Top Gear (2002–…): Season 16, Episode 2 - Episode #16.2 - full transcript

Jeremy Clarkson, Richard Hammond and James May go head-to-head against their opposite numbers from Australian Top Gear in a car-based version of The Ashes. With disciplines including rallying, drifting and an Aussie version of double-decker car racing, it's an all-out grudge match that will almost certainly end in tears. Also in the show, Jeremy is on the test track in Ferrari's new 599 GTO and another celebrity guest takes their turn as the Star in a Reasonably Priced Car.


Tonight, a sausage gets burnt,

a sheep falls over,

and our track is all wet.

CROWD CHEERS AND APPLAUDS

Hello! Hello, everybody. Hello.

Thank you. Thank you so much.

Now, you may remember, a couple
of years ago, we were contacted

by a German car programme,
asking us to boost their ratings.

You mean "take us on in a series
of motoring-related challenges".

Yes, that. Anyway, we
did what he just said,

and we didn't just beat them - with a
little bit of cheating, we humiliated them.

Yeah, but despite the
futility of taking us on,

we've now had a letter from the
people who make Top Gear in Australia.

It's basically the same programmeas ours
but with silly accents. Yeah. I've got the
letter here.

It says, "Dear Top Gear UK, we're coming...
" Why am I doing this in a French accent?

"Dear Top Gear UK, we're coming
over to your stupid country soon,

"and we want to take you on in a
car-based Ashes, you Pommie bas... "

Ahem! Obviously, we picked up their
gauntlet, so welcome, everybody,

to Top Gear versus Australia Motoring
Jeux Sans Frontieres - Ashes.

"Land of Hope and Glory"

These are the cars we can call on -

the Aston Martin
DBS, the Jaguar XKR,

the Caterham Superlight,

the Aerial Atom,

the Bentley Continental,
the Range Rooney.

The list goes on and on.

"Waltzing Matilda"

And these are the
cars they can field -

the Holden Maloo pickup,

the Holden Commodore saloon...

And that's it.

So, we've got the cars, we've
got the place. Where are they?

Should have landed
over three hours ago.

You did book them a
taxi, didn't you?

Sort of.

I just thought it would be nice for them to
arrive back in the country the way their
ancestors left.

There's a pleasing circularity to it.
Exactly. That is thoughtful.

That is very thoughtful.

No, it is.

So, let's meet the men
we'd be up against.

Guys! Ewen Page, who
does not have a beard...

.. Steve Pizzati, who does...

.. and Shane Jacobson, who is fat.

Strangely, none of them was very
happy about the prison lorry.

That gag was not funny in 1938.

It is here. You've had about 200years to
come up with a better gag,and that's it.
It's funny!

I want to apologise for cubicle one.
You ran out of paper.

To try and stop them whingeing, we
let them choose the first event.

OK, working man's
one-kilometre drag race.

We'll pit a typical
Aussie commercial vehicle

against a typical Pommie commercialvehicle
to see which is the fastest. Drag race, eh?

Yeah, what do you say? OK,

it's "a working man's
one-kilometre drag race".

This was a cunning move by
the Aussies, because it meant

they could go straight in to
bat with the Maloo pickup.

See that there?

A six-litre V8. 380 horsepower.

In America, they use the engine out
of this in the Corvette. Ah, yeah.

Sadly, we hadn't thought to
bring a commercial vehicle.

The bloke who just came and
painted my house did have a Jag.

Is that any good? It doesn't make it
a commercial vehicle. Not really, no.

I don't think we can really get away with
any of these as... They're justgoing to say
that we're cheating.

Luckily, Jeremy then remembered
he had a mate with a Transit,

so it was brought over, and a
pessimistic Hammond climbed aboard.

This is not a good start for us.

This exhaust is blowing badly.

That really suits you, that.

I can't imagine you in
anything else, Bruce.

It is just Bruce in a Brucemobile.
And look at Nigel over there.

Can we just stand back? Because
this is, I'm afraid, going to be...

.. a bloodbath. It is.
A bloodbath. Exactly.

Are you still sureyou
want to do this? Yes! Yes!

Why do I have to
do the first event?

And why does it have
to be in an old van?

All I've got to do is watch that
little green light and then win.

ENGINES REV

Whoa!

What the hell is in that van?

What is this thing? It's insane!

He's in the weeds! He's blown away!

Yes! Yes, a clear
win for the Nigels.

I'm sorry, Bruce, we take that one.

First blood to Nigel.

Sorry, Bruce. Yeah, we forgot
about the traditional gesture.

That's not a van. It is a van!
It doesn't seem like a van.

It is a van. Did you see the look
on Nigel's face when it took off?

They don't believe it's a van!

Pretty impressive. I like your van.
And they're all like that. That's standard.

Look, I will prove to you thatit is a van.
Behold. What is that?

It even managed to beat you while
carrying an engine in the back.

Ready? Hang on.

It says "Jaguar"!

All right, this might be a bit...

Yes. And it's turbocharged, too!

It is slightly turbocharged. Actually, what
it is, if I'm honest, it's a Jaguar XJ220.

Ohhh! Did you say we weren't allowed
to bring a Jaguar-propelled van?

Well, no. Is it a van?
Is a van a commercial vehicle?

You could have warned me.
I got the shock of my life!

Honest to God!

After our first-innings victory, Jeremy
decided that for the second challenge,

we should re-run a race we'd
first tried against the Germans.

OK, guys, it is really
straightforward, OK?

The car on the bottom has the
accelerator, the gears and brake,

but no steering wheel, because the
steering is done by the car on the top.

You got that?

Right. You got it, then, Bruce?

Which one's ours, Nigel?

These are both ours. OK?

We have both these.

Yours are over here.

But... But what? It's upside down!

Yes, but it won't be when you get home and
you watch it on TV there. It'll all be the
right way up.

We are racing against
the Flat Earth Society.

Do you feel kind of light-headed
now, being the right way up?

A lot of blood in your feet. I feel cheated.
I feellike someone's going to vomit.

You always think that they're
happy-go-lucky, the Australians.

It's just solid whingeing.
We were until we got here.

Sensitive, flighty, "Oh, no, I don't
want to go upside down in a racing car.

"I'll die with sick in my helmet.
" What's your problem? You've one here,

and you've got the other
two Toyotas over there.

Well, hang on, that's four seats.
There's only three of us.

Yes. We are in the same boat.

Obviously, we need four
people, so we've got...

Well, there's no other way of putting this.
We've got Jodie Kidd.

Yeah. Good for you. So, who've wegot?
Elle MacPherson. No. Kylie. No.

Dannii. No.
You've got Darren Lyons.

Right. What's his name again?

Darren Lyons. He's the ultimate
paparazzi photographer.

So he's famous here? Very.

And look at his hair. We are.

It was time to saddle up.
We should talk tactics.

What are the tactics?
Well, beat the Australians. OK.

What are you talking about
down there? Tactics.

Tactics! You're going
to have to really shout.

I can't hear you. It's all
right, he doesn't mind shouting.

Hammond? Yes?

One bang for faster,
two for slower.

Well, what if you bang for faster twice?
That's like slower.

I'll leave a pause.

Hey, look, they're being
lowered in, everybody.

I hope he doesn't vomit.

If he vomits, I'm going to vomit.

With the Aussies the right way
up, we were ready to begin.

What's the start? The klaxon thing?

KLAXON BLARES Oh, we're off!
Go, go, go!

Go on, Jez! Jesus!

Yes! Oh, see the power!

BLEEP!Go!

Already! Oh...

Oh, God, we're going to die.

Yee-ha! Jodie, you're a star!

At the back, Hammond and May werehaving
communication problems. Get them on the
inside, Hammond. Inside!

Going round the outside. Keep going,
steady away! Keeping my foot down...

Come on! Get out of the way!

Quite quickly, my colleagues
overtook the Aussies...

Here we go, here we go.

.. mainly because they were
still whingeing. Oh, God!

Where are we? I can't see!

I have no reference! And the
pap was plainly a bit nervous.

It's unbelievable!
I've got no hands!

Tell him to shut up and drive!

BLEEP! At this stage, it looked like
it was going to be a Brit one-two.

But then...

Hammond! Yes! Yes!

Ha! Whoa! This is civil war breakingout,
right here, right now. Get in!

That's a disaster.

While we were bickering...
Go! You've broken my window!

.. the Aussies caught up and engaged
us in a good-natured four-way duel.

Catch that Pommie bastard!

We've got them, we've got them, we've got
them, we've got them, we've got them! Oh,
no!

Even Darren got the bit between histeeth.
Come on, move! Out of my way!

This is Aussie driving!
Darren, slow down!

You're not a racing driver, you'rea
photographer! This is great!

No! An Australian's come through!

We're in the lead!

No!

That's a big one.

'By working together, we
eventually pulled out a lead.

'But soon, Jeremy got bored. '

Jodie, get his back wing.

No, we've stalled! Sorry, James, I
might have done that on purpose.

Come on, go, go, go! Go!

This made James and Richard very
angry, and so, on the last lap,

they exacted their revenge.

Oh, no! Oh, you stupid fool!

Good work, Hammond!

Right, we're in the lead!

We are so in the lead now!

This is ours for the winning!

Oh, they've won.

They've won, they've won.
Not good, not good.

With another victory in the bag,

things were looking
good for Top Gear UK.

You know what? It was turning out to be
like the real Ashes - complete whitewash.

For a sporting nation, they're quitebad at
sport, aren't they? It was quite
embarrassing.

It's like having a competition to see which
country's best at invading Poland, and
Germany coming last.

Anyway, we'll pick that up later on,
because first of all, let's do the news.

Yes, and first of all, last week,

we featured a motorcycle - a BMW, if I'm
not mistaken - a BMW, in your Aerial Atom
film,

and we've had a number of complaints that
we didn't give enough information about it.

So, James, would you
like to address that?

Yes, indeed, bikers, it has a
cable-operated anti-hopping clutch.

Lovely. Thank you very much.

There's a new Mini out, OK?
There's a picture of it here.

It's called the Countryman.

It's not a funny name!

This is the biggest car in the world, OK?
You might think this is a stubble field. It
isn't.

It's the Brazilian rainforest.
These are trees, in fact, here.

So that's a Mini in the same way
that you are a midget. Exactly.

You might think, "Well, I fancy a Mini. I
like the idea of a Mini. But I want more
space!"

But the ridiculous thing is... Well, the
one I drove the other day only had four
seats.

You're right - you'd think there'd be a
middle one in the back, but there's a sort
of "styling feature".

We've got a picture of it.
There's just two bars that run... Look.

What's the point of that?
It is a civic sculpture.

It's like trading up from a three-
to a four-bedroom house

and filling the fourth bedroom with
a waterfall. Why would you do that?

It's just stupid. It's the
stupidest car I've ever seen.

And it gave me crabs.

What? Crabs?

I meant cramp. Why did I say crabs?

How can a car give you crabs?
I don't know! Tell us!

Oh, I know what I want to talk about.
Really big news.

The new car from Pagani's out.

The Zonda's gone. This is the new
replacement for it from Pagani.

Look at that! It's an astonishing 730 brake
horsepower, six-litre AMG V12 specially
designed for the car.

It's got a carbotanium body, so that is
carbon fibre, but titanium woven in with
carbon fibre in it.

Yes, but can I interrupt?

What worries me, we liked the Zonda
because it was completely bonkers, yes?

Doesn't that look a bit sensible,

like Lady GaGa going, "No, no, no. I'm a
musician now, I want to start writing
opera. " A bit serious? Yes.

A bit grown-up? Yes. OK.

Here's the interior, look at that!

That's clearly not all
sensible and boring, is it?

I like the colour, actually.

Well if you want that colour, James, just
have a baby, get it eight times a day!

What's it called?
It's called the Hur-rurgh... It is!

It's spelled H-U-A-Y-R-A.

The... The Hur-rurgh? Exactly!

It's written here, in case you forget. It's
the noise you make when you're sick in the
passenger seat.

If you're just going to mock, you won't
mind if I test it, will you? No, knock
yourself out!

OK. No, don't actually,

if you're driving fast...
I got that.

Oh, day in, day out, we
meet people who say to us

they don't like cars very much,
but they do watch Top Gear.

Well, if you're not interested
in cars, ta-da! A new Ford Focus.

Wow! There it is. You're not
saying it's bad, are you?

No. No. That is some car. I tell you
something about Ford Focus, right,

doing the figures this week on it,

275 people a day in Britain
alone buy a Ford Focus.

That is, what, about 12 an hour?

So who's waking up at 3am thinking,
"I'm going to get a Focus.

"I'm going to go out now.
" Who are they?

No! That's the most mangled bit
of statistics I've ever heard.

It doesn't mean that somebody has
to do it, on the hour, every hour.

Yes, but it's still 275 people a day.
How can we work it out?

We know Saabs are driven
by architects, yes?

We know Audis are driven
by people who play golf.

We know Land Rover Discoveries
are driven by murderers.

What? I'm going to have to pull you up on
that, as I think you'll find murderers
drive a Renault Espace.

Well, Kenneth Noye was a murderer,
he had a Land Rover Discovery.

So he may have done, but Harold
Shipman drove a Renault Espace,

Fred West drove a Renault Espace,
Peter Sutcliffe drove a Renault 16.

That's only because the Espace
hadn't been invented. Exactly.

This is a Top Gear top tip.

If you're a policeman and there's
been a murder in your area,

simply arrest anyone who
has a practical Renault.

That's fascinating.
I think that's very interesting.

Anyway, we got a bit off-topic, but there
you are, the new Ford Focus - ideal if you
just want some car.

Chaps, listen, have you ever wanteda
Mexican sports car? Yes, I have!

Well, it's good news, because
there is one, and here it is,

and it's called the Tortilla.

It is not, it is not called the
Tortilla! What is it called?

I can't remember, it's somethinga bit...
You just made up the name?

Yes, I've forgotten.
Why would you want a Mexican car?

Cars reflect national characteristics, so
German cars are very well built, efficient.

Italian cars are a bit flamboyant and
quick, a Mexican car is just going

to be lazy, feckless,
flatulent, over-stuffed,

leaning against a fence asleep,

looking at a cactus, with a blanket
with a hole in the middle on, as a coat!

It is interesting, they can't do food, the
Mexicans, can they? It's all like sick with
cheese on it.

Refried sick! Yeah, refried sick.

How much is this
Mexican sports car?

The refried Mexican
sports car is L33,000.

That isn't enough.

It isn't enough. Somebody's paid for that
to be developed, it's got to be shipped
over.

That's 800 quid's worth of carthere.
You say that though,

but they do say, in their blurb,
it's got rack and pinion steering.

Wow, it's got steering.

I'm sorry, but just
imagine waking up

and remembering you're Mexican!

It would be brilliant. It'd be brilliant
because you could just go straight back to
sleep again.

Oh, I'm a Mexican.
That's all I'm going to do all day.

That's why we won't get complaints
about this - at the Mexican Embassy,

the ambassador will be sitting there
with the remote control, like this.

They won't complain, it's fine.

I tell you want, there's a radio station in
Germany, offered L20,000 worth of a Mini
Cooper as a prize,

to any listener who would do the
zaniest, craziest thing, OK?

The chap who won it, won it
because he had the word "Mini"

tattooed on his... Face?

No. Arse? Elbow? No. Ears?

No. Toes? No, on his
gentleman's sausage... Mini!

If you think about it, Mini isn't really
the first word you would think to have
tattooed on you're...

I'd rather have the word enormous, but in
tiny letters so the scale... it must be!

If it's going to be cars, though,
I would have Alfa Romeo...

No, I wouldn't have Alfa Romeo,
I'd only get Alf on mine.

I think, actually, having Alfa
Romeo tattooed on your old chap

is a bit of a leap of faith,given our
experience with Alfas. Oh, it's not working
again.

It's never happened before.
It's an Alfa Romeo - it has!

That's the end of the news.
Moving on now.

In Britain, we find it really rather
revolting to talk about how much money
somebody earns, but I couldn't

help but noticing the other day that a DJ,
I won't say which one, Radio 2, in the
morning, ginger,

spent L12 million on a car. You might
think that's ridiculous, but it isn't.

Because the car in question
is a 1963 Ferrari 250 GTO.

'The GTO Ferrari... '

In the eyes of many, the 250 GTO is the
greatest car Ferrari ever produced.

Certainly, it's the greatest road racer
from the ultimate decade of road racing.

And it is extremely rare
just 36 were made.

And because the aluminium body panels
were hand-beaten over pieces of wood,

none of them were quite the same.

On this particular example, for
instance, the driver's door

is a centimetre longer
than the passenger door.

The 3-litre V12 engines
were all different as well.

They were supposed to
produce 295 horsepower.

Some came up with less
than that, some more.

But all of these cars would
do 175 miles an hour,

at a time when your dishwasher
had a name... and ears.

I wish almost more than anything I could
get into this now and take it for a drive,

but even though Top Gear is made
by one of the world's largest

and richest broadcasting organisations,
we simply cannot afford the insurance.

I can, however, drive this...

the 288 GTO.

The mid-engine twin turbo-charged flame
thrower was also built to be a road racer,

but, sadly, the road-racing series it was
built to enter folded before it ever got
the chance.

And, because it has no competition
pedigree, it's now a bargain.

You can buy one for
as little as L400,000.

When the final 288 rolled off the
limited-run production line in 1987,

we all thought that, because road racing
was a thing of the past, we'd never see the
GTO name again,

but we were wrong.

It's back.

This is the 599 GTO
and it's not a racer -

it's a L300,000 road car.

So they've used the GTO
name on a road car.

That's brave. That's like
calling your infant son Jesus.

You need to be fairly sure he's going
to grow up to be something special.

Not a burglar.

So, how has this turned out, then?

Well, it's pouring with rain,
and, as usual, when we're...

BEEPING .. down at the track, I've
turnedthe traction control off.

So, here we go.

Oh... argh...

Nearly.

Have I got it? No.

No!

Come on!

It squirrels under braking, it understeers
when you go into a corner... Ah!

Oh... BLEEP! Bloody hell!

This is not a car -
it's a wild animal.

Oh, actually, it's not evena
wild animal, just a BLEEP!

BLEEP!

Actually, what it is is the most
powerful road car Ferrari has ever built.

Its 6-litre V12
produces 661 horsepower.

And to make sure none of
those horse powers are wasted

lugging around unnecessary weight,
the glass in the windows is thin.

The body work is carbon fibre.

The floor is aluminium.
There are no carpets.

It doesn't even have a radio.

The result, when you understand all that
and you respect it and you leave the
traction control on,

is rather different.

The speed!

Speed!

And the noise of the speed!

0-60, 3.3 seconds.

Top speed, 208.

And then there's the braking.
OK, ready?

Now, I just hold this
left-hand paddle down,

and the down changes are done automatically
at precisely the right moment.

It's a laptop!

These days, automotive electronics are
used to make a car more economical,

more environmentally
friendly, more safe.

Not in this.

In this, the electronics
make you faster.

The car is learning all the time how
fast I can go round this corner.

It's taking constant
readings of tyre temperature,

engine temperature,
gear box temperature

to make sure that when I put my
foot down at the end of the corner,

the maximum amount of power
is sent to the rear wheels.

I'll put my foot down now.
No, it's not ready.

It's not ready! NOW it's ready.

It is all fantastically clever,
but, I'm afraid, there is a but.

Modern jet fighters are kept
in the air, not by the pilot,

but by several million
gigabytes of hardcore software.

And this is just the same.
It's an F-22

with a tax disc.

And that's the problem, because...

I don't feel like I'm
driving this car -

I just feel like a big lump of meat

that's come along for the ride.

Of course, I can't turn the computers
off - well, I can, but I'm not going to,

because that would be like sitting on the
front of a roller coaster and trying to
steer it.

It's not my sort of car, this.

And then there's the
problem with its name.

If they'd called it Matthew or Mark

or Typhoon or Herod, even,

that would have been fine, but
they didn't, they called it a GTO.

But it was not designed for
racing, so it's not a GTO.

It's just a limited-edition tweaked
version of the car Gordon Ramsay drives.

APPLAUSE

So, it's not the Messiah.

It's just a very naughty boy!
That's what it is.

You know what, when you were driving with
the traction control off, it looked pretty
much undriveable.

It was. The thing is, though, after I
made that film, I went to Italy with it.

I drove it in the dry, and it was
a lot better, but, all the time,

you can sense it's plotting on new
and exciting ways of killing you.

You know Cato? What, from
the Pink Panther? Yeah.

That's my favourite comic character,pretty
much. It's like that. You go around the
corner.

You think "Yes, I've got this, I'm holding
this well. " Suddenly, it goes into a
massive tail slide.

Not now, Cato. It is. You go back to a
hotel room at night thinking, "Is it in the
mini bar?

"Is it on top of the wardrobe?" You know
it's going to leap out and attack you at
any moment.

Maybe they shouldn't have called it the
Ferrari GTO, maybe they should have called
it the Ferrari Cato.

That would have been quite a
good name for it, the Cato.

But, anyway, we must now find out how fast
this Chinese psychopath goes round our
track.

That, of course, means handing it
over to our tame racing driver.

Some say that he doesn't
understand the word "envelope".

And that he is the
only woman in Britain

not to have slept with
Alan Johnson's policeman.

All we know is, he's
called the Stig.

And he's off.

And just listen to the
noise of that V12.

Actually, let's just listen.

SILENCE

Nope, can't hear it there.
So, first corner, coming in wide.

Is it going to bite?

Ooh, a little bit,
but he's through.

No stereo in this car, of course,i
t's just got 12 cylinders. CAR REVS

God, that noise is amazing. Now,
Hammerhead, I should say the braking system
on this car is phenomenal.

Carbon ceramic, second generation, so the
Stig can brake very hard and very late, but
he's not braking now.

ENGINE PURRS

Oh, that noise is simply sensational.
It is spine-tingling!

It's like God treading
on a Lego brick!

Here he comes, second to
last corner. Into Gambon.

Is Cato going to attack?
No, he's across the line!

APPLAUSE

He did well.

OK.

It did it... it did it in...

1.19.8.

Which is there.

Look at this, it's 0.7

of a second slower

than the Ferrari 458.

Which costs about
half as much. Yes.

And you might be thinking how
well the Stig did on that lap, OK?

In one of his practice laps,
I should say, this happened.

There he is, going onto the straight.
Completely straight line.

No! Not now, Cato!

LAUGHTER

What a car! What an animal!
Anyway...

it is time now to put a star
in our reasonably priced car.

Now, my guest tonight is quit
literally a tennis player.

He was able to win Wimbledon three times,
partly because of his immense strength,

partly because of his agility,

but mostly, I suspect,
because he isn't English.

Ladies and gentlemen, Boris Becker!

APPLAUSE AND WHISTLING

Hello. How are you?

Hello. Hello. Take a seat.

Thank you.

You're enormous.

As tall as you?
You're bigger than I thought.

A lot bigger than I thought you'd be. Now,
how does it feel to be the most popular
German in Britain?

I guess the list isn't very long.

No, you're right, actually,
it isn't very long.

But it is, you are a
very popular chap here.

Thank you very much. I think it has
a lot to do with Wimbledon, I guess.

Yeah. First, for the younger members of the
audience, you were the first German to win
it,

the first unseeded player to win it

and you're stillthe youngest to this
day to winthe men's single final. Yeah.

You were what - two?

I was a little older, but I was still
a teenager - I was 17 years old.

17! We've got a picture
of you here, actually.

And I do have a big
question - these shorts...

.. did they restrict movement?

Well, at the time, we're
talking '80s, at the time,

that was fashionable. I remember George
Michael had a pair similar to that in one
of his videos.

I think they were stretch -
able to stretch a little bit -

but, obviously, when you stretch
too far on an angle volley,

you might lose... something!

Now, of course, you've stopped playing
tennis, you are now a commentator.

You're going to be commentatingagain
at Wimbledon this year? Yes.

A small word of advice, if I may -

have no opinions about the
looksof the lineswomen. OK.

It is just a little tipI can give you.
Yeah, thank you.

Otherwise, you'll
find yourself sacked.

I was reading the papers the last
couple of days, I find it a bit harsh.

It is a bit weird. You're not
even on television and you get...

I mean, I'd be very sacked.
I mean, the guy...

Andy, you know, he shouldn't have said it,
it was dumb, it was stupid, you don't say
that.

But then he wasn't really on air. It should
have been a penalty, give some money to
charity,

but for him to be fired and lose
his job, I think it's a bit harsh.

No, I couldn't agree more.
Now, I want to get it on to cars, if I may.

Please. You are a car man.

I am crazy about cars, yeah.

We have to declare an interest fromthe off,
you actually have threeMercedes
dealerships. Correct, yes.

So what's the car you drive?
Let me think about it, it's a Mercedes.

Oh, really, that's a surprise!No, my
favourite car,when I'm alone, is the SLS.

You see. Yes, it's my favourite car.
You see. It's a fantastic car.

We proved - the other two agreed
with me, they're not here,

sadly, to back me up - but that is
the best car in the world, the SLS.

Did I see yours parkedoutside
today? Exactly.

I thought I'd come with my
best weapon to impress you.

Now, your first car that you
bought as a teenager was a...?

You're talking about
the Porsche 959.

Yeah? True. That, it really was.
I thought it can't be true.

No teenager goes, "Right, it's time to
buy my first car, I'll make it a 959."

Cos the 959, let's be clear, it was built
for Group B rallying? Yeah. A ferociously
fast thing.

It wasn't a street car. A very
sophisticatedfour-wheel drive system on it.

Very sophisticated
and two turbos. Yeah.

You had the first one kick in at a
certain speed and the second one kick in,

and you were already flying all over the
place, and only 200 were sold or made for
the public.

How old were you when you got it?

19. Did you drive it
like a 19-year-old?

I drove it rather fast and I - you
know, knock on wood - I didn't have

an accident, but I wanted to show
that I'm a man, I'm not a teenager.

And I had to drive top speed.

So my best friend at the time, Patrick,
said, "Listen, let's together drive from
Frankfurt

"to Monte Carlo,

"and there's this highway from Milan down
to Geneva, three lanes, where we maybe give
it a go. "

That's exactly what happened. So I went 326
on a highway - three times the speed limit
allowed in Italy.

That's 200 miles an hour. Yeah.

That is 200 miles an hour in Italy.

Yeah. And you just said
that on television!

But the Italian cars at the
time, they were too slow.

So by the time I went over and passed
them, they, you know, they let me go.

There is another reason
the Italian police,

who you must have
encountered over the years,

if you do 200 miles an hour,
theytend to just go... They like it!

They like it. Good point.

The other thing, of course, the Germans
are the best racing drivers as well.

You had Schumacher for years.

Do you know Schumacher?
Yeah, very well. A good mate?

Good mate. He's come good nowadays.

He in private is very different than on
camera, but when he's relaxed and
comfortable,

he's a cool guy and
has lots of humour,

but, obviously, when he speaks on
camera, it doesn't really show.

Have you met Vettel?Yeah. Sebastian, yeah.
He needs to address his hair.

Well... he's young, that's the look.
Those 21-year-olds wear it that way now.

I think he looks stupid. I mean, you were
wise, you addressed your hair, you realised,

"Hell, I'm ginger, I need to do
something about it. " Now you're not.

He needs to do the same thing!

But he doesn't worry.
He's got the helmet on when he works.

That's true. When he's working,
he does have his helmet on.

Now, your lap. Yeah, please.

It's raining, predictably today!It was
raining... heavy. I had to... I was really
struggling and...!

You're a competitive man?
Of course!

I was seriously
worried that I'm going

to be embarrassed by everybody, because
the steering wheel is on the right.

Yes, the right side of the car.

I'm driving on the left.
The wrong side of the car.

Yeah? So, when I first went into the car, I
couldn't find the clutch, I broke down the
engine.

I ruptured the first car also, because
I was braking wrong all of the time.

Thank God, the last couple of laps...
and because of Schtick.

Schtick told me the
whole secret about...

This is the worst racing
driver excuses I've...!

No, no, no. Schtick was good.

Schtick?! Schtick!

Schtick! When you said Shtick,I
was thinking Michael Stich?No...

Now I'm with you. Stig. Stig.
You are the first German ever to try it.

OK. Cos Michael Schumacher didn't.
He just did it in his Ferrari.

You're the first personto do it... you
haven'tmentioned your broken foot. Well...

You don't like to make a fuss.
No. When did you break it?

Five weeks ago I had surgery. So, it's not
fully healed? No. So many things that went
wrong.

Yeah, but thank God, I didn't have to use
my right leg this time, more my left.

You know the pedals are the same whether
it's the left-hand drive... No, it's on the
wrong side. What?!

Is the accelerator pedal on the leftin
Germany? No, it's on the right. It's the
same for us! No!

It was confusing for me. Now, all of this
confusion did cause a few problems in your
practice...

Yeah... in that every time I looked out of
the window, you were facing backwards on
the grass.

Would anyone like to see that?
AUDIENCE: Yeah!

It's a quite a high s
peed one,this one. OK.

And because you didn't know where the
brake was, it just kept going, really.

Anyway, who would like
to see Boris's lap?

Please! Please. AUDIENCE: Yeah!
Come on, let's have a look.

ENGINE ROARS, TYRES SQUEAL

That is an aggressive start.

That's a gear change.
Come on, baby.

Light my fire. Come on!

There we go. Ooh, several attempts
at getting into the first corner.

Almost got the back wheel
up there, which wasn't bad.

Good. Good. Good. Come on!

It's a good one. Looking good.

That's smooth.

That is, yes, very impressive.
Now, coming up to the Hammerhead.

HE SPEAKS IN GERMAN I'm
speaking German and English.

It's funny. Hey, hey! It's English.

Here we go. Come on. Come on.

Right.

Hard on the brakes.

That was quite slow but if it
looks slow it's normally fast.

That's what he told me.

It's true, the slower you
look, the faster you're going.

But you do need to change
gear better than that!

I show them. I'm not
only a tennis player,

I'm actually a hidden
Formula One driver!

Looking Formula One-ish through there,
apart from the car. Did you like the Kia?

Yeah, it's good fun to drive.
It isn't bad, actually.

Not bad at all.

So much faster driving
than it actually looks.

It's really not bad, that.
It is brown, but it's very nice.

There we go, Gambon.

Nicely controlled, and there
we are, across the line.

APPLAUSE

So... I should explain...

These are the wet times.

Realistically, you're not going to be at
the top of the board as it was pouring with
rain. A lot.

Pouring with rain... Stormy, windy.

Windy. Wrong side. Wrong side.

Pedals were somehow the
wrong way round, as well.

Only car in the world.
I can't think of anything else. Anyway,

these are the wet times, so where
do you think you've come there?

As long as I'm faster
than Angelina Jolie.

It wasn't actually Angelina,

it was Bill Bailey.

OK. He fooled US!

Anyway, I have the time.
You did it, Boris Becker...

What's the fastest wet? 1.49.9.

.. One...

forty-... OK.

He's leaning forward.

.. five! There you go. Wow!

I love it!

That's great.

Thank you. Impressive. Thank you.

Impressive.

APPLAUSE AND CHEERS OK. Thank you.

This new Stig must bea
very good teacher. Yeah.

Because the first couple of laps
I was way over 150, I'm sure.

I made all of the mistakes in the book.
Sliding out, I didn't know how to
accelerate on the wrong side.

Only the last couple of laps,
I started to do better.

That is a very quick time.
So, it turns out you're not only

a brilliant tennis player,
a brilliant commentator,

but also a brilliant driver,
and an excellent guest.

Ladies and gentlemen - Boris Becker!
Thank you very much. Thank you.

APPLAUSE AND CHEERS

Tonight we are engaged in a car-based
sporting challenge against our colleagues
from Top Gear Australia.

Yes, it's like the Ashes for
people who don't like cricket.

Which is us, really. Yes, it is.

Anyway, here are the scores so far.

We won the drag race, giving
us ten points and them nothing.

We also scored a remarkable one-two
in the double-decker racing,

giving us 30 and them 5.

So the totals so far are 40
to us and a dismal 5 to them.

Coming up now, though, is a challenge to
see which nation is best at synchronised
drifting.

Our new Stig said he'd use the
Aston Vantage for this one,

while Jeremy plumped
for a Jaguar XKR.

TYRES SQUEAL

Look at that!

Side by side in perfect
slithering harmony.

The Aussies could only spectate because
we'd explained to them that due to health
and safety rules,

the judging had to be done
by residents of the UK.

It's Torvill and
Dean, really, here.

Nothing else to say.

'Our routine was going well. '

I think this is
looking very good now.

'But then, thanks to me,
it sort of went wrong. '

Oh, he's gone! That's got
to be points off for that.

The judges, however, who had a much
clearer view of the action, disagreed.

I'm assuming they're still there?

You're kidding!

They are very good.

What are you watching?
Where have you been looking?

Beat that, Bruce!

It was now the Aussies' turn.

So they unpacked their Stig

and then I introduced them to
the cars they would be driving.

What NOW?

What happened to
the Holdens we had?

They ARE Holdens? No, they're not!

They are, nearly!

No, they're not, it's a Vauxhall.

Exactly. Vauxhalls, they are...

like Ferraris.
That's how we think of them.

They are four-door... They're
photocopier salesmen's cars.

Exactly, this is a V6.

This is a 2 litre. Yes, I couldn't get two.
I couldn't get two.

You couldn't get two?
No, but it will be fine.

Now get your Stig out, turn him the
right way up and let's get cracking.

Despite the excellence of the mini cabs we
provided, the Aussies were, really rather
disappointing.

Get up there!

And then they crashed.

It should be...

Oh! You... boxhead!

Whoa, whoa, whoa!

He hit the Stig. The Stig.

Very, very poor. I don't know about
you, but... I'm not impressed.

Same here.

Dismal, to be honest.

You've put 11 up, you idiot!

Hammond!

You gave them 11!

I thought it had a point on it.

I thought it said 1.1!

Does it count now I've voted?

It did. But our guests were still
losing badly. So, to cheer them up,

we decided to cook them
a typical Aussie lunch.

Ready, steady, check it out!

I think we've got enough there.

Hmm!

My grandfather was burnt less
than that when they cremated him.

Did you know that barbecue is an
ancient Aboriginal word for diarrhoea.

Well, it will be after we eat this!

Why do you eat outside?
Honestly, why do you eat outside?

The weather's conducive to it.
Do you have air-conditioning?

Yes, we do. Why don't you
sit in air-conditioning?

Because their houses
are disgusting!

THEY ALL LAUGH

'At this stage our good-natured
bantering was interrupted

'by an alarming update
from the producers. '

We've been accused of cheating.

By who? The Australians.

Their production team. What?!

In the upside-down double-deckerracing
you remember we did... Hmm.

Who won it? We did.

But you were stationary
for an entire lap.

You therefore finished a lap down.

It's ridiculous, we weren't last.

We lapped you. You stayed still
forone entire lap. It's really simple.

You spun and were stationary.

I did not labour long and hard over
cooking that to be told by you...

Just pass them out the food.
This is what a fair man I am.

Have a celebratory sausage
that you didn't come last.

They did, they've let themselves
down, they've let the BBC down,

they've let England down.

Happily, the updated score board

revealed they were
still far behind,

but the next challenge was
right up their street.

Motorised sheep-herding.

OK. Guys, we've got you your bikes
,they are Australian. They're not.

Well, what are they, then?
Austrian.

Austrian, Australian, same thing!

We'll let the sheep out of the pen, you
ride around a bit and then herd them back
in again. OK?

No problem.

You do realise that we're not upset
that these are Austrian dirt bikes?

Why? Well, you made a
mistake, they're terrific.

These are the best bikes. Really?

What? So we've accidentally got
them good bikes. You idiots!

Right, if you're ready,
I shall release...

the sheep! Go on!

They're not scared of me!

Go. Go. Go.

'To be honest, it wouldn't have made a
difference if we'd given them unicycles. '

Come on. Come on. Come on.
They're very good, this lot.

Shane, take them round.

He was popping a wheelie to
scare them off to the right.

See the way he's now

anticipating where
that sheep will go.

On the inside.
OK, get 'em, get 'em.

That's it. Let's get 'em.

I know, they've got
them all together.

Send him that way. Go together.
Come with me. Come with me.

I think when you're Australian,
you're born to do this.

It's instinctive.

Must eat, must breathe in
and out, must herd sheep.

How good are you
at riding off-road?

Me? I've no idea, never tried it.
Right. Have you ever ridden off-road?

Not really. I've never
ridden off-road.

'In less than two minutes the Aussies
had all the sheep back in the pen. '

Hey! Together, together.
You guys get 'em.

Well done. Mate,
they won't beat that!

'This was hardly the
revelation of the century... '

Up the hill, come on. Bloody hell.

'.. given that James and I were
working with Evil Knievil. '

Right, I'm in gear...

Clutch.

ENGINE STOPS

A- a-a-a-argh!

No! No! They're all split.

Up the hill, come on. HORN TOOTS

No! Bloody hell!

Feed in the power like a learner.

ENGINE STOPS Why are
you doing this?!

It's amazing that a bloke can be on a car
show for this many years and have so little
mechanical sympathy.

Help! I think this will work.

Eventually, they'll get so inquisitive,
they'll want to go and see what he's trying
to do.

It's going! It's moving!

It's moving! Where are the sheep?

A- a-a-argh!

Look, you stupid woolly BLEEP.

Maybe the trick is to sneak
up on them and do it quietly.

Right, watch this.
Right, got you, got you, go!

How the hell does it do that?

Look at me, I'm a shepherd!

I'm shepherding! Look at me!
Hammond, look!

No, that's the next one.
They're in the woods.

No. Bad. Bad. Bad thing we've done!

That's what made British Leyland
great, it's that kind of teamwork.

This event had been a disaster.

'The Aussies had been awarded 10 points and
we'd got minus 20 for losing all the sheep.
'

So we were behind on the scoreboard

as we went into the final event.

A race on a World Championship
rally stage through the grounds

of what we had told the Aussies
was a typical British house.

These are the cars we'll be using.

Super 2,000 Protons, four-wheel
drive, 280 horse power.

The Australians will be using this one and
James will be driving... James? Yeah, James.

Why does it have to be James?
It's got to be James.

You did the drag race.
I did the drifting, so it's his turn.

Remember who took on
the Germans, remember?

Oh, JAMES?

James! James!

He'll like it.

Yeah.

'While JAMES was getting ready, the
Aussies arrived to inspect the cars. '

They identical this time?

They are identical, hand on heart.

Who's driving yours?

Steve. You're driving that one and who's
your co-driver? You're the co-driver.

Hammond is the co-driver in this and
James is going to be driving it.

Oh, here he comes now.

There we go. Lovely.
Right, let's get on with this, then.

Hang on. Hang on. Do you think
our eyes are painted on?

You're cheating again. May thebest
man win. James... All aboard.

Because the Aussies were 15.1 points
ahead of us on the scoreboard,

they were allowed a head
start of 15.1 seconds.

Hey! Are you ready?

ENGINES REV This is it...

three, two, one, go!

That a boy. Wahey!

Right, we've got 15
seconds, remember.

Three, two, one, go!

Oh, we're going.

'If we could beat them by even
a second, we'd win the Ashes.

'Unfortunately, they'd saved their
pro racing driver for this event. '

I know this stuff. This is gravel.

'Happily, though,
James was on fire!'

Oh, my God!

I hope I don't wet myself in James's...
Your race suit, your race suit, yeah.

That was all right, wasn't it?
Yeah. Good.

I don't even know how
far ahead they are now.

Oh, my God. Yes!
Look at your little feet going.

May, you're a different
man in this car!

Time for the hand-brake,
are you ready? Righto.

Hey! Not bad. Not bad
for a circuit driver.

I see dust, that's got to be them.

That could be them.

Oh! That's just...
He's getting better!

'James had almost
caught the Aussies

'but then, with just two
miles to go, disaster. '

I know this stuff, this is asphalt.
Yep. Now I'm back in business!

That's quite brisk now!

'Luckily, James preferred
the tarmac surface too. '

Oh, he's in the zone!

Come on, Stevie, keep going!

Not far to go now!

'Even though we were right
on their tail, it didn't look

'like we would be able to pass, but let's
not forget, this was James at the wheel!'

Oh!

Argh!

Oh, my God, Stig...
James, you've gone mad!

What's he doing? Unbelievable!

It really is. He's good.

OK, I can hear 'em.
Yeah. Keep going.

We've got to beat The Stig.

Come on, James,
this is your moment!

Oh...!

Ooh!

Who is that?

That can't be James? Not driving...

Yes! It's the United Kingdom!

Oh, mate!

Yes, stay cool! Yeah!

Bruce! Sorry about that, Bruces.

Can James get out?

He's overcome. He's overcome.

He's actually asleep.

He sleeps it off.
He doesn't look asleep.

Very tired, very tired.

Bruce... Unbelievable.

13,000 miles, pointlessly.

Well, you came second...
which means you lost!

APPLAUSE

Well done, mate!

Well done.

Lovely.

Was it just me or did anyone else see that
funny looking bloke who put his face round
the tree? Yes! No!

That hideously ugly tree troll

that put its ghastly gargoyle face
round the tree and then disappeared?

Can I just stop you for a moment, because
since we filmed that, obviously Australia
has been

blighted with terrible floods, a lot of
people were killed, a lot of people are
missing.

If you're one of the people whose house is
now several miles from where you left it,
we would just

like to say we are thinking of you
and we wish you all the very best.

You're being nice. I know.

On that bombshell,
it's time to end.

Thank you very much for
watching, good night!

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