Top Gear (2002–…): Season 21, Episode 6 - Burma Special: Part 1 - full transcript

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CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Hello. Hello, everybody,
thank you very much. Thank you.

A big welcome! Nice.

A big welcome.
Thank you and welcome.

Welcome to what is
a very special show,

because it is our Christmas special.

Yeah, and this year
it's a little bit different.

Yeah, because it's actually
the middle of March. It is.

The main reason it's a little bit
different is because our producers

have told us that
we should try our hands
at long-distance lorry driving.



Literally, my idea of heaven. Yeah.

They told us each to buy a truck
and report with it

to what the BBC calls the Republic
of the Union of Myanmar.

But everybody else calls it Burma.

The meeting point was
a giant parade ground

in the middle of
the old capital city, Rangoon.

And I was the first to arrive.

ENGINE SQUEALS INTO SILENCE

I've bought a stereo.

I have a speaker system here
in the roof,

the passenger seat has been replaced
with a subwoofer,

and there are two amps with
a combined power of 2,300 watts.

The best thing is,
included in the price was this comb

and...an entire lorry.



It was built in 1959...

or 1976.
People are a bit hazy on that.

What we do know for sure
is that Isuzu made the mud flaps,

which is odd, because it says
Mitsubishi on the axles.

Ooh!
ENGINE APPROACHES

Is that James? It is James.

Don't really call that a lorry.

Morning. Van, mate. What?

We had to bring lorries.
That is a lorry.

It's a van.
Technically it's a crane, actually.
I've bought a crane.

Oh, is that what that is?
Look at that.

A crane, two winches,
hydraulic rams, legs...

'And it had the latest
in high-tech dashboards.'

That's a mess.

Isn't this going to drive
your OCD madness...

Well, I've put labels
on things corresponding to
what I think they do.

Hazards... What's that?
I've got one of those.

I've had to put a question mark
on it. Mine is a sports lorry.

Straight six, rear-wheel drive,
twin exhausts.

BMW 325i and this, almost identical.

Banging stereo. Really?

Seriously. You want to hear it?
Not really. I expect it's quite...

DEAFENING MUSIC

MUSIC DISTORTS AT HIGH VOLUME

Anyway, I'm sure that won't
become annoying at all.

I need to ask you a question. What?
Why are you wearing a tie?

Because I'm a modern lorry driver,

and modern lorry drivers
are crisp and sharp.

The days are over
when you simply turned up

with a glove box full of strong
pornography and egg on your vest.

At this point, Hammond arrived

with a glove box full of strong
pornography and egg on his vest.

CLEARS THROAT
What do you think?

What is it?
A lorry or a Hindu temple?

This has been extensively modded.
Has it?

Not just the visual improvements.

They are significant, the lights and
the little studdy things, but note...

Oh, God.

All of that frame arrangement,
right, it's a farm truck. Yeah.

And that's so it can accommodate
those low-density big loads.

Big loads of what? Crops.
What crop? Here? In Burma?

Home of the Golden Triangle?
Hay. No. Or turnips. No.

Kale. No, heroin.

That's all they really grow here.
You've bought a heroin lorry.

Fit a lot of heroine in there,
wouldn't you?

Hammond, this seat, well, let's be
honest, it's a church pew. Yeah.

It looks like the sort of railway
carriage that Agatha Christie
went about in.

James has bought a van.

Has he parked it a long way away,
or is it that small?

'As we were admiring
the paintwork on Jeremy's lorry,
our challenge arrived.'

I'm quite excited, actually, come to
think of it! We're here with these.

"In 1943, British, Australian
and Dutch prisoners of war

"were forced by their Japanese
captors to build the Burma Railway

"across South-East Asia.

"Their efforts and their suffering
were immortalised in the film

"Bridge On The River Kwai.
That's what you're going to do.

"You're going to build a river
bridge which is strong enough

"to support the weight
of your lorries."

I don't know anything about
bridge-building. Build a bridge?!

How big a bridge are we going to
have to build... Yeah, how big?

How much does yours weigh? About
1,000 tonnes. Afraid it gets worse.

You know they said long-distance
lorry driving? Yes.

"The only trouble is that you have
to drive to the river in question,

"which is in Thailand."

The River Kwai is not in Thailand.
Yes, it is.

The River Kwai is in Thailand.
Is it? Where's Thailand?
But it's in...

I promise you, the River Kwai,

I know everyone thinks it's Burma,
it isn't, it's Thailand.

So we're going to go and build
a bridge over the River Kwai.

Like Alec Guinness.
I don't know how to build a bridge.

THEY WHISTLE "Colonel Bogey March"

'In high spirits,
the journey began.'

We are off.

Oh, yeah.

We worked out that the most sensible
way of getting to the river

was to head right across Burma

to its northernmost border crossing
with Thailand.

On this epic 1,200 mile journey,

we would find strange new cities
with no-one in them,

cross mountain ranges
straight out of Jurassic Park,

ford disease-filled rivers
and attend a party which made

the scene at the end of Apocalypse
Now look like a quiet night in.

And we'd have to do it all
in lorries which,

right at the start,
weren't really working properly.

There are gauges. Nothing works.

Nothing at all. Not one of them.

Not fuel gauge, oil,
oil pressure, charge, vacuum,

temperature, nothing works.

GEARS RASP
Oh, God above!

Ah! That's not it.

There's no synchromesh
on this gearbox,

so when you go from third to second
or whatever, you have to -

oh, bloody Nora - double de-clutch.

GEARS RASP

Like that. Only smoother.

Oh!
RATTLING AND SCRAPING

Oh, God.

How fast am I going?
Speedo doesn't work.

Oh, my giddy aunt!
The ride is shocking.

OG!

Possibly a bit of play
in the steering.

Let me talk you through my brakes.
They don't really work.

I've got three centimetres of
pedal travel where nothing happens,

and then a millimetre where it all
happens and the wheels lock up.

There's no handbrake,
and I'm not being stupid.
I've looked everywhere.

There isn't a puh-chh! one,
there isn't hand one,
there isn't a switch.

And on top of
the mechanical problems,

we had to deal with
Rangoon's pedestrians.

CARS HONK HORNS

Stop wandering about in the road!

Whoa! A granddad's just walked
by that child, right underneath
your lorry.

Whoa! Somebody else just did it.

Pedestrians have no concept
of traffic. None at all.

And there was another issue.

One of the reasons that driving
here is so difficult

is because everybody, as you can
see, has right-hand-drive cars,

but they drive on the right.

And this is because, for 46 years,
Burma was run by

a chap called General Ne Win,
who was a proper lunatic.

He was guided mostly either by
his dreams or by his astrologers.

One morning, he woke up
and he thought,

"My country is slipping too far
to the left politically,

"so I shall correct this
by forcing everybody

"to drive on the right-hand side
of the road."

This makes life particularly
difficult for bus passengers.

In a minute, we'll see a bus
pulled up at the side of the road,

at a bus stop, but all the people
will be getting out

into the road, because the bus used
to go on the left, so the doors...

It's just complete madness!

You may be wondering why today

people don't buy
left-hand-drive cars...

..and if I'm honest,
I'm wondering that as well.

Our worst problem, however,
was that James was navigating.

James, can I say,
this can't be right.

HORNS HONK
Sorry! Sorry!

How does James ever land his
aeroplane where he wants to be?

Right, should be this way.

'It wasn't.'
Will I even fit down there?

Mind that sign on your right,
Hammond. This is ridiculously tight!

'As I sorted out some compensation
for the damaged fruit...'

Thank you. No, no!
Oh, I see, it was not enough.

'..Hammond was discovering
for the very first time

'the problems of being tall.'

Hold on a second, these wires...
these are too low.

Oh, God.

I'm thinking if I crane out...
It's only this one, isn't it?

Yeah, lift that, you come
underneath, I'll drop it on you,

then it will just slide
along your rails.

Do it.
How about five crisp English pounds?

SHE SPEAKS IN HER OWN LANGUAGE

Keep coming. Keep coming.

Haven't been electrocuted yet.

Haven't been electrocuted yet.
Still haven't been electrocuted.

I don't like it!
Oh, everyone's going to die!

BANG!

You've ripped a hole
in the top of my truck!

James... Why is your...
Your lorry's moving, James!

You've winched yourself into...
Put your handbrake on.

It hasn't got a handbrake.
What do you mean,
it hasn't got a handbrake?

It hasn't got a handbrake!

'We were causing chaos.'

It's broken.

Whoa! What was that?!
James, I've got a headache!

I've never concentrated this hard!

Sorry. I don't think it will
go through there, mate.

HE SIGHS

Sorry. Sorry.

Still, the good news is
we've done two miles.

'Mercifully, we eventually broke
free from the narrow streets.'

I'm in agony. Left foot,
endless gear changing...

GEARS CREAK
God above.

Reverse.

Third... Oh, Christ!

Hang on a minute.

If I engage the low range
then I can put it in third gear

and basically leave it there
all day.

A-ha! How brilliant is this?

Oh, yeah.

No more gear changing.

MECHANICAL WHIRRING

That doesn't feel
very low range to me.

What is it
if it isn't a low-range gearbox?

Oh, my God!

My truck has split in half.

'After I had explained to Jeremy
that he'd bought a tipper lorry,

'I then had to deal with
CW McCall on the CB radio.'

Hey, James. Hello.

I've got it. You've got it?

Yeah, my handle.

I'm going to be called
Fighting Peacock.

Can I just abbreviate that to Cock?
What are you going to be?

I thought I'd be James,
because that's my name.

Fighting Peacock!

'On the outskirts of Rangoon,
we came across a memorial

'to the 27,000 Commonwealth soldiers

'who died here
in the Second World War.

'It was a timely reminder that
the Bridge On The River Kwai

'was rather more than
a Sunday afternoon movie.'

"The Japanese sergeant moved into
position, lifted his pick handle

"and delivered a blow
across Smith's back
that would have laid out a bull.

"All the thugs now set to
in earnest.

"Soon, little could be seen
but the rise and fall

"of pick helves
above the heads of the group,

"and there were sickening thuds
as blows went home
on the squirming, kicking body,

"periodically pulled back onto its
feet only to be knocked down again.

"Bill Smith cried out repeatedly
that he was 50 years of age,

"appealing for mercy,
but to no avail..."

The tragedy is
that all of those 27,000 men

died fighting for
the liberation of Burma,

and straight after the war,
Britain got rid of it

and then it fell into the hands
of a tin-pot dictator
and Mystic Meg.

'With James still map-reading,
we headed out into the countryside,

'where we hoped the driving
would be less stressful.'

ENGINES ROAR PAST AND HORNS HONK

BLEEP Nora!

That's my first lock-up,
total lock-up.

I've lost second gear.

There it is.

Jeremy, that bus overtaking you,
he's mad.

HORNS HONK INCESSANTLY

Look, I can't,
I'm trying to change gear.

'The miles and the hours rolled by.'

Ow! Ow!

I'm sitting on a church pew,
for God's sake.

My knee... Ah!

Ow! Ow!

My knee! Ow!

That is the going down of the sun.

It's fabulous. Look at that.

However, when the sun
had finished going down,

things weren't so fabulous.

That girl on that bike,
she's just invisible.

There's a moped there
with no lights on

and a bicycle there
with no lights on,

and I can't really see them,

because my headlights are, well,
they're glow-worms in jam jars.

Can you see anything, Hammond?

Not a thing.

Literally, just my own stupid
reflection in my windscreen.

Jeez, I'm so frightened of
running over a pedestrian,

I'm not even worried
about my knee any more.

HORN HONKS SUDDENLY
Whoa!

Well, if I had to dip
the headlights,

it would appear to be
full beam or off.

A lorry with one central headlamp,
so you think it's a motorbike

until the last second, and then, no!
It's a massive truck!

I'm bloody tired. I've been driving
today for exactly 12 hours.

That would be illegal in Britain.

But we are now very close
to the overnight hotel.

'Two agonising hours later,
we reached it.'

Do you know what? This is like a
trucker's place. Are we staying here?

'The producers said yes,
and that our room was upstairs.'

Oh, it's not so bad!
Is it not so bad? Yeah.

Oh, God.

Worst night's sleep in history.
It wasn't sleep.

This lot. What were they doing?

ENGINE SPUTTERS NOISILY INTO LIFE

That.

Look what I've done.

What have you done?

It's a leg brace so I can change
gear. So it supports my knee.

Let's go. Let's just move on,
erase it...

You know those Ice Road Truckers,
they're always going,

"We got a real tough job..."
They can shut up.

Cos I don't suspect that
the Ice Road Truckers

have to sleep like this chap here.

Look at him.

'Before leaving, I checked the map
to see how far we'd come.'

No? Here? Are you sure?

Here.

Show me. Hammond.

This is where we began.

We're heading for here,
up here, around here.

So where do you think we are, then,
on this road?

No. We're here.

You know that fork when we left
Rangoon and James went left?

All of yesterday we drove up here.
What was it, 14, 15 hours?

Yeah, but... You're on
the way to Bangladesh.

'James suggested we go
all the way back to Rangoon

'and start again, but I fired him
as navigator and said

'we should take a small road over
the hills to get back on course.

'This would mean driving
deep into the sticks.'

There seems to be a tradition here
for riding on a lorry rather than

necessarily in it. I've just seen
three or four blokes

on the top of the cab of a lorry.

So if he brakes suddenly,

they all get run over, I suppose.

'Still, could be worse.'

Uh!

I'm not a young man and I'm
not a fit man, I'll be honest.

And I am suffering in here.
This ride is really brutal.

The problem is that the sports
lorry was designed

to work for a living,

was designed to have five or six
tonnes of stuff in the back.

Without that weight, it's just
bouncing all over the place.

'Obviously, I didn't want
to admit this to my colleagues,

'so when we stopped for tea I tried
discreetly to rectify the problem.'

CLANG! JEREMY TRIES TO
DISGUISE IT WITH A COUGH

HE FEIGNS COUGHING

He's putting bricks in his truck to
weigh it down to improve the ride.

I can see. He's going to need
a lot of bricks.

'Having come to the same conclusion,

'I decided to borrow
James's complicated crane.'

I can't stand watching this.

Right.

What the hell's happening?
What have you done, you moron?

I think you've actually
caught your own lorry.

Stop! Help! My knee!

Save the day!

Oh, dear. Stop! Put it down!

You'll break the jib off the crane.
And you've knackered my lorry.

I've just saved the day
by tipping my lorry up.

The bricks have fallen out,
the handbrake's not on.

What have you done? It is on.

'At this point, I opted for
a less high-tech solution.

'And after they'd loaded a tonne
of bricks in the back,

'there was a noticeable difference.'

It's not perfect,
but it's a hell of a lot better.

If I put more weight in,
it will be even more comfortable.

'So at the next village, I bought
some of the region's special seeds.'

What's he doing?

He thinks he's bought some heroin.

I have. Has he?

I have bought heroin. It's rice.
It isn't rice. It is rice.

Richard Hammond, trust me on this,
on the streets of London,

this has a value of £12 million.

No, mate, on the shelves of Tesco,
that has a value of about a fiver.

It's not rice!
Are you going to cut it with peas?

'With the heroin loaded,

'I found a heavy old tree stump

'and asked James
to crane it on board as well.'

He is so unbelievably happy.

'With the sports lorry fully loaded,
it was transformed.'

Oh, yeah!

First bump, I shan't even feel it,
because the ride is sublime.

The ride of a Rolls-Royce Phantom.

'However, on the hills,
there was a bit of a downside.'

Hello, James and Richard?

What?

This is my new top speed.

Oh, God, I thought we were
stuck behind a moped.

I couldn't see. Is this it?

Yes.

You're a right dipstick.

Yes.

'And because the road was so narrow,
we couldn't get past him.'

Uh-oh!

Steep gradient.

Foot hard down.

Dearie me, we're in trouble here.

This is ridiculous!
We're hardly moving.

ENGINE REVS AND THEN STOPS

No, we've had it.
You're going to have to back up.

I need a run-up for this bit. What?
It won't go up this hill.

You're going to have to back up.

No, this hill has gone on
for about a mile through hairpins.

I'm not reversing back down.

James, could you explain
the situation to him?
I can't go forwards.

I can't back up either.

A, Hammond's in the way,
and B, I can't be bothered.

..There's round bends,
this people on bikes. No.

Well, there's only one thing for it,
then. I have to lose weight.

MECHANICAL WHIRRING
Oh, no.

No! Jeremy, that's not...

You are a complete child,
a petulant child.

You wanted me
to move out of your way.

I am now able
to move out of your way.

Look at this. Yes!

This lorry
is now scampering up these hills.

Right. Well...

One, two...

'Stopping to mend my tailgate
allowed the others to catch up,

'and when they did,
they weren't in the best of moods.'

I've got a new handle for you on
the CB. It's called Selfish BLEEP.

'And things didn't improve
a few miles later

'when the hill route I'd selected
went a bit wrong.'

Your road is sort of not a road,
is it? Let's be honest.

Clarkson, you are a...

It's not really a road here at all.
We've got a ford.

Here we go, into the water.

Lots of wheel spin, sliding badly.

Oh, yes.

The sports lorry is clear,
it's through.

It's time for the smug face.

'Mr Slowly went next...in his van.'

That's quite clunky.

It's... There's something stuck
there, I can feel it.

We'll break the front axle off.

'Hammond immediately rushed
to May's aid.'

Ramming.

Stop!

'James then tried
to winch himself off

'using Hammond's truck
as a ground anchor.'

Ted Nugent and George Michael
are helping one another out.

'After this failed,
I tried to tow him clear.'

Three, two, one, now.

'But that didn't work either.'

Stop!

'He then decided to use his crane,
which immediately broke.

'He really was stuck, so we were
forced to take drastic action.'

Hammond and I have had
a bit of a chat and we are...

Well, we're leaving him.

He has bought a van
that has no traction at all,

no ability to work off road

and now no hydraulics
so none of his tools work.

You've got to be ruthless
in these circumstances.

With his crane, he was useful.

Without it,
he's just another mouth to feed.

'I settled in for another stint
with the world's most
cooperative gearbox.'

Oh, bollocks, missed again.

Nothing there.

Nothing there, there it is.

'I knew, on these twisting roads,
life was even worse for Hammond.'

This is really annoying.

'Still, at least I was moving.'

The situation report.

I've been rescued by a very helpful
local man with his truck.

I still don't know his name.

He's lent me this arc welder

to repair the shaft that drives
the pump that makes the crane work.

'With that done, my fellow
knight of the road towed me

'back to firmer ground.'

And then we're free.

I must remember to say a thousand
chei-zu-boos to this man.

'Miles ahead. in the advance party,
we were really starting to climb.'

Oh-ho-ho!

Wow!

'The views were stunning.

'And at the top of the hill,
we pulled over for a bit of a look.'

You know we always say
that Italy is God's race track,

Canada is his pantry,
Germany is his workshop?

That's his garden.

Absolutely staggering.

'Captain Traction would have enjoyed
this view very much, however...'

Bollocks.

ENGINE STRUGGLES

The local bloke with a digger is
giving me a little leg up there.

HE TOOTS HORN

It's great, isn't it? This must be
Buddhism in action.

I might convert.

From whatever I already am.

'Very, very far ahead,
Hammond and I finally found the road

'we should have been on
in the first place.'

Put it in top gear.

There it is. Oh, yeah.

That sounds terrible.

It's like being back in Spain.
Nothing on it.

'Regrouped, we continued onwards.

'Our destination, Burma's brand-new
capital city, Naypyidaw.'

'Here, the producers had once again
lined up a hovel for us to stay in.

'But we were hot, filthy
and worn out.

'So we ignored them and headed
for the best hotel in town.'

A flushing lavatory.

Oh, rest my weary head.

Having first filled it with gin.

Oh, listen to that rain.

It'll be like the shower
or something. 30 seconds.

'Our only problem was that two of us

'weren't exactly dressed
for a place like this.'

Let me do the talking.

Good evening, sir. Evening, sir.

HE CLEARS THROAT

Three rooms, please.

Sorry, no more rooms, sir.

Fully booked.

Sorry, sir.

THUNDERCLAPS

'The next morning
after another dreadful night,

'we decided enough was enough and
agreed we should modify our lorries

'to make them more suitable
for our travels through Burma.

'So we found a workshop,
hired some local help,

'toiled through the night,

'and the next morning
the job was done.'

Every modification I have made

is inspired by my desire
not to run over any of the locals.

So it has, for example,
Buddha looking down,

a lucky elephant, the lucky owl
which is very important,

it has better mirrors,

better lights and it is wearing
a high visibility jacket.

Yes, as are you. What is
the boiler in the back? That...

Are you brewing beer?
What? No, sadly.

It's the water tank
for the brake cooling system.

What, like racing lorries have?
Exactly like that.

It sprays. I've got a little switch.

It sprays water on the drums,
makes them more efficient downhill.

I didn't think of that.
No. What's the box?

Air conditioning. What's that got to
do with safety? Keeps me alert.

Does it? Yes.
And keeps him alert as well.

Because he'll want to break it. Yes.

'Jeremy then showed us his work.'

Why would you not have a convertible
lorry. Cos it's raining. Look at it!

It's... It's quite good actually.
Smashing. It's very good.

Shelby striping.
Sports badging on the side.

Living accommodation on the back.

This is fashioned from lead
and rhodium. Is it?

Yes, for extra weight
to improve my ride. Come back.

Simple, crisp accommodation inside,
Shelby bedding and ebony wood floor.

More weight. Come on!
It looks brilliant.

'As, it must be said,
did Hammond's.'

Hammond, you've got white walls!
Oh, yeah, yeah!

The ugly duckling has become a swan.
Wow! Yeah!

Check out my stacks. Please don't
tell me they're exhausts.

Yeah. Both sides.

What, actually func...? They are.
Yeah, there's a T-junction.

Hang on, you've made it even taller.
I have. It's bigger, isn't it?

It's better. But, come round
the back, this... Honestly.

He did a little skip then.
He's very excited. He did a skip.

I am very, very... What I have here,
this is the bathroom area. Shower.

It's got a shower. Where's the water
come from? Ha-ha! Ha-ha yourself.

There is, up the top, a reservoir.
About so big.

On my viewing gallery. Hammond, it's
a bucket. It's... It's a bucket.

It's a remote reservoir.

And that is, right now,

collecting beautiful crisp, clean,
fresh, invigorating rainwater.

This is the kitchen area with lino
to reflect that. What's that?

Over there is a wardrobe.

There is a hammock with mosquito net
built-in. Drinks globe on the right.

'And Hammond wasn't finished.'

From up here, on a sunny evening,
I can sit here as the sun goes down,

gaze at the stars and enjoy
a drink from my drinks globe.

Do you take visitors? Yeah.

I think he's going to have to
because something
has just occurred to me.

What? You haven't got
any living accommodation.

That's a very good point.
You've forgotten it, you idiot!

No, I haven't.

Well, you have.
Are you sleeping in the cab?

Because it's not going to be
comparable. Let's... Let's see.

'Before we set off,
I gave the chaps some presents.'

You bought us a teddy bear?
No, that's for me. Is it?

Yeah, that's my bonnet ornament. Are
you feeling lonely? It's your what?

Bonnet ornament for weight. It's
the heaviest teddy bear in Burma.

'I'd got Hammond
a bonnet ornament too.'

Wow, that's beautiful.

I know you don't have a clock
so you'll have it on the bonnet,

you'll be able to tell the time.
Oh, it really is...

It's a high-quality gift.
Oh, fantastic! Thank you.

I've always wanted
a Shuanglin hammer.

It's from my own personal
collection.

'Having christened my bear Rudyard,
and attached him to
the sports lorry, we set off.'

Oh, this feels better already.

Oh, hang on.

Richard Hammond is doing
a remake of The Poseidon Adventure.

'We had many miles to cover

'but first we had to get through
Naypyidaw's morning rush hour.'

This rush hour traffic is
not as bad as I thought.

'The roads were completely empty.
And massive.'

One, two, three, four, five, six,
seven, eight. Yep, 16 lanes now.

HE LAUGHS

Wait, it's gone bigger.

Five, six, seven, eight,
nine, ten. 20.

It's 20 lanes now.

'This may look stupid and pointless,
but actually it really isn't.'

The problem with most cities
is that the growth comes

and the city simply
can't accommodate it.

That happened in London, Rome,
Paris, Bangkok, everywhere.

That is not going to happen here.

I think this must be
the first city built

entirely in anticipation
of the future.

'But the future hasn't arrived yet.

'So, for now, the whole place is
almost completely deserted.

'Even here, in the shadow
of the parliament building,

'we were able to have a game of
football in the middle of the road.'

Officer.

It's the Burmese police versus Top
Gear. Oh, no. Rush hour, game over.

Look at it, traffic.

Really though,
it was too wet for football.

So, much to Hammond's annoyance, we
organised a city centre drag race.

ENGINES REV

This doesn't seem fair.

I've got the same 6.4 litre Isuzu
straight-six diesel as Jeremy's

and probably James's,
but the lumber bus is bigger.

We're not going to cover ourselves
in glory here, old girl.

HE COUNTS DOWN

Disastrous start. There it is!

This is going to hurt,
we're going to have to rev you hard.

Sports truck is gaining. Gaining.

Gaining. Gaining, gaining.

No!

115km an hour.

Come on! Yes!

Oh, victory is sweet.

Second place.
But I have got a crane.

Must brake, must brake.

Oh, got a football under
the brake pedal. That's bad.

Hammond, have you finished yet?

Still going.

'After Hammond had lumbered across
the line, we headed out of Naypyidaw

'and soon we started to discover
some flaws with our modifications.'

Oh, my... No...no, wait.

I'm speaking to you now
from underneath
my businessman's umbrella.

It has taken the water
about 15 minutes to fathom it out

but it's in here now
and it's in in great quantities.

Oh, I can hear my exhaust
hitting a tree.

Hammond, you're doing the council
out of a job, mate.

It's like I'm driving through
the aftermath of a hurricane.

Let's rename him Pruning Peacock.

JEREMY LAUGHS

'Soon, though,
James was punished for mocking.'

Captain Workmanship.

It's a radiator hose.
It's not a bit I've touched.

Well, we have a tradition.

Oh, no, how am I going to
do it without them(!)

'Leaving James to deliver
an interesting lecture...'

If you're watching this
from an engineering workshop

or technical college, this is not
the correct tool for the job.

'..we continued on our way.'

I think a lot of the fumes
are coming into the cab
from under my new stack.

Not all of my improvements
have turned out to be improvements.

GLASS SMASHES

The simple tradition of
the British dustman,

putting a teddy bear
on the front of a lorry,

is bringing joy
to the children of Burma.

They love Rudyard!

'By mid-afternoon
we were all reunited

'and James took advantage
of my mobile maintenance service.'

This isn't perilous at all(!)

Oh, it's about
three or four inches.

Too far.

LAUGHTER

'Soon, the road started to climb,
and as night fell,

'I turned on the roof lights
that I'd fitted myself.'

Oh, yes!

MUSIC: "The Great Gig In The Sky"
by Pink Floyd

I'm driving a Pink Floyd gig
right now.

I love this!
The noise, the chaos, the heat...

CLANGING

I think I might have just lost
one of my...

Yeah, I did. I lost a stack.

I've got to carry on.

I'm just going to pretend I didn't.

'Meanwhile, in the darkness,
James was coming over all Buddhist.'

Hang on, I've got a personal
dog escort here.

Shift your ass, dog.

HORN HONKS

Oh, God, give me strength!

I think that dog
was inhabited by a benign spirit.

Seriously -
if that dog hadn't done that,

I'd have gone onto the bridge
and I'd have hit the bus.

'Sadly, Buddhist dog wasn't around
when five miles later,

'I had another breakdown.'

That's what came off. That's the
old one, which tore itself to shreds

and in the process, pulled the wire
out of the sender

for the temperature gauge,
so I don't have that any more.

This lorry is crap.

'Up ahead, Richard and I
were looking forward

'to a night in our new
on-board accommodation.

'But thanks to the British Empire,
we didn't need it.'

'After a night here,

'4,000 feet up a mountain in a small
village in the middle of Burma,

'at this strangely odd
but comfortable Bournemouth hotel,

'we were feeling refreshed.

'And with Hammond leading,

''we were out of the village
in a mere couple of hours.'

Hang on - whoa, whoa, whoa,
whoa, whoa.

Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa!

Oh, God...

Go slowly. OK?

Oh, thank you.

Keep going, hang on...

Are we going to spend the whole day
tiptoeing under telephone wires?

No, because you'll break down
eventually.

OK, there's going to be
a motorcyclist coming past you.

Check out his helmet.

That's quite a strong statement.

'After a quick map check,

'I decided we should take
a tempting-looking short cut.'

Right, follow me.

'Which went well.'

Oh, dear God...

Any other adventures
lined up on your short cut, Jeremy?

Landslides, or avalanche...?

It's just a tropical mountain
shower. Gone in a jiffy.

THUNDER RUMBLES

Or maybe not.

No, this looks pretty terrible.

'Eventually, my scenic route
brought us to a remote settlement -

'that was very much...off the grid.'

Good thing is in this little town
there'll be no low wires.

'Instead,
there was something worse.'

Oh, no!

Oh, no. Oh, this is bad.

I'm stuck, I'm stuck.

Hang on, I'll park up
and come back on foot. Stand by.

'Bored with Hammond's
chimney-related problems,

'I went on an explore.

'And found some locals playing
something that was nearly football.'

This is a brilliant idea.
They're using a monk as a referee.

And he's smoking.

WHISTLE BLOWS

APPLAUSE

'Back at the bridge, the villagers
had broken out their tool box.'

Really? If you're sure.

OK.

Move the entire sign.

I wouldn't be this helpful.
We know that.

'Meanwhile, I'd stumbled on a scene
from an Indiana Jones movie.'

There's thousands of them!

MAN SPEAKS IN LOCAL LANGUAGE

That's "Hurry up. It's heavy."
Oh, right. OK...

How we doing? James, I can't see.

Yeah...?

MAN: OK! Yes. You through?

Yay!

'With the town behind us,
progress was good.

'And then...it wasn't.'

My fuel gauge is...
just on the top of the red.

Um... I don't have one.

What I do have is the same engine
as you

but a much heavier truck,
so I must have used more.

'And out here on my short cut,

'there were no filling stations
at all.'

The needle is now

nearly all in the red.

Trying to use the tiniest
throttle movements,

just to keep it ticking along.

'In the next village,
James and I decided to pull over

'and dip our tanks.'

I've got no fuel. None?

A smear on the end of the stick.

What's the news?

None. I mean, it's dry,
I don't know what I'm running on.

If you actually run a diesel out

you've got to bleed the system,
haven't you? And it's hours.
BOTH: Yeah.

Well, look, why don't you just go
and snout around the village
and see if you can find some?

Why me?
You're the youngest and fittest.

Well, it's your fault we're in
this situation. But I'm old and hot.

It's your short cut. Seriously. If
anybody's got to go, it's you, mate.

Right, right, I'll go.

Fuel. Diesel.
And as much as you can. Yes.

What is Burmese for "diesel"?

How do you mime "diesel"?
Mime a lorry.

Brrr... And then do that.

Right, so I'm a butler with
Parkinson's, and I've got a gun.

'Jeremy headed off.

'And was gone for quite some time.'

Still quite hot, that.

Done the oil. Have you? Are you
reading Bridge On The River Kwai?

Yeah, he's just gone into the hut...
Bad news. What? Bad news. What?

I haven't been able to get
any diesel.

'However - I had come up
with a clever alternative.'

No, you halfwit.

There's no diesel in this village.

But there is diesel
in the next village.

So we use the horses
to ride to the next village,

get the diesel, bring it back
to the trucks.

We're not in a Western.
I can't ride a horse. What?

Well, I might have been pony
trekking when I was eight, but...

Well, it'll be in
there, won't it?

Well, I wouldn't use that one there.
Holy moly!

Why do they have five legs in Burma?
Maybe so it can milk itself?

Shall we spend all day looking
at a horse's willy, or shall we go?!

Oh, it's gone wrong...

'Being the most experienced horseman,

'I took the frisky
five-legged stallion.'

We're on.

Oh, Christ almighty!

Hello, horse.

I shall call you Tesco.

Ready, steady, go.

Well, I've bought a stalled horse.
It's going backwards.

I've bought a reversing horse.

I think if we get moving,
yours might follow more readily.

James, can you turn right
and go up there? Turn around.

How do you make it turn around?
Anybody know how to start
a Burmese horse?

Go on, follow your mate.
Yes. Very good.

The controls are reversed... I'm off!

Oh, yeah.

Yeah!

MUSIC: Theme from "A Fistful
Of Dollars" by Ennio Morricone

'Soon, James was getting a taste
'of what the ride was like
in my sports lorry.'

My nadgers are getting a pummelling.

Ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow...

Look at the anal action
going on here.

My horse is going up
your one's bottom.

Oh, Christ, we've had an accident.
You go ahead.

I'm terrified!

My nads are killing me!

HORSE GRUNTS
Oh, stop that, please don't fight!

Walk on. I'll stop calling you Tesco
if you promise not to fight.

Go!

Walk. There you go.
Ow, ow, ow, ow, ow...

Oh, God above!
Not much further now, James.

Jesus! I mean - Buddha!

'A few hundred yards further on,

'Richard's stallion decided to get
amorous with James's mare.'

HORSE WHINNIES
Ooh! BLEEP...

HORSE WHINNIES

Oh! BLEEP...

Has he gone?

What happened? It reared
and mounted that. Don't get kicked.

'Things quickly went to pot.'

This is the doctor,
going to attend to Richard

but the van is stuck.

I've just dismounted
my reversing horse,

and actually genuinely
have hurt my testes.

Oh! I can see why
they should be glue, these things.

'Richard was diagnosed
with a suspected broken wrist

'and went on a four-hour journey
to the nearest hospital.

'So I walked my horse
to the next village to get fuel,

'and then, we found a spot
to camp for the night.'

HE SIGHS

'Here, while I enjoyed the view,

'James unveiled
his sleeping accommodation.

'A mountaineering tent
he could suspend from his crane.'

So I'm going to rest it
against the front of the cab.

Cos all these bitey ants, they don't
get in your tent and eat you.

'It may have been insect-proof...

'..but soundproof? No.'

SNORING

I want to go to bed.

But I can't, with that racket
going on. Listen to it.

SNORING

'The next morning
I discovered that Hammond was back.'

So that's just a sprain?

Yep. Not bust. Nothing exciting.

So what is it you have to do,
basically steering...?

Yeah, be all right.
You just have to...

Yeah. Still do that. Right.

And how was sleeping in your lorry?

Um, not bad. What about yours?
Fine.

Where did James sleep in the end,
what's he done?

Oh, he's got some stupid high-tech
mountaineering tent on his crane.

Why is it up there?

JEREMY LAUGHS

Well... You know his snoring?

Yeah...

Quite loud. So I moved him
a bit further away.

Jesus...

Clarkson!

What? Funny.

Very funny. Yes.
I don't like heights,

I don't like camping...
I don't like snoring.

Anyway, shall we get on?

'After Pinky and Perky
had winched me down,

'we set off on our seventh day
of long-distance lorry driving.'

I'm still staggered that
they put diesel in my truck.

I mean, that's a generous gesture.
Assuming it IS diesel.

Oh, no.

Hammond... What's happened?
I've lost my other stack.

Well, as you know, we're not the
US Marines, we leave a man behind.

Yeah, too hot.

Er, right...

It's covered in ants...
Oh, it's an ants' nest!

That's a mistake. Ow!

Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow!

'This, then, looked like
it was going to be

'another day of calamities
and mishaps.

'But actually, here,
in this part of Burma,

'we had to get properly serious.'

Today is a big day for us,
because we are headed for the Shan.

Top Gear's been to a lot of
remote places over the years

but we've never been anywhere
quite like this.

The Shan is to Burma
what Scotland is to Britain,

it's a part of it,
and yet it's separate.

We know there's been
a civil war in there,

we understand there's
a cease-fire at the moment...

Only a handful of Westerners
have ever been there,

and certainly, no TV show
has ever been allowed in.

We are the first...ever.

All of the people who've been
fighting are coming together tonight

to welcome us
here to the Shan State.

CHEERING

Who's got any whisky? Got any Scotch?

BLEEP second gear failed
and now the engine has BLEEP.

Hammond, you idiot! You've reversed
into the sports lorry!

"Work on the bridge starts at 0500"?
What?

Get in! Get in.

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