Top Gear (2002–…): Season 13, Episode 4 - Episode #13.4 - full transcript

Jeremy and Richard road tests two new hot hatchbacks, the Ford Focus RS and the Renault Megane R26R. To find out whether which is faster, a car or a stamp, Richard and James races a stamp ...

CLARKSON. Tonight,
the fastest man
in the world on our track.

They don't call him Bolt
Of Lightning for nothing.

The slowest man in
the world falls asleep.

And we literally set fire
to Dorset with a machine gun.


Thank you everybody,
thank you.

Thanks very much. Hello.

Hello and welcome.

Now, fast Fords.

What they do is demonstrate
that you don't
need a plum in your mouth

and a double-barrelled surname
to get on in life.

The RS Capri is Harold Wilson.

The Sierra Cosworth
is Bruce Springsteen.

And then of course there is
the Escort Cosworth,

proof that
God wears a donkey jacket.


I love a fast Ford.
And now there's a new one.


It's called the Focus RS.

And let's cut
straight to the chase.

It costs £25,000,
which is family saloon money.

But its top speed

is 163 miles an hour.

There's a reason
for that insane speed.

A Volvo engine.

It's the same one they used
in the Focus ST
but now it has new pistons,

a new intercooler,
a new inlet manifold.

And a new type of turbo.

The result is a
front-wheel-drive car that
produces 300 horse powers,

which is impossible.


Asking the front wheels
of a car to do the
normal job of steering

while handling, let's say,
more than 170
brake horse power

is like asking a man to
wire a plug while juggling...


While making love
to a beautiful woman

while on fire, on stage,
in front of the Queen.

It's all going to go wrong.

To try and make
sure it doesn't,
the RS has a new type of

front differential,
featuring things that only
James May can understand.

But does it work?

So, watch the steering wheel,
okay? Hands off.


that's torque steer, look.

The power is actually turning
the wheel,
and violently turning it.

So the diff hasn't
fully cured that problem.

But what about cornering?


You can actually feel the
whole system working
through the wheel.

It's odd.


I've to say though,
the grip is
absolutely phenomenal.

Look at that!

Eventually, of course,
you will slide wide.

But only after your
face has come off.

This is an amazing car.

And let's not forget,
shall we,
that behind the noise...


And the power, and the
massively flared wheel arches,

this is still a Ford Focus.

It has a big boot,
a fold-down rear seat.

Sat nav and air conditioning.

You might think
this is a bit garish.

The sort of car that would
turn up to court
with its hat on back to front.

You might think
your BMW is better.

But when it comes to offering
the maximum amount of fun

with the most amount of
practicality for the least
amount of money,

I honestly can't think
of anything
which even gets close.

Oh, I can!

This is a Renault Megane R26R.

It weighs 19 stone less than
the standard hot Megane.

Because it has
no sound dampening.

No sat nav, no radio,

and even
a titanium exhaust system.

And the result of all of that,

this car has just been round
the Nurburgring
8 minutes 17 seconds.

No other front-wheel drive car
has ever been round faster.

So if it's fun you're after,
forget Jeremy's fat Ford,

this is what you want.


-Yes, what?

Let me ask you a question.

-Yes, go on.
-How many horse powers
do have in your Renault?

Uh, 227.

-227. So that's 73 less...
-Same as...

...than I have in the Ford.
Shall we count them?

-One, two, three...
-Yes, it's got
less horse power

because it needs less
because it's lighter.

-How much does
your Ford weigh?
-Um, 1.4 tons.

Yeah, about 200 kilos more
than this. It's a sports car!

-Power, Hammond,
is everything.
-No, it isn't, it's lightness.

-No, it's not.

-It is. It is.
-It isn't.

-It isn't.
-It is. Well, it is a bit.

-Do you know what?

-We should settle this
and there's only one way.

-A race. Yes.
-A drag race.

And I'm thinking not just a
conventional drag race,

let's make it a
Le Mans style drag race.
Come back here.

-What, where you run
to the car?
-Run to the car.

-That car's quite a long way.
-Run to the car.
Belt on, engine on, whoom!

-Okay? Ready?
-All right.



You see, I'm in all ready.

Yeah! Right, belt on.

I don't have a belt,
I have a harness
but that's okay.

No, that's...


God, I'm sitting on it.


That's not right.


Ah! What do think of that?

-Let's, let's do it one...
-I won the race,
came back to the start line,

you haven't even begun.
What's the matter?

Four-point harness.

Hammond suggested
we had a new race
where we started in the cars.


Whoa! Come on!

Oh, he's got a bit
of a quick start.

Lightness versus power.

Ha, ha, ha!

Not enough in line,
the light weight
helped there but

but now the power comes in.

-Oh, ho!
-Ha, ha, ha, ha!


-I had you up to 120.
-And then what happened?

How much does
that cost anyway?


There you go, that's
£2,000 more than the Renault.

-What's this?
-Ah, yes, that's to
save weight, it's thin.

That's not thin.

It's lightweight,
that's the point.

-Look at this.

It's to keep the weight down
low so that the bits
high up the car are light.

It's not a car.
It's a polythene bag.

-That's to make it...
-I'd love to know just how
much room there is in the back

for somebody of my height.

-Oh, no,
it's all full of scaffolding.

-And that makes it better
through the corners.
-Better than what?

Better than that thing
for a start.

Let's have a look in here,
shall we?

No radio.

No. You don't want a
radio in there,
it's about weight.

-You want to listen
to the engine.
-Passenger airbag?

-Who cares about them?
-You've got just one airbag?

-Yes. But...
-So there's nothing in...

Yes, because it's been,
what's the phrase?
Stripped out. Pared down.

Let's look at the opposite
end of the scale.

-The winning...
-Let's just have a look.

-Stereo, yeah, big unit.

-And what's
this big stick down there?
-Push, push...

-Just push, push that.

Voice, voice control?

Voice control.


-Uh! Put the radio on, please?
-No, don't be stupid.

Important speech commands
for radio are...

Oh, God!

How does that
help you go faster?

Let's just go to the graphic
equaliser, shall we?

I don't want any of
this on my sports car!

-The thing that gets you...
-None of this has anything to
do with a hot hatch.

-What do you mean?
-None of this has anything
to do up with a hot hatch.

No, the whole point of a
hot hatch is that it
should do everything.

Yours just does fast,
and not very well.

After another hour of
bickering, we swapped cars.

And both of us were
in for a big surprise.

That's a lot of power.

it's quick in the corners.

Then it all
turned into a big race.


It looks like I have myself
a big green Ford...

Bearing down!

Every time I catch
up on the straight...
There we go.

Yeah, this is better
on the braking.

And I can turn tighter.

Oh, I'm over steering! Oh, no!

HAMMOND: Power. Reeling in.

Hee-hee, ha-ha!

HAMMOND: Soon, the film crew
realised it would all end
in a big crash

and tried to stop us.


CREW: Please come back in.

-Having too much fun.

The crew's going mad
for some reason.


-CREW: Got a few
tracking shots.

Come on, stop playing around!

What were you thinking?
We've got other shots to do.

-It was him.
-The sun's going down.

-I... I wanted to come in.
I actually did say
we should go in.

CLARKSON: After a whole day's
testing we arrived
at three conclusions.

One, the Renault is the best
to drive on a short blast.

Two, the more powerful,
more comfortable Ford

is better to own
on a day-to-day basis.

And three,

if you had your heart set on
one of these

before the banking crisis
came along,

don't worry,

because you can now
have just as much fun

for a whole lot less.


-Fair point.
-Fair point. Exactly.


It's good, it's good.

-It's a good car.
-It is.

And that's a fair point.
But obviously as an overall

engineering package
there is only one choice.

Yes, there is. The Ford.

I completely agree...

-With absolutely
nothing you're saying.

Tell you what,
we will sort this out

by finding out which is the
fastest round on track.

That of course
means handing them over
to our tame racing driver.

Some say

that he is absolutely baffled
by urinals.


And that on reflection this
was a bad week

to launch his debut single.


It's a tribute...

-To Farrah Fawcett.

All we know is
he's called The Stig.

-There we go. Now, the Renault
is gonna be fast.

Yeah, but look,
it's straight into the lead
is what it is.

Yeah, but wait till
we get to the first corner.

Here we go.
I knew it. Look at that.
-It will still be ahead.

CLARKSON: Look at the Renault
clinging on like a kitten
to your curtains!

Aha! Aha! But now what's
gonna happen?

The Focus is still rolling.


-Is that music coming
from your Renault?

No, because it
hasn't got a stereo.

So, no bagpipe music,
how is that a bad thing?

-Ah, here we go now...
-Look at it roll. The Ford
can't stay on the track!

Watch the Ford!

-Scuffing its door mirrors as
it goes through.
-Just shut up.

-What a mess!
-CLARKSON: Shut up.

Cornering level
from the Renault.

CLARKSON: Now it's all
straight from here on in
at what, 300 horsepower.


There we go.

Yeah! The cheese-eating
surrender monkey
is now going to be in...

-200 horse power
hauling its massive bulk.
-Here we go.

CLARKSON: Coming up to
the second to last corner.
Second to last corner!

I admit, yes, the Renault will
be good through here,
but the Ford...

And flat.
And the Ford drives...

That is superb.

-Absolutely magnificent
last bit. Exciting!
-Here's Gambon.

CLARKSON: Across the line!

We'll let the board decide.

The Ford did it.

Ford first.

The Ford did it in 1 minute,

29.3 seconds. There it is.

It's a good time, okay, okay.

Well, well, okay.
But the Renault,
what did it do it in?

Oh, God, I've forgotten.

-No, come on, tell us.
-It was on the tip of
my tongue, I can't remember.

-Come on!

Can I just say if you're
watching this on the Sky Plus,

-You haven't missed much.

Ah! Just a crummy Renault
driving around quite slowly.

Just tell us what
the Renault did it in?


-Ha, ha!

That's brilliant.

A victory for the Renault.

-Doesn't matter.

-It doesn't matter. It can't
go on the board.
-What? Why?

-It's on slicks.
These are slick tyres.
-They're road legal.

-There's no tread
on them at all!
-They're road legal!

-They're morally wrong.

-Morally wrong?

So, what, you're gonna report
me to the Church in England
every day now?

Yes, and then you'd be in
trouble with the baby Jesus.

-For my tyre treads?

And now the news.
And we begin the news
with a new Lamborghini.

Here it is.

And that has been named after
the recently retired

chief test driver,
Valentino Balboni.

I bet they wouldn't have
called it after him if he'd
been named Ken Shufflebottom.

Actually, their new chief
test driver is called
Max Venturi.

No, he's not.

-No! He is.
-He is, honestly.
That's his real name.

-No, he's not really called
Max Venturi.
-He is.

Nobody outside of a comic
strip is called Max Venturi.

He is a Lamborghini tester.

You don't need a
driving licence to be a
Lamborghini test driver.

You just turn up
for the interview, go,
"Look, I'm awfully sorry,

"I'm drunk and I'm mad
but I'm called
Velociraptor Clint-Thrust."

"Right, you start on Monday."

Anyway, a bit about the car.
It's a limited edition.
They're only gonna make 250.

It's £138,000 which is 10,000
less than the regular car.

But that's because this is
rear-wheel drive.

The others are of course
all four-wheel drives.

But what I really
like about it is that stripe.

-This one?

You know it goes over
the seats as well?

-Does it?
-Yes, it carries over
the roof and over the seats.

I like that stripe so much
I'd be prepared

to buy the whole car
just to get it.

-Just for the stripe.

Hey, now listen,
Goodwood Festival of Speed
last weekend,

as I am sure you know.
This is a celebration of all
the great cars,

all the brilliant cars
we've seen over the years.

Renault turned up with this.

-Well, yeah!

I kid you not, okay?
Look what it says here
on the picture they sent us.

"The Renault Z.E",
that stands
for zero emissions.

"Renault Z.E. Concept wows
Goodwood Festival of Speed."

-Wrong word,
should be "ruins".

What are they talking about?

How many children said,
"Dad, can we please go to
Goodwood Festival of Speed

"'cause I really want to see
a zero emission Renault van?"

Yes, how many of those
kids went back to school
the next day, "

"Did you see
the chrome-plated Bugatti?

-"No, but I saw a Renault van
with green windows, yeah."

Right, what else have we got?

With that, right, now Hammond,
I've got something for you.
Have you seen this?

-It's for you.

Oh, it's a Zonda.

Now this is, this thing is,
this is Zonda Cinque.

And it's got a new
front splitter,
a new diffuser.

But what they've done is
invent a new composite fibre.

-(GULPS) To make this thing.

The body of it is made...
It combines carbon
and titanium

to make carbotanium.

-So what it...
They didn't call it that.
-Oh, look.

It's straight out of a comic.
Look at it!

And it's made of carbotanium.

Carbotanium. It's a good job
they didn't call it titbon!


Anyway, that's got
quite a lot of power.

-678, 217 miles an hour,
naught to 60 in 3.4 seconds.

It's right up
your street, Hammond.

-It's just...
-Do you know
the most impressive

statistic about this car?

It does 124 miles an hour

-to zero in 4.3 seconds.

Now, just in case you
didn't think of that, let me
just time that for you, okay?

So you're doing 124 now.

Brake, 100, 50 and he's
stopped now.

-God, that's immense!
-124 to...

-It's just unbelievable.
-I can feel that.

-You would feel that.
-That could actually quite
literally make you sick,

decelerating at that rate.
In fact, I did a calculation.

That is the equivalent
of minus 1.3G.

Your sick would come
out really quickly,
wouldn't it?


All over the dash of your
Zonda. Little bits of carrot.

-Through my roof cam.
-Oh, James, come on.

And you did a calculation on
how quick the sick would
come out?

-Well, you know.
Oddly enough, I have.

Your sick, Richard Hammond,

if you braked from 125 miles
an hour to naught
in that Zonda,

would accelerate
out of your mouth

-at 12.9 metres per second
-Is that, is that...

-James! Nobody's bothered.
-Okay, now...

Anyone here been to China?

Okay, well the thing is,
when you're there
you are often tempted

to buy one of those
fake watches.

Yes, that you see
on the street, every time.

Because you just think, "Oh,
yeah, that'll get everybody
fooled. Oh, it's stopped."


The thing is, right,
there's a Chinese company
now called Geely.

And they have launched a fake

-Oh, give over.

Got a picture of it here.

If there is ever any
budget cut
on The Apprentice,

Alan Sugar
could turn up in that,

nobody would be any the wiser.

-Nobody would know.
-Look at it. It's identical...

(LAUGHING) Please,
will you look at that...

It's almost like they said,
what's a Rolls-Royce
look like, down the phone.


Mind you, you think the
overall shape is bad.

-You know the Flying Lady
on the front, okay?

We've got the picture here
of the one that's actually on
Alan Sugar's car. There it is.

-Would you like to see
the one on the Geely fake?

-Here it is.

-Oh God!

They just made that out
of a bit of foil

and the top of a
cigarette packet and
twisted it into shape.

-She's got no head.
-It's terrible.

Anyway, listen,
that is the news.
And now we must move on.

Yes, because one of the
questions we are
forever being asked,

is which is fastest,
a car or a letter?

Yeah, it's a very interesting

so Hammond and I decided
that we would race

against Her Majesty's
postal service.

Job number one, find ourselves
a first class set of wheels.

MAY: And this could
very well do the job.

Porsche's first
ever four-door saloon.

It's called the Panamera.

And it ought to be good

since it's taken them 61 years
to get around to making it.

You said in our last series
that this looks a bit like
an Austin Maxi.

-Yes, I did.
I'm not so sure now.

Anyway, more of the car
in a minute.
First though, our race.

We are currently down
here in the Scilly Isles.

Which is the most
part of Britain.

And the finishing point

is all the way up here

in the middle
of the very remote Orkneys.

Yes, and in a moment that man
is going to pop
that letter in the letter box.

Shortly after that,
Postman Pat will pick it up.

And then it will be on its way
to Zanzibar Bungalow,
Birsay, Orkney.

Right, so basically,
it is our job to defend
the honour of the car

against the might of the
Royal Mail and
everything at its disposal.

So we must get there
first because if we don't,

what we're effectively
saying is,

don't buy this Porsche,
buy a stamp.

Yeah, I'm inclined
get a wriggle on.

Let's go.

I took the wheel
for the first leg.

-Load it up. Thank you.
-Excuse me.

You're driving the next leg.

But you've only
driven it 200 yards.

MAY: As we hit the open sea,

our rival swung into action.

The letter would travel by
helicopter to the mainland.

And then onwards via four
plane journeys to the Orkneys,

passing through several
sorting offices along the way.

Delivery time was
before noon the next day.


That must be the helicopter
with the letter on it.

-Well, that's it, we've lost!
-But I haven't
driven the car yet.

MAY: In fact, by the time
we landed in Penzance,

the letter had all ready been
on the mainland
for an hour and a half,

and was now at
the sorting office in Truro.

Next stop for us, the ferry
at John O'Groats in Scotland.

-830 miles.
-Go, go, go.

Let's see what its
overtaking ability is like.

-It goes like a stabbed rat.

This particular stabbed rat
is the cheapest version

with a 4.4 litre
394 horse power V8.

Top speed, 176 miles per hour.

Price, just over £72,000.

And I know it's
got some extras.

Yeah, this one has everything.

It's got leather interior,

The wheels, 930 quid.

What, you don't
get wheels normally?

Doppelkupplungsgetriebe DPG.

-That's insane. Yeah!
-Since they gave,
that's the gearbox, yeah.

2,289 quid to you.

Sun roof, 946 quid.

Heated multi-function
steering wheel, 700 quid.

And to finish off,
ceramic brakes,

5,235 quid.


I've just discovered something
so brilliant that
you're gonna get excited.

-Now, there's five
dials on the dash.

-Look at that.
-Sat nav!

You get the moving
map in the dial. Oh, oh!

-You're not gonna
crash the car doing this?
-Yes, I am.

It does naught to 60
in 5.4 seconds.

Slower than an M5 but that is
quicker than a Quattroporte.

The Quattroporte is the car
it has to beat in my book,

because I know it's flawed,
but it is
fantastically charming.

-I like that car.
The ridiculousness of it.

-It's wonderful.
-This is a Porsche, it won't
have any ridiculousness.

-No, this is German.

MAY: Now, as road testers,
we're supposed to approach

every new car with
an open mind.

Hammond, however,
was struggling.

HAMMOND: I'm not sure I want
it to be any good.

Are you still one of these
people who wants

-Porsche to
only ever make the 911?

So in Hammond's Britain would
everybody who wants
to buy a Porsche

-would be forced to buy a 911?

You'd walk into the shop
and I'd say,
"I'd like a Porsche please."

And they'd say,
"Certainly sir,
what colour would you like?"

-Oh, you'd allow them to
choose the colour?

HAMMOND: We overtook
the letter whilst it was still

bumbling around the
sorting office and pressed
home our advantage.

But as darkness fell,
it was on the move again,

now heading to Exeter airport.

We knew this because
we'd fitted it with
a tracking device.

This is like
being in a Bond movie.

Location, on the A30,

1.27 miles north-west
of Longdown.

Oh, ho, ho.
We are miles ahead.

HAMMOND: We are miles ahead.

Yeah, we're abeam,
almost abeam in Cardiff.

What does "abeam" mean?

-Alongside, but again...
-Why don't you
say close to Cardiff then?

HAMMOND: The other good news
was that because

we weren't in Vietnam
or anywhere foreign,

I had control of the catering.

What I'm proposing is this.

A bag of crisps each.

A sickly sugar-riddled drink.

And then a Jaffa Cake.


Dinner gave me indigestion
as did the news
from the computer.

The letter is now
at Exeter airport.

after a bit more sorting,

it would be shooting
on to a plane towards
East Midlands airport.

How long do you reckon it
would take to fly there,

from Exeter to
East Midlands airport?

That's gonna be, what,
an hour?

It can't be more than an hour
and a half I wouldn't
have thought. No.

Wouldn't it be great if we
passed East Midlands
airport before it got there?

In fact we've got to.
If we don't do that, we're
stuffed. Get your toe down.

HAMMOND: Progress was good.
That is until we
hit Birmingham.

MAY: Miles and miles
and miles and miles.

Meanwhile, the
Royal Mail army,
160,000 strong

with 30,000 vehicles

and planes at its disposal,
was now really
flexing its muscles.

HAMMOND: Nobody at all doing
anything whatsoever.

What have you got working
on the road?
Tiny mice that I can't see?

That's it. It's taken off.

We are doing
16 miles an hour.

-It's probably going 300.

This could cost us the race.

HAMMOND: Since we were
crawling, we pitted for fuel
and a driver change.

And then mercifully
the roadworks ended.

HAMMOND: This thing
covers miles like nothing I've
ever been in.

I know.

The seats are excellent,
I have to say.

No complaints
whatsoever about the seats.

Okay, simplest question.

-Does it feel like a Porsche?

Thus far I'd agree,
no, I don't think it does.

But we have as yet only driven
it on motorways and A roads.

Very true.

So we can't arrive at a
verdict on this car, really,

until we've done the windy
bits through the
top of Scotland.

MAY: Just after midnight,
the laptop spewed out a
mail update.

The letter is at
East Midlands airport.

So at the moment we still have
the lead because
we were further north,

just passing Warrington.

-We are ahead. Well ahead.
-We are,

but it's gonna get on
another aeroplane and then

it goes cracking all the way
to Scotland.

It's an immense operation.
This is a big car.

But it's nothing compared to
the scale of the operation

against which
we have pitched it.

Right now, though, I had
a more immediate problem.

And it was sitting
in the passenger seat.

-I am going to take your
mind off the journey with...

Some Royal Mail trivia.

Do you absolutely have to?

How many addresses do you
think there are in the UK?

-I've no idea.
-That's a fairly easy one,

-Twelve addresses?

I don't know, do I?

-28 million.
-Why is that an easy one?

Well, because you know there
are roughly
28 million households.

-Why would I know that?
-Because everybody
knows that.

No, they don't. I don't.

How many incidents a year
are there of postmen

being bitten by dogs?


No. 5,000. Which monarch...

How many of these do you have?

James managed to bore me
all the way up to the
Lake District.

But then he was distracted
by news from the laptop.

It is effectively overhead.

The letter is
now belting ahead.

Well, it's gonna be in
Edinburgh in no time then.

Yes, I would guess
within 25 minutes.

How can we possibly win this?

At 1.30 in the morning,
the roads were clear.

But when the plane touched
down in Edinburgh

we were
still a good 80 miles behind.

It's a big centre. There's
a lot of postcodes in there,
I guess.

A lot of postcodes in there.
But they have got

a lot of people
working there, I suspect.

MAY: They obviously did,
because just over
half an hour later,

while we were still
south of Edinburgh,

the letter was
in the air again.

-It's tracking up to the north
of Scotland at a helluva lick.
-We're in lot of trouble.

I'm gonna do some more time
and distance calculations.

-Hold on.
-Oh, good!


Bless you. Bless you.

Bless you. Bless you.
Bless you.

-Bless you.

HAMMOND: In the end,
the calculation
was quite simple.

By the time our letter
arrived at RAF Kinloss,

it had opened up
a crushing lead of 115 miles.

The only good news was that
my co-driver had become
mercifully quiet.


-Okay, we've lost.
-Don't be defeatist.

HAMMOND: No. It was not
the time to
throw in the towel just yet.

Because the letter had now
slowed down as it trundled

on the lorry towards
Inverness sorting office.

By contrast, we had miles
of stunning roads ahead.

Time to see if this
thing drove like a Porsche.

We're going for full sport.

MAY: Now, feel that!

It's pelvis-shatteringly
quick, this car.

HAMMOND: And that's not all.
The Panamera
has almost perfect

weight distribution,

the lowest centre
of gravity
of any big saloon.

And it's lighter than
any rival except the
featherweight Jag XJR.

It even has magnesium
window frames
to keep the lard at bay.

Put all this together and,
in the corners,

it was a class act.

The one thing
I criticise this thing for,

having no sense of drama
and theatre about it, it has.

It's bonkers. It's massive.

It does things
a super car does,

only it's got four doors.

Are you saying
you like it, then?

I'm saying I think
I prefer it to an M5. Yes.


MAY: Now, you see,
I'd go for the Mazda.

This is very good
but it doesn't really move me.

MAY: However,
because it's so fast,

it did put us back
in the game.

We've just passed the letter

because we've just
gone past Inverness.

-Tell me I'm right. Yes.
-Yes, we have, yeah.

And the letter is still
in the Inverness
sorting office.

So we've taken
the lead again?

HAMMOND: But this was the
world's biggest
game of leapfrog.

And, as we got closer
to John O'Groats,

the letter zoomed overhead,
bound for the Orkneys.

-This is ridiculous,
even trying to catch it.
-Let's try anyway, though, eh?

HAMMOND: Good news is
it's not going
like the clappers any more.

The bad news, that means
it's landed in Kirkwall.

It's on Orkney.

HAMMOND: We now had less
than two hours before
the letter got sorted,

and postie would
be on his rounds,

heading for Zanzibar Bungalow.

MAY: I'm sorry about it
but I think we have blown it.

HAMMOND: He could
fall off his bike!

-It's arithmetic.
-I don't want him
to fall off his bike.

Obviously that's
a terrible thing to happen

but if he did, we could win.

If by some fluke, we beat
the letter to Zanzibar cottage

our conclusion would
have to be
the postal system in Britain

is absolutely brilliant
everywhere except
on the Orkneys.

Or, if you need
to post a letter,

you could do it the
old-fashioned way
and by a 39p stamp

and let somebody
else do it, or

spend £90,000 on a Porsche,

drive yourself overnight,
870 miles,

and deliver it by hand.

Yeah, so it's not cheap.

-No, it isn't.
-But it's making sure.

HAMMOND: There's the ferry!

MAY: The boat journey
would take an agonizing
45 minutes.

And that wasn't
the only bad news.

It says here the signal's
been lost. Is that because
we're at sea?

It might be.
But more importantly
I've got a text here

saying the tracker
has been switched off

by the office so we don't
know where the letter is.

It keeps the tension up.
Keeps us going.

That means we've lost,
doesn't it?

No, we don't know that.

HAMMOND: By the time we landed
it was almost 11:00,

so we knew that postie
they would be on his rounds.

MAY: Go, go, go, go!

HAMMOND: It was us in a
V8 Porsche

against a man
in a Vauxhall Combo van.


This is an annoying time
to be stuck behind a lorry.


-Do you see any red vans?


Can you stop driving
like such an arse?

It's not gonna
make any difference.

I'm driving quickly,
that will make
a difference in a race.

Birsay. That was it.
It's right up here.

It's 11:30.

This stress is
killing me, man.


Right, that's it there.

This is it.

If it's there,
it'll be on the mat.


Let's just check inside.

That means we just
have to sit here and wait.

There's an envelope.

MAY: That's Truro.

-2105, that's...
-Well, that's it, we've lost.

Well done.


Hang on!

What you're saying is,
if you want to get something
to the top of Scotland,

buy a stamp.


I have to say, though,
the Queen's head

is better looking than this.

I don't think it's that bad.

All Porsches are ugly.

This looks like a mangled ape.

-Look at it.
-It'll grow on you.

When will it grow on me?

No, it hasn't grown on me.

And it never will, James,
it never will.

So I tell you what
we're gonna do now.

We're gonna put a star
in our reasonably priced car.

Now, my guest tonight has got
three Olympic gold medals.

Three. And unlike the Stig,

he didn't steal them
after a full-on fist fight
with Sebastian Coe.

Ladies and gentlemen,
Usain Bolt!


He's here!

-How are you?
-I'm okay.

Usain Bolt. Have a seat.

That is an honour.
Thank you so much for coming.

Thank you so much.

Now, how many times

have you watched
your 100-metre gold medal run
in China?

-Ah, a lot. Yeah, a lot.
-A lot?

-That was 9.69 seconds.

Now, what's interesting
about that,

there is a still photograph

that I found of you
crossing the line. Okay?

We'll just have a look at it.
Just pull this up. Watch this.


You set a world record

with your shoelace undone.

I don't know
what happened there.

-Well, I do,
it just came undone.

It's the speed,
it's the speed.

Am I right to say
the 100 metres,
from an early age,

wasn't even your specialty?

No, it wasn't, actually.

Mainly the 200 metres
was my speciality,

and I do the 400 metres,
but I hate the 400 metres.

-I hate running 400 metres.

I'd hate running to there.

-What's the matter
with the 400 metres?
-The training is so hard.

-Yeah, it's really intense.

Because it's a long distance,
and you get

something called lactic acid,
you probably wouldn't know.

He's right. He's right.

Let me tell you
something, Bolt.

Fat men are harder to kidnap.

Actually, what was
the last 100 metres you ran?


'Cause I used to do
when I was about 17,

12 seconds.

I'm only, really, 2.3 seconds

slower than the
fastest man in the world.

That's nothing!

I must be, what,
the fifth fastest
guy in the world!


I was coming here today
and I was looking
through a magazine,

and I came across
something interesting.

The sexiest men.

-100 sexiest men.

And you're, like, what, 87?

-And you're not
looking so sexy! 87?



And, in 97th place...


Richard Hammond's not in it!

But nor are you!

No, I'm just...
I can't do this.

If I come in there,
then there's
gonna be nobody else

on that page!

Now, can you
just give me an idea

in your training regime

in order to be able to
just break world records
like that?

For me, I train,
like, six times
a week,

three hours a day.

-Only three?

Don't let the
three hours fool you.

It's very intense work!

Forgive me for saying this,

but there's a quote,

this is a direct quote
from you.

This was, I think, the day
of your 100-metre gold medal.

You know what
I'm going to say,
don't you?

It said, "I didn't have
breakfast, woke up at 11:00,

"sat around watching TV,

"then had some
chicken nuggets."


Oh, no, it gets better!

"Slept for two hours,
then went back
and got some more nuggets."

Is that for real? Was that...

Yeah. The reason
why I did that, actually,

was because
I didn't trust
the food, really.

In China.

I was saying, "I'm gonna make
sure I eat something I know."

So I got nuggets.

I'm sure about nuggets.

Okay, now look, your cars.

-I've really got to
go on to your cars.

First of all I guess, do your
management people

and I guess you must
have management,

do they try
to keep you
out of fast cars?

-Yes, they do, actually.
-They do?

-Because you might...
-Crash them or something.

So how come you had an M3?

Uh. My sponsors, actually,

when I won at the Olympics,

my sponsors, Puma, they said,
"What do you want?"

And I said an M3,
because I really wanted one.

And they bought it for me.

They bought you an M3?
Are they mad?

-And what happened to it?
-Uh, I write it off.


-It's tough, eh?
-It was not a pretty sight.

I'm really embarrassed
to tell you this.

-We've got a photograph.

Who'd like to see
the photograph?

-ALL: Yes!
-Let's have a look.


Has this been rolled?

Yeah. Three times, actually.

-Were you okay?

I was good.
The only problem I had,

when I came out,
I was barefoot, and I got
sticked by prickles, actually.


-Prickles? What, thorns?
-Yeah. Yeah.

That was the only
problem I had, actually.

Now, when we discovered

that you were gonna be able
to come on Top Gear
and do this,

you said that you were
gonna be fast.

-On our track.

Is this just
a competitive thing,

or do you really
think that you're a quick man?

I think?

I proved that
I am a quick man,

but if I'm the fastest man
in the world,

come on,

I need to show the people
that I am a fast driver also.

Who would like to
see Usain's lap?

ALL: Yeah!

Let's have a look!

Run the tape.


CLARKSON: It's a nice start.

Eyes on the prize, let's go!

That's nice and aggressive.

I am liking the first corner.

Yes, tidy!


Think Michael Schumacher!
Think Michael Schumacher!


CLARKSON: Michael Schumacher
wouldn't do this!

Well, he didn't do this.
He got lost.

They don't call me
Bolt of Lightning
for nothing!

Hammerhead, this is...

Obviously, you've got
to concentrate here.

-Did you do much
training for this?
-No. Nah.

This car sucks!

Here we go.

I presume you were
flat through there.

I love you, come on.
I love you!


Just keeping doing it
that way, keep doing
that for me.

Keep doing it that way.

Oh, I'm loving that,
that's fantastic!

And this one...

Nearly got the back wheel
off the ground!

That's impressive!
And there we are!

-Ha ha!

I'm wondering...

Will you be the fastest
Jamaican we've ever had?

-I'm guessing you will be!

Yeah? I got confidence.

Well, I've got the time here.

He's leaning forwards, look!

What you're supposed
to do now is this.

-Hell, I'm not bothered.

-But you are!

Usain Bolt,

you did it...

What are we looking at
up at the top there?

Anything faster than
1:48 is obviously
quite good.

You did it,

1 minute,


You are very near the top!


Well done, mate.
Now, aha!

The thing is...

How much do you weigh?

In pounds I weigh 210.

210 pounds.

Now, the power,
the weight, rather

makes a huge difference
in that car.

It's why Lawrence Dallaglio,

a rugby player,
he was hugely quick,

but he did a 1.47.4

'cause he weighs
about 17 stone.

The Stig tells me,

if you'd have
been a little man,

Jay Kay-sized,

Simon Cowell, you would
have been right at the top.

It's only the weight
that's getting you down.

Get yourself on a diet!

We'd love to have you back.
Ladies and gentlemen,
Usain Bolt!


Thank you so much.

What a man!



as I'm sure you all know,
the popular playground
game British Bulldogs

has been banned
in most schools

because people
in safety glasses
say it's too dangerous.

But, children,

what if you
were to play it with cars?

Yep. Specifically,

could you get five miles

from one side
of a tank-proving ground
in Dorset

to the other, while a team
from the British Army

tries to stop you?

This is the playing field
we'd selected.

And this is
the car I'd be using.

An eight-year-old
8,000 Mitsubishi Evo VII

which had been
modified by a previous owner.

On the downside,
he'd removed the airbag.

But on the upside,
he'd uprated the suspension,

toughened the brakes

and fitted variable
boost control to the engine.

I've got the boost
turned all the way up,

so it's producing
500 brake horsepower.


Top speed
is the same as before,

it's limited to 155.

But it now does nought to 60

in 3.2 seconds.


But of course, because it
was born in the world
of rallying

and has four-wheel drive,

it can do this kind of speed

whether it's on tarmac,
ice, snow, gravel...

Or indeed,
the scrubland of Dorset.

Here, it just comes alive!

Turn it,
feel the back end step out!

Plant the power!

It's telepathically brilliant.

But then it would need to be,

because I was
going up against this lot.


I thought they'd just
have a load of
crummy Land Rovers

that would fall over
every time they
went round a corner.

I was still feeling confident.

Do you know what an Evo is?
Are you are familiar with it?

-Car, white.

-Yes. Good on the roads.
-Good on the roads.

-But you're gonna
struggle round here!
-Mmm, mmm, mmm, mmm.

-Rally tyres.
-Have you seen ours?

It's 500 horsepower,
this thing.

-Have you got 500 horsepower?


I have pencil sharpeners
with more than that.

When you've bottomed out in
the bottom of that big hole
over there...


-And your car's in bits,
with 50 cal.

Then we'll see who's laughing.

I mean,
I love your enthusiasm.

I like hope.
Hope propels a man.

And keep that hope
until you find me
at the finish line,

-the other side,
having made it.
-We'll see.

CLARKSON: The spearhead
of their miserable

and pointless attack
would be the Jackal.

Designed in a shed in Devon,

and now used by even
the American special forces,

it has a 5.9 litre
diesel engine.

So it will do 90
miles an hour...


It's clever, too.

The petrol tank
is covered in a skin

that forms a new layer
over bullet holes.

And the undersides
are designed
to deflect explosions

away from the people on top.

The idea is that
this fast, nimble,

go-up-anything vehicle
will herd me

towards this, the Mastiff,

which apparently is designed
not to look frightening

in a war designed
to win hearts and minds.

And then,
waiting to pounce

will be this,
which is a Fiat van.

It's called the Panther.

And even though it's built
by the same company
that makes the Panda,

it costs just shy of £500,000.

Now, the reason why

it's so expensive
is that it does come

with an awful lot
of warning stickers.

And a television.

Oh, look at this!

Full 360-degree traverse.

to at least 1,000 metres.

CLARKSON: I've got to get one
of these for my car!

Look at that!

That's something
you won't be seeing,

it would just be
(VOCALISING) a blur.

-Anyway, thanks, chaps.
-No problem.

Best of luck with
your ice-cream van
with a gun on it.

This is what
scares me the most.

It's called the Trojan,
and because it's
part tank, part bulldozer,

it's the king of wherever
it damn well wants to go.

Now, you're probably thinking
this is all very jolly,

but how are they actually
going to bring me down?

Strong words? Rude gestures?

This is Top Gear.
We don't mess about.

They're going
to be using their guns.

And they won't
be firing blanks either.

As a measure of my confidence,

the ammunition
they're loading is live.

Right, active send to diff
on gravel.

I've just found a packet
of these in the
centre console!

So the previous owner, then,
he liked to be safe in bed,

but he disconnected
his airbag.

I hope I haven't
been ambitious
with this live-fire thing.

It's just I promised my wife
we'd go out for dinner tonight

and that'll be difficult
if I'm all full of holes.

Here we go!

Right. Five miles
to the finish,

and I needed
to build up an early lead.


That was close.

That, right, right, right.


There's the reminder
I'm not going fast enough!

Doing 70 miles an hour,

and that damn thing is
right up my trumpet!

But then the Evo
girded its loins.

Oh, there's the turbo boost!

Live with this!

The good thing is, at this
speed, he can't fire his gun.

Not without shooting
every rambler in Dorset.

This is just fantastic.

Condom man may
be a bit peculiar,

but God,
he knew how
to set up a car!

That is a big lead now.

(GRUNTS) Come on, come on,
come on!

Oh, my God.

How am I gonna get over that?

Hide, hide.
When in doubt,
go into sneak mode.

There's one there.

They can't see me.

It looks like they've
got themselves a Titan.

Basically, a Challenger tank
with the turret removed
and the machine on top.

It can span a 24-metre gorge
in 90 seconds.

So he's building that
so they can get from one side

of the playing field
to the other.

So he wouldn't
be expecting this.

Here we go!
It's a beautiful bridge!

Go, go, go!

I was now
halfway to the finish.

But they were back on my tail.

This is a much more
exciting way of playing
British Bulldogs.

Oh, my God!


And on this rough part
of the playing field,

I couldn't use the boost
to pull away.

I'm being herded!
I'm being herded by a Jackal!

That's a bad noise!

Through the trees, hide.

The trees are bullet-proof,
in my mind.

He's up there!
He's got the high ground!

-Oh, God, help!

Right, time to go.

Lady Luck then
put a minefield
between me and them.

One-zero now in position, out.

What are they doing?

They were sending
in the Trojan
to clear the mines.

It just goes straight through!

You see that Jag there?

It's the last person
to play British Bulldogs
with the Army. Poor car.

Run away! Run away!

I'm starting to think
I might not win this.

Now, wait, wait.

Oh, this is perfect.
I'm coming up
behind the Trojan.


What I'm doing now is genius.

I'm using the Trojan
as a shield.

And even if they do see me,

there's nothing they can
do about it because
the gun is on the other side.

What's that noise?
What are you doing?

What are you doing?

Stop it! You're spoiling it!

Eventually, he did put me
down, but the car was a wreck.

And that, it seemed, was that.



Whoa, whoa, whoa. Hold on.

You lost.

Well, that's because
I was up against this lot

and 60 ton tank.
You were up against a letter.


-Can I just ask about the car?

-Well, it was ruined.
-Yes, it was.

But there's a very
good reason for that.
You see, the thing is,

that car used to belong
to a drug dealer.

And the judge who banged
him up said his car had
to be destroyed, okay?

And I thought,
rather than let the police
put it in a crusher,

why don't I give it
a heroic fighting chance?

So the bloke
who used to own that car...

-Yeah, condom man.
-Yeah, him.

He was watching that,
probably in his prison cell,

on the telly, thinking,
"That's my car!"

-Yep. And it gets worse.
-How can it get worse?

Because it was only damaged.

There's one
and a half miles still to go.

The game's still on!

Sit rep.

Not brilliant, if I'm honest.
Quite dusty, a lot of pollen.

A lot of pollen.

Come on! Now I'm no
longer bulletproof!


Oh! Come on, come on!

Charlie, Charlie, one plus,
to your front, white Evo,

600 metres, rapid fire.

They're shooting again!
They're shooting hard now!

I'm taking hits!
I'm taking a lot of hits!

Oh, my God.

Stop shooting! Stop it!

But they didn't.

And soon,
they'd taken out the engine
and the on-board camera.

You've set fire to Dorset
with your tracers!
Stop it!

Then their tracer round
set fire to the car as well.

We'll call it a draw!

They seemed happy with that.

Unlike, I suspect, the man
whose car it... Er, was.



You really weren't joking,
were ya? I mean,
these are real bullets.

-Oh, yeah.
-Hundreds of them.

-I said it was live fire.

-And they all missed you.

MAY: Is this 50 cal exit
wound here?


Oh, yes. That one,
we've worked it out...
It went in here, okay?

It went through the chassis,
through the petrol tank...

I'm not joking,
it went out there.

Then it went all the way
across Dorset,
Devon, Cornwall.

-And do you remember that
postbox in the Scilly Isles?

It actually hit that.
You know the 50 cal, right?

This is the air-conditioning
matrix we rescued
from the burning wreck.

This is a normal bullet hole.

-That is a 50 cal bullet hole.
-MAY: Whoo-hoo.

-Do you know what?

I find this
a little bit depressing.

Because it was the bloke
who dealt drugs,
it wasn't his car, was it?

I know what you mean.
But it is going to catch on.

I'm afraid next week
we are gonna find
a benefit cheat

and fling his microwave off
Beachy Head.

Yeah. We are the enforcers!

We are! And on that bombshell,

it's time to end.
Goodnight, see you then!