Top Gear (2002–…): Season 28, Episode 5 - Episode #28.5 - full transcript

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Wow! Wow! Thank you.

Thank you, thank you,
thank you, thank you.

Hello and welcome to Top Gear.

Tonight on Top Gear,
we're going full Top Gear.

Three middle-aged men
driving sports cars.

It doesn't get more Top Gear
than that, folks.

If this show was an aftershave,
it'd be called...

..Top Gear.
LAUGHTER

Three men in sports cars.

Chris, that's right up your street.
It is.



LAUGHTER

Because, did you know,
it's exactly 100 years

since the phrase "sports car"
was first used.

I tell you what,
the information that's buried

in the depths of your brain
never ceases to amaze me, mate.

Thank you. Which got us thinking -

what's the best all-round sports car
you can buy right now,

a century later?

None of us could agree,

so the producers told us
to pick some cars

and settle the argument
with a road trip.

Man, that's so Top Gear.

The best sports car
you can buy right now?

Frankly, there's only one option.



ENGINE ROARS

The Porsche 911.
Yeah, it's a predictable choice.

But the 911 is just the answer
to the question,

"Which sports car should I buy?"

It has been forever.

Now, this is the new 992 Carrera S.

It has 450 horsepower,

and costs just under £100,000.

Which is an awful lot of money,

but then you do get
an awful lot of car.

0-60? 3.5 seconds.

Top speed? Over 190mph.

And this is the basic 911 recipe -

big engine, two-wheel drive,
away you go.

But if you feel the urge
to make a slightly worse decision,

other cars are available.

Ah. He's gone for the Aston.

Flintoff in an Aston.

He's a big lad -
he makes that car look small.

Chris. An Aston Martin, Fred. No.

An Aston Martin V8 Vantage,
the very best of British.

With a German engine. That doesn't
matter. Everybody loves an Aston.

Look at it!

How good does that look?

You're looking at that,
thinking, "I want to drive that."

You've got massive car envy.

Look, I'm a massive fan
of the Aston Martin V8 Vantage.

It's a great car, and I don't mind
the Mercedes engine thing.

But there's a whiff of Poundshop 007
about you in that.

Just a whiff. Unlike you,

just proving again
how predictable you are.

It's too obvious, Chris.

You are driving the ready salted
of cars.

Doesn't matter.
Ready salted works, Fred.

30 grand cheaper, just as fast,

all-round the best sports car
on the planet.

When you want ketchup,
there's one brand you buy.

Daddies. Anyhow, the third member
of this party -

what's he going to arrive in?

He'll be just as obvious as you.
HORN HONKS

Oh, my God.

Yep, right on cue. A red Ferrari.

McGuinness. Did you read the e-mail?

Buongiorno!

Welcome to the Ferrari Portofino.

I don't know where
to start with you, Paddy.

I don't know whether to attack
the car or the cap.

You were sent an e-mail, telling you
to turn up in a sports car.

You've arrived in
a convertible GT car.

Are you mad?
How much money did that cost?

Glad you asked, fratelli.

170 grand. Boom!

But it's not, is it, Paddy.

So how much is it, as tested,
with the triple-layer paint,

the fancy leather interior
and floor mats?

Well, yeah, with a few extras on,
you know, hey...

250 grand.

This is 100 grand.

250 grand to look like a wag?
CHRIS LAUGHS

What is wrong with you?

Well, yes, it might be
twice as much as your car,

but it's twice the car. It's not!

Let's start with
the new/old/no-one knows 911 -

they all look the same. Right?

400 brake horsepower. 450.

Fred's Jag on the end, sorry?
Whoa, whoa, whoa. Oh, it's an Aston.

It's an Aston. My-my mistake.
My mistake. No, Paddy...

500 brake horsepower. This bad boy?

600 brake horsepower, boys.

How much of it can you use
on a wet Yorkshire road?

Plenty!

This is the easiest one
I've ever been involved in.

Poundshop 007.

Lottery winner.

It's a red Ferrari. Let's go.
THEY BICKER

VOICEOVER: This wasn't going to be
settled in a hurry.

So it's just as well we'd been told
to head to a nearby airfield

to give our sports cars -
and the Portofino - a proper test.

And the roads to get there
weren't too shabby either.

ENGINE PURRS

Oh, here we go!

ENGINE GROWLS

This is a four-litre, V8,
twin-turbo, 500 brake horsepower.

And listen to that noise.
What is not to like about this car?

Yes, there is a lot of Mercedes
running through it

but, thanks to them,
it will do 0-60 in 3.5 seconds...

..has a top speed of 195...

..and it'll do all that
without breaking down.

It's British styling with
a bit of German engineering.

That's all right with me.

Plus, at 120 grand,
it's more exclusive than the 911,

but not as stupidly over-the-top
as the Portofino.

This is the car. This is the choice.

Paddy and Chris are not
having as much fun in theirs,

I can assure you.

Actually, we were.

Listen to her go!
ENGINE ROARS

You little Italian beauty!

So the Portofino's the replacement
for the Ferrari California,

and the California is a car that
I actually owned, and I loved it.

But I've got to tell you,
the Portofino...

Man, they've improved it no end.

Looks better,
drives better, faster.

In fact, this entry-level Ferrari
will very nearly hit 200mph.

That's F40 territory.

And, yes, you're always going to get
angry little men on the internet,

Chris Harris.

WHINY VOICE: "It's not
a proper Ferrari!"

Course it is, it's bright red

and it's got a Ferrari badge
on the front.

What's not proper about that?

Chris, how badly does Flintoff
want to be James Bond?

HE LAUGHS

It's funny you should mention that.

I'm not actually a James Bond fan.
I don't get it.

What?! Did you just say
you're not a James Bond fan?

I-I don't get it. He's like an old
bloke who can't do anything, really.

And effectively he's useless.

What are you on about,
"an old bloke"?!

He's not old! He's James Bond!

He's sophisticated, he's stylish,
he's dangerous!

What?! I can't believe
what I'm hearing!

HE CHUCKLES
Wow.

Next thing, you'll be saying
you don't like Star Wars.

HE LAUGHS

So go on, then, Paddy, talk us
through what you've got in there.

What is 80 grand's worth of options?
What does it get you?

Well, the carbon fibre exterior
package, that's 12 grand.

Get out!

Carbon fibre cup-holder -

1,400 quid.

Absolute rip off.

The mats are 768 quid.

700-odd quid?! I could carpet
my front room for less than that.

Is the whole purpose of that car
for you to try and bag a footballer?

HE LAUGHS

Put a bit of lippy on me
and call me Coleen Rooney.

I'm living the dream!

HE LAUGHS

Leaving the North York Moors behind,
we soon arrived at our destination -

Elvington Airfield.

One of the longest runways
in Britain.

Which, it turned out,
was already in use.

I tell you what,
there's some strange machines here.

A lot of metal, in't there?
A lot of metal.

A load of machines
that are built for speed,

and Paddy McGuinness
in a convertible Ferrari.

It's perfect.

This is something called
Top Speed Tuesday.

ENGINE ROARS

An event where anyone
can rock up in anything

and find out
just how fast it'll go.

Now, our challenge would be
a test of usable performance,

each running the event's
1.4 mile speed trap,

and trying to get
as close as possible

to our car's quoted top speed.

What's the top speed of yours?
191mph.

Slow. What's yours?

195. Oh, pedestrian.

What's yours?

199.

Yeah, but, I don't know why
you're so pleased with yourself,

because you've got
to go faster to win.

It's the top speed of your car.

He's got...
You've got a very good point.

It's about getting close
to the claimed maximum.

Anyhow, start us off. You're first.

He's the big racing driver,
here he goes. Yeah.

You reckon he'll get 191?

Well, Porsche, they're
notorious for leaving a bit off,

so I think he might get up there.

Right, we're ready to go.

I'll tell you what, shall
we have a gentlemen's wager?

I'll say...182.

All right.
What are you thinking?

183.

You've just gone 1mph more.
Well, you went in first, didn't you?

That's like when you say,
"Give us a ticket...!"

You might have just gone, "Higher."
Just go, "Higher!"

That's launch control.

ENGINE ROARS

Look at this.
He's travelling, he's travelling.

140.

Keep pulling, Porsche, 150!

It doesn't look that quick.
It doesn't look quick, does it?

Think of McGuinness in
that ridiculous... 160!

Where is he, where is he,
where is he?

Keep going, girl, keep going!

176! Ho-ho!

Ha-ha-ha-ha!

I can't wait for the excuses.
Oh, this will be it now. Well done.

Well done, Chris.

Oh! What an effort!

He's seen it - look at him!

I was going to say
put the handbrake on

but I think you've had it
on all the way down.

Was that your practice lap? 176?

What's wrong with that?

I've got a Discovery
at home that will do that.

I think that's a good effort.
You were nowhere near.

I could have forgiven
if you were about 182.

You're never going to each
the v-max in that space.

So, you got within 15mph.

In 1.4 miles. That...

That is damn impressive.

Well, we'd soon see,
because Flintoff was up next.

Just bring the mirrors in,
bit of aerodynamics.

Come on, every little helps.

And to beat the Porsche,
his Aston would have to hit 181mph.

ENGINE ROARS

Here we go.

We're off!

I reckon he's going to do 178.

One... 180.

Got to get faster than Harris!

Over 100, 20...

20... 30...

..40, come on!

Keep going, keep going.

70, seventy-s...

70...

Oh, it's a horror story!

It's a horror story
for the sportsman!

Don't let him know when he comes.

Let him see it. Oh, my lord!

Give it one of them when he comes
back up. What are you, 176?

I did 176.
That's shocking.

Here we go.

Just trying to gauge
the reaction from the lads.

Really good. Brilliant.

He's folded his mirrors in. What?

You folded your mirrors in!
I did, yeah.

You know that probably cost you
because they're designed to be out!

Come on, tell me.

174.69.

Really? Yeah. Slow.

So, you're more than 20 down.
Is that true? Yeah.

Do you know what?

I'm disappointed... Yeah.

..in the car.

I wasn't,

because it was time for the
so-called Grand Tourer to have a go.

And with the highest top speed
of the lot, to beat the 911,

the Portofino would have to hit 185.

Lock it in large.

What did you reckon, you reckon
he's going to do it? I'm going 186.

I reckon 184. Here we go.

ENGINE REVS

Oh, she's off.

She is off, the girl!

Come on, baby!

It does look quick. It's fast, it
is fast. Here he goes, look at this.

140.

Come on! Here we go!

Come on, don't beat me, McGuinness.

Oh, no! I took my foot off,
I misjudged the yellow cone!

No!

No!

188. He's done it.

God, here we go, he's going
to be insufferable.

Well, one slight
miscalculation by me.

I got the yellow cone wrong,
I lifted up and then I realised,

and I put it back down. What,
you lifted up and came back?

I lifted up and came back.
Want to know what you came back to?

Oh, God. Go on.

188.

He-hey! Ho-ho!

Tried to shake his hand but...

Bellissimo!

Ciao, baby! Ciao!

Hey, get us an espresso!

Get me an espresso and some of
that ice cream they put in it!

So, in a classic piece of automotive
journalism, the sports car test

had been won by the only car
that wasn't a sports car.

But to make sure our afternoon
wasn't entirely wasted,

we decided to each find the most
interesting top speed Tuesday

runner we could, and line them up
for one final showdown.

You all right, Fred? Yeah,
just getting my head round this.

That looks very, very dangerous.
What are you pointing at?

This looks dangerous, look at this.

Really bold choice, Nissan GTR.

He's on a skateboard with
a rocket on and I'm in a shed.

It is a bit sketchy, this.

Why are you wearing leathers?
Dangerous things, sheds.

Ah.

Ah! Oh-ho!

I'm about to drive a shed!

ENGINE REVS
Wow, here we go.

Three, two, one... Go!

Come on!

Fourth gear! Look at that rocket!

Yeah, they're in front,
but...I'm in a shed.

No idea how fast I'm going,
but I'm winning.

Oh, my word!

Harris has just melted past me!

It's unbelievable!

Where's McGuinness?
Nowhere to be seen!

I'm hurtling down
a drag strip in a shed.

Yes, baby.

Ha-ha-ha!

Come on, through the line.

Wow! Geez!

What's he doing?

I can't stop! Fred, stop!

Whoa, I'm running out of runway!

I'm running out of runway!

MACHINE CLATTERS
Oh!

Where's he gone,
Flintoff, in that rocket?

Is he...? What's he doing?

SIREN SOUNDS

That's not him down there,
surely to God.

SIRENS BLARE

I'm all right!
FREDDIE LAUGHS

THEY ALL LAUGH

Mate, I got you a slider.

I couldn't... I couldn't stop!

See, the trick is, Fred, when
it's black and then turns to green,

that's when you stop.

Yeah, but I was pulling the brake,
nothing was happening.

What is it with you
and trying to die?

Have you seen the lines?

Have you seen how far you've come?
Did I see?!

My head's that far off the ground!

I saw everything, Paddy!

APPLAUSE AND CHEERING

No, no, no. No! Fred...

Mad. Fred...

Firstly, there was
nothing to crash into -

how do you crash into...nothing?

I'll tell you, on this occasion
it wasn't my fault,

the brakes just didn't work.
Whoa, whoa, don't blame brakes,

you've never used
brakes in the past.

On this occasion, I was trying

because I was
running out of runway.

Look at the video, you don't
even go for the lever.

It's there, on video - lever, not
pulled. Excuse me, what's that?

LAUGHTER

Two levers...
two fingers on a motorcycle lever,

what's wrong with that?
Oh, right, OK.

I'm very glad it was you, not me,
on that bike sled thing,

it was a death trap, mate.
Yeah, on reflection,

I should have worn a cricket box,
because...

..there was a lot of apparatus
close to my apparatus. Dear God.

Let's move on.

We'll get back to that film
a little later in the show.

But first, Chris Harris
is an happy pup, everyone,

because he's got
an old rally car in the studio!

APPLAUSE AND CHEERING
Go on, son! That's right.

If you want mad race cars,
there's an easy fix.

Get rid of all the rules,
like this.

Look at it - royalty.

Audi's Group B rally car,
totally bonkers

because it was made for
a championship

where the regulations said,
pretty much, do whatever you want.

And now, Volkswagen has made

a rule-free race car
for the 21st century.

THUNDER CRACKS

It's called the IDR.

And while it might look like
a race car, the IDR doesn't exist to

compete in any championship
anywhere on the planet.

No, this is a race car
built without rules.

A race car unlimited.

So, if you've got a blank sheet
of paper, and your only aim is

to go really, really fast,
what do you do for power?

Have a listen to this.

ELECTRICS WHIR

PITCH OF WHIRRING INCREASES

That's right.

Volkswagen's no limit racing car...

..is electric.

Volkswagen's answer
to ultimate power...

ELECTRIC WHIRRING PLATEAUS
..is batteries.

So, let's see
what those batteries can do.

Oh, my dear Lord!

That's ludicrous.

0-60, two seconds.

0-120 in five seconds.

ELECTRIC MOTOR WHINES

Christ alive, it's fast!

And listen to it,

it sounds like the demon lovechild
of a Dyson Hoover and a...

ELECTRIC MOTOR WHINES
..flipping dentist's drill!

Honestly!

It's like being rear-ended
by a bloody freight train!

Or, to put it another way...

..that is a McLaren 720S.

Over 700 horsepower, pretty much

the fastest supercar
on the planet right now.

Remember that.

MCLAREN ENGINE ROARS

COUNTDOWN BEEPS

MOTOR GIVES HIGH-PITCHED WHINE
Whoa!

Oh, my Lord!

I've never felt anything like it!

ELECTRIC MOTOR WHINES

Whoa!

It did a front-wheel wheel spin!

There was smoke
coming out of those vents!

Wow!

It is a whole new division of fast.

In fact, this 670 horsepower IDR

accelerates faster than
a Formula 1 car.

But straight-line speed
is just the warm-up act...

..because the IDR's wings
and fins generate over

a tonne of downforce,
and with its electric motors also

providing four-wheel-drive, when you
get to a corner, the effect is...

..profound.

This thing grips so hard that test
drivers have blacked out driving it.

Oh!

And if you think
the thing accelerates hard,

you should feel the brake -
it will pull five Gs on the brakes.

ELECTRIC MOTOR PITCH DECREASES

Oh!

It makes your brain move around
inside your skull.

RADIO: Chris, you're low on battery.
Box, box, box, please.

Box, box.
Yeah, copy that, box, box.

Yeah, I should have mentioned,
that is the one issue with the IDR.

Already, I need to stop
and plug it in.

Driven hard, the IDR will manage
just 12 miles before needing a...

..let's be honest,
lengthy recharge.

But there's a very good reason
for that.

And that reason is Pikes Peak.

Every summer,
this legendary mountain

in the heart of the Colorado Rockies
plays host

to the greatest hill climb race
on the planet.

ELECTRIC MOTOR WHINES

The road to the summit
is 12 miles long,

and since the IDR was built to
get up there faster than any car

ever before, 12 miles of range
was all it needed.

And electric power would
give it the edge.

Like us, petrol engines breathe air.

And the summit of Pikes Peak
is at over 14,000ft.

There's not much air
at that altitude.

A regular internal combustion
engine can lose more than

a third of its power up there.

But an electric car, well,

that's just as powerful
at the top as it is at the bottom.

So, if you want to get really high,
electricity is what you need.

And it worked.

In 2018, in the hands of
race legend Romain Dumas,

the IDR obliterated the Pikes Peak
record by more than 16 seconds.

Job done!

Actually, job not quite done,
because Duma and the IDR

then went to the Nurburgring
and smashed the electric car lap

record, and then went to Goodwood
and beat the outright record

up the hill, beating
Nick Heidfeld in a Formula 1 car.

I mean, talk about
a record collection!

As is the way with lawless, one-off,

future-of-motorsport
prototypes, though,

this is the end of the road.

You can't buy it, you can't race it,

and these will be
my last 12 miles in it.

Which is just long enough to
try and bag one more lap record.

Here we go.

ELECTRIC MOTOR WHINES

TYRES RUMBLE ON KERB

Wow!

TYRES RUMBLE ON KERB

ELECTRIC MOTOR WHINES

Oh!

What a machine,
it's so direct and accurate!

BEEP

Wow!

I've never driven a car this fast.

No. Nothing comes close.

Nothing comes close.

RADIO: OK, Chris. That was 1.39.19

and box, box, please.

Ohh-ohh! We're out of battery.

And that, ultimately,

is the paradox of this car.

The IDR highlights what's possible
with electricity for speed,

but at the same time highlights
all the limitations of range.

And, yes, I know batteries are
becoming more efficient,

but it's still going to be
a long, long time before

you see something like this

racing in something like
a 24-hour event

unless you've got a very long
extension cable.

The IDR is a mind-bendingly
fast machine, and I love it,

it's amazing to drive...

..but the future of motorsport?

I'm not so sure.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

That is a machine!

Wow. Amazing.

Oh!

OK. That is the fastest car
I've ever driven bar none.

It spends most of its time trying to
pull the skin off your face.

It's that fast. Incredible thing. I
presume you did set the lap record?

Uh...fourth. Fourth-fastest lap.
No? Yeah.

But a bit more practice and
I reckon I'd have been in there

with the fastest lap. Yeah,
but the trouble is, you can't do

any more practice, cos you can
only do 12 miles on a charge.

So negative!
That's a six-mile round trip,

which is a bonus for me,

cos Vernon Kay lives seven miles
away from me,

so that's all right.
LAUGHTER

Now, we really wanted to see
how fast the IDR would go

round our track
in the hands of the Stig,

but it's just too cold
and wet out there,

so hopefully - hopefully -
in the summer. Fingers crossed.

Moving on. Now it's time to meet
tonight's guest,

who is YouTube legend KSI.

Here's what happened when we met him
out on our track earlier today.

Hello, JJ! Yo, what's up?

How are you? Lovely day for it.
You all right? Lovely day for it.

Welcome to Dunsfold,

and this is the Airbag Challenge.

Basically, we've got some goals,

we've got a ball, we've got
some steering wheels.

The object is,
you detonate the airbag

and you score as many
goals as possible.

OK. You're taking on Harris
or Flintoff.

Who would you like to go against?
Um... Let's go for Flintoff.

Get in there.
I take it you're in goal?

Correct!
Oh, my word. Look at this.

This is like summer to us
Lancashire lads.

Let's look at the equipment.
Where's me gloves?

Now, first things first.

Not all airbags are the same, OK?
Some have double charges,

some of them are old,
they're more violent,

so you've got to choose,
looking at the brand... OK.

..which one you think is going to
give you the biggest hit.

Hopefully, you'll be able to smash
it straight through...

What's he doing? Look at him. OK.
I think the guest should go first.

Don't you, Fred? Yeah.
JJ, choose your quarry.

The Mercedes. Go on, then.
OK, get in there.

I think this'll do.
You've just gone for style.

That's what you've gone for.

Whew! Whoa.

If it'll stay... There, perfect.
Now over to you, JJ.

All right. Enjoy!

Whoa!

OTHERS LAUGH

That was sick.

That was sick. What is that?

Jesus!

It's about to get faster.

Oh, God. I'm going big here, Paddy.

Go on! I'm going for a Volvo!

Oh, not the Volvo!

The safest car in the world!

CHRIS LAUGHS

Oh, no! This is going to put you
through the net!

Oh, my God! Wrong one!

Flipping 'eck! You've gone into
the ground with it, son.

You went into the ground.
I like it.

I feel like we're not
even against each other.

We're just against Paddy.

JJ LAUGHS
JJ, your go.

What do you think
about the Land Rover's?

I was eyeing that one up as well.
Go on.

What's that?

Land Rover! Oh, God!

That's got to be powerful!

I'd put the brolly down, Paddy.

Hang on,
this is where I'm going wrong.

I've got to do a bit of this,
haven't I? Have yourself big.

How are you feeling, Paddy?
Go on, take him. Take him.

I am all over this. OK.
Well, you know where it's going,

but can you save it?

Three, two...

Ohh!

THEY ALL CHEER

Come on, son!

Get that on YouTube, son!

Get in my back pocket, JJ!

Yeah! Hey?

Get me to the Staples Center.

Bang-bang-bang! Bang! Bang!

Ohh!

Going Jaguar, Paddy.

Oh.

It's regal, it's stately.

Just to recap, it's one-all,

JJ has used his second go,
all right?

So if you score this,
you have won the competition.

Three, two, one...

Ohh!

No, I had my hands on it!

Flipping 'eck.

That went mad.

I thought I'd got it over.

The result is that Flintoff won.

Oh, yeah. He did.

There's no winners in that game,
is there?

Let's be honest!

CHEERING

Please welcome YouTube sensation,
KSI!

CHEERING

Lovely stuff.

Ohh!

Wow.

That was a bit sketchy for me
in there, let me tell you.

That was very sketchy.

JJ, look, you're a YouTube megastar,

you've got a gazillion subscribers,

you're a musician, you're a boxer,

but it all started in your bedroom.

Explain how it all come about.

So, yeah, it kind of all started
with me just playing games -

FIFA, Call Of Duty... Oh?

I'm a COD man myself.
Oh, you like Call Of Duty?

Oh, yeah. Even the new one?

Well, I'm 46 now, but when it first
come out, I were all over it.

OK. Yeah. And, yeah,
I kind of just went from that,

did a few more things.

Just opportunities came
and things just popped up

and obviously with the internet,

it's just a million miles an hour
and it's always just progressing,

so I kind of just followed the tide.

The main reason you're here is to
talk about cars,

because you love cars, don't you?

Yeah. I mean,
I used to have a Lamborghini.

A very distinctive
Lamborghini Aventador.

We've got a picture somewhere. Yeah.

Ohh! Now, that is an eyeful.

Will you look back and think,
"I might have gone a bit too far"?

Yeah, yeah, definitely.
Like, look at it.

THEY LAUGH

You also wrote a song
about the Lamborghini, didn't you?

Let's just say, I was extremely
excited I got a Lamborghini

that I thought,
"I have to make a song about it."

How did it go?

I just shouted,
"Lamborghini, Lamborghini!"

We've got a little clip of it.
Let's have a look. Oh, God!

# And I keep on winning
like I'm Mr Charlie Sheen

# Lamborghini

# La-Lamborghini

# Bitch, I know you see me
in my Lamborghini

# La-Lamborghini
La-Lamborghini

# Ride so quick you would
think I'm Houdini. #

Oh, yes!

Wow. Yes! Wow.

That was just every line!

# Lamborghini!

PADDY AND FREDDIE:
# La-Lamborghini! #

I wrote one about my first car.

You had a Lamborghini?

# Red Escort! #

It's not the same.

When you're 21 and you can buy
a Lamborghini,

you can do what you want, mate.

Fair play. Thank you.

When did the music career properly
start taking off, though?

Um...when I released that track!

Really? It went from there?
Yeah. After that?!

Yeah, after that.

What are you trying to say?!

I recently released a song with
Rick Ross and Lil Baby. Wow.

Down Like That, so this was
my ring-walk song to my fight

against Logan Paul.

That fight was massive.

Yeah. I mean, literally,
it had more eyes on it

than AJ's last fight, really. Yeah.

I mean, were you surprised by
how many people came out to watch

and get behind it? Um...

Not really.

I like that. No!

No. I think it's because,
obviously, with the last fight,

it was so big
and it was so huge. Yeah.

We didn't have as much mainstream
press as we did with this one,

so I knew this one would be bigger

and, you know, just everywhere.

Was there proper aggro?
Was there proper needle? Come on?

Oh, yeah, no, I hate him. Yeah.

Literally, I hate
everything about him. Yeah.

So... A lot of people thought
we were friends behind the scenes,

and everything. No!

Fred's done a bit of...
You went pro?

Yeah. I don't bang on about it,
but I'm undefeated. Yeah, yeah.

I've seen you! Thank you.

I've seen you... I've seen you box.

It's interesting. Oh-oh! Ohh!

Love it!

Yeah. I'll take you, son.

There is something starting here.

So, got a little idea.

Let's have a punch-off.
Are you up for it, JJ?

Oh, I'm very up for it.
Punch-off! Come on, over here.

Come with me. Here we go.

All right.

Right.

So... JJ, I'm going
to talk you through the rules,

cos it's pretty technical, this.
JJ LAUGHS

Punch here. OK.

Off you go.

Oh, is that it? That's it.
Sounds good.

OK. All right.

PADDY CHUCKLES

A lot of pressure with this one.

Imagine that as Logan Paul's head.

Oh, mate!

All right.

Oh...

Oh!

Oh, OK. I'll take that. Oh!

Ohh!

Go on, big Fred!

Go on.

Go on, big Fred.

Go on! Ohh...

I'm not sure it was his best effort.
That was good.

Oh, it's...

CHEERING DROWNS SPEECH

We have our winner.

Ohh!

We have to fight now!

Oh!

Oh...

Right, JJ, time to
get down to the proper business -

the lap in our Reasonably Fast Car.

The weather out there is so bad.
Ridiculous.

How did it go?

It was, like, pouring.

Proper pouring,

as if God just hated me.

So, I mean, hopefully,
on the leaderboard,

you put "vw" instead of just "w"?

It'll be "monsoon", or something.

Having seen you punch,
I'll not argue with you!

All right.
Who wants to see JJ's lap?

Yes, come on.
AUDIENCE CHEERS

Let's have a look.

Yeah, it's monsoon conditions.

OK. This is it. This is it.

That is horrendous.
That's really wet.

Into the first corner, then.

Neat and tidy.

Good control. Bit of oversteer.

Did you put the lock on? Whoo!

All right, baby.

I think that's a good turn.

Yeah, OK.

Oh. Oh. Oh. We're into Chicago

but we've almost lost
where the white line is

because it's so wet you couldn't
see the white line. OK. I've...

Yeah.

And...brake...

Oh, it's so hard to see.

Now, the Hammerhead in these
conditions, you can't see a thing.

That's a good line, though.
That's a good line.

Tinie Tempah didn't have to
deal with this.

Right, now we're rolling through
the follow-through.

This is a good, clean lap.

I'm panicking, panicking.

Oh... Oh... BLEEP.

CHRIS GUFFAWS

OK. We're good, we're good.
This is fine.

Doesn't sound it.
I'm the fastest YouTuber doing this!

Now you've got to spot your turn
into second-to-last.

I mean, I'm the only YouTuber
that's done this!

Now, this bit's slippery.

The most difficult
part of the track. Now Gambon.

A little bit wide.

And over the line.

That is a good effort.
That's all right.

Jeez! The weather.

Very good. Good effort. Very good.

It was horrible.

That's...
That's tricky conditions.

Fair play for even
staying on the black stuff.

All things considered...

..where do you think you're going
to be on our board?

I really hope I've beaten Tinie.

Where's Tinie? He's just there...
Oh, 1.50.4. Yeah.

He's got a "wet" as well. Yeah.

I'm not sure how wet it was.
We might need new designations.

Are you saying "vw"?
I think "vw" for me, for sure.

Do you want to find out?

Oh, yeah. Oh... OK.

JJ LAUGHS

Ooh! Don't do that!

Ooh! Ooh! Ooh!

KSI... Uh-huh?

..I can tell you... Oh, gosh.

..you went round...
In two minutes!

No, it's starts with a 1.

Oh, wow. OK.

1...

..50... OK!

Wait. Oh, no.

There's no way, there's no way.
..3... Oh!

..point 9!

Oh, OK.

I'll take that.

It was proper wet. I'll take that.

But...you've got your "vw"!

VW! Very wet.

Give it up for KSI, everybody!

Oh, man. Thank you, guys.

Thank you.

Right, time to get back to
our Yorkshire road trip,

where us and our sports cars
were about to get company.

The second day with our
sports cars - and the Portofino -

and we'd been told to meet up at 9am
sharp on the outskirts of York

for a race.

And while waiting to find out

exactly what sort of race
it would be,

we came up with one of our own.

Three, two, one, go!

Oh.

Fast.

Lads, I don't think this is really
fair, cos I'm actually lying

in the back seat.

I don't know if I can
reach the wheel.

I might open my mouth
and get the teeth involved.

Oh, very fast.

Flintoff, you're not
even on the seat!

It's not going any further.
You're a cheat.

It doesn't go any further.
HORN BEEPS

It's done it!

This test is flawed.

Another win for the mighty
Portofino, then!

Oh, hello. Hello.

Thank you.

Uh...

Challenge. Yes!

"You will now drive 100 miles to
Cadwell Park racetrack..." Ooh!

"..where you will race to complete
as many laps as possible

"before the clock strikes 12." Oh!

"And to celebrate 100 years
of the sports car,

"you must navigate there
the old-fashioned way. No sat navs,

"just a map and a co-driver."

Makes sense.

It didn't, because while McGuinness
had been given racing driver

Sabine Schmitz...

Hi. Sabine! How are you?

..and Harris had been given
racing driver Damon Hill...

Ahh! Right... Well, I think
they call that a dream team!

..I had been landed with
racing driver...the Stig.

You're the co-driver, mate.

No...

He's going to struggle there.

You're in there.

I'm driving.

So, leaving Flintoff
to sort that out...

..we got a head start.

We're off.

He's gone already. Shall we go?

Oh, he's gone as well.

Do you want to...

..open the map, please?

Now, Cadwell Park racetrack was
about 100 miles to the south,

in Lincolnshire,

and with the winner of our little
race being the car to complete

the most laps of the circuit
by midday,

choosing the fastest route
to get there

would be a big piece of
the puzzle.

Where are we going?
Follow the signs to 1079. OK.

Then we're going round
the outskirts of York.

We want to go to the right,
don't we?

Are you sure about this?
Yeah, we go left. Yeah, OK.

There we go, there we go.
There we go.

1079, Hull. Never in doubt, Damon,
never in doubt.

I've still got it.

Worryingly, Hill had
brought his game face,

and over in my car,

it turned out that Sabine WAS
used to reading maps...

A1237? Yeah!

..she just wasn't used to
reading them in a car.

I make it like in the helicopter.

I twist the car...

..so we are coming here.

So we go that way.

You're doing it like
we're in a helicopter? Yeah.

Right, OK.

Still, at least
my co-driver was talking.

Come on, give me something.

Stig, I've got no idea where to go.

I don't care if you don't speak,

just direct me to Cadwell Park.

Suffice to say, Team 911 had had
the best possible start...

We're flying along.
We really are.

..because with Flintoff still
working on HIS communication...

..and McGuinness and Schmitz
still working on theirs...

Straight on, do you think?
Uh...

I have no idea!

..I was busy benefitting from
Damon's legendary F1 mind-set.

So, when leading a race,

and they put out the
ten-laps-to-go board,

you get anxious, so I used to add
another ten laps on the race.

Ah! So I put that out my mind -
it's not actually ten laps to go,

it's 20... So, figuratively,

you think we're driving to
Silverstone right now,

so that when we get to
Cadwell...

Cadwell is not the end of our
journey. It's just a way point.

And for very different reasons,

Cadwell didn't look like it would be
the end of our journey either.

Can you see Thirsk on there?

We're 20 miles away from Thirsk.

There's nothing on my map!

Nothing on...

That's the bloody hotel
we've just come out of! What?!

You've drove us all the way back to
where we started!

SHE SHRIEKS

Oh, my God!

Yep,
a good 20-odd minutes into the race

and we just re-crossed
the start line.

How is that even possible?!

And since the other two were
heading cross country,

our only hope of catching up now

was to try to find the motorway,

a bit further round but, hopefully,

a bit quicker too.

Over in the Aston, meanwhile,

Flintoff was trying
a new approach of tone.

You know what, Stig?

Everyone thinks,
"Oh, he's a sportsman,

"a competitor, he wins things."

I don't win anything.

I keep getting beat
by Paddy McGuinness.

You know how hard that is?

I've got to stand there
and look as if I'm not bothered.

"Oh, yeah, brilliant."
No, Stig, it hurts.

I've got feelings too.

I'm not made of wood.

If you cut me, I bleed.

And then things got even weirder.

Do you want to talk?

We're in the trust tree here.

This is the trust car.

The Aston Martin
is a safe place for us.

I've seen what they've done to you
over the years,

and I'm sure it's taken its toll.
You know?

# Hello darkness, my old friend

# I've come to talk with you
again... #

I've been through the same things.

# ..Because a vision softly creeping

# Left its seeds
while I was sleeping... #

Please, can you just help me?
Just help me.

That's all I'm after.

INDICATOR CLICKS

Thank you.

Thank you very much.

Breakthrough!

The Aston was getting
back in the game

and it was time to start
reeling in Harris,

who'd just reached the Humber Bridge

and was getting overenthusiastic!

Shall we try launch control
away from here?

I think you...
If you feel you...

Hello. Thank you.

..you want to do that. I might give
you a bit of launch control, Damon.

OK. Um... No!

Meanwhile, over in the Portofino...

Hold on to your Schnitzels!

Here we go! Agh!

HE CHUCKLES

We'd hit the motorway,

and we were now making
proper progress.

We are on it! Ohh!

Ah! This is good!

And a little way up the road,

Harris was talking Team 911
into a very bad decision.

We might need a full tank
if we're going to go flat out

on the track. I'm worried.
Services in half a mile.

How long are we going to go for?
We'll be going for quite a while.

I think we'll do most of a tank.

M18 south there.

That's us! Ja!

Yay-hey-hey!

We are on it!

You're going to do the last stint,
so jump in, get ready to go,

get your driving position
sorted out.

Right, come on.

Are you ready to go? We've got to
literally go the moment...

I think we're waiting for you.

So an hour-and-a-half to go
until midday,

and with Paddy and Sabine making
rapid progress on the motorway,

Harris and Hill's fuel stop was
costing them time.

Cadwell Park was now less
than 40 miles away

and we weren't far behind.

Here we go, the Humber Bridge.
Look at this. Look out the windows.

What a view!

What a piece of engineering this is.

This is a treat, innit?

Better still,

back on the road in the Porsche,

Harris had taken over the map.

It's a right, right, right.

Not here. Not here?

No. I don't think that's...

Oh, bloody hell.
That was it, I think.

It was... Yeah, that was it.
That was it. Down here, U-turn.

U-turn? I was expecting a roundabout

and it wasn't. It was a right,
right, right. Seriously?

With Hill's opinion of Harris
dropping like a stone,

the race was on.

Welcome to Lincolnshire.

We're doing all right. We're doing
all right, aren't we, Stig?

Humberside! Oh, Sabine,
you're on it now.

You're good.
I learned to read this BLEEP.

If we lose this race
by a matter of seconds,

who will you blame?

ENGINE ROARS

Damon!

Oh, it's so tense.

But despite my iffy directions,
Team 911 was about to hit...

..Cadwell Park.

Yes! There's no way
they've beaten us here.

No way.

Nicknamed the mini-Nurburgring,

this is one of the finest, most
challenging racetracks in Britain.

A 2.2-mile tarmac roller-coaster
that'll stretch any sports car

and its driver
to their absolute limit.

And with just under half an hour
to go till midday,

it was time to start
putting in some laps.

Do your strap up.

I'm doing it up.

Wow. Look at this.

I'm with Damon.

Silky smooth.

We're on it.

Where are we going now?

I think now it's probably time
for the big boys to take over.

You're a lovely chap,
and everything,

don't take it the wrong way, but...

Thank God he's gone.

Damon's taken over.

Ha-ha-ha!

So Harris and Hill
were up and running.

I haven't lost a bit of it.

But then, hot on their heels,

we reached the track.

There's a second engine sound.

And Stig had one more direction
to give.

Oh, you're on this, aren't you?

Here he comes. Who's driving?

Good God, Lurch is driving.

You're in, Stig.

Woohoo!

So, hold on a minute.

See you later. What...?
We're going out there, Chris.

I thought you were a man of pride!
I thought you had some pride!

You got Damon Hill!
He's better than you! See you!

I'd say that was
a confident pit exit.

Let's chase that Porsche down.

Now the race was on.

Ohh...

Oops. Too much kerb.

Steady on, Hill.

Go on, Damon.

He's on it as well.

Oh! Oh, sideways.

TYRES SCREECH

Hill and Stig were pushing hard.

Go on, Damon.

FREDDIE CHUCKLES

But while the fight between the
sports cars was well under way

on track,
unfortunately for McGuinness,

the grand tourer was still...

..grand touring.

Do you think we've gone past it?
Uh...

I can't see anything racetrack-y.

No.

I could.

Go on, Stig, give it some stick!

Come on, the Stig!

And with the laps piling on...

Getting a bit slippery now.

Tyres going off.

..it looked like Damon
might be slowing down.

Bit of understeer there.

Right, let's see
if Chris can do better than that.

He'll be hard pushed to improve
on Hill.

Oi, Damon!

An unscheduled pit stop.

I think I've left some
tyres for you!

Thank you.

Don't beat my lap time.

I've just seen Damon Hill
is out of the car.

Catch Flintoff!

Porsche has got
a performance advantage.

I think it's a quicker car.

Pedal's a bit long.

The laps were now also taking
their toll on the Aston, though.

There's a Porsche behind us, Stig.

And lugging the weight
of an extra passenger

suddenly felt like a bad idea.

Harris is catching!
We're hauling him in!

Whatever the outcome,

this was shaping up to be one
hell of a test of our sports cars.

And as for the Portofino...

FANFARE PLAYS

Ohh!

Hey-up, what's that? Wey-ey!

THEY CHEER

Here we go! Woo!

Well,
it was never a sports car anyway!

Oh, they're already going round,
Sabine.

They're already going round.

Hello, sir. Hello.
You'll be needing these.

There you are, one for you.
Thank you. Thank you.

That's a gutter, Sabine.

So do we swap?

It's pointless now.

Pointless. I don't think we can...
How much time do we have left?

I think... Well, I think...

It's 11.50. Ohhh!

No, no, it doesn't make sense.
We've no chance.

What we'll do now,
we'll just enjoy the whole

Portofino experience.

Shall we have the roof off?

Bit of sunshine?

SHE GASPS

It's the Stig.

Ohh! Catch them! Grazie.

Adios. Grazie.
Ciao bello! Ciao bello!

Come on, then.

INDICATOR CLICKS

Let's have a go.

What's he doing? Really?

Didn't let me overtake him.

What a selfish swine.

So, seven minutes to go.

And with the Portofino
on track at last...

Just having a relaxing drive,
Sabine!

..and Flintoff
now in the driver's seat...

Here we go, go, go, go!

He's not impressed, is he?

..all we could do was
keep on lapping

until the clock hit 12.00.

THEY EXCLAIM

Oh, mamma mia!

Come on, McGuinness!

They've lost their way on the route
to Lake Como, haven't they?

Feel free to offer any advice, Stig.

Oh, too quick!

SHE SHRIEKS

Oh, we got it!

Chequered flag,
chequered flag, Stig.

I wonder if McGuinness will be
gracious in defeat.

Yes, baby.

Ohhh!

Here we go! Here we go!

What a circuit this is.

Isn't it just fantastic?

Come on. Beautiful.

Best news of the day by far, though,
I've got a new friend

and he's called the Stig. Ha-ha!

APPLAUSE AND CHEERING

I tell you summat, though,
actually, forget all the cars,

forget the cars, forget the racing,

it was lovely to see
the Stig's softer side.

I'll tell you what, he just needs
a bit of TLC, like everyone else,

to open up. Absolutely.

We're off next week.
West End, me and t'Stig, Evita.

LAUGHTER

So now we need to find out
the results of the race.

Who did the most laps?

You don't even need the card, mate.
It's obvious that I won.

Me and Damon, we got to the track
first, banged out a load of laps,

didn't get overtaken,
therefore...I win.

To be honest, I was going to try and
drag it out a little bit, you know?

TV show, Chris. Right, OK, OK.

All right, Chris.

20 laps.

Well done. Well done.

German engineering.
Yeah, it was good.

Yep.

Freddie. 17 laps. I'll have that!

And Paddy...
Oh, it's ran out of ink.

Yeah, ha-ha!

Five laps. Oh!

All right.

All right, all right.

Five laps!
Whatever. Whatever.

Right, but listen, we need to sort
out who had the best sports car.

I did. Now, Chris.

You won at Cadwell.
You did the most laps.

My Ferrari absolutely stormed it
on the speed test.

Your Aston, well,
that's a lovely colour. Erm...

Best way to do this,
let the audience decide.

OK, all right, then.

First up, who thinks the Porsche?

CHEER

No.

Not good, that, Chris.

That's all the noise in this room.

What about the beautiful Ferrari,
everybody?

SLIGHTLY LOUDER CHEER

Yes, yes!

And who would have the beautiful,

BRITISH Aston?

SUSTAINED CHEERING

Boom! Thank you.

Thank you!

He used the British thing there,
but, yeah...

But the audience has chosen -
wrongly - the Aston.

But what would you choose?

Oi! Lurch!
What would you choose?

To be honest, the Porsche.
LAUGHTER

And you? I think I'd choose
the Porsche as well!

Anyhow, that's all for tonight.

We'll see you next week
when we find out

which is the fastest
emergency service

and I drive the BMW M8.

See you then. Goodnight!

CHEERING