Top Gear (2002–…): Season 24, Episode 3 - Episode #24.3 - full transcript

(AUDIENCE CHEERING)

Hello and welcome to Top Gear.

On tonight's show,
we go supercar hunting

in a Volkswagen Golf,

and discover the perfect
runabout for the fashion
conscious Bond villain.

But first,
let's talk about Aston Martin.

Now, Aston Martin,
they've always
made beautiful cars.

But the truth is,
in recent years,

Aston's been
a bit left behind.

You know when we
first saw this DB9?

2003.



In car years, that's ancient.
Right?

But now,
the DB9's been replaced
by a new car.

Promising to bring Aston
right up to date.

MATT:
This is the all new DB11.

Aston Martin says it's
the most important model
in its 100-year history.

No pressure there, then.

Thankfully,
it still looks great.

But look beneath the bodywork
and there are a few surprises.

Aston's given
the DB11 a smaller motor
than the old DB9.

And for the first time ever,

accessorised it
with a pair of turbochargers.

Now this,
this is controversial.

The free-revving,
naturally-aspirated
Aston Martin V12

is a British institution.



Like the Royal Family
or crumpets.

Aston Martin going
turbo is big news.

(ENGINE REVVING)

MATT: So, have they ruined it?

Well, no.

(ENGINE REVVING)

Not at all.

(TYRES SQUEALING)

In fact,

this might just be
the best all-round
Aston in the last 20 years.

Or 40 years.

Or...

Damn, I'm old.

The engine might be smaller,

but those controversial
new turbochargers

mean Aston's V12
now produces...

Six hundred horsepower.

Which is, you know, enough.

Enough, in fact,

to make this the first DB car
that'll do over
200 miles an hour.

This thing goes like hell.
(LAUGHS)

Sounds like hell too.

-(ENGINE ROARING)
-Whoo-hoo.

And hey,
it's still rear-wheel drive,

the gearbox is still
out the back for better
weight distribution,

and now, there's even
proper multilink
rear suspension.

So, if you do happen to
accidentally end up in
a massive power slide...

(TYRES SLIDING)

Then yeah, it'll do that too.

(TYRES SCREECHING)

Oops, there it goes again.

I'm so careless.

(ENGINE REVVING)

Now, some might complain

that this British icon has
sourced all of its
electronic computery stuff

from Mercedes...

(THUNDER RUMBLES)

Frankly, I don't care
if the stuff behind the scenes

is programmed by German guys
in wire-rimmed glasses.

Doesn't bother me at all.

Mostly because
unlike old Astons,
it actually works.

And besides,
all the tactile stuff
is still just as it should be.

This leather is very leathery.

And this metal
is very metally.

And this wood is very...

(WINCES) Ooh!

I'm just kidding.
That's nice wood.

Now, the armrest.

You don't have to go through
all that effort

of manually sliding it back

to get at that little bit
of storage underneath there.

No, there's a switch here
that does that for you.

I cannot believe that
I have been
manually sliding armrests

all these years like an ape.

That is time I
cannot get back.

(ENGINE REVVING)

So, it's great to drive.

Great to spend time in.

But it should be.

The DB11 is 155 grand...

Which does raise
that old debate.

For about half the money,
you could have a Nissan GT-R,

which has about
the same power,

and four-wheel drive,

and will annihilate this Aston
around any circuit on Earth.

But come on,
that's not
the point of the DB11.

This is a luxury yacht,
not a speedboat.

It's a private jet,
not a jet fighter.

It's about
understated elegance.

Sophisticated, effortless,

cool.

Yeah.

Which means this racetrack
is not where
the DB11 was meant to live.

However, we've installed
a useful new
feature on this racetrack.

Narnia had its wardrobe,
Bill and Ted had
their phone booth,

and Stargate had its...

Its Stargate.

Well, Top Gear now has its
"Left at Hammerhead."

That's right,
left turn at Hammerhead.

(SIGHS) Okay,
first time for everything.

Let's do this.

(TYRES SKIDDING)

(ENGINE REVVING)

Oh, yeah.

Now we're talkin'.

Sweet!

Yeah, just call me...

LeBond, Matt LeBond.

Oh.

Would've been nice
if it came with the pants.

CHRIS: Of course,
every hero needs a villain.

Introducing...

The Mercedes S63 AMG Coupe.

A two-door with
an evil streak.

(ENGINE REVVING)

It's huge, it's ostentatious.

I mean, I've got cameras
that scan
the road ahead for bumps.

And for some reason,
I've got Swarovski crystals

in the headlights.

I'm coming to get you, LeBond.

Who the hell is that?

(TYRES SCREECHING)

Oh.

(LAUGHS) Hey.

Oh, I get it.

Bond villain, huh?

Let me guess, uh, Dr No Hair?

(SIGHS) You're
loving this, aren't you?

You've got the car,
you've got the suit.

Oh, hey, listen.
Hillary Clinton called.

She wants her jacket back.

Oi, look.
I didn't even choose this.

(ENGINES REVVING)

Oi!

(MOBILE PHONE RINGING)

MATT: That's a V8, right?

CHRIS:
Well, a twin turbo V8, yes.

V12. Twin turbo V12.

-Horsepower?
-Five-eighty. You?

Only 600.

Okay, look,
pretend Mercedes,
real Mercedes,

more torque
and let's face it,
a better driver.

Oh, it's on. It is on.

(ENGINES REVVING)

Bulldozer, bulldozer.

Oh, that's actually
an articulating loader.

Get out of the way.

I've got a smug
American to kill.

Ha-ha!
See how you cope
with this, LeBond.

Full beam? Ugh.
Is there no limit to his evil?

(TYRES SCREECHING)

Where's he going?

Ooh, decisions, decisions.

He's lost.

Here's good.

(SEAGULL SQUAWKING)

Such a picturesque country.

(ARTIST GROANS)

Ooh.

Sorry.

Enjoy your lunch.

(ENGINES REVVING)

(MAN WHISTLING)

One-thirty, one-forty,

one-fifty.
Wow, this car's quick!

Live with this, LeBond.

(LAUGHS)

See, the thing about that Merc
is it's limited to 155.

This DB11 isn't.

Later, Harris.

-Whoa.
-Oh, that was
a New Holland TN 90 F.

Classic.

(POLICE OFFICER SPEAKING
FOREIGN LANGUAGE OVER RADIO)

MATT: Did you see the police?

Course I saw the police.
And I think they saw us.

(SIRENS BLARING)

Ooh.

What kind of
police cars are those,
Dr No Hair?

They are
Vauxhall Astras, LeBond.

We can outrun those, right?

Absolutely.

(ENGINES REVVING)

(TYRES SCREECHING)

MATT: Oh, this is cool.

CHRIS: Oh yes.

(SIRENS BLARING)

(JAMES BOND THEME PLAYING)

(SIRENS BLARING)

CHRIS: Police.

Police everywhere.

We're surrounded, LeBond.
We are surrounded.

Oh, it's very bad.

It's very, very bad.

(HELICOPTER BLADES WHIRRING)

Where are your trousers?

Don't draw attention to it.

(AUDIENCE CHEERING)

(LAUGHING) That was fun.
That was really fun.

Yeah, thank you.

So, Left at Hammerhead.

Yeah!

I think it opens up a whole
new world of opportunities,
right?

You just have to pack
an extra pair of pants.

-(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)
-That would be wise.

No, okay,
let's talk about the cars.

You love this Mercedes, right?

It is fantastic.

It's 20 grand cheaper
than the Aston Martin.

It's the best GT
car I've ever driven.

I mean, I arrive at places
feeling more relaxed
than when I started.

Double glazing,
best hi-fi I've ever heard.

-Best seats.
-Best GT car
you've ever driven?

Well, it's wonderful.
It's just
a great car to be in.

And it's very
subtle too, I like that.

Yeah, yeah, it's not
overstated. And you say
you really like it.

But it does miss one thing.

There's one important thing
it doesn't have.

-Are you ready?
-Yeah.

It doesn't have this,
this badge right here.

You're so...
You're so vain, Matthew.

This badge here, this badge
was founded by
Karl Benz in 1885.

-Uh-huh.
-He invented the motorcar.

This thing has provenance.

Right. Right,
but it doesn't
have this badge.

-This one right here.
-(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)

This badge.
And do you wanna know
why that's relevant?

I'll show you.
Who here would
take the Mercedes?

WOMAN: Yay.

-That woman over there.
-(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)

Okay.

-And who here...
-A woman with taste.

Okay, let me finish.

And who here
would have the Aston?

(AUDIENCE CHEERING)

Ouch.

I'm disappointed
in each and every one of you.

-You've let yourselves down.
-No, it's a great car.
It's a great car.

But it's not an Aston Martin.

-Fair enough.
-Right? Right? Right.

Okay, all right.
Now, there's one thing to do.

Find out how
fast the DB11 went
around our test track.

And you know what that means.
It's time for...

-The Stig!
-(AUDIENCE CHEERING)

CHRIS: Here he is then,
on the line in the DB11.

Six hundred horsepower,
twin turbo V12.

Pretty good
traction off the line.

Howling up now
past that heli shot.

Braking zone,
it looks heavy, doesn't it?

Look at the roll
on the car straightaway.

Stig, very relaxed in there.
All leathery and woody.

Look, a bit of
tyre smoke coming out.

This thing's
got so much power.
Braking hard.

Look at the pitch.
Look at
the weight moving around.

Hammerhead, manages to
hold its line. But watch
the oversteer on the exit.

Managing it all the way.
Oh, that was sexy driving.

All the way over
to the right-hand side now.

Braking hard into Hammerhead.

Again, it stops well,
but it does look heavy.

Look at the lean.
Bit of
understeer to start with.

Then Stig gets on the throttle
and neutralises it.

What happens on the exit?
Here we go.

Aw, that's just showboating.
Super slick oversteer.

Look at that smoke there.
The diff opening up a bit.

So, maybe
the diff's not that tight.

-Through the Follow-Through.
-(TYRES SCREECHING)

Looks really fast
and skilful through there.

Bang, that was aggressive.

Braking hard
into second-to-last.

What's it like here?

Looks very, very stable to me,
but doesn't look that grippy.

Oh,
that was using all the track
and now left into Gambon.

And over the line.

That looked fast.
That looked fast.

Okay,
the new Aston Martin DB11

went around the track
in one minute 21.5.

-(AUDIENCE CHEERING)
-Goes right there.

That's ahead of the M3.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Okay, before you ask,
before you even ask.

We had The Stig
take the S63 around as well.

-CHRIS: Hmm.
-What do you think?

-It's perfect.
-Yeah, yeah, yeah, right?

Absolutely.
So, the Mercedes AMG S63
did it in one minute 24 flat.

Ooh.

That goes there.

-But it's totally irrelevant.
-(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)

What?

Hold on, hold on.
You, Chris Harris,
pro racing driver, car guru,

is gonna tell me
that in the context
of comparing two cars,

that the lap time
between those two cars
is totally irrelevant?

It's totally irrelevant.

(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)

This is a comfort game.
This is a comfortable car.

I can sometimes be,
you know, rational.

You can also
sometimes be a sore loser.

Rory.

And a bit later
on in the show,

I'll be proving
you don't need to
spend supercar money

to keep up with supercars.

You just need
the right machinery.

-And the right driver.
-Yeah, not you.

(LAUGHING)

All right, now it is time
to meet this week's guest.

Star of Green Wing,
Friday Night Dinner,
and Episodes... Great show.

Please welcome Tamsin Greig.

Wow. (LAUGHS)

TAMSIN: How you going?

-All right?
-Welcome.

How are you?
Oh, so glad to see you,
so glad you're here.

MATT: Now, Tamsin and I
have been friends
for a long time.

We do the other show together,
obviously,

and,
um, we have kissed on camera.

-On camera.
-On camera.

Uh, I've vomited
on you, on camera.

Yeah, you did.

And you kicked and
punched me repeatedly

-on and off camera.
-Yeah...

Yup. And, uh, but we never
have had the chat.

The what?

-The chat, you know. The chat.
-What,
what, the chat, what chat?

-Tamsin Greig...
-(LAUGHING)

We wanna know
about your first one.

Oh.

'Cause this is
a car show, right.

Yeah, your first car.
What did you think
I was talking about?

Okay, okay. (WHISTLES)

-MATT: First car. Come on.
-My first car.

Your first car.

Er, um... Fiat Uno.

MATT: Oh.

Yeah, guys.

Right?
And it gave me this kind of
exultant feeling of liberty.

And, er, I was very,
very happy in that car.

-And exultant
feeling of liberty.
-Feeling of liberty.

You don't get a lot of that.

That's the first poetry
ever induced by a Fiat Uno.

(LAUGHS) But the Fiat Uno
became a kind of like
gangster car after that.

-Did it?
-It did. No, no.

-Where, in Chipping Norton?
-(ALL LAUGHING)

No, like,
in Kilburn where I grew up.

And yeah, it became kind of
like, you know,
the souped-up version.

-Oh, the Turbo IE.
-Thank you.

Ah, is that the one you had?

No, I... I had the basic one
that sounded like,
um, a fridge.

The door made that
really satisfying noise.

And did it go,
did things move
up after that car?

After that car.
After that car, then
I got a Citroen AX, which...

Yeah, guys.

-Nice. Nice.
-MATT: Yeah.

Aren't you glad
you've got me on your show?

MATT: Yeah. (LAUGHING)

I have a Citroen AX now.

-What, still?
-I still have one.

-What, how old is it?
-It is 1988.

They were famously unreliable
though, so, did you ever
break down in it?

Yeah, I did.
(CHUCKLES) I did
break down once.

There's a tiny little road
that goes over
the Lake District,

called Wrynose Pass,
and I was on my own,
with a dog,

and, erm, I thought to myself
this would be a really bad
place to break down,

at which point
my gearstick
came off in my hand,

and this was before mobile
phones, and so I got out
of the car, with a dog,

at sundown.

So I'm walking
down the mountain,
this little road,

and managed to
find a little house.

And there was a house there
and there was a couple there,

and I used their
phone and phoned
the breakdown services

and they found me
and I said to the AA guy...

Are we allowed to say "AA"?

-Can we say that,
is that advertising?
-Yeah, you can, yeah.

Yeah, the man from
Alcoholics Anonymous
came and he said...

And I said,
"It's just so brilliant
to see you, this is just..."

And I was really worried,
I mean, you know, I'm here
on my own and female.

I'm female and it could have
been a nightmare, and the guy,

without blinking,
said to me,
"It's not a nightmare.

"It would have
been a nightmare
if I'd had a knife."

(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)

That's... That's horrid.

That's what the
recovering alcoholic said?

The recovering alcoholic said,
hiding his weapons.

Now, can we stop the
horror stories, 'cause
that's frankly harrowing,

and talk about Episodes,
'cause I'm a big fan.

Are you?

Now, you've just
filmed the last season.

Why does it have to end?

-Uh, Tamsin didn't
wanna do any more.
-(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)

Well, boo to you.

Ah, well, I'm glad
we're leaving you on a high.

I think it's
really good to know
when to end stories.

-MATT: Yeah.
-Don't you?

It's great to just go,
"We're done, we're done."

Yeah, it did kind of feel
like we'd told our story.

RORY: Leave them wanting more.
TAMSIN: Yeah.

Okay, well, look,
we've tried to
get a clip of this.

It was quite difficult to get
a pre-watershed-friendly clip,

but, um, here we go.

Now, you wanna loosen up.
Don't hunch your shoulders.

Still hunching.

Still hunching.

Still hunching.

-Those are my shoulders.
-Really?

Now, you wanna have both hands
tight on the grip.

It's loud!
It's loud! It's loud!

It's loud!
It's loud! It's loud!

Oh. (WHIMPERING)

Holy crap.

SEAN: Well done, darling.

That was no bloody car door!

All right,
just give me the weapon.

I'm never doing this again
because it was loud!

-All right, my turn.
-(SHOUTING) What?

(LAUGHS)

Well done. Well done.

RORY: Great wrist action.

Thanks, did that...
Did that look like really...

What was that, like a...
Was that a .357?

-MATT: No, no.
-No, no.

That was a Smith & Wesson .44.
That was a big cannon, yeah.

Yes. I mean,
I'd stood there
for a long time.

That's why my
arms look so toned.

'Cause this was, it was
a long... A whole day I
stood there like that.

Okay,
I want to show you something
very special now, okay?

A couple of years ago,
Renault thought they spotted
a gap in the marketplace,

and they've just created this.

Have a look at this.
This is delicious.

-The Alpine 110.
-RORY: That's nice.

MATT: Okay.

-TAMSIN: Alpeen?
-Alpine.

Alpine. Yeah, Alpine,
it's a fast Renault brand.

-Not "Alpine"?
-It's an Alpeen.

Okay, now the Porsche Cayman
is £40,000 and up,

so Renault thought,
"We can offer a cheaper car,"

so it's about 250 horsepower,

1,200 kilograms,
it's mid-engined,
it's sexy as hell.

I mean, look at that,
it's just perfect.

And it's developed by the guys
at Renault Sport

and they know a thing or two
about making great fast cars.

Except there's one problem.

It's not cheaper
than a Porsche Cayman,
is it?

It's about £60,000,
that thing.

That is the slight issue.

They identified
the gap in the market

and then they totally missed
the gap in the market...

(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)

...and it's
actually more expensive
than a Porsche Cayman.

MATT: Yeah.

And it's also named after
a toilet cleaner.

(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)

Alpine?

Alpeen.

-MATT: Alpeen?
-Alpine.

"It's alpine fresh."
I mean, isn't it?

Does he look like a man
who buys his own
toilet cleaner?

(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)

Oh, yeah, he doesn't know
what we're talking about.

Why can't I buy my
own toilet cleaner?

Do you buy your
own toilet cleaner?

Do you go to the shops
and buy toilet cleaner?

Whoa, why is
everyone terrorising me?

Ask him, Rory,
do it from that side as well.

Name one brand
of toilet cleaner.

Alpine.

Um...
Fairy Liquid, Fairy Liquid!

(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)

The toilet.

-You wash the...
-With Fairy Liquid.

You wash your
toilet with Fairy Liquid?

-After you do the dishes.
-Okay.

409, that's in the States.

That's a car.

It's the stuff with the funny
neck on it so you can get
under the rim, I know.

-Duck.
-Duck.

(LAUGHING)

All right, time to see how
your training session went

with the loving, caring, kind,
tender, gentle Chris Harris.

Let's take a look.

What's the fastest
you've been in a car?

-Um, I think about
90 miles an hour.
-Nineteen or 90?

-Nineteen? 90!
-Ninety, okay.

CHRIS:
This could be interesting.
Let's go.

Just be nice, all right.

I started with...

No, nothing gets done
if you're not nice.

Okay, I'll try.

(ENGINE REVVING)

Okay, full power.

-Talk louder.
-You've got
7,000 revs, use them.

Second!

Third gear now.

-Whoo!
-(GEARS GRINDING)

Oh, it's in there somewhere.

-Yeah, sorry.
-Fourth gear.

And you know the bit
on the show where you
have to set the fast lap?

That's this bit,

-you're aware of that?
-Yeah, is this it?

Fourth gear, keep going.

-We need
a sundial to time this.
-Be clear.

-It's not a stop watch.
-Be clear.

Keep going down here,
down here.
Straight.

Braking hard now, right.

Right. No, no.

-There, left, to the side.
-You said right!

Just say every bit.

Round there,
round there, round there,
to the right.

This is the famous Hammerhead.
Don't get it wrong.

Left, left, left, left, left.

Right. Right!

Well,
that's no bloody good, is it?

What are you...
What are you doing?

Um, I'm really glad you're
here, you're being very
helpful in many ways,

but, er, I'm feeling
a kind of, um, a wave of
anger coming from you

and I'm just interested
in what that's all about.

I'm angry because
we're trying to go fast and
you're not going fast yet.

-I just wanna go fast.
-I am going fast.
Faster than I was.

-You think you're going fast.
-You're a teacher.

If you get angry
when I can't quite do
what you're asking me to do,

that's going to
reflect badly on you,
not on me.

So I think you just
need to calm down.

Maybe we can just start
by saying "Please."

Or, and "Thank you."

But... But if I use
those pleasantries,
will you go faster?

-Yes.
-Are you sure?

Yes, I will.

Right, are we ready?

-Yeah.
-Teach me.

Don't point.

Can we... Can we go.
Can we please move
the steering wheel

in a rightwards direction?

-Now, before I'm driving?
-Now please, before we go.

Let's go. And now,

now accelerate
and use the throttle
and to second gear, please.

Thank you.

And to third gear please,
if you feel
like it, thank you.

Now fourth, thank you,
and now over to the left,

but avoid the cameraman,
'cause that would be bad.

Now, down the end here.
Come on!

Get on, please hurry up.

-Where am I going?
-Left. Left, that's good.

Over there.

So, maybe just also say
where I'm supposed to go.

Okay, okay, okay.

Come on, Tamsin.
I know you've got it in you.

Come on.

-And can you please, please...
-Yeah.

...brake between
the 100 and the 50?
Brake, brake, brake! Brake.

-Don't shout.
-Third... Third gear, please.

Left, left.

I feel like we've been
through something now.

How do you feel?

I feel that you have
improved as a driver.

Yeah.

And that I have improved
as a human being.

Win, win, win.

Now get out of the (BLEEP) car

and just think about
how you've been behaving.

(AUDIENCE CHEERING)

That was great.

You see what you get?
You see what you get?

I can't help it.
No, she was very, very good.

-She really was.
-MATT: Yeah.

And it looked pretty slippery
out there too, yeah?

It's the worst conditions
that have ever been
experienced on Top Gear.

In three episodes?

-(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)
-No, ever.

-Ever.
-Wasn't it?

I'm not sure
I agree with that, but,
um, sure, whatever you say.

Well, I can't wait
to see your timed lap,

but we'll do that
a little bit later.

Now, I wanna talk
about ancient history.

The 1970s.

See, 40 years ago,
if you lived in Britain
and wanted a fast car

that wasn't a pain to live
with, you were stuck
with something like this.

The Triumph Dolomite Sprint.

Yeah, the '70s kind of sucked.

But one humble hatchback
was about to change
all of that forever.

RORY: 1977.

The original
Volkswagen Golf GTI
lands in the UK.

Its mission, to prove
you can have practicality
and proper performance.

Mission successful.

The GTI was quicker
than most sports cars.

Nought to 60 took
barely eight seconds.

By '70s standards,
that was warp speed.

The GTI was a game changer.

And in the mid-1980s,
with the rest of the world
running to catch up,

VW dropped this.

The second
generation Golf GTI.

Big bumpers and big attitude.

Damn, this thing's good!

But then came the 1990s,
and the GTI became
heavier and uglier.

The Mark Four was so porky,

it was actually slower to 60
than the '70s original.

But VW wasn't done yet.

Ah! (LAUGHS)

That is more like it.

RORY: Yes, the Mark Five.
Loads more power.
Way more nimble.

This was a hot
hatch for the noughties.

And by 2009, with the
Mark Six, VW had officially
rediscovered its mojo.

The GTI was back.

And that brings us 40 years
after the original GTI
landed in the UK.

To this.
The Volkswagen
Golf GTI Clubsport S.

The most powerful
production Golf ever.

Three hundred and six horses.

Nearly three times as many
as that original
GTI from the '70s.

And that's
the kind of inflation
I think we can all get behind.

And, because it's a proper
old-school Golf,

all the power heads that way.

By rights,
front-wheel drive cars
like this should understeer,

but the Clubsport S doesn't.
It just grips and
grips and grips.

How is it doing this?

That just makes no sense.

This is a fast, fast car.

(LAUGHS EMPHATICALLY)

Yes. Yes. Yes!

You can almost smell
the engineering quality.

It feels like 40 years
of perfecting
the hot hatch formula.

It feels sophisticated.

It feels expensive.

Which, I'm afraid, it is.

In fact,
this Clubsport S model
costs £34,000.

That's nearly three grand more
than a Ford Focus RS,

which has more power,
four-wheel drive
and rear seats.

Did I not mention that?
Well, yeah.

As part of their
weight-saving measures,

Volkswagen has chopped out
the rear bench

and replaced it with a pole
and some garden netting.

The rear parcel
shelf has also gone.

Along with most of the
insulation. They've even
ditched the floor mats.

And there's no arm rest.

And guess how much
that crash diet saves?

Thirty kilos.

I mean,
you can put that back on
after a big kebab.

The Clubsport has all
the performance, but almost
none of the practicality.

It's like it's forgotten
what hot hatches stand for.

I'd argue this isn't really
a hot hatch at all.

So if it's not
a hot hatch, what is it?

Well, ask Volkswagen,
and they'll tell you it's
a two-seater sports car

with an appetite
for race tracks.

One race track in particular.

The Nurburgring.

The scariest
circuit on the planet.

Thirteen miles and 73 corners
of twisting,
terrifying tarmac.

And the spiritual home
of the Clubsport S.

This is officially the fastest
front-wheel drive car

ever to lap this track.

It was developed here.
Tested here.

Every detail has been tweaked

to make this go
as fast as possible out there.

It even has sticky tyres,

fade-resistant brakes,
and proper
functional spoilers.

So what's this track-ready
Golf really like?

To find out, I've turned up
to a typical German track day

to see if the Clubsport S
can keep up with the locals,

who, let's face it,
seem to take
things pretty seriously.

Yes, getting the very best
out of the Golf in this field

was going to take some
real driving talent.

Right. Let's do this.

Hi, Rory.
Welcome to the Green Hell.

Yeah.
Why don't you show me around?

Yeah, for you,
I got a special present.

A map of the Nordschleife,
then you know
where we are exactly.

(LAUGHS) You
think we can keep up?

Ugh, no problem.

(ENGINE REVVING)

RORY: With Sabine
in confident mood,

we headed out
to see what
the Golf was made of.

It's like a little go-kart.

A front-wheel driven go-kart.
So much grip.

Okay. Okay!

SABINE:
Ah, I love the Carousel.

RORY: Okay, now I'm scared.

I love it!

(BOTH SCREAMING)

Your name is Rory Reid,
not Rory Worried. (LAUGHS)

I'm very worried right now.
Oh, my God!

RORY: Now, I was keen
to really drill down

into the merits
of the Golf's
chassis dynamics.

-(SCREAMING)
-Oh, sorry!

RORY: But then
Sabine spotted some prey.

Oh, they're our enemies!

Okay.
We have some cars up ahead.

RORY: So we went hunting.

Come on, little Golf!

-SABINE: What is it?
-That's a 3 Series BMW!

RORY: Later!
SABINE: Yeah!

I wonder how he feels
being overtaken by a Golf.

(BOTH LAUGH)

I think we need
another victim.

BOTH: I can see a Porsche!

RORY: That looks like a...
It's a Cayman R.

-It's a Cayman R!
-Yup. The quick one.

Yeah. Bye-bye, baby.

It's a Cayman GT4! (LAUGHS)

SABINE: Whoo!

-We're just
giant-killing right now!
-Whoo!

I'm gonna start
writing these down.

Oh, yeah.

RORY: In the hands of Sabine,

the Golf wasn't just
keeping up with the locals...

-Loser, loser! Loser!
-(BOTH LAUGHING)

...it was owning them.

RORY: Come on, little Golf.

Coming closer!

-Look at this!
-Yeah!

-That was a Corolla 4 GT-S!
-Bye!

-Yeah?
-That is a £90,000 car.

Ah, cool! (LAUGHS)

RORY: Which made me wonder,
while we were out here,

could the Golf
actually overtake
a million quid's worth?

Okay. (LAUGHS)

Only one way to find out.

Whoo-hoo! Go, go, go, go!

Come on, come on, come on.

-What is that?
-That is a Corvette.

Oh, my God! That's the CL6.

-Seriously?
-RORY: That's 90 grand!

There's a Golf
GTI on your tail!

-(LAUGHS)
-Bye!

Sabine,
I'm trying to write here.

But Sabine was in the zone.

(LAUGHS)

She was braking later.

On the power earlier.

-Whoo!
-RORY: That's a GT3.

They're a hundred grand!

The Golf was astonishing.

SABINE: Nissan GTR!
RORY: Eighty grand.

Now past the half
million pound mark...

We need more.

Sabine wasn't done yet.

RORY:
Come on, come on, come on.
SABINE: What is it?

That looks like
a Porsche 911 Turbo.

I'll catch you, my friend!

Oh, you are on it.
You are on it.

No brakes.

-Yeah!
-We're catching him!
We're catching him!

Get out of my way!

911 Turbo, destroyed!

(BOTH LAUGH)

How much is it?

RORY: That's £130,000!

SABINE: Whoo! Whoo-hoo!

RORY: With 700 grand's worth
of overtakes now in the bag,

nothing was safe
from our little hatchback.

-What is that?
-That's a Lamborghini!

-A Lamborghini? Yeah!
-It's a Lamborghini!

RORY:
That's a 570 SuperLeggera!

And I mean, nothing.

SABINE: Yeah! We got him!

-Oh, my God! Oh, my God!
-Whoo!

RORY: Then,
around the next corner...

One more! One more!

-Yeah, a 911 GT3 RS!
-Whoo!

If you get this,
you've done it!
Get him! Get him!

Come on, little Golf.
Are we gonna get the GT3?

SABINE:
We have to overtake him!
RORY: Are we gonna get him?

-Are we gonna get him?
-BOTH: We got him! We got him!

(LAUGHING)

Have some of that!
Have some of that!

-You are not human.
You are not human.
-(LAUGHING)

This car!

SABINE: I love my job.

(AUDIENCE CHEERING)

Very nice!

Great driving, Sabine.
Great driving.
You crushed everything.

Yeah. Even him. (LAUGHS)

-No, the car was really great.
-Yeah?

Good handling,
like a little go-kart.
I had so much fun.

I think you had
a little bit of fun
as well, Rory?

I was having
fun up to a point,
and then, you know,

my stomach was churning around
a little bit, but we...

MATT: Yeah?
How bad? Not too bad?

It was... It was touch and go.

-Touch and go?
-Touch and go.

All right, now,
not that we don't
trust Rory's math,

but we added it all up
back at the office,

and you passed £1.1 million
worth of cars out there.
Way to go!

But, I must say,

I could have done two million,

but I had that heavy fat oaf
in my passenger seat.

-Whoa, whoa!
-I thought we were friends!

Downhill, yes, but uphill, no.

Okay, all right, look,
can we just take a minute to
appreciate the Clubsport S?

All right? Thirty-four grand
is a lot for a hot hatch,

but that's cheap for something
that can annihilate
six-figure supercars. Okay?

Yeah, if you have
a Sabine driving it.

MATT: You know?
RORY: This is true.

If it's you and me driving it,
it's just an expensive Golf
with no backseat.

All right, I take your point.

Sabine, we're gonna talk
more about that lap

-over an Extra
Gear later on, okay?
-We'll do that.

Yup, yup, that's right. Check
it out. Ladies and gentlemen,
Sabine Schmitz!

(AUDIENCE CHEERING)

Thank you.

So, er, no pressure then.

-Yeah, what,
so I have to follow that.
-Yeah.

Is that deliberate?

-(AUDIENCE LAUGHS)
-Well, yes.

MATT: All right,
how cool was that, huh?

That was really,
really brilliant.

MATT: Yeah!

All right, now.
It's dream garage, okay?

You have £100,000 to spend,
you want something exciting,

but just a little bit scary.

Something that'll
get the blood pumping,
but not...

Too much, you know?
What do you get?

Okay. Er, I could go BAC Mono,
you know, the car that
looks like an F1 car.

-MATT: Oh, yeah.
-Superb engine.
Chevy Corvette, maybe.

-Stingray.
-Mmm-hmm.

What is it with you
and Corvette Stingrays?

Cayman GT4 with shaved-down
rear tyres for a bit of
slidy-slidy, perfect.

Mmm-hmm. Uh-huh.
Okay, both good answers,

both wrong answers, okay,

because if you
wanna spend £100,000
on something exciting,

but a bit scary,
you want one of these, huh?

(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)

That is the Bunning
Lowlander Widebody
380 HD.

-That's what you want.
-What the hell is that?

Well, that's a rear-end
muck-spreader, obviously.

"HD" stands for
High Definition.

How do you know that?

MATT: Everybody knows that!

-I don't know that.
-These people all know that.

-Do you know that?
-AUDIENCE: Yeah.

-RORY: Oh yeah, thanks.
Yeah, cheers.
-(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)

So that thing
just spreads...poop?

Well, yeah, it spreads poo,
but that's not all it spreads.

-Oh, no.
-MATT: Wanna know
what else it spreads?

What else does it spread?

(LAUGHING) A melon,
a shed, and a Volvo.
Check this out.

This is the Bunning
Lowlander Widebody
380 HD.

And it spreads
muck really well.
Check this out.

Okay,
I got my trusty assistant
with me today.

She's super competent.
Her name's Tamsin Greig.

Let's rock and roll.

-Mind my melons.
-(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)

I think this is
gonna be fun, Tam.

Oh, it's a melon storm, wow.
(LAUGHING)

(LAUGHING)

MATT: What a mess.

Next is the shed.

Okay, Tam, she's all loaded.
That is a shed in the chute.

Let's make some matchsticks.

Ooh! (LAUGHS)

Are you having fun?

MATT: Whoo.

There's still one
side of it left,
being a bit stubborn.

Okay, Tam, I got the
perfect thing to get rid of
that last piece of wood.

Our scrap Volvo!

(LAUGHING)

Okay, this is a big one, Tam.
We're gonna need
full power, I think.

(LAUGHS)

There goes the bonnet.

Oh, the poor Volvo.

I've never seen
you so excited!
Whoo-hoo!

MATT:
Oh, there goes the wheel!

(LAUGHING)

There's a lot of leg room
in that car now.

(LAUGHING)

(LAUGHS) So there you have it.

That is the Bunning
Lowlander Widebody
380 HD.

It spreads stuff.
All over the place.
(LAUGHING)

(AUDIENCE CHEERING)

Hold up, that's...
That's a poo-spreader.

What kind of animal produces
the kind of poo that needs
a machine like that?

It doesn't matter. Any animal.

It'll spread anything,
anywhere, anytime.

-It was awesome.
-I have never seen
you look so happy.

Yeah, yeah. I think
you enjoyed yourself too
in the big tractor.

No, no, that was good,
'cause I was the one,
you know,

making the things
and the things...

But I knew you'd
know about this stuff

because you play a farmer
in The Archers, don't you?

I play a farmer
on Radio 4's...

You don't know about this
'cause you never
ask me any questions.

-On a programme
called The Archers.
-The Archers?

The Archers.

Is that an archery show?
What is that?

Oh, tell him.

The Archers is a long-running
radio show on Radio 4,
started in 1951, I think?

And it's about a made-up place
called Ambridge, which we
think is in Somerset.

You've been on
a radio show since 1951?

Not that long, '91.

Yeah, I let them kind of
warm it up for 30 years
before I joined it.

How did I not know this?

-Because you don't
ask me any questions.
-That's right.

So, yeah,
I've done a lot of stuff
with muck spreading,

and my character
drives a huge
combine harvester,

which is kind of
the size of a bungalow.

Ooh, what kind of
combine harvester?

A big one!
Size of a bungalow.

Well, is it like an
International Harvester,
is it a John Deere...

I mean, what is it?

(LAUGHS)

It's like a chair
in a radio studio.

(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)

But I stand on the chair
to get a height differential.

Why?

Because then you can hear
the difference in height

when I'm up there
and someone's shouting to me.

So it sounds
like a tall machine?

What do you do?
So you record your
pieces standing on a chair...

Yeah. And shouting down to
the person who's not in
the combine harvester.

You should see me
when I'm riding a horse.

(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)

Right, now it is time to see
how you went
around our test track.

Are you ready?

-The big moment.
-Yeah.

-How do you think you did?
-Um, well.

I was really afraid...

-Great.
-Really afraid. And...

Great.

And I was most afraid
of the weather, and being
in the car on my own.

But was it fun?
Did you enjoy it?

I did...
It was the kind of like,

you know when you've had just
too much coffee?

Yeah!

And you remember each coffee,
but then you're
left with this feeling

-that you don't
know what to do with.
-Yeah.

So, if that's enjoyment,
then yes.

What do you think?
Do you think she
had a good time?

-Definitely not.
-All right, well,

yeah? Should we take a look?

Yeah, I think
before we watch the lap,
though, it needs to be said

that it was really, really
slippery. Almost flooded
conditions, so...

Yeah, it was horrendous
out there. That was,
like, just shy of ice.

(LAUGHING)

MATT:
All right, let's take a look.

CHRIS: Okay, here we go,
Tamsin Greig, GT 86.

Pretty good off the line.

Slick gear change,
up into third...

Don't know if I
should change gear.
Should I change gear?

Oh, it's telling
me to change gear.
Well, it's too late.

CHRIS: Now look at this.
Good speed and
look how wet it is.

Puddles everywhere.
Third gear,
not quite on the line.

Grass!

-That's
the grass there, Tamsin.
-(EXCLAIMS)

You must have... Yeah, you
were a bit scared there,
weren't you?

You went on the grass.

Here we go, third gear.

Oh, you're in second.
I think you're
in second there.

I think you're being cautious,
is the word there, cautious.

-(GEAR GRINDS)
-Ooh,
sorry, I will pay for that.

No, Matt will pay for that.

Is that the gearbox again?
Is that the gearbox again?

Third gear, down the straight,
braking hard.

Look how wet it is.

I do feel sorry for you,
it was properly wet.

Okay.
Come on, get on the power,
get on the power...

(GEAR GRINDS)

Ooh! Sorry.
Okay, I'll pay for that one.
Matt'll pay for the first.

CHRIS:
So down the back straight.

Oh, breathe, come on, breathe.

CHRIS: You weren't breathing
in training, were you?
No, you weren't!

There's the Follow-Through,
safely navigated.

It's really brilliant
when you go fast
around corners.

CHRIS: Oh, through the tyres.

Oh,
you can actually accelerate
around corners!

I've never been
able to do that
in Northwest London.

CHRIS: Look at your line.

Your line was always really
good into that
corner though, wasn't it?

-That was the one.
-Was it?

That's the most unsighted
corner on the circuit,
but you always nailed it.

Okay, Gambon.

-(BLOWS RASPBERRY)
-I mean, it's not...
It's what I...

-It's what I'd call...
-MATT: Yeah!

...controlled driving.

Yeah!

Okay, now considering
it was a swimming
pool out there...

-TAMSIN: Yes.
-Are you happy with that?

Um, it looks a lot
slower than it felt.

It was like an old lady
going to the shops.

(CHUCKLES) Chris,
how do you think she did?

Um, I'm confident.
I think we've got a good,
solid time.

And we've got
someone that's alive.

MATT: Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Okay, you ready?

Now, the time to
beat is still a 1:39.5,

set by Max Whitlock,
the Olympic demi-god.

Have you ever seen his scissor
work on the pommel-horse?
Fantastic.

-Really, really.
Okay, never mind.
-Calm down!

Um, Tamsin Greig.
You went around our track...

CHRIS: Here we go.

-In one minute...
-CHRIS: Yes!

-...fifty-eight...
-(LAUGHS)

-CHRIS: Yes!
-...point seven.

CHRIS: Yes!

MATT: But, but, but...
CHRIS: That's a wet time!

MATT: That is a wet time.
CHRIS: That's a wet time!

That's a wet time!
You're okay. You're okay.

-CHRIS: Look at that!
-Right there!

You're all right. You're okay.
You're all right. You're okay.

-That's the second
fastest wet time.
-MATT: Yeah!

And the last wet time we had
was not nearly that wet,
I don't think.

No, it wasn't.

-That's a fantastic job.
-Okay,
thank you, well, listen.

We're here,
you know, we're alive,

and I haven't brought too much
shame on the family. So...

-No shame on the family.
-We all... We all win.

-Yeah.
-Yeah.

I did really, really
secretly really enjoy it.

You should be
proud of yourself,
that was great.

Ladies and gentlemen,
Tamsin Greig! Come on!

(AUDIENCE CHEERING)

You did great, fantastic.

Thanks, couldn't have
done it without you.

Thank you, well done.

-And you're still alive, so...
-Yeah, I am.

Whoo!

Okay,
now I wanna talk sports cars.

Not big, intimidating,
fire-breathing
supercar monsters,

but affordable, adorable,
attainable cars.

Cars with romance, you know?

Now, you think about
sports cars like that,

and there's only one place
that springs to mind, right?

MATT: Italy.
There's just something
about it, isn't there?

Especially if
you're in a classic
Italian sports car.

Like this.
The Fiat 124 Spider.

Bella, huh?

Born in 1966, the 124 Spider
was designed by Pininfarina.

It had a sparkly
twin-cam engine,

a cutting-edge five-speed
manual gearbox.

And it weighed about
as much as an actual spider.

And it was
bellissima to drive.

Still is. Still is.

(TYRES SCREECHING)

MATT:
The 124 Spider was so good,
so timeless,

that Fiat kept building it
for nearly two decades.

But that was thirty years ago.

And ever since, fans of
simple, sensibly-priced
Italian two-seaters

have been left kinda hungry.

But now,
Fiat has a new
dish on the menu.

This is the Fiat
124 Spider Abarth.

Classic name, classic recipe.

Small, lightweight,
brilliantly back to basics.

(SIGHS)

It's stick shift,
rear-wheel drive,

and the roof is
not some complicated
transformer robot

of metal and motors.

It's just a little scrap
of fabric that you operate
using one of these.

Just pop it up.

And pop it down.
Simple as that.

And when you get
it out on the road,

you can really
start to appreciate
that beautiful simplicity.

Hello, Parmigiana panna cotta.

(MATT CHUCKLES)

Oh, right.
The car. (CLEARS THROAT)

See, this 124 is a throwback
to a less complicated age.

Sure, sometimes you want
a state-of-the-art sports car

with your torque vectoring

and your
magnetic-adapted damping
and a double-clutch gearbox

and a Wi-Fi
enabled milk frother.

But sometimes,
you just wanna
keep it simple, right?

So,
after a thirty-year absence,

is this finally the genuine
Italian sports car we've
been waiting for?

Buongiorno.
Uh, un cafe espresso si prega?

(SIGHS)

Well, here's the problem.
I'm not really in Italy.

FANS: Hi, Matt.

Hiya. (LAUGHS)

I'm in Los Angeles.
And this is a film set.

And this waiter,
he's not called
Alessandro or Giuseppe.

His name is Hunter.

Hey.

-Can you read my film script?
-Oh, sure.

And this 124 is
not an Italian car.

Uh, sure, it's got a Fiat
badge on it and a few bits
of it come from Italy,

but underneath,
this is Japanese.

Specifically,
it's one of these.

A Mazda Miata, or MX-5,
as you guys call it.

And while pretty much
every car in the world

shares something
with another car,

these two share
pretty much everything.

Check out the Mazda's cabin.

And now check out
the Fiat's cabin.

Mazda.

Fiat.

Mazda.

Fiat.

Wait, hang on. Which is which?

The 124 is even built in Japan
on the same
production line as the MX-5.

Now, if you're gonna borrow
from a little sports car,

the MX-5 is definitely
where you wanna start.

However, the stuff
the Italians have added

seems to have made it worse.

You see, where the Mazda
uses
a naturally-aspirated motor,

this 124 uses a turboed motor.

Yeah,
you get a bit of extra power,
168 horsepower to be exact,

and this 124 will
do zero to sixty
in 6.8 seconds,

and has a top speed
of 144 miles an hour.

That's quick enough
to leave that
Mazda in its dust.

But, and this may sound picky,
but that's kinda my job...

These kinda cars are meant
to be all about instant
throttle response

and high revs and
keeping you connected
to the chassis.

But here,
when you put your foot down,

there's just that
little bit of turbo lag,

that slight hesitation
before things get going.

It's just enough
to break the connection.

It's like trying to
tie your shoelaces
with boxing gloves on.

It's a pain in the ass.

So the Mazda has the Fiat
beaten on feel.

But at least
the 124's cheap, right?

Well, no.
This one costs
nearly 30 grand.

Which is almost
nine grand more
than the fastest MX-5.

Mamma mia.

Now don't get me wrong.
This isn't an awful car.

But this was Fiat's chance
to summon the ghost

of all those classic
Italian sports cars,

to revive that '60s spirit.

Yeah, it's a fun
car to flick around
on a windy canyon road,

but to call it the 124,
I don't know.

That name feels like
it should have
that '60s spirit.

And this car, it just doesn't.

It's like the way it looks,
all 21st century retro.

It's just a bit fake.

So if you want
a two-seat Italian sports car

that takes you back
to the golden age,

and come on, who doesn't?

I'm afraid I can't recommend
the Fiat 124.

I can, however,
recommend the Fiat 124.

Seriously.

If you want to live out
all those '60s
Italy fantasies,

and I really don't
blame you if you do,

then why not do it in a car
from '60s Italy?

Molto bene.

Buona sera.

Popida poopida.

(ENGINE REVVING)

(AUDIENCE CHEERING)

I tried. I wanted to like it.

I really did.
I really wanted to like it.

Yeah,
you're right, you're right.
It's... It's a let-down.

I mean, I just can't get
on board with the styling.

To me, it's kind of,
I dunno, droopy.

It's such a disappointment.
And the worst thing is,

it doesn't even
feel rear-wheel drive

-'cause it's got so much grip.
-MATT: Yeah.

This is a beautiful moment.

What? Why?

We agree.

(AUDIENCE CHEERING)

-Right? We all hate it.
-We do.

Okay, on next week's show,

I'm the first person ever
to review the Bugatti Chiron.

-(AUDIENCE EXCLAIMS)
-Yeah, yeah, yeah.

And I'm the first person ever

to review the new
Ducatti 1299 Superleggera.

(AUDIENCE CHEERING)

And they gave me
a Renault Twingo.

(AUDIENCE CHEERING)

It's a big, big show.
We'll see you then.
Good night!