Top Gear (2002–…): Season 21, Episode 3 - Episode #21.3 - full transcript

Tonight, I eat a cabbage,

James throws a bird out of a car

and Richard forgets
the abbreviation for America.

USB.

CHEERING

Hello, everybody! Good evening.
Thank you so much.

Thank you, everybody. Now,

I want to start by talking
about Denmark because, you see,

over the years, this tiny little
country has contributed

so much to the
betterment of mankind.

It's given us interesting furniture,
stylish hi-fi,



amusing children's toys
and, of course, this.

Danish bacon, Danish butter,
wrapped in bread,

to create the only known cure

for vegetarianism.

LAUGHTER

Denmark, however,
has never made a car...until now.

Because Denmark has
more windmills per head

than any other country on Earth

and because Copenhagen
is a cyclist's paradise,

you know exactly what
sort of car it's going to be.

Yeah, well, it isn't.

I was also expecting Hans Christian
Andersen with windscreen wipers

or The Little Mermaid
with door handles, but no.

What we've got instead is this.



A 1,086 horsepower orange monster!

It's called the Zenvo ST1
and it is extremely fast.

It's got a 6.8 litre V8...

..which is supercharged
AND turbocharged.

And that's like smearing
a habanero chilli with wasabi

and then garnishing it
with dynamite.

The net result is
a speedometer that can't keep up.

It's just a blur.
138, 150, 170-something...

My God! No, no idea!

Apparently, however, flat out,
it will do 233mph.

You know those Scandinavian
crime dramas,

lots of quietly thoughtful people in
jumpers looking out of the window?

This is nothing like that.
Nothing at all.

So, it is very definitely
a supercar.

And that's a problem

because who's going to say,
"No, I don't want a Ferrari

"or a Lamborghini
or a Pagani or a Bugatti

"or a Porsche or an Audi R8
or a McLaren or an Aston Martin

"I would rather spend my money
on something totally unproven,

"preferably from a company
I've never heard of?"

I mean, why would you do that?

It's not like the engine is
made from the tears of an angel

by the gods of science
and precision.

What's more,
it has conventional suspension

and a heavy, steel chassis.

However, because it's
a bit last-week, you can

have some old-fashioned
fun in the corners.

Oh-ho-ho!

'But you can also have an accident.'

Part of the problem is that
if you engage sport or race mode,

the traction control is disengaged.

Now, this, according to
the - oops - chief engineer,

makes it pretty much undrivable

He's right.

He is right.

There were also some issues
with quality.

The lights filled with condensation,

the rear brakes didn't seem to be
working properly,

then the clutch went.

So the car had to go
back to Denmark.

After a couple of weeks,
however, it was mended,

so the Zenvo came back.

But almost immediately...

a cooling fan went wrong.

Fire, fire, fire! Copy that.

So the car became even more orange.

And that was the end of that.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

That didn't do very well.

How much is this thing?
How much? Mm.

?800,000. 800?!

LAUGHTER

Yes. Are there any upsides to it?
Er, upsides, yes.

The fire did get rid of
the condensation in the lights.

LAUGHTER

Apart from the fire?
Apart from the fire...

Yes, it's surprisingly comfortable
and very quiet.

Well, it would be quiet.
It was broken.

Yes, but amazingly, they have
mended it again and it's back again.

And now we can find out how fast
it does a lap of our track,

or rather IF it can do
a lap of our track.

That, of course, means handing it
over to our tame racing driver

Some say that this week
he is wearing two layers of Nomex.

SLOW-BUILDING LAUGHTER

And that on a recent trip
to Cornwall,

he stopped off for one of his
special big wees in Somerset.

LAUGHTER

All we know is he's called The Stig!

CHEERING

And he's off!

Cautious start because
it is soaking out there today.

Be beautiful, though, if it catches
fire. Right, first corner.

Will it try to bite him?
Nothing so far.

Oh, no, wait, there is
a bit of a nibble at the end.

DISCORDANT, DIRGE-LIKE
SINGING ON STEREO

Absolutely no idea what
The Stig is listening to.

I do know, however, he is in full
race mode. No traction control

He is being cautious, though.

Right, through the Hammerhead.

Oh, no, it's stepped out again,
but he has managed to hold it.

God, that is very good driving!

DISCORDANT, DIRGE-LIKE
SINGING ON STEREO

Right, is he going to lift?

Oh, yes, he is going to lift

because that thing is as racy
as the Danish Prime Minister.

Through the tyres.

Only two corners left.

You can actually see it squirming on
the lake where our track used to be.

Only Gambon left before he can have
a lie down. Is he going to make it?

Is IT going to make it?

Yes, it has!

CHEERING

Now...

I have the time here.

Remember, it is an ?800,000
1,000 horsepower car, so here we go.

AUDIENCE: Ohhh...

No, it's a bit lower. Really?

AUDIENCE: Ohhh...

Oh-ho!

There you go, it's 1.29.9,

slower than a Ford Focus.

LAUGHTER

No, no, hang on a minute.
I'm sorry. Hang on a minute.

Let's be fair about it. We need to
look at another time for a wet lap.

There you go. It's slower than
a German saloon car. It is!

You know this is Danish and it s
orange and it's genetically flawed?

I'm surprised they haven't
called The Giraffe...

LAUGHTER
..and shot it.

GROANS AND LAUGHTER

He said that out loud,
didn't he? He did.

He said it out loud.

Never mind,
let's move on with the news

and, well,
my big news this week, certainly

is I spent last weekend
driving the new Porsche 980.

Oh, you did! It'll be on the show
later in the series. There it is.

Come on, quick, quick, now,
sneak preview. What is it like?

Well, Jennifer...

LAUGHTER

Funny(!)

Yeah, if you were watching last week,
Jeremy did say on the show,

on TV, that if the Porsche
was faster than the McLaren,

he would change his name to Jennifer.
Yes.

Didn't you, Jennifer? Well, it won't
be. See, I think it might just be.

Honestly, it... It's staggering
Really.

It doesn't accelerate
like most other cars.

You are not conscious of it

gaining speed through the gear
as the revs rise.

It doesn't go, "Ohhh-aaahhh!"

It just goes straight to, "Aaaaargh!"

But, Hammond... What?

..the McLaren has more power
than the Porsche

and is lighter than the Porsche
I know.

But listen, Jennifer,
the Porsche has four-wheel-drive

and four-wheel steer
and on our track...

It will lose.

Listen, I'm sure the Luftwaffe
were very proud

and pleased with
the Messerschmitt Me 109.

That was a damn good aeroplane.
Yes, but it wasn't...

It wasn't as good as the Spitfire!

No, you could do negative G
in the Messerschmitt 109.

May, you are as bad as he is!
That is going to be humiliated.

We are going to win. When I say we,
Britain is going to...

I'm all for patriotism,
that's great,

but you've just got to face facts.
The thing is astonishing.

It's about how it manages those three
engines... Shut up about it!

LAUGHTER
I'm with you about
the British thing,

but I sort of hope
the Porsche wins, JENNIFER.

LAUGHTER

The news has been
filled with a lot of scenes

of flood victims
all waving their arms around

and going, "Oh, no,
what are we going to do?"

End of the world really.

I mean, it certainly makes me
very sad because the answer,

as we all know, is simple.

You buy a Ford transit van,
cut a big hole in the floor,

take the back doors off, couple
of engines in it, fans, skirts,

put it in the water, it sinks.
That's true.

You get another transit van,
more powerful engines,

totally redesigned. Here we go.

LAUGHTER

And it works perfectly.
That IS the solution.

We predicted these floods six months
ago and came up with the solution.

But what is really annoying
is that everybody

is blaming the floods on David
Cameron, the Environment Agency

pretty much anything you can name...

Mm-mm, I know exactly
who is to blame

for this problem
everybody is having.

Miranda Hart.

LAUGHTER

You laugh, but here's the thing

We are sitting here
now on a Sunday evening.

Eight, nine million people
in Britain have chosen to watch

some 1950s midwifery
on the other side,

so they don't know
about the hover-van.

That is the problem.

They have chosen Miranda over us
and our show is

rammed full of helpful hints and
useful consumer advice. Every week!

LAUGHTER

Now, hey, listen, how long has
the Gallardo been in production

17,000 years? Just over? Just over.

I know there are cave drawings of
it in the Pyrenees. There are.

Well, Lamborghini has announced
they are stopping making it

and are going to replace it with
this. It's called the Huracan.

600 horsepower, 5.2 litre V10,
four-wheel-drive.

None of that is interesting

because if you're interested in
speed and power and handling,

you're going to buy a Ferrari 4 8
or a McLaren 12C, aren't you?

The only reason you want to buy a
Lamborghini is because it looks mad.

And that's very nice, but I don t
think it's bonkers enough.

I know what you mean.
It looks nice, but...

Yeah, it needs to be outrageous
It does.

Nobody should be allowed
to design a Lamborghini

unless they've just consumed
two bottles of absinthe.

LAUGHTER
Now you're ready!

The essence of it is,

it doesn't really matter
how a Lamborghini drives

because a Lamborghini
is for prowling around the city

Ferraris are for doing
a 2.35 around Silverstone.

Lamborghinis are for doing
Knightsbridge at 2.35am.

Yes, yes.
LAUGHTER

Now, there's a new type of gas
which is worrying the government.

Is it cyanide? No.
Is it carbon dioxide?

No, it used to be carbon dioxide.
Now the days where...

I can hardly bring myself
to say this.

They are very worried
about a terrifying new combination

of nitrogen and oxygen.
What, you mean air? Yes.

99% of the air that we breathe
is nitrogen and oxygen,

but the government has got
his knickers in a twist about it,

specifically about nitrogen dioxide
and I've done some checking.

Bear with me on this.

It mostly comes from
soil or stoves

or particularly from lorries
in stop-start city driving, OK?

So the government has decided to
address the problem

by limiting cars to 60mph on the M1
just outside Sheffield.

That's their solution.
But that's got nothing to do with it!

Isn't that like saying,
"I've got toothache,

"I think I'll go and have
a hair cut. That will sort it."

"Doctor, I've twisted my ankle.
"You must put on a bomber jacket "

The thing is, they actually say
"Well, it's as European law,

"so we have to lower
the speed limit."

Germans aren't, French aren't,
Italians aren't, only we are.

And I know exactly
what's happened here.

You've got some guy
in the government, you know...

LAUGHTER

You know the type. Oh, yes, right.

OK, now, he has the power
to lower the speed limit

and stop parents eating sandwiches
in cars if kids are present,

but what he needs to do is take
a leaf out of the Queen's book.

What, marry a Greek? No!
LAUGHTER

The Queen has
the constitutional power

to declare war on another country,

but she never does.

Even after a big party
where she's a bit...

and all her mates
are egging her on.

"Go on, Liz! Declare war on
someone!" Can she really do that?

Yes, she can do that, but she
doesn't. "Hello is that Mr Hollande?

"This is the Queen. WE ARE AT WAR!"
I'd do that every week!

She could do that. I'd be
constant... I'd do it every...

"Oh, God, what have I done?"

Yeah, I would love to be
a drunk Queen!

LAUGHTER

I didn't mean...

Shall we move it on? Yes. Yes.

Every week, we receive thousands
of letters from people that say

"Dear Top so-called Gear,
why do you never test the sort of

"affordable cars that normal
people are likely to buy and drive?"

Well, the truth is, we would love
to. But the producers won't let us.

It's frustrating,
because contrary to public opinion,

we really do like small,
sensible little cars.

I mean, he has a Fiat Panda.
I have a Fiat 500.

Yeah, and I have a very small
AMG Mercedes.

LAUGHTER

Very small indeed.

We like the way that small cars
are easy to park and cheap to run,

but, most of all,
we like the way that a lot of them

are very good fun to drive.

But the producers say they aren t,
they say they're boring.

And to prove their point,
they came up with a challenge.

Yes, they told us to choose three
one-litre, three-cylinder,

little city cars and report
with them to the Crimean peninsula.

So, here it is,
at the bottom end of Ukraine,

jutting out into the Black Sea.

The Crimean peninsula, 10,000 square
miles of history, beetroot

and girls who leave the West behind.

And this is where we were to meet,
the city of Yalta.

Outside the very building
where Churchill, Stalin

and Roosevelt met to carve up Europe
after Hitler's defeat.

Hammond was the first to arrive

I have brought,
as you can see, a Fiesta.

Which is a very, very good
small car in any case,

but in this instance,
particularly good,

because this one is fitted with
an absolute jewel of an engine.

It's a tiny, one-litre,
three-cylinder EcoBoost,

and when I say tiny,
I mean REALLY tiny.

The block of that engine
would fit on an A4 piece of paper.

And it's magnificent.
Right, who's that?

Oh, it's the orang-utan. Here we go.

Congratulations. What, why?

Because that is unquestionably
the best one-litre little car

of them all. No doubt about it.
The engine in this... Yeah.

It is phenomenal. 125 horsepower,
from one litre. I know!

And 65 miles to the gallon.
Honestly...

Why are you saying these things
and why, then, are you not in one?

Why are you in that VW? It's the Up!

Well, I brought this because
I like it. Hang on, you've just ..

No, I like it. This is brilliant.
But I like this.

Let me put it to you this way.

You can buy better dogs
than my West Highland terrier,

but I LIKE my West Highland terrier.

Yes, it bites the postman
and it lays dog eggs all over

the kitchen and it steals food
but it's brilliant! And it goes ..

If this had ears,
it would go like that...

'Sadly, at this point,
my dog impersonation was

'interrupted by the arrival
of Captain Interesting.'

That's the most boring looking car
I've... What is it? I'm nodding off!

Good news! What? It's
a Dacia Sandero. Is it? Yes.

Anyway, we were just
saying before you got here,

this is just an epic little car

It's quite expensive, though,
isn't it? How much is it? 17,50 .

?17,500? Yup.
And how much is yours? 7,500.

That's a big price gulf,
Hammond. It is...

I can afford to lose this
and just go and buy another one

and I'm still better off than you.
Look at it! It's... It looks great.

It's anti-fashion, it's a car for
people with more sense than money.

It works, it's cheap. Wow,
how have they done it so cheaply ?)

You can't work it out, can you?
There is no obvious...
It's amazing(!)

That steering wheel,
what a quality item(!)

That's exactly the same as yours! It
isn't the same! It's the same SHAPE.

And correct me if I'm wrong,
it was a Renault Clio 30 years ago.

Not 30 years ago.

It's BASED on the underpinnings and
mechanicals of the old Renault Clio.

An old car. Basically, I've brought
an iPod to a gramophone convention.

Utter rubbish! Look at it!

'Our argument was then interrupted
by the arrival of a challenge.

They still don't believe that
we like small cars. But we do!

I love my Fiesta. Right.

"Between Yalta and Sevastopol,
there is an excellent coast road,

"which you would enjoy very much
in a normal car.

"But you will not be able
to enjoy it

"in your miserable little
shopping carts"?!

Hello!

You can't get away from the fact
the Fiesta, in any guise,

is a brilliant little car.

The chassis is so sorted out!

I've driven the ST version,
the hot one, and it is simply superb.

What's incredible is that they
haven't lost any of that liveliness,

that excitement, that thrill, by
fitting it with a tiny, tiny engine.

It's like driving a cartoon!

BRAKES SQUEAL

Squealing!

Bit of turbo boost,
bit of traction control wise.

That means I'm having fun
and I'm on the ragged edge.

Hee-hee!

Unlike the Ford and the Dacia,
the Up! doesn't have a turbocharger.

But even so, it still feels like
a determined spur.

I'm going to get there first!
Yes, I am, get out of my way!

Woo-ha-ha!

And stick it into the bend...

I mean, if I were in even a Ferrari
on this road, I'd be thinking

"Oh, no, I'm going
to scrape my nose!

"How much power do I need here
and how much braking?" And I don't

have to worry about any of that,
because the Up! has no power at all.

You just put your foot hard down
and leave it there!

Much to the annoyance
of the producers,

we have loved our drive
on the wiggly road.

But we loved what we found
at the other end of it even more.

A disused Soviet submarine base

Now, ordinarily, we would have
to park in the car park there.

But because our cars are so little,
we won't.

This is remarkable.

James Bond could not have
got in here!

Because of course,
his Aston Martin is too large.

Good God!

Look at that!

In the event of a nuclear war,

they could get 14 submarines
in here, and 3,000 people.

It's under a mountain!

Yeah, it is your actual
under-a-mountain submarine base

It's full-on Bond.

How much energy and effort
was expended by MI6

and the CIA trying to find out
the details of this place?

And here I am, driving through it!

Sadly, we spent so long
driving around the sub pen...

..that night was falling
by the time we reached

the busy city of Sevastopol.

And here, the Up!'s lack of oomph
was a bit of an issue.

Oh, I'm being squeezed!

I've lost it.
Being strashed by a Lada 2107!

However, because the VW
is smaller than the Ford

and the Dacia, I didn't have to park
miles and miles from the hotel.

Is that legal? No.
Where does it say "no parking"?

But it doesn't say "no parking"
in a lot of places where it's

obviously not quite right to park.

To be fair,
it doesn't say "no murdering" either.

The next morning,
we continued our journey through

a region where the hills were once
soaked with British blood.

The Crimean War may have been
unfathomable,

nobody really knew why it started,
but the legacy is enormous.

It gave us important words
like balaclava and cardigan.

It gave us Florence Nightingale

the world's first war photographer,
the world's first war reporter.

The Victoria Cross was first awarded
to soldiers who fought here

And even today,
the medal is made from metal

taken from a Russian gun
that was captured here.

Then, of course, there's
the best-known legacy of them all.

How's it go?

"Theirs not to make reply,
Theirs not to reason why,

"Theirs but to do and die."

"Into the valley of death rode
the 600." And that is the valley.

That is where the Charge of the
Light Brigade actually happened

It was a misunderstood order.

Yeah, they were supposed to go
up there somewhere.

They were supposed to
snout around in the hills,
looking for the Russians,

misunderstood it, came charging
over here armed with sabres,
against the entire Russian

artillery here, all of it was there,
pointing straight at them.

And they were on horses with sabres.

How could that possibly end?

Oh, God!

Choose your moments!
Exactly. Exactly.

"Ukraine is the second largest
country in Europe, and now you will

"drive all the way across it,

"from here in the far south to
the Belarus border in the north

"It will be worse than those
long journeys you did

"as a kid in the back of
a family car to the seaside.

"It will be the journey from hell."

How can it be worse than those
journeys? I was a kid then!

I was in the back of
a Mark I Cortina.

I was in the back
of an Austin 1100.

Anglia, with a hole in the floor
How far is it? It doesn't...

How far is it? It's 750 miles.

750 miles? What, in a Volkswagen
Up!? That's easy. Piece of ca..

In these three cars - light cars -

we shall be the modern-day
Charge of the Light Brigade.

Very good.

Still feeling slightly baffled,
we set off.

Well, I think the producers have
gone a bit soft, to be honest.

It's just not in any way difficult,
challenging... It's just...

It's easy!

APPLAUSE

750 miles!

It turned out not to be easy at all.

Yes, in the second
part of that film,

which we'll show you later on,
I was actually killed.

Yeah, he really was.

So, that's something for us
all to look forward to.

Yes, thank you, Hammond.

But in the meantime, we must put
a Star in our Reasonably Priced Car.

Now, my guest tonight is the only
British musician who can

drive a tank, fire a mortar
and strip an assault rifle.

Apart from Posh Spice, obviously.

Ladies and gentlemen, James Blunt!

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

How you doing, big man?
How are you? I'm well.

Hi there. How are you doing? Hi
Hello. He's here. Have a seat.

All right. Many whistlings!

First of all, congratulations
on your forthcoming marriage.

I'm getting married? BLEEP!

You're getting married to the girl
standing behind you. Fantastic

Just in case you'd forgotten.
No, there she is, look.

LAUGHTER
What's your name? Aah!

That's the ticket. OK, great.
So, when are you getting married?

September.

I'm just thinking, I know there s
lots of girls here and they'll

want me to ask lots of questions
about it, but I can't think of any.

Shall we talk about the Army?
Let's talk about the Army.

The Army's better. We've got
to do the Army, it's easier.

Now, we know you were in the Army,
of course, that is well documented.

But I think what a lot of people
don't know is that you actually

single-handedly,
when you were in Kosovo,

stopped World War III
from happening.

I'm glad you brought this up. Yeah.
Because it's time the nation knew.

Actually, it was genuinely
the most incredible day of my life.

Other than my forthcoming marriage.

And, er... It was...

You know, having bombed the crap
out of the Serbs,

we signed a peace accord
and we pushed up to Pristina,

the capital, and I was remarkably
put as truly the first officer

to lead 30,000 people up there,

and when we got to the airport
in Pristina, General Wesley Clark

told us to just overrun

and overpower the 200 Russians
who had beaten us to the airport

The American general?

Yeah, and we asked several times -
that one thing means destroy them?

Which seemed a pretty stupid thing
to do. He said destroy...

He said overrun and overpower,
definitely using some political
manoeuvring in his wording.

And after, you know,
five minutes of arguing,

a very special man called
General Mike Jackson,

an incredible character
who I would follow anywhere,

came up on the radio and said,

"This is ridiculous,
I'm not having my soldiers being

"responsible for starting
World War III,

"let's push off somewhere else.

And when the Russians
had run out of food and water,

they came back and asked us for food
and water and we said,
"Sure, if you share the airport "

That was an order from an American
to a British captain to...

And he later then ran
for president in America. I know

Let's move on to music.
We've covered the army.

You saved the world from
World War III, which is good.

Your new album is called
Moon Landing.

Moon Landing, which I only
discovered after the event

that "moon landing" is actually
in the Urban Dictionary

as a term in the gym when two men
are changing and they bend over

and their bottoms touch accidentally.
So, yeah...

There's a single called
Heart To Heart, isn't there? Yes.

Now, forgive me for saying this
my daughter,

she said to me a couple of days ago,
"I was going to tweet James

"to say how much I love that song,"
but she said, "I was so worried

"that his tweet reply would rip me
apart that I haven't dared do it."

I wouldn't abuse her,
if she's nice.

What have you just won on Twitter?

It's something, the best
twitterer... Best Comebacks.

The Best Comebacks, from the chap
over there with windswept hair

I've actually got a few
of your ones here.

Don't they take a long time
to think of?

I would say I'm spontaneous with it,
but I might be lying.

Somebody said here, "Why have you
only got 200,000 followers?"

And you replied,
"Jesus only needed 12."

APPLAUSE

You've got to admit...
they are properly very funny.

"James Blunt has an annoying face
and a highly irritating voice.

You went, "Yes, and no mortgage "

Do you mind if I show them
my absolute favourite? Go for it.

The rather sarky,
"Whatever happened to James Blunt?"

And this was the picture you posted.

What I love about you is the way
that somebody is abusive to you

and you just take it on the chin and
are fine. I sob uncontrollably.

I mean, people take Twitter
far too seriously.

It's just,
there's a real world out there,

and people seem to think
that Twitter is important.

It's just people opinions,
and opinions are like arseholes

Everyone has one. Yeah. Cars.

When you were last here, I think

the only car you'd ever driven
at the time was a Lada.

Yeah, I was really embarrassed about
that, and I've tried to upgrade.

I had a Lada Riva 1.3SL, for "slow".

Because now, obviously,
things have moved on dramatically.

You've got a tuk-tuk.

I have a tuk-tuk from Bangkok,
which is awesome, three-wheeled

vehicle, does 70mph, and I drive it
around home in Ibiza.

It does 70?

70mph, and if you get all your mates
in the back,

you can wheelie as well, at 70mph.

Actually, my best friend is a
chap called Nin, he's Indian,

and he insists on driving to make it
look more authentic.

LAUGHTER

Yeah.

When you're in London, I gather
you've now got a bicycle. Yeah.

Why do you have a bicycle?
It's much, much faster
and it's good exercise.

You can lose a paunch with a bicycle.

I've got a bicycle, and look what
it's done to me. Literally.

You're not supposed to eat it.

Yeah...

Now, you recently had an altercation
with a paparazzi photographer,

I believe, in the United States

Yeah, paps are quite aggressive
and yes,

I was coming out of a party
and I was with someone who

was in the public eye as well,
and they shout. Paps don't want

an ordinary picture,
they want an aggressive picture

and they're all banging
on the window,

and one of them fell in front of the
car, and what are you supposed to do?

He's fallen down and I wouldn't want
to incriminate myself by saying

that I hadn't spotted him and touched
the throttle and went gently over.

That would be the wrong thing to do.
But... But we did go over him

Did you actually feel the dum-dum?
Yes.

Something strangely
satisfying about it.

And in the meantime, the police
and the ambulance did arrive,

but before they arrived, he got up
and took pictures of more people

They even had some film footage
from another paparazzi of him

rubbing his leg, saying,
"Make it redder, make it redder,

and when the police arrived, he said,
"Poor me, I've been run over.

But it was a very small hire car
and I think it was fine.

It wasn't a large American Cadillac?
No. Get one of those next time.

Anyway, the lap,
how was it out there today?

I think as I was driving down today,
they said today was the first

day of the year the Met Office has
issued a red weather warning -

do not leave home unless you
specifically have to,

and I've been doing laps.

The thing is, as you know,
everybody who comes down here

goes off at the second to last
corner, that's a given, really,

but I heard that James went off
on the Follow Through.

And I followed through
at the time as well!

That's why it's called
the Follow Through,

because that's a 100mph corner,

and you have that building in front
of you, and if things start to

go wrong through there,
it's actually a slightly
buttock-clenching...

Very much. And some of your camera
crew are lucky to be alive. Yeah

Would anybody like to see this
moment when one of our guests

actually went off on
the Follow Through? AUDIENCE: Yes.

Let's have a look at this.
Here we go.

That is absolutely soaking.

That's properly fast, and you keep
your foot in it until, look at this!

What I love about that is
you did not apply the brakes

until you were an inch
from the edge of the track.

Everyone says you're not allowed
to lift off and so I tried not to.

We're talking big cojones there

It's actually because I couldn't see
through the windscreen.

I didn't know I was coming off.

It started to get bumpy and green -
"This has definitely gone wrong."

Anyway, eventually,
we did get a lap together.
Yeah. Who'd like to see it?

Yeah! Here we go.

See, I think this is
the Blitz spirit.

Come on, then! BLEEP!

It's like a BLEEP lake out here

Yeah, nobody's complaining
about the Environment Agency,

you're going in there, "Why don t
you come and clear it up?"

That is so wet!

Stayed on the track nicely.

It's like ice skating.

Not that I ice skate very often

You really should have borrowed
Richard Hammond's booster cushion.

I needed Moses to part the sea.
There's a private jet over there

That could get me home!
Ibiza, right.

Hammerhead, probably couldn't even
see the lines,

so that's pretty impressive.

Here we go, right, coming up to
the Follow Through again. So slow.

Up to 6,000. And again,
I can't see a BLEEP thing.

This is, I really admire you
for doing this.

A touch of the brakes, and I can't
say I blame you. Through the tyres.

No whingeing, no complaining.
And, yeah, going to make that one.

Not bad at all, actually.
And it's blowing a gale.

Whoa! It's the Jimmy Carr line!
There we are. Across the line.

That is really, properly...
I've never seen it like that.

Yeah, it was fascinating,
because last time

I came down it was wet as well, and
basically, whenever you have me on,

unsurprisingly, it is the wettest,
James Blunt is the wettest lap.

We have had two previous wet laps
in the last couple of weeks.

Hugh Bonneville at 1.50.1,
Tom Hiddleston last week at 1.4 .9,

so bearing in mind, he was very wet,
but nothing like...

Not nearly as wet as me. So come on,
where do you think you come?

I really hope I haven't
humiliated myself too much.

No, you haven't humiliated yourself,

because you went out there, which is
brave enough, and you drove around

in it, which is very marvellous
and you looked determined.

Like one of those schools
where everyone's a winner.

So there we are, fastest lap so far,
1.49.9. You did...

1...

49...

4.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

I have to say... That is the fastest
wet lap. You are above Ron Howard.

And just under Joss Stone.
I'm always under some... Anyway

Feel the eyes in the back of my head.
Yes. I can see them.

You're between
Joss Stone and Ron Howard.
That's a very odd place to be.

That was quite something.
It really was. Thank you.

Ladies and gentlemen, James Blunt!

Thank you.

Now, tonight we are trying to prove
that we really do like small cars,

and our producers are trying
to prove that they're rubbish.

Yes, so, they told us to drive
our three one-litre hatchbacks

all the way across Ukraine,

a trip they said would be
the journey from hell.

Why do they think this is going
to be the journey from hell?

Driving across the Ukraine.

We've only been here 24 hours,
we've been through the Cold War

the Second World War, the Crimean
War. It's going to be tremendous.

And I'm in my Up!

In the not too distant past,
little cars like ours

were very spartan, but these days,
if you choose your car wisely

you get loads of stuff to play with.

Right, Hammond, have you got your
air conditioning set just so?

I have, yes, I've set it
just half a degree lower

than would be too comfortable.

This heated seat, I think,
just to the first position.

USB.

AUTOMATED FEMALE VOICE:
'USB iPod.'

Bluetoothed my iPod
into the stereo system.

Heated windscreen, let me try that.

Cruise control. Haven't done that.

Yep, a mirror on that side.

Eventually, though, even Hammond and
I ran out of things to play with,

so we turned our attention
to the Ukrainian scenery.

A hill or two wouldn't go amiss

Right, I admit it, this is boring.

Do you think
we're halfway there yet?

We needed to find out.

So, as we couldn't understand
the writing on our sat-nav systems,

we pulled over to consult a map

We came from down here, yes?

And we've got to go
all the way there.

We've just gone through a town
called Pravda.

We can't be further back than that.

Maybe it's in...
Can't be there. We've done that

Oh, Christ, oh no! It's there. Don't
be daft! It is! We're only here!

We've only done that. We've only
driven over the Isle of Wight.

We've got to come here? How come ..
We've only got there?!

And that's good news. Is it? How is
that good news? It's good news.

Really? Yes.

Instead of just sitting and,
"I'm bored,"

why don't we make ourselves more
rounded human beings on the journey?

So while we're in the car
we learn to do some thing?

Exactly! We could sit there going,
"I'm bored, I'm bored,
I wish I wasn't doing this,"

or we can simply say, "No, we shall
use this time constructively.

We will arrive in Belarus
more intelligent

and more rounded than we are now.

Back on the road,
the self-improvement began.

'Hello and welcome to
Teach Yourself Ukrainian. Unit one.

'Hello, what's your name?'

"You will learn to play blues
harp quickly

"and easily by just listening
to the CD." Ooh, I've got a CD!

"And following the book."

Viewers, you will notice
I'm wearing my magic hat

and that there is
a playing card in it.

'Karus again invites Stephen
to his home to discuss

'some business questions.'

MAN SPEAKS IN UKRAINIAN
AND JEREMY REPEATS

So that goes in there.

BLUES HARMONICA PLAYS

Well...

In the mobile language lab,
things were going well.

JEREMY SPEAKS IN UKRAINIAN
Underwear.

And soon I felt confident enough
to get us

something to eat at a roadside cafe.

FLIES BUZZ

JEREMY SPEAKS IN UKRAINIAN

What are you saying? I'm trying to
find some food that isn't fish.

Oh, thank you.

JEREMY SPEAKS IN UKRAINIAN

You seem to have ordered some wood.

Jeremy then asked for some apples.

Well, we've eaten. Shall we go?

The next morning, after breakfast
had been cleared away..

What?!

..I used my new Ukrainian skills
to check the sat-nav.

Oh, Jesus. To get to Kiev,
13 hours and 49 minutes.

HE GROANS

We were in a state of despair, but
then, out of the fog loomed a man.

And behind him, this.

An abandoned nuclear missile base.

This is the silo, is it?
That's a silo. It's ever so big

Hammond, this is an SS18, nicknamed
the Satan, targeted Ross-on-Wye.

Was it? That's what that says.
Hang on a minute, though.

It says "alternative target
Chipsky Norton" there.

LIGHTER CLICKS

I think it must be damp!

THEY LAUGH

Many people complain about having
to do a long drive, but on this one,

we really had hit on a brilliant way
of making the time fly by.

HE PLAYS A FEW MOURNFUL NOTES

Ha ha! Viewers, my hands empty,

nothing at all in them.
Now, can I...

HE HUMS

MAN SPEAKS IN UKRAINIAN
AND JEREMY REPEATS

'Unit three. Stephen, do you have
a family?' There's Stephen again.

Everybody's called Stephen here,
that's the one thing I have learned.

Oh, God. My doves have escaped.

My doves have got out. What doves?

What do you mean, got out?
My doves from my magic box.

They're all over the back.
They've crapped everywhere.

Upset by the mess,
OCD May ejected the culprit.

HORN HONKS LOUDLY

Oh, my God, there's a lorry...
That is an ex-dove.

Yeah, now, you see,
the truck that hit your dove, James,

how good are you at magic?
Seriously, did it not fly away?

You're not going to do
children's parties, are you,

because you're going to have
to change your act if you are.

"So, Sally, is this
the family parrot?

"Just watch what happens

"when I throw it out of
the window of a moving vehicle.

Putting this tragic
incident behind us

we ploughed on, and by nightfall had
reached Ukraine's capital, Kiev.

Jeremy checked us into the hotel

JEREMY SPEAKS IN UKRAINIAN

Yeah.

Did you just say yes
to stop him talking?

And in the bar, James did another
trick that went wrong.

Ta-da!

I'm afraid not. You can't change
your mind about the card you chose.

That was the card you chose.
You can't tell me what card I chose.

But I know you chose that
because I read your mind.

Magicians are supposed to exercise a
degree of finesse, not just bullying.

No, it's still not.
It is! That's what you chose!

The following morning,

we were warned there was a mob on
the streets of Kiev, and there was.

Thank you for coming,
thank you so much.

So, to get a bit of peace and quiet,

we were told to report to
the country's only racetrack...

..for what, chillingly,
was called the final challenge.

"Your cars will each be given
exactly 23 litres of fuel,

"which, because
they're so economical,

"should easily be enough for them to
cover the 100 or so miles

"to your destination, a town
near the border with Belarus."

Hang on, 23 litres? To do 100 miles?
That's not really a challenge, is it?

That's easy! "Your challenge is to
run out before you get there." Eh?

"This is something you
will want to do,

"as the town in question
is called...

"..Chernobyl."

Can we actually...
We can't go there, can we?

Chernobyl was the scene of
the world's worst nuclear accident.

When reactor number four
exploded in 1986,

it released a radioactive cloud
so devastating that the entire area

will remain uninhabitable
for 20,000 years.

And unless we could make our cars
do less than 20 miles to the gallon,

this is where we'd end up.

Ford claim mine does 65mpg.

All the way here, this has done 60
miles to the gallon, give or take.

Yes. How would you make these cars
do 20 miles to the gallon?

I can't imagine getting it under 30.

After the producers had put
precisely 23 litres of fuel

in each tank, we did some
preparations of our own.

Right.

Clever, this.

What I'm going to do is let
about 30% of the pressure
out of the tyres.

The point is,
it increases rolling resistance

which means I use more fuel.

That is one heavy Up!

What are you doing?

I'm sealing all the gaps so that
radioactive dust can't get in.

What you've done there, Hammond
is made it more aerodynamic.

I have, haven't I? You have. Goodbye.

To get through this much petrol
in less than 100 miles,

we would have to drive like maniacs.

Three, two, one.

ENGINES REV FURIOUSLY

Come on! Build up the revs!

Second gear. Right to the limiter.
God, that's wasteful.

James and I decided to go for
a low-gear policy of maximum revs.

Hammond, on the other hand...

If I keep doing this all the way
there, I'll go further.

It will be twice the distance. This
is the answer. Lock to lock. Ooh!

TRUCK HORN BEEPS

That's where I'm going
to have to be careful,

when there's traffic
coming the other way.

I've just realised!

I'm driving without the lights on.

I'm driving with
the eco-engine system...

Heated rear window, I want that on.
Heated seats, yes.

That's better.

Probably people think
this is a bit odd,

but if they knew why I was doing it,
they would understand.

I can't believe
they're making us do this,

because it's not like the
radioactivity has gone. It hasn t.

It has a half-life, material that's
left, of 245,000 years.

And James May, obviously,
can explain what a half-life is

In fact, he probably is doing.

A half-life is actually constant.
A piece of uranium

will have a half-life
and when that half-life is passed,

the remaining bit
still has the same half-life.

I think the word was coined
by Marie Curie.

The early 20th century was the time

when radioactivity was identified
and discovered...

After 25 miles of red-line motoring,

the news from the Up!
still wasn't good.

I've managed to average
23 miles to the gallon.

I've got to get that down.
How do I get that down?

Right, the drag is now
dramatically worsened.

Meanwhile...

I am feeling a bit sick now,
if I'm honest.

Oh, is that a police car? Oh, dear.

There's the horrible evidence.

At a quarter distance, 25.5 miles,

I should have lost one of those
four bars that I started with.

But it's not happening.

Come on, petrol! Sod off.

OK, we've been pulled by the police.

They were wondering
why I was zigzagging.

They're talking to
the camera car in front.

Meanwhile, I'm sitting here
at max RPM to try and use some fuel

while I'm stationary.

Whilst Hammond was deafening
the police,

I pulled over to disable
my engine management system.

How about that!

Engine warning light.
Yes. That's what we want.

What the engine has to do now
is assume a sort of
worst-case scenario,

because it doesn't know
anything about itself,

so it will assume it's very cold,
the fuel quality is bad,

so it must be less efficient.

30 miles from Chernobyl,
all our cars were still running

and we were trying every trick in
the book to make them conk out

Look at that for drag now!

Brake. Then accelerate.

Then brake. Accelerate.

Still got three bars! Come on!

There it is! 17.8mpg.
My fuel light has come on! Oh, yeah.

I'm doing 21 miles to the gallon.
I'm not doing well enough!

Everything's on empty.
The needle, on empty.

Come on, run out. Run out.

It's one degree out there.
Nipples are sticking out badly.

Ah! I believe this is
Richard Hammond.

This thing should not be moving

I'm going! I'm going! I am going!
Don't tell me you've run out. Yes!

Yes! Ha ha! Oh, bliss! It's gone

I don't believe you. It...

ENGINE SHUDDERS

I don't believe you. Sit rep.

Richard Hammond is a BLEEP.

Go on. Go and meet your fate.

The un-turbo-charged Up! continued
onwards. And then...

Oh, wait a minute. What do we have
here? Some kind of checkpoint

The barrier marked the start of
the 30km exclusion zone,

and now I'd have to go through it.
So would James.

But who would film
what happened afterwards?

Three main cameramen. Yeah.

They're getting in a taxi
and going back to Kiev. What?

Thare's snmethinf like 07 tonnds