Top Gear (2002–…): Season 17, Episode 5 - Episode #17.5 - full transcript

CLARKSON: Tonight,
I talk to a man in sunglasses.

James draws
a square on a wall.

And Richard plays with
a soldier's chopper.

CLARKSON: Hello, good evening.
Thank you so much.

Thank you.
Thank you, everybody.
Thank you.

Now, in the '60s and '70s

the TV schedules were awash
with detective shows
like The Baron,

Department S, The Protectors,
The Persuaders,
The Saint, The Avengers .

You have no idea what
I'm talking about, do you?

Let me explain. They were all
basically the same, okay?

Every week
a good-looking man would
run into a swanky hotel,



punch a swarthy-looking man
in a fez and then go to bed
with a pretty lady.

Anyone here old enough to
remember that?
Yeah, you. Exactly.

The only difference was
the cars they all drove, okay?

This is Brett Sinclair,
Aston Martin DBS.

Steed had
a Broadspeed tuned Jag.

And there is The Saint
with his Volvo P1800.

Now, the interesting thing is
that almost none
of them ever drove

the Jensen Interceptor,
and I think there's a very
good reason for that.

It looks fantastic,
but it was built very badly

by people who
didn't seem to care
what they were doing.

Let me give you one example.

When the people on
the Jensen production line

needed a new steering rack
they'd go to the steering rack
factory and buy one,

often without
bothering to check
what car it was for.



Some Interceptors
were apparently
sold fitted with

steering racks designed
for the Triumph Stag.

That, then, is why
it wasn't very popular

with the TV
heroes of yesteryear.

It would never
have worked properly.

Now, though, a small company
based here in
the lungs of England

has launched
an updated version,
which does.

In the old car,
the big Chrysler engine turned
petrol into noise,

but very little
power was produced
on the way,

so they've taken that
engine out and thrown it away.

In its place
there's a 6.2 litre V8 from
the modern day Corvette.

The rear
suspension is modern, too,
as are the brakes.

But, critically, the body,
that glorious Italian styling,
that's untouched.

And it still has the best name
ever put on a car...

Interceptor.

So, what we have here
then is much the same as that
house over there.

It's old and it's beautiful,

but it has central heating,
it has all the appurtenances
of modern living.

And unlike that
modern day E type
we looked at the other day

this doesn't cost £500,000.

This is 112,000.

I know that's a lot
if you're on benefits,

but it's not a lot
if you're on Elton John.

I mean, if you are Elton John.

And it's really not a lot when
you see what this car can do.

Thanks to 429 horsepower,
0 to 60 is dealt
with in 4.5 seconds

and the top speed is 167.

It goes, then, like that other
interceptor from the period,

the English
Electric Lightning.

However,
it as thirsty as the jet,

and as noisy.

The engine in this, though,
sounds fantastic... I think.

It's hard to be sure
because there's
so much wind noise

coming from here
and everywhere else.

It's a reminder, really,
that this car was
built in the '70s

in the West
Midlands and these words,

"West", "Seventies",
"Midlands," they're not
bywords for quality.

There are other
period features
I don't much care for either.

First of all,
there's the air conditioning.

Two settings,
sauna or Turkish prison.

Then you've got the wipers,
which are as good
at removing water

from the windscreen
as a pair of pencils.

And then there's
the steering system.

It's original,
so it could be from
a Triumph Stag

or it could be from
a lawn mower, who knows?

What I do know
is to make the car
move that much

you have to do quite a lot
of flailing at the wheel.

There are, however, some
period features I love.

The traditional white
on black dials are the sort
you get in war films,

that you tap when they tell
you bad news and then they
tell you good news.

Oh no, I've got no fuel!

Oh,
look, I've got a full tank!

I also like having
the dim dip
switch on the floor.

And, look at that radio!

ANNOUNCER:
This is the BBC Home Service.

It's from
the James May collection.

CLARKSON: So,
how do we sum this car up?

Certainly it's more of a
grand tourer than a raging B
road barnstormer,

but I think that
what it is most of all

is a time machine.

In my head,
right now this is not
Top Gear and this is not 2011.

It's 1972,
I have an enormous moustache

and I am the star
of a new TV detective show.

-Nice wheels.
-Rock your head.

I would have
done if you'd gone
within a metre of me!

It was like
you're swatting
a fly over there.

-That was rubbish.
-Did you see that?

Yeah, it was rubbish.

We can't just go around
pretending to
punch each other.

You need a sort
of proper sequence.

-Nice wheels, by the way.
-Isn't it just
the best thing ever?

We need to sort this out.
We need a plan.

So, we adjourned to
the Top Gear office to plan
our Interceptor tribute show.

Why don't we just make
the title sequence?

Title sequence is
a good idea because that tells
the whole story. Doesn't it

It sums up
the whole atmosphere
and the setting.

Exactly.

They're always very short and
they often end with a freeze.

Yeah, exactly.
And everyone turns like that.

And there's always somebody
doing karate chops on people.

No,
there's always a karate chop,
shooting, car chase.

-Explosion.
-And then there
was never any blood.

-No.
-People were shot extensively.

-Very close.
-Very close,
and they never bled.

If anything ever
has a button on it
or a light, they're massive.

Girls.

Do you remember that
bit in The Persuaders?

Roger Moore,
Tony Curtis, walking along,

girl in a bikini walks
between them for no obvious
reason and they both go...

And the good thing about
a karate chop is
there's no blood.

Because you wouldn't
need blood. The whole
shooting and no blood.

Karate chop, no blood,
you just fall over.

There is karate
and there is karate.

-You can do a karate chop.
-It's just there always was.

-You get out of the car,
karate.
-He was a karate specialist.

You could be
a karate specialist.

Well, let's get out
there and make
a title sequence.

-Did you kick that
girl in the crotch?
-Yes, I did.

It was actually in her crotch?
You could edit that out.

Can I just ask...

Can I just ask, why don't we
make that every week?

Yes, I know.
Every week do that...

-I want to be a karate expert.
-I want an Interceptor.

-I want a moustache.
-Well, there you go.

Who here would like us to
stop making this rubbish and
make that instead?

AUDIENCE: Yes!

Just think of the snogging!

And I tell you what,
I know the girl we could have.

Wendi Murdoch! Blam!

Apparently,
according to one newspaper,

so must be true,
she growled when she hit him.
Oh!

Hammond likes a fighty girl.

Anyway, before we do the news
properly, there's something
I need to explain.

Very, very keen viewers may
have noticed that

this hour-long programme
of Top Gear is sometimes 62 or
even 63 minutes long.

But this week BBC
Two have told us
it must be 59 minutes,

no ifs or buts, on the nose.

In fact, all the programmes on
BBC Two tonight
must be exactly

to length because they're
going at 10.00pm live to
the MotoGP race.

-Yes.
-I'm not
interested in bike racing.

That's hardly relevant!

Just because you're
not interested doesn't mean
that the BBC should deny

all the people who are
the opportunity of seeing it.

-Bike racing only
works on YouTube.
-What?

-You just see
the crashes and then...
-Oh, don't be sick!

Hands up if you want to
see bike racing? Two...

So, about 8% of the population
want me to get a move on.

Yes, they do,
and I am one of
them and so is James,

so we're going to press on
and start with the news.

And we start with news
you may have
heard of this week,

a new flying car
has been announced.

It costs £150,000.
Here's a shot
of it in the air.

That's what it looks like
as an aeroplane.

And here's a shot
of it on the ground.

It's just a crumpled
aeroplane, isn't it?
It just comes pre-crashed.

There's an even bigger
problem I've thought of.

I think
everybody knows, James,
you do have a light aircraft,

and before you
take off you have to
do pre-flight checks.

-Well, a few, yeah.
-What are they?

-Eh?
-You have to check the fuel...

-Why do you check the fuel?
-So it hasn't got water in it.

How would water
get into the fuel?

-Oh,
we haven't got time for this!
-No, I'm very interested.

-No,
we haven't got time for this.
-It's only bike racing.

James, tell me more about
your pre-flight checks.

-No, just...
-Actually, you know what?

Even I would
rather watch bike racing

than listen to
James talk about
pre-flight checks.

-Exactly, so get on.
-So, I will move it on.

Now, there's a company
in America called SSC

and a few years ago,
they brought out
a car called the Aero,

which, for a time,
was the fastest car in the
world, verified by Guinness.

Faster than
the Bugatti Veyron.

Now they've come up with
another new car.

I've got a picture of it here.

We have no details at all,
but we do know its name.

It's called the Twatawahfur.

That's interesting. Is this
going to be a rival for
the new Pagani Huhurrua?

What?

The replacement for the Zonda,
it's called that Hurh...

-Hurraher.
-It's spelt H-U-A-Y-R-A.
The Hurh...

Huayra.
So, you've got a choice now,

if you're a wealthy person,
between the Twatawahurrr,

or the Hurwarrrrrrrr.

So, are car makers now
naming their cars after

the noises people make when
they're punched
in the stomach?

The Lamborghini Blur-ha!

Mini recently
announced a new car.

It's called The Mini
Inspired By Goodwood.

Stupid name, stupid price.
£41,000.

-For a Mini?
-For a Mini.

41 grand. However, Aston
has now gone one better, okay?

We've got this new car,
it's called
the Cygnet and Colette

-and that's £43,000.
-Eh?

43 grand for that!

MAY: And we should point out
that is a Toyota iQ.

Yes, it starts out in life
as an eleven grand Toyota.

Aston Martin take
the Toyota badges off,

put Aston Martin ones on,
the price goes up to 31,000.

They've now added
the Colette badges,
43 grand.

So, what do you get for that
extra 12 grand on top, then?

You need to look inside.
Because what you get,
here they are, two cushions.

Wait a minute.
What is
the Cygnet and Colette?

Cygnet and Colette.
It sounds like
a lap dancing duo from Leeds.

An ice skating duo,
Cygnet and Colette.

No, to be honest,
we know that the Cygnet part
is an Aston Martin Cygnet.

It's the Colette thing.

What is Colette? It sounds
like a feminine
hygiene product.

-What? I made a mistake.
-Did you?

You get more than
just the cushions.

I do apologise. You also get
quilted sun visors,
some biscuits.

I'm reading this out.
I'm just quoting what you get.

"A guide to Paris,
a plastic camera,
an empty bottle

"and four compilation CDs
featuring bands such as
The Morning Benders. "

So, basically they're
selling you a small Toyota
full of clutter.

Oh, now, the most
important thing, obviously.

A couple of weeks ago

I showed you
all a bird deposit
on the back of my Range Rover.

-You may remember.
-Yes, we do.

And I invited the viewing
audience to send in
pictures of bird dirt

on their car that
was more substantial.

-We've had some, I admit.
-Oh, yeah.

Here's one from Africa.
This is...

-I think we know who did it!
-Yeah,
this is a marabou stork.

God's cruellest joke,
this bird.

Yeah, we haven't really got
time for one of
your bird lectures.

You're going to get it because
this is more interesting
than bike racing.

God knew that bird was going
to live in Africa when he
gave it bald legs.

Now, I'm sorry,
but that's a bit unkind.

So, its legs get hot
and sunburnt and the only way
it can cool them down,

and I'm not making this up,
is to wee on them constantly.

-Yeah, but, Jeremy...
-So it wees on its legs.

Car show. We're a car show.

A giant stork that wees
on its knees is not strictly
our kind of deal.

It is if it's standing
on a Mitsubishi Lancer.

Which it is, so there's
a car element to my story.

Anyway there's another...
You what?

-MAN: That's a Galant.
-What a cretin you are!

That could well be a Galant.
It's a Galant!

Remind me never to have
him round for dinner.

How did you know
it was a Galant,

you can only see
the back of the television?

Anyway,
I've just humiliated myself
and will now commit suicide.

Except,
if I do that, you'll be able
to watch the bike racing.

Yes, we will.

So, I won't, I shall keep
going with another
bird dirt picture.

Now, I don't
think a bird did that.

I think that was
a man and I think,

if that's your car,
you should report
him to the police.

Not that you can because,
of course, they've all
resigned. But, anyway...

And that's the end
of the news.

It isn't the end of the news,
actually.

-Yes, it is. It is.
-It isn't.

I'm not going to
waste time arguing.
Move on!

I will move it on because...

I want to talk about sport.
You see, anyone can kick
a football around

and get an idea of
what it would be like
to be David Beckham.

Anybody can pick up a golf bat

and get an idea of
what it would like
to be a Freemason.

Let's get on with your point.

If you want to drive a
Formula One car you have to be
a Formula One driver.

An ordinary mortal can't just
go into a Formula One
factory and buy one,

except now you can.

CLARKSON:
This is the new Lotus T125.

And straight away,
an anorak would say, "That's
not a Formula One car."

And that's right. It isn't.

But it does come
with a Cosworth V8,
a sequential gearbox,

full downforce,
a complicated steering wheel,

a hand-operated clutch and all
the other F1
trimmings as well.

For instance,
included in
the price is Geoff,

who is a fitness instructor.

Alfonso, who will cook for you
and your friends,

and a team of mechanics
who will
accompany you and your car

to any race
track in the world.

You also get
a truck which is fitted
with all the things you need,

including a Jean Alesi.

So let's just get this
straight. If I buy one of
these cars, I get you,

a former Ferrari
Formula One driver,
to teach me how to drive it?

It is like that.

The only problem
is, because it is single seat,

-when you are in,
you are alone.
-Well, exactly.

You will have to
follow my instruction.

Jean's first job was to get me
comfortable in the car.

The position is
extremely important,

because it is where you will
have the feeling

and the feedback
from what is happening.

Erm.

-Now, you see...
-No, that is not
the correct position.

Well,
it is the position that I...
That's it.

It's my seat.

Because I was
so generously proportioned,

the only option was to remove
the seat altogether.

Well, I'm in.
But I am sitting on the floor.

Okay, but now, with the foam,
we will fill...

-With the foam?
-A special foam.

It's like being taught by
Inspector Clouseau, this.

Is there going
to be a "minkey"
coming in a minute?

No, we have a special foam,
and you will
really feel at home.

The foam fitting
was rather disturbing.

Why... What are you doing?
You're in my actual anus.

That was my actual anus that
you put your hand in.

JEAN: It is a part
of the programme!

Things that just happened that
I didn't think
would happen today...

Jean Alesi,
who I used to hero-worship,
is playing with my genitals.

-And Jean.
-Yeah?

Compared to
the Formula One cars of,
I don't know, pick a period.

-'90s?
Is this as fast as that?
-I would say '90s, yes.

A lot faster.

This is faster than a '90s
Formula One car?

Yes, because you have a lot
more downforce.

We have a floor which
guarantees 60%
of the downforce.

Really? So, it's got more
downforce than even today's
Formula One cars?

-Definitely, yes.
-In terms of power,
obviously it's down.

We have 640 horsepower.
Which is really
enough for 600 kilo.

Soon,
I was ready for my first ever
taste of Formula One.

Oh f... No!

Erm...

Holy cow! Oh!

That's acceleration,
and I'm not even going fully
down on the throttle.

It's just terrifying.
Oh, I can't turn the wheel!

My legs are in the way!

God, this is quite horrible!

Unlike a Formula
One car, which will
rev to 17 or 18,000...

Ow!

This is limited
to just 10,500,
and I'm glad about that!

I've lost all the temperature
out of the tyres.
Oh, I don't like this.

No, no, no.
No, I don't want this.

Thank you.
I've driven a car that's
got this much power before,

and I've driven
a car on slicks before

and I drove a car that weighs
as little as this before,

but I've never driven
a car that has
all of those things.

Together. Nice, huh?

It wasn't nice.
It had been terrifying.

And to explain why,
I switched to my own car.

My mind tells me that
it's okay to turn into
the Follow-through,

which is coming up now,
at 90 miles an hour.

The thing is, in the Lotus,
I have to tell my mind,

it's okay to go
through that corner
at 160 miles an hour.

And what's more,
if I tried to do
it in the Lotus at 90,

there won't be
enough air going over
the wings,

so there won't
be much downforce,

and the tyres will be cold,
so there won't be much grip.

If I do it at
the speed my mind says
is safe, I will crash,

and I will be killed.

To stay alive, I have to
go faster than my mind
thinks is possible.

Then, there's
the question of braking.

If I want to slow down enough
for the Hammerhead
which is down there,

in this car
which has enormous,
ventilated discs,

I would have to start braking
at this point,

140 metres from the corner.

But what if you braked
the Lotus at this point?

So, he's come to a dead stop,
never mind
slowing down enough,

60 yards from the corner.

So, what that means is,

when I'm driving the Lotus,
I have to come past here,

with my foot buried
in the loud pedal,

still going like hell here,
still not braking,

still not even
thinking of braking
at this point,

not here,
that would be stupid,
I would look like an idiot.

My mind is now
screaming at me,
"Stop! Stop!

"You're going to be killed."
But I'm still accelerating.

And when I get to about here,
then I'll brake.

And I don't think
I've got the balls
for that.

To spur me on,
I unchained the Stig.

Unlike me,
this is a man that drives
as fast as a car will go,

not as fast as he
thinks he can go.

And what he's doing now
is setting a lap time on
our short circuit

in V8 powered Ariel Atom,
the fastest road
car we've ever tested.

He did it in 36.2 seconds.

So, can a fat, frightened
51-year-old man

overcome the limitations
of his own mind
and beat that time?

Wish me luck, everybody.
Oh, bloody hell!

Going a bit too
hard through there!

I've got to get
used to these brakes!

They just feel useless

until you stand on them!
It's all over the place!

I am literally all
over the place here!

-MECHANIC:
37.9, Jeremy.
-37.9 seconds was my last lap!

The whole thing
is jumping about
like a wild animal!

Come on, Jeremy! Yes!

Oh, Jesus, no!

-Ballsed it up.
- 37.7.

37.7. Oh, no!

Oh,
for crying out bloody loud!

Clearly it was time for
another chat with Yoda.

Gears for the corners,
Hammerhead, second?

Second, for
the first one, for the left.

-And first for the right.
-First for the right?

Yes, because otherwise,
the car is pushing down,

so you use the engine braking
to make the back
slide a little bit.

Then, you keep the sixth
for the fast corner.

-Sixth gear?
-I keep the sixth.

-Then, second gear. Yes. Yes.
-For the Chicago.
Through the tyres.

And then...

With the noise
curfew on our track
fast approaching,

this was my last chance to
beat 36.2 seconds.

Twenty minutes,
20 minutes to try
and beat that time.

Come on, now, come on!
Come on! Come on!

Yes,
finally, I've got the Chicago
worked out.

Come on!
Getting cramp in my hands!

-MECHANIC:
37.5, Jeremy.
-37.5! Walking out there...

Oh, that's braking!
And the neck! My neck is
absolutely destroyed!

-That's 37 dead.
-37. Come on!

Ow, my head!

Come on! Come on! Come on!

-35.8.
-Yes! Yes! Yes!

35.8! 35.8!

Eat that, Stig! Yes, yes, yes!

I'm a Formula One driver!

Yes! Yes!

-Well done. Well done.
-Thank you. And I looked good.

I looked good in that suit.

-I am slightly. No, well done.
-What?

It was good.
But I'm slightly
confused by this.

So, if you buy one of these,
you don't actually race it.

No, what you do is,
you hire a track,
you ring Lotus,

they bring your
car to the track
with the mechanics, the chef,

all the things I
talked about there,
and you drive it around

until your neck hurts
and then you go home.

-How much does all this cost?
-£650,000.

You see, that is quite a lot.
Is it worth it?

Well, if you're one
of the Scottish people

that won the Euro lottery
millions, then, you know,
it's probably worth it.

I mean,
they'd have to
lose a few pounds.

I don't mean that cruelly.

I genuinely don't
mean that cruelly
and, anyway,

people in glass houses,
etcetera. But, the fact is,
it's agony. It really is.

I was going around Chicago,

yet my head is just really,
like it's being pulled off,

and you know you
can't accelerate to
go down to the Hammerhead,

until you can get
your head back upright
and rest it on the air box.

I know what you mean,

because when I
drove that F1 car on
the show a few years ago,

I could not believe how fast
you had to go to
make the thing work.

The thing is,
that Formula One car
that you drove,

came round here with the Stig
at the wheel,

did a lap in 59 seconds.
Now we were very
keen to find out

if this would go faster,

so we brought it down
here the other day,
and you won't believe this,

in the middle of
July in a British
summer, it was raining!

And in a show
where we're already
tight for a time,

there is really no point
entering a wet lap in this,
what with that tell us?

So we'll get it back
on a dry day and we will
report back on how it does.

Yes, we will.

Now,
it's time to put a star in
our reasonably priced car.

Now,
my guest tonight has long,
straggly hair

and
an incredible ability to heal
the sick and feed the hungry.

Ladies and gentlemen, Jesus...

It's Bob Geldof!

How are you?
Have a seat. Sir Bob!

-Great to have you here.
-Thank you.

Obviously,
you've topped what used
to be called the hit parade,

you've fed the world,

but what a lot of
people don't know,
is that you built the M25.

I built the M23
and M25, Jeremy.

I didn't even know you
built the road to
Gatwick as well.

If you know
the Merstham interchange
where you come off the 23

onto the 25, that is more
or less where I had my
road digging career.

And that is Geldof Corner.

I know you've got
Gambon Corner, which I'm sure
we'll see later.

Geldof Corner is there, hence
the tailbacks for
miles on the M25.

So, when you go
round that, actually,

it's one of the best corners
on the motorway network.

-And you built that!
-I built that.

Long before I
could drive a car,
they gave me the chance

to drive these
immense machines

which I think,
it's eleven forward gears
and six reverses.

Two engines.
You've got two throttles,

you've got to sit like this
with both feet
on the throttles,

and a big bucket in
the middle, which you drop,
and off you go.

-And is it hard?
-It's hard. I was crap. Yeah.

And so you ran
over a herd of cows.

I ran over
practically the same thing,
a guy from the county council.

On the haul roads, as they're
called, there are no other
vehicles allowed.

And the county council guy was
nosing around
there for some reason.

I came around the bend,
and here he was
in his Renault 4L,

and he just saw
this huge thing
and this 18-year-old

without a driving licence
coming down the track.

And I slammed on the brakes

and these huge tyres just
rolled over the front of
the Renault, the bonnet,

and I saw the windscreen
pull away from the top

and just flatten the engine
and he was just like this.

I don't know what
was happening in
the seat of his pants,

but I saw what was
happening to his face

and I thought he was dead,
I thought I'd killed him.

He got out.
The foreman came gunning up
on his Land Rover and just,

I thought I was gone.
I was just on the way out,

and he was just screaming
at this guy, who got fired.

-The council
official got fired?
-Yes.

Well, that saved
the council a few bob!

One of the things
that I read about
your road building career

is that your nickname on the
site was Dublin.

Yes.

Wouldn't that apply to
absolutely everybody also
working on the site?

-No.
-Hey, Dublin!
5,000 people! "What?"

No, because there
were two crowds,
essentially,

building the roads,
certainly with
this construction company,

there was a West
Country crowd and
there were as an Irish crowd.

It was a bit like,
I landed in India
not that long back,

on an Air India flight,
and there were three other
Air India flights,

and this is in India,
and there was a man waiting
beyond the barriers

with a sign saying, "Mr Patel"
and I just thought,

"That's not going
to work, is it?"

It's the same as
Dublin on this site.
What sort of driver are you?

Not good. Really, I'm not.

I've got a Previa, because I
had 600 children.
And, you know...

-And 900 names between them.
-Yes. And all excellent.

And, you know, it's just,
a superb thing.

You're up high,
you have got this big,
broad vision.

You go like this
and the wheel turns.

You've just got
endless amount of
power in the thing.

There isn't
an endless amount of
power in a Toyota Previa.

-It's a horrible car.
-No,
it's not, it's really not.

I'm Mr Big on Toyota.

I've got a Lexus,
so I don't pay
the congestion charge.

Oh, the hybrid one.

And also,
Jeremy, I think you should
start now becoming a little

more environmentally aware,
you know.

I am very aware of
the environment and I'm still
not interested in it.

-You're a businessman now.
-Sometimes.

And you've got a lot of
TV production companies.

So, how much time do you
have left for music?

As most of the time,
I do music, so there's still
a lot of the time

spent on the Africa stuff,
business stuff, music

and the family,
but the only thing
I like doing, being specific,

the only thing that
I like doing is music.

Really?

-You're touring, soon,
aren't you?

-So, north and south.
-Because you had
the album out, what...

-Three months ago.
-Three months ago.

Which was Bob Geldof aged,
well,
it's actually, what was it,

-58 and three quarters?
-58 and a half.

I was going to call it that,
and then I saw a book called,

How To Compose
Popular Songs That Will Sell

-and I thought
that was more ironic.
-It's a good title, that.

It doesn't fit on iTunes very
easily,
how to, oh, there we go.

You released that
three months ago.

Why, because you
know how to use iTunes?

I do!

-What do you
listen to in the car?
-What do I listen to?

-Rat Trap,
I Don't Like Mondays.
-Classics.

-Classics from the late '70s.
-Yes.

-I presume you've
got an iPhone thing.
-No, I don't have that.

We spent about two hours
before this extolling
the virtues of the Nokia 6310.

Does anyone remember a 6310?
Five days without a charge,

without a recharge. Five days.

Well, that's how long I do,
because I've got no friends,
so nobody rings me up.

There's self-evident reasons.
The jeans, being one.

-At least I put socks on!
-No, he came here.

-Look, I'm wearing a sock!
-But you don't
have beautiful ankles.

A beautiful turned ankle is
something that I
admire in somebody.

Your lap,
how did it go out there?

I am so crap at this.

You start off,
and you're really nervous.

I'm not a speed head,
and then I start to enjoy it

and be able to focus on what
the Stig told me.
And I slowed down.

-Who would like
to see the lap?
-Not me.

Come on, let's have a look,
let's see how it went.

Come on.

Already,
we need the bleep machine
there. Right, first corner.

Where are we going? Nice,
wide line,
like the look of that.

-Might be time to change gear.
-So slow. Go, go.

You've got to change up.
Where are we going?

Oh, wide, you see, that's
too fast. That why it
went skidding wide.

Clarkson, Stig said
it's raining now and the
track is getting slippery,

so, that's going to slow me
down, so shut up,
I'm not making excuses.

Let's have a look at this
torrential rain, yes.

I can see what the Stig means.
That's pouring down out there.

No, wait,
I don't mean
pouring down, do I?

BOB: It looks so
slow yet feels so fast.

CLARKSON:
No, that is just quite slow.
Change gear!

Take this extreme bend at
full throttle,
which is frightening.

-Oh, I say, that's good.
-Your instinct
tells you to slow down.

Ooh! You managed to stay
off the bumpy bit, there.
This is the worst.

-Oh, it is the worst.
-Gambon corner

-Absolutely awful.
No, this is Gambon.

And you're
a little bit too slow.

Didn't use all of the road,
but never the less,
across the line!

-Last.
-Where do we think?

-Third last. Yeah.
-Third last?

What, Louie Spence speed?

Yeah. 1.53...
Now that was wet.
Yours was dry.

These are all wet.
Realistically, you need to be
looking above them.

I know they are as people,
but with regards to...

-So, anyway, Bob Geldof.
-Don't say and
I'll watch it at home.

I'm embarrassed. Seriously.
It thought that was rubbish.

-You did it...
-Look at him!

You did it in two minutes...

I'm joking.

I fully expect that.

He was going, "Mmmm?
Mmmm, really?"
One minute, 40...

eight point one.
I don't think that is...

Faster than Jeff Goldblum!

Oh, God.
Average at everything!

Well, not really. I was just
thinking,
you're, what are you,

-a Knight of
the British Empire?
-Mmm-hmm.

You were nominated for
a Nobel Peace Prize.

And now,
you are the 14th fastest
celebrity ever to go round

-our track in a Kia Cee'D.
-You could have
walked faster than that.

Hands up those that
think you could do,

who could be in the top ten,
if you did it.

Come on,
hands up if you think...

-Thank you.
-Ladies and gentlemen,

liars, Bob Geldof!

Thank you.

Well done.
Thank you very much.
Bob Geldof, everybody!

How are we doing for time?

-No, we're all right.
-We're all right.
Just press on.

Now, the other day,

we received a challenge from
the world
demolition champions.

We're not actually making
that up. There really is
such a championship!

Yeah, there is. And they said
to us that they reckon
they could knock down

a row of houses
faster than we could.

So naturally, we were prepared
to accept this challenge,

but, first, we thought we'd do
a bit of practice.

So we got in touch with our
old friends in
the Albanian Mafia

and asked them if
they had anything
that needed knocking down.

Luckily, they said, "Yes!

"There's a man who annoyed us
very much indeed

"and it would be
an enormous help

"if you would come over
and smash his house to bits."

So, we did.

HAMMOND: This is
the poor chap's house.

This is where
he had obviously tripped up.

And these are the machines
we'd be using.

That there is a digger.

That is a bulldozer.

And that down there is a big
crane with the pecky thing
on the end of it.

Bagsy I have that,
'cause it's the biggest.

Bagsy I have the bulldozer.
I'm having the bulldozer.

MAY: With our choices
carefully worked out,

Jeremy was keen
to get cracking...

Come on! Go, go, go!

But I thought it best
we first examine the house.

This building is basically
a steel-reinforced
concrete frame.

A series of
uprights and then beams
joining them together...

And then all the gaps are
filled in with these things,
which are pot bricks.

These are not structural.
They're there simply to...

Okay...

CLARKSON: Yes!
You are history!

Oi! Not yet!

MAY: Throughout
the rest of the day,
there were some issues.

I, for example, was not
that accurate with the digger.

Oh, no, no! Hang on, hang on.

Oh, God!

Jeremy nearly
caused a power cut.

And when Richard stopped off
in town to buy some tea,

he got a bit confused
with all his lorry's levers.

Do you do tea?
English breakfast
tea for workers.

But the biggest problem we had
was the house itself.

Come on!

-May?
It won't fall down. You try.
-What?

CLARKSON: If I'm honest,
that wasn't
a great suggestion.

Everything else we
tried failed as well.

Back! Give it some welly.

In fact, by the time Hammond
got back from
clearing up his mess,

it was almost
dark and the house
was still pretty much intact.

MAY: We did all right.

Baffling. Absolutely baffling.

Clearly, clearly, it wasn't
our fault that the house
was still standing.

No, which left us
with two possibilities.

Either Albanian houses
are built superbly well,

which seems unlikely, or those
diggery things
and the pecky thing,

that equipment was no good.

We very quickly concluded
that it was the equipment
that was no good.

So for our challenge with
the experts, we decided to use
military equipment.

CLARKSON:
This is the Witham Army
Disposal Yard in Lincolnshire.

It's a giant toy cupboard.

And everything you
see here is for sale.

MAY: Can we use this
to demolish the house?

No, you can't use any weapons.
Just the vehicle.

Hammond, the driving position
has got you in
mind in a Scorpion.

-Is that what this is?
-Yeah. £30,000.
That's what it costs.

Already, I'm seeing buildings
just fall down of
their own free will.

Didn't James Blunt
use one of these in Kosovo?

-It's got pedals! Pedals!
-I thought he had a guitar.

-It's the Stormer.
-Yeah, the Stormer.

-Come on. 20 grand, maximum.
-Stormer!

-That's a good name.
-£20,000.

So this, or a Ford Focus.

Inside, there was more.
And soon,
Hammond started to lose focus.

This is your
absolutely boggo standard
British Army Land Rover,

cupboard for either, like,
you know, parking ticket
money or bullets.

Oh, he's found a Land Rover.

94,000 gentle miles.
In a war zone.

Richard, not really what
we're looking for.

-Please don't
look at Land Rovers.
-Okay.

That's
the fuselage of a Harrier.

These are fantastic.
Oh, no. Oh, my God.

Come on, chaps. Yeah,
there's nothing
else to see in here.

-Oh, my... Oh.
-Bloody hell.

Hammond's found
the helicopters.

-Gazelles. Oh!
-Hey!

Well, that's it.
That's my life over.

With both my colleagues now
otherwise engaged,
I went off on my own

to find a vehicle
that might be suitable for our
demolition project.

Ladies and gentlemen,
welcome to the Saxon.

It has an eight-litre,
six-cylinder diesel engine.

Top speed, 30 miles an hour.

Or 60 if the tyres
haven't been shot through.

It has all the things
you need, power steering,
automatic gearbox,

selectable four-wheel drive,
grenade launchers.

Side windscreen wipers.
Oh, yes.

James, meanwhile, had decided
that a Willys
Jeep would be ideal,

although he was finding it
quite difficult
to explain why.

The problem is that
while you could drive this

through a hail of petrol bombs
and small arms fire
and you'd be fine,

I'm not sure
you could drive it
through a building.

Oh, Hammond!

This is a 1977
Westland Gazelle
helicopter.

One of the fastest
helicopters built.
Top speed, 193 miles an hour.

We've got to get
us one of these.
We need one of these.

CLARKSON: Eventually, I nailed
some sense into my colleagues

and we all selected the
vehicles we'd be using for
the demolition challenge.

This is a 434
Armoured Recovery Vehicle.

I've gone for it in this spec
because it's got a crane,

which could be
very useful to us.

But if all else fails,
it weighs 15 tonnes,

so I could just use it
as a sort of battering ram.

As you would imagine,
mine is much bigger than
Hammond's. This is a CET.

A Combat Engineering Tractor.
And they're all
very encouraging words.

It has a bucket on the front
and many other things besides.

Unlike James's, mine is white.
It's also
absolutely excellent.

The tiller on the front
is used for mine clearance,

but it can also be used
for pulling down houses.

In my mind. What?

-Why is it white?
-United Nations.

Yes,
this very vehicle has just
come back from the Middle East

where it cleared
100 anti-tank mines.

It's kind of
focused on one thing,
isn't it? Mine clearance.

It is a mine clearing machine.
You aren't clearing mines.

We are knocking a house down.

You've focused on one thing
and we are not
doing that thing.

It's a very, very specialised
piece of equipment.

This...
Incredibly specialised,
the cab is on hydraulic rams.

It senses your weight,
raises it to
the correct height,

so that if there's a blast
underneath, you're cushioned
from that blast.

Again, amazing. But you won't
be, 'cause we're not clearing
a minefield.

We're knocking houses down.

You wait till you see
what happens to a house

when it is presented with this
moving at 400 rpm.

If the house explodes,
you'll be okay,
but that's about it.

-It just goes
around doing this.
-It's like a mechanical cat.

It's a military machine
with some white paint on it.

It isn't military!

It's for clearance and saving
lives. Princess Diana
had one of these.

The location for our
demolition challenge

was the Christian
Fields housing estate
in Kent.

Each team would have
to knock down six houses

and
the professionals rocked up
on the day

with a selection of
conventional equipment

that we knew would not work.

As a result, they would be
humiliated by Team Top Gear.

What a machine this is.

1,400 RPM.
I'm doing very nearly
the top speed of six.

The other machines
were considerably faster,

so in order
not to keep the chaps waiting,

I decided to take a shortcut.

I think he thought,
"The things on the front go
round and smash everything.

"I work for
the United Nations."

He failed to work out
it'll be the slowest...

You don't suppose
by any chance that...

Ladies and gentlemen,
Jeremy Clarkson,

sometimes known as
the silver-tongued
cavalier of the Cotswolds.

I hope that was to come down.

Before starting,
the professionals
had a pre-demolition briefing.

All the works today
are going to be
carried out under

BSEN 6187
demolition code of practice.

Richard, can you hand out
the method statements
to all the guys, please

-and the risk assessments?
-Yep.

Mostly, they talked
about health and safety,
so we thought we should, too.

-Don't have an accident.
-Don't have an accident.

If you do have an accident,
remember it was an accident.

Briefing over,
we got on with
discussing the job.

-Why don't you
do those, James?
-Okay.

Hammond, you do the cream
ones, and I'll do this lot.
That make sense?

-Two houses each then,
effectively?
-Effectively two houses each.

With all the complicated maths
out of the way,
it was time to begin.

Okay. Brace, Brace, brace.
We're going in.

Look at his face.
He's concentrating like mad.

He looks like
a proper orangutan
when he concentrates.

Firing up the rotors!

HAMMOND: Oh God!

Woah!

Why didn't we
have this in Albania?

Goodbye, lavatory!

Bricks flying everywhere.

This is bloody brilliant.

Stop there, stop there!
Jeremy, the roof's
going to land on it.

This was no problem
because my destroyer of worlds

had a special device
for protecting the driver.

-Is that a remote
control for that?
-Yes, it is!

You can drive
the whole thing from there?

-Yes. Yes.
-From there?

-Do you know how to?
-No. But how hard can it be?

Look at that.
Oh, my God!

-Now, stand back a bit.
-Really?
Do you think? Good idea.

HAMMOND: At
the other end of the estate,

the professionals
were working methodically.

First removing all the roofs.

And I thought I'd
do the same thing
with my army tank.

Mounted on the back of my 434
is a big harpoon.

I'll fire that over with
a cable attached,
connect the cable up,

drive this way,
pull the roof off,
get on with it.

Live and, well, go.

Brilliant.

Let's begin.

The grappling hook will catch
on the roof. That's it.
It's caught it now.

Yeah. Here it comes.
Pulling the roof off.

Let's have a look.

It's not off.

On the plus side, though,
the house now had another
upstairs lavatory.

Why have you pulled a Portaloo
over a building?

It was supposed to
pull the roof off.

This isn't demolition,
this is just stupid.

CLARKSON: Whilst Hammond
persevered with his idiotic
roof-removal system,

James was busy
drawing a diagram.

The four walls are
pre-cast pieces of concrete

and then in
the middle we have this,
which is the chimney breast.

Then there are steal RSJs
running across, like that.

Everything else in between
is just wooden floorboards.

So, if we knock
out that bit there,
which is holding the house up,

the roof and everything else
will fall into a neat
pile in the middle.

My plan involved pulling
the chimney breast out,

using both my winch and
the sheer power of
my combat tractor.

But it was hard to concentrate
with the orangutan around.

It's got a mind of its own.

Having got in everyone's way,
he then started throwing

massive lumps of road over
the houses and
into the next street.

-What have you done?
-I hit a water main!

Well, you're an idiot.

As noon approached, our rivals
were scything
through their houses.

But now my ingenious cable
solution would put us
back in the running.

Here we go.

Oh! Oh, it's so close.

Yes. Yes!

But despite this success,
let's not forget we still had
Jeremy on our side.

I've lost
control completely now.

In the spirit of teamwork,
I decided to
clear up his rubbish

while Hammond set about
finishing off my house.

I think I'll need to
give this the beans.

Let's not mess about here.
In we go.

Oh! The roof came open.
I didn't expect that.

Hammond,
what's happened here, mate,

is you are now the foundations
of the house.

Um, I think I
might be a bit stuck.

Well, hang on, Hammond.
I'm coming.

Where are you going?

Oh, dear.

That felt nasty.
What happened then?

James crashed into the corner
of the house

and now you've got
a whole house on your head.

Engine running.

CLARKSON: May then winched
Hammond's tank out

but Hammond himself
was still trapped inside.

Happily,
though, as I'd finally
house-trained my machine...

Walkies. Yes! Good digger.

I was able to mount a rescue.

Bad digger!

Oh! I've scratched me tank.

By now, the professionals
had pulled out
an enormous lead.

So, to try and catch up,
I decided to dig even deeper

into the military toy box.

-Guys.
-What...

What on Earth is that?

I put some
explosives in the house.
You might want to stand back.

Because now I'm going to do
the long walk.

Is that the suit or his piles
that's making
him walk like that?

Fire in the hole!

You've only blown
the bloody door off!

MAY: After that failure,

we decided just to use
our machines as
battering rams.

Come on.
Let's just get this job done.

Not going to
use the rotavator.
It's just too perilous.

Bloody hell fire!

Go on. In you go.

Finally, we were
really getting somewhere.

Attack!

-No, no, no.
-Oh, my God!

CLARKSON: The professionals
had finished.

They had knocked
everything down.

Whereas we sort of hadn't.

Why don't we present them

-with a prize, okay?
-Yes.

-Standing just there?
-MAY: That's a good idea.

And then give them a really
loud round of applause.

-A thunderous,
"Well done, well done!"
-And throw the thing over...

-Well done. Well done.
-You beat us fair and square.

Can we just
point out something
very important?

Well, as long as you're quick,
bike race, coming up.

I know, I know, I know.

Now you're
wasting time saying,
"I know".

-I know. I know.
-Say it.
-Listen...

Okay, you may have noticed
during that whole sequence

of knocking the houses down,
not one of us

was wearing a high-visibility
jacket, a hard hat or
substantial shoes

and I think I'm
right in saying
that none of us was killed.

And that is
an excellent bombshell
on which we could end, so...

No. No, no, no. I want to talk
more about the machine.

No, I said in the film
that this very machine,
in fact,

had cleared 100
anti-tank mines.

You're probably thinking,
"How does it survive?"

-Not really.
-I'm going to
explain anyway, okay?

This is one of
the blades as it
comes out the factory, yeah?

This one hit
an anti-tank mine,

a mine designed
to blow up a tank,

and that is the only
damage that it did.

This is
an astonishing piece of
British engineering, I think.

-It is. We really must finish.
-What are they going to do?
Cut us o...

Oh, they have.