Top Gear (2002–…): Season 16, Episode 6 - Episode #16.6 - full transcript

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Tonight: a spaniel and a Moon buggy

A fat man in a KIA...
Woah... there she goes!

..and a race against
the Lord God Almighty. Come on!

Hello, everybody! Thank you so much.

Thank you very much. Thank you.

Richard Hammond says that back in the 1980s, when
he was a small boy, - there were only two cars that

caused him to run about his house in Birmingham
clutching feverishly at his as yet unformed tinkle.

So you can imagine how
excited he was when

the producer said to him this week
he could drive both of them.



We've been wanting to get these two
together for as long as I can remember,

and we've finally got hold of them.
And, well, it's a short winter's day

and I don't want any traffic jams holding
me up, or any of that nonsense

which is why
I've kipped the night at the track.

And I believe they are here.

In 1986, Porsche launched
the greatest supercar

the world had ever seen, the 959.

And then, a year later, Ferrari
responded with the greatest supercar

the world had ever seen, the F40.

Oh, my word!

Would you just look at that?!

I can't recall ever seeing these two-
together on television before.

So let's get cracking,
beginning with this one.

Come on, Richard, stay professional!-
Oh, ho! Oh, ho!



When the 959 first came along
in 1986,

it was the most advanced
and most high-tech car ever made.

I'm not talking about the upmarket pleasantness of my
surroundings, the- air-con, electric seats and so on.

No, it's cleverer stuff than that.

For example,
it had adjustable suspension

and a complex
four-wheel-drive system.

You could split the power between the front and back
wheels not just according to how much grip you had

but how you were cornering, how much-
G-force you were putting down.

You can just feel...

I mean, I've driven - I have owned...
911s from this period,

I mean, I've driven - I have owned...
911s from this period,

and this thing just
feels so much more!

And the tech fest didn't stop there.

The 959 came with a million things
we'd never seen before...

Tire pressure sensors, for example, and
magnesium wheels with hollow spokes.

No wonder Bill Gates bought one.

the proper price
for one of these things.

Because in the 8os,
Porsche asked ?150,000 for a 959,

but it actually cost them ?300,000
to make, it was so advanced.

Other famous owners included
my style hero Don Johnson,

and a young Boris Becker, who maxed out
his 959 on the Italian Autostrada,

which must have been lively!

A 959 was fast.

Really fast.

Thanks to its 444 brake horse power, - 2.9
liter flat six turbocharged engine.

In fact, the top speed
was 197 miles an hour...

..which in 1986 made it the fastest
production car in the world.

Oh! When the turbos come on!
Oh, ho! Ha, ha, ha, ha! Oh!

However, its reign as the speed king-
was short-lived...

..thanks to this.

The 201 mile an hour Ferrari F40.

God!

It's the ONE that gets me.

Not 200, 201.

It's like when kids say,
"Everything you say plus one!"

So we know that Ferrari has a higher top speed
than the Porsche, - but what about acceleration?

You know,
I feel a drag race coming on.

I am, as you know,
a big fan of Porsches.

And it's not that I think that 959
is going to lose or anything,

but it's a cold day, and I think
it's best if I stay here in this car,

the one that's 250 kilograms lighter

and has got 478 brake horse power
instead of 444.

Both these cars have twin turbos.

Both 2.9 liters.

Oh, it's going to be close!

It's going to be close!

I think the Porsche is taking it!

The Porsche is going to win!

Enzo would not like that result.

I'll be honest, a couple of my gear
changes could have been slicker.

Dial out my iffy gear changes, though, and
these two would cross the line neck-and-neck.

And that's odd,
because they are very different.

Where the 959 is all
hi-tech and luxury,

the F40 has string for door handles, -
no carpets and wind-up windows.

What you get in this car is a twin
turbo V8, some windscreen wipers,

and that's about it.

It was the first car to be
made entirely of carbon-fiber,

which is only just starting
to happen in Formula One.

The lightness and the stiffness of
it, allied to that colossal power,

made it a bit of a hyper
go-kart through the corners.

As a Porsche fan,
it pains me to say this,

but in the corners,
the F40 is far more exciting.

God... The steering wheel is alive!

Oh! Ho, ho!

This thing is so sharp.

Oh, God!

I'm sorry to keep squeaking

and making noises, and if it's
disturbing you, I apologise.

So often it is,
"Don't drive your heroes."

Not this time.

It's better than
I could have imagined.

Better than I ever knew as a kid
looking at pictures of it.

Choosing between these two is like choosing
between shirt or trousers... it's pointless.

But I will stay this, we simply wouldn't
be where we are now without them.

Because these two cars are,
I believe, incredibly important.

It's this pair that took road cars to and
beyond the 200-mile-an-hour barrier.

Before them we had Countaches
and Testarossas,

and in evolutionary terms they were
like man first making it into space.

With these two, it was
man walking on the moon.

They really are that important.

Sorry. What? No, I'm sorry. Sorry.

Woah, woah, woah. Did you...

Did you say it was pointless
to decide which of these was best?

Yeah. Well, it IS pointless. Well,
apart from the fact that the 959 is

neither here nor there and the F40 is probably
the greatest car ever built in human history.

No, look, if I'm honest I prefer the F40 as well,
but we mustn't forget the 959 WAS important

because it set the trend for computers and sensors
that modern supercars have followed ever since.

Yes, and I wish they hadn't.

I wish they'd all followed
the route set by the F40...

It's a twin turbocharged V8 go-kart, it's just very simple.
It's better. I know what you mean,

it's analogue versus digital. It is.

But anyway, we must now find out
how fast they go round our track.

The owners must be insane
to let us do this. Of course.

Handing them over
to our tame racing driver.

Some say that his favourite disease- he had
when he was a child was gout. LAUGHTER

And that he was very surprised
this week when he was able to

pick up some remarkably cheap
tickets for the Bahrain Grand Prix.

All we know is he's called
the Stig!

And he's...
Not going anywhere.

He is obviously... There's something
wrong there. Oh, dear, yes.

There's something VERY wrong.
What the Hell's happened there?

And across the line
and into the garage!

That's not good.
It's awkward. You see? You see?

I know what you're going to say...

Let me say it anyway. The Ferrari is- fragile, that's
why I like Porsche, because they may not be as exciting

to look at, but they are durable
and tough, and that wins in the end.

Yes, yes, yes. All right.
Come on, let's have a look at how the 959 got on.

And, yes, that one
is actually going.

It is incredible how soft
it looks as it rocks about.

Also looks rather old-fashioned
and, I must say, very slow.

He's got a problem in there,
he must have.

Here's Chicago.

That's an even bigger problem,
that is.

Oh!

So what had gone wrong?

What happened? Well, apparently...

Yes, I've just heard
that the turbos let go.

So that had no boost, that lost its seal, so
what we've got here for the first time ever

is a DNF - a did not finish -
and a DNS - did not start. Yeah.

Right, and now the news.

And the Bahrain Grand Prix, because- it's been canceled,
well this is a- bit of an issue, because...?

It was supposed to be the first
race of the season. Yeah.

So are they going to replace it with something
else, just going to forget about it?

Well, they can hardly stage it
in Tunisia, can they? Maybe Egypt?

Wait, wait, wait.
Why don't we offer them our track?

Really, why can't we hold it here?
It makes sense. Most F1 teams are UK-based,

So it's convenient.

And catering, we've got that caravan-
next to the security hut. Yes.

And if it rains, there is
the security hut itself.

Were you all able to park easily
today? Oh, mate, F1 here.

Plus, Bahrain,
incredibly boring track.

You can crash off for miles on those run-off
areas and not actually hit anything.

Whereas here, we could offer the prestigious
opportunity to crash into an old Boeing 747.

Hang on a minute, though.

Isn't our track a figure of eight?

Yes, it is! That makes it even better!
Imagine, you're in an F1 car, you'd be flat out

towards follow-through. About to
go right, and then there'd be

another F1 car coming the other way
about to go left towards Chicago.

Your closing speed is
about 350 miles an hour.

I think...
I think the most common phrase

we'd hear from the commentary team
would be, "Tumbling end over end."

Anyway, Bernie, if you like this
idea or want to take us up on it,

"Well, you've
got more viewers than us anyway."

Now, anyone here from London?

YES. Right. You're all
familiar with the Westway?

It's a big snaking ribbon
of tarmac that scythes

into the center of the city,

the idea being it gets you in as quickly as
possible and out as quickly as possible.

For many years it had a 50-mile-an-hour
speed limit, which is too low,

but they've decided this week to lower it to 30.
30 miles an hour!

I tried driving down there
earlier this week

at 30 miles an hour, I damn nearly caused 27 accidents.
A little girl on a scooter,

she was like,
"What are you doing, you idiot?!"

Isn't it a temporary speed limit while they do
some works underneath the bridge bit or something?

Yes. But when they introduced the 70-mile-an-hour
limit on all British motorways in 1965,

they said then that was temporary.
Here we are 46 years later,

we've still got it.

Speed limits are like herpes.

Are they? Yeah, you get them,
you never get rid of them. Forever.

It doesn't look... Why is that man
nodding and going, "I know, yeah"?

I've got speed limits!

This road, OK,
is run by Boris Johnson, yes?

Boris Johnson wrote a piece in Her
Majesty's Daily Telegraph last week

in which he said he didn't want to be
forced to wear a helmet while skiing

because as an individual he should
be allowed to make up his own mind,

and he doesn't want governments
telling him what to do.

Boris...

I give you that.
It is weird, isn't it?

We all think of Boris Johnson as being cuddly
and affable and having slightly funny hair,

but history will remember
him as Boris the Oppressor.

He is. Boris is a Russian name,

and this is a Russian thing to do.
But listen, Boris,

when whatever it is you're doing
under that bridge is finished,

I want to see that 30 limit gone.

A serious point if I may,
last year we showed you a tribute

to Ayrton Senna on Top Gear,
a little film we made.

Now there's a much longer one come out,
90 minutes, an incredible documentary.

This is completely unmissable.

I've got a clip for you here,
I want you to have a look at this.

He will be ranked
among the all-time greats.

Ayrton has a small problem,
he thinks that he can't kill himself.

And I think that's very dangerous.

We are competing to win.

And if you no longer go for a gap,
you are no longer a racing driver.

Senna is trying
to go through on the inside!

I was treated like a criminal.

The best decision is MY decision.

Walking away from the dark forces
just doesn't become an option.

I was not going to give up.

Real racing, that makes me happy.

There's footage in that you just
can't believe. I've got goosebumps.

It's unbelievable.
It's just won an award, actually,

at the Sundance Film Festival, as best documentary,
and I'm really- not surprised. It's out in June.

If you've got any heart, any soul at all,
you've got to go and see it, it's fantastic.

Anyway, moving on...

Yes, BMW has launched a whole sort of Eco
flavour of cars beginning with the letter "I".

They've got two so far, the i3 and the i8.
Do you want to see a picture of them? Here they are.

Very difficult to see out of.
Or get in.

That's not going to work, is it?!
What is this current obsession

with putting "I" in front of things and
believing that makes them special?

It started with
the iPod, yeah, fair enough.

But we are going to have
an iSandwich and iShoes.

I don't want an i-Infection. No.
I don't want one of THOSE, though.

Yeah. Oh, now, listen, Chrysler is going to
launch this little ?11,000 car in Britain,

and the first thing you need to know
about it is it isn't a Chrysler.

What it is, OK,
what happens is... Here's the story.

Fiat make the 500, OK?

They then give that to Lancia, who make
it a bit longer and add two rear doors,

then Lancia give that to Chrysler,
who take the Lancia badges off,

put Chrysler ones on and they're
going to sell it in Britain.

So Fiat have gone as far as recycling their
cars before they've even sold them? Yes.

It's not a car at all,
it's kind of an archaeological dig.

You scratch away at the pads

then underneath you discover, "Yes, it was a Lancia.
" Then you go a bit further, you'll find it was a Fiat.

Not just a Fiat 500, because if you actually
keep going, you'll find it's a Fiat Panda,

which is effectively what it is. Dig a bit further
and you'll find a load of coins and a bronze helmet.

The Piltdown Man is in
the glove box of that car.

Let's make it go away,
because, more importantly,

Aston Martin, have launched a new
car this week called the Virage.

The idea is fits between the quite soft and
comfy DB9 and the much more expensive DBS.

Fantastic looking thing.

What is there to say? It's going to- cost, apparently,
around ?150,000, V12 engine, absolutely perfect.

Just one thing - underneath,
of course, it is a Fiat 500.

Cos everything is.
Because everything is.

Now, round about 20 years ago,
Peugeot made the momentous decision

to stop making nice cars and make instead
NOT very nice cars- for elderly people.

Yes, but now they've had another change of heart,
and they've come up with this. It's called the EX1.

It's a twin-engined four-wheel
drive electric roadster, and it's...

Well, the main purpose of it, really,
Hammond, is to break records.

Rather like myself, actually.
Really? Yeah. Anyway,

look at this. You open the door,
but when you do you also get...

A broken wrist?

No, you also get...
look, you get the seat.

Oh, wow!
The seat is part of the climb in.

Half the car comes with it, so I'm actually
getting into the door's pocket now

with all, like, the crisp packets and the change?
Feet up, get your feet right up.

I put my feet in there? Yeah, and
then... Oh, yes! Look at this!

Hey, that steering wheel is very
Batman. It does all that and that.

And that's where the instruments
are up on those two screens.

That's fantastic, look!

I have to say, for a Peugeot, especially, it
looks absolutely fantastic. It's very funky...

Look at his face!
It's very funky and very modern,

and you can expect to see this in
your local Peugeot dealership...

Never.

Moving on, with one of the most
ambitious races we've ever staged.

As the sun sets,
I will start from here,

Land's End,
Britain's most westerly point,

and I will attempt to get to here

in Lowestoft,
Britain's most easterly point,

before it rises again.

Now, to make this especially hard,
I was made to do the race on

Midsummer's Day,
during the shortest night we had.

This is a big one.

Space is a never-ending race track.

The thermal shock region on the prow
of our Solar System, for example,

is screaming through
the heavens at 490,000 mph.

Earth is hurtling round the sun
at 67,000 mph.

God, it seems,
is a complete speed freak.

And this is what I'm pitting against it,
the new Jaguar XJ.

And already there is a problem
because which one do I take?

The super-charged V8 is
fast and exciting but thirsty

the Diesel will do the journey
easily on less than half the tank

and not having to fill up will save time.

In the end though it was a simple decision.

I went for the fast one.

Stop-watch save.

This it then. For your Sunday night
delectation a big Jag versus God.

It's like songs of Praise with a supercharger.

At 9:36pm, the sun sank
below the horizon.

And the race was on.
Here we go! Now, that is what do

mysterious sunset green flash is
all about, obviously. It is God's

starting light. He wants to raise
us! He likes racing.

OK. Here are my issues.
The sun will rise over East Anglia at 4:30 am.

That gives me at six hours and
and 54 minutes to do 432 miles.

That means averaging 62 miles an hour.

At this stage, Don still had 4,200
miles to go before it reached

Lowestoft, but it was doing a
massive 610 miles an hour.

One hold up, one red light, God wins.

And already he was playing dirty.

Get out of the way!

They have all been to watch
the sunset at Land's End

and now they're going back to the hotel.

This is bad, 30 miles an hour.
Half of what I need to be doing.

But then, the road straightened
out and the Jag pounced.

Overtaking!

Holy cow! This thing is fast.

But then, it kind of would be because

the supercharged V8 that's
hauling me along produces

more power and torque than a six-liter
V 12 in an Aston Martin Rapide.

It is unhinged performance,

That's what this is. I am
going to thrash God.

But then he enlisted
the services of an unusual ally.

The devil's work!

The cones went on for miles
and my average speed collapsed.

I am in Cornwall doing 50 because
of average speed cameras

and the sun has already risen in Sydney.

God was winning. Which meant that
when the road works finished,

I needed to get my foot down.

Yes, make it so!

This is quick car, but there is a
bit more to it than raw speed.

Sitting in an old Jaguar, even the
last one, was like sitting in a

country pub. You were cramps, but
this one, with the blue lighting,

they have even lined this cubbyhole

and glove box with purple velvet!

That is like lifting up the Queen's skirt
and finding she is wearing a thong.

Love this. Stroke the lights
to make them come on

There are other
thoughtful touches, too.

Oh-h-h-h, yes. Hard.

Oh, yeah. Lower, lower.
There, there, there!

Yes, as I'm sure you realised,
that's the seat massager at work.

It's, like, kneading me...
And all that. In the seat!

Then there's the stereo system.

In the last Jag, you got a
gramophone with a dog sitting on it,

but in this, I've got 1,200 watts
and it will play anything. Anything.

You just....
You push, you push... That.

And... Er...

By the time I realised I didn't understand
iPod connectivity, the sun was over Thailand.

And I was facing a decision made by
thousands of holidaymakers every summer...

M5 and M4, or A303 past Stonehenge?

The motorway is 20 miles further, but
probably better for fuel consumption.

But the A303 is more
fun in a car like this.

Yeah, A303 it is!

This was a good call.

There's a whiff
of NASCAR about this car.

And now I'm going to give it a bit more,
because I'm going to engage Dynamic Mode.

Look - the dials glow red.

What this does is firms
everything up, gives you more punch.

And also, because the XJ
is made entirely from aluminum,

it's much lighter
than any other big car.

It feels like a sports car.

On good roads like these, it's
not far short of a masterpiece.

The Jag set about
chewing up the miles.

Druids!

By 1:45 am, I figured I was
in the lead, but I'd reach the M3.

Which was boring. So I decided
to let the car drive itself.

Right, cruise control on.
Very good system, this.

Set the speed at 70, and the road
ahead is scanned by microwaves.

I'm going to hook on to the back
of our camera car - there we go...

So now, if he speeds up,
I speed up, if he slows down,

I slow down.
I don't have to do anything.

I can even choose what sort
of distance I want to follow it at.

There's the safe distance there,
right down to the full Audi.

Yes! There we are,
that's the Audi following distance!

It was now late.

The motorway was monotonous and my thoughts
turned to the business of staying sharp.

The production team,
as usual, has provided me with a CD

to keep me awake on this long,
difficult and perilous voyage.

'And it was while working at Radio
Lancashire that I experienced a revelation.

'I took over as producer and presenter
of the weekend mid-morning shows.

'I recorded on...

'..carol concerts, jumble sales...'

Hammond's adventures
in local radio weren't helping.

'..record-breaking attempt,
and sponsored swim.'

But soon, something else did.

Ooh, the fuel warning light is on!

No!

A splash and dash pitstop
cost precious moments.

Here we go. And then Beezlebub
decided to cost me even more.

Oh, no, no...

This is exactly the sort
of hold up I can do without.

Is anyone going to be
working on them? I mean, really!

So, you have to drive along
at 50 miles an hour, glaring at the

speedometer, not looking at the
road ahead. That's very dangerous.

It raises money for the government, -
but it's very dangerous.

By the time the roadworks finished, -
God was back in the lead.

He was now just over
one hour from Lowestoft.

65 miles to go, and I would say
that the inky blackness of night...

..has become sort of royal blue.

I don't suppose the sun
would be early, would it?

Would it do that?

There is a smudge
in the sky, a big one.

The mother of fire,
it seems, is coming back.

That is daylight.

I have...

..39 minutes.

There were still 34 miles to go, but win or
lose, I was glad I'd done this race in the Jag.

An S Class...
may be a comparable limo to this,

but an S Class doesn't go
and stop and steer

anything like as well as this.

If you're a keen driver,

this is the only big car
you can have.

The sun was now over Amsterdam

and would appear in Suffolk
in just 12 minutes.

Come on, come on.

4.9 miles.

Right, where is..

England's most easterly spot?

Come on, I'm lost!

No-o-o
red light now!

Come on!

This is it!

Loser!

I may be the first person
in history to call God a loser!

Anyway, let me just get this right.

It drives like a sports car?

Yes, very like. It just feels
so light, it's incredible.

It's about ?20,000 less than
the equivalent Mercedes S Class.

Yep, the S63, definitely.

And it's faster than the Lord God Almighty?
Yes, it is, just, by about five minutes.

But do you know what? I'm just not sure its the looks.
I know. That's why we filmed it at night.

What makes it doubly annoying is that Bertolli, which
is not Italy's most successful styling house,

recently did the concept of what they think
Jaguars of the future should look like.

That's why we've got a television
here, so you can have a look.

This is just spectacular,
from any angle.

That is absolutely glorious.

Am I right in thinking
that's got suicide doors?

Yes, it has - they open this way.

Now, this is
an absolutely fantastic car

and I just think if it looked like
that, it would be the best car ever.

Absolutely ever.

Anyway, isn't it time you put a star-
in our reasonably priced car? Yes.

I'm sort of delaying it, really.

Last week we had a very intelligent,
beautiful... Lesbian...

Muscle car enthusiast.

This week we've got
the exact opposite of that.

Ladies and gentlemen, make some
noises, please, for John Prescott.

Expected.

I knew they'd do that.

Lord John Prescott.

Thanks for those that cheered.

And those that booed,
well, you know what you can do.

I don't know
where to start with you.

I was wondering about that.
So many questions.

I think the one
that raises to the surface is,

what in the name of all that's holy

were you thinking when you said,
"Let's put a bus lane on the M4."

I'm glad you've said that.

Jeremy, I'm going to introduce you
to a revolutionary thought...

You can go slower
and get there quicker.

That's to do with flow.

As soon as you made it two lane and brought it
from 70 to 50, they got there quicker, actually.

Cars as well. That's not possible. Don't take my word.
Take the independent transport research.

It meant that the flow of the traffic was better.
There were less accidents, less deaths.

I think that's an important factor.
You just want to speed everywhere, right?

In reality, what we've seen is the deaths
of children and deaths of adults...

There aren't any children on the M4 bus lane!
It's a motorway!

There are no schools there.

I used to be able to drive into London
on three lanes. You made it two.

Yes. You put a speed camera,
you made it 50.

That was daft. And it meant that
the flow of the traffic was

better because people aren't rushing
to the two lane from three.

I've heard motorists cheering here, - but don't
you get annoyed when someone wants to push in,

when you've done
your three and your two?

How many people get annoyed at when they come
down to three, come down to two? Public meeting!

Put your hands up! There you are.
John...

Bloody well sit down! Sit down.

They're cheering for me, not you!

All right, fair enough.

Fair enough. Let me ask you this.

If you believe that narrowing
a motorway causes the traffic flow

to be improved, why did you widen
the M25 and the M1? Well...

Why did you do that?

Why didn't you narrow them?

If this is going
to be a public meeting...!

Listen, from 1997,
when we came in, right,

you guys in the public
bought seven million more cars.

Now, if you look at the congestion, -
seven million more cars. Right?

You didn't get rid of the second
car, did you? You passed it down.

So what is happening, the growth
in cars on the motorway...

That's the reality! John!

You don't want
to face the facts, do you?

I knew I'd get that
from you ruddy motorists!

In 1997, YOU said that if there
weren't fewer cars on the roads,

more people using buses by the time you finished
in five years, you could be judged a failure.

I didn't say that.

You read it.

I know what I said, let me tell
What did you say? you.

If I don't get more people
using public transport,

and using their motor vehicles
that's what I said. less,

But there are more people on trains now,
more on buses, right? That was achieved.

But there are more people on trains now,
more on buses, right? That was achieved.

What I didn't recognise,
you bought seven million new cars!

That was because of the prosperity we brought
you under Labour. You bankrupted the country!

You damn nearly bankrupt us!
You won't get it from this outfit, be sure of it.

When somebody came to you one day and said that there
was a problem with the environment and that man

was creating some carbon-dioxide, which was
getting stuck in the upper atmosphere and this

was going to cause
the world to melt,

you decided the best thing you
could do is fly to the Maldives?

To go on a diving trip.
No, I didn't.

I went to the Maldives, I was
doing the negotiations at Kyoto.

There's no way you can bike there.
No, but the Maldives isn't... Hang on.

Just try to understand what you've got here.
Kyoto's in Japan - it's not in the Maldives!

Hang on, just give
your bloody brain a chance!

I went to the Maldives,
on the way to India.

I went to dive on the coral reefs.

I was arguing that
what was happening is that

these coral reefs were being blanched and
dying because the water was getting warm.

I wanted to bring home to people,
look what is happening here.

People didn't accept it in 1997.
Why can't you do that from Hull?

Why did you need
to go to the Maldives?

Because that's where you get... At
taxpayers' expense of 6,500 quid?

You've sent me to Kyoto, I'm on the- way back by India.
I negotiate with the Indian government.

I go via the Maldives and dive to look at the
huge range of coral reef they've got there.

So, why did you then
go to Sri Lanka?

Sri Lanka was the stop-off for the
plane. I didn't go to Sri Lanka.

I thought you looked at tigers
there? No, that was in India.

You looked at tigers
and then you went diving...

They asked me to join the Save the Tiger campaign
when I was there- on the environment negotiations.

Listen,
the tigers are a real problem.

The thing is, John, we know this. We have David
Attenborough to say, "Tiger numbers are dropping fast."

We read this
in the newspapers all the time.

We don't need to go to India.
Presumably they showed you a tiger?

If they'd have showed you an empty
wood and went, "Look, no tigers..."

It's all right them cheering
and shouting at your clever remark,

but basically... How many...?
They like that.

Sit...down.

Because, can you understand,
honestly, can you understand

why a man threw an egg at you?

Do know why he did
and what he was concerned about?

I was against fox-hunting
and he thought I was one

of the guys that he hates because
he wanted to keep fox hunting.

But wait a minute when I got pied,
because I understand

that I am very lucky to have this
forum come here every week

on Top Gear and I say things
and I understand that if

someone sitting at home and
violently disagrees with what I say

it is really annoying and this girl
shoved a banoffee pie in my face.

I just went "good shot" cause it
was a damn good shot,

and you punched him.

But don't you understand that as a politician
you had 13 years of doing what you want.

I am subjected to what they call
a vote. If they agree or disagree.

Nevertheless, you had all of these years
when you were allowed to do what you want

and you must have known there were
people at home sitting thinking,

"I wish they'd stop doing it?"
Did you not understand that?

Let me say, when I walked past this-
guy and he hits me with the egg,

right, I don't know it's an egg, I just feel
this very warm thing running down my neck.

I just think somebody has perhaps knifed me or
assaulted me, that all happens in a split second.

And I see this fella built like a bloody
barn door and I turned and I reacted.

When Tony asked me what happened,
I said I was carrying out his orders.

He told us to connect with
the electorate, so I did.

I can't see either of the Milly Band
Brothers punching anybody.

They looked like people coming out to
service your computers, those two.

What's interesting of course is that we
were told that all through your tenure

in various different positions,
deputy prime-minister and so on,

you were... you did like your cars.

I mean the newspapers
called you Two-Jags.

I only have one.
You only have one Jag?

I only own one Jag.
But you had one - a company car.

Well, the government provided a car...
That's a Jag?

Oh, wait on...
Hang on... let's just...

I mean I assume it's just like
me saying I have two houses

I have one house I own and one car!

That's a scenario I wouldn't get into,
two houses and...

Hey... I still only have one
house, one job, one car.

Does anybody here have a company car?

How many got a company car?

Right... So how many cars have you got?

No, none is the answer.

Anyway, you are a Jag man.

I have had 11 Jaguars.
Is it really 11 Jags?

Yeah...Then we should've
called you Eleven-Jags...

I made a disastrous attempt
to move to a Rover once.

It was a Rover TC...
I admired their engineering.

And they I found out there were
two halves welded together

It turned me off for Rover.
That was the problem in those days.

Right, your lap, how was it?

I was a bit worried, I thought I was skiing
rather than driving. It was a wet day.

but the car, I must say, was really
impressive as it got into the speeds

and into the corners, but I was a bit
worried about the puddles, the water.

When I got confident, I enjoyed it.

Who would like to see
Lord John Prescott's lap?

Yes!

Here we go, let's have a look.

Bet you look good in a helmet.

Oh, you don't.

I am away.

Are you in automatic or manual?

Automatic. It will be slower.

Whoa, there she goes.

Right, through the tires.
There we go. That is soaking wet.

Yes, that was a bit fearful.
It's not a bad little car, though.

This is really the one.

This is where we had to put cones out for you
because you couldn't see the white lines.

Yep, there are the cones
to show you where to go.

I can see why you made it
a 50 limit on the M4.

You are allowed to go
faster than that on our track.

Right, did you lift off?

You did lift off.
I had my foot on the break then.

It is hard to say how fast you are
going, it looks like a canal boat.

Here we are coming up to
the second to last corner.

It is a nice line in that.

Very smooth, very well done.

And Gambon got it right this time.
Ooh, little bit of tail coming out.

Nicely held and there we are,
across the line.

Where do you think you've come on
this magnificent board? Bottom.

Bottom?

So, you're not even going to try and
get on to Alastair Campbell, 1.47.

It would be great to have beat him.

No, you haven't.

Well, John Prescott, you did it
in... What is the slowest time?

1.53.7, effectively.

You did it in one...

56.7.

Which is by far and away the
slowest lap time we have ever had.

It is amazing. Well, now...

It has been very interesting...

Having you here today.
I'm very glad you came.

It is something
I thought would never happen

and I think you are very brave to
come into in front of, what is,

let's be honest, an audience
that's on my side, rightly so.

Ladies and gentlemen, John Prescott.

Jezza versus Prezza, I like it.

I thought it would
be an actual fight.

Right, now, important moment
because, for the first time,

in... I think... two years,
we are going to do the Cool Wall!

Look, here it is.

And straight away, we can see that
currents have blown certain BMWs

right up here into
Super Cool, sub-zero.

Things like the Z4, the M3, the one series,
the five series. Not all Beamers, though.

This one, the five series GT
is down among the Audis. Uncool.

That is a horrible thing.
It is like a fat old auntie,

the one with terrible embarrassing
flatulence that nobody dares mention.

Called Marjorie.

Other changes.

Down here, a clutch of super minis, the
actual Mini, Fiat 500, the Citroen DS3.

These are all inexpensive ways of
looking seriously cool. Good cars.

Now, what do you make of this?
This is called the Nissan Juke.

What is interesting, you buy a car because you
want something which is practical or cheap.

Or you want something fast.
How many people do you know say,

"I want to buy a car that
is absolutely stupid?"

Because that's what this is. Do you not agree
that is the stupidest thing in the world?

It is ugly. It is ugly.

There is a chap back here,
you know your hat...

You obviously like to go out
in public looking ridiculous.

Do you like the Nissan Juke?

I don't mind it. What do you drive?
A Golf.

Not a diesel?
It is a diesel, yes.

You would look like that
and you've got a Golf diesel?

That is fantastic.

A blend of many things going
on there in that man's hat.

This is a hideously uncool car so it goes down there.
What have you got there?

This is the Renault Wind.
A couple of problems here, first of all the name.

Basically it is a Renault fart.
It is.

I suspect that supercar-looking body is writing
checks that the rest of the car cannot cash.

But, this is the Gordini version
so it has stripes on it.

And, as we all know, things
with stripes on are cool,

Shelby Mustangs, tigers,
toothpastes...

James May's jumpers.
That is not cool.

Thank you very much. It has stripes on it, it looks
like James May's knitwear so that goes there.

Ahem. What? Check it out.

What is it? Toyota Yaris Verso.

It is not good. This is for people
whose lives are completely empty.

They are looking forward
to the day they die

because it will give them
something to do.

And they don't have sex any more cos
these days, you know, we prefer sherry.

They are utterly, utterly boring and catastrophic
in every single way and they have bought this

and it is the worst car I've ever
seen in my life and it goes there.

Crikey, getting that off your chest.

One thing, has sherry ever lead
to sex? Do you get sherry sex?

I think you do. It is the one alcoholic
drink that's never led to nooky.

I will demonstrate sherry
sex to any volunteers.

Could you volunteer to
have sherry sex with me?

Oh, dear Lord. I can't...

Just bear with me.
You don't have to go very far.

She is keen. Sherry sex.

Here we go.

Good night.

Sherry sex, like that.

Thank you. I need a cigarette now.

And now we have got
a problem with this.

This is the Porsche 911 Carrera C2S.
We know the rules on the Cool Wall, OK?

If one of us has a car,
it is always uncool.

Both Hammond and May own this car.

I don't think the board
is long enough

to be able to accommodate that.

I'm just trying to work out
the direction.

That is east, that is west.
Who lives west of here?

Where do you live? Wiltshire.

Does anybody live
further west than Wiltshire?

Ireland. Ireland? Excellent!
Could you do me a favour?

Could you take that home
and pop it on your gatepost?

Thank you very much, it will
live there for ever more.

Those are the rules,
I can't argue with that.

I would like to proffer this. OK?

What is it? It is a Morgan.
The new Morgan three-wheeler.

New? Yes, they are recreating
the three-wheeler runabout

that launched the company
100 years ago and it is magnificent.

It is made with aluminum and it is
a modern re-creation. No, it isn't.

It isn't modern anything. Yes it is.

It is modernized. No, you
know everybody will have this, OK?

You know the cupboard under your
sink, OK, which is full

of wedding presents you never used, -
you're all familiar with that?

That is the fish steamer
you were given.

It is. It isn't. It is.

It isn't. It is.

Well, it isn't.

If you put that in cool,
I will put you in a drain.

I have a chair and I
am not afraid to use it.

I have a hammer.

Well, make your move, big
fella, it is going in cool.

Make your move, come on.

You know what this is, don't you?

Awkward. This is a Mexican stand-off.

Right, it is now time for a
small celebration, because

this year marks the 40th birthday
of the world's most expensive car.

The clock is operating. We're underway.

It had no doors.

No roof. No windscreen.

It produced just one horse power

and it had a couple of
garden chairs for seats.

And yet, the Lunar Rover,
or moon buggy, cost ?25 million

and that was in 1971 when a V12
E-type Jag cost less than ?3,500.

In its short life, the moon buggy
covered just 56 miles,

which in Top Gear maths works out
as about ?500,000 per mile.

Although they were all on the moon.

You are go!

The moon buggy was used
in three space missions.

Man, oh man,
what a Grand Prix this is.

I tell you, it sure does a good
job with this kind of terrain.

And the short,
bouncy journeys it made

were about the most useful
a car has ever undertaken.

The moon buggy meant that the
astronauts could explore

more of the moon than they would
have been able to on foot,

and that meant they could take
more pictures, collect more rocks,

drill for more samples and generally
get a better understanding

of where the universe
may have come from.

However, in 1972
the moon missions were scrapped,

which means that for the last
39 years, the only moon buggy

you will have seen on Earth
has been in a museum.

Until now.

Because... Yes, it's back.

This really is it.

The Moon Buggy Mark II.
A car for outer space.

This is much more exciting

than something like a
Veyron SS or a Ferrari 458.

Those are just Earth cars.

And because I am the one who goes
by the name of Captain Buzz Slow,

NASA have said I can drive it.

There we are, we are flat out in the Lunar
Rover Mark II, that is 10 miles an hour.

The original Lunar Rover did eight
miles an hour until the astronauts

got hold of it and they managed
to push it up to 11.

So, who knows,
this could get into the teens.

I can't believe I am
being allowed to do this.

I am alone in it.

Well, almost alone.

Since Moon Buggy Mark II
cost $4.5 million,

there was a car behind me
containing some NASA heavies

who could remotely shut it down
if I did anything stupid.

Absolutely fantastic control
interface here.

I have got this screen with touch
buttons, loads of parameters

I can fiddle with,
every single wheel is monitored.

My heading, my direction,
roll, pitch, all these things.

If normal cars were as complicated as
this, they would be a lot more fun.

Watch this for a really brilliant
little Lunar Rover party trick.

If I just push the joystick
to the side, very slightly,

you will see that is not
turning right, that is crabbing.

How about that?

What was that?

Am I that close to it?

Sorry.

After an astronomical rollicking,

I decided to concentrate on
moon buggy pub trivia.

This is the only vehicle of any type I
have ever driven with two quoted weights,

because here on earth it weighs
approximately four tonnes

but on the moon, of course,
the gravity is only about a sixth

of what we have here, so it only
weighs something like 760 kilograms.

They do have to think about
that sort of thing.

It will behave differently and your
sensors will behave differently as well.

The moon buggy has 12 wheels.

Powered by six motors
and they have a great party piece.

Right, watch this.

We are now crabbing
exactly sideways.

The Eagle has parked.

Sorry.

Now, we have done a small
amount of maths here.

This is proper maths,
not Top Gear maths.

We worked out that if every car
in Britain could park like that

and didn't have to leave
a gap at each end,

we would save, wait for it...
10,000 miles of parking space.

But since there is not really a
problem with parking on the moon,

those wheels, combined with
an adjustable ride height

are designed primarily
to be amazing off-road.

Houston, we are go for rocks.

Now, you'll see when
you're looking outside,

each wheel set is working out where-
it's going and what it's doing,

sort out the right height,
deal with the traction,

it is extremely intelligent,
it has extremely powerful computers.

The tires themselves are
not quite so hi-tech.

They were chosen for their toughness
and are from a crop sprayer.

Look at this!

That's bags of torque.

It is a four-ton vehicle
climbing up a 30 degree slope.

What a climb!

What a ride!

It is absolutely brilliant,
this thing.

Sorry.

It is not just the moon buggy's off-road
abilities that have moved on either.

The original Lunar Rover
had a very limited range

because if it broke down, the astronauts had to be
able to make it back to the lunar module on foot.

But this one is more of
a cosmic camper van.

This is a space bed.

There is another one that
folds down here for your buddy.

They are covered in memory foam,
which was a NASA invention.

There are privacy curtains here,
there is an iPod dock,

there is a home cinema,
here is a space John.

But sooner or later, you are going
to get bored watching Apollo 13

and you might want to go
for a walk outside.

If you do, you have to exit through
the rather unusual back door.

Here we go.
My feet are entering the suit.

My gentleman's area is compressed
by the crotch of the spacesuit.

I have my hands in the space suit.

Leak check complete.

Closing the hatch
in the Lunar Rover.

That is quite a giant leap
for a very unsteady man.

I would now like to
perform a short tribute

to the late Alan Shepard Junior,

one of only 12 men
to have walked on the moon,

and the only man to have done this.

Houston,
the Eagle is going for a birdie.

There we go.

Miles and miles and miles.

I'd like to be deadly
serious for a moment.

This is the most fabulous vehicle
I have ever driven. Ever.

But there is a problem with it.

Not a technical problem,
it is the President.

He has canceled all the
funding for the next moon mission.

Because that is what
makes the ship go up.

No bucks, no Buck Rogers.

That means, if you're a kid,
you will never have the thrill

of getting up in the middle
of the night, like I did,

to watch the funny little car
hooning about on the moon.

Yahoo!

That was all four wheels
off the ground there.

This is really some machine.

This piece of film I am watching now shows men
leaving the surface of the moon for the last time.

That is the ascent stage of the Apollo 17 lunar
module blasting off- from the lunar surface.

That bit of film was captured with a
remote camera mounted on the moon buggy.

Which means, obviously,
that the moon buggy was left behind.

It does make me sort of sad, really,
to think of that amazing car

being left up there,
gathering moon dust for eternity.

But if you ask me, it is not
half as sad as a moon buggy

that will never go up there at all.

I understand the
financial considerations,

but it is sad, isn't it?
Yes, it makes me sad.

I tell you what else is sad.

That is not only the end of this
show, it is the end of this series.

Thank you very much for
watching though and

we'll see you again in June.
Take care. Goodnight.

Edit and Resync
? ROmuLAN 2011?