Top Gear (2002–…): Season 6, Episode 8 - Episode #6.8 - full transcript
Jeremy reviews the Ferrari F430. The trio take some convertibles, Jeremy an Audi TT, Richard a Nissan 350Z and James a Chrysler Crossfire, to Iceland to put them through a series of ...
CLARKSON: Tonight, James tries his hand at being Beethoven.
Richard wrestles a rampaging bull.
And I develop a sudden urge to marry my cousin.
Hello, and welcome to the show!
Now, last week we had a diesel on our track
and this week we've got something even more preposterous out there...
--HAMMOND: This is the Vauxhall Monaro
and if it seems familiar,
that's because we tested this car last year
on Pendine Sands in Wales.
We loved its big, honest simplicity,
its V8 power and it's amazing value for money.
But, most of all, we loved the ease with which it could do
huge power slides.
In short, it completely won our hearts.
But now there's a new one.
And, at first, it seems nothing has changed.
Inside you still get lashings of leather,
a CD player, air con, electric seats
and all the usual luxuries.
But outside, you'll notice a difference.
It's grown a pair of nostrils
and it's called VXR.
So, we've brought it to the track because, frankly,
we think this Monaro, should be kept in a controlled environment.
You see, underneath that Kenneth Williams bonnet
it's got more engine and that means more power.
It's now six litres instead of five point seven,
400 brake horse power.
Naught to 60? Five point two seconds.
Top speed? 180 miles an hour.
And all for £37,000.
HAMMOND: That makes it the fastest Vauxhall since the mentalist
Lotus Carlton of the '90s.
But before we let off the party poppers,
just hold on a minute.
You see, Vauxhall have fiddled with the suspension
and moved the position of the fuel tank,
which leaves us with a question.
Does the Monaro still have what made it a great car?
Does it still handle like a dream?
In other words,
is this still the car we fell in love with at Pendine?
--HAMMOND: Well, to find out, we've drafted in some help
from our special friends in Japan.
These are the D1 Drifters,
the worlds greatest power sliders.
They're heavy smokers,
and they make a car going round a corner into an art form.
And whereas we can slide a car for five seconds
and then run to Mummy,
these gentlemen can do it all day long.
Naturally, the type of car they use is very important
and it really is a case of old dogs new tricks.
This Mazda RX-7
and this Nissan 200 SX
may be eligible for bus passes
but drifters love them for their rear wheel drive agility.
The engines do need extra oomph though,
so they're chipped and nitroused up to 500 brake horse power.
So, with that kind of machine as a company car,
-what will the drifters think of my Vauxhall? -(TYRES SCREECHING)
This is Mr Kazama. Yes.
He's one of their top guys at doing this.
And he's going to give me some hints,
to make sure I get the best out of the Monaro
and find out what it can really do.
Unfortunately, he doesn't really speak any English.
(MR KAZAMA LAUGHS)
So, we'll do the best we can. Right.
--HAMMOND: With expert use of his Marigolds,
he set about teaching me the art of drifting.
Before. Before? Before the corner?
Turn before the corner? Turn before the corner.
Oh! Oh, oh, oh!
HAMMOND: Oh, that didn't work for me. Let's try that again.
No. More turn? No.
No. Less turn?
No, little. A little turn!
Too much, maybe? Hmm.
Here we go. We're in third.
Down to second. Little turn, more power.
--HAMMOND: But then it started to come together.
MR KAZAMA: Oh! Oh!
Thank you for your advice.
You have turned me into a hero.
Oh! Oh! Oh!
Oh! Oh! Oh!
--HAMMOND: It was a sure sign that the VXR had lost none
of the original Monaro's handling abilities.
Lets have you do it. Okay.
Your turn. (MR KAZAMA LAUGHS)
--HAMMOND: And if that made me look good,
you can guess what it did in the hands of Mr Kazama.
HAMMOND: This is good. Right!
Oh! Still sideways, side, still sideways.
Considering that was the first time he's ever been in... In the car.
What do you think? Okay.
Good car? Good car.
Good car? Good car!
It's making noises.
Things are broken. Oh!
HAMMOND: I think we can safely say that even with me at the wheel,
the Monaro is still a brilliant car for drifting.
With a guy like this, it's truly great.
--HAMMOND: Job done. So, now we've got a choice.
You can watch me have another go,
or we can let the Drifters show off a bit more.
You were dwarfed! He was this high!
I know! A very tall race, the Japanese.
CLARKSON: Did you see that?
That Japanese bloke was eight feet taller than he was.
Like land of the giants.
A tall race, the Japanese, as it turns out.
Anyway, you know my back is broken?
No, cos you haven't mentioned it ever on the television, the radio,
or in the newspaper every half hour.
I may have let it slip out once. Anyway,
it was a Monaro that broke it.
Who'd like to see what I was doing the day before my spine went ping?
Let's have a look.
CLARKSON: Power slide, power slide, power slide, power slide.
Look at those the longest one ever did!
And then my spine shattered. Yeah.
It happens, but, you've got to admit,
this thing is just born to go sideways.
Mmm! Still love it!
Oh, that's nasty! I love it.
Still it's now time to find out,
what it's like round our track,
when it is sort of not going sideways.
Yeah. Now, that means handing it over to our team racing driver.
Some say that he's terrified of ducks
and that there's an airport in Russia named after him.
All we know is he's called The Stig.
--HAMMOND: Okay. Away he goes. Loads of wheel spins there--.
The car's traction control is pretty simple at best of times.
Today we've simply turned it off.
so there could be some serious sideways action,
as a result.
No sign of it at the first corner though.
Pretty much under control so far.
(GENESIS PLAYING ON THE STEREO)
Oh, dear, Stig's listening to Genesis there.
God, I wish Jeremy'd stop lending him CD's.
Into Chicago, still no hint of drift.
Plainly the Stig is not Japanese,
even though I'm told he does appears on their banknotes.
Hard on the brakes into Hammerhead now.
Quite a lot of roll there.
But the tail not stepping out as you might expect.
This shows this car can be properly quick when you stop mucking about.
(GENESIS PLAYING ON THE STEREO)
Oh, dear. Up towards follow through now.
And let's see...
The Stig's feathering the throttle slightly on the way in
(CHUCKLES) Really fast through the tyres. Just two corners to go now.
It's still very neat.
Where's all the over stee--r and slidey stuff?
Ooh! It's there, into Gambon and across the line.
Before I tell you,
-give him is due. -CLARKSON: Stig?
Keeping that thing on the straight and narrow.
That was some driving.
Trust me, to try and stop it going sideways.
That was an achievement. Nevertheless, the time is...
That's not bad. So that's about there.
HAMMOND: The same as the Impreza. Hey, that's pretty good.
You've got to say, obviously, there are faster ways of getting from A to B
but there are very few ways of having as much fun in the process.
Nothing else as sideways as that.
In fact, I have an idea. Tell you what, why not put it like that?
And now the news. And the big news this week is from Vauxhall,
where it's just been announced that the Monaro has been dropped.
They are saying... What?
I've just been driving it, mate.
I got the Japanese guys over and they've dropped it?
Yeah, sorry. I meant to tell it, but you wasted your time.
So, that was all a complete waste of time, what he was doing?
That's not embarrassing then.
Have they got anything left that we can buy?
Officially, they say,
they've got enough left to last into the middle of next year...
And 5.7's as well?
Including the original 5.7 which we loved.
That's a fabulous car. Fabulous.
And you know they recently reduced the price of the 5.7 to below £30,000?
V8 muscle car for under £30,000.
Which is phenomenal. Yes. It really is.
Definite case of buy now, while stocks last.
So you made a mistake there.
-You've just gone and reviewed the wrong car. -Thank you.
Anyway, listen, there's a new Honda Civic coming out very soon
and, um, I've got details of it over here from Honda.
They say, "For the first time,
"Honda presents a Civic that challenges the top end of the compact class.
"A premium sports compact for the growing sector in the C segment."
-I don't know, what you're saying! -I don't what I'm saying.
Does anybody here speak Marketing?
It's just some words!
I've got a picture of the new car here. Okay?
-Hmm! -Fabulous looking thing. And from the back,
CLARKSON: Look at those triangular exhaust pipes. HAMMOND: I like that.
Now, it's been specifically designed to look like this, to frighten old people.
It has cos, you know, Honda are pathological about the fact that
only old people buy their cars?
-Yes. -The average age of a Civic buyer is about 130.
At least yeah. Really are.
So, they've done that so they can write, "Don't buy this."
I'm so gonna buy my mother one.
Just to annoy them?
Just to annoy, Honda.
Anyway, I've got some details of it.
It's £13,000 to £18,000, same as a Focus.
Same sort of engines you get in a Focus.
That'll be totally reliable and it's built in Britain...
which is exactly the kind of thing old people like.
It is. There we are.
If you're elderly, that's your next car.
-There it is. -Have you not got a map this week?
Oh, yes! I am the map correspondent for Top Gear.
Not a map, as such, but I have been sent this.
It's the... (CLEARS THROAT)
What? M4 sights! (LAUGHS)
M4 sights guide
to find out about everything you can see from your vehicle on the motorway.
Mind you, it does say...
Warning! Do not use while travelling.
Now, the most important new car of the year, okay?
Is the Aston Martin V8 Vantage.
No question about that. And here it is.
CLARKSON: I've driven it.
Have you? I've driven it.
What's it like?
Well, unfortunately, there's an embargo on it. Okay?
Which means I'm not allowed to talk about it until August the 30th.
But we're not on air.
I know, it's a real shame,
cos I really wanted to talk about the noise.
Cos, honestly it is...
You put your foot down and there's this wail from the V8, okay?
Cos there is this
valve in the exhaust, which I can't mention.
You can't tell us this? No, I can't tell you this.
When you put your foot down, hard it flicks open
and you can hear that car two miles away.
-That's how loud it is! -I wish, you could have told us that.
I know. I'm really sorry.
And the other thing I can't tell you is the ride. Okay?
Its firm but it's really well controlled.
Oh, it's like the most... A fabulous thing.
You see, I would have loved to have heard that.
I would like to know that.
That's a shame. You can't tell us how fast it goes or anything?
No, 175, can't mention that.
You can't tell us that?
No, no sadly not.
I can't wait till the 30th, when we find out.
Presumably, um, you're not allowed to tell us how much it costs either.
The price? No. Hmm.
Actually, I really can't tell you how much it costs,
cos remember when they said they were going to do that...
They said it's going to be the same money as a 911 and that's £60,000.
Then it was 65, 70, 75... like an auction, God's sake.
Oh! Someone put their hand up!
When we came on air it was £80,000. It's probably about 87 now.
And there's a three year waiting list for that.
By the time... At the end of it you'll be paying half a million dollars.
Ooh, now! Bit of bike news!
There's been talks, at a high level in government,
of capping the noise from bike exhausts at 74 decibels.
-Good. -That's as bad as loud as a hairdryer.
Good. It goes even further than
that because what they're saying is, if you are caught with a bike louder than that,
the police will be able to confiscate it.
I'd go further. I'd shoot you in the middle of your face.
It's just cos you hate bikes.
Just cos you hate bikes. It isn't.
It's cos I live on a road in the Cotswolds and every weekend,
city boys come out on their PQRS, TT's...
To ruin it!
A Japanese four-cylinder bike being revved to about 11,500rpm sounds glorious.
Yes. Triumph three-cylinder motorcycle engines.
-You don't get that noise anywhere. Magnificent. -Growling away.
You told me your bike, whatever it is,
sounds like you belching.
No, I didn't. You did!
No. You did!
I said the sound at low res from the exhaust
is like the sound a burp makes when it's forming.
I don't want to hear a forming burp going past my house
on a Sunday afternoon with someone dressed like a Power Ranger!
-I don't want that! -(AUDIENCE LAUGHS)
(AUDIENCE APPLAUDS) Don't clap him! He's wrong!
I'm so not wrong!
Actually I'm quite glad, that you don't like it.
I am actually quite glad about this possible legislation,
because I think the bikes should be slightly outside the law.
That's what we ride them to be, little bit rebellious,
because I don't want you to like my bike. I want it to upset you.
Mr Rebel, Mr Easy Rider, let me ask you a simple question.
A few years from now...
You've got two daughters. I have.
Some spotty oik turns up at your house on a PQRSZ TT, okay?
"I've come to take your Izzy out!" What are you going to do?
Ha! Got him!
I'm gonna keep a big bucket of sand by the door,
and when I see him at the door, I'm gonna go...
(VOCALISES) I'll stick my head in it,
then the problem's gone away.
You don't have to worry, any more.
You're gonna let a man on a bike take your daughter out?
Oh, that's a difficult one.
How about if I turn up in 10 year's time to take your Izzy out?
Then on the other side of the door I'm gonna have a big bat.
Because, in 10 year's time, his daughter's gonna be 14
and you're gonna be 75.
In 20 years, I meant.
That's one of the reasons why he'd have to club you with a bat,
probably with a nail in it.
Now, you know I had done top of the pops the other day?
Oh! Do I know that?
It was the first time he'd ever done live TV,
and I was there in my living room with my Sky Plus on
to catch every humiliating cock up!
And there weren't any. No, there was none.
(STUTTERS) Because I'm Mr Loc... Late local radio DJ...
Good job is not live.
Oh, I need to it live!
I'm much better live! Anyways, the thing is, okay,
while I was doing it, I noticed that one of the acts in particular
was absolute rubbish, okay?
They were appalling.
And I was thinking, when they were banging the garden furniture together.
I would rather listen to an exhaust pipe than this.
And that gave me an idea, okay?
Can you use a car engine as a musical instrument?
Could you, for instance, re-record
the theme music for Top Gear using nothing but engines?
Well, you couldn't, obviously cos you have no musical talent whatsoever.
I don't, but he does.
He has... Old Captain Slow there has a degree in music.
Actually, it's absolutely true.
So I decided that I would take up Jeremy's challenge.
--MAY: This is the famous Top Gear theme tune,
as played by me on the Casio Song bank keyboard--.
And it's my job to collect all of these notes onto a recording device
using only car engines to make the sound.
Now, if you think this is difficult, you'd be dead right,
and here's the first problem.
When you run your finger up the piano keyboard,
like little Richard...
You get a succession of distinct notes.
--MAY: That, I'm afraid, is just a noise.
So what I've got to do is listen out for the exact note I want,
And in this Honda S2000 that sounds like a D roughly.
It is, at 4,500rpm.
And then, record it.
So, this calls for a very good ear
and absolutely supreme driving skill.
Also, there are quite a lot of notes in the Top Gear theme tune,
so we're going to need quite a lot of cars.
Oh, yes. We've got thundering V8s,
a howling rotary engine,
a booming old vet
and even a one cylinder dumper truck.
And it's probably the only time it'll feature in the same line up as this.
MAY: Yes! This is the only road test, I can think of
where a single cylinder earth mover
is gonna be as much use
as a 420,000 pound Italian super car.
MAY: The Enzo has a lot going for it in a game of Top Trumps.
It will do 220 miles per hour.
It has computers that wouldn't embarrass a space ship.
And Michael Schumacher helped to develop it.
But today, we're only interested in this...
(BRAKES SCREECHING )
Its six litre V12.
(OPERA MUSIC PLAYING)
I think somewhere in this V12,
we will find the high D we need for the tune.
Now, let's just have a go. Hang on.
There it is! There it is!
Placido Domingo, you're nothing!
--MAY: So that's the first of the notes in the bag.
Now we'll move to the midrange and sticking with the Italians,
the rare and charismatic Alfa SZ.
With its love or hate looks, the SZ was one of the most extreme cars
to come out of Italy in the 90's.
What I remember most, though,
is the thrilling sound of its three litre engine.
Let's take this lovely V6 up to about 3,500 revs and we get...
--MAY: The day was a smorgasbord of trial and error
as the weirdest musical recording ever devised
slowly took shape.
This is going to work!
--MAY: The rotary engine of the Mazda RX8
delivered the goods at 9,000 rpm.
--MAY: The new Suzuki Swift looked good in the flesh.
Its four-cylinder engine gave us a nice B.
And, as an added bonus...
(LIGHT ALARM BEEPS)
(PLAYING VARIOUS NOTES)
That's an F!
--MAY: Now, viewers under 79, bear with us,
because, to find some of the lower notes,
we had no choice but to trundle down memory lane.
The 1926 Bugatti 35 Type T
came first, second and third in the Targa Flori.
And the noise from its 2.3 litre straight 8
would've shaken the teeth of the shepherds in the Sicilian hills.
I don't want to come over all Fred Dibnah,
but this is a sound you just don't hear any more.
--MAY: And, sure enough, it coughed out a low G.
That just left a B flat to get.
I'm thinking big.
I'm thinking, actually, quite brash.
I'm thinking a sort of Elvis Presley, in his Las Vegas years.
--MAY: The 1966 Corvette Stingray
may have been built in Kentucky.
But the engine a big block V8
that's a different matter.
It may be a simple old nut, but it was made in Detroit.
Motown... They know a thing or two about music.
Just listen to that.
An A... straight out of the pipes.
--MAY: With all the notes down on tape,
my next job was to find a recording studio,
and some boffins who could shape the engine noises
into the Top Gear tune.
Nearest me is Don Beacon.
He's a composer. And to his right is Guy Pratt,
who, amongst other things, plays bass for Pink Floyd whilst they're arguing.
MAY: The first thing the chaps did was to match all of the engine notes
to a computerised keyboard.
There it is.
Yeah, about there.
But then, they wanted to fiddle with any notes that weren't pitch perfect.
Just treat it like you would treat the vocals of just about every major pop star,
which is that you have to go in and get it closer to the real note.
-So what are you saying pop stars can't sing? -No!
No. I'd never dream of it.
--MAY: That's all very well. But my engine notes
weren't the squawkings of some Pop Idol rejects.
So I insisted they keep the sound as pure as possible.
The bend's gone. Yes.
--MAY: Eventually, the engines won over the musicians.
That's very close.
Well, let's go with that.
These cars actually produce better notes than a lot of people in the charts today.
And by the end of the day, we had something.
All I had to do now was pay them their exorbitant fee.
-Couple of old remainder Clarkson videos. -Oh, fantastic!
I have been looking for these everywhere.
I have peeled of the reduced 99p stickers.
Um, and, eh, a ticket to the show. Cheers.
Well, fantastic. Just one?
CLARKSON: Well done. Well done.
Now, just, um...
Let me just clear something up, if I may.
-You were genuinely recording notes... -Yes...
I mean, Bs, Ds and Es, from engines?
Absolutely, there was no trickery involved.
That was musical notes played on cars.
-And you've got the finished product there? -I have.
Gotta get Hamster. Hamster you gotta come?
Come and listen. This is the big moment. I'm not missing this.
Okay. You ready. Play.
(THEME TUNE PLAYS)
What was that?
What was that? I have to admit...
I have to admit, okay? I did actually hear that yesterday.
And I think It's got worse in the night!
What's that fart in the middle?
That's a bit of Bugatti, but it was running a bit flat then.
You know those guys in the recording studio were saying
you know you could put it in a computer... (VOCALISES)
You put it in a computer it goes... (VOCALISES)
If you'd done that, we could've got it in the charts...
He could've introduced it on top of the pops!
-We could have been millionaires. -Exactly.
That would've made me no better than Simon Cowell.
-What? Being rich? -He's got two Rolls-Royces, man.
No, what Simon Cowell does is he takes this fat talentless shop assistant
and makes her sound like Barbra Streisand.
But what you've done is taken a car and made it sound
like a fat talentless shop assistant farting!
Exactly! It's awful!
You said make the tune with exhaust notes.
That's what I did. I'm a purist.
It was terrible!
I'm sorry. I would like to apologise to Duane Allman, who wrote that song.
I know you're dead, Duane, but we're really sorry. He did it, okay?
Now we've gotta move on,
cos it's time to put a star in your reasonably priced car.
My guest this week, I always thought, was a Brummie.
And I'm delighted to find out that, actually, he isn't!
Ladies and gentlemen, Timothy Spall!
It's an honour!
Cheers. Have a seat!
Now, um, I'm not alone, am I?
I'm not alone in thinking that you are a Brummie.
I'm sure everybody thought
because of auf Wiedersehen pet, that you are a Birmingham person.
Well, I suppose so. People used to say, "What part are you from?"
I'd say, I'm from the south of Birmingham... in Battersea,
which is quite,
quite a long way away.
Cos, of course, you are... I mean, we all know you, obviously.
We all know you as Barry from Auf Weidersehen.
But I was looking at what you've done over the years!
-Yeah, I've... -Endless, endless amount of films,
right up to Harry Potter.
With the ears and teeth.
I think I probably win the prize of the ugliest character in the,
I don't know. Michael Gambon's in it.
He's not a pretty man. He's gorgeous.
Well, I wouldn't sleep with him.
-Wouldn't you? -No, I've weighed it up many times,
but I've decided no.
He told me you had.
God. He's always doing that!
And then, most recently, there's been
a couple of films, I don't know with Tom Cruise.
Yeah, me and...
You're like that? Yeah, I've done...
I did The Last Samurai
and I did a film before that,
which nobody understood, called Vanilla Sky.
No, I loved Vanilla Sky.
Great film. Yeah. I loved that.
You must get on okay, if you did two films with him.
He's a lovely guy. Is he?
He's a really nice guy. Yeah.
He's more into aeroplanes than cars.
He's got an American fighter plane
from the Second World War.
That's what he gets his kicks from.
Well, it's easy for Tom Cruise to have fighter planes.
-Most of us have to make do with cars. -Yeah. Yeah.
That's the way it works. Now, um...
The one thing I'm always baffled by when guys like you come on the show
and Gambon and Patrick Stewart for that matter,
and other actors whom we've had.
All those other mincers.
All those other amazing actors we've had over the years.
You always assumes thesps
aren't gonna be interested in cars.
But you are, aren't you?
Yeah, well... Do you assume they get
get into their carriages in their velvet cloaks and fedoras?
I can see them sitting sort of,
whole Daniel Day Lewis thing...
Bring the phaeton around.
But you're just another one that does like your cars.
I love them. Yeah, I suppose, I mean, cars are...
They are all different characters
and they say something to you.
It's not a technical thing for you. Is it?
It's not like Gambon, he really likes how they work
and sits and fiddles and
makes things work.
I don't know how they work.
When I had my first car, which was a Vauxhall Viva, my wife and I...
She said... She gave me a can and said,
"Put that in the car." It was a tin of anti-freeze.
She meant put it in the boot.
I took the cap off the engine and poured it inside the engine.
Poured it in and put it back on.
So that blew the Viva to pieces?
No, it survived!
It was another one of my cars. All the cars I hate
survive. and all the cars I love die. I don't know why.
So you're a proper man who doesn't read instructions.
No, I can't. No, no.
It took me 11 hours to put up Barbie's Horse Box.
No, I don't know. I'm scared.
I mean I don't know, anything about mechanical things.
I'm genuinely interested, cos I've looked back
at the cars you've had over the years,
and it seems to alternate between really truly, terrible cars...
-The Nissan Prairie has popped into my head. -Yes. Yes.
And then, almost immediately,
something really cool...
-Rover Coupe, whatever, old Jags. -Yeah.
What goes on? Why do you do that?
Well, I think I have outbursts
of uncharacteristic sensibleness.
And I'm in denial that I have serious car fever.
Because if I've got something boring, I get like a fever,
I get like a disease, a compulsion
to go out and buy something that I really fancy, you know.
So, what have you had that's good?
Never forget the Prairies and Cavaliers and so on...
Well, I had a 1962 S type Jag, which was very nice.
Spoke wheels and everything.
You replaced that with a...
I think with a... with a, Volvo 240.
You see? It's like...
Ooh... No, I don't like this.
It's fiscally conditioned.
Sometimes, you have a good year, sometimes you have a bad
I know. That's true.
But aren't people surprised when they see you in really rubbish cars?
Yeah, I was sitting not far from my house, outside a shop.
And a bloke stopped in the corner and said, "Oi, Tim!"
I said, "Yes?" And he said,
"You can do better than that, can't you?"
And that was a what? Nissan...
I think it was a Nissan Poopy or something.
They all are. They all are.
Now, you and Jimmy Nail, obviously from Auf Weidersehen.
-Yeah. -Didn't you talk about a classic car dealership?
-At one point. -We talked about it but we weren't gonna sell them.
We were gonna have about ten, sit in there
and admire them and then take a different ride in one home every night.
-That was bad business then really good job... -I think it would have been...
Yes. We wouldn't have done much business.
I'd like to see someone complain that Jimmy Nail left the car and it went wrong.
He wouldn't have been complaining for long. No, he wasn't, uh...
He can get people to clear off with a look.
And of course now you're here.
Here I am. For my sins.
How did it go on the track?
Well, I don't know. I...
After I got past the sort of brown factor of this...
-Did I see the Stig taking you out in a Monaro earlier? -Yes, that was very brown.
Did it go... At any point, was it going?
Yes. It seemed to be going sideways at 150mph. I didn't know. How can you...
How can you be going this fast not being in the air? I don't know.
It's... I was thinking that that car,
they should fit windscreen wipers on the side windows.
Is it just always...
And on the seats!
-Oh! It's a great car. -I know that. It's a great car.
So then it was Liana and you were okay?
Yes. As I say, I was very determined. It's funny because I didn't think I'd be...
I wanted to take it serious. I was really determined to get it right.
I felt a bit flash but then I thought I've seen other people in it,
they look like tossers so, I thought
I'd probably look like king of the wallyburger myself so...
Well, shall we have a look? AUDIENCE: Yes.
-Let's have a look at the old lap see what you look like. -(TYRES SQUEALING)
JEREMY: Here it is. Smoking start.
JEREMY: Slightly close to your gear change there. TIMOTHY: Oh yeah.
JEREMY: It's okay, though, you didn't break it, it's still working.
TIMOTHY: Making a funny noise though, at one point.
JEREMY: No, that's its normal noise. TIMOTHY: Is it?
-JEREMY: That's the sound of a 106-brake horsepower. -(TIMOTHY LAUGHS)
That's nice and tidy, nothing wrong with that.
-Brake. -Brake, yes, you do have to for Chicago.
(BRAKES SCREECHING) JEREMY: Clipped that perfectly.
TIMOTHY: I do look like a Wally.
-You don't, this is good. Yeah. -Is it?
We learnt last week with Mark Webber to go wide here
which is what you have done. TIMOTHY: All right.
Come on! Come on.
JEREMY: Settling down...
TIMOTHY: It looks ill.
-TIMOTHY: That was nice. -That was flat but good. (AUDIENCE LAUGHS)
Quick through there, yeah.
Nice little drift, missed the grass.
Last corner, it's too wide!
He's gone wrong, oh no! Oh no! (AUDIENCE LAUGHING)
-And across the line! -(APPLAUSE)
(AUDIENCE CHEERS AND WHISTLES)
JEREMY: Ah, well.
So there you go.
There's your predecessors. Where do you reckon you are in that lot?
I really don't know.
-Down near the bottom somewhere. -No, no, no.
You did better than that. In fact I reckon, If you hadn't had
that last corner problem you'd have done very well.
You actually did it in one minute 51.1 seconds.
And that is right the way...
(APPLAUSE AND WHISTLING)
That means you are as quick as Ranulph Fiennes.
Ah. The explorer.
-I bet he's quicker across the North Pole than me. -Yeah.
I'm looking to see if you're quicker than Gambon.
-Have you done the next Harry Potter film together? -Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Where did he come? Oh! Ho ho ho ho! Next time you see him,
-just four seconds, mate. Four seconds. -Yeah!
Ladies and gentlemen, it's been a huge pleasure, having you here. Timothy Spall!
(APPLAUSE AND WHISTLING)
Right. Now, over the course of this series, we've been engaged on a quest to find
the greatest driving song of all time. And,
over two million of you have been voting for this, our final shortlist of five.
Tonight, we have the results, which we'll announce in reverse order.
Right, in fifth place is the head-banger's favourite, Deep Purple, Highway Star.
In fourth place, the biker's anthem, Steppenwolf, Born To Be Wild.
In third place,
-mercifully, some nonsense from Meat Loaf. -(AUDIENCE CHEERS)
-Which means? -Which means, it's down to the wire.
Between Golden Earring and Radar Love, and Queen and Don't Stop Me Now.
And the winner. What did you say?
The winner as voted by you,
the greatest driving song of all time,
-is Queen! -(ALL CHEERING)
JEREMY: It's Queen.
You were right.
Absolutely fabulous. Now, of course, we did have an award made.
-But then we ran into a bit of a problem. -We did, because you see
Brian May, the guitarist says he doesn't like that song so we couldn't give it to him.
Freddie Mercury's sort of dead.
We couldn't remember the other bloke's name so couldn't go to him.
That just left the drummer who in accordance with EU rock star regulations,
was floating around the Med on his yacht.
In a moment, we're going to present Roger Taylor
with this Greatest Driving Song trophy,
which we've purchased for the princely sum of 699 pence.
The only slight problem is,
the local engraver is a bit rubbish frankly,
and he's left the "don't" out of "Don't Stop Me Now."
For crying out loud.
Roger Taylor. Yeah?
On behalf of Top Gear, I'd like to present you with this
Greatest Driving Song In The World Ever award.
It's to you and the other members of Queen for uh, Stop Me Now.
I'm sorry it's such a poor quality trophy.
No, no, no. Don't say that. Actually do.
We'll treasure this forever and it will go into our enormous gong cupboard,
and thank you on behalf of the band.
Thank you so much. And thank you to your viewers.
I should explain those girls on the boat were his daughters
-so don't get the wrong idea there, please. -(AUDIENCE LAUGHS)
Now, I've got a question. Okay?
What is the best-selling car in the whole world? Any thoughts?
MAN: Honda Jazz.
Honda Jazz. What do you reckon?
Ford Mondeo. Ford Mondeo's not even close, not even close.
What? Toyota Corolla.
is the best-selling car over a period of 50 years.
I'm talking about the best selling car right now. Any thoughts?
Actually, you what?
The Chevrolet Matiz?
There aren't that many lunatics in the world to be able to sell enough of those.
It's actually a Daewoo Matiz, Do try to concentrate.
It's a Chevrolet Matiz.
It's not a Chevrolet.
Just because they've tossed the word Daewoo out
and written Chevrolet on the back doesn't make it What's your name?
-Gary. -Gary I'm going to call you Jeremy from now on.
Is that your name?
No, it isn't.
Actually, it is a trick question there.
Because, the best-selling car in the world, isn't really a car.
Yep, it's this, the Ford F150.
As you can see, it's not a car at all.
What it is, is a business phenomenon.
There are more F-series Ford pick-up trucks in the world than there are Australians.
They sell nearly a million of these every year.
That's 107 an hour.
It's not like the old Volkswagen Beetle or Toyota Corolla.
It's not sold all over the world.
They sell 107 an hour only in north America.
That means somebody's buying one now and now and now and now,
24 hours a day, seven days a week, 365 days a year.
And here's the thing,
we buy American fried chicken, we buy their fizzy beverages,
we buy their TV shows and their music. We even buy into their wars.
But we don't buy their pick-up trucks.
Why is that?
Well, it's not cheap. £33,000.
But for that, you do get a right-hand drive conversion,
cruise control, air conditioning,
keyless entry, a CD player and something called
"preferred suede trim".
It's the pioneering wild west spirit with a pioneer stereo.
And then there's the engine.
This lightning model has the same supercharged 5.4 V8 that you get in the Ford GT.
That means, 380 brake horsepower,
and that means naught to 60 in 5.8 seconds.
This thing, this leviathan, this American god
will outrun a Porsche Boxster!
Ho ho ho! It sounds like a jet engine.
And it feels like it's being fuelled by
George Thorogood and every single one of his Destroyers.
("BAD TO THE BONE"--PLAYING)
So I ask again, why don't we buy it?
Well, most people who go for walk in the American countryside
are eaten by a bear.
So they need a car with a gun rack.
(BELL RINGS) Top of the morning!
But most people who go for a walk in the English countryside,
aren't eaten by a bear.
So they don't.
In America, everyone dreams of being a frontiersman
out in the open in a covered wagon.
Whereas we don't really have that dream.
You see, right now, I'm driving through a tiny village,
very rural, miles from any big city.
If this were America, it'd be full of people doing
whatever it is they do.
But this is different.
You see, within a spit of where I am now, you've got
Madonna, Guy Ritchie, Hugh Grant, Liz Hurley,
Kate Moss, Kate Winslet, Gwyneth Paltrow, Anne Robinson,
Rory Kinnear and me.
We want the fields,
but we don't want to be too far from a skinny latte with a dash of extra espresso.
Only in America when you want some logs for the fire,
you load your truck up with chainsaws and head off to the forest.
What we do is go to the shops.
JEREMY: Traditional breads. Yeast-free wholewheats.
Unbleached white sourdough, 100% Rye Bread, not blended with wheat, Soda Bread.
I really want ciabatta... (MUTTERING)
Carrot and parsley bread,
poppy seed bread...
Look at the choice of things I have here.
Oh, that's handy. We're lounging by the pool.
You could hang that on your front door for visitors.
Some foie gras, thanks.
-You've got no flying fish wasabi. Yeah? -Sold out.
Liz Hurley's been in, has she?
(SHOP BELL RINGS)
Okay, I've got my groceries,
I've got my scented logs, actually
and I'm particularly pleased with um,
these, you want to guess what they are?
-You wanna guess what they are? -Um, they look like acorns.
£11 this bag costs, look, 11 quid.
Uh, candles? No idea then.
Firelighters, so you don't get the smell of paraffin on your fingers.
Do they work?
No idea. No idea.
But the point is that I have everything here that I need,
to exist in the British countryside.
To be honest, it doesn't really fill a pickup truck.
There are some other things too like the truck is rather thirsty,
and quite large for our roads.
And you can't take it off-road and into our countryside partly because
Mr Blair would rather you didn't,
partly because it doesn't have four-wheel drive,
and partly because you might scratch the paint.
There are several small reasons why we don't need a pick-up truck like this.
Then there's the main one. It's rubbish.
The worst car I ever drove was a Russian Jeep in Saigon in Vietnam,
and the critical world in that sentence is "was."
This is actually made using technology that would be instantly familiar
to any 19th century tunnelling contractor.
It has a ladder-chassis for instance, which is made from old shovels.
The brake discs meanwhile are the size of milk bottle tops.
Then there's the interior.
We'll start with the simple stuff. Look at this dashboard.
Nothing fits. Nothing matches.
There are huge gaps everywhere.
And, because it's classified as a truck,
it doesn't have to pass the safety tests, that a car has to pass.
I mean when you've got 380 brake horsepower,
it's nice to feel that the steering wheel is actually connected to the front wheel
but look! Look at that!
How can it be this bad?
♪ And did those feet in ♪
This pick-up then does not work in Britain because we're just too sophisticated.
I'd like to think that we've gone beyond this barn door engineering.
That in our world of espresso coffee
and zinc-top kitchen surfaces,
the pick-up truck is some... Hang on a minute!
He's nicked my firelighters! Oh!
(APPLAUSE) Oh dear.
That is the biggest problem with this car. It really is.
-That is its biggest problem. -All your stuff's gonna get nicked out the back.
The other one of course is you know those...
Those late-night Channel 5 police-crash things?
Someone always in a pickup truck, they always roll it over.
And now I know why. The driver has no control!
Well, yeah. It's because there's absolutely no weight over the rear wheels,
and that's where all the power is at.
Basically, it gives you a pretty good idea of what it'd be like in a barrel
-rolling down a hill. -I know, I know. And look at the roof!
-Oh, you can't. -(AUDIENCE LAUGHS)
(SARCASTIC LAUGH) There's one other issue as well.
To understand that, we have to go to the Cool Wall!
(CHEERING AND APPLAUSE)
Over we go!
Here it is.
Here it is, without a question, or shadow of doubt,
it goes there in "uncool" and that's an end of it.
This is the Mercedes A-Class, the new one, which is a very good car.
Good car? No it's awful.
No it's not awful. It's very good. Don't argue with that.
Is it cool or not?
Not at all.
Not cool? Not cool?
No? Why not?
It's a Mercedes.
No, you see, that is a Mercedes, right?
That we're coming to in a minute. That is cool. That's a CLS. Is that cool?
Big Mercedes are cool.
-What? -I'll roll some sense into you!
The problem with this is.
And there is a problem.
There is a big problem. Is that one day, you're be at a party,
talking to someone with an SL65.
They are going to go, "I've got a Mercedes" and you'll have to say...
-Yeah, I've got one too. -"Good, I can use yours as a chalk for mine!"
Use it. Very cool, sir...
Which brings us on to this.
This is a cool car.
Big Mercedes are cool. Small ones aren't.
Ah, so now he's starting to put a size thing.
I mean, I know bigger things are cooler than smaller things that is for sure.
We really do like this. Yes.
What we really like is when it's black,
and its got the Brabus big wheels on it.
-And I saw one the other day with Danish numberplates... -Eh?
It was really cool. Oh yeah.
-Danish is cool. -Danish plates are cool. Why is that?
Nobody wants an opinion on that so we can shove it there without any argument.
Now, Porsche Boxster. What do we think of that?
Very cool? How wrong you are!
What do you think? Why is it cool?
-Because, I think I'd look good in it. Yeah. -You'd look good in it?
You'd look ridiculous in it, I'm sorry to say.
No, the real problem with this is simple.
It's an uncool car, that's a given.
-This week, it became, really seriously uncool. -Yeah.
-James Mays just ordered one. So it goes down here. -Sorry.
Three cars, the ones we drove in Iceland.
The cabriolets. These we established are all ones that have been converted
to make into cabriolets from coupes.
-Audi TT. Okay, that's for stockbrokers. -It is.
Chrysler Crossfire that...
What did you say?
Do you know what? I think he's right, actually. The Chrysler's...
-Fiona Bruce would like. -Oh! Get off. Look at it.
It's got old bits sticking all over it. It looks like a pantomime dame of a car.
I'm allowed. Just because your doctor said!
-It's cool. Now, this on the other hand, -This...
Where's your Audi TT gone?
Because that is for stockbrokers, right? And your this one,
that's for yobs. I can't. I can't...
Has anyone got one of these Datsuns with a Renault engine?
WOMAN: I've got a TT.
Where's the TT driver? Where are you?
You like it? It's fantastic.
-Why do you like it? -It goes well, it's got good road holding.
No, no. Is it cool though.
It is exceedingly cool.
-Sadly, you should've bought a Crossfire. -No.
Yes, yes, yes. I've got the microphone, I've got the microphone now.
You feel free to chat away to yourself. That is now seriously uncool down there.
Do you know, I know we're tight for time.
I can't go home tonight and leave that there. I won't be able to sleep.
It's not right.
(CLAPPING) You can't! I mean, you can't surely. This is...
I'll give you that if you'll give me this as uncool.
-I love it, but I'll give you it as uncool. -Thank you very much!
So that's that. Trade-off.
-What've you got next? Nothing -What are you looking like that for?
What've you got next?
I've got the BMW...
I've got the BMW 3 series.
Looks like a Nissan!
Looks like a Nissan!
-It doesn't look like a Nissan.
-It looks like 15 feet of car. -It is. It's just some car.
Some car? I'm sorry. Do you know what?
First time ever...
Can't be bothered.
Can't be bothered
to put it on the board.
It's... It's just some car.
It is "mild cheddar".
It's a lump of car.
That's what it is.
It's the holiday season. Thousands of people go to Spain to relax.
Well, I went there, for a different reason.
The Spanish love a good festival.
And the most famous of all, is the Bull Run at Pamplona.
Every year, people come from all over the world
to run through these streets, while being chased by angry bulls.
Unsurprisingly, it's not safe.
Last year, 16 runners were gored by bulls' horns.
The year before, someone actually died.
Only idiots take part.
So here I am. They dress you in white, give you a neckerchief, but it's okay,
I feel safe, because. I've got a newspaper.
In truth, I won't be using my newspaper to batter rampaging boy-cows.
Inside, it's got a secret camera so you can catch the action from ground level.
At 8 o'clock sharp, 20 tonnes of very rare meat is unleashed.
The bulls are on the road. I need to start moving. The panic is starting...
God, I can feel the ground moving.
Oh, my God... This is terrifying?
People are just tearing to get away.
Christ, they're there. Look! Look!
It's amazing! People on the floor.
This may look pointless, but there is reason behind it.
On the Bull Run, your adrenaline levels double...
Your heart rate triples. The excitement and danger release
a torrent of chemicals that give you a massive, primeval high.
That was close!
I think that's it.
It's the caveman running from the sabre-toothed tiger.
And once human beings get that fix,
they'll go looking for it again.
If there's any machine capable of doing the job, it should be this.
The Lamborghini Murcielago Roadster.
Now, there are several good reasons for bringing this car to test.
At the Pamplona Bull Run.
Firstly, there's the excitement.
Then, obviously, there's the Lamborghini badge,
which is a bull.
And then there's the name of the car, Murcielago, that's a Spanish word.
And it actually means "bat".
Now, just like running from an angry hunk of sirloin steak,
there's plenty about this car to keep your pulse in treble figures.
Firstly, there's the way this thing looks at speed on the road.
I mean, look at it.
You see, the roadster is 7cms lower then the hard-top.
And that wasn't exactly a Range Rover to start with.
So now, it looks like a missile.
And then there's the price.
Obviously there's also the speed.
By using engineering witchcraft,
the Roadster comes out at the same weight as the hard-top.
So it's not slow.
Naught to 60 in 3.8 seconds.
A top speed of 205mph.
That'd be great in some lightweight, track-day Porsche thing.
But in this,
which is as wide as a suspension bridge and weighs nearly two tonnes.
If that sort of speed scares you,
there's one sure-fire way of slowing things down.
There is an emergency roof to be used
in case of sudden downpour.
The only problem with that is, sudden downpours tend to be, quite, well, sudden.
This goes in... Here.
It doesn't... No.
After five minutes, all I'd succeeded in doing was attracting a crowd.
So I recruited some help in my textbook Spanish.
Have you ever put the roof, on a Lamborghini or Roadster?
Right, this is the roof itself.
Uh, yes! Can somebody... Can you go on the other side?
There. I give that to you...
I think we need to go down and up...
No, we can't do that.
May I help you?
-Yes Have you got one of these? -No.
That's not working at all for me.
If you've got Naomi Campbell in the passenger seat which is entirely possible
it's pouring down with rain and you're 20 minutes!
Okay, let's just call that done.
580 it is. And, as you can see, it now has the roof on.
-There it is, 200 grand. -MAN: I think the only problem is the roof.
The roof, then, is a classic Italian-supercar-afterthought.
Fortunately, the Murcielago redeems itself with details which are quite exquisite.
Look at those wheels. They're a unique design for the Roadster.
Even the carbon-fibre lattice work across the engine-bay
is a work of art.
As a whole, this car is a thing of beauty.
But let's not forget what the Lambo is about.
It's a bull run.
Is just so exciting!
Every sense is tingling!
I haven't felt this alive since this morning, when I was chased by a bull.
But it's an unusual kind of day.
The acceleration is shattering. It comes from no revs at all.
If I change from third to fourth at speed,
the traction control has to step in.
It still want to spin all four wheels!
What's so great about the Murcielago Roadster is that it delivers
all these thrills, without the spills.
By now, I should be talking to you from up a tree.
Or via a seance. Lamborghinis of old were terrifying.
This car, with its four-wheel drive and traction control,
feels like it's been built in a lab, rather than a shed.
The amount of grip is simply mind-boggling.
Corners just rush up one after another, and you tear round them,
and then the next one's on you.
And it just eats them up!
It just demands more and more and more.
What I love about this car is that it sounds and feels and looks brutal and scary,
but in truth, it won't eat you alive.
It's like being back on the Bull Run.
Only they've got corks on their horns.
Engineers today spend a lot of time trying to separate us
from the noise and mechanics of what's actually going on.
Not so this time. This still presses all the right caveman buttons.
This is still a Lambo.
It's what you might call a rare breed.
It was awesome.
That Lambo, or the Pagani Zonda?
Oh, that's a question I hope I never had to answer for real.
It would be the Lam, the Lambog... The Pag... The Lampagani...
Oh, come on, you know it'd be the Zonda.
-Yeah, well... Yeah... -It's twice the price but it just would.
Actually, there's one bit of that film I wanna see again.
It's you in the cow run. Okay? In slow motion...
Here's Hammond. See the big bloke coming up behind him, grabs him,
and pulls him into the path of a cow's horn!
I would quite like to meet him again. To be honest.
We've got a close-up of his face, which I'd like to show to you now.
There he is. If you're watching the show tonight, do please get in touch,
because I'd like to give you some money.
And on that bull sell, it's time to end.
And that means, of course, we can be played out on my exhaust-notes theme tune.
No, it's horrible!
On the basis it's the end of the series
and we won't be around to answer the complaints,
I suppose we could do that.
I hope you've enjoyed watching the series as much as we've enjoyed making it.
See you in the autumn. Thanks very much. Good night!