Top Gear (2002–…): Season 6, Episode 6 - Episode #6.6 - full transcript
Jeremy, driving a Mercedes McLaren SLR, takes on Richard and James on a boat in a challenge to see who gets from Heathrow Airport, London to Oslo quicker. The Stig takes the Aston Martin DBR9 racing car on a lap of the test track.
CLARKSON: Tonight, Question Time comes to our Reasonably Priced Car.
-- Aston's DB9 racer -- comes to our track.
-- And an offshore power boat -- against a Mercedes SLR.
Hello! Now, tonight, we have our biggest Top Gear--challenge ever.
You may remember, in the past we've raced an Aston Martin DB9
against one of the 200-mile-an-hour trains to Monte Carlo.
Then we raced a Ferrari 612 Scaglietti like this
against a plane to Verbier in Switzerland.
Yes. And both times, the car won.
So, we have shown that the car is faster than a train and faster than a plane.
Now, though, it's time for the big one. Is it faster than a boat?
See, here's the deal. Okay?
We get many letters asking us...
"What is the fastest way of getting from London to Oslo?"
Actually, that's a lie.
We've never had a single letter on the subject,
and now we never will,
because tonight, we're going to find out.
We are. Now, the starting point for our race is here, Heathrow.
James and I will be catching a plane up to Newcastle,
and then hopping on the ferry over to Norway. It's simple.
Meanwhile, I will be driving all the way around the M25,
through the Channel Tunnel, France, Belgium,
Holland, Germany, Denmark, which is much bigger than it looks on any map,
up through Sweden and then finally to Oslo.
-Yes, an that's how many miles? -1,320.
Which is a lot.
Which is why I decided to get myself a very serious car.
And here it is.
-- A £330,000 -- Maclaren Mercedes SLR.
-- A car designed to be fast -- and comfortable.
Exactly the qualities you need
when you have to get across eight countries in a single day.
-Ready for this? -Oh, yes!
'Cause as I see it, you're going to spend all day queuing,
and then all night in a nightclub on a car ferry
-dancing with lorry drivers. -Pretty much, yeah.
-Yeah, but then you... -What are you gonna be doing?
Driving, man... A lot!
I have to say I've got every confidence in this car.
-In the car, yeah. -Yes.
In the driver, he's old. His hip's gone. He'll never make it.
I can't believe we're doing this again.
I think we really should beat him this time. I'm going to run!
CLARKSON: Heathrow to Oslo.
I'm mad for doing this!
-Hello. Newcastle, please. -Hello.
Can I check your passport?
-Is the flight delayed? -No, there's no delay on the flight.
-What sort of aeroplane is it? -737.
-Is it a 737-400... -Stop it. Please stop it.
It's funny, sitting here, it's impossible to tell, really,
that I'm in one of the most powerful road cars ever made.
Till I put my foot down, of course, and then... Yes, now it's... Yes!
See, the SLR was designed so you could cruise to the Nurburgring,
listening to Terry Wogan, do a mind-blowing lap,
and then cruise home again listening to Ken Bruce.
What I can't bear about air travel is this business of getting here an hour early
to check in, checking in, and then you just sit around, wasting time.
I'm in a hurry. There's nothing to do but buy rubbish you don't need.
Yeah, you just made my point, mate.
CLARKSON: Right, it was time to set the Merc's sat nav for Oslo.
So there we are, it's saying it's 1,320 miles.
--SAT NAV: Prepare -- to keep right.
Continue to follow the M25...
Good job. I've got some power.
Come on, man! I've got a ferry to catch! I'm in a race! Come on!
-Hurry up and wait. -Queue situation.
---Channel Tunnel straight... -- -Now turn left.
The Channel Tunnel is straight. I can read!
You useless harridan!
CLARKSON: Despite the sat nav, I reach the Channel Tunnel with time to spare.
-That's an airbus-A340. -I don't care about the plane!
HAMMOND: Meanwhile, we'd only managed to get from the check-in
to the steps of the plane.
So, it's a short flight to Newcastle, and then we're on that boat?
-And we're on it for... -17 hours.
-But he has got to drive... What is it? 1,300 miles. -1,300 miles.
He's going to have to stop.
But we're gonna be still be travelling while we're sleeping.
We're travelling now.
Part of me really, actually wants that car to win, though.
-But all of me wants Jeremy to lose. -Wants Jeremy to lose.
CLARKSON: Obviously, you get a CD auto-changer with the SLR
and the office has very kindly provided me with two CDs.
"Teach Yourself Norwegian."
-- 101 Classic Speeches -- from Mrs Thatcher!
(IMITATING THATCHER) "No, no, no, no, no, no, this lady's not for turning!"
FLIGHT ATTENDANT: Welcome to Newcastle where the local time is 1:00.
-(PHONE RINGS) -HAMMOND: Hello?
-- -How are you? ---Not very well, mate.
-Why are you not very well? -You know the 1:30 train we're catching?
-- -Yes. ---No.
-You've missed your train? -No, haven't missed it. it just doesn't exist.
What do you mean it doesn't... How can it not exist?
I've given public transport one little chance,
one little section of my journey, and it's let me down.
Yeah, you missed your train, but that's okay.
It doesn't exist!
You can get one after 2:00. We've got a bus to catch. So we're off.
-He sounded a bit cross towards the end of that. -So he's missed it?
Yes, and he's got some preposterous excuse that,
"There isn't one!"
-"They've demolished the terminal." -"Everybody else is wrong."
--HAMMOND: While Jeremy -- waited for his train,
we'd lunged ahead and were now on our way to Newcastle's ferry terminal.
-Oh, good! -Bus! Excellent!
As soon as we get off this bus, we get straight on to the big boat,
which is like a big party.
You've built this thing up.
No, I've been on it before.
CLARKSON: Ooh, spooky!
I wonder what the fastest anyone has ever been in a Eurotunnel train.
How tempting is it to...
No, no, no! Grow up!
You've got a band, cocktail, beautiful dancing girls everywhere,
17 hours of being forced to enjoy yourself.
So do I just drive all the way to France in the train?
-We have James... Hello there, James. -That's me.
Permission to come aboard, skipper?
-Stop it, James. Please, stop it! -Have a nice voyage.
-Can you make this boy walk the plank, please? -Whatever. Get on the boat!
--CLARKSON: Unbelievable! -- I still hadn't left England!
That's enough health and safety. Can we go now?
--MAN ON P.A.: ...followed by -- an evacuation announcement...
Will you stop this whole nautical term thing?
That you are then abaft the beam.
-- Safety instructions are also -- displayed on the side panels.
Oh, it's pretty large.
Pretty blowy as well.
If you ask to be piped aboard, I'm throwing you off.
-(ANNOUNCEMENT IN FRENCH) -We gotta have it in French!
Start the train!
MAY: We've got a touch of over-steer on the Princess--here.
HAMMOND: Bit of tailing action occurring.
-He's turning it around. -Yes, I realise that.
-Which way is the sea? -He's not turning around, he's going about.
CLARKSON: It's going!
Since we are in a box for half an hour,
it's probably a good idea to explain why I chose the SLR.
You see, most super cars are so brittle and so fragile,
that when they are being developed,
they have to be transported everywhere like Hannibal Lecter.
But with this, But when they were cold-weather testing it,
they drove it up to the Arctic Circle, did the test,
and then drove it all the way back again.
Oslo should just be a langlauf in the park.
(MOBILE PHONE RINGS)
MAY: Ahoy there, Clarkson!
Stop talking in stupid nautical terms.
-It's not--Blue Peter... --Where are you, then?
There's no other word for it. I'm thundering through Northern France. And you?
We're on the poop deck of the Princess--just steaming out of Newcastle.
All right, so now the race is on.
Very much so, I'd say.
I just wanted to ask you. How many horsepower have you got in your Mercedes?
That's the sound of a lot of horsepowers.
-- Do you know -- how many I've got?
Oh, I don't know, 100?
-- Twenty-five thousand, sir. -- Think about that
-- as you drive along -- in your small hatchback.
-I've got to go now, Jeremy. -Take care. Hope you lose. Bye.
CLARKSON: Frankly, though, the chances of me winning looked bleak.
-- On the sea, -- you can go in a straight line.
On land, you can't.
So, this is it. We're really under way. Out there's the North Sea.
Seventeen hours across there to Kristiansand in Norway.
And then, we're on the way to Oslo. So, we're getting serious now.
-Fancy a game of table football? -Brilliant idea.
This thing was just designed to eat the miles.
I mean, watch this. Okay, ready?
Blink. And there's the Belgian border!
Ninety-eight miles of France, gone. Poof! In the blink of an eye.
Have you got a fog horn?
-Huh? -Fog horn? (MIMICS HORN BLOWING)
-Oh, yes, we have. -Can we try it?
You can try it.
Oh! That's a good sensation.
CLARKSON: So, Belgium...
-- A lot of people say that -- not much happens here,
but that's simply not true.
Did you know that Belgium has
the only fully lit motorway network in the world?
Did you know that?
There you are, you see.
If there's one thing that's annoying me at the moment,
and there is only one thing, it's the brakes.
'Cause look, I want to slow down a bit... Nothing, nothing.
Push harder! Argh, my face comes off.
Just want something in-between.
To take my mind off the braking problems, I turned on the CD player!
--THATCHER: -- U-turn if you want to...
The lady's not for turning.
(IMITATING THATCHER) No, no, no!
-- And then I hit Holland -- at rush hour.
(CAR HORNS HONKING)
The traffic was appalling.
-- -CLARKSON: Hello. ---Jeremy!
Yes, how are you doing?
We're very well. We're on the bridge.
It's very exciting. Where are you?
We're in Holland, we're not doing as well as we'd hoped.
It's nice here. We've booked a table for dinner.
And we're still ahead of you.
Okay. But do bear in mind, Richard, that I'm penetrating Germany.
The time I've lost in Holland, trust me,
I'm going to make up on those autobahns.
Yeah, yeah. I'm sure.
What are you having for dinner?
We haven't decided. We think we might go for the Scandinavian...
-Scandinavian buffet. -Scandinavian buffet.
I'm having a Thai supper.
Would you like anything from the bar? Oh, you can't.
Can you, now? That'd be a problem.
No, no, I'm well catered for with drinks.
And I'm going a damned sight faster than you are.
---Bye-bye. Good luck. -- -Bye. Take care.
The tallest race on Earth now, the Dutch, officially.
Mind you, they do take a lot of drugs.
That's why they like Top Gear so much. Hello, Dutchie.
We got a pub, a casino, a nightclub, a disco and another bar.
Then on the next deck we've got another restaurant, and we've got another bar,
and yet another restaurant and some conference facilities.
So, we could say, one thing we're not short of is facilities.
In fact, we've got a lot more to do than, let's say, for instance, Jeremy.
--CLARKSON: Actually, -- I did have something to do.
Find a new route round the top of Holland to miss the traffic
-- and work out -- how fast I should drive
-- on the fast-approaching -- autobahns.
What I've got to do on this journey, really,
is balance fuel economy and speed,
because if I drive this car flat out, 208 miles an hour,
it will empty its 21-gallon fuel tank in 19 minutes.
Nineteen minutes! 21 gallons, gone!
CLARKSON: As the sun set, the boys prepared for a night out.
And I find myself riding on top of Holland's biggest dyke.
Eight hundred and thirty-one miles still to go.
Still, Germany soon.
Bring it on!
To our future.
Stop doing that. Please.
You can start doing the nautical references instead, if you like.
I've really enjoyed our day out together, Richard.
It's not very often I get to take someone out for a nice dinner.
This car's a bit like a chemist's shop.
Just dumps adrenaline every time you move your right foot.
-SAT NAV: Please take the next exit on the right. -Shut up!
I know he can be a bit of a pain and everything...
-Yeah. -But that is a very long way to drive.
-Yeah. I mean, he's still got hundreds
and hundreds and hundreds of miles...
So, here we are in Germany. The last refuge of the speed freak.
CLARKSON: Two hundred and fifty-two miles of autobahn
where we'll see what the SLR is really made of.
It's probably a good time now
to talk about this car's ferocious engine.
It's a big supercharged V8 and it needs to be big,
because the supercharger needs 120 brake horsepower
just to run it.
But has Jeremy got dancing girls in his... That's a very expensive car.
-But it doesn't have dancing girls. No. -No, I don't think it has. No.
65% of Germany's autobahns are restricted.
But not this bit.
That is now 160 miles an hour!
And it's legal.
Oh! This is quick now.
(LAUGHING) I'm such a child.
(SOFT MUSIC PLAYS)
If you ask me to dance, I'll stab you.
CLARKSON: As the boys slipped ever more deeply into their drinking trousers,
-- I hit Denmark -- and started to feel weary.
if you drive after you've been awake 18 hours,
your concentration levels are around the same
as someone who's hovering around the drink-drive limit.
And if you drive after you've been awake for 24 hours,
your concentration levels are about the same as someone
who's had half a bottle of scotch.
(DISCO MUSIC PLAYING)
--THATCHER: -- British sovereign territory
-- has been invaded -- by a foreign power.
It is very late now, but I've got everything a man needs to stay awake.
ProPlus, energy drink,
coffee, Mrs Thatcher...
and 626 brake horsepower.
And none of it was working.
At times like this, desperate measures are called for, so I...
What I like to do is reach for my packet of Spunk.
Now I'm ready. Oh, yeah.
Oh, I don't like Spunk.
Right, well, now...
It's midnight. I've done 650 miles.
I've been on the go for 12 hours and guess what!
This is where our race starts.
-Is it? -Now, we're gonna go to sleep,
and we're still moving. Look at that speed.
-Do you think he will stop? -He's old.
He's got an arthritic hip. He will have to stop.
I've got the window down.
Well, I would and you would, but I don't think Jeremy will
because he'll become obsessed by power and winning.
THATCHER: That country's armed forces attacked the Falkland Islands yesterday.
MAN: The message we've got is that British troops landed on South Georgia this afternoon.
He'll just drive on through the night.
He can't possibly. This is where we start to win. Honestly.
It's the first yawn.
It's no good, I'm gonna have to pull over and get some sleep.
I finally threw in the towel at a service station just outside Copenhagen,
and settled down for some kip in the world's most expensive hotel room.
I was so tired. No!
Listen, we will pick that up in the morning, if you see what I mean.
Later in the show.
But now it's time for the news.
Indeed. And... How can I put this?
Are you the sort of chap who likes the popular melodies from the big musicals?
Yes! Do you have a lot of scatter cushions around your flat?
Do you go out in a vest at night with a moustache?
-Are you well groomed? -Do you look like this man?
Well, we've got the car for you.
Here it is. It's called the Nissan Micra C+C, coupe plus cabriolet.
You'll love this. Come and look at this.
That's right up your street.
It goes with the face, hair and everything. You like that?
-Up my street. -Up your street.
Well, you're about to hear. Does it come with a hard top?
Oh! Yes, it does.
It comes with a metal folding roof, as is fashionable.
That's gonna cost less than £14,000. Coming out at Christmas.
-Coming out! Coming out! -(LAUGHTER)
It's already out.
The AA has launched a road map this week. I've got it here.
What makes this one different is that
they've featured in it every single speed camera location
in the country. Okay.
Hang on. Some people have been saying this week that this is a bad idea.
-But we've had a meeting and we've decided it isn't. -It isn't.
It's a brilliant idea. Does anyone live near Stoke-on-Trent here?
If you go from Stafford to Stoke...
Look, you've got speed camera...
speed camera, speed camera, speed camera, speed camera, speed camera.
-It's a joke. -That's the sort of information we need.
Exactly. 'Cause you can go up to Eccleshaw, then up here, no speed cameras at all up there.
See, how can knowing that not be a good idea?
That's a good idea. This is the road map we must all have.
Good news for rural inbreds this week.
Hummer, the people who make those enormous pseudo military off-roaders,
you know the sort of thing, they have come out with a new range
of aftershave and smelly stuff.
There it is. "Hummer"! It's the first name that springs to...
You wanna have a look at that? There you go. It's nice.
When you open the top, listen to the sound.
(IMITATES A BANJO)
-Eau de--banjo. -Guaranteed not to repel your sister.
"Splash it on and make him squeal like a piggy."
I think that's remarkable. A better tip, if you're thinking about this,
just wash instead. That'll be a better idea.
You'll love that.
Now, there's a new Mercedes S-Class. Here it is.
This actually is a very important car because as we know,
if you want to know what gadgetry will be on your car in ten years' time,
you look at this, 'cause this is where it all starts.
It is. The S-Class was the first to have anti-lock brakes, airbags,
first with traction control. It's always the first car to
-get the technology, yeah. -Always ahead for that stuff.
So what's that one got?
Infrared light's invisible, James.
But is it? We can't see it,
but the image from it is displayed on a screen in the car,
so, that means, as you're driving along at night,
you can see badgers hundreds of yards away.
So there's more chance of hitting them.
HAMMOND: I think avoiding is what they're thinking.
Avoiding. Yeah, I meant avoiding.
-What else? -Massage seats with four settings.
Ooh, so you can select "Happy Finishtronic". That'd be nice.
-I want the Vietnamese sandwich massage. -So do I.
What is it?
It's where the other seat covers itself in baby oil, then rolls on top of you,
and you get this thing going on as you're driving along.
Sounds a bit dangerous, to be honest, if you're driving.
Not in this car, though.
'Cause this car knows when you're going to have a crash.
-Really? How? -Yes.
It's got sensors and radars.
If you're going to hit something, it puts the brakes on,
and does an emergency stop
quicker, they say, than you could actually do it yourself.
And then, what about if something brakes and then sets off again?
-Then you'll set off again. -Automatically?
Yes, you don't need your legs.
You don't need legs at all? You just sit there... Oh, yes.
-Not having accidents all the way home? -Yes.
This is the car for me. Now, if you've got small children watching,
might I make a suggestion, please send them to bed?
Because what we've got coming up now is...
-Well, it's pornography, to be honest. -Yes. R-rated stuff.
We've had Nine Songs, 9 and 1/2 Weeks, and now this.
CLARKSON: Yep, this is the Alpha Romeo Brera,
and we think it may very well be
the best-looking car that money can buy today. What do you think? Yes?
Do you think so? Anyone got any better-looking cars that you can think of?
Aston Martin Vanquish.
You've come here with that hair to comment on style?
Right! Anybody else?
You've got a theory?
-Ford Mondeo? -(ALL LAUGHING)
-The best-looking car? In the world ever... -Yes. It is. It is.
...is a Ford Mondeo SD...
Your aspirations are pathetic, man!
Have you seen the lights... I mean, look at the way all this...
It's just gorgeous from every angle.
I mean, everything about it. Have you seen the door handles?
Look, it's all special bits.
I only have to imagine this in black with tan leather and I'm nursing a semi.
Yep. You could set up on one of those premium phone lines.
"Tell me about your Brera. Is it black? Tan leather?" It's too much.
It is. Have you seen inside this thing? Look!
It's got sat nav, telephone and buttons...
I mean, they'll all break, obviously, but God, that's amazing.
HAMMOND: It looks gorgeous.
You cannot be a true petrol-head until you've owned an Alpha,
until you've experienced that roller coaster of
pain and disappointment and agony
for the brief moment when everything works and you're on a nice road.
They are... Has anyone here got an Alpha?
"Yes." you see, human beings are way over there at the back.
They had to walk the last ten miles but the first ten were brilliant.
Absolutely. They are gorgeous cars.
You've never had one, though, have you?
No, but I think I might be about to.
Do you want to get some details on it?
-Go on. Yeah. -Price?
Starting at around £25,000.
-You're joking. -No.
-For something that looks like that? -I know.
£25,000 to £35,000, probably,
depending on what engine you have.
Engines, you've got 2.2 litre, 3.2 V6.
You can have a diesel if you're the sort of person
who thinks the Mona Lisa should have a moustache.
-It's down a bit. -It's down a bit. But nevertheless...
It's just magnificent.
I'd love to meet someone who looks at this and goes,
"No, I think I'll have a BMW, actually."
'Cause I think now we have a new definition of insanity.
Someone who could buy one of these and then buys something else.
Right. Our quest continues to find the greatest driving song of all time.
We're down to the final five. Here's this week's candidate.
(BORN TO BE WILD--PLAYING)
MAY: Our second finalist is one of the all-time great American rock songs.
# Get your motor runnin'
# Head out on the highway
# Lookin' for adventure
-- # And whatever -- comes our way...
Released in 1968,
during troubled times, Born To Be Wild became an anthem
-- for every biker -- and every rebel
-- who'd had enough of -- being told what to do.
# Like a true nature's child
-- # We were born, -- born to be wild
# We can climb so high
# I never wanna die
# Born to be wild
-- Americans like their driving -- a certain way.
-- An empty road, a big horizon -- and no bends.
# Get your motor running...
And--Born To Be Wild, the first song to use the phrase "heavy metal",
-- is the perfect soundtrack -- for this backdrop.
# ...whatever comes our way
-- # Yeah, darlin', -- gonna make it happen...
-- It may not work as well -- on the A412 into Slough.
-- But just close -- your eyes and imagine.
Well, actually, don't close your... You know what I mean.
-- # We were born, -- born to be wild
-- # We can climb so high -- I never wanna die #
So, to vote for Steppenwolf, you telephone 09011 986363.
That call will cost you 10p. You can also do it on the interweb,
You can vote for any song at any time
but I should warn you that research has recently revealed
that voting for Meat Loaf means you are statistically twice as likely
to have no mates!
That is true, actually.
Anyway, we must now move on and meet our guest.
He really is the voice of the nation.
He's the man we turn to in moments of solemnity and gravity,
times of change, times of crisis.
And tonight we've got him driving round an airfield
in a small, cheap Japanese hatchback.
Ladies and gentlemen, David Dimbleby!
Have a seat.
The master himself,
the master is among us.
You really are a part of a broadcasting dynasty, aren't you?
Um, there have been other people in my family who've been broadcasters, yes.
Your brother on ITV, and your father,
he pretty much started BBC Radio news, didn't he?
He did start BBC Radio news.
So, are your kids going into broadcasting?
Because by the time they get into TV, it's just going to be...
-Britain's Heaviest Paving Slab. -Yes.
and Britain's Muddiest Golfball,--and it'll all just be rubbish.
-No, it will never be like that. -You don't think so?
We've been doing this A Picture of Britain--thing, and it's had a fan...
I've been in television 45 years,
I've never had... You never know whether a thing's gonna work or not,
And this has suddenly hit the bull's eye.
So things... It means people like serious programming.
Which, as far as I can work out,
mostly involves driving down
really beautiful, empty roads. Bit unrealistic!
If I may be so... I don't know where you got that idea from!
But we were doing lyrical, you see, we wanted it to look
calming and reassuring.
The reason I chose this car was it was just unobtrusive, the Land Rover.
We've got it here, actually.
DIMBLEBY:I'm amazed it arrived in one piece!
CLARKSON: I was looking at your one this morning.
It is hysterical when you look at the engineering on it.
"Well, we need some hinges for this back door.
"There's some from my garden gate, they're hinges, they'll do."
-Every single bit of it... -The drive shaft fell off on the motorway,
the front tyre blew on the motorway,
the, um, what do you call that, brake?
-Handbrake. -.Handbrake broke.
-Didn't work at all. -You can always put it in gear.
And the nice thing is, when you're driving around in the car,
we did a lot of it in the winter,
the rain comes in, and the snow comes in,
and you're sitting there and you feel you're out in the open air.
So, are you one of these people that thinks that
roads have somehow spoiled the countryside?
I don't know, really. I mean, I'll tell you one way they've spoilt it,
which is, if you go...
We went to places where painters had been, you know, 200 years ago.
And the scene would be exactly as it was 200 years ago,
but there would be this hum all the time and it would be...
This was in Kent, in fact, and it was the motorway to Dover.
Dual carriageways make just this constant noise.
But they are beautiful. To watch a motorway snaking...
The M6, when it snakes through, if you get an aerial shot,
snakes through the Lake District,
that is one of the most... They're wonderful pieces of engineering, motorways.
Somebody once described the M1 to me.
He said, "Imagine it as a skyscraper, 200 miles tall,
"but lying on its side." That's how complicated they are.
I mean, I just look at them and think,
"Much better than anything on either side."
But you don't... (LAUGHS)
So you'd like to set up your picnic table in the middle of the motorway?
Slightly off to one side.
Why don't people get out of their cars when they do reach a place?
'Cause that's disconcerting to me.
I think the statistic is
that they don't move more than 200 yards, on average, from the car.
--Anyway, going back to -- Picture of Britain,
you've had, I understand, a number of complaints
about the way you drove your Land Rover.
Because of talking. You see, I use my hands when I talk.
And the cameraman's sitting beside you, like where you are.
Driving along, "The thing about Shropshire is... Whoops!"
Changing gear and going on talking.
You're not big on safety, are you?
I don't believe in what I call safety fascism.
We had a car, we've just got rid of it,
which I think is one of your favourites,
which is a Volvo...
-The big... -The XC90.
It was so soft and rolly and no acceleration,
but the thing that really irritated us,
if you didn't put your seatbelt on, it turned the radio down
until you put your seatbelt on! Can you believe that?
You're listening to the news,
"Here is the news with so-and-so."
"The Prime Minister has announced..."
What's happened? Put your seatbelt on.
-How far would the Vikings have got... -Yes.
...if they had to put their seatbelts on in their longboats?
"We're going raping and pillaging. And careful with that axe."
How dare they tell me what to do in my car?
No, you're being foolish now, which is not unknown, but you are...
-You're being very foolish... -I'm using hyperbole.
Oh! You're being clever, then?
Yes! See, there's a big difference.
Can I talk about your car history?
Because we have a number of people come on,
and mostly they've had very boring cars.
You have the best, most interesting car history, frankly, of anybody.
Because you had a Lancia Fulvia, an NSU RO80,
-a Jensen Interceptor and a Bristol. -Yeah.
This is what is interesting. I'm looking at your list of cars, okay?
Normally there's a link.
I look back at the list of the cars I've owned over the years,
they've all had good engines. That was really it, the engines.
Yours have no link other than they are quite unreliable.
The Interceptor was not unreliable, except for one minor flaw,
which was that it had one of the early electric roofs
-that went down like that. -Yeah.
And this is when I got rid of it, I have to say.
When it started raining, you pushed the button, and the thing was meant to go...
(MIMICS CLICK SOUND)
And I had three friends in it and it started raining, in Scotland, it really rained.
And I pushed the button and the roof went...
(MIMICS MECHANICAL SOUND)
And that was that!
And I thought, "That's not good."
'Cause I can see now why you chose the Land Rover for...
---No. For the unreliability. -Picture of Britain?--Oh, yes.
"The drive shaft's gone, I'm used to this.
"I'm used to engines going and drive shafts coming out!"
The Sunbeam Alpine was fine, the BMWs I've had have been fine.
The Lancia was terrific.
Was it? That was a pretty car.
I had a Mini, that was good.
They're pretty cars.
That was one of the things, they are pretty, yes.
Today, of course, you drove a car that wasn't so pretty.
-What was this? -The Suzuki Liana!
Oh, yes, I didn't like to ask its name!
The little blue car that you've been driving around the track.
I don't think it's got much of a second-hand value,
I have to say, after I've been at it.
How was it, enjoyable?
I thought it was absolutely fascinating.
We went round and round and gradually I learnt things I never knew.
The start, you accelerate 4,500 revs,
and then just lift your foot off the clutch, boom! It was very exciting.
-Shall we see how that worked out? -Badly!
-AUDIENCE: Yes! -Let's have a look at the lap. Here we go.
CLARKSON: I see what you mean! That's what's called a dumped.
This is very tricky, me having to commentate on your lap
in front of possibly the world's greatest commentator.
And so, as the trumpets play...
CLARKSON: It's what to leave out, really, that's the key, isn't it?
It's not to talk all the time. Chicago, there.
-Hammerhead. -I was fighting.
This is the difficult... I love this, the chicanes.
That's very good. Actually, you did that beautifully.
DIMBLEBY: This is the frightening one where you just keep going. Look, there.
CLARKSON: That's why we call it the follow-through
because that's what can happen.
And this also is... Yes!
Do you know what? David, you had the back wheel off the ground!
-Look! -Oh, bugger!
And then kept it together. Missed the apex. That was looking so fast.
And you're across the line now.
I think you speed up the film.
I promise we don't speed up the film.
And also, that was your fastest lap, even with the off.
-Yeah. -So where do you think you've come?
I've been driving a 55mph Land Rover for the past nine months.
So, I don't think I would have gone very fast. I would say I was in...
If I was at the top end of the bottom third, that's where I would be.
Top end of the bottom third?
-You've done better than that. -Have I?
You've done better than that.
I suspect that if you hadn't had that off on that lap
and gone onto the grass,
you'd have been really very high up.
As it was, because you went off,
unfortunately, but nevertheless, still a good time.
One minute 52 seconds dead.
-(LOUD APPLAUSE) -So you are...
You are as fast as Jordan!
I'm as fast as Jordan! A bit faster than Jordan.
You're the same speed as Jordan, Rick Parfitt,
-Eddie Izzard and Dr... -It's not very good.
I promise you, if you hadn't done that, that was such a quick lap.
That is a time about which you can be proud.
Just try to stay on the track next time.
-Ladies and gentlemen, David Dimbleby! -Thank you very much.
Thank you very much.
Now, Aston Martin has brought out a racing version of its DB9,
-and it's actually doing all right. -It is, yeah.
-Won in America, it won... -Silverstone.
Ran out of petrol at Le Mans.
Still, it now has the chance to redeem itself on our track,
which means we must hand it over to our tame racing driver.
Some say he naturally faces magnetic north and that all his legs are hydraulic.
All we know is that he's called The Stig.
--CLARKSON: -- It's called the DBR9,
has an all-carbon fibre body,
-- so it weighs nearly a ton -- less than the standard DB9,
-- and yet its V12 chucks out -- 600 brake horsepower.
-- The result is 0 to 60 -- in 3.4 seconds.
-- And now, let's see -- what that sounds like...
-- Ooh, pretty fantastic, -- I'd say,
as The Stig spears off the line with plenty of wheelspin.
-- First corner, -- gently on the way in there.
-- Then hard on the power, -- cornering absolutely flat.
Oh, dear! The DBR9 has no stereo so no prog rock!
Look at it, through Chicago with no drama at all.
-- Bouncing on the way -- into the Hammerhead.
-- Slow in again, -- and here comes the power.
Ooh, that's what I'm talking about. That is amazing!
That's not 200 miles an hour on the speedo, 'cause this car is in euros.
Very quick through the tyres. This is really fast, I have to say.
-- He's turning in now, -- downforce working with him.
Coming up to Gambon. If he gets that one right, we're on for a quick time.
-Any guess? What do you reckon? -1.18.
1.18. He reckons one minute 18, this chap.
The actual time was 1 minute 8 seconds!
That's how fast that thing is!
You can't buy this car, so it has no place on our board.
-Aw. -Sorry, it's gone.
But he's right though. Those are the rules.
However, you can buy one of these,
this is the DBRS9 and it's a sort of ready-made racer.
You buy one of these, you are an Aston Martin racing driver.
The car we've just seen on the track,
that was the full chicken vindaloo.
This is more a chicken madras.
Yeah, exactly. You only get two chilies with this one,
but you still get 550 horsepower,
and you still get carbon-fibre bodywork.
Absolutely. With an aluminium roof.
He said, being pedantic. But never mind. How much is it?
So it's this or a bungalow!
Now, if you've just joined us, Top Gear--tonight is staging a race
from London to Oslo, I know it's a popular commuter route.
Anyway, James and I flew from London to Newcastle and hopped on a ferry
across the North Sea to Norway.
It's the sensible thing to do. Jeremy was attempting to beat us
by driving a McLaren Mercedes all the way, that's through eight countries,
an amazing 1,300 miles.
When we left the action, James and I were tucked up safely asleep on our ferry
still steaming across the North Sea.
Jeremy was slumped exhausted in his car trying to grab a few Zs,
in a motorway service station car park just outside Copenhagen.
Now, we pick up the story at dawn.
--CLARKSON: -- I've got it all to do now.
After my cramped, cold sleep in the car, I'd lost the lead,
-- and had to build it up -- all over again.
Pedal to the metal!
Well, that is a beautiful, beautiful, beautiful bridge.
Scrambled eggs with smoked salmon? That's a bit poncey.
Toast with fried eggs, bacon and onion. Just tea.
(MOBILE PHONE RINGING)
-- -Yes, hello. ---How are you?
Fine. Slight hangover, but, you know.
How are you?
I've had a sleep. Well, when I say a sleep,
sitting up in the freezing cold
with a head full of stimulants.
Well, we're not far from docking.
-- -Where are you? ---I am south of Gothenburg.
Well, good luck. Keep going and we'll see you there.
Just, please try not to beat me 'cause I couldn't bear it.
(CHUCKLES) Okay. Bye.
If I lose this,
I'll be suicidal.
-- The map shows the scale -- of my problem, however.
They were docking in Norway
-- and I still had 350 miles -- of Sweden to cover.
It all depended on how they would get from Kristiansand to Oslo.
It's 9:00 local time.
Jeremy is going very quick.
But we have a plan. You're going to like this.
It's going to be good!
Time to unleash our secret weapon.
What we have here is essentially a racing powerboat
with two 370 horsepower engines.
That adds up to more than Jeremy's got.
This is our secret weapon.
He's in so much trouble.
-I think I might have Norwegian wood! -Hey!
HAMMOND: We only had a short hop up a fjord ahead of us.
-- Victory, it seemed certain, -- was ours.
How do I sum up this car?
Cruise control, electric seats, air conditioning,
CD auto-changer, and it does 208 miles an hour.
And it hasn't put a foot wrong,
hasn't missed a beat.
Any other super car, there's always a sense,
every five seconds it's going to break down.
What was that noise? What was that? What's that judder?
This, though, just pounds on.
Clarkson, it's May. Where are you?
I'm in the pouring rain somewhere in Sweden, I don't know.
Where are you?
We've just taken a small local boat
from Kristiansand to Oslo.
-What is it? -It's got several hundred horsepower,
I think it's what you call a big powerboat.
Is he dead?
We have now done 30 nautical miles
and there's 120 to go,
and they just told us it might get rough. Ha-ha!
If this looks fun, it isn't.
CLARKSON: Nevertheless, they were in an 80-mile-an-hour boat
-- with no speed limits -- to worry about,
-- while I was -- in a 200-mile-an-hour car,
-- and could only drive -- at 60-ish.
To win this race,
I was going to need a miracle.
-- And that's exactly -- what I got.
HAMMOND: Oh, God, look at it.
-I can't believe this. -We've got engine trouble.
-I think we have to change the boats. -We've got to what?
We've got to go in that boat?
(MOBILE PHONE RINGS)
That's the boys!
---Hello? -- -Hello?
Hello, how's things?
Well, we broke one boat, calamity, but we're not giving up,
we're going in the chase boat.
We've all squashed into it, it's damn near as fast as the big one.
Whoa, whoa! What do you mean, you've lost a boat?
We've broken it. The engine's blown up and it's sinking.
This thing is small and very, very loud.
Oh, dear, what a shame!
We're going to carry on. We'll see you in Oslo. Bye!
What a rotten bit of luck.
This is actually less comfortable than the other boat,
Whoa! Oh! Oh!
I'll get the window down in here, 'cause I love to hear the noise.
CLARKSON: Their breakdown and the rough sea had allowed me to catch up.
It looked like we were heading for a classic Top Gear photo-finish.
-- But then I hit -- the Norwegian border.
I've been expecting this. Single-track road
all the way, pretty much, to Oslo.
--SAT NAV: -- Now turn right.
Don't be stupid.
-- Still, they were -- having problems, too.
Mr Hammond is unwell.
(MOBILE PHONE RINGS)
-- -Hello, Clarkson, it's May. ---May, how's things?
Not good, I'm afraid.
We're in the middle of the sea, it's very rough,
the driver's been sick,
I think Hammond's dead.
-Oh, that's a rotten bit of luck. -It is.
We're freezing to death. Oh, Hammond's come round. Hello.
Well, thanks for the call and the update.
-- I wish you -- all the best of luck.
Oh, well, we'll stick at it. We're gonna have to go and refuel,
because the sea is so rough that the engine's using more fuel
than it would normally.
---All right, take care. -- -Okay. Stick at it.
It's very cold, but we're still in it!
We're still in the race!
--HAMMOND: I didn't know -- where we were,
-- but we did know -- Jeremy was only 50 miles
-- from the finishing -- post in Oslo.
Got to beat those boys.
I have got to beat them, somehow.
HAMMOND: Knowing he'd be determined, we gave the boat everything,
-- thinking that lightning -- couldn't strike twice.
But, of course, it did.
Our rib had burst. We had to get to dry land fast.
Core temperature's dropping, hypothermia's setting in.
Boat's broken at the front, engine's knackered,
we're running out of fuel, the sea's too rough, it's freezing cold,
the weather's coming in...
Should we just jump overboard and end it quickly?
Bloody tempting, mate.
Sentrum--must mean centre.
I got it.
HAMMOND: We arrived in a town, didn't know which one,
-- knowing that -- we'd have to get a bus.
-(MIMICS ENGINE RUNNING) -Yes.
And some money.
Let me have a go.
No, I'm going to do it.
We've been through a lot together today, shall we not fall out now?
Look for the large sculpture of a hand pointing.
Ah, there's no hand doing anything!
They'll be here! What hand?
Where are they?
Where are they?
--CLARKSON: -- They weren't there.
They weren't even close.
Jeremy, how are ya? Where are ya?
I'm well. But, well, let's cut to the chase,
I'm here and have been for some time.
-- So I'm afraid -- the race is done.
But I gather that you've got some serious problems.
Um, yeah, we've broken two boats,
the rib burst when we hit a particularly big wave,
so we're now wandering around I have no idea where,
-looking for a bus, I suppose. -(LAUGHS)
How far away are you, do you think, from Oslo?
To be honest, I don't really know.
Listen, honestly, I shall be thinking of you, and, um, take care.
-Okay, thank you. We will. Bye. -See you later.
He's there, mate.
What's the Norwegian for "Oh, cock"?
I thought I'd had a bad day, but, oh, no!
HAMMOND: What the hell do we do now? MAY: Get a taxi.
-HAMMOND: Not allowed. -Still, I don't need to run, though, do I?
HAMMOND: No, I guess not! I can't see much point!
Thank you. Can I just say, though...
Can I just say, when we were 50 miles from Oslo
we were neck and neck, absolutely neck and neck.
I made it to Oslo, flew home and was halfway through supper
before these guys arrived at the finishing point.
-That's how badly it went wrong for them. -Yeah.
I have to say, it was the end. We don't even know what that place was called.
The town. No idea! Just a place.
Freezing cold, nobody spoke English to us and we had no money.
No! Then there was a cashpoint that was unbelievable, it said,
"5,000 kroner." How much is that?
Do I buy a pencil sharpener or a car with that?
All I know is that's more than he had,
because when he asked for that, it said,
"insufficient funds available",
which didn't go down well.
What we have proved, though, I think, is that if you let someone else
take charge of your journey, as we did...
-At any point. -...it goes wrong.
The thing is, though, that, on this occasion, I have to say,
my victory was, frankly, a hollow one.
The car was great. It made it to Oslo easily.
I could've beaten them in a Vauxhall Astra.
But, after 24 hours, I was absolutely wasted in there.
So, really, that's what we have to say,
the weak point of the modern car
-is the squidgy organic bit behind the wheel. -Yeah.
Me, basically. And on that bombshell, we have to end.
See you again next week. Goodnight.