Top Gear (2002–…): Season 25, Episode 5 - full transcript


Hello, and welcome to Top Gear.

Coming up tonight, well, I don't
want to brag,

but we have made Britain better.

We've basically fixed all your
traffic issues.

We have done for your roads what
prunes do for your digestion.

Smooth running.


But first, OK, you know what
frustrates me about modern life?

How quickly things go out of date.

Phones, laptops, milk.


Huh? Even cars. Five minutes after
you buy something, it's an antique.

Designers cannot stop tweaking and
tinkering, but sometimes, sometimes

they nail it first time out.


This is the Piaggio Ape, and, yes,
this is a new car...

..thing, but it's also a

70-year-old car thing.


The Ape was designed to

squeeze down narrow streets..


..park anywhere, move stuff from
villagio to villagio.

That's Italian for village.
I looked it up.

Because people still
need to do that stuff,

it still makes sense today.

- Ciao, Joey! - Hey, ciao!

OK, the Ape isn't quick,

it has 20 brake horsepower and
a top speed of 40mph,

but that's really all it needs.

The perfect amount.

However, not all companies are quite
as successful as Piaggio.

Because there's another Italian
company celebrating

its 70th birthday,

but sadly they've had much more of
a struggle.

They're called Ferrari.

Yes, back in 1948, those guys took
their first shot at a road car.

It was called the 166 Inter.

But I guess it just wasn't good
enough, because, unlike Piaggio,

who nailed it first time out,

Ferrari have been tinkering
with their design ever since,

and their latest attempt
goes like this.


Say hello to the Ferrari 812...

A two-seat, rear-wheel drive
grand tourer.

This is the great-great-great-great

grandson of that original 166 Inter.

But, man, those Ferrari engineers
cannot stop tweaking.

Take this engine - where the old car
made about 100 horsepower,

this makes 800.

800 horsepower.

That's nuts!

And while they spent 70 years

figuring out how to cram in
all that power,

I guess they ran out of time
to give it a proper name.

Because this car's official title is
the Ferrari 812 Superfast.

That's right, Superfast.

That is literal.

That's like naming
your new dog Dog.

Now, in fairness, this car is pretty

It'll do zero to 60 in 2.8 seconds,

and has a top speed of 211 mph.

Oh, this 6.5-litre V12 is
a masterpiece.

No other word for it. It's the most
powerful naturally aspirated engine

ever found in a road car.

No turbos, no electric motors,

just cylinders and pistons turning

petrol into speed and noise.

Oh, this thing hauls ass!

Yeah, this is beautiful countryside.

But, boy, you've got to keep your
eyes on the road with this.

It's a little nervous.

Which could be a problem...

..because Ferrari calls this a grand
tourer, and beneath those sculpted

curves, it does have a comfortable,
leather-lined interior and room for

luggage, so it really should be the
perfect way to waft across Europe in

relaxed elegance.

This car, however, is about as
relaxing as a full body wax.

All that tweaking, all those

they've ended up with a road car
that's just too fast to use on

the road.

But who says we have to
stick to the road?

Because just over that hill is a
lovely little circuit called...



So stinking fast!

Out of a corner, onto a straight.
Bury your right foot - boom!

You're in the middle of the next
corner. Boom!

Next corner. Boom!

It is amazing, this thing. Wow!

My hands are sweating!



At Imola, you're never far from the
memory of where extreme performance

can lead.
But today, the science behind

keeping an 800 horsepower
road car in check

is nothing short of incredible.

The 812's got four-wheel steering,
it's got active aerodynamics,

it's got FFP, it's got FPO, it's got

SSC5, CST with F1 track.

No, I'm not sure what all that means
either, but it all works.

It just pulls so hard!

It does everything so...

What's he...? Oh!

You know how sharks can smell a drop
of blood from miles away?

You call it the Superfast, it's
going to attract him.

This thing's like catnip
for The Stig. It's Stignip.

You smelled it, didn't you?
It's nice, right?

You want to have a go, don't you?
Well, you can't, OK?

Now, go on, over there,
by the side of the track. Go on.

I didn't even know he had a nose.

So, intoxicating as it is,

does a race track actually help to
make sense of the Superfast?

Honestly, I'm not sure.

When the Ferrari F12,
this car's predecessor,

came along in 2012
with its 740 horsepower... know who said it wasn't fast
enough, it wasn't powerful enough?

No-one. Not a soul.

Then, a couple of years back,
Chris Harris drove the F12 TDF with

770 horsepower
and even he didn't want

more power, and he's greedy.

Now, we've got 800 horsepower.

And the longer you spend
with the Superfast,

the more you realise just how deep
the well runs.

Even here, on a big empty track,

even with all the technology,

I can't squeeze every drop of
performance out of the car.

Not many normal humans could.

To do that, you'd have
to be some kind of...


OK. Go on, then, big guy,
knock yourself out.

Oh, hey, Stig, be careful.
It's superfast.

We laugh.


OK, so the Ferrari 812 Superfast is
complete overkill.

You can't use all of it on the road.

And if you're made of flesh and
bone, rather than whatever the hell

The Stig is made of,

you can't use all of it
on the track either.

So, isn't it better, then, to know
when to say enough's enough?

After all, it worked for Piaggio.

In the end, you'd have to say...

This is Ferrari.

What else would you expect?

Sure, the 812 might be too fast
for humans,

but that's not Ferrari's fault.

It just means we humans
need to step it up.

And you know what that means...

..practice, practice, practice.



- Wicked. - What a machine. - Wicked.

- That looked
like a fantastic day out. - Yeah.

And, 800 horsepower!

Yeah, from a naturally aspirated
motor. It's incredible.

And I have to agree with you.
They call it a grand tourer, but it
just isn't, is it?

- No. - Because a grand tourer's meant
to be relaxing.

- Mm-hmm. - That's the opposite of

Yeah, yeah, but
I think I've figured it out.

You can't think of this as a grand
tourer, you just can't.

No, you have to think of this car
like tequila.

OK? Or Keith Richards.

Do you want to drink tequila every
day? No. Do you want to hang out

with Keith Richards every day? No.
But sometimes, sometimes,

you want to drink tequila

with Keith Richards.


- Rory. - Now, if you've got children,

you'll know the moment you tell them
they can't have something,

they instantly want it more than
anything in the world.

And that's why, when they told me
there was a new muscle car that's

banned from Europe, I was on the
first plane to America.

The outlaw in question is made by
Chevrolet, and it's called

the Camaro ZL1 1LE.

Sinister, menacing,

a study in barely restrained power.

This is the car that
Europe wouldn't let in.

And that's why I've come here,

to the Californian desert and the
Willow Springs Raceway,

to let it off the leash.


Yes! Camaro is a monster!

Oh, the power!


I love muscle cars.

They solve the problem of going fast
by applying brute force.

And if there's one thing this thing
has plenty of, it's brute force.

It's packing a supercharged V8.

It kicks out 650 horsepower,

650 lb-feet of torque.

I mean, that's more than a
Lamborghini Huracan.

Enough, in fact, to hit 60 in
3.5 seconds and top out at 190mph.

This car makes really far-away
things into suddenly

really quite close things.

And all of that power is going to

the rear wheels through an
old-school, six-speed, manual

And with all that power, it can
corner like an old-school

muscle car.


Oh, that's oversteer!

That's more oversteer.


That was too much oversteer!

Fun as this is, though, it isn't
what this Camaro is built for.

Because this is a muscle car with
brains beneath the brawn.

The 1LE bit of this car's
incredibly long name is basically

Chevy shorthand for
"All about the racetrack."

So those evil-looking wings and
fins actually work,

creating very
un-muscle-car-y downforce.

The tyres took Goodyear
three years to develop.

Even the suspension uses the same

dampers you'll find on
a modern Le Mans car.

A jock has taken a class in

Which means, drive it right,
and this muscle car

will pull a massive 1.1 lateral G
through the corners.

The grip in this is just enormous!

It's sticking. It's sticking!

How is it sticking?!

This is the most track-focused
Camaro in 50 years of Camaros.

And it all costs just $70,000 -

about 50 grand in the UK,

if you could buy it.

Which, of course, you can't.

You see these little aerofins at

the front of the car?

Well, these are technically illegal
under European pedestrian law -

specifically the ones that relate to
chopping people's feet off.

So the stuff that makes the 1LE so
perfect for Europe,

all the cornering stuff, well,

that's exactly the reason
we can't have it.

What do you know?
America does do irony.

And I'm sorry, Europe,

I'd love to tell you that
you're not missing out,

but the 1LE is a muscle car worthy
of European corners.

The question was, though, was this
European really worthy of the 1LE?

Because, from a standing start,

a car of this calibre will lap
the 2.5-mile Willow Springs

track in less than
one minute, 40 seconds.

And the producers have
asked me to prove it.

No sweat.

Oh, what a start!

Keep it tidy, keep it tidy.

Feed in the power.

OK, brake here.

This already feels good.

Patience, patience. Let's go, apex!



All of the power, all of the noise!

Oh, Mr Reid!

This is so quick.

OK, last corner.
I can see the finish line!

Oh, yes!

That, that was nice!

That was nice!

1.40 to beat.

All right, hit me. How did I do?

- RADIO: - That was one minute, 51, ten.

- What?! - One minute, 51, ten.

How?! Double check the stopwatch,

Depressingly, the producers
had assumed I'd be a little wide

of the mark and scrambled me
a tutor.

- Sabine! - Oh, hey,
my little guinea pig.

I think there's some work to do.

- Put this on. - Yeah.

- Yeah? - OK.

I'm kind of glad to see you.

So, to do the 1LE any kind
of justice at all,

I had a rather substantial
11 seconds to find.

And with Sabine
watching my every move...

- Are you ready? - Yeah.

..this would take focus.

Three, two, one...


What was that?

- OK. - Oh, man, Rory! - My bad.

- Please! - No, no, I can get
this. I can get this,

I can get this. One more, one more.
Come on. Don't give up on me yet!

So, OK...

- Yeah. - Three, two, one...


And we're moving!

Unimpressed by my nervy start...

When I say turn and now you turn...

..Sabine's teaching style
was direct.

Now! Give us apex!

Go, use the track!

OK, I'm going, I'm going, I'm going!

You leave so much room.

This is the fastest part
of the track.

I'm not scared. How can it be?

Scare me, scare me!

- Scare you?! - Scare me!

I'm trying!

To be honest, there was a lot
to take in.

It's so much pressure.

Go. Go!

And Sabine was relentless.



You want to be a racing driver?

- I'm trying! - Go!

But while my lap times
were coming down...

..I was still some way short
of the magic 1.40 mark.

1.43. This is rubbish.

- I came all the way from Germany
for that - BLEEP - time?


I don't know how to get quicker.
I just...

- I can't do it.
- Shut up, we go again.

Three, two, one...


With the day running on,
Sabine kept pushing...

My grandma would be much faster
than you!

..forcing me further
out of my comfort zone.

Mamma Mia!

- You said - BLEEP!

I am trying my best here.

Until finally...

- Push! - I'm pushing!


- BLEEP. - Straighten the wheel!


- Argh! - Woo!


I want you to push.
So to go through the dirt,

that's a good sign. That means
you're really pushing, Rory.

I don't know if you just realised,
but we almost died there.

- Oh! - OK? - Come on.

OK. Are we set?

- We try again.
- I think I need a minute!

I like that. I like that, Rory,
you must push.

You must hit the dirt, you must
go through dust.

Eat my dust, that's what we want
to see.

This woman is crazy.

But she was also completely right.

Take one big breath
and then just go for it.

Three, two, one...

- ..power! - Come on!

Apex, apex, apex, use the track.


What Sabine had been trying
to show me...

35 seconds to go.

Come on, come on, come on,
come on, come on. that a
genuine racer's lap time...

Come on!

..can only be found at
the very limit of control.

Be brave!


Three, two, one!


- Yes! - Woo! Yeah!

Come on!


Come on! Come on!

Good job. Good job, Rory.

I don't think this car could
have gone any faster whatsoever.

I maxed it out, man.

My turn.


In three, two, one...


So, the Chevrolet Camaro ZL1 1LE...

..part muscle car, part race car.

A specialised machine that takes
dedication and real bravery

to fully appreciate.

Come on!

First lap?!
I'm done, I'm done.


How much quicker was Sabine?

Doesn't really matter, does it?

The time, please, Rory.

Well, the thing about time is it's
just a human construct, isn't it?

Time, space, distance,
it's all relative.

If I go back in time and murder my
grandfather, I wouldn't even exist.

- Food for thought, Chris. - Rory!

All right, look, she was three
seconds faster than me, all right?

But it's not cos
she's a quicker driver,

it's cos I'm taller.
Think about it.

The amount it time it takes for
a thought to go from my head

all the way down to my right foot...

that's what's slowing me down.

Even by your standards,
that is pathetic.

It all adds up.
Can we just talk about the 1LE?

Yeah, it doesn't appear
to be here, Rory.

Well, look, I told you
it was banned from Europe.

- Yeah. - I'm not a smuggler.

I'm genuinely gutted it's not coming
over here.

I know everyone thinks that the
Camaros are pig-iron old muscle car,

- but it just isn't, is it?
- Not at all.

It's a genuinely world-class
sports car.

Kind of makes you want to move
to America, you know?

But then I think of all
that high-fiving,

and then the talking about your
emotions and stuff, and...

Oh, you're right. Do you want
to hug it out?

No, I do not.


OK, now it's time to put a star
in our reasonably fast car.

From Broadchurch, This Is England,
and Line Of Duty,

please welcome Bafta-winning
Vicky McClure.

Hi, welcome. Welcome to the show.

Have a seat.

- All right. - All right.
This is exciting.

How are you? How are you?

- Good? - My head's spinning a bit
after today's events, yeah.

It's a big day, yeah, yeah.

- You've always been into cars, right?
You're a big fan? - Yeah.

There was...
If anybody's from Nottingham,

they'll remember there was
something called The Circuit,

which was basically just, you know,
lads in their cars, and girls,

obviously, just racing around.

And finding any car park you can
do just do a few doughnuts.

So, you are a girl racer at heart?

Yeah, I mean, it was a big part
of my past.

When we first got cars, we was all
into Golfs, you know, Mk1,

Mk2, all the old-style.

And I used to go to places like
GTI International and Santa Pod and,

you know, we'd camp out and, yeah,
it was great.

And what did you think of the
mighty GT 86?

Wow, what an experience,
but there was no stereo.

If I need a bit of speed,

I need some sort of aggressive music
on, so...

Well, you don't need aggressive
music on the training lap.

- You've got Mr Aggressive right
here. - Yeah, no, yeah.

I wasn't being that aggressive.

And you didn't need any music
to make you any faster.

There are two types of people that
turn up to do the lap with us.

There are those that need to be
coaxed to go faster,

and there are those that need to be
sort of reigned in a bit.

This one was in the latter category.

Come on, let's have a look.

Vicky, welcome to the Top Gear
test track.

- Thanks. - Thank you for bringing
the sunshine,

cos it's normally
utterly miserable here.

- No track days before? - No.

Do you like driving fast?

- Yeah. - Do you often use the closed
roads of Line Of Duty

- to explore your own limits?
- Yeah, if I can, yeah.

- OK, good, let's go. - OK.

Here we go.

- Second. - Oh, my God, what is that?

- Second. - Oh, my God, I'm thinking
I'm driving a - BLEEP - automatic!

I'm not saying anything.

Imagine you've got some baddies
to catch.

- OK. - OK.

- So, around the corner are baddies.
- Yeah.

Turn the wheel, you'll be fine,
you'll be fine.

- That's good speed. - Whoa!

You can hear a bit of noise,
but it's gripping.

It's gripping.
We're going to the right now.

To the right now.

Gosh, you're not shy, are you?

- Am I not? - Are you quite like your
character in Line Of Duty or not?

- A little bit. - Are you?
To the left.

Are you going to get the butt of
a handgun out and knock me out?


OK, left-hand side.

Full-on, gas, gas, gas, gas, gas,
gas, gas.

- Come on! - Keep it going.
- Got to get the criminals!

Now just look straight to the
white tyres

- and go straight towards them...
- Whoa! - Woohoo! Woo!

Brake, brake, brake, brake,
brake, brake.

- Now that's fast, that's fast.
- Whoa! - Left, left, left.

We're in, we're in,

Intervention! And brake.

- I went too fast. - And left now,
left. - Here we go. - Over the line.

Stop. There we go, well done.

Now, I think there's a very, very
fast time in you.

- The track conditions are good.
- Yeah.

- The car feels good. - Yeah.

You look confident.

I just, I just... I think, I think
we're on the cusp,

- the cusp of greatness.
- OK, good. If you think that...

Not that I'm putting any pressure
on you at all.

- Nice one, Chris. - Best of luck.


If you don't go quickly,
I'm going to get fired.

Definitely, definitely competent.

Like, I've seen that face in the car
during the training laps much, much

- more nervous than that.
- Oh, OK. - So, that looked pretty good.

I wasn't remotely nervous.

And it was the best example of,
"Oh, it's not an automatic,"

- I've ever come across. - No, I know,
I just couldn't...

I was like, "What's wrong
with the car?"

- "It's not going any faster."
- I didn't quite know what to say.

It just didn't accelerate
and you were thinking,
"It's not going any faster."

Yeah, I was blaming it on the car.

All right, let's talk Line Of Duty.
Huge hit, and you've signed up

- for two more seasons? - Yeah, there's
season five and six to come.

- That's great. - So, we don't
start shooting series five

until end of this year.

Now, I heard that you tried to
steal a prop from one of the

- shoots one time. - Basically,
I did some gun training,

because we did a lot of gun work
in series three.

And I was at the range learning
how to use a gun

and I had to go straight to
Belfast Airport to get my flight

to Nottingham.

And I was in the queue, just about
to put my case through security,

and I took my scarf off and I heard
something fall on the floor,

and I thought,
"Oh, it's a piece of my jewellery."

No, it's the casing of a bullet...

..that had... Obviously,
they're flying back at you

when you're using the guns,
and I didn't even

realise and I just panicked,
I didn't know what to do.

I wasn't Kate Fleming at all.
I abandoned my case.

Brilliant thing to do in the middle
of an airport in Belfast.

I was like, oh... I just had to get
rid of it because there was no way

I'd get through security, obviously.

What did you do with it?

I just put it in the bin.

- Why not? - And then rang production in
a real panic because, you know,

they're all numbered and they'll be
traced back to, you know, wherever,

and I was like, "Oh, you're not
going to believe what's happened."

Managed to get through all right.

Now, you're a big motorsport
fan too.

- Yeah. - And you have one particular

Yeah. Rossi. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Me too.

- There he is. - Legend.

- Yeah. - Legend. Legend.

- Yeah. - What's your favourite Rossi

There's so many. I just find
that he's so entertaining.

Not only is he just an incredible

he's got all the charm, hasn't he?

The race in 2009 with Lorenzo at

- that was just, you know. - Oh, yeah.
- They were on the same team.

It was, like, back and forth, it
was, like, nail-biting stuff.

In our spare time we watch this
stuff the whole time.

Yeah, yeah. I'm not... But
the thing is it's, you know,

even watching it again it's just so
entertaining seeing how, you know,

they were overtaking each other and
undertaking each other.

- It was a great lap, yeah.
- It was just, yeah.

- We have a clip of it here.
- Oh, great.

OK, last lap, Rossi in the yellow
with his foot down,

Lorenzo out front.

Here we go, here we go, here we go.

Team-mates, one Spanish, one
Italian, Valentino the Italian.

Here we go.

Oh, that's tight.

Just the lean angles are incredible.

All right, coming
into the last turn.

Now, in the last corner here no-one
ever passes going into this last

right-hander so Lorenzo doesn't
protect the line.

What happens? Oh!

He got right by.

That's good stuff, and win the race.

Look at that. He's the man.

- CHRIS: - He is the man. - He is the man.

And they're excited.

You get more action in one lap than
you do in a season of Formula 1,

- don't you? - Yeah. - Yeah.
- It's pretty incredible.

I did go to Moto GP once
and it was, you know.

- Oh, yeah. - What an experience just
seeing him ride.

- He's great for the sport too. - Yeah.
- Yeah, yeah.

All right, shall we talk
about your timed lap?

Oh, God, I'm so nervous.

Now, before we show the lap,
there was, um...


When you were in the car by

- Yeah. - Your language...


Your language, I'll say,
dipped a bit.

Right. A little bit fruity?

- We put together a little clip for
you. - Oh, no! - So this should be fun.

Check this out.

- Turn the - BLEEP - wheel

and accelerate
you knob, it's fine.

- Clutch up. - BLEEP.

- Straight out. - BLEEP.

Oh, well, come on, you can do it.

- Let the - BLEEP - clutch up,
you little - BLEEP.

- Feel the - BLEEP - grip, man.

- Feel the - BLEEP - grip, man.

- This bit is so - BLEEP - hard.

- Don't - BLEEP - stress.

- It's all - BLEEP - gravy.

Oh, no!


- Wow! - Ah...

Yeah. Naughty, naughty, naughty.

Is your mum watching?

Oh! That's why
I talk like that.

Yeah, no, they'll be fine.

- So... - Yeah, I'm... - Shall we
take a look at the real lap?

Yeah, let's take a look.

All right, let's take a look at the
real timed lap.


Better move out the
way, birdie,

coming through!

Now, accelerate. I'm sure he said
accelerate here.

No brake.

Sorry, this is the bit that I'm
supposed to commentate over but I
was so gripped.

OK, nice dry conditions.

Using most of the circuit.

This was the problem for you
in the training laps,

getting the angle right and turning
at the right point and getting on
the gas.

That looks neat and tidy
through Chicago.

Great conditions for driving in,

Why am I turning posh?

I need to brake really hard here.

- Like, now. - Good braking point.

Round the Hammerhead.

This turn is so turny.

Really working with the phraseology
as well.

OK, power through, power through,
come on.

Down the back straight.
Get to the left.

Come on! For the ladies!

For the ladies. I was telling you
to get left.

That's fast through the

Now you've got to link through to
the tyre wall.


Looks good. Braking in...

Using all of the exit there.

We're on the finish line.
Just throw it through! Come on!

Over the line.


Very good.

That looked good.

That was clean. Clean is fast.

I didn't hear a lot of tyre noise.

That was clean.

- I gave it all I could, I think.
- A clean, competent lap, I think.

Yeah. Do you feel confident?

No, I'm not feeling confident.

- Why not? - I just don't want to be at
the bottom

and I just want to be up there.

All right. Well, where do you think?
Where do you think you've come?

I'd like to think I'm in the 40s.

- But. - Uh-huh.

I don't know. Midway is going to be

- I think you're being cruel.
- I'm not being cruel!

You're just stringing it out like
you always do.

- That's my favourite part of the
show. - You are stringing it out.

- Just give me the time! - All right?

- Yeah. - Yeah? - Yeah. Let's see.

- Are you sure you want to know?
- Oh, you're just...

This is... Come on.

- All right, let me just have a...
Ooo. - Oh, daren't look.

Are you sure you...

- All right. - Right.

- Vicky McClure. - Honestly.

You went around our humble
little track

in one minute...



- point three. - Wow!



Well done.

That's mega. That's awesome.

- Congratulations. - Yeah. - That's good.
One for the ladies.

My one for the ladies.

- Ladies and gentlemen, Vicky McClure!
- Thank you. Well done.

Good job, coach.

- Very, very good people.
- All right, here we go.

You see, I love Britain with your
food and your summer

and your dentists.

But there is one tiny problem we
need to talk about.

This is where you'll find it.

Lurking on the back roads of

The greatest menace to motoring
today is, of course...

..the tractor.

Now, don't get me
wrong, I love the tractor.

On the farm, no complaints.

But out on the open road...

..not so great.

The problem is, all of that.


Doesn't it go any faster?

- No, it doesn't. - Well, put your foot
down. - My foot is down.

- That can't be full throttle.
- That's as fast as it goes.

This is embarrassing. Look at
the queue of traffic behind us.

Yes, for too long now the tractor

has been the bane of British


Holding up traffic
and stirring up road rage.

How do you look angry in a
Citroen Cactus?

The Citroen Cactus is a
friendly car.

But he's spitting on his own

That's a long line.



Oh, that's a gesture you don't see
very often.

Clearly, something has to be done.

And luckily for Britain,
I may just have the answer.

Where are we going?

I have got a plan, my friend.

The Top Gear Agricultural
Technology Centre.

- All right, down you get.
- What do you mean, down I get?

Down you get. Hop out.

- Why? - Well, I've got a problem to
solve so I'll see you later, buddy.

- What? - You go on home, put your feet
up and relax, OK?

Go home, how, mate?

Well, there's a bus...every

But it's Thursday.

Now, as the proud owner of no less
than four tractors,

you could say I'm a bit of an

So, it was time to roll up
my sleeves and get to work.

Here we go.

And with my master plan in place,

the roads of Britain would be saved
in no time at all.

At last, it was ready.

My creation was alive and I could
not wait to show it off.

So, I got a text from a very excited
Matt telling me to be at the

production office 8am sharp.

He's now late.

This better be good, it's cold and
wet, I'd rather not be here.

Oh, it was good.


What's that noise?

It was very good.



Behold, the Track-tor.

- Huh? - What, tractor? It's a tractor.


Track, with a K, tor.


Clever name, genius design.

Because the Track-tor is powered by
a 5.7-litre Chevy V8 with 500

horsepower, all wrapped up

in the fastest colour known to man.

That's Lamborghini orange.

Now, that's a company that started
out making tractors but now makes

supercars, and I've made essentially
a super tractor.

I'm aligning the universe
and it is great.

Now, look at these tyres.

That's an American tyre,
the Super Swamper.

When I was a kid, I would look at
four-wheel drive magazines and that

was the tyre you wanted
on your truck.

- Super Swampers? - Yeah, those are

Look at these headlights up front.
Do you recognise these?

My brain's a bit frazzled, mate.

You've just turned up with a 500

Pulled off an equally tubular
chassised open cockpit...

- Ariel Atom. - Yeah, there you go.
- Ariel Atom. It is quite an object.

Why is there a brush down there?

Muddy, ploughing your fields -
that spins, rotates,

you clean your boots off before you
get back in.

It's a toilet brush, Matt.

Well, it may have started out as a
toilet brush but now it's attached
to a drill motor underneath there.

Has it ever seen service
in a toilet before here,

or was it new when you put it on?

Not important.

What is important...

Hey, hey. how fast this tractor goes.

Time to find out.

OK, water temperature, oil
temperature, what's that one there?

- This one? - Yeah. - Barometer.

We're farmers.


Are you ready?

Oh, I love it!

It's fantastic!



We're pioneers, Chris.

This is 50. 50mph.

Twice the normal tractor speed.

And it feels like a sensible
maximum for today.

Sensible? This is Top Gear,
we're not sensible.


You know what the world speed record
is for a tractor?

Weirdly enough, no, I don't.

OK, it's 80.87mph.

- I think we can beat it with this.
- No.

Yeah. Helmets on.

Target, 81mph.

That's 60.

That's 70.

It's now all beginning to wobble
and shake.




Maybe sort of stop there.


- Dear God. - We don't have
enough runway.

But we didn't start at the end.

Oh, so you want to have another go?

Hell, yes, I did.

What was that? That was your brush!

That was your toilet brush!

- Oh, well, we don't need that.
- We might do, mate.

We might well do.

Ah, we'd be fine.

So, at the risk of skid marks not
just being left on the track...

..we got ready for a proper run up.

Come out of Hammerhead, we can
carry more speed onto the runway.

I bet you we can get it.

All right, this is the one.

Now we're doing 50 by the time
we go over where we were last time.

59. 60.

Come on, baby! Come on!

68. 69.

70. Come on! Ten more miles
an hour.

It's starting to shake a bit now.

Keep going!

76. It's cooking now.

- 77. I can't see because of the
smoke. - Come on.


80! Yes! Keep going, keep going,

- I got it buried! - 80! We're
going to do it.

- 81mph! - That's it!


- 81mph! - 81mph, baby! - Yeah!

That's what I'm talking about!



There you go, piece of cake.

And final testing complete,

it was time to take the Track-tor
on its very first road trip.

And, immediately, it was the best
tractor road trip in history.

Look behind us, what do you see?

- Nothing. - Exactly.

# Get your motor running

♪ Head out on the highway... ♪

The tractor is no longer
holding up Britain.

Those days are over, my friend.

And the people of Britain loved it.

Hi, everyone.

People are responding well to it.

It's a crowd pleaser.

It does bring a whole new meaning

to the phrase Chelsea tractor,
doesn't it?

♪ Born to be wild... ♪

Oh, look, it's the speed awareness

They're all right, they were

And for good reason.

In fact, the Track-tor
was so impressive

it was time to do something other
tractors can only dream of.


Oh, really?

We are literally putting British
agriculture in the fast lane, huh?

You're in the slow lane, mate.

I know, I'm not a mad man.

We are literally putting British
agriculture NEAR the fast lane.

The roads of Britain were saved.

OK, I'm going to go for it.

All right, here we go.

We've just overtaken a Porsche
Boxster in a tractor.

Now, that is progress, my friend.

Give me five.

Now, the producers did have one

Specifically, is the Track-tor
actually a tractor?

Unwilling to take our word for it,

they told us to head to a local
farm for some tests,

which, of course,
we reached in no time at all.

We are about to start an
agricultural revolution.

And, clearly worried they'd be made
to look foolish,

the producers had pulled out
the big guns.

We would be up against the fiercest
competition the tractor world

had to offer.

The New Holland T7,

driven by none other than Britain's
reigning Farmer Of The Year.

Chris, that's Robert Neill.

- Who? - You know that farming calendar
I keep telling you about,

the Muddy Turnip? He's January.

- How's it going? - Yeah, great, thanks.

- You're Robert Neill. - Yeah, I am.
- Matt. - Matt, pleased to meet you.

- Yeah. Yeah. This is Chris. - Hi,
Chris. - Pleased to meet you. - And you.

Yeah, wow. Big pleasure.

Big fan. Farmer Of The Year.

- Yeah, that's right. - Is that what you
used to do it?

- That New Holland T7? - Yeah, yeah,
we've got two of them.

- Nice. - Yeah. - Big.

- Slow. - Precise.

245 horses.

- Is it? - Yeah.

- 500. - Can it do the job?

Of course it
can do the job, and quick.

- What time do you get up in the
morning? - About 6.30.

In this you could have a lie-in
till, what, noon?

Yeah? Get all your work done by

then you have a little time left
over for, I don't know,

spending it with the kids.

But enough talk.

It was time for a demonstration.

And we'd start with hedge cutting.

Turning overgrown bush into neatly
trimmed perfection.

The best tractors will produce a
precise and level finish with

- minimal casualties. - What happens if
I cut the tyre?

Something bad's going to happen.

So, with half a field length each
to attack,

the winner would present the neatest
hedge in five minutes.

- Come on! - Go, go! Go, go, go!


Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa,
whoa, whoa!

Oi! What are you doing?

Now, it turned out the Track-tor did
lack a little precision.

Oh, my God, I'm in the middle of
the bush.

Not too deep! Not too deep!

Stop! Stop! Stop!

Stop! Stop! Stop! Stop!

I think I killed the scarecrow.

However... more than made up for
it with speed.

We can get two passes to his one.

Good man, let's go.

And a relaxed attitude to safety.

- Oh! - Ow!


What is wrong with you!

- Yes! - Yes! - We won!

- We must have won that. - Woohoo!

I mean, we have executed that with
style and with speed.

I think we can call that a win for
the Track-tor, right?

No chance. It's wild.

That was the look
we were aiming for.

If it was art I'd say that yours was
a very accurate line drawing.

I mean, technically, it's competent
but it's soulless.

- Yeah. - Whereas, we've taken the
canvas and we've just explored it.

- I think you did great. - I think we
can call that a win, can't we?

- Well done. - Yeah.

Before Robert Neill could object...

..we moved on to the next challenge.

And because any good tractor needs
to ready the fields for new crops,

this...was ploughing.

But while the New Holland had been
equipped with

the standard, cumbersome
ten-blade plough,

we had opted for a
motorsport-inspired ultralightweight

three blader.

Did you read the manual for the

Up and down.



That's us.

So, each with an acre of field
to plough

the winner would be the
first one to finish. Obviously.

Are we looking good?

Oh, look how slow he's going. We've
got this in the bag, buddy.

- Get ready. Lift it. - I'm lifting it.

- She's up. She's up.
- We're kicking his butt.

As predicted, the Track-tor
was majestic.

Oh, it's beautiful. Poetry.

In fact, we were so much faster than
the super farmer...


Oh, this is so much better.

..we may have become just a little
over exuberant.

Oh, we just lost our weight.

We're going to not want to hit

# We plough the fields...

Down! Down! Down!

Down! Down! Down!

# ..the good seed on the land

Too deep! Too deep!

♪ But it is fed and watered by God's
almighty hand. ♪

Up! Up!
Will you pay attention!

Even with Chris's carefree attitude,
the Track-tor surged ahead.

And, frankly, you can forgive a
little free-spirited fieldwork when

victory comes this easily.

Look at that.

- We are done. - Woo!

I think that you
can call that a right spanking.

And Robert Neill did not look happy.

You're the current holder of
Farmer Of The Year.

- Yeah. - But Matt, he was mentioning
this earlier,

Matt feels that now he's beaten you
he should really,

like a boxer having the belt, do you
think you could hand over the...

I don't think so. If you were hired
here you'd be now fired.

- For what? - For making such a mess.

- What are you talking about? - You're
supposed to bury all this stubble.

A nice and clean finish.

- Says who? - Me, I'm the farmer.


Because the Track-tor's triumphant
performance so far clearly

had the producers rattled,

for our final challenge they benched
Robert Neill, Farmer Of The Year,

and threw down the ultimate farming

Oh, look, it's a sailor farmer.

Oh, Captain Birdseye does a great
fish finger.

- Thank you. - Legend.

A challenge. OK.

"Field to frozen."

Oh, I know what this is. This is out
of the ground and into the freezer,

locks in the freshness.

- OK. - "To prove the speed of your

"you will harvest the vegetables
from this field and transport them

"to the freezer section of the local
village shop eight miles away.

"The industry standard for this is
two hours and 30 minutes, therefore,

"you must do it in 23 minutes."

That doesn't even make mathematical

No. OK, hang on, there's more.

And to assist you we've enlisted the
help of the fastest farmer

in the west - Stig.

Where's he?

Oh, there he is.

Oh, look, he's made a friend.


I wonder what that
conversation was about.


A field of carrots now stood
between the Track-tor

and its place
in farming history.

And with the driving in safe hands
we were free to do the picking.

And there wasn't an existing piece
of carrot-harvesting equipment you

- could have bought? - Not for this, no.

- What's the strategy, then? - You pick
the carrot and you put it in the

- basket. - That's it? - Well, as fast as

All right, we've got 23 minutes.

- You got the stopwatch?
- I've got the stopwatch.

Time, then, to go harvesting.


OK, pick!

Grab them!

Now, there are a few good reasons
why carrots aren't usually picked
like this.

How much development work have you
actually done on this?

I can't reach them.

I can reach them fine.

And, look, I can't do R&D with your
little arm, can I?

Come on, now, reach out there.

Are you picking carrots, or what?

And our driver didn't make things
any easier.

Stig! Slow down!

Why are you going so fast?

But these important lessons aside...

Go round again, Stig.
Go round again.

..soon we had our harvest.

Right, Stig, stop!


Next, eight miles to the shop.

Right, we're against the clock.

And we had just 12 minutes
to reach it.

All right, here we go.

How are the carrots? Keep them cool.


We don't want soggy carrots.

We want nice fresh carrots
at the store.

Look. Look at that. That is rigid
and firm, that carrot.

- OK, good. - Look at that. Standing to

- Leave that carrot alone.
- OK, sorry.

Back on the road, the Track-tor was
in its element.

Right here. Right here. Right here.
Come on.

Lovely Impreza there. Look at him.

Shop's up here on your left.
On the pavement. On the pavement.

OK. Shut it! Shut it down.

Shut it down.

And with just a minute to spare...

OK, come on. Come on. Come on. Come
on. Come on. Come on.

Come on. Freezer. Freezer.
Freezer, anyone?

- Freezer. - Here we go.
Here we go.

- Where? - Here! Here. Here. Here.

- There we go.
There we go. - OK.

What are you taking them out of the
bag for?

Well, we want them to look nice.

- Nice and neat. Arrange them.
- 30 seconds!

- 30 seconds, OK. - 30 seconds.

- OK, come on. - Put the bag in there.

- Come on! Come on! Come on!
- OK, OK, OK, OK, OK, done.

- Done! - Ten seconds to spare.

Stick that in your fish's face,
Captain Birdseye.

Nice job.

Mission accomplished, my friend.

- You're welcome. - Bye.
- Carrots for sale.

And that is how you do that.


All right, welcome back.

You're watching Pimp My Tractor.

Come on, how great is this?

When Lewis Hamilton retires to his
farm, this is what he'll be driving.

I admit I was sceptical
but it's brilliant.

- Right? - Yeah. - Honestly,
invention-wise it goes like this -

fire, computers,

the Track-tor. Right?

Guys, guys, I hate to point out the
glaring flaw in all of this.

The problem is,
you've only made one tractor.

- This thing's awesome!
- Right, I know, I know.

It's the greatest thing ever and
what we have to do is tell the world

about it. So, I've come up with a
marketing video.

Have a look at this and we'll see
you next week. Goodnight.

Hello again. This week on
Countryfile I'll be looking around
the peaceful

surroundings of the Cotswolds,

the largest Area of Outstanding
Natural Beauty...

Well, this is a place to be...

Goodness me! What on Earth is that?

Thriving populations of...

You've got to be kidding me!

That's freezing!