Top Gear (2002–…): Season 20, Episode 6 - Episode #20.6 - full transcript

Tonight, I point at some fields,

Richard minces round a corner,

and James describes
his ideal night in.

Vomit and sputum,
and other bodily secretions.

Hello, good evening.
Thank you so much. Thank you.

Thank you. Now, we begin,

we begin with the Range Rover Sport.

After eight years,
it's gone out of production.

They are not going to make any more.

And this is a good thing,

because there's always been
one major problem with it,



as Richard Hammond
shall now explain.

Here we are, then. The soon-to-be
deceased Range Rover Sport.

There are many things
you might object to about this car.

But the biggest problem
has always been very simple.

It's the badge - Range Rover Sport.

First of all, underneath this is
the chassis of a Land Rover Discovery

so it's not a Range Rover,

and because it's the chassis
of a Land Rover Discovery,

it weighs nearly three tonnes.

So it's not sporty either.

Its success hinged on appealing
to people who didn't know that,

or indeed, anything.

Basically, this car was only bought
by two types of people - footballers

and people
who were married to footballers.



And the Sport's
stamping ground is this place.

The Premier League ghetto
of Wilmslow in Cheshire.

Genuine Georgian
electric gates right there.

And there. And there.

Georgian security cameras.

Manicured lawns, very popular
for spit-roast barbecues.

Apparently, they drink
more champagne per head here

than in any other county.

Class.

The people of Wilmslow
are going to miss this car,

but before they start weeping
onto their marble breakfast bars,

I have some good news.

Because now there is a new one.

With prices starting at £50,000, it's
cheaper than a proper Range Rover

and because it's available with seven
seats, it's more practical, as well.

But like I said at the beginning,

the old Range Rover Sport
was a bit of a fraud.

The question must be,
is this one really a Range Rover

and is it a Sport?

Let's start with that first bit.

No matter how much wood and leather
it's fitted with, the mark

of a real Range Rover is being able
to tackle this sort of stuff.

Important work being done,
coming through.

Well, the first thing
you need to know

is that this is not
a Discovery in a Range Rover frock.

It has the proper Range Rover chassis

and the same terrain
response system, as well.

This analyses the ground
you're driving over

and automatically adjusts
the suspension, gearbox,

brakes and engine output to suit.

Big, big, almost vertical hill now!

Very steep, very steep, very muddy.

That is... that is a climb.

Well done, you.

Besides the terrain response,
there's also a computer

that disconnects the anti-roll bars
to increase wheel articulation.

We're over.

I mean, that was a big old
cross-axling hump to get over.

It didn't even notice!

And there's more.

Ah! Water.

Good. Gives me a chance to play
with something else I have on board

and that is...

sonar. Kid you not!

Sonar transmitters and receivers
in the door mirrors

measure the depth of the water.

It will make a big noise
if it's getting too deep.

It's not worried, not worried.

I feel like I'm driving
a luxury hotel room through a swamp.

Cool.

Oh-ho! That's steep!

Just pretty much like it never...

There, I think I've repaired that.

More or less. That's how it was.

Good.

So, there we are.

This car, in the right hands,
is very good off-road.

And now, we must move on,

to this bit of the badge.

Welcome to Donington Park racetrack,

and if the Sport is as sporty
as Land Rover claims,

it should put on a good show here.

Now, you can get these
with a V6 or a V8 diesel.

The one I'm in is the supercharged
petrol V8 with 503-brake horsepower,

so that is the power taken care of.

And because it's built on
the brand-new all-aluminium chassis
of the proper Range Rover,

it's getting on for half a tonne
lighter than the old Sport.

That turn, lift, and then
it comes around and then bang!

503-braked all four wheels
and off you go!

And as well as the weight loss,

the computer-controlled suspension
fights body roll,

and there's an active rear diff
like you'd get on a BMW M5.

It also has something called
torque vectoring,

which dictates how much power is sent
to each of the wheels and when.

I mean, that is supercar stuff.

That's what you get
on the McLaren 12C road car.

What's staggering me right now

is that hurling this car
around this racetrack,

it doesn't feel like I'm asking it to
do anything it doesn't want to do.

It feels at home.

All in all, on a track,
it's good. But how good?

Well, to find out,

we must, as ever, call on the help of
the world's chattiest racing driver.

Today, The Stig is in
a Mini John Cooper Works GP,

one of the most hardcore
hot-hatches you can buy.

And now, he's going
to use it to set a lap time.

When you're ready... go!

Now, let's find out

if that can be beaten
by the big, bulky four by four.

And to oversee proceedings,
I shall ride shotgun.

The beauty of this is,

he has no idea what that last car
was called, no idea what he's in now.

Doesn't care. No bias, you see.

All he can do is
try and go as fast as he can.

And we're off!

Head towards the first corner, not
braking at all for the first corner.

Oh, that's very,
very quick down there!

Some wee might have come out there.

Whoa! Brakes work. That's good.

I'm not worried about putting him off

because this is just like a quacking
noise for him. It's irrelevant.

It's worth remembering about now

that this is still
a very big, heavy car.

It weighs more than
the heaviest Mercedes S-class.

But even at Stig speed, the Sport
seemed to have everything in order.

We should be The Leaning Tower
of Range Rover Sport right now,

but somehow we're not.
It's fantastic!

We just crossed over a minute.

That's the longest
protracted tyre squeal

in the history
of tyres and squealing.

Oh, that is... My, that was flying.

Chicane! That is fast.

And on to the final straight.

129.8 to beat.

129.5. There it is.

So, after years of
writing cheques it can't cash,

this car has finally earned the right
to be called the Range Rover Sport.

Massively better than the old one.
Massively better. Yeah.

And definitely worthy now
of the Range Rover Sport badge,

but I'd still prefer to have
the big proper Range Rover.

No, because if you buy the big one,
you'll spend half your time

wishing you'd saved 20 grand
and bought the Sport.

No, because you see, the thing is,

the proper Range Rover
has a split tailgate,

which all Range Rovers should have.
Look. That one doesn't have this.

No, but the Range Rover Sport
is better looking.

It's better to drive,
and you can get it with seven seats.

Yes, but when I take my dogs
for a walk, OK,

they leap out and I look at that

and think, "Yes! You know what,
I'll have a nice sit down."

So your walks are spent sitting down?
Yeah, I like sitting down.

What, so you'd spend £20,000
basically on a bench?

Why wouldn't you buy the Sport

and one of those folding chairs
from a petrol station for a quid?

But it isn't just the bench.

This is bigger, and bigger, as we
know, is always better than smaller.

Well, not always, not in...

Not in bruises, it's not.

Not bruises, no. Premium Bond wins.

Heart attacks.

Erm...

Fireworks.

Unexpected bills.

Ladies, can you think
of anything which is better

when it's bigger than smaller?

Now, the news.
And a couple of weeks ago,

on the way back from the show,
going along the A3,

I was held up for an hour
and a half by an accident.

When I eventually
got to the front of the queue,

expecting a scene of devastation,

I found a Fiat 500 with the bumper
hanging off at one end...

Oh, no!
Two of the three lanes closed,

and then just a load of people
in uniforms sort of milling about.

These people in uniform,
James, let me guess,

were they by any chance Highway
Agency Traffic Enforcement Officers?

Ah, yes. I knew they would be. We've
spoken about these people before

and I think we should
speak about them again

because they were employed
by the Highways Agency

to keep the roads open, and
all they ever do is shut them. Yeah.

As soon as they get their first job,
"Right, must close the road."

"Dislodged door mirror?
Close the road."

"Child a bit carsick?
Close the road."

"Someone says they've got whiplash?
Close the road. It's serious."

Whiplash, by the way,
is not a serious injury,
it's insurance fraud.

And that's all they do
and they've got to be stopped.

I think they should only be
allowed to close the road

if certain words are being used
to describe the incident.

"Inferno", "crater", "apocalyptic."

"Felt in Japan." Yes.

"Can't find the head." Yes, yes.

If Sally Traffic says that
on the traffic report,

"Can't find the head", then you
can think about closing the road.

But you still have to ring somebody
for permission and that is me.

I'd basically
never give them permission.

I would remind them that their
job is to clear up litter. Yes.

They are, as you once described,
they're basically Wombles.

Yes, it's a lovely job and they
should appreciate what they've got.

It's fun. They can work
underground, overground.

They could make good use of the
things they find. Yes, they could.

Things that everyday folk just
leave behind. What an opportunity.

I think we should dress
them up like actual Wombles.

Come on, who wouldn't want to see
a Womble by the side of the road?

I wouldn't mind being
stopped by a Womble

and it would be good for your own
safety because nobody would want
to run over a Womble, would they?

You'd be careful.
You'd be heartbroken!

They wouldn't need hi-vis.

Now, the Royal Mail, as we know,
often issues commemorative stamps.

They pick on a subject like
woodpeckers or hats or diseases.

Diseases?! Anyway, they've decided
to do a range of stamps

based on
classic British motoring cars.

I've got some of the ones
they've done for you here.

There's the Lotus Esprit. This
isn't the actual size of the stamp.

I did wonder! This is a mock-up.

They've got the Lotus Esprit and
they've got the Aston Martin DB5

and if you don't want your letter
to get there, the MG.

Oh, God, look at that, dismal.

The Ford Anglia police car.
Now that is a Ford Anglia.

The scariest thing I've ever done
in how many years have been testing
cars, 25 years? 80. 80 years.

In 80 years, was doing an
emergency stop in one of those.

My dad lost his kneecaps
in one of those.

I don't mean lost them,
like, "Where are they?"
They'll be under the seat.

He crashed it and they had
to take his kneecaps out,

after crashing a Ford Anglia.
And now they've put it on a stamp.

That's more dreadful heritage
Britain nonsense, isn't it?

It gets worse, look at that one! That
is The Archers as a postage stamp.

Why don't they put
something modern on it?

You could put the McLaren
or the Bentley Mulsanne on it,

that would be fantastic on a stamp.

I mean, the French wouldn't do
a stamp that had an old bloke

on a bicycle and a stripy T-shirt
with some onions, would they?

That's what that is!

The Germans wouldn't do a stamp with
a half-track just outside Warsaw.

Exactly. No, they really wouldn't.

No, Jeremy, definitely,
they wouldn't do that.

They wouldn't, would they?

No, anyway, let's move on.

Now Mazda and Alfa Romeo
have announced they're going to do

a joint project
to make a small sports car.

Mazda will call theirs the MX5,

Alfa will call theirs the Spider.

The trouble is, Alfa Romeo
once did this in the past.

They teamed up with Nissan,
remember this? Yes.

They teamed up with Nissan
and we thought, what a great plan.

Alfa does the styling and the
engine and then Nissan builds it.

But they did it the other way
around. Yeah, they did.

It was the stupidest decision
in history.

This is what we got,
ladies and gentlemen. The Arna.

Oh, dear.

Style by Nissan,
built by Alfa Romeo.

It's a bit like going to Peter
Crouch and Abbey Clancy and saying,

"Right, Abbey, you take the penalty
and Peter, you model bikinis."

It's that idiotic.
They couldn't be more wrong.

So for this MX5/Spider, job one,
make sure Mazda build it.

That's essential.
Mazda do the building.

Alfa do the styling, engine?

Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Alfa do the engine and the styling,

but welding, soldering, doing up
the bolts, that's Mazda's job.

I really do want
to see this Alfa Mazda.

I think
an MX5 Spider joint-venture,

that could be brilliant.

Now I want to move it
onto something really important.

A few months ago there was a bit
of a brouhaha about town centres

in Britain dying,
all the shops closing down.

And we suggested
on this show that this is because

you aren't really allowed
to park anywhere in a town centre,

so people go to out-of-town shopping
centres, where you can park.

We said they needed to relax
the parking arrangements.

Well, we have a powerful ally.
Do we? Is it Barack Obama?

No, not Barack Obama. Darth Vader?

No, Eric Pickles. Brilliant.

Who's Eric Pickles. I've no idea.
Do you not know who he is?

Well, he's not Darth Vader, is he?

Eric Pickles,
I can actually draw him.

Cos he's got an incredibly
small face, he's got a small face

and then he's got
really quite a big head.

So he actually looks like that.

He doesn't look like that. He does.

Put a proper picture
of him on the screen.

Oh, God, he looks like that.
He does look like that.

That's amazing. What a fabulous
arrangement. Look at that.

You can draw him,
it's really quite good.

You can have your own personal
Eric Pickles on your thumb.

Wow! It's Eric Pickles!

That's brilliant.

I like his face. That's a good face.

Excellent facework.

Anyway, Eric has said, OK,
and he is a government minister,

he said that you should be allowed
to stop on a single yellow

or a double yellow line
just for a few minutes,

while you pop into a shop
to get a pint of milk.

That sounds like
perfectly good common sense.

"I'm just popping in to the shop,
out in a minute." Hang on, though.

This is the BBC, let's not forget,
so in the interests of balance

and impartiality, I will think
of why that isn't a good idea.

It's a great idea.

So there we are, we've addressed
all the problems and we can say,

Mr Pickles,
implement it straight away

or we shall park
on your substantial face.

To be fair, you could get
about ten cars on there.

If you look, he's got
a mini-roundabout on his chin.

I like the sound of Eric Pickles.
He sounds brilliant!

He talks good sense
and he's called Eric Pickles.

I think we should have him on the
show in the Reasonably-Priced Car,

but here's the spin,
here's the trick.

We tell him the reasonably-priced
car is an Ariel Atom,

because I've got a wobbly face
that goes a bit like that.

Imagine what his face would be like!
It could go inside out entirely.

Amazing. Who here thinks we should
get Eric Pickles on the show?

Come on, Eric! Please come
on Top Gear. We want you.

Moving on, a lot of carmakers
have got it into their heads

that anyone who spends £300,000 plus
on a car will want only two seats

and an absolutely
enormous top speed.

The Lamborghini Aventador,
for example.

And that's great, but what if you're
not really interested in speed

and you want more than two seats?
Well, how about this?

It is the long-awaited replacement
for the Routemaster.

It costs £330,000 and it's known,

rather unimaginatively,
as the NBFL, the new bus for London.

But could it be used as
a private car, I wonder?

Could this, in fact, be the NCFS,
the new car for Somerset?

So, here we are and the first
problem you notice

with the new London bus
is that it's a bit complicated.

So you can't just get in it and go.

'Fire system pressure OK.'

Ignition system. Right. Here we go.

Cock.

'Tyre system pressure OK.' Hang on!

'Tyre system pressure OK.'
Oh, bollocks.

Eventually, though,
if you press absolutely everything

it will actually start and set off.

Look at me!
Look at my big steering wheel.

Sorry!

But how does it get on as a car?

Well, if I'm honest,
it is quite wide.

And, yeah, all right, very
occasionally the height is an issue.

Cocking Nora!

But even though it's 35 feet long,
it's not hard to drive at all.

The steering is light
and quite direct.

It lacks the crispness that you
find in, say, the Ferrari 458

but it's not bad.

What's more, unlike most cars
in a similar price bracket,

it's extremely home-grown.

It's not something that's
just been badged up over here.

It's all made in Britain. The
chassis, the bodywork, the glass.

It keeps British people employed,
it promotes British skill,

it advertises workmanship.
This is a dead-end. Cock!

How did I do...?
It didn't say dead-end

at the beginning of the road.

'This, then, would be a good
place to test manoeuvrability.'

Right, I can go right up
to that because I'm right
at the front of the bus.

'This did attract a crowd.

'But if you try doing a three-point
turn in a Lamborghini,

'you get a crowd, as well.'

'Tyre system pressure OK.' Oh, God.

Can you look at the back for me?

Can you check
I don't knock a building over?

It's like Victorian Britain.

I've employed some children
to do something useful.

'The only difference is that people
do tend to mistake this for a bus.'

Mind the dog! '..and get on it.'

Oi!

God above! Get off, you pesky,
meddling kids. Off, off! Off, off.

No mobile phones, no pressing
the button. Off, off, off, off.

Stay of the bus.

I've locked myself out.
I've locked myself out of the bus.

'Having sorted out
the problem with pliers,

'I immediately crashed into a
Volkswagen Beetle.' Yi-yi-yi!

'And then I nearly hit a bridge.'

4.4? We're 4.42! Ah!

God, this is exhausting.

But with the road ahead mercifully
free of traffic,

there was time to talk about some
of the bus's high-tech features.

It's a hybrid bus, this.

It has a diesel engine
and it has an electric motor.

The electric motor always
drives the wheels.

The diesel engine generates
electricity for the batteries.

So it is actually
like a Fisker Karma.

The 0-60 time is not quoted.

Primarily because it won't do 60.

But it will accelerate at one
metre per second. And that's good.

That means people standing up
won't fall over.

So what about the styling?

Well, it was created
by the same people

who did the amazing
Olympic cauldron.

And they've done
another great job on this.

From the back, it looks
like Phil Oakey's haircut,
out of The Human League.

All right, it is quite boxy.

But that's because it's a bus.

A point that becomes obvious
when you step inside.

Over its lifetime, it's reckoned
that about four million people

will get on and off it so it
is a bit of a collection point

for vomit and sputum
and other bodily secretions.

So this floor, rubberised cork
for grip, with drainage channels,

so that the blood runs out.

There are three doorways
and two staircases

so that desperate teenagers can get
upstairs as quickly as possible.

There are 16 CCTV
security cameras on board,

and this upholster,
which is inspired by that used

on the original Routemaster, so that
we find it comforting and familiar.

And then there's this,
which I particularly like.

This screen tells you
when you get on the bus

whether or not the top deck is full,

so you don't waste your life
going up and down the stairs.

Now, handling.

On a road like this, in a supercar,
you'd be clammy-handed

and frightened,
but in my bus, I was very relaxed.

♪ Da-da, da-da-da... ♪

And this got me thinking. How would
the bus cope with a track day?

Now you might think we're
just being deliberately silly

in a Top Gear, sort of, way,
but are we?

Because the NBFL has
a lot of features that you'd
want in a track day car.

It's rear-engined, like a Porsche
911, it's rear wheel drive.

It has massive tyres. And then
if we move down to the front...

we find excellent
all-round visibility, a lofty,

commanding driving position

that will give me
a good view of all the bends.

Unfortunately, while that
sounded good in the paddock,

there were some issues.

Bandits on my six.

Yobbo!

On the straights, for instance,
it was woefully slow.

More speed!

But in the corners, you could
at least behave like a bus driver.

I've shut the door on the Porsche.

Your Oyster card is about to expire!

And across the line!

Thank you.

I have never enjoyed my time
on a race track as much as that.

In fact, I enjoyed my whole day with
the bus. There are a few drawbacks.

Parking,
fuel consumption, reversing,

but all that is true
of the Bugatti Veyron, as well.

On the plus side,
it's roomy, it's distinctive,

and it's extremely nice to drive.

All in all,
I think it would make a super car.

Hang on.

Hang on a minute. What?

Have you completely
taken leave of your senses?

Are you seriously proposing
THIS as an alternative to THIS?

No, look, Hammond, let me explain.
Lord Sir Sugar, he is a wealthy man,

but he's not interested in doing
nought to 60 in two seconds, is he?

If he had one of these,
he could take all his mates, well,

if he's got any,
and have a lovely day out.

It's hardly practical, is it?

No, Hammond, I think he's onto
something. Oh, for God's sake...

No, no, because
if you wanted a Lexus LFA,

but you'd had a papal attitude
to birth control -

a lot of children - this is ideal.

Exactly right.
And you don't have to drive,

you could get somebody
to drive it for you.

You could call him the,
I don't know, the bus driver.

Oh, for crying out loud!
Hang on, how's this for an idea?

You get the local authority
to buy the bus

and then you can just use it now
and then in return for a small fee.

No, James, that would be communism.

Anyway, it's time now to put a star
in our reasonably-priced car.

Now, my guest tonight is
an Australian who lives in Britain,

but, unusually,
he doesn't work in a pub.

Instead, he works
in the marketing department

of a large energy drinks company
and he's just handed his notice in.

Ladies and gentlemen,
please welcome Mark Webber.

Mark Webber!

How are you?

Have a seat. Have a seat.

One of the most popular figures,
I say, in Formula 1.

Now, we have so much in common.

We have the same body fat index,
I know that. Why are you laughing?

Exactly the same. But the
main thing we have in common,

apart from the same body fat index,

is cycling.

I'm now a cyclist.

I hear it's a new passion for you.

And you, of course,
are well-known as a cyclist.

You do a lot of competing. I've
done a little bit over the years.

Somebody said
you are the fittest driver.

I'm in reasonable shape.
I think all the guys are fit now.

If you're
the fittest Formula 1 driver,

you've got to be one
of the fittest athletes.

If we did lots and lots of different
challenges, I think, yeah.

That would be good.
Let's get you all playing
all the different sports.

Do you play football?
Ours or your silly football?

We won't get
onto the Lions and Australia.

We'll leave that well alone.

Somebody's here. Somebody
understands what you're on about.

Lions and Wallabies,
we really enjoyed that.

And the Ashes.

You must have really enjoyed
living here these last few years.

I thought the previous Ashes
was quite a good series.

I mean, all the South Africans
played well for you guys.

So how much mileage have you done
on the bike? On the bike?

I've done... three.

Three miles.

One thing I will say
about cycling is, it is, well,

it's pretty dangerous.

Over the years, you've had a number
of car accidents, let's be honest.

If you race cars, you'll crash cars.

We've got a photograph of a crash.
I believe it was at Le Mans.

A still photo.
Yeah, this is you in a Mercedes.

I say car crash, that is a plane
crash going on. How did that happen?

Actually, in that era, the late 90s,
the cars were super unsafe,

so a lot of cars were flying.
Just the regulations.

So you're sitting in there,
thinking...?

I'm thinking,
obviously I'm now out of control.

Believe it or not,
I'm now out of control.

As arrogant as us boys are,
I have now lost control of that car.

That's gone. Do you find yourself
in a situation like that braking?

The brake lights
will still be on, probably, yes.

"Why isn't it slowing down?"

And then, of course, that was
the big Formula 1 airborne one.

Was that Valencia? Yeah.
It was quite a big crash.

We've got the footage here,

just to remind everybody of Mark,
one of your finest hours, really.

Again, I find myself...

What does go through
your mind apart from,

"Wow, it's like a fairground ride"?

You've just got to
stay away from Lotuses, mate,
that's the long and short of it.

The thing about
both of those accidents,

I think the first one,
you suffered a little bit of...

I had some concussion, neck problems.

That one, though, the one
in the Formula 1 car? I was lucky.

I snapped the brake pedal,
actually. So that was about it.

Which is unusual
to do from that side.

A lot of power required, adrenaline.

You actually broke it with your
own...? Snapped it. Just popped it.

What, just with the force
of your own foot? Exactly.

So you walk away from both those
accidents, which is remarkable,

and yet you go cycling in 2008,

bump into a Nissan Torino,
I believe. It won, mate, it won.

It won. And you broke your leg?

Yeah. Shoulder...

Because this is what I think we need
to impress upon children watching.

Don't get a bicycle.
Because they're dangerous.

Now obviously, you've, as we said in
the introduction, handed notice in.

Why? Where are you going?
What you going to do?

Timing's right for me, mate.

Bit of a break from what I've been
doing for the last 14 years.

So I'm going to race
with Porsche, actually.

I know you love Porsches, don't you?

The 911 is such
an interesting car!

No, cos what worries me,
do you think you're getting out
at the right time of Formula 1?

Now that we've got the tyres
going off like they do,

is that getting a bit wearisome?

You're in the car, the car's
going well, you know the track,

you're in the groove
and you know that if you push hard,

your tyres will simply wear out
and you can't win.

It is very different, mate,
from how it used to be.

But that's the way it is, we've got
to learn and get on with it.

But you've got to be able to push.
In Formula 1,

it's about us boys absolutely on the
limits all the time. It should be.

There's a big regulation change
next year.

We're going to have to save fuel.
1.6 litre engines?

I mean, my Ford Cortina
had a 1.6 litre engine.

So are you going
to miss your team-mate?

Am I going to miss Seb?

Probably not a huge amount, no.

In a competitive environment, there's
always going to be a bit of needle.

There's a lot of history between us
two, obviously, that's gone before.

Did it start in Malaysia when he
suddenly lost the ability to hear?

It was basically
"Don't overtake Mark",

and then he heard everything
apart from the "don't".

I mean, you're an Aussie.
Have you never felt tempted to...?

"This is for Gallipoli, blam!"

A lot of people are saying yes.
I'm a bit concerned.

My dad always says,
"You shouldn't hit boys, mate", so...

Good one.

Now you're here
for the second time, in fact.

Different studio,
everything's a bit different.

I was a bit nervous today.
Were you in the old studio? Yeah.

You actually looked
half-decent back then.

I've gone, I've absolutely gone.

I've got grey, too, mate.
You've got grey.

Richard Hammond hasn't gone grey.

It's really weird.
That's incredible.

I don't know how
he's keeping it at bay.

Anyway, let's find out
how you got on on your laps.

You came here once
before and, let's be honest...

It was chucking it down
and I was nowhere.

You were 1.47, but it was
the wettest day in human history.

Well, today was not raining.
Very good conditions.

Good conditions, the right
temperatures for a Suzuki Liana.

Who'd like to have
a look at this lap?

Yeah!

Let's have a look. Come on, Mark.
Let's have a look at the lap.

Righto, here we go.
Coming to get you.

Lewis and Sebastian.

Right, those are the two targets.
The first corner.

Nice and wide on the way. And it is
interesting how you lot all do that.

Look at the Liana, what a machine.

What is it with Formula 1 drivers?

Kimi was looking
at the helicopters and planes

and now you're adjusting
your clothing. Where are you going?

Pay attention.
The steering's very responsive.

That'll help with your time.
Right, Hammerhead.

Keep it tight, keep it in.
It's horrible, Hammerhead.

What's that?

You keep the grip up.
There's new asphalt there.

It's good grip on that,
really good grip.

Don't scrub any speed
through these fast ones.

Turning lightly, here we go.

Here we are,
the Hugh Jackman. Ooh!

Cutting it nicely.

How do you carry? Look how much
speed you've got going into that!

That's impressive.
Well, bound to be, really.

And here, no, I wouldn't
have changed down there

but there we are, across the line.

I just said "I wouldn't have
changed down there" to YOU!

Second gear in the last corner,
second? Yeah.

I use third in Gambon. Do you?

Well, on the basis that it's
the end, so it doesn't really matter

if you roll it or burst.
There's no weight transfer in third.

I want to get the weight on the front
tyre. The weight on the front?

You see, I trail break.
Trail breaking? A little bit.

Still not enough inertia.
It just gets the weight of the nose.

I'll give you some lessons after.
The least I can do.

Anyway, where do you think?

Obviously, you said you were
going for Sebastian and Lewis,

who are right up at the top.
That was the goal.

Well, I've got the time here. I
shall have a look. Hang on a minute.

I love the way
that Formula 1 drivers, actually,

it's like you really care
about this. Cos it is quite funny.

I mean Rubens was really dead
chuffed when he was fastest.

He was running around handing out,
"I am the beat..."

He was, he gave me one.

Anyway, Mark Webber...

You did it. Well, I'm going
to start with the bad news.

Really? Yeah. You're not fastest.

So, really, once we got that one out
the way, the big question is,

ze German.

Did you beat ze German,
who did a 1.44 dead?

It's quite tight between those three.
It is very tight in the 1.44s.

It's all very tight.
So, Mark Webber, you did 1...

40...

The next number's important.

Three. Ooh!

You beat Seb.

Only .2 off Lewis.

That...

I reckon that did it.

I reckon if you'd
just taken my advice

about third at the final corner.

The thing is, you're not faster than
Lewis but you don't have an earring.

OK. That's worth 3/10, isn't it?

It's got to be 3/10,
yeah, with his earring.

But you have beaten
Sebastian Vettel in the same car.

Ladies and gentlemen, Mark Webber!

Tremendous.

Now, for years we've known

that Jaguar was working
on a new small sports car.

We've known that it's going
to be called the F-type

and we had a pretty good idea
of what it would be like.

Yeah, we knew that it was going
to be quiet and comfortable

and restrained and that the interior
would be full of traditional leather

and wood and moss.

So were we right?

In short, no.

We were not right.

It's an X-rated,
hardcore monster...

for the terminally unhinged.

It's got such a wide range
of intoxicating noises.

When you change up,
it snorts like a hippo.

And when you put your
foot down, it bellows.

And when you take it off again...

RUMBLING

Have you heard
a soundtrack like that?

That is the sound
of the '60s right there!

And if you push this
little button here,

you engage the sports exhaust
system, which makes it even louder.

It's not all bark
and no bite, either.

The 3L V6 engine is supercharged

and delivers 375
fire-spitting horse powers.

It does 0-60 in 4.8 seconds.

Top speed, 171.

And this isn't even
the fast version.

If you want,
Jaguar will sell you a 488hp V8.

I wouldn't bother, though,

because at no point while I've
been driving this, have I thought,

"Yeah, but I wish
it was a bit more exciting."

Now, you would imagine that a car
this loud and this brutal

would be as luxurious
as a Methodist's coal house.

But, no.

The roof can be raised or lowered,

even when you're going
30 miles an hour.

The switches are bronzed.

The seats are electric.

And you can choose what shade
of mood lighting you'd like.

The interior, then,
is nicely thought out,

but it is nothing
compared to the exterior.

I think this is one of the
best-looking cars ever made.

So, it's beautiful
and mad and thrilling and loud.

And there's more.

A lot of cars these days feel like
laptops, but this doesn't.

Yes, you can go into the computer

and alter the characteristics
of the gearbox and the engine

and the steering
and suspension, but that said,

there's no double clutch gearbox.

It's just a smooth,
eight-speed auto.

There's no six-way traction control,

there's no complicated
folding metal roof.

It's much simpler than that.

Engine at the front,
drive to the rear

and a big, smiling piece
of meat in the middle.

The chassis is epic, and so are
the brakes, and so's the steering.

And you've got tons of locks,

so if you do get it out of shape,
it's easy to get it back again.

In many ways, it puts me in mind
of a BMW M3 and that is...

That is high praise.

Except, it's not a BMW.

It's a Jag.

And I wish I could end it there,
but, unfortunately,

there are one or two issues
that need mentioning.

I've just done my weekly shop.

I bought some jam...

some milk...

some sugar...

and some butter.

Sadly, I wasn't able
to buy any more than that,

because if you buy your Jag
with a spare wheel,

this is what the boot looks like.

How could they have a meeting
and decide that THAT was acceptable?

It's just madness!

And there's another problem -
the price.

I was expecting the V6 version
to cost around £50,000.

But actually, it's almost £68,000.

And the V8
is an eye-watering £80,000.

But the biggest problem,
by a country mile, is the ride.

This road appears
to be completely smooth,

but it feels like I'm driving...

No, not driving,
it feels like I'm roller-skating,

over a piece of corrugated iron.

It's just... urgh!

And it's even worse
when you go slowly in a town.

That's just unbearably harsh.

And there's no need for it.

When you've got a chassis this good,
you don't need hard suspension.

What were they thinking of?!

Happily, however, the ride does
get better the faster you go.

Which means, there is
a way round the problem.

Don't drive slowly.

Drive fast.

Let's be honest,
in a car that looks this good

and sounds this fantastic,
and goes this well,

that's no hardship.

That is no hardship, at all.

Another amazing road
in Hertfordshire.

You should come there more often.

Anyway, Jaguar, as I'm sure
you know, is now an Indian company,

but the cars
are still made in Britain.

And so are the Range Rovers
that we were talking about earlier,

and so is the bus
that James thinks as a car.

And that got us thinking.

We're always been told

that Britain's
manufacturing industry is dead,

that we don't make stuff any more,

and that we certainly
don't make vehicles.

But, do we?

Well, WE do, obviously.

We made this pioneering hybrid
electric car, using technology

that is now copied globally.

And we made
the magnificent Hovervan,

a machine of
unparalleled capabilities,

many of which were not faked
in any way, at all.

And then there was the superb P45.

Which was terrible.

Well, it had one or two issues.

Yeah, it was lethal.

Yeah, being lethal
was one of the issues.

But it was British built.

And we were wondering, what else is?

And so, for the finale
of the last programme of the series,

we thought we should find out.

This is most people's idea
of a British car factory.

A ruin that closed down after some
long-forgotten strike in the 1970s.

But it turns out that, actually,

there's rather more going on
than you might think.

Today, a new car
rolls off a production line

somewhere in Britain
every 20 seconds.

Honda has a factory in Swindon,

where 2,700 people are employed

to make the Civic,
the Jazz, and the CRV.

Toyota makes cars in Derbyshire.

Cars, which are
then exported to Japan.

And then there's the Nissan plant

in the Northeast.

Last year,
this one factory made more cars

than the whole of the Italian
motor industry put together.

And it's not just
whole cars we make, either.

Last year, one in three Fords
sold globally

had an engine made either
in Wales or here in Essex.

And there's more.

And then, we arrive
at the Rolls-Royce plant in Sussex,

where, yes, many of the components
are shipped over from Germany.

But the job of putting them
all together is done here.

Because Britain is the only country
that appreciates

it's better to trim the seats
with hide from bulls,

because cows get stretch marks
when they're pregnant.

Then you have
the people doing the wood.

Grandmasters, they're called.

And the paint shop, where 45 kilos
of paint is applied to each car.

And then, there's this chap.

It's his job
to apply the coach lines

and embellishments
to the finished product...

by hand.

You won't find his equivalent
in a Hyundai factory.

He learned his trade
as a pub sign writer.

It's said he has
the steadiest hand in the world.

Then, there's motor racing.

In the whole world,
there are 11 Formula 1 teams.

Eight are based in Britain

and seven can be seen from the top
of this one hill in Oxfordshire.

Over there, you have Williams.

Up there in the Cotswolds,
there's Lotus and Caterham.

Then, moving further along,

we have Force India, Marussia,

Red Bull and Mercedes.

Britain's contribution
to motorsport is extraordinary.

All IndyCar races,

every Dakar winner since 2009,

35 of the 56 starters
at this year's Le Mans,

including the car that won it.

The Marussia Formula 1 car,
and the Pagani Huayra.

All of them have gearboxes
made in that factory

on this little industrial estate
in Berkshire.

A whopping 75%
of all research and development

done in global motorsport
is British.

British clutch.

British hybrid system.

British ECUs.

And it's not just us saying,
"Ooh, look! Aren't we clever?"

The rest of the world likes
what we're doing these days.

For five out of
the last seven years,

Aston Martin has been voted
"coolest brand in the world".

And then, there's the list of global
celebrities who drive a Range Rover.

Time now to move away from the cars
and into the heavy engineering.

On this map of the world,
all the countries shaded in red

use military vehicles
made in Britain.

All the countries shaded green

use British-made lorries
to move stuff around.

In all the countries shaded yellow,

there's at least one JCB
helping to build something.

And while it's not exactly
heavy engineering,

all the countries shaded brown
watch British-made motoring shows.

Having established we do make
quite a lot of stuff in Britain,

we decided to find out
just how much.

So we hatched an ambitious plan.

We called all the companies
that make motorised vehicles

and said to them, "Could you bring
whatever it is you make

"to a gathering in London?"

A little bit
of a problem with Morgan,

who didn't know what London was,

but eventually,
everybody responded magnificently.

Jeremy, Richard, and I are taking
three different versions

of the new F-Type to London.

I, for example, have the V6...

Whoa! That's the Triumph bikes.

Tremendous!

Meanwhile,
deep in the countryside...

Oh, look at that!

And now, look what's coming!

It's the Morgans. Carry on, chaps!

Much later than everyone else,

the Formula 1 cars
began to leave for London.

Which, in Milton Keynes,
was quite a sight.

And quite a sound.

Eventually, the fleet of vehicles
that had been made in Britain

began to arrive
on the streets of the capital.

And after
the slowest had turned up...

we climbed into our Jags

and headed for the meeting point

to see how much stuff was there.

This feels a bit special, this does.

And it became even more special

as we swung past Buckingham Palace

and onto The Mall.

There's more than I thought.

The Mall has hosted many
uplifting scenes over the years.

But it has never hosted
anything quite like this before.

It wasn't just the sheer volume
that took our breath away.

It was the diversity, the breadth.

Cars, lorries, diggers, racers,

ice cream vans, hearses.

It was magnificent.

It was huge.

I didn't know we made those
massive tipper trucks.

Look at that that thing!

A tractor.

I didn't think of that.

Land speed record cars!

There's my bus! All right, mate?

Ooh, the Eagle!

A lot of people say that, today,

Britain is nothing more than a bank,
or a boutique, or a busted flush,

but looking at that staggering
collection back there...

I'm not sure they're right.