Top Gear (2002–…): Season 14, Episode 6 - Episode #14.6 - full transcript

Hello, everybody.
Hello. Thank you.

Hello!

Hello and welcome
to a Top Gear special,

which tonight comes to you
from South America.

Yeah. The brief was simple.
Each of us would
be given a pittance.

And we were told we could buy
any car we liked

from a second-hand car website
in Bolivia.

Yeah. And the only
bit of advice we got,
rather worryingly,

was that it would be best
if we chose a car
with four-wheel drive.

We were then told
we would be
united with our cars

somewhere around here
in a place called Spidertown,



right in the middle
of the Amazon rainforest.

JEREMY: These are the views
that greeted us
from our helicopter.

Except they're not,

because the helicopter
booked for us had crashed.

That meant we had to
borrow these pictures

from Bruce
Parry's programme...

...and go to the start point
in a boat...

utterly
bewildered by everything.

- Look at that purple tree!

-The butterfly's more amazing.

No,
the purple tree's the best.

No! The butterfly
was the size of a bat.

Another crocodile over there.

It's not a crocodile,
it's a lump of wood.



Bird! Bird!

- We're close to the equator.
- We're very close.
Perhaps we're on it!

No,
we'd see a big dotted line.

JEREMY: And we weren't
the only fish out of water.

It jumped in the boat!
It jumped in the boat!

- In the boat!
- I've got it with my knife!

Ha-ha! Is that a piranha?

It's not a piranha,
they're long and thin.

- They're not!
- They are!

They're short and fat!

Oh, no, that's sharks.

JEREMY: Eventually, the boat
dumped the three worst
explorers in history

on a bank,
in the middle of nowhere...

and left.

Have we just been
abandoned here to die?

Whoa-whoa! What is it, what?

- Are those zips?!
- Well,
they're outdoor trousers.

- You can unzip the bottoms?!
- Yes!

I'm sorry,
on the kit front, chaps...
James, what's all this?

- That is my
belt of many things.
- Are these all...?

- What is that?
- Don't touch it.

That's a dental
healthcare kit.

- What's this?
- Don't touch it!

That is a shoe-polishing kit.

BOTH: What?!

A shoe-polishing kit.

Thank God for that(!) If we
get hungry, we can eat his
Kiwi boot polish!

Basically, what you've done
is buy a "My
First Explorer" kit,

- put it on your belt...
- Don't touch it.

Hammond then
revealed a little secret.

So all these insects,
where are they?

Why, are you
frightened of insects?

- Yeah.
- Are you?

- Yeah.
- Really?

Don't mess about.
Seriously, I am.
It's a phobia.

It's like you and heights.

It's not you're
scared of falling off,
it's a phobia.

- JEREMY: You are scared of
heights.

- This is the same,
it's a phobia.

- I just don't...
- What's yours?

Phobia?
Manual labour, you know that.

That's not a phobia,
that's just bone idleness.

Rubbish!

That's not a clinical thing,
that's just cos you're lazy.

JAMES: Since we
didn't know what to do,
we sat down and did nothing.

I'm sure there's
spiders in here.
There will be.

- Ssh!
- What?

- Is that...
- Uh-oh.

...in harmony with nature?

Stop playing ethnic tunes.

- Boys...
- Cars.

JEREMY:
Plainly, there had been
a terrible mix-up

because one of
the cars on the raft
was a little Suzuki.

None of us would
have been that daft.

But then we remembered...
James was with us.

- 1.3 litre...
- 1.3 litre!

...wine-bar specials. Famous
for being able to stay on
their own four wheels...

No, no, no. Falling over.

I presume, then, the
Land Cruiser, by power of
deduction, is yours.

Yes, it is. Correct choice,
everyone will agree.

And you have, if my eyes
are not deceiving me,
a Range Rover.

The best 4 x 4,
by far, as we know.

I had one of those.

- Yeah, classic.
I had one as well.
- Yeah.

- Did yours ever...work?
- No.

How is that raft
steering itself?

There's a little
boat behind it, look.

RICHARD: The driver of the
little boat pushed the raft
vaguely near the bank...

Right. Well, we can get...
No, don't do that,
we need to get it...

...and then went home.

- Is that him just gone?
- Yep.

Oi! You haven't parked it!

JEREMY: We tried to pull the
raft nearer to the bank,
but it was very difficult.

- Heave!
- It's not moving!

So we gave up.

That's it, lads.
Up the gang plank.

Ow! There's a thing there!

We are good.
It's like literally
being with Livingstone...

- Yeah.
- ...and...

(THEY LAUGH)

Do you want a hand up?

- Help!
- Probably quite painful!

It was. But don't worry,
I'm all right.

JAMES: Eventually, even
Indiana Clarkson was on board

so we could get our first look
at what we'd bought

from the Bolivian classifieds.

Notoriously long-lived,
sturdy,
reliable, small, agile.

What did it say in the advert
in the Bolivian Auto Trader?

I'll tell you what it did show
in the picture -
that it was blue.

(THEY LAUGH)

Did it say,
in the advert, that all
four tyres would be pumped up?

No. (LAUGHS)

- Oh, bloody hell!
- We did buy
these long-distance.

JAMES: The only thing saggier
than my tyre was
Hammond's roof.

It wasn't always
a convertible, was it?

No, it's been converted
to a convertible.

It's been
converted by somebody
who is, A, of Spanish descent

and, B, a communist.

RICHARD:
It's a tasty car all round.
I'm very pleased.

I like the see-through...
I like this.

The window's not here,
it's here,
and there's no winder.

I don't need one, it's hot.

JEREMY: To demonstrate
what fools
the others had been,

I showed them
the beating heart
of my mighty Range Rover.

Behold, gentlemen,
the 3.9 litre V8 engine.

Ahem...

- ...3.9, yeah?
- 3.9.

They had injection,
didn't they,
Hammond, the 3.9?

Yes. All of them
were fuel-injected.

What are those on top?

- I believe
they're carburettors.
- They look like carburettors.

- (BLEEP) They
are carburettors.
- They are carburettors, yeah.

That can't be a 3.9,
mate, that's a 3.5!

- It said in
the advert is was a 3.9!
- It said mine was blue.

OK, so there's some issues.

- You'll be
opening the bonnet a lot.
- I won't.

You will!
That's what killed these off,
globally. Why does everywhere,

all over the world,
anywhere
inhospitable and difficult,

use a Toyota Land Cruiser?

First Aztec bird
we come across,

she'll make
a beeline for me in this.

Yeah, OK(!)

JEREMY: We could've
continued arguing,
but we had to leap ashore...

Well, come on, then.

...because our
challenge had arrived.

Thank you very much.

OK.
It says, "You are in Bolivia,

"and you will drive to the
Pacific Ocean,
which is 1,000 miles away."

- So we have to
go 1,000 miles...
- There's a jungle in the way.

JEREMY: And the jungle
would just be the start of it,

because on our journey
we'd have to
negotiate active volcanoes,

utterly lifeless deserts
and perilous mountain passes.

But, before all that,
we had to get our
cars off the raft,

which, as you can plainly see,
would not be easy.

Clearly!

Oh, come on!

Trying to move the raft
soon led to a problem.

Holy moly!

I am sinking.

RICHARD: Yeah.
It's getting deeper!
Pull yourself out.

I cannot pull myself out.

Every time
the bubbles come out,
you go in deeper.

- I know!
- That's brilliant!

Oh, God, no.

(THEY LAUGH)

As I sank into the ooze,

my colleagues became
increasingly concerned.

- His plums are in the Amazon,
look!
- (THEY LAUGH)

Go and get
a rope or something,
just to tie around my waist.

All right,
we'll get something.

Eventually,
and rather reluctantly,

they decided to pull me out
with my Range Rover.

- Hammond!
- Yes!

What are you bloody doing?

- You want
a proper knot, don't you?
- No!

Just any old knot.

Will it start?

(ENGINE STALLS)

Oh.

- (ENGINE STALLS)
- Start!

You brought the wrong car.

- (ENGINE STARTS)
- Ah-ha-ha!

Backwards!

Pull. Pull.

- You coming up?
- Yes! Oh, yes!

- Ow!
- Say when.

- Here we go.
- Yes.

- Ow, my arm parts.
- Does it loosen off?

Yes. Stop, stop, stop.

- Stop.
- So,
as we can see, my car's best.

Well,
it didn't let you down there,
when it really mattered.

Trying to move the raft
had resulted in nothing more

than some muddy tidemarks
on my trousers.

My jeans are ruined!

And so, with half the day
gone, we had to come up
with a new plan.

You know,
in the Second World War,
when a submarine was grounded?

When it had hit the bottom?

They used to get the crew
to run backwards and forwards

and it would sort
of shuffle it along.

Are you suggesting
we run backwards and forwards?

No, no, no! Use the cars.

If we go right to
the back of the boat,

that weighs the back down
and lifts the front up.

We then charge forward. The
act of doing that
will shuffle the boat

- nearer to that bank.
- That's a good idea!

All we needed to do, then,
was back our cars up a bit.

- Oh, no...
- Hammond!

Has anybody got
any jump leads?

- You're joking.
- It won't start.

Just want to get this
completely clear again.

Range Rover - starting,
working well.
Already saved a man's life.

Land Cruiser - broken down.

Oh, smoke, smoke, smoke!
Quite a lot of smoke.

- Something's on fire!
- The starter
motor's burnt out.

Despite using
the correct technique,

Hammond couldn't
get his car going.

It's on fire again!

And so, with the sun sinking,
I offered to help.

Why don't we simply attach it
to the back of the Range Rover

and I'll give you
a pull from here?

Because I'd
rather drown myself,
but, yeah, it's... All right!

(HIGH-PITCHED BUZZING)

What's that noise?

- Insects!
- Massive insects.

Millions of them.

- Just hurry up, quickly!
- All right, move forwards.

Mind your head!

As the light faded,

we lined up for
the most ambitious
jump-start in history.

JAMES: And...stop.

JEREMY: Three, two, one, go!

- Sorry!
- What did you do that for?!

My brakes aren't very good!

- Did it work?
- No.

Try again!

- What happened?
- Nothing.

JAMES: And...stop.

Three, two, one, go.

JEREMY: Try again!
That's the good thing
about Range Rovers,

they can do this all night.

RICHARD: Yes, yes.
When this thing
starts, it'll be brilliant.

JEREMY: The morning light
revealed our progress.

Sitrep... Everything we tried
in the night didn't work.

But we have found peanuts.

JEREMY: Rather embarrassingly,
James then
discovered something.

These planks are longer than
that one we've been
falling down constantly.

If you get in here, Hammond,
and grab
the other end of this...

- Are they long enough to...?
- Two together will.

JAMES: Soon, we had a ramp
and our first car was
ready to disembark.

JEREMY:
Watch the long-haired man.

- RICHARD:
Let's see his back wheels on.
- JAMES: Don't stand there.

JEREMY:
Do you want us to help you?
You're all right.

RICHARD:
You're all right this side.
You're all right!

Yes!

- JAMES: Oh, no!
- JEREMY: Four-wheel drive!

It is four-wheel drive,
you halfwit.

Well, why are the front wheels
not doing anything?

- Don't tell me
they don't work!
- Try again!

- Say when...
- (CRUNCH)

That's not good!

RICHARD: That's stuck now.

The whole weight of James's
three-wheel drive Suzuki

was resting on our ramp.

So we had to
build another one.

- You're all right.
- Right.

Range Rover,
British engineering,
don't let me down.

Tiny tickle the left.

Poo is coming out.

Here we go!

Now that's what I call
four-wheel drive!

Having rescued
a man from the ooze,

the mighty Range
Rover would now
rescue the Suzuki.

There's only an ounce to pull.

Please be gentle
with this, Jeremy,
and not a yob.

Power!

- Got him.
- Stop, stop, stop!

JEREMY: Yes, that's it!

What a pillock!

JEREMY: I then lined up
to pull the brakeless,

powerless
Toyota down the ramp.

We were supposed
to be averaging
100 miles a day.

So far, we've done
- well, I've done -
about 20 feet.

Ready?

- No.
- Right, he's ready.

- Gently.
- Oh, dear God.

Go.

Stop!

(RICHARD LAUGHS NERVOUSLY)

Finally,
we were all off the raft,

and as a reward, the producers
gave us a box of things

to help us survive
the perils that lay ahead.

Chainsaw.
That's good, that's useful.

- What is this?
- I know what that is,
that's a winch.

Some rubber tubing.

- Durex.
- Condoms?

Vaseline.
Tampax...and...Viagra.

I know we're gonna be in the
jungle together,
but that's a bit extreme.

What kind of party
are they planning?

JEREMY: We loaded up
the Ann Summers box...

JAMES: Power!

...jump-started
Hammond's car...

- Yee-ha!
- JEREMY: Is that working?

Now you're gonna see!

Go! Fire it up! Jungle!

...and got cracking.

The jungle was
a worthy adversary.

(DRAMATIC MUSIC)

Oh!

But for hour after hour,
we battled our way through.

Yah! Do you want more?

This is your marker!

- Rainforest. Shit.
- Good job!

Ahh!

Guys...I left my phone
down by the river.

Oh, God.

- Dipstick.
- I'm going to
have to go and get it.

Just wait here,
I'll go get it.

RICHARD: Take care.

Oh! Oh, mate.
Finally,
we are making progress.

- Hammond!
- Yeah?

Did I leave it on that rock?

No, it was on the stump
I tied the raft to.
Just by the rock.

- OK, got it!
- OK.

- Got it.
- Good.

Let's move!

Now we're making progress,
let's keep up the momentum.

JEREMY: Soon,
we found a logging track,

where finally we could
get to know our cars.

Time to find out
what is working
on my Range Rover.

All these dials in the middle,
made by Smiths - so, no.

Speedo - no.

The Range Rover was designed
by a man called
Charles Spencer King,

who was,
no question, a genius.

Unfortunately,
it was then made
in the Midlands.

Just "that'll do".
Everything was "that'll do".

An unbelievable
piece of design,
ruined by minkies.

That said, however,

I seem to have bought the only
1980s Range Rover in
the world that works.

Given that Land Cruisers are
legendarily
reliable and bulletproof,

this one isn't.

Oil pressure gauge - not
working. Temperature
gauge - not working.

Fuel gauge...dunno.

Brakes not working.

That makes this
one more special.

I have bought
the only malfunctioning
Land Cruiser in the world.

And it is unique and
therefore, I think,
probably priceless.

JAMES:
Sure, my Suzuki only had
three-wheel drive,

but I wasn't going to let
that tiny
detail spoil the day.

You're probably
looking at this Suzuki
and thinking,

"It's small and comical, it's
a toy off-roader,
it's for hairdressers,"

and all the rest of it, but
I'll tell you what it
is - it's plucky.

It's a bit like
Finland in the war.

Look at Jeremy's Range Rover
lumbering along,

this great, heavy beast of
burden. This is like
a little mountain goat,

-it just skips along.
-JEREMY ON RADIO: May?

Talk of the devil.
...Hello.
Just to let you know,

one of your rear
lights is hanging off,
but it's OK,

I can mend it for you
with the small
Phillips on my belt.

The voice there of
the missing member
of Van Halen.

JEREMY: Darkness fell,
but the temperature didn't.

How can it be this
hot at midnight?!
How's that possible?!

Hammond, however, had more
to worry about than the heat.

Ow! What the (BLEEP) is that?

Oh! There's something in here
squeaking at me, I'm...
Oh, ho!

Bleurgh! Ah!

Oh! Oh! What is that?!

Oh! (BLEEP).

I can't stand that!
I can't stand that!
I've gotta get out!

Blashford-Hammond insisted
we made camp,

where, to cheer him up,
I read some bedtime stories.

This is a book
about all the creatures
that live in the rainforest

that Mr Sting
hasn't told us about.

Would you like to
hear about the...
Brazilian wandering spider?

Not really, no.

"Causes around five
human fatalities a year...

"Lives on the forest floor."

(SCREECHING)

What is that?

Head torch. I'm looking for...
What's it called?
Wandering spider.

Ooh, the botfly.
Now,
this is a marvellous thing.

"The botfly cannot
sting a human directly,

"but catches smaller insects,

"lays its larvae upon them
and then releases them.

"If the smaller host insect
then bites the human,

"the botfly larvae are
impregnated into the skin.

"The larvae then pupates
inside the skin,

"at which point
they eat their way out
and fly away.

"The BBC Natural History Unit
reports the case of a man

"who was bitten behind the ear
and kept awake at night

"by the sound of the botfly
larvae eating the flesh
inside his head."

Hammond didn't
have a good night.

RICHARD: What's that?
Argh! Argh!
Stick insect!

Honestly, there's
big things on my head!
Oh, what is that?!

There's something
just flew in my hair
and it's squeaking at me!

It's big! It's really...

JEREMY: And, to be honest,
he didn't have
a great morning, either.

Who has done this?!

To get away from
the creepy-crawlies,
I sought refuge in my car.

OK...

Guys?

JEREMY: Ooh.
There is
a snake in your car(!)

He's coming up here.
He's coming up here.

It's known locally as
"the big,
vicious killer snake".

Thanks(!)

JEREMY: Our raggedy
convoy hit the trail
with Hammond still moaning.

- Who's got my trouser leg?
- Has your trouser
leg gone missing?

We soldiered on
with the Range Rover
up front, forging a path

through the dense jungle.

Look at it -
rescuing other cars,
ploughing through here.

My sweat being
soaked up by the velour!

But soon,
the strain of point duty
began to show.

This is now
smelling hot, this car.

I can smell
Jeremy's Range Rover
from back here.

It smells of imminent failure.

I was right.

Range Rover's
just stopped working.

(THUD)

That honestly wasn't very
funny three series ago,
and really isn't funny now.

I'm not doing it on purpose.

No, I haven't got any brakes.
That's how I stop.

Oh, dear! Oh! Oh, no. It's...
James, it's over-heated.

- JAMES:
What a rotten bit of luck.
- JEREMY: Missing! Broken!

Your fault! Because I have
been forging a path
through this stuff.

Bamboo has gone into it,
broken my fan and now my
engine's overheating.

The plucky Brit
has wounded itself
helping you out.

Your plucky British car has
been defeated by...
What was it? ...bamboo?

How did it get
in there, anyway?

What sort of design is that

if a piece of
bamboo can get in there
and break the fan?

- If...
- Bamboo?!

Without this,
would you still
be on the boat?

Yes, you would.
Yes. You would still
be on the river bank.

This is the hero of the day.

Hang on. No, no...

JEREMY: We passed the time by
bickering until the engine
had cooled down.

- I love the V8 rumble.
- It's nice.

It's very mighty.

(ENGINE STARTS AND ROARS)

Yes!

The mighty Spitfire is down
but not out.

We battled on
through the undergrowth.

There, that's a gear.

Did that without
breaking anything.
Whoa!

(CLUNKING)

Eventually,
Hammond and May stopped...

(THUD!)

RICHARD: Sorry!

...because we had reached
a small gully.

- That's pretty steep.
- What?

That's a bit of a...gully,
I think they call it.

I'm just going to drive down
and up the other side.

No. You can't.

What is the biggest strength
with the Range Rover?

The wheel hits the bottom
before the front of the car.

If you look at
a Porsche Cayenne
or your car,

there's about 18ft of car
in front of the wheels.

This car cannot do that.
It won't make that return...

- Go down. You two...
- ...that angle,
it won't do it.

...stand back.

Watch and learn.

If you believe
something will happen,
it will happen.

Low range. That was reverse.

Pointless handbrake off...

- (CRUNCH!)
- Oh, Lord.

Oh, brilliant. Yeah,
so you're now stuck in a hole.

Just lock the diffs.
Just... Just...

RICHARD: You great,
dozy, woolly-haired pillock.

- It's going to
need winching out.
- I knew that a while back.

I fired up
the winch on my Suzuki.

James, winch me up.

- (WINCH WHIRS)
- Is it moving?

- JAMES: It's coming.
- JEREMY:
Yeah, it's trying hard.

Come on!

JEREMY: It is coming free.

RICHARD: Guys?
JEREMY: Oh, my God.

- Uh, James...
- It won't stop.

(CLUNK)

That didn't work.

- Go on, then. Drive it out.
- It won't drive out.
It just won't.

JEREMY:
Mystic Hammond was right.

(TYRES SPIN)

(CLUNK)

- Oh...
- JAMES: That nearly worked.

At last, my Toyota
could regain some dignity.

First pulling out the Suzuki
and then
the idiot's Range Rover.

Whoa! I'm hanging.

Look at my little donkey
pulling the Range Rover out.
(CHUCKLES)

We realised we'd have to
build a bridge,

which made one of
us very excited.

JEREMY:
I am the god of hellfire.

Has he got a chainsaw?

(MOTOR STARTS)

Oh, yes!

Oh, God!

RICHARD: We set about
building our bridge.

And since James had the
lightest car, Jeremy and I
decided he should go first.

JEREMY: I declare this ready,
steady, strong.
Get in your car, drive over.

Left!

(CREAKING)

Looks like your
back wheels are...
beautiful, actually.

- You're about
right from this side.
- Looking good.

RICHARD: What James really
needed at this point

was clear
instructions from us two.

If anything,
a little bit of left.
Little bit left, James.

I'm sorry.
On this side,
I would say not left.

Do you want left or right?

James,
what I'd do at this point
is power.

Maximum power.

- You're going to
need to engage...
- There you go. There you go.

(ENGINE REVS)

RICHARD: Now we're talking.

Eventually,
the three-wheel drive Suzuki
made it.

So then, as night fell,
it was Jeremy's turn,

in the much heavier
and much wider Range Rover.

- (LOUD CREAKING)
- Whoa!

Left hand down.
Just think of it, Jeremy,

as going on
the outer log, on this side.

- It's not looking
good from where I am.
- RICHARD: No, I imagine not.

I can't see the back wheel.

- Uh...
- It's all right.
Keep going...I think.

You're about to touch down.

- Nice work!
- Ohhh.

God Almighty, that was scary.
(CHUCKLES)

As I lined up, it was almost
completely dark.

JEREMY: Hammond, I'm afraid
we simply can't see anything.

We don't know.

- JEREMY: Left a bit.
- This is quite frightening.

JAMES: Stop.

- Stop.
- Oh, I've got no brakes!

Hang on. Hang on.

JEREMY: Come on.

- (CRUNCH)
- Whoa!

Right, you've got
the front wheels on,
mate.

Make it so.
Let's see if this is as good.

Lovely.

(CHUCKLES) Oh,
that feels good. Hah!

We drove on through the night

with the charms
of the rainforest
starting to wear quite thin.

It is extraordinary,
if you think about it,

in South America, there are
no elephants, kangaroos,

lions, hyenas, honey badgers.

There's nothing
interesting at all.
It's all just insects

designed to make you have
a debilitating,
agonising death.

I'd love to know
how hot this engine is.

Very, is what I'm thinking.

So when we made
camp that night,

I decided to cut
some vents in the bonnet.

- RICHARD:
Jeremy, my car's on fire.
- Well, put beer on it.

I've only got so much!

There's a fire
extinguisher in the car.

- You set my car on fire.
- I haven't got my glasses.

Pull the bloody pin out.
You burned my Toyota!

Thank you(!) Yeah.

(SIGHS)

Right, day three... Four!

(CHUCKLES)

Ugh. Ugh, it clings.

It... Ugh!

OK.

Ladies and gentlemen,
David Lee Roth
in the morning - here he is.

James?

- (RICHARD SNIGGERS)
- What we've done...
Don't do that.

What we've done
is accidentally
camped on a road.

- (ENGINE SPLUTTERING)
- Who's this bloke on a bike?

- Morning.
- Buenos dias.

- Morning.
- Morning.

He's got to go to work
and we're camping on the A1.

Yup.

I can't remember if I took
my malaria pill this morning.

If I were a girl,
I'd be pregnant a lot.

If you're watching this
in Smell-O-Vision,

viewers, then I apologise

because the smell in
here is disgusting.
It's me.

I absolutely reek!

Luckily, we then got a shower.

(THUNDER RUMBLES)

Well, one of us did.

- Hammond?
- Yes. What?

How wet are you getting
in this rain?

It's not bad, actually.

It's quite a lot wetter here.

How can the rain be
heavier over there
that it is over here?

That's a river.

It was indeed a river,
and one that
we'd have to cross,

which meant that
we'd have to use stuff
from the Ann Summers chest

to waterproof our cars.

Right. These are condoms.

Do you two need some
time to yourselves?

- Have you got those Tampax?
- Wh...wh...what?!

- What are you planning?
- Look,
I'll tell you my big problem.

It's my fuel filler cap.
If water gets in there,
I know...

You're in a lot of trouble.

If I put a Tampax in there,

it will expand widthways,
and I've seen the adverts.

Then I'll be able
to go rollerblading
with a poodle

or drive a Range
Rover through a river
in the Amazon delta.

(THUNDER RUMBLES)

James was suspiciously skilful
with the Vaseline
and the condoms.

And soon, we were ready
to enter the river.

(HUMS)

Now, do I follow in
Hammond's wheel marks

on the basis that we know
how deep it is,

or do I think,
"He's an incompetent
fool," and go somewhere else?

As it turned out,
I was an incompetent fool.

That's looking deep!

Oh-ho!

Please, keep going,
little donkey! Swim!

Swim...swim...

There you go.

This is when, suddenly,
the Land Cruiser
comes into its own.

Yeah, there's maybe more
comfortable things that
will get you there,

but the Land Cruiser
will always get you home.

JEREMY: Meanwhile...

It's stopped!

Agh!
Water's coming into my car.

JAMES: Oh!

This caused
problems for James.

You're going to have to go
round the outside.

Straight ahead there.
I'll tell you
when to go right hand down.

Good. There!

JAMES: Oh, God!

Cock!

RICHARD: Good, good.
That's two.
Good, good. OK.

Why did you tell me to go...?
Why did I listen to you,
you imbecile?!

JEREMY: Rather than
accept another winch
from the Toyota,

the Range Rover decided
to start on its own...

- (ENGINE STARTS)
- Ha-ha!

(JEREMY GUFFAWS)

...thus removing the obstacle
James had been trying to
avoid when he got stuck.

As far as I can work out,
he's dragging it even deeper.

Oi, it's floating.

There's a lot of
bubbles came out
of your petrol-filler cap.

- That's just air.
- But they've been
replaced with water.

This whole episode
made James very angry.

If you hadn't tried to be
clever and if your car
wasn't so unreliable,

I wouldn't have had to go
round the outside

in my small off-roader,
and I wouldn't have sunk.

Unreliable?!

- Which one's
got the engine on?!
- It stalled! It stalled!

- It started again.
- Mine will start again.

The rainforest
is just getting worse.

But I'll tell you something,
if you look over there,

would you not think
it's getting thinner?

It was,
and soon, our battered cars
emerged from the trees.

At last, we were out of
the spider-infested sweatbox.

But ten minutes later,
James and Richard
wished they were back in it.

Oh, God!

Stop it!

Just answer me this simple
question - how comfortable are
you two right now?

Do you know,
it's absolutely lovely.

It's like a big feather
mattress. I really am - oh,
yeah - relaxing. Yeah.

Oh, Jesus!

That'll have broken James's
spine. There'll be two Ted
Nugents in a minute.

Oh, I'm so sick of that noise!

Stop rattling at me!

# Oh, Grace
You're getting away with it

# Words,
but nothing to say with it

# You smile and
take what you need

# In any way that you please

# Isn't it a shame?

# Grace,
you're getting away with it

# Nothing to get in my way...
#

JEREMY: We spent the night in
a town where there were
baths and bedrooms

and then we hit
the road once more.

Oh, here we are.
This is cocaine country.

Kate Moss's delicatessen.

Obviously we can't simply
drive through this region

without registering our
disgust at the violent,
reprehensible drugs trade

that brings misery
to so many millions.

May, have you seen
what Hammond has
written on his car?

Yeah,
I don't think he's understood
what we're trying to do here.

Hammond, are you feeling
ashamed of yourself?

ON RADIO: There was an
opportunity and I took it.
That was quite good thinking.

But what about
the untold misery
to millions?

Untold misery to millions?!
Are the ratings
really that good?

(CHUCKLES)

As we left town,
we started to climb

and that was a problem
for the Range Rover.

Every time we go up any form
of gradient,
for any period of time,

the engine gets very,
very warm.

Still nothing's working
apart from the de-mist.

Soon the engine became so hot,
I had to get radical.

The scope of my
engineering genius
literally knows no bounds.

Because, as you can see,
the vents I cut in the bonnet

are now windows.

So I can see where I'm going,
the engine is cool.
All is well.

Sooner or later,
Jeremy has to admit

that the Range Rover
isn't working properly.

We were now only
110 miles from La Paz,

but between us and it was
the Camino de la Muerte -

Death Road -
the most dangerous
highway in the world.

Over the years, the sheer,
unguarded drops have claimed
hundreds of lives.

And to make matters worse,
Captain Terrified-of-Heights

didn't really have
the car for the job.

- James?
- Yes.

I don't know about
the rear suspension
design on a Suzuki.

The shock
absorber is traditionally
attached at both ends.

That's not absorbing shocks.
It's bouncing
around on the spring.

That does affect your control
quite badly,
not having a shock absorber.

I'm glad you said
that up here, Hammond,
on me favourite road.

- Hang on, before you go.
- What?

I genuinely don't
like heights. OK?

It's my biggest failing...
among many, I accept.

You know the "you drive into
the back of my car and it's
very funny" joke?

Oh, you want me
to drive into him?

No. I'll cut your (BLEEP) head
off. You will need
a beep there, BBC Two.

- I can understand that.
- Seriously...

JEREMY ON RADIO:
Er, my car is perfect

in every way,
apart from it not starting.

So could you, um, if you
wouldn't mind, push me?
A little bit?

So you want me to push your
car with my car,
now, on this road here?

Yes. There's no alternative.

OK, well, here I come.
Careful, careful, careful...

(BUMPERS CRUNCH)

Oh, it wasn't as careful
as it could have been.
Sorry. (SNIGGERS)

JEREMY: Pretty soon, we saw
why the road had
earned its name.

God Almighty, that is high!

That is a massive,
massive drop!

- This is insane.
- (HORN TOOTS)

Whoa! The grasses stick up
and you don't necessarily see

what a long way down it is,
then you get one of
those little gaps...

and you just see down
and it is a long way.

There's one there.

JEREMY:
The dust didn't help, either.

Oh, gee. Look at that.
That's narrow.

- (LORRY HORN BLARES)
- Jesus H...

(LAUGHS NERVOUSLY)

I don't know what I'm doing. I
don't understand
the rules on this road.

You seem to drive one minute
on the left,
one minute on the right.

Sometimes the lorry
stops to let you go
through. Sometimes they don't.

Some lorries pull over,
others come
barrelling up behind you

doing three-and-a-half times
the speed of sound.

It's completely baffling.

- JAMES: Thank you.
- (HORN TOOTS)

I'm coming up
against the truck.
I've got to go past him,

and that means
going on that side.

(HORN BLARES)

Looking straight ahead...

(SIGHS) ...breathe...

JEREMY: Moments later,
James slowed down
to let a mad local get past...

(HORN TOOTS)

Does that mean
there's one of those
maniacal taxi drivers?

...and I didn't.

- (CRUNCH)
- Oh, God.

- JEREMY: Sorry...
- (BLEEP)

- I was watching the taxi.
- You're going to
get macheted to death.

- I was watching the taxi!
- I don't care.
I did warn you.

Did I or did I not warn you?

James is killing Jeremy,
but things are going well.

- I was watching the taxi.
- You weren't.

I was watching the taxi.

Did your
co-presenter just attack you
with a machete?

Yes, he did.
He was quite cross,
cos I ran into him.

That doesn't happen on clothes
programmes or gardening shows.

RICHARD: As we climbed higher,
life in
the already battered Toyota

became truly terrifying.

That's my steering.
I'm inches from death...there!

The steering wheel
doesn't do anything.

My brakes stick on
when I'm going uphill
and cause the clutch to slip.

I can't breathe
because the dust gets in.

- (HORN BLARES)
- Oh, God!
That's real fear now.

Going downhill, the same
brakes that stick on going
uphill, don't stop me.

Ugh!

JAMES: The Suzuki too
was showing the strain.

(BLEEP)

(GROANS)

What is the matter?

It's got dirt in
the fuel system
from the river.

- So it's broken?
- It's not broken.

Occasionally,
a bit of it goes through.

Your simple,
cheap car is broken.

(HORN BLARES)

JEREMY: Sticking to the code
of the Top Gear brotherhood,

I left James and
Richard behind.

Just goes to show, they're
badly-made, these Japanese
cars. They're badly-made.

RICHARD: James and I decided
to stick together.

RICHARD: He's never going to
go round us. My God, he is.

That's insane. (CLEARS THROAT)

Right. I'm in a ditch.

Um...OK.

Yeah. I didn't see this.

Whoa-ho! What a thing to miss.

Right.

No biggie,
though, because my colleague
would winch me out in a jiffy.

- JAMES: Hold on.
- RICHARD: What?

The winch isn't working.

I'm now all on my
own on Death Road.

I have no idea where Ray Mears
and Ted Nugent are.

They've just disappeared. We
have no phones.
They're not on the radio.

They could be dead.

RICHARD: We would, in fact,
be dead quite soon,

judging by the mood
of the angry, stuck locals.

- Good luck.
- Thank you.

Handbrake off, etc.

The ditch is
going to level out
so it'll be fine.

There you go.

What a nice man.

Soon, though,
I wished I'd
stayed in the ditch

because
the Toyota had developed
yet another fault.

Something's broken
on that back corner.

This is pretty close
to undriveable now.

Christ!

JEREMY:
Meanwhile, very far ahead...

I'm now 5,500
feet above sea level
and still climbing.

Oh, God, crosses.

A lot of crosses there.

And then,
underneath a waterfall,

I learned why
there were so
many crosses up here.

Oh, my God.

No.

Oh, my...

Stop there!

That is going. That is going.

- (CREAKING)
- Bloody hell.

(EXHALES SHARPLY)

RICHARD:
We were still miles back.

It was almost dark and,
worse still,

James's alternator
wasn't charging the battery.

By how much is running your
car with headlights
on going to shorten

the life of the battery
and then kill the engine?

I don't know exactly,
but by quite a bit.

They're already
getting a bit dim,
to be honest.

God, this is murder.

RICHARD: Pretty soon,
the inevitable happened.

My car is now dead
and without a new battery.

RICHARD: Since the alternator
was one of the few things
working on the Toyota,

I swapped my live battery
for James's dead one.

I think it was
pretty good of me
to donate my battery to you.

- Yes, it was.
- Yes, it was.

This time,
you're not going to run
with your lights on.

No, OK. We'll use the torches.

- Hang on a minute.
- Strap a couple to the front.

OK, I've waited till nightfall
here at the summit
of the Death Road.

My colleagues aren't here,
which means they must be dead.

I've therefore made them
these, I think,
rather touching memorials.

JAMES:
With the torches fitted,

this was my
view of Death Road.

Hammond, I want to say
something to you that I
wouldn't say at any other time

RICHARD: What?

Please don't leave me.

Oh, God, those words
are gonna stay
with me for a bit.

I'll struggle
to get over that.
No, I won't.

JEREMY: The next morning,
we were all
reunited in La Paz,

the world's highest
and worst capital city.

But as we waited for
our next instructions,

the mood was frosty.

- JEREMY: Are you ready?
- No.

La Paz...

I still haven't
forgiven you as such.
You know that, don't you?

It's not like we're
being all matey now

and have
forgotten you abandoned us
to die, just so you know.

I couldn't go back to the
hotel, eat a pepper steak,
have a beer,

and go to bed
feeling good about myself

- if I'd just left
my mates behind...
- I had to go to bed.

RICHARD: Then tell your mates
the pepper steak
wasn't very good.

I thought you were dead.

- I had a simple ceremony for
you.

- Then what did you do?
You went on.

- JEREMY:
I said kind words about you.
- What are we doing? Come on.

"Between La Paz
and the Pacific Ocean,

"there is the Altiplano, where
the altitude will
cause you to have

"a pulmonary oedema.

"Then there's the Andes
where you'll have
a cerebral oedema.

"And then
the Atacama which is 50 times
drier than Death Valley.

"It has never rained.
It is
the driest place on Earth

"and there is no life,
not even bacteria."

JEREMY: Given that
our lungs and brains
would explode in the deserts

and mountains
that lay between us
and the Pacific,

we decided to
modify our cars a bit.

So it was time
to find a workshop
and cue the music.

(ROUSING MUSIC)

Have you got "Spider In Car"
for Hammond?

You can't see
through the window!

Stick to hammers.

That's
the precision tool board.
The hammer lives elsewhere.

JEREMY:
The next day, we left La Paz
well prepared

for the trials that lay ahead.

So,
I've lifted the Land Cruiser,
obviously, very simply.

Gives me room for the bigger,
wider tyres I need
for the desert sand.

Roll cage for safety,
obviously.

Then to get rid of
some of the weight,
I've lost the doors

because they were
steel and very heavy,

the roof and anything else
I didn't need.

What I've done to
prepare for the desert

is team a rather
fetching hooded cardigan

with some old combat trousers
and some big wheels on my car.

JEREMY:
Wow, James has been busy.

Woo, yes.

You've modified that, mate.

As you can see, what I've done
with my car is mended it.

JAMES: The modifying brothers
were very pleased
with their results.

- Yeah!
- Ah!

- This is good,
I'm liking this.
- Loving this!

JAMES: But after a few miles,
the smiles had gone.

Hammond,
I've made my car worse.

- How?
- It won't ride properly

and the tyres are catching
on the wheel arches.

And it's got no
power any more.

Oh, God.
I am having to work my engine
quite hard.

The problem is, you put bigger
wheels on, it has
the effect of gearing it up.

First gear is like
starting in third,
it's hard work.

The long and the short of it,
I've rather ruined it.

James has just overtaken me
in his 1oz box.

(RICHARD LAUGHS)

JEREMY ON RADIO:
That face is smug,
I don't like it.

JAMES: Because I'd
made my car better,

as we climbed
onto the Altiplano,

I could relax and
enjoy the backdrop.

Look at that sky.

That's one of the best skies
I've seen for
a very long time.

James, does it get hotter or
colder when you're at
altitude? I've forgotten.

I'm pretty sure it gets much
hotter. No, no, hang on,
sorry. Colder.

There's only one way we can
accurately determine what
temperature it is

and that's by
talking to our colleague.

I know what you're thinking,
I'm fine.

(CHUCKLES)

JEREMY: As darkness fell,
we pulled into
a petrol station.

In the shop,
we found a bit more
than Kit Kats and pies.

Wait a minute.
Caramelised cocaine.

That's something you don't see
in every motorway
service station.

Wow.

You take it and then
you talk for hours.

Let's have that.

JEREMY:
In fact, the sweet is made
from coca leaves

which are legal
and used by locals

to ward off the effects
of altitude sickness.

Hammond found
them very moreish.

They're nice,
they're caramelised.
I've had about six.

JEREMY: Luckily,
this had no effect at all.

...all the camping gear, then
when you got there,
and this was before the M5,

there was like
a high bit and a low bit
and we always used to say,

"Is this the high/low bit?"
And Mum and Dad
would say, "Yeah."

Or "No," if it wasn't. And
then we knew how far
it was to Weston.

We went through Bristol which
I thought was a bit scruffy,
actually it's nice...

JEREMY: The next morning,

we woke on
the staggeringly beautiful
Bolivian high plains.

JAMES: We couldn't see this in
the dark but it's
absolutely breathtaking.

- Look at it.
- It's taken all
my breath away.

There's no
breath to take away.

We're at 14,000 feet
according to your gizmo.

- 14,000?
- 14,006 feet.

- JAMES: What's that?
- JEREMY:
This measures your sats.

On Casualty, they always do
this. They put one of these
on someone's finger,

and it's something to do with
how much oxygen there is in
your red blood cells.

If it's less than 98 or 99,
you've had it.

- And Tina Hobley comes.
- What's yours?

- 87.
- That's less.

Much less.

- Where's Tina Hobley, then?
- Just try yours.

I bet you can't
go less than 87.

That's how ill I am.

- 89.
- 89?
Tech... You're nearly dead.

I am dead.

88, I'm not much better.

If you went into
a doctor's surgery in England,

with sats of 88,

- they'd put you in hospital.
- 84.

RICHARD:
In fact, the only thing
in a dodgier state than me

were
the modifications on my car.

- What's happened?
- I've broken my
front right spring.

Completely clean.

- Sheared it off both ends.
- You're joking?

Bloody hellfire.

So that is supposed to be
connected to that?

RICHARD: Yep.
It's snapped clean off.

RICHARD: While trying to mend
the modified suspension,

there was another problem.

JAMES:
Your prop shaft fell off.

- What?
- Your prop
shaft just fell off.

JEREMY: Since there was no AA
to call, it took us all
morning to get it fixed.

Ooh-hoo!

JEREMY:
But eventually, we were off.

And apart from James
driving into a village well...

- Sorry...
- JAMES: Leave it!

...we made good progress
toward the Chilean border.

I'm in a fantastic desert,
with my two mates.

All the cars are working,
look at that, look at that.

It's great. It's an adventure.

JEREMY: And soon,
we reached a big milestone.

One mile,
James, and we've done it.
Bolivia.

Let's roll in as a threesome.

You look at these three, you'd
never believe they
were still running!

Most scrapyards
would reject them.

JEREMY: At the border post,
we were given
the traditional welcome.

JEREMY: My arse!

I hope he doesn't find the
tampons. Or, rather
worryingly, the Viagra.

JEREMY: Drugs check over,
we entered Chile,

where the scenery became
even more sensational.

RICHARD: Those are flamingos,
they actually are flamingos.

I've never seen
them in the wild. Wow!

JEREMY: Unfortunately,
we were still climbing.

Are you ready? 45 feet to go.

30 feet to go.

Here it comes.

5, 4, 3... We're there!

15,006 feet!

- Ha-ha!
- We are now higher

than
the highest peak in Europe
and we're still driving.

JEREMY: Soon, the altitude
would become a big issue.

But the next day,
Hammond had
an even bigger one.

His clutch had gone.

RICHARD: Oh, God.

Oh, come on!

It won't come out of gear.

I'm trying to rock it
on the starter
motor with it in... Ah!

There you go.

Right, we're away.
Into second,
match the road speed...

Ooh! Hey-hey! There you go.

We've just pulled over here
at this junction
to wait for Hammond.

Oh! Dust!

JAMES: Is that him?

It is.

- It is.
- We're back as a three.

Hammond!

- The donkey lives!
- Oh, yeah! It lives on.

JEREMY: At this point,
we had a decision to make.

We can either go that way,

which is very long,

or we can go that way,

which is short,

but does mean driving over
an active volcano.

Short.

- Volcano.
- Short.

I agree. Let's do it.

JEREMY: As we climbed,
the air became
thinner and thinner.

15,400.

And climbing.

We are, definitely,
the highest
motorists in the world.

Apart from George Michael,
obviously.

Hammond's really
got to think ahead
with no clutch.

And he's got to think ahead
with a brain
starved of oxygen.

What'll be frightening is
when I come to
need to grab first

to get up a steep bit.

Changing down is harder.

You have to guess
how high the engine
needs to be revving

and slot the gear lever in
without a clutch.

(GEARS CRUNCHING)

JEREMY: James,
too, was having problems.

(JUDDERING AND GRATING)

Oh, God, chaps,
my transfer box is jammed.

JEREMY: But these niggles
were
overshadowed by the big one.

Up at this altitude,
this engine is
really struggling.

For every litre of fuel vapour
it gets through,

it needs 14 litres of air.

And there isn't any.

So, it's just like me...
(GASPS FOR AIR)

That means it's
just so down on power.

Up here, James's car had,
at best, 20 horsepower.

And as we climbed higher,

we started to suffer as well.

RICHARD:
The breathlessness now
is pretty acute.

Just talking is...hard work.

I'm starting to feel a bit...

Jeez...no...
I'm feeling
really quite weird.

The terrain levelled out

so we pulled over to catch
what we could of our breath.

JAMES: Do you feel
sort of drunk but
it's not pleasant?

Yeah. Exactly that.
My whole head...
I've got room spin.

It was time for
drastic action.

- Cyanide?
- No.

Viagra.

- Eh?
- Is this the time?

Apparently, Viagra,
for reasons
unknown to science,

stops you having an oedema
in your lung.

I thought it was
more the trouser
department it concentrated on.

Well,
that might be a side effect
of what you're about to do.

- Down the hatch.
- Here we go.

- Nothing's happening.
- I can't swallow it.

- It doesn't work.
- Nothing's happening.

- I can't swallow it.
- Nothing's happening.

- Nothing's happening.
- I need a drink.

I'm going to
get a massive neck
if I don't have some of that.

Apparently...that
will save our lives.

- (THEY LAUGH)
- Oh, God.

I've just taken Viagra!

- On top of the Andes!
- Yeah.

JEREMY:
Sadly, though, it didn't seem
to have any effect at all.

I'm getting a headache
and I'm feeling sick.

Come on, come on.

The big question now was this.

Which would give out first,
the cars or the men?

Come on. Come on! Please pull.

Every gear change
is so critical now.

I get tense about it,
that raises my heart.

And then I need oxygen
all the more.

Still there, Hammond?

Yeah, I'm still here.
I have to go slow

because I daren't
risk changing up
to third. I won't make it.

JEREMY:
OK, mate, we'll slow down.

We're a team up here.
Cos this isn't funny.

God, Jeremy's talking
about being a team.

Must be the altitude.

JEREMY: At 16,700 feet,

the Toyota broke down again.

(ENGINE STALLS)

RICHARD: My
transfer box has just gone.

JEREMY:
James and I stopped to help.

And then we
couldn't get going again.

The engines just
aren't getting any air.

At all.

There's just no...er...

James can't get his started.

I can't get mine started.

I haven't got any air to work.

Once we get the Range Rover
going, that's the most
likely to start,

we can get everything started.
Right.

- Can we move it?
- RICHARD: Three, two, heave!

- JEREMY: And go!
- (THEY STRAIN)

JEREMY: Pushing a Range Rover
at this altitude
damn near killed us,

but eventually
the big beast fired
and, once again,

the most
unreliable car in the world
got the others going as well.

RICHARD: Go on...

Oh, yeah.

Bloody hell.
My lips are now tingling.

I get the feeling
something's gotta give soon.

Jesus Christ, my head!

JEREMY: At 17,200 feet,
we pulled over again.

(PANTING)

- JEREMY: Hammond?
- Yeah.

Even if...the cars
could get over that -

and I seriously doubt
they could - I can't.

Just pushing on's just stupid.

- Seriously,
I'm calling it a day.
- I think you could be right.

JEREMY: We really were in
trouble. So we turned round
and headed back down.

Fast.

Sixteen two.
Still feeling weird.

(COUGHING)

Breathing's better.

With every foot...

the engine's
gonna run smoother.

My body's gonna run smoother.

JEREMY: We then
went the long way round
and finally, drunk on oxygen,

we made it to the other side
of the Andes.

(DEEP BREATHING)

- (THEY INHALE NOISILY)
- RICHARD: Air!

- It's...so underrated.
- It's thick.

It's like breathing soup.

You can bite off pieces of it
and chew it.

It's like lung nectar.

There is just one small thing
that's occurred to me, chaps.

What?

Where the hell are we?

We were in the Atacama Desert

where there is no life at all.

Not even on a cellular level.

Richard Hammond was
the smallest living
organism for miles.

There was nothing here at all.

Except for one road.

Oh, yes.

JEREMY:
The Pan-America Highway.

Running is smooth.

The view is spectacular.

Temperature is low.

But the mad dash
down the mountain
had been too much once again

for the modifications
on Hammond's Toyota.

Better stop. Oh, God.

Didn't sound good.

- Did you actually
hear something...
- Oh, yeah!

Oh, dear.

I think,
James, we can safely say
that what's happened there

is my prop shaft
has fallen off.

And the prop shaft
was only half of it.

(BLEEP)

- JAMES: What's broken?
- RICHARD: Diff.

- It's actually shattered?
- Absolutely exploded.

JAMES: Good God. I'm surprised
that didn't
somersault the car!

I've just heard
on the radio that
Richard Hammond's Land Cruiser

is in serious trouble.

(SPUTTERING)

RICHARD: Happily, the Top Gear
orang-utan elected
not to stop and help.

And, as a result, James and I
quickly got
the Toyota working again.

We reconfigured it,
it's now running

front-wheel drive only,
so it's now
just its front legs

dragging itself along,
still working.

We were now tantalisingly
close to the Pacific Ocean,
the finish line.

There can be no
doubt this has been
our toughest assignment ever.

No question about that.
It's nearly killed us,

it's nearly killed our cars.

It is incredible to think
that these cheap cars

bought unseen on the internet
had crossed
the Amazon rainforest.

They'd scaled
the most dangerous
road in the world.

And they'd still been working
when their drivers had broken
down in the Andes.

We didn't just respect them.
We loved them.

I have a teddy bear,
I've had it since
the day I was born.

One of its arms
has fallen off,
one of its eyes is missing,

its head's come off
more times than I can mention.

To you it would
be worthless junk.

But to me,
it means everything,

and it's the same
story with this car.

Yeah, the ride's terrible,
it's a bit noisy,
doesn't handle that well,

and I'm always worried
it's going to fall over,

but it's done everything
the big boys have done,

hasn't got stuck
any more often,

and the only time
it's really gone wrong

is as a result
of its dunking in the river.

I think
the plucky little car's
done all right.

From the very start of the
trip when I couldn't
start it on the raft,

I thought, "Oh, no."

But I didn't know it then,
I didn't know how
determined it was.

Honestly, this thing
is like that Black Knight

in that Monty Python sketch

where they're
fighting with swords
and he gets his arm cut off.

"No, no, 'tis but a scratch!"
It's a great little car.

JEREMY:
As our exhausted convoy
drew nearer to the coast...

...weirdly,
the road started
to climb again.

40 miles to go and
we've got to drop
2,300 feet down to sea level.

It must start going downhill
in a minute!

But it didn't.

The punishing climb continued.

I can smell... I can smell...

a boiling engine.

Is the drop at the other end
just sheer? Because we're
nearly at the Pacific now.

And I'm 4,000 feet up.

Soon, though,
we turned off the Pan-America

and headed through the dunes
to the finish line,

where, unfortunately,
there was one more
obstacle in the way.

A big one.

Hang on a minute.

Whoa, wait!

- JEREMY:
Look how bloody steep it is.
- JAMES: God above!

JEREMY: I can see now
why they said
four-wheel drive.

- Er, I've only got
three-wheel drive.
- I've only got two.

JAMES: I was gonna say,
what if you dig in?

JEREMY: If you dug in
and started to roll,

the chances of you being alive
at the bottom...are nil.

We therefore decided to get
some practice on
a smaller dune first.

Are we ready, chaps?

Ready.

- Ready?
- RICHARD: Yeah.

Three!

- Two!
- RICHARD:
Hold on, hold on, hold on.

Give me strength.
Give me strength.

What?

Just before we do this,
I wanted to say...

- Oh, shit...
- RICHARD: No!

- Oh, my...
- (BLEEP)!

My donkey!

His wheel's come off.

Aw!

RICHARD: Donkey was dead.

And in some ways,
I was relieved.

Because it meant
I no longer had to
drive down that dune.

This is utterly, utterly,
utterly stupid.

I wouldn't do this
in a brand-new Range Rover.

James, are you ready?

Yeah, I'll be going for
second gear, Jezza.

Second gear, low range,
and I've got my diff locks in.
Have you?

I haven't got diff locks.

RICHARD: Good luck, boys.

Three...two...one. Go!

JEREMY: Oh, my God.

I don't know...
Oh, Christ, I don't know
where the wheels are pointing.

I don't think so.

JEREMY: It's going sideways.

Whoa. Whoo oh oh!

You dare go sideways again...

JAMES: The soft sand was a
nightmare and the gradient
meant that pretty soon

we were fighting
to keep control.

Get in a straight line,
you metal (BLEEP).

Come on!

Come on. Oh,
it's going a bit fast now.

I'm in a 900-year-old
utterly ruined Range Rover.

Argh! Argh!

It's levelling out.
It's levelling out.

It's levelling out.

Argh! We're down!

We're down!

Yes!

JEREMY: Once again,
we had shown what the car,

even when it's an old crock,
is capable of.

Well, two of us had.

But when we finally regrouped
by the water's edge,

Hammond still believed
he'd chosen wisely.

Are you going to
try and argue...?

It was extraordinarily good.
It's led a very hard life.

It died a noble death,
I think valiant.

I think rubbish.
It has been a constant
source of problems and delays.

It was old and arthritic and
had been beaten
every day of its life,

- sick old donkey.
- These two...

These two were
old and arthritic
but they are here,

and the Land
Cruiser is 2,800 feet
above us up there.

Forever.
Can I just make the case
for the Suzuki

because I know
what you're thinking?
Plucky little car.

- Helped you out a few times.
- I agree.
Push-started the Range Rover.

- Technically,
never really broke down.
- Well...

It didn't survive very well
in the puddle.

But I'd like to say
most importantly...

- Mm-hm.
- ...the ride is rotten.

Yes. And because of that,

because it's almost
ruined your spine,

and because yours isn't here,

we have
a startling conclusion,
I think, to the show.

It turns out that
the most unreliable
car in the world...

is the most
reliable car in the world.

Yeah. It's fair enough.

Ladies and gentlemen,
I give you the Range Rover.
Yes!

- Not what anybody expected...
- Nobody expected that.

- Come on,
we can be proud of that.
- Come on.

Be proud of that. Proud to
be British.

Oh, look, it's falling
apart.