Top Gear (2002–…): Season 14, Episode 4 - Episode #14.4 - full transcript

JEREMY: Tonight,
we drive down a sewer,

we power slide across a field

and we do some
other things as well.

I can't see where I'm going.

(CHEERING AND APPLAUSE)

Thank you, everybody. Hello!

Hello. Welcome.

Hello. Thank you, thank you.

Now...

what do you suppose
is the slowest
means of transport

in this day and age?



Canal boat?

WOMAN: James May.

- James May.
- (LAUGHTER)

Getting a piggyback
from James May, possibly.

Turns out, though,
the answer is air travel,

as Richard Hammond explains.

RICHARD: This is an airport.

It's a place where
you wait around a lot,

but the waiting isn't just
because of delayed planes.

No, the problem
runs deeper than that.

Everything that
moves at an airport
just takes an age.

The tug that drags the plane
to the gate
crawls like a snail.

The bendy bus
that ferries the passengers

to the plane is deathly slow.



The catering
truck is always late,

the fuel truck
just meanders about
with no sense of urgency

and as for that little thing
that drags the luggage
around in a big train,

maybe that's the reason

why you always have
to wait for a year
at the luggage carousel.

Net result - misery.

In fact, some youngsters who
check in to fly somewhere
on a school trip

often die of old age
in the departure lounge.

And that's an actual fact.

Time, then,
for Top Gear to step in,

and in the same way
we solved the bendy-bus issue,

we shall tackle this problem
through
the crucible of motor sport.

Let's begin by
assembling a selection
of typical airport vehicles.

First up, the aircraft steps.

Never there
when you need them.
Let's hope they can

buck their ideas
up a bit today.

Then we have the thing
that lugs the luggage around,

complete with...luggage.

The fuel tanker,
heavy and full of...

stuff.

Fuel.

Next,
the bendy bus that ferries
the passengers around.

We're already pretty
familiar with those.

Ah, the fire engine.
Absolutely no excuse for
tardiness for that one.

And the catering truck.
Always late,

sometimes better
if it didn't turn up at all.

And finally,

the heaviest beast of all -
the aircraft tug.

So there we are -

a group of machines
that normally trundle around

at a snail's pace.

But just think how much faster
the whole airport
experience would be

if we could speed things up.

To show the airport bosses

just what untapped potential
these machines have,

welcome to the inaugural

Top Gear Various
Airport Vehicles
Motor Sport Challenge Race...

Challenge.

Our venue for this
ground-breaking event

is London's Heathrow Airport,
just outside London.

Normally it is
a lot busier than this,

but the people
who run Heathrow

closed it for the day

and they've moved
all the jumbos and, um,
terminals off to the side,

out of shot.

They have,
that's what they've done.

So, with that taken care of,
all I need now
are some drivers.

Sadly,
the airport ground staff
just won't cut the mustard.

But guess who I ran
into in Duty Free?

Touring-car legend,
Tom Chilton.

Touring-car legend, Matt Neal.

Touring-car legend,
Mat Jackson.

Touring-car legend,
Gordon Shedden.

Touring-car legend,
Anthony Reid.

And finally,
truck-racing legend,

Stuart Oliver.

The drivers climbed into
their chosen machines,
leaving me

with the fire engine.

I can't reach the switch.

(ENGINE STARTS)

Yeah!

All of these vehicles
have very different engines

and what have you, and so
whichever one wins
today is the vehicle

we will be recommending

all future aircraft vehicles
are based on,

regardless of
function or task.

(ENGINES REV)

This is a pretty serious
scientific experiment,

so I have stressed
to the other drivers

in the strongest
possible terms,

absolutely no body
contact whatsoever.

(ENGINES REV LOUDLY)

We're away!

Look at that catering lorry -
I can't believe
how that took off!

Although the fire truck
was incredibly noisy...

(ENGINE ROARS)

...on paper, it had got
winning potential.

On the minus side, however,

it was still a fire truck.

Very soon, I was falling back.

Oh, no! I mean, what good
would this be in
an emergency situation

if the bloody catering truck
gets there before
the fire engine?!

And predictably,
with me out of the way,
the touring-car boys

were ignoring my
strict no-contact rule.

If I was to get back in
and restore order,
I needed to act fast.

There, that'll do.

Ha-ha!

(TYRES SQUEAL)

Oh! Yep.

I can't see where I'm going.
I can't see.

I wonder what's happened
to the world.

But the crash
diet did the trick.

I'm back in the race in my
lightweight fire
truck Superleggera!

Yes!

Unfortunately,

the other drivers
weren't impressed
with the new track conditions.

(TYRES SCREECH)

That's what it takes...
The bendy bus!

Ah-ha-ha-ha!

Several laps into the race
and no clear
winner was emerging.

The stairs in front of me now,
they're a bit of
an unknown quantity!

Oh, my God!

So, with great regret,

I ordered the drivers
to turn up the wick...

Maximum revs!

...and pretty soon,
the results started to come,

with the fuel tender taking
a pretty serious kicking from
the catering truck.

The fuel lorry is out.

Whoa!

With just two laps to go,

the 29-tonne tug
and the luggage trolley

were at the back
in a fight of their own.

And following
an accidental
manoeuvre by me...

Ahh! Whoa!

...the bendy bus
was now crippled,

meaning it was
now all down to me,
the catering truck

and the stairs.

Correction - make that me

and the catering truck,

which,
as we entered the final lap,

had suddenly changed tactics.

Whoa!
What's he done with that?!

What he'd done
with that was genius.

The lightweight catering truck
shot into the lead.

Whoa!

But the racing driver,

being a racing driver,

had forgotten about
the laws of physics.

That is
the catering truck out of it!

That is good news indeed.
Yeah!

Ahh! There you go!

So, airports of the world,
take note.

From now on,

all airport vehicles
will be based on
the fire engine,

which will be brilliant

as long as there isn't a fire.

(CHEERING)

JEREMY: Excellent work.

Excellent science, doctor.
Excellent science.

-More of that.
-RICHARD: More research, yeah.

Now let's do the news.

Yes, let's. Right... Oh, yes.

Every week, the Daily Mirror
runs a story saying

that we've done
something unspeakable.

You know, we've stolen
all the Army's helicopters

or we've accidentally clubbed
an old lady to death

- with a baby seal.
- (LAUGHTER)

This week, OK, the story
they chose to
run with was this.

OK? Here it is.

Big story saying that...

homosexuals are banned from

the Top Gear studio audience.

Now, seriously, honestly,

I've never read such
rubbish in my life.

JAMES: Now, it is true...

(LAUGHTER)

...that we like an even split
of men and women
in the audience,

otherwise it's a bit
like the early days

when we only got
the Subaru owners club,
and that's a bit grizzly.

But we do not actually insist

that you sleep with the person
you come to the studio with.

No. I mean, often, you know,
mums come down with their sons

and we're not
suggesting that...

- You know, that's...
- JAMES: No, we're not.

- But everybody's welcome.
- JEREMY: Exactly.

-The truth is, we welcome
homosexual couples here.
-JAMES: We do.

-We particularly like
the lesbian sort.
-RICHARD: Oh, God!

- (LAUGHTER)
- Oh, no. No, no, no!

I saw a film about lesbians
on the internet once.

- Oh, God!
- (LAUGHTER)

It looked very interesting.

(LAUGHTER)

Now, BMW, OK, have made...

they've made this.
It's an M5 CSL, OK?

It's got a carbon fibre roof,

it's got
a longer stroke engine,
5.5 litres,

580 horsepower.

That is
20-seconds-a-lap faster
round the Nurburgring

than the standard M5.

- Wow.
- (LAUGHTER)

I know. The big wow is...
Do you know what
the big wow is?

They're not going to make it,
and that's weird to me.

Why go to all that
trouble with a roof

and an engine if you're
not going to make it?

That's like...sleeping
with a woman when you don't
want to have a baby.

- No,
that doesn't work, does it?
- (LAUGHTER)

That's
the worst metaphor ever.

You're on your own
with that metaphor!

Anyway, skipping over that,
the real reason
I brought this up

are these BMW racing colours,

because you don't
see racing colours
any more in motor racing.

You remember the Alitalia
colours and... What were
the other ones? Martini...

It's a very good point,
actually, because these days,
you get a white car,

-and then it just says
something like, "Panasonic".
-Ugh!

I think those new
teams coming into F1,

they should
choose their sponsors

according to which sponsors
are going to give them
the best-looking car.

With the Sheffield team
that we talked about,

they could get sponsored by...
well, by a local band.

The Human League!

They could all have helmets
that are shorter on one
side than the other!

Because you know Timo Glock...

He was working as a waiter
in a cocktail bar.

But they don't want him.

They picked him up and turned
him around and turned him
into something new.

Yes, all right,
enough '80s lyrics references!

I know what would make
an excellent sponsor for
a motor-racing team.

If you say Morrisons,
I'm going to stab
you in the heart.

(LAUGHTER)

No, I think After Eight mints.

Think about it.
There's that dark green
with a little gold stripe on.

Imagine that on
an Aston Martin.

- Dark green...
- They race at Le Mans...

- Yeah.
- ...24-hour race.

It would be after eight
in an After Eight car!
That's brilliant!

RICHARD: Make that happen.
Do it!

What about Cooper's marmalade?
You could have
an orange racing car,

but with bits in.

What?

You could have,
er, beef Hula Hoops.

Um...

Bovril... Not Bovril. Bisto!

Then you could have
that white thing down the car
and it could say, "Aah!"

James, you're just naming
things you like and
they're all brown!

James May's Formula Brown!

"Look, Church's shoes
is overtaking
the cottage pie!"

What would you rather...?
Yes, but what
would you rather have -

gravy overtakes pie
or
the gone-bust bank overtakes

the Japanese producer of
consumer electronics?

- He's got a point, actually!
I'd...
- No, I'd rather watch that.

After Eights is the answer.

Why have I got
a vision of James May
smearing himself in Marmite?!

Oh, my God!

Hey! Hey, hey, hey! Listen,

do you want an Audi A4, OK,

that's much more expensive
and harder to park?

- Yes, I do.
- Good news,
because this week,

we've received
news that there's

a new Audi A8, OK?
It's designed by a man called,
er, Mick Dick.

(LAUGHTER)

I've got... No, no, no,
I've got the bumf here, OK?
Um...

Has he anything interesting
to tell us about it?

(LAUGHTER)

(JEREMY MUMBLES INDISTINCTLY)

No.

(LAUGHTER)

Well...what does it look like?

No idea.

This is
the picture they sent, OK?

(LAUGHTER)

- RICHARD: It's under a cloth!
- JEREMY: Yes.

- Who's he?
- That's Mick Dick!

- Oh, that's him?!
- Yeah.

Best friend, as it turns out,

of Billy Willy!

-They work for
Bob Knob, do they?
-(LAUGHTER)

With Roger Todger.

They were going to get
it designed by the Scottish
car designer...

Jock Cock!

Actually, there was something
interesting in here, OK?

There was, genuinely, right?

Because what Audi has done,
is they've outlined what
the A8 customer is.

(GERMAN ACCENT)
And they say...
he is highly affluent

with an average income
of $500,000 a year,

er...

he is 58 years old

er, highly educated,

mostly married.

- Mostly married? How?
- What does that...?

So he's sort of married,
I don't know, down to there?

And this bit is separated?

Yeah, it says he's
got a few children
still in the household.

-What, in the basement?
-Yeah, he's a kidnapper
as well.

Is there anyone here who
is 58 years old, on half
a million dollars a year,

with divorced shins
and some children
in the basement?

(LAUGHTER)

Oh,
dear, Mick Dick's cocked up.

He's built a car...

-for someone
who doesn't exist.
-Yeah.

So let's move on.

You see, it doesn't matter
what sort of a person you are,

there is always a car to suit.

If, for example,
you're an air hostess,
you can have an Audi TT.

If you're a Freemason,
hm, you can have a Lexus.

If you have huge ears
with hair
sprouting out of them,

you can have a Peugeot 3008.

(LAUGHTER)

But...what if you're mad?

What if you can't
walk past a window

without being overcome with
an uncontrollable
need to lick it?

(LAUGHTER)

There's never been a car
to suit you...until now.

This is no ordinary BMW X5.

This is an S&M X5.

What they've done
is taken the standard car

and inserted under the bonnet

a 555-horsepower,

4.4-litre
twin-turbo-charged V8.

The results are as dramatic

as putting a furious weasel

in your underpants.

Gallon of fuel gone there.

There's another one gone.

And another.

This car would be
less annoying
to eco-mentalists

if its engine ran
on sliced dolphin.

Still, it produces
more power and more torque

than a Ferrari 430 Scuderia.

So, despite the enormous
weight, we're told that
in a drag race,

it should be able
to make mincemeat
out of most sports cars.

(ENGINES REV)

Go!

Yep. That is a five-litre,

super-charged sports car.

(LAUGHS) And it's winning.

Yeah, there you go - look.
There's Usain Bolt.

Thrashing John Prescott here,
contrary to
the information we received.

We weren't expecting that.

We looked up some
figures in the office

and they suggested
that this would
win and now it hasn't

and that's a bit embarrassing.

The handling is
equally surprising,

but in a good way.

It is remarkable
that here I am,

four-miles high in the sky,

driving a car that
weighs slightly more
than the centre of the Earth.

And it's fine.
It's better than fine.

It's not an M5,
but for something
like this, it's amazing.

And of course, it's all great,

but in a big 4x4 school bus,

what's the point?

I don't know what
the world record is

for the most amount of sick
to come out of a child,

but I reckon if you
put a nine-year-old

in the back of one of these
and drove like this...

(LAUGHS) ...he could beat it.

Wa-ha-ha-ha!

(TYRES SQUEAL)

And look at this.
This tells you how much torque

is going to each wheel

at any given moment.

Can you imagine
bringing that up
on a first date?!

"Have you seen this, my dear?
Look at that!"

I reckon you'd be in there.
Mm-mm.

This, then, is a silly car.

And also, it's not very good.

The seats are hard
and unsupportive.

The ride on normal roads
is very uncomfortable,
if I'm honest.

And I don't know about you,
but I find this
interior rather boring,

apart from that, obviously -
the torque thing.

It's like sitting
in someone's ear.

What's more, because
it's fast, it has fat tyres
and firm suspension.

And that's
created another problem.

What they've
done is built a car

that can sort of go off-road
and then converted it

so that now it can't any more.

Still, if you want one,
get your nurse to
find you a crayon

and write out
a cheque for £76,000.

Or, if you don't understand
how crayons work,

you could spend even more
on this rather ugly Audi.

On the face of it, this Q7
appears to be quite sensible.

Unlike the X5,
it comes with seven seats,

which move about to
suit your every need.

And under the bonnet,
there's a diesel engine.

Sadly, however,
it's not a diesel engine
that makes any sense at all.

You see,
it's a six-litre
twin-turbo-charged

V12 diesel.

Now, I'm sorry,
but the whole point of buying

a diesel-engine
car is to save money,

so having a twin-turbo
V12 diesel is like

turning your
central heating off
at home and then keeping warm

by burning Rembrandts.

Still, at least you get
a lot of torques.

738 of them, in fact.

That's 200 more than you get
from a Zonda R.

0 to 60 takes
five-and-a-half seconds.

Top speed is limited
to 155 miles an hour.

And it stops

because it's got
ceramic brakes.

On a diesel!

But it's the go, really.
That's the astonishing bit.

I'm not kidding.
This car could
bump-start a jumbo jet.

But only if you
fit it with a towbar,

which is an £830 option.

I don't know about you,
but that seems a bit steep

on a car which costs £96,000.

Apart from
the fact that these cars,
with their mighty engines,

have brought sunshine
where before there was rain,

they are completely
bonkers and pointless.

However,
happily, there is a third way
of wasting your money.

This new Range
Rover is heavier
than the Audi and the BMW.

And slower. And thirstier.

And at £80,000,
it's not exactly cheap either.

But unlike its German rivals,
it does still work
when it's off road.

All this computer
gubbins down here
means that you can keep going

when nature would rather
you turned
round and went home.

Bit like now, really.

And there's another thing.

The buttons and switches
in the BMW and the Audi

are just taken out of
normal saloon cars.

In the Range Rover,
they're big and chunky

so that you can use them
while wearing gloves.

Little things.

What's more, the Range Rover
is more majestic

that the Germans,
more dignified.

It's way more comfortable too,

and some of the toys that
can be specified these days

are just unbelievable.

There are five cameras
all around the car

and you can call up the images
they're taking on
the screen here.

There they are.

Then you choose which ones
you want to enlarge.

So I'll take that one looking
front left and that one
looking backwards.

Push "enlarge". There we are.

So, here we go now.

We're coming up
to the Hammerhead,
going the wrong way.

Let's have
the forward view there.

Now, let's see how well I clip
the apex on that.

Oh, yes! Looking good.

There it is.
There are the red and white
lines. Now, here we go.

Let's switch to the rear
camera as we power down
the main straight.

You know what?

We don't really need
a film crew or a director to
make Top Gear any more.

In fact, I think
I'm going to run them down.

Yes, I am. Run!

This has become a snuff movie.

Before you write
in to complain,

I should explain
that what I'm doing now
is saving your licence fee

on expensive crews.

We don't need them.
I can do it all here myself.

Come here! You're just
an expensive
waste of time now.

We don't need you any more!

Mind you, some of the features
on this new model
are...not so good.

These days, the grille
is way too Cheshire

and even the gills now have
their own
annoying styling details.

But the biggest problem,
in this version at least,
is the engine.

In essence, it's the same
five-litre super-charged V8

that you get in
a Jag these days,

and that's jolly nice
if you live in
Houston or Abu Dhabi

or somewhere else
where petrol is cheap.

But here,

hmm, I'm the world's biggest
Range Rover fan,

but I have to admit
that this engine, in Britain,

makes no sense at all.

I'd buy
the diesel-engined Range Rover
in a heartbeat,

but with a massive petrol
engine, this is like
the other cars here.

Really rather ridiculous.

- (APPLAUSE)
- All mad. All mad!

-I hate to say it,
but I agree with you.
-You do?

- I do.
- About what?

Because the diesel Range Rover
is just fabulous

because, well,
it's just like
the petrol Range Rover

- but the diesel
makes a better noise.
- It does.

And you only have to stop
and fill it up
every 500 miles,

rather than every 500 yards.

No question.
You see, the thing is,
if you get the diesel,

you still get that amazing
screen that allows you
to make movies.

But there's so much more
to it than that.

For obvious reasons,
you can't watch a DVD

while you're driving along,
for example.

But if we look at this, OK.
The passenger here
is looking at a DVD.

Yes? You can see that.

But if we look at the screen
from where I'm sitting,

it's satellite navigation.
Same screen -
look at this. I see sat nav.

Where
the passenger is sitting,
they can see a DVD.

On the same screen!
I'm sorry...
Come back again, look.

Sat nav. This is
the most amazing thing
I've ever seen in my life.

And it doesn't end there,
either, does it?

Those cameras you
were talking about...

No, no, no.

Well remembered!
I'd forgotten.
Look at this. You can see, OK.

-We zoom in,
zoom in like this.
-Oh, wow!

-And then you can move it up.
-Oh,
you can actually move the...!

- Look at that!
- It's lech-cam!
That's brilliant!

- It's perv-vision!
- Who invented that?

- (APPLAUSE)
- That is perv-vision!

- Yes!
- That is just genius.

-Would you like to
go round the back?
-Sorry, mate? Oh, the...

-Yes!
The cameras at the back.
-Look at the back.

Zoom in.
In, in. No, no, no, no, no!
Now look what you've done!

- I'm sorry.
- That's disgusting!

- (APPLAUSE)
- Now, look...

- He looks like the Mekon!
- That's a disappointment.

If you two could just stop
mucking around for a minute,

I've got quite a serious point
to make over here.

If you want to spend more
money on your Range Rover,
for Pete's sake,

don't spend it trying
to make it go faster,
because you'll ruin it.

Instead, why not spend it
on making it
a bit more luxurious?

Now, a company called
Overfinch has collaborated
with Holland & Holland,

the gun-makers,
to produce this.

Yeah, now,
it's still a Range Rover,

so inside you've got
the clever amazing witchcraft
screen and everything,

but a bit more.

So,
for instance, this wood here,

you've got this marquetry work
in it - lovely.

And these panels on
the steering wheel.

You can have
these custom-engraved
to match your own shotguns.

Obviously!

The leather is the stuff they
use on the very
finest business jets.

And in the back, you do lose
a seat, but instead, you get
this piece of furniture

from
the bedroom of Louis XIV -
more exquisite marquetry.

In here there is
some nice cut glass.

And down here,
there is a refrigerator,

and it is a refrigerator,
not merely
a slightly chilly cubbyhole.

The cost of all this is...

£139,000.

(AUDIENCE MURMUR)

Now, that is a lot of money,

but then this car does come

with the best optional
extra ever fitted to any car

in the whole of human history,
I think I'm right in saying.

- Yeah, yeah. You're right.
- Yes.

OK, it's this
chest here in the back.

In this drawer here,
we find, OK,
there is space for your gun.

This particular
gun in this one,
get a brace of these,

they actually cost more
than the car does.

- (RIPPLE OF LAUGHTER)
- No, seriously.

OK, so that's the guns, right,
on this side.
And what goes with guns?

You're right - drink.

- And so...
- (LAUGHTER)

in here we find the glasses,
the vodka,
the whisky, obviously,

the champagne - Pol Roger -
is in the fridge
in the car itself.

And here is
the really amazing bit.

This is what's called
a self-replenishing
drinks cabinet.

For the first year you own
the car, when your drink
supplies are getting low,

they come round
and top them up
free of charge.

Wow! Wow.

Do I have to buy the car,

or can I just have
the self-replenishing
drinks cabinet?

I'll tell you what,
if I bought this car,

the diesel in
the tank after one year

would be exactly the same
as it was when it came.

It would still be
in the same field!

I tried drinking the diesel,
but then the man arrived
with more champagne.

- I just want one of those.
- No, it is.
Really and truthfully,

this is the car to buy
if you are sensible.

Or if you're a drunk!

But if you are insane,

you will doubtless now want
to know how fast the BMW
S&M X whatever it is

and the Audi V12 diesel
go round our track,

and that, of course, means
handing them over to our
tame racing driver.

Some say that
the drinks cabinet
in his car

contains 14
different types of custard.

(LAUGHTER)

And while he has been known
to leave his house
in a bit of a hurry,

he's never once
hit a fire hydrant.

(LAUGHTER)

All we know,
he's called the Stig!

And they're off,
lumbering down to
the first corner

like two fat
rhinos in trainers.

Beginning to
forget what our track
looks like in the dry.

Still,
at least these silly cars

have four-wheel drive
to help them along.

Oh, dear,
that's not very interesting

as they go round
the first corner.

(PETER SELLERS: Any Old Iron)

Oh, dear.
Still enjoying the sound

of Barbara Windsor's wedding.

Audi,
there - look at it getting
all out of shape in Chicago.

And now he's heading down
to the Hammerhead.

Triggered the hazards
under heavy breaking.

That Q7 is really not happy.

X5, a little more composed.

Although, of course,
if you really wanted composed,

obviously you'd be better off

in the M5 Saloon.

Into Follow-through, a chance
for them to use
their big power

to give the laws of physics
a bloody nose.

Thundering past the tyres.

Obviously,
now, two corners left.
Audi still flashing away.

BMW getting sideways there.

Just Gambon left.

Here it comes.
BMW veering sideways!

Steady on, Stig!
And across the line!

Well, here we are.

- (APPLAUSE)
- Here we are.

Stand by to receive
the two most not
interesting facts

in the history of
British television.

The Audi Q7 V12
Diesel did it in 1:33.3.

So that's down there.
And the BMW X5M
did it in 1:28.2.

So, there we are.
Not interesting.

And now,
it is time to put a star
in our reasonably priced car.

My guest tonight is best known
for his Cockney
gangster movies,

such as Snatch
and RocknRolla

and Lock, Stock
And Two Smoking Barrels.

So, everybody,
open your mince pies,
put your Bobby Sands together,

and let's have a rousing round
of sores...paws...

sores...running,
pustulating sores
for Guy Ritchie!

(APPLAUSE AND CHEERING)

Guy, how are you?

Hello, Mr Clarkson,
how are you, sir?

Very well. How are you?
Have a seat.

Milk that moment!

- Thank you very much!
- That is a big welcome.

Now, I was fascinated
when you arrived
here this morning.

A lot of guests say the same
thing. Is it possible to
turn the car over?

Because they need reassuring
that, no, it isn't.

And then Guy said,
"No, cos I really want to."

Well, I had a go.

Would anybody like to see
some of Guy's practices? OK?

AUDIENCE: Yes!

Just early on,
this is Guy
practising for his lap.

Here we go.

You've still got the Stig
in the car here. So let's...
Look how wet that is!

- Woah!
- That's unbelievable.

(SHOUTS AND WHOOPS)

Look at that!

We can now plant crops there,
after that.

(LAUGHTER)

Now, obviously -
I'm sorry about this -
I'm sure a lot of people

are going to expect a lot
of
tittle-tattle about Madonna.

Can I just say,
this isn't Loose Women.

So there'll be none of that.
This is Top Gear.

And I'm more interested
in your love of winching.

(LAUGHTER)

I'm not kidding, OK?
You like... What's it called,
Off-Green Laning?

Green Laning and a bit
of winching. There's nothing
like a good winch.

As you know, it's a thing.
It's quite
a nerdy undertaking.

No, there is...
There are people
who deliberately get stuck.

(LAUGHTER)

Don't tell me
you're one of those.
You winch yourself...?

If you're into winching,
you get stuck.

And so you can get out
and winch yourself out?

If you don't get stuck,
you can't winch.

So you deliberately
look to get stuck.

I just find that fas...!
What's the big
appeal of winching a car?

It doesn't make
any sense at all.

Why should you want
to get a car stuck
and then get it out?

But it's a lot of fun!

(LAUGHTER)

I can't believe
I'm talking so much
about winching!

Now, what do you drive?
Actually,
I know what you drive.

-You drive a van!
-I've got a van.

Why have you got a van?

I love vans.
I used to be a van driver.

- Ritchie's Removals, it was.
- (LAUGHTER)

I wasn't good at
Ritchie's Removals.

It didn't work particularly
as a business.

We'd been under
a few low bridges

and taken a few £100,000
tables out as we went under
the low bridges.

How do you explain that

to the poor, unfortunate souls
waiting at home for their...?

You have to be very creative.
Hence, I became a film-maker.

But you maintained
the love of vans.

- Love a van, yeah.
- And you now have
a Mercedes Sprinter.

-Yes, I do.
-Is it just a normal van?

No, it's been kitted out a bit
in the back.

We've got two 42-inch screens
in the back of it.

And it's, uh...cushty.

- (LAUGHTER)
- Um...

It's pretty comfy. I mean,
you just get so much bang for
your buck with a van.

-How much is
a Rolls-Royce Phantom?
-250,000.

OK, well, this was 20 grand.
We got it second-hand.

We spent 40 grand in the back.
60 grand.

It's a lot more comfortable
than a Phantom.

-Really?
-Yeah.

Have you done the outside,
the A-Team thing
with the big wheels...?

No, it looks like
a builder's van.

Have you got the, "No tools
are left in this overnight"
written on the back?

There's lots of tools
left in it overnight.

Ha-ha! Oh! Um...

So what do you drive
when you're not
driving your van?

I've got
the Range Rover outside.

- Yeah.
- Q7. Got an Audi Q7.

Don't like that?
I've got to tell you,
everyone loves that.

-Well, except me. OK.
-What do you know
about cars, anyway?

Not much, actually.

I live on a bicycle.
That's the irony.
I live in central London

and probably 90%
of my travelling
is done on a bicycle.

I love bicycles.
I shouldn't imagine
you like bicycles very much.

You'd look good on a bicycle!

No, I wouldn't.
A penny-farthing, maybe.

I was being sarcastic,
actually!

Actually I nearly tried
to kill a Frenchman on
a bicycle the other day.

He'd got so much rain on his
spectacles, he couldn't see
where he was going.

Then he banged on my car.
Well, that was it.

-(LAUGHTER)
-How did you
know he was French?

(EXAGGERATED FRENCH ACCENT)
Because he was
speaking like an idiot,

that is how I
knew he was French!

(LAUGHTER)

Now, you've got no cars,
obviously, in your new movie,
Sherlock Holmes.

Tell us a bit about it.

I wanted to do a bigger movie
than any movie
I've done before,

um, and it seemed
like a natural segue
from going from sort of

smaller British gangster
kind of things to doing
something kind of big-ish.

But I wanted to keep
the identity English,

and there is no greater icon,
I suppose,
than Sherlock Holmes.

But you've got
Robert Downey Jr
as Sherlock.

He's got a very
good British accent.

- Has he?
- Better than mine.

- We've got a clip.
Let's have a look.
- Very good.

I have a request.
There's someone I want to see.

Sherlock Holmes.

You and I are bound together
on a journey

that will twist
the very fabric
of nature.

Allow me to enlighten you.

Tomorrow, the world
as you know it will end.

Well, there isn't
any time to waste,
then, is there?

It does make
a considerable
difference to me

having someone with me
on whom I can thoroughly rely.

It's nice to see you, Watson.

-That is big budget!
-(APPLAUSE)

Is that CGI?

Some of it.

That's a big budget thing
right there. I see what you
mean about his accent.

You can see we had
deeper pockets on this one.

When's that coming out?

Boxing Day in the UK,
Christmas Day everywhere else.

Why isn't it out on
Christmas Day here?

Everyone's stuffing their face
with turkey in the UK.

-Um, so these days,
you're a publican.
-I have a pub.

-You have a pub in...?
-In Mayfair.

-Actually, I have a story.
Do you mind?
-Please!

This is back in
the Fulham days.
I used to go to this place,

on the Wandsworth
Bridge Road, OK?

Get there before ten,
guaranteed lock-in.

Then one day, a new manager
started at this place.

A new manager,
no more lock-ins.
"Out. Get lost."

20 years later,
I was walking down
the Fulham Road

and I ran into the original
barman, now a security guard
outside a hospital.

So I said,

"What happened to that bolshie
(BLEEP) that came and
took over from you?"

He said,
"I tell you what happened
to him. He married Madonna."

You stopped us having...
You stopped us having...

(APPLAUSE AND LAUGHTER)

I've been dying
to get that off...
Joe's Brasserie.

Did you come and work
as manager there?

It was either me or Sean Penn,

and I don't think Sean Penn
worked in Joe's Brasserie.

(LAUGHTER)

Now,
obviously you came down here
to do your lap.

We've already
established - quite wet.

I mean,
the wettest we've ever had,
but nevertheless,

who would like
to see Guy's lap?

-AUDIENCE: Yes!
-Right,
Guy, let's have a look.

Soaking wet.

And you can't
cut the corners -
this is the important thing.

Oh, come on, son! Woah!

OK, there's the first corner.

No suicidal
tendencies into it.
But plenty coming out.

That's no good.
That's quite poo, actually.

(LAUGHTER)

Off the road a bit, there.

That's looking
very neat and tidy.
That's good. That's good.

This is raining, lads,
by the way. I don't know if
anyone noticed.

It's quite hard
to see anything.

The water's streaming down
the windows. Hammerhead...

Did they put cones
out for you today?
No, they didn't bother.

Only last week we had that for
Chris Evans.
Just Radio 2 DJs get that.

Again, that looks neat
and tidy and good.

I got to tell you,
this is not easy, chaps.

Now, this is...
That's the Follow-through.
Nicely done.

Now,
I'm into fourth about now.

- Second-to-last corner,
can't cut that.
- This isn't going to be good.

No, you kissed the apex,
which is exactly right.

Can't touch the grass here...

Oh! You have touched it there,
and across the line!

-(APPLAUSE)
-Now, that looked good.

That looked good,
because it didn't look
as mad as the practice stuff.

-What's that?
-You're leaning forwards.

What does that mean?

It's a sign. Every week,
everybody comes on and they've
been really relaxed

and it gets to the time.
"I'm not bothered."

(MIMICS SQUEAKING CHAIR)

Well, I shouldn't be bothered,

because I know I did
a pretty
appalling performance.

No...

Yes. But...

But the thing is,
the conditions were dreadful.

No question about that.

No idea how fast you'd have
gone on the dry,
but I can tell you,

Guy Ritchie,
in the wet you did it in...

1:52.5.

-Which means...
I'll give you a very wet.
-(APPLAUSE)

- ...you go...
- Oh, that's bad.

Oh!

...between Tom Jones
and Helen Mirren.

-Not bad!
-(LAUGHTER)

How many cars did
you go through?

I went through four
cars today.

- Four?
- Yep. Four tyres.

- Punctures?
- And a gearbox.

- And a gearbox?
- Yeah.

That is a new record!

We can end on a record!
Ladies and gentlemen,
Guy Ritchie!

-Thank you very much.
-(CHEERING AND APPLAUSE)

Bad news! Bad news!

We've had another letter from
Mr Needham.
I shall read it out.

"Dear so-called Top Gear,

"last year,
I asked if you had forgotten
how to do normal road tests

"on your so-called television
show, and you responded with
an idiotic feature

"in which a Ford Fiesta
was driven at high speed
through a shopping centre

"and then off a Royal Marines
landing craft, into the sea."

It was, actually.
Well done, Jeremy!

"So I ask again. Will you
please do a normal test in
which the concerns

"of the average viewer are
addressed? Yours sincerely,
Mr Needham, Belfast."

We all thought,
"Yeah, fair enough.
We must respond."

And then Jeremy
stepped into the breach.
Again.

JEREMY: To get Mr
Needham off my back,

I've actually come to the city
where he lives.

Belfast.

And this is
the car I'll be testing.

Renault's sporty
little Twingo 133.

(COUGHS)

Unfortunately,
on the way over
here yesterday,

I caught a cold.

Well, when I say cold,
it's actually gangrene.

Of my lungs.

But...I'm a man,
so I shall simply...

(COUGHS)

Excuse me. ...soldier on.

Oh, has anyone
got any Night Nurse?

Oh, yes! I should say so.

I've always loved
small, hot hatchbacks,

and this is one of the best.

It's so nimble and agile.
It's like driving a mosquito.

Not literally,
of course, Mr Needham.

It's impossible
to drive an insect
and cruel to even try.

It's pretty quick too.

Thanks to a revvy 1.6-litre
engine, it can get from 0
to 60 in 8.7 seconds

and on to a top speed of 125.

But is it faster
than its big rival,

the Fiat 500 Abarth?

Tell you what, let's find out.

(ENGINES REV)

(TYRES SCREECH)

Pleased with my start.

No.

Very, is the simple answer.

Even if you drive
with verve and gusto,

you should still average
40 miles to the gallon.

However, that said,

the Fiat 500 Abarth
will average 43
miles to the gallon.

Simple.

The Renault is £1,000 cheaper
and you can have one now.

The waiting list for an Abarth
stretches into 2010.

And I shall be dead by then.

In fact, the way I'm feeling,
I'll probably be dead by 5.30.

But I'm not making a fuss,
I'm just making a point.

Soldiering on
on your behalf, Mr Needham.

No.

It's red.

(COUGHS)

Sorry, what was the question?

In a nutshell, yes.

If you buy
the standard £12,200 car,

it's really not bad at all.

But the car I have here
has what Renault
call the Cup chassis.

It's a £650 option
which gives you
firmer suspension,

ultra low-profile tyres
and 17-inch wheels.

On a track, that's marvellous.

But on a normal road,
it is extremely firm.

And the result is that,
on some bumps,

the jolt is so bad

that your lungs can come off.

Like that one.

Is this thorough
enough for you,
Mr Needham? I hope so.

Well, it's got a radio,
air conditioning,
electric windows

and electric door mirrors.

But I'm afraid to say

no parachute system.

So, if you wake up one morning
to find that
someone has put your car

on top of
a Harland and Wolff crane,

you're never going
to get it down again.

Bad mark for Renault there.

You would be amazed
how often I get
asked that question.

So, to get an answer,
I've come to
the network of sewage tunnels

underneath Belfast,
and for the next few minutes,

we've asked
the people in the city
to, um, cross their legs.

Oh, God!

Oh, dear! Splashing!

Oh, dear!

I've considered
the diameter of the tunnel,

the car's centre of gravity,
everything,
and I've worked out

the precise speed
I need to be going
is 17.5 metres per second.

I just wish I
knew what that was
in miles an hour

cos that's what I'm getting
on the speedo.

I think it's about 37.

37mph. There we are,
it's roughly there.

And here we go.

Building it up.

If this goes wrong,
I really am in
a world of sh...

Here we go! Aargghh!

(TYRES SCREECH)

Yes!

Ha-ha!

There you are, Mr Needham.

If you're looking to drive
upside down through
the tunnels of Belfast,

Twingo 133 - absolutely ideal.

Obviously,
it's not a very large car.

But if you push
those rear seats
all the way back,

there is enough
room back there
for children.

And then if you pull them
all the way forwards,

there is enough
space in the boot

for Ross Kemp.

So, Ross, are you OK in there?

A bit of a squeeze
but quite comfy.

Quite comfy? Good.
Good mark for Renault there.

Obviously, we keep being told
that global warming is coming

and that soon,
we won't have
a winter to worry about.

But we do now.

That's why I've come to
a little slice of ice

at the Odyssey Arena.

(ENGINE REVS)

In theory, this should
be quite good because in
a front-wheel drive car,

the heavy engine
is pressing down
on the driven wheels,

giving you better grip,
better traction.

Here we go!

A lot of revs, first gear,
5,000, 4,000...

29, 30...

46.

107 registered there!

133mph there!

That is quick on ice.

In a lot of cars,
the anti-lock
braking system doesn't work

on snow or ice,
so let's see how
it is in the Twingo.

And...

Brake.

I don't know why I'm looking
at my watch - it's
got no second hand.

That was a long time.

Now the ice
hockey players are here
and they want to come on.

I know. Sorry. I'll get off.

Come on!

I'm sorry.
I am trying to leave.

I am. Just bear with me.

This was harder
than you might imagine.

There's the exit.

Let's just...

No,
I'm not going to make that.
Not going to make it.

Just going to hit the wall.
That's bad!
Mustn't hit the wall.

(THEY SHOUT)

Wait!

Keep your hair on.

Sadly, the ice hockey players
wouldn't wait any more.

They're playing a bloody game!

(BLEEP) What was that?

You've just pushed me!

Arghhh!

Eventually, this ended badly.

Oh, my God! I hit him.

That's astonishing.

There isn't a mark on it.

And since
the skater seems to be OK,

we have to say
the Twingo scores well
for pedestrian safety.

Especially,
if the pedestrian you hit
is dressed up like that.

We've all been there.
Lost. In a shipyard.

Your biorhythms are wrong.
You're feeling
under the weather.

Just not concentrating
quite as hard
as you should be.

The next thing you know is...

(THUD!)

It's just one of those days
where you're judgment's out

and you think,
"I can go through that,"
and then it turns out...

(METAL SCRAPES)

...you just can't.

Of course, you may say
that you would
never drive a car

when you were
feeling under the weather,

but even if you
are that responsible,

the day will still come
when you pull
up at a junction,

and while you're checking
to make sure nothing's coming,

you will be hit
up the backside
by Blind Jack the milkman.

(ROSS KEMP LAUGHS)

That really hurt!

Then,
of course, the day will come
when you lend your car

to your 17-year-old son.

And he's going to be
driving along in it
and he will think,

"Mm, if I pull this handbrake
lever, all my girlfriend's
clothes will fall off."

Of course,
we know that doesn't happen.

We know that what actually
happens when you pull
the handbrake lever

is this...

- (TYRES SCREECH)
- ROSS KEMP: Ah!

Jeremy, that (BLEEP) hurt.
Thank you very much.

This is one of the joys
of the hot hatch.

They're as much fun to
drive as supercars

but you can get
Ross Kemp in the boot

and they don't cost
a fortune to repair.

The front wing, for example,
for a Renault Twingo - £66.

The front wing
for a Lamborghini -
£2,430.

We've all been
in this situation.

The boat! It's still here
and I can make it.

Come on!

Being late for a ferry
can drive a man mad.

(TYRES SCREECH)

You forget there's going to be
another ferry later on.

No, there isn't! This is the
last ferry ever
and I must catch it!

(TYRES SCREECH)

The thing is, though,
this little Twingo could just
be the ideal car for the job.

(BELL RINGS)

(TYRES SCREECH)

Ahh... That's not gone well.

A Fiat Abarth may
be more fun to own,

more fun to look at,
but this,
with the Cup chassis,

is sharper.

(TYRES SCREECH)

(TYRES SCREECH)

It's a very,
very good little car, this!

(TYRES SCREECH)

Handbrake.
...Oh, I've overdone it!

(TYRES SCREECH)

(BLEEP)

Just because it's left,
it does not mean
I'm going to give in.

How hard can it be?

When I get out of here,
I'm going to hurt you.

-Here we go!
-(TYRES SCREECH)

(ENGINE REVS)

Aarghhhhh!

Oh, my God!

(CHEERING AND APPLAUSE)

RICHARD: What was that?

- It was like an acid trip!
- What?

It was just mad!
What was going on?

Seriously, how much Night
Nurse did you take before
you did that film?

A lot. But not so much that
I wasn't able to work out
that that car...

-it's just brilliant.
-JAMES: Ahem!

It was a brilliant car.

- Yeah, cos where is it now?
- It's at
the bottom of the sea.

-Jeremy,
as a test, that was rubbish.
-I had a cold.

I did. I didn't make a fuss,
I just got on with it.

But the important
thing is, I survived.

-What about Ross Kemp?
-No.

(LAUGHTER)

Sadly, he didn't make it.

And that really is a bombshell
that we can end on this week.

Thank you very much
for watching tonight.

Take very good care.
Good night!

(CHEERING AND APPLAUSE)