Top Gear (2002–…): Season 20, Episode 3 - Episode #20.3 - full transcript

Jeremy Clarkson, Richard Hammond and James May are on a mission to take their strong British pounds to the cash strapped people of Spain. They have chosen some discreet, sensitive cars for ...

A dog looks over a wall...

..we drive some chairs...

..and The Stig
does a skid in a supercharged Jag.


Hello, everybody!

Thank you so much.
Thank you very much.

Thank you.


Now, every year we like to take
three of the latest super-expensive

supercars over to continental Europe
to find out which one is best.

But these days, thanks to
the financial crisis over there,

that's proving to be a bit tricky.

MUSIC: "Rule Britannia"

Here in Britain, the economy
is not that great

but from what we understand,
over the border in Spain,

things are absolutely dreadful.

Yes, so it really wouldn't be
appropriate for us to do what

we usually do and turn up in three
million-pound V12 monsters.

No, because that would just look
like we were showing off. Exactly.

Yes, but because it's Spain, and
therefore likely to be very sunny,

we did want to be able to
take the roof off, so what

we've done is we've organised three
budget convertibles for a nice drive

from here in Britain to Madrid.

I've gone for the second cheapest
car in the Ferrari range,

which is not necessarily a bad thing.

It's like choosing
wine in a restaurant.

As we all know, the second cheapest
is always your best bet.

It's the 458 and this is the new
Spider version, available

now for a very reasonable £198,000.

I've gone for the new McLaren

the 12C Spider, which amazingly
is even cheaper.

This is just £195,000.

For that sort of money,
I was expecting a sort of Scout hut

with windscreen wipers,
but I've got sat nav,

I've got air conditioning,
central locking, electric windows,

power steering,
it's really not bad at all.

But when it comes to value,
Iron Man had trumped both of us.

Yes, yes, hello, viewers,

and as you would expect,
I have done it properly.

I've chosen the Audi R8
convertible, the V10 version,

a mere sniff as £121,000.

Although, to be honest,
from where I'm sitting,

I really can't work out why it's
so much cheaper than the others.

I mean, it has the biggest engine,
5.2 litre V10 from a Lamborghini...

It has four-wheel drive, it has
the best standard equipment.

It is the perfect car
for a cash-strapped economy.

Our first port of call, however,

didn't look very cash-strapped
at all.

That's because it was Puerto Banus,
still thriving because

every summer, people from Essex come
here to make themselves more orange.

Their taste may be quiet
and restrained but it's keeping

the local economy going and it also
gave James an idea for a test.

Well, the whole point of a budget
supercar is that it should be

understated, right?

So here's what we do.

You have to drive from here to
the other end of the harbour,

one at a time, and the winner is the
one whose car is least photographed.

James, I'm in a yellow metal
flake convertible McLaren. I know.

Well, it's going to get photographed
all the time. Well, you chose it(!)

After dusk, and with a camera fitted
to record flashes,

James set off, confident his
grey Audi would be like a ghost.



"People of Puerto Banus..."

"James May driving through
your town."

"Now! Get your pictures."

Tweet sent. Yes!

Annoyingly, though, our plan didn't
work very well.

See, it doesn't draw attention,
the car doesn't draw attention.

No flashes whatsoever.

There you go, a successful, largely
photograph-free run.

'The Ferrari attracted quite a lot
more attention.'

OK, that's...

Yeah, I got hit there,
that was a lucky shot.

'..even after I'd finished.'

That does not count! Can I have
a picture of your car, mate?

Then Jeremy set off in his metal
flake yellow McLaren.

Oh, this is astonishing.

A McLaren Formula One car would get
less attention than this.

'Once I'd reached
the finish line...'

No photographs! No photographs here!

'..the producers handed
over the score.'

I'm really tired. Read them out.

Shall I read them out?
Just read them out.

I'm just...
I just want to go to bed.

OK, no need to do
it in reverse order, then.

Do it in the order we went.

OK. Audi, 22.

22 people took your picture.

Is that good or bad? Ferrari...

47 people took your picture.

How many flashes?

Yes, you lost. Bloody hell.
You did lose.



So, as a budget supercar,

McLaren has not done well in terms
of understatement, has it?

No. It's a bit conspicuous.

The next day,
we left the affluent coast

and headed north into what people
call the real Spain.

So, Spain, six million unemployed

and they have a smaller population
than we do.

two million households have no
income at all.

57% youth unemployment.

'Right now, though, James was

'with rather more serious issues.'

The cabin is too blustery.

I've got both the windows up
and I have the windshield thing

at the back up, but my hair
still whips me in the eyeballs.

I know some of you are going, "Why
don't you get your hair cut, then?"

Lots of people have lots of hair.

James has now cured the appalling
buffeting in the Audi

with the simple addition
of a bandanna...

..which makes him look very manly.

'We decided to stop in the next
town for some coffee, and here

'we saw just how badly hit Spain
has been by the financial crisis.'

These are all brand-new flats.

There's nobody here.

I mean, nobody at all.

It's got all of the infrastructure.
Street lights,

pedestrian crossings,
but no people at all.

Look at it.

It's a scene from a horror film.

I mean,
you hear about these ghost towns

but you don't really think
they exist.

'Still, on the up-side,

'the echoey empty streets did
provide the perfect setting

'for a noise test.

'I parked at the far end of town

'while Jeremy fired up his

When I say Jeremy has
a decibel-o-meter,

it's the decibel-o-meter app.

It's probably rubbish.

Slightly worried about this,

because he's got two more cylinders
than we have. Yes.

He's got ten. So that's two more...

And one more cylinder firing per...

Yes. So that's two more...

He's got two banks of five,
we've got two banks of four.

Yes, so he's got two more
explosions per...

Per... Every time there's
firing, there'll be one more.

Yes, but that's on each bank. Yes.

Welcome to Top Gear,
the world's leading motoring show.

Here we go.


105. 105. Yes.

'Next it was the McLaren's turn.'

I'm ready. Oh, good.


You see, start quietly.

Hold it in second so
when we get near the decibel-o-meter

I'm at the top of the rev range.
Here we go.

Yes! Now, that was mighty.

What's my score? 105.

What? 105 again.

What, the same as his? Yes.

That's very much the same, yes.

'With Jeremy still complaining,
I lined up the Ferrari.'

I bet he just floors it
from the start.

Yes, he has. Daft as a brush.

He's got to go as fast as possible.

Stupidest man in the world.

107. Hmm.

Hammond was, as ever,
gracious in victory.

Ha-ha! Come on, it's still more,

and those last few decibels
are harder to get.

It's like the last few miles an hour
because of aerodynamics.

So, wait, that must mean you lose.
It does. No, you got 105...

No, it's budget supercars.

Discretion. The quietist. Yeah.

Really? We've just decided.

So the rules have just changed
at the exact moment at which you lost

and I won.

We never discussed rules.

'Back on the move, we headed for the
Sierra Nevada mountains on what is

'not only the highest road in Europe

'but also one of the most

'This is perfect supercar country.'

When the McLaren MP4 first came out
18 months ago, it was better than

a Ferrari 458 in every measurable
way, but it lacked panache,

it lacked zing, it lacked

it felt clinical and antiseptic.

'Since then, though,
they've made lots of little changes,

'so now there's more noise
and even more power.'

But the big thing is - all that sky!

This is what the McLaren was always
meant to be - open top.

'By taking off the roof, they've
turned the McLaren from a car

'you admire into a car you want.'

Oh, you really, really want this.

There's no denying it,

the Ferrari is down on power
compared to the McLaren.

Overall, it makes about 50 brake
horsepower but it is lighter,

it's the lightest here.

Nevertheless, I am not complaining.

The point and squirt-ability of this

OK, a bit of wrestling to get it
around the corner and then...


Ya! What a soundtrack!

back in the cheap seats...'

Right, serious stuff. This Audi is,
give or take a few quid,

£70,000 cheaper than the other two.

So, why?

Well, it's got a slightly
lower top speed.

It's slightly
slower at 60 miles an hour.

It weighs quite a bit more,

and with the best will in the world,
it does have a second-hand engine.

But it does have four-wheel-drive.

'And then there's the new gearbox.'

It used to be the single clutch
flappy paddle type.

It's now twin clutch, seven

and it is absolutely
fantastic. Listen to this.


A gear, a gear.

Seriously, it is superb.

'Intoxicated by our cut-price
supercars, we climbed higher

'and higher.'

Come on, Hammond,
try and live with this.


God, it announces its arrival!

And the road got better and better.


Look at that!

This road is just staggering.

How much did it cost?




What, that's it?

And stop.
What? Hang on a second!

You know the road was really
quiet? Yes.

Would you like to know why? Yes.

It doesn't go anywhere.
That's the end.

I can't wait to see the road that
leads to a city.

It's going to be absolutely awesome.
It must be if it goes somewhere!


How much money did that cost?
Yes, a lot.

Anyway, what we learned on the road
to absolutely nowhere at all

is just how fast that McLaren is.

I mean, it was fast
when it came out, but now...

It's astonishing and when you're in
a Ferrari you do not expect to

be left behind by anything.

On the straights,
it just walks away.

It was like you were in a Nissan
Micra and I was in a supercar.

That's the straights,
the corners were worse

because following the McLaren,
you watch it go round at a speed,

and you think "I'll go around at
the same speed" and you can't.

It's unbelievable.

Can I just say, the McLaren is epic,
I agree with you,

but in the two tests we conducted
so far, the victor is the Audi.

Yes, it tied with
the McLaren for one of them.

We also did an economy run. And the
Audi won that, as well. Yes, it did.

So, anyway, later on, there will be
more cut-price supercar larks

from Spain. In the meantime,
here is the news.

No, I've got an announcement to
make first. Really?

Yes, last week, in a bid to show
that Britain is not too crowded to

have fun in a nice car, I took
a Ferrari to this road, and I said

that even though this was
just 40 miles from London

in Hertfordshire...


..there was no traffic at all

and you could still enjoy it
in the Ferrari that I was using.

Well, we have been inundated with
complaints, and I do mean inundated.

There have been a lot. A lot.
People were absolutely furious.

"How dare the BBC say this is
Hertfordshire?! It plainly isn't."

Well, you're right,
I admit it, and I apologise.

That is not Hertfordshire.
It's Buckinghamshire, actually.


Nevertheless, well spotted,
all of you, for seeing that.

You were on the ball, there.

Hey, now, we've got some important
consumer news for everybody.

When you go to a car showroom now,
the salesman will try to sell you

lots of electronic bits
and bobs for your car.

Here's our Top Gear top tip -
don't bother with any of them

because they don't work,
any of them.

Bluetooth. Bluetooth never works.
It doesn't.

Hammond uses it and it's like he's
sitting at the bottom of a river.

Well, to be fair, sometimes I am.

Shall I tell you the thing that
doesn't work the most of all?

Voice activation.
That's just a shouting match.

You're driving along, don't have to
take your hands off the wheel.

You go, "Call Richard Hammond."
"Collapsing suspension".

It does!

Oh, it's misunderstood me.

"Call Richard Hammond."

"Deflating tyres."

That's it!

"Reinflate tyres!"

"Reinflate tyres!"
"Calling Richard Hammond."

The problem is that, in the olden
days, when it first came out,

voice activation was just for the
radio or the satellite navigation.

Now it's for every single
feature on the car

and in your life, and it has to
understand every accent

in all of Britain.

"Och aye the noo."

"All right, pet?"


It just can't cope. So, you're
driving along, you go, "Radio Two."

"Accessing bank account."

Oh, no!

"Transferring funds."

God, no, don't!

While we're having a moan,
I don't like electric boot closing.

With you on that. What was
the matter with slamming the boot?

So instead of doing that,
it's just...

The idea is that you press the button

and the boot sets off and you can
get in your car, but it's so slow!

By the time you've got in your car,
your dog had seen its opportunity

and made a break for freedom,
he's in the traffic.

Or worse, it detects your
shopping in the boot

and it thinks,
"That could be a child."

Oh, look, it's a packet of dog
biscuits, it's not a baby.

"Firing airbag in three..."

Don't fire the airbag!

Too much responsibility.

Modern cars are deeply irritating
because of the electronics.

Can I move it on now?

Now, last week
I asked if you would send in

photographs of Jeremy
on his new bicycle.

Because... Well, I didn't expect to
get anything because, frankly,

I didn't believe he'd bought
a bike. I have! Well... I have!

Do you know, I now believe you.

I know you have, because somebody
HAS sent in a picture.

And here he is -
Jeremy on his bicycle.


It's, er... It's working.

You are losing weight.
You're trimming down.

That's not my bike.
I haven't got stabilisers.

Otherwise, it's pretty accurate.

I've got some serious news.

A lot of cars these days have got
a sport button on them, OK?

The idea is you push it
and it makes everything more taut
and more racy, OK?

But I've long harboured
a suspicion that it doesn't
actually make the car go any faster.

So last week we did a test.

They've got a new Golf GTI
down here, which incidentally,

is a brilliant, brilliant car.
Extremely good. It's properly good.

Anyway, we got The Stig,
put him in normal mode,

sent him around the track
and he did a 129.6, OK?

We then put it in sport
which beefed up the suspension

and the front differential
and it made the steering heavier

and it quickened the throttle, OK?
In sport, 129.6.

What, exactly the same?
Exactly the same.

We then put it in comfort mode,
makes everything soft and gooey.

129.5. Fast!


That is confirmation
that the sport button just makes
a car more uncomfortable.

it shouldn't say "sport",

it should just say, "worse".

Now, there's a new supercar.

It is called the...Icona Vulcano.
Here it is.

Jeremy, did you do
that publicity photograph?

That's what
I call a publicity shot.

I love that very much.
Not sure about the car, though.

They say it has a V12 hybrid,
but they won't tell us

where the V12's from or
how the hybrid system works.

All they will say
is it develops 950 horsepower

and will go 217 miles an hour.

Does it? Mmm, mmm.

The reason I brought this car up
is their chief design director,

his name is Samuel Chuffart.

Give over.

It's not.

His name is not Chuffart.
It's not! Chuffart. Lovely.

There's a man with fond
memories of his school days!

Every register, "Oh, no, it's got to
Christian, I'm next." "Chuffart".

"A-ha-ha-ha." I bet the
novelty never wore off for him.

he worked at Jaguar for a while.

I'm not sure what happened there.
They probably had to let him go.

So now he's ended up in Italy,
because that is an Italian firm.

They're actually making
the car in China.

Can you imagine what
the wiring's going to be like?

Chuffart in Italian probably means
"hat penis" anyway, or something.

We actually asked our researchers
to call up this company and say,

"Can you tell us more about
the car?" And not one of them

could get through the beginning bit
of the call without bursting...

The receptionist on the other end
must be used to the phone

ringing and there's
someone laughing,
"Yeah, I'll put you through."

"Hello, Chuffart."

He probably just answers the phone
with the words, "Yes, that is
my name. Let's clear the air now."


That's how that picture came about.

Someone lit a match just after
Chuff farted!

Moving on. Because this week we are
testing the McLaren 12C Spider,

the Ferrari 458 Spider
and the Audi R8 V10.

Let me guess, is it Spider?
Do you know, it is. It is a Spider.

We have chosen budget supercars
because we are in Spain,

where the economic problems
are terrible.

so far we've been to a ghost town.

It had a hospital,
it had a school, had restaurants,

had thousands of houses and flats,
but no people at all.

We've been on a road that
went nowhere.

It was like filming in
a ghost country, actually.

Anyway, we pick up the story
after a night in a hotel in Granada.

We headed north
the following morning,

worried that we'd hit the rush-hour
traffic. However...

So there's only three cars on this
motorway and we're in all of them.

Look at that.
Our own personal motorway.

I've always wanted a motorway.

Since no-one was around,

we thought we would see
how fast our cars would go.

We just need to find a straight bit.

Now, this is quite straight.

At 200 miles an hour, this slight
corner becomes a hairpin bend.

We need arrow straight.

'When we did eventually find a long
enough straight, it had goats on it.

'So we were about to give up
on our top speed run, but then...'

Ooh, an airport.

Chaps, is that an airport? I just
thought... Yes, aeropuerto, it is.

Well, if the runway's as busy
as the roads,

we might be able to
use the runway for our speed test.

God, there's some parking available!

All of it in fact.

Er... Where is everyone?

'We went inside to
look for someone in charge.'



'But the whole place
was completely deserted.'

The computers are all on, look!
I can make a baggage check.

I can log on!
I've got one of those things that
goes... I can check you in!


The wheel's coming off.
My wheel's come off!

Hello. I'll be Lufthansa.
I am sorry, the gate is closed.

Well, can you just open it? Nein.

I haven't got a passport,
I've just got a selection of weapons
and some concealed drugs.

Eventually, though,
we found what we came for.

That is a runway over there,
I believe. Yes.

'But since there was no-one around
to ask for permission to use it,

'we had to improvise.'

Would it be possible for us
to drive on the runway here?

Is there any flight traffic today?
No, it's very quiet today.

I imagine it'll be fine.


With permission granted,
we headed out to the runway.

It's all right, I've got it.
I've got it. It's OK.

I can't do manual labour,
you know that.

Look at that!

It's ours!

The runway was
a whopping 2.5 miles long.

More than enough to max our cars.

Hammond elected to go first.

I'm always nervous
when he drives in a straight line.

"Richard Hammond, can you drive
in a straight line down a runway?

"Yes, what can possibly go
wrong with that?"

Hit the launch control button
with it, in race and manual.

Give it max revs, my right foot.

Left foot off.
Right, we're away!

It does the first gear
change for me, now it's up to me,

and already we're doing 85, 90...

100 miles an hour, that quickly.

Damn, this thing is fast!

Oh, look at the dust cloud.

138, 141.

I can hear the grit
hitting the underside of the car.
There's a lot of it.

Seventh gear has just been hit.
175 miles an hour.

Still accelerating hard.

I can see the line, 186...87, 88.

Come on, Ferrari, accelerate!

Now that is a Ferrari at full chat.
90. 91.


92, 93.

193 miles an hour.
Top speed achieved.

Next up, it was James,

who decided to use absolutely
all of the available space.

Right, here we go. Sport,
sport suspension, air con is off.

Manual one. Here we go at the max.

Right, here he comes now.
Captain Slow is his name.

Or the Italians call him
"Mr Slowly".

That's 80.

I know at some point in that car,
when he's doing his run,

he is saying, "buffeting".


He's moving along
in the right direction.

It's weird to think James May
in that, doing that speed.

A spaniel in control of that.

Indicated 175, 177. Come on!

That said 186.

Knowing that modern-day
speedos are frighteningly accurate,

I knew what speed I had to beat -
Hammond's, 193.

OK, launch control. First gear.
Press launch. Launch active.

Three, two, one. Go!

Oh, wow, that's quick!

80 miles an hour already.

Here he comes.
He's moving at tremendous speed.

140. I'm taking manual control now

to lock in in six.

I don't want to go into seventh

because that will slow it down.

Come on! 191, 193.

194, 195, 196, 197.

197 again.

Well, I'm through
and I've indicated...198.

Victory, therefore, is mine.

though, we weren't finished,

'because James had come up
with an idea.'

It's a drag race,
but because of the weather,

especially what it's doing today,
you have to start

with your roof down and you have to
finish with your roof up.

And that's not quite as simple
as it sounds. Well, no, it isn't.

Because I can operate this roof
while I'm driving. So can I.

He can't. You can't. No, Ferrari,
you have to... You have to stop.

Which means... Hang on! No,
actually this is quite interesting.

I can do 19 miles an hour
and put the roof up.

How fast can you go? 31.

You're joking?
But officially, your roof, I think,
goes up in 14 seconds.

Mine is about 19.
This is very complicated.

So, the flag drops. Yes.

I set off,
but I can only go 19 miles an hour,

while the roof is coming up.
Then I can go. Yup.

You can go to 31 miles an hour...
But I have to stay there for longer.

Because your roof takes
longer to go up. You can't set off
at all until your roof is up.

But then... Go like hell.
Yeah, you launch control
and go like hell. Yeah.

Having settled on a half-mile

we lined up, and our Spanish starter
began the countdown.

Tres, dos, uno...

We begin, we begin, we begin.
I daren't put it in launch.

They're moving away,
I'm not going anywhere!

Less than 19.

18 miles an hour. 19. 18.

Come on, hurry up!

Oh, I have exceeded
the roof speed. Argh!


Oh, God. Struggling for grip.
Windows are going up now.

Roof latched! I am away!

I've passed James. Ha-ha!
Ha-ha! Oh BLEEP!

I did that wrong.

We lined up for a second attempt.

Right, glasses on so I can read
when the roof is latched.

Right, keep your finger on the
button and concentrate on the speed.

Here we go. Keep it below 19 miles
an hour, Jeremy. 18, 19.

I wait until the roof is up and just
before the back hatch goes down,

I'm going to hit the launch control
button. There.

Oh, come on!

This feels astonishingly slow.

19, oh, 20.
Roof operation in progress.

That's down. I can go now.

Roof closed!

I'm changing gear with my left hand.
How multi-tasking was that?

I am passing James May.
They're getting closer to the line.

I think Jeremy is going to cross now.

But I'm getting closer to the Audi
by the second. Hammond's coming!

I'm going to get him,
I'm going to get him!

Second. Oh-ho-ho!

Victory has been mine.

Weirdly, though,
James had a different view.

The Audi's basically won
all of that.

I'm sorry James, I think
you'll find the McLaren
got there miles before you.

Highest top speed, McLaren.
So the McLaren has won both things.

However, could I draw your attention
to a few things?

A completely ruined back wheel,
same on the other side.

I don't need to remind you of that.

Up here we find a very badly chipped
windscreen. Hammond did that.

It doesn't matter who did it,
it's very badly chipped.

YOU also have a very badly chipped
windscreen. Where is it? Over there.

You have ruined wheels.

If you look down here, our cameraman
wants to come and see this.

This bit of the bodywork
has actually been eaten away.

'And that wasn't the only problem
caused by the dust

'and grit on the unused runway.'

Oh, look underneath!

Oh, God!

The Audi, meanwhile,
was totally unmarked.

Why do the Germans put paint on
in such a way that it doesn't

then come off?

Because they are Germans and it is
impossible to paint a car badly.

Conceding James' point,
we got back on the road

and with evening approaching, it was
time to look for somewhere to stay.

Chaps? Yes. I've had yet another
brilliant idea. Have you? What?

instead of looking for a hotel,

why don't we just go into the next
town and help ourselves to a house?


It's not a bad idea.

In the next town,
we started househunting,

and frankly we were spoilt for
choice. I would quite like a view.

Well, that one's garden's all
overgrown. I don't fancy that.

I don't want one with a dog.

How about 53? Do you like 53? Or 55?

As a number, I prefer 55.

'With that settled, we moved in.'
Oh, it's nice!

Oh, no. Junk mail.

Is this a bedroom?
I'm going to have this.

Hasn't actually got a bed in it,
but that'll be all right.

Wow, look at this! I've got a bath,
bidet, bog. Hammond?

Yes? We've found your room. Let
me guess, is it small? It's low.

It's not. Oh, it's an en suite.
Look at that!

I'm happy with that.

'Having brightened the place up
with some decorations,

'Jeremy cooked us a paella
while we discussed our cars.'

If we have to identify the best
budget supercar, it's the Audi,

there's no question about it.

If you have to identify the best
car, it's the Ferrari. No, no, no.

It isn't. Yes, it is. Well, it
isn't. The McLaren is a better car.

It's not a better supercar. You
didn't say supercar. You said car.

OK, best supercar.

Well, now you see that
the best supercar is the Ferrari.

The best car is the McLaren.
Yeah, but if I'm buying a supercar,
I'm buying...

..and the winner of this test,
so far... the Audi. the Audi.

I'd go with that entirely. Yes.
Not very useful for the viewers.

'With dinner served, we carried
on trying to reach a verdict.

'But it was hopeless.'

Yes, it is, but the Ferrari, they've
injected some magic into...

With the roof off, it is properly
good. No way!

£70,000 will buy a cook.

Would it interfere with this debate
if I was suddenly and violently sick?



He's waiting for a photo
to download on his computer.

He's sitting there going,
"Buffering. Buffering."

Now, look, we want to make it
absolutely clear,
that airport is not a film set.

It opened five years ago,
then it went bust,

then it closed down last year. Yeah.

It's amazing, though,
if you think about it.

We all have unused things
lying around -
I've got a bread maker and a wok -

I haven't got an international
airport. No.

About that, did you see what
that runway did to my Ferrari?

Mmm, and you should see
what happens to it later on.

Shouldn't we, Richard Hammond?

I don't think you really want to
hang on and watch that.

Maybe turn over to Countryfile, now.

James... James, would you stay with
Top Gear, or switch over to see
Adam's farm. Let me have a think.

Yes, I'd stay with Top Gear.
I'd stay with Top Gear.

Anyway, that's then, this is now,

and we must put a star
in our Reasonably Priced Car.

Now, my guest, my guest tonight
is best known for dying

and then coming back to life.
But it is not the baby Jesus.

It is the man who played
Sherlock Holmes on the television.

Ladies and gentlemen,
please welcome Benedict Cumberbatch.


Have a seat.
Wow. Wow, wow, wow.

Wow. Thank you very much.

Now, that was a welcome.

That was a welcome from a lot
of people who want to know

how you're not dead?

Well, when I jump off, there's
a helicopter with Mycroft

in it dressed as a woman
and an inflatable skirt.

And then he takes a pill,
which basically
means that the helicopter...

I'm not going to tell anyone.
I can't.

Oh, no, I was really enjoying that!

Cos it was obviously
one of the most written-about

and talked-about events in modern
television history.

I wasn't here.

I sort of missed it.

The furore at home, anyway.
I was abroad.

I heard that it went on for weeks.

It did, you actually fell off a
building and then you're not dead.


Then we saw you dead, but anyway...

When do you find out how that
had been achieved?

I think it'll be some time near
the end of this year,

or at the beginning of next.
That's what we're aiming for.

Obviously, more recently, we've seen
you in the new Star Trek movie.

Anyone seen that?

AUDIENCE: Yes! Absolutely.

And you are a damn good baddie, if I
may be so bold. Thank you very much.

It does beg the question, why are
the Americans incapable of casting

an American as the baddie in any
film? I don't know.

I had a sort of pet theory that they
do vowels, which are sort of warm

and loving and feeling, and we do

which are sharp and
intelligent and thinking.

That's as hippy, mad,
leftfield as I can get with it.

We sound more intelligent?

Sort of, and maybe that's
scary for them, I don't know!

End of my US career!

Yes, I was going to say!

One of the things I must ask is, now
that you've appeared in Star Trek,

do you find yourself being

by those of a Trekkie disposition?

The ones I have
met are remarkably normal.

It is a bit like, "I-I'm quite
a Trekkie fan, actually." You are?

No, that was me pretending
to be one.

Oh, OK! You're such a good actor,
I thought actually you were one!

Fooled you there, Jeremy!
Fooled you there!

I wasn't, actually,
I wasn't a Trekkie.

I watched the first film, I was very
into that, and then I obviously did

a little bit of research as far as
what I was about to do in the canon,

and I really got into it.
It was great to be a part of it.

You do worry about saying that you
like Star Trek,

but I've always liked it, ever since
it was Kirk and Spock,

right the way through,
Jean-Luc Picard.

Yeah, it's a great relationship.
A great relationship. Yeah... No?

I don't see that -
what relationship?

Between Kirk, Spock and Bones.
I think those three...

This is it, if I talk about
a relationship between two men

in a drama, they're immediately
at it.

The worldwide inter-lie will just
go, splat,

there's a load of fan fiction which
has me and John Watson

floating in space in a bed,
handcuffed to one another.

Not just with handcuffs either!

I could write that tonight,
it would be fun!

You're from an acting family. I am,
my mum and dad are both actors.

Mum... Both, actually... My car
history sort of begins with them.

I sort of was introduced to
cars by them...

It's interesting, we've got
a photograph of your mum here, look.

Now, my mum didn't have
a car like that.

That's quite cool. It's very cool.

Is that from a Gerry Anderson?
It is, it's from UFO.

Yeah. No, she was in UFO?

She was in UFO. So that obviously
wasn't her car, that is a...?

No, but she did drive it, and it was
driveable. She had an MGT...

An MGB, I should say, a hatchback.

Not a hatchback,
sorry - a soft top. Yeah.

But all cars before I was born...

When I was born,
it all got a bit sensible.

She had a Mini, which was great.

Cos that was my first car.
Was it? Yeah.

Your first car was actually
a proper Mini, then?

A little Mini. Crash it?

No, but I did reverse after
a night out

over a very large rock on a driveway

and the gearstick just went,
"Thunk," right through the chassis
of the car.

So, next car was a...?

A Golf Mitsubishi Colt from 1982,
hatchback. A Golf?

Yeah. No, not a Golf, sorry.
Mitsubishi Colt.

So, your MGT
and a Golf Mitsubishi! Yeah!

I'm getting my... I'm cross-splicing
in some future world of cars!

There's a lot of car
jumbling going on!

It's a good job I don't do
your job - I'd be rubbish at it.

It's a good job I don't do yours -

I've no idea how to fly a spaceship
or punch anyone.

Or act. That can be taught. I got
taught that. What, how to punch?

Yeah. Hollywood fu, it was great

Do you punch like... Do you punch
with that side of your hand?

What are you doing? When you punch.

You look like you're trying to wipe
a windscreen or something.

No, when you punch somebody,
cos I've often... You sometimes...

Normally, you're quite tight and
it's all from the waist,

but you have to sell it a bit more
for the camera, so you arc it round
a bit.

You could try it. Shall we try it
now? Shall we try a fake punch?


What if it turns into a real one?

I'll give and you receive.


I like being the dominant one.

So, there's the camera. That one?

Facing me. You're actually directing
now! Yeah! Facing you...

Am I ready for this punch? Yeah.

When I get to about there, you can
move your head. But what if I don't?

I'm not going to do that.

Is anybody... Your dry-cleaning
bills when my nose...!

All right. Are you ready? Yes.

OK, and...


Did that look all right?
He knows, they know.

We've had many actors on the show
over the years, sitting there,

but we've never had one who's been
carjacked before.

Oh, really? That's good.

It is, but you were genuinely

I was genuinely carjacked. Yeah.

Scary? How did it happen?

It was very scary.

I have to emphasise,
not just because I love South Africa

and South Africans,

but it was a small event in a very
big country, and we were very lucky.

We were on a bumpy dirt track
and had gone onto the N2,

the major trunk
road down the east coast,

and the front right tyre blew
and these guys surrounded us,

stuff went on with belongings
and we were pushed about a bit.

I was put in the boot of the car,
though, at one point,

and that was interesting.

I thought, "Maybe I could diffuse
the brake lights,

"then the police..."

No, no policeman in South Africa
is going to pull over a car

full of men at midnight to
question a broken taillight.

But it was very scary.

When they got you out again, did
they not put a duvet over your head?

At one point,
stuff was being thrown out the car.

We were underneath this underpass

and these juggernauts were just
charging over

and the sound cover
would be perfect for a quiet pop.

Then this duvet got thrown out, just
went over our head, and I thought,

"Again, it's the pillow thing,

"it's going to be a muffler for
a gunshot."

So I kind of came to terms
with mortality

and dying on my own about four
times in the space of half an hour.

The whole thing
went on for about two hours.

We mustn't put people off southern
Africa. No, we mustn't.

It's a big, beautiful place. It is.

So we could just ignore all that, it
doesn't really happen! Cut that!

Anyway, so, you came down here to
do your lap. Oh, BLEEP!

And how was it out there?
It was really good fun.

The first couple of laps, I couldn't
see the wood for the trees,

but as it went on, I think I got...

I bettered my times later on,

so I was obviously learning
something. How do you know?

People would go, "Mmm."

Oh, just from people's "Mmm"?

I'm told you did more laps than
any guest we've had.

Oh, that's so shaming!

Who'd like to see the fastest lap?


Let's have a look.


Oh, yes.

We are away.

Yippee ki-yay, mother-BLEEP!

A fan of The Hangover is here!

Look at it grip,
with a lifetime warranty.

That's not bad.
Is that all right? Yeah.

It is hot in here.

That's no excuse, come on.

Did you have the air conditioning
off or on? Off. Good man.

A bit wide through there,
maybe costing you half a second.

Gear change, gear change, gear
change, gear change. So...boom.

Yeah, like the Sundance Kid there,
very quick mover! Oh, God!

Bit slow, but at least you're not
skidding about.

You haven't really used all
the track - or, indeed, any of it.

AS OBI-WAN KENOBI: Use the track,

Ladies and gentlemen, Alec Guinness
in the Reasonably Priced Car!

Moved those, that was well done.

And now here it is,
second-to-last corner.

Holy crap, this is scary.

No, that is
pretty much perfect. Is it?

That really is perfect, Gambon.

Ooh, fast. Ooh, fast,
but not Jimmy Carr. Across the line!


Ah, not bad! That is all right.
That is all right.

These are the times we have so far
in our Reasonably Priced Car.

Ooh, crikey.

Where do we think?

I don't know, I don't know.

Maybe faster than Warwick, I'd be
happy with that.

Faster than Warwick, at 1:46.8.

That's where you're aiming.
That's very high, isn't it?

Benedict Cumberbatch,
you...are leaning forwards.


It won't make my time faster,
will it?!

I haven't got much space
left on here!

Then shorten the time!


You did it in one...




Oh! So you're not faster.


I can live with that.
It's in the middle.

What I've got here is a list of all
the other people who've

appeared on Star Trek.

If it makes you feel any better,

Jean-Luc Picard, 1:50 dead.
Oh, dear.

So you're faster than he was.

But the previous baddie in the last
film, Eric Bana, 1:47.5,

and that was in the wet.

Phwoar. So Eric Bana is faster.

I can't really find any
comfort at all for you.

I've just got to come back,
you've got to invite me back.

I basically brought you down here
and ruined your day.

Yeah, yeah! I do apologise for that,

because it has been an enormous
pleasure. Likewise, thank you.

Best of luck with the new Sherlock,
absolute joy.

Ladies and gentlemen,
Benedict Cumberbatch.


Now, tonight, we are heading for

in three convertible supercars.

So far, we've found Spain to be
full of brand-new things that

nobody seems to be using.

Absolutely. We spent
the night in an unwanted house,

where Jeremy had cooked us dinner.

Anyway, we rejoin the action
the following morning.

'After a hectic night on the
lavatory, we headed off.

'But after just 100 yards...'

Oh, I've ruined my Ferrari.

'..I hit a bollard.

'Luckily, though, my colleagues
didn't make a big deal of it.'

Hammond, look out for that signpost
dead ahead of you. Hammond, careful.

Block of flats on the right.

Please kill me.

Breaking a Ferrari is
an especially bad thing.

It's like kicking a rabbit.

Hammond, when we get on
the motorway,

you'll be driving quite fast,

it might be 70 miles an hour, you'll
really need to concentrate there.

Hammond, move right, mind the Armco.

They're never going to give up.

'Sure enough,
the abuse kept on coming.'

Two big metal pillars, Hammond.
Don't... Do you see them? Mind that!

That way! You're all right.

'Happily, after several uneventful
miles on yet another empty motorway,

'we were finally approaching Madrid.'

I know capital cities often escape
the worst of austerity times

like these, so hopefully that'll
still be a busy old place.


Holy God.

Look at it.

There are thousands of them.

This crash was clearly bigger
than ever I realised.

Still, look on the upside - there's
no-one for Hammond to run over.

'And that thought gave me
yet another brilliant idea.'

Nobody is driving on that road.

So what are you suggesting?
Or that road.

What I'm saying is, we turn this
town into a street circuit.

Ship The Stig out, he sets a time in
a car of some sort

and we try and match it.

It's an ambitious plan.

How hard can it be?

A few tyres, bits of barrier.
That's an excellent grandstand.

All the residents - if there were
any - could sit on those balconies
and watch.

Bernie Ecclestone will now be
leaning forward in his chair and

"Good idea."

This is the Madrid Grand Prix,
coming up.

'Having sorted out a course,

'James and I set about making
it into an actual track.'

I can't do them regular
if you're going that fast!

It's uphill. Yeah.
Keep going! Yeah, yeah.

This is Ferrari rosso.

So when you crash into it,

this will effectively repair
the damage you've done to your car.

'Because of my problem with
manual labour,

'I went off to collect The Stig.'

So, this is the start, yeah?

Careful. So this one goes...

James, just do them when I'm...

..getting the...

No! That's... What the bloody hell?


Ah, he's here.

The Stig's here.

Is he all right?

'With the circuit complete and
christened, we unwrapped The Stig

'so he could set a benchmark time in
a supercharged Jaguar convertible.'

Right, are you ready with
the stopwatch, James May? Yes, I am.

Bradley Cooper will start it.

Three, two, one!


That's a dirty, dirty sound.

Oh, look at that!
He's got his tail out,

going round the Rockery of

'Because this was a street circuit,

'it was lined with wheel-killing

'And there was even a speed hump.

'But these things were of no
moment to The Stig.'

Whoa! 57 and a half seconds.



'We then set off on a sighting lap,

'knowing that
if we wanted to beat The Stig,

'we'd have to average at least
60 miles an hour.'

That is alarming there.

'Even though our cars were faster
than the Jag,

'it looked like a tall order.'

OK, here we go, this is it,
you and me, little Ferrari.

Now's our chance,
give it everything you've got.

Three, two, one!

Really fast start.

On the limiter,
round the Rockery of Gibraltar.

Turn it. This thing will grip,

Left that late. Back on the power
as soon as you can.

That was quick.

Now, the chicane. This is monstrous.

Then, thread it through.
That is tight.

And now the final straight,
up towards the finish line.

This is all I've got,
everything I can.

Little Fezza, I really hope I've made
up for crashing you this morning.

'With my work done,
it was Mr Slowly's turn.'

Three, two, one!


Ooh, it sounds second!


James May, ladies
and gentlemen, hit third!

There's a left-hander somewhere.
There it is. Throw him in.

Lord Howard of Effingham.

Oh, tricky gear change with
the gear... Oh, BLEEP!

No-one expects the Spanish
speed hump.

Nice and straight.

Nearly bloody killed me.

it was the turn of the McLaren.'

Active, aero, sport.

Well, this is it.

Three, two, one!

Whoa, that was launch control!

Concentrate, Jeremy, concentrate.

Oh, no!

Massive tail slide there!

And on to the Golden Hind straight.

91 miles an hour there.
Down to second.

Come on, power!



I have to say, our street circuit
was a million times better

than Spain's other one in Valencia.
It's one of the most boring street
circuits in the world. Yeah.

The only problem I had was,
you know the Lord Howard of
Effingham chicane? Yes.

You really wanted first,

but I couldn't ever get it in the
McLaren. Trying to jam it down.

The problem I had is when you get to
the "no-one expects
the Spanish speed hump". Yeah.

You had to go wide and try to hit it
reasonably square, cos if you got it
at an angle,

you'd be banged into the kerb.
And then, you'd smash your wheel
off! Yeah, absolutely. Yes, yes!

Anyway, I have the results here.

And the...well, there's no other way
to put this...


..the fastest car around
our magnificent track was...

the Ferrari! Yeah, it was! It wasn't.


No, it was, cos if you look,
there's the numbers

next to the names, the one next to
mine is the smallest, that means...

No, no, Hammond. The Ferrari was
the fastest in the first lap.

Well, it was a one-lap event.
It wasn't a one-lap event!

No, cos then, we parcel
the cameras away, OK,

and then we kept going,
as you remember, and by the end,

the McLaren was not just faster
than the Ferrari,

but faster than The Stig.

But that wasn't the end, because then
The Stig went out again in the Jag

and was faster than the McLaren. Yes.
Hang on, that wasn't the end either,
because, if you remember,

it then started raining and in the
rain, the Audi was the fastest

because of its four-wheel drive.

This isn't very good, is it?

Well, it's not very clear.

No, what we're saying is,
at various different points,

all of them were the fastest. Yeah.

Anyway, I've got the results
of everything over here,

all the categories.

And speed, yes, we decided
that was a dead heat for all three.

Well, no, I mean, on the night,
it was the Ferrari.
It wasn't the Ferrari...

It was a one-lap event... It was
the McLa... Would you two shut up?


Quietness, that was also a dead heat
between the Audi and the McLaren.

Discretion, the Audi.

Economy, that was the Audi.

Value was the Audi, but...

finally, equipment...

that was the Audi.


A bit clearer, isn't it?

Fairly comprehensive win there
for the Audi. Uh-huh.

So, James May, of the three cars,
knowing what we know now,

which would you choose to buy?

The Ferrari.


Yeah, it's the Ferrari. And you?

Uh...McLaren. Interesting. Really?

No, I'd have the Ferrari. Good.

I mean, the McLaren is absolutely

but the Ferrari is just
a little bit more special.

So what we're finally saying
is we'd all three have a car

that dissolves if you drive it
too quickly.


ALL: Yes, yes.

But on that bombshell, we can end.

Thank you very much for watching.

See you all again next week.
Take care, good night!


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