Top Gear (2002–…): Season 12, Episode 1 - Episode #12.1 - full transcript

Jeremy road tests the new Porsche 911 GT2 and compares it to the new Lamborghini Gallardo LP560-4. In an attempt to see how hard can it be to be a lorry driver, the presenters were given each 5000 pounds and go out and buy a lorry (big rigs that transport containers) and then they will be given a number of challenges.

Tonight, the brighter,
whiter way to ruin your underpants.

How much lorry-ing
can you get for £5,000?

And Michael Parkinson has a go
in tu' reasonably priced car.



CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Hello! Hello and welcome!

Hello!

Thank you so much, thank you and
welcome to a brand new series.

Now, in this series we thought
we'd aim it at a slightly
more mature, older audience,

so we did a thing on why beige
is the right colour for your car.

Erm, we did... I went on a coach
tour of North Wales.

And then, and then we found out
the BBC is putting us up against
Strictly Come Sequins.

The same time, on the other side!

Now, everyone over the age of 85
is gonna be watching that,

so we had to throw all our hard
work away, and literally,
yesterday morning, begin again.

Here comes a taster now of what
we've been able to cobble together.



Blinkers on, and off we go!

Aagh! Ha-ha!

Wow! This is great!

Right, San Tropez.

Please can I go home?

No!

Go, go, go!

Come o-o-o-on!

Check it out!

Forward into the pages of history!

This is important work.

Stig's Communist cousin.

Goodbye, Mr May!

It's Hakkinen!

Now, I'm just utterly lost.

Back to the studio.

Hey, that's my line!

ALL LAUGH

APPLAUSE

Not bad, hey?

All that in 24 hours.

So anyway, that's
what's coming up in the series.

Now, let's get on with tonight,
has bought Volkswagen,

and as a result every hedge
in the world has gone bust.

I've no idea what any of that means,
but I do understand this,

it is the GTII, it's a lightweight,
stripped out, hardcore two-wheel
drive version of the Turbo.

And I've been out on the track
to see what it's like.

Aaaaaaagh!

Aaaaaaagh!

Aaaaaaagh!

And that concludes
my road test of the GTII.

It's terrifying.

Which is why, if I wanted
a really fast two-seater,

I'd get one of these.

Some people have said
in the last year or so
that the Lamborghini Gallardo

is just an Audi R8 with a fancy name
and a bigger price tag.

Not any more it isn't.

This new model,
daintily called the LP560-4,

looks pretty much
the same as the old model.

But it's 20 kilograms lighter,
and more powerful.

It now has a 5.2-litre V10,

which produces 552 horsepowers.

That means this streak of
white lightning is faster even
than the old Gallardo Super Legera.

It's faster, too,
than a Ferrari Scuderia.

That thing has launched control,
you put it in first, built the
boost up to 13lb per square inch,

dump the clutch, and you're off.
This has something
called thrust control.

I think that sounds like the hero
in an airport thriller -
Thrust Control.

What you do, put it in Corsa,
which means...something.

Turn off the traction control,
like so.

Left foot on the brake,
build the revs up...

Oh, my God!

Wow!

That's so fast.

So, the Lamborghini is faster,
and it's nicer to drive as well.

In a corner, the GTII
was all over the place,

the wheel was bucking and riding,

the back end was playing hopscotch,
the front end was pitter-pattering.

Look at it!

I can see it here, look, following
me around on this rear-view camera,

it's like being chased
around by a turbocharged,
newly-born albino smoking horse!

Don't get me wrong,
this is still very Lamborghin-ish.

Loud, big grunt...

But behind the shouty,
get out of my way exterior

beats the heart of
a big four-wheel-drive softie.

I'm not kidding, anyone could get
into this and drive it very fast
straight away, no problem at all.

MUSIC: THE ARCHERS THEME

Drawbacks?

You have to have
the flappy paddle gear box,

which is annoying some of the time.

Like for instance
when you're parking.

But the option is
the six-speed manual,
which comes with the clutch pedal,

and that means there's nowhere to
put your left foot.

And that's annoying all the time.

So far as styling's concerned,

the GTII is just
a squashed Volkswagen Beetle
with a wing on the back.

The Lamborghini on the other hand
will probably go down
in automotive history

as one of the all-time
great-looking cars.

Especially with its
pointy new Reventon-style nose.

They say this new shape is much less
damaging to any pedestrians
you might hit.

But, if I were a pedestrian,

and I saw one of these
things coming, I'd just go...

As I see it, there's just one
drawback to this low-riding Lambo.

At £147,000, it's even more
expensive than a loaf of bread.

So, it's your choice, really.
You can have a dog.

Aaarrghhh!

Or a car that can be driven by one.

How can you not like the GTII,
you great, fat, balding, useless,

hopeless, bandy-legged bubble head,
pointless, talentless, gutless,

cowardly, witless lump
of suede shoe-wearing

daft-jean wearing idiocy?

I knew you were gonna say that.
All of that?

So I've decided that we're gonna
settle this on the track, OK?

That means handing these cars
over to our tame racing driver.

Some say that he sleeps inside out.

And that he once had full sex with
Russell Brand's answering machine.

All we know is,

he's called The Stig!

And he's off! Just a hint of
wheelspin, but then it digs in,

this thing really is
ferocious off the line.

The green Lambo here, Stig
trying to mount the white one!

Very composed through
the first corner,

like to see the Porsche try that!

BEEPING

Yes, Stig appears to have
started listening to Morse code,

very strange, or maybe
it's him making that noise!

Belts it through Chicago.
Now, Hammerhead...

Four-wheel drive, of course,
that should keep it tidy.

Yes, it does!
Not a hint of understeer,

just a wall of that V10 noise.

BEEPING
And Morse code.

Now, Follow-through.

Look at that, he's having to use
a flick of opposite lock,
Stig's really going for it!

Steps out again after
the tyres, steady on,
you Morse-crazed mentalist!

Two corners left, still working
hard, only Gambon to go now.

Look at this! Here he comes,
he just glides it through,

and across the line!

The Lamborghini did it in 1.19.5,

that's quicker
than the Scuderia, I said.

Now let's do the news.

No, no, no! Very good,
but what about the Porsche?

No, what did the Porsche do it in?
I don't think anybody's interested.

It was faster, wasn't it?

What time did the GTII manage?

Tell me the time for the Porsche.

It's caught fire.

I don't know how that happened, it's
literally spontaneously combusted!

Where does it go on the board?

Can't see any more.

It was an hour. An hour?

Yeah, I'm sorry, mate, that's it.

That is pathetic!

It has come to this,
let's do the news, as I said.

Right, the news. And of course we
have been off the air for a while.

God, he's such a child.
Yes, where is he, anyway?

I don't know, in the audience
flicking people's ears and blaming
people... Excuse me. Hi.

What a man. What a man!

Or...

Ah!

Twice on the trot!

Still, never mind, Lewis,
next year, third time lucky.

But why do we record this
on a Wednesday? I've no idea.

If we did it on a Sunday,
we'd know by now.

world. I'll tell you what,

if we recorded on a Sunday, we'd
know who won Strictly Come Dancing,
and then we could tell everybody.

Now, OK, there has been
a financial crisis.

Is it the first time
you've heard of it?

What happened in essence as far
as I could work out is
because we were off the air,

everyone got bored,
so banks started lending money
they hadn't got to other banks

that gave the non-existent money
to Mexicans in southern California
who couldn't pay it back.

Now as a result
your cars are all worthless. Yeah.

I think what I've done there
is summarised the financial crisis
quite well. You done it nicely.

I was having dinner with a man.
We were talking about
the financial problems,

and he said he bought a Volkswagen
Phaeton, the five-litre V10.

He paid £60,000 for it, 18
months ago, just been offered 17.

Ow! That's £85 a day
depreciation on a Volkswagen.
You're gonna feel that.

I can beat that. Really?

Yes, the Aston Martin V8 Vantage,
a nice one, £88,000, list price...

We know somebody who's got one
of these, actually.

Yeah, we do, it's, erm,
hang on, er...

Oh, no! It's the Clarksons!
That's it, I knew somebody...

I'm not going to enjoy this, am I?
No, do carry on, please.

A car just like yours...
The one you've got.

It was £88,000 new, with
a few extras on it, guess how much
that was worth a year later?

What? £44,000.
Half its value gone.

Halved its va...?
Anyone here got a V8 Vantage?

Well, you're all
better off as a result.

Has anybody here got a Vanquish?

Here? Yeah. No, cos they're here,
James. That's very true.

That's even worse, that's £175,000 -

guess how much that car was worth
after 10,000 miles?

Guess how much he got. No idea.

£50,000.

That's 125 grand in 10,000 miles!

So that means if his nearest shop
is two miles away, if he pops out
for a pint of milk,

that's 50 quid. Yes.

£50 for a pint...?

That's £50 in depreciation,
that doesn't include, you know, tyre
wear, petrol, insurance, milk...

You see, I get my milk from the
back of a cow, it's much cheaper.

From the back of a c...?
That's not milk.

LAUGHTER

Under a cow.

It's not just Astons.

Mercedes Benz CL 600,
the big coupe...

Yes. 2004, how much do you think
it was worth then?

Well it depends on a million things,
like, is it baby diarrhoea brown?

No, it's black.

Has it done a million miles?
No, it's done 30,000 miles.

Four-year-old, they're 100 grand,
those things. About four years
ago, about 100 grand? Yep.

So £100,000,
four years old, 30,000 miles,

in black, with extras, 50? 55.

16. 60? 16.

16,000? He got £16,000 for it.
For a hundred grand car?

I'd have given him a 16 and a half.

I'd have gone 17.

Are you watching?

How do you feel now?
Yeah, you sold it cheap!

I'll tell you exactly
what's happened here,

Since 1993, the whole world
of flash cars has been
playing musical chairs,

and the music has just stopped,
so whatever colour you've got now,
or house, that's it for life.

James, bad news, the Dacia Sandero.

The what? The Dacia Sandero
is not coming to the UK.

Oh!

AUDIENCE: Oh!

Now, er, British car...

British sports car makers,
heroic chaps in sheds,
they've always been able to

pretty much melt your heart
with their creativity,

with the fantastic swooping curves
of an E-Type Jaguar
or an Aston Martin DB7.

And now, there's
a new British sports car.

And here it is.

Good grief!

Is that a car or the shed he
built it in with some wheels?

It's the Jet Stream SC250,
it costs you £30,000,
and it's made in Cornwall.

Is it made out of tin?

No.

Clotted cream? Strawberry wheels...

Does it spend every night
on Harlyn Bay trying to snog
public school girls?

While smoking marijuana?

None of these jokes are
working with this audience,
but they are in my house.

I know what you mean! Yes.

Actually, I have to say,
I do feel for the poor bloke
who's launched this,

Are you saying all British sports
car manufacturers who
optimistically set up in a shed

and think they can do better than
Porsche go bust? What, like TVR?

Yes. Marcos? Yes.

Yes. Yes. Yes.

Ginetta. No!
Are Ginetta still going? They are.

Well, there's hope for him yet!

Erm, a really good report
in the papers this week,

and in Shropshire, somebody went
to one of those speed cameras,

put a tyre over it, a blanket over
the top of the whole ensemble

then poured petrol on it
and set it alight.

The fire brigade spokesman said
it was "a deliberate attack".

Now listen, a lot of, in the current
financial crisis, a lot of people
won't be going on holiday next year

to the Caribbean, or indeed
anywhere even remotely exotic.

But don't worry because I think I've
come up with a solution for you.

Check it out. Good grief!

It's a company in the Isle of Wight
that's modified a Citroen
by fitting it with a hat. Yeah.

Do you know, it cost £19,000?

What's that, is that a window,
or do you sort of unzip it, climb in,
and put your head through it?

Look, I've come as a Citroen!

It's like one of those things
at Pontin's -

go on, kids, stick your face through
the Citroen. At £19,000.

For a Citroen costume!

And it only has one bed. Well,
he's not gonna have a friend, is he?

No.

You won't need two!

Lorry drivers - they're
always telling us they
have got a very hard job.

As far as we can work out,
they go to work, sit down
and then go home again.

Yeah. How hard can that be?

To find out, the producers gave
us each £5,000 and told us to use

our extensive knowledge of
lorries and lorrying to try and buy
the best trucks we could find.

Then we were told to report to our
test track where we would find out

what it's actually
like to be a lorryist.

No, the purple one was
biscuit and raisin. No.

Yes, it had little bits of biscuit
in it. The blue was the original.

Blue has nothing extra.
Yes, that was. Just chocolate.

And then they did the pink one,
which was only.. EH?

They never did a pink one! They did.

It was called It's For Girls and they
only sold it on the Isle of Man.
Not a lot of people know that.

At exactly 9.14,
the lorries turned up.

Brilliant. Good.

Using our massive knowledge of HGVs,
we set about explaining why we bought
what we'd bought.

May, which one's yours?

Scania D94. This is the sleeper cab,
which has got the extra bit on
the back where you can sleep.

They also did it as a day cab,
which didn't have that bit
so you couldn't sleep in it.

He doesn't know anything.

What colour is it, James?

What have you got then? A lorry.

What sort? A big one.

Clearly. It's a Renault.

the engine, so it has a flat floor
and that means...

The floor's flat.
.. it's easier to fit the carpet.

Come on, Hammond.
Show me what you've got.

I have this. What is it?

It's an Erf. This was hopeless. So
we resorted to our lorry crib sheets.

Has yours got...

Is all this just my lorry?

12 litre straight six. Go.

11 litres. It's not as big
but it's still pretty big.

Nine litres. The thing is...

Did you just buy a shed?

Yours is tiny.
It is ridiculously small.

That's a Caterham of the lorry
world. Right. And the point
of that is?

Well, there's bound to be a speed
test. You think your lightweight
11 litre lorry...

It's a Lotus lorry. Yeah.

No, not that. In less developed
countries, such as Australia

and America, people like to decorate
and personalise their lorries.

You will now go away and do the same.

I'm gonna need a hell
of a lot of paint.

Once our lorries had been
redecorated, we were told to meet at

Top Gear's secret Alpine
test location in Bedfordshire.

Richard had tried to make his
lorry look more American by
fitting a bonnet,

which was actually a dog kennel.

James had gone for a gay
and friendly Indian look.

And I hadn't. Damn it.

So, time for the next challenge.

What matters to lorry drivers?
Murdering prostitutes...

And fuel economy. Load. Breakfast.

You must now demonstrate
your lorry driving skills by

power sliding your trucks around...

I presume it is that skid pad.

What is the point? You can't power
slide lorries anyway. Technically,
you can't power slide anything.

To prove that it's possible you
will now watch a demonstration
by our tame racing driver.

Some say that his favourite
all-time tune is Forever
Autumn by Justin Hayward

and that he has the world's
largest collection of
pornographical material.

All we know is, he's not The Stig
but he is The Stig's lorry-driving
cousin.

♪ On the highway to hell
On the highway to hell...

♪ Look, he's got the lorry
driver's suntan.

Oh, sunburn. I see, yes.

He's really as
big as the American Stig.

Rig Stig.

Rig Stig climbed into
his tuned man and set off.

Look at that! That's fantastic.

I love the smell of burning rubber
in the morning when it is
coming off that.

That is power sliding now.

He's doing a doughnut!

Run for your lives!

James, what do you reckon?
You can do that?

Piece of cake.

Gingerly, we hit the skid pan.

This strip I've put here, I
can't really see where I'm going.

Take the outside line
second gear high range.

Power sliding is easy in a car.
Turn in, no power on.

That's not gone as well as I'd hoped.

Here we go. A slide.

Come on, you're a racing truck.
This is what you should be good at.

Oh, my bonnet ...
I've driven over my own bonnet.

Left foot braking,
there's the answer.

That didn't work,
so I gave it more welly.

And that really didn't work. No, no!

Yeah, I'll do some of that.

It doesn't work.

Meanwhile, in the Renault...

Come on! Spin!

Ow!

Lorry driving, it turns out, is
quite a lot harder than I thought.

Have you done something to
your leg as well? Yeah, the
gear lever's gone up my arse.

After the gear lever had been
removed from Jeremy's bottom,
we moved on to the next challenge.

I've lost the suspension linkages.

On your leg? No, on the lorry.

You will now drive to
Milbrook's High Speed Bowl.

You see!
I told you there'd be a speed test.

But, first, you must hitch up
a trailer and get there via the
Alpine handling course.

That's hundreds of miles. No.

It's here, you idiot.
It's just over there.

This is where car makers test
the handling of their new models.

It's also where James Bond rolled
his Aston Martin in Casino Royale.

In a car, it is huge fun.

In a lorry ...

it probably isn't.

From the moment you arrive at
the Alpine course, you have
three minutes to get round.

You will also need to drive smoothly
because your trailer
is full of valuables.

Valuables? Valuables?

They weren't kidding.

Richard's trailer contained a car
that hadn't been fastened down.

Mine contained an enormous
wedding-cake.

And in Jeremy's , there was
some straw, which didn't seem

so bad but at the other end
there was an electric fire.

First though, we had to get the
trailers attached to our lorries.

Where's my truck?

There's no back window.
I don't see why this needs
to be all that difficult.

Which way is that now?
So I need to get that ...

Hammond, being familiar with
farmyard machinery, was confident
of a quick hitch up. Easy.

Us two, however ...

Well, where does that go?

Didn't think this would
be difficult and it's not.

It's done.
The space between the cab...

Yours is done?

Yeah. If a lorry driver can do that,
why isn't he a brain surgeon?

Scale. You know how he's finished...

Hi.

You're looking smug.

Eventually, some men came to
help James and I, which gave
me a chance to mend my window.

Why are you doing that?
Because I can't see where I'm going.

Didn't you think of that when you
put it on? No.

Finally, we were ready to go.

Away we go.

You know the, "I've done it,
I've finished" - you know that bit?

Maybe the pin's broken.

No.

It could just be a faulty
bracket that holds the... No.

OK, you're in there.

Eventually,
we were ready to go again.

Sorry about that.

Right, we're off.

Forgive me for saying this,
but how hard can it be?

Can somebody bring the forklift back?

So, third time lucky.

This is brilliant.

Oi! It was just over a mile from the
hitching point to the Alpine course,

but that was enough to give
us a taste of what it's like
to be a real lorry-driver.

For starters, there's
the sheer number of gears.

First, into first and a half. Second.

Two and a half. In a car, you can
go from 1000 rpm to seven or 8000.

In this, its 1200 to 1500.

And then you have to change gear.
300 revs.

Get in!

Get in!

And when you finally reach
18th gear, you get carved up
and you have to start all over again.

Now I've just been overtaken by
someone who has now slowed down.

Don't stop!

That's the car.
Why can't it just be...?

Somebody get a move on up there. If
I have to start from the beginning
of my gears again, I'll kill myself.

First, first and a half.

Just let the lorry go,
always let the lorry go.

Because this is a hard job and I'm
not just saying that to win favour
with lorry drivers, it's a hard job.

Change gear, change gear,
change gear, check your mirrors,

murder a prostitute, change
gear, change gear, murder.

Still, because I'd removed some of
my stealth paint,

I could at least
see where it was going. Sort of.

What's that noise?

Jez is making a right hash of that.
You clipped a car.

Whose car?

Don't know but they will notice.

We then took a wrong turn
and ended up on a road where
they test vehicle suspension.

That wasn't such a problem
for me in my sprung cab.

But as for Hammond...

I'm worried I may be
bounced out of the cab.

Eventually, we arrived at the
start of the Alpine course,

which also meant our
first encounter with a hill.

Jeremy, you've only got two feet.

Every time I come off the brake
in order to get on to the throttle,

which you have to do,
it rolls backwards.

About eight inches.

Try using the handbrake like you
would in, oh, I don't know, a car.

The twists and turns of the
Alpine course were waiting for us

Get in gear! Come on. No, no.

Yes!

It's a drag race between
me and Captain Slow. Come on, Magnum.

Oh God. Plainly, in the heat
of battle, James and Jeremy

about their delicate cargoes.

Clarkson's got the inside line.

It's getting a bit narrow here. No.

Oh Lord. Yes! I've got Slow.

After my poor start, I too had
little concern for my precious load.

It sounds like a charging
rhino running up and down
the trailer behind me.

Back at the front, Slow
was refusing to give in.

That's close.

I'm going to take him here.
I've got a plan.

I can't turn in that.

You weren't ready for that, Slow!

Down a bit of a hill. Carry some...

Woah, woah!

That was...
I didn't want to do what I just did.

I'm in the lead!

Unfortunately in all the excitement,
I forgot to change down for the steep
hill.

No!

No! It's dying on me. No! No! No!

You! It does understeer, this lorry.

Right, got to change ratios.

Next box, there you go.

Get a go in these things and
suddenly you start to feel just how
much power they have got to give.

Yeah! Snap gear changes.

Captain Clumsy had severed
my air lines and all the
brakes were jammed on.

I absolutely hope James May wakes
up in the morning and 10,000
insects are in his underpants.

HE LAUGHS

In exactly just over three minutes,
I was the first to finish.

HE LAUGHS
Now let's have a look at my cake.

Ah...

That's what he hit.

He is the clumsiest man
in the known world.

I'll just straighten it up a bit.

Hammond, meanwhile, was just
crossing the finishing line.

I'll be honest, I think
the headlamps, tail-lamps,
because I heard a clunk at that end,

and then a clunk at that end and
then a lot more clunks

and then it stopped and got smoother
and smoother.

Headlights are going to be
smashed to bits. I daren't look.

Yes, I know, it's bad, I'm sorry.

It's worse than that.

I was now on the move again
and flying.

Now come on, up the hill.

Is that bad for my points?

Yeah.

More to the point, where is it?

I don't know.

Then Jeremy arrived.

Fire!

You're on fire!

Have we got the next challenge,
lads? How can we be this rubbish?

This is totally...
So, anyway, how was your car?

Car's interesting. Stolen.

That's what it is, I've just
thought of it now, stolen.

The damnedest thing.
That is actually quite bad now.

It is, that's on fire.

Yeah.

APPLAUSE

OK, we're going to put that out
and pick it up later on,

but now...now we've got to move on.

My guest tonight is from Yorkshire.

CHEERING

So, ladies and gentlemen,
please welcome our Star In The
Reasonably Priced - my arse,

it cost a fortune, that thing! -
Car, Sir Michael Parkinson.

How are you?

CHEERING
A legend has come among us.

Have a seat.

Have a seat.
APPLAUSE CONTINUES

I'm a bit nervous about this one.
I bet you are(!) When was the last
time you were nervous?

Well, the Obi-Wan Kenobi of the
interview world is setting
being interviewed by young Luke.

It's easier being interviewed,
let me tell you.

I don't know about that. You've
obviously never interviewed yourself.

It's the funniest thing, when I said
you were from Yorkshire there - did
you hear? -

everyone was like, "Wah-hay!"

Well, not everyone, but you don't get
that with Nottinghamshire?
Nor Leicestershire.

Our guest tonight
is from Leicestershire.
SOMEONE BOOS

Are you still proud
of being a Yorkshireman?
I love being a Yorkshireman.

Why do you live in Maidenhead?

The same reason you live
down here - because the BBC
isn't up in Yorkshire.

If the BBC was in Doncaster,
I might never have moved.

I think I might.
LAUGHTER

It's that sort of
whole Yorkshire thing.

We could do it for hours, "Oh, my
dad were poorer than your dad."

It's a Monty Python sketch.
It is, absolutely.

"My dad, 14 years old,
left school, bronchitis, consumption,

"diphtheria, got a job as a butcher's
boy, worked 27 hour a day,

"and paid butcher for permission
to come to work," etc.

But your dad was the same,
from what I hear? He was a miner.

He loved being a Yorkshireman.

He was very proud of being
a Yorkshireman. And he said

I'd been doing
the talk show for about 10 years -

he said "You've had a good time,
eh, lad?"

I said, "I've had a wonderful time."
"Made a bob or two?"

I said, "I have." "And you've met
all them lovely birds and all that
stuff." I said, "I have."

He said, "Think on, though, good as
that might be, it's not like playing
for Yorkshire at cricket, is it?"

And of course, in his view, that
defined immortality, not fame.

Anybody who's appeared on
television is merely famous.

Those days, if you've played
for Yorkshire, wore the white rose,
you're immortal.

He walked, didn't he,
to go and see them?

No, his grandad...his father,
my grandad, walked to Leeds.

From Barnsley?
From Barnsley. Which is 30 miles.

It was, but he only left the village
once in his entire lifetime
to go to the seaside.

Now, my granny, when she died,

she'd never set foot outside
the borough of Doncaster.

By gum. I don't know. Never once.
My father was 66 or seven

before he went on an aeroplane.

And when I got a bit of money, we
decided we'd send him and my mother,

she'd never been away before,
on an aeroplane.

So we arrived at British Airways and
we were going to fly them off,
first class, look after him.

Right, when they came back two weeks
later I said, "What's the matter?"

She said, "Your father, it's silly.

"He just lets me down."

I said, "What's the story?
Calm down."

She said, "We got on the airplane,
as soon as we left, this nice

young man came along and said,
'Would you like a drink?' He said
'Yes, I'd like a pint of bitter.'"

First class? First class.

They said, "Sorry, we don't
serve bitter, Mr Parkinson, on
this airplane." "Don't serve bitter?

"What kind of plane is this?" The
man said, "But you don't understand.

"Champagne?"
"I can't afford champagne."

The man said, "No, you don't
understand, Mr Parkinson,
it's free." "Free?"

says my old man, "Bring it on."

My mother said, "Do you know,"
she said, "he got so drunk

"that after his meal he offered
to wash up."

Seriously?

That's wonderful.

Now I know and respect you,
more actually than a chat
show, as a journalist.

That's where you began, on the local
newspapers in Mexborough, wasn't it?

Actually, I was a district man.
I covered a nest of pit villages

in Royston and Cuddeth
and all round there.

Do you think that sets you up,
being a hack, for being the
chat show legend that you became?

Everything I've ever done
has been informed by that

training that I did, by the
apprenticeship that I served.

When I look back of my life,
writing my autobiography
as I have been doing, I've been

amazed that there is a common thread
through it, and that's journalism.

It's my love of journalism,
it's the fascination I had for
the job and still have for the job.

Now the chat show now, obviously
this week, there's all sorts of

issues around chat shows,
but let's put it this way.

There are fewer chat shows
on the television now than
there were last week. This is true.

Do you think, leaving that aside,
that it's kind of had its day now?

No, I don't think it's had its day.

I think that the people
who run television decided

that the conversational kind of chat
show which we're having now, which
my show is based on, that's gone.

I reckon they think
that's as dead as a dodo.

And the only way it's going to
survive in their mind is by doing
the show that Jonathan does or...

Did.
LAUGHTER

It's a show based on comedy, with a
guy who's happy to play a major part

in it, which is the antithesis,
really, of doing an interview.

If you do an interview,
you the interviewer, subjugate
yourself to allow that other person

in front of you
to actually blossom if possible.

Don't you think that these days,
let's say when you left to show,
finished recording, if the guests

hadn't been very interesting,
it was kind of their fault and their
problem. I never took that view.

I always thought if it was
a bad interview it was my fault.

Really? Without a doubt.
So Meg Ryan...?

Meg Ryan was my fault.
No, Meg Ryan wasn't an interview,
it was a car crash, for God's sake!

And of course when that happened
with her, and God knows why she was
in that kind of mood, I don't know,

but the fact of the matter is, the
drama of it, the discomfort of it,
is what they love to see.

They love to see the host
getting it in the neck like that.

It's kill the quarterback time. You?

Yeah. But you don't think
it was your fault?

It wasn't my fault, no,
but I was responsible for it

and I could have handled it
differently.

Really? I think so.

When I said to her,
"You've been a journalist,
what should I do now?"

She said, "Wrap it up." I didn't.

LAUGHTER

Because these days, people in
the public eye, you might

call them celebrities, they get
every aspect of their lives turned
over every day by Heat magazine and

the tabloid newspapers and so on
and they don't have much to give
and actually don't want to give.

The only way you'll get
people half the time to come

Which is, sorry to ask this,

but how did you deal with the you've
got to... Get rid of it up top.

Get rid of the plugging up top?
Get it in the intro.

I wondered when this might happen.
I'm trying to think of a... this.

What you do, you do an intro.

You do an intro? It's a bit
late now, I've done the intro.

Then wait for me to say,
"What is that you have there?"

I'll tell you what it is, Michael,
it's your CD. Thank you.

What's it called, Jeremy?
It's called My Life In Music.

And what's it about?
Well, I tell you what...
LAUGHTER

You see, this is literally
the master I'm learning from here.

It's the music that was
on the show and on my radio show

and it's some of the people,
all the people we had on the show.

And it's also people we discovered -
Michael Buble and people like that.

It reflects my love of music,
the other thing

you would know about Yorkshire
is the tradition of music there.

There isn't one brass band on here.
There's a big band.

Can we just move it on
to cars, if you don't mind?

Was that OK? Very smooth segue.

I see you as a Jag man.

I've had a Jag or two.

I've got a Merc at present.
Which one? S500.

That's worth about a tenner.
LAUGHTER

Why did you switch to the Merc?
I felt like it. They've got
more room in the back, too.

I've got a driver now. Oh, driver.

What would your dad say?
I don't like driving.

Do you not? No, it's boring,
For Christ's sake, it's awful.

It's really, really boring.

This is a man who likes cricket.

I like being driven to cricket.

Now, look, your lap,
you're here obviously to drive
a reasonably priced car.

Now then, how did we do?
Well, you're 73 years old now.

Most people at your age are
watching Strictly Come Dancing.

LAUGHTER

Shall we have a look at the lap?
Play the tape.

Start scared and end up wanting
to be like the Stig, stay down here.

You're mumbling, that a man at
peace with himself, when he mumbles.

A tidy line through there,
got to be honest. Very tidy.

Can't see anything wrong with that.
Look at that. That's not bad at all.

A big, curly bend.

Curly bend?
This is the world-famous Hammerhead.

And you are doing it...

Well, about as perfectly
as I've ever... There you are.

Here we go, flat through here.

Oh, yeah. And across the skiddy bit.
I love these two bits.

Whee! Close to the tyres,
he moved the tyres!

Look at that, you've got the second
to last corner worked out nicely.

We're in 16 by 9 as we go
across the line. And there we are.

CHEERING

More fun than Meg Ryan?
Much more, most fun I've ever
had on television. Really?

Yeah. So here we are, here are the
people, all of whom you will have
met, I'm sure and interviewed. Yes.

Where do you think
you might have come?

Well, I think bottom half, I think
between Ray Winstone and Alan Carr.
No.

No? Higher? Oh, yeah.

Did I beat Billie Piper?

Did you beat Billie Piper?
And James Blunt?

No, I'll tell you what you did.

A...

1:49:4

and that means you are

there.

Quicker than Ronnie Wood.
I've beaten your great hero,
Michael Gambon.

You never interviewed him, did you?

He wouldn't do it. He did it
for you. We've had him twice.

I know you have. Mind you,
I tell you what, in the absence of

a chat show on BBC One
for the forthcoming few weeks,

you should see our guest list
for the rest of the year!

Michael, it's been an absolute joy.

I'm nervous as hell all the way
through but you've been a superstar.

Ladies and gentlemen,
Sir Michael Parkinson.

CHEERING

Now, earlier, the three of us
had used

our extensive knowledge of lorrying
to buy HGVs and it wasn't going well.

especially for Jeremy,
who'd ended up with a gear lever in
his bottom and his truck on fire.

Still, we rejoin the action
after we'd addressed those issues.

My lorry was in a pretty poor state.

Despite this, the producers threw us
straight into the next challenge.

"Since you've now had
some practice at lorrying,

and you are coming on well..."

I think we are. I'm not.

"We shall now see
whose lorry is the fastest.

"To do this, you will have
to take the limiters off."

I was going to say, they're
all limited to 56, aren't they?

Half an hour later,
the limiters had been deactivated.

I'm going to drive this ruined,
ancient, burned lorry around here

faster than Her Majesty's
government deem to be safe.

The venue for this hairbrain test
was the fearsome two-mile bowl.

But Hammond, in his Caterer
was relishing the challenge.

This is my sports trucks territory!

However, my lightened convertible
Magnum wasn't hanging around either.

My 12-litre Magnum
has splashed the 9-litre Scalia
and splashed it enormously!

I'm doing 60. Eat my Magnum!

Yeah!

Things were less exciting
in James's world.

59 1/2 miles an hour.

'I was staggered by
the speed of my Magnum!'

I'm going 70 miles an hour
in a lorry!

But then, Hammond found another gear.

Ha!

I'm on the way to 75 now.

So my lorry is, what's the word?

It's faster, your GTI lorry is quick.

We continue to pound round until
eventually we hit our top speeds.

80 miles an hour!

64.6.

Hammond, though, was touching 90.

Yeah, thank you!

But then we received instructions
that we had to stop.

Oh, cock! The cameramen
retreated to a safe distance.

Brake too gently you won't pull up,
brake too hard, you'll lock up

the trailer's rear wheels,
you'll jack-knife and roll.

Well, I'd rather not
do either of those.

In fact, James discovered
there is a terrifying
third way of stopping a big lorry.

Was it really that frightening?

Yes. We've got another challenge.

I'm not interested. No, you will be.

It says, "You now have
to do a hill start.

"This is a test of driving
precision."

It is, James, you've got to balance
your handbrake, you clutch, your
throttle. You love all that stuff.

Yeah, precision.

And it says "The winner will
receive a year's supply of
gentlemen's literature."

FLUSHING

We're back. We're back as a team.

The literature in question
was all very exciting,
but the hill start was even better.

Our trucks would be placed on a
slope and then, to focus our minds,

items close to our hearts
would be placed behind them.

In Jeremy's case,
we went for his beloved drum-kit.

Are you scared? On the drums,
Jeremy Clarkson's lorry.

Very much on the drums.

I'm very fond of my drum-kit.
Drum roll...

Backwards down the hill!

Shut up.

Mirror. I think he's
taking it very seriously.

Come on. Get on with it, Clarkson!

'The fate of my drum-kit rested
on me being strong enough to
engage the Renault's crawler gear.'

This is it. The moment.

Aw... Aw...

The one thing the Renault Magnum
can do is a hill-start.

Now, we're not petty, but...

He just clipped it on the way back.

Mate, so close.
I know, you must have...

It never moved an inch.

You've smashed my drum-kit up.

You've smashed my drum-kit up!

'Never mind, Hammond was next and
I would strike down upon him with
great vengeance and furious anger.'

I think he's going to
be quite cross with us.

Have you seen what he's
done to the number plate?

Oh, for God's sake.
Personal plates. He is such a pikey.

No! Well, it was your dog or that.

Evil BLEEP!

My lorry didn't have a crawler gear.

Ooh! Ah...!

Do you want to use it as a chock?

No! I can't do it!

Do you want to give in?

Yes. OK, he's giving in.

May, it's your turn.

Thanks to James's extended lavatory
break, it was now getting dark.

But there was no
way we were going to stop.

We've been round to James's house and
we've relieved him of his prized
grand piano. Are you joking?

No. Sadly though, even before the
test began, there was an issue.

Don't film that. Just don't film.
Let's film something over here.

What's more, our repair
job wasn't brilliant.

When he finds that his precious
piano is propped up by a mountain of
pornography, he is going to go ape.

OK, May, let it rock.

He'll be very good at this.
He likes this sort of thing.
See look, feeling the power.

Jeremy...

Run. Yes, run away.

Keep the porn! You can have that.

'We hoped that would be that,
but no.'

The producers said we had to meet up
at the Top Gear test track the next
day for one final challenge.

It says, "This is a test of speed,
braking and toughness all and one.

"You must accelerate to 56 miles an
hour, drive through an obstacle and
then stop as quickly as possible.

"Whoever does that in the
shortest distance will win
a year's supply of pies."

What do they mean by obstacle?

Doesn't say.

What sort of pies?

We really did have no idea
what sort of obstacles
we'd be driving through.

But we could see the windscreens
were being heavily fortified

with mesh,
so it probably wouldn't be balloons.

And so, with a sense of trepidation,
I lined up on the start line
and set off.

30, 35, come on.

I bet Hammond's pissing himself,
but think of his book's sales.
They're massive.

Come on, build, build, build.
He hasn't got long to write it.

Here we go. This might hurt.

My truck had taken a wallop,
but the distance covered
was extremely short.

This annoyed my colleagues.

I don't think that's fair. What?

Well, he had a huge structure
that will have slowed him down,

so therefore his stopping
difference will have been less.

So if my obstacle is very solid,
I'll just stop. And you'll win.
You'll be killed, but you'll win.

It hardly slowed me.
Rubbish! No, I needed...

Rubbish, you were barely moving
coming out of the other side of that.

Hoping for a more solid impact
than Hammond's, I began to roll.

Oh, my Lord. I'm glad I'm not
in his lorry now.

Here it comes.

Bracing, bracing.

After the crash,
my friends were deeply concerned.

He's woken up stuck in a
lorry cab with five firemen.

Sadly, my lorry had travelled 40
yards further than the airfield,

even though I'd taken out
600 office water coolers.

If you were going to have a meeting
in an office somewhere, I'm sorry,
I've just spoiled it for you.

Here we go.

So now, only the mighty
Magnum could beat Hammond.

This isn't fair.

That'll slow him much
better than my stupid building.

Have we had lunch?

Hard down...

Here we go!

Ah!

Ah!

Ah!

'The impact was a bit nasty,
but before seeking medical attention,
there was some arguing to be done.'

You may have beaten me there, and
if you did that's just because you
had a better obstacle than I had.

Rubbish! You had a brick wall, I had
wooden walls. Measure it. Let's
measure it.

I tell you, I promise you...

Ow, this actually really hurts.

See, how many lorries are trashed
on that Strictly Come Dancing
thing? None.

Now, we should explain, the impact
that I had there was pretty severe.

My ankle burst where the
clutch pedal went through it,
my head was dislodged from my spine.

And really, we've ended
up with a Top Gear top tip.

If you are a lorryist and you're
going to have an accident

and there's a choice of something
to hit, avoid anything with bricks
in it.

Always swerve and go for the
big pile of mineral water.
Yes, that's a safer bet.

Anyway, we have done a scoreboard.

It's hopeless to be honest
and massively complicated,

but the upshot of it is this...

I got 60 points.

Hammond, you got minus 25.

And Jeremy, you got...

A gear lever in his bottom. A gear
lever in his bottom and minus 3,560.

Why did I get that? You just did.

Whatever. We have proved...

we have proved

that the Scania P94D
is the best truck in Britain today.

And next week we have more lorries
on, in fact, because we've been to
America to test some muscle cars.

So we'll see you then,
unless of course

you're all watching the sequinned
has-beens on the other side.

Take care, good night.

Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd