Top Gear (2002–…): Season 15, Episode 2 - Episode #15.2 - full transcript

The boys were each given 5000 pounds to buy a track car (which is car that can be use everyday and also can be driven fast around a track). The end result was James bought a Mercedes-Benz 190E 2.3-16 Cosworth, Richard a BMW M3 (E36 Version) and Jeremy purchased a Ford Sierra Sapphire RS Cosworth. Once they have purchase their track cars, they traveled to Germany for a series of challenges. James pays a visit to the test track with a pair of Porsches, the Porsche 911 Sport Classic and the Porsche Boxster Spyder. Alastair Campbell is the Star In A Reasonably Priced Car.


JEREMY CLARKSON:
Tonight, James gets wet,

an actual spin
doctor on our track

and The Stig laps
a Reliant Robin.

-[AUDIENCE CHEERING]
-Hello.

Hello. Good evening. Hello.

Now...

Now, as we know,

as we know,
track days these
days are very popular.

The idea is that you drive
your own car to a race circuit

wearing some
horrible branded shirt...

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

...like,
for example, this one,

and then you drive around as
fast as possible all day
and then you go home.

Today, track days
are such big business

you can even buy specialised
track day cars
like this KTM X-Bow.

Thing is, this costs £45,000,
which is a lot,

especially as
you can't exactly
take the kids to school in it.

No, so, to address this,

the producers gave us each
a budget of £5,000

and they told us to buy
four-door saloons that could
be used every day

but that would also be good
on a track day.

And because the challenges
they had in mind
were quite serious,

they told us to meet up
in the world's
least amusing city.

Yep, it was Berlin.

I was the first to arrive,
and as you would imagine,

I had done
everything properly.

This is
a Mercedes 190 Cosworth

and Martin Brundle,
the former Formula One driver,

said that this car had
one of the best
chassis ever fitted

to a four-door saloon.

It is, if you like,
the thinking man's BMW M3.

Talking of which...

-Hammond.
-Oh, yeah. Take a look.

-Yes.
-BMW M3, 3.2 litres.

So you've
bought the wrong one.

No, actually, I haven't,
because the original one

is now considered a classic.

So you can't get a good one
for less than 15,000.

This,
the series two of the M3,
is bigger, faster and better.

So this is
the famous Mercedes 190.

-It is. Cosworth.
-2.3, 16.

Known for being the slowest
performance car of all time.

At that moment we
were interrupted
by the arrival of Clarkson.

Predictable, predictable...

HAMMOND: For good reason.

The only reason
you two didn't buy

a Ford Sierra
Sapphire Cosworth
is 'cause you forgot about it.

No. It's because when you
think of high-performance
four-door saloons

you naturally
think of Germany.

-It's what they do here.
-Exactly.

And where was yours made?

Well, it was designed by a man
called Uwe Bahnsen,
who is German.

-And where was it built?
-Belgium.

-[HAMMOND SNICKERS]
-Ah, Belgium, the mecca

-for the performance motorist.
-HAMMOND: Yeah.

Belgium is home to everything.
Tennis players, chips...

It's not the first place you
think of going for
a performance saloon car!

You two are going to lose this
and you will end
up in ze cooler.

HAMMOND: At that moment,
a challenge arrived.

Oh, hello. Thank you.

"You will now leave Berlin
and head down

-"an unrestricted autobahn."
-Good.

"Points will be
awarded for every mph
more than 130 that you can

"or should we
say dare achieve."

Still won't be
out of second gear
when they're going down...

-What's the top speed?
-Top speed of that?

- Yeah.
-151.

Mine had to be limited to 155.
This is when they
introduced limiting.

They realised,
"It's too fast!
It's a monster."

Fair enough, because this had
the six-cylinder engine,
3.2 litre.

James,
I seem to remember this was

-not that fast.
-No.

-What was its top speed?
-143.

-143?
-Yes.

So not really
a performance car.

But I reckon mine will still
do that because it is
a Mercedes-Benz...

[CLARKSON EXCLAIMING]

-What?
-Oh, my God!

Ah, the interior, yeah.

CLARKSON: Have you seen
the inside of his car?

Toffee and caramel,
that interior is.

It's not! Oh, he's gone
for the fake wood door pulls.

-That's a quality touch.
-[MAY LAUGHS]

-Right, we've got
to get out of Berlin.
-HAMMOND: Okay.

What's that?

-I don't know.
-It wasn't there this morning.

You don't think it fell out
of James's luggage, do you?

[LAUGHING]

Fell out of my what?
I missed that.

Ooh, yes. Straight six.

That's a proper engine.

This is the Wall.

What this car has
that the other
two cars don't have

is a dog-leg first gear.
I should explain this.

Normally, first gear is
away from you and forwards

but here, it is away from you
and backwards.

That means that
second and third
and then fourth and fifth

are in straight lines,
which is what you
want for racing,

so that is a sign that this
car has a proper
motor sport pedigree.

You have to remember
that in the late '80s,
early '90s,

the Germans were all drunk,

running around celebrating
the fall of the Berlin Wall.

And that showed
in the sloppiness
of the cars they were making.

The Belgians, on the other
hand, they never have
anything to celebrate.

They just get up, go to work
and do a good job,
as we can see here.

Those are his
reversing lights.

-[CRASHES]
-[BLEEP]

James, what was that?

Uh, nothing.

Look, I've had 30 years of it
being left and forward.

It's a difficult
habit to get out of.

CLARKSON:
On the outskirts of Berlin,

we pulled over
so our cars could be fitted

with
super-accurate speedometers.

And then we hit the autobahn,
to see which one
was the fastest.

Right, for Belgium!

Two-litre.
16 valve. Massive turbo.

5,000 rpm.
Five and a half. Into fifth.

120.

Come on, come on!

125.

Six, seven...

Ooh,
it's pulling to the right.

Gone floaty.

128...9...

Come on, let's have 130!

Traffic.

Lot of trucks.
A lot of trucks.

117...

121...

Feeling good.

128...

132...

135. Traffic.

Oh, God!

Foot hard down, 114.

Concentrate.

122. A bit of a weave.

Oh, bloody lorry.

Achtung! Schnell! Schnell!

CLARKSON: It turned out that
while you're allowed to reach

the top speed of your car
on the autobahn,
it's not easy.

You get an East German
truck... Yes, look, he's
doing it. He's doing it.

You just get these
East German trucks

and they just pull out
when they want to pull out.

Eventually, though,
the traffic did thin.

So we went for another run.

Here we go, again!

Don't pull out.

Do not pull out.

132...

three, four, five...

Go! Come on!

136.

Smelling pretty bad.
Smelling pretty bad.

138...9...

140 miles an hour!

Oh, yes!

Engine
temperature's shooting up.

But that was 142 mph.

Not bad for
a 21-year-old Ford.

Whoo!

135, yes!

Give me 140! Give me 140!

There it is.

Just three more miles per hour
and the German Cosworth

would beat
the Belgian Cosworth.

Come on, come on, come on.

It's not going to do it.
Sorry.

I'm doing my best.

HAMMOND: Now, watch and learn.

Come on now,
come on now, come on now.

138.

144...

47...48...

49...50...

152!

[CHUCKLES]

Traffic. Slowing.

This thing will do 155 pretty
easily, I've just hit
traffic every time.

Yeah, yeah. This will do 180.

It will!

With round one
going to the BMW,

we pulled over in the next
town and were given
another challenge.

"So far, we've established
the speed your cars can go.

"To see how practical they
are, for the next bit
of the journey,

"you'll take it in turns
to carry some passengers."

That's all right.

HAMMOND: As it turned out,
it wasn't all right.

[OOMPAH BAND PLAYS]

If we do crash,
it will take some explaining.

Come on.
I'm the tallest thing here.

It's not as bad as
you'd think, actually.

-I'm trying to be
killed by lightning.
-What?

-I'm trying to be
killed by lightning.
-Sorry?

-Are you deaf?
-Sorry?

In you go.

Sadly,
I wasn't killed by lightning,
so I went next.

Oh... I might just move these.

[MOUTHING]

It's my light
reading over here.

[OOMPAH BAND PLAYING]

Almost immediately I realised
that there was enough
space in the back

and that the rear suspension
was coping fine.

So, I decided to pull over
as quickly as possible...

Kill me.

...and handed
the band over to James.

-Ready, James?
-Ja.

Forwards!

Scheisse.

[LAUGHING]

After a while,
it became apparent
James wasn't coming back.

[BAND CONTINUES PLAYING]

Oh, hello.

This looks like trouble.

CLARKSON: While
waiting for the Mercedes
to cool down

we asked the oompah band
which car they thought was
the most spacious.

-Is it the Mercedes?
-No.

Definitely not the Mercedes.
What about the BMW?

It's the best.

-Ha-ha! You see? You see?
-It's our favourite.

Why?
It's smaller than the Ford.

It's coming from Bavaria,
like us.

It isn't the test of
where they are from!

This is just racism
against the Belgians.

HAMMOND:
Listen,
their decision is final.

They decide it won the...
What are we calling it,
the oompah test?

The oompah test.
It won fair and square.

-Because it's Bavarian.
-It won!

[OOMPAH BAND RESUMES PLAYING]

CLARKSON:
Thank you for nothing.
Absolutely nothing.

[APPLAUSE]

I mean, that...
That's ridiculous.

-The judges'
decision is final.
-Saying...

Saying the BMW's the most
spacious because it was
made in Bavaria,

that's like saying,
"Who's the tallest
Top Gearpresenter?"

"It's Richard Hammond
because he's from Birmingham."

No, it's not!

"Who's the fastest
driver of the three?"

"It's James May because
he's wearing his
mum's curtains."

It really is
the most spacious car.

That's a fact and that's
the judges' decision.
Live with it.

-Stop bleating,
let us do the news.
-HAMMOND: Yeah.

Actually, I want to start
on a serious note,

if I may,
with the news, because
as we know, for many years

we've been told
that Wayne Rooney
is the light and the path

to righteousness
and we must
emulate his lifestyle

and indeed the lifestyle
of his lovely wife Coleen.

Now, of course, we realise
he is a lazy,
talentless, jug-eared oaf.

[AUDIENCE CHEERS]

-[APPLAUSE]
-Well, he is.

-That's quite strong.
-Strong but true.

I'm now hoping this means an
end to the Rooney-fication
of Britain.

Exhibit A,
the Range Rover, okay?
Now, this was the old model.

Note the plain,
sensible front end,

just some headlights to see
where you're going.

-It's noble.
-It's noble.

As dignified as
a rolled umbrella.

Now look what
they've done to it.
Look at this.

-Honestly.
This is the new one.
-HAMMOND: What is it?

How much bling can you get
on the front...

What's all these fiddly
headlamps and all this
business going on?

I'm surprised it doesn't have
studs in its ears, here.

They have literally ruined it.

Now, listen, I am aware, of
course, that there is
a demand for a car

that looks like this, because
I know there is such
a place as Cheshire.

And I don't mind
if they make this...
Range Rover Rooney edition.

They could just call it
the Range Rooney.

No, no, the Wayne Wover.

The Wayne...
These are good names.
These are good names.

But all I'm asking is
please can everybody else,

ordinary decent people,
have the old one back, please?

Actually, I have to say
I agree with you.

There needs to be a version
of the new Range Rover

that isn't for people
who want to celebrate the life

and work of a potato-faced
shopping enthusiast.

-That's it.
-We want the old one back.
We really do.

Oh, now, there aren't very
many things that we all agree
on, except this.

We all think that
the best small car
that you can buy at the moment

is the Citroen DS3.

Now, we're not joking about
this. That is a genuinely
brilliant little car.

There's something about it.
It's like a Mini
that smokes Gauloises.

It is. It's fantastic.

The weird thing is it's got
exactly the same engine as the
Mini, hasn't it?

As the Mini Cooper.
But it just
feels better for some reason.

It does. It's great.

Anyway,
the reason I brought this up
is because

they're bringing out
a new hot version of this.

Got a picture of it here.
It's called the Racing. Okay?

HAMMOND: Yeah!
CLARKSON: 200 horsepower.

The only think is
Citroen will not...

They refuse to tell us
how much it's going to cost.

I'm just going to make it up.
50 quid. There you go.

-£50.
-It's £50. That's fantastic.

And the thing is
who in their life
wouldn't want orange wheels?

Seriously.

Anyone with red hair,
I imagine.
It will clash.

Squirrels. Red squirrels.
They'd look terrible.

-Or the Duchess of York.
-Anne Robinson.

Yes.

The Pope.
What's he called,
the Pope bloke?

Well, the Pope.

Silence, you two.

They're only
making 1,000 of them

because they're French
and therefore idle communists.

It's because nobody wants
orange wheels,
obviously, we now know.

Anyway, I can't wait to get a
go in that.
It just looks brilliant.

-And I do like the wheels.
-Hey! Good news.

I have secured
some top-secret film

taken inside the factory
of the new Dacia
Duster being made.

-AUDIENCE: Ooh!
-Excellent.

Excellent. Anyway...

-The end of...
-[LAUGHING]

I'm sure you have.
Thank you very much.

At the end of last
week's programme,
this appeared.

This is called the end board.

This is what you
see every single week

at the end of
every single programme.

Except for Top Gear. Look...

MMXX. That's 2020.

This is the only
programme coming
from 10 years in the future.

Anyway, the point is, okay,
there's a new car come out.

It's called the Night XV. I've
got a picture of it here.
Okay, now...

XV... What's that?

That's 207, in Roman numerals.

-No... 993.
-Yeah, something like that.

No, it's 207, definitely.
Let me talk you
through it, okay?

£650,000.

For that you get
internet connectivity,

you get DVD,
TV, a cigar humidor...

And according to one report,
it can resist
gunfire for 24 hours.

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

Do you know what?
I think if I was
shooting at someone,

I'd get sort of bored
after about four hours.

I think the police would have
arrived by four hours,
personally.

But, forgive me, it's a car.

You'd kind of
drive off before then.

-You would.
-After an hour, you'd think,

"They're not going to change
their minds. I'm going away."

-"He is still shooting at me."
-Yeah.

And the other thing as well is
it's made in Canada.

Who in Canada could do...
Are you Canadian?

WOMAN 1: Yeah!
WOMAN 2: Yes.

Whatever happens in Canada
that would cause somebody

to shoot at
somebody else for 24 hours?

The other thing as well is
if you are shooting at it,

it's not likely
you're going to miss,

because here's a picture of it
next to a Hummer.

Look at the size of it!
It is massive.

It's absolutely unbelievable.

So that's Canada's answer
to the motor industry there.

Now,
I don't know if any of you
were watching last week

but I had several accidents
in a Reliant Robin.

Which has generated
a sizeable postbag.

I've got some of
the letters here.
Lots of them.

Let me just read
you this one, okay?
It says,

"Dear Top Gear,the only
reason why Mr so-called
Clarkson was killed

"is because he wasn't
driving it properly.

"I bet if The Stig drove it,
he'd be fine."

Tell you what, let's find out.

-Now, I bet you he rolls that
over.

-HAMMOND: No, this is
The Stig.

The only thing that's
ever defeated him
was that Koenigsegg.

CLARKSON: He will not be able
to do a lap in that car
without rolling over.

I guarantee it.

HAMMOND: He'll use his special
Stiggy powers.

CLARKSON: Here he is.
Coming up to
the first corner now.

MAY: Perfect.
CLARKSON: Absolutely fine.

And... So he's made...

Oh, no, he hasn't.

[AUDIENCE GROANS]

Told you. I told you.

There are more letters,
though. This is one
that caught my eye.

"Dear Topso-called Gear,
why didn't you use an Isetta
bubble car instead?"

And do you know what?
It's a good point.
Why didn't you?

'Cause if you
think about it...
I've got one here,

one wheel at the back,
two at the front.

It's a more stable
three-wheeler configuration.

Yeah.
But this has another problem.

What problem?
Well, why don't
you fire it up, mate?

The 300cc engine
bursting into life.

Now, if you could drive into
our imaginary
garage over here,

that would be lovely.

Oh, look.
He hasn't fallen over.
Still hasn't fallen over.

It's much better already.

Just wave goodbye, Hammond.
Here we go.

Okay,
all the way into the garage,
please, mate. All the way in.

You've got a foot to go.
Six inches.

-There you go. Marvellous.
-What's wrong with that?

It hasn't fallen over.
It's much better.

Okay. Now,
if you'd like to get out...

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

Oh, yeah. I see your point.
The door's at the front.

-You'll have to
back it up, mate.
-Yeah, go on, reverse.

Okay. Where is reverse?

Hasn't got one.

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

-Really?
-No.

So how does he get out?

Well, this is the thing.
Honestly,
if you think about it...

No, if you... No, listen.
James,
stop fingering the studio.

The thing is, okay,
that if you had
one of these cars,

you got home like this,
you got stuck in your garage,

there were two problems.

You couldn't call
inside your house

for your wife and girlfriend
to come and rescue you,

because it was the 1950s and
the mobile telephone
hadn't been invented.

And of course,
if you had a car like this,

you wouldn't have
a wife or a girlfriend.

Very funny.
Could you push me
out now, please?

-What?
-Would you give me a push?

-Can we push you out?
-Push you out...

Uh... Can we...
Sorry, what was the question?

-We could either
push him out or...not.
-Not do that.

-Can we push him out?
Ah, whoo...
-I think no.

I'm coming down in
favour of no as well.

-No. Sorry, James.
-It's a no, sorry.

-It's a unanimous no.
See you, mate.
-Yeah. Sorry.

Right, well,
let's move it on, to this.

To that, actually, over there.

That is a Porsche 911.

And one way or another, that
has been with us for
about a thousand years.

Now, though, they've brought
out a sort of
greatest hits version.

Here it is.

Porsche call it
the Sport Classic.

But I prefer to think of it as

"Now That's What I Call
The Best Of The 911...

"Volume One."

This duck-tail spoiler was
originally a hit for
the 1973 Carrera 2.7 RS.

The black headlamp surrounds
were first recorded by
the 1974 Turbo RSR.

The Fuchs alloys are a cover
version of the ones first
seen on the 1966 911S.

And the wide-body rear arches
are from today's Carrera 4.

Anyway,
that's enough band analogies.

Let's see if this thing is as
good as it was before Peter
Gabriel left Genesis.

Starting, if we must,
with how fast it will go.

You get 22 more horsepower
than you do in
a standard Carrera S.

That means nought
to 60 in 4.6 seconds.
Top speed 188.

And I suppose that means
I've got to go and do it.

Argh!

So, it's very fast,
very good-looking

and surprisingly
soft and comfortable,

but there is a problem.

It's £140,000,

twice what
a normal Carrera S costs.

And they've only
made 250 of them.

And you can't buy one,
because they've all been sold.

So let's move on to a Porsche
you can buy...

the new Boxster Spyder.

Porsche say this harks back
to the lightweight models

James Dean was
driving in the '50s.

But frankly, that's a bit
of marketing cobblers.

He was a rebel
without an airbag.

This does have an airbag.
But that's about it.

It's 80kg lighter
than the standard Boxster,

thanks to aluminium doors,

aluminium engine cover,
super-light
wheels and carbon-fibre seats.

There's more, or rather, less.

There is no standard air-con.

The door handles
have been replaced
by these little bits of rag

and they've even ditched
the piece of plastic

that goes on top
of the instruments.

What Porsche do is they leave
a lot of things that you
should get on a Boxster

on a shelf in the factory

and then they charge you more
for not giving them to you.

This car costs £46,000.

That's 5,000 more
than the standard car

and you get less in return.

Or do you?

The 3.4 litre flat-6 now
has 320 horsepower,

10 more than
the standard Boxster's.

And because it's lighter,
nought to 60
is done in just five seconds.

Top speed, 166.

I've owned
the standard Boxster S
for the last four years

and I can promise you,
this is better.

It's readier. It's more eager.

It's bloody excellent.

Hee-hee-hee!

But all this
stripped-back Spyder stuff
does have its drawbacks.

What if you're driving along
with the roof down

and suddenly it
starts to rain?

Exactly. What
a remarkable coincidence.

Oh no,
I need to erect the top tent.

What you do is
you open the boot.

And you take out this bit,
which is called
the sun shield.

Then you get in the car,
you attach it at
the front first...

Ah!

Like that...

And then you get
that bit behind you...

Hang on.

Then at the other end,
the same wire
goes on this special clamp

and then these two bits
clip on to there...

Oh, sugar!

It was a nightmare. But I got
it finished just as
the "rain" stopped.

[TYRES SCREECHING]

Top speed is now
reduced from 166 to 126

because any faster than that
and the sky tent blows off.

But frankly,
I couldn't care less.

Because the way this car feels
is so much more important
than the top speed.

This is a really happy car,

it's full of vibrant energy
and enthusiasm.

It's a bit like one of those
really stupid dogs.

I bet if you threw a ball
it would chase after it.

[SCREECHING]

And it's having
a bit of an effect
on me because, to be honest,

I have started
behaving a bit like
the other two idiots.

The really amazing thing is in
a car as lithe and
nimble as this, I can.

Whoo-hoo!

I've said before that some
cars give me a strange fizzing
sensation inside

and this one really does.

I'm fizzing massively here.

I'm fizzing fit to burst.
Nurse!

That's actually a spin,
but never mind.

Never mind, indeed.

What Porsche has done

is take one of the most
practical everyday sports
cars you can buy

and turned it into
a simple indulgence.

And by making it simple,
they've made it
simply brilliant.

He'll be disappointed.

It is a shame
James isn't here,

'cause I didn't agree
with everything he said then.

Yeah. It's a shame
he's not here to stand up,

but never mind,
we'll carry on without him.

-Yeah.
-We'll talk about it.

Start with this,
the Sport Classic, which...

I mean, it's
a fabulous-looking thing.
It's a fabulous car, actually.

But the price!
What happened here I think is

they started off with a price
and then tried to justify it.

No, I'm sorry,
it is a pretty thing
that, but this is worse.

-Yeah.
-This really is worse.

An umbrella, no door handles.
Honestly.

So, I guess really,
there's no point
putting that round the track

because you can't buy it.

We'll just put this
stupid thing round.

I'll have to do
the commentary,
obviously.

Oi!

While it's driven
by our tame racing driver.

Some say there are
17 different
reasons why he's banned

from the Northampton branch
of Little Chef.

And that his favourite
airline pilot is Mark Webber.

Mine, too, actually.
Oh, we know,
of course, it's The Stig!

Oh, no, he's facing
the wrong direction.

Oh, no! Of course, it's a
Boxster, both ends look
exactly the same.

Off now very slowly
to the first corner.

Just sort of driving
through it, really,
in a not very interesting way.

Nothing interesting at all
to report there.

Stig,
still enjoying his new CD,
Vuvuzela Moods.

I should add that
this is made possible

because Porsche
has very kindly
reinstalled the stereo

they normally
charge you £5,000
to remove.

Okay, plodding
through Hammerhead now
in the manner of a car

that only
a complete idiot would like.

[VUVUZELAS DRONING]

Little known fact,
this is also
the noise Stig makes

when he wants to
attract a mate.

Uh, trudging through...
Follow through,
past some tyres.

Wish I'd brought
a magazine to read

while waiting for
this stupid thing
to haul its way round.

It's not very
interesting there,

sort of slidey there
and across the thingy.

There you are. Don't like it.

I don't mind that.
I don't like that.

Well, I have the time here
for the Boxster
Spyder and it did it in

one minute 24.9,
which actually
isn't bad at all.

That puts it right up there.

No, I'm not
interested in that at all.

So, let's put
a star in our brand-new
reasonably priced car.

Now, my guest tonight
began his working career

writing pornographical stories
for a gentlemen's magazine.

He then went on to be
Communications
Director for Tony Blair

and Gordon Brown, so, really,
he's spent most
of his adult life

working with penises.

Ladies and gentlemen,
Alastair Campbell!

-How are you?
-All right, all right.

[BOOING]

Go on then, go on then!

Some of the best people.

Well, you've come into the den
of lions here, really.

Yeah, they're all right.

You don't know yet.
It is tricky,
I have to be honest,

thinking about
how this interview
might go.

-Me, you... Left, right.
-Yeah.

Not necessarily right.

Wrong.

[ALL LAUGH]

The thing is I don't believe
what I write

any more than you
believe what you say.

-So...
-[ALL LAUGHING]

Obviously, we're sitting here
and we've got to
do this interview

and at some point, we've to
get to the lap,
which is all cheery.

So I prepared some questions
that I hope
aren't too contentious.

Okay. I thought you would.

-A lot of work
gone into these.
-Go on.

What is your favourite colour?

I've got two. Claret and blue.

-Blue?
I wasn't expecting blue.
-Burnley Football Club.

Now, Burnley? I'm fascinated
by your love of football.

Mmm-hmm.

'Cause you're a Yorkshireman
but you support Burnley.

-Yep.
-Isn't that a bit like,
I don't know,

going to an Oxbridge College
and then joining
the Labour Party?

[ALL LAUGHING]

Lots did and lots have.

But Burnley back then were one
of the biggest and best teams

in the country and they were
20 miles away
from where I lived.

-What star sign are you?
-Gemini.

I don't know
anything about Gemini,
except my wife's one.

Do you want to marry me?

[MOUTHING]

-No?
-No. I'm going to
get political now.

Go on, then. Here we go.

So you started out writing
porn. I mean,
that was Forum magazine.

-Was that right?
-Yeah.

And then you became Blair's...
You were
Communications Director.

-There was a gap.
-There was a gap
but eventually...

So you did something noble
and then ended up

sort of prostituting yourself,
which I think is
a weird way round.

Um, I want to move
on to Gordon Brown,
who lost the general election

and has now disappeared.

Um...

Two-part question,
and a serious one.
Two-part question.

You were obviously in charge
of the image

and how
the election was presented
to the people.

Two parts. Who was it
that told him
that he had to smile

and then why did no one
tell him to stop?

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

Well, I wasn't in charge.
I would have been
in charge if we won

but we didn't win,
so I wasn't in charge at all.

Um, I don't think you can
tell anybody to smile.

But I think it was possibly
his misfortune

that he followed
a Prime Minister

who does smile a lot
very, very naturally.

-Not like that.
-He did.

He's got nicer
teeth than you, Jeremy.
He looks after them.

Yes, I know, because
he probably used taxpayers'...

Did they go on expenses,
his teeth?

No. No, they didn't.

-[APPLAUSE]
-Don't applaud.

-It just occurred to me...
-Don't applaud that.

You know, if I may...

If I may, okay,
I have some footage here.

I just want to see...
Gordon Brown here, okay.

So here he is.
And ready, steady...

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

But look,
he lightened up the room,
didn't he? That was nice.

Was it done with
electricity or...

[MIMICS ELECTRIC SHOCK]

Now the thing
is you did tweet,
I believe,

earlier this week saying,
"How do I handle Clarkson,
any suggestions?"

-I got a lot.
-Really?

-Yeah.
-Murder, kill...

Some of those.
"Kick him in the nuts."

-Mmm-hmm.
-Yeah. Er...

"Ask him how he voted."

Do you know, I think it is
none of your business.

Okay, fair enough.

-As an employee of...
-I'm going to make a guess.

-Go on, then.
-Tory.

That would mean voting
for my next-door neighbour.

-Anyway,
he didn't win, did he?
-Cameron? No, he did win.

-Well, he didn't really.
-Well,
he's the Prime Minister.

He's the Prime Minister,
but he needs little Cleggo,
doesn't he?

Oh, he needs
the tea boy, I agree.

[LAUGHTER]

[SNORTS]

-Well, he is.
-I... I...

-Anyway,
when do we see the lap?
-Anyway...

No, not yet, not yet.

Because I want to
talk about your books.

-Do you? Okay.
-Yeah.

You say that you
get inspiration
for writing them

when you are driving along.

Is that a distraction
for your driver or...?

-No, honestly, in your book...
-Okay.

...Prelude to Power,
which is your diaries,

pretty much in detail...
That's how many pages?

Seven hundred and forty-four
pages and it only
gets us up to 1997.

So,
the actual Prelude to Power.

That's five times longer
than War and Peace.

-I write a diary every day.
-You do?

-You really do write every
day?

-Yeah.
You will be in there tonight.

The chat we had outside
about the Director General,

-that will be in there...
-Oh, bloody hell!
It was as well.

Um, I do a diary.

When I said that
he was a very
well-endowed man...

Yeah, yeah.

Now, one of the things,
there's a lot
about, obviously, Clause IV

and all of the things that
were being changed prior to

His Tony-ness's appointment.

I couldn't find
a single reference
to the most important thing

that happened
when he became Prime Minister,

-which was the M4 bus lane.
-Hmm.

Was that just a whim then?
Was it not planned?

No, the thing is, Jeremy,
as you rightly say,
it goes up to 1997.

-Mmm-hmm.
-Volume two

is subtitled The M4
Bus Lane, In Full.

Because I was terrified that
John Prescott had walked
in one day and gone,

"Hey,
I tell you what, let's paint
outside lane on t'motorway red

-"and make it a bus lane."
-Aye.

-And that's not what happened?
-No.

There was a thought that it
might alleviate some
of the congestion

and, according to the
statistical
analysis thereafter,

it kind of worked.

But you can't accept that
because you want to cover

the whole country in concrete
and drive around in big cars.

-Yeah. Um...
-Yeah.

Now, the other thing as well,

what did you think of our new
reasonably priced car?

'Cause you're the first person
to ever drive it in this
proper situation.

I quite liked it.
Once I'd got into
really kind of leathering it,

it didn't have a lot of oomph.

I think The Stig
was really patient,
he really was.

-Top man.
-Really?

Yeah.
I was kind of half hoping
it would be a woman.

No. Some say
he's fanatically right-wing.

-No, he told me he's not.
-Really?

He says you are.

See? You're just believing
what it says in
the papers again.

No,
I know you're a reasonable,
fair-minded chap.

No. Um...

-Anyway,
who wants to see the lap?
-I do.

You do. Let's play the tape.
Let's have a look.

[TYRES SCREECHING]

CLARKSON: Here we are.
CAMPBELL:
That wasn't good, was it?

CLARKSON: Not bad.
CAMPBELL: Was it all right?

Right. Come on, concentrate.

Remember everything he said.

CLARKSON: Let's have a look
through the first corner.
Obviously,

I've never seen this car...
I've never seen it at all go
round the track.

Nick Clegg should do this
'cause he hasn't got
an awful lot to do.

CLARKSON: Now, you've got to
stay right here.
Oh, no, you've veered left.

There's a surprise.

On your way down
to the Hammerhead.

It understeers more than
the old Chevrolet,
I think, this car.

CAMPBELL:
Doesn't look like it's going
as fast as I thought it was.

CLARKSON:
Everyone always says that.
But you keep veering...

-You are veering to the left.
-Oh, God, yeah.

Now, here we go.
This is flat-out.
Were you flat-out from your...

-CAMPBELL:
I felt flat-out, yeah.
-[BLEEP]

CLARKSON: Are you competitive?
CAMPBELL: Very.

I just want to beat
Nick Robinson to be honest.

CLARKSON: That looks like...
Ooh, yes, that was nicely
done through there,

-you cut the corner very well.
-I had real trouble down here.

-I kept going into fifth...
-That's bang...

No, not quite fast enough.

-You were in fifth?
-At one point, yeah.

No, wrong... And there we are.
And boing! Across the line!

So...

-So...
-Oh, this is so nervewracking!

-...where do you think you've
come?

-I'm quite keen to beat
Nick Robinson.

There's a surprise,
the BBC political editor.

You did it,

Alastair Campbell,
in one minute...

That's good.

...forty...

So bearing in
mind he was at 49.9,

you would have a job
squeaking in after him.

Yeah, I'm doing well...

...47 dead.

-Oh...
-So that puts you as
our second fastest.

-Surprising! That's okay.
-Well done.
No, that's very good.

So I beat Al Murray.

-You're faster than Al Murray.
-And the Page Three girl.

Peta, 23, from Essex.

-And Nick Robinson.
-Nick Robinson.

So next time he interviews
you, you can just
stand there going,

"I'm faster than you..."

-Yeah. Yeah.
-"I'm faster than you."

I think you're a huge sport
for coming down here.

-Very best of
luck with your book.
-I enjoyed it.

Ladies and gentlemen,
Alastair Campbell!

Thank you. Thanks a lot.

Marvellous.

Now! Now, earlier on,

we proved that this BMW M3
is better in
pretty much every way

than this
Mercedes and this Ford.

-CLARKSON: Because of racism!
-Yeah, whatever.

Thing is,
now it's time for us to go
back to Germany so the BMW

can win all
the other tests as well.

We begin with Jeremy,
predictably, moaning.

So this part of the world
was ruined first
of all by Hitler,

then Stalin and
now Jonathan Porridge
with his windmills.

-HAMMOND: I like 'em.
-They're noisy,
they're pointless.

HAMMOND: Oh, hello. Right.

"Your cars will now
be tested for faults

"by ADAC,
Germany's
equivalent of the AA."

They test them now, after
we've maxed them on the
autobahn, brilliant.

It won't hurt them.

Apparently one
of ADAC's mobile
patrols will arrive shortly.

So we're looking for a van.

-It'll be a van of some sort.
-That's all right, then.

CLARKSON: It was a van.

But this being Germany...

-It's got a reception, look.
-It has. [LAUGHS]

CLARKSON: The ADAC men
took charge of James's Merc.

-Guten Tag,Klaus.
-Hi.

Forwards!

[CLARKSON CHUCKLES]

What's wrong with the car?

His racing
gearbox is going well.

The equipment they had
in the van was extraordinary

and the tests
were very thorough.

They used a computer
to measure the boiling point

of the Merc's brake fluid

and a gizmo to check
the roundness of its tyres.

There's a laser
and everything.

It was doing quite well,
but then...

Oh, dear.

[SPEAKS GERMAN]

What a load of rubbish!

CLARKSON:
After this, things got worse.

[TYRE CLUNKING,
CLARKSON LAUGHING]

-I did 140 miles an hour.
-You did 140 miles an hour

and your wheels, nichtgood.

MAN: All very bad,
you have a lot of rust.

MAY: I felt it was time
I put these German chappies

straight on a few things.

[SPEAKING GERMAN]

CLARKSON: What was that
you just said
about Martin Brundle?

I was just saying, really,
how Martin Brundle said

that this was really the
finest rear-drive chassis
he'd ever driven.

He never said any...

-He did...
-He had one.

He did not say...

-Unluckily for you, mate...
-What?

...I have Martin
Brundle's number
on my telephone.

Well, he will
confirm that he said that
and that he had one.

-This,
he claimed, was the best...
-He famously said that.

-Hello? Martin?
-Hello?

-I'll talk to him.
-No, get off.

-Martin?
-Let me talk to him.

[LAUGHS]

Martin, morning, it's James
from Top Gear.
Hi, how are you?

Yeah, good,
are you somewhere exciting?

Well, I'm underneath
a Mercedes 190 Cosworth,
actually,

and the other two
won't believe me
when I say that you said

quite categorically
that this was the finest

rear-drive chassis
of any car in the world

and the best
you'd ever driven.

When did I say that?

I've had a few knocks on the
head but I don't
remember saying that.

I mean, it's not a bad engine
but, no,
it's really not that good.

You need the M3
for the best chassis

from around that time,
I would have thought.

That was always my belief,
that people believed
the M3 was better

and it sort of got this
folkloric reputation,

but everybody who knew what
they were talking about, i.e.
you,

Ayrton Senna, knew that
actually the Mercedes

-was the superior car.
-I don't remember
Ayrton getting out

and saying, "That is the best
rear-drive chassis
I've ever been in."

I think he got out and said,

"I'm really
pleased it thrashed Lauda
and Prost and all those guys."

Niki Lauda and
Alain Prost as well?
I didn't know that.

You don't need
to speak to him...

-I do need to speak to him.
-[PHONE BEEPS]

Martin? You've turned it off.

He's catching an aeroplane
to his second home.

CLARKSON: What did he say?

He confirmed everything I said
about him.

He also says,
"The engine is excellent

"and that the M3
was a mere shadow
of what this car was."

-Did he?
-That's what he said?

-That's what he said?
-Yes.

That's what he said?
Right, lower the car.

Next it was
the turn of my Cosworth.

[SPEAKING GERMAN]

Yeah!

-Good. Just making it plain.
-Okay.

I don't want him
to mark it down
because it's Belgian.

As it happens, the ADAC man
was impressed with my car.

Good?

-All good.
-All good!

[LAUGHING VICTORIOUSLY]

HAMMOND: But it
would now be humiliated
by the much younger M3.

I hate to say this,

'cause it's verging on
complementing you,
but your car

is now actually quite cool
and collectible,
whereas that is

-just something driven by...
-Imbeciles.

[SPEAKING GERMAN]

Best car? Sehr gut.Yeah.

-Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yes.
-No.

It is.

As it turned out, it wasn't.

Oh, crikey, look at that.
That's
the anti-roll bar, isn't it?

-Do you think it
had an accident?
-CLARKSON: Kaput.

[CACKLES]

CLARKSON: That's why you got
a different shock absorber.

It's been botched together.

It has clearly had a crash,
hasn't it?

Soon it was time
to get our scores.

And that's your Ford.

-The Ford.
-And the BMW. Thank you.

What would be
a good score on this?

-A new car would score,
a good car...
-150 points.

I will go first with my score.
Are we ready?

-Fifty-eight.
-Fifty-eight? That's good.

Nineteen.

-Nineteen?
-Mmm.

-That's not so good.
-No.

-CLARKSON: Hammond?
-Six.

[LAUGHS]

-He's not serious?
-Six?

Six, yes.

-Six?
-That's right.

-Variable.
-The Ford!

How have I only got six?

-The brake is very bad.
-Yeah.

Fifty-eight! That's a pass.

-Six?
-You may as well
have got nought.

-Would you say
the BMW is dangerous?
-Yes.

CLARKSON:
This had a dramatic effect
on the way Hammond drove.

HAMMOND: Six.

I don't know how
it could score less.

It would have to have,
like, wheels missing.

Or a tiger in it.

Tonight on First Gear,

Richard Hammond drives across
Germany in a death trap.

Hammond's mood wasn't improved
when he found out

where we'd be
staying the night.

You've got to be kidding.

CLARKSON: Yep!
Colditz is now a hotel.

Okay.

CLARKSON: The next morning,
James and Richard checked out

in the traditional fashion.

-Where have you two been?
-How did you get out?

I just used my credit card
at the reception desk.

I don't know why
they all didn't do that.

It wouldn't have
made for a very good
television series, would it?

Well,
they wouldn't have kept it up
for 28 episodes.

"Next week,
Major Pat Reid denies

"having watched the movie
that appeared on his bill."

CLARKSON: To Richard's
consternation, it was then
time for our track day.

And the producers
insisted we stuck
to track day etiquette

by wearing clothing from the
catalogues of the companies
that made our cars.

Holy moly!

-Ooh, that's daddy's.
-CLARKSON:
That's not a good look.

It says a lot about people
who drive
Mercedes Benzes, though.

It does, and do you know, as
of Monday morning,
I don't any more.

If there was
a fire around here,
imagine the melting...

Ah!

Now,
the most important challenge.

"Which of you has
the fastest track day car?"

-Uh...
-"To make sure
this test is fair,

"each of your
cars will be driven
by the same driver."

Yes!
I don't have to go out there
in the death trap because...

Oh yes, you do.

"You will be in
the passenger seat

"while the car is driven
by a tame racing driver."

-What, The Stig?
-No, he's not The Stig.

He's The Stig's German cousin.

Looks like The Stig to me.
Still The Stig...
Still The Stig...

-It is The Stig!
-MAY: No, hang on.

-Oh, my giddy aunt.
-Mullet.

MAY: I think it might be
Stiggy Ray Cyrus.

CLARKSON:
First up for Herr Stig
was the Mercedes.

No!

That doesn't sound good.

You've got to remember that
in the ADAC tests,
they revealed

that the steering
was a bit loose.

There's a lot of
play in the rack,
so just don't overdo it, okay?

Bloody hell!

To compensate for the Merc's
lack of power,

German Stig was
on maximum attack.

[WHISTLES]

So this is bigger
than the Nurburgring,
right, this track?

Must be, 'cause of the amount
of time it's
taken to get round.

-Must be like 35 miles.
-Yeah, must be.

You can feel the multi-link,
Martin Brundle-approved

rear suspension
hunkering down...

Get a grip, man!

It's 2 minutes 19.3,
and we've no idea
what that means.

But we'd soon find out,

because it was
time to lap the Ford.

And the Muscles from Brussels
is underway!

The Jean-Claude
Van Dammenator!

That rear
suspension is collapsed.

This is pure track day magic.

1,250 kilograms,
that's all it weighs,
the same as a Mini.

But it has 200 horsepower!

-So, this German Stig fella...
-Mmm.

Will he take well to Jeremy
shouting at him and stuff,
do you think?

He didn't take
any notice of me

when I told him
which gear to change into.

Who would?

This, remember,
is the car which has won

the British
Touring Car Championship,

the World Touring Car
Championship, the British
Rally Championship!

[CHUCKLES]

DasStig is a maniac!

Here he comes.

Wall, wall, wall.

Oh, this is going to be close.

Twelve, 13, 14...

Come on, let's have it.

-HAMMOND: Two...
-Yep.

-...14.
-Ooh-hoo-hoo!

Five seconds faster!

MAY: All that remained was to
lap Hammond's
crash-damaged death trap.

There are quite a lot of
right hand turns,
aren't there,

-in that first bit?
-Yeah.

You're really
putting a lot of stress
on the front left suspension.

-Exactly.
-If your car had had,
let's say,

an accident,
and had been mended cheaply

on the front left corner...

Stop talking.

Now, Herr Stig, there's one
important thing I
have to tell you

about this car
before we set off...

No, I didn't mean set off!

I haven't told you the thing!
What about the thing?

-Are you cold?
-No.

Careful we don't go right.
We're going right.

-You know what I'm
expecting to see?
-Uh...

Just the front wheel coming
across the line in about
two minutes' time.

Have we got... Oh, God!

But I'm just waiting to hear
the unmistakable sound
of metal snapping.

[WHIMPERING]

And the...of arterial blood.

Wall!

120 miles an hour in a car
that only scored six.

[CHEERING AND APPLAUSE]

HAMMOND: The board.
The points.

Here we go.

-Yes.
-What?

Well, come on, then, what was
the time for the...
What was the lap time?

I've forgotten.

-Tell me, what was it?
Come on.
-Seriously.

-What did he do it in?
-2:06.

Yes! Thank you
very much, I win that.

So, yeah, you get one point
for every second
underneath three minutes,

so 2:06...

-54 points...
-Oh, yeah!

...for you there.

Why is that 3:14?

HAMMOND: What?

Well, I did the lap in 2:14.

-But you see,
the producer disagrees.
-Why?

Well, it was that new producer
we've got,
the one from Uruguay.

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

Sorry, mate, he's right,
he didn't see one
of those minutes,

so you can't have it.

-It was on television!
-That's inadmissible.

-Doesn't count, sorry.
-This is ridiculous.

Bad luck. Moving on.

So that means my BMW
was the fastest
on the autobahn,

it was the most
spacious in that test

and then it put
in the fastest lap.

Well, I will now garner back
some points,

because it's
the YouTube section.

As we know,
people who go to track days,

they put a camera
on the dashboard,

they record their lap,
they put that lap on YouTube.

And we were told to do
the same thing, okay?

And then there would be
one point for
every hit we got.

James,
I believe now we have a clip
from your Mercedes lap?

Let's have a look at that now.

MAY: And we're off. A little
bit of tramping from
the axle there.

And I'm going to select fourth
as we come up

to the end of the straight,
and we go in to turn one.

As we go round turn one...
Oh...

Oh God.

As you can see,
there are
bollards on the circuit,

which is not what
I was expecting,

and must mean I've
gone the wrong way.

How can you get lost
on a racetrack, mate?

-I don't... I don't...
-It's one way.

I know, I don't understand it,
I'm sorry.

All right. So, let's have a
look, then, at a clip from
Jeremy's video, shall we?

CLARKSON: And coming up now
to the end of a lap.

I'm doing 195 miles an hour,

200,
210 miles an hour now, 220...

And across the line.

What? You just lied
and then sped up the film.

-A bit. A bit.
-Well, a lot!

Well, let's have
a look at your lap,
then, in the death trap.

-All right.
-Okay. Here we go.

HAMMOND: Vroom! Vroom! Vroom!

And listen to
that straight-six!

Vroom!

-You didn't take it out.
-No, I did, the camera broke.

-I did it properly...
-[CLUCKING]

Stop doing that.

-That's very annoying.
-You were a chicken.

No, I wasn't.
I did do a lap, the camera
broke, it just recorded sound.

Okay,
we've had those clips up now
for, what, a week?

-Yeah.
-How many hits did you get?

I got 71.

What?

Are you seriously suggesting
71 people...

-Why would you look at that?
-Why would 71 people...

Why do people feel compelled
to put themselves on it?

-71 points for you.
-Okay.

-I got 137.
-HAMMOND: Wow!

Hammond?

Seven.

[ALL LAUGHING]

-Seven?
-Seven, yeah.

Seven. That was pathetic.

Thinking back, I should have
misspelled M3 in the tag line
bit on the Internet.

What, 3M?

No, if I'd spelled it
"Angelina Jolie topless",

I'd have got more
hits than both of you
put together, but I didn't.

Anyway,
we then did an economy run
from Germany into Poland.

Sadly there isn't time tonight
to show you that.

The upshot was, though,
James ran out of petrol.

Therefore,
you get minus...141.

-Hang on.
-What?

I've got minus exactly
what I already had.

-Yes.
-Yeah. That's the rules,

-it happened to him once.
-It did.

That is the rules.
You're minus 141,
so you're currently on nought.

Er... I get 10 for that,
because I won in the Ford,

thanks to its two-litre engine

and you get five
for coming second.

-Yeah.
-Which means

we have just one
final challenge,
something to do with price,

I have it here.

So it's a two-horse race now.
It's either you or me
who's going to win.

-He's out.
-Oh, absolutely.

He is completely out.
He's on nought.

-Okay.
-So, here we go.

You get one
point for every pound

your car was under
the £5,000 budget.

So, hang on, mine cost £3,990,
so I get 1,010 points there!

Look at that! [CHUCKLES]

I like that. Go on, then,
how much did yours cost?

-4,999.
-So you get one point!

Which means,
clearly, I win that!
Thank you very much.

I may as well have just bought
a toy car.

If I was going to get the
prize, I would've got...
And then I'd have won!

Those are the rules and I win!
Thank you!

I'm delighted. And rightly so.

No!

I'm sorry.

I'm sorry.

If I may just take that from
you and ask you to
stand to one side,

because my car was £2,990,

meaning I have 2,010 points
straightaway there,

which I think you
will find makes me...

the winner.

[ALL CHEERING]

That's just silly.

That's just ridiculous.

Oi!
Are we honestly going to say,

on the world's
biggest motoring show,

to 350 million people,
that the best track day car

is a slow, rusty,

wobbly-wheeled,

small,
uneconomical piece of junk?

Yes. And on that bombshell,
it's time to say goodnight.

-Goodbye.
-Oh, this is just ridiculous.