Top Gear (2002–…): Season 12, Episode 5 - Episode #12.5 - full transcript

To celebrate the 40th anniversary of the iconic car for jet-setters on the Riviera, the Ferrari Daytona, Richard drives one in a race against James in a multi-million pound powerboat from Portofino, Italy to St. Tropez, France. Jeremy compares the new BMW M3 saloon to the Lexus IS-F. Richard and some British Touring Car Championship drivers race different types of buses in a showdown around a rally-cross circuit. Grand Designs host Kevin McCloud is the Star In A Reasonably Priced Car.


(Jeremy) Tonight, the Stig climbs
into a bucket of hot wallpaper paste.

Richard sorts out public transport

and James get beaten up by a boat.

(Cheering and applause)

Hello! Hello, and we start...

We start with something strange
cos, you see, last year,

you couldn't buy a BMW
unless you were a cock.

But, then, all of a sudden,
people with huge watches

and stupid Oakley sunglasses,
people who tailgate you on motorways,

suddenly started to buy Audis instead.

No idea why. Don't really care.

Because what this means,
normal people with normal watches

can now buy, for the first time ever,
what, if we're honest,

has always been the best
sport saloon of them all, the M3.

Some people are saying this new model
is too soft and too squidgy

but I'm not one of them.

The fact is that last year we showed
the two-door coup? version

was way faster round a track than
its rivals from Audi and Mercedes.

And now your children can have
their spleens crushed as well

because this is
the new four-door version.

It has the same equipment
as the coup? we tested.

It has the same butch front end
and despite the extra weight,

the performance
is almost identical as well.

Of course, with the two extra doors

and a bigger boot, incidentally,

you would expect the saloon
to be more expensive than the coup?

and it isn't, actually.

This is L49,000
so it's 1,400 quid less.

This, then, is a brilliant car.

The obvious choice for the family man
who has a light

that wants to keep it under his bushel.

0r is it?

Because now
there's a new kid on the block.

This.

The Lexus IS F.

Now, driving a Lexus has always been

like sitting in a bucket
of warm wallpaper paste,

reading a Jane Austen novel.

But with this one, they claim
they've built a M3 killer.

It's certainly very hi-tech.

For instance, it has a Sport Vehicle
Integrated Management System,

What's more, full lock-up control
is used in second gear

without the tongue converter.

Hmm, Jane Austen could only dream
about such things.

Happily, however, most of
this Japanesey PlayStation stuff

is buried under a wall
of brute force and noise.

(Tires screech)

It has a massive five-liter V8 engine...

which produces about
the same amount of power as the M3

but more torques.

It is, however, 100kg heavier.

So let's see how the two of them
get on in a drag race.

(Engines revving)

(Tires screech)

Wow!

I am ahead!

Oh, he's coming back!

Come on!

Eventually, the heavy Lexus would win...

because while the BMW is limited to 155 mph,

the IS F will keep going
all the way to 168.

It is a quick car but what happens
when you show it some corners?

(Tires screech)

Wow!

Well, as you can see,
I'm now behind the M3,

which has been driven
by touring car racer, Tom Chilton.

So let's see
if he can get away from me.

This is so... completely
out of character for a Lexus.

It's like Mr. Darcy coming out of the lake

and then machine-gunning
a fluffy kitten for fun!

Oh, he's hard on those brakes!

These brakes are good too.
I've got to be honest.

Understeer just kills everything.
Then the weight coming out.

You see,
he's already got 100 yards on me.

That BMW must be exciting.
Look what it's done to his hair!

(Tires screech)

I can keep up
but I have to work so much harder

cos this is just not quite
as composed as the Beamer.

So what about price?

Well, the Lexus is L1,000 more
than the BMW

but it comes
with more stuff as standard.

So it is slightly better value.

The Lexus also has
slightly more space,

a slightly bigger boot

and a dashboard
from the pages of science fiction.

0n paper, then, and on the track,

this really does seem like it
could be an alternative to the BMW.

But it isn't.

Firstly, it has eight gears
and that's too many

cos it's always changing its mind.

(Humming revs)

Then there's the styling.

The normal IS
is a fine and handsome thing

but with all its puffed-up bits and pieces,

this is a bit of a mess

and those tail pipes are fakes.

There's more.

This may have more torques
than the BMW

but they're all at the top
of the rev range.

That's like putting them
on the top shelf in the kitchen.

You can never really reach them.
They're never there.

The worst thing about the Lexus,
though, is the way it rides.

The BMW manages to be
sharp and comfortable.

This doesn't. It's hard. Really hard.

When you're driving normally,
a sports saloon should soothe your brow,

not attack it with scissors.

To sum up, then, the Lexus
does a lot of things brilliantly

but the BMW,
that does everything brilliantly.

In the past,
you had to be a cock to buy one.

Now, though,
you're a cock if you don't.

- (Inaudible)
- Oh, yeah, yeah.

Let me make sure
I've got this absolutely right.

Cocks are now driving Audis.

Yes. I had one right up my chuff
this morning on the...

(Laughter)

What? On the A3, on the way down.
It was this close.

So what do you have to be
to drive a Lexus?

A dork.

So to drive an AMG-Mercedes,
you'd have to be an arse, a big arse.

A big tall, actually, slightly fat arse.

- You're being Captain Horrid.
- Yes, I am.

We haven't time to explore
this new trait of your personality

because it is time now
to put the IS F round our track.

That means handing it
to our tame racing driver.

Some say that one of this eyes
is a teste.

(Laughter)

And that he was turned down
for I'm A Celebrity

because people have heard of him.

All we know is he's called the Stig!

And away he goesl

Gone in a biblical ball of smoke

and strangely, that was from the exhaust,
not the tiresl

Even the Stig can't access
that top-shelf torque off the line

but he can torture the tires
by the sounds of itl

(Bleeping)

Stig is still listening to Morse.
No idea what it's saying

but I'm sure the internet will tell us.

Heaved it round Chicago there.
Now coming up to Hammerhead.

Squirming under braking.

That gives away
the sheer weight of this thing,

perhaps because of that
five-liter V8 up front.

Now that's tire smokel

I suspect this car could do
with a proper limited slip diff,

not an electronic one.

(Bleeping)

Laboring his way up all eight gears.
Through the Follow-through.

That's looking fast through the Tiresl

Two corners left. All the way down.
Boxed againl Getting sidewaysl

This really isn't as easy as the M3
to drive quickly.

Now Gambon. Still looking frisky.

And across the line!

Not a bad time. Not a bad time.

Ready?

It did it in 1:26.9.

So that's pretty quick.

That's about the same as a Lotus Exige.

Thing is, though, earlier on
we put the BMW round.

It did it in 1:25.3.

Look at that! That's the same as
a convertible Lamborghini Gallardo.

So, really, we've got
a Top Gear top tip here.

If you are an employer and you
take someone on who has a Lexus,

he'll be late for work
and he'll be a dork when he gets there.

(Laughing)

Unless you employ someone
with an AMG-Mercedes,

in which case they'll arrive at work
in a cloud of smoke

and then they'll be an arse
when they get there.

Speaking of which...

What?

Nothing. You just came up in conversation.

- Are you wearing that for a bet?
- No.

- No?
- No.

Oh. (Laughs)

Right, shall we do the news?

Yes. And let's kick off
with this Infinity.

New brand to the UK.

And it is to Nissan
what Lexus is to Toyota.

A kind of posh version of it.

They're coming over with some cars,
some four-by-fours and this.

Now this is a V6 engine.
3.7- Litre convertible.

All I want to know about this car
is why have they styled it

to look like the Lexus SE 430?

You know the one. Look.

That is undoubtedly the most vile
and hideous car ever made.

Why make it look like that?

(Laughter)

It is vile
but it's completely academic

because you never see one of those
in the real world.

- Go to Cheshire. They're everywhere!
- Are they?

They're always driven by those women
that have faces made from leather.

But whenever I see them,
those women driving those cars,

I really do want to stop them
and just ask.

I want to beg. "Why?!"

"Tell me. Why did you buy that?"
It's an expensive car.

It's like getting
every travel brochure

choosing your summer holidays
next year -

180 countries you could go to
and saying, "Yes, Germany."

Not Mauritius.
Dortmund is where I want to go.

It really is that bonkers a choice.
It's that terrible a car.

The thing is about the Infinity...
Can we just see the Infinity again?

That is, actually, just a Nissan
with a posh name.

It's like people who buy a normal
house in the middle of the road,

number 22, but then give it a name.

A friend of mine did that.
I think he lived in Litchfield.

It was 22, Acacia Avenue or whatever
and he called it Sea View.

- I quite like that!
- (Richard) That's quite good.

Hey, hey, now you know Porsche
is always saying

that they don't really restyle the 911

cos they want to maintain
that sense of purity and tradition.

I don't think that's true.

I think they don't restyle
it properly cos they can't.

They have no idea at Porsche
how to restyle cars.

If you think about it, the four-wheel
drive, it's the Cayenne.

The Cayenne looks like a 911
that's been reversed into a shed, yes?

And now they're doing a four-door car

which is called the Panamera,
which sounds like a hat.

Look at this.

- It's just woeful!
- (Richard) It is.

- (James coughs)
- You all right?

Excuse me. No. I'm going to die.

Is it this?
Has this made you feel sick?

That's exactly what it is. I looked
at that and it nearly killed me.

It's so awful.

Listen. I was driving a Volvo XC60
this week, the new one.

The front of it
is all full of radars and sensors

cos the idea is
you can't actually crash it.

I was thinking there must be
a simpler solution to not crashing.

And I think I've come up with it.

Oh.

For once, will you bear with me
on this, OK?

Just imagine if you had
on the front of your car a magnet,

everybody has one,
with the north pole facing out, OK.

So you come along. Head-on accident.

(Laughing)

You could never have a head-on crash.

This is one of these windy-up cars
so I won't even cheat. Ready?

- See?
- (Laughter)

You see?

Have I just solved road safety?

Apart from the big cliff.

Do you know, actually, technically,
you're right about that.

Listen! Backing from Captain Maths!

No, but the only drawback is
on full-size cars

you would need extremely,
I mean extremely, large magnets.

- Yes, we get extremely large...
- You haven't thought this through.

Look, here's a car parked
at the traffic lights waiting.

You'll come up behind
to the other end of his magnet.

That's his north pole.
You're going to have a crash.

- Whether you brake or not...
- No, that's the south pole.

South to north, bang!
You're going to have a crash.

Utterly, utterly hopeless!
We'll all be killed.

These are small details, OK.
Think of the fuel saving. Seriously.

- What?
- You wouldn't get a puncture.

Why wouldn't I get a puncture?

Ha ha! The man here doesn't look bright.

(Laughing)

You'd be driving along.
Every screw and nail on the front.

You'd never get a puncture.
I thank you!

Along with the manhole covers
and signposts!

And the railings and traffic lights!

And dogs with metal collars on!
And skips!

You are just nit-picking!

I will admit there are
one or two things I need to address.

Like the laws of physics,
for example.

Yes. I will find a way round them.
Don't you worry.

OK, now, you know Boris Johnson,
Mayor of London?

When he was voted in,
he said he was going to review

what sort of buses we used in the
capital city of the United Kingdom.

As Jeremy pointed out last series,
Boris has been faffing about on this.

So we figured it was about time
for some Top Gear help,

whether he wanted it or not.

To find out what sort of bus
is best for a busy city,

obviously, you should form
some committees and a focus group

and then do some intensive studies

into running costs, safety, passenger
usage and the environmental impact.

But all of that takes time.

So, instead, we're going to sort this

using the ultimate
crucible of excellence, motorsport.

For anything on four wheels,

this is the white heat of the anvil
of the spearhead of evolution.

If you want to improve the breed,
you go motorsport.

Second is the first of the losers.

You have to win to win, etc, etc.

0ur testing ground is here.

Lydden Hill circuit in Kent.

A place often described
as the Monza of southern England...

by people
who have never been to Monza.

It's normally a rallycross circuit
so it is a challenging mix

of hairpins and fast sweepers,
tarmac and loose gravel.

Much like central London, in fact.

So, let's meet the candidates
for the next London bus.

Representing the double-decker,
a 1987 Leyland 0lympian.

Representing the single-decker,
we have a 1993 Dennis Dart.

Then, on behalf
of the current London champion,

we have the Mercedes 0305G.

This, of course, is a bendy bus

and that means
it'll probably spend a day

causing crashes and bursting
into flames for no obvious reason.

Which is why we've got two of them.

Finally, representing
the compact hopper bus,

we have a 1997 Metrorider.

Now because there is
so much at stake here,

we can't leave the driving
to any old bus driver.

So we've brought in our old friends,
the touring car drivers.

(Crashing)

Their precise and delicate touch
certainly got motorhome racing

off to a great start last year.

So please welcome
touring car legend, Anthony Reid.

Touring car legend, Matt Neal.

Touring car legend, Gordon Sheddon.

And, for the second time tonight,

hairdressing legend, Tom Chilton.

To be honest, they're not that good
on passenger usage per mile.

But if you want to sort out
the other important bus stuff -

understeer, lift-off, oversteer -
then these are your men.

Each driver went
for their preferred mount,

leaving me
with the blue and yellow bendy bus.

Now last time this lot got together,
with the motorhomes,

it all degenerated
into a bit of a demolition derby.

But this time because we're
carrying out important research,

they have promised me
absolutely no contact.

Yep.

(Klaxon)

This is it! We are off!

Let the investigations begin!

Interestingly, both bendy buses,
57 feet in length,

but his is mid-engined, mine is rear.

So a good race should sort out
which one is best.

True to their word, the touring car
racers avoided body contact,

for, ooh, at least half a lap.

Ah-ho.

It's just their sensitive touch.

(Banging)

Yeah, that cost me a mirror.

Thinking about it, we have missed
one thing out on this test. Cyclists.

We should have had bicycles
on the circuit,

perhaps being pedaled by bus drivers.

After two or three laps,

I realized that finding the best bus
would be harder than I thought...

because all of them
had their good and bad points.

Now, the double-decker -
aluminium body, air suspension,

it should have potential
here on the track.

But it is compromised in other ways.

No low floor means poor disabled access.

Wow! Look at that single-decker go!
What a maneuver!

And I believe we have a tail out!
That was majestic!

It's only licensed to carry 24 seated
with a further 21 standing

and that is where
the bendy bus comes in.

Licensed to carry 98.

(Tires screech)

Whoa!

And the seating is pretty flexible.

So with all the buses
putting forward a good case,

if we were to find a winner,
we'd have to turn up the wick.

Whoa!

Common everyday scene
from London streets.

This is important work.

First to suffer was the little hopper,

which didn't do too well
in the "I'm a bus driver

"and when I pull out I never use
my bloody mirrors" maneuver.

Oh, that's an evil move being pulled
on the diddy hopper there.

Thankfully, nobody
would dare mount such an attack

on a bus as big as mine.

Whoa!

Where did he come from?
You bloody idiot!

Whoa!

I was limping

and, frankly, the other bendy
was scoring low on passenger comfort.

The final lap.

Oh, my word!
Double-decker coming through!

The last few corners
were a straight duel

between the single-decker
and the double-decker.

But then...

Ignore that bit.

Just tell the mayor that was
a crash test or something.

0ur investigation was complete.

We've been thorough, comprehensive.

I've just driven over
that man's bonnet.

But we can announce a decision is made.

The best bus for London
and any other city

is the good old single-decker
cos it's quick.

I think what we should do now
is collate all those findings

and get them straight
to the mayor's office.

Yeah. Well done, everyone.

- (Applause)
- Well done, you!

Nobody can accuse us of dumbing down.

No, that was serious work.

That was just high-brow research
from start to finish.

It was, I honestly thought

that was like watching Melvyn Bragg
presenting the Open University.

No, I think we covered
all the bases there. It was thorough.

Now we have to move on.

You see, this week, my guest is quite
simply that bloke off Grand Designs.

Ladies and gentlemen, Kevin McCloud!

(Cheering)

I've waited a long time.

- Go on.
- Have a seat.

Thank you. Nice seat!

That one. Go in the Hammond spot.

Red Arrow.

Ladies and gentlemen, a genuine car fan
has come among us today.

Yeah, it's a guilty secret I have
but it's true.

It's a bit annoying cos I'm going
to want to spend most of the time

talking about interior design

and I suspect you're going
to want to talk about cars.

I don't know much about interior design
so let's talk about cars.

Looking through all the notes
and your past interests and so on,

you have a passionate interest in V8s.

Yes. I mean, my father was an engineer.

I'm looking at one now.

Is this coffee table turning you on?

I'm stroking it with my toe.

I've looked at the past cars
that you've had.

- Yes.
- The SL Mercedes V8.

Maserati coup? V8.

- Ferrari 355 V8.
- Yeah.

TVR Cerbera V8.

Look, the V8 thing...

- The food blender, yeah?
- Oh, my V8 food blender?

Yeah. Which was an out-and-out failure.

The blades need a bit of work

but it's already being converted,
as we speak, into a vacuum cleaner.

I think what you should do is combine
the two great male obsessions

and get a V8 to power a power shower.

Power shower? A male obsession
is internet pornography, isn't it?

I don't know how you could have

a V8-powered
internet porn connection.

Maybe you could.

Maybe that would deliver everything
that anybody's ever dreamed of.

So where does this love
of how things work come from?

Oh, it's my father who was an engineer.
He was a rocket scientist.

- What, a real one?
- A real one, yeah.

- Really?
- He designed stuff that went into space.

I grew up with a house where
the boiler was always in pieces,

there was always a car
in the middle of the kitchen in bits.

I've serviced most of my own cars.

I've done lots
of bioethanol petrol mixes,

experimented with fuels on them.

I'm interested in this idea
than you can service your own cars

because you did have a TVR Cerbera.

The point about the Cerbera
was it was a kit car in reverse,

in as much as you bought
a new shiny object

and you parked it at home
and it slowly disassembled itself.

You know,
the gear lever would come off.

It drive me up a slope once

with the headlamps and the washer
and the windscreen wipers

and the horn
all working at the same time.

It sort of drove itself.

- With none of them turned on?
- No. It turn them all on by itself.

(Laughter)

- Have you never had a Saab?
- I've had two Saabs.

I had a Saab, a big estate Saab
that ran on bioethanol.

Years and years ago,

my second car was a big
orange jelly-mould Saab, the 95.

I was going to say you must have done.
You can't be a designer...

It had a quarter-inch plate, that car.
It was fantastic.

You could crash into anything

and you'd leave
a Saab-shaped impression in it.

- Did you ever try?
- Yes!

I had it in my 20s, so in London.

I'd sit and read the paper
in the car on the hill

and suddenly find myself
glued to a Cortina!

Cos they are architects' cars.

I know you're not an architect
but design is the same sort of thing.

You're presumably very interested
in the aesthetics.

Of course I am.

Well, I'm interested in efficiency,
design, aesthetics, ecology.

I've gone green now. And don't smirk!

I was going to say...

My one ambition today was to come here
and use the word "eco" on Top Gear.

- Say it again.
- Eco!

(Jeering)

There's a ripple of applause
from the far corner!

You've caught the green bug.
We think of it as a disease.

I'll tell you what really excites me

is the idea that
when we use this word, eco,

it's useless calling cars eco-cars
or houses eco-houses.

The reason I love Aston Martins
is that the Aston is beautiful.

The Astons are beautiful cars.
They're beautifully put together.

98% of them that were ever made
are still on the road

and how sustainable can you get?

It's the business
of you have an Aston Martin

and you keep it in the garage

and you only drive it
1,000 miles a year.

A Toyota Prius
with its nickel batteries

is going to do a lot more damage,

if you believe that cars
are damaging the environment.

- Which I do!
- Which you do.

And you are entitled
to come here with this opinion

and not be killed in any way by!

I'm just going to figure out
my exit route from the studio now!

(Jeremy) Exactly!

I just want to get on to your lap,
if I may, OK?

Ah, yeah, yeah.

How was it?

It was addictive.
I've never done it before.

And I'm going to do it again a lot.

- Really?
- Yeah.

- You enjoyed it?
- I loved it.

I never thought
you could get so much pleasure

out of a little one point whatever it is.

Well, who'd like to see
how Kevin got on?

(All) Yes!

Here we go. Let's have a look.

(Tires screech)

Tamed that wheel spin nicely.

Oh, my God! Jesus, Mary and Joseph!

(Jeremy) You actually look terrified.

That was a dab of brakes there,
halfway through the corner.

Keep the front in check.

It looks so tame.
It looks so tame here.

(Jeremy) That doesn't look
quite as tame as you're making out.

That's well done.

Oh, baby.
I think this is going to hurt.

(Jeremy) Do you ever actually blink?

You haven't blinked... 0ohl

I've never seen countryside move so fast.

(Jeremy) Still haven't blinkedl

(Tires screech)

I have only one devout wish
and that is to beat Terry Wogan.

Oh! You couldn't get
much closer to those!

Now where are we going?

Come on, baby!

(Jeremy) Now this...
Well, that looks brilliantl

I've never seen
that done better than that.

(Kevin) That was because
I was driving at 15mph.

(Jeremy) No, you weren't.
There you... Look!

That second-to-last corner
was phenomenal!

And no spins.

I've never seen anyone do that.

Normally, people cut the corner
or go too far and run wide.

It was the penultimate one, though.

I'd finally got my act together
by the penultimate corner.

That's the trouble.

We must establish
how fast you went around.

There's the... There's the board.

I can't believe it.
This moment I've been dreaming of.

I'm looking, as you can see,
at the bottom ten.

No, you went faster than that.

OK. So maybe Keith Allen.

- Where's Keith Allen?
- He's there.

Rob Brydon, he's down there.

So dry track,
you did it in one minute...

- 40...
- Yes.

Five...

(Gasping)

What's the fastest ever? 45.8.

- Jeremy, you're...
- Point nine.

- I've got a new career!
- That is unbelievable!

- That's Cowell!
- No!

No!

The eco-mentalist!

- I don't believe it!
- That's amazing!

And, actually... We actually have...

- The specific time is 1:45.87.
- Yeah, yeah.

Jay Kay was 1:45.83.

So you're only half a second
off Jay Kay.

I don't know how you're going
to live this down.

That you have the eco-mentalist
come on the show and...

(Laughter)

Thank God for Jay Kay!

Though, if the eco-mentalist
had gone to the top,

you're barking up,
quite literally, the wrong tree.

You have a natural gift for it.
There's no doubt about it.

That's an amazingly quick time.

I can't say any more.
I'm a bit overcome.

You can hold your head up high.
Ladies and gentlemen, Kevin McCloud!

(Cheering)

And now I've very, very pleased to announce

that it is time for the Cool Wall, yeah!

(Cheering)

- You're going to start off?
- I am, I am. With this.

Now this is the Nissan GTR.

There's loads of technical reasons
why it's so clever and brilliant

but the simple facts are
it is faster round the N?rburgring

than a Porsche 911 Turbo
and it is half the price,

which means it is cool for that.

When you're a kid,
you want to impress girls.

You learn the guitar, the big ax thing,

not a Casio keyboard.

No girl's interested in a man who...

All the buttons,
very clever, not cool.

That's a very good point
but you don't have to explain that.

You can just get in
and drive it like a proper car.

- What are you driving these days?
- A Nissan...

Thank you.

- Uncool. Now may I just do this one?
- Yes, please.

This is the new Scirocco.
Basically, underneath it's a Golf GTi.

You pay L100 more for the Scirocco.
For that you get less practicality.

And that's a good thing

because who here married their wife
because she was easy to wipe down?

(Laughter)

- Anybody?
- What?!

That's why this is a cool car.

It might even be super cool.
What do we think? The Sciroccos?

Hands up for super cool.

Hands up for just cool.

They're wrong, you see!

They're momentarily correct
and then...

I think that is a super cool car. You?

Alfa Romeo, the MiTo.
The baby Alfa.

Small Italian car.

- Has anybody here got an Alfa?
- (Man) Yes!

Really? So there's two...

All the others are
in a cloud of steam on the A3.

- What's yours?
- It's a Sport Wagon. 156.

Excellent.
And you didn't buy a BMW because...

I wanted an Alfa.

Because, you see, he wasn't a cock.

And who else had an Alfa?

Can I just say I'm his son
and, yes, he has.

What, he is a cock?

What do you drive?

- I don't at the moment.
- Clearasil will help with that.

- Do you find him attractive?
- I came with them.

(Laughter)

Is everybody all together?

- They brought me here.
- What the hell accent is that?

American.

- You're American?
- Oh.

You can't be.
You're nowhere near fat enough!

You're American? Welcome.

Welcome to the free world.
You'll like it here.

Did everybody come in one group?
Where were we?

It's nice to have the colonies here.

It's called a MiTo, M-l-T-O,

because it was designed in Milan
and built in Turino, OK, Turin.

I'm thinking, what if
they designed it in Twickenham

and built it in Attercliffe?

But they didn't and as a result
it's a cool car and that's the end of it.

- (Jeremy clears throat)
- Wow, yes!

This is a Morgan Aeromax
and I have a question.

What kind of monumental moron
would spend L100,000 on a car

as catastrophically ugly as that,
Richard Hammond?

It is utterly beautiful

and it's as English as the Malvern Hills
amongst which it's built.

It combines cutting-edge technology

with proper traditional
old-fashioned craftsmanship.

I got in yours, couldn't help noticing

there was a wooden beam
running down the roof.

Yes, it does have a beamed ceiling.
It does.

And when you open up the handbook
does it go, "Hear ye, hear ye"?

What do we think of this car? May I?

- Uncool.
- Uncool.

Cool. I like it.

Well done, sir! Stand up to him.
He's a big oaf. Just keep going.

Would you be inclined to sleep
with this man if he had that car?

- No.
- No.

- Would you sleep with him?
- I have to.

You have to?

(Laughter)

And, anyway, mate,
you know the rules of the Cool Wall.

If we have one of the cars here,
it goes there and that's an end of it.

So our hands are now empty
and you think the Cool Wall is over?

However, I have a theory
that the Jaguar XKR convertible,

which we said,
the last time we did this,

was the coolest car
you can buy in Britain today,

- may have met its match.
- Really?

In this box here...
Yes, I really do believe this.

The Volvo V70 estate.

What?! Whoa, hang on!
What, you're saying that's?

This is now the coolest car in Britain.

You can tell
by the stunned silence in this room.

You can go too far and that's not...

We know...
I'll have to whisper this slightly.

People who like cars are quite dreary.

Yeah.

When you go to a dinner party
and you sit next to someone

and you go you're interested
in cars, they move away.

- We are car bores.
- Terrible.

You can drive this great car

but you can pretend
you're not interested in cars.

This is a box for carrying
your air bags around in.

It's driven by men
who have a problem stopping

when they've finished weeing.

It's just a dismal,
dreary, safety-obsessed...

It's like turning up on Bondi Beach
with a life jacket already on!

Who is the worst-dressed man
in the world?

Our studio director, Brian.

He comes to work
in a piece of faux seal skin

and you go, "Brian, that's rubbish."

He goes, "Yeah, but,
look, it's Dolce and Chanel"

or whatever they're called,
as though that's an excuse.

This, OK, has no badge.

It's just a blue turtleneck jumper.

No, that has no badge
just like it has no genitals!

It just says, "I've given up.
Give me my Volvo."

- You're wearing Volvo shoes!
- No, I'm not. They're not!

- You are!
- They're not!

They're RM Williams!
They're just boots!

Australian Volvos!
Little bit of a heel at the back.

(Laughter)

You can tell a lot.

You can tell a lot
about a man's car from his shoes.

All right, what are they, then,
if they're not Volvo ones?

They're Lancias.
Can't go through puddles!

- You must be American.
- It's true.

This is somebody with a Nissan Micra.

Perfect.

There you are.
And I'm guessing here, Jag.

- A6.
- A6? Cock.

Oh, my God! What kind of an idiot?
Oh, hello, James!

Hiya.

Well, actually, I'm glad you're here.

I'm going to pop this on the board.

I'm prepared to nail it, though,
if you go near it.

I'm glad you're here, James,
because it's time to move on.

You see, this year, a motoring icon
is celebrating its 40th birthday.

Richard Hammond?

No, he's 38, same as he was last year
and the year before.

It's his birthday next week, isn't it?

It is, actually. Then he'll be 38.

- Yes, all right! Funny, funny!
- 38-year-old Richard Hammond!

I am! Thank you very much!

This motoring icon, though,
it's an important one.

To celebrate its birthday,
we had to go somewhere really special.

To here, in fact, the Riviera.

The legendary stretch of coastline,

which for decades,
has been the spiritual home

of playboys, movie stars
and the jet set.

Which sort of makes it
the perfect place

for one of the all-time
great jet-set cars.

The Ferrari Daytona.

It may take its name
from a race track in America

but, trust me, the Daytona
is the absolute essence

of pure European supercar.

Drop-dead-gorgeous looks.

Stunning speed. Born in Italy.

I'm going to take it
for a drive now from here, Portofino,

which is a sort of Italian Whitby,

along the cost to St. Tropez.

And even though it's 40 years old,

this is the perfect machine
for the job.

- No, it isn't.
- Yes, it is.

Well, it isn't.

Well, it just is.
That's why I'm here with it.

It isn't. Not anymore.

What is?

(James) Well, it's a boat.

Not that one.

This one.

What we have here is the XSR48,
or in plain English,

the only way to get around
on the Riviera.

Not only is it stunning to look at...

it's also the world's fastest
diesel-production boat

with a top speed of 80mph.

James, this is from the future
but you're from 1948.

Yes, I know you think that

but I like modern,
intelligent engineering solutions

and this is one.

This is a carbon-fiber racing hull

that's won world
powerboat championships

and then they've put some nice seats
and switches, sat-nav.

(Richard) James was adamant that
this wasn't some rich man's vulgar toy.

So, Mr. May, defend this.

- Yes, I was hoping you wouldn't...
- That is a carbon-fiber bog.

Yeah, it is.

(Richard) To prove to James, of all people,

that the old ways are the best,

I offered to race him to St. Tropez.

Him in his carbon-fiber convenience

and me in the greatest
grand tourer ever made.

How much is that worth, by the way?

That one? L200,000.

L1.25 million.

Chav!

Move your scrap off the harbor.

(Engine revs)

(Richard) The start of the race
wasn't exactly dramatic.

There was a three-knot speed limit
in the harbor

and my car was, well, 40 years old.

These old Daytonas
take a while to warm up

and you have to skip second gear.

Go straight to third for a while

until the gearbox
is up to temperature,

otherwise it sort of explodes.

(James) While his 250-mile route
was 40 miles longer than mine,

Hammond was convinced he'd be able
to maintain a higher average speed.

But once my cabin cruiser
was out on to the open water,

it would turn into
a ferocious powerboat racer

and, for that reason,
I couldn't drive it on my own.

This is Peter. He's a many-times
World Powerboat champion.

Holds powerboat endurance records.

He's doing
the tricky throttle and trim stuff.

I'm doing the steering and the nav.

How fast are we going? Nine knots.

(Peter) We need to go in the right direction.
We're going the wrong way.

Hang on. It's that way, isn't it?

(Richard) The autostrada beckoned.

This is it!

The Daytona shouldn't really have
to defend its honor on its birthday

but if James wanted a race,
he'd get one.

4.4- Liter Italian V12 unleashed!

(Laughs)

Right, here we go.
1,600 shaft horsepower.

That's more than 1.5 times
what a Buggati Veyron has got.

(Paul) About 45 knots so 50mph.

Here's a tunnel.
I'll have to open the window a bit.

Sorry about the wind.

Oh, that really is spine-tingling!

70mph across the water. That's fabulous!

This boat has been conceived
like a supercar.

It's very powerful. Very, very light.

It's very agile.

It has just enough
trim and creature comforts

to make it bearable but that's all.

It is a hardcore performance machine.

(Richard) My supercar doesn't have
a space-age khazi

but it does have
infinitely more pedigree.

What's odd about the Daytona

is that if somebody says to you,
"Ferrari Daytona,"

even if you've never been in one,
if you've never seen one,

it just sounds right.

You know with a name like that
it's not going to be a minger.

These days, it takes
many months and many millions

to design a new car.

The Daytona, seven days
and just look at it.

It's... absolutely sublime.

(James) 0n the water, I had no time

for Hammond's misty-eyed
Mills and Boonery.

Whole towns just racing by!

I know what's going on
in Richard Hammond's mind.

He's got a romantic vision of,
I don't know, Sophia Loren

and the Shah of Persia
and all those people.

But it's different now.

This place is full of Puffy Dad
and New York Hilton.

This is the modern way to do it.

As long as I'm not driving.

- (Peter) Ten o'clock! Go behind him!
- I've got him!

(Richard) When it was launched in 1968,

the Daytona cost L10,000,

making it
the most expensive Ferrari ever.

But not everyone thought
it was worth the money.

A year earlier, Lamborghini
had brought out the Miura.

That was impossibly futuristic,
mid-engined.

It was really showing
the way forward for supercars.

And, yet, here was Ferrari
with a front-engine car.

In its day, it was seen
as a bit of a dinosaur.

But the Daytona had the last laugh.

Because of the Miura's front-end lift
at high speeds,

it started to go very light
cos aerodynamically it didn't work.

It could never get near its top speed.

This could, 174.

(James) 30 miles into my journey,
the water was getting a bit choppier

but I wasn't worried.

My seat here is suspended

with suspension units
off a Paris-Dakar racer.

The technique, apparently,
is to relax.

Let the seat take the battering.

Whoa!

(Richard) 40 miles into my journey

and something rather perverse
was happening.

You're watching a man go through
the process of falling in love.

It's not perfect,
this new love of mine.

I'd heard stories

about the incredibly
heavy steering and the clutch,

it's a bit like a big Italian
V12-engine truck.

And all those things are true.

Operating the steering wheel
is like turning

one of those hatch wheels on a submarine.

But the Daytona
brings back the glamour.

It reminds the Riviera
what the Riviera is all about.

Ooh! Ooh!

Wow!

(James) 0n the ocean waves,
life was no longer so jolly.

Situation report: It's becoming very, very choppy

so we've had to reduce our speed
by ten knots or so.

And on top of that, the Dakar seats
weren't really helping.

Oh!

Meanwhile, in the Daytona...

Oh!

Argh!

- Argh!
- (Peter) You all right?

Ah.

The camera was broken.
I was broken.

And the rough seas
had forced us down to 25 knots,

which meant that Hammond
would be roaring ahead.

God, how much further is it?

(Peter) About 100 nautical miles.

Argh!

Marvelous!

(Richard) I was, indeed, ahead
and as I neared the French border,

I was so in love with the Daytona
that I might have been babbling a bit.

Everything that it was, it still is

and when you drive one
here, doing this...

The mechanical interface
between you and it,

it does take you into its...

Mercifully, my doe-eyed dribbling
was then cut short.

(Siren)

I think we've just been pulled
by the police.

Ah, oh, yes.

He's waving his arm at the cameraman.

Er... I think the rest of this film may not
look as good as the first bit.

I'm in a Daytona
and I'm wearing shades

so I'm absolutely fine.

(James) Despite Hammond's setback,

we had to keep going
as fast as our spines would allow

if we were to stay in the race.

We are back up to 41, 42 knots,

which is almost twice as fast
as we were going half an hour...

(Gasps)

It's much better
than a Max Mosley party!

(Speaking Italian)

My shades haven't worked.

The Italian police weren't convinced

that we had rightful possession
of the Daytona.

He wants the documents for the car.

Documents for the...

Sort of no. I don't have them.

(Peter) 77 miles to go.

How do we know when we're in France?

Does the sea become even rougher,
like the roads do?

Whoa, this is enormous!

Argh!

(Richard) This was bad.
My lead was now being destroyed.

Right, I'll go and sort this out.

Right, they told us to follow them
to the police station.

(James) 0ut on the sea, my body
may have been taking a battering

but at least I didn't have
to worry about the rozzers.

(Bleeping)

- Is that the police?
- Yeah.

Oh, God! He wants to see documents.

- (James on phone) Hello.
- Hello. How are you?

I've been stopped by the police.

You haven't?!

Yeah, the sea police.

(Richard) You know the Riviera thing,
the grand tour,

it's not what it was, is it?

It's not all Sophia Lollobrigida
any more.

There's more paperwork involved

than Brigitte Bardot
would have been doing and does.

(James) Finally, we were both released.

Right, St. Tropez.

But because the police had stopped
Hammond for much longer,

I had now closed the gap.

We are now going past Monaco,
which is on the right.

50 nautical miles to go.

It's anybody's race.

(Richard) But then at motorway speeds,

it soon started to go my way again.

A final stretch of motorway
down to St. Tropez

and I'm home and dry.

I am probably the most low-rent,
low-brow chavvy urchin

ever to pedal one of these along the Riviera.

- Over 50 knots.
- Yeah.

(Richard) With a considerable lead over James,

I was now off the motorway, on the A-road

and just 20-odd miles
from St. Tropez.

This is where the car
just comes alive now.

Yes, it's not a nimble, tiny,
lightweight sports car

but it feels lithe, supple.

And now, to complete a truly excellent day,

I shall win the race in the Daytona,
have a little gloat...

and then, I think, a beer.

Blister!

(Peter) 55, 57, 60 knots there!

(Richard) I was getting really close
to St. Tropez.

Land of glamour, here I come!

Any minute, the Daytona would be back
in the world of Mick and Bianca

where it belongs.

(Peter) 60 knots there.

(Richard) I was now entering
the fabled town itself.

Some of the signs and advertising
hoardings have got a bit bigger

but, you know, modern world.

OK, this is getting a bit snarly now
but fair dos.

(Peter) There's a bit of land
you can see to the left.

We head for that now.

(Richard) As James powered on,
I was discovering that St. Tropez

wasn't quite what I imagined.

(Car horns)

Oh, now this isn't right.

Holiday homes for sale.

Burgers.

Traffic.

The car's still brilliant
but the world's changed.

(James) I was just 15 miles
from the finish line.

15 miles at 45 knots is 20 minutes.

Mini golf.

If this car overheats...

And it will. It's old and Italian.

(James) 0n HMS Carbon Khazi,
we were flying.

61! Wahey! 65! Wahey!

2.5 miles to run.

(Richard) As I got closer
to the center of St. Tropez,

the traffic started moving again

and I was heading for the finish line,

a bar in the port.

Speed humps.

Speed humps in a Ferrari Daytona.
That's not right!

- Less than a mile!
- Beer! Beer!

I've got to be close now.

This is it.
Sorry, everybody, about the car.

He's not here. Oh, hang on.

Yes, yes, yes!

It's a pleasure to win.

- Do you know what?
- What?

I don't care because I said it was
the perfect vehicle for the job.

I didn't say fastest.

I said perfect and it was.
I mean, look at it here.

Look at them all over it.
It's beautiful!

- Tell me you don't agree.
- Bloody gorgeous.

(Laughs)

- There's something I want to ask.
- What?

Can I drive the car back? I'm broken.

- Please.
- Yes, you can.

(Applause and cheering)

(Jeremy indistinct)

Can I just say, James,
man, you were green.

No, no. That was just the camera.
I was black and blue.

Can I just say how nice it was
that for the first time

I got the comfy luxurious option
and it was just magnificent.

Can I just say how nice it was

that you two got to spend
some time together

on the Riviera in the sunshine

because next week I get to drive

a mid-range Ford Fiesta
in Basingstoke.

Yeah, and on that bombshell,
it's time to end.

Thanks for watching! Good night!

(Cheering and applause)