Torchwood (2006–2011): Season 2, Episode 1 - Kiss Kiss, Bang Bang - full transcript

'Scuse me,

have you seen a blowfish
driving a sports car?

Thank you!

Bloody Torchwood!

Species not on record,

DNA-type says some sort of land fish.

All I'm saying is, you are speeding
and there are children.

Kids out at midnight,
they've got it coming.

Detecting high levels of algae.

Who's afraid of the big scary fish?

Big fish with a gun.



- Special weapons?
- Not that I can see.

Do we need special weapons?

What are we gonna
do when we catch it?

- Jack would know.
- Well, ]ack's not here, is he?

]ack's disappeared!
Fat lot of good jack is!

Blowfish!

Hold on!

- Hold the wheel.
- Don't you dare, Owen!

Hold the wheel!

Right, got it.

Where is it, where's it gone?

Go! Go! Go!

Gwen, go left, Tosh go right,
lanto take centre.

Positions!



Massive levels of adrenalin.

Mixed with approximately
three grams of cocaine.

This fish is wired.

So, this is Team Torchwood.

The teacher's pets.

But teacher's gone, hasn't he?

Leaving the kiddy-kids all alone.

And look at you,

trying so hard to be all grown up.

The Doctor,
with his hands full of blood.

The CMM,
with her oh-so-beating heart.

The Technician,
with her cold devices.

Which leaves me, with the Office Boy,
promoted beyond his measure.

All of you,
lost without your master.

All of you,
pretending to be so brave.

All of you, so scared.

Ha ha ha!

So, what about it, minion?

Can you do it?
How good are you?

How sharp is your aim?

What if you kill her?

What if I kill her first?

Can you shoot, before I do?

Can you?

Dare you?

Would you?

Won't you?

Hey kids.

Did you miss me?

Are you sure no more
like him came through?

Cross-referencing with the
rift activity monitor,

doesn't look like it.

The car's impounded, I'll get it
back to the owner in the morning.

- How you doing?
- Bio-profile's on screen.

Nothing in his genetic make-up
to contaminate the city.

Ok, Tosh, can you add that
to the species database?

- lanto?
- Hello!

Sorry, can you deal with
the body when it's cold?

My pleasure and I'll make sushi.

No, the morgue and
I'll do fine, thank you.

Got pretty organised without me.

Yeah, well we had to.

I Did you decorate in here?

You left us, Jack!

- I know. I'm sorry.
- We knew nothing, Jack.

Where were you?

I found my Doctor.

- Did he fix you?
- What's to fix?

You don't mess with
this level of perfection!

Are you going back to him?

I came back for you.

All of you.

Rift activity!

Get off, I didn't do it.

Please, leave me alone.

Duh...

Help me!

Come any closer and
I'll open up his neck!

- Fine!
- What?!

Which artery do you normally sever?

- No.
- I'm not bluffing!

Well, see now you've
given yourself away.

Only someone who's bluffing
ever says they're not.

Oh, God!

Shit! Please, please stop!

Well...

No.

He's dead.

Please...

I...

was never here.

Go.

Thirsty now.

All right!

Now...

You... go.

You go.

You go.

You stay.

Go.

Go.

Go.

Stay.

Go.

Go.

Oh...

Stay, stay, stay.

Go.

Go.

The rest of you, go.

I'll take one of everything.

Any questions?

All right, mate,
let's take it outside.

Oh.

Did I mention I'm armed?

Ha ha ha ha ha!

Fragments of rift energy, around
the neck, arm and shoulders.

He was grabbed... and pushed.

Explains the residual energy cluster

How did you ever manage without me?

So, there's a killer on the loose.

Bipedal, maybe humanoid.

Any other alien tech involved, Tosh?

No readings to suggest that.

Ok, let's get back and see what
we can piece together.

Technology gain you?

I was hoping for a power struggle,

resolved by some naked wrestling.

Thank you, Andy.

You can let SOCO in now, they can
eliminate us from whatever they want.

This another one of your spooky-dos?

Not yet, but I'll let you know.

"Thanks, Andy.
You've been very helpful. "

Don't mention it, Gwen.

Whoa, that never beeps.

That's what I was thinking.

I can't believe I got
the answer machine!

What can you be doing that's
more important than me?

Anyway, you've probably traced
the energy shift, found the body.

All me, sorry about the mess.

Bill me for the clean-up.

Now, drinks!

Retrolock the transmission coordinates,
that's where I am.

And hurry up, work to do!

Help me Obi-Wan Kenobi,
you're my only hope!

Stay here. Don't come after me.

- Who was that?
- Stay here.

Hey, Jack! Wait!

See that! He swans back in
and then he shuts us right out.

- I'm not having this.
- I can track him.

Taxi!

# Woo hoo

# When I feel heavy metal

# Woo hoo

# And I'm pins and I'm needles

# Woo hoo

# Well, I lie and I'm easy

# All of the time I am never sure

# Why I need you... #

Reports of a bar disturbance,

same coordinates as the SUV.

Tell the police we're dealing with it.

Ok, so, who the hell was
the bloke in the hologram?

Jack recognised him.

Why didn't he let us go with him?

It's typical Jack, he disappears,
he comes back, then he runs away again.

We don't even know his real name.

Or which time he comes from.

He's supposed to be our boss,
we know nothing about him.

It drives me crazy!

It is more fun when
he's around, though.

- Yeah.
- Definitely!

Yeah, it is!

- You're putting on weight?
- You're losing your hair?

What are you wearing?

Captain Jack Harkness,
note the stripes.

Captain John Hart,
note the sarcasm.

I worked my way up
through the ranks.

I bet the ranks were very grateful.

I need a drink.

I thought you'd never ask.

So, how was rehab?

Rehabs. Plural.

- Drink, drugs, sex and...
- Murder.

Ha ha!
You went to murder rehab?

I know, ridiculous.

The odd kill, who does it hurt?

You clean now?

Kicked everything.
Living like a priest.

So, how's the Time Agency?

You didn't hear?

Shut down.

You're kidding.

No. There's only seven of us left now.

Wow.

It's good to see you.

It was never the same without you.

You need to go.

I don't want you on my territory.

What?

Time was, you couldn't get enough
of me on your "territory".

All right, everybody out!

Everything all right, Jack?

It's ok, ok, ok.

You've got a team!
How sweet!

Oh, pretty little friends!

No blonde, though.
You need a blonde.

- God, he's worse than Jack.
- Oh, do you have a team name?

I love team names, go on!

Torchwood.

Oh. Not Excalibur?

Blizzard? Bikini Cops? No?

Torchwood. Oh, dear.

Gwen Cooper, lanto Jones,
Toshiko Sato, Owen Harper,

- meet...
- Captain John Hart.

- We go back.
- Excuse me. We more than go back.

We were partners.

- In what way?
- In every way.

And then some.

It was two weeks.

Except that two weeks was
trapped in a time loop,

so we were together for five years,

it was like having a wife.

- You were the wife.
- YOU were the wife.

- No, YOU were the wife.
- Oh, but I was a good wife.

I bet you were.

What?

Don't pretend you
haven't noticed, he's cute.

They're just shy.

What are you doing here?

I was wondering when I we'd get to that.

- That's the same as yours.
- A little smaller.

But lasts much longer.

Get two Time Agents
in the same room together,

it's always about the
size of the wrist strap.

Yes, sorry, what's a Time Agent?

What, he's never told
you about his past?

No, he hasn't.

Anyway...

I'm working with this woman,

beautiful,

clever, sexy, yadda yadda yadda,
and we both get shot.

And as she's dying, she begs me.

She tells me about these radiation
cluster bombs she'd been working on.

I don't like the sound of that.

Three canisters,

contents beyond toxic,
swallowed up in a riftstorm.

- And ended up here.
- Bingo.

That's the downside of your city being
built on a rift in space and time.

Now, left to their own devices,

the radiation will break
down the canisters

and then infect your people and planet.

They need to be neutralised.

What do you get out of this?

Dying woman's wish.

Now, there's only one problem.

I don't know where they are.

I Hoping local knowledge might help.

When we get back to the Hub,

I can run a citywide scan
on radiation surges

and cross reference that with the
rift activity during that time span.

What are you,
the brains and the beauty?

You see, together it's an easy job.

We do this,

you get of here when its finished.
Right away.

Does this mean I get to see your house?

You live in a sculpture?

Could you be any more pretentious?

Get on.

So, your team not allowed in this way?

This is the entrance for tourists.

I remember the last time you said that.

Where the hell...

It's roomy,

I'll give you that.

Your taste in interior design
hasn't got any better, though.

What is this, sewer chic?

Weapons.

And the rest.

Oh, you know me,
I'm a two-weapon man.

One pistol strapped to each leg,

laser knife beneath left elbow,

17 small explosive charges
in the lining of his coat.

I Slipped my mind.

He's a compulsive liar!
Why is he in the building?

There's a tiny 1% chance,

he's breaking a habit of a lifetime,
and telling the truth.

Which means this city is in danger.

What did he mean by a Time Agent?

You've never mentioned it.

That was in the past.

Oh, here we go again.

You know everything about me, Jack.
Why d'you keep shutting me out?

Here and now,
that's what's important.

The work we do, the person I am now.

- That's what I'm proud of.
- Then why did you desert us?

Where did you go?

No, no, come on, where did you go?
Tell me.

Talk to me.

I have died so many times.

Been dragged back into life,

like being hauled over broken glass.

I saw the end of the world.

- How?
- Doesn't matter now.

But after it was all over...

...I knew I belong here.

What kept me fighting was the
thought of coming home to you.

- What's this?
- TMS.

That's an engagement ring, that is.

- You're getting married?
- Yes.

Rhys asked.

When you were away.

Wow! Gwen Cooper getting married.

Down on one knee?

He tried to, he had a twinge in his
back and had to lie on the settee,

and he popped the question.

- And you said yes.
- Well, no-one else will have me.

Good for you.

- We should get back to work.
- Mm-hm.

Seven hours ago we logged
a minor surge in rift energy,

across three locations.

Six of us, three locations, simple.
Two people per canister.

Excuse me, I give the orders.

Well, give some, big boy!

John's right. Sorry, erm,
d'you prefer John, or Captain?

With eyes like yours,
call me Vera, I won't complain.

Tosh and Owen, take the north.
lanto and jack go west.

Me and Vera'll take the docks.

Excuse me, not to repeat myself.

Got a problem with this, Jack?

Not at all.

Now, given the canisters are
radioactive, don't open them, eh?

Let's go, guys.

Gwen, I need a word.

Oh, can I watch?

He's gonna give you all the
dos and don'ts. I love it.

She'll be with you in a second.

What the hell are you doing?

If I can get him talking, flirt a bit,

he might drop his guard.

I can find out what he's really upto.

- OK, clever.
- Thank you.

But dangerous, leave it to me.

I led the team while you were
away, Jack. I can handle this.

He knows you too well,
he'll never tell you the truth.

Three rules.

One: don't believe anything he says.

Two: always keep him in front of you.

And three:

under no circumstances let him kiss you.

As if I would!

Has he gone to the no-kissing rule yet?

He only invented that because
he wants me all to himself.

Keep infront.

Nothing.

Are you sure this is the right spot?

Yeah. But containers
get shifted all the time.

This could take days.

So, that woman,

the one with the canister,

how did you get to know her again?

We were in love.

Oh.

I'm sorry.

Did they catch the person who shot her?

Do we have to talk about this?

No, no, of course not.

Don't mind me.

- Shouldn't you be asleep?
- I got it!

Sorry?

Manager at Hanovoods!

The letter was on the mat!

I got the bloody job!

Oh, my God! Rhys, that is fantastic!

Baby, you're fantastic too.

Yeah, just there!

- Who's that?
- It's some...

idiot I work with that's all.

I don't suppose there's any chance
of me seeing you before breakfast?

It looks like it's gonna be an
all-nighter. So, get yourself to bed.

I am so proud of you.

I love you.

Yeah, well, I love you more.

John?

John?

John!

- John!
- Worried you'd lost me?

Whoa. Little bit jumpy there?

Keep in front of me, OK?

God, you're so untrusting.

But with your boss it's probably wise.

Yeah, I trust him just fine,
thank you.

Once a conman, always a conman.

What do you mean by that?

Look, just don't rely on him, Gwen.

There's a lot about him you don't know.

Fancy a peek?

Aha!

Is that it?

What are you doing?!

Get off me!

Celebrating,

that's all.

God, the 21st century is so frigid!

What've you done?

Don't get up.

I mean, you can't anyway.

Paralysing lip gloss.

I think it might have even been
Jack taught me that trick.

Just one problem,

if you're not found in two hours,

your major organs will go into shutdown.

Thanks.

You gonna be OK in here without me?

He won't stay with you.

He and I shared something.

No bulbs.

No, cos that would only be helpful.

Oh, great, how are we gonna find
a canister in all this tut?

What are we doing with our lives, Tosh?

I know,

we should be out having fun!

Bet you'd normally be out
on the pull, this time of night.

Oh, no, bollocks to that, Tosh.

Talk about diminishing returns.

Not with you.

Well, you know,

I've done all that, aren't I?

Where did it get me?

No, you know, I need...

a proper woman, you know.

Someone I've got something
in common with, you know.

Got anyone on the horizon?

Like you say,

difficult to meet anyone
I've got anything in common with.

What with the things we see.

You beauty!

Yes!

Job done!

Good work, team!

Where's Gwen?

Ah ah ah!

Gun on the floor.

Or I shoot her.

- Jack, where are you?
- I muted the comms system,

as soon as we left
the palace under the pavement.

I love my little wrist strap.

Now...

Phones.

You touch her again,
and I will kill you. OK?

The efficiency of a gun,
or the brutality of wood?

Yeah, look, stop toying with me
and get on with it.

Oh, yeah!

Loving that officy feel!

I always get excited in these places.

To me, they're exotic.

Office romances...

photocopying your butt...

or maybe not your butt,
although as we're here...

The rift was active at these coordinates

200 feet above ground.

That means this floor...

or the roof.

How are you, lanto?

All the better for having.
You back, sir.

Can we maybe drop the sir, now?

While I was away, I was thinking...

Maybe we could,

when this is all done...

Dinner? A movie?

Are you asking me out on a date?

Interested?

Well...

As...

long as it's not in an office.

Some fetishes should
I be kept to you sir.

Looks like we're gonna have
to go through every drawer,

bin and plant pot.

Right. OK.

I'll do this floor, don't want
you getting overexcited,

and you take the roof.

You're good on roofs.

Jack?

Why are we helping him?

He's a reminder of my past.

I want him gone.

By the way...

- Was that a yes?
- Yes!

Into the lift, eye candy.

Your friends are bleeding,

and dying.

You barely have enough
time to save them.

Owen? Gwen?

What am I, a child?

It's primitive technology,
easily blocked,

you should be embarrassed.

And when you get to the bottom, run.

You look like a man who enjoys a
challenge, see if you can save them.

Come back up here,

I'll shoot on sight.

Going down.

Going down!

Yes, please.

Why are you doing this?

We're a cosmic joke, eye candy.

An accident of chemicals
and evolution.

The jokes, the sex,

just cover the fact that
nothing means anything.

And the only consolation, is money.

So run, lanto Jones!

Going down.

Doors closing.

Rear of the Year,

5094.

Still looking good.

Cute boy, ringing to
warn you about me.

Canister.

- If you've harmed them...
- They're pretty, but stupid.

You used to have better taste.

Doesn't look like that from here.

Just give it here.

Radiation cluster bombs? Really?

Let's not get hung up on details.

Little embarrassing that
you needed help to find them.

A little humiliated
you fell for the scam.

Your dolly birds did all my leg I work.

Is that what you wanted?

What I want is for you
to come to your senses.

Join me, Jack.

Back in the old routine.
We'd be emperors.

How can you stay tied to one planet
when there's thousands of worlds,

sparkling with wonder?

We should be up there,

among the stars,

claiming them for our own.

Just like before.

- I can't.
- Why not?

What the hell is there
to keep you here?

Come on.

The glitter of the galaxy.

The mischief we could make.

Y'know, you never really
mastered that temptation spiel.

It's not a spiel. It's fact.

Move on.

Here I am,

in a new life and you're still churning
out the same old tunes.

And sorry, but they don't play as well,
now you're looking a little older.

What are they, wrinkles
around your eyes?

Laugh lines.

Oh, hell of a good joke.

It's you I'm laughing at. Canister.

Whoops.

Ha ha ha!

Whoops.

I'm sorry! I'm sorry.

Why didn't he just kill us?

He got what he wanted.

But maybe he just underestimated us.

Tosh! Owen!

lanto!

Tosh!

We're over here.

- What happened?
- Where's Gwen?

- Have you heard from Gwen?
- No.

Rehab...

didn't really work.

Front door key.

Thanks.

If she's in one of these, we'll
never find her, there's too many!

Just keep looking!

God, I need more painkillers!

I'll try her phone again.

Over here!

- She must've dropped it.
- Gwen!

Gwen!

Unless it's another of
Captain John's tricks.

- What're you doing?
- If Gwen used the phone here,

I can use the network to
triangulate the location.

where she answered her last call.

Got it!

This is where she made the call.

Open every container door!

She's in here!

Gwen, it's all right.

We're here with you.

What happened?
What's he done to her?

She's still breathing,

no discernible injuries.

- Tosh, let's get this thing started.
- lanto, take a swab.

Right, pupils dilating,
she's still conscious.

Stay with us, darling.

He's poisoned her.

Anti-toxin kit now!

Gwen, hold on.

Had to go and steal a car.

Get yourself noticed.

Now...

OK...

Pretty and resilient.

Is that even fair?

Maybe you didn't realise.

You can beat, shoot, threaten,

and even poison us,
and we keep coming back.

Stronger every time.

Well, I think you ought to know,
your boss is splayed out on the...

Pavement.

Now that's impressive.

Seriously, you can earn...

a fortune in the Vegas galaxies
with an act like that.

Go on, how's it work?

I can't die.

Huh...

- No but, really...
- No, but really, you can't kill me.

No matter how many times you try.

I can't die.

Ever.

But what does it cost you?

Every time you have to drag yourself
back here, how does it feel?

All... that pain and trauma.

Plus, you're reborn into
this godforsaken mess.

I pity you.

These people,

this planet,

all the beauty you could never see.

That's what I come back for.

Well, goody on you.

What's in the canisters?

It's come clean time, Captain.

Yeah, all right.

That woman I told you about,

had herself an Arcadian diamond,

the rarest gem in the Damascene Cluster.

Just when I'd got my hands on her,

she only generates her
own personal riftstorm.

God, I hate technological geniuses.

You said this was a
dying woman's request.

Yeah, she was dying. I shot her.

Thought my luck had changed
when I found it had ended up here.

So, I'm thinking 50/50?

Even split, good deal.

Or if anyone fancies an orgy?

- Open it.
- What, not even a please?

Don't your manners get
brought back to life too?

Now!

This should give us
the location of the diamond.

There she is.

The woman you murdered.

You've travelled several
galaxies for this.

Well done.

Thank you, gorgeous.

Except...

There's no diamond.

What?

Only this.

No, no, no.

No, no, no, no, no, no, no,...

It's got to be a diamond.

It's all about the diamond!

What the hell is that...

It's an explosive device,

which will latch on to the
DNA of whoever killed me.

It'll detonate in ten minutes.

It can't be removed
without exploding, so...

don't bother trying.

Goodbye... lover.

- No Wait.
- See you in hell!

She can't be serious. Ten minutes.

Get it of me!

Actually, nine minutes 50, 49, 48...
Always at the ready!

OK, how big is this
explosion likely to be, Jack?

That technology, that size... big.

So, we should get him out of the city.

Nine minutes 37.

You've got to help me! Please.

Why?

Let her go.

Jack, help me!

Get back!

What've you done?!

It's hypersteel, impermeable,

deadlock sealed.

No way to undo them.
Unless you have this key.

You are UNBELIEVABLE!

And yet, you still find
me strangely attractive.

Now YOU had better find a solution
pronto or she'll be blown up with me!

Would shooting him stop the DNA trigger?

No.

So, what are we gonna do now, team?

The orgy's still on offer by the way.

- Especially now the cuffs are out.
- Nine minutes, four seconds.

Tosh, the rift predictor program,
have you perfected yet?

- Pretty much.
- What?

- Anything in the next few minutes?
- Gwen, no way.

What's she talking about?

If we're in the rift
when that disc explodes,

the city will be safe.

- How does that save us?
- It doesn't.

Eight 32, 31...

- You're bluffing.
- Try me.

The car park where he arrived.

The crack in the rift is
still active up there.

That's where we're going.

Somebody better
start doing something.

- Cut his hand off.
- That would activate the bomb.

Don't make me pull you!

Get up the stairs, now!

Five minutes 22.

I can't find the frequency
the device works on.

There's no chance of jamming it!

Where's Jack? He should be here.

What I've been saying
all along, unreliable.

Shut up!

I think I'm starting to see
what he likes about this place.

She's beautiful, he's stunning.

Don't you ever stop?

What five minutes to live,
you want me to behave.

- Oh, that's gorgeous.
- That's a poodle.

That's nice.

- This better work.
- Trust me, I'm an improviser.

Out!

- Ok.
- Get out!

I do love a woman who's rough.

51 seconds.

You're not really gonna
sacrifice yourself, are you?

45 seconds.

We have to go.

No! What about a last-minute rescue?

Why be on a team if you
don't get a last-minute rescue!

40 seconds.

Tell...

Tell Jack...

Tell Jack I...

30 seconds.

Now what's he doing?

Get off me!

Owen, it's not working.

15 seconds!

- What are you doing?!
- Trying to confuse the disc!

- Why hasn't it worked?
- I don't know!

- 12 seconds!
- Jack, do something!

I've gotta go, Jack.

Five...

Four...

Three...

Two...

One!

Go!

Run!

What the hell?

Jack, what's going on?
Why's it gone dark?

The rift's reverted to
the moment he came through.

Everything's jumped back to
the beginning of the night.

Like you were never here.

Now we've got to avoid ourselves, great!

It's a temporal displacement!

Makes your tongue tingle, doesn't it?
Lovely!

What was in the syringe?

Torchwood DNA.

What?

DNA samples from the five of us,
fused and injected into his heart.

Temporarily corrupted his DNA coding,

confused the disc.

You mean, there's a bit
of all of you inside of me?

Sweet goddesses, that's all I need.

Thank you, Owen.

- You're welcome.
- I want you gone.

Well, we've got to work out
a way to get these off first.

Actually...

Old Artesian trick.

Keep it in the lining of the throat.
Has a lot of uses.

- You had that all along?
- You were my passport to survival.

No hard feelings.

Well, not in that sense.

Remind me never to
get on your bad side.

Definitely bigger.

- If you need a new team member...
- No.

- Really? I could...
- No.

- But...
- No.

Go now, and you can harness
the residual rift energy.

- Listen...
- Goodbye.

OK.

Oh!

By the way...

I meant to tell you...

I found Gray.

Who's Gray?

It's nothing.

Let's get back to work.

Have you never seen something so mad,
so extraordinary,

that just for one second you think that
there might be more out there?

Who are you people?

You're Torchwood, yes?

There's a rift through space
and time that runs through Cardiff,

stuff slips through from other times
and planets and we monitor it.

Stop wasting our time,
we know you're an alien.

There's no such thing as aliens.

Get away from me!

What is it, not spooky enough?

Honestly, it's just sex, sex,
sex with you people.

You have picked the
wrong girl to stalk, mate.

When are the others coming?

They're already here.

Oh my God!

Welcome to Planet Earth.

- Who the hell is this?
- Miss Martha Jones.

A human being who's
travelled in time and space.

You really are something special.

What's happening?

I don't know.

Toshiko, show me the city now.

They're everywhere.

You're the only one who can stop this.

If you don't it's the end of everything.

You always remember what you killed.

Alien Jack?

Nuclear warheads, ten of them.

It's all over.

Let's all have sex.

And I thought the end of the
world couldn't get any worse.

Come on what do we do?

Just keep watching.
Keep doing what we do.