Top Gear (2002–…): Season 28, Episode 1 - Episode #28.1 - full transcript

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Yeah!

Thank you, thank you!

Thank you, thank you, thank you,
thank you.

Thank you, thank you, thank you,
thank you, thank you, thank you.

Thank you!

Hello and welcome to Top Gear.

We're back, everybody!

CHEERING

Yes!

Over the past year,
we've been electrocuted,



dropped into jungles and nearly
killed by Freddie Flintoff

in an hearse.

LAUGHTER

But we're still here, everyone!
We are still here!

I've got to say, lads, spending
the last 12 months with you two,

well, it's definitely felt longer.

Anyway, we're with you for the next
six weeks and we've got a cracker

of a series lined up.

Have a look at this.

ENGINE GROWLS

I have been looking forward to this!

Here we go.

I've got a new friend
and he's called The Stig.

You have a considerable pair
of berries on you.



I'm not sure where they are
at the minute, Chris,

they're somewhere in me stomach.
That looks sketchy as f..

MOCKINGLY: "It's not
a proper Ferrari!"

Oh, my word!

How ya rootin' tootin' doin'?

Oh, my Lord!

Hold on to your schnitzels!

I can't stop!

Fred, stop!

I'm running out of runway!

Ow!

That's the best thing
you've ever done!

Three...

..two..

..one..

..go!

Whoa!

What a time to be alive.

Loved that.

APPLAUSE

Oh, wow!

All that coming up. Now, Fred,
bungee jumping in a car.

That's all later tonight.

But, first up, it's January,
it's freezing out.

So let's talk summer holidays!

Because did you know the average
cost of a summer holiday

is £600 per person?

600 quid to sit in a smelly metal
tube for two hours

and end up somewhere less comfy
than your own house.

But we reckon there's a better way
to get a bit of sun on your face

and enjoy that well-earned break.

Buy yourself
a second-hand convertible.

Correct. So, the producers said
prove it.

Last August, they gave us each
600 quid and told us to buy

a convertible and then meet up
for a Great British summer holiday.

Our meeting place would be
the seaside town of Bognor Regis.

The sunniest spot in the UK.

And I'd found the perfect car

to make the most of the weather.

Welcome to the Ford Escort
Cabriolet...

..Calypso edition.

Calypso.

Even sounds seasidey.

And the genius thing about this car
- 500 quid.

It's reliable and if you do have
any problems...

..pretty easy to fix.

Also, 93,000 miles on the clock.

So it's barely running.

Beautiful motor.

Beautiful.

Oi, oi!

Ha-ha! Yes, baby.

Look at that, Paddy!

Before you say anything,
did you get the brief?

Yes, I was told...
£600 was the budget.

You've not got that
for less than 600 quid.

This is a £600 Mercedes Benz.

Look at it. It's fantastic.

Everything works.

It's not the poverty spec 200.

It's a 230.

So it's supercharged.
Nearly 200 horsepower.

Did you get the memo?

Because they told me to buy the best
convertible I could for 600 quid.

Did they ask you to come as
a mid-'90s sex offender?

I mean, wha... What?

Well, I don't know if you could say
"sex offender" on BBC Two,

but we've put it out there.

Er...

Oh, interesting.

Yeah.

What's all this?

Well, what's happened there is
the painted interior has worn away

to leave patternation.

You're also getting the smell
of raw fuel coming from the front

of the engine, which is a new thing
that's just emerged in the last

ten minutes. Wonderful.

RHYTHMIC CAR HORN TOOTS

Oh, my...

..God!

CHRIS AND PADDY LAUGH

What is that?!

What is that?!

"What is that?"

"What is that?" That's a wreck!

This, Paddy, is a Chrysler LeBaron.

I don't know where to start with it!
What?! You come round the corner,

I thought, "Is it a Sierra?"

Well, think of road trips,
what do you think of?

American.

No. No.

What? Driving down Route 66,
roof down.

No? English family summer holidays.

You'd go to the resort, wherever you
were. Yeah. South coast,

north coast. There was always one
American car

driven by a wrong 'un, wasn't there,
that used to float about.

No, I'm going to defend that.
I'm going to defend that.

People automatically assumed
he was a wrong 'un.

THEY LAUGH

But in fact, it was a man with
impeccable taste!

What colour is it?

It's white!

I don't think it is.

It looks like it's been actually
painted with a brush.

It has been. It's not been sprayed,
that's been painted.

Did you not hear it, though,
the sound of it coming in?

I heard the horn. Did you hear
the horn?! It was like Noddy's car!

It's because the exhaust
has fallen off, Fred.

Have you seen the exhaust?
That's not all together...

Even this.

Even the badges.

It's got a 3.0 litre V6.

How much power? 3 litre V6...
How much power?

It's got to right up there.

How much?

140.

CHRIS LAUGHS

Man alive!

What's that? Look at that. Now...

Wow. Look at.

Well, I can do that on yours, look.

Oh... See?

How've you managed break that
straight away? I don't know!

How've you managed break it? You've
literally only just touched the car

and you've already broken it!
What quality!

You are just such an arse.

It's come off! Get out!

Who's this guy?

Thank you.

"Congratulations!

"You will now go on
a summer road trip

"to the Essex Coast."

Holidays! Yes.

Down to the Sugar Hut, boys!

Follow me!

Let's get some candyfloss.

Some things just look right.

James Bond wearing a dinner suit,

Winston Churchill smoking
a great, big, fat cigar.

Add to that list Paddy McGuinness
driving a clapped-out

Escort convertible in Bognor Regis.

It just looks right.

# Tell me when will you be mine

Got myself me candyfloss.

Oh, ho!

# Tell me
quando, quando, quando... #

Man, sun's shining. Oh!

CAR HORN TOOTS

You all right?

The LeBaron, on the other hand,
didn't look right at all.

This is like a workout.

Get round, get round, get round.

Just wait at the side, mate,
I'm probably going to bump the kerb.

Oh! Thank you.

Paddy, first failure
for the Chrysler LeBaron.

I can hear you laughing.

You've got your roof down!

CHRIS LAUGHS

So 450 quid doesn't buy you
working power steering.

Doesn't matter.

The point is the LeBaron
is bang on brief.

Holidays, think about it.
What do you do?

You go somewhere
you've never been before.

You wear clothes that you would
never dream of wearing.

You eat food you've never tried.

And that's the idea behind this.

It's a break from the norm.

I want to experience something new.

Otherwise, I'd just sit home
and watch Cash In The Attic.

I tell you what, you surprised us
all with another Escort, Paddy.

Hey up, roundabout, here we go!

Hang on, I'm going to put
me mic down.

HIGH-PITCHED WHINE

THEY LAUGH

You know, the thing with Escorts
for me is...

..it's like your first love.

You know, you never forget them.

You're always wondering
what they're up to.

And it's nice just to be
back inside.

That's sounds wrong. I get that.

But you know what I mean.

I know it's not the world's
best cabriolet, this.

It's not even Europe's best
cabriolet, it's not even...

..the UK's best cabriolet.

But...

..£500.

I'm out and about,
it's driving well.

There's a few little
electrical glitches.

The headlights are staying on
for some reason, but...

Other than that,

life's good, it's a bargain,
this car.

Fine.

But if the Calypso is a bargain,

then in the world of
cheap convertibles,

the SLK is an absolute steal.

Those two clowns there
have got coupes

that had their roofs chopped off.

That's why I don't like
convertibles normally.

If you take the roof off a car
you fundamentally ruin it.

They wobble about and shake.

But the SLK, you see,
was built to be a convertible.

So it's got structure in the floor
that means it feels quite tight.

Feels rigid, rigid as a Stuttgart
designer's pencil, this thing.

An hour into our drive and life
with our bargain convertibles

was going very nicely.

Oh, my word. The steering wheel's
all over the place.

Better still, we've been told to
head to a local race circuit

for our first holiday outing -
a track day.

Look at this!

Boys, there seems to be
a load of tractors and coaches

and Winnebagos and...
there's a Morgan up there.

What is this all about, then?

Challenge - time to find out how
your summer holiday convertibles

handle traditional
summer holiday traffic.

Last to be overtaken by
the Stig wins.

So this is a race, is it, now?
Where's the Stig?

TYRES SQUEAL

Five litre, very nice.

So much for the track day.

The circuit had been littered
with summer holiday roadworks,

stuffed full of summer holiday
traffic.

Can you get track day tyres
for a combine harvester?

And we'd now have to get as far away
as we could from the Stig

before he sets off to hunt us down

in the ultimate
summer holiday convertible.

A V8 Ford Mustang.

Let's do this! We're off!

Here goes.

Right, McGuinness.

No!

Jesus Christ, the combine harvester
was a bit close!

Oh, my God, what is going on here?

Oh, no. My candyfloss!

Look at the steering wheel,
look at it moving!

Oh, my word. This is bonkers.

Argh! Duh, duh, duh, duh!
You say there!

This is going to be tricky.
Nibble that.

That'll do.

Jeez, this is awful!

Steering's... Oh, BLEEP!

Oh, me tyre's gone!
Me tyre's gone!

I'm out! I'm out already! Argh!

I can't see Flintoff.

Flintoff's not even made it
round the first lap!

Bloody hell! Where's the Stig?

ENGINE ROARS

Stig, yeah. Go on, son.

This is lively.

Argh! Can't get past that caravan...

Oh, no! He's here!
He's right behind me!

Oh! The Volkswagen camper stops him!

Out the way!
HORN BLARES

Get out the bloody way!

Come on. Come on!

Oh, no!

No!

Piss!

Stig's not catching me.

No! No, no, no, no, no, no!

Ahh!

Ah-hah!

He's got me but it's a win.

You were brilliant.

There was no way on God's green
Earth we were catching you in that,

no way.

I mean, a lot of that's
down to the driver.

Is it f...

First blood to the Mercedes,
then.

But back on the road with
a shiny new tyre,

Flintoff had finally found something
on the McLaren to show off.

You ready? You ready?

LAUGHS

They are magnificent!

Hey, you don't get that
in your Merkie, do you?

That is without a doubt
the crappest headlight solution

I've ever seen.

Oh, it's a joy.

We'd been told to head 20 miles
up the road for another holiday

convertible test,
which gave us just enough time

for an important debate.

Seaside holiday confection.

You've got to have candyfloss,
rock or 99/Mr Whippy.

Ice cream, every day of the week.

Totally agree. For me, a Mr Whippy
is one of the great treats of life.

Yeah. But it's not necessarily
a seaside holiday treat, is it?

You can have it any time.

What's more seasidey
than a Mr Whippy?

It's not seasidey.
It just happens to be ice cream.

Candyfloss is seasidey.

Those big pink dummies are seasidey.

"Kiss me quick" hats are seasidey.

Invisible dog leads are seasidey,
sugar doughnuts are seasidey.

Mr Whippy can just
drive down your street in his van.

Unbelievable.

But Mr Whippy would have to wait,
because we'd reached our next test.

Are we going off-road here, lads,
or what? What's going on?

Well, we're not going round there.

It's a motocross track!

Another challenge. Thank you, boss.

It's obviously got words
more than one syllable.

That's why I'm reading it.

Driving in summer
is a sweaty business.

In high temperatures,

the average human produces
more than 10 litres of sweat a day.

To see how your cars cope with this
sort of output, they're now

being rigged with a dispenser of low
friction synthetic sweat substitute.

Fastest lap wins. Don't slide off.

Synthetic sweat substitute.

Yes. To test how our convertibles
handled sweaty conditions,

apparently, we'd each have to do
a timed lap of a twisty,

undulating motocross track

while being liberally sprayed
with a friction reducing liquid.

Sounds like lube to me, this, lads.

Two words I don't like -
lube and moist.

It's good news for you, Paddy,

because the lube is
to simulate being moist.

HE GIGGLES

And in better news,
McGuinness was up first.

This is not going to end well.

Here he is. All right, Paddy.
Looking good in the Escort.

Can I make a request? Go on.
Can Harris do the timer?

I don't trust Flintoff.

I take that as a personal insult.
Yeah. But you know I'm right.

HE LAUGHS
He was starting you on five seconds!

Yeah, exactly. Exactly!

You ready, Paddy?
ENGINE REVS

Three, two, one...

Go!

Here we go!

I can't see!

THEY ROAR WITH LAUGHTER

Oh, my God!

Tell you what - that is a lucky
escape, McGuinness.

THEY LAUGH
Look at that!

I'll tell you what, Paddy,

you've thrown the gauntlet down
there, ain't you?

Do think we can beat him, Chris?

With a target of 42 yards to beat...

..it was time for the Merc
to show how it's done.

What are you doing? We just have
to test if it's on your face.

Can we just give it a test now,
lads? No!

Yay! That's the one.
That's the ticket. Yeah.

That works. That works.

ENGINE REVS

Three, two, one, go!

HE SPLUTTERS
Oh, that's right in the mouth!

I've been hit!

Ah! This is repugnant!

See, the thing is, he's got
the ideal car for this, really.

You would think so.
This is horrendous.

I can't hold the wheel.

Argh! Didn't sound healthy, that.

Argh! This is it - big finish.

HE GROANS

Oh! Oh, nice.

You can stop that now.

All right, David Seaman.
Look at the state of you.

How was that? What did you expect?

You've just thrown 15 litres
of lube at me.

I've got a little bit
on my T-shirt myself.

A little bit on your T-shirt.

Look at me! Do you want to tell
him his time, Pad? Yeah.

145.57.

What? Why are you speaking like
a four-year-old

that's learning numbers?

145... 57. I got it.

While Harris went off
to find the Kleenex,

next up it was Flintoff's run.

And given his previous record
of crashing,

the producers had taken
the sensible precaution

of fitting some additional
low key rollover protection.

Did you tell him about the roll bar?
Yeah, I did.

Specialist bell end one.

It's a terrible motor vehicle,
isn't it?

METALLIC CRUNCH
That wasn't a good start, was it?

Right.

Three, two, one, go.

HE GROANS AND SPLUTTERS

This is just horrendous!

Ow! Ow! Struggling now.
Oh, he can't get up the hill. Ha-ha!

Oh, my word. Come on.

Come on.

Get round, get round.
LIQUID HISS

Ugh! It's making noises now!
It's like a spitting cobra!

I cannot believe it's going
to be so close.

Here we go, here we go! I'm going to
beat Harris, get over the line!

THEY LAUGH

Tell me the good news!
Please, give me some good news.

Well, the good news is you look
very good with your T-shirt,

like a Chippendale. Ugh!
HARRIS LAUGHS

Oiled up. 148.12.

Oh, is it just...
Only three seconds behind!

When you come over there, I thought,
"He's going to do it."

If you'd taken that hill up there
a bit quicker, you could have won.

Look at this.

HE IMITATES STRIPPING SONG

Put the slow-mo on!

We've decided - little conflab -

that we've been absolutely nailed
here... Oh, hold on.

..and you've somehow
got away scot free.

Well I'm happy with last place.

You're not. I can tell by your face.
Not an option really, is it?

No, it wasn't.

And with Harris nobly risking his
winning time for the greater good,

we fished the Calypso back to
the start line and McGuinness

got ready for another shot at glory.

LIQUID HISS

Hey! I've not started!
Three, two, one, go!

Dickheads!

MUSIC: Paranoid
by Black Sabbath

HE SPLUTTERS

Look at the face here, look at him!

HE IMITATES PADDY

It's in my eye!

He's got a face that suits
having lube jetted into it.

Don't you think?

I can't hold the bloody wheel!

Where's my candyfloss?

Candyfloss for purchase!

He's going for it this time. He is.

I think he's going too hard.
It's going to be tight, this, Chris.

It's going to be really tight.
It's going to be unbearable.

THEY LAUGH

That's a big jump!

That was impressive. That was good.

What's the time?
You did it in one minute...

..36.59.

Yes!

Let me get out of this car!

It's his second go!
I can't deal with this.

# Oh, we do like to be
beside the seaside

# Oh, we do like to be
beside the sea... #

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Hey? Let me tell you,

THAT is how you drive a Calypso
covered in lube.

It's not really something
to be proud of, is it?

Where do you even get that much
lube? Now, I know this. Yeah?

This was agricultural lubricant.

What? Farmers use it.

The dirty dogs.

Lube for cows. Really?
Is that right? Yes.

I can still taste it.
Anyhow, moving on.

We'll get back to that film
later in the show,

when things get
even less dignified.

But first, you're in for a treat,
everybody.

It's Mr Harris and a review.

Go on, Chris. Go on, Chris!
APPLAUSE

You'll know this car.

The Ariel Atom.

This first turned up 20 years ago

and it's been constantly revised
and upgraded ever since.

But now there's an all new Atom,
which, according to Ariel,

is entirely, totally different.

Here it is - the Atom 4.

A new from-the-ground-up design that
looks completely and utterly...

..exactly the same as before.

It's identical, but genuinely,
this is an all-new car.

The only bits carried over
from the old Atom -

brake pedal, clutch pedal,
fuel filler cap.

That's your lot. Everything else -
shiny new, apparently.

But get behind the wheel
and you'll quickly discover

the changes are significant.

It has to be said, at first glance,
they're also a bit worrying.

They call this the most
usable Atom yet.

There's more room for your elbows,
for your legs, your feet.

They've given it
more supple suspension,

so it's more comfortable
at low speeds.

You can even dull the engine down
for more relaxed driving.

Relaxed driving? If you want to
do relaxed driving,

you don't buy a car
without a windscreen, doors,

in fact, any body work whatsoever.

If you want comfort,
go and buy a travel pillow.

There is one important change,
though, that's far more welcome.

Behind me is a new engine
taken from the Honda Civic

type R hot hatchback...

..which, when you wind the dial
back to where it should be,

makes 320 horsepower.

ENGINE PURRS

And which, when you put your foot
down, helps the Atom do this.

0-60 takes 2.8 seconds.

2.8!

That's the 100 up
in under 7 seconds.

It's time-bendingly fast.

You get to the end of a straight

slightly younger
than when you started.

That gets the heart going
like a triple espresso

with a defibrillator chaser.

Not that Atoms have ever struggled
to get the ticker ticking.

What they have sometimes
struggled with

is the whole going round corners
thing.

The old Atom used to understeer
at the first sniff of a corner.

Not this one.

I'm not understeering,
I'm cornering.

And I know exactly what
the front wheels are doing now.

I see the suspension arms moving.

It's all naked.

On display.

It's proud of its components.

I love that.

And when you've had enough of
nimbly carving up corners...

..the Atom will happily play
the delinquent too.

MUSIC: Ace Of Spades
by Motorhead

Whoa!

Couldn't do that in an old Atom.

# If you like to gamble
I tell you I'm your man

# You win some, lose some
All the same to me... #

Just the most raw experience.

Everything's flying at you - the
scenery, the insects, the stones.

Same engine as a Civic Type R,
remember.

This thing weighs under 600kg.

That's less than a Formula 1 car!

Whoa!

It's a frothing lunatic!

Can't get enough of it -
it's so extreme.

The new Atom, then, really is
an incredible thing to drive.

But what's less clear

is if it's something
you'd actually want to own.

Brilliant though it is,

this is a car that does say
something about its driver.

Specifically "crippling midlife
crisis" and, just below that,

"I was too scared
to buy a motorcycle."

Then, there's the price.

The Atom starts at around 40 grand,

which does seem like an awful lot
of money for a pile of ironmongery

with a Honda engine behind you
and no floor mats.

But look at it another way.

This is a car that will annihilate
any supercar on the right road.

You just can't go faster
for the cash.

In truth, it's a bit of a bargain.

But it's also more than that.

It's life affirming.

Honestly, if the state of
the world's ever getting you down,

forget, meditation,
forget digital detox,

a quick spin in one of these
will sort you right out.

APPLAUSE

Just a great little car. Is it?
Oh, love it! Wow.

And I've got to say,
life coaching by Chris Harris -

I never thought I'd see the day.

Now, we need to find out how fast
the Ariel Atom 4

went round our test track.

What do you reckon, Chris,
where are we looking on the board?

Come on. It was cold
and it was damp.

Those tyres don't work in those
conditions. I think mid-table.

Otherwise, it would be right up
here. But I'm thinking here.

Well, earlier today, we sent
the Stig out in the Ariel Atom.

You can see the lap online,

but I can tell you
the Ariel Atom 4... In there.

You reckon? The old one is here
- 1.15? In there.

Got to be around here, hasn't it?

Lads, lads. It's a surprise.

He went round in one minute...

..20... What? ..5...
What? ..3.

No way! Chris, you can do that.
It's down there. Go on.

What? That's sizeist.

That is unb... No-one expected
that. Are you surprised, Chris?

I am. But the weather was terrible.

Look, these tyres don't work
sub five degrees. It's wet.

I think that's unfair. Can we have
it back in the summer, please?

I think we should. Do you
want it back in the summer?

ALL: Yes. Let's get it back
in the summer.

Now it's time to get back to our
cheap convertible summer holiday

where things are about to go from
proper slippery to proper painful.

Fore!

Feels good to be back out
on the open road, boys.

What a day. What a day.

Oh.

Oh, I've cut out.

Yeah, we've cut out.

Lads, I've cut out.

Man, takes me back to Ethiopia,
this.

Again, I was in an Escort,
again, I was towing Flintoff.

Nothing changes, does it?
Nothing changes.

Not again.

Dear me. It really is Dumb
leading Dumber, isn't it?

Look at them.

ROPE PINGS

90 miles into our journey and with
the LeBaron now cooling off

after its second breakdown
of the trip, it's fair to say

we were starting to narrow down
who had really bought

the best cheap convertible.

I don't know who I'm kidding.
It's awful, isn't it?

It's an awful, awful car.

And soon we arrived at
our next summer holiday activity.

To narrow it down some more.

Look at this!
What is it we're actually doing?

We're not playing cricket, are we?

It's a golf driving range, Paddy.
Cheers, mate. Challenge.

"Time to test the agility
of your convertibles.

"Roof down, you will now attempt
to catch as many golf balls

"as you can in your cockpits."

Hang on a minute.

So we're driving round and
they're hitting balls into our car.

Have you ever been hit
by a golf ball?

I have. It really hurts.

Luckily, the producers had thought
of this and laid on

some specialist protective gear.

Of sorts. Lads?

What? Was there a sale on
at Sports Direct?

Have you come as the Honey Monster?
It's a hockey kit, isn't it?

What's under the jumper? This is
what I was like when I was 20.

HE LAUGHS

We'd each have two minutes
out on the range

in front of 25 keen golfers,

with the most balls in the cockpit
at the end making for the most

agile convertible, obviously.

OK, Freddie. Here we go.

Three, two, one...
KLAXON SOUNDS

I'm off.

Come on. Come on.

Where are they hitting them?
I can't see!

Here he comes. This is it now.

We can absolutely pepper him!

Smash him!

BALLS PING
Argh! Oh, my!

BLEEP! Right past my nose!

Wey! Oh, this is good now.

Aim for his teeth.

Yay!

HE LAUGHS
Oh, my head!

KLAXON SOUNDS
That was immense fun. Enjoyed that.

Smashing golf balls at Freddie
Flintoff should be a sport.

What a time to be alive.

Oh, love that.

Windscreen's cracked. That's nice.

She's a bit peppered, Fred.

Yeah. Not many went in.

How many do you think went in?
Eight?

Very close. How many? Nine. Nine.
Nine. Ten.

You even missed there.
I know. I'm sorry.

Still, with a target of nine
to beat,

McGuinness went next
to get suited and booted.

SUIT CLANKS
What the hell is that noise?

All right?

You all right, Pad? Not really.

Does it work? Yeah.

How are you going to drive
with those shoes on?

Let me tell you one thing.

Wait till you see what you've got
to put on. Do your worst.

Ten balls to take the lead.
KLAXON SOUNDS

Time for some payback.
Go on!

GLASS SHATTERS
What the bloody hell?

Oh, his window's gone.

King Arthur's here, and he ain't
taking no BLEEP!

Come on, then!

Want to get that windscreen.

My windscreen, my windscreen,
you tools!

Oh, got one in! Damn!

Oh, my God.
HE LAUGHS

Jesus! What the bloody hell?

METAL CLATTERS

Oh! Oh! Tosspot!
KLAXON SOUNDS

That made me ears ring!

Right. Scores on the doors.
How many do you think?

Well, I can see... Oh!
THEY LAUGH

I can see four in the front.

38. Shut up! Yes.

38? King Arthur...

..is out of here.

Paddy's battered Calypso
was in the lead

and with the day drawing to a close,
the pressure was now all on Harris.

Oh, lovely. Lovely shot.

Oh, here he is! Look at this lad!

HE LAUGHS

I tell you what, Chris.
Have your arms grown?

Where does your head come to
on this?

Right. Can we get this done
as soon as possible?

Go and get yourself in the car.
Just go and get in the car, Chris.

Get in the car, Chris!

So, 39 balls and the tiny T-Rex
wins it.

Three, two, one...
KLAXON SOUNDS

Here he comes. Come on, then. Right.
I've got my own strategy here, boys.

First of all, demonstrate the...
Jesus Christ!

BALLS PING
Whoa, can't see where I'm going.

Right, so my strategy is to
demonstrate the agility of...

BALL SMACKS
Christ!

Whoa! Oh, right in his face!

I'm deflating. I've deflated.

BALLS PING
Whoa!

Argh! I think the dinosaur's popped!

This is like a really
budget version of Jurassic Park.

GLASS SHATTERS
Whoa, that was my side window gone.

I can't even see you. Wave.

Ow! Oh, nearly took his lamps out.

Right, OK. Now, strategy is -
park up and let them fire in.

Come on, fill it up.

This is... BLEEP!

BALLS SMACKS
Ow!

Whatever Harris's strategy was,
it looked like it was working.

Whoa! Go on!

Ow! Just a bit too well.
HE SHOUTS

Right. Making a break for it.

What's he doing?

You missed me!
Oh, he's having it now!

Go on, run! Run, dinosaur. Run!

Get in!

I can't hit them quick enough!
I can't hit them quick enough!

Whoa, whoa, whoa!

BALL SMACKS
Ow!

All right, Chris? How was that for
you?

What's the scores on the doors,
please?

You had 38 to beat, that Paddy had.
Go on.

I can tell you, Chris...
Give me the good news.

Well, it's not bad news. You got 16.

So I had half the size of cabin
therefore, if your ratio it, I won.

What's he shouting at?
No, you didn't win.

No, I did... I got double that.

Yeah, but you've got a four seater,
I've got a two seater...

You got out the car,
made more room...

So, not only is the Calypso the best
convertible in sweaty conditions,

it's also the most agile.

Yet we couldn't help but reflect
that, as summer road trips go,

this one had been
unnecessarily harsh on our cars.

Look at this.

No windows there, no windows there,
no windscreen, no nothing.

Now we were finally approaching
the Essex coast.

And as a reward for
all our hard work...

BUZZING
It's a ladybird.

..we'd been told to head
to a picturesque island

for a relaxing overnight stay.

What is this? Challenge!

Don't worry, lads, I'll get it.
You stay there.

Jesus!

"We forgot to mention
your accommodation is on

"the other side of the causeway."

That's the causeway.
No, that's the sea.

"The tide's coming in.

"Last to arrive is the winner."

Last to arrive is the winner.

So this...
I think this is a test of nerve.

This brings me back into the game,
lads.

Two talkers, one thinker.

What, you reckon you're going
to wait me out?

Did you say wet me out?

Wait. Wait.

Wet me out is a whole different
kettle of fish, I think, Chris.

That's come in quite a bit now,
that.

Are you going? See you
on the other side, boys.

See you, Paddy.

HE CLUCKS

Clowns. Absolute clowns.

Look at them!
It's already deep as it is.

I think it's got quite deep
quite quick, that. Same here.

Who do you reckon's
got the best off road vehicle?

Mine's very low.
It's got to be that, I reckon.

This is deep up here.
This is dee...

They've not even set off!
You're itching to go, aren't you?

You're itching!
Chris is giving in!

Well, it's not about... Ah, ah, ah!

Well, we're going to see now,
aren't we?

What in the name of god?

HE YELLS

Oh. Oh, my word.

I'm going.

Ah, he's gone. See you, Chris!

Go on, then.

I've gambled. This is
my only shot at glory.

Go on! Argh!

She's dying on me. Come on, Calypso!

Come on. Come on.

I mean, that doesn't look
good to me, does it?

Lock it in first,
get a bow wave going.

I've died straight away.

Come on, Chris.

You...
CRUNCH

CHRIS LAUGHS

He's pushing me! Fred's pushing me!

Come on, LeBaron! Come on, LeBaron!

Just when you needed it,
he steps up, Harris!

It's pushing the Merc!

Come on, baby! Come on!

Yes. Go on. Come on, dig in. Dig in!

Dig in, let's go.

Oh, it's getting deeper.

Oh, God. There's a lot of water
in here.

Come on, Harris. Put your foot down.
Use your foot.

My engine's cut out!

What? I'm just pushing you? Yeah.

Keep going, keep going, baby.

Keep going. Keep going, baby.

So near!

Looks like we're doing it!
We're doing it!

Come on, LeBaron!

What a car this is, Chris!
What a car!

Everyone doubted LeBaron.

I could have got a Saab,
I could have got an Audi TT...

CRUNCHING

ENGINE STUTTERS

Harris, you absolute weapon!

Come on, we're nearly there!
We're nearly there!

Please, go on. Go on.

No, keep going, girl.
Keep going. Please don't...

Yes!

Oh, my God! I'm over.

Yes! Woo!

Come on!

Come on!

This is your fault, Harris.

I'm on dry land, I'm on terra firma.

Come on, Calypso!

Woohoo!

Chris, is that you I can see
in the middle of the sea?

Wahey!
HE LAUGHS

Jesus wept.
What are they doing?

HE LAUGHS

I'm stuck! I'm stuck!

I feel like I'm... You know, like,
a teacher in charge of a creche?

THEY LAUGH

That's exactly what it feels like.

But the creche is full of
middle-aged bell ends.

HE LAUGHS

Oh, it's in my mouth!

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Is that one of the best things
you've ever seen? That...

Seeing Chris Harris
in that dinosaur outfit

was one of the funniest things
I've ever seen in my life.

I'll tell you what - best holiday
ever. It had everything.

Candyfloss, golf, quick dip
in the sea.

I've booked us in again next year,
chaps. Don't worry about that.

But the idea was to decide
who'd actually bought best.

So first of all,
you're out of the running

because this is one of
the worst cars I've ever seen.

Do you agree?
I'll hold my hands up.

Buying this car was possibly
an even worse decision

than whoever made me
England cricket captain.

THEY LAUGH

Terrible. For 600 quid, boys,
the three pointed star.

The inventors of the motor vehicle.

Come on. Chris, it sank.
THEY LAUGH

It's a car, not a boat.

Listen. Let's face it -
this car is the star.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
Yes. Come on.

Best of British, best of British.

Paddy, it is the best of
a bad bunch.

But are you going to buy an Escort
for every cheap car challenge we do?

They keep winning,
I'll keep buying 'em.

Let me tell you, you can forget
your holidays. Forget Magaluf.

If you want a proper holiday,
invest in an old Escort.

That sounds wrong, I know.
THEY LAUGH

Move on. I never thought I'd say
this - can I hear more from Paddy?

No, you can't. No, you can't.

Anyway, earlier on, you remember
Chris was reviewing

the new Ariel Atom and he said
for that money, you can't go faster.

I tell you what, that is not true,

because he figured there was
a way to go even faster for less,

and stitch me right up
in the process.

So an Ariel Atom will do
0-60 in 2.8 seconds,

but you can accelerate faster
than that, and for a lot less cash.

You just need one of these.

An old Rover Metro,
yours for a few hundred quid.

Oh, and you also need one of these.

This is the Luzzone dam
in Switzerland.

At over 540ft, it's one of
the tallest dams in the world.

You see, in freefall, for example,
when dropped from a dam,

a Rover Metro will do 0-60 in 2.7
seconds because of gravity.

But to beat the Atom,

we're not just going to chuck
a Metro off a dam.

That would be irresponsible.

Instead, we've got a crane
and a very long piece

of stretchy string.

That's right. We're going to try
and bungee jump a car.

So what we need
is a crash test dummy.

Luckily, we've got the biggest dummy
of the lot.

Morning. Morning.

Welcome to a dam.

I can see that.

Over 500ft, that, Fred.

And you're expecting me... Yeah.

..to go down there. Yeah.

There. There. In that.

A Rover. Could you not
get a better car? Oh, come on.

You're going to go out
in a blaze of glory, Fred.

No, Chris. I'm not going to go out.
Is that the whole plan?

Get rid of me? First things first.

It's a stylish way to go off a dam.

You could have filled it with water
at the bottom.

Well, that's the thing about the
dam. The water's on that side.

And on the other side is space.

If I'm going to land on something,
I'd sooner it be water.

At 125mph, water is the same as
rock, I'm led to believe.

Yeah, it's just in my head,
isn't it? That's the thing.

You mean there is something going on
in there?

There's a bit going on
at the minute, Chris.

HE LAUGHS
I'm not going to lie.

So, how have you made it safer?

We've basically strapped in
some scaffolding

and attached a massive hook
to the back of it.

I've personally inspected
all of the welds

and it looks kind of OK to me.

Kind of OK? So you're sending me
over 500ft and it's kind of OK?

Watch the way this folds forward.

That's just beautiful.
Chris, you've done me here.

Imagine the write-up in the paper?

Oh.

"Flintoff gone
in a bright red Metro.

"Bungeeing off a dam." I know.

And just as Ben Stokes has taken
all your other glory as well.

I mean, it's getting bad, isn't it,
Fred? Yeah.

He'll be doing this one day.
He'll be doing it.

When it dries up
and he gets injured.

HE LAUGHS
Jeez! We've all been there.

At this point,
I wish I'd have done Strictly.

Clearly, Fred needed
some reassurance.

So next, we got straight
into the safety briefing.

Main thing, keep your hands
on the steering wheel. Really?

What, to steer? Feet in there.

No. Cut a long story short,
once that gets released

and you're in freefall,

if you haven't got your hands
on the steering wheel...

Yeah. Right? And you're flailing
around like a rag doll,

he's not going to be the one that
gets his arm ripped off by a bungee.

It's going to be you. Oh! All right?

No, I'm not.
It's not going to be me.

So if I hit the ground, this
helmet's going to save me, isn't it?

What you need to know is there's
nothing loose in the car.

There's nothing loose in the cage.

Tell you what, I'm feeling a bit
loose. Have you done this before?

Have you done a car bungee before?

I haven't done a car bungee but I've
done plenty of car crashes before.

Let's put the neck brace on. So,
this is going to be the procedure.

Yeah. We're going to lift you up
in the crane,

we're going to put you into number
ones over the dam.

Once the car comes to its final
resting position,

we've got a radio in the car.

You'll hear me say,
"Is everything all right, Fred?"

That's when I want a thumbs up
from you. Yeah. Right.

No thumbs up from you,
we're going to safely lower the car

and myself and the paramedics
will come in

and assess the situation from there.

Hands on the steering wheel, pin
yourself into that seat. Yeah.

That's all you need to do.
Tell you what, Fred.

It's got chrome kick plates.
Have you seen those?

Chris, at what point of this
do you think I'm bothered?

Fred. Yeah. Any questions?
I don't think so, Darren.

I'm questioning myself. Right.
What am I doing here? Why am I here?

I've got an MBE.

Lovely, delicate actions
from the crane man.

It's a beautiful crane.
Have you checked the crane out?

Lovely bit of engineering,
Fred. I don't care.

I just want it to stay
on top of the dam.

This is just starting
to get a little bit real now,

as I'm about to be perched
over the edge.

It's starting to make
some funny noises now.

There's a bit of creaking going on.

Oh, my lord.

MACHINERY GROANS

BLEEP!

This is awful.

I'm just suspended!
Ahh, it's wobbling!

CRANE CREAKS

I'm tensing up here.

I'm going to make a slight
confession here.

I'll make two, actually.

One, I'm nervous.

Two, possibly the worst thing
I have ever done.

Stay with it, Fred.

I would not like to be
in your shoes.

Oh, this is stupid.

CRANE SQUEAKS

It just a really bad noise.

Try being sat here, you bell end!

This is stupid. Stupid.

I'd like to see Jeremy Clarkson
do this.

HE LAUGHS

BLEEP! It's wobbling.
Stop wobbling it!

Oh, my...

Oh, my God.

I'm just going to have
a moment here.

Oh, my word.

I don't want to look at the crane,
I've just got visions of them movies

when a crane topples over.

BLEEP! Stop wobbling it!

BLEEP the bed!

Whoa. I don't use this phrase
lightly,

but that looks sketchy as BLEEP
to me, that looks all wrong.

Why? Why am I doing this?

Oh, sheez!

I don't think
he was scared initially,

but right now I've never
seen him like that.

The engineers had calculated that
at the bottom of the drop,

Freddie in the Metro would exert
a massive seven tonnes of force

through the rope and crane.

They had to be sure everything
was right before releasing the car.

Fred to production.

I don't know if anyone's noticed,
but I am suspended above a dam

and I've been here for quite
a while now.

RADIO: Standby, Fred.
Doing final checks now.

Final checks. How long they been
planning this for?

Was the time to make sure
everything's right not a while ago?

Are we not at the point
of no return now?

The worst part about it is,
is I don't feel attached.

Oh, sh...

It's just gone up a level, now,
hasn't it?

Oh, my word.

Jesus Christ!

Tell you what - BLEEP that
for a game of soldiers.

Whoa!

Tell you what, Harris,
I wasn't budgeting for this!

Ha-ha! Tell you that for sure!
Bloody hell!

Just tell me there's a rope
on the back of this car.

You, my friend, have a considerable
pair of berries on you.

Much bigger than mine.

I'm not sure where they are
at the minute, Chris.

Somewhere in my stomach.

I don't think I'll see it again
for weeks.

Oh, God!

Ugh, get this over with.

This is one of the most horrific
things I've ever done.

Finally, with everything set...

..we got the go-ahead.

Fred, it's your good friend,
Chris Harris, here.

OK. I'm going to give you a five,
four, three, two, one, and on "go",

you will go.

On my countdown.

Five, four... BLEEP! Here we go.

..three, two, one...

..go!

Oh, BLEEP! That wasn't good.

What was that?
BLEEP! What are you doing?

Are you messing me about here
or what?

I was all ready to go, I braced
myself and I've not done anything.

Fred, have you got the handbrake on?

BRAKE CLICKS

Whoa!

Oh. Oh, my God!

Aargh!

Whoa! The Metro!
It's managed to stay together!

Ha-ha! He's only gone and done it,
boys.

Go on, Harris, lad!

Chrissy Harris,
this is for you, son!

Come on, Fred!

0-60 in 2.7 seconds.

Stick it up you, you Ariel Atom!

We've got you covered!

Woo!

This beautiful little red car.

A beautiful car.

Get in!
HE LAUGHS

Jeez!

RADIO: Please let's have
a thumbs up. A thumbs up.

Thank you. Jeez!

I think this could end up being
my favourite car ever.

It's definitely going to be the
most memorable. That is for sure.

Metros, I salute you.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Wow!

Amazing, mate. Absolutely amazing.

I've got to say, Fred. You, my
friend, have absolutely no fear.

You've also got no brain cells

and I don't think you're going to
live to see your 50s.

But I'll tell you what -
very impressive.

It was all right. The worst thing
about it was waiting.

I was up there for so long and I
thought it was you messing about.

No, it was all the safety checks.

It wasn't the matter of a moment,
Fred. Really?

I thought you were
absolutely brilliant.

And we found your Top Gear niche.

Yeah, falling.
THEY LAUGH

Yeah, you proved my point
ultimately, didn't you?

You see, if you want to accelerate
faster than an Ariel Atom,

all you need is an old Rover Metro.

And a massive dam.

And a 50 person engineering team.

Yeah, and an ex cricketer
with no brain. Top stuff.

We'll be back next week

when we pick a fight with
the RAF's fightiest fighter jet.

And I show Land Rover how to build
a proper off-roader. See you then.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE