Top Gear (2002–…): Season 6, Episode 9 - Episode #6.9 - full transcript
Jeremy tests the Renaultsport Megane and the Vauxhall Astra VXR and compare both of them to the VW Golf GTi. Richard and James are having a game of "Road Test Russian Roulette", which involves them testing various cars while driving the car's owner back home (since the owners are drunk). Jeremy reviews the new BMW M5.
--CLARKSON: Tonight, Thunderberks are go...
We attempt a world record...
And the most annoying car I've ever driven...
...turns out to be one of the best.
Hello! And we're going to start tonight with hot hatchbacks.
Now for you, they probably conjure up images of a young man
with a tyre-fitter haircut
squealing around a housing estate at 3:00 in the morning.
Something like him, really, is what I'm thinking of.
You probably think they're boy racer cars
and that they shouldn't be touched with a bargepole.
I'm not so sure.
I love hot hatchbacks because they offer drawback-free motoring.
You can put a chest of drawers in the back
and take it home at a million miles an hour.
This makes them ideal for the family man or woman
who's had to wave goodbye to the sports car
because children have arrived.
And for a while now, this has been our favourite,
the Mark V Golf GTI.
In fact, in 2004 we made this the Top Gear--Car of the Year.
But now, there are some newcomers to consider.
Starting with this.
Now, I should explain that Renault's first attempt
at making a hot Megane, it's called the 225 and you can still buy it.
So now they've tried again and it's much better.
It doesn't have the quality feel of the Golf or the comfort,
but what you lose on the swings
you gain when you go round a roundabout.
Everything feels much sharper than it does in the Volkswagen,
the brakes, the turning, the throttle response.
It's an absolute riot!
And it feels like quite an angry car as well.
(GROWLING IN FRENCH ACCENT) "I'm very angry
"about having such a big bottom!
"And I'm completely livid about your EU rebate as well!"
Of course, like all French things, it smokes. Look at this!
Look! Look at this! (LAUGHS)
(IN FRENCH ACCENT) I like to smoke my front tyres!
Oh, yes! I like that very much.
It is fun, though, and it is fast.
With 222 brake horsepower on tap,
it'll do nought to 60 in six and a half seconds.
Flat out, you'll be doing 147,
which is about the same as the Golf, actually.
The cost? Well, the stripped-out cut version is £18,600.
If you want some toys and leather, it'll be £20,000,
exactly the same as the Golf.
It's a tricky choice.
I mean, the Renault is quite a loutish-looking car
and it isn't as well made as the Golf
and it isn't as refined.
But it is more exciting.
And to make things even more complicated,
we must now meet our third contender.
Yes, I know, I know, it's a Vauxhall.
But is that such a bad thing these days?
Obviously, the Vectra does let the side down a bit.
It sits in the range like a big mound of dog dirt
on your brand new sitting room carpet.
But the truth is that these days Vauxhall is on a bit of a roll.
There's the Luton futon, the VX220,
there's the wonderful Monaro muscle car
and the clever new Zafira MPV.
And now we've got this, the Astra VXR,
which in a hot hatch beauty contest
would certainly go home with the tiara.
---(ENGINES REV) -It really is Miss Iceland
up against Miss Munich Beer Festival
and Miss I've Had All The Pies.
And the Astra isn't just a pretty face, either.
All these cars have turbo-charged 2-litre engines,
they're all the same size and they all weigh about the same as well.
But, though all the animals are equal,
the Vauxhall is more equal than the others.
And that's because its engine churns out 240 brake horsepower.
That is 20 more than the Renault.
It's 40 more than the Golf!
As a result, it'll hit 60 in six seconds.
And, unlike the others, it'll sail way past 150.
-(ENGINE ROARS) -Makes a good noise as well.
So, it's the best-looking, the fastest and, get this,
it's also the cheapest.
Not just slightly, either.
This powerhouse, this road rocket,
is £1,000 less than the Golf and the Renault.
There are a few drawbacks, of course.
Because of the sloping rear end, our chest of drawers wouldn't fit in the boot.
And the stereo, navigation, trip computer thing
is completely unfathomable.
And then there's the VXR's really big problem.
Putting this much power in a front-wheel drive car has a name.
It's called "the chaos theory"!
You're asking the front wheels to deal with the steering
and 240 rampaging stallions.
And, you know what? They can't.
And so, if a butterfly flaps its wings in China,
you're going into a tree.
Just... The wheel's all over the place!
Driving this car is like getting a piggy-back off Richard Hammond
after he's had a couple of pints of Stella.
You don't know what he's going to do next or where he's going.
I've got torque steer when I accelerate,
I've got understeer when I turn into a bend,
and if I lift off, I've got oversteer.
Well, in case you don't know what torque steer is, let me just show you, okay?
Let me just pull up here.
Into first. Hands off the wheel. Okay?
Just watch the steering wheel here, as I accelerate.
Turbo comes in and we turn left.
And again. Left.
That is torque steering the car.
And it's good if you want to go left!
If you see one of these cars burning rubber
and slewing round the estate where you live,
don't call the police.
It won't be a yobbo.
It'll be your next-door neighbour, just trying to drive to work.
"I've bought a Vauxhall and it's mad!"
There are many options available for this car,
but there's only one it really needs.
There you go.
Anyway, listen. See this?
-Yes, a Ferrari 308. -Ferrari 308.
We used to dream about this, yeah?
I did actually have a poster of one of these on my bedroom wall, yes.
Absolutely. Let me tell you something interesting.
The engine in that Vauxhall produces exactly the same brake horsepower
as the V8 in the back of this.
That puts into perspective how powerful that is.
That is actually... If someone had come up to me when I was 18 and said,
"When you're grown up, you'll be able to buy a Vauxhall
-"with the same power as your supercar..." -Startling!
Anyhow, we've now got to find out
how fast the Vauxhall goes round our track.
So we must hand it over, of course, to the tame racing driver.
Some say that his voice can only be heard by cats
and that he has two sets of knees.
All we know is he's called The Stig.
---(TYRES SQUEAL) -Away, away he goes,
bouncing off the limiter with a puff of smoke.
All going well so far. But that's because he's going in a straight line.
Here comes the first corner, though.
This is where it's going to get interesting.
Turns in hard, tyres squealing in pain.
Not crashed yet.
The Stig shaking his head there.
Not even the sound of camel can sooth it.
Driving on the brake and braking very hard into Chicago.
Very neat so far through there,
but what's it gonna be like on the way out?
Oh, a little bit messy! On the grass.
He's trying to oversteer on the way into Hammerhead.
Look at that understeer!
It's understeering like a shopping trolley full of logs.
This car is completely bonkers
but Stig's bravely keeping his foot down through the Follow-Through.
And looking quick through the tyres. Very quick.
There are two corners left now. Here he comes.
He's going to be sawing away at the wheel.
No kerb left unclipped! On the grass again! Sweaty paws now.
He's going across the line!
Very good driving from The Stig, there, 'cause it is potty.
I have the time!
And it is one minute and 33 seconds, dead,
which is in there.
Now, as you'd expect, that is 2.1 seconds faster than the Golf GTI, okay?
But it's half a second slower than the Renault.
-Really? -Yeah. Unbelievable!
It just shows how much of this engine's power is being wasted.
I mean, you could give it a million horsepower,
if the chassis can't put it on the road, pointless!
Sort of exciting, though, isn't it? Come on.
It's exciting in the same way that being shot at is exciting.
Okay, what about the Renault?
Renault's tempting, no question about that. It's a very good car.
But you know what? I'd have still had the Volkswagen.
I would 'cause it does what a hot hatchback is supposed to do.
It does everything.
And don't think it's boring.
Who would like to see what happened
when The Stig tried to get it round our track? Yes?
-ALL: Yes! -Play the tape.
Here he comes. Look, it's the final corner. Clips the curb,
thinks he's gonna understeer off, uses the handbrake
and... Oh, no! Oh, Stiggy!
We nearly killed him!
He nearly died.
Rolled it over.
So you see, it is a great car. Brilliant!
Anyway, we must now do the news.
Yes, and big news! We've just seen a round-up of hot hatches there.
Well, we've just got news of another one that's arrived.
It's this from Ford, the Focus ST.
Now, that has 222 brake horsepower,
which is exactly the same as the Renault, I believe.
It's gonna be pretty brisk. Top speed over 140 miles an hour.
Nought to 60 about the six and a bit seconds mark.
So, less mental than the Vauxhall, then?
Yes. Kind of in between. That could be a very good car.
-How fast? -I've just said, if you'd been listening.
But I can understand you're not.
-I was over there! -Yes, and at your age...
I don't know how fast it is. How fast does it go, then?
-How fast? -Why do I bother?
-Does anybody listen? -Why do I bother?
I've just told you and everybody else here, it's...
I didn't... I was walking over here!
No. You're old and deaf. You've got an excuse.
-MAN: Over 140. -Over 140.
One person heard!
How fast does it go from nought to 60?
MAN: Over 140!
-No, that's not true! -(LAUGHTER)
Why do we do this?
"Over 140." If you go from nought to 60 in "over 140",
that's bloody slow!
-That's poor! -Well, that's that covered!
Hey, now, you know we're always banging on about speed cameras, okay?
Well, I've got some facts that you might like to digest. Okay?
Last year in Hertfordshire the number of cameras they had went up by 24%.
Deaths went up by 34%.
Wiltshire, cameras went up 14%, deaths went up 22%.
It's the same story in Avon and Somerset, same story in North Wales.
Okay, now, County Durham, no cameras, deaths went down 24%.
And North Yorkshire as well. No cameras, deaths down 9%.
And there's a good reason for this.
'Cause if you're driving down a road that's got loads of cameras,
all you look at is your speedometer and into bushes.
And you're never looking where you're going!
You know The Institute of Advanced Motorists, this lot...
-The wheel-shufflers! -The wheels. They always drive...
What did you think I meant?
They always drive... Anyway... Yes!
-Wheel-shufflers. -Yes, the wheel-shufflers.
Even they are now saying that they want more warning of speed cameras,
and they've said why can't they put the speed limit
that is prevailing at the time, on the back of the camera?
-That's a brilliant idea! -That is a brilliant idea!
'Cause how many times do you see a camera and think,
"I don't know what the speed limit is!"
-Anyway, chaps, very, very bad news, I'm afraid. -CLARKSON: What?
-The Clio V6... -Yes?
You know, the mid-engined really bonkers one? There it is.
CLARKSON: Gone? HAMMOND: No!
-Going, very soon. -I love that car!
-HAMMOND: They're brilliant! -I mean, it had the worst turning circle in the world...
Oh, yeah, you had to go into Germany to turn it round.
You had to go round the world to actually turn it around.
But I don't... Why are they dropping it?
Well, because there's a new Clio.
We've got a picture of the new Clio in fact.
-There it is. -HAMMOND: Yeah.
And they say that the regular hot front-drive version of that
-is gonna be good enough. -Rubbish!
-Well, it won't be mad enough. -It's wrong.
Renault are wrong. You're wrong, wrong, wrong.
And there's more bad news, 'cause you know the Honda NSX?
-MAY: I love that car. -Going as well.
Honda have announced that they're dropping the NSX.
So thank you very much, Mr Blair!
Why are you blaming him?
Well, he takes the credit for the Olympics and the economy,
which he had nothing to do with,
so he can take the blame for that!
Hey, now there's a new version of one of our favourite supercars on Top Gear.
It's this, the Pagani Zonda F version, and it is stunning.
7.3 litre V12, 602 brake horsepower.
Nought to 60 is now down to 3.6 seconds, 215 miles per hour.
That will cost you... (GULPS) £390,000.
-What would you sell? -Everything.
-Really? -To have one of those? Yeah! Oh, yeah, obviously...
-House? -Oh, house, kids, wife, all of that! Yeah!
-Horse? -Dogs, horses, cats.
No, I've been thinking about this. It gets down to...
You see, you don't need two kidneys and you don't need two to drive that,
and you'd get a lot... So I'd sell a kidney.
-And you only need one lung. -Yeah, get shot of a lung.
Ears. Perhaps you don't need the outside bit, do you?
-Nose. -Yeah, like, I don't think you need these two fingers.
I mean, 'cause you could drive like that. (MIMICS ENGINE)
-Sell those. -Yeah, you could sell all of those.
-What about your penis? -No, I need that. No.
Not if you haven't got a nose. You won't need...
No, I will. I do. I've got a plan.
-Sperm banks. 25 quid a shot. -(LAUGHTER)
-You get paid, as it were. -Is that true?
-Is that true? -Yeah.
Four of those a day.
You could pay for your petrol and your insurance quite easily. You could run it.
I mean, you'd be a bit, like, slumped at the wheel...
Put my hands on the...
You could splash out on a Zonda.
Hey! Yeah, I could!
If there are any children watching, ask your mum and dad what we're on about.
Right. Now, let's move on. The other day, James and I came up with a new game.
It's called Road Test Russian Roulette.
This is the headquarters of scooterMAN,
somewhere deep in the beating heart of London.
Every day, the people here play a vital role in keeping the city running.
Without their tireless and caring work,
the capital would quite literally fall apart.
What scooterMAN do is this.
If you've had a few too many down the pub, you ring them up,
pay a few quid, and then a man turns up
to whatever bar you're slumped in,
and drives you safely home in your own car.
So then you enjoy a late night Pot Noodle,
watch pornography on Channel 5,
and fall asleep on your own sofa.
So what we're going to do is work for them on a busy Friday night.
The beauty of this is that we get to drive lots of different cars and test them.
The downside is that we've got no idea what those cars are going to be.
All we know for certain, of course, is that the owners will be drunk.
And that they'll probably laugh when we turn up,
because our scooters... Well, they're not exactly butch!
I think we might have overdressed slightly.
-I think I might have overgrown slightly. -(LAUGHS)
What time are you looking at travelling, sir?
--HAMMOND: As the bookings came in for the evening,
I was getting worried about the issue of plain and simple good manners.
-We've got to road test these cars. -Yeah.
But we've got to road test it with the person who owns it in the car.
Well, what if we think it's rubbish?
You've got to be polite. It's their car.
No, I disagree. I think you owe it to the viewers
to be honest about the car. That's the point. This is road testing.
Right, I've got an idea. I think what we do... I'm gonna give a codeword.
If I think the handling's rubbish, I'm gonna say it's a bit salty.
That means it's rubbish. They won't know what it means,
but you'll know I mean it's rubbish.
So condiments are bad? That's what you're saying.
All condiments are bad news.
So if I'm loading the scooter into the boot, and they're within earshot...
-The boot space is... Horseradish? -Yes!
He's gonna think you've been drinking as well.
-Possibly. -I'm just gonna tell it like it is.
-What, you're gonna be straight with them? -Yeah.
--HAMMOND: The clock ticked away.
The first drunken SOS's came in,
and we hit the highway.
(ROCK MUSIC PLAYING)
What? What? What? What do you suggest? That's all I've got!
Well, it's Friday night, it's about 10.30, but at least I'm out!
Ow! God! Someone should fix the suspension!
MAY: I'd arrived at my first job, and a bit of a result,
the latest Mercedes A-Class. With a diesel engine!
-MAN: Hey, you all right? -I'm fine, thank you!
-How you doing? -Hello!
-Are you Julia? Hello! -Yeah, I'm Julia.
-I'm Richard. -Hi, Richard.
--HAMMOND: I got lucky as well. A Citroen C4.
It'll go in there, I'm sure.
Right. Just give me a minute with the motorcycle over here.
Mind you, when I said "a minute"...
Disconnect the throttle linkage...
Right, I'll just move the seat forward...
-Remove the pin... -You need any help out there?
Yes, fine, thank you! I'm just draining the carburettor.
Well, that's good. You can get a motorcycle in the boot of an A-Class.
--HAMMOND: Meanwhile, I was wooing the ladies.
A Citroen C4 costs, you know, just mentioning it, £12,895 with £1,100 cashback.
10.6 seconds to 60,
-which is not exactly class, really, but it's enough. -Yeah. It's okay.
-That was road test stuff. What do you think? -(LAUGHS)
-Road-test chat. -Not very cool, is it, really?
MAY: I had this vision of climbing into cars with people being sick on my head, or...
But I suppose you've been to a dinner party, haven't you?
You haven't been clubbing.
Which wasn't a very good dinner party.
-Er, thank you. It was lovely! -Was it?
-Are you huffing at me? -Yeah, she's gonna kill you!
It won't come out, honestly, if we're not...
-After I kill you. -They would...
They would never put that on anyway 'cause they know that would cause trouble.
And I'll tell them not to put that on.
HAMMOND: You do know you could get these with a vibrating seat.
GIRL 1: Oh, my God. GIRL 2: Really?
What is the, uh, the point of the vibration in the seat?
The seats vibrate if you wander out of your lane on the motorway.
GIRL 2: Can you put it on automatically?
--HAMMOND: James, meanwhile, true to his word,
was giving the A-Class and its owners a thorough going-over.
As we can see, If we tip it into a roundabout there,
it really does hang on remarkably well.
-Are you hanging on well? -I'm hanging on very well, yes, thank you.
Now, of course, the downfall of this car originally was the so-called elk test,
whereby the car was likely to topple over in a violet manoeuvre,
-but just to be on the safe side... -Ooh.
As you can see, it's now perfect.
-You all right, darling? -(WOMAN CHUCKLES)
-I find the switch arrangement and all this fixed hub... -Futuristic!
-It's a bit salty. -Yeah, it's quite bold.
-Yes, very bold. Bit spicy. -Bit spicy.
--HAMMOND: James, as promised, was not so diplomatic.
I really can't see the good case, sir,
for having the diesel version.
-Why not? -Because it's rough, grumbly, slow...
And probably tells other people that you're a bit tight.
-My wife doesn't mind that. -What do you mean I don't mind it?
Now, look, I don't want to start a marital, this is just a road test.
I noticed the brakes on this are a little bit, um...
MAY: Overall, I found the new A-Class to be much more spacious,
and a definite improvement all round over the old one.
The only black mark was the price.
This particular model had extras like parking sensors,
leather seats, climate control and so on.
And the cost was truly staggering.
-How much did you pay, if you don't mind me asking? -£25,000.
You're joking! For an A-Class?
Do you think that's expensive?
Well, of course it's expensive! Why do you have a gold one?
I think you got it because of all the bits that were attached to it.
-So this one was in stock at the dealer? -That's right.
He must be laughing his head off!
MAN: At the end of the day, who looks at the outside of their car?
-Everybody else. That's the problem! -(WOMAN GIGGLES)
--HAMMOND: As for the C4, it had a lot of kit,
the ride was smooth, and best of all it looked great.
So overall, pretty good, then.
But, I had to tell the owner, not the one I'd recommend.
The Focus is maybe a bit... (SOFTLY) better.
(WHISPERS) In every way!
-So do you take pissed girlies home regularly? -Yeah!
--HAMMOND: Whilst James powered to his next job,
I tried to reassemble my scooter.
All right, that's dropped off. That's bad.
But at least it had fallen apart whilst it wasn't moving.
The seat's come off! The seat's come off! Hey!
MAY: As the night wore on, we dashed from drunkard to drunkard.
I don't want to go in. It's full of lesbians dancing.
I love these.
I like a pickup. I live in the country, you see.
You've put a student amount of petrol in it.
Yeah, 'cause I am a student.
--MAY: One of the surprise treats of the night was
a seven-year old Renault Clio automatic.
Hey! It's good!
That's a smooth change! That's a speed camera. Yes, you're quite right.
The interesting thing about the French nation,
I think because they are essentially peasants and communists,
is that they are quite good at the fairly small and fairly simple car.
HAMMOND: Whilst James was giving his student a free sociology lecture,
I was racing towards my last job of the evening.
Bring it on!
Do you know, I could have had him.
MAY: Meanwhile, I turned up to my last job and got off to a bit of a poor start.
Would you mind holding my helmet?
-It's BBC2, so, um... -(LAUGHS)
(SOFTLY) It's an Audi A3 1.6.
You know what you need to highlight at some point, okay?
This is a huge design fault in this car. Do you see this armrest?
-Yes? -Do you know about this already?
-Yes. -You probably do.
The fact that the armrest and the handbrake...
You have to move the armrest up to put the handbrake on.
And isn't that a really bad design fault that needs to be highlighted?
Yes. You spoiled my big moment.
So this is a Volvo V40 1.8.
Which, frankly, was a bit of a problem for me.
And I've now run out of things to know about the Volvo V40.
-It's Swedish. -It says it's Swedish, and it says 1.8 on the boot.
--MAY: But if Richard couldn't get any words out,
I was having trouble getting a word in.
Now, this is essentially the entry level Audi A3 with the 1.6-litre engine.
-And... -Sport, actually.
-And it's a Sport. -FSI.
-Yes, I know. -So not entry-level at all.
-Well, it is, 'cause it's the smallest one. -It's not.
-Engine size-wise, but not model-wise. -Yes.
-No, I'm talking about the engine. -Okay.
The criticism I've always had about the more sporting setups and the ideas
-that the ride is always compromised. -Suspension. Yeah.
I like driving it, I don't like being a passenger in it quite so much.
Well, you'll have to stop drinking.
Other things to say about this.
Well, as you can see, the steering operates
by this disc-shaped object here.
Do you mind awfully if I stop here briefly? I'll be back in a sec.
Sorry about that!
So, it was launched in 1996,
with 115 brake horsepower.
And in 1998, the 1.8 litre petrol engine was upgraded to
to a 122 brake horsepower.
-That's an encyclopaedic knowledge you've got there. -Yeah, it's...
It's part of my job. I have to know about every car.
You can feel, especially at low speed, that the ride in this becomes a little bit...
Well, it's a bit like cranberry sauce, really.
What, it goes with everything?
HAMMOND: In the end, the Volvo was, well, a Volvo.
A good-sized boot and pretty forgettable to drive.
What I can report, though, is this one had done 120,000 miles,
but it still felt as tight as a drum.
MAY: As for the Audi A3, well, the 1.6 engine was gutsy enough,
but with the rest of the car, I was struggling to find something interesting.
-Good quality indicator tick in Audis. -(GIRL CHUCKLES)
The most irritating thing on this version, though, was the choppy ride.
Naturally, not everyone agreed.
The alternative to this one, of course, at a similar price, is the SE.
-And I... -Which is the one I would have!
Right. It is just gone 2:00 in the morning,
and I've got another one to do. But first, I've gotta build my bike.
And the blunt Mr May? Well, he'd met his match.
Well, I got her phone number, so I can always give her a ring
if I get stuck on any of my other road tests.
Yes, James, you were very good!
You were marvellous.
-You were pathetic! -What? Well...
Just all that rubbish about not wanting to tell people how bad their cars were.
All right, I was a bit... Peppery.
Yes, um... 'Cause it's not difficult, frankly.
I mean, he proved it, okay? I mean, for instance, what do you drive?
-An SD1. -A Rover SD1?
You see, that's an awful car.
-You, what have you got? -A Renault Clio.
You stole that, good.
Renault Clio was the car that caused me to leave old Top Gear
'cause it was so boring, I couldn't think of anything to say about it.
-See how easy this is? -Oi, you, come out here.
Ask him! Ask him what he's got!
I've got a Fiesta. I've got a Fiesta.
-What do you think of that then, big fella? -Good car.
-There you go. -You what? Sorry?
-I drive it from the back seat! -You drive from the back seat.
This is terrifying! I feel like... I feel like...
Have you ever seen Stonehenge when the top bits drop off?
I've got to say, though, that Audi woman you had, she was amazing.
Yeah, I found her strangely attractive.
Nothing strange about the attraction there. She was great.
Now before I finish, that scooter, then, was it expensive?
Um, ell, it works out about the same as, you know, a taxi trip home
and then one back to get your car to take it home from the pub, so...
So what did you two do with your money?
We got drunk and then paid for some berk on a scooter to come and pick us up.
Okay, it is now time to put a star in our reasonably-priced car.
He's a hugely successful DJ,
television presenter and businessman.
And he achieved all this despite being born with a terrible affliction.
Ladies and gentlemen, Chris Evans!
-How are you, mate? -Nice to see you.
-Good to see you. Have a seat. -You okay?
-Now, you're going back on the radio. -I am.
-Radio 2. -Apparently. That's what I heard.
-That's the big one. Land of the giants. -Yup.
-Wogan, Ross, Bruce... And now you. -Uh-huh.
-What're you doing there? -What does that mean?
Land of the giants, the giants in broadcasting...
-Are you nervous about it? -No. Not at all.
It's what I do for a living. Are you nervous now?
-No. -Well, you should be, baby!
The other thing as well, about Radio 2 is it always finishes at 7:00.
-You noticed that? -What, there's nowt on after that.
Yeah, there's nothing on. It's folk or something.
So you turn to Radio 4 and then you've got The Archers.
--Yeah, which I've got to say The Archers--is not...
'Cause I live in a village... Our village is far more exciting than The Archers.
And the lesbian kiss on The Archers... You don't want that.
You want the giant vegetables.
-'Cause that's the real deal. -A lesbian kiss?
-A lesbian kiss. -On the radio?
-Yeah, I mean, if you... -How does that work?
Well, it doesn't work, obviously not for me. But you know, real drama...
Well, it does... (STAMMERS)
But, um, no, real drama in villages is like...
You know, We've got this guy called Alan The Egg, right?
Who actually sells 24,000 dozen eggs every year.
We've also got this other guy called Alan The Mole who's a pest exterminator.
Now, I used to deal with Alan The Mole because I had some moles on me land.
And so I used to go in the pub and they said, "Oh, have you met Alan The Egg yet?"
No. I thought, "Isn't it weird there's an Alan The Mole and an Alan The Egg?"
But it's the same bloke!
Such drama. I mean, that's what you wanna hear.
You wanna be educated when you watch something or listen.
--Yeah, I listened to The Archers.
No, The Archers, they just manage to drone on for 10 minutes
about, you know, somebody's walk down a public footpath.
I just can't listen to it.
-Well, don't then. -I just turn off the radio and sing.
-Radio 2 is there for when you're sick of The Archers. -Yeah.
But you can speed the traffic up as well 'cause you can play fast records.
-It does work. -It does work.
Do you drive faster when quick records come on?
I prefer to drive in silence. I love to drive in silence.
I love the sound of the engine of the car.
And that's why I bought a Mustang.
'Cause a Mustang is the only car that sounds like it does in the films.
Yeah, there's a couple. A Triumph TR5 sounds a bit like it does in the movies.
But I think the Mustang's just about as good as it gets.
-What movie's a TR5 been in? -Lots of movies.
-(AUDIENCE LAUGHS) -On the television.
You did go a bit mental a while back.
You got to go mental. You have to do it. You have to go through the tunnel.
-How mental did you go, do you think? -In what aspect?
I don't know. You just kept reading weird stories about you.
Oh, well, they're gonna be true, aren't they?
Well, they're not all that... It's true.
I kept writing them as well.
You have admitted, I think, haven't you, that you got a bit off the rails?
Yeah, no, I did go off the rails, but I don't regret it.
I know my voice went a bit high there,
which psychoanalysts would say I have a problem with it,
(IN FALSETTO) but I don't!
No, no, I'm still off the rails in that sense of the word.
You even took up golf!
I like playing golf and I think it's a great game...
-What? -MAN: Quite right.
Look at him with his Val del Este golf resort on his T-shirt!
That's a poor look.
I've got to say, the only thing... This is not against you, sir.
The only thing I don't to do is I don't like to look like a golfer.
See what we mean? Look at that. Check it out.
And that's no offence to... I just don't like the way they dress.
And you do, unfortunately, have to dress like that when you go on courses,
but I do not want to look like a golfer.
We saw you recently in the newspapers, which may or may not be true.
-Getting rid of a whole load of belongings. -Yeah, that's true.
-That was true? -That's absolutely true.
-Cars as well? -Cars are part of it. Still are.
So what cars did you get rid of?
I got rid of a Jag XKE,
I got rid of a Chevrolet Silverado.
I got rid of a Series 1 Land Rover, a Shelby 350 Mustang,
a 1957 190 drop-top California SL,
a Bentley Brooklands,
and I can't remember any more. But I did sell those.
So a lot of cars. So what are you down to now, then?
I've got them with me. Do you want to see them?
I took some Polaroids this morning... -Yeah, let's have a look.
Just so you could see. This is what I had left.
-Okay, so... I don't know. You take them, you take them. -I'll take them.
-You be in charge. Go on. -Okay, a Ferrari...
-550? That was a good one. -Yeah.
-Another Series 1 Land Rover. -No, that's, um...
-No, that's not Series 1, is it? -No, that's about
30 years after that.
-I've noticed the alloy wheels and everything. -And the V8 engine.
Yeah, I know, V8. Yes, no, that's very good.
-It's a ragtop ??. -No, no, no.
No, you said this. See, a Morris Minor drop-top, yeah?
You want girls to like you, boys, get one of those.
-'Cause a bad man would never drive one of those cars. -That's true.
No, it's not!
What do you reckon?
The point is... What is that, a '60, what, Mustang?
-'64 Mustang. -A '64 Mustang and a Mark II Jag?
Yeah, a Mark II Jag, yeah.
That's a lot of cars you've still got left.
-I've got a minibus as well. -Why?
Because, I'll tell you what happened with the minibus, right.
So I had five years off, basically, and I thought, well, what shall I do?
I thought what would be really nice is to take some old people to the shops.
-Right? -WOMAN: Aww!
So I bought this... See, it works.
So I went and bought a minibus
and I put an advert in the local paper, the Surrey Ad.
"Free minibus travel on Tuesdays and Thursdays for OAPs."
-Not a single call. -Not one?
-Not a single call. -Not even a nutter.
Just nothing. So sod 'em.
They're all listening to The Archers,--plainly, at home.
-Waiting for the lesbian kiss. -Yes.
I still can't get into the idea of a radio...
Maybe I imagined that. Maybe that didn't happen.
Maybe it was Brookside. I remember that one, Anna Friel.
-One of your exes, wasn't she? -Yup.
Was it the Morris Minor that...
No, no, no, it was something smaller.
-You do love cars. -I appreciate the aesthetics of them.
The thing that turns me on about a car is if it's beautiful or not,
or if it's interesting, or if it's got character.
But I don't, per say... I'm not a petrol-head, you know.
I don't know anything about the cars I've got at all.
So what about the driving?
Well, I am the slowest driver in the world,
which is why when I came here today, I thought, you know,
"Please don't turn me into somebody who says things on the track
"'cause they think they really care about how fast they go." And guess what happened?
You were outed.
-You started to care. -I actually said at one point,
out loud, "Focus." "Oh, no! I said, 'Focus'!"
Well, who'd like to see this lap
to see how it went? Yeah? -ALL: Yeah! -Okay, play the tape.
Let's have a look. (ENGINE REVS) (TYRES SQUEAL)
CLARKSON: Yes, a good start. How many laps did he give you?
Oh, look at that!
And driving on the red and white,
which is really slippery on there.
That's brave, frankly.
Maybe I've peaked! (GASPS) What if I've peaked?
You're starting to care now, aren't you? You're starting
to care about your lap. That's very smooth through there. Excellent.
Why does it matter? This shouldn't matter!
CLARKSON: It does. And into the Hammerhead,
where it could all go horribly wrong.
Ooh, that's excellent.
What do you mean you can't drive?
No, I didn't say I couldn't drive.
I said I don't drive fast. CLARKSON: There you see... Oh, gone across
the red and white lines. -I daren't go along those. -(WHOOPS)
CLARKSON: This bit here. EVANS: Yeah.
Cut the corner nicely.
Don't look at speed, I don't want to know
how fast I'm going. CLARKSON: You turned in quite early there.
Oh! Very neat. That is brilliant!
Now, cut that corner properly and across the line!
I'm not gonna lean forward like I care
about what the time is. -It is... -(SHOUTS) Well,
what's the time? -So where do you reckon? -I don't know. Well...
That was quick. I reckon that was...
It looked... -Top third. Maybe. -Top third? Oh, yeah.
-Oh, really? -Oh, yeah.
You did it in one minute...
-I'm leaning forward! Don't lean forward!
-You were! Every week, every guest, "Oh, I'm not bothered..."
-Go on. What is it, Jeremy? -One minute, forty...
seven point nine.
That is unbelievably quick!
Fantastic. That was brilliant!
'Cause that car control on that first corner,
most people would have spun it there.
But Stig's the man, isn't he? I mean, he's brilliant,
the guy at teaching. -Oh, he is. -And what he does is, when
you go out on the track on your own without him, he listens
and he can come back, and he said, "I think you
lost it on..." He's about a mile and a half away.
The guy's a genius. -The guy's a genius! -He's sadly not a genius,
he's a racing driver. -That's as far as it goes. -But he's so handsome.
-Have you seen him? -Yes, in make-up
he's a dream. He's lying, he's lying, he's lying.
Well, it's been an absolute pleasure
having you here, Chris. -It really has. -Well, thanks for having me.
I'm glad you're going back on the radio.
Well, I've really enjoyed it and I really think
this show is ace. You're too kind. Ladies and gentlemen,
Chris Evans! Now, the greatest driving song of all time.
As you can see, we have four fabulous finalists
and Meat Loaf. And here is today's top tune.
(DON'T STOP ME NOW PLAYING)
MAY: Our final contender is a pop classic from those
monsters of glam rock, Queen.
-- ♪ Having a good time
♪ I'm a shooting star leaping through the sky
like a tiger Don't Stop Me Now was released in 1978
and only reached number nine in the charts.
That was pretty disappointing for the all-conquering Queen,
but frankly, it doesn't matter.
Because this song is your first kiss,
-- your first pay check,
it's passing your driving test and your A-levels
all on the same day. ♪ I'm driving at the speed of light
When this song is on, it never seems to rain.
The roads are empty. You feel invincible.
♪ And having such a good time I'm having a ball
-- Only the truly tone deaf
will fail to join in Mr Mercury's
high energy sing-along. ♪ ...Just gimme a call ♪ Don't stop me now
♪ 'Cause I'm having a good time
Not just a great driving song, then, a tonic for life.
-- ♪ ...stop at all ♪
So, to vote for Queen, you telephone 09011986363.
That call will cost you 10 pence.
You can also use the website. (READING WEBSITE ADDRESS)
You can of course vote for any song at any time,
although please do be aware that your home may be at risk
if you vote for Meat Loaf. (AUDIENCE LAUGHS)
Right. Time for another of our feat of unfeasible daring.
This is a big, flat, empty place.
Perfect for a spot of automotive gymnastics.
The Guinness Book of World Records
contains many amazing examples of human achievement,
including one for the quickest time taken
to make a sandwich with your feet.
Absolutely. And fair enough.
But we've found a glaring omission,
because at the moment, there is no record
for the number of times a car can roll over
at high speed. So, that's what we're gonna do today.
Now, there are rules to this kind of thing.
The Guinness people have defined a roll
as one complete revolution of the car.
Like this. From its wheels onto the side,
onto the roof, back onto the side,
and back onto the wheels again.
And they'll only recognise our record
if we fully roll the car five times.
And there's one more thing.
To make the record official, there has to be a person
inside the car. And it's gonna be me, who introduces you to Steve,
So, what kind of car is Steve going to
risk his neck in? Is it some hefty Hummer or some Renault, with
a five-star safety rating? Oh, dear, no!
In fact, it's a 1991 Ford Sierra Estate.
There is some logic to our low-budget lunacy,
though. You see, the Estate's curved, tube-like shape
should help keep it rolling over and over.
-- Now, for this to work,
we also need a massive amount of energy
going through the car when it rolls.
So, our stuntman is gonna belt down the runway
at 60 miles an hour and make a violent, sharp left.
Then, for good measure, he's gonna
yank on the handbrake. But that's not going to be enough
to give us the minimum of five complete rolls
that we need. So, once the car is into a skid,
Steve is gonna hit this button and all hell will break loose
as it triggers this cannon,
which uses compressed air to fire a steel piston
which'll smash into the ground,
flipping the car. And remember, this is not--You Bet!
We have no idea what's going to happen.
-Okay. So, the audience is ready.
---(ENGINE REVS) Here we go!
For this stunt to succeed, timing is crucial.
When Steve hits 60 miles an hour,
he must pull the handbrake and detonate the cannon in almost the same instant.
Well, obviously, they're seeing if
his head's come off. I'm assuming it hasn't, because that probably
--renders it null and void. In fact, Steve was fine.
But understandably, he'd been too busy
to count the number of rolls. So let's check again in slow motion.
We did it! We did it.
Yeah, we did.
We did it!
We only needed five and as you saw there,
we managed six. So we did it! And look, we even got a certificate
there and everything. -Look at that! -Look, Top Gear.
I want to talk about the BMW M5.
There've been loads of versions
over the years, and I've loved all of them.
Because, in essence, what you got
is a massively powerful engine shrouded by the quiet dignified body
of an ordinary 5 Series. Now though, there's a new M5 and that's rather different.
For a kick-off, the new 5 Series
is an ugly car. Fat at the back and with headlights like
Edna Everage's spectacles. So, to mask the horror, they've festooned the M5
with a deep chin spoiler, and big exhausts,
-- and M5 badges on every panel.
There's nothing quiet or dignified about this.
It's a very shouty car. "Look at me!
Look at how powerful I am!" (SNARLS)
"I'm a shark! I've got a fin on my back!"
And things are even worse when you get inside.
There's so much technology in here that you can't just
get in and go. I mean, first of all, you've got to choose
how ferocious you want the gear changes to be.
You've got a choice of five settings for that.
And then there's three settings
for the differential and two for the suspension.
You can even choose how long you want
the headlamps to stay on after you get home at night.
And it's not like 10, 20, 30 seconds.
It's infinite. So... Do I want 33 seconds
Or 37? I don't know!
42? It's like being in a coffee shop!
Do I want the skinny latte? How much water in my espresso?
It's a good job this is a powerful car
because by the time you've finished fiddling
with all the computer stuff, you'll have a lot of time to make up.
The engine, however, doesn't sound very powerful
when you start it. --(ENGINE PURRS)
-- It sounds more like a diesel.
It is quick.
It's just that, with the 5-litre
400 brake horsepower V10, I was expecting more.
So far, then, things are looking bad.
The new M5 is too ugly, to flash, too complicated,
-- and not very fast.
Then you get to a town and it gets worse.
It doesn't really matter what you do with the gearbox.
Manual, automatic, soft changes, hard changes.
At this kind of speed, it's slow and dim-witted
and jerky and you roll backwards and forwards on hills.
And the ride's rubbish.
And then, things get really bad.
(ROCK 'N' ROLL MUSIC PLAYS)
So, you're driving along and a tune you really like
comes on the radio, so you think, "Well, I'll turn this up.
"There's the volume knob. I'll push it."
-(OPERA MUSIC PLAYING) -It's gone.
. And I've got a fat bint in a tent warbling.
So you have to go into the computer.
Entertainment. FM or AM?
Who listens to the light programme? Who?
Apart from the Queen and the Queen hasn't got an M5!
Why are you giving me this choice?
And when you're doing all that, don't,
whatever you do, hit the indicator stalk,
because it will not self-cancel.
It won't go off.
And if you try to put the stalk back
in the middle again, the other one's gone on.
When you do finally get the song you were listening to
-back on the radio again... Nice.
-(MUSIC STOPS) -(FEMALE VOICE SPEAKING) You get about...
The SATNAV woman interrupts.
And she... She cannot be turned off.
-Take the next road... -Shut up!
-- Turn left 200 yards ahead.
I had to pull over to see if I could shut her down.
-- Please make a legal U-turn.
"Vehicle position, journey computer,
"computer, exit assistant window."
That's not it!
I've had an idea! Oh, yes!
Turn the engine off, that'll kill her.
I have to say, this M5 is a massive disappointment.
I mean, at £62,000, you would expect it
to arrive ready setup. You know, why should you spend all that money...
It's not flat-pack furniture. You're not saving money.
It's expensive. BMW are the experts.
They should sell a car readymade...
Turn right onto B4602 a quarter of a mile ahead.
As I was saying, BMW are the experts.
They're the ones that should sell us a car readymade.
Not one where you have to go home and then
spend the rest of time looking through the manual and, "How do I want this
and how do I want that." Take the next road on the right.
It's almost as though they've made every single button...
-- Turn left half a mile ahead.
-It's almost... -Attention. Traffic restricted
area is ahead. It's almost as though they've made every
single button in this car deliberately complicated and deliberately annoying.
Expect for this one.
Push this and everything changes.
-- You get a head-up display
showing a rev counter and what gear you're in.
The seat bolsters close up in the bends
to hold you tight. The gear box goes to a BMW default setting.
So does the diff, so does the suspension.
-And so does the engine. -(ENGINE REVS LOUDLY)
After you've pushed this button,
the engine is no longer producing
400 brake horsepower. It's producing 507. And that makes a difference.
In M mode, this car stops being annoying
-- and becomes just magnificent!
In M mode, you're taken to a time and a place
where there are no jams, no compromises.
It's a world of motoring perfection.
A place where you can get from nought to 60
in four and a half seconds. And if you remove the limiter, hits 204 miles an hour.
You wanna take it on? Don't bother.
Doesn't matter what you've got,
doesn't matter what you've ever driven.
This is quicker, it's faster, it's more astonishing.
You just cannot believe that
you're in a big four-door saloon,
'cause it goes.
And it feels and it sounds like a Ferrari 430.
And that's about the best car I've ever driven.
When you're in a car this fast and this tactile
and this responsive, you no longer care about the stupid indicators
or the SATNAV woman or what's on the radio. Ooh!
-(TURBO SPOOLS) -Oh!
The steering, the brakes, the power!
-And this noise! -(ENGINE REVS LOUDLY)
The driving experience just dominates everything!
-- Amazing, isn't it?
That this is one of the ugliest and most annoying
cars in the world, but at the touch of a button, it becomes
one of the very best. It becomes an M5.
Are you seriously saying, seriously, that this is better
than a Ferrari F430? -It's a big claim. -It is a big claim.
Well, let me put it this way. This is more powerful, has twice as many doors
and costs half as much.
And it's about twice as annoying.
That SATNAV! I mean, I'm sure you can
turn that thing off. I'm sure in the menu, there's a sub-menu
and another sub-menu and you can make it go away.
But why can't it just have a big button
with "Off" written on it? Or maybe a big hammer with "Off" written on it.
"Off!" That'd be quite useful in everyday life.
"Mobile phones, off!" Yes. Beggars!
"Have you got any spare...?" Off!
See? Brilliant plan.
Anyway, we've got to find out how fast it goes
round out track, so let's bring him out again!
It's The Stig!
-(TYRES SQUEAL) -And there he goes!
Plenty of wheel spin, 'cause of course The Stig has
the car's in M mode! And that means the full 507 brake horsepower.
Here we go, first corner. Look at it go.
That's on the way in. -(TYRES SQUEAL LOUDLY) -And a lot of tyre squeal...
-- And oversteer on the way out!
SATNAV: Turn left half a mile ahead.
-(AUDIENCE LAUGH) -CLARKSON: Oh, dear!
The SATNAV appears to have distracted The Stig there!
-- Very wide into Chicago.
And very slippery on the way out!
Into Hammerhead. Big heavy V10 lump
at the front. Will it make it understeer? No, it doesn't. Look at that.
That's very smooth. Stig doing very well there. A little bit of drift
on the way out there. Van der Graaf Generator. Not one of my favourites,
must be honest. It maybe a heavy car, feels light and nimble
round the track though. Here it comes... Ooh, look at that!
Very fast! Stig's in the groove now!
I have to say, The BMW's ABS is very aggressive.
Cuts in too early for serious late braking.
Doesn't seem to have upset Stig.
He's on the grass! Coming around Gambon! And across the line!
-Good time? -Yeah.
Well, I'll give you the time in a minute.
First of all, though, I must just explain.
When I drove this car on a track,
the diff exploded and it had to go away on a tow truck.
And then, when The Stig drove it
this morning, he finished his lap and on the dashboard
big warning light, traction control gone all wrong.
So it is a bit fragile. Even so, despite that, he did it in 1 minute
26.2 seconds, which is there.
-HAMMOND: That's good! -It's good!
I mean, for a four-door saloon,
it's awesome! And nearly everything in front of it, look,
is a super car. It's half a second quicker than that Merc, the CLS 55.
HAMMOND: It's just I thought it was going to be quicker.
I still think, despite the fragility and that,
it's an epic car! -I mean, just brilliant! -I'm with you, actually.
So are a lot of other people. There's a two-year waiting
list for one of those. There is. That's nothing though.
Did you know the waiting list to get tickets for this show
is 19 years? -It is! -So, on that basis,
Top Gear--is nine and a half times better than the M5.
-Yes, it is. -And on that bombshell,
it's time to end. Thank you very much for watching.
See you next week. Good night!