Top Gear (2002–…): Season 6, Episode 2 - Episode #6.2 - full transcript
Jeremy reviews Maserati's latest super-car, the MC12. The team are challenged to buy 2-door coupés that are not Porsches for under £1500, so James buys a Jaguar XJS, Richard a BMW 635 CSi and Jeremy a Mitsubishi Starion turbo, and they put them through a series of tests to see who got the best deal. Comedian Jack Dee is the Star In A Reasonably Priced Car.
CLARKSON: Tonight, old Jaguars, should you buy one?
Old BMWs, are they as well-made as we think?
And old Mitsubishis, should you drive a car built by an aeroplane-maker?
Good evening. And we start tonight with the highlight of my childhood.
--It's The Ladybird Book of Motorcars--from 1963,
and as you'd imagine, it's full of rubbish, really.
Just endless boring grey shapes, until you get to Page 40,
where you find that, the Maserati 3500 GT.
Now, this for me, when I was little,
was like Jordan and Cameron Diaz in a bath together.
With a lightning jet-fighter and lots of jelly.
I could say "Maserati" before I could say "Mummy".
Because of this picture. Maseratis...
They were just the business!
CLARKSON: This is one of the cars from the company's long and illustrious history,
a 150-mile an hour sports saloon called the Biturbo.
-- Only this is -- no ordinary Biturbo.
I've just bought it, and this is what I think of it.
-- The Biturbo -- got what it deserved
because it was an affront to one of the best badges in the business.
Fifty or so years ago,
Maserati won the Grand Prix World Championship with this car,
the face-bending 250F.
It was a 250F like this that took Juan Manuel Fangio to victory
in one of the most exciting Formula One races of all time.
-- Halfway through the Grand Prix -- at the Nurburgring in Germany,
he emerged from the pit a minute, a full minute, behind the leaders.
-- Victory looked impossible, -- but in the next 22 laps,
-- he broke the lap record -- 10 times.
Then, with just two laps to go, he surged past Mike Hawthorn's Ferrari,
-- This man is what Maseratis -- are all about,
Moss and Fangio, power-sliding heroes in polo shirts and leather hats.
I'm sitting here leaning on a huge metal fuel tank
with a prop shaft spinning between my legs at 3,000 RPM.
I've got drum brakes
and I've got tyres that'd be more at home on a Raleigh Chopper push bike.
So, it was 1950s technology
-- but there was nothing 1950-ish -- about the speed.
-- Its 2.5-litre -- straight six engine
-- pumps out around -- 270 brake horsepower,
-- a lot in a car that weighs -- less than a Lotus Elise.
That means naught to 60 in 4.3 seconds.
The top speed is 165 miles an hour.
Oh, yes! Oh!
Oh, boy! This is so amazing!
I've got no seat belts, there's no roll bar...
And I don't care!
Michael Schumacher is gay!
Oh, no! I'm spinning in a million pounds!
I've just spun a car worth a million pounds.
-- The 250F -- is an astonishing car.
-- And it should have been -- a genetic launch pad,
-- the foundation on which -- the company could build.
-- But instead, -- the company went bust.
-- Over the years, it was owned -- by just about everyone.
The Italian government, De Tomaso, Chrysler, Fiat, even Citroen.
They all thought they could recreate the glory days.
And they all failed.
-- But then, in 1997, -- Maserati was taken over
-- by the biggest name -- in the business, Ferrari.
Ferrari decided that what Maserati needed most of all
was a racing car.
-- So, they took their Enzo, -- gave it some new clothes,
-and created something called the MC12. -(BRAKES SCREECHING)
-- Actually, this -- is the convertible,
the quietened down, road-going version of the racer.
But it still has the same six-litre V12 engine as the Enzo
-- and the same -- carbon fibre skeleton.
-- So, it should -- still be pretty brisk.
Oh, my God!
Oh, that's so quick!
What a bonkers car!
-It's rather a fun machine! -(BRAKES SCREECHING)
Quietening that big V12 down
doesn't really do anything because it's like adding a splash of orange juice
to a pint of gin.
It's still gonna make you very, very drunk!
The 630-horsepower MC12 goes from naught to 60 in 3.8 seconds.
Flat out, it'll be doing 208.
-- So, it's just as fast -- as the Enzo,
-- and that's the fastest car -- we've ever tested here.
It's easy to be seduced by the speed, but don't be,
-- because this car -- has a few problems.
Because this car was designed for racing, it has a huge rear spoiler,
but don't worry about this blocking rear visibility
-- because there's -- no back window.
-- And then there's the sheer -- size of the thing.
But the only thing that dwarfs this is the price tag.
There's something else, too.
Racing cars which have been converted for road use never really work.
It's like making a hardcore adult film
and then editing it so that it can be shown in British hotels.
You just end up with a half-hour close-up
of some bloke's sweaty face. (MIMICS GRUNTING)
-The MC12 then is a bit blurred. -(BRAKES SCREECHING)
Is it a racer? Is it a GT car?
-- Is it a de-tuned Enzo -- in a fat suit?
You can't really tell.
-- Yes, it is very, very, very, -- very, very fast.
-- But it's far too big, -- far too ugly.
-- And if you put your foot down, -- far too tricky.
It's one of the most difficult, recalcitrant and twitchy cars
I've ever driven.
-- Sure, it's already -- winning races,
-- but I'm afraid -- that like the Biturbo,
-- it absolutely -- doesn't win my heart.
Now, since we've made that film,
Maserati is no longer under the control of Ferrari.
They've been moved to be under the control of Alfa Romeo,
and soon, I've heard, they're gonna be for sale again.
Yeah, but enough about all of that stuff.
I still can't believe that you don't like this thing.
Oh, I'm sorry! 412,000 quid for a car that doesn't know what it is?
And you know, I said in the film, it's got no back window?
-Yeah. -Look, I mean, it really has got no back window.
No, you're right. There actually isn't one, is there?
But, and you can't deny this, it is seriously fast.
(EXCLAIMS MOCKINGLY) It's quick, it's just...
Honestly, I really do believe that it will go round our track faster than the Enzo.
-No! -I do. Who'd like to see that?
-AUDIENCE: Yes! -Well, you can't.
-(AUDIENCE SIGHING) -Because... No, sorry,
The Stig is psyching himself up
and he's gonna be ready to do that at the end of the show.
So for now, we'll do the news.
And we begin with the Honda FR-V,
which is now available with a 2.2-litre diesel engine, offering 45 miles per gallon,
and at price of £17,500.
-That's not very interesting. -No, that's not very interesting.
But what is interesting is the photograph they've sent us
to illustrate the three abreast seating arrangement in the front.
Here it is. And as you can see,
this lovely couple have severed their daughter's head
-(AUDIENCE LAUGHING) -and mounted it on the dashboard.
-Well, they have! -I think it's actually an air freshener.
I think they're making those radar speed detectors illegal, aren't they?
-(CLARKSON LAUGHS) -I think her eyes glow red.
If you come up, "Ooh, slow down!"
Have you seen their faces?
-"Yes, we've chopped our daughter's head off." -Yes, we have!
MAY: I'll give you, "Are we there yet?", you spoilt brat.
Now, product of the week. We had to do some car cleaning this week.
So, we came up with this. It's a super value five-pack sponge.
-Price does not include a sponge obviously on that. -MAY: Yes.
Now, there's a lot of new cars this week to get through. So very quickly...
Saab of course, cars for nice people, as we're all agreed.
There's a new one, an estate version.
There it is. It's not actually got a very big boot,
but there's room in there for your nice dog.
And it is quite a nice-looking car.
-It's a nice-looking car. -MAY: Yes.
And then Humvee, they've announced they're gonna make a new version
which they're gonna send over here.
There it is. It's a lot smaller than a normal Humvee.
Hopefully Greenpeace will be using that as a company car.
-Probably not. -CLARKSON: No, they won't, will they?
No, I can't see that, no.
Now the MX-5, the car that sort of kick-started the roadster revival.
-Yeah. -It's over 15 years old but there is a new one.
It's a bit bigger, it's a little bit heavier,
but it's a lot more powerful and look at it.
-It's gorgeous. -It is gorgeous.
CLARKSON: I love these flared wheel arches.
Yeah. Better interior as well. That's gonna be about £18,500.
-And I think that's corking. -CLARKSON: It is brilliant.
That's out in November, just in time for the end of summer.
-Right. -Brilliant. Nice timing from Mazda!
Um, I've got a car here. This from Ferrari.
It's called the Ferrari Superamerica.
It's a 575 with a roof cut off.
They say this is the fastest convertible in the world.
199 miles an hour, naught to 60 in about 4.1 seconds,
-No, it isn't. -What?
It isn't the fastest convertible in the world.
-Porsche Carrera GT, that's quicker. -True.
Uh... What the, um, thing I drove earlier,
Maserati, MC Hammer, that's quicker.
Third fastest convertible in the world.
-There's a Zonda convertible. -Fourth fastest...
-And the Koenigsegg. -It's the fifth... It's just a fast convertible.
-And the Murcielago. -Sixth or... It's a very fast Ferrari.
The worst thing about this though is,
we've got a picture of it from the back.
It's just... Look, it's horrid.
In a 575, you can't see this, which is how you're not being sick.
-(AUDIENCE LAUGHING) -It's really not a good-looking car, that.
It's gonna have another problem, I reckon,
because they way it works is this roof here hinges over and folds down,
sort of flips over onto the back deck there,
where it lies in that sort of shape when it's raining
just before you put it up, like a sort of,
-(AUDIENCE LAUGHS) -let's say, a big, shallow bucket.
Anyway, last week, we were complaining
that Honda didn't make enough exciting cars for us in the UK.
-CLARKSON: Yeah. -And they've responded very quickly with this,
-which apparently is going to be the new Civic, £12,000. -HAMMOND: Wow!
CLARKSON: It's great. I'd have one.
-You wouldn't really, though, would you? -No, but my mum would.
Yes, there you go.
And you'd go, "Cool, Mum, that's a great car".
You'd like this. It's your age. You wanna come have a look?
It's aimed at your age group.
You like that?
It looks good next to him.
Yeah. You'd go really well together.
Hey, now last week,
we invited you all to send in your suggestions for the best ever driving song,
the one that makes you put your foot down a little bit when you hear it, okay.
Now, we have a problem.
Because this is an ongoing thing through the series,
but we're keeping tabs on how we're doing.
-And I've got here the chart so far and at number five... -Yes?
It's Cliff Richard.
-You've got to be joking. -I bet it was him.
The other disappointment thing, in the top 20,
there's no Doobie Brothers. Now...
No, that's not a disappointment.
That's a good thing we're trying to keep.
Don't vote for... Anything Jeremy mentions, don't vote for it.
-You went on Radio 1 this week, okay? -Yes.
He was on radio, which is a small radio station for 4-year-olds, okay.
-(AUDIENCE LAUGHS) -And he said...
He said that the best ever driving song was by a band called...
What are they called? The Baby Snatchers?
The BodyRockers, you poor, bewildered old fool.
So, I went to a record shop, okay, and I said, "Please can I have that record..."
Did they laugh?
Yes. And I brought it along, okay.
This is the song that he says is the best...
"Yes, I'm gonna put my foot down..." Okay, ready?
-Well, it's the intro, you berk! -It's a blacksmith's shop.
Here comes my 6-year-old with her Fisher-Price hammer.
-It's rubbish! -(IMITATES CLARKSON) I can't understand the words.
-It's rubbish! -That is working for me!
It's better than the garbage you've been promoting.
If you want a drum intro, Watcher of the Skies by Genesis.
-MAY: No, he's right. -Is that some prog-rock rubbish?
-He is right. -Watcher of the Skies by Genesis.
-I'm leaving. -Fine, goodbye.
Um, no really, I do wanna see more votes
for the Doobie Brothers rocking in this week.
Don't vote for... Vote for something more recent than that.
Um, to vote, please just go to the website,
-which is bbc... -Doobie Brothers.
-Do not vote for any of his stuff. -(AUDIENCE LAUGHS)
-Steely Dan. -Save me from these people!
Right, enough of this pop nonsense. Have a look at this.
What we have here is the new Jaguar XK.
How about that?
Now, Jaguar say that this is only a concept car,
but don't be fooled by that, because we've seen the real thing,
and we happen to know that this is exactly the same.
Now, this has been designed by the same man who did the Aston Martin DB9,
using a piece of tracing paper.
What we do know about it is that it's going to be on sale early next year,
with prices from about £50,000.
There'll be the 4.2 V8 engine that we're already familiar with,
in super-charged form as well,
and we have heard from one of our spies,
that there's going to be a very special edition with up to 500 horsepower.
So, ordered a Porsche 911?
Kept the receipt, did you?
You know what that is, don't you, that Jag?
It's a DB9 for 50 grand off. That's what it is.
Anyway, you may remember in the last series,
we each bought a Porsche for less than £1,500. Do you remember that?
-AUDIENCE: Yes. -And in doing so,
we proved that you can't buy a Porsche for less than 1,500 quid.
-HAMMOND: Yes. -Not if you want to go anywhere in it, anyway.
No. They were rubbish. They really were rubbish.
So then, the producers came up with a bit of a wizard wheeze.
They gave us a budget again of 1,500 quid, but this time they said,
"Go and buy any two-door sports coupe you like that isn't a Porsche".
Yeah, and then they said, "Okay, when you've got your cars,
"you meet up, and there'll be a series of tests".
--CLARKSON: Our meeting point -- was Millbrook in Bedfordshire,
-- the biggest and most daunting -- test track in Britain.
Its two-mile banked circuit,
its rough roads and its formidable Alpine handling track
-- are designed to test -- brand new cars to destruction.
So, what kind of havoc will they wreak on our 1,500 quid bangers?
I was the first to arrive with my two-door coupe that isn't a Porsche.
-What it is, is a Mitsubishi Starion. -(CAR DOOR CREAKS)
I've, um... I've always loved these things,
and this is the last one ever imported into Britain.
It's a wide-bodied 2.6-litre turbo, 14 years old.
It's done 81,000 miles.
A few bumps and scrapes, of course, but mechanically, quite good order.
-- James had bought himself -- a 1,000-year-old antique.
It's a Jag. It's got 12 cylinders, and it's gold, sir.
Look at that!
CLARKSON: I'm really quite cross, because it doesn't appear to...
I mean, I assumed... I never bothered looking for an XJS,
because I thought it would just be rubbish for this money.
I never bothered looking for a Starion,
because I just knew it was rubbish, full stop.
CLARKSON: Don't you like the DeLorean rear thing?
Yes. Did DeLorean use gaffer tape as well?
--CLARKSON: And finally, -- Hammond arrived.
I knew he'd buy a BMW. A-reg?
I say, it looks very good.
Your handbrake working well there then, is it?
-Yeah, I'll... (MUMBLES) -Is it? Oh, dear!
It's, you know, reasonably well...
(CHUCKLES) Anyway, he's bought a grandfather clock!
He has. Let's just have a look at this.
-What? -Is it an M... What is it?
-He's forgotten to put his red braces on. -CLARKSON: 633?
HAMMOND: This is a 635, 1983. CLARKSON: 5?
HAMMOND: Oh, yeah. CLARKSON: That's a 635?
635, within budget. What have you got?
(LAUGHS) Oh, my God!
CLARKSON: What? HAMMOND: It's a wheelie-bin. Look at it.
We have to get on with this challenge. Have you seen under his car?
HAMMOND: A pool of oil and it's growing.
MAY: Oh, there's plenty in there though.
So, first challenge, and it is here. Thank you very much.
"High-speed bowl challenge.
"You will drive around the banked high-speed circuit as quickly as possible.
"140 miles an hour is your target speed.
"Points are lost for failing to achieve it and gained for beating it."
Okay, here we go.
The top speed of that car,
when it was shiny and new in 1984, was 142 miles an hour.
Many, many years and moons have passed since then.
--CLARKSON: The Hamster -- was in the wheel,
-- but his car wasn't going -- to be rushed.
I don't think it's got much more to give.
CLARKSON: 115 miles an hour, Hamster?
HAMMOND: (OVER RADIO) I've only got 110 showing on the clock.
You see? It's a BMW. It's being discreet and underestimating its speed!
HAMMOND: How do I get off?
Right, here we are entering the bowl.
Here he comes! Here he comes!
CLARKSON: That's the slowest car ever at Millbrook.
I'm moving into the top lane.
-CLARKSON: Oh! -Flipping heck!
That felt, ugh...
-That's oil. -Good God, this is awful.
And what was the speed?
-Error. -What do you mean, "error"?
He'll never do that again!
Why doesn't that ever happen with the police?
It smells, the oil pressure has disappeared.
It's going to explode!
Look at the smoke.
--CLARKSON: -- James's grandfather clock
had reached the 140-mile-hour target speed, but it had paid the price.
-Ow! -(RADIATOR SIZZLING)
Yep, that's broken.
-It looks awful. -Limping out. It sounds terrible.
CLARKSON: And to start with, it was disappointingly slow, but I wasn't worried.
I do have one secret weapon, which is, the bloke I bought it from
has fitted some device to the turbocharger, and I'm not joking,
that gives me sort of extra boost.
I'm gonna try that... Now.
-(ENGINE ROARING) -Oh, my God!
--CLARKSON: The afterburner -- certainly upped the speed,
-- but unfortunately, -- it also undressed the car.
Where's his thing gone off the back?
(LAUGHS) Yes, right. Is that your attempt at going faster,
shedding weight on the way around?
-How fast was it? -Uh, 100... (MUMBLES)
-119? Yes! -119, which is faster than me, yes.
CLARKSON: That said, James's clock was the winner,
-- even though it did need -- an oil and water transplant
-- before it could face -- the next challenge.
"This challenge is designed to test the quality of the ride in your cars.
"Each of you must drive along the dreaded cobbled pave course
"at 30 miles an hour with a bowl of water on your lap."
-Is this It's a Knockout? -(ALL LAUGHING)
Is Stuart Hall coming in a pair of big shoes?
"A point is lost for every fluid ounce spilt."
-CLARKSON: This is Belgian pave. Very, very bumpy. -Yes.
And James is going to have a very wet crotch. Or will he?
I hate to say this,
do you not think he stands a pretty good chance in that Jag?
-And here we go. And that's a disaster already. -(WATER SPLASHING)
-(SLOSHING) -Oh, my God!
He has achieved 30.
I haven't felt like this since I was a very small boy.
Oh, that's a bit of a wobble there. That was a splash.
Well, it's flying everywhere.
-CLARKSON: Oh, yes, it's very bumpy! -(BOTH LAUGHING)
HAMMOND: Oh. That's not the first time that's happened, is it?
That happened in a Jaguar.
Yes, exactly. This is the car with one of the world's best ride qualities,
so you, sir, in your sporty BMW, are probably gonna drown!
This may not look like a lot of water. Can I just point out...
Very firm suspension in the 635.
Not the car I would choose if I was going to drive
over some Belgian pastries with a bucket of water on my lap.
(GROANS) Doing my lap. Ah!
It's ever so cold! Oh, is this like being old?
-Yes, he's quite wet. -Gotten quite wet.
And, uh, beige trousers, big...
-(BOTH LAUGHING) -Big problem there. It's, uh...
How did you get it up here?
-I'm only small! This is waistband! -(ALL LAUGHING)
--MAY: Finally, -- it was Jeremy's turn,
-- and he had -- a bit of a handicap.
The problem I have, of course, is that I have a manual, unlike the other two,
so I actually have to physically move my legs in order to change gear.
CLARKSON: The gearbox, however, was the least of my worries.
The bonnet just bounced up. That'll have chucked it all in his crotch.
I so hope so.
MAY: Just from his expression...
-Oh, well done! -(HAMMOND LAUGHING)
HAMMOND: Jeremy! MAY: Let me take that.
I think we can already tell...
-(CLARKSON LAUGHS) -HAMMOND: Oh, yeah!
It's not pleasant, is it?
If you do that, then your trouser legs don't touch your legs.
HAMMOND: So, it was another victory for the grandfather clock,
-- but the smile was about -- to be wiped off James's face.
"Your coupes were renowned for their sporty character in the 1980s."
'90s with mine, '90s.
'90s in your case.
"But how will they measure up today on the fearsome Alpine circuit?"
-That's this? -This thing, I think.
"The Stig will drive a lap in each car.
"One minute and five seconds is the target time.
"You lose a point for every second slower than that,
"and gain a point for every second faster."
HAMMOND: I decided that my BMW should tackle the web of hills and off camber corners first,
before the British Leyland Jag had a chance to coat them all with the fill of oil.
-Here he comes. -Oh, look at that!
HAMMOND: It looks brilliant on there! CLARKSON: 30 miles an hour.
HAMMOND: Get off! That's moving... Look at it corner, level-ish.
-Whoa! -(ENGINE ROARING)
Run for your lives!
Quite a good noise as well, actually.
That's because five cylinders are working.
They're working well.
MAN: (OVER RADIO) The lap time for the BMW is one minute and one second.
Yes! I thank you! I've won something possibly!
-CLARKSON: Next up was the mighty Starion. -(ENGINE REVVING)
-- Manual gearbox, -- the lightest of the three...
I was confident the pedigree racer would romp to victory here.
Look at that! Already that's quicker than yours!
-It's not. -It's quicker through here.
(ALL SPEAKING INDISTINCTLY)
See that back just kicking there? See the back?
-Flopping. -Not flopping!
MAN: (OVER RADIO) The lap time for the Mitsubishi Starion is one minute dead.
It's got good brakes, good steering, good handling.
Everything about it is... (CLICKS TONGUE)
You bought the wrong car, Richard.
--CLARKSON: But when it comes -- to wrong cars,
-- the Torrey Canyon -- takes some beating.
Will it make the hill?
-I'd love it to stop and roll back down. -(CLARKSON LAUGHS)
MAY: It doesn't look that fast, actually.
HAMMOND: It's not.
-My word! -See The Stig?
--MAN: (OVER RADIO) And the time -- for the Jaguar XJS is...
-- ...one minute -- and nine seconds.
-Rubbish! (LAUGHS LOUDLY) -MAY: Mmm.
-That's poor. -I won't laugh at him.
--CLARKSON: Not only -- had James's car lost,
-- but yet more vital fluids -- had been spilled.
There's evidence of its blood. You see, it's bleeding?
-- And this didn't bode well -- for our next task.
The title, "Reliability Challenge". (LAUGHS)
--CLARKSON: -- Having brimmed the cars,
-- we were told to drive -- to the QI Club,
-- 64 miles away -- in the centre of Oxford.
"Points are awarded or deducted depending on
"how many faults occur along the way."
--CLARKSON: This was a problem -- for all of us,
-- because Oxford isn't a city, -- it's a bus lane.
Oxford hates the car. It's gonna hate these!
--HAMMOND: While James -- topped up his engine, again,
and Jeremy topped up himself,
I unleashed a welter of gizmos
that would guide me through the minefield of Oxford's one-way systems.
That's one sat-nav.
CLARKSON: Despite Hammond's sat-nav systems, I led the way in my Starion,
quietly confident that I would suffer no mechanical glitches at all.
Do you know what this car feels like? It feels exactly like a car.
Exactly like the sort of car that you'd go into a showroom and buy tomorrow.
--HAMMOND: My BMW, -- on the other hand,
-- had suffered badly -- at Millbrook proving ground.
Maybe three cylinders of the six are working.
HAMMOND: The Exxon Valdez, that had turned into a sort of mobile confession booth.
Well, viewers, now we're alone.
I can be a bit more honest with you.
And I'd like to admit that I've bought a pup.
CLARKSON: A pup, which just a few miles from Millbrook,
-- turned into -- a complete mongrel.
My God! That is fairly catastrophic.
It's not a breakdown, it's just a mild bit of malfunction.
Well, it's stopped and there's smoke pouring out of it!
-There you go. It's fine. -(CLARKSON LAUGHS)
HAMMOND: James tends to...
-(ENGINE STARTS) -Whoa! Quick! Run! It's working!
--AUTOMATED VOICE: -- After 300 yards,
-- cross the roundabout -- second exit.
Take the second exit.
Got you, too.
James refuses to classify that as a breakdown. I'm sorry, but it just was.
CLARKSON: Even so, Richard and I, out of a sense of playground loyalty
and male camaraderie, were there for him when it happened again.
It just ruins your whole day, that sort of thing.
HAMMOND: Oh, yeah.
I'll have a Snickers actually.
Okay, mate. On me.
CLARKSON: Want to get James something?
-No, it'll get all wet. -(CHUCKLING)
--CLARKSON: Back on the road, -- it turned out Hammond's BMW
-- wasn't all that -- healthy either.
-- But it did give him -- a new game to play.
Oh! Hold on a minute! I've got it!
There's a problem with my brake lights. I have Connect 3!
That doesn't sound good.
MAY: Ah, but Hammond wasn't going to steal the breakdown honours from me!
MAY: With the others far in front, and out of sight,
my wipers packed up.
It's almost had it, this thing.
Well, I hate to say it, but I can only assume he's broken down.
Shall we go back and look for him?
Or we could go to the QI Club and have a drink.
Let me put it to you this way.
--CLARKSON: Pretty soon, -- Hammond and I were in Oxford
with me using a sense of direction to find the centre
-- and him using -- his sat-nav systems.
So we've got speed camera, bus lane,
health food shop.
Welcome to Oxford.
They're working! This car mends itself.
AUTOMATED VOICE: Go left on the roundabout. The first exit.
I can do that.
--CLARKSON: Hammond -- was about to find out
-- just how car-unfriendly -- Oxford is.
That's clearly not it, is it?
--AUTOMATED VOICE: -- After 200 yards,
-- you have reached -- your destination.
HAMMOND: Reached my destination.
Hang on a second.
--CLARKSON: Meanwhile, -- somewhere not in Oxford...
Tonight's new problem, I think, is the brake master cylinder.
--CLARKSON: Very funny, -- but I was having trouble, too.
I've lived 15 miles from Oxford
for nearly 10 years now and I've never been here.
I've seen it on Inspector... Oh!
Morse never had this problem.
AUTOMATED VOICE: Turn right.
I can't do that!
--CLARKSON: Eventually, -- blind luck beat the sat-nav,
and the totally reliable Starion arrived at the destination.
Did you see... Did you see that?
I was damn nearly knocked down by a cyclist.
I was 47 minutes in front of Hammond's increasingly sick-sounding BMW.
Inside we made pleasant small-talk about driving through Oxford.
-- But it was hard to ignore -- the empty chair at our table.
I'd have to say...
I have to say,
it's a good job.
It is a good job that he never actually made it to Oxford,
because with his sense of direction in that place...
-That would've been the end. -Seriously. No, we're not joking.
He doesn't have a sense of direction.
Honestly, this is not a joke.
-He still doesn't know where this studio is. -HAMMOND: Yep.
Every week he has to ring one of us to go get him.
"Could I follow you down? I don't really know where I'm going."
It's true. It's that bad. Anyway important business now.
The scoring. This is where we are, okay?
The first of our test was the high-speed run.
Amazingly, James's Jag fair and square won that one.
It won the second which was the ride with the wet laps. If you remember that.
Then the Alpine course.
At that point, things took a bit of a turn for the worse for the Jag.
It very much lost that.
Then we come to fuel economy.
This was on the run from Millbrook, where we were, to Oxford.
-Yeah. -The target was 20mpg, okay.
Points for over. Points deducted for under that.
My BMW did it in... I did 21mpg.
So, I believe I gain a point. So that's plus one for me.
-Jeremy, you did 17. -The light, efficient...
You see... Who believes that?
-AUDIENCE: Yeah! -That's what it did.
Seventeen, so you lose three, so that's minus three for JC.
Yeah, but then we get to James's Jag.
-James, what did your Jag do? -(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)
-Ahem. Eight. -Pardon?
CLARKSON: Eight miles to the gallon.
Oh, was that, um... Was that oil?
Oh, I thought you meant the oil!
Is that the same on yours as well?
So that's minus 12 for you.
Then we come to reliability.
This was again points knocked off every time you break down.
Now, Jeremy, amazingly nothing went wrong.
-So that's a... That's nothing. -Oh, thank you.
Not a... What do you mean, "boo"?
I like the booing. I like that.
-(AUDIENCE LAUGHING) -That's good.
Now, I did have one, I have to confess, brake-light failure, so...
-AUDIENCE: Aw! -I like that! Yeah!
So that's a minus, minus one,
and then obviously, James had five.
-Minus five. -Minus five?
-Five faults. -He never even made it to Oxford!
I mean, I get like naught for reliability.
I buy a car with no mechanical faults at all
-and score naught! -You don't lose any.
I lost one, James... That's the rules.
-It's the same for... -It's minus 35
for buying a car with a manual gearbox. How fair is that?
I lose 35 points for my wet crotch.
-(AUDIENCE LAUGHING) -How can that be fair?
-How can that be fair? -Because that's the rules!
-That's how it works. -I'm sorry, is that fair?
Well, I lose... I end up with a wet crotch
-and 35 points off! -It's...
It's the same rules. This is pathetic.
It's like Manchester United, FA Cup, playing Arsenal last week.
They were better than Arsenal for 90 minutes.
Then there was one penalty. That's the rule!
-He's right. Can I just say... -What?
What is actually more embarrassing?
Breaking down or arriving at a club in Oxford as if you've wet your tracks?
-HAMMOND: Exactly -(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)
So minus 35.
-Fine. -(AUDIENCE CHEERING)
-It's the rules. -I'm sorry.
CLARKSON: That's rubbish!
That's old rubbish!
My car's the best there. You know it and that's the end of it.
It's the same rules for everyone.
You've got a chance to redeem yourself.
Because there is another challenge coming up, and if you are eight,
then you have our permission to stay up and watch that.
I don't want to talk to you two any more.
-You haven't got much choice, really. -No, I have got a choice.
Because it's time to put a star in our Reasonably Priced Car.
He claims he's been in a bad mood since he was 14 years old.
And today, we put him in a Suzuki Liana, which probably didn't help.
(INHALES SHARPLY) Ladies and gentlemen, Jack Dee!
How are you?
-Have yourself a seat. -Thank you very much.
Slovenly as ever!
I try to make an effort for you, even if the audience don't.
Well, Dee, we have Motorhead casual here.
Yeah, I noticed.
It's really the essence of it, it's quite poor. I mean, sheesh!
Um, now, you're on tour very soon.
I'm in London. I'm coming to the Hammersmith Carling Apollo,
8th to11th of June. And big venue. Very nice.
-All new material. -Yeah, it is. Yeah.
Now, let's just get on with this car-based stuff.
Starting with buses,
'cause reading through your notes, it seems you're not really a big fan.
I don't like buses. I...
Well, you know, I think that the bottom-line of it is the bus shelter, for me.
Because you're waiting for a bus, first of all,
in something that's been named after a charity for homeless people.
And also, the other true fact about buses is,
when you see a nutter in the street,
you ask yourself, "How did he get there?"
The chances are he came on a bus.
-Because... -(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)
Because when you go on a bus, they're always full of nutters.
And I think it's the sane reaction to think,
"Actually, no, I don't want to be sat next to people like this.
"I don't like getting off the bus with vomit down my sleeve
-"because someone has been sick on me. -(LAUGHS)
"I actually think it's time to get a car."
What about bus lanes?
You see, bus lanes, again they make me very cross.
And I've... I mean, I've been stopped in a bus lane.
I was going in a bus lane in a Fiat 127.
-And... -Surprised they saw you.
Yeah, and a policeman just came... Stopped me. In fact, what he did...
(CHUCKLES) He came to the window.
He said... Do you know what he said?
He actually said, "Are you a bus?" to me.
Then I thought, "Well, I might be able to talk my way out of this one",
because... So I said, "You're new to traffic, aren't you?"
-(ALL LAUGHING) -And...
But don't joke with a policeman
because once you've joked with them, they say,
"Oh, I see, you're funny, are you? Get out of the car and..."
And then he's booking me and it all got very grown up. And he was doing a ticket.
And then as I was doing that, another Fiat 127 pulled up behind mine.
So I said, "Look at that, you wait all day and two of them turn up at once!"
CLARKSON: Oh, very good!
Where are you on the 4X4 debate?
Well, I'm one of these, you know, people who have a 4X4.
I drive one.
I drive a Land Cruiser which is about the biggest one.
Ooh! Big one. Yeah.
Regularly now, I'm on school runs
with seven or eight kids in the car.
They've all got seatbelts. they're all front-facing.
I don't know any other car I could do that in.
Otherwise I'd go in two cars, you know.
It's true. Two cars.
-Or even three cars if you've got eight children. -Yeah.
-You need three cars. -Three cars.
That means one of the children will have to drive the third one.
That's just crazy, Jeremy.
That's just never gonna wash.
And the people you get hassled from
are from these builders in their transit vans going,
"You shouldn't be in a car like that, you should be in a Mini".
And you say "Look, what you got in there?"
They got a packet of biscuits and a hammer in the back of their transit.
Going around looking for the nearest cafe, you know.
Also, I just can't understand how we've got to a point in society
where obviously everything is so good that people are worried about
-how many wheels on your car are being driven. -Aw!
You know what? If you actually have got to a point where
you have so little going on in your life
that you can start a campaign to stop people driving certain kinds of car,
you've got to have a closer look at your own life, not other people's cars.
-Do an evening course... -Couldn't agree more.
But, of course, you do have some social responsibility because you drive a Vespa.
-Am I right? -Yeah, I have got a Vespa.
But at the moment, it's garaged.
Um, and I got a penalty for keeping it in the garage.
I didn't know you had to keep it licensed even if you weren't using it.
Or you have to tell them. I...
So if you make it a garden ornament, it's still...
Even if you do that. Yeah, I've got these (BLEEPS)
that run the whole thing... Wherever. Norwich or somewhere like that.
-Where are they based? -Swansea.
-Swansea. -(ALL LAUGHING)
Well, there you are, you see.
You have to work in Swansea so you take it out on the rest of the nation
by sending out penalties to people
for keeping their car in the garage.
You shouldn't really be driving a car because...
Well, you took your driving test four times.
Yeah, but I passed in the end.
No, I always maintain if you can't pass after three goes,
you're not cut out for it.
I mean, if I went to Manchester United and said,
"I'd like to try out if that's okay",
and then was as useless as I am at football,
there would be no point going back and back and back. "I'm dumb. Here again."
"No, look, you're rubbish, don't come back."
No, no, it took me a while to get my eye in.
Probably, I shouldn't be driving, but occasionally I have to,
so I try and warn as many people as I can when I'm going to be driving.
They say, "Thanks a lot, we'll be staying in".
And whereabouts, and the geography...
Well, it sets you up perfectly, of course.
I've found a great way of avoiding traffic though.
You know when they have traffic warnings on the radio when people ring up.
But I've discovered actually, before you set out on a journey,
ring the radio station and say there's a terrible congestion on the M25.
And everyone avoids it. It's great, you just go straight through.
My other thing is, when there is a traffic jam,
and usually it's been due to an accident,
I don't like the way the police kind of beckon you to go past quickly by the time,
'cause, you know, the rubbernecking.
I think we're entitled to rubberneck.
We've been sitting there for three-quarters of an hour.
I wanna see what's happened. I wanna see the idiot who's held me up, you know.
I shout, you know, "Hope you're happy.
"At least you've got a neck brace to show for it. I'm actually late!"
-Anyway, listen, your lap. -Oh, yes.
Things didn't go really very smoothly
when The Stig was showing you round.
No. I... (STAMMERS)
I got frightened. (LAUGHS)
I had, sort of, flashbacks from an accident I had when I was about 18.
I was in the back of a car,
it was another Fiat 127, actually, I have to avoid this car.
Um, and it rolled over on a corner.
And I've never got that out of my mind.
But once I was actually able to drive, I felt a bit better
'cause I felt, "Well, at least if we both die, it's, you know...
-"I'll get the credit for it." -Yeah.
-I killed The Stig. -Yeah.
Well, shall we have a look at this, um...
Well, allegedly sedate lap.
-Do you want to see that? -AUDIENCE: Yes!
Okay, let's put it on here.
--CLARKSON: Oh, that's not -- a very sedate start.
It's the first time I've driven a manual for 12 years, so...
Racing driver excuses before you've even got to the first corner.
-Oh, my God, that's not very fast, Jack. -No.
I might not have...
You're not even meant to brake here, just got to turn... Oh.
CLARKSON: You don't need to brake when you go in that speed, that's for sure.
I'm in control. I'm in control.
CLARKSON: That's the slowest first half of a lap I've ever seen.
Here we go, second half.
Yes, it's moving... Oh, God, that was a bit better.
I can't do it again, I can't do it again.
There you go. Now you've got to brake a bit.
CLARKSON: You've got to slow down quite a lot for that corner.
-- Oh, you're turning -- a bit too soon.
--DEE: Jeremy, it felt -- plenty fast enough.
CLARKSON: And there we go... DEE: What's the hurry?
-...across the line. -There you go.
The first half, I have to say, of that lap, was quite slow.
-It was. -But you did pick up a bit, I thought, towards the end.
So, on that basis, where do you think you might have, um...
Well, I think I'm probably around...
I can imagine I'm a driver similar to Stephen Fry.
-I should imagine that. -He's quite good, Stephen Fry.
Oh, was he? So I'm way down really, am I?
Yeah, I've got you more...
-I'm with Blind Man and Vegas. -And Wogan.
You went round in unbelievable...
Obviously picked the speed up a lot,
'cause you did it in one minute 53 and a half seconds.
Oh, well, there you go.
-(AUDIENCE CHEERING) -So, you are all the way up there.
There you go. Bill Bailey.
Next time you see Bill Bailey, you'll be able to say...
Ladies and gentlemen, Jack Dee!
-Thank you. -(CHEERING AND APPLAUSE)
Now, back to the coupes.
Because after the first series of tests,
incredibly, considering what a pile of garbage it is,
James's Jaguar was in the lead.
So, it was a carefully selected car.
Pile of garbage.
The point being, they now set us another challenge.
They now said,
"You can spend whatever change you've got left from your 1,500-quid budget
"after you bought your car on modifying your car for a motor race".
But what they didn't tell us was what sort of motor race it would be.
And obviously that's important because you can't set up your car for say Silverstone
and then find that you're on a rally stage.
Yes, it's kind of critical to have that information, but we didn't,
so we sort of guessed, did the best we could,
and then we were told to meet up at a farm.
This is what happened.
Now, I spent £1,000 on my Starion,
meant I had £500 left over to turn it into a motor racing version.
Get on with it. Let's see this thing!
-Look at this! -Whoa, hang on!
Oh, now I'm struggling 'cause I wanna laugh,
but that actually looks pretty good! (LAUGHS)
See, here's my thing, okay.
I thought a nice paint job would be one thing.
HAMMOND: Is that going to make it go any faster?
--CLARKSON: No, -- but I had that one covered.
That is a turbocharger from Pentti Airikkala's Group A rally car.
-Is it? -CLARKSON: 230 brake horsepower.
Was a 150.
So, you'll almost certainly manage one lap
of wherever we're going, and then it'll explode.
--CLARKSON: Next, -- it was James's turn.
That's British racing green, is it?
-That's what he's going to tell us! -(BOTH LAUGHING)
CLARKSON: He ran out of paint!
Well, I did. I had 400 quid left.
Um, I spent £370 mending the engine,
£10 on a tin of Hammerite that wasn't quite big enough.
--CLARKSON: So, what had -- Hammond done to his BMW?
I spent 1,250 quid on my car,
which left me at £250 to race prepare it ready for today's event.
-And here it is. Here it is. -(CLARKSON CLEARING THROAT)
-I want you to feast your eyes on this! -(BOTH LAUGHING)
There's a fridge freezer on the front of it for no reason!
-(UPROARIOUS LAUGHTER) -I've gone for...
CLARKSON: What's that?
HAMMOND: That's a side exhaust.
They're not connected to the engine, are they?
But they're connected to the same car that the engine is in.
MAY: So, as usual, you spent all your money on stuff
that makes no difference to the way the car goes,
apart from possibly making it a bit heavier?
All of this aside,
where is the race track? (CHUCKLES)
All I can see are some crates.
Okay, we don't know at this point
what kind of motor racing we're going to be doing.
HAMMOND: I'm just praying it's a nice, proper race track.
CLARKSON: It wasn't.
In fact, our 1,500-quid cars
had been entered for a four-hour endurance race on a grass track,
the toughest task we'd ever set in any of our cheap car challenges.
HAMMOND: That's not quite what I had in mind.
I'm so looking forward to your spoiler here.
CLARKSON: And to make matters worse, our competitors' cars
were all much younger, much fitter, and much more robust.
-- Hammond responded -- by decking out his 635
-- in some last-minute -- BMW racing war paint.
Whoa! Whoa! Whoa! Slow. Nice and slow.
Whoa! Whoa! Whoa! Whoa!
CLARKSON: And so, on the dot of just after 23 minutes past 2:00,
-- while James was looking -- the other way, the race began.
-- But Hammond -- stormed into the lead.
I'm going to do a few glorious laps and retire.
I'm blind! I'm blind! I can't see a thing!
Now I'm so far behind Hammond, I won't be able to see his spoiler come off.
-- I had to get past James, -- whatever it cost...him.
We've only been going a couple of minutes and...
CLARKSON: I put the hammer down to catch Hammond, but there was no need
because he'd forgotten to fill up before the race and he needed fuel.
-- Meanwhile, -- James was all over the place.
I'm sorry, track.
--CLARKSON: And so, -- the lead was mine.
He just took me out.
The guy in the Camry. Right.
CLARKSON: Luckily, my spare tyres were from a rally car,
-- and Hammond -- wasn't jealous at all.
-I want a rally wheel. I want a rally wheel. -CLARKSON: It might fit.
HAMMOND: Get out of the way!
CLARKSON: While we were bickering, Gentleman James took the lead.
-May is still running! -Not for long.
CLARKSON: But it wasn't James's car that was the problem, it was mine.
-- My new turbo had made it -- immensely fast.
But it had had a catastrophic effect on the cooling system.
Turbo heating and I'm way down on power.
If I adjust the boost, will that help?
-- The Mitsubishi's unimpeachable -- reliability was gone.
Meanwhile, James had worked wonders with the Jag,
succeeding in his garage where British Leyland had failed.
He was so confident, in fact, that he started a new sport of Hammond-bashing.
Got him! (LAUGHING)
That was out of order!
CLARKSON: Looked like such fun that I decided to have a go myself
and set off in hot pursuit.
Come on, mate. Come and get it, big fella!
CLARKSON: So I did.
You cheating son of a (BLEEPS)!
It's not the winning, it's not the taking part,
it's just bashing Hammond.
--CLARKSON: That, of course, -- put me back in the pits.
--CLARKSON: Meanwhile, the Jag -- just kept pounding round.
-- The only time -- it came into the pits
-- was when the driver's -- sense of direction broke down.
I didn't mean to come in, I went the wrong way!
--CLARKSON: Hammond may -- have been picked on,
but his exuberant driving style meant he was now winning.
-- And on hearing the news, -- the crowd went wild.
But then, his exuberant driving style put him in a hedge.
After three hours, even May's Jaguar was in trouble.
The exhaust had gone, the suspension had collapsed,
-- and the dashboard -- was smoking him out.
I've boiled my brake fluid.
That's how committed I am to motorsport.
CLARKSON: With just one hour left, we prepared for the final battle.
-CLARKSON: The dials are reading normal. -(HISSING)
-Really? I can't believe it. -Yeah.
Well, I've only been looking at the fuel one. That might be why.
(CHUCKLES) Look at his front spoiler!
Why doesn't he just give up?
--CLARKSON: The BMW -- was still in the lead,
-- the Jag was second -- and the Mitsubishi...
Well, that could only do one lap at a time, overtaking everything...
CLARKSON: I've got him!
-- ...and then going -- into the pits again.
It's cutting out.
HAMMOND: That final blow-up really was the end of Jeremy's Starion.
Now it was just a straight fight between me and James.
All I had to do was bring the BMW home in one piece.
-Oh, no! Transmission! -(ENGINE HISSING)
-- And that just left -- the plucky Jag,
-- which had made a comeback -- worthy of Lazarus,
-- Robbie Williams -- and John Travolta.
To finish first, first you have to finish. Even I know that.
It is a glorious day for Jaguar and common sense.
It's the checkered flag!
Oh, no, no.
Me. Me. Me.
Not so fast. Not so fast.
-Just... No, I'm sorry, that's an endurance race. -Yes.
And the fact is, is that, yes, you reached the checkered flag...
-Yes, I did. -...but it's how many laps you did.
-What? -It's how many laps you did, and he did more.
-You drove so slowly... -Thank you.
No. No, no, no, 'cause I finished.
-No, it's the number of laps. -Rubbish.
It's how Le Mans has worked for many years. It's a brilliant idea.
-That's how it works. -Motorsport is rubbish.
That's a rubbish spectacle.
Okay, but the fact is, before you get too excited,
-we now have to put the scores on the board. -Yes.
I did 49 laps, so my total is...
Actually irrelevant, 'cause I'm out of the running completely.
Uh, James, okay, you're currently sitting at minus 28,
and, Richard, you're at minus 35. Okay.
So, James, you did 80 laps, okay?
-So you get 80 points. -And finished.
And finished, irrelevantly.
-So, minus 28 to 80 is... -Mmm.
30... 52 is your finishing total.
-Right. -Now, okay, he, and this is very complicated,
he had done, he was on minus 35, so, in other words,
-if he's done eight laps... -There's seven in it.
Yeah, if you'd done eight laps more than him in the four hours,
So I've got to have done 88 laps?
You've got to have done 88 laps.
I've won something on Top Gear!
I've won something on Top Gear.
I've won something on Top Gear.
Well, go on, then!
-What? -Go on!
At this point, you normally pull out some preposterous trick
to show that you've won.
And tonight, ladies and gentlemen, is no different.
-I have in fact won. -It's over!
-It isn't over! -Go on, then.
-Look into this camera here, James. See this one here? -Yeah.
--Now, how many people watch Top Gear--around the world now?
-About a quarter of a billion. -Quarter of a billion people.
You stand there and tell all those people
that the best cheap car you can buy is a V12 car made by communists.
-No, no. -Go on, say that.
No, no. I didn't say that, people of the world.
CLARKSON: No, you can't say that.
The fact of the matter is, as you both well know,
the best car there was the Starion.
No! Look, now, there is something in that, because, yes,
it was probably the stronger car in some ways,
and it would have won the endurance race.
-Clearly, it was faster. -Yeah.
-But it was let down by one part. -What?
It was badly let down by you,
because you got it in your thick head
that somehow you knew better than one of the world's most pre-eminent car manufacturers
and you tried to improve it and you ruined it.
Yes, look, I know if I was going to put in a big turbo,
I should've done something about the cooling system and I didn't, I admit.
So it was your fault, you spoiled it.
Yes, but the fact is, it was the better car.
Now, I think we can do a deal here.
We'll admit that yours is the best car and that you won
if you'll admit that you're a clot and you ruined your car.
Okay, that's all right. That's fair.
Because it would've done. Yes?
-Yes? -AUDIENCE: Yes.
I'm a clot and I ruined my car.
And I've won!
I blew it, I made a mistake.
I admit it, it's my fault.
It's my fault.
I'm the fool, I'm the nitwit here.
-HAMMOND: Car good. Me bad. -Okay, good, good, good.
We do arrive at a Top Gear--top tip out of all of this,
which is that, if you only have £1,500 to spend on your coupe,
Doesn't matter what it is, but go Japanese.
And then, crucially, leave it alone.
And on that bombshell, it's... No, wait, actually...
No, I'm talking rubbish! We have got one more thing to do.
Earlier on, I drove the Maserati MC Hammer here, okay.
And we suspect that it may be quicker than the Ferrari Enzo.
We suspect it could be the fastest car ever to go round our track.
So that means we've got to bring out our house-trained racing driver.
Some say he's wanted by the CIA
and that he sleeps upside down like a bat.
All we know is he's called The Stig.
--CLARKSON: Away he goes! -- Massive wheel spin,
-- smearing the track with rubber -- from those huge, huge tyres.
Now, down to the first corner.
-- Ooh, he's very fast. -- And look how flat it is.
No roll at all. But look, you can see The Stig working hard in there!
-- And the prog-rock fixation -- has reached King Crimson.
Around Chicago, still looking very flat, very smooth.
-- Coming up the Hammerhead, -- braking hard,
the ABS in this is less intrusive than it is in the Enzo,
-- so The Stig can brake later. -- That will help his time.
(ROCK MUSIC PLAYING)
Now, follow through. Listen...
-- Totally committed, -- and unlike the Enzo,
-- the Maserati's -- stability control
-- just lets him -- get on with the job.
Normally, you get these driver aids that are supposed to help drivers,
-- but The Stig -- doesn't need their help.
-- He likes to just have -- him and the machine.
-- No electronic interference -- and that's what this car is.
-- Coming through Gambon. -- Is he going to make it?
Did he? Oh, come on, did he?
-1.19 to beat. -HAMMOND: We know that.
-He did it in 1.18.9. -Whoa!
A new fastest car!
And it's a car you didn't like.
You know well speed isn't everything.
I can't believe I just said that.
Anyway, on that bombshell, it really is time to end.
Thanks very much for watching. Good night.