Top Gear (2002–…): Season 5, Episode 7 - Evo vs. Lamborghini - full transcript

CLARKSON: On today's show,
Richard takes an American
muscle car,

in a road movie
across Lincolnshire.

A four-door saloon
goes head-to-head
with a Lamborghini.

And it's the Top Gear awards
for the best and worst cars
of 2004.

Hello, and I'd like
to start tonight

by talking about
the Hollywood blockbuster,
The Day After Tomorrow.

In essence, the Gulf Stream
stops, a lot of Americans
freeze to death

and it's not really
the end of the world.

Anyway, the thing is this.

Once again, it has focused our
attention on the wicked car

and what might be done
to stop it going around



clubbing baby seals to death.

CLARKSON: This, apparently,
is the answer.

It's the Toyota Prius
and while it may look like
a four-door saloon,

it's been billed as just about
the greenest car ever made.

That's why it's become
the latest
must-have accessory

among Hollywood's
right-on elite.

They've all been convinced
that by driving one of these,

the Tasmanian fruit bat
will come back to life,

that GM crops
will be uninvented,

and that the Earth
will once again cool down.

So, what do they
all see in it?

Well, in essence,
it's an electric car.

But unlike
any other electric car
I've ever come across,

you don't have to charge
this one up for 12 hours
every 40 miles.



In fact, you never
have to charge it up at all.

And here's why.

That is a normal 1.5-litre
petrol engine

which is sometimes used
to drive the car.

But sometimes it's used
to charge the batteries

which power this,

which is the electric motor
that also powers the car.

So that makes
the Prius a hybrid,

and that makes it brilliant.

In theory.

I'm driving along now
slowly in a village.

So that means I'm running
greenly and silently

on the electric motor only.

See the trees smile at me
as I waft by,

and watch the children
run into the road

because they haven't
heard me coming.

Okay, I'm coming
out of the village now,

so I put my foot down.

Yeah, and now,
the petrol engine has started

and is working
with the electric motor
to whizz me along.

To help you to understand
which motor is doing what
at any given moment,

-you get this screen.

Like so.

There we are.

Now, at the moment,

the engine is driving
the front wheels

and sending power
to the battery.

Put my foot down,
now, look, everything...

Everything's all going
to the front wheels.
All going that way.

This, I think,
is a particularly good way
of distracting you

from the child who's run
into the road having
not heard you coming.

Actually, I'm being unfair.

The Prius is so slow,
the child could
run into the road,

retrieve his ball and grow
to puberty before you
ever actually hit him.

Naught to 60 takes
13 and a half seconds

and the top speed is just 99.

As a result, you couldn't
even use it as a milk float

because by the time you got
to the end of your round,
you'd be delivering cheese.

Still, you might think
a shortfall in performance

is a small price to pay

if it means the Tasmanian
fruit bat can be saved.

Uh, sorry.

But I drove one of these
things from my house
to London the other day,

it's about 70 miles

and I averaged
45 miles to the gallon.

A normal diesel will do
better than that.
A lot better.

And because the Prius
has two engines,

prices start
at a whopping £17,500.

And don't think you're
getting much in the way
of quality for that either.

I mean,
I'll give you one example.

To stop this
arm rest thing rattling,

they've used sort of

adhesive foam rubber tabs.

To sum up, then,
it's a very expensive,

very complex,
not terribly green,

slow, cheaply-made
and pointless way
of moving around.

So! So, there we are.

Covered it completely,
let's get on with the show.

Oh, no, no, no.
Hang on. I've got
the Prius brochure.

It says it does
65 miles to the gallon.

Yes, I don't care what
it says in the brochure,
I did 45 miles to the gallon,

and it wasn't like
I had lead feet

because I did the same route
a few days later in a
Volkswagen Lupo

diesel and that did 75 miles
to the gallon.

So, if you want a car
that doesn't club
baby seals to death,

buy a Volkswagen Lupo.

But there must be
something good about this.

-Um...
-Something.

Uh, I suppose.

I suppose I quite
like the idea of living
in a village

if everybody's car
was this quiet.

But you would have to relearn
the Green Cross Code,

because it would be look left,
look right, look left, listen,
walk, wonder

as you go through
the windscreen why the hell
you never heard it coming.

Now, the news,
and we're starting off
with a new car from Citroen,

it's this,
the tiny little Citroen C1

and it will be
available next year.

Choice of two engines,
a 1-litre petrol
or a 1.4-litre diesel,

and it costs
around about £7,000.
There or thereabouts.

The only thing I've got
about this is why?

Because take a look at this
car, it's a Citroen C2.

This was already there, okay?

So, who went into a Citroen
showroom and said,

"Oh, that's much too big
for me. I need a smaller car!"

I'll never park it!
Look at it!

It's known in the trade as the
Citroen supertanker.

HAMMOND: Well, that's clearly
an enormous car.

-It is.
-Still, could be interesting.

Okay, now, last week,

the soon-to-retire
Metropolitan
Police commissioner,

a chap called John Stevens,

said that he thought that
homeowners should be allowed

to shoot burglars in the face!

-No...
-Shh!

No, he didn't actually specify
in the face, mate. Just...

Well, all right,
shoot them in the knee...

Or hit them in the face with
a shovel, you can do that.

Anyway, my point is,

if you're going to be allowed
to shoot a burglar
who's robbing your house,

should you be allowed
to shoot someone
who's stealing your car?

-AUDIENCE: Yes!
-Yes, you!

You think you should...

-Even though you are
a car thief!
-You'll get shot!

You've got
a car thief's haircut.

Interesting.

You are going to be shot,
you see?

If someone breaks
into your house,
they're stealing, what,

video, TV, 500 quid.

They steal your car,
it's like 5,000 quid!

But, if somebody
breaks into your house,
you're in your house.

You're not
usually in your car
when somebody takes it.

No, no! The precedent is set!
The precedent is set!

People have been killed
trying to stop

him stealing their cars.

I'll tell you what,
we'll settle it.
Let's have a vote.

All those who think
you shouldn't be allowed

to shoot a car thief,
raise your hands!

You shouldn't be allowed
to do that.

And all those who think
that you should be allowed
to shoot a car thief...

So, there we are!

100% of British people think
that you should be allowed

to a hit a car thief
in the face with a spade!

-Apparently so!
Apparently so!

Now, every week, I come along
here with a bit of a theory,
but this week...

Every single week!

Yes... No!

James has one!

My theory is this, that
whenever you have bits
of high technology

that are designed to make
car driving and motoring
more unbearable,

they work perfectly.

-Yes.
-For example, speed cameras.

-Yes!
-They always work.
Congestion charging cameras,

-they always work,
traction control, it works.
-Yup.

But if you've got
a bit of technology

that's supposed to make
car driving better,
it never works.

-Satellite navigation.
-Navigation.

-Never works.
-Voice activation!

Voice activation
on my Mercedes...

"Phone home."

"Do you want Radio 1?"

"Phone home!"

-You're right, it's a fact.
-That's a good theory,
actually.

Can anyone think of anything
that makes your life easier...

-That works. Ever.
-...that works?

-What?
-No, in the car!

What did he say?

Somebody said, "Dishwasher."
In his car!

Who said that?

I want to know what car
you've got that's got
a dishwasher in it.

-It's modern technology!

Yes, but this is a programme
called Top Gear,

and we tend to stick to
motoring-related issues!

Now, The Audit Office,
which is essentially
the government,

has come up with all sorts
of creative new ideas
for reducing congestion.

-They're talking about
"lane-switching".

This is like Birmingham,
where during the morning
you go one way on the road,

-then in the evening
you go the other way.
-Yes, yes, yes.

Car-sharing, using
the hard shoulder
as another lane,

lorries not allowed
in the middle lane.
All this...

Yes, yes! I've got
a much better idea.

Do you want to hear my idea?

AUDIENCE: Yes!

I've just thought of is

minimum speed limit
on the motorway
of 100 miles an hour.

HAMMOND: Minimum?

Right, minimum.

-Minimum speed limit?
-Yes!

And I know how this
can be enforced.

All cars from now on
will be sold made entirely of
plastic explosive.

So, when you drive
on the motorway,

the satellite recognises you
on the motorway,
arms the bomb!

Drop below 100... Boom!

So, it's like that film Speed?

Exactly like Speed,
only a bigger bang.

And the whole car's
made of it.
And it's compulsory.

Sometimes, you scare me.

-Yeah.
-A lot.

Did you know,
it's now possible

That's wheel-clamping!

You can do a diploma
in wheel-clamping!

Honest. Yes, you can.

It's all part of this drive
to get rid of the idea
of cowboy clampers.

-You know,
the rogue wheel-clampers.
-Yeah.

So, they're trying to give it
a more professional image.

But what we can't understand
is, you turn up on day one.
What do they teach you?

Other than being able to
roll into a ball if someone's
kicking your head in.

And what's to learn?

-I think, that is the end
of the news.
-It is.

That is the end of the news.

Now, I'd like to talk
about the new Mustang.

HAMMOND:
There's always
a sense of excitement

when a fresh Mustang
comes along.

Because, like the Mini
or the E-type Jag,

it's one of those
Hall of Fame cars.

So, here we are
with the new one.

The question is,
where to drive it?

Kind of lends itself to a bit
of a road movie, really.

Yes, we need our own
Nevada highway.

Our own Route 66.

And here it is...

The A15.

It's a magnificent bit
of tarmac!

The longest stretch of
straight road in Britain.

It runs from Scunthorpe
to Lincoln.

I am a bit worried
about this bit, though.

What with it being
an American car
and everything,

it's a corner.

The Mustang still
holds the record for being

the fastest selling car
of all time in America.

It really is part
of the landscape.

In fact, back in the 1960s,

the US Navy ran
a recruitment ad that said,

"The Beach Boys, apple pie
and the '67 Mustang.

"Three things
worth fighting for."

But, that's not been
the case for a while now,

because, frankly, the last
few generations of Mustang
have been a bit pony.

The problem is,
whereas other muscle
cars like the Charger

had the good grace
to die young,

the Mustang has lived on.

It's gone tamer and weedier
over the years

until it's ended up as nothing
more than a badge for
the marketing men to sell.

This one, Ford reckon,
will turn the pony back
into a stallion once again.

But on first impressions,
you won't be bowled over.

Particularly, if you're
used to European cars.

Take the engine, for example.
It's a 4.6-litre V8.

That sounds like a lot.

But it's not German.
You get just
300 brake horsepower,

that's hardly pushing the
boundaries of what's possible.

On paper,
the figures look good.

Naught to 60 in just
under six seconds, but
it just doesn't feel rapid.

Mind you,
that is not such a bad thing.

Because it's also got
the most basic suspension
this side of a stagecoach.

It's got a live rear axle.

Now, forgive me
if I get a bit technical here
but bear with me.

What it means is that
the back wheels are connected,
basically, by a girder.

So, what one wheel does,
the other wheel does.

It's a bit like running around
with your shoelaces
tied together.

There are better ways
of getting about.

After a hard morning pounding
the black top, I was hungry

and pulled into
a luxurious roadside diner.

HAMMOND: Can I have...

I'd like an all-day breakfast
and a big mug of tea
and eggs over easy.

Actually, I have no idea
what that means,
just cook them. Thank you.

And then it was here,
in the car park
of Sales Rep Saloon,

that the Mustang
started to make sense.

I mean, parked up next to
your average Euro-box,
it looks magnificent!

And then, the funeral heavies

reminded me that it's also got
some charming touches.

Now, there is a tradition
in road movies that,
at some point,

the baddie, in the muscle car,
locks another bloke
in the boot.

Well, they've thought of that
'cause look at this.

This handle...

Pull that and the boot
opens from the inside

and, look, that man
is clearly running away.

Eh? That's not how it would've
happened in the old days.

In the old days,
you stayed locked in the boot
with the spade,

until you got to the woods.

But, if your murder victim
has run away,

here's a little detail
to cheer you up.

Okay, with these controls,
I can change

the colour of the lights
on the instrument binnacle.

125 colours to choose from.

I didn't even know there
were that many!

I was really warming
to this car.

As the miles rolled by,
its muscle car charm
seduced me even more.

It might be
a bit of a simpleton,

but it feels like
it's regained some of that
spirit of the old Mustang.

Yes, technically,
a European car
would run rings round it.

But, come on, this has got
such a sense of drama

and of occasion
and it looks fantastic!

It's a completely
different beast.

And it goes about its business
like a proper muscle car too.

If I stand
on the accelerator...

It doesn't just accelerate,
it rears and snorts!

It's got a sense of theatre
and of drama and of pantomime!
It's an event!

You know,
right now in America,
the average time between

one of these things
going on to a dealer forecourt
for sale

and then being bought
is 15 minutes!

Fifteen minutes.
I'm not surprised.

Our road movie ends
in Lincoln,

which doesn't sound romantic.

But, actually, Lincoln
is a bit of a surprise.

It looks really pretty.

And yet, it's one of
the cheapest places
in Britain to live.

That brings us neatly
to another good thing
about the Mustang.

Because, here we are,
muscle car looking
like it does,

with a V8 and
all the toys inside
and a Mustang badge,

and it costs 25 to 30 grand.
That's it!

And for an icon,
that's a bit of a bargain.

Now, what I'm interested
in is, did it make it
round that curve okay?

Yes, it did.
Which was amazing,

because, honestly,
that rear suspension
is seriously stone age.

And it's not just that,
I mean, the engine
is a bit asthmatic

and the interior is
all plasticy and American!

-But!
-But, it's got something.

It really has! We're always
banging on about the X-factor
on this programme,

and not The X factor
and all that thing
with those idiotic G4.

I'd like to run the people
from G4 over with a Mustang.

We're always banging
on about what
makes a car special

and this has it in spades
and that brings us
onto the Cool Wall!

Oh, yes. Yes.

The Mustang...

-The Mustang
defines our Cool Wall.
-It does.

Not a very good car,
to be perfectly honest,
and yet...

-And yet...
-HAMMOND: Somehow it does.

And yet...

-No, look!
I'll tell you what...
-AUDIENCE: No!

-What?
-MAN: No, no.

You're right,
it's not supercool,
but it's borderline!

The Jaguar S-type diesel.
It was on the programme
the other week.

'Cause it can belt round
the Nurburgring,
you drove it around.

-Yup.
-And that woman drove it round
a lot faster than you.

Get on with it!
And your point
is what, exactly?

It was
a lot faster than the...

Yes, but here's
the deal, okay?

-It's a fabulous car,
it really is.
-It's a great car!

But it's a diesel.

A diesel car
is never cool! Never!

Because, no...
What'd you mean, "Oh"?

I have a diesel,
it's perfectly cool.

Yes, right.
Let me explain your problem!

What you're doing
is you're saving money.
Are you not?

You're saving money.

-Budget comes into it.
-CLARKSON: How many...

-Budget...
-MAN: Budget does
come into it.

How many women ever go,
"What I really like about
my new boyfriend,

"is he's really careful
with his cash."

-MAN: No.
-Are you with me?

Have you ever had sex
with a woman?

See? He hasn't.

You haven't and
it's your diesel that's
causing the problem.

-Oh!
-HAMMOND: Point made.

-It's not super uncool.
-It's somewhere in here.

If you can find
a space for it there.

The Smart Forfour.

Now, you saw, he lived
in one of these for 24 hours.

He even urinated
in the back of it!

Yes! I wee-ed in it!

-But this isn't...

-I'm sorry?
-My mother likes it.

You like the Smart...

-I do. I do.
-Oh, dear.

You see?

"My mother likes it."

-HAMMOND:
That kills it stone dead.
-CLARKSON: It does.

This is the
Morgan Aero 8 GT-N.

I drove this car on
the programme. I think
it's a fantastic car!

-And it...
-Richard...

It's completely cross-eyed.

Yes, there's nothing wrong
with that!

Because girls really
dig blokes with a squint.

I read it somewhere!
I read it somewhere they do!

Let's just try this out, okay?

-Let's just try it out.
Here's Richard Hammond.
-Okay, that's me.

Normal. And that's me a bit...

Yeah!

Yeah, I can feel
the room heating up there!

So your point is what?

-I think it might've
been ears, actually.
-What?

It's if you got ears
at different heights
that girls like.

Do you like a man with ears
at different heights?

-No.
-No?

-No.
-Do you like Richard Hammond?

-Yeah.
-You do?

Back to the point.

The point is it's cross-eyed.
Cross-eyed is not cool!

It's a good look!

It doesn't have any ears...

Just give it here,
for crying out loud!

Oh, I'll put it...
There we go!

-Unarguable position
there for you.
-Yeah.

I want to finish
with the Prius.
What do we think?

-HAMMOND: Uncool!

That was just a noise.

You see, the thing is, we know
it to be a rubbish car, okay?

But if you're after one
of those girls with a fringe

and a lot of those ribbons
down here, saying she cares
about breasts

and AIDS and moss, okay?
You know the type.

Slightly earnest women.

She's gonna think
you made an
environmental statement

by buying one of these,
and she's gonna like it, okay?

On that basis, it is cool.

You are pushing it there.

Well, there is
a word of warning,
there's a caveat with that.

See, while she's out
for dinner with you,

having a nice salad,
organic, obviously,

and you're sitting there,
reading her Victorian poetry,

and you know, weeping,
copiously 'cause
you think they like that,

she's gonna be thinking,
"I wish Clint Thrust would
swing through the windows now,

"swoop me away, put me
in his Mustang,

"say, 'Forget the Tennyson,
let's go have some venison.
Let's eat Bambi!'"

That's what we actually want!

So, in fact,
it's kind of cool,
but be careful.

Ever since he was a young boy,
he played the Silver Ball.

From Soho down to Brighton,
he must've played them all

but not today
because he's here!

He is the lead singer
with the loudest

and the greatest
rock 'n' roll band
of them all, The Who.

Ladies and gentlemen,
Roger Daltrey!

The rock god
has come among us!

Have a seat!

They are basking in
your magnificence and so am I.

-Thank you!
-It is a real honour
to have you here.

You see, I want to take
you back, if I may,
to 1975.

I'm in the back of a chemistry
lesson, there's me and
my mate, Dick Hazard,

and we're having the
big argument of the time,
Led Zep or The Who?

No competition.

'Cause it would be Dick,
coming at me, going,

"Have you seen John Bonham?
He's ridden a motorbike
through the Savoy."

Yeah, but he only copied
it off of Keith though.
Keith Moon did it all first.

Well, Keith Moon
took the Savoy through
a motorbike shop.

That was a great comeback.
Keith Moon was the boy.

Now, can we just
nail a few things down here?

Were you ever banned from
all Holiday Inns globally?

Er, no.

We were banned from

a whole state of Holiday Inns.

-In America?
-In America, yeah.

'Cause I think Moon

blew somebody up
in an elevator.

Fantastic. Why did he blow
someone up in the lift?

It seemed like the thing to do
at the time.

Another one
I want to nail down,

did anyone from The Who
ever drive a Rolls-Royce

or indeed, any car
into a swimming pool?

This is a tricky one,

because I actually
didn't see it,
although I saw the bill,

which was substantial.

It was $50,000 in 1967.

-$50,000?
-Yeah.

This is as near as I can get
to whether he did or not.

He drove a car into everything
else, if he didn't drive it
into a swimming pool,

but I did see a bill
for retrieving
a Lincoln Continental

out of a swimming pool.

That's the boy! That's the...

And the great thing about it,
it was on the second floor.

Well, you would take your
time. You see the restoration
films that we're doing.

'Cause Keith Moon's Chrysler
is in that.

I know. It's a great car!

Which he drove
into a duck pond.

Well, I saw his Rolls
in the duck pond,

but maybe he put the pair in.

I mean, I did see he had
a lilac Rolls-Royce.

'Cause Keith used to
have this thing about
anything that was

for the upper classes,
he would get and make it
immediately lower class.

So he bought
a brand-new Bentley S2
and hand-painted it lilac.

Right...

Not a good finish.

And that's the first car,
I think,

they did the
beating-up-of-the-vicar trick
down Oxford Street.

Where Viv Stanshall used to
jump out the car
at the top of Oxford Street,

start walking
down Oxford Street
dressed as a vicar.

Moon would give him
a five minute start,

and then draw up alongside,
leap out of the car,

and beat the
out of him!

In full public view.

And just to see
the reaction of people.

See, this is the lovely thing.

Well, we, I can count myself
in because I was part of that
whole generation of The Who.

Today, with your Maroon 5s
and your McFlys,
they're not doing that.

I mean, it was... You were
living the whole
rock 'n' roll dream back then.

Yeah, and we were free
to do it.

Now, the accountants
and the businessmen
run the business.

I mean, then, they didn't know
what they were doing,

they didn't know
what we were doing,

but they didn't know
that we didn't know
what we were doing.

So we could do anything.

The thing is though,

you made your name in making
great records, but live acts,
smashing stuff up,

smashed all the equipment
to pieces.

Which meant you couldn't have
been making any money
in those early days.

We were getting paid
anywhere from £75

to £150 a night,

and on average,
we were smashing

£250 to 300 worth.

And fortunately,
it all worked out.

And after four years we were
still broke,

but we managed to hit it
really big with Tommy.

Even before Tommy came along,
you had a Corvette Stingray.

No, that was after Tommy.

After Tommy money.

So, are you
a bit of a car nut?

Used to be.
In the old days, I used to
love cars, but now

I can take them or leave them,
to be honest.

I've been trying
to buy a new car,

but there's nothing out there
I would really, really say,

"I really,
really would like that."

Aston Martin DB9.

Well, I've looked at that,

but they've given me
a time to get one of 2007...

Roger, trust me on this.

For you,
I'll get you one tomorrow.

Really?

For all the pleasure
you've given me,

I shall ring Aston Martin up
in the morning,

and say, "I'll come round and
burn your factory down if
Roger Daltrey doesn't..."

'Cause you had an Aston
before, didn't you? A DB4.

Yeah, I had
a lovely DB4 in 1966.

A really wonderful cream DB4.

I made the mistake
of lending it to my mates
when I went on tour.

We were on a three month tour
of America

and I said,
"Look after the car for me."

Yeah, they looked after it
all right!

And I came back off tour
and I get back in this car

and I'm driving it
from the airport home

and I thought,
"This doesn't feel right."

And I get out a bit

and it was, kind of,
drawn up alongside
a nasty little 1100.

-Do you remember
that awful car those days?
-Yeah.

And I thought, "It's supposed
to be a bit longer
than an Austin 1100."

And what had happened was
they'd been gallivanting
around town in this car

and they'd followed
a coach load of crumpet
down the King's Road.

And they were all saying,
"Look at our car!"
and waving and all this

and the coach stopped.

And my Aston went completely
up the rear of this coach

and they couldn't afford
to repair it properly.

So, they did what only
any Shepherds Bush,
Chiswick guy could do.

They chopped the bit
that was bent off,
not the whole front.

Just the bit that was bent.

And they somehow
managed to buy a quarter
of a front end...

And welded it on.

And chopped enough off my car
so that it would kind of fit.

So the wheel just about turned
without missing it.

It's him that
we're talking about, isn't it?

-It's Nobby, yeah.
-This is Nobby.

It's him. He's actually...

CLARKSON: We've brought
him along tonight.

The man who crashed
your Aston and you're
still mates with him?

He won't let me drive
his car now.

I'm not surprised.
Now listen, talking of cars,

thing is, we know you've
wowed the Shea Stadium,
you've been a movie star,

but obviously this is the
pinnacle of your career.

You're here.
You're in the Liana.

So, who'd like to see
Roger's lap?

-AUDIENCE: Yes!
-Let's have a look.

CLARKSON: Good,
aggressive start.

Here we are, first corner,
very tricky one, this.

Actually, the track doesn't
look wet,

but The Stig tells me it's
unbelievably greasy out there.

DALTREY: Very.

CLARKSON:
Now over here, through
the Hammerhead...

Oh, very greasy! Look at that.

There's not much tyre squeal
and it's running wide,
you can tell that.

Yeah, we'll give you
a mildly...

Terrible!

CLARKSON:
We'll give you
a mildly wet lap.

Uh, Follow Through...

That looked flat out.
That's good and brave.

That's good and brave.

Second to last corner,
all right?

Here it is, this is the one
that catches everybody out.

How are you doing?
Let's have a look.

Hey!

-CLARKSON: Yes, as usual...
-DALTREY: Dear God!

CLARKSON: And last corner,
you're cutting it
good and brave.

Through Gambon
and across the line!

Okay.

Where do you reckon, then?

I don't really care
as long as I beat Whitely.

CLARKSON: Whitely?

Yeah, that's all!

-Don't worry about that.
-I don't care!

You've easily beaten
Richard Whitely.

Roger Daltrey, you did it in
one minute...

-49.7 seconds!
-Whoa!

And that is...

Hey!

-Faster than me!
-That's all right.

That is quite something,
I have to say.

And it was worse today
because it wasn't just wet.

-It was dry bits
and greasy bits.
-It was greasy.

-It was very greasy. You can
have a "mildly moist" on that.
-Oh, good.

Mildly moist. Well,
that's the fastest ever

mildly moist lap.

I like the mildly moist.

And I think I'm right
in saying...

You are officially
a pensioner now, aren't you?

No.

-Yes.
-Oh, give me a break.
I've got a bus pass.

You've got a bus...

You're the fastest person
with a bus pass here!

-That is really good.
-Thank you.

Well, you've made me
a very happy man
coming down here today,

'cause I am a huge fan
of yours, massively big fan.

And I'm going to
play Who's Next
all the way home tonight,

and make it home
in 15 minutes!

So, thanks very much
for coming.

Ladies and gentlemen,
Roger Daltrey!

Thank you.

CLARKSON: I enjoyed it.
I really enjoyed it.

Okay, now it's time
for the Top Gear awards.

It's becoming
a bit of a tradition, this.

We've done it twice.

And really,
we're going to recognise

the best and the worst
from 2004,
kicking off with this!

HAMMOND:
Welcome to the Top Gear
Comedy Handling Awards 2004.

Our short list
of finalists has been
whittled down to three.

The Stig will be driving them
in a minute.

In the meantime,
your hosts, me and James.

Now, for the purposes
of this very scientific test,

we're going to
use the Hammerhead
on our test track.

Here's a very
rough representation of it.

Our expert driver
is going to enter here
like this.

Now, we've got
comedy handling cars here,

a number of things may happen.

We could have
a bit of under-steer,

car might go straight ahead
when it should go
round a bend.

We could have under-steer
here, or lift-off over steer,
so a car tries to spin.

We could have cars
running wide here,
killing the cameramen.

Who knows? Let's find out.

MAY:
Just before we start though,
here's a Lotus Exige,

to show you how good
cornering should be done.

Here it comes
into the Hammerhead.

It's staying nice and tight
between the lines

and it changes direction
beautifully.

Right, that's the bar set.
Let's smash straight into it.

HAMMOND:
And now, at number three,
it's the Toyota Prius

that Jeremy tested earlier.

Remember, it should stay
within the white...

Oh, dear!

MAY: That's spectacularly bad!

HAMMOND:
It's not going right at all!

The green car, then,
not doing very well.

HAMMOND: The problem here,
we reckon are its special
eco-friendly tyres

which actually have
very little grip.

MAY:
That was a good comedy car.

Now, at number two,
it's the Malaysian entry,

the Perodua Kenari.

Tall, boxy
and with skinny tyres,

this shows great promise
for hopeless handling.

-I'm not expecting much.
-No.

HAMMOND: It's a bit like
cornering in an office chair.

HAMMOND:
Oh, that doesn't
feel brilliant!

It's over-steering!

-That wasn't handling at all.
-HAMMOND: No, that was
just chaos.

MAY: Fantastic!

Over-steer and under-steer
all in one small package here.

Now, can anything beat that?

HAMMOND:
Well, yes, we think so,

because it's time
for the Smart City Car.

Like the Kenari, it's tall
and skinny-tyred.

And this is probably
the bravest thing The Stig
has ever done.

Here we go.

HAMMOND: That's the left,
here comes the right...
And there...

-HAMMOND: It's completely...

HAMMOND: He never even...

He never even tried it!

HAMMOND: Oh, dearie me!

Now, let's see that again
from The Stig's in-car camera.

Look, he turns the wheel

and the car goes straight on!

World-class under-steer there!

And so, the award for the car

that goes around a corner
with the least dignity is

the Smart!

Now, the surprise of the year.

This is awarded to the car
that was much, much better

than we were
expecting it to be.

And the nominations are

the Ariel Atom, which
you will be able to see
in our Boxing Day show.

The Ferrari 612, which we'll
be featuring next week.

And the Vauxhall Monaro.

CLARKSON:
The Atom surprised us
because it's so fast,

it can totally
destroy your face.

HAMMOND:
The Vauxhall surprised us

because it's a Vauxhall
you'd actually want to buy.

MAY:
And the Ferrari surprised us
because it's at least

2,000 times better
than its looks would lead you
to believe.

And the winner is
a big surprise,

it's the Vauxhall Monaro!

Now, elsewhere in the world,
awards are awarded
to reward excellence.

But here, on the
Top Gear awards,
we like to award an award

that rewards
a car that we found
particularly unrewarding

in 2004.

-This isn't quite right,
I'm sorry.
-It's not brilliant, mate.

Worst Car of the Year.

It's the Worst
Car of the Year!
Yes, thank you.

And here are the nominations.

CLARKSON: Yes, indeed!
We've got the BMW X3,

because it's a big
four-wheel drive off-road car
that doesn't work off-road...

Or on-road.

And it's ugly enough to
make small children feel sick.

MAY: The City Rover,
because Rover buys them from
an Indian company for £3,500,

and expects to sell them
to you and me
for almost twice that.

HAMMOND:
And the Hyundai Accent,

which is wretched,
whatever engine it has,

but we were particularly
depressed with the
three cylinder diesel version.

It really is
less fun than drowning.

And the winner
clinched it by a mile,

which it still took
an hour to cover.

The worst car of 2004 is
the Hyundai Accent!

Now, the best engine noise
we heard on our track in 2004.

We liked the sound
of the Mercedes SLR.

We liked the sound
of the Porsche Carrera GT,

but the winner is this.

Now...

Does anyone want to
guess what that is?

-MAN: A Ferrari.
-It's a Ferrari! Straightaway!
Who said that?

Well done, you sir!
That was a Ferrari.

It was specifically
the Ferrari 360
Challenge Stradale.

Best Engine Sound of the Year.

Okay, the next award is for
Britain's biggest anorak...

And it's him!

Okay, we move on now
to the Top Gear
Clot of the Year Award.

The winner will receive
this prestigious golden cock.

It's for the presenter
that's made the biggest
mess of things

and we'll kick off with James.

Ah, yes. I think this will be
the City Rover secret film.

You may remember,
we weren't allowed
to drive the City Rover,

Rover wouldn't lend us one.

So we went to a dealership.
I was disguised with a camera
hidden in my tie.

I went in, I filmed it,
I came out and
I said to the director,

"That is going
to be brilliant!"

Here's what we saw.

MAY: Here's me going in.

And that's what I filmed
with my tie.

-HAMMOND:
It's just the ceiling!

MAY:
So, this is the City Rover.

No, it was the
fluorescent light.

You can stop laughing!
Why don't you
tell them what you did?

Well, no, you see,
I turned up to film the car
in the usual way

and the director said,
"Hello, good morning.
Have you got everything?

"Have you got
the right clothes?"

"Yes, I've got those."

"Have you got the script?"
"Yes, I've got that with me."

"And have you seen
your hair stuff?"
"Oh, yes."

"Right, where's the car?"

"Ah, forgot that!"

Hadn't brought the car.

Left it at home
in Gloucestershire.

-Poor.
-Yes, very poor indeed.
But I fear...

I fear mine may be
worse because,

you may have seen
the Land Rover Discovery film
recently,

drove it to the top
of a mountain in Scotland.

We used a helicopter to get
the last couple of shots.

And I said to the pilot,
"Look, I've really got to
get home tonight.

"Can you fly me
to Glasgow airport?"

And I said to
the director and the crew,

"Can you drive the car back
down the mountain?"

No problem.
Got in the helicopter.

Fell asleep.
Woke up an hour later.

Of course,
I did give them the keys.

So, if you want
a Land Rover Discovery,

there's one at the top
of a mountain in Scotland,

being guarded
by five skeletons.

Now, um...

This is an
audience decision here.

So, hands up everyone
who think that James should
win for his lousy camera work.

-Anyone?

There's one.
There's a handful there.

And Richard, for forgetting
to take a car to a shoot,

hands up there.

-Oh, dear.
-I think I can see
which way this is gonna go.

Who thinks it's Jeremy?

Everyone!

I'd like to present this
to you.

I am the golden cock!

A worthy winner of that!
Well done.

I am the golden cock.

-Right...
-HAMMOND: Yes, he is.

Okay, the next award is...

The All Things
Considered Award.

The award for the car
that covers all the bases.

Speed, style,
economy, comfort, price,
safety, the lot.

In other words,
this is the award
for the best car of 2004.

And the nominations are...

CLARKSON:
The Jaguar S-type diesel.

It's peaceful,
it's comfortable,
it's economical,

and yet, at the hands
of a German bird, it'll get
round the Nuerburgring

in nine minutes
and 12 seconds.

HAMMOND: The VW Golf GTI.

It looks good
everywhere it goes.

It's practical
and it goes like Stig.

It's all things to all men.

MAY: And then, there's the
Subaru Legacy spec-B.

We like the looks
and the quality.

And the way that they've
shoe-horned bits of
the Impreza rally car

into this impressive,
all-round, family bus.

And so, the winner.

The Top Gear Car of the Year
for 2004 is

the VW Golf GTI!

-CLARKSON: But, but...

But, that is not
the end of proceedings,

because while the Golf
is a very worthy car,

it wasn't our
favourite car from 2004.

That's why we decided
to have a new award,

for the car,
which money no object,

we would most like to own.

These are the nominations.

MAY: The Ferrari Enzo.

It came here, and in the
hands of our Stig,
it just blitzed our track!

It is easily the fastest
super car and that, surely,
is the point of super cars.

CLARKSON:
Then there was
the Aston Martin DB9,

which was certainly the
best-looking car of 2004
and probably from all of time.

It's also icy cool
and as quick as hell.

HAMMOND:
Then, at the other end
of the scale,

we have the new
Land Rover Discovery.

Which, as we proved
when we took it to Scotland,

really can climb
every mountain and
ford every stream.

But there can
only be one winner.

And it is

the Aston Martin DB9!

That's our favourite car!

CLARKSON:
Earlier this year,
the Discovery beat a mountain,

but in our race
from Guildford to Monte Carlo
in the last series,

the Aston beat
a 200 mile an hour train.

It is utterly fabulous
in every way!

What a car!

Now...

That's the end of the awards.

So, let's move on because
I want to talk about this.

See, in the olden days,
if you wanted to experience

the power and the speed of
a Lamborghini Murcielago

you had to buy

a Lamborghini Murcielago.

And the thing is, they're
hopelessly impractical
and very expensive!

But now, apparently,
there's a solution.

CLARKSON:
This is a Mitsubishi Evo 8.

And underneath all the
flamboyant sticky-out bits,

it is in essence
a four-door saloon.

So there's space in the back
for three children
and it has a big boot.

But mostly, it's a
turbocharged, computerised,

four-wheel drive,
road-going rally car!

CLARKSON:
So when you drive this thing
really, really hard,

it just redefines what you
think is physically possible.

And even when the grip
runs out... Like that.

Sit, chat, read a book,

you're not going off!

The computer's sorted
everything out for you!

You really do have to say
that it's almost impossible
to crash this!

I mean, look, one finger...

One-finger power sliding.

There's no other car
I've ever driven
that could do this.

It really does make
a ballet dancer
look like she's got hooves!

Even when it's in tripod mode,

with one of its back wheels
wiggling around in the air,

and it still won't let go!

As a result of all this,
I really do think
that this car

could go round a corner faster
than a Lamborghini Murcielago.

But what about the bits
in-between the corners?

You would imagine
that on the straights,

it would be left trailing
in the super car's wake.

On the face of it,
you have a point.

Because the rules of rallying
say that the engine
has to be a 2-litre.

To give you an idea
how small that is,

this carton contains
2.3 litres of milk.

So this engine is smaller
than this, and yet

Mitsubishi's British engineers
have managed to extract
400 brake horsepower from it!

400 brake horsepower from
something smaller than that!

Technically,
that is astonishing!

CLARKSON: It even comes with
a three-year warranty, which
is even more astonishing.

But the most astonishing thing
of all is the performance.

It does naught to 60
in 3.5 seconds and
has a top speed of 175!

That's Road Runner
performance!

That's the stuff of cartoons!

And to help
keep it on the road,

it even has some
cartoon styling as well.

It has this Sonic the Hedgehog
arrangement on the roof,

to help keep it straight
and true at speed.

And to help it cleave
the air more easily,
it has shrunken door mirrors,

which appear to have
been modelled on Shrek's ears.

Has it worked, though?

Can the Evo really be
as fast as this V12,

570 brake horsepower
Lamborghini?

This is three times
more expensive.

It has three times
as many cylinders

and three times
the cubic capacity.

Well, let's find out!

Can the big bad super bull
shake off the Evo?

And don't think I'm going
to cheat by putting James May
in the Lamborghini.

The green car is, in fact,
being driven by James Kaye,

who's a British
touring car champion.

CLARKSON:
Here we go, into Chicago.

Way faster than you
through this, sunshine!

You could see the back
of that Lambo twitching
coming out of the corner!

Look at this! Look at this!

Of course, both these cars
are four-wheel drive,

so there's no
tail-out tyre-smoke malarkey

that we normally show you
on Top Gear.

This is precision stuff!

I could have had him then.

But that's not the game.
I don't need to overtake him.

I just want to know,
can he shake me off?

This is amazing!

A fit young racing driver
in a super car,

and he cannot pull away from a
fat man in a four-door saloon.

I can turn tighter...

I can turn harder...

I reckon I'm gonna bully him
into making a mistake!

He's steering wide...

Now, you see?
You see? You see?

He's gone! He's gone!
He's put his wiper on.

Loser!

Loser!

CLARKSON: So there we are.

This incredible four-door
family saloon

really is as fast
as a Lamborghini.

Holy moly! What a thing!

Yes.

Yes, but unfortunately...

-I've only shown you
half the film so far.
-Oh.

You've seen how fast it goes,
and now, coming up,

is the price you pay
for all that oomph!

It's all very well
getting 400 brake horsepower
out of the engine.

The problem is nailing
all those horses down.

I mean, the clutch,
for instance.
It's hopeless!

It can handle
the power just fine.

But every time you set off

it stalls.

Then there's
the turning circle,
which is worse than Jupiter's,

and a ride
which can break your legs.

But worse, worse than
all of this is the turbo lag.

CLARKSON: We've already seen
that this little car can
keep up with a Lamborghini.

So, you would imagine that it
would make absolute mincemeat
of a rented 1.6-litre

Fiat Stilo Estate.

Okay, we're both in top gear.
We're both doing
30 miles an hour.

Let's see what happens when
we both put our foot down.

Ready? Ready?

One... Two... Three... Go!

I can't keep up!

My foot is welded
to the floor!

Welded! If I pushed
any harder, I'd be
through the firewall.

And the rented Fiat,
look, is pulling away.

This is the trouble
with fitting a gigantic turbo!

Unless you're
in the right gear
at the right time,

you have
no performance at all!

I'm catching him now.
Here comes the turbo.

Here it comes!

Here it comes!

And we're out of runway.

1.7 mile runway
and I never caught it!

CLARKSON:
There are some other problems
with this car too,

like it costs £47,000.

And it'll only run
on Shell Optimax petrol,

and it does four miles to
the gallon when you cane it,

and you have to service it
every 4,500 miles.

Mind you, the tyres will
only last 4,000 miles
before they wear out,

and I hate the stereo as well!

Look at it,
stupid flashing lights.

What's that all about?

This car, I think,
a bit like Jordan.

I can see why they did it,
bit of a laugh. But I think
they've gone too far.

I think it's all
just a bit too silly.

Oh, damn it!

Yes.

And I haven't finished yet,

because this spoiler,
for instance,
they put on this model,

it does something to the air
when you're barrelling along

and peels off
the wheel-arch liner.

So, as you go over 100,
this car undresses itself.

Happily, however,

you can save
yourself a fortune and
buy an Evo 8,

with either a
340 brake horsepower engine
or 320, 300 or 260.

And these cars, these ones,

they offer you 95%
of the thrills with
none of the drawbacks!

Absolutely, now, the 320
version has already been
round our track with The Stig.

And he managed to get it,
where is it? It's here! 1:26.

So, between a
Lamborghini Gallardo
and a Ferrari 575 GT.

So, it's time to find out
what it can do with
another 80 horsepower.

Let's hand it over to the
Mitsu-Stiggy!

CLARKSON:
Off the line
and a bit of wheel spin,

'cause even though
it's four-wheel drive,

the Evo's vicious power
overwhelms the tyres.

Looks like a bit of trouble
there in the first corner.
A bit wobbly on the way in.

But much better
on the way out.

Absolutely. Who Are You.

Playing a musical tribute
to our guest this week.

Chicago, getting a little bit
sideways. This car really
does love to drift.

Now the Hammerhead.
Hard on the brakes turn-in.

Looks like under-steer there.

It's off the boost!

He's dropped off the boost!
He's hardly moving at all!

Right, now,
down to Follow Through.
Much faster now!

This is where the brutal
on-boost power of the Evo
should shine.

Oh, yes. It's very greasy
out there today.

The active disc
shifting the power around
to keep it together!

Into the last corner now!

And here he comes!

-And across the line in...
-Yes?

One minute, 24.8.

So, it is quick. It's
1.2 seconds
quicker than that one,

but that one,
I maintain, the 320,
is still the one to buy.

And on that,
we must end the show.

If you've just joined us,
forgetting that the show
started at 7:00 tonight,

hello!

If you've been watching
for the whole hour, goodbye.

Next week, we are back to
the normal time of 8:00,

when we'll be doing
quite a big race, actually.

It's these guys
with British Airways
flying to Switzerland,

versus me
driving there in a Ferrari.

See you then. Good night!