Top Gear (2002–…): Season 15, Episode 4 - Episode #15.4 - full transcript

Jeremy tests the new Audi R8 V10 Spyder and compares it to the Porsche 911 Turbo Cabriolet. The boys attempt to create their own camper-van (also know as motor homes) by using a car of their choice and turn it into a camper-van complete with sleeping accommodations, cooking facilities and restrooms. Actor Andy Garcia is the Star In A Reasonably Priced Car.


JEREMY CLARKSON:
Tonight, I wear a hat,

Richard wears a hat

and James wears a hat.

[CHEERING AND APPLAUSE]

Hello, everybody.
Hello and welcome.

Welcome.
Thank you so much. Now...

Now, we start
tonight with a letter.

It's from a chap called
Alan "Massive"
Liar and it says,

"Dear Jez, Dick and Jim,
I want a convertible supercar

"but I only have
£113,500 to spend.

"Can you help?"

Well, this is very timely,
actually, because as it
happens, no, we can't.

[AUDIENCE LAUGHS]

CLARKSON: This is the new
Audi R8 V10 Spyder,

which,
in this spec, costs £113,500.

And this is
the new Porsche 911
Turbo convertible,

which,
to all intents and purposes,
costs £113,500.

If it's speed you're after,
the Audi looks
like the better bet

because it is much,
much more powerful.

But because the Porsche
is so much lighter,

they both produce exactly
306 brake
horsepower per tonne.

If they were supermarkets,
you'd do them
for price-fixing.

There's more, too.

They're both German,
they're both four-wheel drive

and they both have hoods
made from cloth
rather than metal.

So, let's see if
they can be split
in a drag race.

Right, some numbers.

I have
a Lamborghini 5.2-litre V10

and I'm up against
Porsche's brand-new 3.8-litre,

twin turbocharged,
direct-injected flat-six.

This should be interesting.

-[ENGINES REVVING]
-Three, two, one!

Go!

And indeed, it is interesting.

Ironman's heavyweight iron car

is losing to
the lightweight one
with the iron lung.

But now let's see what happens
if we swap drivers and do
the race again.

-Go!
-[TYRES SCREECHING]

Oh, no!

Embarrassingly,
this time round,
the Audi was victorious.

The reason that
happened is simple.

Four-wheel-drive
cars like these

are notoriously difficult
to get off the line quickly.

If you do it well,
you're going to win.

If you do it badly,
you're going to lose.

So really,
in short race like that,
it's all down to the driver.

The cars, predictably,
almost exactly the same.

They both do nought-to-60
in around four seconds.

And flat out, they can both
crack 190 miles an hour.

So in a straight line,
there's nothing to
choose between them.

But what about in the corners?

[TYRES SCREECHING]

Well, it's the same story here
because they both
have the same problem.

You see, a normal car
like this is strong,

because the two ends
are connected together

by a roof and a floor.
Two pieces of metal.

Now, if you take the roof
away, you end up with a
big heavy engine here,

connected to the steering

and suspension gubbins there
by just the floor.

It's like having two bricks
joined together
by a playing card.

It's going to be all wobbly.

To get round the problem,

Audi has fitted the Spyder
with lots of
strengthening beams.

Now, that sounds fine,
but it's added 100 kilograms
to the weight.

Porsche, meanwhile, offers
the Turbo with
active engine mounts,

which make the engine
part of the car's backbone.

It sounds intriguing,
but has it worked?

In a word, yes.

This is a million
times better than
the old 911 Turbo convertible.

Mind you,
that isn't saying much,

because other things that are
a million times
nicer than the old car

include tuberculosis.

And being on fire.
Stuff like that.

However, even though it is
a big improvement,

it is heavier than the coupe
and despite everything...

it's still not as rigid.

And just knowing that,
it sort of spoils everything.

So what about the Audi?

The hard-top R8 V10 was one of
the best cars I
drove last year.

And actually, in one important
respect, this is even better.

-That noise...
-[REVVING]

With no roof, you can hear it
even more clearly.

[LAUGHS ECSTATICALLY]

The only sound I can think of
which is better than that

is the sound of
Peter Mandelson
being attacked by bears.

With that noise going on,
it's very hard to
detect the shimmying

and you really don't notice
the extra weight.

Really, it's like driving
a car that has chlamydia.

There are no symptoms
but you know it's there

and that sort of
spoils the relationship a bit.

On the track,
then, both are good,

but you get the sense that
neither is as
good as it could be.

So what about practical stuff,

such as what big speed
convertibles like these can
do if you have big hair?

Now,
ideally to demonstrate this,
we need James May

but sadly, he's busy today,

building a nuclear submarine
out of Lego, probably.

So instead we've got someone
who looks just like him,

except for in
every single detail.

This is Lauren.

She's spent all morning
having her hair done,

and now we're going to see how
it's affected by
a drive in the Audi.

-Was it,
um, an expensive haircut?
-Yeah.

This is probably how
you imagine things will be

if you have
a convertible supercar.

The smell of the scenery,
Groove Armada in the stereo

and a James May
body double by your side.

But the whole point of this
car is speed and that changes
everything.

[SCREAMS]

I don't like it!

140.

LAUREN: Oh, my God!

CLARKSON: In just two minutes,

I've turned Lauren into
a pop star from the 1980s.

The Audi,
then, not a good hairstylist.

[LAUREN SCREAMING]

Sadly, our attempts to see

if the Porsche was any better
ended prematurely.

-My eye!
-Let me...

-No,
no, listen, a bee went in it.
-Let me have a look...

No, the thing in
my nose has a face!

So there we are.

Set off for a weekend away
with your wife in either of
these cars

and you'll arrive blind and
with Bonnie Tyler in the
passenger seat.

Naming a winner, then,
between these two cars

is not that easy because,
frankly,
they both lose.

Bonnie Tyler?
I... I don't get it.

So... I don't understand.

So what you're
saying is they both lose.

They both lose, yeah, because
the R8, the hardtop and the
911 hardtop,

they're like poached halibut.

-Halibut?
-Halibut.

Now, if you put HP Sauce
on delicious
poached halibut, okay,

you're going to ruin it.

If you put HP Sauce on a
bacon sandwich, you're going
to make it better.

You are quite odd.
You know that, don't you?

It makes perfect sense.
It does make sense.

Yeah, I think I sort of know
what you're getting at

because if you
take the roof off
an ordinary car,

like a Peugeot
or a BMW 1
Series or something,

no harm done and if anything,

you make it a bit better
'cause it's a bit of drama.

-Quite.
-But with serious
performance cars...

-Halibut.
-Whatever.

-Yeah.
-It's a different story.

There are good reasons
why there's never been

a Eurofighter
Typhoon Cabriolet.

Precisely.
And having cleared that up,

we must now find
how fast these cars
go round our track

and that, of course, means
handing them over to our
tame racing driver.

Some say that he's spent
all week daydreaming

about what Rubens Barrichello
would look like
in a ham slicer.

[ALL LAUGHING]

And that he's terrified
the BBC will
reveal his salary,

because he's paid in
strong pornography.

[ALL LAUGHING]

All we know is,
he's called The Stig.

CLARKSON: And they're off,

Stig fuelled by
his fanatical hatred
of Rubens Barrichello.

Powering down toward
the first corner,
here they are,

and the Audi looks like
it's getting a bit
out of shape already.

Yes, it is.

[NIGHT FEVER
PLAYING ON STEREO]

Oh, dear.

Stig seems to have developed
an obsession
with the Bee Gees.

Perhaps it's 'cause they share
a love of the white suit.

Around Chicago,
both dipping
a wheel off the track.

Now Hammerhead,
Stig stamping on the brakes,

imagining it's the head of
a Williams driver.

Not Nico Hulkenberg,
obviously.

911s can understeer,
but no sign of
it there at all.

The Audi's in good shape, too.

[MUSIC CONTINUES PLAYING]

I should say
The Stig also dislikes
convertible supercars

because he always tries to
keep his helmet out of
the flies. Awful weather.

I've just realised that
if these two go faster

than their hardtop
equivalents, I'm going to
look like a massive idiot.

They've just got
Gambon to do now.

Both round and there we are,
across the line.

[ALL CHEERING]

-Come on, then.
-So...

-No pressure. No pressure.
-Here we go. Hang on.

The Porsche 911
Turbo convertible

did it in 1.22.2 seconds,
which is there.

-Hang on. Where's the hardtop?
-We've never
tested the hardtop.

-Which is lucky for you.
-Yes.

We have done
a hardtop Audi R8, though.
It's here.

If this is faster than that,

you are going to look, well,
by your own admission,
a massive idiot.

-Yes, I am.
-Go on, then.

-1:21.6...
-Yeah?

-The convertible.
-Yeah?

1:22.3!

-Oh, ho ho! Look at that!
-[CROWD APPLAUDING]

You got away with that
by the skin of your teeth.

Look how similar they are.

Now...

Before we do the news, I'd
just like to conduct a quick
loyalty test.

As I'm sure you know, last
week there was some sort of
football match on

at the same time as us,
so I just wondered,

who watched Top
Gearlast week?
Hands up.

I did. I did.
It was great. Jeremy, you?

I couldn't watch it.

I'll be honest, I found the
bit with the wedding pretty
cringeworthy

but I struggled on...

No, I couldn't watch it
because I was in Johannesburg.

-Watching the final?
-Yes, I...

Oh, great! So the one week
when we wanted to call in a
bit of loyalty

and you decided instead
to go to South Africa

and watch a Dutchman
kick a Spaniard in the heart?

-Yes, I did.
-[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

-But I have brought
one of these back.
-Oh, God!

Oh, great.
Two long noisy things.
That's just what we need.

One long noisy thing.

They don't work.
They don't. Look.

[VUVUZELA HONKS WEAKLY]

What was all
the fuss about, then?

They were terrifyingly loud.

I might have
drunk some tequila
through it,

I admit, after the match,
but it doesn't work.

You try. You won't...
You've got a degree.

If you play a solo,
I'll kick you.

[LIGHT BLOWING]

[ALL LAUGHING]

That wouldn't disturb a
game of chess, let alone a
football match.

[NO SOUND]

It doesn't work.
Why is it orange, anyway?

-I was supporting the Dutch.
-Why were you
supporting the Dutch?

Because the Dutch watch
Top Gearand the Spanish
don't. Simple as that.

And you don't watch
Top Gearin your house,
either, do you, apparently.

-Thanks for that.
-Yes. Can we do the news?

Okay,
a university in Virginia,
which is in America,

has come up with a car, right,
which can be driven by...

-Uh... Dead people?
-No. That's stupid.

-Bats.
-That's really stupid.

No. He's nearly right with
bats. It can be driven by
blind people.

-Really?
-No, no.
I've a photograph of it here.

The inventors say
it's always been
wrongly assumed

-that blind
people can't drive.
-Well, they can't.

Realistically, they...

Blind people can drive,
just mostly into things. Okay?

Now,
this is where this comes in.

It's got kind of lasers and
radar on it and they feed
news of impending disaster

to the driver
via compressed air
and a vibrating vest.

-Vest?
-Vest.

Right. But what happens if you
put your vest on backwards?

'Cause you can't
see the label 'cause,
no offence, but you're blind.

So, and then it will say
left when it means right and
you'll crash.

No, I think it's important
that people do

whatever they can to help
disabled people.
That's important.

-But I just can't
see that working.
-I... I... I don't...

-I'm not sure.
-It's far too complicated.

Why don't they
just take up my idea
and teach dogs to drive?

James, dogs can't drive.

No, thank you, James.
Animal Hospitalnext week,
presented by the idiot.

Thing is, okay, this system
on this buggy was developed
by students.

Volvo, a byword for safety,

has now developed
a similar system
and they recently invited

all the world's
press over to Sweden

to have a look at a system
which basically,
it sees the obstacle,

if it thinks the driver's not
concentrating or
has fallen asleep...

-Or is blind.
-Or is blind,

it will brake for you.
So here's their test, okay?

This was just
a couple of weeks ago.

Now, there was a report out
the other week

about dangerous
roads in Britain.

And there were some
incredible statistics in it.

Half of all the crashes in
Britain happen on 10% of the
roads, okay?

Now, one of
the most dangerous roads
is this one.

It's the A...
something or other,
537 near Macclesfield.

And most of the roads in the
most dangerous category are
bikers' roads.

Oh, here we go.

Have a go at bikers time,
is it? It's been a while.
Go on, then, kick us.

-Let me give you this.
-Yes.

"One in four fatal or serious
accidents on an A
road involves a bike."

Now,
there are only eight bikes
on the road of Britain

and they're involved in
a quarter of all crashes.

Well, it's not...

In terms of miles covered,
they're more
dangerous than puff adders.

If you've got
one of those Suzuki
black busas...

Hayabusa, actually.

-Black busa
sounds like a sex toy.
-I think it probably is, yes.

-Hayabusa.
-Okay.

So you drive that
on average about
10 times a year.

Yes.

Statistically, you will be
killed three times every time
you go out.

Let me give you
another statistic.

"The average age at which
a biker is killed is 35."

-A-ha!
-What?

I'm 47.

[AUDIENCE LAUGHS]

That means you've been living
on borrowed time for 12 years.

No, for 12 years he's been
riding his bike

perfectly
perpendicular to the road.

He does, actually.

Honestly.
He left here the other day,

I've seen faster-moving
icebergs than you.

He got behind a bus
going up to the A3 from here

and he sat behind the bus
the entire way.

"I'm going along." You did.

That's because, Jeremy,

the bus said Guildford on the
front and that's where I
wanted to go.

[ALL LAUGHING]

What's the point?

Can I just say, on the roads
round where I...

Anyone else live
in the Cotswolds round here?

You do?
Have you seen those roads
where it says "Bikers beware"?

What does that mean? Does
that mean I'm supposed to
beware of them?

The point about
"Bikers beware" sign
is it's sign shorthand,

so you can read it at speed.

There's no point
making a sign saying,

"Motorcyclists, have you
considered that there

"may be a cantankerous,
pig-headed, middle-aged man

"with pubes for
hair driving around

"on a stupidly
overpowered Mercedes
that should be a four-seater,

"but hasn't a back seat
and yet costs twice as much?"

The sign would be enormous.

Why doesn't it just say
"Bikers go home"?

-Anyone here a biker?
-AUDIENCE MEMBERS: Yeah!

-Well done.
-Right, so eight. 42 set off.

-You want to talk dangerous?
-What?

-Cigarette, Jeremy? Why not?
-I'll do you a bet.

After the show tonight...
You can all come and watch.

-You get onto
your black busa...
-Hayabusa.

You ride round the track
as fast as you can

and I'll chain-smoke,
we'll see who dies first.

-100 quid.
-You're on.

-Yes.
-A ridiculous bet.

Anyway,
that is the end of the news.
We must move on.

As we know,
caravans are a menace.

We all know that.
And the reason for
this is very simple.

Nobody who tows a caravan
has had any training,

which means
they're a bit frightened,
which means they drive slowly

and that means they clog up
the British
countryside all summer long.

Motorhomes would appear
to be a better option but here

we have a problem because
there are only
really two types.

There is the American RV,

which is extremely cool but
far too large, really,
for European roads.

And then there is the British
alternative,
which is much smaller...

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

It's much easier to drive on
our roads, but it really is
rather tragic.

Yeah, so with that in mind,
our producers
came up with a plan.

They said we each had to build
our own motorhome,
which would be

small enough to work in Europe
but still cool.

The rules were simple.

Whatever we made had to have

sleeping accommodation,
cooking facilities and a bog.

And then they said
once we'd finished them,

we had to meet up
for a series of challenges.

Our meeting point
was Fleet Services on the M3.

And Richard was
the first to arrive.

And there it is.
I am genuinely,
genuinely proud of this.

HAMMOND:
But before I had a chance

to talk you
through my Land Rover,
Jeremy arrived...

What?

...in what appeared to be a
block of flats on top of an
old Citroen.

Whoa!

[LAUGHING]

-Look at it!
-Come on.

HAMMOND: It's enormous!
CLARKSON:
It's absolutely superb.

-Do you ever
watch Grand Designs?
-Yes.

-You do?
Kevin McCloud programme?
-Yes, Kevin McCloud, yeah.

Every single thing they build
looks like this.

The indented windows...
It's modern, it's crisp.

No, he'd love it.

He'd love to ask which cock
stuck that on
top of a Citroen.

You... [SPUTTERS]

CLARKSON: To try and bring
Richard round, I showed him
my interior.

HAMMOND: Wow!
It's three-storey.

Japanese
contemplation area here.

HAMMOND: Very useful.

Upstairs, two hammocks and
full cooking facilities,
with a grill.

HAMMOND: With the tour over,

Kevin McClarkson turned
his attention
to my Land Rover.

This is hideous.

It's stone effect, which is
right with
the whole Land Rover thing.

[LAUGHING] It's hideous.

-Yes. [LAUGHING]
-It's perfect, you see.

-Please tell me
this is not real.
-Yes, it is.

Yes, it is, entirely.
If you need it,
it's there for you.

-You're joking.
-Nope.
If you need it, it's there.

CLARKSON:
All we had to do then
was wait for James.

I have to say,
Land Rover famed
for its reliability...

-No, wait, not reliability.
-No.

-And Citroen, famed for...
-The same problem.

The same problem.
If James turns up in an Alfa,

-we really have
completed the set.
-We'll have the lot.

CLARKSON: But James
didn't turn up in an Alfa,

because he'd
thought of something
even more unreliable.

HAMMOND: Whoa!
It's an old Lotus
with a roof box.

I didn't expect that.

HAMMOND: Wow!

-You haven't got
the idea of it at all.
-No, no, no. This...

I don't like to be immodest
but this is
actually a very good idea.

This is inspired by the work
of the pioneer aviators.

It's extremely light,
it's brilliant.

CLARKSON: Hammond?

It's a roof box
with a sleeping bag in it.

Yeah.

-Where's your bog?
-There.

HAMMOND: Oh!
Where your head is.

-CLARKSON:
And how do you go on that?
-The roof goes up.

-How does it go up?
-It's on telescopic...things.

-It's not a motorhome.
-It is.

It's a motor car
with accommodation on it.

What's this?
Why's it got that?

-Stability.
-Rubbish.

Storage.

That's it? That's... [LAUGHS]

What do you need?
A tin opener and
a vegetable peeler.

HAMMOND: I like that.

There's another one
on the other side
with toiletries.

[LAUGHING]

CLARKSON: James was then keen
to inspect Hammond's.

-This is a Land Rover with...
-The curtains on the outside.

-No, listen...
-I don't understand this.
Look.

There will be opportunity, for
me to demonstrate the way this
works.

I've taken inspiration
from the American motorhomes

that slide out at the sides.

-Have you?
-Yeah.

-So this gets bigger.
-How does it get bigger?

A lot bigger, you'll see.

CLARKSON: At this point,
we were interrupted

by the arrival of a challenge.

Oh, hello.
Hello. Hello. [CLEARS THROAT]

-Here we go.
-This is it.

It says, "You are going
on a camping holiday..."

-Yes! That's a win.
-Where?

-He loves camping.
-Oh, yeah.

-"...in Cornwall."
-Yes!

-That's going to be great.
-It's not.

What's great about Cornwall?

-Cornwall's lovely.
-You'll have
sand in your food,

you'll be
freezing cold if you go
anywhere near the sea.

But the food will be stuff
you'll recognise,

-you'll be able to read the
road signs. -I don't...
Why don't we go to France?

HAMMOND:
Can I finish the challenge?

-Stop being a wimp.
-[CLEARS THROAT]

"You are going on
a camping holiday
in Cornwall.

"This is 215 miles
from where you are now."

It's going to be great fun.
It's a win, win, win.

I'm going camping, my
favourite activity, in my
favourite weather.

It's my best day ever.

[ENGINE STARTS]

HAMMOND:
So, with my heart singing,
it was time to show the world

that a new era in motor-homing
had begun.

We roll.

There we go.

So just to recap, viewers,
what I'm doing now

is going for a nice drive
down to Cornwall in my Lotus.

There is no impression
whatsoever of there being
anything on the roof.

That weighs less than me
and that's the point.

Lightness.
I'm preserving motoring
pleasure for the campervanist.

HAMMOND: Sadly, when
the Land Rover
got up to speed,

I realised there was
a bit of a design flaw.

I modified this
particular example

and cut away the bodywork
to create this.

I have left a slight gap
sort of all round here

and there is quite a draught.

It is quite chilly.

Mind you, compared to
Jeremy's design flaw...

[PANICKED YELLING]

Oh, my God!
No! This is terrifying.

[STAMMERS] It's a... I can't
begin to describe what this
feels like.

It's...
Okay! Wallowing quite badly.

CLARKSON: I asked James
to pull in behind

and assess
the gravity of the situation.
But he wasn't much help.

[GUFFAWING]

[CLARKSON SHOUTING]

And to be honest,
nor was Hammond.

[GASPS]
I've cocked up.
I know I've cocked up.

Uh... Low bridge! [GASPS]

Jeremy, did you make a note
of how tall it actually is?

No, I didn't.

Yes.

He hasn't got a clue.

[CLARKSON SCREAMING]

MAY: As Jeremy screamed
his way onto the A303,

all was well in the Lotus.

I know people have a bit
of a downer on Lotus

and believe that
they're hideously unreliable

but really, there's absolutely
nothing wrong with this car,

apart from a little bit of
electrical
infidelity and the clock.

I mean, it works but only
the minute hand works.

So, I know it's quarter to,
I just don't know what it's
quarter to to.

Okay, now I'm going to operate
the heater controls.

Now, Land Rover heaters are
not their best feature, if
I'm honest.

That's on full.
I can't feel it at all.

CLARKSON: In the leaning tower
of Citroen,

I was starting to relax a bit.

She was very pretty.

She just liked it.

She wouldn't like to go in
Hammond's, 'cause that's
stupid.

[SQUEALS]

[SCREAMING]

[GASPS]

Jeremy, can I just say,
this is
the biggest entertainment

I've had on a road journey
in my whole life.

It's absolutely hilarious.

CLARKSON:
It wasn't hilarious, though.

And since
Hammond's Cottage was
now suffering from subsidence,

we pulled in for some bodging.

-Hammond? We've done 20 miles.
-Yeah? Oh, yeah, I know.

At this rate, we'll have to
stop nine times to rebuild
your shed,

-before we get there.
-No, no, no, no.

CLARKSON:
In a matter of moments,

I'd mended the Citroen's
trellick attachment.

The problem was,
the air was hitting
this massive slab here,

forcing the whole car back
and lifting the front wheels
off the ground,

so I've taken out this window.

The air will now go in there

and then I've
removed the rear door,
so it can come out here.

Twenty. Thirty.

Oh, yeah.
That's just
massively improved it.

[GASPING] Whoo!

No, it's made no difference!

Make it stop!

Right,
we've done about 30 miles.

180-something to go.

HAMMOND: Amazingly,
the convoy did keep going,

until eventually,
we pulled in for a fuel stop.

Okay.
Now, this is a bit of a faff.

[GRUNTING]

-Hammond?
-Yes?

I may have made a mistake.

-Where?
-Well,
I added this escape chute

so that I can go from
my aeroplane fuselage

into the back
seat of the car...

-Yes?
-...which is here.
It's very good.

But I've covered
up the filler flap.

-Oh, my God!
Jeremy, no, no, no! No.
-No, no, no! No.

-What?
-Seriously,
you're going to hit it.

Yeah, that's quite close.

Yeah,
but, unlike your two cars...

Ready?

-[LAUGHS]
-Oh, yes.

Yes!

CLARKSON: Soon,
refuelling was underway.

Here we go. [SIGHS]

-[CLARKSON LAUGHING]
-Go away.

That's an all-new...

I've never seen
a lockable fuel filler
cap where you need to saw in.

It's very secure.

CLARKSON: Refuelling over,
we headed on our way.

And several
perilous miles later...

[SCREAMING]

...we finally
reached Cornwall.

Polzeath.
That's where we're going.

Ooh! I've got all the
excitement you get as a kid
on a family holiday,

winding round little roads.

The odd glimpse of the sea.

Been on the go now
pretty much seven hours.

Could have flown to New York
in that time. But no.

Here,
drizzle, cold, frightened,

and all I have to
look forward to is
camping with a...

a lunatic and a retard.

CLARKSON: But then...

Oh, no!
I've got a warning light.

Guys, I've got a warning light
on the dashboard.
It says, "Stop."

As you'd expect, the happy
campers chose to ignore my
distress signal.

Oh, yeah. That looks
a suitable
holiday destination.

I think so.

Holy moly!

What manner of terrible thing
has happened under my bonnet?

It's actually had diarrhoea,
is what's happened here.

MAY: At the campsite,
I settled down to watch
Hammond's creation take shape.

Yep. Oh, yep.

[HAMMOND GRUNTING]

Ow!

[WHIMPERING]

[SOFTLY] Be brave.

-[GRUNTING]
-Do you want some help?

No. Don't need it, mate.
A one-man job, this.

Having got the block of flats
going again, Jeremy eventually
joined us.

-This is gripping.
-Ah.

-What are you doing?
-Finishing touches.

In Hammond's head,
his build was
coming along nicely.

-But it wasn't.
-No.

And an hour later,
Jeremy and I were bored.

Is there a pub?

There was, so we went to it,
leaving Hammond to
carry on building.

I see this as
a sort of club room.

Darts,
hanging out with your mates.

Oh, yes. There it is.

CLARKSON:
Shall we order
Hammond something?

I'm thinking of
the beer-battered fish,
pea puree, tartare sauce.

"I don't like beer,
I don't like batter
and I don't like fish..."

-He doesn't eat fish.
-I know, he doesn't eat fish.

He might eat a free-range egg.

CLARKSON:
Back at base,
the wind was getting up.

[WIND BLOWING,
HAMMOND MUTTERING]

That bit's slightly too short.

When we got back from the pub,
Hammond was still going.

Is this his motorhome?

-I don't believe it.
-That is outrageous!

Come in, dude, come in.

This is the bed.
Forms a central...

-Yeah, that can happen.
-Sorry, sorry, sorry.

I'll give you
a quick squiz round
if you like.

-Yes, sure.
-This is the library here.

-Thank you.
-So you've got a library.

Library...
This is the dining room.

It goes on. Look at that!

CLARKSON: Bloody Nora!
HAMMOND: In here, this...
[BLEEP]

-Mind that. Yeah.
-Sorry.

CLARKSON: What's in here?
Oh, it's huge.

That's a bedroom.
That's a child's bedroom.

-What's this?
-MAY: This is lovely.

He's got
an ancestral portrait.

Yes, Great Uncle...
Great Uncle Tall there.

Just a minute,
this is Great Uncle Yourself.

-HAMMOND: Yeah.
-Let's have a look.

With the very
lengthy tour over,
it was time to get some sleep.

[WIND HOWLING]

These are my night clothes
that I like to wear.

[GRUNTING] There we go.

Oh.

-CLARKSON: Oh!
-[THUD]

Still, could be worse.

[CLATTERING]

[WIND HOWLING]

Oh, God!

-[AUDIENCE CHEERING]
-Thank you very much.

Thank you.

Okay. Thank you so much.
Thank you. Now...

We'll pick that up later on,

but now it's
time to put a star
in our reasonably priced car.

Now,
my guest tonight is actually
a caravan enthusiast.

But unlike any other
caravan enthusiast,

he also starred
in The Godfather.

And Ocean's Eleven, Twelve
and Thirteenand once he had
his head cut off.

Ladies and gentlemen,
Andy Garcia!

[ALL CHEERING]

[EXCLAIMS]

-How are you?
-I'm all right.

-Major Hollywood.
-Thank you.

Major.

Thank you very much.
I love England.

Well, that's... You see,
you've won their
hearts already.

'Cause I'm always fascinated,
when we do occasionally have

big Hollywood stars
come on the show...

-Please, please, please.
-What it feels like
when you get here?

'Cause I presume
when you go on
American chat shows,

it's all red carpets
and men with
mascara and shiny teeth.

-Like you.
-No.

And you come down here
and it's a kind of
a windswept airfield

and there's a man
with a white helmet on
who won't speak to you.

And then of course
we put you into a car
with a steering wheel

on what you perceive
to be the wrong side

and make you drive round a
track. Was it fun? Did you
enjoy that?

I enjoyed it very much.

I drive stick, but, you know,

-obviously with
a different hand but...
-Yeah, yeah.

I do a lot of
things with both hands,
so I'm pretty used to it.

[ALL LAUGHING]

She's gone bright red, look.

-So has he.
-[LAUGHS]

We've actually got a clip
which I really want
to start off with,

of one of your first attempts
in the practice laps,

which nearly
resulted in the death
of The Stig.

-Would anybody
here like to see that?
-AUDIENCE: Yes!

Okay, let's just
have a look at this
before we get cracking.

Here we come,
up to Gambon corner.

A little wide
and really very wide indeed.

And there is... [LAUGHING]

-I never liked
him from the start.
-You didn't like him.

He is actually deeply...

It's very rude if
someone talks to you
and never shows you his face.

Now, obviously,
the first thing I noticed

is you've arrived
with a face hair.

-That's what I'm going to say.
-It's all my...

It actually peels off.

-Does it really?
-No, it doesn't.

Is this for a movie,
I presume?

Why else would you wear
a thing like this?

Yeah.

Now,
we're sorting out the issue
of motorhomes tonight,

-I think what you'd call RVs.
-Right.

I understand you are
a caravan enthusiast.

-Uh,
I have an Airstream trailer.
-This is the chrome...

The chrome,
silver bullet-looking thing.

In this case, it's a large
one. It's 34 feet, which is
fantastic.

The thing about
an Airstream is
it looks very good,

-but you still have
to crap in a bucket.
-[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

Yeah,
like that piece of [BLEEP]
you provided for me over here.

[ALL LAUGHING]

-There's hot water
in there somewhere.
-No, there isn't.

Now, obviously you have
been in very many big films
over the years.

I mean, we've mentioned some,
The Untouchables,
obviously, Black Rain.

I think not a lot of people
realise this.

Because of The Godfather,
they assume you
must be Italian,

but you were
actually born in Cuba.

I was born in Cuba and I
left two and a half years
after the revolution.

I was five and
a half years old.

And how did you get out?
How did it work?

We were some of the last...

sort of they
call freedom flights

before they shut the country
completely down

and you had to leave
at that point in an inner tube

or, interestingly enough,
there's been cases

where they've turned old cars
into actual floating,
amphibious...

-And they've taken off.
-I don't know where they got

the idea for that from?
I can't imagine.

[LAUGHING] I know you guys
explored that, but it's true.

They have found, you know,
big Buicks or
flatbed trucks floating

across the Florida
Straits with a...

The ingenuity,
though, in Cuba,

to keep those big
old American cars
going is just...

They make brake fluid
out of shampoo and alcohol.

Yeah, and brake
pads out of asbestos.

I saw a documentary,
a car documentary,

and there was a gentleman
mixing asbestos with his hands

and mixing it to create then
the pad for the brakes

and they said,
"You know this can kill you?"

And he said, "Yes, I know.

"But how do I
provide for my family
if I don't do this?"

I mean, what a life, you know.

'Cause imagine
what life would
have been like there

if your parents
hadn't got you out.

I was very lucky.
I was very lucky.

Are you familiar with that
story of the Cuban Grand Prix
in '59?

Yes, it was a kidnapping
of Juan Manuel Fangio,

the famous
Argentinean race car driver,

and he was kidnapped
by the Cuban revolutionaries.

They released him
after the Grand Prix,

and they said,
"Why'd they kidnap you?"
He said, "For publicity."

"Did they treat you badly? "
He goes, "No, they were
perfect gentlemen."

Mmm. It was one of
those amazing stories.

You know,
Juan, he used to put...

Before a race,
you go to a turn
and analyse the turn,

and he'd put like
a big silver dollar,
you know.

Or a Cuban big
peso or something
and then bet people

that in that turn
he was going to run it over.

And he was a great proponent
of the four-wheel drift.

So to hit a silver dollar
while doing
a four-wheel drift...

[LAUGHS]

So do you drive some big old
American Chevy, then,

that you keep
going with shampoo
and things in the States?

No, I have a little Porsche
that I drive, a 4S, 2006 or
something.

-So no Prius?
-No Prius.

Good man. Good...
No, no.
You're very welcome here.

-You see this? No Prius.
-[ALL APPLAUDING]

I'm all for clean
diesel and hybrids
and all that but not a Prius.

Just not a Prius.

Did you not once
have a Peugeot?

It was a Diesel Wagon,
504 Diesel Wagon.

It was a beautiful car.
Couldn't make its way over the
hill in Hollywood,

but it rode beautifully
on the highway in fifth gear.

It just would quiet down
and you'd put like
$20 of diesel in it

and it'd last
for like 14 months.

[ALL LAUGHING]

It had beautiful lines.
That car had beautiful lines.

I miss the car.
If anybody's watching
the show that bought my car,

please, I want to buy it back.

Yeah, okay.
504 Diesel. Anyone got one?

-No, didn't think so.
-[LAUGHS]

Anyway, so competition-wise,

-have you ever done
any track driving?
-No.

-Never?
-Never.

And you've never driven a car
with the gear lever on...

-No.
-So, never.

So this was all an entirely
new thing for you out there.

Who would like
to see Andy's lap?

AUDIENCE: Yes!

Let's have a look, then.
Come on, let's put it up.

There we go,
in the brown Cee-apostrophe-D.

-Are we pleased with that?
-A good start.

Yeah, you were.

You actually
look quite sinister
with that moustache.

Tell me about it.

CLARKSON: Let's have a look
through the first corner.

-That's taming its
understeer nicely.
-[TYRES SCREECHING]

There. That's very good.

Running a bit wide.
Everybody does, though.

Don't forget to brake.

CLARKSON: No, a good idea.
Into Chicago.

Again,
it does run wide, that car.
Very safe, very brown.

Slow. Hammerhead,
a very tricky corner here,

though it's a quick left.

Quick right.
That's very well-done, though.

-That was excellent.
-Thank you, sir.

Oh, a bit slow on
the gear change.

This is my lap, baby.

CLARKSON: Sounds quite...

GARCIA: I didn't know that
Groucho Marx
knew how to drive.

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

CLARKSON: It is... It was
slightly Marxesque. That was
very quick.

-Now you've got
the tricky corner.
-Okay so far...

CLARKSON: This is where most
of our celebrities go off

but that was nicely handled.

Do you get Gambon
right this time?
Let's have a look.

Beautifully cut,
taking the actual
Gambon line, and there we are.

[ALL APPLAUDING]

Well-done.

Well...

Where do you think you've come
on our relatively new board?

You don't know
any of these names,
do you?

I know Angelina Jolie.

-I see Angelina Jolie.
-Angelina?

She didn't look
quite like I thought.

She was kind of
fat and a bit bald.

Might have been a comedian
pretending to be Angelina.

Oh, I see. Okay.

Louie Spence,
you don't know him,
presumably.

No, but I certainly would like
to be at least ahead of him.

No, you don't want to be
in front of him.

-Oh, I see.
-[ALL LAUGHING]

So, Andy Garcia.

You did it in one minute...

46.1.

Which means,
I think, that you are...

[ALL APPLAUDING]

...the third fastest driver
we've ever had.

And that's not bad.

I think for a man who's never
driven on the correct side
of a car before,

that's very, very impressive.

And it's just been a huge
pleasure and an honour to
have you here.

Ladies and gentlemen,
Andy Garcia.

[AUDIENCE CHEERING]

-Thank you so much.
-Thank you.

Now...

Earlier on, we were told
to invent motorhomes

that were cool
and that would
prove so successful

they would rid this country
of the caravan menace forever.

The results so far have been,
well, mixed, but no matter.

We rejoin the action after
spending the night trying to
sleep through

what felt like a force 9 gale.

CLARKSON:
The next morning, mercifully,
the wind had died down.

But it had taken its toll.

-CLARKSON: Oh, dear.
-Yes.

Oh, look.
So it's done the same
in the games room?

Yeah, brought the roof down
onto the pool table.

And the living
room and the cinema.

I promise you, Hammond,
it was worse for me.

How can it be worse for you?
The roof fell
in on my library.

-I promise you it
was worse for me.
-What's worse than that?

Oh, yeah. That's worse.

Morning. Oh, God.

-Is that just
the wind did that?
-Oh, yeah.

No, a big giant came.

MAY:
After a revolting breakfast
in Hammond's citadel,

Jeremy pulled
out all the stops
to get his Citroen righted.

-So we've had cold beans.
-Yep.

I'm sorry I didn't
eat your raw bacon.

At least I remembered them.

That is my Japanese garden.
Look at it. Just leaking.

Still, it's the right way up.

-Oh, hello.
-Oh, God.

Thank you.

"Since you are in Cornwall,
you must try surfing."

I don't want to do surfing.
What if we just
don't want to do it?

What if we just say,
"No, we're not going to"?

We are going...
Apparently we are going to.

MAY: There's more.

"You must drive
to a nearby beach
and get changed into wetsuits

"inside your motorhomes."

Sorry, I'm suddenly
feeling cheered up.

Have you ever tried to put...
What, wetsuits or...
Well, suits.

Have you ever
tried to put them on?

You need...
You see this field?

Now,
you need an area this big,
which you have, but it's here,

so you've got to
parcel all that up
to drive to the...

[LAUGHS]

And you!

HAMMOND: But Clarkson
was laughing too soon,

because I had planned
for such an eventuality.

Simply retract the roof.

Easy.

It's like a spaceship,
you see.

You end up with
this escape pod
that can just break free.

CLARKSON:
Meanwhile, James and I
had arrived at the beach.

Look at this. Surftown, UK.

They're going to look at my
hat and they're going to say,

"Yes, yes, that man
knows what he's doing."

And with no sign of Hammond,
we decided to have
a surfing lesson.

Hang on. So it's a...

-Yeah, yeah, you've got it.
-Is that roughly right?

-It wasn't, though, was it?
-Not really, no.

Eventually,
Hammond's escape pod
was free...

And he was able to join us

for
the "getting into a wetsuit
in a motorhome" test.

CLARKSON: Yes!
I'll get changed
in my contemplation zone.

Lovely job.

Unsurprisingly,
it was much
harder in the Lotus.

-[CLANGS]
-Ow! Ow!

But surprisingly, even harder
in Hammond's land cottage.

I, um, have had to leave
some of
the panels at the campsite.

Well,
all of them, pretty much.

And that, um...

...has sort of
compromised privacy, rather.

They're not going
to go, are they?

So if I maybe...

No. Um...

[CLANGING]

MAY:
I've had a very clever idea,
I think.

I do of course
have my escape chute,

which leads directly
into the back seat of the car.

It's a way of moving
between the car
and the bedding area

without having to go outside
if it's raining, for example.

So when I've got
the bottom half on,

I'm going to exit
and enter the car

and then slip into the top bit
down there where I can sit up.

CLARKSON: Hammond, meanwhile,
had abandoned the Land Rover

and stolen a child's tent.

[HAMMOND GRUNTING]

Okay.

Okay.

MAY: I'm not sure that the
escape chute actually works.

Hang on a minute.

[GROANS]

I've got my shoulders stuck.

CLARKSON:
But just several hours later,
my colleagues were ready.

-It's cold.
-It's really cold.

It's not going
to get any warmer.

Well,
give it a couple of months,
it might.

-Well...
-Come on.

All right, what do we do?

CLARKSON:
Without wishing to boast...

This is quite nice.

...I mastered
surfing very quickly.

Lovely.
That's the easiest
thing I've ever done.

But for some reason, the other
two kept trying to stand up.

[GROANS]

Toes on tail,
hands on the rail...

I am surfing!

They were so engrossed in
this idiocy, they failed to
spot an incoming problem.

CLARKSON:
James, we've got to get out.

-No!
-MAY: I almost got up.

We've nearly got it.

-What?
-The cars.

Oh, [BLEEP] he's right.

James and Richard rushed
to their cars and legged it,

whereas I decided to
get changed where I was.

CLARKSON: Ah! Jesus!

Which went well.

[SCREAMS]

No!

-Yes! Come on, Hasselhoff.
-[ENGINE REVVING]

That wasn't tense.

HAMMOND: Our next challenge
was to cook a three-course
meal in our motorhomes,

using whatever ingredients we
could find at a nearby
petrol station.

CLARKSON: Sit-rep.

Don't like driving my Citroen,
don't like
sleeping in my Citroen,

almost certainly won't like
cooking in it, either.

Plus,
getting to the petrol station
meant taking some back roads.

Whoa!

CLARKSON: [OVER RADIO]
What the hell was that?

Well,
it was a tree, but now...
[CHUCKLES]

Tree?

HAMMOND:
That was a big one, Jeremy.
That was. Oh, no!

[THUDDING]

Having pruned
most of Cornwall,

we finally arrived.

Oh, my God.

-No, no, no.
-[CLANGS]

Now I have crashed into
a petrol station.

-Have you not been
able to get changed?
-Of course I haven't.

You know how difficult it is
to get out of one of these.

-[LAUGHING]
-I had to get out
of it in a coffin.

CLARKSON: In the shop,
James said he'd
do the starter,

Richard the pudding
and me the main course.

But this was the sticks.

-So, do you have any steak?
-Nope.

-Pork?
-Nope.

-Uh, lamb?
-Nope.

Bacon?

No, I'm afraid, sorry.

The washers aren't
part of the meal.

I've just got those
because I like them.

-Do you have any butter?
-Mmm... No.

-Lard?
-Struggling, um, no.

Margarine?

Despite the lack of choice,
we soon had
enough for our dinner.

So, back at the campsite,
we parked up...

and got cooking.

Right, what I'm
going to cook tonight
is Spam slices

coated with a crushed, cheesy,
popular snack item.

So first, using the fork,
we crush up
the cheesy comestibles.

Here is what I
propose for dessert.

I'm going to make Eton mess
crossed with trifle.

I couldn't find any of those
sponge fingers

but then I had
an absolutely brilliant idea.

I'm going to use bread.

Lining the bowl with
the sponge fingers.

Now we put our
ice cream yogurt in,
like that.

Right, the water is boiling

so it's time to
start preparing
the vegetables.

Here they are.

So, thin slices.

About an eighth of an inch,
or about 2.5 mm
in Roman Catholic.

But flavour the flowers
with just a couple
of pickled onions.

HAMMOND:
Chocolate, not a problem.
Any amount of that can go in.

Bit of that.

Ow!
Ow! I need a handle for that.

Now...

The oil. This does worry me,

I must admit,
using Castrol GTX.

But I don't think
I have any choice.

In the meantime,
whilst that just heats up,

we have to consider our garni,
which is an orange jus...

Taken out of the inside of one
of these
chocolate confections,

which is named
after a type of orange
where it isn't a brand name,

but becomes a brand name when
applied to one of these,
unfortunately.

So I can't tell
you what they are,

but you know, of course,
that they're jaffa cakes.

CLARKSON: Now,
I'm monitoring everything
at this point very carefully,

'cause the last time
I tried to cook on a campsite,

um, the caravan caught fire.
You may remember.

And the one next to it.
So I can't be...

[FIRE CRACKING]

Holy cow. What's that?

[GRUNTING] Um...

-Get an extinguisher, man!
-I haven't got one!

-Who's got an extinguisher?
-I've got one there.

Why's there
a safety thing on it?

Who's put a Health & Safety
thing on it?

I've used it all now.

-James, are you not going to
get out? -I can't. It takes
half an hour.

Hammond then found
another extinguisher

but unfortunately,
there was a height issue.

CLARKSON: That's not working.

No, left a bit. Right.
No,
the other way, the other way!

The other way!

This is all
working terribly well.

I think mine is going
to be ready quite soon,

but we're not going to have
anywhere to eat it

because I believe the plan
was to eat in
Hammond's dining room,

which has just burned down.

CLARKSON: Ooh, not good.

He's actually
set fire to metal.
How has he done that?

We decided to
abandon the cooking

and cracked open
a liquid supper instead.

CLARKSON: That's the first
time we've seen the sun,
gentlemen, since we...

HAMMOND: Well, that makes it
worthwhile, doesn't it?

MAY: That's not bad.

-Listen.
-[EMBERS CRACKLING]

All you can hear is just
the creaking of the embers

-in his burning motorhome.
-Yeah, just my fire.

[SHEEP BLEATING]

[CLATTERING]

Just get out! And you!

Out! Out!

[HAMMOND SIGHS]

Oh, God, look at it.

And on that note...

All right?

CLARKSON: After James had
failed to wipe his bottom
with any dignity,

we decided to go to
a nearby beauty spot.

-CLARKSON: James May.
-Jeremy Clarkson.

What's it like, driving around
under a bucket of
your own faeces?

Are you going to fall over
today for our entertainment?

[CHUCKLING]

[CLARKSON SCREAMING]

As we drove along,
we began to realise

that our motorhoming holiday
hadn't been a great success.

I'm exhausted.
I'm also pretty cold now.

I don't think I'm
going to make it.

Just leave me behind,
I'll only slow you up.

I don't know why I said that.
They will.

I'm covered in egg and
crisps and Spam juice.

I haven't shaved,
I haven't had
a proper wash for three days.

The thing about
this exercise is

that it helps you to
appreciate the basic amenities
of home life.

You know, a tap, a chair.

What's more,
the speed of
Jeremy's motorhome

meant that
everyone else's holiday
was ruined, too.

CLARKSON: That's a big queue.
I'm embarrassed.

HAMMOND:
That's a really long queue.

I don't think we've sped up
caravanning, have we?

[LAUGHING]

Eventually, we made it
to the beauty spot.

-Oh, yeah!
-Now, that is a view.

HAMMOND:
This is more like it, yeah.

MAY: I think it's fabulous.
HAMMOND:
Yeah, this is all right.

Right now I'm quite enjoying
motor caravanning.

Yeah, I'm enjoying it.

It's the first time since we
set off that motorhoming is
making sense.

-Guys.
-MAY: What?

-There's a pub down there.
-Yes, very nice.

I'm going to the pub.
I'm going for an ice cream.

-Will you bring one back?
-I would really like...

I've been
thinking about ice cream
for three days.

I'll bring you
back an ice cream...

-Would you?
-All right.

And then everyone will go,
"They really do
get on, those three."

Yeah, okay.

HAMMOND:
While Jeremy was gone,
I'm afraid we hatched a plan.

See where it drops away

-at the edge of the cliff?
-Mmm-hmm.

If we pushed his car there
and just park it on the edge,

he won't be able
to go forwards,
obviously.

-No,
I know what you're thinking.
-He'll never back it up.

-That's brilliant.
-Go on, stick it down there.

'Cause he'll see it from the
bottom and he'll see the tower
on the edge.

-[CHUCKLES]
-He's taken the...

Well,
push it, push it, push it.

That's good.

Mmm-mmm. That's very good.

Handbrake's off.

-Just get it
right to the edge.
-Yeah, yeah.

-I reckon if we...
-Oh, hang on. Oh [BLEEP].

In weather like this,
among scenery like that,

holidaying in England,

even in a motorhome,
does make sense.

[RUMBLING]

Is that all right?

What?

What's that?

[AUDIENCE APPLAUDING]

-What was that?
-You ruined it.

You ruined my
Citroen Grand Design
and you ruined it on purpose.

It was his idea.

It wasn't!
We saw in the film,
you did it.

You pushed it off the cliff

'cause you knew it was best
and you're a sore loser.

Jeremy,
it wasn't the best, mate.

It had a top speed of two
and it fell over.

You couldn't even
wipe your bottom in yours.

Yeah, exactly.

You could wipe
thousands of bottoms in mine,

which is why it was the best.

Wiping your bottom
is not the only criterion

for judging
a successful motorhome.

Whatever. Point is mine was
brilliant and you know it.

-It wasn't. Exactly.
-It wasn't, actually.

In fact,
we really haven't reinvented
the motorhome at all, have we?

No, I'm afraid we haven't.

And once again, and as usual,
we've completely
wasted your evening.

-Sorry.
-Yes.

And as a result of
our wretched failure,

Britain will continue to be
strangled by the glass-fibre
menace of the caravan,

until we all suffocate and die
pointless and
agonising deaths.

Nice to have a plan,
that's the main thing.

And on that bombshell,
it's time to end.

Thank you very
much for watching.
Good night!