Top Gear (2002–…): Season 18, Episode 3 - Episode #18.3 - full transcript

Tonight, I drive around a field,

James measures a runway,

and Richard lays a cable.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Thank you. Hello, everybody!

Hello and good evening. Thank
you so much. Thank you. Thank you.

Now, as we know,

James May lives in 1956.

So he maintains that you can have
more fun in a small, simple car

like an Austin A35
or a Wolseley Hornet, than you

can in the big,
fire-spitting super-cars



that Hammond and I thump round
the track every week.

Yes, so we said to him, "All right,
as a special treat this week,

"why don't you do the power test?

"Get yourself down to the track
because we have found a car

"that could have been made
specifically with you in mind."

JEREMY CACKLES

When I arrived at the track,
everything looked promising.

That is...

a Vauxhall Corsa.

Ah, there's a note.

It's from Pinky and Perky.

"Dear James, hope you enjoy
taking this to the max.

"PS, it was developed
at your most favourite place

"in the whole wide world."



Oh, God.

This wasn't what I had in mind.

But since I was here
and the camera crew were paid for,

I had no choice
but to get on with it.

Well, it's certainly quick.
0 to 60 in 6.5 seconds.

And a top speed of
145 miles an hour.

Hell, this is a Vauxhall Corsa!

The engine is a beefed-up version
of the standard 1.6-litre turbo.

And it's now been coupled
with a new sports exhaust,

as a result of which,
it produces 202 horsepower.

202 horsepower is a huge amount
put through the front wheels

of a small car like this.

And the results
ought to be pretty dramatic.

And by dramatic, I mean, of course,
appalling in the bends.

So let's see if that's true
with the aid of our senior

cornering solutions consultant.

TYRES SQUEAL

Now, on paper,
this really ought not to work,

all that power in the front wheels
should just make it

plough straight on in the corners
and consume its own tyres.

But actually, it doesn't.

The reason for that is they've
given this car a bespoke suspension,

especially set-up for this and
they've developed a clever diff,

which manages the way the power
is fed to the wheels.

It's good, isn't it?

It's actually better than good.

And I have to admit, that its time
on the Nurburgring has made this

one of the best-handling
hot hatchbacks you can buy.

So it was developed on a track.
And it's brilliant on a track.

But on the road...

Bloody hell.

Well, I'm very pleased to be able
to report that my prejudices

remain completely intact.

When you add the word Nurburgring
to the name of a car,

it's really just code for "ruined",

because the ride
is absolutely rock hard.

Ooh! It's ridiculous.

Ooh!

Car makers become obsessed
with making their cars

go around this
irrelevant historic...

German racetrack
as fast as possible,

without realising
that they're ruining the car

for those of us
who live in the real world.

Ow! It's utterly hopeless.

It's not just ruined,
it's expensively ruined,

because this car costs ?22,000.

With a few options,
like leather seats and sat nav,

it's over ?24,000.

This isn't what I meant
when I said small cars can be fun.

What I meant was this -
the new Fiat Panda.

It doesn't have a yobbo body kit
or a map of a track on the dash

and although its engine
IS turbocharged,

it's only a 0.8-litre two-cylinder

that makes a modest
84 horsepower.

Yet, I believe this car
is more fun than the Corsa.

TYRES SQUEAL

It's not actually about
how much power you have,

it's about how much power
you can use.

And in this, you can use pretty
much all of it, all of the time.

Ahh!

HE LAUGHS

'Look, I like sitting 5mm above the
road in a 500 horsepower supercar

'as much as anybody else.'

Whee!

'But skinny tyres
and a roly-poly body, that's fun.'

The lack of grip means that,
more of the time,

you are driving this car at the
edge, even at quite normal speeds

and it's at the edge where things
become absolutely tremendous.

Oh, bit of squirrelling.

And as for that engine, well,
it may be tiny but it packs a punch.

And it sounds just brilliant.

I love that thrumming noise!
Rrrrrr!

It's such a happy sound.

It's a bit like a dog running round
with a frisbee in its mouth going

"Come on, come on,
throw the frisbee."

And the cost of this bundle of fun?

Around ?11,000.

Half the price of the Corsa.

However, there is a potential
problem with a small-engined car.

Here's the Stig,
taking the Panda from 0...

... to 70 and back to nought again.

He did that,
according to the wheel o'distance,

in 305 metres.

But the big question is, how does
a small-engined car like this cope

when it's weighed down with people?

Now, if it's just the Stig,
then it makes no odds,

as you can see quite clearly.

But if it's normal
members of the public,

then I think we may have a problem.

You see,
according to the newspapers,

more than a quarter of adults
are now obese.

And in just a few years' time,

over 50% of the population
will be absolutely enormous.

So, what could
a typical family of the future

do to this car's performance?

BEEP

TYRES SQUEAL

320...

325...

Right, so with just the Stig,
it was 305 metres.

With our family on board,

it took an extra
177 metres,

more than half as much again.

So, if you buy this car,

you might want to think about
going easy on the pasties.

But trust me, it's worth it.

James Hunt was once famously asked,

what was the best car he'd ever
driven and the answer was not

a Ferrari or a Porsche
or any supercar,

it was his old Austin A35 van,

which had virtually no power
and very, very skinny tyres.

In other words, exactly the same
qualities you get with the Panda.

And if that's good enough
for James Hunt, I rest my case.

Thank you.

And goodbye.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

I'm...

I'm glad you brought
James Hunt into it, James...

I'm always getting
you two muddled up.

Well, we do have quite
a lot in common. I mean, same name.

Same hair.
I wish you had the same pulse rate.

Because I have never heard
so much drivel.

Let me make it absolutely plain.

A car becomes interesting at
the limit of grip of its tyres, OK?

And in things like a big Lambo or a
big Aston, those things you like,

that happens
at really colossal speed.

So you have to drive them on
the track to have fun in them. Yes.

On a car like this, that stuff
happens at normal speeds,

so you don't need
to go to the track.

You enjoy them on a normal road
at normal speeds.

That's rubbish. A normal hatchback,
you drive it round a city centre,

it's not skidding about
all over the place. But this is.

This is on those eco fuel-saving
tyres. I went straight off...

So you're saying, the Fiat Panda's
good because it crashes more easily?

LAUGHTER

Yes.

And, it's now time to find out
how fast it goes around our track.

No, no, no. The programme isn't
long enough to put a Panda round.

Oh, go on! It isn't, it isn't.

We're going to see how fast
the Vauxhall goes and that means,

of course, handing it over
to our tame racing driver.

Some say that he has 50,000
photographs of his own camera.

LAUGHTER

And that 60 years ago this week,
he, too, became a queen.

LAUGHTER

All we know is
he's called the Stig!

And he's away.
Lots of wheel spin off the line.

It's a cold day out there.

The air's dense and small
turbocharged engines like that.

Look at it flying
into the first corner.

Sticky tyres howling in pain.

"THE ARCHERS" THEME TUNE

Oh, dear, the Stig continues
his obsession with The Archers,

tracking tidily around Chicago.

Clever limited slip diff
doing its job.

Hard on the brakes for Hammerhead.
Will it understeer?

No. Getting a bit squirrelly,
though.

Looks like the back end
wants to step out.

Certainly more exciting
to watch than May's Panda.

'I'm not very hungry.

I've been nibbling all morning
making stuff for the freezer for Thursday.'

Midlands mimsy there.

Right, unleashing all it's got.
Chucking snow on to the follow-through.

There's no doubt, cars developed at
the Nurburgring are useless on the road.

James is right about that but this
isn't a road and it's doing well.

A little blob of phlegm.
Coming up now to Gambon.

Round it like it terrier
and across the line!

APPLAUSE

And it did it in one minute...

19.2.

No, it didn't.

One minute 31 seconds
is where it did it.

So, James, can we now stop doing
small, simple hatchbacks

in the power tests? You can, yes.
Good, thank you.

You are sacked.

LAUGHTER

Well, that's good news. And speaking
of which, it is time to do the news.

I start off with something
very exciting. Because there is

a new Morgan and after an absence
of ten years,

they have revived
their legendary Plus 8 name.

They've made a new one. I have
a picture. Here it is. Oh, yeah.

Oh, God. Morgan don't have
a styling department, do they?

They've just got a photocopier.

It's not like a normal photocopier.
Normally, you select the size.

On Morgans, you select the year.
Anything from 1931 to 1935.

Shut up. It's an all-new car.
It's got the classic body shape, yes.

But it's got
a 4.8-litre BMW V8 in there.

It'll be good for 60,
probably under four seconds.

It's going to be the fastest-accelerating
Morgan they've made ever.

Wow(!) It's exciting!

Do you have to buy the petrol with
those ration coupons? No, shut up.

It's actually very modern.

It's got a bonded aluminium chassis
and the aluminium body

is super formed, it's very hi tech.
What? How many guineas is it?

LAUGHTER

Its 85,000 POUNDS.

It's very modern and hi tech and I want one
of those very much indeed. It's fantastic.

You can't have one, there's a war on.
LAUGHTER

They'll have to melt it down
to make Spitfires.

Shut up, it's exciting
and I want one.

I've got news about Toyota and Subaru
because they've collaborated on a new car.

It's called a GT 86.

This is going to be ?25,000,

which makes it more expensive
than a VW Scirocco.

And it's not the best-looking car
in the world, is it?

No, it isn't.

But the interesting thing about it,

the thing that means everyone
is anticipating this very eagerly,

is it has a limited slip
differential and rear-wheel drive.

It's hard to explain
really to non-car people

why real-wheel drive is important.
So, let me put it this way.

Front-wheel drive is cornflour.

And rear-wheel drive it is a roux.

That's quite good, isn't it?
Yes, that's good.

What are you going on about?!

Cornflour,
you use it to thicken a sauce, say.

Why would you want to thicken
a sauce?

Ketchup comes out of a bottle

and I don't want it thicker,
that's just what it is.

I have to let you into
a little secret we learned.

Richard Hammond has his Sunday lunch
every Sunday.

Anyone here familiar with
the Countrywide chain of stores?

Yeah? They are big cash-and-carry
warehouses for rural people.

And you go there and buy stones and
gravel and things for your horses

and he has his lunch there.

They do a nice Sunday roast, 5.99.
How much?

5.99 and you get all
the vegetables you want.

I bet you any money
that they have wilted

cos they've been
boiled for so long.

They're properly cooked,
yeah.

That's not properly cooked!
That's ruined!

"Oh, Richard Hammond will be here on
Sunday, we better put the sprouts on now."

It's like going for your lunch
in B&Q.

A big treat, children, this week, we
are going to have lunch in Halfords!

That's very funny
but can I get back to the car?

The thing about it is,
it isn't a great-looking car

and it is a bit pricey, but,
it also has a boxer engine in it.

Yes, two-litre.
That's good, isn't it?

Would you like to explain, Jeremy,

why having a boxer configuration
engine is a good thing?

Yes, I will.

Really?

A boxer engine is like going to Jamie
Oliver's restaurant for your lunch.

And a normal engine
is like going to Countrywide

with over-boiled vegetables.

It's a nice lunch. They give you
a wooden spoon with a number on

and when they call the number, you get your
meat and then all the vegetables you want.

WEST COUNTRY ACCENT:
"Mr Hammond, your table for four."

LAUGHTER

Good news, chaps. No, what?
There's a new Dacia.

CHEERING
Thank you.

And I've got a picture of it.
That's a looker, isn't it?!

Anyway, moving on.

Whiplash is a charter
for fraudsters.

We all know this.
You have a car accident

and you go, "Oh, I've got whiplash,"

and you rape the other motorist's
insurance policy

and you get benefits
for the rest of your life.

The Government
has said this has to stop.

So they have announced,
the Government, all right,

that if the impact speed
is less than 6.25 miles an hour,

you can't have whiplash.

6.25? 6.25.

But they're also saying that if it is 6.5,
you could get whiplash at that speed.

You can do that speed
sitting down quickly.

Look, I'm doing 6.25,
I've got whiplash.

It should be 63.
That would be a reasonable speed.

The question should be, he is your
car absolutely and entirely wrecked?

Is it crumpled like a discarded crisp bag,
in which case, you might have a point.

Has the boot lid badge been
a stencilled on to your own spine?

Well, then you've got whiplash.

No, it's can you actually
look up your own arse now?

LAUGHTER

Then you've possibly
got some whiplash. Could be.

I do genuinely believe that people
who've got whiplash when they haven't,

I don't believe in capital
punishment, but they should be shot.

Where would you shoot them?
In the head.

I meant more sort of geographically.
Yeah.

Oh, God.

On their own or in front of anyone,
Do you want to say that? Sort it out.

Goes well when you do.
Maybe on a different show.

Let's just get it so we can
straighten out your belief.

Who do you think should be shot,
where and in front of whom?

Oh, now, moving it on...

LAUGHTER

I've got some actual news.
Don't be daft. In our news section?

In the news section.
It's not just rubbish.

Careful,
we're in uncharted waters here. OK.

I have it on good authority that
Land Rover is currently working

on a 300-horsepower convertible
version of the new Evoke.

The Evoke? Have you got a picture?

I've got a picture here of the
hard-top one. It's so secret, this.

Only I... Well, everybody now
knows about it. So I thought...

Stand back, he's got scissors!

Oh ho! Look at him concentrate,
look at him now!

LAUGHTER

It's the Top Gear orang-utan,
look at his happy little face.

Completely absorbed in his own world.

And if you watch very carefully,

you can see Jeremy's mouth
moving in time.

It's quite tricky
going down the wing mirror.

A tricky bit now, isn't it? Ready?

And across the line!

Actually, it looks quite good,
doesn't it! Am I right in saying,

that would be the first ever
convertible off-road car?

Yeah, well, apart from
the original Willys Jeep,

the first Toyota Land Cruiser and the
original Land Rover. Apart from that...

Apart from the very origins, Genesis,
the whole foundation, if you will,

of the entire concept
of the off-roader

is founded upon a convertible.

Did I say that out loud?
You did and we all heard it.

That's a bit like saying they should
make a song called Blue Suede Shoes.

Yes, they should do.

There's a new car
I want to tell you about.

I'll flash it up on the screen
for one second

and I want you to tell me
what it is.

Are you ready?
Here we go. And, on.

And off. What was that?

Aston Martin. You see, it wasn't.

That, in fact, let's get it up
again, that is the new Mondeo.

Is it?
Was it done by a Chinese person?

LAUGHTER

Let me explain
because this is quite complicated.

That's been launched in America
already as the Ford Fusion.

It's not coming to Britain
until next year.

So Ford in Britain, they're not
admitting that is the new Mondeo

because they think people won't
continue to buy the current one
for a year,

but it is the new Mondeo
and it's coming next year, so there.

Now, if you're under 40,
you may not remember

a television show
called The Sweeney.

So, to fill you in, every week,
it was a cop show in essence.

Every week, the hero would have
some casual sex with a lady.

Then he'd punch a baddie in the
middle of his face and then drive

a Ford Granada very briskly across
some waste ground in Saaf London.

Now, the reason we bring this up
is we heard

the other day that they were making
a film of this TV series

starring Ray Winstone and Plan B.

And this gave us an idea.

For ages, we have wanted to make
a proper movie car chase.

We reckon we'd be pretty good at it.

So we got in touch with
the film's producers and we said,

"There's bound to be a car chase
in it so can Hammond and I

"make it for you?"

And they said yes!

This being The Sweeney, the location
was in the Saaf of England.

And while the main crew were
hard at work shooting shoot-outs...

And people jumping off boats,

Hammond and I were trying to decide
what sort of car chase

we wanted to make.

And then there was the Bond film
in Vietnam and it was just

stupid stunt, after stupid stunt,
all shot from a helicopter.

So you never had a sense of speed.

So you want to be close, so if a car
does like a jump and a roll,

you want to be up close
and maybe see the driver's face,

as if you were in the car?

No, there is no jump and roll. There
would be stunts, it is a car chase.

No, no.

Here is an idea. So, say,
helicopter here. Car comes out.

Barrel roll happens. Bam! Boom!

You want be back wide
so you can see the helicopter.

We are not having any cars
crashing into helicopters. But...

No, we're not. Why? Because that's
just stupid. This is the Sweeney.

It's a real police chase. Honestly,
just think. Ronin, Bullitt.

The Italian Job, the original one.

Good, gritty car chases
because they're real.

How many jumps where the car went
"Whee!" Were there in Ronin?

But we need to drag The Sweeney
into this century

so we need cars
going into helicopters.

What are those drawings?
What are those drawings?

Car going into helicopter.
We haven't got... What's that?!

That is very clever.

Right. Train going along.
There isn't a carriage.

It's one of those flat ones.
And he times his jump... No, no, no.

No. There's a chance...

'Since we weren't
getting anywhere...' No!

'...I went off to meet our actors.'

I want to shoot 'em.
No, you've shot four already.

Shoot them together. Hello.

Actors, hi. My name's Richard.
I'm, I'm, the director, I suppose.

And, um, so, you're Plan B?
I'm Plan B, nice to meet you.

Can I call you Plan?
Yeah, if you want.

And, over here, of course, morning.
Delighted to meet you.

Hello, mate.

It's an honour to work with you,
really.

When are you working with us?

Later on today we are going to be
doing some stunt work.

You'll be able to handle it,
the variety of stuff you've done.

We're a bit busy in here
at the minute.

Can you go and rabbit
somewhere else?

I know you are busy,
that's great. It'll be mega!

And you're going to handle all of it
so well.

What am I going to handle well?
What are you talking about?

The Long Good Friday. Grit, anger in
there. The Long Good Friday. Anger.

And the same career, Who Framed
Roger Rabbit? No, that's not him.

No, I'm not Bob Hoskins, mate.

Whilst Hammond was making
friends with the stars,

I was making the cars that
the film's producers had chosen.

The baddies would be using
a Jaguar XFR.

And the goodies, a Ford Focus ST.

And straight away,
there's a problem.

Because anyone who knows anything
about cars will watch this film

and say, "There's no way
that a Ford Focus

"can keep up with a supercharged
500-horsepower V8 Jag."

The speed difference,

as I shall now demonstrate
on our closed piece of road, is...

immense.

ENGINE ROARS

To make matters worse,
this isn't an ST.

It's a 1.6-litre eco boost
with ST badges,

ST wheels and look,
fake dials on the dashboard.

I decided to put these concerns
to the film's director, Nick Love.

The problem you've got is a Ford
Focus cannot keep up with a Jag.

It's about the skill of the driver,
not the car.

It's a story being told.

No. If Regan is a good driver, he
can keep up with anybody. You can't.

You can in my film. You can't,
because we are directing this.

You're going to have to get
faster cars than the Focus.

We have a very restricted amount
of money and we can't...

What are we going to do,
buy Ferraris? What's the budget?

Of the film? Yes.
Three million quid. Whoa!

What, for just this film?
Three million. That's nothing.

Let's put them in Veyrons, Bugatti.
You could get two for that.

Could you also explain to him,
we're trying to keep it real.

He wants to do this thing where
it jumps over a train.

The idea is, get this...
That's bollocks.

A train comes along
and when it comes through,

your man's there in his car
and he times it...

jumps through the gap.
That's real. Brilliant.

We're going to need something
faster than the Focus.

No, we're just going to think big
in terms of action.

This is a motorway bridge.

You know, where they haven't
finished building, but look,

it's beginning to twist and that's
a helicopter. I'm getting a migraine.

You are talking BLEEP,
the pair of you.

You want to do a commercial and you
want a film that no-one will believe.

If you're going to do it, do it
properly, that's all I'm saying.

Having got the distinct impression
that I couldn't change the cars,

I had to get creative.

Sorry about this, mate.
We have the baddie.

So, the front-wheel drive Ford

would be driven by former rally
champion Mark Higgins,

and the rear-drive Jag by
drifting world champion Mauro Calo.

OK. Three, two, one,
to catch up, go.

And to get round
the speed difference,

I'd created a scene in which
the Jag is held up by traffic.

HORN BLARES

And three, two, one, hit.

Try again, try again, try again.

Whoa!

Yes!

Man alive,
are we getting some shots here!

Whilst Jeremy was lost
in the land of reality,

I was at the location
for the climax of the chase,

a deserted caravan park, where
I was setting up a dramatic jump.

You're all right, you're all right.

Oh, yeah. And hold it there,
that's perfect.

I come racing up that field.
Between those two posts

there'll be a barrier and I smash
through it. That's some drama.

Up the ramp, I get air.

There, past the caravans
and land on the grass.

With the ramp
hidden from the cameras,

I nicked one of the back-up Focuses
and was ready to go.

I'd love it if they use
the actual shot with me doing it.

That would be brilliant.
I'd be in the film.

First off,
drive through the gate post.

And now, get me some air!

Yeah! That felt good, that felt
like we had air and everything.

However, when I watched it
back on the monitor...

Play it again.

This is rubbish.

Meanwhile, I was now filming
the cars from the front,

which meant my drivers had to be made
to look exactly like the main actors.

What's going to happen
is your alongside him.

You're going exactly the same speed.
When he's ready to make this turn,

you're not ready to make this turn,
you think he's going on down there.

He's going to lock up,
which causes your handbrake turn

but we'll get that in a minute.

I then disconnected the Jag's
anti-lock brakes so it would lock up

in a cloud of tyre smoke
and then we went for a take.

OK, we're ready.

Mark, less moving around,
less moving.

Yes, that's good.

Oh!

TYRES SQUEAL

Ooh!

I may have to go to the lavatory
for a little while.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

What? Hold on a minute.

How the hell could you not know
who Ray Winstone is?

Think that it - middle-aged,
Cockney actor,

it's just Bob Hoskins, isn't it?
It just is.

And that bit with the car
when you drove them together,

that was just wanton destruction?
No, it wasn't.

We had three Jags.
And five Ford Focuses.

And remember, we had ?3 million
to play with.

No, we didn't have
three million quid

but we were allowed to do
light damage. We really were.

Anyway,
we'll pick that up later on.

Now, it is time to put
a star in our reasonably priced car.

Over the years, we've had
many guests on this programme.

All different sorts. Men, women,

Americans, Germans.

A lesbian.

LAUGHTER

We've never had a Canadian, though.

That, however,
is ABOOT to change.

Ladies and gentlemen,
please welcome Ryan Reynolds!

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

How are you?
I'm very well, how are you?

I'm very well, thank you.

Hi, everybody. Hello, hello.

Hello! Have a seat.

I'd love to. Have a seat.

It's like looking in a mirror!
It really is!

It really is! Not for you!

So, 2010, you were voted
the sexiest man alive.

AUDIENCE: Woo!

That was 2010, though!

I'm on the lecture circuit now!

I was just thinking,
your schooldays,

were they just a blizzard of
snogging and smooth moves?

No, it wasn't that. I was a bit of
a little pariah at school.

I have three older brothers,

all of whom were kicked out of
this very same school,

so from the moment I got there,
I was a marked man.

What were they kicked out for?

Just random things.
Just mostly drugs and violence.

OK!

And I was kicked out for something
I think you'd appreciate.

I was kicked out for stealing a car.

Stealing a car? But wait,
I didn't actually steal a vehicle.

What we did was, a teacher that
we had was just 100% awful,

he had this little car,
one of those little Volkswagens,

and so my friends and I just played
an April Fools' prank on him.

We picked it up, we lifted it up
and carried it down the block,

about eight of us.

We talked about this last week.

The best fun you can have
with a little car is pick it up

and turn it round so it's facing
the other way... Fun practical joke.

That's a better idea,

because in Canada, if you move it
more than ten feet, it's a felony.

I didn't know that.

So you moved a car
more than ten feet

and then that was grand theft auto?

Yeah, one city block
was, yeah, 100% grand theft.

Now, obviously,
sexiest man alive, 2010,

but reading through your notes,
also clumsiest man alive.

Mmm. Oh, definitely, yeah.

There's a thing...
Zurich, Switzerland...

it is impossible to
hurt yourself in Zurich.

You go there, you eat cheese
and then you come home.

So, how did you manage to hurt
yourself? I jumped off a bridge.

But there was water below.

And I dove in and
I broke a vertebrae by diving in.

AUDIENC GROANS

You've also been run over?
I have been run over, yeah.

I was 19 years old, I was
in Vancouver and I was at a bar,

I had a few drinks, I'd left my car
and I decided to walk home.

Being responsible. Exactly.

And I was crossing the street,
it was about two in the morning

and I was hit by a drunk driver.

LAUGHTER

I always wondered if he tells people
that he got hit by a drunk pedestrian.

LAUGHTER

I would. So did that hurt?

Yeah, that was bad.
I broke a lot of bones.

That was all the left side
of my body I broke.

But I was 19, so at that point,
you're just made of rubber and magic.

LAUGHTER

You healed?
Yeah.

Bearing in mind you can't jump off
a bridge without breaking your back,

was skydiving
the perfect hobby to take up?

God, you're like my mother!

LAUGHTER
Old enough! Just killing me!

My friends were trying to
get their license,

so I decided I would
get my license, skydiving,

and I did 12 jumps,
which were all highly successful!

And then it was 13!

And the 13th one, I had a problem,
where the chute didn't open,

and I had to pull the reserve.

But the weird thing is, when
you're in a situation like that,

you're flying down
at 120 miles per hour,

and when your chute doesn't open,

you seriously have to think about
pulling the other one.

That's the weird thing.
Time slows down and you're thinking,

"If I pull the other one,
then I'll have none left."

LAUGHTER

"So, I'm just going to wait to see
if something happens."

And sure enough, at the last minute,
I pulled the reserve chute,

which you can't steer,
and I ended up landing in a field

which contained only a dead horse.
I don't know what omen that is.

Usually, it's a black crow
that tells you you're going to die,

but I just landed
next to a dead horse.

You have a new film out, Safe House.
I do, yeah.

So when's the movie out? The film
is out February 24th here in the UK.

We have a clip of that, which
we're going to show for you now.

Let's have a look.

TYRES SQUEAL

APPLAUSE

That's a good crash!

It was a good crash!

That's Denzel Washington.
Yes, backseat driving right there!

Elbowing you in the face! Yeah.

So what is it about?
Give us the plot, give us the story.

I play a guy who's what's called
a safe house operator, a housekeeper.

There are CIA-owned apartments
and flats all around the world,

and they're run by
usually a low-level CIA guy.

And then, one day, in walks
Denzel Washington's character,

who's probably one of
the world's worst murdering,

sociopathic Hannibal Lecter types.

And I'm left to deal with this guy,

who I'm deeply ill-equipped
to deal with.

So it's not like
The Devil Wears Prada, then? No!

It's not The Proposal II.

It's not a romcom. No, that's good.

Can I just say that God
is normally quite fair... Yeah.

... with his dishing-out of talents.
For instance, David Beckham,

he's said, "He's going to be
very good-looking,

"talented footballer,

"and to balance that up,
I'll give him a squeaky voice."

You're funny and good-looking
and not fat...

... where's your squeaky voice?

What's my...? Have you got BO?

Have I got 41 nipples?
Have you got very tiny testes?

It's like Braille
down there, Jeremy.

LAUGHTER

A very short novel.
That's what it is - Braille.

Yeah, the whole system.

Everybody has...
I have a lot of things wrong.

I'm blind, I'm deaf,

I've got no sense of smell
cos I have a cold,

which I haven't mentioned.

Thank you
for the tongue kiss earlier.

LAUGHTER

Just went deep with it, too!

No, we all have crazy faults.

My fault isn't
something horrendous, like,

"I can't stop murdering children."

LAUGHTER
I just can't stop.

I like to think
I'm a horrible driver...

Horrible or bad?

I ride motorcycles everywhere, so
you can race up through traffic,

it's bumper to bumper,

and when your oncoming traffic is stopped,
you just go right up the middle.

But I have this tendency
when I am in a vehicle to think

I can slip that entire vehicle
right up the middle.

And it's only at the last second when
I'm hitting the brakes, coming to a halt.

You remember you're in a car. You
like bikes? I like bikes a lot, yeah.

What sort of bikes?

I have an old Paul Smart Ducati,
which is a nice little bike.

I know what a Ducati is!

Yeah, Ducati. I have a Deus.
Is it "Deuce" or "Day-us"?

"Day-us", yeah. It's D-E-U-S?

That's how we pronounce it,

but you guys say "Niss-un",
so I have no idea what's happening.

Every car's pronounced differently
in America.

The Hyundai's a "Hundee".
"Nee-sun, Vee-dub-ya, Jag-war.

"Bee-em-dub-ya."

Here, what is it, "Jag-yur"?

"Jag-yoo-ar." How it's spelt. Yeah.

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

No, I'm sorry, that was mean of me!

Now, you came down here to obviously

try your hand
in the Kia Cee-apostrophe-d.

What was your goal?

My goal was just to see if I could
drive a manual car.

I haven't done that since high
school, so that was interesting.

Really? Yeah.

Who'd like to see Ryan's lap?
Oh, boy. AUDIENCE: Yeah!

Play the tape!

'Aggressive start. Crisp day.'

That smells exactly like clutch.

'Smells like clutch?

'Clutch does smell like clutch.'
'Does smell bad, yeah.'

'Annoying thing.
The wide Formula 1 line in there.'

'I'm a big guy, I make that whole
car look like a children's toy.'

'You should see me in it.' 'Looks
like a sweater, made of metal.'

LAUGHTER

'Every time I shift,
I make a dumb face.'

'That's wide,
that's really wide.' 'Terrible.'

'No, it could give you a fast...
Where are you going?'

BLEEP! BLEEP manual! BLEEP!

'Yeah! There! Right?'

'The beep machine has
obviously blown up...

'Now, keeping it tidy through
the lines there. Yes, pretty good.

'Very good, actually.'

Very good.

'Are we going to be able
to find fourth?'

Turn from hell coming up.

'Oh, yeah, this turn,
not fun every time.'

'That's almost beautiful.' 'Yeah.

'That's what I call
the adult diaper.'

'Whoa, that's cutting that one!

'That's quite uncomfortable
at that speed.' 'Yeah.'

'Look at it gripping. That's nicely
done. Not too cheaty on the cutting.

'And around Gambon.'

There we are, ladies and gentlemen,
across the line! There we go!

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Wow!

So...

Where would you like to appear
on the board?

I'm going to say
somewhere in the middle.

Didn't you... Actually, I know you
did, cos you told our researchers,

you were desperate,
cos you went back out...

"Do you mind if I have another go?"
"Give me another shot."

Cos you wanted to beat Tom Cruise.

Yeah, I did want to beat Tom Cruise. I
wasn't talking about the driving, though.

LAUGHTER

Yes, I'm going to guess
that I have 1:45.

1:45? And that's being
really generous.

You did a one... Ugh!

This is terrible... forty...

OK, there's a four.

... three... Oh!

AUDIENCE: Ooh!

... point seven. You beat Tom Cruise!

You're a faster driver!

Wow!

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Wow! All right!

Congratulations. Give me that cold!

Take that back!

This is...

Wow, that's worth
getting your pneumonia for!

I love that!

Life just gets worse.

You look like that and you're funny
and you're a film star

and you can drive.

Yeah, but I break every bone
in my body

almost with the cycle of each moon,
so don't worry.

I'll hurt myself on the way out.

Well, it's been a pleasure
to meet you,

and a pleasure for those girls
to stand so close to you. Thank you!

Ladies and gentlemen, Ryan Reynolds!

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Now, tonight, Jeremy and I are
having a go at making a car chase

for the new Sweeney movie,

and so far, well, there have been
a few disagreements.

Jeremy wants the action to
be "realistic", which means "boring".

I want it to be exciting, full of
stunts and massive explosions.

It's a film!

What we've done now is
we've reconnected the ABS,

the electronic differential
is now working,

so he should be able to do
a power slide through there.

Yeah. Okey doke, here we go.
Three, two, one, hit it.

Yes, yes!

'Whilst Jeremy was faffing around
with his anti-lock brakes,

'I'd raided The Sweeney's budget

'and come up with a way of getting
the car to jump properly.'

It's an air cannon.

What it does is,
car mounted up on the cannon there,

it charges with a huge compressor
there - it's actually nitrogen...

and it fires the car out over
that way, so you get big air.

Jeremy said about keeping it real -
well, check this out.

Up there. So often when you see a car jump
in a film, you realise the engine's gone.

Not this time - I've left it in.

Three million quid -
what's an engine?

'With the cannon primed,
we were ready for lift-off.'

OK, three, two, one!

That's the jump!

Yes!

'Mr Picky, however,
wasn't so impressed.'

Have you ever heard
the word "continuity"? Yes.

Here is your car.

Yes. Right, the next shot is what?

The next shot is...

Ah, no, this is where there'll be
another car driving away.

No, we see it land on its roof...

... and then we're expected to believe
that somehow it's still driveable?

This is the movies,
that's what happens.

Did you never watch... CHiPs?
Remember that?

They'd ride along, one minute
you've got a man on a Harley

approaching the back of a lorry
with its tailgate down,

then he's done a massive jump,
briefly he's on a dirt bike,

then he lands,
he's back on the Harley again.

That's rubbish. That's the movies!
We all expect that!

This car will never work!
It's not plausible!

You can't edit your way out of that!

Just let me get in the edit suite
and work some magic.

You won't believe it.

'First, though, I needed
some close-up shots of the actors,

'which I would then cut
into the scene

'where the car flies
through the air.'

Does Nick know about this? Yeah,
yeah, bang on. Are you sure? Yeah.

'Because we'd got off
to a bad start,

I was keen to demonstrate
they were in good hands.'

You're going to be in the air,
and at that point,

if you'd both give me excitement -
you're in a chase - elation...

you're in the air - but I want to see
determination as well.

You're in a chase,
mixed with vengeful, righteous fury.

So there's so many emotions
going on in this split second,

there's so many emotions
you're going to have to feel.

Let's start with nothing, OK? OK.

That's a blank canvas.
As you hit the ramp...

Richard, I don't feel like
you're giving me enough direction.

You're giving it all to him. What
about me? Ben, blank again for me.

Blank. You're throwing a hissy now,
ain't you?

Let's blank it and let's start...

OK, remember, elation, excitement,
vengeful fury and fear.

So, vengeful fury comes before fear?

At the same time.
What am I frightened of, though?

It's already happened, ain't it?

I wouldn't be frightened
after the event.

Wouldn't I be frightened when
I'm in the air? We're in the air.

Oh, them four emotions
take place in the air? Yeah.

You're in the air for a while.
It'll be a long while, won't it?

It's a big jump.

And just one last thing -
we have to land.

I'm going to say, "Forwards,"
and you go forwards, I'm going say,

"Backwards..."
Forwards, backwards, and away.

Forwards, backwards,
forwards and away,

or backwards, forwards, backwards?

No, it's forwards,
you land forwards, backwards,

forwards, backwards, then drive away.

I thought there had to be
another backwards.

Oh, I'm confused. Don't forget,

I want to catch just a whispering
trace of those emotions from the sky.

They're dissipating as you land...

Oh, don't he go on! BLEEP sake.

'While Richard Ford Coppola
was with the stars,

'I was trying to make
the angry director

'understand the problems of driving
a big Jag around a caravan park.'

I have to slide this car on grass,
and the problem is,

the traction control is on,
so it's not letting me slide.

Foot hard down.

Hard down, and it won't slide.

That is the traction control on.

Can I just say, that was BLEEP.

Do you want to see it
with traction control off?

Yeah. OK.

Now watch this. OK.

Get the power on, feel the tail go.

Hold that slide.

That is what we need.

Which do you prefer,
traction control on or off?

Off. Off?

Yes. That means you're going to
have to have a line of dialogue

where one of them says,
"Turn the traction control off."

Not in my film, no. You're going to
have to. It's ten seconds to do it.

You have to hold it down
for ten seconds.

Anyone who's got a Jag watching the
film will go, "You can't do that."

It doesn't matter. It's not
a BLEEP film for Jag watchers.

It's a film for everyone
to go to the cinema.

Why doesn't he say,
"Why do they make it ten seconds?"

He can say that.
No! Cos it kills the...

WALKIE TALKIE BEEPS
Oh, BLEEP off. It kills the tension!

I want a film that connects
to a wide audience.

I know, but...
Can I finish? Can I just speak?

90 minutes into the film
is the main car chase.

You can't have someone pressing
a BLEEP button.

What are you going to do,
a close-up of a button? Yeah.

You're not putting that in my film.

I like the traction control off,
I don't want all bollocks

about what it does
and what it doesn't do.

You said you wanted me
to do something real.

I'm doing something real.

Actually, you know
what you should do - BLEEP off.

'This altercation meant the director
was not in the best of moods

'when he went to have a look
at an edit of Richard's big jump.'

Right, look.
This is still work in progress,

but I have begun
the polishing process,

and I've worked on the sound. OK.

Enjoy.

TYRES SCREECH LOUDLY

ENGINE REVS LOUDLY

EXPLOSION

BLEEP!

TYRES SCREECH

It's all there, isn't it?

OK, what I've done here is
I've set up a practice area

for the next stunt,

so I don't leave tyre marks
in the grass at the actual location,

which is over there.

DISTANT SHOUTS

Well, I guess we were wondering
how the world's angriest man

would respond to Hammond's car jump,
and now we know.

Come here, you BLEEP! Little BLEEP!
I'll kill you!

'Because the director
was busy hurting Richard

'for writing off one of the Fords,

'I seized the opportunity to give
the baddies their new dialogue.'

You're driving, aren't you? Yes.

I need you to say,
"Turn off the ABS."

You say, "How?"
And you say, "Pull the rhythm."

How do you say that
in Serbian? What?

How do you say it in Serbian?
I'm Serbian.

You're Serbian? Yeah.

Have a look. I've written
this all in rhyming slang.

Rhythm and blues - fuse.

Or you could say "Rodney".
No, he's a Serb.

But he'll have learned his English,
won't you, in London.

He's only been here a day.

Rhythm. Do it with a Borat accent.
AS BORAT: Pull the Rodney.

AS BORAT: Pull the Rodney. Yes!

AS BORAT: Pull the Rodney.
Rodney Bewes, fuse.

Similarly... Go on.

You go, "How many horsepower
has that Ford got?" OK, right.

"250." It hasn't actually, really,
but don't let that bother you.

"250." "God, Plod must be Robin."

Robin Hood.

"God, Plod must be Robin."
Cos they're keeping up with you.

God, Plod must be Robin. Yeah?

"We've got 503."

Now, this is the critical bit.

When you're
in the caravan site, you...

AS BORAT: Turn off
the traction control!

AS BORAT: Turn off
the traction control! Love it.

"'Ow. 'Ow. 'Ow do I do that?
Whatever you want."

Oh, "'Ow," you mean? "'Ow."
AS BORAT: Push the Len.

AS BORAT: Push the Len. Push the Len.
It's Len Hutton.

Was he a cricketer or a trade-union
leader? Trade-union leader.

Was he? No, he was a cricketer.

Whatever he was, it's Len.
AS BORAT: Push the Len.

And then, this is
the complicated bit

that we really do need to get in.

AS BORAT: You have to hold it down
for ten seconds.

AS BORAT: You have to hold it down
for ten seconds.

Yeah. It ain't
the most riveting dialogue.

It depends how you deliver it.

You're in a panic -
turn off the traction control!

Where's the Len?! Where's the Len?!

OK, all right, let's do it.
Good. Thanks very much.

'With the dialogue sorted, I went to
see my rather bruised colleague,

'who was now setting up a stunt in
which the Jag would clip a caravan.'

What are you doing?
Filling the caravan with petrol.

Why? So it explodes
when the car hits it. Boom!

Why would the caravan explode?

Because I've filled it with petrol.

But caravans are made from plywood,

and plywood does not blow up
when you bang into it.

It doesn't. They have gas bottles
in them. They would explode.

See, that's what I'm replicating.

Car, "Boom!" OK...

Just a "Boof", OK? Just a "Boof".

Yeah. But please don't go mad.

No.

'I then went to the other side
of the caravan park,

'because a piece of equipment
called a Russian arm,

'which costs ?6,000 a day to rent,
had just arrived

'from the set of
Spielberg's War Horse.'

There it is. It's gyro stabilised,

so it's smooth even if the car's
going over rough ground.

So even when the car's moving along,
it can do that,

which gives you
very, very dynamic shots.

This is
what Hammond doesn't understand.

You can use the camera
to make the chase,

the real chase, exciting.

You don't need to have the car going
through the air with two people

out of the sunroof with MAC-10s,
shooting at the car behind.

'Eventually, Hammond called to say
the caravan clip stunt was ready.

'But since my pro drivers
were busy with the Russian arm,

'I fired up a back-up Jag

'and volunteered to do
the driving myself.'

275, take one.

B camera.

Got my own airbag here,
so if I do that, I'll be OK.

Perspex in case I hit the driver's
door. Airbags are disconnected.

Traction control is off.

OK.

DIRECTOR: 'Cameras recording,
please.'

ENGINE REVS

'Action, Jeremy.'

KABOOM!

Whoa! What the hell?!

Hammond!

It was supposed to be a gas bottle.
What the hell...?

You blew the wrong caravan up!
You hit the wrong one!

I didn't hit the wrong one,
that was the one we were supposed to...

You should have labelled it!

Have you any idea...?

The angry man is going to see this,
he's going to see that,

and then he's going to see
his ?50,000 Jaguar XFR.

Ooh, my lord.

That wasn't supposed to happen.
He said, "Light bodywork damage..."

You ripped its arse off. "... because
then Jaguar could repair it

"and I don't have to pay
the full price."

He's going to see what's happened
here, Hammond, wrong caravan...

... this...

the explosion was late...

God almighty. There's the edit.

How can you edit an explosion
to happen earlier than it does?

You know Ray Winstone was watching
that explosion from here, OK?

He's watching,
and this is not a word of a lie,

that's a piece of glass
from the caravan

that's penetrated this caravan.

If that had hit here,

would you like to know
what Sophie Raworth would have said

on The Six O'Clock News tonight?

'Hammond and I decided
to beat a retreat

'before the world's angriest man
found out

'how much of his money
had gone up in smoke.

'To try and cheer him up,
we decided to demonstrate that,

'despite all the mishaps, we had
ended up with a good car chase.'

On here?

HORN BLARES

How many horsepower has Plod got?

AS BORAT: 250.

God, Plod must be Robin.
This thing's got 503.

TYRES SCREECH

HORN BLARES

AS BORAT: Turn off the ABS.
'Ow do you do that? 'Ow? 'Ow? 'Ow?

AS BORAT: Pull the rhythm.

TYRES SCREECH

Gritty.

EXPLOSION

AS BORAT: Turn off
the traction control.

'Ow?

AS BORAT: You have to
hold it down for ten seconds.

Why didn't we get a BMW?

You only have to push the Len
for five seconds.

TYRES SQUEAL

Full ten? Oh, yeah, ten seconds, and
then the viewer's left in no doubt.

Go!

KABOOM!

CRASH

I think when
the world's angriest man sees that,

he's going to be quite pleased.

Is he? I think so.

I know there are
one or two rough edges in it,

but overall,
it has a gritty reality.

He's very keen on hero shots -
you've seen Ray, you've seen Plan.

This is Ray Winstone out of
The Departed, Ray Winstone out of...

... Cold Mountain.

Out of bet364 adverts.

There he is, rocking about
as the car lands, and I think...

I think we can pat ourselves on the
back. I don't know where he is now,

but he's probably regretting
his behaviour today.

It was just
a personality clash. Really?

Oh...

Oh, not my car.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

This perfectly sane, rational,
very professional man

was driven to an act of petty
vandalism by your incompetence?

He ruined my car.
You ruined his film!

Can I just say, actually,
we got a call the other day,

and this is absolutely true,
from a Hollywood producer

who asked if we could film
a lorry chase through Moscow

for the new Die Hard film.
Seriously.

But he'll change his mind
when he sees that, won't he?

A-ha! You say that, but we brought
back the rushes, the raw material,

from our shoot,
and we gave that to the editors, OK?

It's still work in progress,

but who here would like to see
what they've come up with?

AUDIENCE: Yeah. OK, let's run
the tape, let's have a look.

TYRES SQUEAL

HORNS BLARE

HORN BLARES

GUNSHOTS

GUNFIRE

APPLAUSE

Yeah!

Come on! Yeah!

Actually, it's not bad.
It's not bad at all.

And on that bombshell,
it is time to end.

Thank you very much for watching.
See you next week, goodnight!