Top Gear (2002–…): Season 2, Episode 9 - Clarkson Backseat Drives a Vauxhall - full transcript

Tonight - Captain Jean-Luc Picard
at warp point 0.001.

The Dutch make a car!
And be still my beating heart -
a new Vauxhall saloon.

Good evening and welcome
to the show that has wheels.

As I'm sure you know, we have
a test track outside our base here,

which we use to test fast stuff -
Porsches, Ferraris, Lamborghinis.

This week, the S60R -

which is a Volvo.

Don't think we've brought sanity
to our world of noise
and squealing tyres -

because Volvo says this
is a rival for the BMW M3.

To be honest it's hard to see what they're on about.

It has a phone, comfortable seats,
cruise control,



and it feels soft and flobbery...
Iike a big, woolly bison.

It's not fast.
It has a turbo and intercoolers,

but it's still only developed
300bhp -

Iess than you get from the Germans.

It's only when you concentrate
that you pick up the clues.

The big alloy wheels.

The blue engine cover.

The seats - which seem to have been
made out of David Dickinson.

And those three little buttons
on the dash - comfort, sport...

and advanced.

These buttons are the key that
unlocks Volvo's new Skyhook system.

The system has more computing power
than the CIA.

Let's push "sport",

and let's partially disengage
one of the traction controls.



There. Let's see what happens.

At this moment, the computer thinks,

"Wheel's losing grip - need brakes. "

"I've backed the engine power off
and power will go to the back. "

"I'll pump the shock absorber up. "

Then, 500ths of a second later,
it changes its mind!

It thinks, "This has all the power
in the world, I'll unleash it,
I'll get the back brakes on. "

From in here, I have no idea
that any of this is going on.

It's relaxing.

I can just sit here,
listening to the excellent stereo,

and speculate on if these seats
are David Dickinson at all.

They might be an offcut
of Dale Winton.

A choice cut of Dale.

The combination of four wheel drive
and two traction control systems

makes it clever, stylish, likeable,

but a boring, medium speed cruiser.

A rival for the BMW M3?
I don't think so.

The good thing about the technology
is that when you finish clowning,

you can put the suspension
into comfort - bison - mode,

sink deeper into Dale Winton,
and bumble home... in your trilby.

Volvo style.

What happened to the pointless
skidding around, headlights on...

It won't do it! The Volvo bosses
said to their engineers,

"Go away chaps, ignore the usual
Dancing Queen, let's have
Ozzy Osbourne. "

They've just made the S60 safer.

I have the brochure. I've never
seen so many stupid acronyms
for driver control.

DCC wheel-hop control,

DSTC c-r-a-p... can you turn it off?

In a normal car, when you turn
the traction control off,
push a button and it's off.

Not in this.

You can't do it unless you're
"highly experienced".

Then it says you have to push the
button five times, in succession,

"with a certain frequency".
What's that?

Our country cracked the Enigma code,
so we had no problem working it out.

When we'd got it off,
we gave it to the Stig.

Away he goes. The traction control
is completely off.

The suspension is in advanced mode,
which Volvo says makes it like

"a racing car".

Stig's tribute to the
Walrus of Love. Tidy round Chicago.

Not that fast. The real test here -
the Hammerhead.

Plenty of understeer. Not good!

Nothing like a racing car!
Down to the follow through.

That's quick. Ooh, careful, Stig!

Coming up into the penultimate bend.
Lurching a bit there. The Volvo's
four seconds down on the M3.

It smoothes through...
and past the line!

The time was 1 min 35 secs dead.
Whorr! So that goes...

there.

It's 3.2 slower than the M3 - a lot.

Look at it this way.

It's cheaper and less embarrassing
than the M3. Far less embarrassing.

The great thing about the S60 is
that you can have it as an estate.
That is nice.

It's fabulous. I love that.
It's very good.

So what I'd do is buy an Audi S4.

Look what we have - the new Mazda
RX-8, which arrived this morning
on a plane from Japan.

Here's the proof -
Japanese bird poo! With SARS.

You're looking and thinking,
"Very nice. "

"Rotary engine, ?20,000. There's
other coupes I could get for that. "

Sure - Nissan Z-car, Audi TT,
Toyota Celica and so forth.

None can do this. Here's one door.

If you want to get in the back -
look at that! Brilliant!

We're sold on that here.

We wanted James to test it.

He said, "No, I'd rather go
to Germany and drive an American
car that runs on seawater. "

The car's over 100 years old.

In that time, it's evolved nicely.

But let's be honest -
it's never really changed.

Until now.

This is the General Motors Highwire.

It looks like a car, with wheels,
windows.

But it is a revolution
in how a car works.

What makes the Highwire go
is contained...

in an 11 inch deep chassis here.

There's no engine - that's gone.
There's no gearbox.

There's no fascia or pedals,
no link between the driver
and the driving.

It's replaced with this -
a computer cable.

This isn't science fiction.

I'm going to drive it.

You'll notice I've got into
the wrong side of the car.

But it's not a problem.
There are no pedals.

There you go.

I can go to the ferry at Dover
in a right-hand drive car,

and drive off the other end
in Calais in a left-hand drive car.

Let's see if we can make this go.

Power, then select "Drive"
on the button there.

Twist to accelerate...

Squeeze them, and we brake.
That's fantastic.

But this is weird.

It's very airy,
and there's a big floor,

and look at the size of that window!
It's sort of like driving a patio.

This doesn't feel natural. It's
logical, but it's not second nature,

as I'm used to driving a normal car.

But someone in the PlayStation
generation could drive this easily,

on level ten, probably!

Rear-view mirror? Bit 20th century,
so we'll have a TV screen here.

As for door mirrors,
we'll have TVs there too.

Sorry if I'm not talking
in a normal voice,

but I am concentrating very hard
here.

There's only one of these
in the world, and it's worth
about five million quid.

Right. Let's have the top off
this thing, to see how it works.

That's easy. With no mechanical
linkages to worry about,

it's a simple matter
of undoing bolts

and whipping out the computer cable.

This electric motor drives it.
This is the hydrogen fuel tank,

and this is the fuel cell.
In this, hydrogen from the tank

combines with oxygen in the air
to produce electricity.

There are no batteries to recharge
anywhere.

This has its own
on-board power station.

It generates so much electricity
that I could run my house off it.

I could run half my street off it.

But the real stroke of genius
is combining hydrogen power
with bi-wire controls,

because here's something
you can't do with your car.

This is essentially a family saloon.

But what if you wanted a pick-up,
a people carrier or even a
two-seater convertible sports car?

Well... change it!

Go to the dealer, get him to unbolt
this body, and plug a new one in.

It'll only take half an hour. Or
better, get him to bring one round.

The Highwire is made by General
Motors, and they own Vauxhall.

Know what this is?
This is the new Vectra!

Not the next one,
and probably not the one after that,

but one day...

If we forget
all the Tomorrow's World stuff,

the most important thing about
this is the hydrogen power station.

Yeah. It's the fuel of the future.

They say that in 10 or 20 years,
they can do this. 10 or 20 years?

And you get hydrogen from... Salt
water. You make it from salt water.

And all you get out of the exhaust
is... Water. So this is the future.

Remember this moment.
That is the car of the future.

Never mind the future, let's look
at gadgets you can get hold of now.

First up, this. I think this is
going to be exceptionally useful.

I know what that is. You can
put it in the back of your car.

And you can send messages to people.

I've always wanted one of these.
Think of the things you could write!

You get on,
and I'll programme a message in.

What is that? This is an alarm.

It's got a little Formula 1 car,
a McLaren, and it does this.

Imagine it's a one-night stand,
and it's time for your alarm.

TINNY ENGINE WHINE
At seven in the morning!

But better still,
you can then lean across

and press the accelerator.
WHINE GETS MORE FURIOUS

That's not a noise you want in your
bedroom at seven in the morning!

My advice is, leave it.
I don't believe this.

We've broken every gadget... It's
a disaster. It censors your message.

What? It censors your message!
LAUGHTER

It doesn't really? No, look. Watch.

It won't do swearwords.

That's a piece of clever technology,

and the first thing you thought of
to do with it was swear. Genius!

Look at this.
It's a car driving along...

Oh, wow! Look at that!
How does that work?

You can write that on your wheels?

That's witchcraft.
Can it censor that?

Or can I write whatever I like?
LAUGHTER

What's that? It's a stereo. You put
your CD in it in the normal manner,

but it then memorises the contents
onto a hard disk like a computer.

Like an MP3 or iPod. Very much so.

Then you don't have to carry CDs
around. And mine wouldn't be stolen,

because I can put a sticker saying,

"This contains traces
of Barclay James Harvest. "

Anyone who nicked it would go, "No!"
Like those who want drum 'n' bass.

"How do I get it off?"

Can we steal that? They won't
want it back. I'm having that.

What's this rag? This is clever.
This is good. Let me have a look.

This is a shirt. It cost ?2,000.
?2,500. Sorry, ?2,500.

It's made of material
with metal in it,

and it irons itself. Even if you
scrumpled it in your suitcase,

the heat from your body irons it.
Good for sales reps. Just put it on,

and drive with the heater on. It's
got aftershave smell in it as well.

It's ridiculous. It's small size.
Oh, no!

Go and try it on. We want
to see if it works. Seriously?

Even if it doesn't work, boy, we're
going to have a laugh at you anyway!

Thanks, guys! Go on, go and find
a changing room. Go and help him!

Right, that's got rid of Shorty.
Good, as there's only two of these.
This is what I arrived on.

You can stand on it, even though
it's only got two wheels,

because it's got a gyroscope
that balances you.

To go forwards, just lean forwards,
and it goes that way.

Then I brake by leaning backwards,
and then go backwards again!

It's simple. And you can do this.

I'm a dancer. Just turn your
handlebar that way to go that way.

They're made in America, of course,

so that fat Yanks could go to
the fridge without expending energy!

How much do they cost?
They start at ?2,500.

But they're not legal in Britain.

They're not registered for use
on roads, and you can't use it
on the pavement.

They're worried that any idiot
could go out and buy one of these.

Has that man got that shirt on?
I don't know. Hammond?

JEREMY GUFFAWS WITH LAUGHTER

AUDIENCE CHEER

So, Hammond, are you hot? Am I hot?
I'm in a room with 300 people

and 1,000 lamps, and I'm wearing
this! Yes, I am hot! Does it work?

You look like D'Artagnan,
but shorter.

Last week, Jodie Kidd
drove our Suzuki Liana
faster than any other celebrity.

9.05 the following morning,
we had a call from a
Mr Jay Kay of Buckinghamshire,

who'd been leading
for nine months or so

and he said, "I'll be back. "

Mr Kay, there's little point. My
guest tonight travels the universe
at nine times the speed of light.

He is the captain of
the USS Enterprise. Patrick Stewart!

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

How are you? Have a seat.
Thank you. Thank you.

Whoo-hoo! Oh, yes!

You're our most famous guest ever.
This must be a terrible show, then.

There was Richard Whiteley.
Yes, yes...

He's a legend
from Wakefield to Newcastle.

So I'm marginally more impressive?
Yeah. But marginally? Yeah.

Thanks.
I feel really good being here.

I understand you watched last week

and I had a bit of a rant about
using mobile phones while driving.

It's rare to have an opportunity
to take up an argument
with a celebrity such as yourself.

LAUGHTER

I mean, I use the term
"celebrity" very loosely.

What's your beef about using them?

As you may or may not know, I do
spend a lot of my working life -

meaning my driving life -
in California, namely LA.

LA is a very dangerous place
to drive.

You're always vulnerable
to an incident.

Many of these incidents result
from people talking on cellphones.

I saw a woman the other day on the
freeway, where we do 55, 60, 65...

I'm amazed
they can breathe at that speed.

Jeez!

She's talking on her cellphone.
She's steering with her left elbow,

Iike, hooked into the wheel,

because, with her right hand,
she's doing her mascara.

I do that, except for the mascara.
And you need it.
I'm fully made-up today.

I think it was irresponsible.
What I did?

This man talked on his communicator
while being assimilated by the Bull.

LAUGHTER

But I've had a lot of practice,
you see.

I think, "Who are you talking to
in your car?"

And it's a hands-free thing,
which I've got in my car.

What are you doing looking at them?
Where should your attention be?

I'm bored! Driving's boring!
I think, "Look at him! What sort
of geography does he teach?"

LAUGHTER

In his case, yes, you're right.
Exactly. So why are you over here?

You do spend most of your time
in Los Angeles.

Purely because of work. I have
a home in North Yorkshire. And...

I love that! In Skipton?
Near Skipton.

The captain of the USS Enterprise
lives in Skipton!

But why you're here... Yes,
I'm here because it's all changing.

I'm doing a play
called The Master Builder.

It's by Henrik Ibsen and it
stars... myself and Sue Johnston

and a brilliant young actress, less
than a year out of drama school
called Lisa Dillon,

who is "the other woman".
The 19 year old? Yes.

Is anybody here familiar
with The Master Builder?

The BBC's slated for its lack of
arts coverage, we can rectify that.

You invite me onto the show, knowing
that I'm doing The Master Builder.

Here's what most people,
here's the connection -
Henrik Ibsen, famous playwright,

and distinguisehed Formula Four
and rally car driver.

Yes!

Very few people know about this,

which is why my being on this show
is appropriate.

He was clever, seeing as he wrote
plays before they invented the car.

That was the early stages
of his career. So he went on...?

He gave up the writing after
The Dolls House. He just got bored.

The Scandinavians
are great rally drivers. Absolutely.

It all began with him.
It's a little known fact.

Oversteer and Ibsen on
the same show! That is culture.

The Master Builder is an architect
who builds a big tower
and jumps off it.

That's the essence of the play.

In a sentence, yes it is,
but it does miss out...

It misses out some critical factors.

It's about a very successful
and powerful architect,

who is at the emotional point of
implosion when the play begins.

Into his tortured existence,
he's married - to Sue Johnstone -

appears this...
Beautiful 19-year-old girl.

She says. "Ten years ago, you said
I was your princess and in ten years
time you'd come for me.

"Here I am. "

And he jumps off his tower?..Yes.

This man wrote a play about a duck
that gets shot. Yes.

Your plot lines
on the Enterprise were better.

Now, cars. Yes! Why we're here.
Absolutely.

You do love your cars.
This much is obvious. Yes...

There's one primary reason.

We were quite poor when we grew up.
My parents never owned a car
and didn't drive.

In my street,
only one family owned a car.

The Cloughs had this SS Jagwar...

Sorry, Jaguar. It's living in
America. You learn to say "Jagwar".

Unlearn it now,
because we're back in...

Yes, I know where we are. Not only
was this a fabulously beautiful car,

but the Cloughs
had an attractive daughter...
You never know who's watching.

I hope she is watching.

Valerie, are you still out there?
She's behind the sofa.

You missed out, Val.
So what happened?

We would make out in the back of
the SS Jaguar, so it wasn't just...

By that, I mean, you know...

Heavy petting, as the term is.
LAUGHTER

I wasn't quite sure
which excited me more,

the heavy petting
or being in the SS Jaguar.

I should have been excited
by the Jaguar.

It's the double whammy, isn't it?
That's the great thing.

You do love your Jags. I do, yes.

I'm on my second now. I've had
this one for almost 14 years.

I bought an XJS,

the 12-cylinder, the big monster,

convertible, in 1989
and I simply couldn't get rid of it.

There's no more beautiful
production car.

It's British racing green. It has
wire wheels which are a nightmare.
To clean.

I don't have to clean the wheels.
He's on more than 130 quid a week.

I have a wire-wheel cleaning man
who comes to me to clean.

Is it the car you've bequeathed?
Yeah, it's named in my will.

I told my son he would get it.
He's getting sod-all else, mind you.

And it isn't worth that much.
Frankly, he'll get ?1.50, won't he?

On the other hand,
look at it this way.

It is Captain Picard's Jaguar
and that's got to do something.

?2.50.
LAUGHTER

Can you have fun driving
in America? I find it tricky,
ignoring the phone malarky.

Well, if you find it fun
to practise defensive driving -

you know what I mean -
then it can be fun.

You always expect the worst.

What I enjoy are the long road trips,
driving out into the desert.

I love going to Northern California
and taking several days.

But where are the corners? There...
On freeways you don't get many.

There is one famous place,
at least for Angelinos.

There's a section of Sunset
Boulevard, just in Brentwood,

before Beverly Hills.
You know what he's talking about.

He doesn't, he's no idea!

There are these three banked corners
on Sunset - "Dead Man's Curve".

You've got... a right-hander,
a left-hander and a right-hander.

They're steeply banked
in the right direction.

Those of us who love it,
we hang back,

for gap between the cars in front,
as you approach, hit the gas

and hope that there's no police cars
watching.

You can do these turns
as if you're in a Formula One car.

The problem is a homeowner there
has a sprinkler system

and...

and it come on,
so you can hit this at 12am

and the road
suddenly becomes like glass.

No traction control on your XJS?

No traction control on that.
My wife has a Mercedes CL500,

which is an extraordinary vehicle.

You'd be safe in that. Panzer tank.

No, the Cl is not a tank, actually.
It's a heavy thing!

It's a two-door.
Weighs more than the Enterprise.

So you've been out in the Suzuki
Liana. How do you think you got on?

I'm not too optimistic...
I know, I know.

I would love to beat Gambon. Gambon?

His time was 1.55, but in the wet.

You'd like to have beaten him?
He's a colleague and fine actor,

but I would like to see him
eat my dust.

He did a spectacular manoeuvre.

I know. Two wheels around the
corner. Shall we find out? Play it.

That's a great sight -
you off the bridge and in a Suzuki.

Ooh, serious.
How did you find the car? Ordinary.

Sliding a bit wide, bit too
much power, if I might be so bold.

I look good, though. You do.

This is the... The hammerhead.
That's...

That's where Jodie Kidd was quick,
because she wasn't overdriving it.

Ooh, that's very fast.

Here we are,
coming up to Gambon corner...

and you're across the line!
CHEERING

So, you wanna hazard a guess? No.
Whiteley....

Two years. Two light years actually
and six warps or whatever it is.

Well, in fact, you did it,
and welcome
to a very exclusive little club,

in one minute, 50 seconds.
Same time.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

No kidding.

That's the same time as me, as
Jamie Oliver and as Gordon Ramsay.

I think that's a reasonable time,
don't you?

LAUGHTER
You've just made me very happy.

I might buy the show out and go on
the town. A second ahead of Gambon.

Yesss!

Ladies and gentlemen,
Patrick Stewart! Thank you.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Right...

Earlier on, we looked at
some pretty impressive gadgets,

but here's the best gadget
of them all.

The Carver. So it's
a sort of a bike thing. Well, no.

It's got car wheels on the back and
standard car controls to drive it.

And 0 to 60 takes eight seconds,
which in bike terms is a week.

So it's a sort of a car? Well...

no, it's not a car,
because it does this...

Whoaarr!

Sensational!

It's got a 660cc turbo-charged
engine that's good for
115 fun-filled miles an hour.

Help! I'm falling over!

Trust me, that's enough.

I'm in an insane machine!

It may look like
a piece of lunatic fun,

but it's actually very difficult
to tilt.

It uses hydraulic rams that allow
it to go over at ridiculous angles.

You can end up at 45 degrees,
which... Well, that's madness.

It then gets tricky. The engine
is in this bit, that doesn't tilt,

you're in the bit that does tilt
and it's all got to connect up.

That's one of the reasons
why it's so complicated
and also why it's so spectacular.

The tilt isn't determined
by how far you turn the wheel.

It's how hard,
so if you tip the wheel hard,

you tilt.

But if you're gentle,
it doesn't tilt so much,

so at slow speeds, you can turn it
for a full lock and it stays level.

But if I get more aggressive,
it all goes insane.

I am in a road-going fighter plane!

I want guns,
something that fires missiles.

Go out for a bit of a dogfight,

because one thing's unlikely
ever to happen...

You won't come across another one.

The Carver is the result of
11 years' design and development

by those crazy, sexy Dutch.

And they believe it could herald
a whole new way of motoring.

Now, the bad news is...

it's not cheap - ?22,500, but...

this is the gadget
to end all gadgets.

STAR WARS THEME
It's insane!

Who could possibly need one?

Me, actually. Definitely.

And the roof comes out of it.
It's a convertible thing.

The best thing is you know it comes
from a place where drugs are legal.

It could only have been the Dutch.

You can see them listening to Bob
Marley and someone says, "Cars -
too many wheels, let's lose one".

My favourite Dutch story
is they had an explorer years ago

called Abel Tasman, who went to
the South Seas to find new lands.

He found Tasmania -
that's named after him, he found
New Zealand and the Fiji islands.

He MISSED Australia!
It's easily done.

IN DUTCH ACCENT: I was having
a smoke, went right past it!

It's unbelievable. Then they
brought it over to this country.

Because it's not a car, not a bike,
the bloke in a suit over here,

he didn't know what to do. So as
a result, you don't need a helmet.

No, my wife drove it. There you go.
I had one of these last weekend

and I have to say, hand on heart,
I've never had so much fun in a car.

And I don't think I'd tire of it.

You never tire of people coming
around going, "Can I have a go?"

The kids were like, "Let's have
another ride in that car. "

When it leans, it really, really
banks over. And you have these
warning lights. Did you show those?

Warning lights on the dashboard.

It goes through the green bit and
into the red when it leans too much.

It said in my letter, "And this
is good fun! " It gives you a target.

Two red lights...four! The kids go,
"How many lights have you got on? "

"All of the red ones! "

Oh! I loved it.

The great thing was I went to
a party... What, in this? Yeah.

And as, I admit,
I may have had a sherry or two...

You didn't? Yeah, and decided
I wouldn't drive back in this.

My wife said she'd drive, and that
meant... You were a passenger? Yeah.

You're joking.

No. I don't believe you.

I tell you, I can get in the back
of this. Shall I do the seat?

Yeah. There is an art to getting in.
You are joking.

To do it in a crazy, sexy way.
Oh, you see, look.

I can't believe it! I'm getting in.

Do you see, this is...

This is a country where a gay
marriage is legal.
He is my partner and also my lover.

Lift your foot. Look at that!
That's marvellous. It worked.

Oh, mate, I'll never get that
out of my mind -

jammed between Jeremy's thighs
in a Dutch three-wheeler!

Now you may have read in the paper
that Britain is one of the cheapest
places in Europe to buy a new car,

and that manufacturers want to
increase prices by 3%.

In fact it's irrelevant
because you'd have to be a donkey

to pay the full list price for any
car in Britain. Speak your mind!

The Saab 93 two-litre turbo -
?1,900 off.

The Audi TT, the 225bhp version,
?2,500 off. This gets better.

BMW 320 diesel, ?3,500 off.

Mercedes C-Class 200 auto,
?5,500 off. No!

This is my favourite - the Maserati
4000 GT Spider, ten grand off.

Now, Fiesta-size cars. This is
the biggest market in Britain now.

It's been growing for five years
but it's still oversupplied.

Think of ?1,000 off
a Ford Fiesta or Ka.

?1,500 off a Vauxhall Corsa Active,
?1,100 off a one-litre Lupo,

over ?2,000 off a Toyota Yaris,

top spec, 1.3 litre engine.
Lovely car.

From the front,
this looks like a Vectra.

Under the bonnet it has the same
choice of engines as the Vectra.

And under the body, the chassis
is the same as you'll get
in next year's Vectra estate.

It even feels like a Vectra
to drive.

Apart from these silly indicators
that have a mind of their own,

it's a collection of elements
from the periodic table.

This, however, is not a Vectra.

With its shapely but large
J-Lo rear end, this is the future.

This is the new Vauxhall Signum.

The most obvious difference
is this panel in the roof

which contains storage bins.

Now, this one is very useful
for storing sunglasses.

These two here, it's difficult to
fathom what you might fit in them.

Nothing you normally keep in a car
would fit. Road maps, CDs,
boxes of tissues and so on.

The only thing I can find which
fits is a stick of celery which...

Look at that, perfect.

And that shows

a level of thoughtfulness we've
not seen from any other car maker.

In every other car I've driven,
the celery rolls around,

getting in the way
of major controls.

No, really, who else provides
storage for celery? Not even
the new Rolls-Royce has that.

But the biggest change
with this car is found in the back.

You get a lot more space
than you do in a Vectra.

And these seats slide forwards
and backwards and they recline

and they fold flat.

But there are only two of them.

In the middle, in this base model
which is ?18,000, is a drinks tray

or an arm rest, or nothing at all.

In the more expensive models which
go up to ?25,000, what you get here
is a fridge and a DVD player.

So, this is a wonderful car
for people in the back.

And that's great -
apart from one small thing.

I've come to the M40
on a Tuesday morning at 10.45.

And I'm going to give ?1
to the Donkey Sanctuary in Devon

for every car that drives past here
in the next hour that has
someone sitting in the back... No.

No.

No. No.

Discovery, seven seats,
and... one person in it.

No, no, no. Vectra. Still no.

Think of the donkeys!

No. Yes!

Right, time's up. Let's see how
much we've raised for the donkeys.

?4. Four cars, in an hour,
with someone in the back.

So why has Vauxhall made a car
for a market that doesn't exist?

They say it does. They say
they did lots and lots of research

and they found lots of people who
wanted tons of space in the back
of their car - but only two seats.

And all these people had one thing
in common - they were all men.

But I understand that. First thing
I do when I move into a new house,

forget the curtains
and the carpets and the cooker -

you get your TV, your stereo
and your PlayStation up and running.

It's fine to have a fridge-cum-DVD
player instead of a seat.

It's the obvious thing to do!

Mumsy cars have lots of seats
and are as sensible as big knickers.

But this has lots of gadgets so
it's the world's first dadsy car.

The first car ever made

which only works
if you're sitting in the back.

Now there are problems with that.

Like, you won't get a chauffeur
to drive what is basically a Vectra.

And if you can afford a chauffeur,
you won't have a car like this.

However, the great thing
about being a man

is that I can improvise.

So, what I have here is a hoe

and another hoe

and a long, extending arm thing,

and some string and some duct tape,

and a clamp.

And I think this is going to work.

Right.

Attach the end to this prong
of the steering wheel.

SOUND OF DUCT TAPE BEING PULLED
Made in Germany so it's strong.

Where are my scissors gone?
And then we need the hoe, this one,

the one with the extending arm.

Good.

Think I've thought of everything.
No...

SOUND OF DUCT TAPE BEING PULLED
That's very good.

This is a work of genius.
I've got this to operate the gears.

This one does the clutch.
This is for the throttle.

ENGINE ROARS
And that does the brake as well.

This is the piece de resistance.
This is my steering. Look at that!

So, all I have to do now is test it.

And I shall give ?1 to the Donkey
Sanctuary for every mile I cover

without crashing.

OK, here goes. Handbrake off.

And, um... clutch... Clutch in.

Into first.

And, er... Everyone out the way.

Here we go. Oh, that's a problem.

If you want to go right you must
pull left. Little bit of throttle.

Away she goes... Second.

Nice.

IT WORKS!

IT WORKS!

APPLAUSE
Stop!

No, this is wrong! Thank you,
everybody, thank you. No!

Because it didn't work. It did!

It didn't work the first time.
It went a bit wrong...

You crashed. I slightly went
into a field. And crashed.

And slightly broke the front.
The cameras weren't rolling
for that first take

but this is better because
I have the insurance claim form.

"Where were you at the time
of the accident? " In the back!

And on that note,
it's time to end the show.

Good night!

Subtitles by BBC