Top Gear (2002–…): Season 6, Episode 4 - Episode #6.4 - full transcript

Jeremy reviews the Cadillac CTS-V, and The Stig takes it for a lap of the test track. Richard tests the new BMW 3-Series on the M4 corridor. The presenters' mothers compare three new small ...

--CLARKSON: Tonight, I test the  -- Cadillac CTSV.

-- Hammond tests the new  -- BMW 3 Series.

And we get three old ladies   to test some small cars   because

we couldn't be bothered.

Hello! Now, this time of year,  a lot of people  are getting married.

And there's a lot to think  about, the invitations,  the venue, the Brazilian.

(CROWD LAUGHS)  You know, for the honeymoon.

Uh, so it's easy to overlook  the most important thing.

Is the bridal car powerful  enough to jump over the whole  wedding party?

Here we have a wedding scene.

This is one of those  American-style  outdoor wedding ones, so...

Here are the chairs for the congregation, the arch, the gazebo,

and here's the cake.

And this is the car park.

-- This is where the guests  -- will stay.

And here's the ramp.

-- So this is a serious leap  -- for the wedding car.

-- We're going to need a serious  -- nuptial machine for the job.

-- And here it is...  -- Yep, a stretch limo.


It's a 1984 Lincoln town car

with a 10-foot stretch   and the desirable   five-litre V8 engine.

Oh, this is the high life,  velour.

It smells of... Asti Spumante.

It may have done a few   weddings   and then nights--,

but the suspension's still in tip-top form. Anyway...

-- Let's get down to the hard -- science of the jump.

The limo weighs three tonnes,

so if our wedding driver  is to stand a chance  of clearing these

and this and this and these,

the 26-foot town car will have to be doing 60mph

when it launches from this ramp.

-- So, there we go.  -- Everything's ready.

And they're off!

I wonder where  it's going to land.

That's one hell of a run-up!

Here comes the bride. Will her limo make it?

It's leap now, or forever  be smashed to pieces.


Top Gear.


Really a Top Gear Top Tip there.

I think you'll find if you're  planning on  jumping a party,

any party, don't use  a stretched Lincoln.

-Yeah, that's good piece of advice. -Yeah.

Can I point out that  we are aware that  that wasn't the most mature

opening with what we've done  to the show.

But we did that on purpose. We started with that

because the show started  later at 9:00 p.m.

and we thought kids  might like that.

So if you're seven, you can go to bed now, because

the rest of the show's just full of really boring grown-up stuff.

-Not all of it, actually.  -We're doing the news now.  So...

-That's what I'm thinking of.  You know why.  -(LAUGHING)

-I know where this  is going. Don't I? -I'm gonna do it.


Indeed, the news. And this just in  from Vauxhall.

It seems like... I can tell you that...

That doesn't matter.  Because there's only one  big bit of news this week.

Uh, now. Jeremy,  where are you? Come on in,  there is no point...

-I'm not coming out!  -There is point for  all of this man...

I'm not coming out!  We're going to talk about...

--You will remember last week on  -- Top Gear.

We saw Jeremy's new car.

His Ford GT finally arrived.  He's very proud of it.

Who'd like to see what happened when Jeremy set off for home in it

-after the show. Who would  like to see it?  -ALL: Yeah!

Yeah, that's  the right decision.

Have a look at this.  Here he is.

You can see he's not actually moving at all,

and there's  a very good reason for that.

It's a day old.


And you push  the engine start button...


Check the engine.

-- What you'll notice -- here is that...

-- James is helping me -- try to mend it

-while I am on the phone   to Ford.  -James May is...

-- And Hammond, -- what did he do to help?

He went home.


I'll see you next week. Yeah.

Yeah. Enjoy the car.

My little Morgan functioning perfectly.

You look quite sad there.


And a bit cross.

CLARKSON: It's not funny! HAMMOND: It is.

And the crew were laughing   at you, not with you.   I want you to know that.

-- You had to put the car away,  -- but it wasn't that bad

-- because you did get transport  -- home eventually.



A Toyota Corolla Verso.

-That is enough to get me home. -Yeah.

-Not quite the stylish exit you had hoped for was it? -No.

Did you read in the papers  this week about short people?

It was in all the stories, basically.

You're rubbish in bed  and useless at work.


Come on,  don't get off the subject.  What was wrong?

It was the immobilizer. The car's fine.

Okay, it was the immobilizer,  you know that plipper thing...

It wouldn't un-immobilize  the engine.

So it had to go back to Ford.

-Did it? And then  they fixed it?  -Yes.

Yes, and then they brought it  back and the night  they bought it back

two days later,  at 3:00 in the morning,  the alarm went off.

No! Oh!

And then again at 4:00.

And then the next night at 11:00.

Did it wake you up?  Yeah.

And the kids?  Yeah.

And the dogs? Oh!  Yes.

So what's the... (ALL LAUGHING)

This is when it gets  really good, okay?

I had to take it back to Ford  because the alarm keeps  blowing for no reason.

So on my way back, it has got one of those tracker  things on it, you know,

if somebody steals it  automatically sends  out an SOS.

They rang me up, the tracking  people and they said your  car has been stolen.


While you're in it?

"Yeah, no it's all right.  I'm in it."

So after a while they rang me  up and said "Your car's  been stolen.

"And what's your password?"

Who knows their password?  Does anyone here  know their password?

I said, "I don't know."  And they can remotely  shut the car down.


"If you shut this  down, I'm going to come there  and eat your heart."

I had no idea what  my password was.

Did he stop it? No, he didn't.

I finally got it back to Ford  and picked it up again.

Yesterday, last night...

-So, finally it's mended!  Hoorah!  -No!


You're joking!

I'm not. I'm not.

Got it this morning  to come down here...  Ring-ring.

"Your car's been stolen."


"It hasn't..." And then again.  Honestly, I've got my  phone here.

Okay, I've got the phone. They send you a text, okay, when it's been stolen.

Look at this, okay. Read.  Look at that.

"Theft alert.  The car was stolen  at 8.49 a.m...

"8:22 a.m... 7:22 a.m..."


-It was stolen five times  on the way here. Five times.  -That's unfortunate.

-So, they're gonna  fix it eventually? -Yes.

If you don't mend it,  I'm gonna bone your dog.


-"He's taken all the bones  out of my dog!"  -(ALL LAUGHING)

-But they gave you  a courtesy car. Didn't they?  -Yes!

They gave me a courtesy car!  Here is my Ford,

it's broken,  I thought, "It'll be a DB 9."

I mean, you know...  Range Rover.

No! It was a Focus Estate  with a diesel engine!


I love that!

Two years' wait  for a Focus Estate diesel!

A big alarm clock.  Oh! Right.

James, any more news?  Is it anything  to do with my Ford?

Yes, it's that time of  year again. Time for the   Top Gear--motoring survey.

Now, we really do genuinely  need your help with this.

Last year it was the biggest  survey ever of its kind,  54,000 people.

But of course that only  happens if you take part.

We want to hear from you  if you have a car  registered between

2002 on an 02 plate,

and 2004 on a 53 plate. That's very important.

We want to know everything  about the car,  if it breaks down,

whether or not the  immobiliser doesn't work.

Yeah, yeah!  (HAMMOND LAUGHS)

Whether or not your dealer has got B.O. and that sort of thing.

Log on. (READING)

You can use your experience to  help someone avoid making  the mistake of buying...

What? Yes, exactly!

A Ford GT.

Now, you know small car ads that you see...


You know everyone abbreviates everything? Well, apparently don't.

Because a survey  this week found  that most people

don't know what these  abbreviations mean, like ICE,  you know.

In-car entertainment.  TNT.

Taxed and tested, okay?  Well, things are  going to get a lot worse.

Because acronyms are really  coming into the world of cars.

You know traction control?  Yes.

-You'd expect that to be TC.  But oh, no!  -Yeah...


-Porsche stability  management.  -Oh, yeah.

BMW got two, DFC and DTC.

Toyota have got VFC.  Anyone know what ESP  stands for?

It stands for  electronic stability  programme.


Park distance control.

Great haircut.  Wow!

The essence of it is  that from now on,

with all these acronyms  around, the small car ads  are going to be impossible.

-No way on earth. -You won't know what they're on about.

I've written one for a BMW. "For sale.

"BMW 528. 19K, VGC.



-"PDC, DTC, DSC, £15,000." -Nice.



Ah, right.  I'd like, if I may,

to talk about Cadillac,  part of history.

They started off making kind of big black stuff with

running boards  for gangsters to stand on.

Ah, then it started making  very long pink cars

with enormous fins  on the back.

For the last few years,  it's been making  horrible slushmobiles

for little old ladies  in Florida.

Now, they've announced  they've made a sports saloon.

And here it is.

-- For a whopping £45,000  -- the Cadillac CTSV.

-- The styling was done by  -- someone who only had a ruler.

-- And the interior's  -- a mass of man-made fibres.

But the firepower comes from   the same V8 that   you get in a Corvette.

So, it's an old person's car   with a hammer   under the bonnet.

That said,  it is quite a big hammer.

Not clever or sophisticated,   but you do get 400-brake   horsepower.

-- That means  -- 0-60 in 4.3 seconds.

-- And because there's no real  -- green movement in America,

-- there's no electronic nanny  -- limiting the top speed.

So, unlike a Mercedes

or a BMW, which runs into the electronic buffers at 155,

this will keep going  all the way to...

We're about to find out, actually.

That's 200kph in fourth.

Got up to a redline. Now, going up to fifth.

163 miles an hour.

What exactly do you mean  "Kyoto Summit?"

-- There are other examples  -- of this American-ness too.

For instance, in most cars,  all the buttons have symbols  on them.

So you know what  everything does.

But in this, everything's  written in English.

Because of course,  the whole world  speaks English, doesn't it?

And I hate the way it bongs every time you do anything.  I mean, look...

-(BONGING)  -It bongs to tell me I've just  turned on the ignition.

And of course it bongs  if you take your seatbelt off.


Same bong  as the ignition bong.

That could be confusing.

I think it even bongs  if you've been breathing out  for a long

time to remind you  it's time to breathe in again.

So, of course, it bongs when  you open the door.


I know the door is open!  There's a gap!  That's how I got out!

So, as it sits there   bonging away, you are   undoubtedly thinking

-- that this is just another  -- American car.

Fast in a straight line,

-- but absolutely useless  -- at everything else.

Actually, don't be so sure.

Because the CTSV was developed

after someone at Cadillac  came across what in America

is a very rare book.

It's called an atlas.

-- In it they found strange  -- and exotic places

that were not America.

-- And one of these places was  -- a continent called Europe.

-- And in Europe, they found  -- a country called Germany.

-- And in Germany they found  -- something called

The Nurburgring.

-- This is where the new Cadillac -- was developed.

This is where they tuned its   handling and its ride   and its steering.

-- And now,  -- they are saying the CTSV

handles like a European car.


I'm... No, no... I'm sure it can handle

like a European car.

In the same way that  Keanu Reeves can do  an English accent.

Right up to the moment  where he calls someone "dude."

(LAUGHING)  European handling!

-- To test their theory  -- we brought along an Audi S4,

-- which has a 4.2-litre V8  -- and four-wheel drive.

-- It's a good benchmark,  -- but unfortunately, its driver

had become bored with waiting.



Stiggy! Wakey-wakey!

Listen, we're going  to do a race. Okay.

You're going  to drive the Audi.

And see if you can get past the Cadillac.


You think that's gone in?

Well, we'll have to find out,  I suppose.


Ooh, bad start,  but it doesn't matter

because I've got  all the power here.

He's right up behind me  through the corner, but...

I am just leaving him for dead  on the straight.

Absolutely leaving  him for dead!

This is where  you'd expect the Audi

to come barrelling up behind  and just sail by.

Grip, sophistication.

And yet, no!  And yet, somehow, no.

This is astonishing, an Audi Quattro

with a V8 and a Stig in it,

and he cannot get past.

I'm driving a Cadillac that actually handles.

Holy mother!

How is that possible?

-- Actually,  -- it's easy to explain.

Most American cars  drive you 'round the bend.

But this one actually  drives you

'round the bend.


Soundtrack's not bad either.

Listen to that!

-- This car is fun, -- balanced, taut,

-- and on top of that,  -- it's very well-equipped.

I've got buttons  on the rear-view mirror,

I've got buttons  for opening the garage door

on the sun visor, I've got buttons on the steering wheel.

I've even got a little read-out here

which tells me how much G  I'm generating in the bends.

Mmm. Not sure about that one.

I'm not sure that if you're going 'round a corner fast enough

to generate some meaningful G,

you should really be looking  at a little read-out...

On the dashboard. Woah! Come on.

Stop retching, cameraman.

Oh, you...  You've been sick!

-- For drivers,  -- this is a great car.

But there are a few problems.


Shut up!

It's too big.

It's too expensive.

The gearbox is rubbish.

-- And it's only available  -- with left-hand drive.

But the worst thing is that it doesn't feel like a quality product.

There's nothing   you can put your finger   on, it just feels cheap.

You could liken it, really, to one of those Steven Seagal films.

Lots of explosions, lots of people get kicked in the face.

But somehow the movie doesn't  have the depth or  the texture of...

Die Hard--, or The Terminator--.

I like this car, I really do.

It's far too good   for the old ladies   of Fort Lauderdale.

But because of this cheapness,

-- it's not quite  -- good enough for us.


There is another one too,  as well.  It is quite ugly.

It is quite ugly.

It is quite ugly.


The thing is, though,  if you have got  your heart set on,

like, a big, four-seater,  V8 muscle-car  from the colonies...


-Have one of these.  -Exactly.  This is the Vauxhall Monaro,

got exactly the same  Corvette V8 engine  as the Cadillac.

But it's not American,  it's from Australia.

And the great thing about that

is that because  the Australians still

recognise the authority of the Queen,

the steering wheel is on  the correct side of the car.

Yeah, there is one thing  I have to say, though,  about the Monaro.

It does have  a very cheap feel inside,  just like the Cadillac...

But that's because this is cheap.

I mean, they've just lowered  the price now, to £29,000.

29,000 for a V8 muscle-car.

That is just such good value.

£16,000 less than that.

I know, I know. Remarkable.

Er... So, really,  we've got another   Top Gear--Top Tip.

-If you want a Cadillac,  buy a Vauxhall.  -(LAUGHTER)

Um... No, wait a minute.  We haven't finished.

We have to find out how fast  the Cadillac goes 'round  our track...

Which means we have  to hand it over  to our tame racing driver.

Some say he is illegal in 17 US states

and he blinks this way.

All we know is  he's called The Stig.


And away he goes.   It is soaking wet   out there today.

So, will this American weapon   kill The Stig   with friendly fire?

Through the first corner. Look as the standing water there.

-- Holding it together, though,  -- very nicely.


Mmm!   Prog rock from Camel there,  Down on the Farm.

Right, coming through Chicago.

-- Keeping it together. -- Treacherous conditions.

Back-stepping out   a little bit on the exit.   Coming up to hammerhead.

Nose-heavy car,   so I'd expect   a lot of under steer here.

-- But The Stig's  -- thought about that...

The answer is lashings   of throttle and   power over steer.

Well done, Stiggy.

-- Now, through follow through.  -- Will he keep his foot down?


I don't know what brave pills   he takes, but they're not   available on prescription!

Now, even with the traction   control off,   the Caddy's still trying

-- to use its brakes to stop  -- the car sliding.

-- And of course,  -- The Stig needs no such help.

-- But will the annoying  -- computers hurt his time?

There he is, across the line.

I have the time here,

and it is 1.33.4...

Which is kind of down there.

Now, this is the  interesting thing, look.

The Monaro, also in the wet,  1.33.9.

So, half a second quicker  than a Vauxhall.

But is it?  Because it's not over there.

You can now get that car  with a six-litre version  of that same engine.

It's a bit more expensive.  I think it's about  It's about 37,000.

Yes, still eight grand less than the Cadillac.

And we're having that  in in a few weeks.

And I would like to predict that that will be a bit reversed.

It will. Yep, the Monaro will be back in front.

Anyway, we've now got to move on.

And I found out  only this morning

that Iran is the most  dangerous country in the world

for driving and that's  a convenient thing,  because our guest tonight

bills himself as Britain's  funniest Iranian comedian.

Ladies and gentlemen,  Omid Djalili.


Take care. Give us a call.

How are you? Have a seat.

Good to see you.

-Fixing up a bit  of business there?  -We're all mates here...

So, now, of course,  you're not just a comedian.

You are an actor as well.

That's right.

You've appeared in a huge  number of American films.

The Spy Game--and... Bond.


Which Bond was it?

-The World Is Not Enough.  -That was the one  with Sophie Marceau in it.

Yeah. I played...  A lot of people said to me,

"Don't you get typecast as  an Arab scumbag specialist?"

But I always point out that in the Bond movie,

I was the second Azerbaijani  oil pipe attendant,

-which was a major departure for me! -(ALL LAUGHING)

And, oh,  then there was Gladiator.

-Yes.  -So, you got to work  in Oliver Reed's last film.

Yeah.  Was it fun working with him?

A lot of fun.  There's a bit  where he had to grab my balls.

And he said,  "Are you... Are you a method?"

I said, "Yes."  "You don't mind  if I really grab your balls?"

He put his hands and held my  balls, and when they said,  "Action..."

He held it, even when they cut, he still held onto my balls.


He did his five takes,  having a cup of tea.

I'm stood there  "Yes, Mr Oliver Reed!"  So it was just...

They wanted to see how many  takes he could do before...

Must have been a fun film!

It was!

And, so, you do bill yourself  as Britain's funniest  Iranian comedian.

Well, there was a joke I used  to do in my stand-up.

I was actually the only  Iranian comedian in the world

and that was three  more than Germany.


But... I did Germany, and that  joke didn't go down  very well at all.

They kept saying,  "That is not funny."  And, "Not logical.

"Because you are one,  and minus three, which makes  Germany in a deficit of two.

"I have a pie chart here... This will prove you wrong."  So...

Now, listen,  Iranian driving, I was  staggered to find this out.

Because I always thought India

-was the most dangerous country. -No, Iran's the worst.

-But Iran's the worst.  -They have the highest deaths,  I think.

-Is it something like  25,000 a year?  -Yeah.

I've got the Lonely Planet  guide, okay.

They say more than 25,000  people die every year  on the roads.

-25,000!  -I think actually...  Doesn't it...


The tourist guide does say  that a lot of road rage is

cars hitting pedestrians.

-And they suggest you go  around in groups of people...  -Yeah.

You know, because people  will be put off

because if they  crash into groups of people,

-it's more paperwork  at the police station.  -Yeah, is that so?

-So they try and avoid that.  -Individuals, no big deal,  just run them down.

Now, there's another one here,  which it says that  traffic lights,

you only stop if they're red  if there's a policeman  in the vicinity

and if he's got  a high-powered rifle.

Yes, that's it!  (LAUGHTER)

My dad always used to say to  me there's a way of dealing  with road rage.

Because it happens so much. So what you do, if you cut  someone off,

and then you get stopped,

if you open your window down  and get your first  words in quickly

with a bizarre comment, you're okay.

My dad cut someone off  and he said, "Watch this."

And you see the guy chasing,  he says, put the window down.

My dad said,  "You! It was you.  If it wasn't for you,

-"the Millennium Dome  would still be functioning."  -(ALL LAUGHING)

He said, "What?" He goes, "You know what you did."

He just drives off,  shaking his head.

"Yeah, if it wasn't for you,  Manchester would have  the Olympic Games in 2000!"

"You what?"  "You know what you did!"


Iranian cars...


There's only one, isn't there?  What is it? The "Paycan"?

Paykan. Paykan?

-It's the old Hillman Hunter.  -We've got a picture  of it here. There it is, look.

-Now, we kid you not, they  started making this in '60s...  -'67.

-'67. And only stopped  seven months ago.  -Yeah.

-Have you seen the safety  features listed for this? -No.

There are five, okay.  Five safety features.

And you know they're  struggling when one is  dipping rear-view mirror.


We're aware that it's a pile  of crap, but it's the only  car we have.

-What do they call  passengers in it?  -Shock absorbers.


I guess so.

See, what interests  me about this is that  George Bush, okay...

-He says Iran's next  on his hit list.  -Yeah.

-Because they've got  nuclear weapons. Is it...  -Yeah.

You can't worry about Iranian  nukes if that's their  idea of technology!


You can't. I should tell you,  we've got this Iranian...

One of our officials is very feisty.

He stood up to George Bush.

He goes, "Iran, they have to  give up their nuclear  weapons programme,

"and we'll do more  trade with Iran."

And this guy goes,  "That's great, okay why don't  Americans give up

"your nuclear weapons  and we'll send you

"20 trucks of pistachio nuts."  You know...


It's the same guy...  He's very lairy.  Apparently he was at the UN.

And it was quite funny.  They had these Americans and  English people sitting around,

and they're all boasting about their sons. And they were saying...

The American guy goes,  "My son got an  MBA from Harvard."

The English guy goes,  "I've got a son  with a BA and MA from Oxford."

Apparently, the official said,  "That's nothing.

"My son has the  BMW from Germany."


He really is an  Iranian politician?

-I like this guy...  -He's a bit feisty, he's a bit lairy.

-One of those...  -I kind of like the  sound of him.

Because, I won't go to  America any more.  I refuse, because...

Why not? Yeah.

Oh, customs... You know?

Look in your shoes.  "We need to see your eyes."

-Put them on a... Fingerprints... -(ALL LAUGHING)

You must have  awful trouble there.

I do, actually. I must say. I always have...

They threatened to  strip-search once, and I just said,

-"You won't find Bin Laden  in there." And, uh...  -(LAUGHTER)

And made them do it.  I thought I'd throw in a joke  so they wouldn't do it.

But they... I've never  actually had a strip-search,

but they  made me take off cloths,

and they happened... Oh!

-Romanian contact lenses!  There's...  -(ALL LAUGHING)

Anyway, your lap.

Oh, no! Oh, God!

Actually, you didn't look well  after you did it.

I felt very sick doing it.  I don't know why.  I was just...

That's twice, 'cause Jack Dee  came here the other day  and he was the same.

It's just, "Oh! I'm so ill. I don't know what I'm..." Is it comedians...

Well, I don't know.  I get fat and sweaty...  Well, I am fat and sweaty.

I think that's the problem. There's your answer.

Shall we see how you got on?

Oh, God! All right.

Yeah?  Shall we have a look?

AUDIENCE: Yes!  Okay, play the tape.



-CLARKSON:   What's with all this?   -Too slow, look at that.

-CLARKSON: No, that's good,   actually, that's very good.  -Watch it!

CLARKSON: That was close.

-- This next corner  -- is the tricky one.

You silly (BLEEP).

CLARKSON: No, look!   You didn't go into it too fast.

You listened to The Stig.

And there, did you listen  again? Not too fast,  that's the critical thing.

-That's looking like Jodie Kidd's style of driving. -Yeah.

Floor it, son! Come on!


-I was getting into it. -Yeah, now, getting into it now.

-- -Did you keep your foot  -- in here? Yep, looks like it.

Ooh, yes!

I feel sick.



And there we are,  across the line!


-All right, then.  -You used to be a chauffeur,  didn't you?

I did. Yeah.

Like that?

No. No, no, no.  It was...

When you're a chauffeur,  you have hours of doing  absolutely nothing.

But I had these Arab princes,  two little kids,

and four Filipino servants. 12 hours of the day, you do nothing.

And then suddenly,  they're in a hurry.

I went down... You know Moscow  road, off Notting Hill Gate?

-Yeah, yeah.  -It was close,  it was really Oldsmobile.

A Porsche and a Rolls Royce  were badly parked  and I couldn't get through.

They were saying,  "Go, get through."  I said, "I can't get through."

People started  beeping the horn.  The kids started hitting me.

I said, "Get off!"


"Get off!" Then I went...

Bang! And I smashed  the two cars, alarms went off

and everyone just sat quietly  and no-one said a word,  and that was it.

Well, it obviously stood you  in good stead there

because I've got your time. Now, where do you think you came?

Somewhere between the blind man and Richard Whiteley, I'll be very happy.

Oh, now, that would be  the two-minute thing,  and as you can see from that,

-Despite the off...  -I'd be happy  if it was under two minutes.

-I'll be happy with it. -You were well under two minutes.

-Was I? Oh, that's not bad. -You did it in 1.51.5.

-So, if you  hadn't gone off...  -(APPLAUSE)

Joanna Lumley.

Dead heat with Joanna Lumley.

-Oh, fantastic. -Which is fantastic. If you hadn't gone off

on that quick lap,

that would've been a 1.49,

-you could've been  easily the fastest...  -Oh, really?

You'd have been the fastest  Iranian in Britain as well.

Think of that.  That's wonderful.

It's been an absolute  pleasure having you here.

-Thank you very much.  -Ladies and gentlemen,  Omid Djalili!



every week,  we're guilty of saying that

something is  the most important new car  of the year.

Well, this week,  we actually have got

the most important new car  of the year.

-- This isn't it.  -- It's the Ford Mondeo.

Now, the Mondeo is spacious.

-- It's safe.  -- It's got lots of kit.

And it's excellent to drive.

If you want a car, this is a perfect car.

There's no logical reason  why you wouldn't buy one.

-- And once upon a time,  -- the nation agreed.

-- When Tony Blair  -- fought the 1997 election,

-- he deliberately went after -- Mondeo men.

And it made sense,

-- because there were plenty  -- of Mondeo men around.

In 1997, Ford was selling

over 100,000 a year.

-- But since then, something  -- extraordinary has happened.

The Mondeo has been outsold

by the BMW 3 Series.

Yep, more people buy the expensive,

executive, ex-directory BMW

than the cheap  and cheerful Ford.

Mondeo man has become  3 Series man.

And now, in 2005,

there is a new 3 Series.

-- Naturally, BMW claim  -- it's even better

than the old one.

To find out, we must drive it.

-- So let's head  -- for 3 Series country,

-- where executives roam  -- in hordes.

The M4 corridor.

It's business Britain.

People whoosh up and down  here all day, doing...  Business.

-- Now, because of the popularity -- of the previous 3 Series,

-- you'd expect the new one  -- to be an instant success.

Ruler of all it surveys

-- in the business parts -- of Swindon and Reading.

-- But recently, BMW has been -- dropping the ball,

-- particularly with -- the love-or-hate looks

of the 1, 5 and 7 Series.

That's why the new 3

-- looks so much more  -- conservative.

And it's the same in here.

This dash used to curve 'round like the cockpit of a fighter plane,

-- but now, it's as straight  -- as a piece of celery.

And just as interesting.

I'm not happy with that,

because I like that  full-fat Z4.

In 20 years' time, that car will be remembered

as forward-thinking.

This car  will be remembered as...

Well, it won't be remembered.

-- The looks, then,  -- are no big deal.

A disappointment, in fact.

-- But, when you look at this car -- as a machine,

well, that is  a different matter.

Take the engine.  It's a two-litre turbo diesel.

Doesn't sound that exciting.

But it's got 163-brake  horsepower,

and the straight-line speed is fantastic.

0-60 in 8.1 seconds.

That's two seconds faster  than a Jaguar X-Type

or a Mercedes C-Class.

Then there's the ride.

-- This has been shameful on  -- new BMWs of late.

That's because they seem  to be obsessed

with using these run-flat tyres,

which mean the car drives along the tarmac

with all the subtlety  of a clown fight.

But in the 3 Series,  the suspension  has been designed

to work with those run-flat tyres.

The result... Fantastic.

The ride's firm.  I mean, I know  I'm on the road,

I'm not driving  on a marshmallow highway.

But I like it like that.

-- Then there's the issue  -- of value for money.

Standard equipment on a BMW  used to be the windscreen,

and all the air in here.

That was free as well.

Now, though, this SE version  costs £24,000,

and you get a CD player,  six airbags,

park distance control, cruise control,

climate control,  traction control

that's a lot of control.

Mind you, floor mats,  an extra 75 quid.

So they still haven't  completely lost the art  of ripping you off.

-- So, it's got the power,  -- the ride is better,

-- you get more stuff  -- for your money...

-- And now, I'm getting off  -- the motorway and

onto the A roads, which is where

the BMW should deliver  its keynote speech.


This is where  it absolutely

and categorically has to succeed.

A BMW that handles badly

-- is a completely  -- pointless object.

The good news is, it doesn't disappoint.

It's an almost perfect 50/50  weight distribution,

which means the car  is balanced.

It's stiffer.

The body is stiffer. The chassis is stiffer.

The whole thing holds  together better.

The suspension keeps  everything...

Oh, look at that!

It's superb!

I'm driving a four-door,  four-seater,

mid-sized saloon  with a diesel engine.

I should be bored rigid,

but I'm not.

It's a bit like U2.

You know you're supposed  to hate them,

and then you hear  their new album and you think,

"Oh, bugger, they've done it again."

-- I've had a damned good drive  -- in the new 3 Series and

I can report that as a machine

it is fantastic.

What amazes me, though,  what I keep thinking about,

is this business of  the out-selling of Ford Mondeo,

a car that we know  is brilliant

and costs 10 grand less.

It's hard to fathom

-- until you drive around -- and look

at modern Britain.

The answer is right there.

Why do we want M&S, when we can get

Armani and Tommy Hilfiger

here on the high street?

The Ford is M&S.  It's the wrong brand.

We don't want middle  of the road.

We don't want to live on the Close any more.

We want to live in modern developments

with hard drives in the walls  so we can download  our iTunes

and DVDs to play on  our flat-screen plasmas.

-- A BMW 3 Series is the car  -- for all this.

-- The engineering -- might be great,

-- but the snob value -- of the badge is even stronger.

But there's a problem  with that.

The very reason you buy a BMW,

because it's exclusive and different,

well, it just isn't...  Not anymore.

--CLARKSON: Mmm,  -- it's a tricky one, isn't it?

-It is tricky. -Because as a piece of engineering,

-this is fantastic.  -It's awesome.  It is brilliant.

And great to drive.  It really is, yeah.

A couple of things though. When I'm looking at it,

it's like an enormous sofa

with four little castors  on the bottom.

The wheels are very small. (ALL LAUGHING)

-Yeah, when you look at it...  -They're buried in there.  And the other thing is,

if you buy one of these, what you're saying is,

"I have no imagination."

So, given that that one goes  out the window,

what would you have?

Uh, well if I really wanted  to stand out from the crowd

and have something a little bit different,

I would have the Mondeo.

Yes, that alternative car,

but these...  Every time I drive one  of those, I think this is...

This is brilliant.  Yeah.

It is a very good car.

They are absolutely  brilliant. Uh...

We've also got a few more  in the studio.

A Honda Accord.  James May loves that one.

He does. It is a very good car.

It is a very good car.  Audi A4.

HAMMOND: Rides too hard.  Mmm.

So this, I think as we can see,

very, very difficult.

And for that reason, we have,  over here,

the Top Gear  Down To Earth Board.

Now, we use this, well,

we used it once.  (LAUGHS)

Actually, to sort the wheat from the chaff,

we're trying to determine  which of a particular segment  of the market...

Which cars we would actually

buy with our own money.  Hmm.

So we've got here the Primera.

CLARKSON: No.  Not really.

The Peugeot. Looks good.

-Looks very good, but no.  It can fall to pieces.  -No.

Made by people who eat onions.


Vauxhall Vectra. Anyone got one?

MAN: I have.

Who? Who says? You have?

-And you're a big chap.  It's a nice car.  -Yes, I noticed it.


Good, good choice, sir.

I may have been wrong  about that earlier.


Which one would you have?

Which one would you steal?


You just look  like a car thief, that's all.

Anyone under 25  is a car thief in my book.

-A Passat.  -Jack, you got the Passat.

The Passat.  It's a quality car though.

For the money.

I'd have... I'd have...

I'd have that one,

the Mazda 6.

Because it's very good value  for money, okay.

It won't go wrong.  It looks very good and  it's fantastic to drive.

It is a very good car. I do like that.

I like the Laguna.

Safe car. Hmm...

But I'd also I'd also like  the Saab.

CLARKSON: Jaguar? No, no.

You've got the  Merc C class problem.

No, I would have  the new VW Passat.

I drove this recently.  It's a good car to drive.

Slightly more expensive  than that, but not by much.

And it's got a quality feel.

That girl behind you is taller  than you.

She is taller than me.  I'm aware of that.


I haven't even turned 'round.  I know she's taller.

She's also... She's come here  in her nightie,

which is quite funny.


You are wearing your pyjamas.

Yeah, I'm wearing pyjamas,

don't be embarrassed.

-Yes. -Anyway, a Top Gear Top Tip there.

If you want the best car in the class, you buy the BMW 3 Series.

If you want to be perceived as a human being,

get one of those.

Right, now, over  the last few weeks

you have all very kindly  been there

e-mailing with  your nominations for  the greatest

driving song of all time.

And the results are not  very encouraging.

No, it's been going  desperately well.

The thing is, you see,  last week,

Meat Loaf, Bat Out of Hel--l  was at the top of the running.

And we asked you...  Well, actually, we implored,

we begged you

to vote and do something  about it.

And you know what,  it's made no difference.

'Cause look. Here's the top five and

it's still in the running.

Now, we know how many people

voted for the fat oaf.

HAMMOND: Yes.  Okay?

More importantly, we know  where you live.


So, you're not a fan  of Meat Loaf either then?

No.  HAMMOND: Really?

No.  That's funny!

So, how then would you  explain this?

It's Clarkson Rocks

Full Throttle Anthems,--a CD  give away with the newspaper  and on the back,

I don't know why I'm telling you, these are your favourite tracks.

You know what's on here. Number two, Meat Loaf.

Bat Out Of Hell...

Because it was...

It was a long time ago.

Hmm, 2004, it says.

Listen, the point about this  is Meat Loaf hasn't actually  won yet.

What we have here is simply  the top five nominations

in no particular order.

What we're going to do  over the next five weeks

is feature one song per show.

We're gonna tell you  all about it.

A bit about how  it was written and so on.

And then you get a chance  to vote for it by telephone.

Yes, on the final show of the series,

we can show you the winner,

the ultimate, the overall  top track.

All you have to do is ring 09011 98 6363,

and then you press one  for Golden Earring,

two for Steppenwolf,  three for Queen,

four for Deep Purple,  five for Meat Loaf,

assuming you can get your fat,

swollen, sweaty stumps

of inbred fingers onto  the phone.



And, um...

I should explain,  calls costs 10p.

Now, we've got to move on.

A lot of new small cars  have been launched recently.

And the producer said  that thousands and thousands  of people

are going to buy them.

And that  it was our responsibility  to test them.

Now, frankly, this was a shoulder-sagging moment, really.

Not a good prospect,

and then I had a brainwave.

Instead of us testing them,

we'd get them tested  by Mrs Hammond,  Mrs May and Mrs Clarkson.

Our mothers!



The first complaint,  the cups are dirty.

--CLARKSON:  -- This is Mrs Hammond.

-- Currently she drives  -- a Mazda 626,

but she once had a Volvo 340,

which she describes as lovely.

-- So we can see where her son  -- gets his taste in cars from.

This is Mrs Clarkson.

-- She doesn't care what car  -- she drives

-- so long as it has  -- an automatic gearbox

and Classic FM on the stereo.

-- So naturally, she has  -- a Honda Jazz.

And finally, this is Mrs May,

who has a SEAT Arosa.

-- She's been done for -- speeding twice,

-- which is two times more  -- than James.

--HAMMOND: So that's -- the mothers...

-- And these are the cars  -- they'll be testing.

-- The new Renault Modus.  --Honey, I Shrunk The Espace.

It's crammed with lots of   storage space and   versatile seating.

-- Then there's the space-age -- Peugeot 1007.

-- This has  -- electronic sliding doors

and a pick-and-mix dashboard.

-- And finally,  -- there's the new Honda Jazz.

But when I say new,

it has new headlamps.

-- No real tricks here,  -- but it is a Honda.

-- So it's likely to last  -- even longer than our mothers.

Anyway, it's time now to introduce the cars   to our mums...

Wouldn't it be funny if they hit each other?

-- ...and get their  -- expert opinions.

One's yellow,  what's the other?

Blue and a ghastly green.


-- Clearly some blanks  -- need to be filled in.

Hello, Mums.


Hello, James.  Hi there.

There they are. They're all small cars.

The viewers, they want to know

which is the best car,  from your point of view.

Because if it's just us,  we'll drive 'round corners  too fast and squeal rubber.

And that'll be pointless. Right.

They all cost  between £11,000 and £12,000.

They're all small,  they've all got  1.4-litre engines.

Is the heater on?  The heaters are on.

Oh, good.  They're warm.

They're all going to  have heaters.

You'd be hard pressed  to find anything...

-Yeah.  -If I say I don't like  the Jazz,

will you still speak to me?

No.  Oh!

--MAY: With the bones -- of the cars explained,

we thought it might be   a good idea   to crack on with things.

Now, time for  the first challenge,

the living with it test.

I've set up all three cars  for us,

not our mums.

What we want to know is how easy or hard it is  for them

to get settled in and  make themselves at home.

Yeah, now, on the signal,  the mothers are going to run  to the cars,

Le Mans style,  unlock the doors, get in,

they'll have to adjust  the seats, adjust the mirrors,

change the radio station

from Kiss FM  to Classic FM, and then,

unlike any other motor race you've ever seen,

the winner  is the first one to set off.

CLARKSON: The conventional Honda should play well here,

-- unlike the more  -- high-tech Frenchies.

-- Especially the Peugeot -- with its electric doors

and flappy paddle gearbox.

And they're off!

No, no, no...

-- Mrs Clarkson goes  -- for the Peugeot.


Mrs Hammond for the Renault.

The child-locks must be on.

-- And Mrs May for  -- the simple-as-you-like Honda.

You need your seat  in a comfortable position.

I'm not here to help you.

I'm here to make sure  you don't cheat.

Do you like the doors?  No.

I can't help you.

I gotta need to check that you  don't cheat.

But there is a knob  on the right.

-Oh, yes! I got it!  -There you go. Right.  Excellent.

-What did you fiddle with?  -Nothing, I was just checking  it was all working.


Oh, heavens! Mrs May

has already got her engine started!

You need to press the button  that unfolds the mirrors.

Are you gonna put your specs on?

Do I... Engine.

I'm pressing  the little button and  nothing's happening.

Yes!  Yes!

Just check my hair.  Yes.

-There's a keyhole,  -Key...

No. Because it's over...

-Ooh!  -There's your wipers.

Those are wipers.

CLARKSON: That's  your indicator on.

Yeah, what you're doing there  is pressing every button

until you hear Terry Wogan!

Right. That's Radio 1.

Oh, foot on the brake.  Is that it?

Could be.


Yes! Ah, you see?

(WHISPERING) They've been corrupted.

No, that's 4.

This is technically a race.

That's too far!  It seeks.

Yes!  Yes! Go!


Mrs May is underway.


That's easy...  Well, good on her!

No, no, no. It's just that  must mean that

the Honda Jazz is an easy car.  -It costs to understand.  -Okay.

We're good to go.

The Mays have gone.

Clarkson's not going anywhere.

So close! Oh, and it's gone away!

It was on the dashboard and it's gone!


You got it!

That's better. Okay, go!

Now, we move into  the flappy paddle gearbox.

Put it into auto?  Could do.

Will it go now? May do.

We're moving!  We're not...

We're not. The handbrake's on.  Now!


Hooray! There is movement!



CLARKSON:   So then, a clear victory   for the Honda Jazz

-- in the user  -- friendliness test.

And a solid last place

-- for the decidedly  -- unfriendly Peugeot.

-- But what will happen in  -- the next challenge?

Right. It's time to test  these cars for outright speed.

To do that, we've organised  a special mothers' drag race.

CLARKSON:   The clear favourite is   the Renault Modus.

-- Goes from 0-60  -- in 11.5 seconds,

-- thanks to its 97-brake  -- horsepower engine.

-- Whereas the Peugeot,  -- with just 75-brake horsepower

-- and those  -- heavy electric doors,

is the rank outsider.


Slow start, that.

The lights were green for 15 minutes.

Come on, come on.

It's 0-60 in 18 seconds,  the Peugeot.

Did the Renault win there?

CLARKSON: Yes, it did,

-- pipping the Honda and -- thrashing the Peugeot!

How fast were you going  when you went across the line?

No idea.  I didn't look at it.

Anyone see a speedometer?


Can we do it again?

Not really, no.

HAMMOND: So, one victory each   for the Renault and   the Honda,

and nothing for the Peugeot.

-- But our maternal shoot-out -- isn't over yet.

Now, it's time to find out  which of the cars

is the most practical and commodious,

by jamming them full  of as much stuff as possible.

We're just using boxes  of old junk

cleared out from  the mothers' lofts,

the kind of old tat  that nobody could possibly

want or be prepared to read.

In this one.

I'm not gonna help.

Little bit under there. Got it. Little handle.

-Open that.  -That's very easy,  isn't it?

Yes. No, Mum, really. Relax.

You've done something to it.

It's got a double feature.  You can do this,

it's just a little,

-if you just want to throw  something in.  -Uh-huh.

It's called  the shopping chute.


Or you can open the whole boot.

Now, if you look under the D  of Modus, there...

HAMMOND: In this test we're   looking not just at how big   the boot is,

but also at how clever it is.

No.  What?

-No, you can take  the whole thing out.  -Okay.

Okay. Then this is...

-Right. -If you lift up the seat squab,

pull it up... That's it.  There, look!

So if you've been  to the garden centre  and have a yucca plant...


-Without having to do  the whole of the back?  -Yeah.

--HAMMOND: The Renault had  -- a party piece too.

If you've got three people  sitting in the back,

one, two, three, it'll only go  back to there.

If you've got two,

you lift that up,

lift those in,

and then it'll go all the way  back to there.

HAMMOND: Sounds good!   Until your mum tries   to do it.

Oh, yes. I see.

You slide the whole seat back.

So, you see now.

They weren't thinking of you  when they did that.

No, can't do that. Can't do that?

--HAMMOND: In fact, -- moving the Modus' seats

-- was a hefty job from  -- any angle.

Well! Wait a minute...

With difficulty.

HAMMOND: The Peugeot,   however, was starting   to come good at last.

Pull that.  Perfect.

And we're away.  Is that easy?

That was very easy, yes.

I'm not supposed  to help you, but...

But I think you might.  Yes, mum.

This... If you had  a really heavy load,  that's quite high.

Back load space like that  is nice.

That's good. That's very good.

Now, you can't slide  anything across.

Because there's a lump, look.

On normal Top Gear,  we miss that kind of thing.

Do you know,  they got 19 gymnasts

in this when they launched it?

(LAUGHS) Really?

All from China, no doubt.

Oh, dear.

-James. Look what I've just found in Hammond's box! -Yes.

-Ooh!  -They're his  publicity pictures!

Look at that.   Late Night Love.

Late Night Love--on 96.3  Cleveland FM  with Richard Hammond.

But look. This is just one of 30 radio stations...



Hang on.


I can see why he gets the job  hosting Crufts.


Steady... Dogtanian!

You don't want that.

CLARKSON: With the last   of the boxes loaded,   the mothers discussed

-- which car should have -- the practicality prize.

But you don't have to have it  all open at the same time.

That's what's good.  Whereas these you do.

My mother is... Yeah.

That's her telephone voice.

(IMITATING MRS HAMMOND)  Hey, look, you see?  The seats fold flat!

Don't put that in or I'm dead.

This wasn't heavy to do,  but as I say...

You missed having the back door,

to be able to get in at the side.

So Jazz... I got the Jazz.

-And I have to say,  I'm not gonna swap it.  -Yeah.

No, I can see why.

--CLARKSON: So,  -- another win for the Jazz,

-- making it two wins -- for the Honda,

-- one for the Renault,  -- in the drag race,

and no points for the Peugeot.

-- Next, though,  -- our mums took us for a drive

-- to see what the cars -- were like on the move.

Can we go really fast?

As fast as you like.

It's a pretty safe track.

But there are things coming the other way.

You've got a steering wheel.

-Did you bring me  a fruit cake?  -I brought you two.

I brought you one fruit cake,  one date and walnut cake.

Er... Oh, for goodness' sake!

You adjust the mirrors...  There!

No, that's the door.


No, that's the windows!  No, there.

No, it isn't. It is!

Ah.  It just is!

Both hands on the wheel.

Why the sliding doors?  What's the idea behind it?

Well, it's supposedly so that  in car parks and places,

we don't have to open  the door out.

They slide so it doesn't clog  the car next to it.


But it is very nice. It's very  smooth, the gear change  is easy.

CLARKSON: Some of this car...

Some of it I have to say,

-if I were reviewing it...  -Well, the designers  obviously thought,

"For crying out loud,  what can we do now?

"We've done everything."

What you haven't got is  as much access to get in  the back seat

as you would have  in a four-door car.

That's a good point.

CLARKSON:   The Renault is the safest   of few in the front,

-- the safest for children  -- in the back,

-- but it's not so good  -- if you run someone over.

Oh, no!  You know the boot chute?

Yes?  200 quid.


It is...  I think it's slightly noisier.

-Sports...  -That's why I don't like  low-profile tyres,

because you can feel the road,  can't you?

Low-profile tyres?

No low-profile...

Where did you learn that?

--MAY: Crikey! -- And on that bombshell,

-- it was time for a lap  -- of our track.

Not the whole one obviously.

We don't have time for that.

So, just the bottom end.

-- Mrs Hammond was first,  -- in the Honda Jazz.

-Yes, go.  -What was the veering off  to the left?

Getting lined up.

CLARKSON:  She's indicating!  (LAUGHING)

She's a safe and  sensible driver!

I don't see anything wrong...

I think we should stress  at this point

that we're not actually  gonna learn anything

in this exercise.

And it's a...

ALL: A 1.17.9.

What is that?

--CLARKSON: So, can Mrs May  -- beat that in the Renault?



James, she's so much faster than you.

I've never seen you drive  this aggressively.

MAY: That's why I don't.

Because I was traumatized  as a small boy

-in the back  of a Mark 1 Cortina.  -It's put you off.

She double de-clutched!

She just did a 1.11.8.


You know how there's  global speculation as to

the identity of The Stig?


--CLARKSON: -- And then it was my mum's turn.

What you're gonna see now...  I'm expecting aggression.

No. You're gonna see now

a 70-year-old woman

in a very heavy car.

HAMMOND: It doesn't pull away  quickly, does it?

That is such a slow car.

She'll be on the phone by now.

-She's into the hammerhead,  not lost.  -HAMMOND: This is quick!

CLARKSON:  Pretty much stationary there,  to be brutally honest.

Here it comes. 1.11 to beat.

A 1.17.3. So...

What we've proved here  is the slowest car

is the second-fastest.

--CLARKSON: With  -- all the tests completed,

-- we asked our mums to retire  -- and consider a verdict.

-- Unfortunately, -- they got side-tracked.

-Six letters,  beginning with A.  -It's not cryptic?

No. No.

-- So, we got them seated -- 'round a table.

So, go on.  You've got all the

information, you have  driven all the cars.

I would have the Jazz,

because it handles well,

there's lots of space  in the back.


Also, when the back seats  were down,

there was very little room  for your legs for driving.

I couldn't get  the seat back far enough.

I didn't notice.  Although we sort of think,

"Hey, those sliding doors  are great." Buzz...

I absolutely guarantee you, like having an old internet connection,

after two days  you'd get really impatient.

Because they're too slow.

They are slow! There's another thing.

Good for getting into  the front,

but as you pointed out...

No good for getting in  the back.

-Saw the back half off.  -They don't come  back far enough.

Okay then, so we've got  the Renault  and the Honda Jazz.

-You've declared your support  for the Honda Jazz.  -Yeah.

Even though the Renault is  plainly...

Cheaper, faster, bigger.  Yeah.

Well, I was all for the Jazz,

until I drove the Renault.

And I started to waiver.

--Although I wasn't driving Top Gear--speed on the track...

-CLARKSON:  Oh, I don't know! Ooh!  -Oh, no.

Going around those bends,  it stuck like glue  to the road.

That was a one minute, 11-second lap you did there.

I still think overall

I would go for the Jazz,

because I think it's a more  attractive car to look at.

But I still...  Still want the Jazz.  It's a very nice car.

CLARKSON:   And there we are,   a unanimous verdict

in favour of the Honda Jazz.


Well done, our mums!

Well done, mums.

Well done, mummies.

Now, yes. That was...

That was a predictable verdict.

And wrong.

Oh, no, no, no, hang on.

I think they were right  about the Peugeot.

Because, come on, if we'd  tested this, we'd have spent  all day without

buttoning... Buzz. And we're  saying "Hey, this is like   Star Trek!"

But our mothers were able  to see

beyond that, and recognize  the rest

of this car is rubbish!

-It is.  -It is. Peugeot  really is rubbish.

And thing is, though,  I don't think the Jazz  is the best.

-I think the Renault's the best. -I think you're right.

-I think Renault is the best.  -So we all think  the Renault's best.

Interesting, isn't it? Your mother knows best,

but not on this occasion.


And on that blue-rinsed bombshell,

it's time to end the show.

So, we'll see you next week.  Goodnight!