Top Gear (2002–…): Season 22, Episode 8 - Episode #22.8 - full transcript

The boys acquire traditional classic convertibles before setting off an adventure. The trio are also challenged to each buy a high-mileage and low-quality SUV before undergoing a series of challenges.

HAMMOND: Tonight,
James falls out of a boat.

I have a fight
with a gear lever.


Oh, dear.
This is a bit embarrassing.

Hello and welcome to
what's left of Top Gear.

And tonight's
programme is not,

as I'm sure you've guessed,
a normal one.

In fact, what we're
going to do is show you

two films that were shot
for the last series.

Yes, the second one
is tremendous

and that'll be
coming up later.

But I want to start with this.

It's a Jaguar E-Type.

And thanks to
rocketing classic car prices,

it's now worth
about 200 grand.

And it's the same
story with these two.

The Ferrari Daytona
and the Aston Martin DB5.

Around 20 years ago,
you'd have been able
to buy either of these

for around 80,000 pounds.

But today, the Ferrari,
700,000 pounds.

The Aston Martin,
probably a million.

But there are still
some classic cars around

that you can buy
for reasonable money.

The question is, should you?

Well, to find out,
the producers told me,
Richard, and Jeremy

to go and buy
a classic car apiece.

And then turn up
with them

at an old railway station
in Buckinghamshire.

They said we were
going to spend a few days

living the classic
car experience.

English country lanes,
warm brown beer,

and lots of fellow
enthusiasts to talk to.

Basically, Jeremy's
idea of hell.

HAMMOND: This was
the meeting point.

And I was the first to arrive
in my 1972 MGB GT.

This is it.

This is the daddy.

Think of a small,
classic, British sports car

and you are thinking
of this, the MGB GT.

Mechanically... (EXCLAIMS)'s not a bad example
of what is undoubtedly

Britain's most
popular classic car.

At this point,
I was interrupted

by the arrival of
Captain Cheerful.

I say. That is pretty.

Why are we doing this?

What? What do you mean why?

Look at it, 'cause of
everything about the day,

the location, old trains,
classic cars, tinkering.

Hammond, listen, nobody
buys a classic television.

They don't say,
"Look, you have to

"bang it on the top
to make the picture work

"and it's black and white

"and then you have
to stand up to change
the channel."

So why would you buy
a classic car?

Because, well, look at it.

CLARKSON: No, I admit,
Fiat 124 Spider.
Incredibly pretty.

Designed by
the same man who did

the Ferrari 275 GTS,
Lancia Fulvia,

De Tomaso Pantera.

But it will go wrong
all the time.

Yes, that's the point.
Then you can stop
and fix it yourself.

This is not just a car.

It's something to
do at the weekends,
it's a project.

The Hoover Dam was a project.

A broken down car is
an inconvenience. It is.

And yours will
break down even more
'cause it's an MGB GT.

Deliciously and
delightfully simple. It's...

-What? What, what?

Has there been a knife
fight in the back of it?

Look at it.
The heritage, the history.

It's... This was
the poor man's E-Type.

It's horrid.

CLARKSON: Soon we realised
there wasn't an elephant
in the room.

What do you think
the elephant will be driving?

Well, it'll be a Triumph.

But I've thought about this,
it'll be, I think, a TR7.

Because he won't expect us
to expect that.

-He'll think that'll...

-But that's too obvious.

It's a Peugeot.
And that's right and proper.

'Cause he's old
and he never goes
faster than one.

He is basically
a Peugeot himself.

Is it very quiet? Or has it...


-HAMMOND: It's electric!

Why isn't it running?

I'm just saving petrol.

James, why isn't it running?

What do you think?

It's extremely pretty.

-That is a pretty car.
-CLARKSON: Pretty.

MAY: Peugeot 304
Decapotable S.

means convertible.
MAY: It does, yes.

-CLARKSON: Decapitated.
-Beheaded, yes.

-Is this you or him?
-It's mine.

Hello, hello.

Britain's most
popular classic.
Look at it.

So that must be yours.

-BOTH: Yes.
-I sort of approve of that.

The only problem is
it's the American spec,

it's lived all of
its life in California.

-Those wheels are all wrong.
-I know.

They had to raise it,

because to get the headlights
the American height
above the road,

they raised the whole car.

And that ruined
the ride height,

and the wheels are,
as you say, wrong.

MAY: Anyway,
let's be positive about it.

We've all got cars
styled by Pininfarina.

He hasn't.

-I have.

This was styled
by Pininfarina?

Pininfarina, yeah, because
the convertible version
came out first

and a couple years later,
Pininfarina turned it
into this.

Pininfarina's dog.

CLARKSON: With the classic
British weather beckoning,

we set off for a classic,
classic car drive.

-Where, which way
are you going to... Oh...
-Through the gate.

-Through the puddle.
-'Cause this is the S,

Go on!

Oh, that sounds mighty.

Here we go!

This is everything
I hoped it would be.

It's an experience.

I can feel things
that are going on.

I'm involved in it.

There are those who say

there is no better sound
in the motoring world

than the 1.8 litre engine
exactly like that one.

Oh, that does sound brilliant.
That's a proper car.

HAMMOND: In the Peugeot,
James was upbeat as well.

This Peugeot,
I think you will agree,

is charming.

It is interesting.
It's French,
it's a bit leftfield.

But I mean, everything works.

Look, I mean,
the windscreen wipers
are working.


Yeah, there's a clock.

Meanwhile, in the Fiat...

This car is
absolutely horrible.

I mean the driving position,

they put the steering wheel
directly above the pedals,

so to get comfortable,
your arms have to be

the same length as your legs.
And mine aren't.

Steaming up slightly.
I'll just engage the heater.


Heater's not working.

Welcome to 1970s
classic motoring.

And a few moments later,

James made it
even more authentic.


Hang on, hang on,
it's conking. Here it goes.

Don't stop.

Seven minutes and two miles
into the journey,

he's broken down.

With the help of
a kindly local...

HAMMOND: Pushing.
CLARKSON: Pushing.

MAY: Okay.
HAMMOND: Pushing.

CLARKSON: ...we got
James going again.

-Here we go.
-HAMMOND: Maybe you
could dump the clutch.

the clutch, James.
MAN: There you go.

-Yes, thank you!

MAY: I can't stop.

Now, I'm having to leave them.
That's a bit poor, isn't it,

but I'm sure they'll catch up.

We're off again.
That's all part of it.

Nice man helped us.

You see, we'd never
have met that nice man
if it wasn't for our cars.

really your top speed, James?

Pretty much, yeah.

CLARKSON: For once though,
I was quite glad
he was holding me up.


No faster than this
or the wheels will fall off.

These are aftermarket wheels.

They have oval-shaped holes
where the nuts go through.

And if you go above say,
50, they just fall off.

Luckily, before there was
a chance for that to happen...

Bloody hell, not again.


I've gone again, sorry.

Tell me what that is
coming out
the back of your car.

MAY: That is...

This is...
This is classic car motoring.

Next Thursday,
I'll take a day off work,
take the old girl out,

get the roof down,
Thursday comes, it's raining.

-Well, yeah.

-And your car breaks down.
-The rain doesn't stop it.

The rain makes it
more interesting.

It doesn't.

Just standing here
on a warm sunny day

would be boring and ordinary.

This is more of a challenge!

and I then did another
classic car workout.

MAY: Push like hell.

CLARKSON: Yes, just shut up.

We are pushing hard.
We are pushing.


MAY: Here we go.

Come on, chaps, let's go.

What an absolutely
horrible day.

The Peugeot is getting better.

It's responding to
sympathetic treatment.

That's the thing
you have to remember
about old machinery.

You have to form
a bond with it.

-Oh, bollocks.

Don't stop.

CLARKSON: At this point,
even Hammond was tiring

of the classic
car camaraderie.

We've weighed it up
and we've decided

we've helped him
enough today, frankly.


James, your car doesn't work.


Hammond, do you think you'll
be able to buy an alternator

for a 1970s
Peugeot in Burford?


A very nice oven glove
with a cat on it, yes.

CLARKSON: Or some jam in
a gingham pot of some sort.

But alternators for
1970s Peugeots, no.

CLARKSON: Later that day,
we were all reunited.

And the producers
said we should do

what all classic
car enthusiasts do
after a short drive.

Go immediately into a garage
to do a bit of tinkering.



There you go, my beauty.
There you go.


Hold tight. You win again!

Sit back, enjoy the fireworks.

Let's bring in the New Year.


...Jane, producing today,
is looking forward

to seeing her valentine,
Paul, this evening.

Nicola wants to
send a happy Valentines
to her niece Ella.

And I promised my valentine
a big kiss later today.

And I'm going to go
home and give Chris...




CLARKSON: When a cuckoo told
us that spring had sprung,

we emerged from our nests.

And not only were
our cars transformed,

so was I.

-I say, here.
-Oh, yeah.

Checkerboard, nice work.


MAY: Harnesses.

CLARKSON: Look at those seats.

HAMMOND: Seats, hello.
Bucket seats.

HAMMOND: Racing seats.

And stainless steel
exhaust front to back.

-You're kidding.
-Yep, all the way.

But gentlemen,
behold the achievement.

HAMMOND: Losing the bumpers...
CLARKSON: Bumpers gone.

HAMMOND: Genius.

CLARKSON: Coils, sliced
away top and bottom.

So it's now lower.

New Abarth wheels.

Black bonnet.

And, of course, at the front,
a brace of Cibies.

So essentially this is
how it should've looked.

-It's how it was
when it was sold in Italy.

The Americans
totally ruined it

by lifting it up and putting
stupid bumpers on it.

I've taken it back
to original spec.

I have been busy.

It's nice.

So, James, what car
have you been working on?

(LAUGHS) Funny.

CLARKSON: No, wait,
I can see how busy he's been.

You've painted
your headlights yellow
and it's taken you...

October, November, December,
January, February...

Yeah, but I've also
rebuilt and improved

and completely
mended the engine.

-CLARKSON: You mean you've
just made your car work.

Except you won't be able
to see where you're going

'cause you've gone for
the old French
headlight system.


It's authentically dangerous.

HAMMOND: What is that
on your steering wheel?

That's just... In case I had
to move the steering wheel

while I had oily hands
from working on the engine.

CLARKSON: Somebody
manufactures a condom
for the steering wheel?

It turns out they do, yeah.

And if you're a monk
with hair round the sides

but not on the top,
it's also a shower cap.


CLARKSON: Having spent
six months in hibernation
doing tinkering,

even I couldn't wait to take
my car out for a drive.

Tell me this car
doesn't look brilliant.

Tell me, I dare you.

Actually, it does look
a lot better than it did,
I'll give you that.

You have polished that
turd well, Hammond.

Oh, I'm loving...
This is tremendous.

Driving a car like this
with big bumpers

and idiotic ride height
in the rain,

utter misery. But now...


An English spring day in a car
with a matte black bonnet.
I'm happy.

So we plunged
into the Cotswolds

looking for
classic car adventures.

Now, normally at this point,
we would do the news!

Or maybe we would
watch a famous person

blatting around our test track
in a Vauxhall Astra,

but obviously, we can't do
either of those things,

so instead we're going to
give you some information.

Yes, the producers told us,

after we'd modified
our classic cars,

that during our journey
we would be facing
various challenges,

and that points
would be awarded
to whoever did best.

However, they also
told us that we would

lose points for
every breakdown we had.

So you've basically
lost already, then?

No, rubbish.
Not necessarily, actually.

And that the person who
ended up with the most points

would get a special prize.

CLARKSON: Eager to show off
our newly-fettled cars,
I came up with an idea.

The great thing about England
at this time of year is that

every single village,
pretty much
every single weekend,

hosts some kind of
classic car event.

People gather in a field,

talk about their adenoids
and the "old girl" and...

Well, I think we should
find one and go to it.

So we headed immediately for
a leafy village in Wiltshire.

Can you imagine
what a classic car show

will be like
in a village such as this?

Old men in flat caps,
little children
scampering around.

Stalls selling tea towels
with Morris Minors on them.

MAY: Making your own chutney.

Putting people in the stocks.
All that sort of stuff.


ANNOUNCER: Welcome, everyone.
Welcome to Castle Combe
for Japfest.


MAY: Mitsubishi,
Mitsubishi, Mitsubishi,

Mitsubishi, Mitsubishi,
that's a Mitsubishi.

So it's probably fair to say
we've got this slightly wrong.

Nevertheless, we were among
fellow car enthusiasts.

And once we'd got Hammond
properly dressed,

we were treated to
a spot of light drifting.


That's June Whitfield
in that one.

-Is it?

David Attenborough,
here he is.

He loves a bit of this.

That's a good one.

This'll be good.
Darcey Bussell,
she is brilliant.

CLARKSON: Go on, Darcey.

HAMMOND: That's a belter,
that was a good one.

MAY: That's a good one, yes.


It's not really that
sort of thing, is it?

Right. "Even though your cars

"aren't technically

-Well, not at all.
-Mine's completely French.

"...the organisers
here will allow you
to do 10 laps of the track.

"Points will be awarded
for the fastest time."

We're not going out
at the same time
as these guys, are we?

Not right now.

Are we going to have
the track to ourselves?

No... No?

That's not right.

No, we'll be out
with other enthusiasts
of the Japanese car.

That's an...
Why would you do that

in a 304 front
wheel drive convertible?

Come on,
enter into the spirit of it.

CLARKSON: To make sure
he wasn't too much
of a nuisance on the circuit,

Captain Sense of Direction
had taken some precautions.

So down there,
that one's tight
with a bit of a crest.

Got to watch out for that.
That's reasonably quick.

Got to go slow for that.

CLARKSON: And with that
taken care of, we began.

Now the chassis in this car,
the Fiat 124 Spider,

went on to be used
later in the Lada Riva.

Oh, yeah.

The engine though is
an absolute cracker.

1750 CC, 16 valve, twin cam.

This is what
my little MG was born to do.

It's a sports car.

Live rear axle,
1.8 litre B-series engine,

pumping out
95 brake horsepower.

That's just enough.

Now, the standard Peugeot 304
had 65 horsepower,

but don't worry, viewers,

because this is
the twin choke carburetted
S-version and has 74!

Sadly, however,
today, that wasn't enough.

Yeah, they're all past safely.

Unfortunately, the man
who then overtook Hammond

didn't manage
his move quite so well.

HAMMOND: And he's lost it.


But then...

A misfire is happening.

Oh, no, I think I am unwell.

Still, at least
I wasn't suffering alone.


Yeah, you see,
ah, the oil's been...

It's sloshing
from side to side
as I corner hard.

And some of it
has sloshed out now.

And that is sounding a bit,

what classic car enthusiasts
call, "Bottom-endy."

CLARKSON: Having ruined
their cars too,

James and Richard
came into the pits,

where the producers
revealed our lap times.

I happen to know that
when the Mazda MX5 owners club

meet here for a track day,

so just ordinary people
who are vets and teachers,

they lap in 1:25.

-James May.


You're not starting
with a one, are you?

Well, hang on.

Not even close to a one.

It's 2:17.19.

That's big.

Me, 1:52.17.

That's under two.

Richard Hammond, 1:51.65.

Was that all that was in it?

-That's half a second.

CLARKSON: Keen to find out
why we were so slow,

the producers told us to put
our cars on a rolling road,

to see how much horsepower
they'd lost over the years.

James, when it was new...

CLARKSON: What did it use to
have when it was new?

Seventy-four horsepower.


CLARKSON: Oh, yeah, it's off.

MAY: Here we go. Here we go.

Oh, look, look! Oh!


Fifty point two.
You've lost 24 horsepower.

That's 33%
of your total power is gone.

That's quite a lot, isn't it?

HAMMOND: Next, it was
the turn of the MGB.

This is the most powerful
when it was new.

we're looking for.

-Come on.

It didn't go as I'd hoped.


MAY: Fifty-eight point eight.

Your machine's wrong.

Then it was the Fiat's turn.

So, 85 is what it did have
when it was new.

Fifty-five, I'm going for 55.

I'm going to go for.

-MAY: There it is.
-Here we go!

Higher, higher!

Oh, no!


-Read it and weep!
-Sixty-eight point six.

Yeah, but it's still
not a big number.

Sixty-eight horsepower.

You're applauding
lawnmower power.


CLARKSON: Sadly, however,
the victory was hollow.


That is not a good sound.

A classic car is
like a pet dog.

One day it's going to
let you down and die.

We therefore decided to do
something less taxing,

like going to the pub.

But that was trickier
than it sounded.

Here's a pub. What about this?
We can go in here.

No, it has
an illuminated sign for lager.

Well, of course
it sells lager, it's a pub.

Pub coming up on the right.

Is this any good?

They're having
a cheese and wine evening.

Keep going.

James has very specific
requirements about pubs.

He won't go in a pub
if it has Sky Sports

or if there's
a purple dinosaur

in the back garden
with steps up its back.

Or if there's a sign
saying children welcome.

He doesn't like beams,
he doesn't like horse brasses.

This may take a while.

James, there's a pub up here.

What's the matter
with this one?

Stickers in the window, flags,
and it calls itself a tavern.


That smelt nice.

HAMMOND: Pub ahead.
Pub ahead.


What's the matter
with CAMRA?

You love the Campaign
for Real Ale.

Don't like any campaigns.

CLARKSON: In the end, none of
the pubs passed muster.

So we went to
our overnight hotel

and had a drink there.


Hi, we would like
two pints of bitter,

one rose wine, large,

a bag of salt and vinegar
crisps, and biltong.


There's nothing better
than your local
radio pub orders.

I knew somebody
who used to do that.

CLARKSON: That evening,
we embarrassed ourselves
in a traditional pub quiz.

Neil or Niall, Zayn,

Liam, Harry, and Louis

are the five members
of which British group?

Uh... Uh...

Which song won the Top Gear
greatest driving song contest?


We then totted up
the points from
the producers' competition

to see who was on course
to win the special prize.

So just work it out,
so it's minus 20
for a breakdown.


And then 10,
five and nought for the...

-So you're...
-Being the fastest.

Yeah, around
the track, you get 10.

Yes. For being the fastest.

So you're on 10.
I'm on five,
and then you get nought.

So you're still on minus 60.

So why is it nought?

Because you were last.

Okay, so I should
get one then.

Well, hold on, no, no, no, no.

CLARKSON: After much arguing,
we worked out

that James had lost everything
and was out of the running.

But that Hammond and I
were level pegging.

So, the following morning,
we knew that

all we had to do to win
was not break down.


HAMMOND: Eventually my B
spluttered into life.



Oh, yes, sounds brilliant.


Come on!

(WHINES) Please!



CLARKSON: The producers
told us the special prize

was waiting at
another classic car show

20 nerve-racking miles away.

It's not healthy,
I'll be honest.

That's three cylinders.
I'm running on three.

HAMMOND: I think it's...

Yesterday was a big day
for these cars

and they've all suffered.

CLARKSON: Soon we arrived at
the pretty Cotswold town
of Stow-on-the-Wold.

Many, many classic car
enthusiasts come here
at a weekend

to look at classic furniture
and remember
how life used to be

in the olden days.

While my Fiat
cooled down a bit,

I bought the other
two some presents.

Richard got
a stand for his hat.

And as for James...

James May, can you hear me?

Sadly, yes.

What time is it?

I don't know,
my clock's stopped.


Ladies and gentlemen,
welcome to the last
of the summer gear.

HAMMOND: We carried on
towards the show

and shared some
truths about our cars.

MG is still working.
How's the Fiat going?

Well, we've got 11 miles to go
and all is well back here.

Is it really?

How's your down-on-power B?

Erm, it's fine,
really fine, good form.

It's not.

Come on, come on, Fiat.

Please just keep going.


What was that?

Oh, my God, what is...



For once, the small guy wins!

HAMMOND: A few minutes later,

James and I arrived
at the event.

The Rendcomb
Wings and Wheels show.

There's lots
of valuable things
not to crash into here.

The field was crammed
with high-end exotics,

which made
our colleague's arrival

all the more embarrassing.




With all three of us present,
it was time for
the prize-giving.

Richard Hammond."
-Thank you.

"You have won.

"And as a special prize,

"you will be appearing
in the air show."

CLARKSON: The jammy sod
had got himself a ride

in one of
the planes in the display.

So while he went
off to get ready,

James and I consoled ourselves
by checking out the exhibits.

It's lovely, isn't it?

It'd be terrible
by modern standards,
but look at it.

It's just fabulous.

-Very similar to my Fiat.


-MAY: Yeah, I like this.
-What, the Daytona?

One of the prettiest cars.

MAY: Absolutely lovely.

This is an AC Ace.

This was what Carroll Shelby
dropped a V8 in,

flared the arches
and created the Cobra.

But this was
the genesis of it.

this is Tiff Needell

arriving in
the '50s at a party.

This is the Frazer-Nash.

It has 101 brake
horsepower per tonne.
That's quite significant.

It's pretty good for then.

How much are these now?

$30 million.

Pounds, I would've thought.

That's the 250 GTO.

Still just about
the most expensive car
in the world, isn't it?

-Most valuable
car in the world.

Even standing near
that gives me the fizz.

HAMMOND: Meanwhile,
I was now ready.

Oh, dear God.

Why did my car have to work?

Why didn't I pick a Fiat?

This is about the least happy
I've ever been.

And I've been pretty unhappy.

Please don't come undone.

Please do not come undone.

Oh, (BLEEP)!

Oh, (BLEEP)!


I got a letter, a letter from

you commanding officer
today asking me...


Of course.



Oh, no! Oh, no!


Right, that was
our experience of classics.

And now for something
a bit more modern.

With cars like these.
VW Tiguan, Toyota RAV4,

manufacturers call them
sports utility vehicles.

And experts are
predicting that very soon,

over half of all
vehicles sold will be SUVs.

Thing is, the manufacturers
are not really selling
these cars as cars,

which is just as well, really,
because they're
largely terrible.

No, what they are
selling you is a lifestyle.

You buy one of these,
pretty soon you'll
be doing windsurfing,

hot air ballooning,

nudism, lots of other rugged,
healthy, outdoorsy stuff.

Yeah, the trouble is, SUVs,
even small ones like these,

can cost from around 25 grand.

And that got
our producers wondering.

Can you buy into
the SUV lifestyle for less?

A lot less.

Well, to find out,
they gave us each 250 quid.

They told us to go
and buy a sporty SUV 4x4

and then report with it
to the Rutland Activity Centre

for the young at heart.

MAY: This is exactly
the sort of place

where SUV people
spend their weekends.

And I was the first to arrive.

Viewers, behold.

The Mitsubishi Shogun Pinin.

My passport to
the sort of healthy,

active lifestyle
you would enjoy

in a place like this
on a day like today.

There's a bit of rust.
There are a few bumps,
a few bruises,

but that's as it should be.

Because it's
an action vehicle.

Mine for just 15,000 pence.

Then the Duke of
Hammond arrived
in a Jeep Cherokee.

Good effort, your lordship.
I'm impressed.

Oh, yeah.

Four litre straight six there.

So, basically this is
an Aston Martin DB5.

Well, it isn't, mate.

I mean,
it's got the same engine.

Actually, it's better
in many ways.

It's a monocoque,
not a separate chassis,
so it's more modern.

And unlike an Aston,
it's cheap.

25,000 pence.

-25... You've spent
the whole 25,000 pence?
-250 quid.

-You're mad.
-Well, hello,
what have you got?

This was built by Pininfarina.

Built. Built by Pininfarina.

Built by Pininfarina.
Like a Ferrari.

-Right. And styled by...

Right, so built
by the Italians,

styled by the Japanese.

Oh, that's
the perfect combination.

-That's exactly what you want.
-It's perfectly good.

MAY: At this point,
we heard the unmistakable

sound of
an approaching orangutan.




Now this is no ordinary
Vauxhall Frontera.

HAMMOND: Well, no, it's
the loudest car in the world,
is what it is.

That's because this
is the Sport RS model.

-Is it?
-And because it has
a hole in the exhaust.

The exhaust is
blown completely, yeah.

But what is
genuinely staggering
is this cost me

14,000 pence.


A replacement clutch
for a Vauxhall Frontera

is around about
300 or 400 pounds.

So I have got here
a half-price clutch

with an entire car
thrown in for free
and MOT'd and taxed.

Yeah, but, the entire car
is a Vauxhall Frontera.

Yeah, you are left with...

What? Look, for 140 quid
I wouldn't care if it
said "dog dirt" on the grill.

It pretty much does.

And look what the chap has...
Look what... In the back.

A swing-away door
so you can't open it

in a supermarket or it's...
Oh, my God.

How happy would your dog be?

Look, in here is
the word "victim".

They're not murderers' cars.

That's for your hang glider.

CLARKSON: Eager to test
our incredibly cheap machines,
we hit the road.

Even though this was
only 140 pounds,

the previous
owner has thrown in,

for free,
these air fresheners,

which give
the cabin the aroma of a hot

Turkish urinal.

And there's more.

In the centre cubby hole,

I find he's left me
a pair of his old sunglasses.

And these earphones,
which come with traces

of his personalised earwax.


And all of this is in addition
to what comes as standard.

Functioning air conditioning,
electric windows,

air bags,
electric door mirrors,
two sunshine roofs.

And the value for money
doesn't stop there.

The scrap value of
this car is about,
let's say 200 quid.

So if I crash it,
I'll be 60 quid better off.

I can make money
by having an accident.

I'll be honest,
I was deeply cynical of
this whole enterprise.

But I just stood up and said,
"No way, you can't
buy 4x4s for 250 quid."

And yet, here it is.

It's not perfect.

Rear view mirror is not there.

Head rests have gone.

Other than that,
there's air conditioning,

very nice stereo,
six CD multi-changer,
cassette player.

Nice touch of history.

Loads of speakers.

It's brilliant. I've got wood.


I actually wrote
a review of this car
when it was new.

And I remember
being very impressed
at how good it was off-road.

This has
a proper transfer box,
high and low range,

and differential locks.

It's only 1.8 litres,
but it is quite spritely.

And it's very light.

It's almost 400 kilograms
lighter than the other two.

Mind you,
it wasn't all good news.

The previous
owner did warn me

that one of the brake
discs was slightly warped.

What he didn't
actually say was that it's...

Well, it appears to be
bent at right angles.

When you brake,
the juddering is appalling.

It really doesn't... God...

CLARKSON: Soon, we arrived
at Top Gear's top-secret
lifestyle test track.

Which is just
off Ladyhole Lane,

one mile to the west
of the village of Edlaston.

At this
state-of-the-art facility,

we headed first to the indoor
winter testing centre.

Where we discovered
our cars weren't much good
on the, erm...


Up, up the hill!


I'm trying to put it
in four wheel drive.

Oh, no!
Something's gone wrong.

Come on, no!
Why are you going backwards?

I can't...


MAY: Bollocks.

I can't get it...


CLARKSON: We were then told
to report
to the oval test track

where we received a challenge.

It's a game of tag.

You each have
a different start point

on the top-secret
oval test track.

And you each begin at once.

The object is not
to be overtaken.

If you are, you're out.

And to make
the test more relevant,
you will each have a ballast.

A ballast?

That's what it says,
a ballast.

-Right, this is
the "a ballast".

-And actually, it is relevant.
-Is it?

No, it is.
Because one of the leisure
activities done by SUV people

is going on
holiday in a muddy field.

Yes, yes.
What isn't relevant is
the size of my caravan.

What do you mean?

Why have I been
given such an enormous...
Look at the size of it.

No, no, the caravan isn't big.
Your car is small.

-He's right.
-Makes it look big.

CLARKSON: Eventually,
we stopped bickering

and took our start
positions on the track.

Where it turned out,
there was
a surprise late entry.

I know exactly who it is.

That, ladies and gentlemen,
is not the Stig.

That is Top Gear's
top-secret leisure Stig.

Useless driver.

We use him only
for testing caravans.

Three, two, one, go.

MAY: Here we go.

Testing, testing has begun.

I'm now unleashing
the 134 horsepower
Vauxhall Vectra engine.

Sadly though, leisure Stig's
driving was so slow,

that soon he was causing
a bit of a traffic jam.


MAY: Why have they given me
such a massive caravan?

This is hopeless.

Well, it could be worse.

I can feel the downforce
from my "a ballast",
and it's good.


I've gone wrong.
It's hopeless.
I've crashed into myself.

I mustn't be
overtaken or I'm out.

Using the power of
the mighty Frontera,
I caught up with Hammond

and tried to take
him on the inside,

which meant going
onto the surface
designed to test suspension.

This bit's even worse!

Total chaos, and I've lost
all the ground
I made up there.

Because leisure Stig
was so slow,

even James was
getting impatient.

Juddering, buffeting.

Come on, Pinin.

CLARKSON: And violent.

Oh, yes.

He's losing the wheel.
Massive error by the Stig.

Smoke is pouring off.

Right, this time, Hammond,
you're going down!


Oh, no!


Then Hammond made an error.

I'm on the rough stuff.

Oh, this is impossibly...

CLARKSON: Oh, yeah.
I'm sorry, Hammond.

We have overtaken you.
You are out.

I think I've lost a wheel now.

Lot of sparks.
It's barely controllable,
if I'm honest.


Oh, now I can see
the problem here.

CLARKSON: Meanwhile,
my race was going well.

Yes, I've just done James May.

He's somehow ended
up on the infield.

That was
a catastrophic mistake.

CLARKSON: But sadly,
I overcooked it trying to take
leisure Stig.



Lost my brakes completely.

With 20 laps completed,

leisure Stig had given up.

Hammond still thought
he was in the contest,

and I had a problem.

Steam coming from
the front of the Frontera.

Things are not
good in the Vauxhall.

MAY: Yes, here we go,
I can have him.

-Come on!

It's tight,
it's tight at the back.

Manoeuvre attempt
by Jeremy Clarkson.




-He's up the bank.

I think we might have
lost sight of the rules
of this race slightly.

MAY: The producers had come
to the same conclusion.

So we were told to
abandon the oval test track.

And report to the drag strip.

Where we would see which car
could get from nought to 60

and then back to nought again
in the shortest
possible distance.

-It's a good test, this.

It is, 'cause it
measures acceleration
and braking all in one go.


MAY: Leisure Stig went first
to lay down a benchmark.

And as he was mid-run,
Jeremy noticed something.

If you don't stop in time...

Then your day
suddenly gets a lot worse.

HAMMOND: Colder.

MAY: Luckily for leisure Stig,

the Kia Sportage stopped
well short of the pond.

And once this
point had been marked,

Hammond took his
position on the start line.

I think he's had a bit
of a hair transplant.

Just look at his fringe.

Seriously, look at his fringe
when he gets out.

You don't have your fringe
transplanted, do you?

Just, well, remember Rooney,
when he had that
forestation job done?

You have a look.

Okay. There's no
putting this off. Here we go.

Come on, everything
you've got, Jeepie,

I need you to
get to 60, quick.


Oh, my God. I'm coming up
to the Stig's braking point...

Oh, my God.

On the brakes,
that's all I've got.

That's all I've got.

I can't brake any
harder than that.


Did a bit of
excrement come out?

I had to use all of
the brakes, I mean...

And you haven't
actually started braking

before you got to
the Stig's stop sign?


CLARKSON: That was
a bit of a worry,

as Hammond's
Jeep was much faster
than my wounded Vauxhall.

Here we go!

Yes! It's a flying
start from Luton's finest.

Five thousand rpm.


Looking good.

There's the Stig's marker.

And there's 60.



Holy mother of God,
that was close!

Oh, no.

Do not pretend
you've got clean pants,
because I know you haven't.

Many poos shot out of my ani.

CLARKSON: I didn't enjoy
my near-death experience,

but in truth,
James enjoyed it even less.

My car is
faster than your car.

And its brakes are not bad.


And I very nearly went into
the muddy pool of effluent.

Didn't you?

-My car's very light.

MAY: Still clutching
at straws, I began my run.

Here we go.

It is a test of acceleration.

And braking, and he has
neither of those things.

No, he doesn't.

Come on.

Still accelerating.



Still accelerating.


Well, he can't get to 60,
can he?





-MAY: Bollocks.

-HAMMOND: Oh, it's sinking.
-You know what he was?

-He was committed.
-Well, yes.

He was determined to reach 60.

He didn't, did he?

God, it's chuffing freezing.

You went a bit far.

Can we just get a flag
to mark his position?

Don't just stand there,
you idiots, it's filling up.

I've looked at the situation.

And there's nothing we can do.

So with that,
back to the studio.

HAMMOND: Except, it wasn't
back to the studio.

Because we were then told
to modify our SUVs

to make them more lifestyle-y.

And then report to a car park.

A few days later,
with our work completed,
I was the first to arrive.

I mean, hello. Here it is.

What I've done is bring out

the Jeep's innate,
outdoorsy American feel.

Up there, roof tent,

which is the best
thing in the whole world.

Winch, dinghy, wind surfer,

pretty much everything I need
to lead the perfect life.

At this point,
Tubs Clarkson arrived.


I'm not going to tell him,
but that looks amazing.


That looks stupid and
you didn't fix the exhaust.

Erm, you know the Vauxhall
badge isn't particularly

This is now a Pershing
sports fishing boat.

Very naval, fishing rods,
it's registered in the BVI.

-Is that an office chair?
-Yes, it is.

-Can you fish on land?

-Do the aerials work?

-Can it go in the water?
-No, but it doesn't...

-What have you done?

Just standing here
criticising mine.

Well, let me start
at the front.

-If I shoot a deer,
it goes on there.

-Have you got a gun with it?

So what are you going
to shoot the deer with?

Throw rocks.

CLARKSON: Whilst Hammond
was demonstrating
his rear-mounted barbeque,

our underachieving
colleague arrived.

So he's just
done nothing at all.

And then emptied
a skip onto the roof.

-That was the hand brake.


-Nothing works.
-It didn't work.

-Bit of warm-up, was that?

CLARKSON: Oh, you've written
"Turboactive" on it.

Yes. These are very good
words, "Turbo" and "Active".

So I combined them
to make "Turboactive".

-Is it turbocharged?

It's not referring to the car,

it's referring
to the lifestyle.

What I've done is,
I've anointed the car

with every conceivable
leisure activity
piece of equipment.

Name a leisure activity,
it's here.

But look at this. You've done
your leisure activities,
whatever those are,

and then you work up a sweat.

So you go.

What do you think? And then...

But everyone
will see your bits.

No, you've got a curtain.

-Want to try it?

What's your seat
upholstery made from?


Old wetsuits.

If, for example,
you drove in, you know,
your car went into some water.

-Which does happen.
-Yeah, it does happen.

The seats aren't ruined.

There's one feature
I want to show you
on my car, if I may.

Obviously, I've built
a sport fishing boat.

But I've equipped it
with some excellent wheels.

Oh, my God.

Don't you think they're
the cleverest wheels you've
ever seen?

No. I think
they're really terrible.

What's the matter with them?

HAMMOND: Yes, certainly,
Reverend, I'll give you
a lift. Hop in.

CLARKSON: Proud of our
leisure lifestyle vehicles,

we decided to go and do
some leisure lifestyle.

CLARKSON: People are no longer
looking at this saying,

"Look, there's a man
in a 140-pound Vauxhall."

They're now saying,
"Look, there's the hero
from a Wilbur Smith book.

"The man whose back ripples
like a sack of pythons."

I'm wondering
what sort of a man

would want to
buy Hammond's car

and I'm thinking
it's the sort of man

whose IQ begins
with a decimal point.

I could drive off there now
into those woods.

I've got a tent.
I've got a home on the roof.

I can hide
from bears up there.

I could cook
a bear on my barbeque
or carry a bear on my bonnet.

I could probably survive
for weeks, months, years
with this car,

out there in the wilderness.

MAY: That man's taken
a photograph of us.

He's going to show it
to his friends tonight
and say,

"Look what I saw.
Some utterly (BLEEP) cars."

CLARKSON: Soon we arrived at
a cold British pond,

and immediately
took to the water
in some leisure craft.

James May is doing leisure!

Hey, this is leisurely!

But, as it turned out,

doing leisure proved
to be quite stressful.

No, no, no, no, other way.

Other way, you (BLEEP)!

Jesus wept!

Hammond, I'm going a million!

I don't like it!

This stupid thing's
got a mind... Ow!
...of its own!


Still, could be worse.





CLARKSON: As I fought off
attacks from my Hobie Cat...


I noticed something.

Hey, look.
That's one of the producers.

Has he got a gold...
He's got a gold envelope,

And since I was the only one
who was moving,

I went to see what was what.

Thomas Crown Affair's going in
and going in hard!

HAMMOND: Now it's going all
choppy and that's worse.

I hate this!

-BOTH: What?

There's a challenge.

What is it?

CLARKSON: Many people
who buy sport utility vehicles

imagine they're more safe
and robust than normal cars.

You will now find
which one of you

has the safest
and most robust car

by running them down a cliff.

that wasn't a misprint.

Oh, hang on, look.

Holy moly!


MAY: God's teeth.

That's a drop, isn't it?
-Isn't it.

Can I suggest we should
probably put our seat belts
on for this?

I was just thinking,
I'd like a harness.

You know we're not
gonna be in the cars.

I knew that. Good.

This is a test of the car's
robustness and safety.

-Can I just say...
-That's good.
I thought it was death.

I really like my car
and I don't wanna do
that to it.

Well, no, this is the thing.

Working on this programme
is a bit like doing a jigsaw.

You spend ages and ages
and ages doing something,

you go,
"Yes, that's brilliant,

"now I'm gonna smash it up
and put it in a box."

Yeah... Yes, that's
what's happening today,

'cause I'm really
pleased with that.

HAMMOND: And sadly,
that was first to go.

ALL: No, no, no, no! No!

No, it's fine, it's fine.

-Is it gonna be okay?
-CLARKSON: It's okay.

HAMMOND: It's all right.
CLARKSON: It is okay.

MAY: It is all right,
look at that. It's fine.

CLARKSON: It's fine,
the wheels are still on,

which is unusual
for a car of yours.

It's quite nice to
see the underside.

-It's in good nick, that.

Look at that cross
member in the chassis.

You need a new
rear exhaust silencer.

HAMMOND: Next, it was
the turn of the Turboactive.

What if mine hits yours
on the way down?

You get points
for that, don't you?
Like a snooker thing.

Here we go, here we go.

-MAY: No, no!

MAY: No!

MAY: No, that's less good.

HAMMOND: Turns out
that bicycles are a big
safety feature.

-They are.
-'Cause they
stopped it rolling.

That's an interesting point.
If you have a bicycle
on the roof...

-You can't roll.
-Better putting it on
the roof than riding it.

CLARKSON: Finally it was the
turn of the Pershing Frontera.

You can't roll a Frontera.
It's very famous for that.

I'm not sure,
but I think you may be
about to discover that it can.


-There you go.
Oh, it is doing a bit.
-Yeah, it really is.

Oh, dear.

-Oh, it... You see...
-It's still going.

-That's very good.
-HAMMOND: What it's doing
is still rolling.

MAY: That's dramatic.
And it's gone right off
the edge! Oh!

Mine is the only one
that's completed the journey.

You don't get extra points
for getting

further down the cliff,
you don't.

CLARKSON: Amazingly,
the 140-pound Frontera
still looked like a car.

And even more amazingly...


Yes, here we go.

-Oh, yeah.

That's passed.

-That is genuinely...
-It's done surprisingly
well, actually.

That is not bad.

CLARKSON: Better still,
it was able to haul
the Jeep off the cliff.


There you go.

I thank you.

CLARKSON: But sadly,
James' Turboactive Pinin
was just too far away.


So we left him behind.

Eventually though,
we were all reunited
in Yorkshire,

where we'd been told to report
for one final challenge.

Why are we on a grouse moor
in dinner jackets?

I've no idea.

And why are you getting out
of your passenger door?

Well that side's a bit bent,
I can't open that door.

You... Oh, hello.

Now we can discover
why we're dressed like this.


"Now you must test
your car's rough
terrain abilities.

"Tonight, the North Yorkshire
Carbon Management
and Sustainability Trust

"are holding their
annual conference
and dinner at Broughton Hall,

"five miles from here.

"You must drive there
without using any roads."

Erm, oh, God!


The last to arrive will be
doing the after-dinner speech.

-This matters.
This matters a lot.
-This is bad.

I'm not losing this.

Where's Broughton Hall?

This is what I do.

Maps, countryside, 4X4s.

That's east.

There's Broughton Hall.

Oh, please, God, no.

I hate after-dinner speaking.

I hate it with such a passion.

I have done a couple of
after-dinner speeches.

On both occasions I thought,

"I'm gonna be brilliant,
I'm gonna knock 'em dead."

On both occasions
I died on my arse.

MAY: I too trembled
at the thought of
after-dinner speaking,

and I had another issue.

I know I'm out of my
element here, viewers.

I live in Hammersmith.
This is the countryside,
I don't really like it.

Don't know what it's for
or what you're
supposed to do with it.

Okay, sit rep.

The roll down the bank
has caused
a little bit of damage.

The windscreen and side window
are both now plastic,

but the mighty
Vauxhall Vectra engine
is working well.

Come on, grippy penis wheels.

MAY: In the Pinin,

my ignorance of country ways
had already got me in bother.

Hang on a minute.

I'm stuck in a sheep pen.

You mustn't worry sheep,
I know that,

otherwise the farmer comes
and shoots at you.

HAMMOND: I, meanwhile,
was totally in my element.


Oh, well done, Jeepie.

This thing is
actually brilliant off-road.

Minimal revs,
just let the torque do it.

This is where Jeremy's
gonna go horribly wrong.

Power is not
necessarily the solution here.


Come on, speed!

Oh, dear, no.

And that's... Oh, come on!

Now I'm in very
big trouble here.

Ladies and gentlemen!

I'm not saying
my mother-in-law's fat,

but she is sustainable.

I can't do
after-dinner speaking!


Cocking Nora,
I'm in another pen.

I'm gonna spend
the rest of my life
in a pen full of sheep.

Gate, that's a gate.


CLARKSON: Having been
pulled free by a friendly
country type...

Yes, yes.

I set off again,

having not learned my lesson.

Speed through the muddy bit.

No, no, no, no, this is bad!


I've gone in a tree.
A tree is happening.

Still, could be worse.

Don't touch the brakes.
I can't help it,
I'm touching the brake.


Ow! Oh!

No, I can't stop now.


Oh, don't go down there,
don't go down there.

Not good.


There you go.


Oh, yeah.

Yeah! Ha-ha!

CLARKSON: All three of us
had been on the move
for two hours

and none of us was
much closer to
our destination.

However, I'd managed to find
a promising-looking track.

It doesn't go all
the way to the hall

but it will get
me a mile or so.

Tonight, ladies and gentlemen,
your guest speaker
is James May.


Power. Blind!

Wait, yes, that's...

That's it, that's the...
It's all over now.

back in the sheep pens.

MAY: I've already been here.

CLARKSON: Having solved my
visibility issues...

Yes, behold
the strength of the man.

I was back on the move.

Oh, God, it's cold.

I'm 54, why am I doing this?


Don't want that.

HAMMOND: In the Jeep,
my countryside
skills had paid off.

Hang on a minute.

That's it.

That's where I'm going.

This is it.

There it is.

Ladies and gentlemen,
your speaker for this evening

will not be Richard Hammond
because he won the race.


Oh, yeah.

Wrong place. Oh, God!

CLARKSON: I, meanwhile,
wasn't at the wrong place.

And there it is,
Broughton Hall.
My quest is at an end.

There's a bridge
across the river.
Excellent news!

Oh, no.

Yes, look,
in here, there's an exit.

That's what it's for,
look, that's what it's for.

That's a ford, in my mind.

Having waterproofed my car
for the perilous river
crossing, I waded in.


I have designed
this to be a boat
and it's going to be one.


Please don't do that.

James was still stuck
in a sheep pen.

Really stuck.

MAY: No, no, no, no, no!

hang on, hang on, hang on.

I can do...



CLARKSON: Up at the hall,
the guests were
starting to arrive.

(SIGHS) Let's just try that.

(BLEEP) hell.

Sure, that was
the bit of the map I needed.

It's slippery.

This is the right way.

I think this is the right way.

I don't wanna have
to do the speech.

I don't wanna do the speech.

What was it again?
Sustainability and
carbon something?

I mean,
they're not gonna wanna hear
about my Mustang, are they?


In the Frontera, things
still weren't going well.

You bastard!

But I had at least
found a way to stay warm.

Oh, yeah.

I can't imagine that
a urine-soaked
pair of trousers

is going to put
the audience off,
because look...

a long way downstream.


That's deeper than I expected.


Oh, no.

Go ahead and kill me.

Just kill me.

Bad! Bad!

Deep... Deep mud!

Oh, God, I've lost a shoe!

Oh, no!

No shoe. Cold...

No, no, no. Oh, God!

With Jeremy
and I bogged down...


...James was on
the move again,

and bringing
himself into contention.

Oh, yes.

This farm track is
the most beautiful road
I've ever seen.

I might get out of this yet.

-Come on! No, don't!

I hate working on Top Gear!

HAMMOND: In the Jeep,
I was finally free

and back in the running.

It's not over yet.

Gonna go just over this crest
and there it will be.

Buffeting. Buffeting.

Ladies and gentlemen,
your host for this evening,

from BBC's Top Gear,

it's Richard
Hammond/Jeremy Clarkson.

CLARKSON: Not if I had
anything to do with it.

Come on, Vauxhall!

Come on, 140-pound Vauxhall...

Well, 70-pound Vauxhall now.

Engine warning lights are on.

It doesn't have to live for
more than another
10 minutes or so.

It just has to get me there
before one of the other two.




Not now, not so close!


I beg of you! Mercy!

Come on, little car,
you've got about
half a mile to go.

Come on, come on, keep moving.

Here I am. I've made
it to Broughton Hall.

Is James here,
is Richard here?

I can't see their cars.

Come on! Yes!

Thank you, Lord!
Thank you, Vauxhall!

Oh, God, I'm gonna end up
doing the speech!

Oh, yes!

That is, ladies and gentlemen,
the home straight.

This is it, there it is.

Please, please, please.

MAN: Ladies and gentlemen,

I'm sorry about
the wait this evening.

Thank you so much
for your patience.

It gives me great pleasure,

your guest speaker tonight is

Mr Richard Hammond.


Good evening,
ladies and gentlemen.

Carbon Management
and Sustainability Trust.

I am often asked,

what's your
favourite car, Richard?

And it's a Land Rover.

But that, you see,
land, because you...

It's primarily the environment
with which you are involved,

I'm actually wearing

quite a lot of
the environment this evening.


Isn't Jeremy fat?

Sorry, sir, I don't mean...

That's not
necessarily bad, obviously.

Some people just are.

MAY: Well, you know what?

that sounded like one of

your more successful
after-dinner speeches.

Do you know, it was?

Nobody even threw crockery
for another minute.

Anyway, we hope
you enjoyed those films

and all that remains now
is for us to say
thank you for watching.

Yes, absolutely, thank you
very much for watching,

-and, well, goodbye.