Top Gear (2002–…): Season 14, Episode 3 - Episode #14.3 - full transcript

James and Richard tried to solve the caravan problem by making a caravan fly with James piloting it to the campsite while Richard drives the Lamborghini Gallardo Balboni to the same ...


JEREMY: Tonight,
James wears a stripy jumper.

Richard drives
a stripy Lamborghini.

And we name
the greatest car maker
in the world.

(CHEERING AND APPLAUSE)

Thank you, everybody.
Thank you.

Thank you so much, everybody.
Wow!

Noisy!

Now, as we know...as we know,
you can never get
rid of a baddie,

no matter how
much you kill them.

Remember Glenn Close
in Fatal Attraction?

She was stabbed,
she was drowned.

Half an hour later, rurr!
Reared up out of the bath.

Then you've got the Daleks,
and then you've got Blofeld,

then you've got
Peter Mandelson.

They just keep coming back.

And then
there's Top Gear's
perennial baddie.

JAMES: Yes, it's the caravan.

As regular viewers of Dave
will know, we have,
over the last 24 hours,

done our very
best to rid the world
of the caravan menace.

I think there's
one more, actually.

That is,
you'll agree, sterling work

in our battle
to free the roads
of these mobile traffic jams.

Sadly,
it's a battle we're losing.

There are now almost
half a million
caravans on UK roads,

and the British
are the most prolific
caravanning nation in Europe -

a title we've held
for almost four years,

according to
the Caravan Council.

In short, they're building
them faster than we
can destroy them.

So we need
a scientific approach
to getting them off the roads,

and I may have found it.

(ALARM BLARES)

(JAMES BOND INCIDENTAL MUSIC)

It works!

What you're
witnessing here, viewers,

is the maiden voyage
of the world's
first caravan airship,

and I believe
this is the solution
to all our problems.

There are only two ways
to go caravanning.

You can have your
two-litre diesel,

tow your caravan, obscure
the view of all the people
you're annoying,

or you can bring it up here.

Everybody wins.
Driving is more fun,
caravanning is more exciting.

However,
as with all cutting-edge
engineering projects,

there are teething problems.

Normally, you drive along
with your caravan and your car

and when you get to
your caravan site,
you have a car to use.

I don't, of course, so I need

somebody to take the car
to the caravan site for me.

And for that, I'm calling on
my old
caravan-destroying mate,

Mr Richard Hammond.

RICHARD: Yes, and because
it doesn't have to lug
the caravan around,

it can be a nice car.

This car will never,
ever hitch itself
to a Swift Rapide.

It's a Lamborghini, probably
the least
caravan-ish car company ever.

This is their new
Gallardo Balboni.

It's a tribute to Valentino
Balboni, Lamborghini's most
famous test driver.

Although he wore
a cardigan to work,
he was a mentalist.

As a tribute to
his mentalness,

this particular Gallardo
is the most mental Lambo
there's been for a while.

But more of that later,

because first, I shall ring
James and offer him
some encouragement.

- Hammond, May.
- That thing is
gonna crash and burn

and explode and
you'll be scattered
in a million pieces

- across
the English countryside.
- Don't be so defeatist.

Anyway,
I've got an address for you.

It's Hunter's
Moon Caravan Club,

which is just
outside Wareham in Dorset.

I've made the booking,
they're expecting an airship,

and I'll take you
for lunch by the river.

Right, see you in a bit.
Caravanning in a Lamborghini.

I think he might actually
be on to something here.

Let me tell you a bit about
the caravan airship.
It's 125 feet long,

110,000 cubic feet of hot air
holding it up,

and it's a very,
very ingenious solution

because all
the caravan attachments
are still here.

The instruments flip up
out of the table,

the gas burners go where
the cooker would be and can
be used for cooking,

the beds fit where
I'm sitting here.

It is still a caravan -
it's just a flying caravan.

It floats in
the infinite blue.
It's superb.

RICHARD:
Meanwhile, on the ground,

this was turning
into the best drive
to a caravan site ever.

According to Top Gear
research, 37% of caravanners
enjoy wife-swapping.

Well, think what's
going to happen when

the keys to this baby
come out of the pot.

Oh, yeah.

As I was saying, because
this is a tribute to their
looniest test driver,

Lambo have ditched the usual
four-wheel
drive for a Gallardo

and gone back to the old
hairy-chested
rear-wheel drive.

That makes it 120kg lighter.

Ordinary steel
brakes instead of
carbon ceramic fancy ones.

It's Lamborghini's punk album.

- Hammond, it's May.
- Ooh, hello.

- You're alive!
- How are you?

- I'm very well.
How's it going?
- Pretty good.

- Slight issue on the horizon,
though.
- What?

It's not the fastest aircraft
in the world.

How not quick is it?

- Well, top speed is about 17.
- 70 miles an hour's not bad.

In a straight line.

- No, 17 miles an hour.
- Oh, God.

I think Dorset
might be a bit far,

so I've got a new
address for you.
Are you ready?

What, another address?

Dale Acres Caravan Club site,
that's in Kent.

- Kent?
- Yeah.

Probably not my first
choice of
caravanning destinations.

I know, but it's not
miles from here, mate.

- I'll buy you an ice cream.
- I'll see you there.

Right, camp site number two,
here we come.

It's now time for a spot
of airborne lunch.

This is unquestionably
the most powerful cooker

ever fitted to
a two-berth caravan.

Very well cooked on one side.

OK, another B road,
through another
village somewhere.

It's all part
of the adventure
of caravanning.

Back to the Balboni.

The thing is, the basicness
just makes it better to drive.

The steering
feels so much quicker

because there's
no four-wheel
drive in the way.

And this gear change,
the manual box,

it just feels...
It's like shaking hands
with an old friend.

The only thing
that isn't basic
is price, because, weirdly,

this stripped-out,
strictly functional
Gallardo costs £163,000,

which is 18 grand dearer than
the ordinary
four-wheel drive one,

so maybe less really is more.

The Balboni propelled me
towards our camp site in Kent.

And then James rang again.

Hello.

- Hello.
- Are you ringing

- from the grave?
- No, not at all.

It's going
marvellously up here,
mate. You'd love it.

- There is one
slight hitch, though.
- All right, what's up now?

The performance is
slightly marginal.

If I get a headwind of more
than 13 knots,
I start to go backwards.

What, you can't go into a wind
of more than 13 knots?

- No.
- What's the wind speed now?

Well, it was 12.

So you're telling me
you're being
blown around Britain?

I'll take too long
to get down to Kent,

so I'm going to turn round
and go the other way,
up to Suffolk.

- Right.
- Anyway,
I've got an address for you.

Why didn't you just ring up
and book us into

every caravan site in Britain
before we left?

Stop nit-picking, will you?

What a Norbert!

If this airship caravanning
scheme of his catches on,
what we'll have

is the skies full of airships
crashing into each other

whenever the wind gets up
and then
the roads full of cars

crashing into each other
because they have to
keep turning round.

OK, camp site number three.

JAMES: With the wind
behind me, I headed for our
new destination.

MAN: Good morning.
Caravan Club, Chris speaking.
How can I help?

Hi. I was wondering if there
were any pitches available
at the White House

- Beach Club this afternoon,
please?
- What's your surname?

May. M-A-Y.

Can I just ask if you have
facilities for people
arriving by airship?

By airship? Right, OK, um...

Are you actually a member
of the Caravan Club?

Here I am in the village of...
of, er...here,
this village, and it's

somewhere I would
never have seen.

That's a really,
really big tower
over there.

That's...well, that's clearly
just a danger to caravanners,
isn't it?

I mean, look at it.

Must remember to tell James
about that.

As it turned out,
at that moment,

James had more than a tower
to worry about.

Mayday, Mayday, Mayday!

Norwich Golf Papa Golf,
I am about to
enter your air space.

MAN: Golf Tango Oscar
Papa Golf, Norwich,

you are entering
an area of intense
aerial activity at the moment.

It is imperative
that you remain clear,
well clear.

Norwich Golf Papa Golf,
sorry, cannot comply.
Have no control

over airship owing
to wind conditions.

Tango Oscar Papa Golf,
remain well clear.

Norwich, cannot comply.

Papa Golf,
you have traffic left,
11 o'clock,

range of half a mile,
fast moving.

- Similar left.
- Roger.
Have visual, Golf Papa Golf.

Golf Papa Golf. Further
traffic in your right,
three o'clock, right left.

(BLEEP) Bloody cock!

RADIO: BBC Radio 1.
Newsbeat...

Right, that's the news report.

No news of a massive fireball
burning over Northamptonshire

or of people in
the streets being hit

by pieces of long burning hair
and bad jumper.

Anyway, I'm probably
being pessimistic.

I'm sure it's going very well.

(SIRENS WAIL)

No! Stay where you are, man!

Golf Papa Golf,
I'm heading very close
to the KLM Cityhopper.

Can you advise them please
not to start up or take off?

Papa Golf Norwich.
The police helicopter
will shortly be approaching.

Golf Papa Golf,
police helicopter
really not necessary.

I will attempt
to clear your zone

at this altitude.
Golf Papa Golf,
please don't call the police.

Norfolk Police helicopter
Oscar 99 to Golf Tango...

Roger, Golf Papa Golf. Cock!

Delta 99.

Not really aware
of your intentions,

but you've strayed
into the controlled
air space of Norwich Airport.

I may be about to get
a colossal
aviation bollocking.

Suffolk, a popular
holiday destination.

Just a few miles away now.

James will have landed,

set the van up,
organised our
little home from home,

probably got the kettle on.

JAMES: With the wrath of the
sky cops still
ringing in my ears,

finally,
I reached a caravan site.

I didn't know if it
was the one I'd booked into,
but it would do.

Here we go.
The landing you
won't even notice.

This is a lovely approach
over the trees.

Just a matter of
arresting descent
with little bursts of gas.

What I'm actually doing here
is helping to realise a dream

that was held by
many great men,

people who envisaged
the elegance and the majesty
of lighter than air flight.

Count Zeppelin, Nevil Shute,
Barnes Wallis -
this is for them.

A bit of drift. A bit of...

Drifting. Oh, God!
Cocking Nora,
this is difficult!

Gas! Gas!

It's going down.

No!

Keep it upright.

I may be going
sideways slightly.

Mayday!

No!

Oh, bloody hell, stop! Stop!

Stop!

(CHEERING AND APPLAUSE)

Come on!

Papa Charlie Echo Charlie
Charlie Whisker Echo Papa.
What?

I think that idea
has a lot of promise.

James, airships don't
and never have worked.

You can't land any
aircraft that flies
by being full of hot air.

I've been in
a hot-air balloon once,

and it landed by dragging
itself sideways through
a hedge and a field,

and I ended up jammed
on top of the Lady
Mayoress in the basket.

Long story, but I did.

Ridiculous.
I don't want to talk about
lighter than air transport.

I want to talk
about the Lambo.

It's heroically daft.

By going down from four-wheel
to rear-wheel drive,

it's that bit more bonkers.

It's like free climbing

rather than with those ropes
and harnesses. It's fabulous.

We must now compare it, cos
it's rear-wheel drive,
to a Ferrari 430.

Yeah. It's not as good,
but it's better.

I know. It's the panto,
it's the white stripe.

- Supercar.
- It's just amazing.

You got to drive it a lot more
than you thought because of

the freak weather conditions
that blighted James,
the light breezes.

Light breeze?
It was more like
a ruddy hurricane.

JEREMY:
It was not a hurricane!
It was puffy clouds.

- It was a breeze.
It was a breeze.
- Let's do the news.

Now. The Danes have
made an announcement.

They're going to start
making a supercar.

This is it. That has got a V8
that's supercharged
and turbo-charged,

and they say all
of the components,
where possible,

are going to be
made and sourced

by companies in Denmark.

- Really?
- Yeah.

Is it going to
be made of bacon?

Will it be
lubricated with Lurpak?
Cos that's Danish.

I tell you what it'll be like.
You know Bang & Olufsen?

Beautiful Danish design,

and then inside,
as far as I'm aware,
it's all Philips electronics.

So that's what it'll be like.

Extraordinary. Doesn't stop
you buying pretty much
everything they make.

I am a bit of a sucker
for Bang & Olufsen.

Oh! A bit!

Have you been
in the new Audis?
New Audis have got

Bang & Olufsen speakers
that rise up out
of the dashboard

when you turn the stereo on.

And I should
think you're rising up
along with them.

I am.

I don't know
what it is about it.
It works like catnip on him.

If you give him a Bang
& Olufsen stereo, his front
legs grab it to his chest,

and his back legs kick it like
that, and he rolls around,
"I love it, I love it!"

What's catnip? What is catnip?

If you've got a cat,
you'll know,

it's like a herb,
and you give it to your cat,

they go bonkers.

The only thing I ever want
to give a cat is its name and
address to my dogs.

I like the idea that your dogs
will hunt down cats just from
a name and address.

They are. He said the other
day, when I said I'd set
my dog on his cat,

"It won't be able to do it."

What, your gay dog
comes round to see my cat?

He'd get his
bloody head kicked in!

Anyway, Bang & Olufsen
brings me back to that car,

because I think
that looks absolutely fant...

- I don't care if
it is made of bacon.
- What's it called?

Bang & Lurpak,
something like that.

Now, I don't know
if you saw in
the papers this week,

a woman had a baby while
she was on her way
to hospital in a Kia.

They've called the baby Kia.

Could have been worse.

It could have been Proton.

Because these people
called their baby Kia,

Kia, the people who make
the cars, have actually
given them a Kia car.

We've got
a picture of the handover.

There you go. This brings
us on to a very important
Top Gear top tip.

If you're on your way
to hospital in labour,
and you're in a Kia,

for God's sake, get out!

Let the child be christened
Skip, Bus Stop,

Phone Box,
anything, just get out.

"I christen this child,
Doorway Of Currys."

Cos at least that way
you'd get a free microwave

and not
a hideous car like that.

I reckon this whole story
and baby Kia here,

it could spark
a whole load of copycats,

a load of dads waiting until
the very last
minute on the due date

and then secretly hiring
a Lamborghini Murcielago

and driving really slowly
to the hospital.

"Are you all right, darling?
Think you can hang on?"

Yeah, why are you called
Pagani Zonda With The Optional
Ceramic Brake Package?

Now, last weekend,
the three of us
were in Middlesbrough,

and on Saturday night
we had to drive
back to England.

Which meant going...

You know what I mean.
It meant going
back down the M1.

The truth of the matter
is that all three of us had
been away from home

for six weeks or something,
looking forward to
seeing our families.

So belting down the M1,
and you arrive
in Leicestershire,

and there is a 20-mile
set of roadworks there.

20 miles, which have average
speed cameras set
at 50 miles an hour

for the entire length.

Traffic's light, there's
no rain, it's three lanes,
but you're forced to do 50.

I don't know who
the Minister of Transport is,

but I want him to find the man
who came up with that idea,

go round to his office on
Monday morning

and punch him really hard
in the side of his head.
Just boof!

Because if he doesn't,
I'm going to find the man

and I'm going to attach him
to a milling machine

and see if it's possible
to turn a man's head
into a perfect cube.

D'you know why they have
the 50-mile-an-hour
speed limit?

To protect the workforce,
who weren't there.

They were in bed,
where I wanted to be.

I agree with you entirely.

But the answer is not
cubing people's heads.

The answer is,
when the workforce
isn't there, do 70.

You're just going
to get nicked.

No, but if everybody
does 70...

Who here would do
70 through roadworks
with an average speed camera?

Nobody, James. You go charging
through and you're just
going to get booked.

That's fine. You can test it.
Stay to 70 because that is
the speed limit.

You take it to court
in front of a jury,
and you argue, correctly,

that it is wrong to apply
the 50-mile-an-hour
speed limit

- when there's
no-one there to protect.
- So you're saying it's logic?

It is logic.

- It's logic to
kill Peter Mandelson.
- No, it isn't.

It is, but you can't do it.

Killing Peter
Mandelson is a grey area,

but doing 70 miles an hour
on the motorway
is an absolute.

How many people went on
that anti-war march?
A million.

We went to war.
How many people
went on the countryside march?

400,000,
and fox-hunting was banned.

The Government
is not interested
in the will of the people,

particularly if it was just
one pedantic,
long-haired, old queen,

standing up in court saying,
"I did 70 cos it's logical."

RICHARD:
You're absolutely right.

Speed limits on motorways
can be a pain,

and there's two solutions
outlined for you.

Revolution or
cubing people's heads,

or
alternatively you could just
leave a bit earlier.

No, cube their heads!

Set off five minutes earlier.
Stop your moaning.

- It's not five minutes.
- It's five minutes a day.

If you have to... Anyone here
from Leicestershire?
Is anyone here...

How did you get here? Jesus!

Jesus is from Leicestershire!

It is Jesus! Come here, Jesus.
Come and talk to me.

- Congratulations for...
- Thank you.

It's slightly bigger news
than the M1, but we'll gloss
over the Second Coming.

- Do you commute
on that bit of road?
- No, I go the back way.

- Because of that?
- Yeah.

How much is it
adding to your transport
every day?

Er, about ten minutes,
quarter of an hour.

- Ten minutes a day?
- Each way.

Each way, five days a week.
So that's an hour
and 40 minutes a week

the Government is
stealing from Jesus.

- That's right.
- Now, that is an issue.

Thank you, Jesus,
for sharing that with us.

Gordon Brown is stealing
an hour and 40
minutes from Jesus.

Anyway, time to move on.

Because last week,
we asked you
to nominate the car maker

that you thought over the
years has made the largest
number of great cars.

There have been a couple
of quite
interesting nominations.

One was Matchbox.

That was a surprise.

Very clever, I thought.
The other was James May.

He actually
tied with Chrysler.

It was weird cos he's only
ever made one great car,
James, the Eagle Ham Thrust.

It was a really great car.

Anyway, this is the top ten.

We've Ferrari, Lamborghini,
and coming up now we
have the top three.

- Here they are.
- Thank you.

- Automatic board.
- Automatic sign.
Cost a lot of money.

- Hi-tech. Very modern.
- In third place,

according to you,
the voters...

BMW. Third place.

In second place,
even though they made

the worst car in the history
of the world ever, the Beetle.

- It's VW.
- It's Volkswagen.

No applauding that.

You can applaud
this if you like.
The winner - it's Ford!

(CHEERING)

JEREMY: So that is it.

The thing is,
though, you're wrong.

- Yeah.
- No, you are.

Ford hasn't won this at all.

Because we reckon Ford's made
four great cars
over the years.

But the car company we think
is at the top of this
list has made seven.

Exactly. The car company
we've got in mind...

There were 350 million people
watching last week's show

when we asked for you to vote.

The number of
people who voted for

what we think is the greatest
car company in
the world was nine.

- Not nine million. Just nine.
- Just nine.

- No ideas?
- Made some of
the prettiest cars ever?

Let me put it this way -
Mitsubishi has won the World
Rally Championship once,

Subaru three times,
Ford three times.

The company we've got in mind
won it ten times.

No?
Silence. OK then, watch this.

JEREMY:
This is a collection of art,
of madness, of brilliance.

This is
a collection of pornography.

This is
a collection of Lancias.

But this,
annoyingly, is the Lancia
people remember best of all,

the Beta.

It was made from steel so thin

that on a windy day
it would
actually change shape.

And it wasn't much cop
in the rain either.

This was fine yesterday,
but then this morning we had
a bit of a shower,

and now look at it.

The fact is, though,
that all Lancias had problems.

The Gamma, for instance,

exploded every time you turned
the steering wheel.

And then there was the Fulvia.

It is a fantastic
little car, this.

It's like
driving...a rorty sorbet.

With its clever V4 engine,
a Fulvia was
actually the first Lancia

to win the World
Rally Championship.

Thing is, though, when
all is said and done, it was
a very small, 1.3 litre,

front-wheel drive,
two-door saloon car.

But it cost, when it was new,
more than an E-Type Jaguar.

We forgave the Fulvia
its silly price tag,

though, because of
what made it great.

The same thing that made
almost all Lancias great -
the way it looked.

It really is as pretty as
the sun setting
over Charlize Theron.

In its day, this was too.
The streamlined Aprilia,

the first car
ever to be designed
in a wind tunnel.

But inevitably
there were problems.

For example,
the doors opened like this,
and that was lovely.

Meant getting in
and out was very easy.

However,
when they were closed,
they didn't quite meet,

so quite a lot of weather
could get inside
as you drove along.

And it was only made with
right-hand drive,

which is fine in Britain
and Sweden, which drove on
the left at the time,

but it was quite annoying
everywhere else.

And then there
was the Montecarlo.

This was a wonderful car,
a mid-engined mini-Ferrari.

But because it was
actually a Lancia,
the things that were right

were balanced out
by the things that were wrong.

If you so much as looked
at the middle pedal,

the brakes would lock up
and you'd crash into a tree.

Lancia took
the thing very seriously,

so much so that
they stopped
production for two years

whilst they
looked for a solution.

And they found one.
What they did
was remove the brake servo,

so then it had
no brakes at all.

And... Oooh! Er... Oh.

The Montecarlo, then,
was quite dangerous.

But in that Lancia way,
it was so pretty

I wanted one more than
I wanted my next breath.

Sometimes, though,
Lancia's lunacy
did produce results.

Did you know Lancia
was the first car company

ever to sell a car
with a monocoque?

They were the first to offer
a five-speed gear box.

JEREMY: The first to ever
sell a car with supercharging
and turbo-charging

on the same engine.

First to sell a road car
with a V6 engine.

First to sell a car
with an electric boot spoiler.

So they did all
these significant
mechanical firsts,

and yet still,
if you say to anyone "Lancia",

they snigger and say,
"They fall apart."

I know. It's ridiculous.

JEREMY: Holy moly!

- Has the bumper come off?
- I believe it has, yes.

You need to define greatness,
and that's
the important thing.

Just because
something is unreliable...

RICHARD: Whoa.

...doesn't mean
it isn't great.

Stephen Hawkins - great bloke,
even though a lot
of him doesn't work.

Yeah.
I wouldn't break it to him
like that.

No, but that's...

But the principle stands,
yeah, it does.

Meryl Streep -
everybody says
she's a great actress,

and then she goes and appears
in Mamma Mia,
the worst film ever made.

RICHARD: But she's still
a great actress.

Have you seen Mamma Mia?

- Yes, I have.
- You big girl.

JEREMY: To prove that even
the tattiest Lancia is tougher
than you might think,

we have bought this 1982 HPE.

And I shall now
drive it non-stop

through the night
on a rough rally stage.

And I shall be racing...
No, not racing.

Been told about that.
Dangerous.

Um, driving at the same time
on the same track

in a similar vintage car,
this Morris Marina.

Right. Hammond, winner,
last one still running.

Yep, fair enough.

Let's do it!

(ENGINE STRUGGLES TO START)

This is not a promising start

in dispelling the myth
that Lancias
weren't very good.

- (ENGINE KICKS IN)
- Yes!

Never doubted it.

Obviously, the Marina won't
work because these vile,
hateful things are hopeless.

- (ENGINE ROARS INTO LIFE)
- God.

Now, you might be saying,
"Oh, it's a Morris Marina.

"A piano's going
to fall on it."

The more eagle-eyed viewer
may have spotted I have
taken the precaution

of buying a Marina that's
already had a piano land
on it, so job done.

Since we were
doing serious research,

we'd agreed that
there would be no
childish racing.

Don't hit Hammond.

I've hit Hammond!

RICHARD: That's OK, that's OK.

Proving what
a fine and strong breed
of car the Lancia always was.

I hope I don't hit Jeremy
just as he goes round this
really difficult corner.

Oh, he's got the outside
there. He'll never get by,
and he hasn't.

Ha-ha!

But we're not racing. We're
not racing. We're not...
This is driving me mad.

He's through while I got
my sun visor out of the way!

JEREMY: For hour after hour,

we continued to not race
round the rally stage.

It's now, as you can see,
pretty close to dark.

Still literally no
faults to report,
absolutely none.

RICHARD: Eventually,
after not racing some more...

JEREMY: Come on!

RICHARD: ...the Marina
began to pull ahead.

It is,
of course, a well-known fact
that a piano on the roof

aids traction and
gives you more speed
on a rally special stage.

RICHARD:
But then, predictably,
it broke down.

Tools...

So I went to get some tools
to try and fix it.

JEREMY: There he is!
It's Hammond!
He's out!

He's down!

(JEREMY LAUGHS UPROARIOUSLY)

JEREMY: The Lancia soldiered
on alone, but then I got
a warning light.

Literally.

Oh no! It's... Yes, look...

I can't see
through the flames!

I've got to blow this out.
Oh God!

Maybe if I sped up,
like in Memphis Belle.

Come on!
No, that's not working.

I can't see anything.

No matter,
though, because here's proof

that Lancias are
tough and strong
and dependable.

It's getting quite bad now.

So now, can we please move on?

This is a Stratos.

It had a 2.4 litre Ferrari V6,
mounted in the middle.

It was Italian,
it was styled by Bertone

and it was
completely impractical.

It therefore ticked
all the supercar boxes.

But unlike any other supercar
before or since,

it wasn't designed
to be parked in Monte Carlo.

It was designed to
get there, like this.

Its absurdly short wheel base
meant it was agile

and the Ferrari
power meant it was fast.

So fast that it
won the World Rally
Championship three times.

And joy of joys,
they made 500 Stratoses
for people to buy.

- Aarrggh!
- Oh-ho-ho!

(ENGINE ROARS)

Oh, that's a proper noise.

What a fantastic car!

JEREMY: Of course,
there were a few
problems with it.

Chief among which
was a lack of space inside.

A gynaecologist
would get in here
and go, "God, I'm at work!"

It's like climbing into
a giant... somebody else's
giant red posing pouch.

James May's!

I'm going for a gear change.

Stop touching my knee!

- You try changing gear.
- You grasped hold of my knee.

You've got to.
I'm going to change gear now.

This will
involve man touching.

JEREMY: And the list of faults
doesn't end with
the tiny cockpit.

Why did they give
the passenger the pedals and
the driver the wheel?

I don't know.
They're definitely

- over to the right-hand side.
- Yeah.

You're sort of
sitting a bit sideways.

These window winders are...

A tad basic.
It's not very good.

The other thing I really like
as well is,

you know a Porsche
puts the rev counter

- right in front of you.
- Yes.

Lancia,
in this, put the oil pressure
right in front of you.

What does that tell you!

JEREMY: So, not perfect.

But then you look at it,

and there's the thing,
because it just sort of is.

This is one of
the best cars ever made.

Yeah, I'd go with that.

On the grounds of
its achievement,

but also that slightly more
subjective thing

of how gorgeous it looks.
This...
Stop doing that to my knee.

- Just move your leg.
- That was a stroke,
that was a stroke!

- Move it!
- Well, I can't...

JEREMY: After
the Stratos came the 037.

The last
two-wheel drive car to win
the World Rally Championship.

And the only two-wheel
drive car to beat
the mighty Audi Quattro.

The thing is, though,
no-one really
remembers the 037.

Then there's the Thema 832.

Lancia's answer to the BMW M5.

No-one really
remembers this, either,

even though it
had a fully fledged
Ferrari V8 under the bonnet.

We don't really remember
any of Lancia's
seven great cars,

and all because of
what happened in 1980.

Lancia was forced by pressure
from the media
to spend a fortune

buying back rusty Betas,

scrapping them and giving
their owners brand new cars.

It was a PR disaster.

In Britain,
Lancia's
reputation was ruined.

And in 1994, they pulled out
of the market altogether.

However, before the most
charismatic car maker of them
all finally went,

they left us with one final
reminder of what they can
do when they try.

This is the Delta Integrale,

a four-wheel- drive,
turbo charged rally car

that picked up where
the Fulvia, the Stratos and
the 037 left off.

This thing won the World Rally
Championship six
times on the trot.

Six times!

And you can feel
that DNA in here.

The steering is
so neat, precise.

Feeling that there.

Feel it settle into a turn
and just grip,

just pull itself back
into the corner.

The turbo comes on song.

Oh-ho-ho!

Having learnt their lesson
with the Aprilia,

Lancia weren't going to be
stupid enough to make these
only in right-hand drive,

so they made them
left-hand drive...only.

Only Lancia.

Despite this,
a good one of these today
is worth £25,000.

And I'm not surprised.

Because this is
a very unusual Lancia.

It wasn't very pretty.

But, God, it was good.

It's so pretty.

Unbelievably pretty.

I actually want one.
I'm standing
here thinking, "I want one."

But, what I love about Lancia
is that they never once said,

"Let's just
make a medium car."

No, they were always doing
experiments. Some of
the experiments worked,

- some didn't.
- But that's the nature of it.

They might think, "Can we make
an engine with
seven-and-a-half cylinders?"

Let's see if we can make
the windows go up and down,
not with electricity,

but with magic. Abracadabra!
No, it hasn't worked.
Sell it anyway.

Exactly,
and that's what made them
so magnificent.

They are still going today,
but now they're just
a division of Fiat,

making things like this,
which is neither very
pretty nor very good.

What it is in essence
is a Fiat Bravo

with Rio Ferdinand's face
stuck on the front.

(LAUGHTER)

But fear not,
because if you still
hanker over the glory days,

later in the show, we have
something to warm
the cockles of your heart.

Yes, but now it's
time to put a star
in our reasonably priced car.

My guest tonight is
a broadcasting legend.

He also has an astonishing
collection of cars...

I have a list for you here -

a Ferrari 599, Ferrari F40,
Ferrari California,

Ferrari Enzo, Ferrari 288 GTO,

Ferrari 308 GTS,
Ferrari 246 Dino,
Ferrari 275 GTB quad-cam,

Ferrari 250 GT California
short wheelbase,

and Ferrari 250 GT California
long wheelbase.

So, let's find out if there's
any particular type
of car he likes.

- Ladies and gentlemen,
Chris Evans!
- (CHEERING AND APPLAUSE)

- How are you?
- Good, Jeremy. How are you?

Very well.
You've grown up, Chris Evans.

- Hi.
- Have a seat, mate.
Have a seat.

Presumably, you disagree with
our greatest
car verdict, then?

- Oh, quelle surprise!
- Lancia.

You don't believe that,
presumably,
judging by your collection

that they're
a particularly brilliant
maker of motor cars?

What, a car falling to bits,
the best marque in the world!

- Yes.
- Are you mad or
are you mental?

Lancias only came
in black and rust!

I still stand by...
There's more Lancias...

- Oh, come on!
- ...I'd like to own...

The number of Ferraris
I'd like to own now is one.

What about the 860 Monza?
What about the 750 Monza?
What about the 850 Monza?

What about the PF 250?
What about the four-cam?

What about the... What...

A lot of people
write and complain

that this isn't
a car show any more.
It is now!

I love this enthusiasm.
Why have you
painted all yours white?

Because I wanted them
to match. I wanted them to
be a work of art.

I've got a white
garage or "car house"
as they're sometimes known.

It's got a white
piano in it, right...

that plays itself, and there
are these eight
beautiful white Ferraris.

And I've got
matching number plates.
It's so anal, it's not true.

Which leads you
to that auction.

When you bid for
the Ferrari California,
the James Coburn car.

- Yes.
- This is terribly vulgar.

I wouldn't normally do it,
how much did you pay for that?

It was the most expensive car
sold at auction
in the world...

- when I bought it.
- Last year?

- A lot of millions?
- Yeah, it was $12 million.

How drunk were you?

I wasn't drunk at all.
The point is,
I didn't go to buy the car.

- I went to buy a poster.
- (LAUGHTER)

I'm not joking,
I'm not joking.
I went to buy a poster.

The 250 short
wheelbase California
Spider came up on the stand,

my second
favourite car in the world.

Why? Because it was in my Top
Trumps collection.
It's as simple as that.

That's how these things work
and that's how
life is sometimes.

I thought, I'll go for it,
because I've
always wanted one,

that was the best one in the
world, James Coburn
owned it for 28 years.

He bought it because he met
Steve McQueen on
the The Great Escape...

Just talking about this makes
the hairs on the back of
my neck stand up.

It's all documented, I've
got all the history and now
that little baby's

back in the garage at home.

- I show it to as
many people as I can.
- Unbelievable. Now...

I was listening to
you the other day...

I listen to you every day
whilst stuck in a traffic jam,

and you've auctioned
your entire
collection of Ferraris,

well, most of your collection
of Ferraris,
for Children In Need.

- Yes.
- So how does that work?

- People ring in
and they were bidding?
- Yes.

Then they can drive
whichever they want?

What happens is,
we take the seven
highest bids on the day

and they spend...
It's a four-day tour

and during the four days, each
person who's bid
the amount of money

gets to drive
every single car.

Isn't that terrifying
from your point of view?

It's only tin and rubber.

The great thing about these
cars, if anybody comes
round to my house,

whether they're
fitting a carpet,
doing the garden, burgling...

I say, "Just before you take
that, come and have
a look at the cars."

I think it's really important
to share these
cars with people.

But you don't know who's bid.

I mean, you know their names,
but you could have any sort
of ape turning up.

Well, no...
Well, if you bid, then...

(LAUGHTER)

Um...now,
you've got a book out.

It's Not What You Think...
Which is what it's called.

Yes.

And there's lists
of everything at the beginning
of every chapter.

- Top tens.
- The top tens,
which is great.

A man loves a top ten.
We like to
quantify everything.

But this car business,
it does seem to
me that cars...

You sometimes claim you're not
a car man,
but you bloody well are!

No, I'm definitely a car man.

Behind my family,
my job, maybe,
you're not going to like this,

maybe golf,
then I am a car man.

Sometimes,
if I'm away from home,
the first thing I do,

I get back home and I have
to go to the garage
just to have a smell.

- I love it.
- Well, you...

The smell of
petrol and leather,
I love it to death.

It's better than
stuff I've never tried.

(LAUGHTER)

OK.

Now, when I first met you,
about a million years ago,

you were
definitely a Porsche man.

You are having a laugh!

-You had a 96...
-You need to go to bed

instead of
working all the time.

Did you have a 968?

No!

You did, convertible.

- I did...I didn't have...
- Big Breakfast.

You've addled your mind.

It wasn't a 968 cos
a 968 was Tiptronic
and mine was manual.

- So it was a 944?
- What?

It was a 944 drop top.

It was 19 grand,
it was a great car,

but it was dull and boring
because it was a Porsche.

Now, obviously the big news is
that,
Chris Evans, enfant terrible

of the broadcasting airwaves
for many years, is about to

take over from
the Terry Master.

Has he given you any advice
about morning stuff?

Like, how to get up early?
That's the number one.

Terry doesn't get up early.
Terry starts at 7.30am,
that's not a breakfast show.

- What time are you starting?
- Seven.

It is funny because you'll
have to pretend to be
older than you are.

No, I'm not, because
if somebody is 60...

We had a request
for somebody's 60th birthday,
they wanted Van Halen,

because that's the music
that was around
when they were 60.

So, we're OK. I mean,

there's quality tunes about...
You had Brian
Johnson on the show,

lead singer of AC/DC,
62 years old.

-Nothing wrong with a 60...
- It's all fine.

We're all gonna be...

Well, my generation,
are going to be
in our old people's home

with Anarchy In The UK
in our wheelchairs.

How great's that?

We won't even have wheelchairs
and we'll still be doing that.

- I am the Antichrist.
- Give me a wheelchair.

I don't want any more,
Gracie Fields,
just this. Yeah, exactly.

So, how did it go for you,
out there today on our lap?

Well, I did my best.

Probably the worst weather
there's ever been out there.

Yeah, yeah.

The Stig, what a lovely man,
he could not have been nicer,

however,
what I decided to do...
I've had a great life.

I've had a great time,
thanks very much.

I thought,
if I'm going to die,
let's die today on this track.

He did actually say,

"As far as I could work out,
Chris, has no sense of
self-preservation."

Would anybody like to see
some of Chris's practices?

- AUDIENCE: Yeah.
- Let's have a look

at some of these
practice things here
cos it's a good giggle.

...At the 50 marker,
then turn in,
then off the brakes...

Brake hard now! Into second...

JEREMY:
This is the Hammerhead.

Feel like you're
going out of control...

- What's happened there?
- Going out of control.

- Nobody's ever
spun there before.
- See? That's good.

Wait a minute, what's this?
This is...the last corner.

- Sideways!
- Nobody's ever spun there.

Sideways at the crew.

Here's second-to-last corner,
everybody goes here.

Oh, yes, I'm impressed!

You never even made
it to the corner before
you were going backwards.

I thought I'd go straight
on here.

- Brilliant!
That is good bravery.
- (APPLAUSE)

Very good bravery.

But then...

- Yes.
- ...the lap
happened for real.

Who wants to see it?

- Yeah!
- Let's have a look.

(ENGINE ROARS)

So, you haven't
learned your lesson,
still going for brute force.

Come on! Hello, family.

Concentrate, man.
Concentrate on
the job in hand. That is wet.

Good.
Oh,
it's Joe 90 behind the wheel.

Cutting across
the red and whites,
that's slippery.

-You're looking
quite good, though.
- You've never been good

at anything like this in your
life, try and have a go
at this. Come on!

Have you really
never been good
at anything?

Not like this, no.

I'm with you,
all sports are impossible.

But that's not bad.

You've got to nail Hammerhead,
Chrissy.

You've got to do this,
even though your chin does
look like a bum!

Right, here we go, here's
Hammerhead. Will we get
round it this time?

Oh no, we put cones out now
when it's raining

so Jonathan Ross
doesn't get lost
if he ever comes back.

You're in the white lines.

That looks slow but
that's important
for a quick time.

Aim for the cameraman!
There's the cameraman!
Bad karma,

because I missed the gear,
aiming for the cameraman.

Very easy, he's gonna miss
a gear cos he's getting
a bit tired now.

That's looking good.

Oh, the smell of the clutch.
Mmm!

But does it smell of victory?

I'm being a bit chicken,
a bit of a wuss into the final
bend. Come on now!

Cut the corner, just a bit.

That's the trick.
No, that's good...

That's quite a lot!

And this one, cut it...
No, that's...

So an entirely new lap,
but across the line!

(APPLAUSE)

So, here we are.

There's the board.

There is the board.

Where do you think...
Obviously we will give you
a wet lap there.

We'll put Chris Evans "wet"
on it. Where do you
think you've come?

I don't think it's that
impressive, but I did...
I promise you I tried my best.

But I'm not going to lean
forward. I'm going to just
try and be cool.

We've never had a guest
who's managed to
stay just like that.

I tell you,
my heart is racing.

You did it in one minute...
So you're quicker
than Terry Wogan was.

(LAUGHTER)

You're already the new fastest
Radio 2 breakfast show host

we've ever had.

- In the last 40 years.
- In the last 40 years!

- You did it in one minute...
- Yes.

...40...

Oh, that's good.

...48.1. And for a wet lap,

that...that's
the third-fastest wet lap
we've ever had.

Oh, look. There's your ex.

- Yeah, I'm just above her.
- Yeah.

- 0.2 seconds faster...
- But not on top of her,
just above her.

Cos she's my ex.

Although we were accused
of favouritism with her by
David Tennant, who said

we only allowed her to do that
after she cut corners

because she was wearing
a see-through top.

And he was quite right,
of course!

Completely right.
But then you cut
corners as well.

Next time I'm going to wear
a see-through top.

Ladies and gentlemen,
Chris Evans.

- Best of luck.
- Thank you so much.

(APPLAUSE)

That is a good time.
You can be proud of that.

Now, earlier on in the show,

we explained that Lancia,
the greatest car
company in the world,

just because of a few problems
with rust 30 years ago,

they're not available
in the UK any more.

The thing is though,
as Jeremy's been finding out,

you can still
get one...sort of.

JEREMY:
This is a Lancia Stratos,
except for one small thing.

It isn't.

It wasn't made in
the '70s in Italy.

In fact, I don't know where
it was made. In a shed
in Nuneaton, probably.

This, you see, is a kit car.

Either you can pay someone
to build it for you,

or you can make
it at home yourself
with a hammer.

Apparently,
if you're fairly competent,

that would take
about 300 hours.

Obviously, it would take
me about 300 years,
which is a very long time.

But there is an upside.

An original
Stratos would cost...

£100,000, maybe more.

That is £13,000.

In theory,
that makes this, the Hawk HF,
the bargain of the century.

The body is
absolutely identical
to the original,

all the panels
are completely
interchangeable.

The interior,
too, would be familiar
to Lancia fans.

The pedals are nowhere near
where the bottom
of my legs are.

The steering wheel
is perilously close
to where my testes used to be,

before
the seatbelt jammed them
up into my lungs.

The gear lever, that's like
one of Bugs Bunny's ears,

and one of the switches
on the dashboard operates
the fire extinguisher,

but since I don't
know which one it is,
I daren't touch any of them.

The wiper has
gone upside down.

That wouldn't actually clear
the rain, I don't think,
from the window.

And then there
was a big noise.

(CRUNCHING)

Oh, wait a minute.
What the hell?

What was that?

The front left
brake had jammed on.

I've got to get
this into a workshop.
Come on, come on!

I took the car to Nigel,
the resident
mechanic at our track,

and greeted him in
the usual fashion.

Have you got a hammer?

That is scalding hot,
as we can see
on the thermal imaging camera.

(PHONE RINGS)

He's gone to
answer the phone now.

While we wait,
I suppose I should explain

the £13,000 doesn't include
the cost of an engine.

You have to get one yourself.

And you've a choice of two,
you can either
get Fiat's twin-cam,

which you can
buy used these days
for about 5p, or for 600 quid,

you can get
the engine I have in this.

You use this handle, which
is disguised as a spoiler,
to get the back up,

and there you are.
Alfa's brilliant
three-litre V6.

This actually produces more
power than the Ferrari
engine Lancia used,

and with it,
the Hawk is faster...

when it's working.
Which it will be...eventually.

It is mended.
And now I'm
going to get back in,

which is
a surprisingly elegant
process... if you're a mouse.

You simply get one...

Oh, that's not good.

You sort of get
over this roll bar...
like this.

Then you get your head in.

It's probably easier to detach
your head first and put it
back on in the car.

There we are.

Over there, and then...

you might want
to cut the camera
for this bit. This is a bit...

I had intended at this point
to check out the performance,

but after the brake problem,
I had rather lost my nerve.

0-60 takes less
than five seconds

and what I'm not going to do
now is see when that
acceleration stops.

I really don't want to travel
at 150 miles an hour

in a car built in a shed
by a man I've never met.

This is 90.
That's...the wiper's gone.

That is
an important consideration
you have to bear in mind

if you're thinking of buying
a used kit car.

You have to ask,
"Was it built fastidiously

"by James May over a period
of many hundreds of years?

"Or was it built by a spanner
with a hammer?"

I mean,
would you buy a kit car
that I'd built?

Ha-ha-ha!

Having chickened on
the max speed run,
I decided to not find out

what it's like flat-out
through the corners.

Here we go!

I'm going in.

And here I am, cornering,
not at all flat-out.

Er...60, that's fine.

Brakes,
all three-and-three-quarters
of them, are very squirrelly.

The steering's very heavy,
a lot of body roll.
There we are.

I think that's probably enough
cornering now,
we've done that, tick.

Certainly then, the Hawk
is only as good as the bloke
who put it together.

You'll spend
more time under it
than in it, for example.

I'm not going to
pretend it's as good
as an original Stratos either,

for the same reason
that a postcard
of the Mona Lisa

is not as good as Leonardo's.

But one day your
car will be working,
and you'll see

a reflection of yourself
in a shop window as you go by,

and trust me on this,
that's going to feel good.

Because, critically,
this looks like a Stratos.

And if we're honest,
that's all we really want.

(APPLAUSE)

(INAUDIBLE)

I would like to build
a kit car like that,

because I think it would be
very therapeutic.

No, but it would be. You know
what I mean,
it's more satisfying

to have something
you've made yourself.

I don't even like
to eat a sandwich
I've made myself,

because it's
always got blood in it
and bits of my fingers.

But anyway, we must now find
out how fast this car
goes round our track,

and of course, that means
handing it over to our
tame racing driver.

Some say that his new
Christmas range of fragrances

includes the great
smell of Wednesday...

...and that he was turned down
for the job of EU President

because his face is
just too recognisable.

All we know is
he's call The Stig.

He's off, there he goes.
I say, listen to that noise.

The Alfa V6 sounds,
if anything, even better than
the Ferrari V6.

- (THROATY ROAR)
- Oh,
that's a fantastic sound.

What's happening here?

Is he looking
for the stereo, no?
Stiggy, what's gone wrong?

He's broken down!

How authentic is that?

Yes, this is a scene
familiar to any Lancia owner.

Look at him walking off,
completing his journey
on foot. And there he is...

not across the line.

Now, there is no way
we were going to allow

our first-ever DNF - did not
finish - on the board,
to be a Lancia, no way.

So we mended
the car in a shed,

OK, brought it back, it
was here this morning for
The Stig to try again.

Unfortunately,
it was raining this time.

But the car has set off well,
still making a fabulous noise,

look at the rooster tails,

still dipping
badly under braking
as The Stig turns in.

Ooh, I say,
that's a bit wide, Stiggy!

Where are you going?

He's got it back. Now, that's
amazing driving
as he comes up now

to Chicago, locks up the
front, back stepped out,
this is wide.

He's gone! The Stig has spun!

But that's not
going to stop him,

he's still going on,
look at that
for determination.

Stig's obviously a Lancia fan
as well as he comes up
to the Hammerhead.

Yes, he's got it to turn
in nicely, done better than
Chris Evans there.

Oh, nice through
with a whole,
beautifully-held slide.

But it's gone wrong!
He's headed for
the camera crew.

I bet they were frightened!
Now, here we go.
Is he breaking down again?

No, he isn't.
That's not at all Lancia-ish

as he comes to
the follow-through.

Yes, he's
definitely backed off of that
and I can't say I blame him,

as he heads now
towards the tyres,
building up speed,

but not too much speed.
Now he's coming down.

Oh, crikey,
this is out of control now!

But he's done it, he's round
the second-to-last corner...

Oh, no, he's gone again!

Look at that!

Now that's what
I call driving,

as he comes round Gambon,
this time across the line.

(APPLAUSE)

That is the best-looking lap
we've ever seen.

And I have to say,
one of the most exciting.

- Spectacular.
- Car control is phenomenal.

But the time was...

1 minute 48.2, which means

it's also
the slowest lap we've ever had
round the Top Gear test track.

Mind you, can you imagine how
long it would have taken
if he'd built it?

He wouldn't have finished
the lap by now, would he?

- Yes, it would.
- Or now.

Thank you. Anyway, listen,

next week we're on for reasons
we don't understand at 8.30pm.

Or now.

- And on that bombshell...
- Or now.

...it's time to end.
Thank you so
much for watching.

- BOTH: Or now.
- Good night!

JAMES: Or now!

RICHARD: Or now.

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