Top Gear (2002–…): Season 19, Episode 2 - Episode #19.2 - full transcript

Top Gear S19E02
Western USA Road Trip

Corrections by Wally73

Tonight, I point at a thing...

..Richard walks through a shop

and James has some bananas.

Hello! Hello, everybody.
Thank you.

Thank you so much.

Now, every so often we like to
remind ourselves that this is

a motoring show.

So, we get three really nice cars
and go for a long drive.

And what we do is, we take it in
turns to choose the location.



So, if it's my turn,
we usually end up in France,

if it is James's turn
we usually end up in...

1953.

Tonight, though,
it was Hammond's turn.

So guess what?

Our meeting point was
the Valley of Fire in Nevada.

And what you see here
is the car I'll be using.

This is a Lexus LFA.

It's not the most powerful car
in the world, it's not the fastest,

it's not the best looking
and it certainly isn't the cheapest.

Plus, the Lexus badge does come
with a whiff of masonry.

But I drove one of these
in England last year

and I emerged from the experience
thinking, "That might very well be

"the best car I've ever driven."



And that's why we're here.

To find out.

At this point,
the stillness of the desert

was shattered by the sound
of an approaching James May,

who was at the wheel of the new
Aston Martin Vanquish.

That's the most beautiful thing
I've ever seen.

It's not bad, is it?

This is a DBS replacement,

but also a bit inspired by
the 177, million pound thing.

And look at the upholstery!

I know, the upholstery
is outrageous.

That's the best looking Aston
there's ever been, actually.

Best one they've done.

That, though, cos I've never seen
one in a good colour like that,

that is pretty fantastic.
No, but yours is better.

And the great thing is,
I'm in the better car

and I'm just going to follow you
around going, "That is beautiful."

'After a bit more
mutual mastication,

'we started to wonder what
Billy Bob Hammond might bring.'

Will it be something subtle,
small, European?

No, my money was on something
rather large,

brash and maybe even American.

'And blow me down, I was right.'

So... The new Viper.

You? Yeah.

I know it looks exactly like the old
one, but that is the new Viper.

Yay. Subtle.

Before you two start, let me just
tell you, that 8.4 litre V10,

that's the largest engine
ever fitted to any production car

since the war.
And looking around here,

let's not forget,
this car is the fastest,

with the highest top speed,
it's the fastest to 60,

the most powerful, 640bhp,

it's got the most torque
and the biggest engine.

I'm sorry, Hammond.
They haven't styled it.

This has been in a wind tunnel
to look like this!

If that's been in a wind tunnel,

they parked it in there sideways
for all the good it's done.

It's been in a wind tunnel.
Look at the panel gap.

I'll stand behind you,
have a look at it.

Let me see if I can see how many
fingers you hold up in that panel gap.

There has to be a gap
between the panels or

there'd be one piece!
Let's have a look at yours.

That looks ridiculous. It's a Lexus.
It's just a nerd-fest. It's a Lexus.

It's for rich golfers, is what it is.
I admit, the Lexus...

If you want to talk about panel gap,
there's a whopper straightaway.

It's a cooling system!
Is it heck, it doesn't fit.

I'm surprised at you cos this is
a bunch of retro nonsense, really.

No, I'm sorry, I won't have that.

It's very pretty, yes,
but it's harking...

It's harking back to the past

and a car with an engine
from the 1930s isn't?

This is a nerd-fest, that's for
old fools, that is a proper,

honest Gran T... 8.4 litre V10.
You don't need it to be that big!

Hang on a second. Who owns Chrysler
now, the people that made this?

Fiat. What else do they make?

Ferrari. There you go.

But, Hammond, All-Bran is made by
the same people who make Frosties.

It doesn't mean they're comparable!
That's a stupid...

It's not! Right, look.

I knew I would get some flak...
Shush. Shush.

Instead of just standing here
arguing... Yes.

..why don't we go for a drive?

That's a better idea. Open the taps.

'Straight away, though,
there was a problem.'

Not again. Hammond, why do
you like it in America so much?

Every nice piece of road
has an 8mph speed limit on it.

I don't know, don't ask me,
it's not my fault.

Yes, it is.

I mean, what are we going to hit?

What are we going to hit here?
There's nothing.

No wildlife, no people.

This is stupid. It's stupid!

'Eventually, though,
the 35mph hour limit ended,

'and thanks to some trickery
in the edit,

'we were able to take our cars up
to a dizzying 55mph.'

There it goes.

This isn't just an engine,
it's a force of nature!

Let's see what a proper V12
feels like.

Nice is the answer.

The engine in this is so exquisite

that it revs from idle to 9,000rpm
in 0.6 of a second.

In fact, it revs so fast

they couldn't fit a conventional
rev counter.

It had to be electronic, because
a normal one simply can't keep up.

Right, let's sort something out
right from the start.

James's Aston Martin costs £190,000.

Jeremy's Celica, £340,000.

This - £75,000 or thereabouts.

That is a huge difference!

It does all the fancy stuff, too,
it's got all the fancy materials,

carbon fibre, aluminium, magnesium -
they're all in here.

'But when it comes to technology,

'neither of their cars is a match
for the howling LFA.'

It took five years of sweat,
toil and cash to design this car

and then just before they put
it on sale, someone said,

"You know, I think it would be
better if the body was made from

"carbon fibre rather
than aluminium."

And they began all over again.

How much would that cost?!

All I do know is,
they sell them for £340,000

and they lose money on every single
one that leaves the dealership.

'By the time Jeremy had stopped
droning on about his Celica,

'we were on a motorway

'and I got the distinct impression
I was playing gooseberry.'

I'd like to say that, from the back,
particularly in that colour,

and in fact this light,
the LFA looks absolutely epic.

I mean, seriously.

Ooh, that makes a lovely sound.

It makes a very nice noise,
your Aston Martin.

God, why don't you two
just get a room?

"Your car looks nice!"
"Your car sounds lovely." Ooh!

'But they didn't get a room.

'Instead, they stopped
to look at a silly aeroplane.'

James? Yeah, yeah. B-2? Yeah.

That's amazing, isn't it?

That is a B-2 stealth bomber
coming into land at...

Actually, he's turning
to come over us. Yeah.

We're not supposed
to be able to see it, are we?

I don't think it works!

'As the sun began to set,
we were back on the road,

'heading for the Las Vegas
Motor Speedway.

'Here, you can drive a NASCAR
round the oval,

'or you can learn the racetrack
on a Ferrari simulator

'before doing it for real
in an actual Ferrari car.

'But Jeremy decided
we should go to the drag strip.'

God, that's loud!

Argh!

'We couldn't understand why,
because it just seemed to be

'a lot of very noisy modified cars,
which we all hate.'

Look, there's another one come in
dressed as a policeman.

No, they really are police. What,
genuinely? They really... I promise.

There they are, police sheriff
and the fire department.

They invite kids down
to race against them

to stop the kids racing
on the streets.

So they race the actual police?
That was a police Mustang.

They've modded, the police have
modded it and then say to kids...

"What you got?" "Can you beat us?"
They actually call it Beat The Meat.

No, it's probably Beat The Heat,
cos heat means... Yeah, I meant that.

'To prove that modified
cars are idiotic,

'Jeremy decided to take on
the local sheriff.'

Yes, look, I'm up against
some crummy pickup truck.

This is going to just be...

..well, deeply embarrassing for him.

That's there?!

'After this humiliation,

'I took on the state trooper
in another pickup truck.'

OK, now, come on, Richard,
concentrate.

Where's he gone?

'Having watched the fire department's
motorcycle demolish a Honda NSX...'

'..James wisely decided to take on
a youth

'in a clapped-out Mitsubishi Evo.'

Yes, for England!

I'm going to do it in D and Sport,
I'm going to use Launch Control.

Try not to look smug, James. Try not
to look smug. Practise your face.

Hang on a second.

All-wheel drive beats
rear-wheel drive.

God, he just sodded off.

Woo! >

Now, come on.

'Having spent the entire evening
losing to absolutely everything...'

Pick on a weak one!

No!

'..we decided we didn't like
drag racing

'and went into Las Vegas
to do strip billiards instead.'

Humiliating.

I can't believe, I still can't
believe that I was beaten

by some bloke who had spent 1,500
quid modifying an ancient Mitsubishi.

No, but the reason we hate modified
cars is cos we know,

if he tried to do it again,
his engine would go "BANG!

"Clatter, clatter, clatter," and
that would be end of that. True.

I'll tell you what I think's funny,

imagine the British police
trying to do Beat the Meat.

Heat! Heat!

"Right, I've tuned up
the Astra Diesel.

"I might get 120 out of it
down the straight now,

"who wants to take me on?"
What a spectacle.

But anyway, the most important thing
is to reveal now which of the cars,

our cars, was the fastest
and it was mine.

Er, yours was the most expensive.

It was the fastest.

Listen, on paper
the Viper is the fastest.

Yes, on paper,
but, Hammond, on tarmac...

..mine was the... It was,
it just was. User area...

Anyway, we'll pick that up later on
but now we're going to do the news.

Yes, we are. I've had
another theory. Good.

God. No, you love my theories.

OK, this one, you know Jessops
and HMV and Woolworths and Comet,

they all closed down recently?
Yeah, Jeremy, this is a car show.

Yes, yes, bear with me, OK?

And everyone is asking,

"Why are people shopping in retail
and out-of-town centres

"and town centres are just
becoming boarded-up shops

"and women in short skirts vomiting
and catching herpes?" Right?

There's a very good reason for this.

It's cos when you go to an
out-of-town retail centre place,

you can park your car.

When you go into a town centre,
you can't.

Right, so what are you suggesting?

It's easy to fix Britain's
town centres.

Rip up every double yellow line and
sack every single traffic warden.

The problem is solved.
Why wouldn't you do that?

Everybody's running around going,

"Town centres are dying,
what should we do? It's easy!"

But if you allow people to park
anywhere in the town centre,

it'll become impossible to get in
or out. Rubbish! It's true.

So you think parking restrictions
are just out of spite?

Well, what else are they for?

They go, "Hey, we did really well,
we got a £12 revenue today

"from our parking restrictions."
Meanwhile, every shop is shut.

We need to have a more French
attitude to parking.

Cos the rule in France is,

if there is a space that a car will
go in, you put your car in it.

Even if it's on a mini roundabout,
that is the rule.

James, why aren't we
running the country?

Why are we presenting this programme
with Noel Coward, more to the point?

You were Mr Toad last week,
you really are moving around.

Right, we've sorted parking. Good.
You haven't!

Now, the next problem we face
and this is a big one...

You know when James
is telling you something

and you start to feel drowsy?
God.

Yes, it's like you've had
a whole bottle of red,

five portions of shepherd's pie
in front of a fire.

Yeah, and it's embarrassing.
It is embarrassing.

He's in the middle of a story
and you nod off. It's awkward.

It is awkward. However, it's all
going to be solved with this. £8.99.

You clip it on your ear, OK?

Right. Sitting still.

James. Explain torque. Torque?

Torque is fantastically simple, Jeremy,
it's just a force at a distance,

that's why it's in pound-feet,
for example, or newton metres.

It's waking me up as well,
what's the point of that?

I can hear him now. It is, I'd
rather be asleep with his lectures.

No, they also say it can be used
for drivers.

So when you're driving you can
have it on your ear

and if you nod off,
it'll wake you up.

But, and you'll love this bit,

it says in the blurb it could be
used by airline pilots. What?!

Really? That's some comfort,
isn't it? It's reassuring, I think.

Mid Atlantic, thinking, "It's OK
because the fate of me

"and all these other souls
on board this jumbo jet

"lie in the hands of a £7.99..."
8.99!

".. £8.99 Chinese-made ear beep."

I don't actually know how much
a Boeing 747 costs,

but I'm pretty sure the price
isn't something 99.

But there's no component
of it that's something 99.

Can you imagine if they said, "An
announcement now from the flight deck..."

Argh! Wake up!

Wake up! It is a stupid idea.

It is a stupid idea.

Now, while I was driving down here
I saw one of the new Jaguar F-types.

Have you heard about this?
The new Jag small sports car.

Got a picture here. It is a
beautiful looking thing. Yes.

And actually, it's even better
looking from the back.

I mean, that is a sensational
looking thing.

But I'll tell you what surprised me
about it,

is I thought it was
going to cost 40,000,

the same as a Porsche Boxster
or a Mercedes SLK.

It's going to cost between 60 and
80,000, and even on the top models

you pay extra for heated seats
and keyless entry and so on.

I'll tell you what
worries me about that.

I bet they have set that up more
for handling and less for comfort.

Mm. Which will be a mistake.

God, it's for younger people.
That's the...

It isn't! It is. It isn't!

Younger people spend 150 quid
on their cars, not 80 grand.

The only person who can spend 80
grand on a car is in their 50s.

That car, Hammond, it is... Yeah,
well, us, but it is made for people,

exclusively for people, who make
a noise when they sit down.

You go to a Jag dealership to buy
that and they'll say,

"Mr May, take a seat."
And you go, "Thank you.

"Ahhhh. Yes!"

Sold! God... That car is
for people who watch TV OR text.

Not both at the same time.

You do realise you two are
now officially the oldest

people in the world!

Hammond, we can't all be 36
forever, mate.

I like it, I'm sticking with it.
Now, news from Citroen.

They've developed a car
that runs on compressed air.

No, I've been reading about this

and I have literally
no idea how it works.

I saw you reading about this
earlier on today and you know

when somebody's eyes glaze?

His looked like they'd been
painted on.

It's undecipherable. And you could
see the words ricocheting off. Ping!

They wouldn't go in, I can't work
it out. I can't work it out.

It's simple. It's a bit like...

Explain it to me then, James.

It's like a hybrid, like a Toyota,

but instead of generating electricity
under-braking when going downhill,

it compresses air, which then...

It wakes me as well!

How does...
No, this is what I don't understand.

Why don't they just put,
you know those scuba divers tanks

on the back and then they shoot air
out and it'll make it go along?

Because that wouldn't work.
It would!

What about fire extinguishers?

You put two fire extinguishers
on the boot lid,

when you set them off it would
make the car move forward.

Technically it would,
but it's extremely wasteful.

To go round our track, you'd need a fire
extinguisher the size of Hazelmere.

No, no, no.

No, because fire extinguishers
are full of carbon dioxide. Yes.

Well, engines produce carbon dioxide

so you'd endlessly refill
the fire extinguisher.

You can't use carbon dioxide
from cars to power cars.

Isaac Newton said it would work.
I'm going to prove it.

I'm going to prove it.

What goes on...? Give me this...
Right. What goes on in his head?

Move back. Move back, move back.

Back!

Because seriously, I'm going
to rocket across the studio floor.

Are we ready, everybody?

Here we go.

Why's it doing this?

Why is it doing that?

Newton said the opposite
of any reaction... No.

Every action has an equal and
opposite reaction, yes. Rubbish!

Every action makes you spin
round in a lazy circle.

Clever or not, you can't expect him
to have foreseen a gigantic,

idiotic ape in an office chair
with a fire extinguisher, can you?

Shall we move on? Yes!

Because tonight we are involved in an epic drive
across the western United States in a Lexus LFA,

an Aston Martin Vanquish
and the mighty Viper.

Yes, and when we left the action
earlier we were with

the Las Vegas Police Department,
taking part in some drag racing.

The idea being that if you race on
the track, you won't feel inclined

to race between the traffic lights
out on the streets.

So, had it worked?

Ahhhh!

You know we're supposed to have got
this out of our system, don't you?

We've been on the
awareness course.

'A long journey lay ahead.
So, we decided to annoy Jeremy.'

Just to let you know, my iPod's
working really well in the car,

how about yours?

No, I don't have an
iPod connector in here.

I suppose, yeah,

it'd be a bit much to ask for that
on a £340,000 car, wouldn't it

I would imagine it would be there,
my simple hick car has got...

You can Bluetooth your iPhone to it.

Jeremy, is there anything else you
haven't got that any reasonable,

modern car should have?

Er, not really.

Don't say cup-holders.

Have you got a cup-holder?

No, I haven't got a cup-holder.

What a tragic oversight.

I think Lexus were concentrating

so hard on building the perfect car,
they forgot that occasionally

you might need to go somewhere
in it and need a cup-holder

and an iPod connector and a seat
belt that does up more easily

than this one, which doesn't do up
easily at all if you're a bit...

fat.

I've got a meter that tells me

how much torque my engine is
producing at any given moment.

Have you got one of those?

I absolutely haven't got one of those
and I'm very, very pleased about it.

God, Hammond,

the back of your car lights up
with a stupid viper when you break.

That's the stupidest thing
I've ever seen!

That isn't just a viper,
that is a Stryker,

it's the emblem of this car.

I'm going to crash into
you trying to get a closer look

at your novelty item.

'As we cruised at a steady 55
towards California,

'Jeremy discovered yet another
problem with the Lexus.'

Would you mind awfully if we stopped
for petrol? I need some.

I've got more than half a tank.

So have I.

It is quite a small tank.

'In a town famous for having the
tallest thermometer in the world,

'I spent three pounds filling
the Zippo in the Lexus

'and then bought Hammond some fuel
for his car.'

May?

Yeah? This is the right fuel
for a Viper, isn't it?

Looks like it. Funny

- Well, we can't get it in the tank.
- Funny

You know what you've done?

You haven't got unleaded wood,
that's why it won't go in the slot.

Is it charcoal we need? Yeah.
I'm sorry, mate.

Never mind. Thank you. I'll go
and change it for some charcoal.

'While I did that, Hammond kindly
solved the LFA's cup-holder problem.'

They haven't put sugar in it!

'After the pit stop,
the producers told us

'to report to a racetrack
called Willow Springs.'

Er, right. I'm going to try a sat
nav test. Here we go. Use my mouse.

You actually get a mouse in one
of these. Destination, click.

Apparently it's calling someone.

'Lexus Inform.' It is.

'This is Anita. Where would
you like to go today?'

Er, Willow Springs Raceway.

'Just a moment and
I can help you with that.'

No... 'Let me just get that
plugged in for you.'

And then can you make that come
onto my screen in the car?

'Absolutely, I'm going to download
it to your navigation for you

'instead of you putting it in
yourself.

'Is there anything else
I can help with?'

Er, no, I'm so staggered.
That's amazing, thank you very much.

'You're welcome.

'Definitely call us 24/7
as many times as you need

'and we will help you out, OK?'

'In fact, I called her back
immediately.

'And she suggested we stop off
at a nearby tourist attraction.'

What they've done here is,
you will note,

is fitted grooves at intervals
along the road. Right.

So, as you drive over them,
your tyres make a noise.

They play a note.

Really? This road is musical.

Is it? It's musical.

Really? It plays a tune
as you drive...

'As James has a music degree,
we sent him out to test it.'

Here we go.

Is that a tune?

I think that was supposed to be
the William Tell Overture.

Jeremy then had another idea.

Richard Hammond and I
will now perform a duet.

If I reverse, will it play
a message from the devil?

This often happens in rock and roll.

What a numpty.

To make the tune go backwards, you
can still drive the car forwards.

Yeah... Never mind.

Yes.

It's telling me
Paul McCartney's dead

because he wasn't wearing
any shoes or socks.

'Having decided the musical road
might be a bit annoying

'if you live near it, we continued
onwards and eventually arrived

'at Willow Springs.

'We were keen to take on this
amazing race complex

'in the high desert of California.

'But the producers had other ideas.'

Thank you.

"You will be familiar with a game
called laser quest."

That's that one... It's like
paintballing but with lasers.

You have a jacket that's got
laser receptors on it

and it registers when you've been
hit. Yes, I know that. What?

"You will now play
aerial laser quest."

How does that...? Well, hang on.

"Your cars have been fitted
with laser receptors.

"You will drive five laps
of the track

"while two fighter planes, fitted
with laser guns, shoot at you.

"The winner will be the one
who is least shot."

Fighter planes with laser guns?
What planes? Are they model planes?

Are they remote control?

'They weren't.

'In fact, they were
Italian Marchettis.

'Fast, agile, armed and flown
today by two hotshot dog fighters.'

Orbiting to the north...

'With our laser sensors activated,
we set off at 30-second intervals.'

Tally ho, tally ho, chaps.

Stand clear, I'm going to go
for the Aston on the straight.

They're after him already.
Kill him! Kill him!

I missed.

Let's just try sheer speed for a bit.

Bit of braking might fox him there.

No!

Captain Slow.

You're going to need to do better
than that, my friend.

Big speed coming up, 140!

That's nothing to those planes,
they could just reel me.

OK. We're going to go
for the Lexus.

Trying to shoot this car
from a plane like that, I'm sorry,

it's like trying to swat a fly
with a drinking straw.

Not going to happen.

No!

Bingo! Lex is dead.

I'm hit again!

They're just shooting at me
because my car's Japanese!

It's racism. Sorry, Jeremy.

'There was only one thing for it.'

'Lexus Inform, this is Cheryl,
where would you like to go today?'

I'm being attacked by
fighter planes!

'I'm sorry, can you repeat that?'
Yes, I'm being attacked.

There are fighter planes and
I'm trying to get away from them.

Do you have any suggestions?

'She didn't. And as a result,
the game became a turkey shoot.'

What?!

No!

Argh!

Lexus dead.
Hamster is dead.

Bingo, Viper's dead.

There's Viper.

No, no, no, another hit for me!

My God, they got Ginger.

Smoke!

Smoke!

They're going in for the kill,
I can see him zooming down.

'To be honest, we weren't enjoying
the relentless slaughter.'

Under attack, under attack.

'But we were at least loving
our cars.'

The guts of this car are what make it
unbelievable on track.

Just hauls ass.

Jinking, jinking.

And brake!

That just feels tremendous.

The word immediate was invented for
the throttle response on this car.

And the steering. And the gearbox.
And every single thing about it.

Ha-ha! Look at that.

'But though our cars were good,
the planes were better.'

My God, how did he get me there?

'So, 26 laps into the 5-lap event,
we decided to get cunning.'

You see? Ha-ha, where am I now then,
plane? You can't see me.

Invisi... He's got me. Bugger!

What I've done is, I've hidden
near the hills, behind a bucket.

See, this is the ingenuity
that marks me aside.

What?!

Cunning wasn't working,
so we did what we do best - panic.

Hammond, you're going the wrong way.
You're going the wrong way!

Who's going the wrong way?

I'm going the wrong way!

No!

What?!

A bonus.

No!

'Fading light eventually brought
the massacre to an end.'

There's a lot of bullet holes
on those cars down there.

I liked that day.
That was a lot of fun.

I really did.

Can I just say, have you ever,
in your entire lives,

seen aircraft flying lower or faster
than that? No. To be honest, no.

I haven't. It's amazing. They
were just six feet off the deck.

Can I just bring us towards
the meat of the thing here?

Which is, I can now reveal,
I was hit 23 times.

A-ha! 17 times.

Come on then. What?
How many times where you hit?

I can't remember.
Yes, you can. Come on.

How many? 48.

48?! So you lost...

It was racism. Really? Racism?

Either way, you lost. The pilots
told me as well that, James,

you only won because every time
they went into a strafing dive

to hit us, they had to anticipate
where the car would be.

And every time your car was
considerably further back

than they'd expected it to be.

True. They said they couldn't hit you because
you were driving too slowly. Really? They did.

Well, as I've said many times
before, gentlemen,

he who is last shall be first,
and so it turns out.

So the Baby Jesus had a point?

Anyway, it is now time to put
a star in our reasonably priced car.

My guest tonight is a member
of a popular ensemble where all

the members find each other
very irritating.

Imagine that Quite.

Ladies and gentlemen, from Fleetwood
Mac, it is the man himself,

Mick Fleetwood.

Holy moly!

You're here! How are you?
Mick Fleetwood has come to Top Gear.

We sit? Yes, have a seat, please.

Lord have mercy.
I've gone nervous. My God.

Only Roger Daltrey sat
on that side of the sofa.

It's obviously a rock thing.
No, that's lovely too. You choose.

Or I can be just big.

It's nice to have someone who is
the right height. There you go.

We'll get on to your amazing
car history in a minute

but if I may, I want
to talk about Rumours

cos this is one of my absolute
all-time favourite albums.

How many have been sold over
the years? Billions. No...

A lot. Getting on for 50 million
copies or so, yeah.

50 million copies?! I think, for me,

the most amazing thing about Rumours
is that it got made at all.

Because I think I'm right
in saying, I mean,

people think of The Who
and Keith Moon in particular

and Led Zeppelin and what have you,
there was some excess there.

But when it came to excess,
Fleetwood Mac were really,

as far as I can work out,
in a class of their own.

Don't get me wrong,
we were definitely in the top ten,

I would say, if not more.

But I think the romance of that

and the drama of that
became out of control,

mainly because we were stupid enough,

and somewhat irresponsible, to be
too open about our dirty laundry.

You were talking in public.

But it wasn't just the drugs either.
It was, as far as I can work out,

the band was just made up of people
who were fighting at that time. Yes.

We've got a photograph here
of the band.

So there's you, in the middle, OK,
the drummer.

And then we've got an American
couple who really didn't get on,

they were falling out
during the recording.

And a British couple. Yes. Who were
going through the same problems.

Now, the songs that they were
writing about each other

were genuinely about each other.

So, Stevie wrote Dreams, which was
about her boyfriend Lindsey. Yeah.

And then he wrote You Can
Go Your Own Way. Yes.

I know where you're going with this.
I think it's phenomenal.

The worst one was, was it Christine
wrote the song of John, her husband?

Er, yes. She did You Make Loving
Fun and he must have thought,

"Lovely song," but she was writing about the
lighting engineer she was having an affair with.

This is true.

Are you starting to feel even
vaguely sorry for me?

It was unbelievably awkward
in the studio

because Lindsey would save the
vocals until all the recording

was done because he knew Dan well.

If he starts singing all the lines
you're talking about

with Stevie standing there,
she'd walk out.

But the worst thing is...
Quite clever.

It is, for getting the album down,

but then if you have to take it on
tour, poor old Stevie, all of them,

have to perform these songs about,

"I've got a small penis
and I'm better off..." Yes.

Because I'm just thinking,

if we ever put a band together
on Top Gear, I could write a song

called I Am A Crashing Bore and
then get James May to perform it.

Awww.

Then James could write one,
I'm An Irritating Little Brummie,

and for 40 years
Hammond would have to go along,

"I really don't like doing this."
Because that's what Rumours is.

No doubt.

That experience in the studio
was so horrendous, emotionally,

and the music was great and we all
aspired to... We didn't ever think

of walking out because we were
so into what we were doing.

Became the glue that
if we got through that,

we can get through 12 years
of high, high-powered,

which is probably 12-15 years,
we didn't stop doing anything.

Literally on the road,
in the studio...

Cos you are still all together.
We are, yeah. We must get onto cars.

We must get onto cars.

You live on the Pacific island
of Maui. I do. Yeah. OK.

You are a rock god,
an incredibly successful musician.

And you drive a...

My most cherished car
is an Austin 7.

And we... This is... We're not...

This is a picture of you with it
that we have here. Yeah.

How did you come by that?

Many, many, many years ago,
I probably was like 19.

A friend of mine had a flat
in Earls Court.

I get off the tube and there was
this little car,

I kept walking by it,
month after month after month,

and I fell in love with the car.

And one time I left a note
on the car, said,

"If ever you fancy selling this,

"I would love to give
this car a home."

And then about 18 months later we happened
to be starting to do fairly well.

My mum, which was
the phone number I had left,

got a phone call from
the guy, who said,

"I'm moving and I want a home
for my little car." And I bought it.

And you've still got it now? Yeah.

But I presume that all the way
through these late '70s

and '80s, obviously, you were
in a limo, so where was that?

Well, that was part of those years

when you're not quite sure
what happened.

And I went with the band
to the United States,

which was probably 15 or 16 years.

Eric Clapton was
then my brother-in-law.

I said, would you look after - it was
called Lettuce Leaf. The car was?

By my children, it was Lettuce Leaf,
so it was always Lettuce Leaf.

He said, sure, we'll put
it in the barn, and that was it.

And years later, I got a call
from Eric's manager saying,

"Can we get rid of it?"

And I didn't realise it had
been in his orchard for 15 years

and was full of birds' nests,
had been out in the open.

It survived and they had it rebuilt,

and the next time I saw it
was in Maui, where I live,

and us car people, stupid sloppy
dates that we tend to be,

I sort of broke down
when I met her at the dock.

She was just there,

in Maui, and I went,
"How cool is that?" I love all that.

That's exactly what cars are.
To me, how fast they go

is sort of not relevant,
it's how you... Absolutely.

I got married to my first wife in
that car, and that was my only car.

Now, presumably, you can't drive
Lettuce Leaf all the time,

so what...? I have a 2004 twin turbo
Porsche that I like a lot.

And I had it all tarted up.
That's my main car.

Can you get it going in Maui?

It's only an island,
so there's only three roads, really.

But there is one that goes right
through sugarcane fields

and you can get up to about 130,
140 miles an hour in certain places,

which I confess that I do.
You just have, actually.

You just did do that.
And that's in the Porsche.

Have you actually ever done
any racing?

Only in the old days,
the wicked '80s and early '90s.

Anybody and everybody was doing it.

It was an excuse for another
party or something,

and we were all... Half of us
were stoned, most of the time.

So what was it like out there today?

Better than last week,
when it was snowing.

Well, I wasn't stoned,
so that's good.

Who would like to see Mick's lap?

Yeah!

Come on, mate. Lord.
Let's have a look. God.

Right. Now, you're a drummer,

and I always associate drummers
with being coordinated.

Don't stop, come on, come on.

Remember the damn song,
you played it for 40 years.

.."Thinking about tomorrow"!
First corner.

But you think drummers are going
to be able to get their hands

and their feet... This was not me,
right? Yep, it sure is. Into the mud.

That's pretty tidy.
Come on, don't pussyfoot it.

You don't want to go
too fast through there,

you'll just spin wide.
That looks quite tidy as well.

Glad I had those brown underpants on,
I can tell you that much.

What a beautiful looking day
out there it is today.

It's going to go wrong any second,
right? No, look at that! Bang on.

And up now towards
the follow-through.

Full power. Full power, yes, yes,
yes, yes. Power it. Power!

Come on!

Cut it, cut it. Yes. This is the
tricky one. And that is nicely cut.

And into Gambon...

And no big dramas there,
and across the line!

Now, that looked tidy.
But was it fast?

Whereabouts do you think you've come?
I dread to think. No idea?

I hope I'm not in the last 10.
You're not.

Because, Mick Fleetwood,
you did it in 1...

..45.4. And that...

..puts you...

..between a wizard
and bassist in Blur.

Now, wait a minute. I always try
to look for some good news there.

How old are you?
If that's not... I'm 65. Yeah, 65.

So, you are, without any question
or shadow of doubt,

the fastest pensioner
we've ever had.

I've been looking forward to you
coming down ever since

we knew this series was coming back,

and it's just for me been
an enormous pleasure.

Ladies and gentlemen,
Mick Fleetwood!

Tonight we're driving across America
in three GT cars - the Lexus LFA,

the Aston Martin Vanquish,
and the SRT Viper.

So far, we have established
that none of them

is a match for a
GP modified Mitsubishi

and that all three have been
beaten by fighter planes.

So, nothing of any practical
value whatsoever.

But maybe that will
change in Los Angeles.

'For a genuine, real-world test,
Hammond decided

'we should head for one of the
city's famous storm drains.'

Tell you what,

I bet I can leave longer elevenses
in this then you can in yours.

What, you mean black marks
on the road from wheel spinning?

Yes, wheel spinning starts,
leave elevenses.

I can do a longer elevenses than you.
No, you can't.

I'll be the adjudicator.
You can be the adjudicator

because I'm going to demonstrate
something to you now.

Three, two, one and go.

I'd say that was a dead heat. Yeah.

'So, Hammond suggested we should see
who could do the best doughnuts.'

Skid!

Doing a big skid now.

'Many Hollywood scenes have been
filmed here over the years,

'but none has ever looked or
sounded quite as bovine as this.

'And none has ever caused
quite so much damage.'

Suggestions? I mean, running away,
obviously. That's where I was going.

Running away, really. How far should
we run away? Quite a long way.

And how soon? Now.

I can't get my seatbelt on.

Get in!

Running.

Running away.

Desperate times
call for desperate measures.

'Lexus, this is Sonia,
where would you like to go today?'

Yes, hello, I've accidentally
painted a gentleman's sausage

on a storm drain.

My. I need to run away.

'The lovely lady suggested Palm
Springs, which was 110 miles away.

'So we settled down and thought
a little bit about our cars.'

Let's have a quick recap.

This Aston has
the most charismatic engine,

it's the most tasteful
and it was the least shot.

Ask yourself, honestly,
from watching this programme,

which of these cars you take if
you were to drive across America,

across Europe, across Siberia.

It doesn't matter. It's this one.

I said at the beginning
of this trip that I had a feeling

I might fall for the Viper, and
I have. It's won me over completely.

It doesn't have the aluminium accents
inside of the Aston,

or the computers of the Lexus,

but it's done everything
we've asked of it on this journey,

and it's done everything with its own
particular style, its own attitude.

And let's not forget, at a fraction
of the price of the other two,

this is the plucky underdog here.

If somebody were to offer me
a choice of any car that had

ever been made, ever,
I would take a dark blue LFA.

That's how much I love this thing.
I mean, yes, there are faults.

The petrol tank is too small, the
seatbelt is idiotic, and, joking

aside, I would like a cup holder,
but the rest of it is so exquisite.

I'm going to say it.
It's the best car I've ever driven.

It really is.

'With all that sorted out,

'we opened the taps
and headed into Palm Springs.'

Men bouncing a ball like
a netball. Like small girls.

The man is going to catch the ball
and then throw it.

And they score so many goals,
nobody reacts when they get a goal.

Because it happens every 35 seconds.

You can't really tackle someone,
can you?

Erm... Can they not take
the ball...? Gentlemen, gentlemen.

Haven't we finished?

"We think you should run away more.

"Tomorrow morning,
at precisely 8 o'clock,

"you will race to the border."

What border?

You're not going to like this.

"The last to arrive
will cross into Mexico...

"..and spend a few days road testing
the Mastretta sports car

"for a forthcoming
item on the show."

The Mastretta is the one that
started a bit of trouble for us.

When we spoke about it
on the news on the show,

the Mexicans took an exception
to some of the things we said.

They hate us in Mexico. Don't want
to go to Mexico. No, they hate us.

'We told Hammond
we'd get an early night.

'But we didn't.'

Right, James and I have had
a bit of a discussion,

and we've decided that since
it was Hammond that caused all

the problems,
Hammond should lose this.

So what have you got in mind, James?

Well, what I've got in mind, Jeremy,

or rather in my pocket,
is a couple of bananas.

Because I've seen this in a film,

I thought we could put
a banana in the tailpipe.

A banana in the tailpipe.
Let's do it.

What this does is prevent
the car from exhausting

and the back pressure builds up
in the engine, and then it stops.

'Annoyingly,
the Viper's exhaust was so big

'we had to substitute the bananas
with a selection of other fruits.

'And then Clarkson
had another idea.'

If we pop his seat
all the way back, yes?

It also has electric pedals,
this thing, yes?

So if we make the pedals go
all the way forwards,

the seat all the way back, and
then take the fuse out... Yes!

'Having stolen the fuses
for the seat and the pedals,

'we then disconnected two
of the V10's HT leads.'

He's got a V8 motor,
he's got... No pedal movement.

No pedal movement,
seat's fully back. That'll do.

'At precisely 8:07 the following
morning, the race began.'

Get back! Get back!

The Lexus. The Viper!
The Lexus, the Lexus. It's there!

That's mine, that's mine.

Funny! I can't...
What are you...?

No!

This seatbelt is going
to be the death of me.

Nice Thank you! Nice.

Just for the record, and in case
this goes terribly wrong,

I said I didn't like Mexican food,
and what I meant was,

I don't like refried beans
and cheese.

That's all.
It's all Hammond's fault.

- Funny, funny, also funny.
- Thank you

Right, we live in a cartoon,
really

That's not right.

The problem is that
Richard Hammond may be stupid

and a rampant racist,
but he is quite practical.

He'll have that car put back
together again in about five

minutes - it would take me a year.

It's an HT lead off.

One...two.

Right. I will kill them.

I'm going to kill them.

If the Mexicans don't, I shall.

'As Hammond began
his hate-fuelled charge,

'Jeremy and I were bogged down
in downtown Palm Springs.'

So, we've got a retirement
community, the rozzers up ahead,

there's nothing I can do.
40 miles an hour.

I lost, I don't know, 10 minutes.
Maybe more.

Jeremy's got to stop for fuel.

He'll never get that done
in under five minutes.

I have to hope James
gets lost or dawdles.

What's really unfair
about this race is that

I wasn't particularly rude about
Mexicans, I just made a small joke

about the Mexican ambassador
in London.

And I've been to see him,
I've apologised,

drunk quite a lot of his tequila,
and all is well.

But the Mexicans don't know that.

'Once clear of Palm Springs,
we faced a choice.

'Take the road to the east
of the Salton Sea, which was longer

'but should be quiet, or go on the
freeway and pray it wasn't too busy.

'I went for the freeway.'

Take me to victory, Aston Martin.

'Whilst, stupidly,
Jeremy went for the longer route.'

106 miles to the border
and my range is...

..104.

Ohhhh.

So now I've got a choice.

Do I drive slowly and increase the
range, or drive fast and fill up?

That one.

I'm having him.

Jeremy can't be going this fast
on that mountain road, surely.

'Sorry, James, it wasn't a mountain
road, which meant that once

'more, thanks to editing trickery,
I could get up to 55 miles an hour.'

I'm in an American road movie now.

'Feeling pleased with my choice
of route, I called Mr Angry.'

Hammond. You utter,
utter bastard. Where are you?

I'm on the east side, on the most
amazing road I've ever found.

God. Have you seen James?

No, I'm on the other road,
the other side of the water.

So he should be ahead of me

if he's gone this way, or... James
is on your side of the lake.

So he must be on this road then.
Right, I'm going to reel him in.

In fact, at this point,
we all had the hammer down.

51 miles to go. 30 miles of range.

Come on, Aston. Where the hell
is Hammond? Is he catching me?

Right, 60 miles.
And no sign of James.

I'm just praying to see
a speck of blue up ahead.

I've got to be in front of Jeremy,
there's no way he can do it.

He's got to stop for fuel.

♪ Stand by your man... ♪

I don't know what that is,
but that's all it's having.

'To find out what damage the fuel
stop had done, I called May.'

Clarkson. May, where are you?

I have got to the bottom of the lake

and I'm just coming
into the small town...

No, I think you're ahead of me.
Has Hammond caught you up?

Hammond is behind me,
but only by a few miles.

Argh! That means he's probably
ahead of me.

'But the race wasn't done yet.

'Because at the bottom of the lake
there were three routes to

'the finish line in the border
town of Calexico.

'And none of us had any idea
which would be the fastest.'

Jeremy will go on the 111.
He has to,

because he's come from that side,
he will get to that one first.

I get to the 86 first, but is it quicker?
I just don't know. God.

What would Hammond do?

Right, this road takes me straight
through Calexico to the border.

I think this is the quickest.

I think James has gone
a different route,

this is where I'm going to take him.

Please, God, don't let me be last.

A big drive-through dentist there,
hopefully Hammond will stop at that.

Four miles, come on, come on,
come on, come on.

Coming into town now. This all
looks decidedly Mexican now.

Which is to say brilliant, very nice.

God.

Traffic lights.

God, and the rozzers
are behind me.

Fifth Street, yes.
Does it go to Mexico?

Where is the border crossing?

Can't get lost right now.
Mess it all up at the end.

Border, border, border.

You beauty!

May or Hammond,
which one is going to be eaten?

'The answer came seconds later.'

Ha-ha-ha-ha-ha!

I don't care if you won -
is it just you here? Yep.

Ho-ho!

God, no. No.

Buenos dias!

Is that Mexico there?
That's the border there.

Look, it's very simple.
Goodbye. Bye, thank you so much.

You're in the United States
of America, land of the free.

There's a big fence, the other
side of it, everybody hates you.

Bye! Bye.

It's a bit like sending Paddington
Bear into a mincing machine,

there is an element of...
He looks quite tragic.

With that, back to the studio.

I think we can probably handle
a conclusion on our own.

Because the Aston Martin and
the Lexus were... Tremendous.

They really were, weren't they?

And the Viper was... Awful.
Awful, absolutely.

So there we are.

Now, we will be bringing you
a review of the Mexican Mastretta

sports car in a couple of weeks,
unless of course in the meantime

somebody finds a suspiciously white
tooth in their taco.

In which case, we will be showing
you a touching tribute to

the late broadcaster
Richard Hammond.

So, on that potential bombshell,
it's now time to end.

Thank you so much for watching,
good night.

Corrections by Wally73