Top Gear (2002–…): Season 6, Episode 8 - Episode #6.8 - full transcript

CLARKSON: Tonight, James   tries his hand   at being Beethoven.

(VOCALISING)

Richard wrestles   a rampaging bull.

And I develop a sudden urge   to marry my cousin.

Hello,  and welcome to the show!

Now, last week we had a diesel  on our track

and this week we've got  something even more  preposterous out there...

Richard Hammond.

(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)

--HAMMOND: This is   the Vauxhall Monaro

and if it seems familiar,



that's because   we tested this car last year

on Pendine Sands in Wales.

We loved its big,   honest simplicity,

its V8 power and it's amazing value for money.

But, most of all, we loved the ease with which it could do

huge power slides.

In short,   it completely won our hearts.

But now there's a new one.

And, at first,   it seems nothing has changed.

Inside you still get   lashings of leather,

a CD player, air con, electric seats

and all the usual luxuries.

But outside,   you'll notice a difference.

It's grown a pair of nostrils



and it's called VXR.

So, we've brought it to the track because, frankly,

we think this Monaro,   should be kept   in a controlled environment.

You see, underneath  that Kenneth Williams bonnet

it's got more engine  and that means more power.

It's now six litres  instead of five point seven,

400 brake horse power.

Naught to 60? Five point two seconds.

Top speed? 180 miles an hour.

And all for £37,000.

HAMMOND: That makes it   the fastest Vauxhall   since the mentalist

Lotus Carlton of the '90s.

But before we let off   the party poppers,

just hold on a minute.

You see, Vauxhall have fiddled with the suspension

and moved the position   of the fuel tank,

which leaves us with   a question.

Does the Monaro still have   what made it a great car?

Does it still handle   like a dream?

In other words,

is this still the car  we fell in love with  at Pendine?

--HAMMOND: Well, to find out,   we've drafted in some help

from our special friends   in Japan.

These are the D1 Drifters,

the worlds greatest power sliders.

They're heavy smokers,

and they make a car going round a corner into an art form.

And whereas we can slide a car for five seconds

and then run to Mummy,

these gentlemen can do it all day long.

Naturally, the type of car   they use is very important

and it really is a case of old dogs new tricks.

This Mazda RX-7

and this Nissan 200 SX

may be eligible for bus passes

but drifters love them   for their   rear wheel drive agility.

The engines do need   extra oomph though,

so they're chipped   and nitroused   up to 500 brake horse power.

So, with that kind of machine   as a company car,

-what will the drifters think   of my Vauxhall?  -(TYRES SCREECHING)

This is Mr Kazama.  Yes.

He's one of their top guys  at doing this.

And he's going to give me  some hints,

to make sure I get the best out of the Monaro

and find out what  it can really do.

Unfortunately, he doesn't really speak any English.

No.  No.

(MR KAZAMA LAUGHS)

So, we'll do the best we can.  Right.

--HAMMOND: With expert use   of his Marigolds,

he set about teaching me   the art of drifting.

Before. Before?  Before the corner?

Turn before the corner? Turn before the corner.

HAMMOND: Right.

Oh! Oh, oh, oh!

(TYRES SQUEALING)

HAMMOND: Oh, that didn't  work for me.  Let's try that again.

No. More turn?  No.

No.  Less turn?

No, little. A little turn!

(TYRES SQUEALING)

Too much, maybe?  Hmm.

Accelerating. Right.

Here we go. We're in third.

Down to second.  Little turn, more power.

--HAMMOND: But then it started   to come together.

MR KAZAMA: Oh! Oh!

(BOTH LAUGHING)

Thank you for your advice.

You have turned me  into a hero.

More importantly...

Oh! Oh! Oh!

Oh! Oh! Oh!

--HAMMOND: It was a sure sign   that the VXR had lost none

of the original Monaro's   handling abilities.

Lets have you do it.  Okay.

Your turn.  (MR KAZAMA LAUGHS)

--HAMMOND: And if that made me   look good,

you can guess what it did   in the hands of Mr Kazama.

(TYRES SQUEALING)

HAMMOND: This is good. Right!

Oh! Still sideways,  side, still sideways.

Still sideways.

Oh!

Still sideways.

Considering that was  the first time he's ever been  in... In the car.

What do you think?  Okay.

Good car?  Good car.

Good car?  Good car!

HAMMOND: Yeah!

It's making noises.

Things are broken.  Oh!

HAMMOND: I think we can safely  say that  even with me at the wheel,

the Monaro is still  a brilliant car for drifting.

With a guy like this,  it's truly great.

(TYRES SQUEALING)

--HAMMOND: Job done.   So, now we've got a choice.

You can watch me   have another go,

or we can let the Drifters show off a bit more.

Um...

(AUDIENCE APPLAUDS)

You were dwarfed!  He was this high!

I know! A very tall race,  the Japanese.

CLARKSON: Did you see that?

That Japanese bloke  was eight feet taller  than he was.

Tall people.

Like land of the giants.

A tall race, the Japanese,  as it turns out.

Anyway,  you know my back is broken?

No, cos you haven't mentioned  it ever on the television,  the radio,

or in the newspaper  every half hour.

I may have let it slip out once. Anyway,

it was a Monaro that broke it.

Really?  Yeah.

Who'd like to see what  I was doing the day  before my spine went ping?

Rather depends.

Let's have a look.

CLARKSON: Power slide,  power slide,  power slide, power slide.

Look at those  the longest one ever did!

And then my spine shattered.  Yeah.

(AUDIENCE LAUGHS)

It happens, but,  you've got to admit,

this thing is just born to go sideways.

Still...

Mmm! Still love it!

Oh, that's nasty!  I love it.

Still it's now time  to find out,

what it's like  round our track,

when it is sort of  not going sideways.

Yeah. Now, that means  handing it over  to our team racing driver.

Some say  that he's terrified of ducks

and that there's an airport  in Russia named after him.

All we know is  he's called The Stig.

(TYRES SQUEALING)

--HAMMOND: Okay. Away he goes.   Loads of wheel spins there--.

The car's traction control is pretty simple at best of times.

Today we've simply turned it off.

so there could be   some serious sideways action,

as a result.

No sign of it   at the first corner though.

Pretty much under control   so far.

(GENESIS PLAYING ON THE STEREO)

Oh, dear, Stig's listening to Genesis there.

God, I wish Jeremy'd stop   lending him CD's.

Into Chicago, still no hint of drift.

Plainly the Stig   is not Japanese,

even though I'm told   he does appears   on their banknotes.

Hard on the brakes   into Hammerhead now.

Quite a lot of roll there.

But the tail not stepping out   as you might expect.

This shows this car can be   properly quick   when you stop mucking about.

(GENESIS PLAYING ON  THE STEREO)

Oh, dear. Up towards follow through now.

And let's see...

(TYRES SQUEALING)

The Stig's feathering   the throttle slightly   on the way in

but... Whoa!

(CHUCKLES) Really fast through the tyres. Just two corners to go now.

It's still very neat.

Where's all the over stee--r and slidey stuff?

Ooh! It's there, into Gambon   and across the line.

(AUDIENCE APPLAUDS)

Okay. Before...

Before I tell you,

-give him is due. -CLARKSON: Stig?

Keeping that thing  on the straight and narrow.

That was some driving.

Trust me, to try  and stop it going sideways.

That was an achievement.  Nevertheless, the time is...

1:30.1.

That's not bad. So that's about there.

HAMMOND: The same as  the Impreza.  Hey, that's pretty good.

You've got to say, obviously,  there are faster ways  of getting from A to B

but there are very few ways of having as much fun in the process.

Nothing else  as sideways as that.

In fact, I have an idea. Tell you what,  why not put it like that?

(ALL LAUGHING)

And now the news.  And the big news  this week is from Vauxhall,

where it's just been announced  that the Monaro  has been dropped.

They are saying...  What?

I've just been driving it,  mate.

I got the Japanese guys over  and they've dropped it?

Yeah, sorry.  I meant to tell it,  but you wasted your time.

(AUDIENCE LAUGHS)

So, that was all  a complete waste of time,  what he was doing?

That's not embarrassing then.

Have they got anything left that we can buy?

Officially, they say,

they've got enough left to last into the middle of next year...

And 5.7's as well?

Including the original 5.7  which we loved.

That's a fabulous car.  Fabulous.

And you know they recently  reduced the price of the 5.7  to below £30,000?

V8 muscle car  for under £30,000.

Which is phenomenal.  Yes. It really is.

Definite case of buy now,  while stocks last.

So you made a mistake there.

-You've just gone and reviewed the wrong car. -Thank you.

Anyway, listen,  there's a new Honda Civic  coming out very soon

and, um, I've got details  of it over here from Honda.

They say, "For the first time,

"Honda presents a Civic that challenges the top end of the compact class.

"A premium sports compact  for the growing sector  in the C segment."

-I don't know,  what you're saying!  -I don't what I'm saying.

Does anybody here  speak Marketing?

It's just some words!

I've got a picture  of the new car here. Okay?

-Hmm!  -Fabulous looking thing.  And from the back,

CLARKSON: Look at those  triangular exhaust pipes.  HAMMOND: I like that.

Now, it's been specifically designed to look like this,  to frighten old people.

(AUDIENCE LAUGHS)

It has cos, you know,  Honda are pathological  about the fact that

only old people buy their cars?

-Yes.  -The average age of  a Civic buyer is about 130.

At least yeah.  Really are.

So, they've done that  so they can write,  "Don't buy this."

I'm so gonna buy my mother one.

Just to annoy them?

Just to annoy, Honda.

Really unbelievable!

Anyway,  I've got some details of it.

It's £13,000 to £18,000,  same as a Focus.

Same sort of engines  you get in a Focus.

That'll be totally reliable  and it's built in Britain...

which is exactly the kind  of thing old people like.

It is.  There we are.

If you're elderly,  that's your next car.

-There it is.  -Have you not got  a map this week?

Oh, yes!  I am the map correspondent  for Top Gear.

Not a map, as such,  but I have been sent this.

It's the... (CLEARS THROAT)

What?  M4 sights! (LAUGHS)

M4 sights guide

to find out about everything  you can see from your vehicle on the motorway.

Mind you, it does say...

Warning!  Do not use while travelling.

(AUDIENCE LAUGHS)

Now, the most important  new car of the year, okay?

Is the Aston Martin  V8 Vantage.

No question about that. And here it is.

CLARKSON: I've driven it.

Have you? I've driven it.

What's it like?

Well, unfortunately,  there's an embargo on it.  Okay?

Which means I'm not allowed to talk about it until August the 30th.

But we're not on air.

I know, it's a real shame,

cos I really wanted  to talk about the noise.

Cos, honestly it is...

You put your foot down  and there's  this wail from the V8, okay?

Cos there is this

valve in the exhaust, which I can't mention.

You can't tell us this?  No, I can't tell you this.

When you put your foot down,  hard it flicks open

and you can hear that car  two miles away.

-That's how loud it is! -I wish, you could have  told us that.

I know. I'm really sorry.

And the other thing  I can't tell you is the ride.  Okay?

Its firm but it's really well  controlled.

Oh, it's like the most...  A fabulous thing.

You see, I would have loved to have heard that.

I would like to know that.

That's a shame.  You can't tell us how fast  it goes or anything?

No, 175, can't mention that.

You can't tell us that?

No, no sadly not.

I can't wait till the 30th, when we find out.

I know...

Presumably, um, you're not  allowed to tell us  how much it costs either.

The price? No.  Hmm.

Actually, I really can't  tell you how much it costs,

cos remember when they said  they were going to do that...

They said it's going to be  the same money as a 911  and that's £60,000.

Then it was 65, 70, 75...  like an auction, God's sake.

Oh! Someone put their hand up!

When we came on air  it was £80,000.  It's probably about 87 now.

And there's  a three year waiting list  for that.

By the time... At the end of it you'll be paying half a million dollars.

Ooh, now! Bit of bike news!

There's been talks,  at a high level in government,

of capping the noise from bike exhausts at 74 decibels.

-Good. -That's as bad as loud as a hairdryer.

Good.  It goes even further than

that because what they're  saying is, if you are caught  with a bike louder than that,

the police will be able  to confiscate it.

I'd go further. I'd shoot you  in the middle of your face.

It's just cos you hate bikes.

Just cos you hate bikes.  It isn't.

It's cos I live on a road  in the Cotswolds  and every weekend,

city boys come out on their PQRS, TT's...

(VOCALISING)

To ruin it!

A Japanese four-cylinder bike  being revved to about  11,500rpm sounds glorious.

Yes. Triumph three-cylinder motorcycle engines.

-You don't get that noise  anywhere. Magnificent.  -Growling away.

You told me your bike, whatever it is,

sounds like you belching.

No, I didn't.  You did!

No.  You did!

I said the sound  at low res from the exhaust

is like the sound a burp makes  when it's forming.

I don't want to hear  a forming burp  going past my house

on a Sunday afternoon  with someone dressed  like a Power Ranger!

-I don't want that!  -(AUDIENCE LAUGHS)

I don't.

(AUDIENCE APPLAUDS)  Don't clap him! He's wrong!

I'm so not wrong!

Actually I'm quite glad, that you don't like it.

I am actually quite glad  about  this possible legislation,

because I think the bikes  should be slightly  outside the law.

That's what we ride them to be, little bit rebellious,

because I don't want you to like my bike. I want it to upset you.

Mr Rebel, Mr Easy Rider,  let me ask you  a simple question.

A few years from now...

You've got two daughters. I have.

Some spotty oik turns up  at your house  on a PQRSZ TT, okay?

"I've come to take  your Izzy out!"  What are you going to do?

Ha! Got him!

I'm gonna keep  a big bucket of sand  by the door,

and when I see him  at the door, I'm gonna go...

(VOCALISES)  I'll stick my head in it,

then the problem's gone away.

(AUDIENCE LAUGHS)

You don't have to worry,  any more.

You're gonna let a man  on a bike take your daughter out?

Oh, that's a difficult one.

How about if I turn up in 10 year's time to take your Izzy out?

(AUDIENCE LAUGHS)

Then on the other side  of the door  I'm gonna have a big bat.

Right.

Because, in 10 year's time,  his daughter's gonna be 14

and you're gonna be 75.

In 20 years, I meant.

That's one of the reasons why he'd have to club you with a bat,

probably with a nail in it.

Now, you know I had done  top of the pops the other day?

Oh! Do I know that?

It was the first  time he'd ever done live TV,

and I was there in my living room  with my Sky Plus on

very record

to catch every humiliating  cock up!

And there weren't any.  No, there was none.

(STUTTERS) Because I'm Mr Loc... Late local radio DJ...

(LAUGHS)

Good job is not live.

Oh, I need to it live!

I'm much better live!  Anyways, the thing is, okay,

while I was doing it,  I noticed that one of the acts  in particular

was absolute rubbish, okay?

They were appalling.

And I was thinking,  when they were banging  the garden furniture together.

I would rather listen  to an exhaust pipe than this.

And that gave me an idea,  okay?

Can you use a car engine  as a musical instrument?

Could you, for instance,  re-record

the theme music for Top Gear  using nothing but engines?

Well, you couldn't,  obviously cos you have  no musical talent whatsoever.

I don't, but he does.

He has... Old Captain Slow there has a degree in music.

Actually,  it's absolutely true.

So I decided that I would  take up Jeremy's challenge.

--MAY: This is the famous   Top Gear theme tune,

as played by me on   the Casio Song bank keyboard--.

And it's my job to collect all of these notes onto a recording device

using only car engines   to make the sound.

(ENGINE REVVING)

Now, if you think  this is difficult,  you'd be dead right,

and here's the first problem.

When you run your finger up the piano keyboard,

like little Richard...

You get a succession  of distinct notes.

(ENGINE REVS)

--MAY: That, I'm afraid,   is just a noise.

So what I've got to do  is listen out  for the exact note I want,

hold it...

And in this Honda S2000  that sounds like a D roughly.

It is, at 4,500rpm.

And then, record it.

So, this calls for a very good ear

and absolutely supreme driving skill.

Also, there are quite a lot   of notes   in the Top Gear theme tune,

so we're going to need   quite a lot of cars.

Oh, yes.   We've got thundering V8s,

operatic V6s,

a howling rotary engine,

a booming old vet

and even   a one cylinder dumper truck.

And it's probably   the only time it'll feature   in the same line up as this.

(TYRES SCREECHING)

MAY: Yes! This is the only road test, I can think of

where a single cylinder earth mover

is gonna be as much use

as a 420,000 pound  Italian super car.

(TYRES SQUEALS)

MAY: The Enzo has a lot going   for it in   a game of Top Trumps.

It will do 220 miles per hour.

It has computers that wouldn't embarrass a space ship.

And Michael Schumacher   helped to develop it.

But today, we're only   interested in this...

(BRAKES SCREECHING )

Its six litre V12.

(ENGINE REVS)

Oh!

(OPERA MUSIC PLAYING)

I think somewhere in this V12,

we will find the high D  we need for the tune.

Now, let's just have a go.  Hang on.

(VOCALISING)

(ENGINE REVS)

There it is! There it is!

Placido Domingo, you're nothing!

--MAY: So that's the first   of the notes in the bag.

Now we'll move   to the midrange and sticking   with the Italians,

the rare   and charismatic Alfa SZ.

With its love or hate looks,   the SZ was one of   the most extreme cars

to come out of Italy   in the 90's.

What I remember most, though,

is the thrilling sound   of its three litre engine.

(ENGINE REVS)

Let's take this lovely V6  up to about 3,500 revs  and we get...

(ENGINE REVS)

An F.

--MAY: The day was a smorgasbord of trial and error

as the weirdest musical recording ever devised

slowly took shape.

This is going to work!

(ENGINE REVS)

--MAY: The rotary engine   of the Mazda RX8

delivered the goods   at 9,000 rpm.

C!

--MAY: The new Suzuki Swift   looked good in the flesh.

Its four-cylinder engine   gave us a nice B.

And, as an added bonus...

(LIGHT ALARM BEEPS)

(PLAYING VARIOUS NOTES)

That's an F!

--MAY: Now, viewers under 79,   bear with us,

because, to find some   of the lower notes,

we had no choice   but to trundle down   memory lane.

The 1926 Bugatti 35 Type T

came first, second and third   in the Targa Flori.

And the noise from   its 2.3 litre straight 8

would've shaken the teeth of the shepherds in the Sicilian hills.

I don't want to come over  all Fred Dibnah,

but this is a sound  you just don't hear any more.

--MAY: And, sure enough, it coughed out a low G.

That just left   a B flat to get.

I'm thinking big.

I'm thinking, actually, quite brash.

I'm thinking a sort of Elvis Presley, in his Las Vegas years.

--MAY: The 1966   Corvette Stingray

may have been built   in Kentucky.

But the engine a big block V8

that's a different matter.

It may be a simple old nut,  but it was made in Detroit.

Motown...  They know a thing or two  about music.

(ENGINE REVS)

Just listen to that.

An A...   straight out of the pipes.

--MAY: With all the notes down   on tape,

my next job was to find   a recording studio,

and some boffins who could shape the engine noises

into the Top Gear tune.

Nearest me is Don Beacon.

He's a composer.  And to his right is Guy Pratt,

who, amongst other things, plays bass for Pink Floyd whilst they're arguing.

MAY: The first thing the chaps did was to match all of the engine notes

to a computerised keyboard.

There it is.

Yeah, about there.

But then, they wanted   to fiddle with any notes   that weren't pitch perfect.

Just treat it like you would  treat the vocals of just about  every major pop star,

which is that you have  to go in and get it closer  to the real note.

-So what are you saying pop stars can't sing? -No!

No?

No. I'd never dream of it.

--MAY: That's all very well. But my engine notes

weren't the squawkings   of some Pop Idol rejects.

So I insisted they keep the sound as pure as possible.

(REVVING)

The bend's gone.  Yes.

--MAY: Eventually, the engines   won over the musicians.

That's very close.

Well, let's go with that.

These cars actually produce  better notes than a lot  of people in the charts today.

And by the end of the day, we had something.

All I had to do now was pay them their exorbitant fee.

-Couple of old remainder  Clarkson videos.  -Oh, fantastic!

I have been looking  for these everywhere.

I have peeled of  the reduced 99p stickers.

Um, and, eh,  a ticket to the show. Cheers.

Well, fantastic.  Just one?

(AUDIENCE CHEERING)

CLARKSON: Well done.  Well done.

Now, just, um...

Let me just clear something up, if I may.

-You were  genuinely recording notes...  -Yes...

I mean, Bs, Ds and Es,  from engines?

Absolutely, there was  no trickery involved.

That was musical notes played on cars.

-And you've got the finished product there? -I have.

Gotta get Hamster. Hamster you gotta come?

Come and listen.  This is the big moment.  I'm not missing this.

Okay. James.

Okay. You ready.  Play.

(THEME TUNE PLAYS)

(ALL LAUGHING)

(ENGINE REVVING)

What was that?

That was...

What was that?  I have to admit...

I have to admit, okay?  I did actually  hear that yesterday.

And I think It's got worse  in the night!

What's that fart in the middle?

That's a bit of Bugatti,  but it was running  a bit flat then.

You know those guys in the  recording studio were saying

you know you could put it in a computer... (VOCALISES)

You put it in  a computer it goes...  (VOCALISES)

If you'd done that,  we could've got it  in the charts...

He could've introduced it  on top of the pops!

-We could have  been millionaires.  -Exactly.

That would've made me  no better  than Simon Cowell.

-What? Being rich? -He's got two Rolls-Royces, man.

No that.

No, what Simon Cowell does  is he takes this fat  talentless shop assistant

and makes her sound like Barbra Streisand.

But what you've done  is taken a car  and made it sound

like a fat talentless shop assistant farting!

Exactly! It's awful!

You said make the tune  with exhaust notes.

That's what I did.  I'm a purist.

It was terrible!

I'm sorry. I would like  to apologise to Duane Allman,  who wrote that song.

I know you're dead, Duane,  but we're really sorry.  He did it, okay?

Now we've gotta move on,

cos it's time to put a star  in your reasonably priced car.

My guest this week, I always thought, was a Brummie.

And I'm delighted to find out  that, actually, he isn't!

Ladies and gentlemen, Timothy Spall!

(AUDIENCE CHEERING)

Welcome! Hello.

It's an honour!

Cheers. Have a seat!

Now, um, I'm not alone, am I?

I'm not alone in thinking that you are a Brummie.

I'm sure everybody thought

because of auf Wiedersehen pet, that you are a Birmingham person.

Well, I suppose so.  People used to say, "What part  are you from?"

I'd say, I'm from  the south of Birmingham...  in Battersea,

which is quite,

quite a long way away.

It is.

Cos, of course, you are...  I mean, we all know you,  obviously.

We all know you as Barry  from Auf Weidersehen.

But I was looking at what  you've done over the years!

-Yeah, I've...  -Endless,  endless amount of films,

right up to Harry Potter.

With the ears and teeth.

I think I probably win  the prize of  the ugliest character in the,

I don't know. Michael Gambon's in it.

He's not a pretty man. He's gorgeous.

Well,  I wouldn't sleep with him.

-Wouldn't you? -No, I've weighed it up many times,

but I've decided no.

He told me you had.

(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)

God. He's always doing that!

Fibber.

And then, most recently,  there's been

a couple of films,  I don't know with Tom Cruise.

Yeah, me and...

You're like that?  Yeah, I've done...

I did The Last Samurai

and I did a film before that,

which nobody understood,  called Vanilla Sky.

No, I loved Vanilla Sky.

Did you?

Great film. Yeah.  I loved that.

You must get on okay,  if you did two films with him.

He's a lovely guy. Is he?

He's a really nice guy. Yeah.

He's more into aeroplanes  than cars.

He's got  an American fighter plane

from the Second World War.

That's what he gets his kicks from.

Well, it's easy for Tom Cruise  to have fighter planes.

-Most of us have to  make do with cars. -Yeah. Yeah.

That's the way it works.  Now, um...

The one thing I'm always  baffled by when guys like you  come on the show

and Gambon and Patrick Stewart  for that matter,

and other actors whom we've had.

All those other mincers.

All those other amazing actors  we've had over the years.

You always assumes thesps

aren't gonna be interested  in cars.

But you are, aren't you?

Yeah, well... Do you assume they get

get into their carriages  in their velvet cloaks  and fedoras?

I can see them sitting  sort of,

whole Daniel Day  Lewis thing...

Bring the phaeton around.

Exactly!

But you're just another one  that does like your cars.

I love them. Yeah, I suppose,  I mean, cars are...

They are all  different characters

and they say  something to you.

It's not a technical thing  for you. Is it?

It's not like Gambon,  he really likes how they work

and sits and fiddles and

makes things work.

I don't know how they work.

When I had my first car,  which was a Vauxhall Viva,  my wife and I...

She said... She gave me a can  and said,

"Put that in the car."  It was a tin of anti-freeze.

She meant put it in the boot.

I took the cap off the engine  and poured it inside  the engine.

(AUDIENCE LAUGHS)

Poured it in and put  it back on.

So that blew  the Viva to pieces?

No, it survived!

It was another one  of my cars.  All the cars I hate

survive.  and all the cars I love die.  I don't know why.

So you're a proper man  who doesn't read instructions.

No, I can't. No, no.

It took me 11 hours to put up  Barbie's Horse Box.

No, I don't know. I'm scared.

I mean I don't know,  anything  about mechanical things.

I'm genuinely interested,  cos I've looked back

at the cars you've had over the years,

and it seems to alternate  between really truly,  terrible cars...

-The Nissan Prairie  has popped into my head.  -Yes. Yes.

And then, almost immediately,

something really cool...

-Rover Coupe, whatever, old Jags. -Yeah.

What goes on?  Why do you do that?

Well, I think I have outbursts

of uncharacteristic  sensibleness.

And I'm in denial that  I have serious car fever.

Because if  I've got something boring,  I get like a fever,

I get like a disease,  a compulsion

to go out and buy something  that I really fancy, you know.

So, what have you had  that's good?

Never forget the Prairies  and Cavaliers and so on...

Well, I had a 1962 S type Jag,  which was very nice.

Spoke wheels and everything.

You replaced that with a...

I think with a...  with a, Volvo 240.

(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)

You see? It's like...

(VOCALISING)

Ooh... No, I don't like this.

Also, it's...

It's fiscally conditioned.

Sometimes, you have  a good year,  sometimes you have a bad

I know. That's true.

But aren't people surprised when they see you in really rubbish cars?

Yeah, I was sitting not far  from my house, outside a shop.

And a bloke stopped  in the corner  and said, "Oi, Tim!"

I said, "Yes?" And he said,

"You can do better than that,  can't you?"

And that was a what?  Nissan...

I think it was  a Nissan Poopy or something.

They all are. They all are.

Now, you and Jimmy Nail,  obviously from  Auf Weidersehen.

-Yeah.  -Didn't you talk about  a classic car dealership?

-At one point.  -We talked about it but we  weren't gonna sell them.

We were gonna have about ten,  sit in there

and admire them and then  take a different ride in one  home every night.

-That was bad business then  really good job...  -I think it would have been...

Yes. We wouldn't have  done much business.

I'd like to see someone  complain that Jimmy Nail left  the car and it went wrong.

He wouldn't have been  complaining for long.  No, he wasn't, uh...

He can get people  to clear off with a look.

(AUDIENCE LAUGHS)

And of course now  you're here.

Here I am. For my sins.

How did it go on the track?

Well, I don't know. I...

After I got past the sort of  brown factor of this...

-Did I see the Stig taking  you out in a Monaro earlier?  -Yes, that was very brown.

(AUDIENCE LAUGHS)

Did it go...  At any point, was it going?

Yes. It seemed to be going  sideways at 150mph.  I didn't know. How can you...

How can you be going  this fast not being  in the air? I don't know.

It's... I was thinking that that car,

they should fit windscreen  wipers on the side windows.

Is it just always...

And on the seats!

(AUDIENCE LAUGHS)

-Oh! It's a great car.  -I know that.  It's a great car.

So then it was Liana  and you were okay?

Yes. As I say, I was very  determined. It's funny because  I didn't think I'd be...

I wanted to take it serious.  I was really determined  to get it right.

I felt a bit flash but then I thought I've seen other people in it,

they look like tossers so,  I thought

I'd probably look like king of  the wallyburger myself so...

Well, shall we have a look? AUDIENCE: Yes.

-Let's have a look at the old  lap see what you look like.  -(TYRES SQUEALING)

JEREMY:  Here it is. Smoking start.

(AUDIENCE LAUGHS)

JEREMY: Slightly close to  your gear change there.  TIMOTHY: Oh yeah.

JEREMY: It's okay, though,  you didn't break it,  it's still working.

TIMOTHY: Making a funny noise  though, at one point.

JEREMY: No, that's its normal noise. TIMOTHY: Is it?

-JEREMY: That's the sound of  a 106-brake horsepower.  -(TIMOTHY LAUGHS)

That's nice and tidy,  nothing wrong with that.

-Brake. -Brake, yes, you do have to for Chicago.

(BRAKES SCREECHING)  JEREMY: Clipped that  perfectly.

TIMOTHY: I do look like a Wally.

-You don't, this is good.  Yeah.  -Is it?

Hammer head.

We learnt last week with  Mark Webber to go wide here

which is what you have done.  TIMOTHY: All right.

Come on! Come on.

JEREMY: Settling down...

TIMOTHY: It looks ill.

-TIMOTHY: That was nice.  -That was flat but good.  (AUDIENCE LAUGHS)

Quick through there, yeah.

Nice little drift,  missed the grass.

Last corner, it's too wide!

He's gone wrong, oh no! Oh no!  (AUDIENCE LAUGHING)

-And across the line!  -(APPLAUSE)

(AUDIENCE CHEERS AND WHISTLES)

JEREMY: Ah, well.

So there you go.

There's your predecessors. Where do you reckon you are  in that lot?

I really don't know.

-Down near the bottom  somewhere.  -No, no, no.

You did better than that.  In fact I reckon, If you  hadn't had

that last corner problem  you'd have done very well.

You actually did it  in one minute 51.1 seconds.

And that is right the way...

(APPLAUSE AND WHISTLING)

That means you are as quick as  Ranulph Fiennes.

Ah.  The explorer.

-I bet he's quicker across  the North Pole than me.  -Yeah.

I'm looking to see  if you're quicker than Gambon.

-Have you done the next Harry Potter film together? -Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Where did he come? Oh! Ho ho ho ho! Next time you see him,

-just four seconds, mate.  Four seconds.  -Yeah!

Ladies and gentlemen, it's  been a huge pleasure, having  you here. Timothy Spall!

(APPLAUSE AND WHISTLING)

Right. Now, over the course of  this series, we've been  engaged on a quest to find

the greatest driving song  of all time. And,

over two million of you  have been voting for this,  our final shortlist of five.

Tonight, we have the results,  which we'll announce  in reverse order.

Right, in fifth place is the  head-banger's favourite,  Deep Purple, Highway Star.

In fourth place, the biker's  anthem, Steppenwolf,  Born To Be Wild.

In third place,

-mercifully, some nonsense  from Meat Loaf.  -(AUDIENCE CHEERS)

-Which means? -Which means, it's down to the wire.

Between Golden Earring and Radar Love, and Queen and Don't Stop Me Now.

And the winner.  What did you say?

AUDIENCE: Queen.

The winner as voted by you,

the greatest driving song  of all time,

-is Queen! -(ALL CHEERING)

JEREMY: It's Queen.

You were right.

Absolutely fabulous.  Now, of course, we did  have an award made.

-But then we ran into  a bit of a problem.  -We did, because you see

Brian May, the guitarist  says he doesn't like that song  so we couldn't give it to him.

Freddie Mercury's  sort of dead.

We couldn't remember the other bloke's name so couldn't go to him.

That just left the drummer who in accordance with EU rock star regulations,

was floating around  the Med on his yacht.

In a moment, we're going to present Roger Taylor

with this  Greatest Driving Song trophy,

which we've purchased for the princely sum of 699 pence.

The only slight problem is,

the local engraver is a bit rubbish frankly,

and he's left the "don't"  out of "Don't Stop Me Now."

For crying out loud.

Roger Taylor.  Yeah?

On behalf of Top Gear, I'd like to present you  with this

Greatest Driving Song  In The World Ever award.

It's to you and the other  members of Queen for uh, Stop Me Now.

I'm sorry it's such a  poor quality trophy.

No, no, no. Don't say that. Actually do.

We'll treasure this forever and it will go into our enormous gong cupboard,

and thank you on behalf of the band.

Thank you so much.  And thank you to your viewers.

(APPLAUSE)

I should explain those girls  on the boat were his daughters

-so don't get the wrong idea  there, please.  -(AUDIENCE LAUGHS)

Now, I've got a question.  Okay?

What is the best-selling car  in the whole world?  Any thoughts?

You?

MAN: Honda Jazz.

Honda Jazz?

Honda Jazz.  What do you reckon?

Ford Mondeo.  Ford Mondeo's not even close,  not even close.

What? Toyota Corolla.

Toyota Corolla,

is the best-selling car over  a period of 50 years.

I'm talking about the best  selling car right now.  Any thoughts?

Golf?

Golf? Golf?

Actually, you what?

Chevrolet Matiz.

The Chevrolet Matiz?

No?

There aren't that many  lunatics in the world to be  able to sell enough of those.

It's actually a Daewoo Matiz,  Do try to concentrate.

It's a Chevrolet Matiz.

It's not a Chevrolet.

Just because they've tossed the word Daewoo out

and written Chevrolet on the back doesn't make it What's your name?

-Gary. -Gary I'm going to call you Jeremy from now on.

Is that your name?

No, it isn't.

Actually, it is a trick question there.

Because, the best-selling car  in the world,  isn't really a car.

Yep, it's this, the Ford F150.

As you can see, it's not a car at all.

What it is,  is a business phenomenon.

There are more F-series Ford  pick-up trucks in the world  than there are Australians.

They sell nearly a  million of these every year.

That's 107 an hour.

It's not like the old  Volkswagen Beetle  or Toyota Corolla.

It's not sold all over  the world.

They sell 107  an hour only in north America.

That means somebody's buying  one now and now  and now and now,

24 hours a day,  seven days a week,  365 days a year.

And here's the thing,

we buy American fried chicken,  we buy their fizzy beverages,

we buy their TV shows  and their music. We even buy  into their wars.

But we don't buy  their pick-up trucks.

Why is that?

Well, it's not cheap. £33,000.

But for that, you do get  a right-hand drive conversion,

cruise control,  air conditioning,

keyless entry, a CD player  and something called

"preferred suede trim".

It's the pioneering  wild west spirit with  a pioneer stereo.

And then there's the engine.

This lightning model has  the same supercharged 5.4 V8  that you get in the Ford GT.

That means,  380 brake horsepower,

and that means  naught to 60 in 5.8 seconds.

This thing, this leviathan, this American god

will outrun a Porsche Boxster!

Ho ho ho!  It sounds like a jet engine.

And it feels like it's being fuelled by

George Thorogood  and every single one  of his Destroyers.

("BAD TO THE BONE"--PLAYING)

So I ask again,  why don't we buy it?

Well, most people who go for  walk in the American  countryside

are eaten by a bear.

So they need a car  with a gun rack.

(BELL RINGS)  Top of the morning!

But most people who go  for a walk in the English  countryside,

aren't eaten by a bear.

So they don't.

In America, everyone dreams of being a frontiersman

out in the open  in a covered wagon.

Whereas we don't really have that dream.

You see, right now, I'm driving through  a tiny village,

very rural, miles from  any big city.

If this were America,  it'd be full of people doing

whatever it is they do.

Incest mostly.

But this is different.

You see, within a spit  of where I am now, you've got

Madonna, Guy Ritchie, Hugh Grant, Liz Hurley,

Kate Moss, Kate Winslet,  Gwyneth Paltrow,  Anne Robinson,

Rory Kinnear and me.

We want the fields,

but we don't want to be too  far from a skinny latte with  a dash of extra espresso.

Only in America when you want  some logs for the fire,

you load your truck up with chainsaws and head off to the forest.

What we do is go to the shops.

JEREMY: Traditional breads. Yeast-free wholewheats.

Unbleached white sourdough, 100% Rye Bread, not blended  with wheat, Soda Bread.

I really want ciabatta...  (MUTTERING)

Carrot and parsley bread,

poppy seed bread...

Look at the choice of  things I have here.

Oh, that's handy.  We're lounging by the pool.

You could hang that  on your front door for visitors.

Some foie gras, thanks.

-You've got no  flying fish wasabi. Yeah?  -Sold out.

Liz Hurley's been in, has she?

(SHOP BELL RINGS)

Okay, I've got my groceries,

I've got my scented logs,  actually

and I'm particularly pleased  with um,

these, you want to  guess what they are?

-You wanna guess  what they are?  -Um, they look like acorns.

£11 this bag costs, look,  11 quid.

Uh, candles? No idea then.

No.

Firelighters, so you don't  get the smell of paraffin  on your fingers.

Do they work?

No idea. No idea.

But the point is that I have  everything here that I need,

to exist  in the British countryside.

To be honest, it doesn't  really fill a pickup truck.

There are some other things too like the truck is rather thirsty,

and quite large for our roads.

And you can't take it off-road  and into our countryside  partly because

Mr Blair would rather  you didn't,

partly because it doesn't have  four-wheel drive,

and partly because  you might scratch the paint.

There are several small  reasons why we don't need  a pick-up truck like this.

Then there's the main one.  It's rubbish.

The worst car I ever drove  was a Russian Jeep  in Saigon in Vietnam,

and the critical world  in that sentence is "was."

This is actually made using technology that would be instantly familiar

to any 19th century tunnelling contractor.

It has a ladder-chassis for instance, which is made from old shovels.

The brake discs meanwhile  are the size of  milk bottle tops.

Then there's the interior.

We'll start with the simple stuff. Look at this dashboard.

Nothing fits. Nothing matches.

There are huge gaps  everywhere.

And, because it's classified as a truck,

it doesn't have to pass the safety tests, that a car has to pass.

I mean when you've got  380 brake horsepower,

it's nice to feel that  the steering wheel is actually  connected to the front wheel

but look! Look at that!

How can it be this bad?

♪ And did those feet in ♪

This pick-up then does not  work in Britain because  we're just too sophisticated.

I'd like to think that  we've gone beyond  this barn door engineering.

That in our world of espresso coffee

and zinc-top kitchen surfaces,

the pick-up truck is some...  Hang on a minute!

He's nicked my firelighters!  Oh!

(APPLAUSE) Oh dear.

That is the biggest problem  with this car. It really is.

-That is its biggest problem.  -All your stuff's  gonna get nicked out the back.

The other one of course  is you know those...

Those late-night Channel 5  police-crash things?

Someone always in  a pickup truck,  they always roll it over.

And now I know why.  The driver has  no control!

Well, yeah. It's because  there's absolutely no weight  over the rear wheels,

and that's where  all the power is at.

Basically, it gives you  a pretty good idea of what  it'd be like in a barrel

-rolling down a hill.  -I know, I know.  And look at the roof!

-Oh, you can't.  -(AUDIENCE LAUGHS)

(SARCASTIC LAUGH) There's one other issue as well.

To understand that,  we have to go  to the Cool Wall!

(CHEERING AND APPLAUSE)

Over we go!

Here it is.

Here it is, without  a question, or shadow  of doubt,

it goes there in "uncool"  and that's an end of it.

This is the Mercedes A-Class,  the new one, which is  a very good car.

Good car? No it's awful.

No it's not awful. It's very good. Don't argue with that.

Is it cool or not?

Not at all.

Not cool? Not cool?

No.

No? Why not?

It's a Mercedes.

No, you see,  that is a Mercedes, right?

That we're coming to  in a minute. That is cool.  That's a CLS. Is that cool?

Big Mercedes are cool.

-What?  -I'll roll some sense  into you!

The problem with this is.

And there is a problem.

There is a big problem.  Is that one day, you're be  at a party,

talking to someone  with an SL65.

They are going to go, "I've got a Mercedes" and you'll have to say...

-Yeah, I've got one too.  -"Good, I can use yours  as a chalk for mine!"

Use it.  Very cool, sir...

Which brings us on to this.

This is a cool car.

Big Mercedes are cool.  Small ones aren't.

Ah, so now he's starting  to put a size thing.

I mean, I know bigger things  are cooler than smaller things  that is for sure.

(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)

We really do like this.  Yes.

What we really like is  when it's black,

and its got the Brabus  big wheels on it.

-And I saw one the other day  with Danish numberplates...  -Eh?

It was really cool. Oh yeah.

Danish numberplates?

-Danish is cool.  -Danish plates are cool.  Why is that?

Nobody wants an opinion  on that so we can shove it  there without any argument.

Now, Porsche Boxster.  What do we think of that?

Very cool.

Very cool? How wrong you are!

What do you think? Why is it cool?

-Because, I think I'd look good in it. Yeah. -You'd look good in it?

You'd look ridiculous in it,  I'm sorry to say.

No, the real problem with this  is simple.

It's an uncool car, that's a given.

-This week, it became,  really seriously uncool.  -Yeah.

(RICHARD SIGHS)

-James Mays just ordered one.  So it goes down here.  -Sorry.

Three cars, the ones we drove  in Iceland.

The cabriolets. These we  established are all ones  that have been converted

to make into cabriolets from coupes.

-Audi TT. Okay, that's  for stockbrokers.  -It is.

Chrysler Crossfire that...

What did you say?

Sub-zero! Sub-zero...

What?

Do you know what?  I think he's right, actually.  The Chrysler's...

-Fiona Bruce would like.  -Oh! Get off.  Look at it.

It's got old bits sticking  all over it. It looks like  a pantomime dame of a car.

I'm allowed. Just because your  doctor said!

-It's cool. Now, this on the other hand, -This...

Where's your Audi TT gone?

That's there.

Because that is  for stockbrokers, right?  And your this one,

that's for yobs.  I can't. I can't...

Has anyone got one of these  Datsuns with a Renault engine?

WOMAN: I've got a TT.

Ooh!

Where's the TT driver? Where are you?

You like it? It's fantastic.

-Why do you like it?  -It goes well, it's got good  road holding.

No, no. Is it cool though.

It is exceedingly cool.

-Sadly, you should've bought  a Crossfire.  -No.

Yes.  No.

Yes, yes, yes. I've  got the microphone,  I've got the microphone now.

You feel free to chat away  to yourself. That is now  seriously uncool down there.

Do you know, I know we're  tight for time.

I can't go home tonight  and leave that there.  I won't be able to sleep.

It's not right.

(CLAPPING)  You can't! I mean, you can't  surely. This is...

(CHEERING)

I'll give you that  if you'll give me this  as uncool.

-I love it, but I'll give you  it as uncool.  -Thank you very much!

So that's that.  Trade-off.

(AUDIENCE LAUGHS)

-What've you got next? Nothing  -What are you looking  like that for?

What've you got next?

I've got the BMW...

I've got the BMW 3 series.

Looks like a Nissan!

Looks like a Nissan!

-It doesn't look like a Nissan.

-It looks like 15 feet  of car.  -It is. It's just some car.

Some car? I'm sorry.  Do you know what?

First time ever...

Can't be bothered.

Can't be bothered

to put it on the board.

(APPLAUSE)

It's... It's just some car.

It is "mild cheddar".

It's a lump of car.

That's what it is.

It's the holiday season.  Thousands of people go  to Spain to relax.

Well, I went there, for a different reason.

The Spanish love  a good festival.

And the most famous of all, is the Bull Run at Pamplona.

Every year, people come from all over the world

to run through these streets,  while being chased  by angry bulls.

Unsurprisingly, it's not safe.

Last year, 16 runners  were gored by bulls' horns.

The year before, someone actually died.

Only idiots take part.

So here I am. They dress you  in white, give you  a neckerchief, but it's okay,

I feel safe, because.  I've got a newspaper.

In truth, I won't be using  my newspaper to batter  rampaging boy-cows.

Inside, it's got a secret  camera so you can catch  the action from ground level.

At 8 o'clock sharp, 20 tonnes of very rare meat is unleashed.

The bulls are on the road.  I need to start moving.  The panic is starting...

God, I can feel  the ground moving.

Oh, my God...  This is terrifying?

People are just tearing to get away.

Christ, they're there.  Look! Look!

It's amazing!  People on the floor.

This may look pointless, but there is reason behind it.

On the Bull Run,   your adrenaline   levels double...

Your heart rate triples.   The excitement   and danger release

a torrent of chemicals   that give you a massive,   primeval high.

Jesus!

That was close!

I think that's it.

It's the caveman running   from the sabre-toothed tiger.

And once human beings   get that fix,

they'll go looking for it   again.

(ENGINES REVS)

(BUZZING)

If there's any machine  capable of doing the job,  it should be this.

The Lamborghini  Murcielago Roadster.

Now, there are several  good reasons for bringing  this car to test.

At the Pamplona Bull Run.

Firstly, there's the excitement.

Then, obviously, there's the Lamborghini badge,

which is a bull.

And then there's the name of the car, Murcielago, that's a Spanish word.

And it actually means "bat".

Obviously.

Now, just like running  from an angry hunk  of sirloin steak,

there's plenty about this car  to keep your pulse  in treble figures.

Firstly, there's the way  this thing looks at speed on the road.

I mean, look at it.

You see, the roadster is 7cms  lower then the hard-top.

And that wasn't exactly  a Range Rover to start with.

So now, it looks like a missile.

And then there's the price.

£190,000.

Obviously there's also  the speed.

By using engineering  witchcraft,

the Roadster comes out  at the same weight  as the hard-top.

So it's not slow.

Naught to 60 in 3.8 seconds.

A top speed of 205mph.

That'd be great in some lightweight, track-day Porsche thing.

But in this,

which is as wide as  a suspension bridge  and weighs nearly two tonnes.

It's unbelievable!

If that sort of speed  scares you,

there's one sure-fire way of slowing things down.

There is an emergency roof  to be used

in case of sudden downpour.

The only problem with that is,  sudden downpours tend to be,  quite, well, sudden.

This goes in... Here.

It doesn't...  No.

After five minutes, all I'd succeeded in doing was attracting a crowd.

So I recruited some help in my textbook Spanish.

Have you ever put the roof,  on a Lamborghini or Roadster?

Right, this is the roof itself.

Uh, yes! Can somebody...  Can you go on the other side?

There. I give that to you...

I think we need to go down  and up...

No, we can't do that.

May I help you?

-Yes Have you got  one of these?  -No.

That's not working at all  for me.

If you've got Naomi Campbell  in the passenger seat which is  entirely possible

it's pouring down with rain and you're 20 minutes!

Okay, let's just call  that done.

580 it is. And, as you can see, it now has the roof on.

-There it is, 200 grand.  -MAN: I think the only problem  is the roof.

The roof, then, is a classic  Italian-supercar-afterthought.

It's rubbish.

Fortunately, the Murcielago  redeems itself with details  which are quite exquisite.

Look at those wheels.  They're a unique design  for the Roadster.

Even the carbon-fibre lattice work across the engine-bay

is a work of art.

As a whole,  this car is a thing of beauty.

But let's not forget  what the Lambo is about.

It's a bull run.

(CAR WHIRRING)

This...

Is just so exciting!

Every sense is tingling!

I haven't felt this alive  since this morning,  when I was chased by a bull.

But it's an unusual  kind of day.

The acceleration  is shattering.  It comes from no revs at all.

If I change from third  to fourth at speed,

the traction control has to step in.

It still want to spin  all four wheels!

What's so great about  the Murcielago Roadster is  that it delivers

all these thrills, without  the spills.

By now, I should be  talking to you from up a tree.

Or via a seance.  Lamborghinis of old  were terrifying.

This car, with its four-wheel  drive and traction control,

feels like it's been  built in a lab,  rather than a shed.

The amount of grip is simply  mind-boggling.

Corners just rush up one after another, and you tear round them,

and then the next one's on you.

And it just eats them up!

It just demands more and more  and more.

What I love about this car  is that it sounds and feels  and looks brutal and scary,

but in truth, it won't eat you alive.

It's like being back on the Bull Run.

Only they've got corks on their horns.

Engineers today spend a lot of time trying to separate us

from the noise and mechanics  of what's actually going on.

Not so this time.  This still presses all  the right caveman buttons.

This is still a Lambo.

It's what you might call  a rare breed.

(CLAPPING)

It was awesome.

Now, then...

That Lambo, or  the Pagani Zonda?

Oh, that's a question I hope I  never had to answer for real.

It would be the Lam,  the Lambog... The Pag...  The Lampagani...

Oh, come on, you know it'd be the Zonda.

-Yeah, well... Yeah...  -It's twice the price  but it just would.

Actually, there's one bit of  that film I wanna see again.

It's you in the cow run.  Okay? In slow motion...

Here's Hammond. See the big bloke coming up behind him, grabs him,

and pulls him  into the path of a cow's horn!

I would quite like to meet him  again. To be honest.

We've got a close-up of his face, which I'd like to show to you now.

There he is. If you're watching the show tonight, do please get in touch,

because I'd like to give you  some money.

(AUDIENCE LAUGHS)

And on that bull sell,  it's time to end.

And that means, of course,  we can be played out on my exhaust-notes theme tune.

No, it's horrible!

(AUDIENCE CHEERS)

On the basis it's the  end of the series

and we won't be around  to answer the complaints,

I suppose we could do that.

I hope you've enjoyed  watching the series as much as  we've enjoyed making it.

See you in the autumn.  Thanks very much. Good night!