Top Gear (2002–…): Season 29, Episode 5 - Episode #29.5 - full transcript

Thank you.
Hello, welcome to Top Gear.

It's the last show of the series
but don't worry,

because we're going out
with a bang.

Time to get your nostalgia pants on

because you're in for a tasty treat.

Yes, we're doing ice cream vans -
heroes of the British road.

Trust me - it's going to be fab.

- LAUGHTER - Where were you?

Where were you?

Right where he should have been.

Yes, the ice cream van, keeping
our kids cool and our dentists



busy for the last 70 years,
but tragically they're dying out.

Give them the stats, oracle.

Back in the '70s, there were
tens of thousands of ice cream vans

on British roads.

Today, barely 2,000.

There's nothing you don't know.
This is fantastic.

Well, apart from fashion!

It seems the classic ice cream van
is just too polluting, too slow

and not attention-grabbing enough
for our busy modern lifestyles.

Time, then,
for another McGuinness masterpiece.

To show off the future of mobile
chilled refreshment,

I told Harris and Flintoff

to meet me in the ice cream van's
spiritual home...

..Blackpool.



Am I just not seeing it at its best?

You can see it better if the sun's
out and it's a bit warmer,

but this is it. And you love it,
don't you? This is all its glory.

Whenever I say the word
"Blackpool" your face lights up

and I see you transported
back to your childhood.

Yeah, remember, because I didn't
get on an aeroplane until I was 15.

This was our holidays - Blackpool,
Morecambe, Southport.

Was it day trips or would you come
and stay up here?

I wouldn't stay over.
We were only 20 minutes away.

We're not made of money, Chris.
Bloody hell!

Gentlemen!

Oh, yes! Wow!

Mr Nippy.

Cold As Ice

by M.O.P

It's a monster truck that's
an ice cream van!

Best one yet. Best one yet.

That is remarkable.

ICE to see you, to see you...

ICE! Yes! Welcome...

to Mr Nippy, the ice cream
van for the 21st century, boys.

What did you hear when I come round?

It's electric. It's silent.

Zero emissions.

What's the biggest
enemy of the ice cream van?

Diabetes. No.

The council.

Local councils don't want yous
parked up outside a school

churning out exhaust fumes.
This thing, zero emissions.

Greenpeace absolutely love this.

Why are you dressed as a butcher?

Cast your eyes down there.

It cleans as it goes!

Hey, lads,

what can I get you? Oh! I've got
you your own cones, lads. Yes!

Do you want a Freddie?

I'm not happy about this at all.

What, the little Chris?

That's right - genius.

And better still...

There's a Flintoff.

..Mr Nippy...

Chris, there's the Harris.

..was just getting...

You are such a dick... warmed up.

Gentlemen, what's the biggest
enemy of the ice cream van?

Winter. No-one wants a Calippo
when there's snow on the ground.

That's where Mr Nippy
comes into its own.

All year round ice cream on this. Do
you want a couple of Winter Warmers?

Yeah, go on.

It takes a bit of time.

What is this?

But it'll be all worth it.

Would you like a Flake in that, sir?

Mash?

Would you like some squirty gravy?

Sprinkles? What...?

Voila.

The Winter Warmer.

Eh? My mind is blown.

That, that... All year round.

That is a revolution.

They'll be coming out
middle of winter.

"What's the ice cream van doing?"

That's what it's doing -
mash cones, sausage Flake,

pea sprinkles, squirty gravy. You
have altered seaside dining forever.

Never mind that, Paddy, my hands
are empty. Sorry, Fred.

Sprinkles? Yes, PEAS! Oh!

Let's face it -
the boys had been won over.

Do you want to hop on board
Mr Nippy? Yeah.

And with two new recruits for the
Mr Nippy team now fully on board...

Uniforms. What?

Are we working? Oh, here we go.

..it was time for us all to
head off along the seafront...

Get your hands off my Flakes!

..and give the good

people of Blackpool
their first taste...

..of the future.

Whoa!

Hey! Here we go.

Two Tesla batteries,
up to 33.5 seconds.

That is totally unnecessary
for this type of vehicle.

I've got to be careful -
it's a bit high sided.

I'm going to end up on my back here.

Now, impressive
performance is one thing,

but what an ice cream van really
needs to do...

Hello, everyone!

..is draw a crowd.

Do you know what the biggest
enemy of the ice cream van is?

Jamie Oliver. No.

Double glazing. Why?

When you're a kid,
you'd sit in your house,

the ice cream van would come along,
had the chimes on,

you'd hear it because your
windows were paper thin.

Now, double glazing, Everest have
killed the ice cream game off.

But I've even thought of that.
Get onto this.

Booming the new ice cream tune.
You'll hear that from miles around.

The kids will come flocking.

You've got a bit of butcher about
you there, Paddy. No, you see...

It's a bit butcher. This is
what's happened over the years.

The image of the ice cream seller

has been sanitised and watered down.

This is tradition. This is what
they wore back in the day. Really?

What, if they were a butcher?

Clearly the new recruits
had a lot to learn, but,

despite the weather, the dubstep
Greensleeves had drawn the crowds...

They're all chomping at the bit
to get a bit of Mr Nippy.

..and that meant

it was time to start
slinging the white stuff.

Get the ice cream ready,

because I've got a lovely little
social distancing tool.

OK.

Just stand over there, sir.

Coming round.

I tell you what -
this is working a treat, boys!

Yay!

There you go, that's your Chris.

What would you like? A Freddie.
A Freddie? There we go.

Flake? Do you want some insulin
with this?

Suffice to say,
Mr Nippy was a game changer.

Do you think
he's dressed like a butcher?

This is a traditional
ice cream seller's outfit.

And the good
people of Blackers...

You caught that better
than Flintoff!

..had been blown away.

See you later!

Before McGuinness could declare Mr
Nippy a complete success, though...

..it turned out the producers
still needed some convincing...

..because they told us
to leave the locals alone

and instead report
to a nearby airfield...

..where we'd be tested against
a much-loved benchmark. Oh!

I spot a classic up here, boys.

A Whitby Morrison Amalfi. Iconic.

You can tell it's a good 'un when
it says, "Stop, mind that child."

Oh, challenge.

"So, you think you've built
a better ice cream van.

"Time to take on the best
in the business

"around the state-of-the-art Top
Gear ice cream van test facility."

So, I guess one of you two
are going to be driving that.

Yeah, I'm in. Get in, yeah.

He's done a bit of this, hasn't he?

Chip van round the UK.
I'm a bit worried, Paddy.

I think you've got your work cut out
here, lad. Well... Mercedes.

It'll have all the mod cons, this.

Paddy, look at it. Look at it.

Whoa. She's plush. It is plush.

Remember, Mr Nippy's a prototype
so don't be going mad

because I'll roll it.

Right.

Strap on. That sounds wrong.

To prove it had what it takes,
Mr Nippy would now

take on Whitby Morrison's
finest around a tricky handling

course laid out across Blackpool
Airport's fire training area.

Each van would have to serve
three pristine 99 ice creams

to three very hot firefighters

before sprinting back to complete

the lap, and it was over to Flintoff

in the Amalfi
to lay down the benchmark time.

Are you all set, Fred? All good.

Get them ice creams to the
firefighters before they melt.

Three, two, one, go!

Come on.
I've got my foot on the floor.

I tell you what -
not the fastest of take-offs.

He's got to look after
the ice cream.

Oh, my word.

It's a bit bumpy.

Bouncing around. Paddy's going to
have his work cut out here.

Whoa! Whoa!

Geez, it's all going up in the back.

There's no way Mr Nippy's getting
round them bends in one piece.

Bloomin' heck, it's a U-turn.

Spin it, spin it, spin it.

Come on.

Oh, look at that for a turning
circle from the Mercedes.

Big fire, big fire.
Bloody hell, lads.

Anyone for ice creams?

Help yourselves, boys. Get in there,
get yourself one. All good?

Thank you very much.
Cheers, boys.

Keep up the good work.
Cheers, lads.

Ho, ho, ho! Delivery done.

You don't see enough ice cream vans
outside fire stations

and that's where I think
they'd clean up.

You think - them lads
have been out, come back,

they've got a thirst on.

Take it wide.

Come on. Go, go, go!

And through.

What's the time?

2.25.13. It was quite quick. Yeah.

But I tell you what -

round them corners in this I had to
jump on the anchors. Really? Yeah.

I'll get it out the way,
then you can go.

The upside is this -

morally he's burnt half a litre
of fuel doing that.

You, in that...

..you're actually cleaning the air
as you go round. Good luck, Pad.

Thank you.

Paddy, are you ready? Are your
ice creams ready? I'm ready.

Hey, and what is handy -

my helmet matches my uniform.

A bit of me, this - stylish.

Did he say stylish? He's not seen
a mirror. Shall we start him? Yeah.

OK, Paddy, you're going to go

in three, two, one...

It gets off the mark, doesn't it?

It's not going any slower
than you were.

Oh, ho, ho!

Go on, Mr Nippy!

Oh, God. Oh, my word.

He's gone off. He's on the grass.

Oh, ho, ho! What is going on?

What's happened to Mr Nippy?

What's happened?

He's not made it through
the first corner.

Yeah, but down there it's so bumpy.

He set off so fast, it was obvious.

Oh, no, no, no, Mr Nippy, no.

Paddy, it's Fred.
Are you all right? It's just...

It's just cut out, lost power.

What has gone on here?
I'm going to have to reset it.

Not sure you're going to get

many customers where you are
at the minute.

After leaving Mr Nippy
to cool off for a bit,

McGuinness eventually lined up
for another run.

These ice creams aren't going
to deliver themselves, are they?

That's a lovely attitude to take.
OK, ready?

Three, two,

one, go!

It surprises me every time, that.

That doesn't sound right at all.

Will it make it round
the first corner?

Mr Nippy nips off the corners.

This will be interesting
because this is bumpy round here.

Oh, ho, ho!

Oh, ho, ho!

Ice creams are holding up.

Don't you worry, lads!

Mr Nippy is on the way!

He's having a go, though, isn't he?

He's going fast now.
Kicking up some dust.

Oh, God.

Oh!

See, the thing is, when I was
designing Mr Nippy I didn't

think I'd be going round a circuit.

Oh, God!

Oh!

It does look sketchy.

He's a bit more Mr Tippy
than Mr Nippy, isn't he?

Oh, come on! U-turn? In this?!

I'm going to have
to get on the grass.

Go on, get round. Oh, God!

Ooh. That was going, wasn't it?

Don't worry, boys, I'm here!

Oh, God, I was nearly
into the flaming jet engine.

Oh, God.

This is just going to take time.
Look at this.

You can take the bloody steering
wheel off. Stirling Moss style.

Fear not, boys, I am here. Eh?

It's like Daft Punk, this, isn't it?

Fantastic! There you are.

You what?

We're not having them.

Lads, you're putting out a jet fire!

You can't be
picky about an ice cream!

Do you want a lolly?

I can do you a Nobbly Bobbly.

Come on, Pad, where is he?

That's a Super Cola. A Rocket
for the little 'un on the end, eh?

There we go. Eh?

Oh, come on, McGuinness.

Unbelievable.

Oh, God, we're off.

It's no good looking
for a line in this thing.

And on the brakes!

Oh! Here he is.
He's back, he's back, he's back.

We're through!

That's quick. That was quick.
She carried some weight.

That's quick
when it's in a straight line.

How did you feel that went?

Might have been
a bit on the slow side.

Had a few technicals,
got to be honest. OK. I pulled up...

..I had this... Yeah.

..and that. You mean, your design,
your design. And that. Your design.

And then that. Also your design.

Then I could get out.
Yep, your design.

Then I took the firefighters the ice
creams. Uh-uh. They're still there.

Yeah, they turned them down. Why?
They said they just weren't

happy with them, so I said,
"Do you want a Nobbly Bobbly?

So, I got in the van, I had to get
back in... They're buried.

They're buried.
Dug out what I could -

I think I got a Funny Foot
and a Rocket - gave them them,

gave them a piece of my mind...
Yeah.

..got back in the van and drove off.

All of which took...

..five minutes and 12 seconds.

But, to be fair, this isn't
Mr Nippy's natural terrain.

There's more strings to this little
fellow's bow. Hop in.

Prepare to have your minds blown.

Hold on to your wafers, boys!

Whoa!

Whoa! Right, McGuinness... Ho, ho!

McGuinness! Oh, here we go!

You see, the trouble with ice cream
vans now is they're made for tarmac.

All your customers, they're on
the grass, they're in the parks,

they're on the beach,
they're on the sand.

This thing will go anywhere.

Woo! Whoa! Paddy, it's electric.
We're going to get electrocuted.

Get the wipers on!
It's electric, you knobhead!

Oh, God!

Ha, ha!

McGuinness...

Oh!

Oh, it's all coming in here.

There's water everywhere.
You are such a wally! Whoa!

Stop, stop, there's people now,
Paddy. I see customers.

I see customers. Bloody hell, man.
Hang on, right. Hang on.

Mate, it's a disgrace back here,
Paddy.

That's going to take a while, that,
isn't it? I genuinely can't see.

Mate, it's gone everywhere.

There's milk and cream everywhere.

It's disgusting!

You see, Mr Nippy gets the ice cream
right to where it's needed most.

There you go. Take it, OK?
There you go.

And just when you think it's pushed
the world of chilled refreshment

as far as it'll go...

..Mr Nippy goes and rewrites
the rule book once again.

Lads...

..there's customers out there.
Where? Where? Where?

That's the sea. Exactly.

Oh, yes.

Ladies and gentlemen, welcome to
Mr Nippy's nautical sidekick...

..Mr Shippy.

The ice creams are coming, everyone!

Mr Shippy's here.

I know this is not in the spirit
of what Paddy is trying to achieve,

but wouldn't it be easier
if he just got them to come in here

and buy from the van?

Yeah, that's what they do.
Where am I going?

Hang on.

Oh, Jesus!

He's just a clown, isn't he? Yeah.

Come on!

What's he doing? Go on,
Paddy. How's it going?

He's going in. He's going in here.
It's a prototype.

Ah!

He's such a prat.

I like it. Thank you. You've got
to admit I'm on to something.

More like on something. All right,
I'll concede - Mr Nippy - promising.

Thank you. But what's that
floaty tyre thing?

Mr Shippy. Absolute shambles.

All right, Mr Knocker, eh?

It were a prototype!

Do you know how many chicken
breasts George Foreman burnt

before he got that grill right?
Plenty!

Mr Nippy's still got more to give,
as you'll see later in the show,

but first, Chris Harris wants
to talk about electric cars.

That's right, Patrick,

because EVs aren't exactly
taking over the roads, are they?

And I reckon that's because cheap
electric cars are a bit joyless.

What we need is something electric
and affordable and efficient

but also fun, like the original
Mini, and perhaps we've got one.

It comes from Honda.

As you'd expect, it's called the E.

And, as you can see, it's small,
pretty and manages that neat trick

of looking fresh
and yet somehow timeless.

It's a lot like the original
Mini, except here Honda has taken

that tried-and-tested less-is-more
approach and really run with it.

You see, the one question
people ask about any new

electric car is, "How far will it
go on a single charge?"

And in this case, the answer

is not very far.

Officially, it's about 130 miles.

Now, if you live in Gloucestershire

and commute to Glasgow
that's a bit of an issue,

but, Honda reckons, for the rest
of us it's not such a problem.

You see, it turns out less than
1% of journeys in the UK

are longer than 100 miles.

So, Honda says, there's no point
lugging around a bunch of extra

heavy and expensive batteries

that 99% of the time you don't need.

How can I put it?

It's like sometimes you're asked
to take a load of in-laws

to a wedding, right, and what you
need is an eight-seater minibus,

but you don't actually buy an
eight-seater minibus

for the two times a year
you might actually need it.

What you do is you buy a normal car
and you tell

mad Aunt Jean to take a taxi.

And it's the same with the E.

It's not about what might
occasionally be handy -

it's about what
you actually need every day.

And besides, smaller batteries mean
a lighter car

and a lighter car should mean

more fun to drive.

And this thing does manage that.

I've got a wheel at each corner.

It feels squat, it feels agile,

the steering is really quick.

And - like all electric cars -

it somehow manages to feel much
quicker than the numbers suggest.

It just punches out of corners
with all that torque. It's great.

OK, it's not very fast -
0 to 60, eight seconds,

top speed 100mph -

and this is the fast one.

But that doesn't matter.

The old Mini wasn't fast

but it was fun, and so is this.

However, the old Mini was also cheap
and it has to be said the Honda E...

..isn't.

This one is £26,000
and that includes £3,000

from the government, which is enough

to stop most buyers in their tracks.

Unless, that is, those buyers

like lots and lots of toys.

Now, in here you get more screens
than the Dixons telly department.

Have a look at this little lot here.

It is remarkable.

To start with, you can
have Japan in the autumn.

I don't know why that's useful,
but it's great.

And if you're really bored -

and you'd have to be really bored -

you can turn the whole
fascia into an aquarium.

Don't ask me why, but the people
at Honda thought it would be funky.

Now, the rear-view mirror is
actually a camera facing backwards

and both wing mirrors are also
cameras, like little mouse's ears,

on the side of the car and

if you really want to have
a massive crash,

you can connect a PlayStation.

Don't get me wrong, the little
Honda is great fun,

it's just that £26,000

is a lot of money for an electric
car that - aquariums aside -

isn't really bringing
anything new to the party.

And that's a real shame,

because Honda's history

is full of innovation and new ideas.

It knows how to do revolutionary
better than any other car company,

but this E - it's lovely to be in,

it's lovely to drive, but it's just
a load of existing technology

wrapped in some fancy clothes.

And the thing about existing
technology is everyone

else is at it too.

Which begs the question -

how does the little Honda
stack up against the competition?

To find out, I've brought it to
the rigorous industry-standard

proving ground that is Alton Towers.

And waiting to take on the Honda
at the UK's largest theme park -

a pair of the E's closest rivals.

In the silver corner,
the Mini Electric,

all that keen handling
and total lack of practicality

we've come to expect
from the pride of Oxfordshire...

and Bavaria. Now with a plug socket.

More powerful than the Honda

and able to go a little
further on a charge, at just

over £24,000, the Mini Electric

is also a couple of grand cheaper.

And in the Orange corner,
the Vauxhall Corsa-e -

just like a normal Corsa,
only battery-powered.

Perfect for the buyer who doesn't
want people to know they've gone

electric, but is totally happy
being seen in a Vauxhall.

For nigh on the same money as the
Honda, you get 200 miles of range,

plus it's bigger
and somehow also lighter.

Now all we need is a pair of
precision drivers to pilot

these two machines.

Hello, Chris.

Now we're talking.
We said precision, lads.

What's precision about your driving,
to start with? Nothing.

Can you believe we're in Alton
Towers? We've got it to ourselves.

Have you been here before, Paddy?
Oh, have I've been?

I've been here, my friend. My name's
marked on trees down there,

when I've got lost in the past.
I've been here loads of times.

I came as a kid a couple of times,
then I brought my kids.

I love it here.

I've got to say, I like the look
of that. I didn't think I would.

I've seen pictures of it,
but in the flesh,

it's got a bit of a charm to it.
What, him? No, no, not him!

At the minute, everyone loves a
Mini, right? But, the wheels.

Mate, I'm with you.

I don't see the need for
electric cars to mess about with

the wheels so much.
It's like because it's electric,

they feel as though they have to
do these little touches to it

and that's why the Corsa is
the best one,

because if you look at it,
it's just a Corsa.

You wouldn't even know it's electric
apart from that little Pac-Man

badge on the side there.

But that's the problem, I think.
You've said it yourself. What?

It's a Corsa. I think
you'll be surprised by this. Yeah?

It's got a few tricks up its sleeve,
this little fellow.

And an absolute
goon behind the wheel.

Oh, dear. Oh, dear,
oh, dear, oh, dear.

Now, the rules of our test
are simple.

Starting at the entrance, we'd
all race to find a route through

Alton Towers' different
themed zones, aiming to be first

to reach the exit near the Nemesis
ride on the other side of the park.

However, as if this
bewildering maze of roads

and roller-coasters
wasn't enough to contend with,

the producers had also thrown
in a few strategically placed

dead ends to keep us guessing.

And to think, all this armed
with nothing but a visitors' map.

Right, gentlemen. Study your maps,

because I'm going to take some
beating in this bad boy.

I'm confident on this one, lads.

I've got the best handling car,
I've got the most power.

This is my day, mate. This is my
day. I've always wanted to say this.

Gentlemen, start your batteries!

Three.

Two.

One.

Go!

Oh, the Corsa's
straight off the line!

Doing a right here, got
the inside line. Where's he going?

I'm going left. Yes, yes,
yes, yes, yes!

They've gone the other way!
They've gone the other way!

Oh, no, it's a dead end!

Geez.

Whoa! Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa!

I'm not going that way!
That's a barrier. Right!

So I want to head up
towards the Forbidden Valley.

So, tactics.

Harris had decided to use his map,
which was going well.

This isn't quite
as straightforward as I'd hoped.

Flintoff, meanwhile,

had decided to blunder
from one roadblock to the next.

No, can't go that way.

While I was channelling
years of McGuinness family outings.

This is proper Alton Towers,
this. In the forest.

This is where
I used to get lost as a kid.

And that meant myself and my little
Vauxhall were in the lead

and already at the first big
roller-coaster.

Come on, Corsa! Here we go.

This... This is mad.
This is school boy dream stuff!

Now we're cooking on gas. Now we've
found a route. Ooh, which way?

Let's go up here.

I've got Harris. How good is this?
Come on, Harris!

I'm just going to follow him.

Yes! Now we're cooking.
Up to the actual towers.

This is the best day out ever.

So, we'd all cleared the first zone,

and McGuinness was now leading
the way round the back

of the towers towards what looked
like the next stage of the course.

Oh! Dark Forest, that'll do.

Come on, Corsa!

Where the BLEEP is it?

But this is the problem with
racing around a theme park littered

with random dead ends.

What have we got down here?
What have we got down here?

The way isn't always obvious
even using the map.

That's the Dark Forest. That
could be right. Pad's gone that way.

He's slowing up. Get out!
What you doing?!

Oh, Christ. I've done
a bloody circle, haven't I? Right.

He's lost, I'm telling you.
I'm not getting involved in that.

Dark Forest...

Where's he going? I'm going to take
a right here. Oh, it is Dark Forest.

Drat!

Meanwhile, in the Dark Forest...

What's that? That's Rita. Worst name
for a ride ever, that. Rita.

The park had thrown up
a fiendishly tight handling test.

Oh, my God, where am I?

Harris's little Honda
is going to love it in here.

Ah, Flintoff. I'm after you.

The superior turning circle of the
Honda really paying dividends now.

Geez, that's tight.
Good job I've got the little Mini.

He's just so nimble!

Now nearly halfway through the park,

McGuinness was still
clinging on to the lead.

Rally stage, I like it.

But the twists and turns of the
Dark Forest had closed the pack

right up.

And now sprinting
down to the next zone...

Come on, come on, come on, come on!

..my more powerful mini was
dropping Harris's Honda...

No sign of them!

..and reeling in the Corsa.

There he is, it's McGuinness!

Oh, it's Flintoff!
Where's he going?

There's a right and a left,
which way are you going, Pad?

Round there. I'm going to go right!
Geez, it's a gamble.

Oh, I'm going to turn here. Left,
right, left, right.

Last decision, I'm going right.

Now I've got completely lost again.
What? Wicker Man.

Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa!

Whoa, whoa, left, right!
Get up here. Here we go.

This is definitely the wrong way.

Spin it round.

I've been left for dead
by a comedian and a cricketer!

Come on, Honda!

0-30, 2.8 seconds!
Getting all that valuable time back.

Just seen McGuinness,
there he is. Come on, come on.

There was now just one zone
left between us

and the finish line
at the exit of the park.

And charging towards the Nemesis
to look for the way out,

it was Flintoff that had the lead.

I do love a Mini.
180hp, 0-60, 7.3 seconds.

But feels so much faster.

It's so much fun!

Oh, my word, I might be converted.

Oh!

No!

Nemesis. Oh, there it goes! Go on,
the Nemesis. Right, which way?

This way.

Right, I'm going
to have to use this map. Nemesis.

Where's the Nemesis?

OK, come on, Harris.
Nemesis. Nemesis.

Nemesis is close to the exit.

Oh, there we go, that's where it
was hiding. I'm nearly out.

Why did I not read the map?

Am I going the right way?
I don't know. It's tight. Oh, exit.

Oh, here we go, the finish line!

McGuinness! Can I get past him?

I can't see anyone... Oh, no!

Come on, Pad!

No!

Shocking!

All right, Chris? Thank you.

Chris is gutted. Absolutely gutted.

Unbelievable. Unbelievable!

All right, Pad? Good effort.

How? Good effort, that, lads. How?
What do you mean?

How's that happened?

What?

What happened, did you get stuck
in a queue? Queues on the rides?

If we take him to a race track,
he crashes.

We bring him to a theme park,
he does well.

I tell you something, though.
Tell us, Pad.

There is no surprise in, as usual,
three series in,

racing driver, last. Last place.
Come on, then, Chris.

Again. Give us an excuse.

One excuse, come on.
What is it this time?

Hang on, "No, I'm not a racing
driver." That's his new one now.

"We're not on a track,
we're at a theme park."

What happened?
Well, I got lost a couple of times.

Well, so did we all. Yeah. Did you?
I went to dead ends and all sorts.

Did you? Yeah. Well,
you must have gone faster than me.

Yeah. I've got to say,

though, I do believe I've got
the best car out of the three.

Just not the quickest!

If you took the badges off... I...

Why has he got
dents all over his bonnet?

He has got a few
dints on his bonnet, hasn't he?

I've just sat on it.

I'm 17st!

It's made out of recycled stuff,
I think. I'm going.

See you later. Have a good one,
lads! That's the Covid kilos.

No, but fair play to both of you.

You've proved you're better at
driving round a theme park than me.

I mean, you must be so proud.

Fancy a go on Rita?

What's Rita? It's a ride.

How good was that? Amazing.

I tell you, theme park racing,
that's my kind of motorsport.

I've got to say,
I'm not sold on this Mini.

It was fun to drive, but for what
it is, just too expensive.

It's the same story with the Honda.

You can almost justify it
for the interior alone,

but for the money,
I was expecting a bit more.

That's why I like the Vauxhall,
because it's very honest.

What a lot of electric cars do,

they try and do something different
because it's electric.

Like the Mini. Look at it.

It's a Mini, but look at those
horrendous wheels they've put on it.

Oh, it's electric!
The Vauxhall's honest.

It's a Corsa and it's electric.

So if you want a Corsa
that's electric,

buy the Corsa that's electric.

Is that the best you've got?
Yes, it is. Deary me.

Overall, they haven't moved
the game on that much, have they?

That's the problem with being
an early adopter, you see,

it's a bit like buying
a flatscreen 20 years ago.

You knew that in two years' time

something would come along that was
twice as good and half the price.

Yeah, correct.
Now it's time to get back to

my game-changing
ice cream van, Mr Nippy.

It was a resounding success
in Blackpool, but after that, the

producers said to me, "Ice cream's
not the only fast food in town.

"If you think Mr Nippy's
the best in the mobile food

business, prepare for war."

So, that I did.

The producers had ordered me

and Mr Nippy to report to a mystery
location on Salisbury plain.

Where, they said, I would meet up
with the rest of my regiment.

What a beautiful part
of the world this is! Lovely stuff.

What have they got in store for us?

# There's somethin'
happenin' here

# But what it is... #

Don't you worry, Mr Nippy. After
Blackpool, we can survive anything!

# ..There's a man with
a gun over there... #

There's Chris Harris.

On his own, with no regiment.

# ..Stop, children,
what's that sound? #

You're getting there. It's smoother.
Where's the regiment? It's me.

You are the regiment?
I am the regiment.

Oh, dear. Come on, Pad.
What's that? It's a challenge.

You want to read it? "Welcome
to Last Van Standing." Get it?

"Ahead lies the town
of Hamburger Hill,

"controlled by an army
of hot food vans.

"Your mission is to seize
control of the town by eliminating

the competition."

Competition?

What is that?

This is Flintoff's selection of some
of Britain's finest hot food vans.

AKA the competition.

All right, lads?

What's going on? The regiment.

If you want Hamburger Hill,
you'll have to take it off this lot.

Don't fancy your chances, Pad?
Raptor.

Oh, yes, Chris. Look at this.
It's so smooth.

Look at the size of the bump stops.

Oh, God, what is he...?
What is he do...?

Excuse me? It's not quite the
American one,

but as a little brother,
it's brilliant.

Chris!
I'm just looking at the shocks.

Can you please stop being
so Chris Harris?

Get in Mr Nippy. That's the enemy.
You're on this team.

Get in. Paddy, this is hot food.
You're going to melt, Paddy.

Get in. You're going to melt!
Get in. Look at you! Get in.

But there's a Citroen H Van.

I've got to say, even though
you're with the enemy,

Fried of Britain - genius.

Oh, wait for the other ones, Paddy!

Yes, to earn its place in the
pantheon of mobile refreshment

vehicles, the producers were sending
Mr Nippy into a turf war.

In a giant paintball battle
played out across an abandoned

Ministry of Defence training ground,

we would have to fight Flintoff's
hot food army across three

different combat zones, aiming
to reach Hamburger Hill's main

square, where we'd raise
the flag for ice cream.

A simple enough mission, but the
rules of engagement were against us.

You see, if we took
three separate strikes...

..we'd lose a life.

And while Flintoff's vans
would have one life each...

we would have just three lives
to complete the whole mission.

Outnumbered, outgunned.

To get Mr Nippy through this lot,
we'd need to be on our A game.

Rear gunner Harris,
are you strapped in there?

You know, Pad?
Are we in the correct roles?

Because I'm a natural driver.

You were brought up
on the streets of Bolton. So...

..we're doing this
the wrong way round.

I've got to be honest,

I'm not brimming with confidence
with you being on the gun.

Whoa!

Nevertheless,
we'd reached the first combat zone.

Hamburger Hill's...

Prime mobile food vending territory,

currently controlled by Flintoff
in Beef Encounters.

The burger van.

OK, standing by.

Here we go. The tension builds.

Right. Let's talk Tic Tacs.
What do you reckon?

I think you line it up
and I'll shoot him.

Fantastic.

I don't know how to play it.
I've got to do it all.

I've got to press my button,
line them up.

Harris will be in the back
giving it that.

Going to get off to a good
start in the burger van.

Come on. Oh, I love the smell
of paintball in the morning.

Three, two, one...

Come on! Let's hunt down
a hot snack man!

Right, where is he? Where is he?

Where is he?

Just going to edge round
to see if I can spot them.

Are you seeing anything?

Where are they?

I'm going to go this way. Hey up,
there's smoke and all sorts here.

The trouble is,
I can't hear Mr Nippy.

He's full electric.

Oh, my word, where are they?

Chris, have a look here now, have a
look, have a look, have a look!

There he is, there he is!
There he is!

I'm hit, I'm hit!
Yes, yes! We got a hit on him!

Right, the chase is on.
Whoa, whoa!

A little more cat and mouse,
let's have a bit of this.

Right, going to hide round here.

When they come round that corner,
I'm going to pepper 'em.

I tell you what, I think Mr Nippy
would do a job in a war zone!

Oh, it's here!

He's messed up! Ha-ha!

We'll head him off from this way.

OK, just pull up here
and leave him square on.

Give us a bit of protection.
Here. There. Oi, you...

Have him!

I'm hit, I'm hit. I'm hit.
Good work, Chris!

Right, let's go for number three.

Come on, Nippy.

Here he comes.

He's here, he's here, I can see him.

I'm going to gun it, I'm going
to gun it. Have him, son!

Get out, get out!

Yeah!

We've done it! We've done it!
I can't high five you.

Oh, the gun got me in the knackers!

Good work, and you took one in the
knackers. Friendly fire, we're done.

So, one burger van well and truly
cooked, and the first zone was ours.

Plus, Harris's crushed nuts aside,
we'd made it through unscathed.

Next up was zone two.

Hamburger Hill's...

An area of rough ground patrolled
by that icon of the British lay-by,

Fried of Britain.

The mobile greasy spoon.

Towed by a fearsome off-road
specialist, the Ford Ranger Raptor.

Now I've upped my game. I've
got around 200 brake horsepower.

0-60, ten seconds.
I've got two guns.

I'm just going to
go for it this time.

Which, to be fair, was more of a
battle plan then we'd bothered with.

How tall are you, Private?

It's Full Metal Jacket. You've got
to answer me.

How tall are you, Private?
I don't know.

Just make something up. Give me
a height. Oh, five foot seven.

Hang on. How tall are you, Private?
Five foot seven.

Five foot seven? I didn't know
they stacked sh...

We're off! Here we go, round two,
get ready on the buttons.

I'm having a go here.
He's there already! What's he doing?

Come on. Bloody hell!

Here we go, got him. Oh, no, I think
he's got us! I think he got us then.

It was only a graze, but Mr Nippy
had taken his first strike.

Flintoff was going hit and run.

Let's go and hide.

And... it was working.

Where is he?

Terrain's good here for the Raptor,
look at this, eating it up.

Is he coming round?
Has he come round? Look at... Whoa!

I can see him! He's coming!
I can't see anything!

He's here! Oh, he's gone that way!

I think he just got us. What?

I got his wheel, I got him!
I've got his wheel!

Oh, nay! Two strikes on Mr Nippy.

One more,
and we'd lose our first life.

Time to change things up.

I'm going to get behind him.
I'm going to get behind him.

Where is he?

Here we go, get round.

I can see him!

Luckily, Ford isn't the only one
with a bit of off-road nous.

Here's Nippy!

Whoa!

Whoa, whoa, whoa!

Whoa!

McGuinness! We're on him.
I can't hold on! Get round.

Yeah! Stop, stop!

Yeah, ha-ha!

Once the Raptor had been
nicely softened up...

Right, have him! Do him!

..it was just a case of waiting for
Flintoff... Get him on the way out.

Get him on the way out!
..to do what he does best.

Oh, no, no, no, no!

Look at his trailer! Aarrgh!

And having kindly
ditched its firepower,

the Raptor was a sitting duck.

He's just going to pick me off.

Come on, then.

So, the greasy spoon was well
and truly licked.

And now, badly in need of some
more paint balls,

we called in a fresh ammo drop

and braced ourselves for Team Hot
Food's last line of defence.

The ethnically-sourced, gluten-free,
vegan-friendly Citroen H Van.

That's right.
Flintoff had gone artisan.

And with Mr Nippy now one strike
away from losing his first life,

it was time to take on
Hamburger Hill's post-apocalyptic...

..where the enemy had
called in reinforcements.

Whoa, what is that?

Oh, he's got us! No way!

He's sent out a sniper!

Yes, no farmers' market is complete
without a tuk-tuk coffee wagon.

And Flintoff's travelling barista
had cost Mr Nippy his first life.

That meant we'd have to start
the round again, now with just

two lives left, to try and conquer
this middle-class stronghold.

Right, I'm going
to gingerly go in...

Let me put some covering fire in.

I'm going to hide in here... and
when they see me, I'm popping out.

All guns blazing!

Hold on, let me have
a little look here.

I'm going to be more
aggressive on this one, Chris.

Here we go. Oh,
we're getting ambushed!

Boom, boom, boom!

We got him, we got him.

Quickly, quickly, get in that
corner. I'm on it, I'm on it!

Oh, no, no, he's coming
round in the mean machine!

That's it, draw him, draw him.

Right, where's Flintoff? There, he's
there! Go left, go left, go left!

Keep going, keep going,
keep on this side of him.

Have him, have him,
have him, have him!

Oh, he's got me, he's got me.

Yes!

Right, Chris, this is it now, pal.

Get back in that corner, one way!

Where is he? He's round here. Where?

Here we go. This is my chance.

We've got this, Pad, we've got this.

Oh, oh, oh!

You colossal...! I didn't
know his gun were on the front!

Mr Nippy was in trouble.

Yes, we got a few strikes
in on the artisan assault squad,

but we'd taken a beating doing it.

Now down to our last life,
before we made our final attack,

Team Ice Cream needed
a morale boost.

Before we get going,
I've had a little bit of a play
with the chimes.

Listen to this.

Ride of the Valkyries by Wagner

Oh, yes, Patrick!
Yes, Patrick! Now it's war!

Woohoo! Come on!

Can't find the gears.
He's there, he's there!

I can't find the gears.

Have him, Chris!

Right, let's get the tuk-tuk.

Come on, then, big boys. I can see
him, he's coming up now! You ready?

Go, go, go, go! Have it!

With the tuk-tuk taken down,
the tables had turned.

Where is he? Where is he,
the nipster?

We need one more shot, Chris.
Get in there!

Here we go.

Chase him down, Pad!
I am, I'm on him, son!

Here, now, have him!

No! Yeah!

I'm out.

We've done it!

We have done it! Good shooting,
Mr Harris!

We smashed that.

Oh, yes. Hamburger Hill was ours.

We have done it, Mr Nippy!

Now is our moment of glory.

And all we had to do now was
roll into the main square

and raise the flag for ice cream.

There it is, there. I see it! I see
the flag! What's that noise? What?

What's that noise?

Jesus Christ, he's in a tank! Where
is it? There. It's a massive tank.

Hide! Hide!

So, in a wickedly underhand move,

Flintoff had saved his biggest
hot treat till last.

The heavily armed and armoured
fish and chip tank.

Driven by the Stig's cousin, who was
recently kicked out of the TA.

Have Your Hake And Eat It!

Have a bit of that!
Have him, Harris! Have him!

Oh, he got me!

Get him, Chris!

Get round the corner. Get round
the corner, get round the corner!

I'm trying! Up against the firepower
of Flintoff's chippy...

Oh, he's got us!
Go on, have a bit of that.

..all we could do was run.

Left, left, left!
Get out of the way of him!

But, just when it looked like
he had us on the ropes...

I'm out of bullets!
I'm out of bullets!

..we discovered that the reason
Stig's cousin got

kicked out of the TA was
because of his tank-driving skills.

Oh! Oh, my word!

Yep, Team Hot Food
had had a shocker.

Yes! Come on, Mr Nippy!

And victory went to Team Ice Cream.

Mr Nippy!

What a vehicle. What a vehicle!

I tell you what, Paddy, I give you
this one. What a machine! Woo!

That's a decent ice cream van.
Well done.

Don't roll it!
I'm not rolling it! Woohoo!

McGuinness, stop!
I'm going to be sick!

Virtual high fives!

All hail Mr Nippy!

They say revenge is a dish best
served cold with sprinkles,

and they're absolutely right.

The ice cream van is mightier than
the tank. You are a terrible winner.

Thank you. Not a compliment,
but congratulations.

Because we know your head
is littered with bad ideas.

But I'll give you this one. Mr
Nippy, definite success. Thank you.

Genuinely I love Mr Nippy.
Your best invention to date.

The competition's not strong,
but fantastic. Not strong?

We've just taken on a tank!

Anyhow, this is a good way
to end the series,

because the three of us, for the
first time ever, are in agreement.

Mr Nippy is an engineering
sensation and I'm a genius.

Never said that. Never said that.
Never will. Let's move on.

No time to argue, boys,
because that's all for tonight,

- and for this series.
- Aww! I know.

Thank you so much for watching,
but we'll be back next year.

Good news, everyone,
we're all off for a screwball!

Goodnight!