Top Gear (2002–…): Season 15, Episode 3 - Episode #15.3 - full transcript

Tonight, Richard
drives a muscle car,

I wear some unusual trousers

and there's a wizard in
our reasonably priced car.

APPLAUSE

Hello, thank you so much.
Thank you, everybody.

Thank you.

Now, in the past, if you
were a successful businessman

and you wanted a large
four-door saloon car,

you had a choice of
Mercedes-Benz, BMW or Audi.

Now, though, you could have an Aston
Martin or a Maserati or a Porsche.

And that should, at least,



make the world's financial
districts sound a lot better.

These are the cars in question and
it's our job to decide which is best...

The 4.7 litre Maserati
Quattroporte GTS,

the six-litre Aston Martin Rapide

or the extremely ugly
Porsche Panamera Turbo.

This isn't just hideous
compared to the other two -

it's hideous compared to a...
genital wart.

By contrast, looks is where the
Aston gets off to a flying start,

cos it doesn't really
look like a saloon at all.

More like a DB9 that's...
taken a bit of Viagra.

In fact, you have to stare at it for
a while before you can see it's got

four doors at all.

The Quattroporte has now
been with us for six years

but if anything, over that time, I
think it's got even better looking.



Ooh, it has. You're not joking.

When this first came out, I thought
it looked like a Vauxhall Cresta.

Yes, you did. But now, it's just
spectacularly well balanced.

It's just cool, though,
as well, isn't it?

When you see someone getting
out of these, passers by go...

It is like a Mafia hit man.

I like these. Oh, those are...
They work for me.

When you sum up the looks of these,

you've got the ballet dancer, the
hit man and someone who's been...

Found at the bottom of a
lake after two weeks. Yes.

And this is the man who
threw him in there.

Having examined the
outside of the cars,

we thought we'd take
a look at the inside,

where there were some issues.

In the Aston Martin, you need fingers like
cocktail sticks to operate any of the
buttons.

And in the Porsche, you need to be a
rocket scientist to understand anything.

But worst of all is
the Quattroporte.

This is always going to be a bit of a
problem for a small car maker because...

Well, Mercedes-Benz, they've probably
got 1,000 people employed just to decide

where the buttons go on the
satnav, but with the Maserati,

you get the feeling a man
turns up on Tuesday and goes,

"Here is OK."

That's why it's blindingly difficult to
operate everything in here, as we shall now
demonstrate.

Chaps, give me a straightforward task.
I'll give you a task.

Adjust the clock. OK.

While James is doing that, Hammond and I
have noticed that we've got these straps
here.

These are fitted for you
to be handcuffed to.

"Don't take me to the warehouse.
I can't find the money!

"Please!" "Just tell me
where my children are. "

Ah, ah, ah! "Set time and date.
" Go on, then. Right, right.

Manual? Semi-automatic?

Oh, these are the weapons.

THEY CHUCKLE

I'm quite good at this sort
of thing but that's rubbish.

At this point, we decided to take
a typical businessman's drive

from here in central London to
a business park in Hampshire.

I wanted to drive the Maserati.

Toodle-oo.

Well, I'm not driving the
Porsche. I'm just not.

'Unfortunately, while I was telling
Jeremy I wouldn't drive the Porsche...

'.. James drove off in the Aston. '

Oh God. Why did I have
to get stuck with this?

I grabbed the Aston,
expecting perfection.

But I didn't quite find it.

You pay 91,000 for the Maserati,

97,000 for the Porsche

and then 140,000 for this.

But I'm not exactly sure why.

For that sort of money, this thing
has to be absolutely brilliant

but I'm not entirely
convinced it is.

It's a bit jiggly.

I know it's a sort of supercar,

but it's supposed to be luxurious
and comfortable as well.

When it comes to criticism, though, you
should have heard Mr Grumble-Trousers.

It's sort of massive
for one thing -

I'm scared I might
knock over a building.

Oh God.

It's got a stop-start,

so the engine stops when you stop and
starts when you hit the pedal to move away.

What's...? To save petrol.

In a 4.7 litre V8 turbo.

That's like buying Buckingham Palace, then
living in the kitchen to save wearing the
carpets out.

Then there's the pricing.

Yes, at L97,000, this does look like
good value against the Aston Martin.

Then you discover you have to pay extra
for things like the rear windscreen wiper.

Don't be tight. 97 grand - chuck
in a windscreen wiper, eh?

Hammond. Yep?I don't
like looking at your car.

It's the only thing that brightens my day
knowing you have got to look at it and I
haven't.

No, there's its reflection!
God, it's hideous.

Up ahead, there was a chance for
the Porsche to redeem itself.

Ooh, hello. Tunnel.

There it is. Sport.

No noise at all.

On a 4.7 litre V8, and...

I can't hear anything.

'The Aston put on a better show. '

Not bad.

'But then came the Maserati. '

What I'm going to do now
is push the sport button.

ENGINE REVS LOUDLY

Oh, my God! Whoo-hoo-hoo!

What this button does is it
turns carbon dioxide into noise.

'However, like the other
two, I had complaints. '

The sports noise - that's good.

The trouble is they've also fitted it with
sports suspension and that's not good.

If you can afford L100,000
to spend on a car,

chances are you're a bit old, and old
people don't want to drive along like this.

That's not comfy.

'And there was more. '

I honestly thought James was
being stupid, but he isn't.

I can't fathom anything out.

There are buttons I've just found
on the back of the steering wheel -

six of them. No idea what they do.

'On the uneventful one-hour
cruise to the business park... '

HE SNIGGERS Do I care that I don't
knowwhat the buttons do? No.

'.. I worked out a way to describe

'the unhinged but
bewitching Quattroporte. '

Owning this car is like
owning a two-year-old child.

It's really annoying for a lot of the time
but if someone tried to take it away from
you...

You'd kill them. You'd kill!

'Then, since the park was closed, we
decided to turn it into a race track.

'And in the Maserati, Hammond
quickly got what I was on about. '

Oh, my word!

This is a four-door saloon car but
it sounds utterly magnificent.

It's just got so much style.

I don't care what the flaws are -

I don't care if it picks its nose and
farts in bed - I love this thing.

It's got such a sense of fun about it.
That is the whole point.

Even if you're trying
to keep that lid down.

'Mind you, the Aston
wasn't bad either. '

Do you know what this is?
I'll tell you exactly what this is.

It is exciting.

There's a subtle, refined
rage to this car.

It is not as sharp as a
Vantage or DB9 or DBS,

but as a four-door saloon
car, it's spectacular.

'Here on the business park raceway,

'even the four-wheel drive Elephant
Man is making a case for itself. '

God above! This thing's great.

It feels big, but whoo!

Staggering.

I'm just amazed by this car.

Dynamically, it is as fabulous
as it is gopping to look at.

'Frankly, we could have fooled
about all day in these cars,

'but we decided to induce a bit
of science by laying out a course

'and then summoning the
head of accounts. '

Is he ready? Yes, believe so.
Of course he is - he's the Stig.

Three, two, one, go.

They sold 1,000... Ssh!

What were you going to say?

I was going to say that they sold 1,000
of those Maseratis over a five-year period

but over the save same five years,they sold
nearly 15,000 MercedesS Classes. He's
coming back!

You know the Ferrari F438?

What?!

He got a bit squirrely there.

I've had a crisis!

35.8.

'With the Maserati's
time on the board... '

'.. the Stig lined up the Aston. '

Three, two, one, and go.

I'm very angry!

But why is it so expensive?
Why is it 140 grand?

I think they're charging
140,000 cos they can. Yeah.

Ooh! He is brave. Isn't he brave?

OK, the Aston Martin Rapide.

There's your Maserati, 35.81.

Rapide...

35.25. Ooh!

So 50 grand and you go

0.6 of a second faster round
Farnborough business park.

It is an important pieceof consumer advice.
I'd spend an extra 50 grand for that.

Right. It's time now...

for the Porsche.

Three, two, one, go.

Has it gone?

You two haven't given it the
full beans yet, have you?

No. It's absolutely astonishing.

I have to say, I like the
look ofit now. You can't...

No, it's behind that building.

It's back! I've got to look.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Right.

The Porsche did it in...

35.1, which is only a
tenth of a second faster,

but nevertheless, that thing, I
think, is astonishingly fast.

It is. That's all very well, but which would
you rather walk out to in the morning?

The Maserati or the Aston that'll
make your trousers go all hot,

or the Porsche - they do! - which makes a
bit of sick come into your mouth when you
see it.

Which would you rather have?
That's the thing.

HE BLOWS A RASPBERRY

Nobody's watching.

Nobody is actually
in there, are they?

You've all come along and you...

The World Cup is on BBC One and ITV.
How many people do you think are watching?

We could just talk in a high-pitched squeak.
Eek, eek! It's just us.

Why don't you get naked?
Go on. LAUGHTER

Anyway, I have a theoryabout
those cars. Oh, God! Joy

It's one of my better
theories, this is.

If I were a businessman and I
were invited to go and do business

on a business park in
Hampshire, I'd use Skype.

Not go, yeah. I wouldn't go,

but if I had an Aston, a
Maserati or even the Porsche,

I would drive down there becausethey make...
Your day more special?

They make driving more special.
For that reason alone,

I like them more than the
established BMs and Mercs and Audis.

We haven't finished with them yet
there'll be more testing later,

sort of, but for now it's
the news. Yes, it is,

and talking about the
Porsche Panamera,

you would think, would you not, that it's
impossible to make that car any uglier. Yes.

The ugliest thing in the world.
Well, it is.

There's a Swiss company called
Mansory and here is their creation.

It actually is uglier, isn't it?

I'm going to be sick.

That is... How much is it?

L133,000, they want
for that monstrosity!

I like the interior best of all.
Have a look.

It's like the set of a
children's television programme.

All it needs is a
ball pit down here,

and then they've pretty
much got it finished.

Anyone go to the Goodwood Festival
of Speed last weekend? Several.

I wasn't able to make it, but I'm told
they had a moving motor show there.

The idea was, unlike a normal motor
show, where the cars just sit still,

you can jump in and have a go,

which sounds like a great idea, unless
you're one of the four people who were run
over.

LAUGHTER

Seriously! I've got a picture here.
Somebody got in a Honda Civic.

Is there any danger that these Goodwood
people might take over the Farnborough Air
Show?

"Next seven for a go in
the Red Arrows. Come on. "

"Welcome to the Goodwood interactive zoo.
Now, who wants to do lion taming?" It
doesn't work.

The Goodwood Festival
of Live Ammunition.

"Are there actual bullets in these guns?
Is there a range?!"

"No, just help yourself.
That's fantastic!"

LAUGHTER

Couple of weeks ago, you may remember
we announced that Ferrari had broken

the lap record at the Nurburgring. They did
it in six minutes and 58 seconds. Great!

But already, Pagani have broken
that with this, the Zonda R,

and they've gone round
it in six minutes and 40.

We've got some footage of them
doing it here. Here we go.

Obviously, it's just
very, very fast.

Wait a minute. Is this a road car?Well, yes.
I mean, you can drive it on the road.

Well, the real point is this isa record...
Well, it's not a shopping car, obviously.

I see. So this road car with firecoming
out of the back... Well done, them.

Now, I'm going to tell you
something very important.

The European Union, which
is a big thing in Belgium...

LAUGHTER

It is! They've decided
that all car makers

must reach an average target
for their whole range of car.

So here's how it works, OK?
If BMW sell a V12 limousine,

they must then sell lots of
little Diesel 1 Series cars

to keep the average
of the CO2 down.

It's averaged across
the range of cars?

Now, Bugatti, it's not so bad,

because Bugatti's
owned by Volkswagen,

and Volkswagen also makes
the Polo, so that's fine.

But Aston Martin -
bit of a problem,

cos Aston Martin isn't owned
by VW or Ford, it's on its own.

And they only make big cars. Onlybig,
thirsty cars. They've got toget that
average down,

so they've had to make a small car, OK? And
we have a picture of it here. It's called
the Cygnet.

AUDIENCE GROAN This is
potentially disastrous,

because it risks ruining
their reputation.

What that is is a Toyota
iQ with a leather gear knob

and then Toyota crossed out and
Aston Martin written in in crayon.

That's what that is. Hang on a minute. If
they just need to bring their average CO2
down,

why don't they just
buy a bicycle factory?

Or they should do
Aston Martin flowers,

cos they suck in CO2 and put out oxygen,
and that would bring it crashing down!

I think it has to be a mode of transport -
you can't go to work on some flowers. A
horse?

Scissors. Have you ever tried
sitting on a pair of scissors?

LAUGHTER Not yet.

A cow. Ostriches.
They're quite exotic.

Another one I've just thought of isZonda.
What are Zonda going to do?Oh, that'll be
easy.

Well, they're Italian, aren't they?

They'll just lie -
that's what they'll do.

"Emissions is very important! Is it low
or high? Low? OK. My emissions is one!"

And that's it. They'll just lie.

Well, why don't
Aston Martin just...

Why not take a leaf out of
the European book and say,

"Yes, our cars don't really
produce carbon dioxide at all. "

If you say... The EU go and inspect a
Spanish fishing boat and go, "Have you been
fishing?"

"No. " "What's all that in
your boat?" "My lunch. "

"It's a lot of fish. Hungry!"

This is the answer. Don't make
that, Aston Martin. Just lie.

Anyway, I tell you what, you know
the American stunt driver Ken Block?

Yes. You know who I mean.
Excellent.

You went to see him in California.

Yes, I did.

Some footage here of Ken terrifying
the bejesus out of James, look.

So he dropped in on us last week,

and he called me a pussy for not
being able to drive a Reliant Robin.

You are.

You are a pussy. A big, irritating one.
You say that, but last week,

the Stig tried to drive the Reliant Robin.
He also rolled over.

Yeah. Yes, so are you stayingthe Stig's
a pussy? No. No. There you are, you see.

Well, let's have a look because Kenhad a go.
He looks good, doesn't he?

He won't be able to do it. He will. I'm
telling you, he will not be able to do it.

He has perfect car control.

He won't be able to do it.
And here he is.

The first corner, nice and smooth.
He's keeping the line wide,

using all the track.
It's a lovely...

That's not gone well, has it?
My case rests.

You can't drive one of those
things round a corner!

Right.

Now, it is time to put a Formula 1
star in our old, reasonably priced car.

My guest tonight is a Brazilian.

Not the triangular
topiary thing, obviously.

It is a genuine Brazilian.
Ladies and gentlemen, Rubens Barrichello!

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Rubens!

How're you? Nice to see you.

Rubens is among us. Thank you.

Have a seat.

Have a seat!

I've got a question, if I may.

Why has your country
given its name to...

How can I put this?

.. triangular topiary?

LAUGHTER

I think it's a term
used in England,

because in Brazil we
call it "Hitlers".

A what?LAUGHTER

It's a little...

You're saying you'd have a Hitler?
A Hitler there.

Has anybody here got a Brazilian?

You have, sir? Er... LAUGHTER

HE MUTTERS Anyway...

Obviously, it was Silverstone this
afternoon. Well done for winning.

Thank you!

Nasty crash. Yeah. LAUGHTER

Should've covered it there.
I should explain it is now Wednesday,

and we have no idea...

I'm just thinking - that will be...
How many races is it

you will have done
by this evening, now?

297. 297.

Is that a record now? Have you set
the record for the most Grands Prix?

Yeah. When I raced
for the first time,

I never thought I would
race for such a long period,

but I'm enjoying
more than I used to.

Cos you must now
be, what, 78? Yeah!

Anyway, you're now driving for
one of the great teams, Williams.

Well, I tell you, it's...

Since a very young kid,
when I was driving go-karts,

I have interviews
when people ask me,

"Which team would you like to drive?
", and it was for Williams.

Why was that?I don't know. I just
hada great passion for Frank Williams,

and you can see it nowadays -

he is so passionate
about everything,

and I'm trying to lead the
team to a different area.

They are changing, and I think
the future is quite bright.

So, um, Ferrari - just
to go there, obviously.

You had that period where you were
there with His Schumacherness.

You must have known
when you got there

that you were going to be,
effectively, the whipping boy.

I did not. Really? You didn't...

That's the funny bit,
because people say,

"Shut up, Rubens. You knew you were
going to play second in the team. "

And when I signed,
I made sure to ask,

"Is it everything to him or
am I going to have a chance?"

And in my contract it was zero.
There was no mentioning

of becoming a second driver there.

So you were very surprised... It was
Austria, where you were winning, he was
behind you,

and then the call came through... "Would
you mind awfully getting out of his way?"

Was that a big surprise?
It was almost like that.

People ask me, "Why did
he do on the last corner?"

Because in my mind, I was
never going to do it.

It was eight laps. You know, it was
almost like the lawyer was sitting here

and people, you know,there was a
discussion going on. Back at the pit?

Yeah. And I could only say,"No, I'm not
going to do it. "Did you actually say that?

I said, "I'm not going to do
it," until the very final bit

when they were a bit more focused
on saying something that I...

Did they say, "We've got one of your
pets here. NOW will you move over

"and let him go by?
"It was almost like that, yeah.

Anyway, of course,
you came down here

because we have our Formula
1 board here, yes? Yes.

And you wanted to see where you'd
come in our old reasonably-priced car,

the old Liana, which has been
gathering dust somewhere.

Was it fun? It was fun.

Really? Yeah, it was.

Cos you think, you
know, I drive this car

with so much power and everything,
but it's a different challenge.

I mean, when you step on the
brakes, that back end, you know...

So smoothness is what...
Keep it quite smooth.

Well, I think the time has come.
I hope it was a good one.

Well, shall we find out?
Who wants to see the lap?

Yes! OK, let's play the tape.

It's nice to see the old girl back.

Now, concentrate. Remember that
I drive normally on that side.

Well, that's your fault for driving
on the wrong side of the road.

That's the Stig's
line through there.

All the other F1 drivers
come way further out.

Well, he talked me into that.
I thought it was...

You see? "Come on, horse. "

It's not a horse, but there we are.

What can I say? I'm not going to say,
"Oh, that's not very good," am I?

Very good down to the Hammerhead.
This is a difficult part.

It is. It normally makes the car
understeer there, but you've got it.

How come you can do that and
all our guests just can't?

RUBENS CHUCKLES I suppose that's cos
they're mostlyactors or comedians.

Wave to the camera?

HE GROANS

The gear! The gear just went "grr".

Well, it must be strange for you
to actually have to change...

When was the last
time you changed gear?

You know what, I started Formula 1
and it was already the automatic.

Yeah. And I bet your road car has...
What's your road car?

My road... I have a...

An M5.

Flappy pedal. So you
haven't changed gear for...

Ooh! Look at that.
Lovely through the second to last.

And here we are now.
What's the time? Give me the time!

APPLAUSE There we are
crossed the line.

So we've got the Stig at 1:44.4.

Mansell 1:44.6,

and then Lewis did that
with a wet lap at 1:44.7,

which was fairly remarkable.
Impressive. Then Mark.

He flew around, actually.
Just decided not to bother.

So where do you reckon?

I don't know. My heart
is beating more than

at the start of the
Silverstone GP, I tell you.

This is obviously a
more popular show.

I have the time here. OK.

Rubens Barichello...

You did it in...

One minute...

Well, that's really...

.. forty... I'm on the page, then.
You're on the page!

.. four... AUDIENCE: Ooh!

.. point... Point?

.. three!CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

44.3! Wow!

The fastest man ever
to go round our track!

Fantastic!

Unbelievable.

Wow! That is fantastic.

I am so proud.

It's fantastic and
it's also staggering

that you should have beaten him.

We need to get you out of this
building in some careful way now.

Yeah. I can't imagine he's going
to be very pleased about this.

Especially cos if we get into a
fight, he never takes his helmet off!

There you go. You've finally
won something today.

LAUGHTER

You'll take a piece of that.
It was good 11 wins.

There we are. That is a
truly staggering thing.

I will ask for more
money from Frank now.

You can now say, "I am the fastest
Formula 1 driver in the world,

"and more than that, I'm
faster than the Stig. "

Fantastic. Ladies and
gentlemen, Rubens Barrichello.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Now...

There are a couple of
new muscle cars out

that we thought were
worth a look at.

And clearly the right man for
the job is someone who has owned

a Dodge Charger and a
Ford Mustang and a banjo.

Yep, it's our resident
redneck, the Duke of Hammond.

This is the first of
today's offerings.

A muscle car icon, reborn.

The Chevrolet Camaro.

Jeremy has a theory
about the Camaro.

He believes that all Camaros
are driven by murderers,

and you should never accept a lift in
one cos your head'll end up swinging

in the rear-view mirror
as an air freshener.

The thing is, there's a bit
more to this Camaro than that.

Now if you're under 12, then to you, this
car is Bumblebee from the Transformers
movies.

In a minute, it's going to stand up
and throw an oil tanker at my face.

But back in the '60s, its grandfather
was fighting the Cold War.

Not the big scary one with the
Russians, but the Detroit Cold War.

In 1964, Ford had launched the most
famous muscle car of all, the Mustang.

And two years later,
GM struck back.

Camaro! Fiery new
creation from Chevrolet!

It was one hell of a battle.

And the Camaro...

Well, it lost, actually.

Quite badly.

In its first full year, Ford sold
over half a million Mustangs.

In its first full
year with the Camaro,

GM didn't manage even half of that.

The other muscle cars - Mustangs, Chargers -
they went on to starring roles in Bullitt.

The Camaro did once have quite a
nice role in an episode of Lovejoy.

But this new boy is
coming back fighting.

This is the SS version - the most
powerful - with a 6.2 litre V8.

And at L40,000, it is a
lot of car for the money.

It also looks good

and unlike other muscle cars,

the suspension isn't made
from lampposts and logs.

Because underneath the Camaro

is the chassis from one our very
favouritest saloon cars, the Vauxhall VXR8.

It's made by the Australians.

Which means there's a lot of
multi-link cleverness going on.

So basically, the Americans had to go to the
Australians for a bit of sophistication.

That feels more like it!

A good effort all round
and on any other day,

the Camaro could claim to be
the muscle car of the moment.

However, it must now face this -

a muscle car, not from America...

.. the very German
Mercedes E63 AMG.

Listen to that!

ENGINE ROARS

It might look like a
businessman's express,

but when it comes to noise, the Benz
it blows the Camaro out of the water.

This thing sounds like Lynyrd
Skynyrd at a bullfight.

And when you take it
beyond 5,000rpm...

Ah-ha!

Although the Mercedes, like the
Camaro, has a 6.2 litre V8,

it's faster and more powerful.

0-60, 4.5 seconds.

Top speed, normally
limited to 155mph.

Or for L2,230, you can have
the limit raised to 186...

Ha-ha-ha-ha!

.. almost 40 more than
the Camaro will do.

There are, however, a couple
of chinks in the AMG's armour.

Where the Camaro costs
L40,000, this is 72,000.

A muscle car should also be a
car for simpletons, like me,

but there are more gizmos in
here than Bill Gates's kitchen.

The gearbox, for example, can be
operated from here or down here,

and then this dial splits it
into four different modes -

comfort, sport, sport
plus and so on.

This button adjusts the traction
control, lots of settings there.

This button is for the ride,
lots of different settings.

And that's a lot to think about if you're
the kind of person who goes to work in a
vest.

Thankfully, help is at hand.

It's this the fourth button
here, the AMG button.

Essentially, it takes all the other
settings from all the other buttons and
puts them in a thing,

and then when you hit this button, it
sets the car up exactly as you want it.

I like mine like this.

With the button in what
I call redneck setting,

the AMG can outslide, outturn and
outrun any muscle car on the planet.

I'm in a massive German
executive saloon.

Going sideways!

The Mercedes may be almost twice
the price of the Camaro...

.. but, the fact is,
it's twice the car.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

The thing is...

The thing is I just...

I just love muscle cars as a breed, because
I love the idea you take an ordinary, basic
car

and then you keep adding more and more and
more and more and more power until it's
just about unusable,

and then you put it on
sale and people buy it.

And you'd have the Mercedes? Nope.

I know I said the
Merc is twice the car.

I'd have the Camaro, it's just got
much more soul. It's a stupid car!

It's a brilliant car...

OK, things you'll never
hear as somebody gets in.

"I'd just like to thank the Nobel
Academy and now I'm going home. "

Or how about this one?
"No, really, let me, Your Majesty. "

There's nobody intelligent...

"Bishop Tutu, can I have a go?
Thank you, I will. "

It is a car for a type of person, I love it!
It's a stupid, childish...

I'll tell you what, though,
no, one interesting thing.

When this thing goes on sale next year in
Britain, it will make the job of the police
much easier.

Let's pull these over and go, "Open
the boot... whose head's this?"

But nevertheless, we must find out how
fast these cars go round our track,

and that of course means handing
them over to our tame racing driver.

Some say that if you hold
him in the wrong way,

he doesn't work properly.

And that, just very recently, he developed
an irrational hatred of Rubens Barrichello.

All we know is he's
called the Stig.

And they're off,

and what a racket, the E63
drowning out the Chevy.

You can, of course, get the
fantastic AMG V8 in many Mercs,

and, personally, I wouldn't
have it in this one.

It's just too ugly - and, in
this, case slightly brown.

Round the first corner...

There we are, vuvuzelas
on all three channels now.

Stig hopefully will get
bored in the next week.

The Camaro does have a
certain distinctive presence,

which is peace of mind
for the murder squad.

Up to the Hammerhead, both
getting a little bit sideways,

but only the Camaro fills the Stig

with a sudden urge to
murder his postman.

Actually, he did that in 2004.

Follow-through and now, both...
Yep, going through there nicely.

And yep, kicking up
dust through the tyres.

Two corners remain,
let's have a look.

Oh, the Camaro getting
it very crossed up.

The Merc is running away
now, just Gambon left,

and they are now through
that and across the line.

Right, now... I've got the times.

Yes.

These are the times.

So the Mercedes did it in
1:24.9, which puts it there.

That's unbelievable, that's the
same as that Supersports Bentley.

It is, yes, and the
Camaro did it in...

1:27.9, which is just...
keep going down, it's down there.

So it's even slower than the pick-up
truck of the car on which it's based?

Yeah, yeah, it is that, yeah,
but I'd still have this.

It was probably weighed down by
all the body parts in the boot.

Anyway, it's now time to put another
star in our reasonably priced car,

though of course this
time the brand-new one.

Now, my guest tonight played
a character in Harry Potter

who, in olden times, would
have been burned at the stake.

Not for being a wizard
but because he's ginger.

Ladies and gentlemen, Rupert Grint!

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

How are you?Yeah, good.
Really good.

Rupert!

Have a seat! Brilliant!

Now, first of all, forgive me,
why do gingers get so much stick?

Says a man with pubic hair!

Saying that, I didn't get
much abuse at school.

People used to call me Luke,
actually... for Lucozade.

Oh, Lucozade.
Quite a clever nickname.

Is there anyone here who thinks they
might be ginger? What about you?

I'm not natural!
What, you dyed it ginger?!

LAUGHTER

That's nice to hear, yeah!
That is the future right there.

Obviously, we have to talk about Harry
Potter, and you're probably fed up to the
back teeth with it.

Well, I don't know, it has been my whole
life, basically, it's been 11 years.

I've had children who've
been growing up in that time,

so I've spent a lot of my time reading
them Harry Potter bedtime stories.

What on earth is it about?
I mean, really...

Basically, we win in the end so...

Michael Gambon came here.
Yeah. A bit older than you,

and I did ask him, "Do
you understand it?"

And of course he was Dumbledore,
and he said, "Well, sort of. "

But does he give the impression of
knowing what he's doing on the set or...?

The performance is ama... He does get
a bit confused sometimes, I think.

One question I had from my children, if you
don't mind my asking, is do you fancy Emily
Watson in real life?

Well... No, don't do that face.
That man just did that, "Mmm... "

But do you actually
fancy her in real life?

Well, it's weird, because I actually
had to kiss her in this last one,

because our characters
kind of get together.

Yeah, yeah.

And it's like a brother-sister
kind of relationship we've got.

So you weren't nursing a semi.
Oh, my God!

I wasn't, I wasn't, no.

So what does the future hold, now that
the big ten years of Potter is over?

I don't know, it's weird to come out of
something that you've been a part of for...

most of your life.

But I've done other
films, kind of in between,

and hopefully I can kind
of continue doing that.

One of the things that I was thinking...
I've been reading up on you, before you
came on,

is that you could work with cars,because th
ey do seem to bea strong love for you. Yeah.

Because what you actually own is...

let's think, a Range Rooney, an
ice-cream van and a hovercraft.

Yeah.

Let's start with the Range
Rover, shall we? The Wayne Rover.

Yeah. What colour's that?

It's... orange, it's bright orange.

LAUGHTER

Yeah. It's ginger, it's
basically a ginger car.

So that works well or...?

I didn't make that connection
when I was picking the colour.

I just thought it looked really cool. It's
got black wheels, and it does look really
cool.

An orange Range Rover
in black wheels?

Yeah! Oh, dear, we're fightinga
lost cause here with you.

Bringing it back down to
earth again. Ice-cream van?

Yep... I've had that for a while.

It's something I've always wanted.

As a child, it was kind
of a dream, really.

It's a '74 Bedford.

It's pink.

LAUGHTER

It's not the most practical car, because
it's got one seat and it's basically a
kitchen on wheels.

You do get people queuing
up on the side of a road.

And then they're mildly surprisedwhen they
see who's actually sittingin it, I should
imagine. Yeah.

And then obviously I have to ask, the
hovercraft. Yeah. I am a huge fan of
hovercrafts,

because they are the most funyou can have
with an engine,I'm convinced. Yeah,
definitely.

I was told the first time I ever went on
one - and you must have experienced this -

if you actually see an obstacle,if y
ou can see it,you will hit it. Yeah.

At some point between seeing it, and then
it could be an hour or so, it doesn't
matter what you do...

They're amazing, you've
got no control at all.

Have you ever actually hit anything?
Oh, yeah! I've hit a few things.

And so are you a good driver?

Well, I like to think so. I used to do
a bit of karting when I was younger.

Did you now?
So, competitive karting?

Well, yeah, with my brother.

So what did you think
of our new reasonably priced car?

I quite liked it.
It was better than I thought.

Yeah, because interestingly,
and I'm actually not joking,

we've had this from Kia, the makers of a
reasonably priced car, to say that they're
recalling the Cee'd.

No way!

They've identified that Cee'd models could
suffer from insufficient brake force from
the master cylinder.

So what they're actuallysaying there in
long wordsis the brakes don't work. No way!

Did nobody tell you that?

No, I didn't realise...

Nobody from our production team
told that that car's been recalled?

No, I didn't realise that.
It felt all right.

No, apparently only 468 models have been
affected, and we don't know that it's ours
yet, it's possible.

Anyway, you didn't die!
I didn't die.

No, you made it, and who herewould
like to see Rupert's lap? Yes!

Let's have a look.

There we go. Look at it!

A symphony in brown.

Come on, mmm!

Looking determined.

Not lost there, no, well done, you
remembered to go left, that's important.

That's looking very
neat and tidy. Yeah?

Well, neat and tidy
is the key, really.

Come on.

No, it won't go any faster, that
really is as fast as it goes.

You see, this is the important
thing - if you look slow,

chances are you're going not as slowly as
you think. Oh, no, a bit of a wobble into
the Hammerhead.

Do you stay in the lines?

Yes, even more in the lines.
It does understeer, this, did you notice?

It does, yeah, yeah, I was really shocked
by that. Oh, you see, you know...

Fourth... Are you a
manthat prefers oversteer?

I don't really
understand oversteer.

Well, this car, when you turn the
steering wheel, it sort of pushes on.

Yeah.

Brake... now!

Yes, that was a beautiful line
through that, absolutely perfect.

That's understeer! Right.

You almost turned right over, butthere we
are, look, across the line!CHEERS AND
APPLAUSE

Come on, youth, where do
you think you are on that?

Obviously not the wet ones, but 1:45.9
is Peter Jones, the fastest man.

I don't think I got
to the top but...

Well, mmm...

I shall just have a look on here and see if
I can see where you came, hang on a minute.

Is this like being back at school?

You got a B minus!

So, Rupert Grint, you did it in... one
minute, you'll be relieved to hear... 40...

5.5!

Oh, yes!

He's the fastest! He's the fastest!

The second time!
The second time! Wow.

It's just something in the airtoday.
Because Rubens has goneand bust that one.
Yes, I saw!

And now you've bust that one.
Oh, that's good.

We know that Peter Jones was quick
in the old car, the tall Dragon man,

so we thought, "Well, that
time will take some beating. "

He has, by the way,
just committed suicide.

He honestly left the other day saying,
"Well, no-one will beat that in a hurry!"

And it's actually taken precisely
two weeks for his time to be beaten.

I don't think that's going to
get knocked off for a while.

Wow, I'm impressed with that. So thank you
so much for coming,thank you for busting it.

Ladies and gentlemen, Rupert Grint.
CHEERS AND APPLAUSE

Right!

Earlier on, we tested the new Aston Martin
Rapide, which we liked, despite the price,

the Porsche Panamera, which we
liked, despite the hideous body,

and the Maserati Quattroporte, which we
liked, despite... pretty much everything,
really.

Now, though, it is time to see how
good these are as four-door saloons.

To do that, the producers said we
must spend the day as chauffeurs.

Guys? I know all
about chauffeuring.

Go on. You've got to wear a hat,

and you have to remember, when you open the
back door for a girl to get in, not to look
up her skirt.

Right.

On the way, we changed
into our suits, and then

we arrived at a hotel to meet
the people we'd be chauffeuring.

OK. Where's your suit trousers?

I've lost them. Lost them?

Honestly, I've searched the housetop to
bottom. So we'll have, what do you reckon,
one person each or...?

I think it's probably a conference.

We'll go to different places and
it'll be who get to his place first.

Chauffeur race. Exactly, different
places, it's who gets there first.

What? It's a wedding.

What's a wedding?

It's a wedding, we're doing a wedding,
we're the car service for a wedding.

Mate, you can't do
a wedding in jeans.

You can't, actually,
that's going too far.

I can mend this.

A real wedding? Yes.
What, an actual wedding?

Yes. We have to drive to
the church, the reception.

We are the drivers for the day to see
how big the backs of these cars are.

And I've got to mend my trousers.

Who is there at a wedding? A bride,
a groom... Bride, groom, vicar...

Bride's mother, parents,
they all have to go.

The Maserati's the biggest.

The bride should
go in the Maserati.

The bride's the mostimportant person at
a wedding. So put the bride in the...

Put the bride in the Maserati. I should
drive her, because I haven't driven the
Maserati.

You're welcome, I'm not driving
a bride to her wedding, no way!

Listen, everything we
ever do is a disaster.

Well, including what
you're doing there.

They'll be black in a minute,trust me. So
bride in the Maserati. Yeah. You drive
that. Yeah.

Groom is going to want
to go in the Aston.

I'll take him in the Aston.

I'll do the bride's
mother in the Porsche.

I wouldn't... Oh, I see!

She'll be emotional, and I'm just what
she needs on her daughter's wedding day.

Hammond set off to get the groom,

leaving me in a spot of
bother with my new trousers.

Oh, no.

My legs have stuck together.

I do apologise for this.

Worse still, chauffeur duties had made
James even more pedantic than usual.

Because I want my Maserati here for
the bride, I think it's more grand.

Yes, you go and get your Maserati.
Can you move out of the way, then?Yep.

But hang on, I can't do this until
you've gone, otherwise it's in the way.

What? I can't put the Maserati there before
you've gone, or they'd have to walk round
it. That's not right.

What are you talking about?

I can't put the Maserati in position until
you've left with the bride's mother. Why?

Otherwise she'll come out
and get in the Maserati...

She won't, because we'll say,
"Don't get in the Maserati. "

Then she has to walk around it,
and it's not right, trust me.

Meanwhile, I'd arrived
at the groom's house.

This is it.

But having never chauffeured before, I
didn't know whether to get him or wait in
the car.

He wants to get
ready, take his time.

I'll, erm...

I'll hover here.

You've got half an hour to get
there, you've got to be...

I've got to be late, yes. Yes, but a
tiny bit late, not your usual late.

No, no, I understand
the difference.

Whilst James was still deciding where to
put his car, the wedding party emerged.

I was going to back it
up and do it properly.

Do you want to go in and come out while I
back it up? James,will you concentrate on
your job?

This way, please. Don't look up her
skirt, don't look up her skirt.

No, no, no! I'm in!
Thank you for averting your gaze.

Come on. Where is he?

Oh, you're already in! Sorry!

He's already in.

Good afternoon, everyone.

Oh, good afternoon.

I'm James, I shall be your driver.

This is the Maserati Quattroporte. Not the
original model, which had a slightly ropey
gearbox.

This is the GTS, much
improved, as you shall see.

The key's stuck.

Jeremy, meanwhile, was being
his usual charming self.

If I've got whiffy pits, I apologise, but
it is from wearing slightly hot trousers.

Come on, we're late, we're late!That's the
groom, that's the groom. He is the groom.

You're Steve? Yeah. Hi, Steve.
Sorry, mate, sorry.

And you're Sam, the best man?

Hiya. Hi, nice to see you.

Are we not going right to
the church? Yeah, you...

As we are a bit early, and obviously
you don't want to arrive early,

I thought we'd take a slightly
longer route, slightly scenic,

so that you can arrive at an appropriate
time and also enjoy the car a little bit on
the journey.

Unfortunately, the bride's
father had never seen Top Gear.

That sounds really good, yeah.

Still, at least James
was driving sensibly.

Sport, sport plus.

I WILL get you to
the church on time.

As it turned out, my
passengers loved fast driving.

Wow!

So a marriage, whoo!

It's a big 'un. It's the big day.

Think what you're taking on, man.

Life changes today. Today.

Yeah. For real.

It's amazing, isn't it, marriage?

You have the big day, the big
celebration, it's all exciting,

and then one day it just
settles down into the norm,

day to day,

just every day...
after day... after day...

You'll never get it to sound like this.
It's to do with the crank angle and
cylinders.

I never thought I'd be learning about
crank angles on the way to my wedding.

Sorry, I think I've taken the wrong exit
off that roundabout. Hang on a minute.

I guess we're going to check
out the road holding or...

No, no, this isn't a test, I'm just...
Because I've done this loop, I'm not
absolutely sure...

It must be the next one.

You're not getting nervous
now, are you? I am now.

I was feeling pretty relaxed but...

I'll help you with some music.

There you go... Oh, look,
it's not as easy as I'd hoped.

We really have to get a move on.

Yeah, but I just want to find out,
can I drive the iPod from the stereo?

Oh, this is the most complicated thing I've
ever tried to do. Oh, no, that's just
impossible.

Hang on, I think I've got it.

# I'm not in love

# So don't forget it

# It's just a silly phase... #

Here we go! Power!

In the back, Jenson and Lewis
wanted even more from the Porsche.

Can't we go somewhere we
can go really fast? Yeah.

I have to say... Up to the airfield?
Oh, is there an airfield near here?

Yeah! Pull in there, do a circuit,
and then we don't mind being late.

Is she a calm bride?

She's been SO calm.

Because James May can drive somebody to
the edge of reason after three minutes.

I'll turn round in the garden centre.
Sorry about that.

As the clock struck one, I
pulled up at the church.

I almost lost my dress then!
We made it, we made it, we made it.

The bride's mother and chief bridesmaid
seemed very happy with my chauffeuring
skills.

However, in Claire Rayner's car...

# Whoo-hoo, no, baby,
please don't go... #

I mean it's like your
life, it's for life!

It is for life.

Just stretching out
in front of you.

Forever.

Just going on... and on.

Amazingly, though, when Captain
Cheerful eventually arrived,

the groom was more
bothered about my trousers.

What are you wearing?
! I'm fine, nothing to see here.

More worryingly, there was nothing
to see in terms of the bride either.

The relations are
starting to get angsty.

I can just feel eyes burrowing
into the back of my head.

I did look at the map
before I started off.

Right, nearly there.

What hymns have you chosen?
The King Of Love My Shepherd Is.

Very good.

JAMES SINGS THE TUNE

CHURCH BELLS RING

Half one, half an hour
late now for the wedding.

Look, there it is. Hmm?

The church was that way.

Are you sure it was that way?
Yes. Yeah.

Completely, 100% sure.

We're now into something to two o'clock.
We're now nearer two o'clock...

We're nearer the next hour than the one
when they were supposed to be getting
married.

This would have been your last car journey
before you became a married woman, I hope
it was a good one.

That man, he is the
most colossal...

Where have you been?
We took a slightly scenic route.

The wedding party
hurried into the church.

Explain yourself. What? How come you've
arrived 35 minutes late? It's fashionable
for the bride...

Yeah, you've obviously made an
impression, because they're all leaving.

They're really happy to have had you
driving, look at their cheery faces as they
walk off dabbing their eyes.

Did they like the Maserati?

Loved it! Did they? Yeah, absolutely.
Did you love it?

I love it, top five cars.
What do we do now?

Now we wait for them.
That's boring.

Actually, no, I tell you what. The bride's
mother told me on the way over there's an
airfield near here.

So? Well, is this a
Catholic wedding or...?

They'll be doing Dear
Lord and Father of...

Drag race. Bagsie go in this.

Drag race. Drag race.

So as the congregation
began its first hymn...

ENGINES ROAR

.. we headed off to the airfield
and set up our drag race.

I'm sure most wedding
car drivers do this.

I wonder if they've done
the exhortations yet.

Go!

Yes!

Look at this go!

80, level-pegging with the Ast...
Oh, no, I'm not.

Maserati sitting in my door
mirror here like an oil painting.

Come on, come on!

Even with James at the wheel,
that Porsche easily won.

Since the race was over so quickly, I
decided there was time for another game.

I bet I can do a longer powerslide
in that than you two can in these.

Good game?

Come on, it's a beautiful day,
we've got crash helmets on.

The back's coming out nicely,
and now bin it there!

Too much grip.

Our new game was excellent fun!

BELLS RING

TYRES SQUEAL

That's a good one!
What do you think of that, Hammond?

And another championship-winning entry
from Hammond in the Maserati. Yeah.

Oh, yeah! Feeling
sick but looking good!

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

I know... I know a lot of you will have
been looking at that and thinking it was
all a set-up,

they were actors.

Well, it really wasn't,
they really were a couple,

they really did get married that
day, and they really are here.

Ladies and gentlemen,
Steve and Ellie!

APPLAUSE

Congratulations!
Sorry! Really sorry.

Sorry we weren't there
when you came out.

Sorry about my mood on the day, it was
inappropriate, as it turned out. We're
sorry.

By way of an apology and as a token
of our appreciation, we've brought

you this memento so you can remember
the day every time you have a dump.

LAUGHTER Congratulations!

Congratulations. Thank you.

Excellent, excellent.

We clubbed together to buy that,just so you
know. Ourselves. Your eternal happiness.

Anyway, it is now time for us to
decide which of these cars is best.

Quite easy for me, the
Maserati is idiotic, OK?

After five minutes it would drive you mad,
and after five weeks it would fall to
pieces.

But for me, by a country mile,
it's the one I'd have. Me too.

Yeah, and me, by a long, long way.

Yeah, so there we are, we
all agree on something.

The worst car is the best.

And on both those bombshell,
it's now time to end.

Thank you for watching. Not that you were,
because you were watching the football, but
there we are.

See you next week, though.
Take care, good night!

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

E- mail subtitling@bbc. co. uk