Top Gear (2002–…): Season 23, Episode 2 - Episode #23.2 - full transcript

Jenson Button drives Chris around in the new McLaren 675LT and both Chris and Matt with the help of Eddie Jordan test Jaguar, Mercedes and Porsche SUV's in South Africa whilst being joined by musicians Tinie Tempah, Sharleen Spiteri and Seasick Steve. Special Guest - Damien Lewis (Star of Billions, Wolf Hall and Homeland).


EVANS: Tonight,
I get even more shouty.


Matt has a serious word.

Did you remember
to push the button?

And Eddie Jordan doesn't
speak for over a second.


Hello! Welcome to Top Gear.

I need to apologise
for the lack of consciousness

of my colleague,
Chris Evans, here.

You see, he had to
be heavily sedated

following the making
of tonight's first film

during which,
even by his standards,

he got a little overexcited.

Come on, buddy, come on.

-There we go.

He'll be all right in about
eight-and-a-half minutes.

EVANS: The McLaren F1

landed somewhere
from outer space in 1992.

A study in
extreme performance,

with ground-breaking
carbon fibre construction.

Enhanced by magnesium
and 24-carat gold.



The results
were breath-taking.

The F1's top speed,
more than 240 miles an hour.

Which meant for a dozen years,

it stood alone
as the world's fastest car.

McLaren, though,
didn't stop there.

In 1995, they
entered the F1 GTR

in the infamous Le Mans
24-hour endurance race.

First time out, it won.

And then, still not satisfied,
they created this.

Lighter, and with
more downforce,

an even purer
competition version,

and christened it the
McLaren F1 Longtail.


It's so powerful!

It's so naughty!

It's so loud!

McLaren only built 10,

which makes ownership
a pretty exclusive club.

Cost to join,
10 million pounds.

That's what this car is worth.

Which is why, although
this car is road legal,

I'm perfectly fine

driving it on our very
friendly, deserted airfield!


This car is ridiculous!

Oh, my God!

Oh, my God!

The Longtail name

came to represent McLaren
at its most extreme.

And even though they've
built plenty of cars since,

none of them has been
considered outrageous enough

to pick up where
the original left off.

Until now.

This is the McLaren 675LT.

Yes, once again,
that's "LT" for Longtail.

And whilst this one's
actually a road car,

as opposed to an
out and out race car,

it's still really,
really, really fast.

Here I am at standstill.


Naught to 60 in 2.8 seconds!

Naught to 100 in five seconds.
That's a ban.

That's six months in prison!

Eighteen months in prison!

Never see your kids again!

The 675LT borrows from
McLaren's 650S supercar.

Like its twin turbo, 3.8 litre
V8 engine, for example.

That said, half its innards
have been upgraded,

which means brake horsepower
has risen to 666.

The number of the beast.


That's the fastest
I've ever been in a car.



So plenty of
added speed, then.

But the 675 is also about
what's been taken away.

First of all, this car is

an incredible 100 kilograms
lighter than its 650 sibling.

The carbon fibre seats
save 15 kilograms.

A millimetre of glass has been
shaved off the windscreen,

and that saves
three kilograms.

The wheels are lighter

than you'll find
on its big brother, the P1.

And my favourite thing of all,

even the lacquer

that's coated on
the carbon fibre

is now satin
instead of gloss,

saving a crucial 50 grams.

Is all this bothersome
forensic nipping and tucking

and shaving and fiddling
really worth it?

Er, yeah!

Into Chicago
at 100 miles an hour.
Slow it right down!

I'll try and get it around,
all the way around.

Can we do that?

Yes, we can!

Hammerhead has
never been more fun!

-[LAUGHING] Oh! Whoa!

Okay, it's time
to admit, though,

the 675LT does have a huge
bunch of tricks up its sleeve,

which allow you
to drive like a hero,

without wiping yourself
across a Surrey airfield.

Of course, you can
turn off all the hero buttons,

in which case, you'd
actually have to be a hero,

which I'm not.
But fortunately,

-I do have one with me.
-All right, Chris?

Do you fancy
swapping places?

'Cause I really
want to swap places.


EVANS: With all the driving
aids turned off, of course,

Jenson told me he needed
to warm the tyres up, a bit.



-What I really
love about this car...
-[GASPS] Yes. the finish here,
this Alcantara here.

I mean, you just
don't get that, do you,
in your family wagon?


And the climate control
system. Have a little
touch on that.

I tell you what,
this radio is, it's new.

A new navigation system.
And, oh, my God,
it works well.

-Right, there is now
smoke in the car.

You see,
I don't get to do this.

I've got a serious job.
I'm having amazing fun!

EVANS: To get
us back on track,

I decide to ask Jenson
a sensible question.

How does it compare to the P1,
because they say

it's sort of stolen
a lot from the P1.

Can you feel the P1 in it?

Yeah. I have a P1 at home.

And I don't obviously
drive on the road quick,

but you can feel
the stiffness in here,

and it's just really
on the burn.

The front track
is a lot wider,

so you've got that turn in,

which most road cars miss.

Most road cars
miss that initial turn in.

And it feels like a race car.

And the worst bit is,
I've got a 650S.

-I know, I know!
-I've got a P1.

-I know.
-I haven't got one of these!

-And they've all sold out!

That's why this day
is very special for me,

because this is the first time
I've driven this car

and it will probably be the
last time I drive it as well.

You can have this one!
Nobody's gonna want it
after you've driven it.

-I don't want this one!

Now, this is not easy.
Be careful here

because you don't
want to mess it up,

-you don't want to
go on the grass!

-Well, I've seen it all!

EVANS: The 675LT, then,

really does live up
to the Longtail name.

And just like
the amazing F1, where
this whole story started,

it takes McLaren's trademark
obsession with detail

and sprinkles it with
just enough madness

to become unforgettable.

The result? Brilliant.
Maybe even legendary.


Hey, look who's back.


By the way, Matt,
thank you for the grapes,

and thank you
for looking after me.

You're a very nice person.

Aw, that's nice, yeah, here.

Okay. This car, £260,000.

You love this thing, right?

I love this thing.
But more importantly,

Jenson Button loves it.

And he said,
off camera afterwards,

he said, "This may be
better than the P1."

-Wow, really?
-EVANS: Yup.

Okay, back to you
for a second.

Don't you own one of these?


So, doesn't that
make you biased?



Okay, yes, of course
it might do a bit.

But I did buy it
after we made the film,

and apparently, within
"the rules," that's allowed.

Okay, but I thought you told
me they were all sold out.

No, they were all sold out,

but one bloke
paid his deposit,

cancelled his order, and
I stepped in. Honestly!

Uh-huh, does Jenson know that?

Well, he does now.
Anyway, that's not the point!

So, how fast does this car
go around our lap?

It's time to hand it over to
our tame racing driver!


Some say he's had a fly
in his helmet since 2007,
but he likes the company.

-And that he dreams
in Portuguese.

All we know is, he's called...

ALL: The Stig!

EVANS: So here we go.
Launch control off the line,

the 675LT, 666 horsepower.

The most powerful McLaren
ever to lap our track.

Right into the
first corner there.

And look how hard
Stig's working.

The superfast steering
to keep the 675 under control.

Stig looking positively
carefree this week,

as he heads to Chicago

and puts down the power
for Hammerhead.

The 675's massive
air brake doing its thing.

Rear-wheel-drive, of course,
only 1,300 kilos,

after all that weight shaving.

Can Stig tame the
mighty McLaren?

Of course he can!

Heading into the
follow-through now.

Stig clearly in
a jaunty mood today.

Up through that McLaren
twin-clutch gearbox.

Here comes the tyre wall.

And that looks seriously fast!

Second to last,

the 675 wriggling
around there, under braking.

Come on, Stiggy,
bring it home!

Into the last corner,
and across the line!



That did look
very, very quick.

We have had a McLaren
around the track before,
the McLaren MP4-12C.

A much pilloried car,
but did okay.

How about this, though?

The McLaren 675LT
with The Stig at the wheel,


Point seven!

It's a brand-new record!

-Well done!

Well done, McLaren!
Bring on the P1!

We want the P1!

Okay, okay, right on.

Ladies and gentlemen,
boys and girls,

-fish and chips...

SUV time.

It's our first ever
group road test on tour,

starring the much anticipated
Jaguar F-Pace.

-Yeah, but first, a warning.

The following film does not
feature flash photography,

nor does it contain scenes
of an adult nature.

However, it does feature
large chunks of Top Gear's
weird uncle, Eddie Jordan.


I can't understand
a word he says.

LeBLANC: South Africa.

Home to some of the world's
most diverse wildlife,

spectacular scenery,

and an environment alien
to most modern off-roaders.

Off road.

So we decided to start
our test in the SUV's

real natural habitat,

the city.

So, this is it.

Top Gear'sfirst
group test on tour.

The brand-new
Jaguar F-Pace.

Look at that car!

LeBLANC: Yeah,
it is good-looking.

It's huge, but
it's good-looking.
Yeah, yeah.

But I gotta say,
Jag doing SUVs

feels a little awkward to me.

That's what they said
when Porsche started SUVs.

EVANS: In particular,
your Porsche Macan.

Let's talk about your car.

This is the GLC.

It's all brand-new.
It's a proper car,
luxurious, stylish.

Remember, it's from the
same guys who build the best

Formula 1 car on this planet.

-Let's talk power.
-LeBLANC: Let's talk power.

I've got a three-litre
diesel V6.

I have a three-litre
diesel V6.

EVANS: Whee!

I have a four-cylinder
2.1 litre diesel.

-BOTH: Wa-wa. Wa-wa.

EVANS: Whilst Eddie attempted
to defend his lack of power,

-Matt received a challenge.

Okay, challenge.

"Welcome to Durban,
one metre above sea level.

"You and your cars will climb
2,872 vertical metres

"to the highest pub in Africa,

"where tomorrow night,

"it's music night.

"It is your job to
deliver the music

"which will arrive now."

And it would be
an eclectic line-up,
to say the least.

Joining chauffeur Eddie,
from Scotland, and from Texas,

Sharleen Spiteri.

-It's herself. A-ha!

He's gonna hate it
when he sees that
he walks like that.

LeBLANC: With chauffeur Chris
in the Jaguar F-Pace,

his old pal and blues legend,
Seasick Steve.

The winner! The winner!

-LeBLANC: And riding
with me in the Porsche...

LeBLANC: Chart-topping
British rapper, Tinie Tempah.

LeBLANC: All right,
let's kick some butt.

EVANS: Introductions over, and
with the music now on-board...

Here we go!

EVANS: It was
time to hit the road.

This is what a winning team
looks like. Take a look.

It's beautiful. Let's go!

Oh, this thing
drives pretty nice.

SHARLEEN: That Porsche
can definitely move.

-Can you reel them in?
-We'll show them.

EVANS: However, just a few
minutes into our journey
through urban Durban,

another challenge arrived.


"Okay, guys, you will
now assess the high speed
handling of your cars.

"Ahead, you will find
an urban circuit,

"around which you will race."

EVANS: Three laps
of a street circuit,

complete with
roundabouts, pavements,

and nowhere safe to crash.

With Sharleen, Steve
and Tinie on stopwatch duty,

we lined up
for a staggered start.

You ready, Chris?

Three, two, one, go!

Come on!

EVANS: Eddie, though,
had his own take on the rules.


That was so cheating!

Three, two, one, go!

Okay, Porsche,
here we go, darling!

We'd never cheat.
We would never cheat.

Three! He never
got to two, ma'am.

Come on, now!

First roundabout,
first chicane.

EVANS: The powerful
F-Pace might be the
largest crossover here,

but because it's made
from lightweight aluminium,

it corners like
a much smaller car.


Keep it tight. Keep it tight,
keep it tight, keep it tight.

Back down the road,
Eddie was in full vintage
racer mode.

-SHARLEEN: Oh, yeah, oh, yeah!

Oh, yeah!

EVANS: Braking late,

and carrying impressive
speed through the bends.

Oh, Eddie's quick
through the corners.

EVANS: But what about
his little problem?

His little engine.

On the straight,
his Merc simply didn't
have enough oomph.

And to make matters worse,
its nine-speed transmission

was spending
more time changing gear

than your average supermodel.

LeBlanc was closing in.

I see you, Eddie!

My God, Matt's quick!

LeBLANC: Plus, the Porsche
is the only car here

with a super-speedy
double-clutch transmission.

So it spends less time
shifting gears,

and more time doing this.


EVANS: I can see Jordan
and I can see LeBlanc,

we could be on for
an overtake here.

-SHARLEEN: Oh, my God,
he's right behind him!

Come on!

EVANS: With my Jag holding
its own up front, just about,

Eddie was doing all he could

to shake the Porsche
off his tail.

Sneaky little Irishman.

here they come!

Come on, Chris!

Yes! Whoo!

Oh, please, don't
let it be Matt. No, no.

Matt's in front!

-No! Come on!

EVANS: So, with
Eddie stone cold last,

was it me or Matt
who set the fastest time?

What was my time?
What was my time?

Your time. 2.31.

2.31, all right.
That's the time to beat.

What have we got?

-Oh, no, look at it!


Oh! Nice. All right,
all right, all right.

Well done!

EVANS: Grudgingly, we had
to concede Matt's Porsche
was quickest on tarmac.

But frankly, who cared?

As we were leaving
Durban behind

and heading for
the great outdoors.

And, feeling generous,
we let the musos
take over the driving,

as well as the stereo.

New single, guys!

♪ All the girls like

♪ Said I was the man

♪ All I ever needed was a plan

♪ Tell JK that
I'm still rolling

Hey, that's not fair.

♪ Yeah, tell Russell
I'm a brand, hey, hey ♪

I'm not putting on
a Texas album.

EVANS: As we munched up
the miles in convoy,

through funky towns
and colourful villages,

the roads opened up,
as did the horizon.

And behind the wheel,
Steve was falling for the Jag.

This is a lovely car to drive.

Seats are nice, I like that.

I feel fancy.

-Do you?

And I never feel fancy,

LeBLANC: As we left
civilisation behind,

the drive just got better
and better, and better.

Nice road.

This is beautiful.

Oh, how beautiful is this?

And then, just like that,

our off-road adventure began.

Look at it out there.

No, look... No, no, no,
I look at the view.

STEVE: Look at
that view over there.

EVANS: No, Steve,
look at the hairpin bend.

LeBLANC: Because they'd
lost the road race,

we decided Eddie
and Sharleen should sit

at the back of the pack,
eating our dust.

Hey, guys,
while you're having a ball,

we're just getting pummelled
with all your rocks back here.

[GASPS] Jesus,
did you see that?

Sharleen, you and Eddie
are gonna have to repaint that
Mercedes when this is over.

Meanwhile, we were
up front with clean air and
a clear view to play with.


And Tinie was having fun.




LeBLANC: Luckily, before
Tinie got us too acquainted
with the scenery,

-Chris received a text.

"You will now test
the off-road stability

"of your sporting crossovers.

"Up ahead, you will
find a dirt track.

"You must complete
the climb within a minimum
time of three minutes,

"carrying two of
South Africa's famous
sundowner cocktails.

"The couple with
the most drink
left in their glasses

"at the end gets first
pick of overnight

"Good luck, everyone."

-No way.

Come on! We've got to
try and win something.

LeBLANC: Wow-ee.

I think there will be more
on us than in those glasses.


EVANS: I get the
next one. Yeah?

LeBLANC: Yeah. Come on.
EVANS: Okay.

Oh, my God.

No wonder they covered
everything in plastic.

TINIE: Easy now.

Ah, man!

[LAUGHS] God, this is
gonna be crazy.

I'm already wet.

SHARLEEN: You've got it?

Ooh, nice.

EDDIE: We had spotted
the protective plastic tube

which gave Sharleen an idea.

Don't let them see that.

-Oh, [BLEEP]! My balls!

[CHUCKLING] My balls are wet.

LeBLANC: So, having
won the road race,

we were the first to tackle
the two-mile track.

MAN: Go!

Easy, Tinie.

And it's fair to say,
we weren't gonna break
any land speed records.


EVANS: That is so slow.
STEVE: Three-minute
minimum, remember.

There's a three-
minute minimum.

I think you'll have
to go faster than that.

So, he did.

I'm in the zone.
I'm in the... Oh!
I'm in the zone.

Back at the start,
Chris and Steve set off
with a thirst for victory.

Yep, good. Good so far.

Ooh! This is the hard part.

Whoa! [LAUGHS]

STEVE: Now, we're doing good.

Hit the jackpot
there, Steve.

STEVE: You know, well...
EVANS: I've gotta tell you.

If we don't win this,

MAN: Go!

-Make it steady.
-I'm okay.

You're doing awesome, man.


Did I get you? I'm sorry.
Those are cashmere pants?

Those are nice pants.

EVANS: I tell you what,
the Jag's all right, isn't it?

Man, you're rocking it.
And this car's very smooth.

Look at it, hanging there.
I'm relaxed now.

-Steve, this is
good driving... Wait!
-STEVE: A little bit.


LeBLANC: Soon,
the finish was in sight.

And we did it.

LeBLANC: And with all of
us across the line in time,

as we pulled up
for the judging,

the pressure
was overwhelming.

-Oh! No, no, no, no, no!

LeBLANC: But hey, we thought,
whatever happens, at least
we'd all given it a fair go.

EVANS: Whoa! Whoa!

-What do you think?
-TINIE: Why's it so pink?

-I'm suspicious.
-Shaken, not stirred.

They weren't that colour
when you picked them up
off the table.

What have you
got going on there?

What are you
suggesting, Matthew?

All right, here.
This is ours, on the end.

-Look how much they have.

She is the most gentle
driver that God has
ever created.

-Just a small question...
-I think there's some
cheating going on.

-Something's not cool.
-Look at those guys' faces.

Cheaters, all four
of them cheated.

-Dishonest people.
-All full of cheaters.

No, we didn't cheat.

You held those in your hand
the whole time?

I had them in the hand.
No, she held that one.

LeBLANC: Clearly,
my colleagues were lying.

And as they argued the results
amongst themselves,

we realised that
Eddie's cheating
had actually paid off.

It's not a contest, we've won.

We didn't win at the racing,
but we won.

No shame
in their voices, either.

-No shame, no shame.

Matt, we love you
for being so honest.

Those guys are two
decent human beings.

Yeah, just too nice.

LeBLANC: With a clear
conscience, we drove on
through the murky gloom.

And while the others
were full of wonder...

This is an adventure, man.

...with Tinie and I having
last choice of accommodation,

we were about to find out
what happens to nice guys.

LeBLANC: Wow, look at this.

And then,
out of the darkness...

Oh, no, look at our tent.

Look at our tent!

-Oh, no!
-TINIE: What the hell is this?

at the size of their tent.

TINIE: Oh, gosh!



Part two of our South African
adventure, coming up.

Matt, do you miss
your tiny tent?

I don't.

Do you miss your
Tinie Tempah?


I do. I like that guy.

All right, well,
let me tell you.

Please welcome here, tonight,
not Tinie Tempah.

Sorry, he couldn't make it.

However, please do welcome
our other three co-stars
from South Africa,

Sharleen Spiteri,
Seasick Steve, Eddie Jordan

and tonight's superstar
in the rally cross car,
Damian Lewis!

Hello, Damian.

I've got it.
Hi, babe. How are you?

-Hi, Steve.

Hi, Eddie. How are you?

-I've just got to say...
-EVANS: What?

Three, three against one?
Is that...

Is that fair?

Well, you say you're one,
Damian, but first of all,

not only are you
ace at football,

you're brilliant at golf,

you're an
accomplished cricketer,

but also, you are Nick Brody
from Homeland,everybody.

-Come on!

The toughest man to
come out of the States
in 10 years.

You're also Henry VIII,
come on.

The most ruthless man
to come out of England
in 1,000 years.

And now you're Bobby Axelrod.
Here we go!

Look at that dude.

Oh, yes, the most
loveable rogue

since The Wolf of Wall Street.

That's why, you see.
That's what's going on there.

Got it, three,
three into one. Got it.

We need three normal people

to even stand a chance
of beating you.

Steve, tell us a little
bit more about what

Damian's up to at the moment.

Damian Lewis is currently
starring as Bobby Axelrod

in the Sky Atlantic
smash hit, Billions.

Check this out.

He's an icon of the wealth
of our age and he's a fraud.

When did it become
a crime to succeed
in this country?

When he falls, he's gonna
hit the ground hard.

CHUCK: A good matador
doesn't kill a fresh bull.

You wait until he's been
stuck a few times.


It's the new big thing.

Sky Atlantic,
9:00 p.m., Thursdays.

Or binge on the box set,
that's what we do.

It's what we did.
We just finished it
last night. It's brilliant.

Very car-y show,
isn't it, by the way?

I get to drive
some fantastic cars.

They closed down
the West Side Highway

one day, in Manhattan,

as I got into an old Bentley
Convertible Continental.

Went swerving in and out
down the West Side Highway.

I've got a Dodge Charger.

It's got those lovely,
big bucket seats.

A bit like this.

So it's a bit like, you roll
around like you're in
a big sofa, as well.

But it's got some poke in it,
which is great.

Eddie, you have a question?

Very important question.

Damian, we all want to know,

will you be the first
ginger James Bond?


EDDIE: Come on!

If Chris turns it down,


I'd be only too happy.

How far are you...

Is this one question
you get sick of being asked?

No, I don't get sick
of it, I love it.

EVANS: Do you?

But it is chatter.
It is just chatter.

But you seem to embrace
the question as opposed to
sort of poo-pooing it.

Have you made any overtures
to the producers of Bond?

No one has called me, Chris.
No one has called me.

-Have you called them at all?
-The name's Bond.

-Sorry, you didn't ask me...
-Do it! Do it! Do it! Do it!

So Sharleen is
the new Bondgirl.

Let's make this happen. Go on.

The name's Bond, Ginge Bond.


Nothing wrong with that.

Nothing wrong
with that at all.

DAMIAN: There you go.

It's you or me.
It's you or me.

So, actually, we have
three musicians here.

'Cause, Eddie, you've
got a band, haven't you?

And, Shar, you're in
the middle of making

a brand-new album
as well, aren't you?

-Made a new album. Yeah.
-EVANS: Okay, congratulations.

And, Steve, your latest album
is out on the 7th of October,

and you have the biggest
live gig of your life

at Wembley on the 14th.

Biggest live gig of his life,
ladies and gentlemen!

I'm not nervous.

I'm not nervous.
I'm not nervous.

What's the name
of your new album, Steve?

The name of the new
record is Keeping the Horse
Between Me and the Ground.

Good philosophy
when you're riding one.

EVANS: That's
a great philosophy.

All right,
let's get onto cars.

Okay, so, it's you
against Team South Africa.

First of all, first car,
what are you going for?

First car? I had a Subaru,
which, I, um...

I actually went travelling
in South Africa...

-EVANS: Yup.
-...for a bit.

And, er... [CLEARS THROAT]

That's where
I got my first car.

I got in a big old Subaru that
took me across the Kruger,

into the safari parks,

and I went down through
the Karoo into it.

Right. But you can't
remember which kind of
Subaru it was, can you?

-I think it was an Impraisa.
-An Impreza?

-That, too.
-Yeah, doesn't
matter, does it?

Well-known off-road car.

The Subaru Impreza.
-Did it look like this?


Who's the girl selling it?

-Great first hair.

-That was Hamlethair.
-EVANS: Was it?

-Regent's Park
Open Air Theatre.

All right, first car for
Team South Africa,
we're going with Steve.

Steve, you've got to beat
the Subaru Impreza.

STEVE: No problem.

First car was a 1949 Ford.

-A 1949 Ford?
-STEVE: Yeah.

It didn't have a name, did it?
It was just called a "Ford."

People called them "Shoebox"

'cause they always
had a slabbed side.

But this particular car...

I was walking out
in the woods,

and I saw this car,
it was abandoned

and the windows was open,

it had blackberry vines
growing through it.

And I just fell in love
with this car.

I looked at the registration,

it had the address.

Went over to the guy's house
and I go,

"Found your car
out in the woods."

He goes, "You want it?"

I go, "Yeah."
And he gave me the keys.

So, you know,
I go, "Yeah, really?

"You're giving me the car?"

He goes,
"Yeah, it don't work."

So, I got a battery

and I filled up a wine bottle
full of gas

and I dumped some gas
in the carburettor,

stuck the battery in,
and it started right up.

And that was up in
Washington State,

and I drove it down
to California.

-Along the coast.

And all of Steve's stories
are all that good, by the way.

About anything.

Steve, I heard you went
to the shop the other day.

"Well, let me tell you
about that."

So, a 1949 Ford Shoebox.
There you go, okay.

That car did not
look that good.


What about you?

Should we try and take
you back in time now?


Is that really me?
I look even old there.

All right.
Well, it is best first car.

Let's see them both
together, back to back.

We've got Steve's
Ford '49 Shoebox

and we've got
Damian's Impreza.

Let's hear it for Steve's
Ford '49 Shoebox.


EVANS: With a great story.

Or Damian's Subaru Impreza.


Steve takes the first round.

One-nil to Team South Africa.

Thank you. Thank you.

Okay, best car ever, Damian.

I would have to go for
my MINI Convertible,
which I love.

-All right.
-Which I love.

A MINI Convertible,
best car ever.

I drove, um...

I drove a TVR, which I loved.

But, you know,
you went away for two weeks,

then you had to
spend two weeks
getting it running again.

So that was always a problem.

But this,
I stick my kids in there.

We stick a bit of Madness on.

We sing along.
The dog goes in the back.

Got a puppy.

We have to attach the leash
to a handbrake, here,

-in case she tries
to jump out the back.
-And if she does?

Well, if she does,
the handbrake is
going on, isn't it?

Okay, how's that?

Well, if we're doing
a corner at the time,

it would be
quite exciting corner.

If we're in heavy traffic
on the M4,

it's gonna be less
helpful. You know.

Okay, so Team South Africa,
best car ever,

Eddie Jordan's
taking this one.

Beyond any doubt,
that wonderful green car,

the Jordan 191,

-beyond any doubt,
that is the winner.
-Let's have a look.

EVANS: Right.

I mean, this is a bit unfair,
isn't it, best car ever?

But he did own it, I suppose.

Now, this is
really special, why?

Well, a couple of reasons.

You can probably
see somebody's

helmet sticking out
of the cockpit there.

It is none other than the
great Michael Schumacher.

His first ever Grand Prix.

-EVANS: How good is that?

Okay, so...

Well, this could be...
This could be close, okay?

So the best car
ever, all right?

Okay. Damian's
MINI convertible

or Michael Schumacher's
debut Formula 1 car?

Let's hear it for the MINI.


-EVANS: Well done.

Let's hear it for
Michael Schumacher's

debut Formula 1, Jordan 191!


Oh, with bonus,
with bonus hair!


Okay. Well, it would
have been two-nil,

but I've gotta disqualify you
just for that hair. Sorry.

Okay. So actually, I'm gonna
give you the point by default.

Oh, it's one all.

It couldn't be more exciting.
Let's go to the decider.

So it's you up against
Team South Africa.

Sharleen is in charge
of the lap, aren't you?


Would you like to see
Sharleen's lap first?


Okay, let's take a look.

There she is, off the line.

Come on.

Speed up, car.

EVANS: Sharleen Spiteri
into turn one.

Easy left-hander
and off-road from here.

Little squiggle and
a wiggle to the right

and onto the dirt she goes.


EVANS: Having a good time.
Water splash, here we go.

Good water, Sharleen.

Okay, tight right-hander,
oversteer, no ABS, of course.

Into Hammerhead.

By the way, a very
competitive Glaswegian

you've have on your
hands here, Damian.

Nice and tidy.

-Back off-road.
-Go, go, go, go, go, go.

Heading towards
the big hairpin.

Once again, that's
oversteer, and then...


-EVANS: Oh, air!
Good air! Amazing air!
-Yeah! Come on!

STEVE: In the air so long.

Ugh. I feel really sick.

Clearing the tyres.

Clearing the tyres,
up to the tyres.

No lifting off there.

SHARLEEN: See, I was trying.

EVANS: Very impressive,

Next-to-the-last corner

and up to Gambon.

Looking good.
Cutting the corner and...

-Across the line!

Man, you hit that corner
perfect, Shar.

-Did I?
-That's where I... That's
where I got off the track.

How was that for you?

Do you know what?

I was just hoping
I'd get around the track

in one piece today,
when I came.

'Cause they told me
that the tyres were...

It was gonna be
quite slippy.

-But I had so much fun.
-EVANS: Did you?

Honestly, when it started
pulling around, I was like,
"Oh, this is great fun."

I loved it. I really loved it.

All right, so nice weather for
a record lap time, Damian.

-Perfect conditions.

I wonder where this is going.

You have driven
the Top Gearlap before.

But it was the worst
conditions of all time

and, therefore, the slowest
lap time of all time.

But everybody here says

you still
drove it brilliantly.

Would you like to
see a bit of that?


Okay, take a look at this.

Watch this, watch this.
And, and...


Sideways across
the line. Whoa!

So today should
have been a breeze
by comparison, really.

And also, your best car
of all time is a MINI.

-Okay, so previous here.

I've been practising on the
school run, Chris, yes.

Would you like to see
Damian's lap?


EVANS: Okay, here we go!

Off the line.
Good start there.

And we are off.

EVANS: We are off,
and we are about
to be off-road.

To be honest,
he's already flying.

-He's already flying!

Look at that! Lovely!

-All right. Onto the dirt.
-My speed's too fast.

EVANS: And water splash.

Yes, thank you
very much, indeed.


Lost a second there, I reckon.

EVANS: Into Hammerhead,
keeping it tight, once again.

Oh, you can see he's
at home in a MINI,
the boy, isn't he?

EDDIE: See, there you go.

EVANS: Almost on
three wheels there.

DAMIAN: I kept trying to
take the roof down, though.


EVANS: It's not roofless,
but you are being ruthless.

Hairpin, handbrake, yes.

-I did, and then I gave it up.

EVANS: Air! Good air!

EVANS: He doesn't want
a go of this.

Okay. Up to the tyre wall,
straight through there.


I'm across.
Get on the brakes.

EVANS: Okay, you can
overcook it here so easily,

which really messes
you up for Gambon.

STEVE: Oh, look at that.

EVANS: Now, in control.
Very good. Slow in, fast out.

And again.
Oh, this is all good.

He's at one with his MINI.
And he's over the line.


It was so much fun.

-It was, wasn't it?
-It was.

How was it for you, Damian?

-It was so much fun.
-EVANS: Was it?

I jumped in the car
with The Stig, though,

-in the McLaren...
-Oh, yeah.

...early on in the day
when I first got here.


And I had to change
my underwear afterwards.


It was the most
terrifying thing.

I couldn't get out of the car.

-I crawled out of the car.

All right, now, we've got
times up here already,

Jesse from last week
and Gordon.

First of all, Sharleen,
let's do ladies again first.

Sharleen Spiteri, you have
Jesse Eisenberg at 2.10.9,

you have Gordon Ramsay,
currently leader,

with all those two names
on the board.


Uh, Sharleen, how do
you think you did?

You know what? In all honesty,
I have no...

I think I'm over two.

So you want to be beating
Jesse there, don't you?

I would like to beat Jesse.
I'm not anywhere near Gordon,

-but I'd like to beat Jesse.
-All right, here we go.

Sharleen, you're right.
You were over two minutes.

Sharleen Spiteri, two minutes

one point four!

-So, well done!

You did it, girl.
You did it!

SHARLEEN: I beat Jesse!

I beat Jesse. I'm all good!

Well done!

Happy with that?

-Yeah, I'm happy with that.
-EVANS: Okay.

Right, Damian.

There's really only one thing
you want to do here,

isn't there?

I want to cook up
something rather lovely.


Okay, you did say to me,
when you first arrived,

you said,
"How competitive was
Ramsay last week?"

And I think we both know the
answer to that, don't we?

-Yeah. Yeah.
He was pretty competitive.

As always.

So with 1.56.3 to beat,

you did it in...





...three point nine.



Well done, old man!

-You were on a roll!
Come on!


EVANS: New leader,
Damian Lewis!

SHARLEEN: I liked your car!

All right. Now, let's find out
what happened in part two

of Top Geardoes South Africa.


Tinie, your skin is so soft.

TINIE: Move over, man.


LeBLANC: Uh, guys. Challenge.

-Wake up!
-EDDIE: Yay!

"You will now test your
vehicle's stealth capabilities

"with a wildlife challenge."

LeBLANC: Using our
cars' reversing cameras,

and our most
delicate driving skills,

we'd have just two hours

to film the most
impressive beasts

of the South African bush.

But first,
we'd have to find them.

-Let's go!

SHARLEEN: You know what?
This feels quite deep.

EDDIE: Oh, my God.

SHARLEEN: No... Nope.
EDDIE: What?

Don't go any further.
Don't go any further!

EDDIE: Whoo-hoo!
SHARLEEN: We're clear!

EVANS: In the Jaguar,
we decided to go big.

So, Steve, we've got
to find the rhino.

I thought rhinos found you.

STEVE: Right on, Jaguar.

This car's doing
all right here, isn't it?

STEVE: I, actually, honest,
when I said that, I meant
it felt nicer on the dirt

than it did on the highway.

-It seems to settle
into its groove.

It seems at home here,
doesn't it?

If we see a rhino,
I'm going to [BLEEP] myself.


EVANS: Meanwhile,
Eddie had spotted something.

EDDIE: Look!

These are...

Eddie, you've gone a bit
Crocodile Dundeeon me here.

-No! Look at the hoof!

It's going in that direction.

Come on, let's go.

How we're going to know
what direction it's going in?

Because you can see its hoof.

Do you really know what
direction it's going in?

EDDIE: Well, he's not going
to walk backwards, is he?

EVANS: And then incredibly,

Eddie was proven right.

Oh, wow!

SHARLEEN: Oh, my God.
Look! Wildebeest!

That's too good to miss.
We gotta go and have
a crack at that.

EDDIE: Up here?
SHARLEEN: Yup, straight up.

EDDIE: You're my periscope.



EDDIE: Don't go in there.

Where is he? Where is he?

SHARLEEN: He's gone.

EVANS: In the Porsche, though,
Matt and Tinie were pointed
in the right direction,

which happened
to be backwards.

LeBLANC: Okay, keep your
eyes out for animals, buddy.

EVANS: And before long,
they found some.

TINIE: There they are.

Don't want to scare them away.

Have to be really stealthy.

You checking out this
pro-reversing I'm doing?

TINIE: You're a legend.

LeBLANC: Get your
notepad out, mate.

TINIE: You know these
are my favourite animals
in the world, right?

LeBLANC: Are they really?

Right. I've got
my director hat on.

I'm looking through
the camera now.

LeBLANC: Look, look,
look, look, we got 'em.

That is awesome. Sick!

LeBLANC: Oh, here
come some more,

they're walking around
like camera hogs.

-LeBLANC: Look
out your window.

Look, look, look.

Oh, yeah!

LeBLANC: With the babies.


LeBLANC: All right,
look, look, look, look!

-We've got them all
running through.

TINIE: Whoo!

EVANS: Back on our rhino hunt,

the rhinos were
nowhere to be seen.

EVANS: We haven't got
anything on our camera.

STEVE: Does that mean we
lose if we don't get something

with all that amazing driving
you did?


STEVE: Oh, man.

We missed the... [LAUGHS]

We can't even catch an impala.

EVANS: And worse,
still, for Steve and I,

Eddie's bush tracking skills
were about to pay off,


Oh, my God.


What are the chances that
we can get up here a bit?

No, don't move.
No, no, no, no, no.

Oh, my God.
This is almost impossible.

Keep going, keep going,
keep going, keep going.

Keep it as quiet as you can.

EDDIE: There he is, look!


EDDIE: And then,
we discovered

he wasn't alone.

How elegant. Look.

SHARLEEN: Oh, my goodness.

LeBLANC: Time was up on
our stealth-driving challenge.

LeBLANC: You think
we got enough stuff?
TINIE: I think we did good.

We did really good.
We've got loads of zehbras.

Zeh-bra? What's a zeh-bra?

Well, we call it "Zeh-bra",
you guys call it "Zee-bra".

Zed. Zed, right?

-X, Y, Zed.

-Q, R, S, T, U, V, W,

-X, Y, Zed.



It's not Jay-Zed,
it's Jay-Zee.

Oh. Okay, you got me.
You got me.

[LAUGHS] You got me!

I can't say no to that.

LeBLANC: The results were in.

So, which SUV had stealthed
its way to success?

-Okay, okay, okay,
challenge results.

STEVE: Here it is.

The winner is...

Eddie and Sharleen.



-The underdogs.

These guys, why do
they keep winning?

Did you cheat on this
one as well, guys?

No, how do you cheat at that?

Were any of them
stuffed animals?


We were looking for a rhino.

Oh, my God,
you two are so jealous.

EVANS: So giraffe beats zebra?

Really? Who knew.

At least one thing
was certain...

We had somewhere
we needed to be.

Our passengers were due
to headline a music night

at the highest pub in Africa.

And to get them the rest
of the way,

our SUVs would really
have to perform.

SHARLEEN: Come across!

No, no, no.


LeBLANC: What a show-off.

TINIE: Legend!

STEVE: It's crooked.
EVANS: Look at that,
look at that tyre there!

TINIE: Whoo!

We're good.

Oh... Ooh!



LeBLANC: Almost
ran over his man.
EDDIE: We nearly lost you!

STEVE: Oh, God.

EVANS: As we ploughed on,

it was like our cars
came alive.

TINIE: Whoo-hoo-hoo!

EVANS: They were
in their element.


EVANS: Eating up whatever
terrain Africa threw at them.

But the Mercedes developed
another problem.

And this time, it was
sat in the driver's seat.

-Oh, [BLEEP]!



You just ripped off the skirt
off the back of your car.

It's hanging.

Hold up, Eddie. Hold up.

-LeBLANC: And it turned out...

...there was another reason
why the Merc had taken
a battering.

Eddie, did you have it
on off-road mode?

I don't think so.

LeBLANC: You don't
have it on off-road mode?

No, I don't know.

-TINIE: Eddie.

Mountains, river,
rocks, Africa.

LeBLANC: You know,
there's a button in there.

When you push the button,
it raises the car up

so you can get over
the rocks and stuff.

So when we get, maybe,
off the pavement,

hit that button, and you
won't destroy the car.

Can you remember
to push the button?

Sadly, though, he didn't.


It's pretty rugged here.

-Mind you,
can we raise the...




LeBLANC: The Mercedes and
Sharleen were looking unlikely

to make it to the pub
in one piece.

Something had to be done.

-How's it going, guys?


Uh, we bust this tank,
and it's leaking.

All right, so listen,
we've, um...

We don't think you should
drive the car any more.

We think you should hand
the keys over to Sharleen

for the remainder of the trip.

-Not a bad idea, actually.

He's joking.

-It's true. I'm not kidding.
-EDDIE: Are you being serious?


I'm not Sharleen.

You're not driving it, are ya?

LeBLANC: With the
Merc's issues dealt
with once and for all,

we closed in on our
final destination.

look at that, there it is.

The Sani Pass.

Our pub is straight ahead.

LeBLANC: Well,
not quite straight.

Before us lay the most
treacherous of dirt roads,

climbing high into the
Drakensberg mountains.

No run-off, no barriers,
no margin for error.

No, seriously.

EVANS: And as we steeled
ourselves for the climb...



EVANS: Hold on, guys.

Yeah, have we all got
the same message?

"Congratulations, you've
nearly made it to Africa's

"highest pub in
all the commune.

"However, there's only
one vacancy to perform
on stage tonight.

"There are two
other vacancies.

"Working the bar
and washing dishes
in the kitchen." What?

Oh, man, that sucks.

"To decide who gets the gig,

"you and your artist
will race up

"the Sani Pass.

"The winner will
be the fastest,

whoever survives."


Is it that nutty?

EVANS: Yes, it was.

We would each have to
attack a terrifying, unsighted
rally stage.

The ultimate test
for our SUVs.

We would be trusting them
with our lives.

I'm going to focus
on the road,

-you tell me when
the lady says go.
-STEVE: I got your back.

EVANS: And in
true rally style,

we would start
at 30-second intervals.


Breathe. Breathing.


EDDIE: Watch her fingers.


Just a touch on the brakes.
Just a touch.

Go, go, go!

I love it.

Here we go. Ready?

TINIE: All right. Let's go.

Easy now.


EVANS: As the pass
climbed higher,

the drops became ever steeper.

But with the
other cars on my tail,
I couldn't slow down.

Straight, straight, straight.
Watch the bump here!

-Now take it steady.

EVANS: But then the Sani
Pass threw up a surprise.

It's a border!

EVANS: Turns out,
Africa's highest pub isn't
actually in South Africa,

it's in Lesotho.

Can I see your passports,

Sure. We're going to
have to through this...

We've got to get through
this as quick as we can.

Oh, no, we didn't have
our passports ready.


EVANS: Whoa!

We're in
a different country now.

Oh, whoa!


What the hell happened there?

EDDIE: What on Earth
is this? Keep going!

Flash him.
Flash, flash, flash.

Oh, my God. What does he want?

May I see your
passports, please?

Oh, come on,
we're in a race, man!

Let's go, let's go!



Mind the... Jesus!

Holy [BLEEP]!

EVANS: With Matt and Tinie
smoothly through the border...

Thank you!

...we were all approaching
the last stretch.

It was as stunning
as it was dangerous.

Whoa! Whoa!

EDDIE: Don't even
look down there.

Whoa! You can't even see!

EVANS: And then,
the Sani Pass revealed
its final test.

Oh, my goodness.

A perilous set of
snaking switchbacks

to the top of the mountain.


I don't want to look!



We're over the cliff!

-Can you see
Sharleen anywhere?

Come on, we've got Chris just
above. You can see him.

Chris is miles away, but I can
see Eddie and Sharleen.

I just hope that Matt
doesn't come up,
because he is so fast.

-Come on, baby.
-TINIE: Easy, now. Easy, easy.

EVANS: What a road,
and what a trip.

2,874 metres above Africa,

and we were all thinking
the same thing.

Almost there, brother.

Come on!

I can smell the pub!

-We're nearly there.
Come on! The finish line!
-Come on!




-We finished it!

TINIE: Whoa!
Come on, come on!


LeBLANC: Yeah!

EVANS: As the sun was setting
on our African adventure,

the results of the final
challenge were in.


So it was time for the losers
to get to work,

and for the winners

to take to the stage.

♪ Said I was the man

♪ All I ever needed was a plan

♪ Tell JK that
I'm still rolling

♪ Yeah, tell Russell
I'm a brand, yeah ♪

-With some ice?
-This one?


I haven't got any ice. Sorry.

Red wine coming up.

Gordon's, Gordon's.

Where's... This?

♪ All the girls like

♪ All the girls like

♪ All the girls like


SHARLEEN: Come to Africa,
wash our dishes.

Where did we miss all the fun?

We shouldn't be here,

I'm not a bloody
racing driver.

Well, neither am I!

But you were!


You try to bleedin' eat.



That was so much fun.

That was a trip none
of us will ever forget.

Thanks to these three cars,
which are tough as nails.

Which is absolutely true
and correct. However,

when it comes
to the road test,

not the race,
which is why we're there,

our car, mine and Steve's car,
the Jaguar F-Pace,

was the only one that finished

-with nothing broken.
-True, true.

Nothing hanging off,

and nothing leaking.

-Good car.
-EVANS: Great car.

Which can only mean
one thing.


You were driving
like Miss Daisy.

And on that bombshell...

-No, no, no, no.

-We don't do that any more.

-Did he not get the mail?
-I sent the memo.

Anyway, on next week's show,

the debut of our two rookies,
Chris Harris and Rory Reid,

and Ken Block, and Kevin Hart,

and Anthony Joshua!

Yeah, and the Tesla Model X,
the new Audi R8,

and the Ferrari F12tdf.

All right.
Goodnight, everybody.
Thanks for watching!

-Thank you so much!