Top Gear (2002–…): Season 9, Episode 3 - Episode #9.3 - full transcript

Jeremy, Richard and James head to the United States, where they each have to buy a car in Miami for less than US$1000 and drive it across four states to New Orleans. One of the challenges they set along the way leads to the locals chasing them out of town.

Top Gear 9x03
by TransGear subtitle team
the Sim-Race Federation of China

crew: RS4 Z102 bitcars catchup

Thank you, Thank you!

Hello and Welcome to what is,
tonight, a Top Gear special.

It's special because it is just one big film.

Yep. And to make it, we had to go on holiday.

Well you say it was a holiday, but
actually it was a fly-drive holiday,

so it wasn't a holiday at all.

Because of course you get to the car hire desk,
and there is the gaudiness man with spiky hair.

And he types "War and Peace" into his computer for 16
hours. And then he doesn't know where England is.

And he steals your driving license.

And that he directs you to a car park where your car isn't.

So we're all gonna try and see if we could make it any better.

Rather than suffer the misery of hiring a car,

maybe it made more sense to buy one.

We were each given the budget of 1000 dollars.

Yeah, now here is the really clever bit.

At the end of our holiday,

which is essentially a road trip across 4 states,

we would see if,

instead of simply having to hand our hired car back,

we can sell our cars

and get most of the thousand dollars back.

It's brilliant. Now, in the holiday we
had stones thrown at us by rednecks.

We crashed into a river full of alligators.

What else happened?

We had to eat a squirrel.

Ah, anyway, the big challenge was:

could we buy a car for less than
it costs to rent one for a fortnight?

Let's find out.

Miami, cloudy sunny, 34 degrees.

Yes, Miami, home to all the most successful drug dealers,

this year's Mr. Big Mac,

and Silicon Valley,

all very glamorous. But our journey began here:

in the city's used-car lots.

This is where we had a morning to find a set
of wheels for less than a thousand dollars.

I think I quite like to take this one for a test drive.

What's under the bonnet of that?

- It's a V6.
- V6?

- Yes.
- Got anything with a V8?

I wanted a muscle car. So I went straight
to a dealership that sells Corvettes.

You got the keys? Thank you.


- 400.
- 400 horse power for a 5.7 liter V8?


Ok, how much is it?


si... sixty four?

- thousand dollars?
- Yeah.

What if I gave you 1 thousand dollars for it?

- One thousand?
- Ehm...

Richard it seems was being similarly ambitious.

- How much is this?
- $89,900

I need something a bit, a bit less than that.

- A little bit less than that?
- Less than that.

So how much for a Cougar?

Cougars are anywhere from $35,000 to $200,000.

Depending upon the condition and so on.

I need something that's a bit less than that.

- Less than that?
- How much for a Challenger?

Challenger start at $20,000--$19,900.

Less than that.

- Less than that?
- Less than that.

You see this, here, look, he is turning right on the red light.

That's America's only contribution to Western civilization.


I was the only one using even a modicum of common sense.

Would you take a thousand for this.

OK, Err. That's gonna be a little bit difficult.

Soon I took a leaf out of James's book.

Lowered my sights and quickly found a
tidy Camaro at a place called "Adolf's"

$2,900 this. It's a big ask to get him down to 1000.

May I offer him a burger?

Very popular with murderers these cars.


Meanwhile, I found something we don't have in Britain.

A dealership specializing in ex-government cars.

This would have been the police car. You can tell it by the colour,

a hole for the aerial. And it says "police interceptor" on it.

Now this one was probably, I don't know, maybe a spy?

'Cos there is no badge on there. That could have
been a... man in black and that was a vet manner.

Basically the important thing is:
They've all been properly maintained

and I'm told that they are dirt cheap.

And indeed they were.

But even these were beyond my budget.

I don't have anything right now for a 1000 dollars.

Even sensible James was struggling.

I want a real cold jack, smoking.

- Ah... real cool car hum?
- Yeah.

How about a '99 Honda Civic?

Meanwhile, back at Adolf's, negotiations
on the Camaro had broken down.

Eh, well, it's not going well, mate.

I thought that we'd get here and we'd find all sort
of fantastic old American 80's cars for 300 dollars

I know, I did, I did. I thought we would just be
tripping over Oldsmobiles, Cutlasses and Firebirds.

So it's coz that we are buying that 90's
period when they were just making rubbish.

And I'm looking at a Buick Le Sabre.

- Oh, God, don't.
- It was rubbish when it was new.

It was built by idiots. And it's rubbish now.

I've got... You know we've got one hour left.

And I've reached the bottom end of this town.

Yeah, I wouldn't have the Chinese food
round here. Let's put it that way.

The fact was though, if we were gonna find cars for $1,000,

we'd have to go to a even lower bottom end of the town.

How much murdering happens here?

A lot. If you go one mile away here,

you go to any street.

- I'll be murdered.
- You'll find yourself killed

Yeah. Everybody here, they have guns.
Including me, wanna see it?

- He is not joking!
- It's real, here. 25.

Now you see I wasn't ready for that.

Welcome to United State.

This is his other gun. That's not a
shot gun, Robert. That's a rifle.

Right it's a rifle. The shot gun is somewhere
else. I don't know where it that one.

You need these if you're gonna be a car sellsman.

A guy right here if you go two blocks
down here. He got shot five times.

Why? By someone buying the car?

But he killed the guy.

He killed a...

He killed the guy finally.

So why have you got telescopic sights on it?

Because if they go far away, you just shoot them.

You saw that movie with John Wayne?
A guy running all the way like 500 feet

and 'Pooosh' you shoot him right there.

- Hammond.
- Yes? Jeremy how are you doing?

Just been told by my new best friend, Robert the Persian.

if you go beyond 79 street, you will
definitely be murdered, shot. Good-bye.

Hammond is wearing cowboy boots,

They're gonna shoot him, aren't they?

Is it south or north of 79 street I can't go?

I decided the best plan was to
stay on 79 street itself.

And came across what must be
the most optimistic dealer in town.

Very well, these must.

The lesson we've learned already was that
it was easier to rent a car than buy one.

But we weren't giving up.

Believe me, I'm desperate now. I'm desperate for wheels.

Distressed look on the roof, gun shot holes.

So car's got a history.

It's messed??oh, no. It's got tree growing out of it.

There's been an accident over there,

but the car's still running. And I was
just wondering if I could make an offer for it.

We've been ambitious here I think.

This $1000 is a low amount of money.

I therefore decided to go beyond
the lower back end of town.

You guys got any ideas where I
can find a car for a thousand dollars?

A thousand dollars?

Kind of cunning. You've got some great teeth

You see these teeth! Haha...

- You want it today?
- It's got to be today.

OK. Alright, let me get back to you.

Go right here to the stop front. Go to
right, go over exactly two blocks...

- Over this way?
- Yeah.

Amazingly the tip paid off. And I was the first
to arrive at our pre-arranged meeting point.

the Miami Jai-Alai Stadium

This is a Chevrolet Camaro, the RS model.

5 liter V8 engine, 5 speed gear box, rear wheel drive

a full-on American muscle car.

Only three previous murderers
and I only paid 800 dollars for it.

I am... It's a brilliant,
brilliant, brilliant find.

Then Hammond turned up.

Oh, dear. He's never been to America
before and now he's bought himself

what he thinks all the Americans have.

That is bluff.

- What do you think?
- I'm /, well.

- It's a Dodge Ram.
- It's terrible.

A dent?

I know, there are a few dents and
a bit's missing. But it's basic.

It's basic motoring in its very best.

You know how Mercedes goes?

It's not a Mercedes. It's not a Mercedes.

- How much?
- A thousand.

That shuts. A thousand? 800.
I'm already 200 dollars ahead of you.

800 dollars?

The RS model.

Was that the basic one?

Of course it wasn't the basic one. RS is rally sport.

I'd ask James on that one when he arrives.

But I'm not entirely sure it was.

It was the RS, the IROC-Z. The RS was the... yes...

Yes the queerest.

I'll keep quiet about it.
Every single thing on it works, nearly.

It's a manual.

Yeah, five on the floor, rear wheel drive,
I've got a muscle car. How many horse power?

- 200 and... 170.
- Oh, rubbish. 190.

How do they get such a small amount
of horse power from a car?

The more pressing question though was where was James?

When he walks into a dealership,
'Hello', and they will shoot him.


How can it take so long?

Because that's what he does.

And he may have been lost.

Good Grief!

That's Tinanic. No, wait, I changed
my mind. It's an aircraft carrier.

That's really big.

That, gentlemen, is how you do it.
It's a 1989 Cadillac Brougham sedan.

What do you think?

Well, this is terrible.

It's like a long walk round it. It's a really long walk.

- I like that though.
- It doesn't just move up and down, look.

It goes from side to side.

Have you seen the roads around here? That is
a perfect car for the environment. 900 dollars.

And you can see why.

Oh look, well you don't do that, mate.

Oh it's got newspaper in it.

You can date it, find out when it was repaired.

It was a Wednesday.

What size engine does this thing got?

5 liter V8. It's not fast, but it is fabulous.

You don't say it's not fast. Is it not, mate?

I'll tell you when you look at the...
Oh... it's like a Lotus Exige.

James then turned on our cars.

- The wheels are odd.
- No I've got an alloy.

That's my alloy. Check out my alloy.

This just has been made out of bits.

It hasn't. Have you? Ah...

Smells of bodies. Oh, it does smell a bit ripe.

Hold on. This is...

Er. No, that's the clothes of the
last person they killed.

Oh, Jeez.

Oh my.

Oh God, no.

That's the last person the driver killed.

Don't look.

Poor man, tried to get out.

- James and I bought cars.
- Yes

You've bought a pick-up truck.

Now the reason that yours is in better
condition is because it's just a pick-up truck.

It's lovely. I'm delighted with it.

I quite like the pick-up truck.

- Oh, come on. Compared to the Camaro...
- It's the land of the pick-up truck.

- What you don't like the Camaro?
- I don't. I'm sorry I don't.

Well, I do. I mean, one of those in
good nick. Yes. Yours is a dog.

- It isn't.
- It is... Jeremy.

But every one of us has got something better
than you get from a rental desk in an airport.

- Oh, Yeah.
- Oh, Yeah.

To find out how good our cars were. We were told to head to a race track.

90 miles north of Miami.

There we'll be given a seris of challenges.

I'm in a murderer's muscle car, heading through Miami.


This is brilliant. I love pick-up trucks.

It's a Cadillac. I'm absolutely staggered.

I've even got a functioning radio.

Although there is only one station it'll
pick up, which is gospel. Ready?

(Radio)... the people of the holy spirit,
- Yes

(Radio) - Jesus Christ is my lord...
- Yes I agree with you.

(Radio) Temperatures very high today,
we're well into the 90s, near 100.

The mono radio staion however was the tip of an iceberg.

If I'm honest, there are one or two issues with my Camaro.

Ah... the rev counter for example, broken.

Then there is an alarming knocking noise
from the front suspension when it goes over a bump,

or when you are on full lock.

The others too, were finding problems.

Now we're alone you and I, I've got to admit
to one or two very small faults with my Cadillac.

First is that squeak, which is a loose
belt or a belt ring or something.

The other, it is fantastically slow this thing.

I'm doing 55 and I'm putting my foot down.
And I'm really struggling to get it up to 60

If I'm honest,

it does pull a little bit to the right.

And if I brake, it pulls to the left really badly.

I'm right behind Richard Hammond's Dodge Ram,

but I just noticed for the first time
that the body doesn't line up...

... with the wheels quite right.

But the worst problem by a mile is the air-conditioning,

which, as you can probably see from the
state of my shirt, is broken

92% humidity. Ha... No air-con.

The only consolation I have is that Hammond's
air-conditioning doesn't work either.

Apart from the air-conditioning
not working, it's pretty much perfect.

For the first time I've got a radio on one of these trips.

But enough of the car's little foibles.

It was time to settle down and enjoy our
journey across the Sunshine State.

God, Florida's awful!

Nasty insects, old people, fat people,

a lot of people who all offer you cheese: 'you
want cheese with that? You want cheese with that'?

And they'll shoot you.

While Hammond roasted, James remained smug and cool.

It's get a bit of parky actually. I think I'll
just turn the temperature up very slightly.

Look, I'm Burt Reynolds, I'm the Bandit.

Eventually, we turned off the high way.

And arrived at the race track.

The Moroso Motorsports Park is unusual in the America.

Because it has left-handed turns,
and some which go right as well.

Perhaps that's why it was deserted:
too complicated for the colonials.

Or maybe everyone had been murdered.

Whatever. It was time for our first challenge.

It says here that each of our cars
must complete one lap of the track.

The target is 1 minute 10 seconds

Get points for every second under that time,
and you lose points for every second over it.

Yeah, but the thing is none of us has ever seen that track.

Yes, that's gonna be tricky.

- We're not driving.
- Well who is?

Some say that he's a C.I.A. experiment that
went wrong, and that he only eats cheese.

All we know is, he's not the Stig.
But he is the Stig's American cousin!


- Big Stig!
- Hahaha...

First, he squeezed himself into my Camaro.

One, Two, Three, Go!

Hahaha... I was expecting: 'Rarara... '

- Nought to 60 in 7.9 seconds.
- Yeah, once.

- Can do 110 and he is doing that now!
- And no more.

- It's limited. It's electronically limited.
- No.

It's just naturally limited to 110 'cos it's rubbish.

Lean that weight in there Big Stig.

Here it goes. 1 minutes 9 seconds on our Top Stopwatch.

- Is that good?
- We don't know, do we?

What we did know was that the Pipmobile was next.

- I'm gonna need a calendar for this. Not a stopwatch.
- Yeah.

- You got a diary?
- I might...

I'm gonna hold this stone and as it's eroded by the wind

That'll give us an idea of how long he has been.

Air-con, max.

Oh, cock.


- It's broken, isn't it?
- It's run out of electricity.

To raise the Titanic, we borrowed a battery booster.

Is that for starting your watch while it stopped.

- Oh, it's begun.
- Oh, it's very good.

One, Two, Three, go!

- Hahaha...
- It's moved off.

It's still moving off.

24 days.

I'm getting older.

Hey, look, it's fabulous. Come on, admit it.

Well, we've got plenty of time to admire it.

The Cadillac certainly seemed to suit
Big Stig's relaxed driving style.

- Hahaha...
- On the grass!

But would the match made in Heaven be able to beat the Camaro's 1:09?


- Go on.
- One minute fourteen.

So now it's all down to Hammond's hillbilly-mobile.

- One, two, three, go!
- Let it rock, Yeah!

Oh, nice. Haha.

- Is that manual?
- It sounds very... Yeah.

Stick shift, four on the floor with overdrive.

Actually it all looked pretty promising.

This beats mine I'm gonna have to kill you.

And I am in a Camaro, so don't think that won't happen.

Oh, it's a proud and noble thing.

You've seen Brokeback Mountain and thought:
'I want a piece of that life. '

Not that piece, I'll have the pick-up truck.

Although the truck had started well, in the
last few tight corners it was rubbish.

Have you seen that my alloy dancing in the sun.

- Where were you? 1:14?
- Yeah.

- 12:13, 1:14, Yes!
- No it can't be... No!

- How can that happen?
- 1:16.9.

I think that's more to do with
the Stig being too big to get...

He didn't make the turn.

Fat Stig's work was done.

And so it was time for the next challenge.

You must each accelerate your car to 50 mph,

when you reach 50 mph you must brake as hard as you can.

So this is a test of acceleration and braking all together?

Yes, you must brake before the end of the track.

At the end of the track, there is a river...

That's no big deal.

... full of alligators.

And that wasn't a missprint.

I should explain. That is the track. So
if you look out there, OK? There it is. OK?

And here, this is alligator infested.

There's another one.

We drew hot dogs, and mine was the shortest.

I hope he doesn't die at the end.

It's salt-water crocodiles you need to worry about, I think.

Oh, no. I hope he doesn't go in the river. That'd be awful.

Here we go, the hell with the clucks.

Spirited start.

Come on. 30, I don't wanna be eaten by an alligator.

35, 40, 45, it's 50!

- That's doubly disappointing. No. 1, he is not dead.
- Yeah.

And No. 2 the fastest accelerating car
here only just stopped before the grass.

Surely though, the Huggy Bear-mobile would
struggle to do 0 to 50 to 0 in the distance.

- That is movement.
- Oh, come on car!

Come on, come on, come on, I'm nearly there!


Strewth, I'm worried.

I should imagine he's clenched in there...
8 tons of Caddy.

I was really nervious.

I'd just seen Big Stig try to stop
my truck, and fail completely.

We're away, 20...

Here he comes to a certain death!

40. 45. Takes ages...

Oh, my God.

- God
- Oh, my.

Haha... That is quite funny.

- Hammond, alligators, mate.
- Are you alive?

Yeah, I suggest we may have made them angry.

We have just driven in their...hahaha... into the living room.

Such an insufferarable oaf.

Oh, there is my pickup, look!

The cars had survived their ordeal by track, just.

But the next morning, the real test began.

A sweltering 800-mile road trip to New Orleans.

Today, probably cloudy, high sun all over 90's,
chance of thunderstorms 30%

Things started badly.

- Has it got petrol in it?
- Yeah, look it's full.

Well, yeah, but has it got petrol in it? It could be broken.

- When did you last put petrol in it?
- Erm... Miami.

- Now you come to mention it.
- You stupid man.

It's a 5 liter V8! See you then.

The car was fine. What's happened is... Hahaha.

Mine ran out of electricity again.

You're joking.

Can I borrow your van and your jump leads?

See how prepared we are on this sh... show.

You have the err.. leads in your car.

No, no, you have the leads.

I'm not stupid, man!?

I've got a door panel, some bolts, and that's it.

What's the matter?

- He's lost the Jump Leads...
- He's lost the Jump Leads, HE has lost the Jump Leads...

This isn't going well is it?

If you're thinking of coming to
America this is what it's like:

you got your Comfort Inn; you got your Best
Western; you got your Red Lobster where you eat.

Everybody's very fat, everybody's very
stupid and everybody's very rude.

It's not the Holiday programme - it's the truth.

Eventually the leads were found and Hammond
positioned himself for the jump start.

- No it's not funny.
- Hahaha...

We're off!

I'm sweating already.

Yes, I'm not going be to for much longer.

It's not a sunny day, It's just a humid day this day.

You know what this is?


No, that's the approach of a cold front.

That's tall cumulonimbus with a high...

It's bigger than you expect. You don't feel like...

I'd love to know what Hammond thinks he looks like.

Chewing gum, his aviators, his cowboy hat, his pickup truck.

To help relieve the tedium of the journey, the
production office had provided us with C.B. Radios

And for those, we needed appropriate call signs

Brokeback, Brokeback, this is Murderer.

This is Brokeback, to Murderer and Captain that...


No wonder these C.B. Radios never caught on.

Break break one nine contact eye ball ten
ten, should we do it again? Captain Slow.


There, he is there and I can't understand him.

This was hopeless. So we changed channals.

Hello, I'm on 22, are you there?

- Yooo, big boy!
- Hahaha...

And finally made contact with a native.

That's him in that truck!

He is asking...

He's asking another lorry driver where
he might find a lady friend for the afternoon.

All they've got to talk about on that
C.B. is the weather, and prostitutes.

Yeah, It's raining, ah, I'm going north, and I'm looking for a whore.

As we headed northwest, the heat and humidity became unbearable.

You are sitting there, in the winter,

you can't imagine what it's like to be in a
non-airconditioned car in Florida now.

It's so hot!

(Radio) Danger persists in the hot West.

(Radio) Even if almost a quarter of the fire is contained,
much of it is still burning out of control.

Only the insufferable May wasn't suffering.

Chaps it's May here, just to let you know
that my air-conditioning is working very nicely.

it's 69 degrees Fahrenheit

Yes, alright.

But then the smile was wiped from his face, again.

I brought you some presents.

I've got you steak and cheese biscuit.


- I bought you a fan.
- really?

- Yeah, we've got fans. How do you feel now?
- That's fantastic, mate.

Yeah, air-con, there it is.

See what I've got.

- Harman cheese?
- Yeah.

Dandy Harman Cheese, original ingredients, blablabla...

And, imitation American cheese.

So is there anything that hasn't actually got any cheese on this?

After our imitation American lunch,
it was my turn to help restart the Cadillac.

Oh, yes!

Oh I'm back in the sweat box.

Now what that is doing is just turbo charging warm air into my face.

Nice bit. Jeremy, this is Brokeback, did you cut the wire?

(Radio) You want your man to look good,
but words like 'ex-foliant' scare him?

The miles passed with the Cadillac endlessly breaking down.

- Have you got the leads?
- No, you've got the leads.

(Radio) ...on my first qualify while it sounds a little modest...

Still, thanks to the automatic windscreen
washers at Florida Service Stations

No, no!

Hammond and I could at least enjoy some refreshing
showers, while he got it going again.

The Cadillac, however, was not the only trouble maker.

After just 200 miles my Camaro was hardly tiptop, either.

Right, sit-rep on the Camaro, some of the headlights
are working, the dashboard's come off,

all the dials are broken, one radio speaker
remains, however, and it's good!

(radio) Good news is that with God's help we can stop Global Warming.

(Radio) In a world where the tails stop wagging,
sticks don't get fetched and chew toys stay dry,

(Radio) one man dares to step forward and declare:

(Radio) I can get to the root of your dog's depression.

Eventually, our Top Gear fly-drive holiday
convoy reached the 300 mile mark.

And as a reward, the production office gave each of us $100

to buy an accessory that might in some way make our journey less arduous.

Hoping and praying that James had bought a new
battery for his stupid Cadillac,

We all met up to show off our new toys.

A trailer?

No, a Freedom Grill 500.

A grilling system?

- It's a grilling system.
- What is it?

- I have way!
- No.

Look at that. Drop tail gate, cooking
platform, what do you think?

Gordon Ramsey hasn't got anything like that in
his kitchen. You got anything that good James?


Right, I got a clothes rack.

- What?
- Look at my perfectly pressed linen jacket.

- He has a linen jacket on the clothes...
- He has got...
- Don't wobble it.

Ok, you step into your car. And here if you look, is a shower.

- In your car?
- Yeah.

Where do you get the water from then?

It comes from the cool box in the back, it's tuned.

And then you just plug this into the cigarette
lighter, hit that button, refreshing shower.

I bet you're all jealous.

Sadly though our dreams of luxury living
were shattered when we received the next challenge

Tonight, you will be camping.

- What?
- I know.

And you're only allowed to eat what you find dead at the side of the road.

What? You mean road kill?

Yeah, you're only's on the... yeah.

It says animals that we find by the side of the road, dead.

Yeah, that's our supper.

Hey, just think about it: you can prepare the food, like for cooking wash it.

I can then cook it. James can dress for dinner.

...these potatos, tomatos, it's lightened up.
I can see that, so let me ask you,

how high should a pineapple bounce when it's ripe?

OK, sit-rep, the power steering pump really is on its last legs,

I've got a terrible wheel wobble.

Er... but I'm cool for the first time
since I set off. I am cool now!

To increase our chances of finding some road kill,
we swapped the interstate for smaller roads.

And very quickly, we got lucky.

On the right, what's that?

You know what, I... I don't fancy it.

No matter though, because further down the
road I came across a fresh and tasty possum.

But then...

James don't ran over it you stupid...!
You blithering idiot, you just ran over it.

That's not edible now, is it?

For flattening our supper, James was punished.

Eventually, we did find fresh meat,
but it was a bit too fresh.

- I thought you were gonna run it over.
- No, even I wouldn't do that.

Errr...Don't do that tortoise.

How can you have wild...there is no wild tortoises.

Well, they're gonna be somewhere.

He's escaped from some eight-year-old girl and...

How does a tortoise escape? Come back, come back!

Finally though, 10 miles down the road.

We've got dinner!

- Squirrel.
- Check that out!

I think that with a bit of cheese will be delicious.

I never told you about my vegetarianism, did I?

Soon, we were near the field where
we would be camping for the night.

Right now.

Sun's going down, with my mates, it's down below 90 degrees,

we're in the deep south, it's a pleasant evening.

This is nice.

But we still only had a squirrel for dinner, so I peeled off for one last forage

while the others went ahead to set up camp.


Right, we've got work to do.

Begin, squirrel on the rack, and then maybe... here is my plan:

with a few herbs, garnished, something like that.

Em... I'm thinking if I cook it once,

and then maybe cook it again, so it'll
go like crispy duck, only it's a squirrel.

Is he ever coming back?

We can't just lob it on, can we?

OK, when with a rabbit, you take the head off, you go down the middle.

But all we've got to do with is this tent pick

- Didn't you bring a penknife?
- No.

Time passed and still no sign of Jeremy.

I'm not peeling it, mate. I don't see why I should do it.

- Come on.
- I don't want to peel a squirrel.

- I'm gonna bring a squirrel over to you.
- Is that a car?

Is it Jezza?

James, in all seriousness,

That's ... what?!

You have got to be...

It's a flaming cow, mate.

- Main course.
- Yeah.

I'm thinking how long have I've been in the sun putting the tent up.

- Why?
- Because, what I'm seeing, heha, you'll love it.

Is a cow on the roof of your Camaro.

It is, isn't it? That is a cow on there.

I don't want to be pedantic, but is it a road kill?

Well you're suggesting I ran it down?

- Well...
- Check out the front of my car.

I had to find someone to help me getting it on there.

But I didn't ran it down. It was at the side of the
road, and now it's on the roof, and now it's our supper.

Do you know what to do with it?

Well, we gotta...

Peel it. I'm not peeling that.

First though, we had to get it off the roof.

What if I go round a corner quite quickly, backwards?

- If I reverse.
- Em... Left hand down, yeah.

Left hand down, it'll roll over that way, do we think?

I reckon it's just good to go.

Yes, there you go!

- Hey, Jeremy.
- What?

I'm better, I can't see a cow on the roof of your Camaro anymore.

- I've done.
- I'm not hungry.

- What?
- I'm not hungry.

You son...

It stinks, Jeremy.

That night, Brokeback and I feasted on beef and squirrel.

And then with May in bed, we decided it would be better for
all of us if the air-conditioning in his car were to break.

- Shh...
- OK.


Why don't we just hit it with a hammer?

Oh, hang on, hang on, hang on.

They really built it on buses. It's ridiculous!

That's come off. Hehehe...

I'm just hitting it with a spatula.

Another mosquito's bit my face.

It's not working, isn't...?

He is gonna notice, isn't he?

Another humid day dawned and now May knew what it felt like.

Those pathetic, lager swilling, barbequing, redneck thugs
that I call my co-presenters have vandalised my car.

I have had to make a few modifications to car on...

this morning, because of the cow incident I lost the aerial.
So now I've got an i-station instead.

And that teemed with a fan means I really can't see where I'm going.

Also, because some cow did get into the car,
I'm using air fresheners to cover up the smell

So I can't really see where I've been.

Oh, and the passenger seat, I've got lots of cow juice
on it, so it's now at the back of Hammond's truck.

(radio) At this afternoon, skys will be considerably
cloudy, with showers and thunderstorms likely.

Northeast winds, 5 to 10 miles per hour.

Come on. Alabama's only 40 miles now.

Our scrapyard cars had covered 650 miles and
inevitably they were becoming more than just metal.

This whole thing now really sums up why I love cars.

Now you take this Camaro, the dash is more
plastic than an American newsreader,

the engine's got less power than Belgium,

the suspension is softer than journalism in an
in-flight magazine,

and of course it reeks of cow.

But, I adore it.

because you can just sense it wants to keep going.

And I bet James is exactly the same there in the Cadillac.

I bet he is having exactly the same emotions.

I'd rather be in this now than an Enzo. And I'm not joking.

But before we entered Alabama, we have to go to
Bagdad for our next challenge.

This is it. We're in Bagdad.

Not a place I was expecting to visit on this trip.

Challenge time.

Lose 5 pounds in 1 hour.

Yep, sweat it away.

Come on then.


OK. It says here we must not be shot or arrested
as we drive across the proud state of Alabama.

But we will get bonus points if we can get
one of the others shot or arrested.

I don't understand. How do we do that?

You will therefore decorate one another's cars
in such a way to draw maximum attention to yourself in this

Bible-bashing, redneck, deeply Christian
part of the Union.


I think what it means is we each have to write
slogans on the other one's car, so you...

to get them killed?

- Yeah, so...
- Alright?

You do Hammond's. Take it away into the bushes. You do...

I'll do yours, I'm getting you killed.

- I've got an idea.
- Well, come on.

The south, the south. It is Christian,
short hair, they don't like Communists.

What is closest to their heart. I gotta get him
killed. This is once-in-a-life oppotunity.

I (won't) be letting you down, me down, everybody down.

Revenge for all those height cacks.
Every time he's called me Hamster.

This is for every time you've been late and lost.

Can you tell what it says yet?

James, I hate you for that.

I really hate you for that.

All the time you drove into the back of my Cadillac.

Do you know, actually, I think honestly
we've all done a good job here

but I do believe that the person most
likely to be shot is indeed Hammond.

- I think the thing done there James is killed your friend.
- Yeah.

Gingerly, we rejoined the open road.

3 religions down here.

George Bush, God, Country and Western.

In that order, ascending order.

'Country and western is rubbish'

'Hillary for president'

I'll be honest. I have felt less conspicuous than this.

'Man-love rules OK'

Here we are. Sweet home Alabama.

They've shot their own sign. What are they gonna do to us.

To understand what Jeremy's actually done to my car,

You have to remember that this is deep Republican territory.

That woman is the arch Democrat. She is the anti-Christ.

It's not just the slogan,

It's the fact that it's painted on
a pickup, symbol of the South, I mean...

And then Jeremy's written on the boot: NASCAR sucks.

That's a type of saloon car racing that is very very big
in this part of the world.

This is where all the drivers come from,

All the building of the cars is done.

All the supporters come from down here.

To say it sucks is a bit like going up
and punching somebody's sainted mother.

We've survived the highway but then
we had to pull into a town for fuel.

Oh, this is really terrifying.

OK. Just, that's diesel.

Listen, listen...The / president. Tha..That's not going down well.

This lady was cross. But not as cross as the garage's owner.

I'll ask you!

Now are you all gay, hooking to see I want it takes your beat up in a hick town?

I'm not gay. I'm married. I've got three children.

No, we are not. No.

We just sort of decorated ours cars in a distinctive manner.

NASCAR sucks. Country and western is rubbish.

Guess what you are on a hick town, man.

We are gonna die now.

- That's it.
- Don't you dare...

She said she was gonna get the boys.

So we decided to scarper.

I've just remembered I've actually got loads of petrol.

And then, of all the moments,

- Oy, Jump leads.
- You're joking.

- Jump leads.
- Not now!

This is gonna be the quickest jump in history.

Very well, you get the leads I'll start it.

Tell your friend to reject off my parking, I'm getting more people.

The rednecks arrived.

We just got a slight problem here.

This is bad.

Then they turned on the film crews.

Rocks started pelting our vans.

Go! Get out of here!

What's happening?

For the next few moments our TV program became a radio showing.

They're with pick-up trucks.

Can you put your foot down, I think we've got
a load of them on our tail.

Something is going on here.

I'm telling you because these strange trucks that were
in the petrol station have now just torn past us.

We need to get these slogans all flushed.

Pull over, pull over.

Get the other side

Got anything to wipe it off with now?

- There.
- Got it!

With the artwork gone, we hit the road, hard.

Now I'm doing something I never thought I do.

I'm running for the border.

God, I never know that was actually frightening.

They could have killed us.

They really do have an irony deficiency.

I honestly believe that in certain parts of America now,
people have started to mate with vegetables.

And then with one problem behind us,
we ran straight into another.

God! Lightning!

You hear? This is God punishing us.

I'm just...

Did you hear that?

It was a great time to discover that the wipers in
my car were worse than useless.

This is like something out of a horror film now.

I'm in serious trouble, I cannot see a damn thing.

There were no exits and stopping on the hard shoulder
in rain like this would have been suicidal,

so there was only one choice.

You're on the lane. Go right Jeremy.

Yep, now, this is very bad.

Left a bit...

Please stop raining, please stop raining, please stop raining.

You're on the lane. Go right.

I think I am just gonna get out and kill myself,

put myself out of misery

God, help us. It's me.

What with the storm and the rock-throwing rednecks,
our fly-drive holiday wasn't going that well.

I just wanted to get on the big British jet and go home.

I want to be met by a...

homosexual in gray flannel trousers saying: "welcome
onboard Mr. Clarkson, can I get you a scull?"

111 miles till New Orleans. Come on, Camaro.

Yes, that's it. We're in Louisiana.

All we had to do was get there and sell our cars.

And that, actually, would be quite a sad moment.

I love my Cadillac.

I mean, we've known each other like what?

A few days and we've had this fantastic
adventure to get all across America.

And it's my car now, and there are always foibles.

It's not the biggest truck, it's not the fastest, not best looking,

but it just keeps going, it is like a little Welsh pony.

I respect that.

This car really is like living in an old house.

You know to keep the backdoor in a certain way to make it open.

This is the same with this. I know how to keep the power steering going.

I know how to get the best out of what's left of the clutch.

I liked it as a kind of joke when we started but now,

we're like... we're like that.

Of course, there were certain other
problems with selling our cars.

This very very bad Cadillac weave going along
this, straight stretch,

so I'll keep my worry beads to hand...


We're in New Orleans and something has come off the Camaro.

Temperature gauge is off the scale. Come on!

Finally though, we made it.

And my word were we in for a shock.

We had seen on the news what Hurricane Katrina had done.

But seeing the devastation for real was truly astonishing.

Oh my God!

Oh, look at that.

Well now, this is extraordinary.

Every house, I've been driving now, what, 15 miles,

there isn't a pavement, there isn't a building,
there isn't anything that isn't smashed.

It's such a vast scale of destruction.

A year had passed since Katrina had blown through and...

we sort of assumed that after 12 months the wealthiest
nation on earth would have fixed it.

But we were wrong.

How can the rest of America sleep at night knowing that this is here?

It certainly gave us a problem:

The original plan had been for us to sell our cars here

and see who can get the most money.

But in the midst of all this, that just seemed... wrong.

We therefore had a con-flat and decided that we
should give our cars away.

So we called a local mission who put us in
touch with some families who lost theirs in Ketrina.

It got an alloy. It's all standard. It's not been messed with anyway.

I met the guy who had it before. It's 150,000 miles and look:

It's like new under there.

- I like it.
- Done. It's yours. Take the truck.

It's yours.

Look after it. It''s been a good friend to me.

Alright. I will sure do.

Jeremy did his usual trick of telling it like it is.

Rev counter, not good. Speedo, not good.

Fuel gauge, not good.

Dent on the roof, that was caused by a cow.

As far as driving is concerned,

the engine is brilliant. Gear box, tiptop.

It's a good car. It's all yours.

So, although it hadn't been the most relaxing holiday

It had been a proper boys-own adventure.

And what's more,

we could go home knowing that we'd done a little bit to
help those less forturnate than ourselves.

Well, Richard and I could but James sadly couldn't
even give his car away.

- It's still here.
- A family came around this corner, not 10 minutes ago,

- Oh, thank you. We lost everything in Hurricane Katrina.
- And rejected it.

Do you want a lift to the airport, in my car?

- No. I don't
- No. I will walk. Thank you.

- Hammond, can I borrow the jump leads?
- No.

I reckon if you look on Google Earth you'll be able to
see his car, cause it'll still be there.

Plus, it won't be that hard to see it, either, it's big enough.

No. Ok. So there is no doubt that James lost that challenge.

And equally no doubt that I won.

Hang on. How did you arrive at that?

Well, my Camaro was the fastest,

It had the best brakes, it didn't break down apart
from the wipers... much.

So it was the best.

It wasn't actually quite as easy to give away as
you made out in that film, was it?

Well, I sort of...

Why don't you tell the ladies and gentlemen what happened
after the cameras had been turned off.

Well, a lady came and she said she was a lawyer
representing the Christian mission that we'd gone to.

And she said she'd been promised by one of our researches
a 1991 Camaro, and it was an 89.

and she said that was misrepresentation and she was going to sue me.

It really did happen.

Then she said that if I gave her $20,000 in cash,

she might be able to make the case go away.

And you won't believe what happened to us next.

No. Which was that a very very large pickup turned up
full of heavily armed very burly men,

told us to get off their street.

Yes. So really, we do have 2 Top Gear Top Tips for you tonight.

One: yes, you can buy rather than rent,

and Two: don't go to America!

Top Gear is back to its normal self next week.
So we'll see you then. Thanks for watching. Good night!

TransGear subtitle team
The Sim-Race Federation of China