Top Gear (2002–…): Season 24, Episode 4 - Episode #24.4 - full transcript

Chris Harris and the £2m Bugatti Chiron attempt to cross the Arabian peninsula faster than Matt LeBlanc and a roster of money-no-object transport solutions. Back in Britain, Rory Reid constructs a life-size arcade game to test the Renault Twingo GT and its city car rivals, while rap star Tinie Tempah tackles the Top Gear track in the Reasonably Fast Toyota GT86.


and welcome to Top Gear.

On tonight's show,
we've got a world exclusive

on four wheels
and on two wheels.

That's right,
we're doing a bike.


But first, if you like
huge horsepower hypercars,

and if you're watching this,
it's safe to assume
that you do,

now is a great time
to be alive.

There's not a week that
goes by without another

million-pound monster
appearing on the scene.

But where did it all begin?

Well, here's Chris Harris
with a quick history lesson.

CHRIS: Once upon a time,
there was a car
called the Bugatti Veyron.

Volkswagen's passion project,

it launched in 2005
and promptly rewrote
the rulebook.

Not only was it
the world's fastest,
most powerful production car,

it cost an unprecedented
one million euros.

This was Hypercar 1.0,
and without it,

we might never have seen
the likes of the McLaren P1,

the LaFerrari,
or the Porsche 918 Spyder.

But now it's gone,
and been replaced by this.

The new two-million pound
Bugatti Chiron.

Like the Veyron,
it has an eight-litre,
sixteen-cylinder engine

with four turbochargers.

And, because this is the car
to replace the Veyron,

you would expect it to pack
some sort of
extra-futuristic shove.

But you'd be wrong,
because this is basically
a very modified Veyron.

The same huge petrol engine,
four-wheel drive system,

it's all been
tinkered and improved.

But this is the old formula.

So if the Veyron
was revolutionary,
the Chiron, I'm afraid, isn't.

But it does have

1,500 horsepower.

And that, well,
that's a really long runway.


I'm quite nervous.

I don't really know
how you prepare yourself
for this,

so I think
you just go, don't you?

Oh, my God.


That's 100.

That's 125.
That took six seconds.

That's 190.

That's 200,

250 and I'm trying
to read the speed
and look ahead.



231, 233.

and that's the limiter there.

That is
absolutely mind-bending.

I'm sorry, but that

needs another go.


This is insane.

You can almost hear it
gulping down the fuel.

The Veyron can empty
its 100-litre fuel
tank in 12 minutes.

This thing can do it in nine.

And the force on those tyres?

3,800 Gs.

Which means at this speed,

the 12-milligram valve caps
weigh 13-and-a-half kilograms.

This is the edge of physics.

At this speed,
the Chiron is gulping
1,000 litres of air a second.

Drink in, Mr Chiron,
get it down you!

That's a drug.

That's a drug.

I know it's just going fast
in a straight line,

but just
the motive force required
to smash you through the air.

Now, if you're thinking,
"Hang on, the Veyron goes
quicker than 236,"

well, you'd be right.

But so does the Chiron.

You see the Chiron
is a two-key vehicle.

The first key nestles
on the dashboard here,

and that gives you
236 miles an hour,

but down here,
there's another one,
see if I can find it.

There you go, look at that.

Put that
and turn it down there,

and you're allowed
261 miles an hour.

And, because Bugatti
are still testing the tyres,

even that speed
is still limited.

How fast will it go?

270, maybe 280?

I think we can speculate
that at some point
during its life,

the Chiron might well do
300 miles an hour.

(SOFTLY) 300 miles an hour.

It goes like a two-million
pound car should then.

But what about
the way it looks?

When I first saw
pictures of the Chiron,
I was totally underwhelmed.

It looked too much
like a Veyron.

But now I'm here with it
in the raw,

I can get a sense of
proportion and the details,
and it really works.

This lovely C
that houses the air intakes,

then round the back here
to this floating light bar,

massive diffuser
and huge wing.

It's a stunning looking thing.

The only problem
is this rather nasty
three-dollar door handle.

But otherwise, well,
it looks every inch
the two-million pound car.

As does the interior.

It isn't complicated
by huge screens

or rows of
unfathomable buttons
and switches.

Bugatti intends the Chiron
to be timeless, elegant.

Then again, no one ever
criticised the old Veyron
for feeling cheap.

But they did criticise it
for being a bit, well, dull.

You see, it was admired
but never really adored.

It was so competent,
so stable,
it all felt a bit joyless.

With the Chiron though,
Bugatti has started
to have some fun.

To start with,
it's got adaptive
dampers all round,

so they can slacken off
and make the car comfortable
when it needs to be,

and firm and responsive
when it needs to be.

And the steering
is a different world
to the Veyron.

It's now electro-mechanical,
it's into the wrists.

The car now feels
so much more agile,
but easier to place as well.

It's got a front end
you can lean on.

And with
the four-wheel drive system
revised as well,

there's even mention
of the D word.


Yes, Bugatti says
this thing will drift.

So I suppose we'd better
find out, hadn't we?

This is my (BLEEP)
don't-crash-it face.


Whoa! Like wrestling a shark!


The traction is mega.

All the power goes to
the back wheels,

then it throws
all to the front

and you have to just
grab armfuls of lock.


Trail brake a bit,
get the rear to rotate,
then follow the gas on.



You can drift a Chiron.

Now of course, I'm not saying
Bugatti has gone and built

some P1-918-LaFerrari-baiting
track weapon.

The truth is, the more time
you spend with the Chiron,

the more you get
the impression
those three upstarts

don't even feature
on its radar.

What Bugatti has built here
is a car with
a different purpose.

Above all else,
the Chiron is about
straightforward speed.

And when it comes to speed,
it has no equals.

You could talk about
which one of the McLaren,

the Ferrari and the Porsche
you would buy,

but you don't with the Chiron.

You either buy a Chiron,
or no Chiron.

There is no competition.

A class apart then.

the Chiron isn't the Veyron.

It doesn't
rewrite any rulebooks

or change the way
we look at the automobile.

But there's something
oddly appealing about that.

This is no longer
the Volkswagen Group

trying to demonstrate
its technological superiority.

It just wants to go really,
really fast.

It wants to win
at car Top Trumps.

That's a pleasingly
pig-headed aim, in my book.

And talking of
going very, very fast...

Come on, if you were me,
you would, wouldn't you?



I'll never tire of this.


MATT: Amazing.


I'm a, a very, very lucky boy.

That's the fastest
I've ever been in a car.

Okay. Now, you hit the limiter
at 236 miles an hour, right?


Okay, so I got to ask you,
you had the second key,

why didn't you use
the second key
and hit the limiter at 261?

-I knew you'd ask that...
-Of course
I'm going to ask you that.

Look, this car isn't
quite finished yet,
Bugatti's still working on it.

That's the reason
it can't go round our,
our lap by the way,

-it's not quite finished.
-Ah, okay.

Um, it's so complicated,
it's a leap into the unknown.

They're still
developing it, um,

and I was sort of part of
that development
process actually.

-You are so selfless.

Risking your life for
the millionaires of the world.

I mean, it's amazing.

It's not a millionaire's game,
this is a billionaire's game.

-Yeah, yeah.

Let me give you some stats.
Bugatti tells us

the average Chiron
owner has 42 cars...

-...two yachts,
and 1.6 helicopters.


Okay, which point six of that
second helicopter
do they have, though?

-The expensive bit.

-(LAUGHS) Yeah.

of all the mind-bending stats,

I think the tyres
might be the most
mind-bending part of this car,

because when Bugatti
developed this machine,

it had to go faster
than anything else
had gone before,

so it went to Michelin and
said we need a new tyre,
and Michelin said, "Okay."

But they'd never tested a tyre
to 300 miles an hour before.

So they had to test it
on their aircraft rig
to get the tech right.

And that's how you have to
think of this car.

It's, it's not so much a car,
it's like a, a land-based jet.

Yeah. All right,
let's think of it that way.

And we're not
done with the Chiron,

because later in the show
this car

is taking part in
a very, very special race.

Trust me, you don't want
to miss that one.

-That's right.

This has the most horsepower
of any Top Gear film ever,

and that's not all because,
and I don't think
I'm giving away too much

when I say that tonight's show
also features

an exclusive appearance
from the Smart fortwo.

-Yeah, right.

Get in there, Rory.

Now it's time
to welcome this week's guest.

I love this guy,
this is great. Okay.

He is the platinum-selling,
Brit Award-winning,

chart-topping megastar
who loves to go low.

Ladies and gentlemen,
Tinie Tempah.




TINIE: Well played, Matt.

MATT: Yeah!

-How's it going?
-Oh, man.

-Good, pretty good.
-Yeah, where do you
want me, here?

-Yeah, right there's good.

Oh, so glad to have you here.
Right? Come on.



Yeah, yeah.

This isn't your
first time here.

No, it isn't, actually.

So basically, um,
I was supposed
to shoot the video

for the song Girls Like
in Dunsfold,

I was supposed
to shoot it here,

and as soon as I got here
it was rainy,

rainy as hell, the light went
by like 3:00 or 4:00 p.m.,

so we couldn't do anything.

And then by 6:00 p.m.,
the director said
it was a wrap.

I watched the video back
and it was absolutely (BLEEP).

-It's the worst
video I've ever seen.

Worst video
I've ever seen in my life,

so then we had to rush over
to South Africa

to do Top Gear where we met.

Yeah, right.

And then after
we finished doing that,

then I got to
re-shoot the video
in South Africa.

So, actually Top Gear
and Girls Like
have a lot of synergy,

there's just a lot,
a lot there.

Speaking of Girls Like,
that kind of became
an unofficial Top Gear anthem.

Oh, yes.

On, on shoots,
everywhere we go,

you can always guarantee
this man is
playing Girls Like.

Oh, big Matt,
I appreciate that.

you are in his head 24/7.

I think he just likes the...
I don't... I'm not sure
he even likes the song,

he just likes "go low, go low,
everybody go low."

-That's what he likes.
-I love it.

You're a... You're a bigger
part of the show than
you think, you really are.

-I appreciate that, bro.
-That's on
the new album, right?

Yeah, it's on
the new album Youth
coming out pretty soon

and I'm excited, I've been
working on it for two years.

I'm like a Londoner,
it's an artist from the UK,

born and bred in London

and I wanted to be a rapper
when I,
when, when I was growing up,

and everybody
said it was naff,

you can never be a rapper,

a rapper would
never get on the radio
or get on a show like this,

and times have changed.
Youth is basically
a celebration of that.

You know, just doing something

that wasn't
really a thing before,
and it's a thing now.

Speaking of growing up,
what was your first car?

Oh, okay. So my first car
was a, uh, Vauxhall Corsa.

-Uh, 1.1, right, right.

-Humble beginnings.
-Yes, Y reg,

I remember that very vividly.

And I used to, outside
my mum and dad's house
there was a driveway,

and I'd literally, because
I wanted to like listen to
my music loud and stuff

I'd just keep the car
in the driveway,

invite all my friends
technically to my house,
but to the car.

So they'd get, no, no,
don't go in there,
come in here.

And it was literally
like my little kind of
like domain for a while.

What do you drive now?

Uh, at the moment, I'm driving
the Lamborghini Huracan.


We talked about this.
I thought you were going to
go get a Porsche.

Yeah, I kind of,
I, I don't know.

We spent a week together
and I realised that

you was talking a lot, bro,

and I was listening
to everything you were saying.


But you know you're with
like Matt LeBlanc,

it's like he's a legend,
I'm just like,

"Yes, Matt. Of course, Matt.
I will, Matt."

And I got home,
and I was like,

"No, I don't want the Porsche,
I want the Lambo."

Screw what he said.
I'm going for the Lamborghini.

-Yeah, screw,
screw his advice.
-And how do you like it?

It's good.
Yeah, it's a good car.

I'm quite glad he wasn't
the guest two weeks ago

when I was... (CLEARS THROAT)

Less than kind about
the Lamborghini Huracan.

What did you
say about it, bro?

I said it was a wonderful car
for wonderful people.


And I went
and got it matted as well,

so I got a matte black colour.

Ah, thank you.


Okay. What do you think?

Let's see how you did
in your training lap
with Chris

who just finished his, uh,
Tamsin Greig school
of social etiquette.

How'd it go out there
with him, good?

It was good man,
I've, I've heard a lot
of bad things about you, bro.


I heard a lot of bad things
about Chris, I wasn't
looking forward to it.

It was raining.
It was raining,

then we started getting
a bit of sunlight

but too much
so there was glare
on the windshield.

And I was thinking
this is probably
all because of Chris.


Like he's just got,
there's just
something about him.

-But event...
-He brings misery
to the world.

Yeah, he brings misery,
but then I started to
get upset,

and then after that
I started to realise

that he has got a soft,
quite a soft,
sentimental side.


'Cause as I started to
get quite worked up,

he was immediately there
to be like,

"No, don't worry, T.
It's all right."

Who, who has a soft,
sentimental side?

-MATT: Him?

-This guy over here, yeah.
-I'm very giving.

-Just watch the film.
-Whatever, okay,
let's take a look.

-Right, first gear please.
-All right.

-First gear please, Tinie.

-Handbrake off, please.
-Nice and positive.

-See, you like that?
-Yeah, I love it.

-Now just get on
with it, come on.

-It's really slippery.

And we both want to go home
with all of our limbs
working, yeah?

Yeah, nice and safe.

-Feel that understeer, baby.
-Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

-Now feel that
over steer on the exit.


Got it, got it, got it.
-Now you're alive.

Got to go left here
at that blue line,
to the left of the tyres.

Brake, brake, brake,
remember look for

the red line now
on your right hand side.

-It's there. It's there.
-Come on, T. Oh, spinning out.

understeer, understeer.
-Understeer, there we go.

-Am I within the line,
is that cool?
-That's good.

-That, that's brilliant,
up here.
-Right, cool.

-Let's go, you can do this, T.
-Admittedly, begrudgingly.

Come on, come on.

CHRIS: Brake, brake, brake,
brake or we're off.
Brake or we're off.


You know Toyota
make an off-roader as well?

-It's called the Land Cruiser.
-Is it?

-It's not this one, though.
-Oh, okay.

I'll bear that in mind
for next time.

-Good Lord.
-I got it.

And over the line.

-You're over the...
-Oh, over the line!

-Yes, you nearly
brake before the line.

The pressure's too much, man,
the... I don't know
if I can deal with this.

I'm going to get
high blood pressure.


Look, he, he dealt really well
with the conditions,

because it was so wet,
it was flooded.

The tyre wouldn't
deal with the water,
so we were aquaplaning,

and then the sun came out,
so he couldn't see
where the line was.

Ah, with all the reflection.

It was just like
a glass surface, wasn't it?

-It wasn't easy, bro.
-It was tough.

Yeah, that was, that was wet.

We'll see how you did,
your timed lap,
we'll check that out later on.


Now, usually these two get to
hoon about in Ferraris
and Lambos and such,

but a couple of months ago,
the producers told me

there was a new rear-engined
rear-wheel drive sports car

that I should take a look at,
maybe a rival for
the Porsche 911.

So I went to check it out.

And this is that rear-engined,
rear-wheel drive sports car.


I've been stitched
up here, haven't I?

It's called
the Renault Twingo GT

and, yeah,
like the Porsche 911,

it does have the engine
in the back,

and like the Porsche 911,
that engine does
drive the rear wheels.

But I'm calling foul
on the whole sports car thing.
I'm sorry.

What sport?

What is sporty about this?

Well, right now, not a lot.

Even on a dry day,
nought to 60 takes over
nine and a half seconds

and it's got a top speed
of just 113 miles per hour.

Those are not numbers
to worry Porsche.

Those are not numbers
to worry Porsche.
They're not numbers
to worry anyone.

They're not numbers
to worry anyone.

But according to Renault,
this really is a sports car.

Compared to
the standard Twingo,
the one driven by your nan,

the GT has bigger alloys,
firmer suspension
and twin tail pipes.

on the left-hand side only,

a small intake
which feeds cool air

into the three-cylinder
turbo charged engine,

which makes 20% more power.


All right,
that still only gives it
108 horsepower.

But that doesn't
actually matter,

because this Twingo
is a different kind
of sports car.

It doesn't need power.
It weighs less than a ton.
It's light.

And the GT
costs under £14,000.

So it's cheap.

This is a baby hot hatch.

And that is a very good thing.

Because unlike
a big hot hatch,

you're not paying
for anything you can't use.


Your Ford Focus RSs
and your Golf Rs and the like,

great cars
but they're so damn fast.

In Britain at least,
you can only use

a fraction of their firepower
a fraction of the time.

Not in the Twingo though.

You can keep your foot buried

for 20, 30 seconds,
safe in the knowledge

that it's not gonna kill you.

It's one of those cars
that encourages you to drive
like an absolute hooligan

and yet you always stay
on the right side of the law.

(LAUGHS) It's just a really
rewarding car to drive.


Okay, it's not a Porsche.

But it is good.

So, yes,
if your name's Chris Harris

and you commute to work
sideways over empty
sweeping moorland B roads,

the Twingo is going to
leave you a bit cold.

But, because
you're not Chris Harris,
and thank God, neither am I,

we don't commute
to work over empty,
sweeping moorland B roads.

We spend most of our time

in the city.

And that is what
the Twingo's all about.

Because there's no oily,
petrolly, motory stuff

jammed in by the front wheels,

I can get an insane amount
of lock on.

That means
it's a cinch to park.

It also means I'm agile,
I'm nippy,

I'm like a big,
orange hummingbird
on wheels.

What I'm saying is

you don't need
loads of horsepower
to have a good time.

Remember the Peugeot 205 GTI
from the '80s?

One of the best
hot hatches of all time.

And yet, the Twingo GT
has almost exactly the same
power and performance.

This car is retro.

And I do love a bit of retro.

The thing is, if you're after
a playful little city car

with that old-school appeal,

the Twingo does
have its rivals.

And helping find the right car
for you is something
we take very seriously.

Oh, yes.

Welcome to,
what for legal reasons

I'm obliged to refer to as,

the Top Gear arcade-based maze
re-creation challenge.

Yes, like all
classic arcade games,
here the rules are simple.

There's a big maze
covered in dots

and me and the Twingo
have three lives to drive
around eating said dots

without getting got
by the ghosts.

And by ghosts I do mean
similarly priced
city car rivals.

Ghost number one
is the Brabus fortwo.

It has the same engine
and performance
as the Twingo,

but only has two doors,
two seats
and for tonight at least,

is being driven
by a speedy German.

I see you, Man-Pac.

RORY: No, it's not Man-Pac,
it's... Never mind.

Ghost number two
is the new Volkswagen Up!

Yes, it might be
five years old,

but the king of
modern city cars
now comes with a turbocharger

to give it more zip.

Especially in the hands
of Mr Happy here.

Rory, do you know what
corrugated steel tastes like?

I'm sorry,
did they have arcade games
when you were growing up,

or were you part of the stick
and hoop generation?

Less talky, more smashy.

RORY: Right, three lives
to eat up all the dots

and one handy satnav map
to help me find them.

Get ready for
an arcade master class.


See you later, suckers.

-SABINE: Ah, he's going left!

Follow, Harris!

Catch me if you can, losers.

Give me them dots.
Give me them tasty dots.

-Yummy, yummy, yummy, come on.

(LAUGHS) This is good fun.

RORY: The one thing
I've got on my side

is that this is the most
manoeuvrable car of the bunch.

SABINE: My little Brabus,

such a tiny little thing,
and for this job just perfect.

CHRIS: Now officially, the Up
is the cheapest car here,

but it has
the highest top speed.

RORY: Which is of no use
in an arcade maze.

Bit of handbrake.

Yes! Whoo!

That was (BLEEP) great.

RORY: Oh, yes.

This is the best
city car bar none.

Oh, no, no, no, no, no, no!

-Come on!
-SABINE: We got him! (LAUGHS)

Come on!

I'm dead! Already.


RORY: Okay, two lives left,
and with nearly a third
of the maze cleared,

lots of dots still to eat.

Rory, you going to be
a bit less rubbish this time?



We're off, here we go.
Here we go.

Don't let them beat you, man,
don't let them beat you.

I'm right behind you,
right behind you.

Ah, Harris is quick.

He's quick.

SABINE: Go, Harris!

RORY: Immediately, the ghosts
were closing in again.

Go, go, go, go, go!

But no retro arcade game
would be complete

-without the odd...
-Here we go!

...power up.

(LAUGHS) Whoo!

SABINE: You hit me!

What are you doing?
What's the red light thing?

The red light means stop.

(ON RADIO) Grandad.

And that gave me
10 whole seconds
of ghost-free dot-munching.

I am on a dot spree now, baby.

I think you'll find
they're called biscuits.

Literally nobody
calls them biscuits.

Well, except old people.

Oh, we can go again.

Let's go!

Well, now,
now we're blocked in.


Ah, the turning circle,
the turning circle.

Hasn't quite got
the turning circle
of a Twingo, have I?

Ah, delicious dots.

Delicious dots! Mine!

And with Harris
still halfway through

his million-point turn...

Not gonna catch anyone
at this rate, am I?

RORY: I tried a new tactic.


Stay under the radar.

Off the grid.

CHRIS: Ah, we're away!
Right, come on.

Where is he?

Think stealth. Think ninja.

Rory! Where are you?

He's hiding, we'll find him.

I'm right behind him.

I'm right behind him.
He doesn't even know.

Yeah, my awesome
ninja stealth skills

let me sneak in
a few more dots before...

SABINE: I got him! I got him!


Yeah, I can see him.

Run away! Run away.

The city car ghosts
were back in the hunt.

I'm gonna catch you, Reid.

Yeah, which way, which way,
which way, which way?

CHRIS: Pincer movement.
SABINE: Got him!

Oh, no, no, no, no, no, no!

-SABINE: Whoo!


Dude, it's a brand new Twingo!

You're better than this, Reid.

still a load of dots left.

Last life.

No continues.

Rory, just give up.
You're not gonna win.

Come on,
Twingo, help me out here,
please, please, please.


You can do this,
you can do this.

Game time.

Hunting out
the last of the dots.

You're not supposed
to wreck all the lights, Reid.

RORY: The Twingo and I
were using every trick
in the arcade manual.

Dots, dots, I need dots.
Come on.

Which isn't even a thing.


Right, we've gotta stop him
getting these last biscuits.

I have an idea.

Come on, Twingo, come on.

Yes, yes!

The last dots, come on!

We were nearly there,
but with the last dots
almost within reach...

That's them. The last dots.

Let's go!


-Sabine had set up
a dot block.

Sneaky German ghost!

(YELLS) What?

Oh, no, you don't,
Mr French Shopping Trolley.

Ha, ha!

Ken Block who?

Good skills.

Oh, yes!

SABINE: Oh, no!
RORY: Here we go, here we go!

Yes, nearly there, Twingo.

That's them.
The last dots. Yes, yes!


RORY: Yeah!


We did it. We did it!

Oh, look, he's doing
a victory doughnut.


In. Your. Face!

It's not really a doughnut,
is it?

More a kind of crap teacake.


RORY: In. Your. Face!


RORY: Right.
Victory for the Twingo.

MATT: Victory for the Twingo.

Yes, that was,
er, that was great,
that was great.

You know, not a day goes by

where I don't find myself
trapped in a maze of
shipping containers

and wonder what would be
the best car
to help me escape.

-Now I know.
-Yeah, exactly, exactly.

You know what I like
about the Twingo, right?

It's the fact that
all city cars were kind of
all becoming the same.

They were becoming clones.

But the Twingo
is a different way
of answering the question.

It's not front wheel drive,
it's not kind of boxy.

All right, it's not perfect,
but it's got character.

And when you
wanna go somewhere,

you just pop it in the boot
of your real car
and off you go.


Okay, now it's time
to find out which of these
teeny, tiny cars

is fastest around our track,
and that means handing them
over for testing.

Not by The Stig,
but by The Stig's
teenage cousins.


CHRIS: So there they all are,
standing around,

snap chatting, photo bombing,

looking for Pokemon Go.

And off the line, the Twingo,
rear engine traction,

has got a little
bit of a march there.

There's no room up the inside
for that particular
adolescent lunatic.

Oh, my God!

Imagine what's inside
that helmet. All the acne.

Right, turning in,
there's not enough room
for you there.

Oh, dangerous, headphones on.

What are they listening to?
Tinie Tempah maybe.

So good, some cool tunes.

Okay. This is worrying now

'cause there's not room
for two of them going in here.

The Up! looking a bit sneaky
at the back there.

A tighter line,
this is clever,

and he's gonna get the march
on the Smart coming down
the back straight.

They don't look
very fast, do they?

No, not in a straight line.
What's he doing there?

I don't know.
Talking to his pals
on face chat thing.

Okay. Braking hard
down into the Hammerhead.

What's gonna happen here?

Well, the Up! has got
a massive advantage because

I think 'cause
it's front-engined.
It looked better,

but look at that sneaky git
on the inside there.

Three abreast,
I don't know how
this is gonna end.

This looks like a massive
insurance claim in waiting,
doesn't it?

So let's go
through the follow th...
Oh! That's rude, that's rude.

He's cut him right off
at the nose there,

and that Smart
just looks unstable to me.

It look so short, so short.

Okay. Oh, that's
a buttock-clenching
moment there.

But the Smart's got
the run on the Twingo,

heading down
towards second to last,

really unstable on the brakes.
I don't know what
they're playing at here.

I think the Twingo's
got this wrapped up.

Second to last,
Twingo runs wide.

Carry... That's just rude.

Okay, that's rude.

So effectively,
a moral victory to the Renault

because he had to
get out of the way

otherwise he'd have crashed
into that Stig.



All right,
now because that got
a bit out of hand,

we also got The Stig himself
to lap all three cars.

Now only the fastest one
of the three earns a place
on the leader board

and that was
the Smart in 1:49.1.

Which is way down there.


There you go.

TINIE: I told you, bro.
MATT: Yeah.

TINIE: I told you.
MATT: Yeah.

All right,
now hold on, hold on.

I wanna talk about
the Internet for a second

because I hear that
you and Chris Harris

have the same
favourite website,

which I gotta say
I find hard to believe,

because I know Chris
and he's disgusting.

Oh, we definitely do then.
No, I'm joking.

No, my favourite website
is actually AutoTrader, bro.
I love it.

-Do you love AutoTrader?
-Yeah, I'm addicted.

I love it.
Ever since I've been a kid,

for me I grew up on like
a council estate,
South East London,

didn't have much,
so being able to go online
and look at all these cars,

at all these
ridiculous prices,

I used to type in £200,000,
a million pounds,

let's see what cars come up
and you'd see
all these rare cars

and I just... I was obsessed
with it, so, yeah,
it's my favourite website.

And that's your
favourite website too?

It is, yes.

To avoid any confusion,
that is my favourite website.


What's your second...
No, never mind, let's not.


Tinie, I...
I heard you also, er,
enjoy an Aston Martin.

Yeah, bro, I... Yeah. Oh, God.

So, um, I've...

Luckily when they launched
the 177, they invited me
down to the factory.

So they said to me,
"Oh, do you wanna
borrow one for a week?"

-So I borrowed
the Aston Martin Virage.

And I remember
rolling around like
the coolest kid in the world.

I was like 23 years old
at the time

and I was dating
this girl at the time

and so when she saw the car,
and she was in the car,

she got really,
really giddy and excited

and she said
we should celebrate,
we should...


-Should what?

Should what, what, what, what?

Don't make this harder
than it already is,
please, please.

Is that what you said to her?

-Choose your words
more carefully.


-Got an Aston Martin badge,
I told you.

Yeah, well, I felt like
James Bond
for like 20 seconds,

which was great.

-Twenty seconds?


You know, the good thing is
they don't make
the Virage any more,

'cause I don't
wanna borrow one.

Yeah, don't...
Don't ever buy that.

If you see a used one
floating around,
don't get that one.


What do you think?
I think it's time

to take a look at Tinie's lap
around the track.

-Who wants to see that?
-CROWD: Yeah.

TINIE: Let's do it.
MATT: Yeah?

How do you think it went?
How do you think you did?

I think...
I think it was cool.

I mean,
I don't really know how I did.

Yeah, and it was
a swamp out there.

I mean, that's wet.

Yeah, I mean, the conditions
were horrible but
I'm not gonna be a moaner.

-I'm not gonna make excuses.
-MATT: Yeah. No, no, no.

All right, let's take a look.

CHRIS: Off the line.

It's time to make
the family proud.

CHRIS: Yeah.

It's a freezing day
in England,
but I'm actually sweating.

It's nerves.

I've got gas today.


CHRIS: Okay, well,
you're using most of
the circuit that's good.

Third gear,
rear wheel drive GT8...
Look at the flooding there!

Wetter than a...
What was going on there?


That was properly leery.

Bit of understeer here.

Get on the gas,
bit of oversteer on the exit.

Come on, son!

You're letting it
just dance around,
aren't you?

Braking hard now
into Hammerhead.

Starting to rain again.

Really not... Really trying to
rain on my parade.


-Oi, oi!

It's all about
the smoothness, T.
It's all about the smoothness.

Smoother than a baby's bottom.
Come on.

CHRIS: Okay, coming down now
to the Follow-Through.

This is gonna be tough.

Think I just farted
out of nervousness.

CHRIS: You... I...
I don't know
what to say about that.

-That is a massive moment.

Do you know what that face is?

-That's a new underwear face.

So we're gonna roll
into second to last.

It's slippery here.

You got that one
right that time.

Braking hard,
keeping it tight.
Do you know what?

I think that was
the toughest conditions
so far for any of our drivers.

-Over the line.

-CHRIS: That face.

Huh? Are you happy with that?
What do you think?

Um, it's weird 'cause
it feels a lot faster

-than it looked on the screen.
-Yeah, always.

So while I was driving,
it felt way faster

and there it
didn't really look that fast,
but I don't know.

Who knows, bro? I don't know.

Same thing happens to me
in performances I give.

It always looks a lot better
when I'm doing it
than what it actually...

You watch it back
and you're like, huh?

Right. Now the top
of our leader board

is still Max Whitlock,
the iconic gymnast.

When you give that guy
a foam horse covered in suede

and he just gives you poetry,
is it not nice or what?


But because it was so wet,
you have a wet time,

so you have to beat
James McAvoy's time of 1:47.1.

Don't say it like "you only
have to beat." Don't say that.

-Okay, Tinie Tempah...
-TINIE: Mmm-hmm.

You went around
the track in one minute,


-Good effort.
That's a good effort.

It was considerably wet
out there.

considerably wet.

CHRIS: Three seconds slower
out there for you,
yes, it was.

TINIE: Yeah.

Yeah, that's solid.
That's solid
for those conditions.

Ladies and gentlemen,
Tinie Tempah.

-Thank you, bro.

Oh, what a hero.

Okay, now.

Earlier on,
you remember Chris was driving

the 1,500 horsepower
Bugatti Chiron.

Which so long as you have
more money than
Mark Zuckerberg,

is pretty much as fast
as you can go in a car.

Yeah, that's true.

But of course if you've got
more money than
Mark Zuckerberg,

you're not limited
to just cars,

so since we had a day
to kill with the Chiron,

we decided to
have a little race.

It's the age-old question
we've all pondered.

You're a billionaire oil mogul
based in downtown Dubai.

You knock off work
at lunch on a Friday,
or Thursday as they do here,

so what's the fastest way
to reach your
luxury weekend retreat

in the Omani mountains?

Car or not car?

MATT: Hello.

Well, I'm what they call

-suitably equipped, Matthew.

Can't help noticing
you have no transport.

Are you planning on
walking to Oman?

No, no, don't worry.
Off you go. I'll be the guy
at the hotel bar

with all the empty drinks
in front of him.

No, you're going to lose.

It's not possible
to get anywhere faster
than in this car.

MATT: Hmm, and what a car.


Does it come in men's?

You're better than that,
you know you are.

And also,
what's in that rucksack?
Why's it so big?

This? My lunch.

-Three, two, one, go.
You're gonna lose.

Wait, wait, wait, wait,
wait, wait, wait, wait.

You're going to lose.

I'm already in front of you.


MATT: Now the winner of this
billionaire's commute-off

would be the first to get
from the heart of Dubai

to a luxury five-star retreat

perched high in the mountains
of neighbouring Oman.

And with Chris driving
the Chiron, I would have to
travel by other means.

No driving.

I won't be driving.

Not one bit of driving.

I have a plan.

I think I can safely say
I'm the only Chiron

driving around on
the public highway
in the world at the moment.

One of us
is currently winning.

And it's not Joey!

Anyone could take a car.

A billionaire
doesn't take a car.

So you are
actually walking to Oman.

Very luxurious.

You're wasting time
you don't have. Keep going.

An angry small man in Dubai,
rocks up in his Chiron,
says hi.

-What a w...

Unfortunately, I quickly
encountered a problem

unfamiliar to
most billionaires.

Rush hour.

There's about 19 lanes and yet
every one's stuck stationary.

-Oh, come on!

Don't drive into me.
This is worth
two million quid.

MATT: Silly Harris.

You see traffic
was not something
I needed to worry about.

That's right, it's a boat.

And this was just stage one
of my four-stage master plan.

This is the frustrating
part of the race

'cause we have to adhere
to this five-knot speed limit.

But once we get out
on the open water,
we can pin it.

The Riva Rivarama
is 44 feet long,
costs a million pounds,

half the price of Harris' car,

which is only
a third the length
of this boat,

and he doesn't even have
an on-board ice maker.

Or a toilet.

He's in trouble.

CHRIS: Well, not quite.

Because when
you're a billionaire
for the day,

you can call in
the odd favour.


CHRIS: Yes, yes, yes.
Now this is
what I call a plan.

I am being escorted
out of Dubai at speed,
behind a Dubai Police i8.

There's a McLaren 570 ahead,

behind me a Nissan GTR
and to my left is
an Audi R8 V10 plus.

It has 610 horsepower.

That's 900 less
than the one I'm in.

900 less.

This is cool.

MATT: Whatever.

See, I was now
clear of the marina.

Fast as you like.

Oh, yeah, baby.

That's the stuff right there.



Have you located
some proper transport yet?

I can't really
hear you too good.

It's a little windy
out here on the sea.

What are you on, a boat?


Just having a good
old time racing you.

I've got through
the Dubai traffic
by using a police escort

and I'm now heading
towards the border.

I can't possibly
see how you can win.

CHRIS: Yes, an hour in
and with Admiral LeBlanc

bobbing around in his boat,
I was well on my way to Oman.

Frankly, this wasn't
much of a race after all.

Maybe I can just
spend the next hour
conjugating the verb "to win."

I win, you win,
he, she, or it wins,

we win, you win, they win.

Or you're Matt LeBlanc
and you lose.

What has Matthew got planned?

MATT: Well, since he asked,

it was time
for the second stage
of my commute.

Okay, here she is.

Now that is
the Bentley Mulsanne EWB.

Extended wheel base.


Now, of course,
I'm not driving.

MATT: No, no,
like any good billionaire,
I have a chauffeur,

The Stig's Emirati cousin.

MATT: Okay, vamos.




CHRIS: Meanwhile, basking
in my comfortable lead,

I had time to consider
some of the Chiron's
utter madness.

Remember when you were a kid
and you'd get into cars

and always look how fast
the speedometer went to

and you'd assume that
if a speedometer said 140,

the car could do 140. (LAUGHS)

In the Chiron,
the game is over.

This reads to 500
kilometres per hour.

That's 300 miles an hour.

How do you
out Chiron a Chiron?
What do you do?

Come on.

Now, I had hit some traffic,
but to be honest,

in the Mulsanne,
it was hard to care.

Oh, oh, yeah.

Yeah, it gives you a massage.

Oh, that is maybe
the nicest car seat
there ever... Ever made.

Let's give him a call,
see how old Chris is doing.


Well, well, well. How are you?

Pretend you're not gonna
hear this.

Super, please, super.


How many fuel stops
have you made so far,

is this your second or third?

It's my first,
don't be stupid.

Where are you?

I, my friend, am sitting
in the back of a beautiful
Bentley Mulsanne EWB.

So, you've taken a boat

to get in
the back of a Bentley

that you know
is slower than my car

and now
you're just gonna drive
all the way to Oman.

I had you down
as a clever man.

I didn't say anything
about driving
all the way to Oman.

Okay, oh, do you want
some money?

Do you want money?

MATT: Yeah, you have to pay
for that fuel.

Hey, listen...

-Oh, he's gone.


MATT: A small angry man
in Dubai, rocks up
in his Chiron and says hi.

In his mad little grin,
'cause he thinks he'll win...


Okay, my plan to avoid
all of Dubai's traffic

with the speedboat
had backfired

and after two hours of racing
I was still stuck downtown,

while Chris was
approaching Oman,
100 miles ahead of me.

Ah, the border.

Which looks strangely similar
to the man stand at,
um, Lords.

What's gonna happen here?
Do I just go through?

He's got a gun.

He's got a gun
as well, actually.
I didn't notice him.

What's going on here?

Come on, let me through.

Yes, I'm liking
the look of this.

You see,
the Bugatti Chiron improves
international relations,

just smile and look
as if you are comfortable
with what you're doing.


CHRIS: Wants me to wait here.
For what?

-Wait here?

Good, okay, okay.

So they're all tweeting
and taking photos of the car.

Hashtag can I please
get on with it?

-How are you, sir?
-Hello, how are you?

-Welcome back.
-Thank you.

-Sir, I've got to
change plate number.


So they're
re-registering the car,
'cause we've entered Oman?

This is a disaster.
I've been here 30 minutes now.

Matt LeSmuggins is gonna be...

I don't know where he is.

Well, I had finally reached
stage three of my plan.

Thanks, Stig.

And really had some
catching up to do.

How are you, nice to see you?



Did not plan on
that much traffic.

Worse still, Chris had crossed
the border into Oman.

stage three was a good one.

(CHUCKLES) There it is.

A Honda Jet.

As in a jet made by Honda.

Howdy, boys, let's go.

This thing's quick.

Oh, that's a steep climb.

Yeah, baby.

That's what I'm talking about.

Hey, how fast are we going?

About, er, 480 miles per hour.

Maxed out, boom.

That's how we roll up here.

You know, somewhere down there

there's a very small man
in a very fast car.

And though that very small man
is still talking
a very big game,

deep down, deep, deep down
that very small man knows

very well that
he is going to lose.

It's very sad.

That border check situation,
that lost me a lot of time.

Come on, Mr Bugatti.

We might just have to deploy
a bit of your speed.

MATT: Meanwhile,
at 15,000 feet, the Honda Jet.

£3.6 million,
20 years in the making.

Its ground-breaking
over-wing engine design

maximises performance
and efficiency.

Comes with snacks too.

But what it all really
adds up to is a great way
to overtake a Chiron.

You're what?
You're in a Honda?

No, it's not a Civic.

MATT: No, it's not an Accord.

It's not the NSX either.

It's the Honda Jet.


Utter git.

I can't even boast
that I've got the fastest,

most expensive toy now, can I?

MATT: The Honda had definitely
put me back in the game.

Making time, making time.

But my one-hour flight
would touch me down in Muscat,

which was still
a good 100 miles

from the mountaintop
finish line.

So Chris was technically
still in the lead.

CHRIS: Speed's dropping again.

MATT: For now.

Coming into another town.

It's becoming a pain, this.

You know when
your brain tells you
you just have to keep moving

when the traffic stops,
so you dive off
and take another route

and think that keeping moving
is the thing?

But it turns out
to be rubbish?

Yeah, that's where I am now.

Matt's gonna be quivering
when he finds out

how fast I'm driving
through here.


This is ridiculous.

-No, no, no, no, no, no, no.

This thing is two metres wide.

I hate this!

MATT: And touch down.

Thanks a lot, take care.

Stage four. It was time to
open up the backpack.

Excuse me one second,
I'll be right back.

I've gotta take care
of something.

So the rules said no driving.


Nobody said
anything about riding.

This is the new
Ducati 1299 Superleggera.

Hey, Chris.

I don't know where you are
or what you're doing,

but I'm pretty confident
I'm gonna win.

Now, I know
what you're thinking and, no,

your average billionaire
probably wouldn't finish
their commute on a bike.

But that's probably because
they haven't tried this bike.


The Superleggera'll do
zero to 60 in
about 2.5 seconds,

which is the same
as the Chiron.

The only difference is,
I don't need
1,500 horsepower to do it.

Just a bit of bravery.

The top speed is
190-something miles an hour.

Now some people
will look at that and say,
"Well, that's just stupid.

"That's more speed than anyone
would ever need."

To which I say, "Exactly."

A small angry man in Dubai,
rocked up in his Chiron,
said hi.

With a mad little grin,
he thought he could win,

but at the bar
in the mountains, he'll cry.

That's it. That's the rhyme.

But as I made short work
of my 100-mile ride
from Muscat,

Chris had found his way
back onto the open road.

Are you off the plane?

Yeah, I'm on a bike.

What do you mean
you're on a bike?

What bike?

Ducati's 1299 Superleggera.

You what?

Yeah, you better
stand on it, buddy.

That bike is basically
a personal teleportation

Thankfully, so is the Chiron.

Let's get a move on.

Now we're talking.
A little bit of
open road here.

Come on, push, push.

Come on, come on, come on.

Foot down.

This (BLEEP) thing's fast.

Approaching the mountains
from opposite sides,

we were entering
the final stage of the race.

With no way of telling
who was in front,

it was just one road
up to the finish line.

Oh, look at that.

MATT: And it was a good one.

This is about to get fun.


Now, this is a proper road.

Look at it. Fantastic.

MATT: Now we're talking.

This is nice.

God, it goes left
to right so good.

It just holds
the line perfect.

I know this is a car show,
so, you probably
want the Chiron to win.

But if it doesn't, I mean,
when... When it doesn't,
don't blame the car.

Blame Harris.

I don't know if
I'm hunting him down
and catching him,

or maybe he's catching me.

MATT: I don't see
that big gold Bugatti
in my mirror.

Gotta be in front.

He's gotta be.

Come on, come on, come on.

Please let me be ahead of him.

Please let me be ahead of him.

Come on,
push, push, push, LeBlanc!

Come on, Mr Chiron.

We have to win this.

This is it, this is it.

Okay, thanks, buddy.

Where is he?

That's it. That's the spot.

He's small,
but he's not that small.
I don't see him.

I think we have a winner.

Oh, yes.

That's what I'm talking about.
Look at that view.

Harris is gonna be so mad.

I can't wait
to see the look on his little

bald face.

CHRIS: There you go.
Have a Chiron.

There's no one there.
I think we've got this, boys.

I think we've got...
Oh, come on, no.

Welcome to Oman.


-MATT: How are you, my friend?

Why so slow...


I haven't even
thought of my line.


What was your line?

It's like, you're always stuck
in second gear,

which looking at it now
wasn't very funny, was it?

I was stuck in
top gear, my friend.

CHRIS: Yes. Well done.

Well done.


How are you?

I can't believe I lost.

You didn't lose.

If you say I just came second,
I'll throw you
off that balcony.

-No, no, no, no.

You lost.


No! Just get me a beer.

MATT: Cheers.

That's a good beer.

Never tastes as good
as a winning beer though,
does it?

-Do you wanna try that one?

Thank you.

-Oh, yeah, that's better.


-Give me that back.


You just missed the sunset.
It was beautiful.

We could have held hands
and everything.



So close, so, so close.
That was so close.

You know,
I think if it wasn't
for that border crossing

you would have had me.

Well, the border crossing
and the fact that
I had my own jet.


Look, I'm gutted,
but I made the Chiron
look good value.


Add up the cost of the boat,
the limo and then the plane

and the bike,
now much is that?

About £5 million.

Okay. Double the price
of the Chiron and I only lost
by a couple of minutes.

You still lost.

Or... Or, I maximised my time

in the most extraordinary car
of the millennium.

Ah, no, you lost.

On next week's show,

a motorsport battle
as we find out who's quickest,

Chris Harris
or Sabine Schmitz.

And an American man
drives an American car
in America.

Yes, he does. The Ford GT.

-CROWD: Ooh! Whoa!
-That's right.

We will see you then.

-Good night.
-Good night.