Top Gear (2002–…): Season 18, Episode 7 - Episode #18.7 - full transcript

In the final episode of the season, Jeremy Clarkson, Richard Hammond and James May set out to discover if you can go motor racing for less than it costs to play golf. Richard is also out on...

Tonight, Raikkonen...

-Can't believe it.


And bash,
as we do proper motor racing.

Hello, hello,
and welcome to the playground.

Welcome, everybody. Thank you.

Thank you so much. Now...

Now, we begin with the BMW M5.

For the last 25 years,

it has been
the best fast saloon.

Um, which is a bit of a
problem for BMW every time
they want to replace it,

as Richard Hammond
shall now explain.


This is the outgoing M5
in action and, straightaway,

you can see the problem.

It's brilliant.

Big, 500-horsepower,
V10 upfront...

-Naturally aspirated.

It's just distilled essence
of single-malt
driving pleasure.

And that gives BMW a problem
much like that faced by
the makers of Die Hard 4,

or of Cheryl
Cole's 2011 calendar.

This is a personal analogy,
but it works for me.

The problem is this.
Where to go next?

Well, this is where
they've gone next.
It's the brand-new M5.

It costs £73,000 and,
on paper, it sounds like
a much tamer beast.

For starters,
the magnificent V10

has been replaced
by a more polar
bear-friendly V8.

When you're driving along,
you can certainly hear it.

But then you would because
they're fitted
in with a system

that pipes a synthesised
version of the exhaust note
through the stereo.


That's kind of cheating,
isn't it?

And thanks to additions like
the seven-speed
double-clutch gearbox,

this new M5 now weighs
90 kilograms more
than the old one.

At first glance, then,
it seems like the M5's
rock 'n' roll days are over.

Oh, dear. I seem to have
accidentally pulled up
alongside the old M5,

for what looks
like the makings
of a drag race.

there's a man in a white coat
and everything.


Three, two, one, go!

Oh, ho, ho, ho!
That's some power!

Getting ahead.

Yeah, you see, this is
probably a good time to tell
you more about that V8.

It's got two turbos
which gives it 552
brake horsepower,

52 more than the V10,

and more torque.

A lot more torque.

And it's quick!


Had you worried
for a moment there!

More firepower in the engine
bay is just the first
piece of good news.

In the old M5,
you got a techno-overload
of 11 gearshift settings.

In the new one,
it's a more sensible three.

And, with that new
twin-clutch gearbox,

the shifts are so fast,
the gap between them

can't even be measured.
That's good.

But it's not as good as the
way this car simply
devours corners.




Unlike Porsche with their new
911, BMW has not gone
for electric steering,

but instead stuck
with old-fashioned hydraulics.

And it's so much better
for it. There's much more
of that feedback.

It actually lets
you know which way
the front wheels are pointing.

With the settings
in full track mode,
you can smoke all day long.


And, when you've
had enough of that,

at the touch of a button,
it becomes
a completely different car.

The old one was always a bit,
you know, (GROWLING)

always straining at the leash.

But this one,
it can be a proper lunatic M5.

Or a soothing companion when
you just want to
drive along the M5.

See, the motorway? The M...

It's also more economical.

It has a bigger fuel tank
so it can go
harder for longer.

And then there's the ride.

It's really,
really good, comfortable.

There's no stupid
rock-hard run flat tyres.

It feels better
than a normal 5 series.

The new M5,
then, is not only better
than the old one,

I'd say that,
as an all-rounder,

it's actually the best car
in the world right now.

And, in some ways,
it reminds me of this.

The BMW M1.

In 1984, BMW actually took
the engine out of that

and put it in a 5 series
and the original M5 was born.

The point is the M1
was the first supercar

that could also be civilised
in the real world.

And that's what
they've done here.

Meet the new boss,
same as the old, old boss.



-I see what you did there.
-It's a heck of a thing!


I have to say, that car,
I drove it
the other day, it is epic.

-It is amazing.
-It's a phenomenal car.

-You like the M5,
as well, don't you?

The only problem with it
is that, in the past,

an M5 was worth it
because it was so much better

than an ordinary 5 series,

but the normal 5
series now is so good,

it's hard to justify
spending the extra.

Well, you're quite right.
Have you driven
the 530 diesel?

-It's stupendously good.

And it's £30,000
less than an M5

and it's an almost completely
perfect car.

Did you know that, actually,
in the diesel,
if you're careful,

you can go almost 1,000 miles
on one tank full of fuel.

-That's all you want.
1,000 miles.
-God! How old are you two?


Well, I haven't spent the
last 10 years being 38,
unlike some people I know.

-I like 38. It's a nice age.

I'm gonna do it
again this year.

No, actually... Sadly,
Hammond, we don't have time
to cut you in half

this week to see how old you
really are 'cause we've got
a very busy show.

We also don't have time, I'm
afraid, to show you
The Stig going round

in the M5 but we can tell you
he did it in a 1.29.2.

Pouring with rain,
meaningless time.

so what we'll do is move on,
very swiftly, and do the news.

-And we begin with this.

If you drive a car
without a windscreen
at 50 miles an hour,

your face looks like this.

We established this
very clearly, last week.

Now, if you take
the speed up to 80,
your face becomes this.

So can you begin to imagine
what your face would look like

if you were to
drive one of these?

Inside out, I should imagine.

This is the 217mph, concept,
at the moment,

Lamborghini Aventador J.

Has no windscreen, has no
roof, and I can only imagine,

that if you were to drive
that, your face would
end up like that.



And I don't know
why you're laughing, James,

-because I've done
research on this.
-Have you?

Yes. Your face
would look like this.


Let's move on. The government
is holding a big summit

to try and find out
how to prevent sat navs

accidentally steering people
into fields and canals and
onto railway lines.

-You know those cases.
-Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

-Always reading about them.
-I heard this
discussed on the TV

on the news last
week and one bloke
had contacted them to say,

"I was using my sat nav,
driving along in my car,

"concentrating, when I drove
down a ramp, past
a lifeboat into the sea."


Well, clearly,
you weren't concentrating

'cause you drove into the sea.

The government
summit just needs to say,

"If you allow your sat nav
to steer you into a field,

"or the sea, or a nun,

"it's your fault 'cause
you're a blithering idiot."

Yes. You're so right.

-It cannot be
the sat nav's fault.
-It isn't.

No, honestly, a friend of mine
lives in Knightsbridge,

in the middle of London,
wanted to go and
see Chelsea play

at Stamford Bridge, okay?
Put Stamford
Bridge into the sat nav

and only realised something
was wrong while going past
Peterborough on the A1,


on the way to the town
of Stamford Bridge,

rather than
the big football ground.

How daft do you have to be
to do that? It's only
a mile down the road.

That's what I'm saying.
There can't be
more than one...

How thick do you
have to be to believe

what the digital pretend woman
in the dashboard says

over what you can actually see
out of the window?

I mean, the sea, for example
, it's big, it's blue,
the top of it wobbles around

and isn't suitable
for motor vehicles.

But you know that already.
Don't drive into it.

Now, pay attention, everybody.
Are you Mario
Balotelli or Wayne Rooney?

Or that ginger one...
Paul Scholes.

Does your downstairs lavatory
look like this?


Anyway, if your downstairs loo
does look like this

and you're
a premiership footballer,
good news,

because Bentley
has made a new 4x4.
Here it is.


No. It's just a concept at the
moment and it is
hideous and disgusting!

Look at it!

Did he step away from his
design and go, "Yes, that's
exactly what I wanted"?

He must,
at some point, have said,

that's my day's work done.
I'm going home."

-Does anybody here like that?
-WOMAN: Yes.


HAMMOND: Seriously?

That's 'cause you're sitting
behind the television and
you can't see it.


You see, it's not there.
It's here. Look.

-HAMMOND: Seriously?
-Yeah, I like that.

Do you have, in your house,

those pillars either side
of the front door

like a clang-clang-clang
when you hit it?

No, but I'd like them.

Have you got two
fake stone lions
on either side of the gates?

No, I'd like them as well.

This is My Big
Fat Gypsy Wedding
being played out...


Right here, right now.

What's going on?
And there's the car.

The only way is Cheshire.
There you go.

Moving it along, a couple of
weeks ago, there was a report

that said
the flashing blue lights
on police cars were too bright

and causing accidents 'cause
they were disorientating
other motorists.

Now, that's as may be.

I have more of a beef
with police car sirens.

-Too loud.

Massively too loud.

I think I live in a police
siren testing area.

Four o'clock every morning,
can I borrow the diesel Astra

"and make sure
the siren works?"
"Oh, yeah. Go to Holland Park.

"Bring the fire brigade
and the ambulance."
As they roar up and down...

Are you two seriously
suggesting that emergency
sirens are too loud?

-They are.
-Yes. Definitely.

They have to be loud

because they
have to warn people
to get out of the way.

They have to be
able to hear it.

Yes, the people in front, but
you don't need to know about
it three miles away.

-You don't.
-To be brutally honest,

the people in front,
it would be perfectly okay

if they just had a little
bell on the roof that went

What's the point
of waking me up
in the middle...

I can't move my house
out of the way
of the ambulance.

They're not using the siren...

They don't care about you
in your bo-bos at that time.

They care about people
in the way in a traffic jam.

"Get out of the way!
Even if you wake
James May, it doesn't matter."

I'm becoming increasingly
fed up of the way you
drive up to London,

from your house in Wales,

tell us how to live
and then drive back again.

We have to live there.

I don't actually live there,
but stay there,

and it's noisy
and it's stupid.

We don't come
down and tell you lot
to stop hanging witches.


I've just been passed this.
At the back,
everybody, can you hear this?

ALL: Yes.

Clear as,
quite literally, a bell.

It's for starting playtime,
not sounding an emergency!

-He can hear it over there!
-If I'm in a burning building,

and you're there
going ding-aling-aling.

I bet in Ross-on-Wye,
they do use it.

I bet they have a cowbell
and they go, "Dunk, dunk,

"Richard Hammond's
barn's on fire, everybody.

"Send a child down the well."
Dunk, dunk, dunk, dunk.

It works for us.
You get on with your thing.

And stop complaining there are
other people in
the city with you.

Ooh, now, next weekend,
Formula 1 returns

and the big news there is that
one of the old guard is back.

But, before that he's here.
Ladies and gentlemen,
Kimi Raikkonen!



Mate, have a seat.

So, there we go.

Back in Formula 1.

How does it feel?
How does it feel to be back?

Very normal. I mean, the cars
are same, people are same.
Same story.

I just want to clear it up,
you're racing for...

'Cause I'm a bit lost
with Lotus... You're racing
for Lotus Renault?

Uh, yeah.


That's what it says on there.

Yeah, that's what it says.

It's Lotus Renault,
but then
there's another Lotus.

You've got Lotus
that make cars in Turnipshire,

but that's got
nothing to do with this.

No, I mean, I think the Lotus
is just the sponsor.

Oh, they're a sponsor?
So, is it a Renault?

No, it's... (LAUGHS)

You don't know
who you're racing for, do you?

It's... Renaults
factory built it, so...

And you're sponsored
by an anti-dandruff product.

-Is that good?
-Seems to be working.

Maybe you should try, huh?

Could be worse,
could be Anusol.

Now, I have to say,
I sincerely hope
your return is successful.

Really, genuinely, I do,

because I love it when you're
in the post-race
press conference

and they ask those big,
long, convoluted questions,

"So, in the third corner you
came up the outside,
then you jinked left,

"then right and then you went
on the inside, what happened?"

And you just go, "That."

Yeah. I mean, you can make it
very complicated to answer,

but, I mean,
you can also be straight

and tell the true story,
so usually it's
much more easier.

Is it a Finnish thing
to be economical with words?

I think there are a lot
of different people
in Finland, like they can tell

the long way or the short way,
but for me it's easier
to say the short way.

I have, actually...
I made up...

I've got some of
my favourite ones,

There was
always the famous one

when Michael Schumacher, when
he got his lifetime
achievement thing in Brazil

from Pele,
and Martin
Brundle said to you,

"Did you see the ceremony?"
And you said no because...

I was busy.


"Taking a dump,"
is what you said.

I mean, I told the truth,
a true story, so...

I fell off my chair laughing,

I like this one. "The helmet
has a special meaning
for many drivers.

"How important is it to you?"
You said,
"It protects my head."

I quite like...
Someone asked you,

"What do you think
of the Abu Dhabi circuit?"

Um... (LAUGHS)

You said, "The first few turns
are good, but the rest
of it is (BLEEP)."

It's true the last part
is not very good.

You cannot overtake.
It's very twisty.

It's catastrophically boring
to watch cars
race round there,

from our point of view.

I think it's many
other circuits also.
It's not just that.

No, there are a lot.

-You start in Australia,
don't you?

-And that's next weekend.

And how do you think
you're gonna get on? Good?

We hope. I mean, I don't know,
nobody knows
where everybody is.

It's a bit complicated to say
from testing,
but we will see one week

and hopefully...
I think our car's not too bad.

It should be pretty okay.

-The car is not too bad?

Have you been hard at work
training to come back?

Um, a little bit harder
than normal,
so it should be okay.

-Have you given up drinking?

did you meet The Stig today?

-Do you realise
you are his hero?

Did he say?

He didn't speak a lot. I think
his work would
be perfect for me.

No need to speak,
just drive around
in different cars.

-You didn't
speak to each other?
-A little bit, yeah.

He did speak to me.

He said,
"I've always really, really
liked Kimi Raikkonen."

-And he met you once before.
-Oh, yeah?

he wasn't drinking in a bar,
but he was in Monaco

and he was standing in a bar
and then somebody collapsed,
drunk, on his feet.

-Yeah? It was me.

He looked down and went,
"Oh, it's my hero."

he helped me, then, huh?

Now, is it true...

I've always wanted
to check this out.
Before your very first race,

okay, your very first race,
is it true you were found
in your motor home

30 minutes before
the race fast asleep?

Um, not in the motorhome.
It was in Australia

so we had just
small boxes there.

But you were asleep?

Yeah, under the table.
I found a nice place.

It's normal.
I always sleep
before the race.

Usually there is a little bit
of time to relax.

I like sleeping. It's good.

Was it before the Ferrari race
that you entered
a snowmobile race in Finland?

Yeah, I think it was... I've
been a few times in the race,
about 2007.

But did Ferrari let you do
snowmobile racing?

Um, I didn't really ask,
but I guess not.


You have a very strict
contract, but as long as you
don't get hurt too badly.

Talking of which,
show me your arm.

-Is this...
No, undo your shirt.
-It's okay.

This is... What's that?

-It's a scar.
-What from?

Some snowmobile, I think.

-And that was recent?

Yeah, it was before Christmas
I hurt it a little bit,

but, I mean,
I had a good doctor to fix it.

Let's have a look.

That is a big...
Did you break it?

-A little bit.
-A little bit broken?

Okay, so anyway, obviously,
you came down here to try it.


I have to say
the Suzuki Liana,
the Formula 1 car,

the old,
reasonably priced car,
how was it?

It was better than
I expected, so...

I mean, it wasn't too bad.

It was quite wet
so it was slippery

and I got a bit
sideways a few times,
but it was good fun.

Who'd like to
see Kimi out there
having fun in our Liana?

-ALL: Yeah!
-Let's have a look.
Here we go.



Yep, that has begun.

There was a nice
helicopter on our left.

CLARKSON: Well, I think you've
covered everything there.

There you go. That's the line
we like to see from
Formula 1 drivers,

very wide.

that's just perfectly judged.

KIMI: Maybe it was luck.


CLARKSON: You see? "Oops."

You don't need any
more than "oops",
although it is a surprise

to see a Formula 1 driver
cocking up a gear change.

actually, you don't have to
change gear in Formula 1.

It's much easier with those.

It's not a bad car
to drive in, then.

You should be a road
tester on Top Gear.

"Not bad this.
And now back to the studio."

We don't need to say
any more than that.

Hammond rabbiting on earlier
about the M5.
What's the point?

Here we go,
second-to-last corner.

Unlike most of the guests,
you held it on the track,
round Gambon

and there we are, everyone,
across the line.


Ho, ho!

Now, these are the peeps from
Formula 1 who
have tried it before.

your badminton partner,
I understand.

Yeah, at least I can
beat him in badminton.

-Can you beat
him in badminton?
-Yeah, every time.

It's good to know someone can
beat him at something.


Our fastest wet
lap is Lewis, 1.44.7.

-It's actually
only mildly moist.

Proper wet,
it's probably Jenson Button.
I'm just having...

No, it was Webber,
I've just been told.

I hope I will be in top 10.

-Top 10?

-Somewhere there.
-You're gonna make it.

That's my prediction.
I've got the time here.

Kimi Raikkonen,
you did it in...

What was Webber?
The only really wet one?

You did it in...



Six, one.


And there we are.

Oh, I'll tell you what,
I haven't put a W on, have I?

Oh, God! Look at that.
I've got to put the W on.

-There we go.
-It looks better now.

It does, we'll remember that.

Well, Kimi,
huge pleasure
to have you here.

Huge pleasure to have you
back in Formula 1.

Can I say very,
very best of luck
with the season.

Ladies and gentlemen,
Kimi Raikkonen!


Now, you may remember that
a while back,
Chris Evans, out of Radio 2,

spent five and a half million
of his pounds

on a very rare
Ferrari 250GT
California Spyder.

One of only 56 ever made.

Now, when I was a boy,
this was always my favourite
of the classic Ferraris.

I've always
wanted to drive one.

MAY: This is Chris' garage,

a place where his mostly white
collection of Ferraris,

including an F40,
a Dino and a 288 GTO,

is pampered and entertained.

Why did you choose white?
Because, obviously,

it's a big decision
once you've decided white...

they were all going to be
different colours

but we couldn't figure
which colour to
paint the Dino.

So we said,
"Let's paint the Dino white."

The Dino was the first
finished, it looked so good
in white, we said,

"What the hay!
Let's do them all white."

MAY: When I'd listened
politely for a well-mannered
amount of time...

-It's got the nod to the GTO.

-250 short wheelbase.

MAY: I got to the
real reason for my visit.

Where's the California?

-It's over there.
-Can we see it?

I've got to take my shoes off
to go through this bit?

Yeah, absolutely.
Come on. Sort it out.

I've never, ever been asked
to take my shoes off in
a garage before.

Oh, look at that!

Oh, man!

-May I?
-Yeah, of course.

Oh! Ho, ho, ho!


Can I have a go?

What do you mean?

-What do you mean?

Can I... Can I drive it?

-What, out of here?

It is me.
If it was Pinky or Perky,

I could
understand your reticence,
but I'm a...

Can't I? Chris, I've waited
all my life just to stand
next to one of these.

-I know it was expensive.
-Oh, God.

But I won't ever
get another chance.

-Take it out, be careful...
-Of course.

-Avoid standing water.
-I do this in my Fiat Panda.

Yeah, I know. I'm sure you do.

This is... You know,
just be careful with it.

-Of course, I'll be careful.
-All right.

-Thank you.

I appreciate it.

Before I set out, Chris
insisted we put the roof up,
in case it rained.

That doesn't
really work, does it?

that doesn't work at all.

-Oh, no!
-How much was it?

Oh, God!

With the roof abandoned, I
set off in one of
the world's rarest cars,

already starting to wish
that Chris had said no.

Right, there is a car coming.

It's a long way off, but this
could cut out, you never know.

It's an old car,
so let's just hold back.

Go, go, go!

Right, I'm on real roads,
with real cars.

Those people might be
trying to send a text.

Those people over there
may have been drinking.

This is a fantastic moment
in my driving life,

but it is rather being spoiled

by the thought
of £5.6 million.

It's a bit like being given
an original Rembrandt

and then being told to take it
down the pub on Friday night.

No, I can't honestly say
I'm enjoying it.

Don't reverse.

Get off the phone.

Oh, God! Not here.

Oh, don't say you
want to go backwards.

Steady, steady.

Thank you.

I think I'm gonna get away.

Yes, freedom!

And then things
got slightly worse.


Be careful of the car,
it's very valuable.
Mind the car.

Stay away from the car.

Those pesky kids
were the last straw,

so I went and hid,
in Windsor Park.


Right, the Ferrari
250 GT California,

what is all the fuss about?

Well, besides the fact that
it's rare,
the California has always

been one of the most
desirable Ferraris,

built to allow wealthy West
Coast Americans to soak
up their sunshine.

This car,
for example, belonged
to the film star James Coburn,

who kept it for 23 years.

Coburn was one of Hollywood's
petrolhead elite,

along with Steve McQueen.
In fact, it was Steve McQueen

who persuaded Coburn to buy it
from a Belgian dealership

while they were filming
The Great Escape together.

The other reason this car
is part of automotive royalty

is quite simply
because of its
astonishing beauty.

It was built by Ferrari's
favourite metalworker,

Sergio Scalietti, who never
really bothered with drawings,

but beat out the panels using
an artist's eye and
a craftsman's hand.

That's why it's said

that no two Californias
are exactly alike.

But putting all the romance
and history to one
side for a moment,

what's this car like to drive?

It's fantastic!

Yes, it is! Come on!

I mean, you can tell
it's an old Ferrari.

The steering
wheel is enormous.

The driving
position is ridiculous.

The pedals are actually
over near that tree somewhere.

But it's lovely.
It's so special.

I can actually feel the wood
on the steering wheel

flexing slightly
as we go over bumps.

Its 3-litre V12
produces just 280 horsepower,

and 0-60 takes
around 8 seconds.

Slow by modern
Ferrari standards,
but that's not the point.

Cars like this,
the performance
is not about the figures.

It's about
the nature of the delivery.

You get it above
about 3,500 rpm.

I'll drop it down
so you can see what I mean.



I don't want to get emotional,

but this is the realisation
of a childhood dream.

When I was seven
or eight years old,

I looked at pictures
of this car and I thought,
"I wonder

"if I will ever
drive a Ferrari 250
GT California." And here I am.

It's absolutely magical.

I've met my hero
and I'm not disappointed.

Really, it was time
to give Chris his car back.

But since he works
on a breakfast show,

I reckoned he'd
be in bed early

and he wouldn't miss it
for a bit longer.


So in terms of looks,
that or the 275 GTS?

It's close,
I agree it's close,

but I still think it's that.
It's just extraordinary

No, 275.

I still can't believe
he let you drive that car.

Well, why not?

Because as we
learned from Monopoly,
you are a liar and a cheat.

You brought the bank down.

Yes, you are Sir Fred May.

You should be made to hand
back that honorary
doctorate you've got.

You should.
Now we know more about...

Hammond, Hammond, we don't
have time for any more
arguing about Monopoly

because I need a Slash
and luckily, we've got one.
He's over there!


Look who's here. How are you?

-I'm okay.
-Look at that!

Really here!

Have a seat. Have a seat.

Now, I think a lot of people
would be surprised

to discover that you grew up
in Stoke-on-Trent.

Yeah. I was born in Hampstead,

but lived in Stoke.

You know,
Stoke gets a bad rap,
but it's a great place.

I went back there
and played there,

did my first concert there,
just last year.

This is with the new
solo stuff?

Yeah, it was great.
We had a blast.

So you were in Los Angeles
by the age of...


Oh, so it was
a very short time in Stoke?


I am fascinated by one thing.

Your parents, okay,
your mum is
an African-American.


Now, she designs costumes
for the likes of...
Or did design,

for the likes of Joni Mitchell
and David Bowie, yeah?

Your dad did album covers

-for Neil Young, among others.

Paint a picture, with these
parents like they were, okay,

paint a picture
of what it was like
growing up in Los Angeles.

both my parents were hippies,
both involved in music.

Everybody was an artist.

It was just a very Bohemian,
very artistic,
creative environment.

In that whole neighbourhood,
there was Frank Zappa,
Jim Morrison

and the Eagles, before they
formed, but Glenn Frey and
a bunch of those guys.

We had to watch Top Of The
Pops, and you had them round
your breakfast table.

-That's deeply
irritating to me.

Can I just ask,

did your mother do your
outfits, since she's
a costume designer?

Well, she did actually make me

one of the coolest pairs
of leather pants I ever had.

Why do you always
wear leather trousers?

I've always just thought that
they were
cool-looking and, you know,

you can get away
with not washing them

-for long periods of time!

And the hat?
What gave you the idea
to wear Brunel's hat?

(CLEARS THROAT) The hat...
The hat came from...

When I was in the early days
of Guns N' Roses,

I was walking
around Melrose Avenue

in Los Angeles,
looking for some clothes

'cause we had
a show that night
and I don't have any money,

so I'm just wandering around
looking in windows and stuff,

and for some reason,
I saw the top
hat in the window.

So I went in there and looked
at it and tried it on

and it felt really cool,
so I walked out of
the store with it.

I figured I'd just say
I forgot to pay
for it or something.

-You stole the hat?

Then I went next door
and I stole a concho belt

and cut it up and
put it around the top.

You do know this show
is shown in America?

It's okay.
It was long enough ago

that the statute's up by now.

Okay, so you're gonna get away
with the stolen hat.

Well, there you are. There's a
little bit of
gossip we didn't know.

Slash wears stolen clothing.

-Have you got
a new solo album out?

-Is that it?
-This is... Well, yeah,

this is the classic
rock version of it

where it comes with this thing
which is a fan pack
and it's a magazine

filled with all kinds of stuff
about myself and the band.

And the guys in the band,
And that's the actual CD.

-And that's called
Apocalyptic Love?

It's a title of
one of the songs
in the record,

and it's basically
sort of
a tongue-in-cheek thing

about sexual relations
on the eve of the Apocalypse.


Well, you'd like to get one in
before you...

Uh, now,
obviously you had a hard life

-in Guns N' Roses,
I would imagine.
-It was pretty edgy, yeah.

But these days,

am I right in thinking you're
completely clean and
completely off everything?

For today, yeah.


Have you still got
the snake collection?

-I have one snake now.
-You've only got one?

I used to have
a vast collection,
upwards of 90 snakes

at any given time
for a long while there.

And then just before London,

my oldest son was born,
because they were
all big constrictors

you know, upwards of 10 foot,
I just had really cold feet

that we should
probably get rid
of all these snakes.

We're having
a boy and, I know...

-Where's the baby?

-Which one of you...
-That can happen.

Now, I'm sorry for taking up
so much of your time

talking about your
rock 'n' roll lifestyle,

'cause I like that. But I know
you're here to talk about cars

'cause you like them,
you'll all be
relieved to hear.

so what was your first car?

My first car that
I paid for with my
own money was a Honda CRX.

-No way! I had a Honda CRX.

-It was fantastic.
-It was
a cool-looking little car,

but eventually I
gave it to my brother,

and then I got a 1966
427 Corvette coupe.

-The classic Corvette?
-Yeah, yeah.

That's a bit of a leap
from a Honda
CRX to a Corvette.

It's a great car.
I did a couple of
360s on Sunset with that car

'cause it was so powerful.

I didn't know what I was doing
when I first bought it.

So what have you got now?

-I have an Aston Martin.

-That's my favourite car.

Ever since I was a little kid,
James Bond...

You know,
but I could never afford one.

-Well, you look so similar!


When I got sober, my reward to
myself was to buy
an Aston Martin.

Which one did you get?

I got a Vanquish the last year
that they had that.

-Rotten gearbox, though.

but it was a cool car for
a while. I got a lot of
tickets in that car.

Then I traded that for the
DBS, which I had for
a little while.

But then I saw the V12 Vantage

and thought,
"I got to have one of those."

-So I traded the DBS.
-So you traded a DBS

for a V12.
And which do you
think is better?

-I have more fun
in the V12 Vantage.

The Vantage is just a little
bit smaller and because that
engine's so big,

it just makes it
that much scarier
of a car to mess around in.

So, your lap.
How was it out there?

It was actually pretty tricky
when I first got out.

I mean,
the way your track's laid out

is it's not really there.

It's sort of made-up.


Are you sure you're sober?

-No, I mean it's...

It's the grey bit.
Green, grey.

I know, but it's got all kinds
of turns and stuff

that are sort of,
you know, pencilled in.

Who would like to
see Slash's lap?

-I would.

-Here it is.
-I was petrified.

-Let's have a look.
-I didn't want to go.


CLARKSON: Look at that Kia go!
SLASH: I know.

God damn it! (BLEEP)

You could just say "oops".
We know that from Kimi.

Ooh, I say!
Now, that's stately.


The wild man of rock.

All right, brake on this one.

CLARKSON: Braking for Chicago
and driving round
the corner in a brown car.

let's not (BLEEP) this up.

Now, sometimes
when a car looks slow,
it can be fast,

but I've got
a sneaking suspicion

that this looks slow
because it sort of is.

Pretty slow.

This guy's got a lot of balls.

CLARKSON: I think you're
referring to our cameraman who
just stands there.

SLASH: He does, yeah.
he does it every week.

SLASH: Just at the exit
of the apex.

CLARKSON: Somebody'll get
him one day.

Right, how are we doing there?
Oop! Yeah, braking.

This is the hardest part
of the track, right?

CLARKSON: Very hard, but
at that speed, it's not
as hard as you might think.

When I did it faster...

When I did it
faster I ended up
all the way out on the grass.


This is the board.

Bearing in mind
it's raining out,
so it's wet,

mostly the wets are down here.

-So where do you think?
-I don't know. You tell me.

-Oh, I'm going to.
-I'm not guessing.

You're leaning forward.

-It's always a sign.
-It's been an interesting day.

I'm dying to see
what the result
of all that was.

Mr Slash,

you did it in...




It's along with
and Peta 23 from Essex,

who you probably don't know.

But I was faster
than Angelina Jolie,
so that's good.

That's not
actually Angelina Jolie.


Is that Alice
Cooper down there?

Alice Cooper! Yeah,
you're faster
than Alice Cooper.

He is the only real
rock guy on there.

It's that rock 'n' roll thing.
Perhaps it's all blurry.

-Who knows?

Anyway, ladies and gentlemen,

it has been
an enormous pleasure
to have you here.

Thank you so much for coming.


-Thank you very much.
-Thank you.

-Was that you
driving that car?
-Might have been.

Oh, come on.

It looked like it.
Now, moving on,

and we move on,
surprisingly, to golf.

It is very popular. There
are four million golfers
in the UK alone.

Yeah, now, that is almost 8%
of the adult population.

And we can't really understand
this because,
as far as we can make out,

golf is extremely boring.

It is also
ruinously expensive.

A decent set of bats is
going to set you back £1,000.

And then we rang a golf club
in High Wycombe the other day,

not Wentworth. An annual
membership there is £1,000.

So that's... It's two grand
before you even start.

Well, it keeps going.
Then you have
the stupid jumpers and shoes,

and the Rupert
the Bear trousers.
It all adds up.

Then there's the cost
of joining the Freemasons.


So we were wondering,
could you do
motor racing for less?

We tend to think of motor
racing as being
catastrophically expensive,

-but is that
necessarily the case?
-We decided to find out.

We each bought
a set of wheels,

converted them into racers
as cheaply as possible

and met up at the Lydden Hill
race track in Kent.

CLARKSON: Race day dawned,
and Richard and I were there

good and early
with the cars we'd bought.

This is a 150mph BMW 328i,

-for which I paid £795.
-Nice. It looks good.

-It's a lot of car.
-And you paid what for this?

HAMMOND: This is a Citroen
Saxo VTS 1.6,
for which I paid £550.

-And it's a nice one.
It's all right.
-It is a nice one.

-That is in really good nick.
It's a hot little car.

Then James
arrived in a Toyota MR2.

-Oh, no.
-That is a surprise.

-That is an unexpected car.
-I thought he'd
been lost on the A35.

May! How much was that?


-Seriously? 450 quid?

So we've got mid-engined,
rear drive,

front-engined, front drive,
rear drive, front engine.

-That's a 328.
-I know.

-But have you seen this?
-It's brilliant, this.

I'm gonna have to say it,

and I wouldn't
normally say it,

but your cars look terrific.


-Blood type?

HAMMOND: Well, it is.

It's red. I've checked.
Stuck a pin in it.


-I don't know what I am.
-That's an exam result!

-I just made it up.
-Did you, now? Made it all up.

It's what I'm used
to seeing on forms.

I wasn't sure, so I put AB+.

'Cause That way
I'll get the lot,
so one of them will be right.


As you can see, obviously,
I've put stickers on mine.

Yeah, where did...

Well, it's the BBC... And you
have to have
stickers on a racing car.

-"Fragile roof"?
-I know,

but the BBC doesn't
allow brand names,

so I put health
and safety notices
all over it,

'cause that's
what the BBC likes.

Now, we should
explain at this point

that there are certain
safety requirements
you have to fulfil

before you go motor racing.

You have to put a roll cage,

proper seat, harness,

electrical cut-off,
fire extinguisher.
And the total cost

of doing that on
mine was around £1,000.

Yours was a bit less.

A bit less 'cause there's less
roll cage in it,

so it brings it
up to 1,400 quid
for the lot.

-And yours is?

1,400, 1,400, 1,800 all in.

So, for the price of a bag
full of golf bats,

we were ready to
go motor racing,

and the motor
racing we'd selected
was rallycross.

The beauty of this
is that half
the track is tarmac

and half is gravel and mud.

HAMMOND: As they turn into
the loose... Oh, my...

Oh, gosh, I don't
know what's happening!

CLARKSON: So, you get to do
high-speed circuit driving

and slidey rally stuff
all in the same race.

Do you know,
I used to love rallycross.

-Grandstand ,

World Of Sport ,
you had Dickie
Davies and he'd go,

"Right. This afternoon, we've
got fly-fishing,
athletics and golf."

You'd go, "Oh, no."

-And then, "And rallycross."
-MAY: Yeah.

And you had those
tiny televisions,
the black-and-white screen...

-You were watching it on.

You might have
done in Birmingham.

HAMMOND: Look at that!

HAMMOND: But then he's got
some actual track to do it on.

Or he could be standing now
with a Pringle jumper on,
going like this.

Waiting for the man in front
to have his go...

Yes. Do you know
the best thing about this

is it's really simple.

When we got
to the driver's briefing,

I realised I'd
spoken too soon.

Okay, there's 18 of you,

so when you do your heats,
if you finish first,
you get one point.

And we've got
three sets of races,

so there'll be three people
with one point,
three people with two points,

three people
with three points.
If you come seventh twice,

that gets 14 but you only
end up seventh.
You get seven points.

Why does it say 1+2=2
when clearly it isn't?

you only pick the best one.

If we were doing three,

-we'd pick the best two.
-Three what?

Three of your
points from the heats.


Happily, Captain Maths
was on hand to explain

that, in short, we'd all take
part in two heats and
at least one final.

And, with that sorted,
we got to know
the other drivers.


I notice from the entry sheet
you're all called Gary.


WOMAN: I'm not!

CLARKSON: Do you mind if
I call you Gary, just to keep
everything clear?

No, that's fine.
Just keep it simple.

Okay, but who is called Gary?
You're Gary, you're Gary

and you're both in my class?

So you're racing
in Gary class...


So you are Gary Clarkson.

MAY: I, meanwhile, was in the
modified two-litre class

and our heat was first.

I've just got
to do three laps.
That's all.

Three laps and try
not to mess it up.

look, we're getting lined up.
This is the grid. This is it!

MAN: Go!

MAY: Oh, we're off.

-CLARKSON: He is overtaking!
my God, he's about second!


-He's not... He's third.

This is good. This is good.

Now I'll have him!

-Come on, come on!
-Oh! This is exciting!

-Oh, he's gone to second!
-He's overtaken...
No, he hasn't.

But this is
genuinely exciting racing
with James May in it!

And remember,
this costs less than golf.

This bloke's
all over my chuff!

Right, watch this!

Oh, no! No, I've got it back.

No... Oh, he's lost it.

I've broken something.

-Sod it!

-We must not laugh...

When he gets back.


How bad is it?

HAMMOND: I suppose it's just
at the wings on the wheel.

Has the suspension collapsed?

Every time I braked,
it just veered off.

James! Do you know that,
you were in second place?

-Yeah, I know.
-You were in
third for a long time.

It was extremely exciting.

MAY: Next up in
the stock hatch class
was Professor Richard Hammond,

who was still trying to get
to grips with
the scoring system.

Six plus one equals one,
because that's the result

they carry forwards...

Which means I could end up
in final C,
which C comes before A...

I'm just gonna drive around
as fast as I can.

-Oh, he's going to...
-Not bad, not bad!

It's a blinding
start from Hammond!

I love the rough stuff!

The agile front-drive Citroen
was brilliant in the mud.

Yeah, ha, ha!

But I could have done with
a bit more
power on the tarmac.

I haven't quite got the legs
on this one up to the top.
Might have.

I braked myself
into that quite hard.

MAY: He might have done it...
No, he's not gonna do it

unless he can
get a lot of speed
down the hill.

Oh, this is an epic battle
for third place.

Oh, ho!

Oh, wait, he's through.

MAY: He's done a move.
He's overtaken somebody!

HAMMOND: Oh, this is exciting.
It's too
exciting even to speak!

Uh-oh, that was a punt!

Could be playing golf,
Could be playing golf.

He's not gonna come third.
That would be impossible.

Come on. Come on!

Yeah, ha!
Third place, that'll do me.
Come on!

Has anybody ever
left a golf course
feeling this high?



Hammond, that was absolutely
rostrum or hospital.
I loved it.

So, third? That's exciting,
yeah. It's great!

CLARKSON: It was now my turn
and I was a bit nervous

because the big
engine in my BM

meant I was in the
top, super-modified class,

where three of the Garys
were former champions.

Ha, ha!
Loneliest man in the world!
Get in there and be alone.

Maybe I should
go and play golf.


because we need to see
what golf is
like in comparison.

we need to prove our point,

which means you have
to drive that
against these people.

Crack on, Clarkson. Go on.

James spent a few moments

asking the other drivers
to be nice to me.

-Don't be nice to him, okay?
-I'm not gonna be.

Just muller him. Top man.

CLARKSON: And then
it was time for action.

Five seconds...



Oh, they're good.

Unbelievably, though,
I started to make up places.

Ooh, he's third, he's third!

He's gonna be third if he
can out-drag
that one, and he is!

Come on, Gary!

Gary, I'm going to get you!

I've got Gary up my chuff here

and I'm trying to take Gary
on the inside.

Then the super-modified Garys
put me in my place.

Oh! Heavens,
that was a big shunt.

I may be off
the track slightly here.


CLARKSON: Spurred on by the
support of my colleagues,
I chased after the pack.

come on, Jeremy, concentrate.
Let's go get 'em!

But before I could catch up,
the race was over.

That was
brilliant and I was last!

Some of you will
probably be thinking,

"I'd like to do that,
but what about safety?"

Well, the number of people
killed last year
in rallycross, was nought.

The number of people
killed on
the golf course was...

Well, nobody knows,
but it's many, many people.

God, that was good fun!

And the fun continued
for the rest of the afternoon.

Loads of short,
hard, fast action.

And the racing was epic!

Oh, look at that
manoeuvre by the Mini!

That's Gary the girl.

CLARKSON: Gary the girl
going round the outside.

Ooh, Gary's off the track.
Come on, this is good.

MAY: Oh, it's absolutely
wheel-to-wheel stuff.

Spectacular racing.

MAY: Gary the girl!

I've never seen
a race where two people
are side by side all the time.


MAY: In his second race,
Richard got another third,

despite a bit of a moment.

Whereas, in his next heat,
Jeremy improved massively.

I'm not last! I'm not last!

I'm second to last.

MAY: Then it was my turn,
and they put my hastily
repaired car on pole.


I'm ready.

What a start.

He's straight into the lead!

James May is, there's no other
word for it, Winning!

Oh, he's gone off, look.


Right, now I've got
some racing to do.


MAY: Three
completely blind laps later,
I finished last, again,

with yet another
wound on my MR2.

-Oh, yeah!
-Oh, mate!

CLARKSON: With the points
from the heats all added up,

we learned that Richard,
with his two third places,

had qualified for
the B-class final.

Whereas, James and I
were in the final for losers.

That means you and I
get to race each other, then.

-Yeah, I know.
That'll end well, won't it?

Yeah, but, if you actually
stop and think about
the scoring system here,

it's clever because it means
you will always
end up in a final,

irrespective of
how rubbish you are.

HAMMOND: The final
for losers went well.

James got up to
third and stayed there.

That was terrific!
Did you see that?
Did you see me all over him?

And as for the orangutan...

Jeremy, you're winning!
You're actually
winning something!

Miracles have happened here,
ladies and gentlemen, today.

I have actually won a thing!

CLARKSON: The victory gave me
a chance to wear
my winning face.

And there was
another bonus as well.

What are you doing here?

Because I won the spanner
final, I'm allowed to go
into this final.

This is my final.
I don't understand.

We established in practice
you're faster around here

because you're used to driving
on wet leaves and mud.

-Because I live in Wales.

Right now I could be,
I don't know,
chatting to my caddy,

the tassels on my loafers,

instead of which,
I'm sitting here
at the wheel of my race car,

waiting to start.

This is just so much better.

What if I spoil Hammond's race
in some way?

I mean, I mustn't and I won't.

I'm going to stay at the back,
not get in anyone's way.

I shouldn't be here.

Right, five seconds...

That was a good start for me.
That puts me right
amongst the big boys.

Bad start. Really bad start.

Come on, Gary, out of the way.

he's got me on the grass!

God, this Fiesta is
really aggressive.

Oh, no, look who's there.
It's Richard Hammond,
is what it is.

How did Jeremy make up
that many places in my final?

CLARKSON: I decided
not to spoil his big race.

Then I decided I would.

Yeah, come on!

CLARKSON: Oh, yes!


Come on, Beemer! Come on, now!

Oh, he's left me a gap.

No, I've gone wide!

Ooh, that was a biggie!

CLARKSON: There was now just
one lap left to take Hammond.

Got more
traction here, sunshine.

Coming up the inside of you.

There you go.

Come on!

Clarkson's right behind me.

Come on, now!

BMW on my inside.
This is where
he's got the power.

I'll get him on the outside.

Leave him all
the room in the world.

I've been hit!

He actually
turned his wheel there.
The camera will reveal that.

Come on, little Citroen.
Everything you have!

There's the chequered flag.

Second place.

And an amazingly
third place for Jezza.

Woo-hoo, hoo-hoo!

How good was that?

That was
absolutely brilliant fun.

Two more different cars
you can't imagine

pitting against one another,
having a great race!

That was tremendous.

That was brilliant! Really.
I know. It was.

One of the best
days of my life.

Really and truly,
one of the best
days of my life.

We went to prove
a point and we did.

My hair feels like
it's standing on end.

And you've got to
ask the question,

"Why would you play golf
when you can do that?"

I'm not given to
this sort of thing,
as you know,

but it was
absolutely brilliant,

and I even enjoyed watching
that last race with you two.

I'm sorry to keep
banging on about it,

but this whole racing car

costs less than this
plastic bag full of sticks.

I know. But on the money
front, can I inject
a note of caution?

If I were to be racing
my Saxo next weekend,

I would want to spend 100 quid
on some stiffer suspension.

-It was quite bouncy.
-Very bouncy.

I must say I'd
want to do something
about the rear end on mine,

because it was a bit...

-It was very tail-happy.

And there is gonna come a time
when the children say,

"Mummy, why aren't
we having a holiday
this year?"

Daddy spent all our money
on shock absorbers."

Yeah, it is going to add up,
but it doesn't matter

it really doesn't, because,
as we've just proved,
rallycross is brilliant.

And whatever you do, I urge
you, get a racing licence,
get some cheap wheels,

find the nearest place where
you can do it,
get out there and do it.

And all the Garys
are really friendly.

they are, but the thing is,

the Garys are friendly,
but the Richards, they're not.

-I'm sorry to bring this up.

No, on the last lap,

-you tried to ram
me off the track.
-I did not!

-Well, you did.
It was attempted murder.
-It wasn't!

All right, look.
As we promised last week,

we'll have a proper
steward's enquiry about this.

We have on-board cameras.
We've got footage.
Let's have a look.


CLARKSON: Here we go.
Coming up to where
the incident happened.

Let's listen to what he says.

Got to shut
the door on him here.
I'm sorry. Argh!


You said, "Got to shut
the door on him. Ha-ha-ha-ha!"

Well, I did say that. I did.

And you were
wrenching the wheel left.
I did not do that!

Look at
the steering wheel here.

Look, he's going
round a right-handed
corner. Left!

Left again! Left again!

-You did! You did.
-Yeah, I did do that.
Yeah, I did.

So, who here thinks that
Richard Hammond is guilty?

-Yes! Well...
-You see,
now, if this was Formula 1,

Hammond would
be forced to take
a drive-through penalty

and that would spoil the race
for the spectators. Exactly.

So I think we
can do it better.

Yeah. Sorry, mate.

Listen, it was racing.

You little scallywag!
I'll get you next time.

And that, Mr Ecclestone,
is how you deal with disputes.


-It was brilliant.
-I don't care.
I could've come last.

And normally, of course,
that would be that,

but because it's
the end of the series,
we've got a treat for you.

Oh, have we ever!

Because, to play us out,
with his version of Jessica ,
Slash is back!


I'll tell you what,

he's a lot better at that
than he is at driving.

(LAUGHS) He's quicker!