Top Gear (2002–…): Season 6, Episode 4 - Episode #6.4 - full transcript
Jeremy reviews the Cadillac CTS-V, and The Stig takes it for a lap of the test track. Richard tests the new BMW 3-Series on the M4 corridor. The presenters' mothers compare three new small ...
--CLARKSON: Tonight, I test the -- Cadillac CTSV.
-- Hammond tests the new -- BMW 3 Series.
And we get three old ladies to test some small cars because
we couldn't be bothered.
Hello! Now, this time of year, a lot of people are getting married.
And there's a lot to think about, the invitations, the venue, the Brazilian.
(CROWD LAUGHS) You know, for the honeymoon.
Uh, so it's easy to overlook the most important thing.
Is the bridal car powerful enough to jump over the whole wedding party?
Here we have a wedding scene.
This is one of those American-style outdoor wedding ones, so...
Here are the chairs for the congregation, the arch, the gazebo,
and here's the cake.
And this is the car park.
-- This is where the guests -- will stay.
And here's the ramp.
-- So this is a serious leap -- for the wedding car.
-- We're going to need a serious -- nuptial machine for the job.
-- And here it is... -- Yep, a stretch limo.
It's a 1984 Lincoln town car
with a 10-foot stretch and the desirable five-litre V8 engine.
Oh, this is the high life, velour.
It smells of... Asti Spumante.
It may have done a few weddings and then nights--,
but the suspension's still in tip-top form. Anyway...
-- Let's get down to the hard -- science of the jump.
The limo weighs three tonnes,
so if our wedding driver is to stand a chance of clearing these
and this and this and these,
the 26-foot town car will have to be doing 60mph
when it launches from this ramp.
-- So, there we go. -- Everything's ready.
And they're off!
I wonder where it's going to land.
That's one hell of a run-up!
Here comes the bride. Will her limo make it?
It's leap now, or forever be smashed to pieces.
Really a Top Gear Top Tip there.
I think you'll find if you're planning on jumping a party,
any party, don't use a stretched Lincoln.
-Yeah, that's good piece of advice. -Yeah.
Can I point out that we are aware that that wasn't the most mature
opening with what we've done to the show.
But we did that on purpose. We started with that
because the show started later at 9:00 p.m.
and we thought kids might like that.
So if you're seven, you can go to bed now, because
the rest of the show's just full of really boring grown-up stuff.
-Not all of it, actually. -We're doing the news now. So...
-That's what I'm thinking of. You know why. -(LAUGHING)
-I know where this is going. Don't I? -I'm gonna do it.
Oh, God. (CROWD LAUGHS)
Indeed, the news. And this just in from Vauxhall.
It seems like... I can tell you that...
That doesn't matter. Because there's only one big bit of news this week.
Uh, now. Jeremy, where are you? Come on in, there is no point...
-I'm not coming out! -There is point for all of this man...
I'm not coming out! We're going to talk about...
--You will remember last week on -- Top Gear.
We saw Jeremy's new car.
His Ford GT finally arrived. He's very proud of it.
Who'd like to see what happened when Jeremy set off for home in it
-after the show. Who would like to see it? -ALL: Yeah!
Yeah, that's the right decision.
Have a look at this. Here he is.
You can see he's not actually moving at all,
and there's a very good reason for that.
It's a day old.
And you push the engine start button...
Check the engine.
-- What you'll notice -- here is that...
-- James is helping me -- try to mend it
-while I am on the phone to Ford. -James May is...
-- And Hammond, -- what did he do to help?
He went home.
I'll see you next week. Yeah.
Yeah. Enjoy the car.
My little Morgan functioning perfectly.
You look quite sad there.
And a bit cross.
CLARKSON: It's not funny! HAMMOND: It is.
And the crew were laughing at you, not with you. I want you to know that.
-- You had to put the car away, -- but it wasn't that bad
-- because you did get transport -- home eventually.
A Toyota Corolla Verso.
-That is enough to get me home. -Yeah.
-Not quite the stylish exit you had hoped for was it? -No.
Did you read in the papers this week about short people?
It was in all the stories, basically.
You're rubbish in bed and useless at work.
Come on, don't get off the subject. What was wrong?
It was the immobilizer. The car's fine.
Okay, it was the immobilizer, you know that plipper thing...
It wouldn't un-immobilize the engine.
So it had to go back to Ford.
-Did it? And then they fixed it? -Yes.
Yes, and then they brought it back and the night they bought it back
two days later, at 3:00 in the morning, the alarm went off.
And then again at 4:00.
And then the next night at 11:00.
Did it wake you up? Yeah.
And the kids? Yeah.
And the dogs? Oh! Yes.
So what's the... (ALL LAUGHING)
This is when it gets really good, okay?
I had to take it back to Ford because the alarm keeps blowing for no reason.
So on my way back, it has got one of those tracker things on it, you know,
if somebody steals it automatically sends out an SOS.
They rang me up, the tracking people and they said your car has been stolen.
While you're in it?
"Yeah, no it's all right. I'm in it."
So after a while they rang me up and said "Your car's been stolen.
"And what's your password?"
Who knows their password? Does anyone here know their password?
I said, "I don't know." And they can remotely shut the car down.
Really? (ALL LAUGHING)
"If you shut this down, I'm going to come there and eat your heart."
I had no idea what my password was.
Did he stop it? No, he didn't.
I finally got it back to Ford and picked it up again.
Yesterday, last night...
-So, finally it's mended! Hoorah! -No!
I'm not. I'm not.
Got it this morning to come down here... Ring-ring.
"Your car's been stolen."
"It hasn't..." And then again. Honestly, I've got my phone here.
Okay, I've got the phone. They send you a text, okay, when it's been stolen.
Look at this, okay. Read. Look at that.
"Theft alert. The car was stolen at 8.49 a.m...
"8:22 a.m... 7:22 a.m..."
-It was stolen five times on the way here. Five times. -That's unfortunate.
-So, they're gonna fix it eventually? -Yes.
If you don't mend it, I'm gonna bone your dog.
-"He's taken all the bones out of my dog!" -(ALL LAUGHING)
-But they gave you a courtesy car. Didn't they? -Yes!
They gave me a courtesy car! Here is my Ford,
it's broken, I thought, "It'll be a DB 9."
I mean, you know... Range Rover.
No! It was a Focus Estate with a diesel engine!
I love that!
Two years' wait for a Focus Estate diesel!
A big alarm clock. Oh! Right.
James, any more news? Is it anything to do with my Ford?
Yes, it's that time of year again. Time for the Top Gear--motoring survey.
Now, we really do genuinely need your help with this.
Last year it was the biggest survey ever of its kind, 54,000 people.
But of course that only happens if you take part.
We want to hear from you if you have a car registered between
2002 on an 02 plate,
and 2004 on a 53 plate. That's very important.
We want to know everything about the car, if it breaks down,
whether or not the immobiliser doesn't work.
Yeah, yeah! (HAMMOND LAUGHS)
Whether or not your dealer has got B.O. and that sort of thing.
Log on. (READING)
You can use your experience to help someone avoid making the mistake of buying...
What? Yes, exactly!
A Ford GT.
Now, you know small car ads that you see...
You know everyone abbreviates everything? Well, apparently don't.
Because a survey this week found that most people
don't know what these abbreviations mean, like ICE, you know.
In-car entertainment. TNT.
Taxed and tested, okay? Well, things are going to get a lot worse.
Because acronyms are really coming into the world of cars.
You know traction control? Yes.
-You'd expect that to be TC. But oh, no! -Yeah...
-Porsche stability management. -Oh, yeah.
BMW got two, DFC and DTC.
Toyota have got VFC. Anyone know what ESP stands for?
It stands for electronic stability programme.
Park distance control.
Great haircut. Wow!
The essence of it is that from now on,
with all these acronyms around, the small car ads are going to be impossible.
-No way on earth. -You won't know what they're on about.
I've written one for a BMW. "For sale.
"BMW 528. 19K, VGC.
"TNT, FSH, PAS. (ALL LAUGHING)
"AECOBCICE, ABS, ABD.
-"PDC, DTC, DSC, £15,000." -Nice.
Ah, right. I'd like, if I may,
to talk about Cadillac, part of history.
They started off making kind of big black stuff with
running boards for gangsters to stand on.
Ah, then it started making very long pink cars
with enormous fins on the back.
For the last few years, it's been making horrible slushmobiles
for little old ladies in Florida.
Now, they've announced they've made a sports saloon.
And here it is.
-- For a whopping £45,000 -- the Cadillac CTSV.
-- The styling was done by -- someone who only had a ruler.
-- And the interior's -- a mass of man-made fibres.
But the firepower comes from the same V8 that you get in a Corvette.
So, it's an old person's car with a hammer under the bonnet.
That said, it is quite a big hammer.
Not clever or sophisticated, but you do get 400-brake horsepower.
-- That means -- 0-60 in 4.3 seconds.
-- And because there's no real -- green movement in America,
-- there's no electronic nanny -- limiting the top speed.
So, unlike a Mercedes
or a BMW, which runs into the electronic buffers at 155,
this will keep going all the way to...
We're about to find out, actually.
That's 200kph in fourth.
Got up to a redline. Now, going up to fifth.
163 miles an hour.
What exactly do you mean "Kyoto Summit?"
-- There are other examples -- of this American-ness too.
For instance, in most cars, all the buttons have symbols on them.
So you know what everything does.
But in this, everything's written in English.
Because of course, the whole world speaks English, doesn't it?
And I hate the way it bongs every time you do anything. I mean, look...
-(BONGING) -It bongs to tell me I've just turned on the ignition.
And of course it bongs if you take your seatbelt off.
Same bong as the ignition bong.
That could be confusing.
I think it even bongs if you've been breathing out for a long
time to remind you it's time to breathe in again.
So, of course, it bongs when you open the door.
(BONGING RAPIDLY) New bong.
I know the door is open! There's a gap! That's how I got out!
So, as it sits there bonging away, you are undoubtedly thinking
-- that this is just another -- American car.
Fast in a straight line,
-- but absolutely useless -- at everything else.
Actually, don't be so sure.
Because the CTSV was developed
after someone at Cadillac came across what in America
is a very rare book.
It's called an atlas.
-- In it they found strange -- and exotic places
that were not America.
-- And one of these places was -- a continent called Europe.
-- And in Europe, they found -- a country called Germany.
-- And in Germany they found -- something called
-- This is where the new Cadillac -- was developed.
This is where they tuned its handling and its ride and its steering.
-- And now, -- they are saying the CTSV
handles like a European car.
I'm... No, no... I'm sure it can handle
like a European car.
In the same way that Keanu Reeves can do an English accent.
Right up to the moment where he calls someone "dude."
(LAUGHING) European handling!
-- To test their theory -- we brought along an Audi S4,
-- which has a 4.2-litre V8 -- and four-wheel drive.
-- It's a good benchmark, -- but unfortunately, its driver
had become bored with waiting.
Listen, we're going to do a race. Okay.
You're going to drive the Audi.
And see if you can get past the Cadillac.
You think that's gone in?
Well, we'll have to find out, I suppose.
Ooh, bad start, but it doesn't matter
because I've got all the power here.
He's right up behind me through the corner, but...
I am just leaving him for dead on the straight.
Absolutely leaving him for dead!
This is where you'd expect the Audi
to come barrelling up behind and just sail by.
And yet, no! And yet, somehow, no.
This is astonishing, an Audi Quattro
with a V8 and a Stig in it,
and he cannot get past.
I'm driving a Cadillac that actually handles.
How is that possible?
-- Actually, -- it's easy to explain.
Most American cars drive you 'round the bend.
But this one actually drives you
'round the bend.
Soundtrack's not bad either.
Listen to that!
-- This car is fun, -- balanced, taut,
-- and on top of that, -- it's very well-equipped.
I've got buttons on the rear-view mirror,
I've got buttons for opening the garage door
on the sun visor, I've got buttons on the steering wheel.
I've even got a little read-out here
which tells me how much G I'm generating in the bends.
Mmm. Not sure about that one.
I'm not sure that if you're going 'round a corner fast enough
to generate some meaningful G,
you should really be looking at a little read-out...
On the dashboard. Woah! Come on.
Stop retching, cameraman.
Oh, you... You've been sick!
-- For drivers, -- this is a great car.
But there are a few problems.
It's too big.
It's too expensive.
The gearbox is rubbish.
-- And it's only available -- with left-hand drive.
But the worst thing is that it doesn't feel like a quality product.
There's nothing you can put your finger on, it just feels cheap.
You could liken it, really, to one of those Steven Seagal films.
Lots of explosions, lots of people get kicked in the face.
But somehow the movie doesn't have the depth or the texture of...
Die Hard--, or The Terminator--.
I like this car, I really do.
It's far too good for the old ladies of Fort Lauderdale.
But because of this cheapness,
-- it's not quite -- good enough for us.
There is another one too, as well. It is quite ugly.
It is quite ugly.
It is quite ugly.
The thing is, though, if you have got your heart set on,
like, a big, four-seater, V8 muscle-car from the colonies...
-Have one of these. -Exactly. This is the Vauxhall Monaro,
got exactly the same Corvette V8 engine as the Cadillac.
But it's not American, it's from Australia.
And the great thing about that
is that because the Australians still
recognise the authority of the Queen,
the steering wheel is on the correct side of the car.
Yeah, there is one thing I have to say, though, about the Monaro.
It does have a very cheap feel inside, just like the Cadillac...
But that's because this is cheap.
I mean, they've just lowered the price now, to £29,000.
29,000 for a V8 muscle-car.
That is just such good value.
£16,000 less than that.
I know, I know. Remarkable.
Er... So, really, we've got another Top Gear--Top Tip.
-If you want a Cadillac, buy a Vauxhall. -(LAUGHTER)
Um... No, wait a minute. We haven't finished.
We have to find out how fast the Cadillac goes 'round our track...
Which means we have to hand it over to our tame racing driver.
Some say he is illegal in 17 US states
and he blinks this way.
All we know is he's called The Stig.
And away he goes. It is soaking wet out there today.
So, will this American weapon kill The Stig with friendly fire?
Through the first corner. Look as the standing water there.
-- Holding it together, though, -- very nicely.
-- (DOWN ON THE FARM --BY CAMEL PLAYING)
Mmm! Prog rock from Camel there, Down on the Farm.
Right, coming through Chicago.
-- Keeping it together. -- Treacherous conditions.
Back-stepping out a little bit on the exit. Coming up to hammerhead.
Nose-heavy car, so I'd expect a lot of under steer here.
-- But The Stig's -- thought about that...
The answer is lashings of throttle and power over steer.
Well done, Stiggy.
-- Now, through follow through. -- Will he keep his foot down?
I don't know what brave pills he takes, but they're not available on prescription!
Now, even with the traction control off, the Caddy's still trying
-- to use its brakes to stop -- the car sliding.
-- And of course, -- The Stig needs no such help.
-- But will the annoying -- computers hurt his time?
There he is, across the line.
I have the time here,
and it is 1.33.4...
Which is kind of down there.
Now, this is the interesting thing, look.
The Monaro, also in the wet, 1.33.9.
So, half a second quicker than a Vauxhall.
But is it? Because it's not over there.
You can now get that car with a six-litre version of that same engine.
It's a bit more expensive. I think it's about It's about 37,000.
Yes, still eight grand less than the Cadillac.
And we're having that in in a few weeks.
And I would like to predict that that will be a bit reversed.
It will. Yep, the Monaro will be back in front.
Anyway, we've now got to move on.
And I found out only this morning
that Iran is the most dangerous country in the world
for driving and that's a convenient thing, because our guest tonight
bills himself as Britain's funniest Iranian comedian.
Ladies and gentlemen, Omid Djalili.
(APPLAUSE AND CHEERING)
Take care. Give us a call.
How are you? Have a seat.
Good to see you.
-Fixing up a bit of business there? -We're all mates here...
So, now, of course, you're not just a comedian.
You are an actor as well.
You've appeared in a huge number of American films.
The Spy Game--and... Bond.
Which Bond was it?
-The World Is Not Enough. -That was the one with Sophie Marceau in it.
Yeah. I played... A lot of people said to me,
"Don't you get typecast as an Arab scumbag specialist?"
But I always point out that in the Bond movie,
I was the second Azerbaijani oil pipe attendant,
-which was a major departure for me! -(ALL LAUGHING)
And, oh, then there was Gladiator.
-Yes. -So, you got to work in Oliver Reed's last film.
Yeah. Was it fun working with him?
A lot of fun. There's a bit where he had to grab my balls.
And he said, "Are you... Are you a method?"
I said, "Yes." "You don't mind if I really grab your balls?"
He put his hands and held my balls, and when they said, "Action..."
He held it, even when they cut, he still held onto my balls.
He did his five takes, having a cup of tea.
I'm stood there "Yes, Mr Oliver Reed!" So it was just...
They wanted to see how many takes he could do before...
Must have been a fun film!
And, so, you do bill yourself as Britain's funniest Iranian comedian.
Well, there was a joke I used to do in my stand-up.
I was actually the only Iranian comedian in the world
and that was three more than Germany.
But... I did Germany, and that joke didn't go down very well at all.
They kept saying, "That is not funny." And, "Not logical.
"Because you are one, and minus three, which makes Germany in a deficit of two.
"I have a pie chart here... This will prove you wrong." So...
Now, listen, Iranian driving, I was staggered to find this out.
Because I always thought India
-was the most dangerous country. -No, Iran's the worst.
-But Iran's the worst. -They have the highest deaths, I think.
-Is it something like 25,000 a year? -Yeah.
I've got the Lonely Planet guide, okay.
They say more than 25,000 people die every year on the roads.
-25,000! -I think actually... Doesn't it...
The tourist guide does say that a lot of road rage is
cars hitting pedestrians.
-And they suggest you go around in groups of people... -Yeah.
You know, because people will be put off
because if they crash into groups of people,
-it's more paperwork at the police station. -Yeah, is that so?
-So they try and avoid that. -Individuals, no big deal, just run them down.
Now, there's another one here, which it says that traffic lights,
you only stop if they're red if there's a policeman in the vicinity
and if he's got a high-powered rifle.
Yes, that's it! (LAUGHTER)
My dad always used to say to me there's a way of dealing with road rage.
Because it happens so much. So what you do, if you cut someone off,
and then you get stopped,
if you open your window down and get your first words in quickly
with a bizarre comment, you're okay.
My dad cut someone off and he said, "Watch this."
And you see the guy chasing, he says, put the window down.
My dad said, "You! It was you. If it wasn't for you,
-"the Millennium Dome would still be functioning." -(ALL LAUGHING)
He said, "What?" He goes, "You know what you did."
He just drives off, shaking his head.
"Yeah, if it wasn't for you, Manchester would have the Olympic Games in 2000!"
"You what?" "You know what you did!"
There's only one, isn't there? What is it? The "Paycan"?
-It's the old Hillman Hunter. -We've got a picture of it here. There it is, look.
-Now, we kid you not, they started making this in '60s... -'67.
-'67. And only stopped seven months ago. -Yeah.
-Have you seen the safety features listed for this? -No.
There are five, okay. Five safety features.
And you know they're struggling when one is dipping rear-view mirror.
We're aware that it's a pile of crap, but it's the only car we have.
-What do they call passengers in it? -Shock absorbers.
I guess so.
See, what interests me about this is that George Bush, okay...
-He says Iran's next on his hit list. -Yeah.
-Because they've got nuclear weapons. Is it... -Yeah.
You can't worry about Iranian nukes if that's their idea of technology!
(ALL LAUGHING) Really.
You can't. I should tell you, we've got this Iranian...
One of our officials is very feisty.
He stood up to George Bush.
He goes, "Iran, they have to give up their nuclear weapons programme,
"and we'll do more trade with Iran."
And this guy goes, "That's great, okay why don't Americans give up
"your nuclear weapons and we'll send you
"20 trucks of pistachio nuts." You know...
It's the same guy... He's very lairy. Apparently he was at the UN.
And it was quite funny. They had these Americans and English people sitting around,
and they're all boasting about their sons. And they were saying...
The American guy goes, "My son got an MBA from Harvard."
The English guy goes, "I've got a son with a BA and MA from Oxford."
Apparently, the official said, "That's nothing.
"My son has the BMW from Germany."
He really is an Iranian politician?
-I like this guy... -He's a bit feisty, he's a bit lairy.
-One of those... -I kind of like the sound of him.
Because, I won't go to America any more. I refuse, because...
Why not? Yeah.
Oh, customs... You know?
Look in your shoes. "We need to see your eyes."
-Put them on a... Fingerprints... -(ALL LAUGHING)
You must have awful trouble there.
I do, actually. I must say. I always have...
They threatened to strip-search once, and I just said,
-"You won't find Bin Laden in there." And, uh... -(LAUGHTER)
And made them do it. I thought I'd throw in a joke so they wouldn't do it.
But they... I've never actually had a strip-search,
but they made me take off cloths,
and they happened... Oh!
-Romanian contact lenses! There's... -(ALL LAUGHING)
Anyway, your lap.
Oh, no! Oh, God!
Actually, you didn't look well after you did it.
I felt very sick doing it. I don't know why. I was just...
That's twice, 'cause Jack Dee came here the other day and he was the same.
It's just, "Oh! I'm so ill. I don't know what I'm..." Is it comedians...
Well, I don't know. I get fat and sweaty... Well, I am fat and sweaty.
I think that's the problem. There's your answer.
Shall we see how you got on?
Oh, God! All right.
Yeah? Shall we have a look?
AUDIENCE: Yes! Okay, play the tape.
(ENGINE REVS, TYRES SCREECH)
-CLARKSON: What's with all this? -Too slow, look at that.
-CLARKSON: No, that's good, actually, that's very good. -Watch it!
CLARKSON: That was close.
-- This next corner -- is the tricky one.
You silly (BLEEP).
CLARKSON: No, look! You didn't go into it too fast.
You listened to The Stig.
And there, did you listen again? Not too fast, that's the critical thing.
-That's looking like Jodie Kidd's style of driving. -Yeah.
Floor it, son! Come on!
-I was getting into it. -Yeah, now, getting into it now.
-- -Did you keep your foot -- in here? Yep, looks like it.
I feel sick.
And there we are, across the line!
(APPLAUSE AND CHEERING)
-All right, then. -You used to be a chauffeur, didn't you?
I did. Yeah.
No. No, no, no. It was...
When you're a chauffeur, you have hours of doing absolutely nothing.
But I had these Arab princes, two little kids,
and four Filipino servants. 12 hours of the day, you do nothing.
And then suddenly, they're in a hurry.
I went down... You know Moscow road, off Notting Hill Gate?
-Yeah, yeah. -It was close, it was really Oldsmobile.
A Porsche and a Rolls Royce were badly parked and I couldn't get through.
They were saying, "Go, get through." I said, "I can't get through."
People started beeping the horn. The kids started hitting me.
I said, "Get off!"
"Get off!" Then I went...
Bang! And I smashed the two cars, alarms went off
and everyone just sat quietly and no-one said a word, and that was it.
Well, it obviously stood you in good stead there
because I've got your time. Now, where do you think you came?
Somewhere between the blind man and Richard Whiteley, I'll be very happy.
Oh, now, that would be the two-minute thing, and as you can see from that,
-Despite the off... -I'd be happy if it was under two minutes.
-I'll be happy with it. -You were well under two minutes.
-Was I? Oh, that's not bad. -You did it in 1.51.5.
-So, if you hadn't gone off... -(APPLAUSE)
Dead heat with Joanna Lumley.
-Oh, fantastic. -Which is fantastic. If you hadn't gone off
on that quick lap,
that would've been a 1.49,
-you could've been easily the fastest... -Oh, really?
You'd have been the fastest Iranian in Britain as well.
Think of that. That's wonderful.
It's been an absolute pleasure having you here.
-Thank you very much. -Ladies and gentlemen, Omid Djalili!
every week, we're guilty of saying that
something is the most important new car of the year.
Well, this week, we actually have got
the most important new car of the year.
-- This isn't it. -- It's the Ford Mondeo.
Now, the Mondeo is spacious.
-- It's safe. -- It's got lots of kit.
And it's excellent to drive.
If you want a car, this is a perfect car.
There's no logical reason why you wouldn't buy one.
-- And once upon a time, -- the nation agreed.
-- When Tony Blair -- fought the 1997 election,
-- he deliberately went after -- Mondeo men.
And it made sense,
-- because there were plenty -- of Mondeo men around.
In 1997, Ford was selling
over 100,000 a year.
-- But since then, something -- extraordinary has happened.
The Mondeo has been outsold
by the BMW 3 Series.
Yep, more people buy the expensive,
executive, ex-directory BMW
than the cheap and cheerful Ford.
Mondeo man has become 3 Series man.
And now, in 2005,
there is a new 3 Series.
-- Naturally, BMW claim -- it's even better
than the old one.
To find out, we must drive it.
-- So let's head -- for 3 Series country,
-- where executives roam -- in hordes.
The M4 corridor.
It's business Britain.
People whoosh up and down here all day, doing... Business.
-- Now, because of the popularity -- of the previous 3 Series,
-- you'd expect the new one -- to be an instant success.
Ruler of all it surveys
-- in the business parts -- of Swindon and Reading.
-- But recently, BMW has been -- dropping the ball,
-- particularly with -- the love-or-hate looks
of the 1, 5 and 7 Series.
That's why the new 3
-- looks so much more -- conservative.
And it's the same in here.
This dash used to curve 'round like the cockpit of a fighter plane,
-- but now, it's as straight -- as a piece of celery.
And just as interesting.
I'm not happy with that,
because I like that full-fat Z4.
In 20 years' time, that car will be remembered
This car will be remembered as...
Well, it won't be remembered.
-- The looks, then, -- are no big deal.
A disappointment, in fact.
-- But, when you look at this car -- as a machine,
well, that is a different matter.
Take the engine. It's a two-litre turbo diesel.
Doesn't sound that exciting.
But it's got 163-brake horsepower,
and the straight-line speed is fantastic.
0-60 in 8.1 seconds.
That's two seconds faster than a Jaguar X-Type
or a Mercedes C-Class.
Then there's the ride.
-- This has been shameful on -- new BMWs of late.
That's because they seem to be obsessed
with using these run-flat tyres,
which mean the car drives along the tarmac
with all the subtlety of a clown fight.
But in the 3 Series, the suspension has been designed
to work with those run-flat tyres.
The result... Fantastic.
The ride's firm. I mean, I know I'm on the road,
I'm not driving on a marshmallow highway.
But I like it like that.
-- Then there's the issue -- of value for money.
Standard equipment on a BMW used to be the windscreen,
and all the air in here.
That was free as well.
Now, though, this SE version costs £24,000,
and you get a CD player, six airbags,
park distance control, cruise control,
climate control, traction control
that's a lot of control.
Mind you, floor mats, an extra 75 quid.
So they still haven't completely lost the art of ripping you off.
-- So, it's got the power, -- the ride is better,
-- you get more stuff -- for your money...
-- And now, I'm getting off -- the motorway and
onto the A roads, which is where
the BMW should deliver its keynote speech.
This is where it absolutely
and categorically has to succeed.
A BMW that handles badly
-- is a completely -- pointless object.
The good news is, it doesn't disappoint.
It's an almost perfect 50/50 weight distribution,
which means the car is balanced.
The body is stiffer. The chassis is stiffer.
The whole thing holds together better.
The suspension keeps everything...
Oh, look at that!
I'm driving a four-door, four-seater,
mid-sized saloon with a diesel engine.
I should be bored rigid,
but I'm not.
It's a bit like U2.
You know you're supposed to hate them,
and then you hear their new album and you think,
"Oh, bugger, they've done it again."
-- I've had a damned good drive -- in the new 3 Series and
I can report that as a machine
it is fantastic.
What amazes me, though, what I keep thinking about,
is this business of the out-selling of Ford Mondeo,
a car that we know is brilliant
and costs 10 grand less.
It's hard to fathom
-- until you drive around -- and look
at modern Britain.
The answer is right there.
Why do we want M&S, when we can get
Armani and Tommy Hilfiger
here on the high street?
The Ford is M&S. It's the wrong brand.
We don't want middle of the road.
We don't want to live on the Close any more.
We want to live in modern developments
with hard drives in the walls so we can download our iTunes
and DVDs to play on our flat-screen plasmas.
-- A BMW 3 Series is the car -- for all this.
-- The engineering -- might be great,
-- but the snob value -- of the badge is even stronger.
But there's a problem with that.
The very reason you buy a BMW,
because it's exclusive and different,
well, it just isn't... Not anymore.
--CLARKSON: Mmm, -- it's a tricky one, isn't it?
-It is tricky. -Because as a piece of engineering,
-this is fantastic. -It's awesome. It is brilliant.
And great to drive. It really is, yeah.
A couple of things though. When I'm looking at it,
it's like an enormous sofa
with four little castors on the bottom.
The wheels are very small. (ALL LAUGHING)
-Yeah, when you look at it... -They're buried in there. And the other thing is,
if you buy one of these, what you're saying is,
"I have no imagination."
So, given that that one goes out the window,
what would you have?
Uh, well if I really wanted to stand out from the crowd
and have something a little bit different,
I would have the Mondeo.
Yes, that alternative car,
but these... Every time I drive one of those, I think this is...
This is brilliant. Yeah.
It is a very good car.
They are absolutely brilliant. Uh...
We've also got a few more in the studio.
A Honda Accord. James May loves that one.
He does. It is a very good car.
It is a very good car. Audi A4.
HAMMOND: Rides too hard. Mmm.
So this, I think as we can see,
very, very difficult.
And for that reason, we have, over here,
the Top Gear Down To Earth Board.
Now, we use this, well,
we used it once. (LAUGHS)
Actually, to sort the wheat from the chaff,
we're trying to determine which of a particular segment of the market...
Which cars we would actually
buy with our own money. Hmm.
So we've got here the Primera.
CLARKSON: No. Not really.
The Peugeot. Looks good.
-Looks very good, but no. It can fall to pieces. -No.
Made by people who eat onions.
Vauxhall Vectra. Anyone got one?
MAN: I have.
Who? Who says? You have?
-And you're a big chap. It's a nice car. -Yes, I noticed it.
Good, good choice, sir.
I may have been wrong about that earlier.
Which one would you have?
Which one would you steal?
You just look like a car thief, that's all.
Anyone under 25 is a car thief in my book.
-A Passat. -Jack, you got the Passat.
The Passat. It's a quality car though.
For the money.
I'd have... I'd have...
I'd have that one,
the Mazda 6.
Because it's very good value for money, okay.
It won't go wrong. It looks very good and it's fantastic to drive.
It is a very good car. I do like that.
I like the Laguna.
Safe car. Hmm...
But I'd also I'd also like the Saab.
CLARKSON: Jaguar? No, no.
You've got the Merc C class problem.
No, I would have the new VW Passat.
I drove this recently. It's a good car to drive.
Slightly more expensive than that, but not by much.
And it's got a quality feel.
That girl behind you is taller than you.
She is taller than me. I'm aware of that.
I haven't even turned 'round. I know she's taller.
She's also... She's come here in her nightie,
which is quite funny.
You are wearing your pyjamas.
Yeah, I'm wearing pyjamas,
don't be embarrassed.
-Yes. -Anyway, a Top Gear Top Tip there.
If you want the best car in the class, you buy the BMW 3 Series.
If you want to be perceived as a human being,
get one of those.
Right, now, over the last few weeks
you have all very kindly been there
e-mailing with your nominations for the greatest
driving song of all time.
And the results are not very encouraging.
No, it's been going desperately well.
The thing is, you see, last week,
Meat Loaf, Bat Out of Hel--l was at the top of the running.
And we asked you... Well, actually, we implored,
we begged you
to vote and do something about it.
And you know what, it's made no difference.
'Cause look. Here's the top five and
it's still in the running.
Now, we know how many people
voted for the fat oaf.
HAMMOND: Yes. Okay?
More importantly, we know where you live.
Yes. (CROWD LAUGHING)
So, you're not a fan of Meat Loaf either then?
No. HAMMOND: Really?
No. That's funny!
So, how then would you explain this?
It's Clarkson Rocks
Full Throttle Anthems,--a CD give away with the newspaper and on the back,
I don't know why I'm telling you, these are your favourite tracks.
You know what's on here. Number two, Meat Loaf.
Bat Out Of Hell...
Because it was...
It was a long time ago.
Hmm, 2004, it says.
Listen, the point about this is Meat Loaf hasn't actually won yet.
What we have here is simply the top five nominations
in no particular order.
What we're going to do over the next five weeks
is feature one song per show.
We're gonna tell you all about it.
A bit about how it was written and so on.
And then you get a chance to vote for it by telephone.
Yes, on the final show of the series,
we can show you the winner,
the ultimate, the overall top track.
All you have to do is ring 09011 98 6363,
and then you press one for Golden Earring,
two for Steppenwolf, three for Queen,
four for Deep Purple, five for Meat Loaf,
assuming you can get your fat,
swollen, sweaty stumps
of inbred fingers onto the phone.
I should explain, calls costs 10p.
Now, we've got to move on.
A lot of new small cars have been launched recently.
And the producer said that thousands and thousands of people
are going to buy them.
And that it was our responsibility to test them.
Now, frankly, this was a shoulder-sagging moment, really.
Not a good prospect,
and then I had a brainwave.
Instead of us testing them,
we'd get them tested by Mrs Hammond, Mrs May and Mrs Clarkson.
The first complaint, the cups are dirty.
--CLARKSON: -- This is Mrs Hammond.
-- Currently she drives -- a Mazda 626,
but she once had a Volvo 340,
which she describes as lovely.
-- So we can see where her son -- gets his taste in cars from.
This is Mrs Clarkson.
-- She doesn't care what car -- she drives
-- so long as it has -- an automatic gearbox
and Classic FM on the stereo.
-- So naturally, she has -- a Honda Jazz.
And finally, this is Mrs May,
who has a SEAT Arosa.
-- She's been done for -- speeding twice,
-- which is two times more -- than James.
--HAMMOND: So that's -- the mothers...
-- And these are the cars -- they'll be testing.
-- The new Renault Modus. --Honey, I Shrunk The Espace.
It's crammed with lots of storage space and versatile seating.
-- Then there's the space-age -- Peugeot 1007.
-- This has -- electronic sliding doors
and a pick-and-mix dashboard.
-- And finally, -- there's the new Honda Jazz.
But when I say new,
it has new headlamps.
-- No real tricks here, -- but it is a Honda.
-- So it's likely to last -- even longer than our mothers.
Anyway, it's time now to introduce the cars to our mums...
Wouldn't it be funny if they hit each other?
-- ...and get their -- expert opinions.
One's yellow, what's the other?
Blue and a ghastly green.
-- Clearly some blanks -- need to be filled in.
Hello, James. Hi there.
There they are. They're all small cars.
The viewers, they want to know
which is the best car, from your point of view.
Because if it's just us, we'll drive 'round corners too fast and squeal rubber.
And that'll be pointless. Right.
They all cost between £11,000 and £12,000.
They're all small, they've all got 1.4-litre engines.
Is the heater on? The heaters are on.
Oh, good. They're warm.
They're all going to have heaters.
You'd be hard pressed to find anything...
-Yeah. -If I say I don't like the Jazz,
will you still speak to me?
--MAY: With the bones -- of the cars explained,
we thought it might be a good idea to crack on with things.
Now, time for the first challenge,
the living with it test.
I've set up all three cars for us,
not our mums.
What we want to know is how easy or hard it is for them
to get settled in and make themselves at home.
Yeah, now, on the signal, the mothers are going to run to the cars,
Le Mans style, unlock the doors, get in,
they'll have to adjust the seats, adjust the mirrors,
change the radio station
from Kiss FM to Classic FM, and then,
unlike any other motor race you've ever seen,
the winner is the first one to set off.
CLARKSON: The conventional Honda should play well here,
-- unlike the more -- high-tech Frenchies.
-- Especially the Peugeot -- with its electric doors
and flappy paddle gearbox.
And they're off!
No, no, no...
-- Mrs Clarkson goes -- for the Peugeot.
Mrs Hammond for the Renault.
The child-locks must be on.
-- And Mrs May for -- the simple-as-you-like Honda.
You need your seat in a comfortable position.
I'm not here to help you.
I'm here to make sure you don't cheat.
Do you like the doors? No.
I can't help you.
I gotta need to check that you don't cheat.
But there is a knob on the right.
-Oh, yes! I got it! -There you go. Right. Excellent.
-What did you fiddle with? -Nothing, I was just checking it was all working.
Oh, heavens! Mrs May
has already got her engine started!
You need to press the button that unfolds the mirrors.
Are you gonna put your specs on?
Do I... Engine.
I'm pressing the little button and nothing's happening.
Just check my hair. Yes.
-There's a keyhole, -Key...
No. Because it's over...
-Ooh! -There's your wipers.
Those are wipers.
CLARKSON: That's your indicator on.
Yeah, what you're doing there is pressing every button
until you hear Terry Wogan!
Right. That's Radio 1.
Oh, foot on the brake. Is that it?
Yes! Ah, you see?
(WHISPERING) They've been corrupted.
No, that's 4.
This is technically a race.
That's too far! It seeks.
Yes! Yes! Go!
Mrs May is underway.
That's easy... Well, good on her!
No, no, no. It's just that must mean that
the Honda Jazz is an easy car. -It costs to understand. -Okay.
We're good to go.
The Mays have gone.
Clarkson's not going anywhere.
So close! Oh, and it's gone away!
It was on the dashboard and it's gone!
You got it!
That's better. Okay, go!
Now, we move into the flappy paddle gearbox.
Put it into auto? Could do.
Will it go now? May do.
We're moving! We're not...
We're not. The handbrake's on. Now!
Hooray! There is movement!
CLARKSON: So then, a clear victory for the Honda Jazz
-- in the user -- friendliness test.
And a solid last place
-- for the decidedly -- unfriendly Peugeot.
-- But what will happen in -- the next challenge?
Right. It's time to test these cars for outright speed.
To do that, we've organised a special mothers' drag race.
CLARKSON: The clear favourite is the Renault Modus.
-- Goes from 0-60 -- in 11.5 seconds,
-- thanks to its 97-brake -- horsepower engine.
-- Whereas the Peugeot, -- with just 75-brake horsepower
-- and those -- heavy electric doors,
is the rank outsider.
Slow start, that.
The lights were green for 15 minutes.
Come on, come on.
It's 0-60 in 18 seconds, the Peugeot.
Did the Renault win there?
CLARKSON: Yes, it did,
-- pipping the Honda and -- thrashing the Peugeot!
How fast were you going when you went across the line?
No idea. I didn't look at it.
Anyone see a speedometer?
Can we do it again?
Not really, no.
HAMMOND: So, one victory each for the Renault and the Honda,
and nothing for the Peugeot.
-- But our maternal shoot-out -- isn't over yet.
Now, it's time to find out which of the cars
is the most practical and commodious,
by jamming them full of as much stuff as possible.
We're just using boxes of old junk
cleared out from the mothers' lofts,
the kind of old tat that nobody could possibly
want or be prepared to read.
In this one.
I'm not gonna help.
Little bit under there. Got it. Little handle.
-Open that. -That's very easy, isn't it?
Yes. No, Mum, really. Relax.
You've done something to it.
It's got a double feature. You can do this,
it's just a little,
-if you just want to throw something in. -Uh-huh.
It's called the shopping chute.
Or you can open the whole boot.
Now, if you look under the D of Modus, there...
HAMMOND: In this test we're looking not just at how big the boot is,
but also at how clever it is.
-No, you can take the whole thing out. -Okay.
Okay. Then this is...
-Right. -If you lift up the seat squab,
pull it up... That's it. There, look!
So if you've been to the garden centre and have a yucca plant...
-Without having to do the whole of the back? -Yeah.
--HAMMOND: The Renault had -- a party piece too.
If you've got three people sitting in the back,
one, two, three, it'll only go back to there.
If you've got two,
you lift that up,
lift those in,
and then it'll go all the way back to there.
HAMMOND: Sounds good! Until your mum tries to do it.
Oh, yes. I see.
You slide the whole seat back.
So, you see now.
They weren't thinking of you when they did that.
No, can't do that. Can't do that?
--HAMMOND: In fact, -- moving the Modus' seats
-- was a hefty job from -- any angle.
Well! Wait a minute...
HAMMOND: The Peugeot, however, was starting to come good at last.
Pull that. Perfect.
And we're away. Is that easy?
That was very easy, yes.
I'm not supposed to help you, but...
But I think you might. Yes, mum.
This... If you had a really heavy load, that's quite high.
Back load space like that is nice.
That's good. That's very good.
Now, you can't slide anything across.
Because there's a lump, look.
On normal Top Gear, we miss that kind of thing.
Do you know, they got 19 gymnasts
in this when they launched it?
All from China, no doubt.
-James. Look what I've just found in Hammond's box! -Yes.
-Ooh! -They're his publicity pictures!
Look at that. Late Night Love.
Late Night Love--on 96.3 Cleveland FM with Richard Hammond.
But look. This is just one of 30 radio stations...
I can see why he gets the job hosting Crufts.
You don't want that.
CLARKSON: With the last of the boxes loaded, the mothers discussed
-- which car should have -- the practicality prize.
But you don't have to have it all open at the same time.
That's what's good. Whereas these you do.
My mother is... Yeah.
That's her telephone voice.
(IMITATING MRS HAMMOND) Hey, look, you see? The seats fold flat!
Don't put that in or I'm dead.
This wasn't heavy to do, but as I say...
You missed having the back door,
to be able to get in at the side.
So Jazz... I got the Jazz.
-And I have to say, I'm not gonna swap it. -Yeah.
No, I can see why.
--CLARKSON: So, -- another win for the Jazz,
-- making it two wins -- for the Honda,
-- one for the Renault, -- in the drag race,
and no points for the Peugeot.
-- Next, though, -- our mums took us for a drive
-- to see what the cars -- were like on the move.
Can we go really fast?
As fast as you like.
It's a pretty safe track.
But there are things coming the other way.
You've got a steering wheel.
-Did you bring me a fruit cake? -I brought you two.
I brought you one fruit cake, one date and walnut cake.
Er... Oh, for goodness' sake!
You adjust the mirrors... There!
No, that's the door.
No, that's the windows! No, there.
No, it isn't. It is!
Ah. It just is!
Both hands on the wheel.
Why the sliding doors? What's the idea behind it?
Well, it's supposedly so that in car parks and places,
we don't have to open the door out.
They slide so it doesn't clog the car next to it.
But it is very nice. It's very smooth, the gear change is easy.
CLARKSON: Some of this car...
Some of it I have to say,
-if I were reviewing it... -Well, the designers obviously thought,
"For crying out loud, what can we do now?
"We've done everything."
What you haven't got is as much access to get in the back seat
as you would have in a four-door car.
That's a good point.
CLARKSON: The Renault is the safest of few in the front,
-- the safest for children -- in the back,
-- but it's not so good -- if you run someone over.
Oh, no! You know the boot chute?
Yes? 200 quid.
It is... I think it's slightly noisier.
-Sports... -That's why I don't like low-profile tyres,
because you can feel the road, can't you?
Where did you learn that?
--MAY: Crikey! -- And on that bombshell,
-- it was time for a lap -- of our track.
Not the whole one obviously.
We don't have time for that.
So, just the bottom end.
-- Mrs Hammond was first, -- in the Honda Jazz.
-Yes, go. -What was the veering off to the left?
Getting lined up.
CLARKSON: She's indicating! (LAUGHING)
She's a safe and sensible driver!
I don't see anything wrong...
I think we should stress at this point
that we're not actually gonna learn anything
in this exercise.
And it's a...
ALL: A 1.17.9.
What is that?
--CLARKSON: So, can Mrs May -- beat that in the Renault?
James, she's so much faster than you.
I've never seen you drive this aggressively.
MAY: That's why I don't.
Because I was traumatized as a small boy
-in the back of a Mark 1 Cortina. -It's put you off.
She double de-clutched!
She just did a 1.11.8.
You know how there's global speculation as to
the identity of The Stig?
--CLARKSON: -- And then it was my mum's turn.
What you're gonna see now... I'm expecting aggression.
No. You're gonna see now
a 70-year-old woman
in a very heavy car.
HAMMOND: It doesn't pull away quickly, does it?
That is such a slow car.
She'll be on the phone by now.
-She's into the hammerhead, not lost. -HAMMOND: This is quick!
CLARKSON: Pretty much stationary there, to be brutally honest.
Here it comes. 1.11 to beat.
A 1.17.3. So...
What we've proved here is the slowest car
is the second-fastest.
--CLARKSON: With -- all the tests completed,
-- we asked our mums to retire -- and consider a verdict.
-- Unfortunately, -- they got side-tracked.
-Six letters, beginning with A. -It's not cryptic?
-- So, we got them seated -- 'round a table.
So, go on. You've got all the
information, you have driven all the cars.
I would have the Jazz,
because it handles well,
there's lots of space in the back.
Also, when the back seats were down,
there was very little room for your legs for driving.
I couldn't get the seat back far enough.
I didn't notice. Although we sort of think,
"Hey, those sliding doors are great." Buzz...
I absolutely guarantee you, like having an old internet connection,
after two days you'd get really impatient.
Because they're too slow.
They are slow! There's another thing.
Good for getting into the front,
but as you pointed out...
No good for getting in the back.
-Saw the back half off. -They don't come back far enough.
Okay then, so we've got the Renault and the Honda Jazz.
-You've declared your support for the Honda Jazz. -Yeah.
Even though the Renault is plainly...
Cheaper, faster, bigger. Yeah.
Well, I was all for the Jazz,
until I drove the Renault.
And I started to waiver.
--Although I wasn't driving Top Gear--speed on the track...
-CLARKSON: Oh, I don't know! Ooh! -Oh, no.
Going around those bends, it stuck like glue to the road.
That was a one minute, 11-second lap you did there.
I still think overall
I would go for the Jazz,
because I think it's a more attractive car to look at.
But I still... Still want the Jazz. It's a very nice car.
CLARKSON: And there we are, a unanimous verdict
in favour of the Honda Jazz.
(AUDIENCE APPLAUDS AND CHEERS)
Well done, our mums!
Well done, mums.
Well done, mummies.
Now, yes. That was...
That was a predictable verdict.
Oh, no, no, no, hang on.
I think they were right about the Peugeot.
Because, come on, if we'd tested this, we'd have spent all day without
buttoning... Buzz. And we're saying "Hey, this is like Star Trek!"
But our mothers were able to see
beyond that, and recognize the rest
of this car is rubbish!
-It is. -It is. Peugeot really is rubbish.
And thing is, though, I don't think the Jazz is the best.
-I think the Renault's the best. -I think you're right.
-I think Renault is the best. -So we all think the Renault's best.
Interesting, isn't it? Your mother knows best,
but not on this occasion.
And on that blue-rinsed bombshell,
it's time to end the show.
So, we'll see you next week. Goodnight!