Top Gear (2002–…): Season 28, Episode 2 - Episode #28.2 - full transcript


Thank you! Thank you.

Thank you. Thank you.

Thank you. Thank you.

Hello and welcome to Top Gear,
where, tonight,

a new name will be added to
a list of motoring innovators.

Henry Ford, Elon Musk and now...

..Patrick McGuinness.


Thank you, madam.


Yes, tonight,
I create a revolutionary new car.

An absolute shambles.
Absolute genius, more like.

That's coming up later,

but first,
Chris Harris has a question.

I do.

Think about machines
built for ultimate performance -

F1 cars, superbikes, fighter jets.

What do they all have in common?

Flintoff's crashed 'em all?

Unfair. I haven't crashed a jet.

Not yet, you've not.
That's not the answer, by the way.

They all put
the driver in the middle,

because that's the best
place to be for balance

and weight distribution -
basically everything.

So why does your average supercar
insist on shoving the driver

over on one side?

It doesn't make any sense.

McLaren clearly agree.

Have a look at this.


The Speedtail.

Costing more than £2 million...

..and measuring over five metres
from nose to pointy rear end.

This is a road-going Art Deco

..that puts the driver
front and centre.


It's a three-seater -

driver in the middle,

one passenger sat
back on either side.

How sci-fi is that?

Now, it does raise one issue.

How do you get in
and maintain dignity?

So it is bum first or head first?

I'm going to shuffle across.

Oh, look at that.

Get comfy.

Now, because there are seats where
you'd normally have

switches and controls,

everything is up on these three
screens here on the dashboard,

and if you want to start it,

you press a button up here.



Sitting in the middle of the car

just feels so special.

It's a feeling that's hard
to describe

but it's instantly gratifying.

You know what?
It feels instantly right.

It feels like a McLaren F1.

The car that, back in the '90s,

rewrote pretty much every
speed record of its day.

The car that is still considered
to be one of the all-time greats.

Now, if you're going to invoke
the spirit of the McLaren F1,

you'd better have
the performance to back it up.

And Speedtail does.

This thing has over 1,000 horsepower

and nearly 850 foot-pounds
of torque.

It is the fastest McLaren ever.

In fact, it's the fastest
British car ever made.

Which, let's be honest,

is a point that really needs

This thing is outrageous.

Watch this.



Oh, there we go.

At 100mph, it just gets going.

I'm now up to 186.

I'm at 200 there.

Now I'm clocking along.

That's 230.

And that's the end of the runway!


Give it enough room
and it will top out at 250mph.

And the Speedtail can get
from 0 to 200mph in 14 seconds.

That's the kind of speed that
a really fast saloon car takes

to do from 0 to 100mph.

That is crazy speed.

And the only thing you can do
when you've experienced that... head back and do it again.

The Speedtail is a car
built for one purpose -

ultimate straight-line speed.

That is a weapon.

That is a proper weapon.

And to create it,

McLaren has pushed the boundaries
of road-car aerodynamics.

Every inch of the Speedtail's
streamliner bodywork

has been designed to slice
through the air

with brutal efficiency,

starting with these clever
wheel covers

that smooth the airflow all
the way down the side of the car.

You'll notice it's missing
a normal object -

that's a wing mirror here.

They've gone. Instead, we've got
cameras that pop out from the doors.

How cool is that?

But even cooler is back here.
This is my favourite bit.

Instead of having ugly spoilers,

the Speedtail has...bendy bits.

The bodywork moves according
to air pressure

and with a little help
from the gearbox as well.

Look at that.

No creases, no turbulence...

No idea how far I can
bend that before I break it.

But you get the gist.
And look at it.

You end up with a simple,

clean, beautiful shape.

I think it's wonderful.

And while McLaren has done
a thoroughly 21st-century job

in the aero department...

..the way the Speedtail
generates its 1,000 horsepower

is just as modern.

It makes 750 horsepower from
a twin-turbo-charged 4-litre V8

behind me, and the rest
is from electricity.

So it's a hybrid.

That's right. It's green...ish.

In the handling department,
though, the Speedtail

is pleasingly old school,

because while a lot of today's
hybrid cars have embraced stable,

predictable four-wheel drive,

the Speedtail throws everything
to the rear wheels only,

and that means
when you turn the ESC off,

things can get a little bit lively.

1,000-horsepower drifts!

I'm there all day!


Seems brilliant to me.

Really great steering.

Good compromise between
ride and grip and handling.

McLaren, they just do
chassis so well.

But phenomenally fast
and remarkably agile though it is,

there might be a problem with
the Speedtail -

that top speed.

Because in a world where a modified
Bugatti Chiron recently

hit 300mph,

250 isn't exactly game-changing.

But, honestly,
anything over 250 is bonkers,

and there's not many places you can
go faster than that.

So it's not about how
quickly you can go.

It's how quickly you get to
going quick.

If you know what I mean!

And this is where the Speedtail
reigns supreme...

..firing you up the road faster
than anything else out there.

Oh, this is the acceleration king,
this thing.

0 to 186mph in 12.8 seconds.

Bugatti Chiron - 13.6.

Great Britain 1,

German/French border area 0.

This is the new benchmark for fast.

And this new benchmark for fast

gave me and my colleague
Paddy an idea.

Oh, yes. Now, back in 2007,
on this very programme,

you may remember Richard Hammond
raced a very fast car

against an RAF fighter jet.

That fast car was a Bugatti Veyron.

And it lost.

But, as you can see,
things have moved on

in the last 13 years, so I thought
it was time for a rematch.

So I rang up the RAF. I said,

"Guess what? We've got a new toy.
Fancy a rematch?"

And they said, "We'd love a rematch.

"And guess what?
We've got a new toy, as well."




I think we've bitten off more than
we can chew!


This is the F-35B Lightning.

It's known as a fifth-generation
multi-role aircraft

with stealth capability.

But with a top speed of 1,200mph,

an operational ceiling of 50,000ft,

and the ability to land
vertically onto the deck

of an aircraft-carrier... put it more simply,

this is the most sophisticated
fighter jet

the world has ever seen.

Whoa, whoa. Can't...
We can't go past that line.

That's 100-million-quid's-worth
of kit.

They don't want us near it.
We can't get closer than this to it?

No. £100 million. How much is that?
2 million quid. Yeah.

Chicken feed.
What speed's yours, top end?

250. Yeah. That's about
1,200mph, that one.

I thought you were supposed to
be a fan of the car.

You're on the side of the car.
You present a car show!

I'm just... I'm refereeing.

You know, I'm stand-off
from both of them.

Doesn't sound like it to me.
Sounds like you're in the court

of the plane to me.
In the game of Top Trumps,

with that jet and this car,

at the minute, this car's
not doing that well.

But I've got every faith
in it round the track.

Are we ready for this, Goose, man?

Paddy, we agreed - no Top Gun.

Don't call me... I'm Maverick.
I'm now known as Maverick.

Why are you Maverick?

Maverick's the cool one.

So, now that we'd
met the competition,

next, the referee wanted to
go over the rules of the race.

pretty straightforward, this.

We're going to make our way
down this straight here,

through the orange markers,

all the way down there,

and do a left.

Then you're going to do a left.

Down here.

Another left.

Along the straight
to the finishing line.

First to cross the finish line wins.

Any questions?


The jet can't quite exactly do that,

so what I'm going to do is,

I'm going to be at 250ft,

400mph at this turn,

put the bank on. It'll be a limiter
pull to get to 35 alpha

to minimise the radius of the turn

to then parallel with the runway.

We'll roll out level,

I'll continue down,

then there'll be another left turn,

again 7G, 400mph,

limiter pull round the corner
to roll out.

We'll continue up.

I'm not going to make this left turn
here - it's too tight.

I'm going to continue off.

Again, 250ft, this
time at 500mph to enter this turn.

7G, sustained,

to then bleed down 35 alpha,

so you can see the jet skidding
round the corner,

to then roll wings level.
100ft, 550mph finish,

with the car down here.

I'll just pop that down.

Hang on a second.

Who's that?

The pilot.

He looks about 18.

They start them young now.

Right, OK.

All OK? Yeah? All right.

Let's turn and burn, lads.

Do you know what that is?

A coffee cup. Correct.

Let's get out of here!

Let's do it! Wings up!


With the engineers now poring over
every detail of their machines

before the race,

suffice to say both teams were
taking things seriously.

And with final checks complete... was time... take to the track.

That's fairly intimidating.

Number one, confirm clear
to take off.


What a piece of kit.

F-35 versus Speedtail.

It's the coolest thing
I've ever done.

Look at the thing.

It just looks like an engine with a
person strapped to the front of it.

Christopher, are you ready?

As I'll ever be.


Here we go, then.

Ready, steady, go.

I'm off!

Really good, quick start by Harris.

He's well in front, the lad.

120! 130!

Where's the jet?

Where's the jet?

Oh, my Lord!


OK. Corner one!

Floor it!


Come on, Mr McLaren.
Come on, Mr McLaren!

Come on! He's already banked round.

I don't stand a chance -
he's already there!

Turn two. Plane's just ahead.

Just by a nose. Just by a nose.

Where is he? He's over there,
he's over there, he's over there!

Come on, the car!

OK. Here we go. Last corner.

Oh, he's ahead!

Harris is ahead!

Plane's got to do the big loop here.

This is where we'll get our time.

Where is he? Where is he?

I can see the F-35! Go!

Gun it, son!

Gun it!


And over the line.

COMMS: 101 complete.

That is one of the coolest
pieces of engineering

I've ever seen.
If I'm going to lose to anyone,

I'm going to lose to that.


There he is - McGuinness.

I'm sorry. I'm sorry.

I'm sorry. Listen,

there's nothing to be sorry about,
is there?

Because, at the end of the day,

it's 100-million-quid's-worth
of kit, that.

And I'm gutted.
Dude, he absolutely spanked me.

For the second time running,

Top Gear has been done by Top Gun.

And what's mad is,

the lad flying that is now off to
do a paper round.


Wowser. Wow.


All right, I admit it.

That was properly impressive
but, having said that,

you did set out to prove that the
car is mightier than the plane.

Hmm. lost.

Yeah. Well, hang on a minute, Fred.

That jet was
100 million quid, right?

This is only 2 million.

Only 2 million? Bargain!
It's a bargain.

An absolute bargain.
I don't like losing.

If I'm going to lose,

I'll do it to
something like an F-35.

It's the most stunning
piece of engineering

and, furthermore,
a big thank-you to the RAF,

who are here behind us. The RAF!

No disgrace in losing to them.

None whatsoever.

And as well, folks,

the actual pilot, AK,
is in the room!

There he is, there's AK!
Give it up for AK!


Unfortunately, AK can't remain
for the rest of the show

because he's got
school in the morning.

Thank you very much!
Thank you very much.

Right, boys, over you come.

The new Defender.
What are you thinking? Butch!

I think it looks all right.
All right, yeah, yeah.

It looks like a little
condensed-down Discovery.

It's the best car they've made
in the last 20 years. Absolutely.

Well, it's not quite
ready for Top Gear testing yet -

we'll do that next series -
but straight off the bat,

I've spotted a problem.

Loaded up with options,
the new Defender - 70 grand.

70 grand for a Defender?

Yeah. Tell you,
the world's gone mad.

Absolutely bonkers.

So I reckoned that left
a gap in the market

for a proper go-anywhere

that's not only comfy...but cheap.

Which gave me an idea.

Oh, God!

To show Harris and Flintoff
what the future of affordable

four-by-fours looks like...

..I've been told to meet them
at Millbrook Proving Ground

in Bedfordshire.

Why are we here, Chris?

This is Millbrook, Fred, right?

So Millbrook is a torture
chamber for cars.

When a car company wants to test
a car for destruction

before it builds it - it comes here.

So that's what Paddy's doing? Yes.

I don't think it bodes too
well for him, does it? No.

# Bonkers... #

I can hear it.


Is it a road-sweeper?




This is me no-nonsense,
cost-effective answer

to the new Land Rover Defender.

I give you the Dirty Rascal.

What I've done, I've took
the no-nonsense practicality

of a Bedford Rascal van... Yeah.

..and cross-pollinated it onto
a proper four-by-four

with a big torque-y diesel engine.

What is the four-by-four
in the engine, though?

A Daihatsu. Right. Right. Right!

First of all, I mean,
it looks pretty proper, doesn't it?

I like a monster-truck look!

Don't you think, though,
it looks a bit Ocado?

What do you mean? Delivery man that
comes round with your shopping.

That's a Lamborghini green, that.

Get round here.




Now then, you see, what happens with
a lot of these, like,

Land Rovers or luxury
four-by-four manufacturers,

they give you a bit of shiny wood,

a bit of leather, stick your brolly
in the boot - luxury.

That's not luxury.
This is proper luxury, lads.

There you are.

Oh, now that... Boom!


Now THAT is classy.

Can I get in? Luxury.

Course you can.

Whoa, whoa, whoa.

Excuse me, gentlemen.
Take your shoes off.

There you are. PMcG?

I've not got any child sizes,

but you should be OK with them.

Now, as you'd expect from
a McGuinness masterpiece,

the Dirty Rascal has been fitted
with everything you need

to soak up the glorious
British countryside

in total comfort.

Why is there shower gel?

Because...flick that.

Flick that. Lift it up. That. Yeah.

Oh, yes, Paddy. Ho-ho-ho-ho!

You've got a bit dirty off-roading -

get yourself in the shower, lads!

Hey? Lovely!

Monsoon, that!

It's not a shower, it's a
monsoon shower. A monsoon shower.

Hand-sanitiser. Hand-sanitiser.

That's very off-road.

When you're out lambing, or whatever
it is these country folk do...

Lambing? I've seen people
put their arms in livestock.

That's what that's for.

Now, have a look
at some of the stuff on there.

You've got tea, coffee... Vimto.

Oxtail soup. Hot Vimto.

Eh? More importantly, gravy.

Paddy, this is pretty comprehensive.

You're like the Pope!

Sat in the Pope-mobile.
Big windows... It is very holy!

How do these work? Toffees.

You just turn that
and out they come.

Pink shrimp, white mice,

fruit salads, black jacks,

cola cubes. What more do you want?

OK. How much, then,
for the whole thing?

A grand for the Bedford Racal.
Yeah. Right?

A couple of grand for the Daihatsu.

A few odds and sods.

Seven grand all in!

That is what's known
as an absolute bargain.

Oh! Oh! There she goes.

She's lively.

And as the Dirty Rascal certainly
looks like

an affordable four-by-four,

the next question was,

does it go like one?

To find out, we headed off to
explore all 100 of its horsepower

on Millbrook's fearsome test tracks.

Right, then. Let's open the taps.

Ohh! Don't get carried away,

This feels absolutely lethal.

The trouble is,
cos she's quite high,

I've got to be a bit
careful on the bends.

Would you just calm down, Paddy?

Go on! Go on, girl!

It sounds like you've got
a hairdryer stuck to the engine.

It smells like one as well.

Smells terrible.

That'll be the Lynx.


Is that better?

A couple of things, observations.

The Defender is an icon.

It's an iconic shape.

And what you've done is taken
another iconic shape

and celebrated it. I love that.

Second of all,
we are very near to Bedford,

the home and birthplace
of the Rascal. Yes!

This is like driving a Ferrari
in Maranello. Exactly.

I'm telling you now,
this a beauty.

Don't look.



With the lads clearly loving
the Rascal on tarmac,

next it was time to show what it
could do on Millbrook's

off-road test track...

..where the producers had
a little surprise for us...

Hang on a minute!

..two other cheap four-by-fours
already on sale.

If that's the competition, lads,

we have nothing to worry about.

We? This is your baby.

We'd rather be in that.
Fred, fancy the Duster!

Your loss, boys.

Yes, taking on the Rascal
around the rough stuff,

I would now be in the plucky
Dacia Duster,

while Flintoff would take
the feisty Suzuki Jimny.

And all three of us
would have our work cut out

on a timed lap of Millbrook's
punishing off-road obstacle course,

specifically designed to test
any four-by-four to its limit.

Laying down the benchmark
time, then,

the Duster and I were up first.

Three, two, one, go!

Hill-descent mode.

Oh... BLEEP!

You're going to struggle down that.
Yeah, I'll struggle on that.

It's a mixture of speed but also
trying not to wreck the vehicle.

The Duster is already a legend.

Regardless of his time,
it's, like, a 20-grand car, that.

Seven grand for the Dirty Rascal.

Yeah. Well, you'll have your chance.

Right, got to keep it going.

Go on, Duster.

Oh, here you are. I can hear summat.

Yeah, I can see him coming through.

He's going over that pretty quickly.

That's horrendous!

Come on, the Duster!

Oh, he's got it through!
He's through! Wow!

He's really happy with himself
there, isn't he? Yes, baby!

Did you expect to get round?

Do you know what?
It exceeded all expectations!

It was a wild one... It looked
well on the first bit. It's mega.

And on the stuff where you can go
a bit quick, she was fantastic.

Up on her toes.
This is a tough little thing.

It's going to take some beating.
Do you want to know your time?

Go on, then. 3:16.65.

I think that's the time to beat,

I reckon that's a decent time.

So it's just as well that
the Jimny is a very decent car.

Rugged build, four-wheel drive

and a low-range box.

Don't be fooled by its size.

This is a proper off-roader.

It pains me to say it,

but you might look
a bit too big for that car.

I feel it, Chris. You do. Yeah.

I could have sat in the back.

All right, high tower.

Right, 3:16.65 to beat.


Three, two, one, go!

Here we go.

Got the hill descent on.

Whoa! Easy, sweet cheeks.

Come on, let's go!

I think he could roll it.
Oh, it's a rough ride, this.

It's not so much
about time with Freddie,

it's more about, do we have to
get an air ambulance in? Yeah.

Flying through the puddle.

1.5 litre.
I've only got 100 horsepower.

Turn the traction off
so I'm giving a bit of sliding.

This is fun. This is better
than being on a track.

I can't hear any crashes yet.

Now I'm coming up to the water.

Get it round...

If there's a problem
and he gets stuck,

he can just put his feet through
the bottom and hoik it up

like a massive pair of green
shorts...and just walk.

It's just eating the course up!

You can see why people love these.

Come on, the Jimny!

Oh, my God!
Look how fast he's going!

Oh, let's just go for it.
Go, go, go, go, go!

Go, go, go, go!

Oh, that's impressive. Yes!

I've got to be close to
Harris' time!

Oh, my God, Fred. Here he comes.

What about the handbrake turn?

I can't find the gear!


Oh, that's not worked.
That wasn't the best!

There's good news and bad news.
I'll give you the bad news first.

Handbrake turn? Terrible.

Do you know what was happening?

I thought, "I've got to do it cos
they're watching,"

and then I got into it
and I talked myself out of it. Ohh!

You absolute plant pot!

So 3:16.65... Yeah, what did I get?

You did it in...

..2... No!

..50... No! ..point 85.

It's a massacre!

This is an absolute massacre.

It's a slaughter! It's a massacre!

It's a slaughter!
Which bit did you miss out?

Do you know what?
This is brilliant, this car.

I mean, the time
difference is brutal.

26 seconds. Wow.

Both of your cars, though - quick.

It's all about the obstacles
with mine.

Do we agree that it was the car
that did it for Fred?

No! So we're agreeing on that? No!

You've got a Dacia Duster
at the same price, 20 grand.

20 grand. Get in, the Dirty Rascal!

You're a race driver, you've been
doing this show for years!

It's got live axle...

I'm just a northerner
they've stuck in the other car!

That's all I am!

Last up, then, there was just the
small matter of the Dirty Rascal.

Paddy, you've got to beat 2:50.85.

Not a problem!

Good. Are you ready? Yes!

Three, two, one, go!

Oh, God. Oh, God.
I've got to keep it in first.

Here we go.

Slow down, slow down!


No, no, no!


Oh... Paddy.

There was a bit of a bang
at the bottom there.

Tell you what,
at least if he goes over,

he's got hot drinks
before the ambulance gets here!


Oh, tell you what.

You can keep your Jimnys
and your Dacias.

Look at this guy!

Here he is.
I can see him down there.

Look at him.
He's going fast as well.

Yeah! Now we're talking!

Oh, water run. Now this is where
the Dirty Rascal comes into its own

because...plenty of clearance!


Oh, dear.

Oh, God.

That's not good.

That's not good. Uh...

It's a tricky one.

We've gone past three minutes here,
and we've not seen him.

Surely... There must be a problem.
Give him a shout.

Paddy, this is Chris.

How am I going to explain
this one to the lads?

What am I going to tell them?

Shall we go and find him?

Do we leave him out there a bit
longer to suffer, or not?

We don't know what it is. He might
have gone over. Come on. OK.

Guessing the Rascal needed rescuing,

we jumped in the nearest
thing that might have a chance

of towing it
and headed out onto the course.

Now then.

Can I get...down here?

I can see it.
There's something green down there.

How about a splash? Yeah, go on.

Go past. Go past. Go, go, go.

Don't stop. Don't stop.




Did you see? He was clambering to
get back in the car

as fast as he could!

That was perfect!

The inside of this car

is completely full of water.

That is the best thing
you've ever done!

That is the best thing
you've ever done!

BLEEP prick.


I know...

Are you still wet?

I tell you what,

I thought Chris getting pelted
by golf balls dressed as a T-rex

was as good as it gets,
but that... getting splashed,
Paddy, was even better.

To be honest, I expect that
kind of immaturity from you,

but, Christopher, I am very
disappointed in you.

I'm sorry, I'm sorry.

I've got to say, them
Range Rover Sports are...

I didn't hear you coming
until the tsunami hit.

And then my underpants
were just obliterated.

But I tell you what -
I think I'm onto something

with the old mighty Rascal.

Land Rover, if you're watching,

call me. Let's make this happen.

In fairness, the Rascal
was better than expected,

but because it was you,
expectations were...low.

I don't think it was
too bad an idea.

It just didn't work.

What we're saying is,
we admired the effort,

but your car was...

..woeful. Work in progress, lads.

It's a prototype.

There's more to come,
as we'll see later in the show,

when the Dirty Rascal
takes on a much bigger challenge.

But now it's time to meet
our Star in a Reasonably Fast Car

who, tonight, is Romesh Ranganathan!


I want to talk about Misadventures.

It's a fantastic show. Thank you.

You've been all
around the world, as 'as us -

I think that's a word -

what's the worst place
you've driven in?

Um...Mongolia was pretty bad,

because you're in Ulaanbaatar
and it's really packed... Yeah.

Yeah. ..and they're very zen
about the traffic.

You can't go anywhere because
the city is so overpopulated,

and I find it rage-inducing,
to be honest with you.

But the Mongolians are very
chilled out about it.

And then you go out and you're
in the middle of nowhere, basically.

What about the hotels?

I'll be honest with you. When I
signed up to do the travel show,

I had assumed that what happens
is that they say,

"You're going to be staying here,"
and then they go, "Cut,"

and then you get taken
somewhere actually decent.

I don't care about authenticity,
I just want a comfortable night.

But it turns out that they've got
some sort of rule

where you actually have to stay
where you say you're going to stay,

which I find unacceptable.

The thing about Misadventures, Rom,

is, you know, the hotels
might not be great,

but do you choose your co-hosts
on that programme?

Cos I watched the Colombian
episode... Listen.

What you're about to say is

Can I just say? Because Freddie
got me into trouble on this,

right? I did the Colombia show, OK,

and I had a co-host on this show,

the show goes out, I get a text
message from Freddie.

BRUMMIE ACCENT: "It looks like
you're on your honeymoon, mate."

Who's that? That's you.

The thing is, he's picked
a beautiful Colombian actress

and he's salsa dancing
and all sorts with her.

Ohh! Listen, first of all,

I'm not deriving any
enjoyment from that.

I'm dedicated to the show...

..and I want to deliver...


I'm dedicated to the show
and I'm trying to present Colombia

and if my co-host happens to
be attractive,

I didn't even notice.
I'm a married man.

It didn't even register with me,
so... Absolutely.

That is the only show that I've ever
done that my wife has watched.

How did that go down?

Let's just say I will not be making
a return trip to Colombia.

She said to me, "I've heard
I should watch what you got up to."

Cos normally she doesn't care. Yeah.

You know, if somebody says,
"Romesh was flirting," or whatever,

she doesn't care because she knows
that, looking at me,

the chances of me...
Do you know what I mean?

I haven't really got a shot.

So she's quite chilled out
about that.

You say that, Rom, but you've upped
your game these days, haven't you?

You've gone for the high fade,
you're trimming the beard,

your clothes are different.
No... It's a compliment.

I know what you're doing.

I know what you're doing.
They do it to me as well.

They do it to me.

We've never said you look well.
They do it to you?

We've never said you look well,
ever, to be honest.

What did you look like before?!

He smashed me.

Let's get back to your car history,
shall we, Romesh?

I'm looking down the list here

and two words keep coming up -
Vauxhall and Meriva.

OK? How many of these awful
things have you owned?

Three. What?! Why?

Didn't you learn first time?

Well, we had one

and I wrote it off.

And then we got another one

and I wrote that off.
And then I just thought...

How, though? How did you do 'em?
Pardon? How did you write 'em off?

Just sheer... I can't...

There's no excuse.

It was just sheer incompetence.

This eye just went completely
out of my control

and then I was just...

No, it was down to my fault.

We've been through a lot of cars,

mainly because
I've written them off,

but we did have one where I'd
written off one of the Merivas

and we got a pay-out for it,

and I went and bought
a really old Volvo,

cos I wanted something safe,

cos I thought my track
record is not great.

And then I'd just started
doing stand-up

and I wasn't making any
money from it at all,

we were completely broke,

and then the road tax ran
out on the car,

so I was due some money
from a gig shortly,

so I said to my wife,

"Look, let's just try
and style it out for a bit,

"and then when I get the money for
the gig, I'll pay the road tax."

We went out to the shops and we came
back and the car was gone,

and I phoned up and the car
had been impounded for not having

any road tax,

so I phoned them up and I said,
"What's the situation?

"How do I get the car back?"
They said, "It's a £500 fine

"and every day that
you have the car here,

"before you pay that money,
it's £150 a day."

So I said, "Thank you very much,"
I put the phone down

and said to my wife,
"We don't have a car any more,"

because there was no way
I could afford to pay that,

so that got written off
in a different way.

While I've got you here, this is
so handy for me and Chris,

because, obviously, you've known
Fred and worked with him

for a while.
We've worked with him for a while.

Have you figured him out?
Can I figure him out?


I mean, I would say he's wired
differently to any other human.

Oh, yes, he is.

Yes, he is.
My dad is no longer with us,

but he was a massive cricket fan

and he loved Freddie.

And now I work with Freddie

and Freddie sees me

being pathetic at all
of these physical tasks,

and I just can't help
thinking that my dad

would be so ashamed, like,

"I can't believe you're
humiliating yourself

"in front of Freddie Flintoff!"

Every now and again,

when I've failed at some
sort of physical challenge

in front of Freddie,
I just go, "I'm sorry, Dad."

It wasn't so much
the physical challenge,

because we played a cricket match.
I'll be honest with you, Rom,

I was expecting a little bit more,
cos you do like your cricket.

I do love cricket, yeah,

but it turns out you need
two fully functioning eyes

to be really good at it. Handy!

All right, Rom, it's time
for the business end of this.

You've told us you've
written off cars,

but it's time to find out how
fast you went round our track

in our Reasonably Fast Car.

How do you think it went?
Cos the weather out there is awful.

The conditions
in which I did the track

I would describe as apocalyptic,

so, um, I've got to be
honest with you,

when I got behind the wheel,
my main goal

was survival... Romesh, we don't
want to say you went round slowly,

but we didn't use a stopwatch -

we used a calendar.

Shall we have a look at it?

Let's have a look at Romesh's lap.

Here we go, then.

Biblical conditions. Standing water.

I'm going to try and channel my mum.

I hope my mum's with me.

"Darling, don't brake too soon, OK?

"That is a mistake
a lot of people make."

Oh, why can't I stop BLEEP myself?

Good line there, Romesh, good line.
The problem is, in these conditions,

you can't see the white lines.
I couldn't see anything.

You've no idea where you're going.

"OK, ease the throttle as you
come out of the bend.

"Let the car do the work,
darling. OK?

"That was too rough in there.

"Left side of the tyres, OK?

"Dab on the brake."

Are you anywhere near...?
You're on the line there.

You're doing a good job.

Chicago. Under water.

Braking point now for Hammerhead.

Braking point.

Don't brake too soon.

You broke too soon.

You're an absolute tit.

You're on the line. It's good.

Get the power down,
bit of oversteer.

And then let's absolutely
hammer it here like a don.

Yes, mate!

Bad man tings.

Tyre wall - flat out.
Tyre wall - flat out.

This is terrifying.

Oh, God! There were brake lights
on through the tyre wall.

"Dab on the brake.

"Easy into the bend, OK?

"Don't be a dickhead."

Second to last,
the most difficult corner.

That looks a bit quick.
You could off there.

Oh, he just about held it together.
Keep going, keep going.

This is salvageable. Through Gambon.

Keep going. It doesn't matter, it
doesn't matter, it doesn't matter.

Come on!

And over the line.


Good effort. Good effort.

It was bad out there,
though, it was bad.

Good effort.

A good effort, Rom.

Right, Romesh...

First of all, before you start,

the conditions - unacceptable.
It was bad.

I should lose 30 seconds.

Romesh, great drivers
excel in wet conditions.

I never claimed to be
a great driver.

I merely agreed to be on the show.

But looking at the board, Rom,

we know where you'd like to be.

But, realistically,
where do you think you are?

Don't worry about the top half.


If I'm not on the bottom,
I'll be delighted.

That, for me, is my year made.

You're setting your sights high,
aren't you?

Yeah, because look at it, man.

I've written off three cars.

Guys, you saw the conditions.

It's difficult, right?



Anyway... All right, Romesh. Go on.

I don't like the look on your face,

I can tell you,

you went round - good news -

1 minute... Oh, that's good.


..3... What?!


..point 9! Look at this! Yes!

Come on!

Come on!

Come on!

Also, Rom,

you've got the VW - very wet.

Very, very wet.

Very wet indeed!

Yeah? That's what I'm talking about!

Riggidy Ranga's in the house.
Deal with it!

Ladies and gentlemen,
Romesh Ranganathan!


Time to get back
to the Dirty Rascal.

Obviously, it didn't reach
its full potential at Millbrook,

but that's an artificial

To really shine, you need to really
stick it in its natural habitat -

somewhere rugged, hilly,


So the producer said
there's only one place for it.


The Dirty Rascal was
back in business.

I tell you what,

she's as good as new, lads.

I've got the snorkel on the top -

not a problem
if we encounter any more water.

Gravy's on tap.


It needs to be,
cos this is proper off-road.

This isn't Millbrook.

This thing needs to be reliable.


Just remind me, why am I sat in the
back again, being chucked around?

I don't think you'd
get in the front.

I really don't. It's that tight.

Watch the snorkel deal
with this now.

Oh, look at that!

To test my newly upgraded,
battle-ready Rascal,

we've been told to head into
the middle of the Highlands

to a meeting point at an old barn.

Go on.

Thank you.

"So, you reckon you've build
a tough off-road machine.

"Time to prove it

"with a race against Britain's
toughest off-road machine -

"these lads."

These lads?

What lads?

These lads!

Yes, the Dirty Rascal
had its work cut out

because its race would be
a gruelling 20km off-road assault

across the moorland...

..against a squad of former
British Special Forces.

Fred, they've got guns.
I might see if I can join them.

I'm not sitting in the back
of this all day. You what?!

What? What happened to the
old musketeers' motto -

all for one and one for all?

I'm just getting chucked round
in the back - I'm going to be sick.

They're the best of the best.
I'm going to join them.

We've got tea, coffee,
custard and gravy!

I'm out.


You all right, lads?


You don't mind
if I tag along, do you?

You do know what we're doing,
don't you?

Just going for a walk, aren't we?

Little bit more than that, mate.

I'd sooner take my chances
than in there with them two.

Look at them.
Look at them! Shocking!

Look at his little boy's rucksack
they've give him.

They've all got, like,
20-odd kilo in that.

He's got his sandwiches.


Come on, let's go.

Come on, lads, let's leave 'em.

We're out of here.

Now, our race to prove
the Rascal's all-terrain chops...

..had been inspired by the
Special Forces' selection test.

A gruelling race hiking across
the Highland wilderness

finishing at two extraction vehicles

positioned on the nearest

proper road 20km away.

And since Flintoff's new friends
seemed to know where

they were going,
our plan was simple -

follow 'em.

I can live with this. Yeah.

So if we just do this
for four, five hours...

Follow them and then...
straight past.


I'd love a coffee, yeah.

What's our chances
of beating these lads?

Very high.

Fred, to me, looks like a

..being taken on a trip.


Oh, he's here.

Fred! Yeah?

Any chance of your lads
getting a wriggle on?

We've got to want to get there.

Unfortunately, though, it turns
out Special Forces types

don't take kindly to this
sort of encouragement.

Hey-up. Where are they going now?

What have we missed?
What have we missed?

Cup of tea?

Do you want a gravy?

It's smoking.

What the BLEEP?!

Jesus Christ!
What the hell was that?!


Yellow smoke!


Look at the smoke coming out.

We're going to get some distance
between us and the vehicle.


Get it out!

Is that it? It just won't go.

Let me get the bi-fold. Hang on.


Good work. Ohh!

Takes your breath away, doesn't it?

It's made a right mess of your
soft furnishings, that has.

Leaving McGuinness and Harris
to sort out the smoking Rascal,

the lads hatched a plan to
seize the advantage.

We're going to go west shortly.

We're going to try
and pick a route he can't get up?

Yeah, exactly.


Sucking the smoke out.


Look at that.
That's clearing up now.

Lock the bifold in.
Let's go. We're losing time now.

Get a shifty on, guys.

The Rascal has got no
chance in this.

Yeah. He's going to have
to pick another route.

So the Special Forces' dirty tactics
had given them an early lead.

Taking the direct route,

they were now heading south,

up and over the high ground.

But on the move again,
the Dirty Rascal was now following

the river and blazing its own trail.

Wey-hey! Ohh!

Ooh! Paddy! Look, look, look, look!

It's doing wheelies!

Have you been taking
lessons from Flintoff?

If we're moving like this,
we're winning.

Sit-rep on our progress.

This is heavy going.

Pace is dropping.

Problem is, though, I think it's
about to get a hell of a lot harder.

Between us,

when you're with these lads,
Special Forces,

you don't try and give owt away.

Just keep nodding your head and
saying, "Yeah, I'm good as gold."

Let's go, guys! Oh.

Certain Flintoff's walking holiday
would be no match for our pace...

..we decided there was
time to pull over

for a well-earned hot brew.

This is the sort of thing
we should be doing more often.

While Flintoff is out there
pretending he's Andy McNab,

we're here enjoying this
beautiful countryside

just having a cup of gravy -
just two pals relaxing.

There's stuff in here.

Yeah. That might be a pube.

What I do, I re-use
the shower water.

It gets collected in a tray,

goes into the machine.

It's all about recycling.

Fully refreshed - and Harris badly
needing a toothpick -

we got back to our speedy
progress along the river.

Is there not an easier track
we can take than this?

We're trying to win a race,
aren't we?

So... But we've got nice flat
ground to our right,

rubble to our left.
You're driving up a river!

I saw a film... Why are
you driving up a river?

Oh, that's a bit of a... Whoa!


Paddy... Don't worry about that.

I'll just reverse a little bit.


Best not go into the bank.

You know what's caused that?

You. Talking to me.

Yeah, OK.

And there we go.

Jump out.

Three foot of water.

I'm not getting out.
There's no water here.

What about you climbing over me,
getting out that bank there?

You want me to climb over you?

You're not the biggest
of blokes, are you?

I'm strapped in. Right.

OK. Argh! Oh, God.



Ow! My back's stuck. Hold on.

I'm pinned in, you clown!

I can't move. Why?

What are you doing? I can't move.

What are you doing?!

I got my neck stuck.
Get out that way.

Right, put your foot
on the tyre now.

I've got you. OK. That's it.

That's it, you're on.

Right! Push on that front there.

What are you doing?

I'm pushing.
My legs are stronger than my arms.


Go on. It's going.

Go on!

Whoa, go on, Christophe!

Yeah, baby!

We're out, son!

Back on dry land,

Freddie McNab was making
slow but steady progress.

We're going to follow this
water source.

It just starts going up
and up and up.

Reckon it's going to be the hardest
part of the trip, this one.

Just climbing.



Easy, tiger.

Oh, get up! Yeah! Yeah!

Go on, the girl!

Now out of the deep water,

we really needed to start
covering some ground.

Bit of mud-plugging. Lovely stuff.

Where are you going?

Well, we're heading straight on.

Now, listen, don't do your thing,
talking to me.

Oh, God. Don't worry about it.

We're stuck there. We're stuck.
We're definitely stuck.

I'd like to tell you now,
in advance of the mayhem,

I'm not...getting...out.



That's not a good look.

MUSIC: Je T'Aime
by Serge Gainsbourg

I'm just telling you.

That is NOT a good look.


I won't be able to unsee that.

This is tough.
It's one thing physically...

Come on, guys, keep it going!
..mentally, you're just trudging.

And the summit doesn't
seem to get any closer.

Weather's gone a bit bleak
and it's cold as we get higher.

The one thing that's
driving me on, though,

is the thought of being
beat by McGuinness

and his Rascal,
and that does not want to happen.

Still might, though...

..because, somehow,
Harris has dry-humped the Rascal

out of trouble,

and we were back in action.

Without wanting to state
the bleeding obvious... Yeah?

..this terrain isn't
necessarily suiting us

cos it's not very quick.
Yes, exactly.

We need a track. Yes.

Whoa, whoa, whoa.

I've got to work out where we are.


I've got to be able to see.

I've got to be able to see...


Oh, God.

I can't stand it when you can't
refold a map properly.


There. Up there.



Yes! Here it is now.

Right, speed. At last!

Now we are cooking on gas.

Now I feel as though we're
back in the race now.

And with good reason.

There we go, a bit of snow.

Because The Last Boy Scout might
have been approaching

the top of his climb,
but the Rascal...

Go on, girl.

..was now on a proper track

and doing a lot more than
walking pace.

Go on, you Rascal!


So, more than 15km into our hike,

and me and the Special Forces had
completed the big climb.

The Rascal was coming up fast
on the other side of the mountain,

but bad weather at the top

was playing into our hands.

Lads are having a bit of
a check with the map.

Just to check we're going
the right way.

The weather closed in.

Can't see a thing.

I suppose one of the worst
things that could happen -

you do all that walking
and you're going the wrong way.

That'd just do you in.
On we go, Freddie.

Oh, we're going.

Oh, dear. That is thick.

It just changes up here
like that, doesn't it?

Yes. This could
be quite interesting.

And the trouble is, they know where
they're going. We don't.

The low cloud meant we had
no chance of finding a route

over the top.

This is ridiculous.

Can't see a thing.

All we could do was head back
the way we'd come to look for

another way round,

while on the other
sie of the mountain,

the Von Trapps were making
a breakthrough.

There we go, it opens up.

How much longer have
we got of daylight?

You can see the sun's dropping.

You're lucky if you're going to
squeeze 45 minutes.

So we need to nearly be
finished by then, then? Yeah.

The weather's clearing a bit.

We're on a downhill track
and we can see where we're going.

Where are we going now?

Where are we going?

You've got the map - left or right?


You've just took a guess at that.

You've not even looked at it. Well,
if we're going round the mountain,

and that's the mountain,
I think we go round that way.

Amazingly, Harris had
made the right call

and although still a long way back,

the Rascal's luck was on the up.

Now on a fast track
skirting around the mountain

down to the finish,

the race was back on.

We need to try and get the speed
going a little bit, guys.

I reckon we've got about 20
minutes of light left.

How much distance?

We've got around two klicks
from here.

Whoa-oa-oa! Paddy!
Don't worry.


They're telling me, "Run! Run!"

But my body's saying,
"Your knee's knackered,

"it's half metal and you're 42!

"You can't do it."

But I want to win!

We've got to be near now.
Got to be near.

Come on!

Keep it going, guys, come on!

We're going to have to finish
this now. Come on!

I think we've got this.
I do think we've got this.

We've spent the last several
miles... All right!

..really flying.

Home straight!

Come on, guys, keep it going!

Come on, keep moving.

You know, I feel like victory's
in our sights, my friend.

Last minute, guys, come on!

Come on, push it and push it!

I can see something distant
over there, look.

There's a car there.

Yes. Here it is.


Oh, Fred.

I've only gone and done it.

That is a victory.

A bit of a celebration.
A bit of a celebration.

Oh, look at that!


How did you manage that?

I've got the A-Team, haven't I?

Lads, very, very well done.

Sterling work. Sterling work.

Thank you so much
for looking after us.

Are you getting in the back, pal?
Do you mind? Yes, jump in.

Get in. I'm going to jump
in the back of this thing.

As an aside, boys, I know you
need a capable off-road vehicle -

would you be interested
in a Dirty Rascal?

Stick it up your arse!


That is not the attitude, lads.

Right, let's get out of here.

These are things
I never thought I'd say -

I'm so pleased to see you two!




Shambles. Do you know what?
Shambles. Here we go.

It was just nice to enjoy
the countryside, beautiful.

It's not all about
the competition, is it?

I tell you what, when you do come
last, you dust over that bit,

don't you? You lost!

All you won is
Traitor of the Year, sunshine!

And there's no shame in losing
to the Special Forces.

They're the best in the world

and, ladies and gentlemen,

the Special Forces
are in the room tonight,

but you won't notice, because they
are masters of disguise,

but they are here.

They are here somewhere.
Like chameleons.


Right, getting beaten
by the Special Forces,

that's one thing.

Getting beaten by
an ex-cricketer, on foot...

An ex-cricketer with a dodgy
knee, as well, I'll add.

You should be ashamed.
You're on my team!

No, no, no.
This is all your own work.

You're on your own.

Look, I admit making a better
off-roader than Land Rover Defender

for seven grand is tougher
than you think,

but on the plus side...

There's a plus side? Let's hear it.

No. No, there isn't one.
Shall we leave it there? Yes.

Right. We're all off for a
steaming Vimto, but we'll be back

next week, when Chris drives
Porsche's new electric car

and we all head off to Peru. Peru.

See you then. Goodnight!