Top Gear (2002–…): Season 16, Episode 3 - Episode #16.3 - full transcript

Tonight: A fat man gets murdered,
a donkey gets overtaken,

and James wears ladies' underwear
on his head.

Hello. Hello, good evening.

Welcome. Welcome, everybody.

Thank you. Thank you so much.

Now, we begin with a letter.

It says, "Dear Top Gear, I'm a
leading light in the Albanian Mafia

"and I'm thinking of buying the
new baby Rolls-Royce, the Ghost.

"But how does it compare to,
say, a Bentley or a Mercedes?

"Yours sincerely,
Normanski Ataesi." Now this caused
one hell of a row in the office.

The producers said we should go
out to Albania and do the test.



We said, "No, we can't be seen to be
helping the Mafia." We were adamant.

We said, "This is our line
in the sand, we will not go!"

You join me on the ferry from
Corfu to Albania and here is
the car in question,

the new Rolls-Royce Ghost -

ã200,000 of power,
prestige and...peeled cows.

And this Mercedes
is the alternative -

the twin turbo-charged V12 S65.

In short, the most powerful
saloon car in the world.

And this is where the
Bentley Mulsanne should be,

but just a few days before
we were due to come out here,

Bentley decided
not to take part in the film.

So no Bentley?

No. So you're going to tell a
leading light of the Albanian Mafia

you couldn't bring them their
car because it was a bit difficult.



No, I've made an
alternative arrangement.

And when we arrived the alternative
arrangement was waiting for us.

It's a Yugo. Yes.

But in a number of critical ways,
it is exactly the same as the new
Bentley Mulsanne. Listen to this.

DULL THUMP
There you go.

That's the same sort of
dull aristocratic whump.

Four door. There's a hole on
the outside you put the fuel in.

Yeah, engine at the front,
rear drive, probably. Drive it
from there. From that wheel there.

It is - for this mission,
it's exactly the same
as the Bentley Mulsanne,

in the same way that Roy Hattersley
is the same as a tub of lard. Yes.

This is the perfect car for the job.

Can't say that. What?

You can't say that word, the C-word.
I didn't, did I?

Not that C-word, the other C-word.
Car? Yes.

Car? You can't say that,
car here means gentleman's sausage.

Really? What? That's why
they all watch Top Gear in Albania.

IN BAD ALBANIAN ACCENT: Funnier
even than Norman Wisdom,
you make show about...

So when I say, "My car's enormous..."
That's the funniest thing in the
world they've ever heard.

They tune in every week.

We do a car show.
Yes, but you can't say car or peach.

Peach? Don't say peach?

What does that mean? Lady garden.
So this car's a peach is really bad.

With the ground rules established,
we headed inland into the
rain to begin the road test.

Let's get one thing absolutely
clear from the start - the Ghost
is not a bespoke Rolls-Royce,

not like the Phantom,
the bigger one.

This one underneath
is a BMW 7 Series.

However, everything you see,
everything you touch, everything
you feel, it's all Rolls-Royce.

It's chuffing marvellous,
this ca...motor.

At ã160,000, the S Class
is ã40,000 less than the Ghost.

But it's not like they have skimped.

I've never driven anything where
you get such a sense of there
being a lot of things going on

in the background, to keep you safe,
to keep you on the road.

Everywhere I look there's a little
light comes on to let you know -

one there to tell me it's
a 30 kilometre an hour speed limit
around here.

It just knows that and I
have never experienced a car
this big and so powerful.

I can't believe
I said car this big.

In the Mulsanne, however...
I must say I'm terribly
disappointed by the Bentley.

It is the most expensive...

Oh, God, strewth! I'm going off.
No, I managed to... Jesus wept!

It is the most expensive penis
of the three,

ã220,000, and from where
I am sitting, it is hard to see why.

Oh, crunch. What the hell
were Bentley thinking of?

Even by Albanian standards,
it was absolute rubbish.

Until 1991, Albania was
probably the most extreme
Marxist state in the world.

One man, who owned a cafe,
got 18 years in jail for telling
a customer he didn't have a spoon.

Another guy pointed at Corfu
over there and said,

"Why have they got a light
in their harbour and we haven't?"
He got 25 years.

And soon we were reminded of
the dark days because the
road just sort of stopped.

And to make things worse, instead
of white lines, they'd used rocks.

Let's not view this as a
bad thing, it is at least a
chance to test the car's ride.

As far as I'm concerned,
the road merely
changes colour occasionally.

I am quite surprised because this is
an AMG-tuned Merc, which you would
expect to be a very firm thing.

It's coping with this very well.
However, in the Bentley...

This has to be the least
refined car I've ever driven.

This is simply intolerable.

ã220,000 for this. Oh, God, it's...

Yeah, you got hooked
up on a cat's eye, mate.

Let's - can we - if one pushes
and two lift the wheel arches...
We just lift it off. Heave!

The bumper is in deep trouble here.

Yes. Just drive it back, hang on.

That is wedged. That's sad to
see a Bentley treated in such a...

Nice(!) It's off.

Tough thing!

Fortunately, the rough
road soon ended. Unfortunately, it
ended at an Albanian river crossing.

That's not the ferry, is it? Yes.

That's a raft,
rather than a ferry, isn't it?

Still, it wasn't like the cars we'd
be loading were valuable, or heavy.

It's not even fastened together.
It's driftwood.

Have seen the captain's chair?

That's the most incredible
thing I've seen - it's got
five legs, it's got five legs.

Despite the peril,
James volunteered to go first.

Ha-ha-ha!

No, no. You're all right now.

Oh, my God. What worries me
is the Bentley is 2.8 tonnes,
it's the heaviest by far.

Wow. I guess
because it's in the middle,
it didn't have the same effect.

We're off.

We are now leaving the shore on
an old piece of flotsam with over
half a million quids worth of cars.

This is the best ferry
I've ever been on.

It is the worst I've ever been on.
This is the worst thing I've ever
been on. It's absolutely terrible.

Eventually, HMS Driftwood deposited
us gracefully on the other side.

Oh, no. And as we drove
on, we realised that one

benefit of the Mercedes, if you're a
Mafia boss, is that you do blend in.

Mercedes. Mercedes. Mercedes.

Mercedes. Mercedes.

Mercedes. Mercedes. Mercedes.

Look at them all.

Mercedes. Mercedes. Mercedes.

Mercedes. Mercedes. Mercedes.

It turns out that a staggering
80% of all cars registered
in Albania are old Mercs.

But that said,
English cars are popular too -

a point we discussed when we
pulled over for afternoon tea.

Apparently, what happens is,
Albanians go to England,

get a job, buy a car, and then
bring it back with them here.

Right. It is quite traditional
when you bring a car back
like that that you drive it

around with the door locks pulled out
and sometimes little marks along the
back of the door, the trailing edge.

They have a tradition here of filing
off any numbers they find under
the bonnet. That's to save weight.

Oh, is it? Yes, that's why they do
it, all the VIN numbers, identifying
plates, that makes the car lighter.

Oh I see.
Weight-saving measures are important.

Some of them, though, are stolen.

No! Give up!

I'm afraid they are. After tea, the
sun came out, so we hit the coast
road and went for a nice cruise.

Well, it was nice for me.

God! The power of this thing
and the acceleration it makes
possible is mind-blowing.

It's weird, actually,
because it's so quiet.

There's always noise when
you go fast and yet,
in this, there really isn't.

The beans, oh! It doesn't encourage
you to be sporty, or aggressive.

It's just so nice.

It's nice in the Rolls-Royce.

But then my nice time was
ruined by news from the Bentley.

Oh, no, the Mulsanne is overheating.

We stopped to let the twin turbo V8
cool, but then...it decided to die.

ENGINE WON'T TICK OVER

No.
So I tried a reverse bump start.

He's done that wrong. The brakes!

No.

The door mirror's come off!

It's suddenly dawned upon me
that he isn't very bright.

I think he could be a massive idiot.

The door mirror!

How long will he go before...?
Well...

Oh, no.

Just get it away from the wall.

It's the steepest hill in
Albania you've broken down on.

While we examined the engine, the
orang-utan tried to mend the door.

Then an Albanian mechanic
arrived and Jeremy filled him in.

Running, then stop.

That describes most breakdowns.

Running and then stop, you idiot!

Don't say to that man,
"My car needs a jump."

LAUGHTER

Yes. Yes.

The Bentley is running well.

It had been a long and tiring day
on the road,
but for Hammond, that was OK.

This S Class has a
new system on board.

It just monitors the driver to make
sure he or she isn't getting sleepy,

or wandering out of the lane, or
nodding off, and it's monitoring
70 different parameters about me.

That must include whether or not I
like different types of cheese,
or if I'm thinking about hats.

I was on life-support in an
intensive care unit and they weren't
monitoring 70 things about me.

Soon, we arrived at a
disused submarine base.

And Jeremy insisted we should stop.

I am a mountain goat. Oh!

LAUGHTER
That was close.

Yes.
I love the idea of sneaky warfare.

If there were to be a war tomorrow,
and I had to volunteer for
some service, definitely subs.

Which is ironic - can you imagine a
place where you'd be less welcome.

I wonder if they're for sale.

What are you going to do
with a submarine, Jeremy?

Well, drive about in it.

With the sun going down,
I was dragged away from the sub pen

so we could get back
to our Mafia road test.

We've had a discussion,
and we reckon that when someone
from the Albanian Mafia

is choosing a new car, uppermost
in his mind will be this:
"Can I get a dead body in the boot?"

Makes sense.
That is why the car has a boot.

Stands to reason. Unfortunately, to
find out which of the cars is best,
we've had to murder a passer-by.

Yeah. And here he is.

As you can see, he's quite a big
chap, so he took a lot of murdering.

And now James is going to see

if he can get him in the boot
of the Rolls-Royce.

Am I? Yes. You go first, yes. OK.

That's a good start. Look at that.

What? He was a member of a gym.

He was not! Could we have murdered
someone a bit smaller? Not really.

He was the only one we could catch.
Anyone smaller
would have been faster.

Come on, James, the police
could be on their way.

I can't lift him up.
Three, two, one and up.

No, it's not working.

OK. This was hopeless. So rather
embarrassingly, we had to ask the
man we murdered to give us a hand.

It's not so much the
head, but everything else.

All we have to do now is
saw his leg. Wait a minute.

Just get that in there.

Bend that back round there. Yes!

Yes! Yes. Excellent.

The great thing about the
Rolls-Royce is, it has
self-levelling rear suspension,

so when the boot is shut you won't
know from the way it's riding
that there is a body in there.

Except the boot won't go down.

Right, you get him out and put
him in the back of the Benz.

Get him out?

'Sadly, there's a fridge in
the boot of the Merc,

'which takes up a lot of room.'
Is that it? Can you move that knee?

No chance!

That meant our dead body
wouldn't fit.

Nobody wants to see that.

And even though he did fit in the
Bentley, there was still a problem.

Mate, you can see him. Look.

That is a drawback. Clearly.

You might as well just put him
in the passenger seat.

APPLAUSE

James, Richard, bad news.

What? Do you see the girl
with the red beret on? Yeah.

She's from Albania. Hello!

And can we just ask, is it right
that the word "car" means...

Yes.

LAUGHTER

And "peach"?

INAUDIBLE
Yes.

I thought you'd made it up.
No, we didn't make it up.

She's actually from Albania.
Fair enough.

I have got some more information
on this, er...

You know in the film I said that
some of the cars might be stolen?

I know, you did, that was shocking!
Yes, it was.

Anyway, I've got some information
here on it.

Albania's public order minister was
on his way to Greece to sign an
agreement with his opposite number

on cross-border crime, and as
a formality the Greek police did a
check on his car and it was nicked.

And just so I balance this out,

neighbouring Macedonia, the interior
minister was very embarrassed

when police noticed
her car was actually registered
to David Beckham.

That happens to footballers a lot.

Two AC Milan players had their
Range Rovers nicked. D'you know
where they turned up?

Bournemouth? No, it was Albania.
Was it really?

It was. I have to say - and not
just because you're here -

genuinely, Albania is a fascinating,
brilliant country, very pretty too.

Beautiful. Anyway, it's now time
to do the news. We begin with this.

Honda, which is a Japanese
car company,

they've developed a hat that knows
what your hair is thinking

and then translates
those thoughts in such a way
that it can drive the car.

Have you gone completely mad? No,
seriously, I absolutely haven't.

They say that hair transmits
neurological information. Yeah.

The hat picks that up,
translates it, so if you think,
"I'd like to turn the wipers on,"

your hat knows that
and the wipers go on.

Cos your hair tells you. Your hair?

LAUGHTER

Your hair cannot drive a car.

Your hair isn't very good at
being hair! In fairness, really.

What if you'd had a hair transplant?

Gordon Ramsay!

Yeah, exactly. Gordon Ramsay, no,
wait, wait, wait! Think about it,

if he's stopped for speeding, he can
go, "It wasn't me, I bought my hair
from a man in Los Angeles."

Are we heading for a future where
a policeman stops you and says,

"Do you know how fast your hair was
going, sir?" It's out of my hands.

Does it have to be your hair...
on your head... Enough! If I buy
some pants?

What, Honda pants?

But imagine, 17-year-olds think down
there a lot, don't they?

Imagine a 17-year-old boy
driving with his pubes.

A million miles an hour!
It'd be terrifying. Listen...

Ferrari - let's get it back to cars.

Ferrari has made a new car. It's
their first-ever 4-wheel drive car,

their first-ever hatchback.

There's a picture here,
it's called the FF.

It's got a V12 direct-injection
engine, 6.2 litre,

208 miles an hour, it's going to
cost ã250,000, which is a lot,

but I think that's fantastic.
It's a return to what I call

the shooting brake,
the two-plus-two estate.

We haven't seen one of those
since the Lancia HPE.

Ooh, yes. And do you remember
the Volvo P1800ES?

That wasn't very brilliant, though.
No, it was terrible,
but it looked good.

It looked brilliant. And the Reliant
Scimitar, which you can see...
Ah-hum! You've forgotten the rules!

The law of the land states, if you
say "Reliant Scimitar" you have to
have a comma and then say...

Princess Anne has one of those,
you know?

But you say it in such a way that
you assume no-one else knows.

It's extraordinary, I can't think of
another person who is so associated
with a car.

Nobody ever says, "Henry Kissinger
had an Escort RS2000." He didn't,
though, did he, let's be honest.

She is commonly thought of as being
the hardest working Royal.

She does a lot of work
for a lot of people,

raises millions of pounds
all over the world.

Yet she's still just known
for having a Reliant Scimitar.
It must be annoying.

If you think about it - her daughter
is getting married later this year.

You just know the commentary.
They'll wheel out a Dimbleby
and the commentary will be,

"There's the bride's mother
looking radiant - she has
a Reliant Scimitar, you know."

It will. I've never driven
a Reliant Scimitar, you know?

I know someone who's got one. Do
you? Yeah, Princess Anne. Oh, right.

You know the Fiat 500.
We love it. There's a new one -
the Fiat 500 Twin Air.

It's got a tiny 875cc
2-cylinder engine in there

and it produces so little CO2
that it's free to go in the
congestion charging zone in London.

Great little thing. When I heard
it had a 2-cylinder engine,

I thought that won't move,
but it goes like the clappers.

It sounds like a billion hornets
stuck in someone's bicycle spokes.

Brrrrrr! It's just fantastic!

There is one problem with this
fuel-saving car, though. What?

It uses quite a lot of fuel.
Yes, it does.

Can't argue with that.
We did a test last week.

We left the track here, went back to
London - so a bit of country road,

bit of dual carriageway, bit of
city driving, and it averaged 38mpg.

We did the same route
in a Volkswagen Polo Bluemotion
and that did 50mpg.

So we have a Top Gear top tip. If
you want to buy a car to save fuel,

buy this one and don't save any.

You won't save anything, but you
will have an enormous amount of fun
not saving any money.

That's what it's for.
That's fine by me.

You know Breakfast News
on television? No, not really.

You must. Earlier this week they ran
a story about cyclists wearing video
cameras on their crash helmets. Yeah.

So they can video examples of road
rage and people cutting them up.

But cyclists deserve it.

Don't say that. But they do.
Just the other week... Honestly,

I'm sitting in a traffic jam,
in London,

and a Frenchman tried to cycle
between the pavement and my car

and after he'd removed most of the
paint with the brake handle thing,

he came round to the driver's door
to tell me off in that silly accent
French people have.

A French accent. Yes, that.

I said to him, "If you just work
harder, you could have a car."
Oh, you see...!

YOU are exactly the reason why I want
a camera on my helmet when I cycle.

Why? So when idiots like you get
out of their car, having cut me up...

Who pays the road tax? Well...
I'm sorry.

I don't mind if cyclists want
to come on the road with their
silly Victorian distractions.

But they must behave themselves.

There are a few militant cyclists...
You're one of them.

I'm not a militant cyclist. You are.
On a bicycle, you are a peach.

Actually, you're a peach most of
the time, but you're a big peach.

You're just another fat car in
his Mercedes and has a pop at me
for riding my bike to work...

You always do, don't you? Often.
Yesterday I saw you riding to work,

and I thought, that bicycle looks
exactly like a 1967 Ford Mustang.

Yeah, well...always ride it, no.

Right, that is the end of the news.

Now, what we have here is
a Ford Sierra Cosworth
and a Ford Escort Cosworth.

I like these cars very much,
which is why I am delighted to say

that after a 15-year gap,
the Cosworth name is back.

But not where
you might be expecting it.

Here it is, on the back of a Subaru.

And in theory, that's a marriage

made in heaven.

You see, what Cosworth is really
good at is taking ordinary,
boring family saloons

and turning them
into street-fighting,

come-on-if-you-think-you're
hard-enough road racers

with fiery nostrils and
a Geordie Saturday night attitude
to peace and love.

But what they've done here is
take a dreary Impreza SDI

and throw most of it away.

The 2.5 litre flat-four engine is
fitted with new pistons, bearings,

conrods, gaskets and head nuts,

along with a totally reworked
oil pump, turbo charger,

intercooler, intake system
and exhaust.

There have been similar
modifications elsewhere -
new wheels, tyres,

springs, dampers, bushings
and brakes.

It's not really a Subaru any more,
is it?

HE LAUGHS

So, is it any good?

In a word, quite.

Certainly, it does capture
some of the magic we used to get
from old Subaru Imprezas.

Whoo-hoo-hoo!

Even when you think all is lost -

sliding - oh, no, you just give it
a dab of power, like that,

and even in rain like this,
it isn't lost any more.

Other nice things?

Well, it rides beautifully for
such a limpet mine, and it is quick.

0-60 takes 3.5 seconds.

But there's a huge amount
of turbo lag.

I'm now in fifth gear, 60mph,
foot down...

..nothing.

Still nothing.

Hang on a minute, hang on...

No, I was mistaken, sorry,
still nothing.

There is another issue, too.

Cosworths are supposed to be
rough-and-ready cars
for people who work with ladders.

They're supposed to be
a cheap-and-cheerful way

of embarrassing the Ruperts
and the Joneses in their Ferraris,

but this is as near as makes
no difference ã50,000,

and with all that turbo lag,
all you're going to embarrass really
is...yourself.

Still nothing.

Still nothing.

So, if the Subaru's no good,
what else is there?

Well, there's this.

It's the Ford Focus RS500,
and let's not mess about...

it's brilliant.

Ha-ha!

It has a 2.5 litre turbo-charged
engine, just like the Subaru,

not quite as powerful, but you still
get 345 brake horsepower...

..all of which is sent
to the front wheels.

That sounds like the recipe
for a massive accident.

TYRES SQUEAL
But it isn't.

This is really very, very good.

Of course, you do get a fair bit
of torque steer.

Watch the steering wheel when I put
my foot down. Hands off, here we go,

and...yeah, we've turned right.

And right again. Every time
the turbo cuts in, you turn right.

But, thanks to
a clever front differential,
the grip is incredible.

It's also extremely fast.

The top speed, they say, is 165mph.

165 - that means this Ford Focus

is 10mph faster than a BMW M5.

Since that is now 150...

155...

yeah, I'll believe them.

This is a really well-sorted car.

Well-equipped too, with voice
activated keyless Bluetooth.

And to top it off, it's ã35,000,

nearly ã15,000 less than the Subaru.

So if you're after
a family hatchback

that's vaguely yobbish and very
fast, this is your obvious choice.

Or is it?

This is a Volvo.

But, before you leap
to conclusions...

..watch this.

I'm in the Volvo!

Go! It's a good start.

And look at this!

The Hush Puppy is beating
the Reeboks.

Oh, yes! Ha-ha! Ha-ha-ha!

Yes!

The pensioner is victorious.

So, what is it, then, this
deafening, electric-blue streak
from the frozen North?

Well, it uses exactly the same
turbo-charged 2.5 litre engine

that Ford use in the hot Focus, but
in this it's all turned up to 27...

or 86 or 109 because it produces,

as near as makes no difference,

400 horsepower.

Small wonder they called it the PCP

cos it really is like driving around
in a cloud of angel dust.

Brrrrrrrr!

ENGINE ROARS

Listen to that!

ENGINE ROARS

Of course, you probably think
it will all fall to pieces

when it sees a corner. But, no.

It has, I'm delighted to say on
a day like today, four-wheel-drive,

so the grip is just phenomenal
and you can reach amazing angles

and still rescue it.

It was built for fun by the team
that makes the Volvos

for the Swedish
Touring Car Championship

and it is genuinely remarkable.

Really sharp, really hard,
really raw,

and it just goes like the clappers.

To top it all off, the PCP
is based on a normal Volvo C30,

which we on Top Gear
think is the best-looking

of all the small hatchbacks.

Inside, the steering wheel,
the gear lever, the doors,

the seats, everything, is covered
in what appears to be mole skin.

And that does make you wonder
how big was the mole

they peeled to make this piece?

This car is epic, but there is
one quite large problem with it.

Volvo refuses point blank
to put it into production.

Pity.

APPLAUSE

Wow. It's a shame. That Volvo does
just sound incredible. Amazing.

But because they're not actually
making it, you would have the Focus?

The problem is, they only made
500 of these and they're sold out.

Right. So if you want a very
hot hatch, it's got to be

the not so good Subaru?

They only made 75 of those
and they are sold out, as well.

Hang on, you have just spent
nine minutes of our lives

reviewing two cars you can't buy
and one that doesn't exist?

Yes, I have. Thank you.

Yes, I have. Now, we must find out
how fast they go round our track.

Not the Volvo, because this board
is for production cars only,

so, the other two.

That, of course, means handing them
to our tame racing driver.

Some say he once tore a goat in half

and that he's now regretting
buying his new holiday home

in downtown Cairo.

LAUGHTER

All we know is,
he's called the Stig.

And they're off. The track is damp
and that should mean

the four-wheel-drive Subaru
has the advantage over

the front-wheel-drive Ford.

Let's see in the first corner.

Coming in wide and...
let's have a look.

Oh, it's the Imprezza,
getting out of shape.

♪ Going loco down in Acapulco... ♪

Absolutely no idea
why he is listening to that.

Now, the Ford coming out there,
looking OK, good.

That trick dif pulling it straight
in the Hammerhead.

Let's watch out for understeer
from either of them...

No, all pretty tidy.

So, here we are, two turbo-charged
slingshots on to the straight.

Into Follow-through...

Ooh, Stig drifting
the Subaru like a mad one!

Imprezzas normally
look like a gum disease.

This one is a gum disease
with a spoiler on it.

And with those blacked windows,
the Ford looks like a van.

Just Gambon left.

Two hatchback drabs
coming through there.

And across the line!

APPLAUSE

I have the times here.
And the Focus did it

in 1.30.8.
So, wet track, in between two 911s.

The Subaru, though, I think, thanks
to four-wheel-drive, did it in

1.27.7, so that goes there, look.

That's some useful consumer advice,
if you are thinking of buying

any of them, which you aren't,
because you can't. Thanks(!)

Let's move on now.
It's time, in fact, to put a star

in our reasonably-priced car.

My guest tonight
is a prodigious tweeter.

He tweeted only this morning
to say he was going to appear

on the show dressed as a Mexican.

LAUGHTER

Ladies and gentlemen,
please welcome, Jonathan Ross!

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Thank you. Thank you.
Hello. Hello, Jeremy.

Very well. How are you? I'm good.
Have a seat.

What?

I brought my Mexican
wrestling mask along,

so you can apologise in person.

Put it away.

There's just no possibility of us
mentioning Mexico this week.

We mentioned it maybe twice,
I think we have got away with it.
You are back on the BBC?

I'm back, who thought that would
happen? Not me. I had 20 quid on it.

Are you a bit nervous?

No. Why, should I be?

No, back on the Beeb.

I thought you were going
to come out to me.

At least you have chosen
to come back on a show

that never gets into trouble.
Exactly.

And I'm a safe booking for you.
Exactly.

Listen....do you have Tourette's
or do you know what you're doing?

BLEEP BLEEP, you BLEEP!

LAUGHTER

Oh no, I don't. Did that come out?

Yeah, you said it out loud.

For me, that was just in there.

No, I don't have Tourette's,
Mr Clarkson, but I do sometimes

maybe go a little bit further
than other people.

I always thought that was
part of what I should do.

You are paid to do certain things
and feel you should push things
in a certain way and put it out.

You had David Cameron on the show
and asked him if - what's the word

I can use? - pleasured himself
while thinking about Mrs Thatcher?

Yes. You did say that?

And then there was Gwyneth Paltrow.

You said you would like
to make a bouncy-bouncy!

Look, when you were driven round
by Cameron Diaz,

what were you thinking? Oh.

Yes.

LAUGHTER

We know what you were thinking.
Many bad things. You didn't say
it out loud, but I was...

The show I had on the BBC,
certainly part of the fun of it
and part of what we were doing

was doing something very much
of the moment and that was the joke.

I would stand by that,
even though that was one of
the complaints upheld,

not made by Cameron, by the way.
who I would still love to...
Cameron? David Cameron?

Cameron Diaz. Oh, Cameron Diaz!

I thought you were
coming out to David Cameron -
a terrifying prospect.

I'd rather come out to Nick Clegg.
He looks so much easier to dominate!

We are living in strange times.
We must be careful that we don't

trip up over anybody,
which means...

We can't talk about anything.

Well, your beard...

Lovely. We might upset
beards and beardmen.

Why have you grown a beard?
Why have I grown a beard? Mmm.

It's easier than getting up
and shaving, for a start,

because you only do this - zzz, zzz,
zzz. I did take a really big chunk

out the bottom the other day,

because I've got one where you
set it and it takes a bit,

but I had it on the wrong one,
my wife was talking, I went,
"Yes, darling." and I had

a reverse Mohawk,
with a big stripe up there.

The opposite of a Brazilian?

Yes, I do use the same one down
there, to trim up the old fella,

because otherwise you get to our age
and you can't see anything there.

I should explain, we are - we don't
look it - but we are the same age.

Man, what happened to you?!

LAUGHTER

Well, I'm now... You were going
there, I had to get in first!

I now walk up stairs. Do you?
Yeah. Have you never walked up?

What did you used to do - crawl
on your belly like a snake?

No, do you not do exercise?

I do. I'm quite strong
at the moment, but a bit flabby.

Can you do those things where you
lie on the floor, you basically do

a press up and then just hold
it there? A plank, yes. You cannot.

What's wrong with you?
You made out of jelly ?

Get your clock out.
Get your BLEEP out?! I'm going.

At least my hearing's still working!
What's wrong with you?!

Get down on the floor. I bet you
I can do one for longer. Go!

LAUGHTER

I can be here for hours. I can be
here for hours. Are you in a rush?

My arms are starting to wobble quite
badly now. They're not. They are.

That was just bullying!

APPLAUSE

Otherwise, we would
have been there for hours.
I can do that, literally, all day.

That is not an exercise.
It is an exercise.

That is not an exercise.
All you have done is freeze

your joints in place,
that's not an exercise.

Give me a minute. It is hard,
isn't it? I'm sweating quite badly.

You grow this. Now we have
passed 50, this has just appeared.

I have no clue what you're saying.
I want to talk about cars. People
buy cars for different reasons.

I buy them because they're loud,
James May buys them because
they're brown.

Looking at yours,
you buy them because they're stupid.

Well, you might think stupid,
but one man's stupid is another
man's cute and fun.

Pink Ford Thunderbird?
I've got the Thunderbird.

It is quite stupid.

No, it's pretty.
I don't like driving around
seeing all cars look the same.

I like Hammond, what's happened
to him recently? He's got very...

In what way? He looks like -
imagine if you asked a girlie girl

to decorate a scarecrow, that's him.

LAUGHTER

Somebody's bought him
an Adam and the Ants video.
He's wearing a necklace.

♪ Stand and deliver. ♪

Does he think he's on his gap-year?

LAUGHTER

At least May, you know he's going
to be dull before you see him.

MAY: I don't much like Jonathan
Ross, he's much too flamboyant.

He didn't like me at all.

Stop changing the subject.
Pink Thunderbird?

It's coral pink
and I love convertibles.

If it's not raining, even if
it's Arctic, I will have...
in the snow, I had my roof down.

Just tell me, when you are driving
along then and people can see
it is you and everything...

BEEP, BEEP

Are people appreciative or do they
say other things? They love it.
"Hey, Wossy", all the time.

The other ones -
a Messerschmitt and a bubble car.

Is that two... The Messerschmitt
has got the seat behind each other.

It's like a two-stroke engine,
but it's really weird, because
if you want to go in reverse,

you press the key
and when you do the ignition,
the solenoid drops to the back.

So you can get in fourth gear
in reverse. You can.

You can go to something like
50mph in reverse in something
which is like a lunchbox.

LAUGHTER

You've got kids, family
and all that. There's nothing
in that list where you say,

"Come on, kids, I'll take you in..."

The one we use for the family
is the car we have had the longest,

which is, we've got a Toyota Previa,
bought second hand 12 years ago,

and we've had any number of scrapes
in it. The dogs have been sick,

people have
dropped drinks everywhere.

I think my wife did a wee once on
a long journey. We've all done it!

I was saying to her the other day,
"You know what is a brilliant idea,

"we should get together and get some
business, go and see the Dragons."
If you had a car seat,

on a long journey, pull out a little
thing and it's a potty.

Then when you go along, press a
button, a little panel opens up
underneath the car like on a plane,

drops the poo and the wee
out on the motorway.

Or outside someone's house
you don't like.

I think we've managed to get through
the interview part of the interview
without too much of a problem.

Thank Allah for that!

LAUGHTER

That's fine. That's all right.
That's positive.

That's all encompassing,
that is multi-cultural.

If you do have a problem,
write to us, at Jonathan Ross, ITV.

So we get on now,
of course, to your lap. Yes.

The last time you were here,
you got lost.

No, I didn't get lost.

Well...you stopped at the Hammerhead
and went like this...

Because I couldn't... All right,
because there was no-one there
to give directions and the

track had disappeared under a large,
let's call it a lake, shall we?

It was a very rainy day, and I
went, apparently, over the line.

Because you are clearly threatened
by me, the Alpha male, you took
time off me for that reason.

You've got that arthritis
in your finger.

No, this is a tragic story
from my youth. I chopped the top
of my finger off when I was two,

because my mum had gone out to
borrow food from the neighbours -

this sounds
so bleak and poverty-ridden -
I apparently crawled to the bin

and got a can of beans out and then
sliced my finger off on the top.

And you see the stitch marks,
if you look closely. Look at that.

I did mine skiing in St Moritz!

LAUGHTER

Anyway, who would like
to see Jonathan's lap?

ALL: Yes!

Let's have a look.

Right. Ooh, I say we're determined.

Is that a good start? Ish.

I think Clarkson arranges
bad weather for me.

Here we go into the first corner,
still going round it...

Is that good, I can't tell?

Well, not very fast,
but sometimes...

♪ I'm turning in nice
and I'm braking now, baby. ♪

..sometimes when a car looks slow,
it is actually quite fast.

Boom. Third. Up.

Here we go.
You have slowed that footage down.

This is very slow through here.

That's a good corner,
that's good cornering.

That's where you got lost last time.
You've done well - got out of it.

I was trying to go to third
and I went into fifth. Showboating.

I was in BLEEP fourth.

I put it in the wrong gear.

Fourth sounds about right,
fifth, there. Pretty good.

This is better.
And missed the BLEEP tyres.

Whoa!

The reason you look so slow
is because you are quite slow.

Where are you going now?!

He told me to do that.
Stig told me to do that.

He wouldn't tell you to go off
on the grass. You are lost again.

I didn't want to miss the
opportunity to see the greenery.

There we go, across the line.
Was that my best one?

It's a combination of various shots
to illustrate your driving style.

It's harder than it looks.
It is harder than it looks.

It isn't easy.
What did I do last time?

I bet I've beaten my last time.

I was low last time. You were
really low last time. Let's do it.

Last time you were here,
you did it in one minute 57 seconds,
which would have put you about here.

That was a lot slower, that car.
This is a faster car. Yeah.

1.57. This time you did it...

..one minute...

..49 dead. Yes!

That is a big improvement.
I'm up there with Jeff Goldblum.

Yes! Thank you!
And you were in the wet.

That's good. I'm pleased with that.
Congratulations. Pretty good.

You have improved massively.

You're still quite slow.

I did better, though.
You did, but the thing is,

we also have another little bi
of footage to demonstrate that
you're not really a car man.

Well, listen, no. I know how
to drive. I don't think you do.

Nor does it, it seems,
do you know how to get out of a car.

It was too impossible to get out of.
Would you like to see Jonathan
trying to get out of a car?

I wondered why they made me
pull over there to climb out.

Here we go -
Jonathan getting out of the car.

BLEEP. I broke it.
I broke something.

Ha-ha-ha!

He's out!

Yes!
CHEERING

That was hard. That was...

You need to take part in Le Mans
where quick driver changes are
important. Say no.

It's hard to get out of a car like
that and you've put things in the
way! Say no

to any race involving a driver
change or indeed any race.

I'll come back and try and slowly
crawl up that pole of yours.

Oh, come on! This show won't be
running that long.
LAUGHTER

It's been fantastic having you back.
It's lovely being back. Ladies and
gentlemen, Jonathan Ross. Thank you.

Great fun. Thank you very much.
You've been very kind.

Thank you.

Right, back to the main story.

We've had a letter from a leading
light in the Albanian Mafia asking us
to find out which is best -

a Rolls, a Merc or a Yugo
which, for complicated reasons,
Jeremy is using as a Bentley.

Yeah. And he would not stop moaning
about it.

You wouldn't stop moaning about our
interest in history. Yeah.

Good point there. Word to the wise,
never go on a trip with two OLD men

who keep getting teary-eyed about
the Cold War. Never go on a trip

anywhere with someone
who believes the whole world
should be like Birmingham.

It's market day obviously -
that's nice.

Taking a wheelbarrow, shovel handles
and lettuce.

These little tiny patches of land

each with the little tiny house
on it, and people farming it,
is that to do with Communism?

He is the stupidest man
in the world.

I assume it is.

Ooh, I've seen control towers
over there.

I want to go and play
on a Cold War airfield.

Oh no.

'The airfield was abandoned, so
assuming straight line speed would
be important to a Mafia boss

'we lined the cars up on the runway
for a drag race.'

This is pure Mercedes territory
we're in now.

The S Class might have the smallest
engine of the three,
a mere six litres,

but that twin turbo-charged V12
belts out 604 brake horsepower

and 737 torques.

On paper, Hammond is right,
the Mercedes ought to monster it.

But the Rolls-Royce does have 563bhp
AND it has eight gears

where the Mercedes has only five so
this will stay on the power better.

Anybody's race, this.

Well, not ANYONE'S.

ENGINES REV

ENGINE FAILS TO TICK OVER

Can I have a push?

This is not customary, is it?

I want to get it going
and then we'll have the race.

Yeah. Go! Come on,
put your back into it.

ENGINE STARTS
Right...

What?! He's gone!

Ha-ha-ha-ha!

They weren't expecting me
to do that.

What kind of drag race is that?!

Now, come on, Bentley, come on.

We have the advantage.

Give me a gear. Right.

Three, two, one.

TYRES SQUEAL

Woah!

God that Mercedes is quick.
Look at that! This thing
is unbelievably fast!

100kph.

Bentley now up to 130...

Oh! Holy moly!

240 kilometres an hour!

153, 4, 5, 6, 7...

260 kilometres an hour!

That is actually
quite a big adrenaline hit. Oh...

Quite interesting, the runway here
is...has got crazy paving,
and some of the slabs are mined

so they can be detonated should
Albania be invaded by a country
that wants its, um,

watermelons. We're doing 70 now.

'With the drag race done,
I thought we should move on.

'But I had forgotten I was on tour
with Brezhnev and Khrushchev.'

James, you are in for a surprise.

Oh, bloody hell!

Oh, God! Oh...God...

Those are MiG-15s.

This is astonishing.

That's a 19.

Look at that!

I mean, there's a lot of MiGs here,

really a lot of MiGs.

The drag race has murdered it.

Come on, shut that,
let's look at this.

I've never been in a better place
to let an engine cool.

Oh! So these are MiG-15s?
No, that's a 19.

This is a 19? Yeah.

While those two are re-living
their Cold War fantasies,

let me talk you through
some features of the S Class.

For a start, I can a adjust

the seat sides down here,

the backrest sides,
the lumbar overall,

the lumbar cushioning,
the shoulders.

Then I access the massage menu
because I have a choice -

slow and gentle, slow and
vigorous, fast and gentle,

or fast and vigorous.

Ooh.

It's got... The ejector seat handles
are where your right shin is.

This is just... Honestly
I have never been anywhere...

Albania is like a museum. It is.

Opening the boot lid,
it can be done with a key fob,

or it can be done remotely from
within the car.

But you don't want to just open it

because how far do you want
your boot lid to open?

I can set it here

to open this much,
or a little bit wider, assuming
there's room, obviously.

'Back in the scrap yard,
James was starting to get boring.'

I think the 17 is interesting
because it points to
a lot of nascent developments

in aerodynamics around that time when
transonic and supersonic flight was
only just...

The TU-15, two-seater version of the
MiG-15 from the Korean War. I believe
that will have been built in China.

When the relationship between China
and Russia broke down the Chinese
made copy-engineered MiG-15s.

But the flaps still work.

Ailerons, dear boy.

'After James's interesting lecture,
I turned my attention
back to the Mulsanne.'

I don't know that this new Bentley
is going to catch on with Bentley's
traditional customer base -

Kerry Katona, Jordan, Peter Andre,

John Terry, Brian Cline,

Wayne Rooney, Coleen Rooney
and so on.

'But would it be perfect for a
leading light in the Albanian Mafia?

'Or would he prefer one of the
others? We realised we didn't know.

'So that night, James and I

'dreamed up one more test

'and then, in the bar,
we explained it to Hammond.'

What do you mean,
"We're going to rob a bank"?

It's a great test. We rob a bank,
OK? Use our three cars

as the getaway cars.

The ones that get away from the
police and on to the ferry

and back to Corfu are good cars.

If you're caught by the police
and you spend the next

40 years in jail...
You've got the wrong car and you
know what to blame. The Bentley

might suddenly come good.
No, it won't.

'The next morning,
we found a bank full of money...

'and robbed it.'

Going for a stroll. Look normal.
Look normal. Look normal.

Yeah. Take the Merc,
that's the quickest.

Oh, God. Hammond! Hammond!

There we are, completely normal.

TYRES SQUEAL

My Merc...

Clarkson, you BLEEP!

Right, Rolls it is.

Seatbelt safety.

You utter BLEEP!

ALARM BELLS RING

TYRES SQUEAL
What a pair of utter, utter cars!

Where's the sign to Saranda?
I want Saranda.

Oh, zebra crossing. N-not ideal.

Take your time, chum, why not(?)
I would.

Saranda? Saranda? This way?

That's the first time EVER

in history, someone escaping from
a bank job has asked directions.

Right, can we make it to the ferry

to Corfu without being caught?

Police, police!

SIRENS WAIL

No! Come on!
HORNS BEEP

HE GROANS
Hello.

Come on!

Why did we rob a bank at rush hour,
Hammond?

Yu-u-uh...

Why didn't we use a cashpoint
like everyone else?

HORNS BLARE
Undercut.
HORNS BLARE

Yes.

'Meanwhile, in the Mulsanne...'

I can't see a bloody thing.

Come on!
TYRES SQUEAL

SIRENS WAIL

Crikey, it's the Albanian rozzers.

Argh!

Really annoying me now,
keeps dropping down.

How do women wear tights?

Ooh, squeezing, squeezing...

They're getting closer. 'Eventually,
the road began to open out.'

Right. Go, go, go, go, go!

Everything you've got, old Roller,
come on!

Move!

Don't pull out. Do not...

TYRES SCREECH

JEREMY: BLEEP!

Strewth! How a bank robber lives
to be beyond 25 years old,
I don't know because it is stressy.

SIRENS WAIL
'In a Bentley, it's VERY stressy.'

The heat's all over me.

Come on, Bentley.

Climbing. Climbing.

Ears popping.

Big drop.

'Annoyingly, on the damp
switchback road, Albania's Five-0

'could keep up.'

It rolls a bit more than the Merc.

God. It's like trying to escape
in a bed!

I might fall out.

It's got the power.
But then you get to a corner -

and this is a biggy -

see, front's gone.

Any curve, any dampness
and you've... Whoa.

'Mercifully, though, the road soon
straightened out which meant

'Hammond and I could absolutely
fly.'

Go, go, go, go, go!

Oh! What a machine! Yes! I like it.

It's faster than I was expecting,
this Rolls.

It is genuinely jaw-dropping
this thing.

It feels SO fast.

I think I just got air
in a Rolls-Royce.

I think I did.

'For James, though,
things weren't going so well.'

They're gaining. They're gaining.

No! Catastrophic understeer.

'Up front, Richard and I had left
the rozzers far behind.'

The ferry is near now.

Good car, this.

Not as good as my Merc

but a good car none the less.

This is the getaway car
of the century.

If you are a leading light

in the Albanian Mafia,
look no further.

'Eventually, we made it to the ferry
terminal and could taste
the freedom.'

Go, just go! Hang on,
shouldn't we wait for James?

'But James was in big trouble
because the cars chasing us
had stopped

'and formed a road block.'

You'll never take me alive, copper.

I'll see you in Spain, lads!

Argh!

GROANING

See you, James.
It probably didn't hurt much.

No... Ha-ha-ha!

So James May is dead. Anyway...

APPLAUSE
I love Albania.
Could you have made THAT

in any other country in the world?
Exactly. Anyway,

we must now choose which of the cars
is best. Yes,

I suppose we must.
I prefer the Merc, definitely.

I know that the late James May
preferred the Rolls-Royce.
He made that very clear.

And as the Bentley
is plainly rubbish, I think
you have the casting vote.

If you were a leading light
of the Albanian Mafia,
which car would you buy?

If I was a leading light
in the Albanian Mafia,
I wouldn't BUY either of them.

Good point. OK, which do you prefer?
I am minded to say the Rolls-Royce.

But the problem is,
if you have one of these,

one day you will pull up at a set
of lights and alongside

will slide Simon Cowell in his
bigger Phantom and he'll go...

LAUGHTER

I know what you mean. Be honest,
you would only buy the Ghost because
you couldn't afford the Phantom.

Because I don't want that, I'd have
the Mercedes. Yes!

It's not really a bombshell, is it?

James's death is a bombshell.
It's an inconvenience, yes.

That's true. So on that
inconvenience, it's time to end.

Thank you so much for watching.
See you next week. Good night.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd.