Top Gear (2002–…): Season 20, Episode 5 - Episode #20.5 - full transcript

Jeremy Clarkson and James May investigate a type of tall hatchback called a 'crossover'. Since these cars are designed for caravanners, the pair pick examples from Mazda and Volkswagen and ...


Tonight... Richard drives
a new Lamborghini.

James and I go on a caravan holiday.

And a rock god
is in our Reasonably Priced Car.

APPLAUSE AND CHEERING

Thank you, everybody! Hello! Hello
and welcome. Thank you, everybody.

Thank you, thanks. Now...

1963 saw the birth of two things
I'm not very interested in.

The Porsche 911 and James May.

LAUGHTER

Apparently, however, there is
now a new 911, which won't be new

in any way at all,
and James has been driving it.

Here it is. And I agree.

In terms of appearance,

it's changed rather less
over the last 50 years than I have.

The interior may be more ordered,

and Porsche nerds will spot
that it's a couple of inches longer.

But to normal people,
it looks just like another 911.

In truth, though, this is all new.

The body, for example,
is now made from aluminium,

which means it is much lighter -
and lighter is good.

The 3.8 litre flat-six engine
has been upgraded.

There's a new seven-speed
manual gearbox.

Which is fantastic.

And all new suspension,
which does its job impeccably.

For 50 years, Porsche have
bloody-mindedly stuck with

this daft idea of building a car
with the engine at the back, but...

..half a century of
consistent fiddling around

and they've made it work
brilliantly.

It's so good that it brought on
a temporary attack of yobbishness.

TYRES SQUEAL

Turn in, give it
a little squeeze of power.

Feel it all tighten up.

How could you not like a 911?

And that question brings me
on to an important point.

Strange to say it,
but this car has a big problem.

And that problem is
classic 911 enthusiasts.

To them,
this car is the work of Satan,

and simply because it isn't an old
911. I'll give you a good example.

This car has electric
power steering,

and, to be honest,
I'm perfectly happy with it.

So would you be, I'm sure.

And if you put
electric power steering

on a Lamborghini or a Maserati,
nobody would bat an eyelid.

But on a 911, this simple
technical development has turned

the faithful into an angry,
roaring mob,

storming up from the village with
pitchforks and blazing effigies,

shouting, "Witchcraft!"

What they actually want in
a new 911 is a 911 that's new

and yet not new.

What they want is this...

..the work of a small Californian
company called Singer.

This looks like an old 911,

and some of its parts are indeed
cherry-picked from past 911s.

But the whole car is custom-built.

And, where necessary,
it's peppered with modern touches.

The engine is another classic 911
3.8 litre flat-six.

But this one has been fettled
by Cosworth in California,

and develops 360 horsepower.

And a lovely buzz.

Gets you in there.

And although the body may look like
it's come from a 1960s Porsche,

almost all of it has been
remodelled in carbon fibre.

The result of that is that this
911 weighs 200 kilograms less

than a new one.

That's like taking a Harley Davidson
out of the luggage compartment.

So, yes, it is a tribute band,
but it can rock like the original.

No, better, actually.

The precision on the steering -
you didn't feel that,

obviously, because you're not in
here, but it's utterly intuitive.

Look, it's an old 911,
it feels old,

and then I get to the hammerhead,
and the brakes are tremendous.

0-60 takes 4.5 seconds, and the
top speed is 175 miles an hour.

But, actually, in this car,
those figures are irrelevant.

The interesting thing is,
they could've overdone this.

I mean, it would be possible to
put the turbo engine in this car,

they could have made it ludicrously
powerful, but they haven't.

They've concentrated on
the sensation of performance,

the noise, the vibration,
the feel of the steering.

That's what actually matters.

Before we go any further,

you're probably wondering
what all this excellence costs.

Well, the bottom line is, it's a
lot. Around £280,000, in fact.

Now, that is a lot of money
for a car, I know.

But, then again, £50,000 is a lot
of money for one of those Dior

couture dresses,
until I learned that

over 2,000 hours of immaculate
handiwork goes into making it.

It's the same with the car.

The monks of this monastery of
the 911 have prostrated themselves

before their icon and anointed it
with exquisite gifts.

Each of these cars
takes 4,000 man-hours to make.

And each one features unique
touches - like the rev counter

in this one, that goes up to 11
as a tribute to Spinal Tap.

What this is, in truth,

is more than just the perfect bauble
for the devoted 911 enthusiast.

What this is... Well, it's a
bit like the Eagle E-Type that

Jeremy drove a few series back.
It's a love letter to a car.

APPLAUSE AND CHEERING

Can I just say... Hold on a minute.

That steering - what do you
mean you're perfectly happy

with the electric steering on the
new 911? I don't think it matters.

But the steering was the defining
characteristic of any

of the generations of 911.
It's about how it feels.

You said how the steering feels.
I know, you're right.

You're talking about
the little patter thing inside.

Well, I know what you mean.
But it's better.

But that means they've changed it.
Shut up!

All 911s are exactly the same.

That's like saying all babies are the
same. They are! They are identical.

And that one that Singer
has modified, that is

completely different.
Oh, he's still going on about it.

It's like a sort of 911
greatest hits.

That's like a Showaddywaddy
greatest hits!

LAUGHTER

Can we please stop
talking about the 911?

Please, let's do the news,
let's do the news. OK.

And now, it's time for the news.

Porsche has announced a new 911.

Oh, for crying out loud. I'm going.
Oh, this is going to be good!

It revs to 9,000rpm. Shut up
about your glorified Beetle!

It's not a Beetle,
it's a magnificent thing.

That is going to be about £100,000,
the end of this year,

it'll be here. It's going to be
wonderful. All right, all right.

We'll move it on.

Now, there is a new Porsche 911.

LAUGHTER

This is the Turbo and the Turbo S.

Clues to identification
begin with that...

Wait a minute, wait a minute.
Didn't Porsche say a while back

they were never going to make
another 911 Turbo?

Actually, they did in the '90s,
they did say that. Exactly.

So, not only are they
crap engineers, they're liars.

You cannot level crap engineers
at Porsche. Yes, I can. Yes, I can.

They haven't evolved.

They had one idea and
they just produced it

year after year after year.

You've got to move on.
Look at this show...

LAUGHTER

Maybe we can edit that out.
We'll edit that out.

So, that's interesting.

So, what you're saying is, Porsche
had an idea and stuck with it,

and I respect them for that.

LAUGHTER

Right, let's move onto proper news.
Oh, now, yes. Bad news.

Mr Cameron has decided there should
be a ban on internet pornography.

What are you going to do?

That means we will no longer be
able to look at pictures like this.

Wait a minute, is this wise?!

LAUGHTER

He hasn't banned it yet. Have a look
at this. Oh, I see what you mean.

ALL: Oooh.

That is strong pornography. It is.
It's actually a one-off Lamborghini.

It's called the Selfish.
It's not called the Selfish.

It is. It's called the Egoista.
It's Italian for "selfish".

Anyway,
you won't be able to see that.

And nor will you be
able to see this.

In what way is that pornography?
Well, it's orange.

The thing is -
this is a true story, OK?

A friend of mine has a website,
and it has an orange backdrop.

Now, in various offices and work
places that have this porn filter

on the internet, OK, orange
is picked up as a skin tone -

which, of course,
it is in Cheshire, yeah?

It's picked up, so it will just
see that as a naked lady with

a sort of vajazzle in the shape
of a Renault badge.

And then it won't let anyone see it.

So Mr Cameron's porn filter
is just going to stop us

looking at things that are orange?

Yeah, David Dickinson's had it.
He's gone!

I think it's a bit more
sophisticated than that.

I think it looks for words and
things as well. On search engines.

Certain words? Obviously.

Volvo. They've had it.

Why?

Well, it's a bit close to...
Oh, I see!

LAUGHTER

What about Fuchs alloys?

You're never going to be able
to see a Fuchs alloy.

Bell helmets. No.

LAUGHTER

You can't look at them.

You know we were doing
the Africa special last year,

and I got my BMW stuck on that
termite mound thing, and I said,

"Right, James, you reverse onto me,

"and Hammond tug me
off from behind."

LAUGHTER

I said that. That won't be
showing up on iPlayer.

No, Mr Cameron, don't ban it.

Now, Ford has obviously decided
the problem with modern cars

is they don't have enough
radiator grilles,

so this is their new one,
this is the EcoSport.

It has one, two, three, four,
five radiator grilles.

It's only got a one-litre
engine under there -

it's going to need a blanket,
it'll be draughty.

It'll be shivering in a corner,
"I'm cold!"

That massive car hasn't got
a one-litre engine. No, it's not
massive.

It looks it, but it's basically a
Fiesta on stilts, it's a small car.

Can I just say,
the thing that baffles me most

about this car - I'm going
to quote for you here, OK?

It says, "As a first in Europe,
the Ford's SYNC App Link system

"will offer drivers voice control
of mobile apps on the move,

"including the music streaming
service Spotify."

Does anyone here have the first
idea what any of that means?

Does anyone really know? What is it?
Spotify? What is Spotify?

It's a music streaming service,

so you can listen to music over
the internet. Any music? Any music.

So, if I were just driving along
and I said "Roxanne", it would

play Roxanne? Maybe. Well,
hang on, that's not going to work.

Because we know the voice
recognition in cars is rubbish -

it never works, does it?
So, if you just say, "The Police",

it will probably actually
ring the police.

LAUGHTER

No, it will! It will, it will!

Because this car's got a feature
on it that if you have an accident

or get into problems, it calls
the emergency services for you.

Well, that's just
a recipe for disaster.

You'll be sitting there going,
"Right, get the fire brigade,"

and it would play The Move!

# Get the fire brigade
get the fire brigade! #

"I'm in trouble, help!"
# I need somebody, help! #

What a terrible way to die,
trapped in your car,

listening to all the embarrassing
rubbish on your iPod.

Anyway, so that won't work.
Let's move on.

Good news, ladies and gentlemen.

Dacia has announced a special,

limited-edition,
black version of the Duster.

ALL: Oooh.

No, hang on a minute.

I mean, I normally go,
"brilliant" and move on,

but that's black
like a Mercedes 6.2 V8?

No. It's literally black.

LAUGHTER

I was going to say they've
painted it black - actually,

they haven't painted it. They've
done a wrap in like a bin liner.

So there's a blue edition and
a yellow edition and a white one.

It's just a black car. That's a bit
daft. Now, can I just say something?

As we know, the heatwave ended
spectacularly in Britain on Tuesday.

Many storms, we've got some
pictures of the aftermath here.

I'm not gloating, but call me Noah.

I mean, this guy, with his BMW,
very proud of it,

but at that moment he's thinking,
"I wish I had that hover van."

I told you!

Now, a couple of weeks ago,

we drove across Spain
in three budget supercars.

Lamborghini then got in touch
and said they'd built one too.

Better still, they invited me
over to Italy to drive it.

So, here we are.

Budget car, Lamborghini style.
The Aventador Roadster.

As you'd expect from Lamborghini,

it's basically a roofless wedge
of ginormous numbers.

700 horsepower.

217 miles an hour, 6.5 litre V12.

£289,000. The only small number?

0-60 - three seconds.
You get where I'm going.

It also handles beautifully,
easily as sharp as the hardtop.

But I'm not going to spend
my time today doing a big,

technical assessment of this car's
driving dynamics and such,

because what I'm interested in
is why this car perfectly sums up

what's so special about Lamborghini.

You see, most sports car companies,

a lot of their appeal
comes down to their heritage.

Cars named after famous race tracks,
famous races -

Mille Miglia, Lamont, and the like.

But Lamborghini has never
bothered with any of that.

Their mission has always been to make
the best bedroom wall poster

subjects in the world -
always looking forward.

Never back.

Look at this thing.
It's just pure theatre.

Everything is dialled up to 11.

It brings out the nine-year-old
inside every 40-year-old.

43... 38.

Middle-aged. Early middle-aged man.

What's really astonishing is
they've been pulling off this trick

for 50 years now.

That's five decades of unleashing
unique, flamboyant machines,

each more outrageous than the last.

The thing is, that's kind of a
high risk strategy, cos how do

you keep doing extreme, year after
year after year, for 50 years?

What do you come up with next?

Well, let's find out what, shall we?

Because, in truth, this isn't
the car they rang us about.

The car they rang us about
makes this look dull.

It's called the Sesto Elemento,
Italian for "sixth element".

And in the periodic table, that
sixth element is carbon, which is

no coincidence, because this thing
is made from little else.

The prop shaft, the suspension -

even the wheel rims are
all forged from carbon.

And the body is made from
a revolutionary blend of plastic

and carbon, jointly developed
by Lamborghini and Boeing.

Such an extreme car
deserves an extreme location.

Which is why we've returned
to the fearsome Imola racetrack.

Right. Last time I was here,
I was in a Noble M600,

which, as we know, is no slouch.

ENGINE REVS

Let's give it a shot. Three...

Let's just do it.

It's different! That's what it is!

It's super fast.

God, it nearly wheelies.

The reason it's so fast is not only

because it's powered by
a 570 horsepower V10,

but also because,
despite that massive engine,

and a full four-wheel-drive system,

it weighs less than a Ford Fiesta.

That means 0 to 60 in 2.5 seconds.

The same as a Veyron.

Holy moly!

Now, there are other supercars
that are fast because they're light.

But no car is as extreme as this
in the pursuit of shedding weight.

The Sesto Elemento doesn't even have
paint.

Instead, its colour comes from flecks
of crystal embedded in the bodywork.

And there's more.

These seats, they're not actually
seats, they've just made these pads

in a seat shape and stuck them
directly onto the chassis.

And the dashboard, there isn't one.

Instead you get this exposed
carbon plastic composite

but what I love is the way they've
done all this brutal simplicity

and weight-saving in an Italian way.

It's beautiful.

This central spar looks like it
belongs in a modern art gallery.

Yet despite its many unique
qualities,

the Sesto Elemento does share one
thing with other high-end
sports cars.

Its ability to empty
your bank account.

I think Lamborghini has learned
from Porsche the art of charging
more for less.

So this thing, with its missing
dashboard and seats, is,

wait for it,

£1.95 million.

However,
there's no time to be shocked by that

because right now I'm in a £2 million
hyper car and I've got it all
to myself.

That moment when it turns in,
it changes direction,
it turns like a swallow.

Because it's light,
you can break so late

and because it's light it can turn so
hard without tearing its own tyres
off.

And because it's light,
when you get out of the turn

the 570-brake horsepower V10
just catapults it.

People talk about being at one
with the car.

I've grown a car out of my hands
and feet.

Operating the steering is just
a joyous experience!

It's the most alive thing I've ever
driven. It's beautiful.

Absolutely dazzling.

And when you've finished, you can
get out and remind yourself you've

been driving something
that looks like this.

I've said for some time that
Pagani have been stealing
Lamborghini's crown

when it comes to making
the best bedroom wall poster car

but I think the new boys have just
been slapped down.

It's amazing.

When you say it's light.
Have you seen the windscreen?

That is how light this thing is.
That's not even glass.

It was electrifying to drive
because if you think,

most supercars are broadly the same.

This just felt different.
It feels like the future.

I took it for a spin this morning,
as, you know...

And what I loved about it is
because it's just a Gallardo
underneath it's not intimidating.

It's just fantastically fast
without being terrifying.

It nimble and sharp, it's beautiful.

Anyway, we must now find out how
fast it goes around our track

and that means handing it over
to our tame racing driver.

Some say he's married to
one of Princess Anne's hats.

And that he spent all week standing
outside a hospital in London

pretending to be Nicholas Witchell.

All we know he is he's
called The Stig.

And away he goes. No weight so it
takes off like a housefly.

Coming up to the first corner,
shunting power backwards here

to drive it through maintaining
grip. That's controlled.

No stereo
so no TV theme tunes mercifully.

A wiggle through Chicago.

Listen to that noise,
it's spectacular.

Will it understeer or oversteer?
No, it won't do either of them.

A bit of a bounce.
Stig is really on it today.

Right, follow-through.
All 570-horsepower unleashed here.

A bit of a drift. Steady on, Stig.
Wait, he's gone!

He's gone, he's lost it. And he's
on the grass. Oh, my giddy aunt!

Ooh, now that is a surprise.

That's only the second time
he's ever spun off here.

But he did eventually complete a lap
and I have the time here.

This is where
the normal Gallardo got.

But because this is a little bit
lighter, it's quick.

Faster than that.

Is it faster than
the Bugatti Veyron?

Yes, it is. No way! You're not...

Wow! That is amazing!

APPLAUSE

That's what happens
when you lose weight.

So, that...

That is where it goes on our board
and now it goes on the floor.

No, it must. Sorry because you can't
drive that on the road.

The board is for road cars only.
Those are the rules.

Absolutely and now we must
move on to the film Armageddon.

Ever since I saw that
I've wanted to get the actress

Liv Tyler to appear
in the Reasonably Priced Car.

I have nagged and nagged

and finally last week she agreed...
to send her dad.

LAUGHTER

Apparently he's a singer in a band
called Aerosmith.

Ladies and gentlemen,
please welcome Liv Tyler's dad.

APPLAUSE

I would have preferred your daughter
but you'll do. Have a seat.

You'll do. I love you too!

They're happy.

Now, yesterday
we were trying to get hold of you

and we were told by your people that
you were walking round Stonehenge

with the son of God, or, as
we sometimes call him, David Icke.

No, David Icke is quite
the character

and I wanted to find out what it was
all about so I called him up

and said, "Will you take me
around Stonehenge and show me around

"so I can feel the energy
of the place?"

I would have taken you around
Silverstone - it would have
been more fun.

I'd have to check into rehab
again with you! Yeah, you would.

Are you ever in the UK often? Not as
much as I wish I was. Not as much.

The band plays here
and then we are on tour

and we take off and go other places.

In the early days, you went
around pretending to be Mick Jagger,
as I understand.

Oh, jeez, that was 1967.

Actually I pretended
to be his brother

because someone said, "Are you
Mick Jagger?" and I said, "No,

"I'm his brother."
And they believed me.

They chased me down the beach

and I got my first hit of what
it must be like to be a rock star.
And I loved it.

Now, from what I understand,
unusually, you're not here

because you're promoting
something or a new album,

you came over because you wanted to
drive our Vauxhall Astra. I did.

On Top Gear. I did.
My Hennessy venom was very jealous.

You have a Hennessey Venom.
Does anyone here know what that is?

There's nodding going on.
In essence it is a Lotus Exige.

It is, stretched out and it's the
fastest road car there is right now.

I thought it hadn't quite beaten
the Bugatti Veyron
for the ultimate top speed.

It was 265 miles an hour,
did the Venom reach?

I think it beat all
the records in two miles.
Oh, in two miles...

We've got some footage here of
this car doing this record.

You really need to see this.
Here we go.

That's me on Sunset Strip!

To be brutally honest,
from that, which is impressive,

we don't get much of an idea
of what the car looks like

so we've got a still of it so we can
have a look. Are they sandals?

They are. With socks.
With socks. That's right.

LAUGHTER

There's a motorcycle you've got
called a Confederate Hellcat.

I mean... Phenomenal looking thing.
Have you ridden it? Oh, yeah.

You've got to hold onto
the handlebars for dear life.

Anything worth doing is worth
overdoing.

The Spinal Tap mentality.

And you have a Lotus Seven as well,
don't you? I have a Super Seven.

One of the first things I got.

That I get in every spring
with my son and crank Brian...

has the top speed, does he?

From AC/DC? Brian Johnson? Yeah.

Every spring I get in the car
with my son, bom, dun, un, un...

Dun, un, unt....

So, if you're driving around in that
with AC/DC blaring out,

don't people go, "I'm sure that's
the guy from Aerosmith."

It's like me drumming along
watching Fifth Gear.

Presumably you can't remember what
you were driving in the '80s?

LAUGHTER

A Porsche. You think? No, I know.
Were you able to drive it ever?

Hell, yeah. I just held one eye.

Because you did
a lot of spells in rehab.

Yeah, when you are in a band
that still working it's

kind of like living on the tail
of a comet and when you

are used to the curtain falling
at Madison Square Garden there is

a certain energy that you don't get
playing ping-pong after the show.

You want to go back with the twins

and drink yourself under the table.

We're not at the watershed yet!

With some twins
and play table tennis with them.

And is Aerosmith coming back,
will we be seeing Aerosmith?

We're on tour right now.
We just did Singapore
for the first time

and we are off to Japan, China and
South America so we are out. Really?

Yeah, yeah. Where'd you think I got
the whatwithal to drive that

thing around the track? This is it.
We are coming onto your lap now.
How was it?

You know what, my mum used to say
don't ever be afraid,

she said amateurs built the Ark
and pros built the Titanic.

Meanwhile, I got in this car
and I was scared to death.

I've never been on a racetrack
before ever. Really? Ever. Ever.

And I didn't know where I was going.

The thing is though I was
actually... Had one ear on the track

and I heard a noise
that sounded biblical.

It sounded like you changed first,
second, third, fourth, first.

That's what it was.

And there was a noise of tremendous
strain and breakage. Yeah.

Was it badly damaged?
We had to change cars. You did.

LAUGHTER

Presumably it's because you are used
to driving on the wrong
side of the road.

The wrong side... First of all,
I'm listening to The Stig talking
to me like this...

MUFFLED SPEECH

I went, "Right on!"

And I got ears in as if I can hear
anyway with the rock'n'roll

all these years and I'm on that side
of the car

and I'm shifting with this hand.
So I had to pull all that together.

Who would like to see Steven's lap?

AUDIENCE RESPOND POSITIVELY

In the spare car,
let's have a look.

Steven Tyler from Aerosmith
in the Vauxhall.

Come on, Steve McQueen.

Coming to me, baby. Come on.

Looking good there.
Oh, but not fast.

And around the first corner.
No accidents there.

BLEEP. Did it again.
You don't want to miss a thing.

But you missed third.

And you missed the apex.
But here we go. Tragic!

But it sure is fun.

Here we go, hammerhead.

Understeer, oversteer.
Any speed at all? I'm in the lines.

You were between the lines.
That was very tidy.

And you've used nearly all the road
apart from these three metres.

Come on, baby. Come on, baby.

Yeah.

Did you keep your foot hard down
through there? You did. Good man.

And through there? Yeah.
Stig did that earlier and crashed.

Bet he didn't mention that.

Right, another apex not quite here
and what about Gambon?

Oh, yes it's wide
but there we are,

ladies and gentlemen,
across the line.

APPLAUSE

Well done. Damage report.

Damage report. Damage reports.

Well, in fact we're bookended
by Mike Rutherford out of Genesis,

1.51.5 at the bottom

and then Brian at the top
and other people in the middle.

I've got the time here.
Let's have a look.

It was a one.

Then I'm afraid it was five.

AUDIENCE: Oooh!

Then there was another one.

But happily for you it was a nought.

So, you are not actually
the slowest we've ever had.

APPLAUSE

No wonder The Stig kept saying would
you like to go round one more time?

I'm looking for something I can give
you that's a crumb of comfort.

You're not the fastest American
because that would be Ron Howard.

Not the fastest... You're 65 now,
aren't you? Cor blimey.

You're not the fastest pensioner
because that's Brian Johnson,

you're not the fastest...

You're just not very good at driving
a Vauxhall Astra. That's all.

You should have sent Liv.

I should have sent my son, Taj.
Is he good? Oh, he's great.

No, you still should have sent Liv.

Ladies and gentlemen, it's been
a huge pleasure. Steven Tyler.

APPLAUSE

Now, on this show
we like to test cars for everybody -

rock stars,
billionaires, Arab oil sheiks.

We like to think we're more
inclusive than the BBC

regional news programme.

But there's one group of motorists
that we always ignore. caravannists.

Yes, and because there are
half a million caravans in Britain,

we buy more caravans
than any other European nation,

the producer said that Jeremy
and I should address this issue.

Yes, they told us
to do a proper comparison test

like they do in Which? magazine
and they told us not to muck about.

These are the cars caravannists
like.

Jacked-up diesel hatchbacks
with part-time four-wheel-drive

so we can deal with muddy campsite.

They're all terrible.

I know they're all terrible
but they're very popular.

The Nissan Kumquat is the sixth
bestselling car in Britain.

We have to decide which one of these
is best. You mean the least worst.

All right, the least worst.

Right, you pick a key and we'll
start with that. Here we go.

I think this is how most caravanners
end up with their cars.

They just get the keys from
a bowl at a party. Toyota RAV4.

Here it is,
it has a 2.2 litre engine,

prices start at £22,000. However,
it does sit in a rather high

insurance group and for that reason,

because we have to be ruthless,
we must eliminate it straightaway.

Good work, James.
Crisp delivery, full of facts.

However, this is a Mitsubishi
Outlander. Is it? It's not a RAV4.

They all look exactly the same.

To try and find some differences,
we took them all for a spin

and very soon
we came to a startling conclusion.

They're all exactly the same
to drive as well -

they are all very dreary.

Let me explain my problem
with cars of this type.

This is a Honda Civic,
this is a Honda CRV.

They have exactly the same engine,
they seat the same number of

people and they have the same level
of crash protection and safety.

But caravanners choose the CRV,
which is more expensive to buy,

more expensive to run
and nowhere near as nice to drive

because it suits their annual
holiday requirement.

And that's like clomping
around in ski boots all year

because every February you
go to the Alps.

I mean, I like snorkelling
but I don't go shopping

every day in a face mask because it
saves me the bother of...

As Jeremy ranted on, I drew up a big
chart showing all the facts

that caravannists care about.

Insurance, CO2 emissions,
maximum towing weights and so on.

And with this,
we could start to see what's what.

This is the chart our researchers
have drawn up.

And straightaway
we can see there's a problem with

the Peugeot 3008
which is the...blue one.

It's the brown one.
Well, whatever. Look here.

The maximum towing weight
on average is two tonnes,

the Chevrolet two tonnes, the Ford
is 2.1, two tonnes, two tonnes.

But the Peugeot,

because it's a hybrid, it can only
pull half a tonne.

It couldn't even pull me.

It's a good point, it's significant

and the Nissan Kumquat may be
the sixth bestselling car in Britain

but look, 1.4 tonnes
against generally two tonnes.

We'll eliminate both those...

This is very professional work
we're doing here(!)

And I think we must turn now
to price, because I'm just

looking here at the Chevrolet
Captiva, it's over £28,000.

And look at its insurance group!

Yes, and the road tax because
it's not that good on emissions.

So you'd eliminate the Captiva
for being too expensive?

Yes, and I would like to
draw your attention to this,

the SsangYong Korando.

Under £19,000, can you see
anything wrong with that?

Yes, I'd rather have warts.

'We spent several hours
going through all the numbers

'in a professional,
caravan club-type way,

'until we were left
with just two cars.

'The Mazda CX-5 and the
top-selling Volkswagen Tiguan.

'On paper, both are well priced
and both have low emissions

'and frugal diesel engines,
but which is the least worst?'

To find out, we've devised a
series of caravan-relevant tests,

starting with,

"Which one can do the best J-turn?"

'The Mazda went first.'

OK, here we go.

Ready, brake and spin it
round into first, and away.

Not bad.

Not bad at all.

'But before I tried the VW,
there was a problem.'

What does he want?

James! He says it's not...

What does he want? He says it's
not very relevant to caravanning.

What isn't? J-turns.

Don't caravanners do J-turns?
He says no.

Well, there we are, so that's not
a relevant test, as it turns out.

'To get a better idea of
what tests we should be doing,

'we were told to spend a day with
our cars living like caravannists.'

Er, right, James is
in the wrong car.

Cock!

'First of all, we decided to
go to something called the tip,

'which we'd been told is
something caravannists do a lot.'

There's one there that
you can throw your bra in.

Why would you throw your
bras away? Or your clothes?

Or your mobile phone, why would you
throw your mobile phone away? Look!

Washing machines! "What shall
we throw away today, darling?"

"The spin dryer, shall we throw
that away? "What's for supper?"

"I've thrown the cooker away."
Cos that's what they've done.

They've just come and
thrown their cookers away.

It's brand new!

That man just pulled up in his
Mercedes and threw this away.

It's dirty but it even...
Look, barcode!

He's just bought this from a shop,
come down here and thrown it away.

She's got something else.
Is it massive?

It's the wardrobe door.

She's just taken the door off
the wardrobe and thrown it away.

'Before leaving this strange place

'we did something else
caravanners enjoy.

'We washed our cars.'

WET GLASS SQUEAKS

'And then we went to
caravannist heaven.'

Is this any good?
Well, there's some chain.

Plastic sheeting.

"Suitable for domestic use."
We need a bit more heavy duty.

Wait a minute.

'Soon our trolley was
full of many things

'we thought caravanners might buy.'

Quick lines, shovels...

Zinc tub, axes...

Duct tape, saws, rope.

'We then took all our
new stuff to the tip

'and threw it away.'

CLANKING

'Having washed our cars again...'

SQUEAKING

'..we set off for the
garden centre, and on the way,

'I tried to solve a knotty problem.'

Last year, in Britain, 10,500
people bought a Volkswagen Tiguan.

3,000 bought a Mazda CX-5.

Even though the Mazda is
less expensive to buy,

it uses less fuel,
it's cheaper to insure,

it's kinder to Johnny Polar Bear,
so the road tax is cheaper.

So why? What's wrong with it?

What is it that puts a
caravanner off this car?

'At the garden centre,
I thought I'd found the answer.'

ENGINE SUDDENLY STOPS

What was that?!

What did I just hit?

It's got automatic brakes!

It stopped without me asking it to,

cos it thought I was
going to hit the hedge.

Get in.

Right. Try and run me down.

Oh, all right.

Now, if this doesn't work, you all
heard him say, "Try to run me down."

Urgh!

'In order to be even more thorough,
I decided to test it on James' car.'

Here we go, ready.

CRASH!

'You fooled it.'

'A bit baffled,

'we went back to the job of getting
into a caravanning state of mind.'

Pansies, there we go!
Are those petunias?

CLANKING

SQUEAKING

SQUEAKING

Look at that.
That is a duck. That is a duck.

Put it in the book.

'Things were going well,
but as night fell,

'I realised the earlier crash
had broken my Mazda's intercooler.'

Engine inspection required,
there's an engine warning light,

every warning light there is.

Right, this is not going
much further, so I'm going to

shove it in that car park over there
and we'll just wait for a tow truck.

'Weirdly, this remote
woodland car park

'was full of other cars
just like mine.'

Look at this.

This is really clever.

You can have one
interior light on, or two, or...

all four.

Dim, bright, dim, bright.

Dim, bright.

SQUEAKING

This is so dirty.

SQUEAKING

That's got it. There you go.

Is that Stan Collymore over there?

Flash your lights.

Yeah.

No! No, it's Phil Mitchell.

'We were waiting in the
car park for quite some time.

'And the following morning,
the memories were still with us.'

'But having spent
the day as caravanners,

'we did at least know how we
SHOULD be testing our cars.'

'So, we put the Stig into the VW,

'hitched it up to a caravan

'and asked him to set a lap time.'

Three, two, one, go!

TYRES SCREECH

CROCKERY CLATTERS

What just fell over in there?
Scrabble.

We should explain,

the Volkswagen has a part-time
four-wheel drive system

which will cut in should sensors
detect he's about to lose control.

He probably is there.

Now there can be feeding power to
the back end as well. He's through.

He's through, he's looking
good there, looking good.

Coming up to Chicago.

UTENSILS CLATTER
TYRES SCREECH

Bit wobbly! He's very wobbly there!

Look at that, he's
completely sideways.

He's gathered it up
with an armful of oppo,

which is what you
should do if that happens.

That's a five-wheel drift!

Top speed of the Tiguan with the
caravan attached is just 70mph.

Whoa! But look at that.

This, I think, is an
object lesson for caravanners.

There's no need to dawdle,
you really can get your foot down.

The wheel! No! It's come off!

THEY LAUGH

He's still going. I know he is!
We should move back.

He's coming in a shower of sparks
towards the line.

CARAVAN SCRAPES ALONG TRACK

And across the line!

Two minutes, 15.82. So there we are.

'Next, it was the
turn of the Mazda.'

Three, two, one...

BOTH: Oh-h-h-h!

UTENSILS CLATTER AND SMASH

Right, now, we should bear in mind

the Mazda has ten more
horse powers than the Volkswagen.

It has 30 or 40 more torques.

TYRES SCREECH

'In theory, then,
it should be faster.

'However...'

Smoke coming off the brakes.
Smoke pouring off the brakes! Whoa!

THUMPING AND SCREECHING TYRES

'Having declared the Tiguan
the victor by default,

we took the Stig to the tip

and threw him away.

'Then, as we were leaving,
the producers ambushed us

'with a challenge.'

"You are stupid idiots."

Er, hello! Ooh(!)

"J-turns and high-speed laps
with the Stig are not relevant.

"In order to determine which
of your cars is actually best,

"YOU will now do some caravanning."

Really?
I knew it would come to this. Go on.

"We have booked one luxury space
at an exclusive caravan site

"in the prestigious New Forest.

"The one who arrives last
sleeps the night."

'The start point was
several miles away from the site.

'So, while James applied some
comedy stickers to his Hurricane XL

'and my Hurricane GTX,
I studied the map.'

So, there's the caravan site.

Now, I could drive to it
on the roads,

but that would be anti-social,
I would hold people up,

people who are going about
their lawful business.

Er, so why don't I just drive
cross-country? I mean, it's...

It's not exactly
the Himalayas, is it?

'With our vans loaded...

'we were ready to go.'

Hey!

CLUNK!

No, no, no, no.

Ah-ha-ha! Yes, the mighty...!

No! No, no, how's he done that?!

'Annoyingly, James had
not only taken the lead

'but he'd also had the same
idea as me about going off-road.'

That's tracking straight and true.

CLATTERING AND SHATTERING

No way Jeremy can get past here.

Trying for an overtake.

Not happening.

Come on, May!

'Soon, we had different
ideas about which way to go.'

Urgh!

It's a bit choppy
but I think it's shorter.

'And with Mr Slowly out of the way,

'I could unleash the
more powerful Mazda.'

Come on!

Ye-e-e-es!

Agh!

Up we go.

It's amazing the ease with which the
CX-5 is pulling the Hurricane GTX.

This is what this car
was designed to do.

Get you the best
plot on the campsite.

Oh, no! No!

'Meanwhile, my shortcut
had got a bit boggy.'

ENGINE REVS

So nearly out.

If I could just get it to climb up
onto that other ratty bit...

That's coming, here we go.

Yes! Ha-ha!

If you've got one of these,
you can do that!

'I, meanwhile, had found a track
where I could go even faster.'

Yeah, that is very quick now.
It's good, looking good.

'However...'

Oh, look at this.

The sheer torque of the
2.2 litre turbo-diesel engine

has ripped the front
from the Hurricane.

'And I couldn't back off because
suddenly James was right behind me.'

Hee-hee!

Coming up on me, he's gaining!

'And then...'

CRASHING AND CLATTERING

Oh, dear, oh, dear. Oh, no.

This is disastrous, I'm actually
driving through Jeremy's caravan!

James, are things as bad back
there as I suspect they are?

Well, let me put it this way,
I've run over your left hand wall.

Oh, and your portable lavatory!

JAMES GUFFAWS

'Then, things got even worse.'

Now we're on somebody's lawn!

Come on, come on,
mighty 2.2 litre diesel!

CARAVAN CLATTERS

Oh, no!

A very big catastrophe
has befallen me!

I could actually overtake now
but this is too amusing.

I've got to...!
JAMES LAUGHS

'Sadly, I was laughing so much,

'I crashed...into myself.'

I've spun!

CLUNK!

'This, combined with
Jeremy's drastic weight loss,

'meant he could scamper away.'

60mph, this is
caravanning at its best.

'And by my reckoning, the site was
now just a couple of miles away.'

Victory now is mine, I will not be
sleeping in what remains of the van.

WATER SPLASHES

Whoa, it's a biggie!

'Worried that I might be
sleeping in my van...

'I kept my foot hard down.'

Hurricane XL holding up well.

Ooh, bloody hell!

Ha-ha! The XL refuses to die!

'I, meanwhile, had
arrived at the site

'and was looking for the
prestigious Plot 200.'

Where's Plot 200, Plot 200?

Yes, in here, by this stagnant pond.

202...201...

Plot 200 is vacant,

which means
I don't have to stay in it. Yes!

HE SIGHS

So, there we are.

After the most exhaustive
caravan test in all of history,

we have established that
10,500 people are just plain wrong.

The Volkswagen Tiguan
is NOT the best tow car.

WHEELS TRUNDLE

Oh, is that James?

ENGINE SPLUTTERS

WHEELS TRUNDLE

JEREMY LAUGHS

No way!

Plot 200, James, it's all yours!

JEREMY LAUGHS

Where's the...?! I claim the
moral victory. Why a moral victory?

I've still got a caravan.
Well, not really!

You haven't got a wheel, where's
the wheel gone? Well, what's that?!

Anybody like a cup of tea?
Yes? Jolly good.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Excellent. Really thorough.

A proper grown-up test.

Guys, I must say,

it was great to see you two
actually being sensible for once.

But, if I might have a word,
your conclusion,

you said the Mazda was best.

But, let's be honest, a 3mph
impact destroyed its intercooler.

That is true. That did happen, yes.

And in fairness, it was so powerful

it actually tore a caravan
to pieces. It did, it did.

And so, on that basis,
I would have the VW Tiguan.

Well, no, you see,
the thing is, I wouldn't,

because a Volkswagen Golf is
£4,000 less expensive than a Tiguan,

so I'd buy one of those.

Then I'd take the £4,000 that I'd
saved to the tip and throw it away.

No, what I'd do, actually,
I'd spend the £4,000

on a fortnight's holiday in
the south of France in a HOTEL.

Have we just done some
actual consumer advice there?

Yes, I think we have. Yeah, we have.

We have also managed to
go through a whole show

without mentioning the Royal baby!

Yes, we have.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

So, on those two bombshells,
it is time to end.

Thank you very much for coming.
Thank you for watching, good night!

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