Top Gear (2002–…): Season 11, Episode 6 - Episode #11.6 - full transcript

James road tests cars from Japanese car maker, Mitsuoka. Richard tests the ugliest but fastest supercar, the Gumpert Apollo. The boys went head-to-head with the hosts of the German version of Top Gear.


Tonight -
Richard spins off the track. Twice!

Agh!

Jay Kay tries to get to number one.

And Germany or Britain -
which is best?

Thank you, hello.

Hello and welcome.

Thanks very much.

Now...

now, after our...

our recent trip to Japan,
where I raced the Bullet Train,

I stayed on for an extra day
to drive the Nissan GT-R
around the track.

James, on the other hand, decided
to stay on for a little while

as he wanted to drive a car that
he claimed would be more relevant
to the average British motorist

than a jumped up £50,000 Datsun.

Now, I'm fairly confident you
won't have seen one of these before.

Are you ready?

It's called the Orochi.

It's looks are based on a fish,
a snake and Pamela Anderson's mouth.

I rather like it.

It costs £44,000. It's made
by a company called Mitsuoka.

You've probably never heard of them
either, but they are a proper
Japanese car maker.

In fact, they're the tenth biggest
car maker in the country,

after Toyota, Nissan, Honda
and six others.

Mitsuoka makes the chassis, the body
and the interior all by itself,

but the engine,
a 3.3 litre V6, comes from Toyota.

So, it looks like a sports car,
but is it any good as one?

Well, it isn't very fast, it
doesn't make much noise and the
ride is surprisingly comfortable.

By which I mean the ride is
rather excellent for a supercar,

so, obviously,
I think it suits me rather well.

Although, Hammond and Clarkson might
like to continue to shop around.

But Mitsuoka makes another car,
which, on paper,
is even more up my street.

Here it is,
and it's called the Galue.

That foremost social commentator,
Alan Partridge,

once said that the Lexus
is Japan's Mercedes Benz.

In which case, the Mitsuoka Galue
could be - but this is only a hunch -

Japan's Rolls Royce.

But at a nice,
un-Rolls-Royce-ish price,
because it cost an agreeable £32,000.

But looking like a Rolls-Royce
is one thing - feeling like a
Rolls-Royce is completely different.

So, to find out whether it does or
not, the producers have arranged for
me to do a spot of VIP chauffeuring.

Not him.

Them.

Yes, the local sumo wrestler and his
manager need taking to a tournament.

Konichiwa.

That's exhausted my Japanese.

Right, back to the Japanese
Rolls-Royce.

Inside the Galue, Mitsuoka has
recreated the ambience of a proper,
old school, British luxury car.

There's some wood. Ish.
Plush leather seats.

But look at this - this clock
is exactly, roughly like the one
on the new Rolls-Royce Phantom.

It's like one of those fake expensive
watches you get in Thailand.

Only a real expert
can tell the difference.

I am a Rolls-Royce expert,
and I was completely taken in.

Actually, I didn't mean that.
What I meant to say was,
it's an utterly shameless rip-off,

and I can't believe
they're getting away with it.

So, what about the
performance from the 3.5 litre V6?

Is that the genuine article?

A Rolls-Royce must be able to
whoosh away from a stand still.

It can go quite quickly,
but it must never feel urgent,
it must swell very gently,

it must be an orchestral performance.

Which that isn't. Sorry.

Next, handling.

A Rolls-Royce should never allow
its driver to corner too vigorously
because that would be bad form.

It must encourage you
to rein things back.

Clearly, it's not quite right in
that respect. Very sorry. Very sorry.

I cracked on with the job
of delivering my VIPs.

Happy?

Very close to the destination.

THEY SPEAK IN JAPANESE

What? Is that it?

Oh.

MAN ON PA SPEAKS IN JAPANESE

I think they were completely fooled.

As some of you may have found out
last week, I have got an old Rolls,

and let me tell you, the Galue
isn't even on the same planet.

But you know what,
this car does make me smile.

It's not taking itself too seriously.

It's just a bit of fun. It's a bit
like one of those tribute bands.

Bjorn Again,
Let's Zep, the Strolling Bones.

Like those bands,
it knows it's not the real thing,

but, more importantly, it knows
you know it's not the real thing.

evening you're still just as drunk,

and you've still had a great time,
but it only cost you a fiver.

Is that car going to be sold
in the UK?

No. Good. Richard?

Yes. KTM are an Austrian bike
manufacturer, and they make things
like this, the Duke, and it's great.

But now they've decided to have
a go at a car, and here it is.

It's called the Crossbow.

The body's made of plastic panels,
just like it is on the bike.

You can see the innards,
like you can on the bike.

And you have to wear a
crash helmet to drive it,
like you do on the bike.

It really is a stripped
out track car.

All you get is a seat,
a steering wheel

and a two-litre turbo-charged Audi
engine that's enough to take it to
60 miles an hour in four seconds.

Apparently, KTM say it is
quite a handful,

and as a result they won't sell it
to drivers under 24 years old.

Just one thing - Lewis Hamilton.

He's 23!

The thing about that is it costs
£43,000, which seems like a lot for
a motorcycle with two extra wheels.

No, it isn't. Well, it is.
You could drive that thing
through - what's it's called?

Oxbow? - you could drive that through
a light shower and you could
come out on the other side

without your internal organs being
transplanted into someone else.

You don't get bikes. You two live
in fear that you'll go through the
pearly gates with your leathers on,

knowing full well that
I'm back on Earth, as a car driver,

with your liver.

And don't think I'm going to do
anything useful with it because I'm
just going to make it into a hat.

I actually carry a card that says,

"I do not wish to help Jeremy
Clarkson be amusing in
the event of my death."

Fair enough. Every year, the
Scouts make a series of awards,
which are relevant to them.

I've got the list here. They've
just announced this year's winners.

Previous winners have included
Charlie Boorman and Ewan MacGregor.
They won best navigation award.

Jamie Oliver
won the healthy eating award.

Yeah. Now, Ray Mears has not won
the award for services of wearing
shorts when you're a grown man.

However, their award, this year,
for services to instruction

has gone...to the Stig.

However, there's a problem,
a really big problem. They came
down earlier to give him his badge,

and he attacked them.

We've got some footage
of it here, seriously.

Look.

He's trying to stamp on
his badge, he hates it.

And they took him down. They actually
took the Stig down, two Scouts.

It's awkward, that. It turns
out he's terrified of Scouts.

Now, bad news - this week, James
popped to see me at my local pub,

parked his motorcycle, outside,
not illegally...

No, very considerately. That's
right, it was illegally parked,
but not inconsiderate. Exactly.

Fined £120. 120 quid.

Now, here's the thing, all right -
both of us, in the not too distant
past, have had televisions stolen.

So how come they've got the
man power to find your slightly
illegally parked motorcycle

when they say that can't find
our televisions?

I don't understand it.
I rang up the woman on the parking
ticket hotline enquiry hotline

and I said to her, "Have you
found my television?" She had no
idea what I was talking about.

I think that if you've had
something stolen in your life...

How many people here have had
something stolen? The lawnmower...

Nearly everybody.

..it should be illegal
for the police to do you
for a trivial motoring offence

until they've returned whatever
it is you've had stolen! Yes!

Does anybody here think...?

APPLAUSE

Seriously...

if you're watching this, Mr Brown,
that's 100% of British people
agree with me.

Now, hey, TVR... You know it was
bought by a Russian
business boy, a few years ago?

Actually it was bought by his father
as a sort of play set for him,

and he crashed it into a hillside
and now TVR's gone. Very sad.

However, turns out he still owns
the intellectual property rights,

and he still owns the moulds, and he
says he's going to bring TVR back.

We've actually got a picture
of him, testing these
new models with his friends.

He said he was going to announce
which model would come back first,

but then his mum said he
had to come inside for his tea.

Hey. Great news. What?

I've been sent more
information on the Dacia Sandero.

Excellent!

Excellent. Now,
you know the new Citroen Berlingo?

This is a car we like very much.

It costs less than £11,000, and for
that you get a big, spacious car,

with the best ride of any car
under a Rolls-Royce.

I've been thinking, how do they do a
car like that for less than 11 grand?

So I went on the internet
and I found this.

Yep.

Afterwards, OK, I found this -
it's the Citroen website.

You know how they list what
a car comes with as standard?

You can tell when a car firm
is desperate when they've got
"laminated front wind screen".

Wow! As opposed to what? A sheet
of glass nicked from a greenhouse?

It gets better. It's got a
"single front passenger seat".

Huh? And "manually adjustable
door mirrors".

As opposed to what? The only
alternative is electrical, isn't it?

That's just saying it's something it
hasn't got. It hasn't got electrical
door mirrors, no alloy wheels...

It's a very good car, so long
as you want something that's
equipped like a Romanian jail.

I've got a question. What?
What if this turns out to be
really good? Well, it won't.

No, but what if it does?
Well, it won't, will it?

It's the new Chevy Camaro.
And they're really thought about it.
It looks brilliant.

It's got a 6.2 litre V8,
and they've given it
independent suspension all round.

Wooooow!

Independent?! So they've looked at
a car and thought, "It's got
four separate wheels.

"What if we treated them all
sort of separate?" Like they've
been doing in Europe for 100 years?

I still think what if that turns
out to be good?! We don't know yet!

Richard, the Americans are
good at herding bison. The end.

I still maintain it might turn
out to be good, then we'll all
want one. What is this underneath?

It's a Vauxhall VXR,

so what the Americans have done
is they've gone, "We need
some sophistication here -

"we'll call the Australians."

That is like saying, "I want
some style for my wedding,
I'll get seven crates of lager."

You're the sort of person I could
show you a picture of Paris Hilton

and you'd say, "What if she
turns out to be intelligent?"

But what if she did?!
What if she did?!

That's enough news.

Now, Mazda.

Over the years, they've built up
a fearsome reputation for making
very sensible small cars

and the worst television
commercials in all of human history.

This, however,
is their latest creation.

Plainly, they wanted to give
it a name which conjured up
an image of aggression and anger,

but the job of naming it was given
to somebody from Birmingham,

so it's ended up being called
the Furai.

The chassis is from an American Le
Mans racer, which is the same as a
European Le Mans racer, only fatter.

Body - that was clearly designed
by someone with a Batman fixation.

I think it looks brilliant - although
if you take it to a film premiere,

it'll probably take a swing
at its sister.

Allegedly, of course.

The engine, Wankel,
1.9 litre, 460 brake horsepower,

2.6 miles to the gallon.

And, annoyingly, broken.
Which means we can't put
it round our test track.

Instead, I'm going to answer
a question that a viewer has asked.
I have their letter here.

It says, "Dear so called Top Gear,

" I'm aware that there are many
elegant and dramatic supercars
that I could buy..."

Things like these. "..but as I'm the
victim of a botched eye operation,

"what I want is a supercar
that is catastrophically ugly.

"Can you help?" Yes, I think I can.

This could be the
answer to your problems.

It's a new supercar from Germany -
and, well, it's not exactly a looker.

Let me put it this way.

When Jeremy did the Alfa 8C...

..the camera crew found there
wasn't a single angle that didn't
make the car look brilliant.

This is the exact opposite.

No. No.

Really, no.

And then there's the problem
of the name.

Does it have one of those sexy ones,
like all the sexiest cars have -
Vanquish, Viper, Raptor?

No. It's called a Gumpert.

So, it's got looks
only a mother could love and a
name like a Northern comedian.

And for the privilege of driving it,
you'll need £250,000.

This does beg the question,
what do you get for your money?

Certainly, you're not buying a
wondrous Zonda-esque interior.

It's just a random collection of
bits from Audi.

Well, yes, but don't go looking
for night-vision or a bathroom.

And this, the rear-view camera,
doesn't count.

That's a necessity.
There's no back window.

Options on the Gumpert are things
like this - the traction control.

Now, lots of cars have traction
control, but the Gumpert's
is really quite anorakey.

It's not a button, it's a knob.
You can adjust it so you can be
precise. So, Hammerhead coming up.

I know this corner.

17%, I think.

Yeah, that...

But worry not.

If that doesn't work out,
there are whole load of
other things you can adjust.

You can change the camber,
the ride height, the spring tension,

the damper, bump and rebound
and the anti-roll bar.

Oh, yeah!

There you are, Monte Carlo, Claudia
Schiffer, in your supercar -
"Please can we go to the party now?"

"No, hold on. A lot of corners. I'm
gonna dial in some extra camber."

With the camber adjusted,
I went for...

Oh, bugger.

I think some of those settings are
not an option. Just leave them alone!

I've had this experience with
one of my bikes. All you ever do is
make things worse.

There is one option this car doesn't
have, and it's one I quite like.

The option to move your seat
backwards and forwards.

That's because the Gumpert people
got fed up with drivers
moving their seats around

and messing up their perfect
weight distribution.

So, minging looks, seats you
can't move and gizmos only Lewis
Hamilton can make sense of.

I think you're getting the picture by
now that this is no Riviera cruiser.

Their fastest version, the Apollo
Race, has 800 brake horsepower, but
if you've passed your driving test,

they do do what they call
an entry-level version, 650 brake
horsepower. This is the mid-range.

I suppose they'd call it the
Popular Plus - 700 brake horsepower.

And this is where
it all starts to come good

because whichever Gumpert you choose,
it's going to be fast.

Ye gods!

This is just something else!

The engine is Audi's 4.2 litre V8,
but with added twin turbos,

all wrapped up in
featherweight carbon fibre.

0-60 - three seconds.

Top speed - 224mph.

So, let's see how much of that
we can get on our modest runway.

That's 200 kilometres per hour.
That's 120 mph.

That's 280 kilometres an hour,
which is very fast.

300 kilometres an hour.

I'm gonna start breaking, I think.

That's 186 miles an hour

in 1.7 miles.

And when you get to a corner, just
as long as you've not been fiddling
with anything, it is brilliant.

The grip!

My eyes are a foot
that side of my head!

Suddenly you realise why this thing
looks like a boil on the buttock
of a baboon.

It's got downforce, that's what all
those holes, fins and grills are for.

If you want a supercar you can park
with pride in Monte Carlo's Casino
Square, this probably isn't for you.

There are many other cars that
will do that job much better.

But the Gumpert guys in their
little German factory have
gone down another path.

Hardcore Street.

I do believe that on this track
old Quasimodo here could destroy
every supercar alive.

Are you really suggesting this is
gonna be quicker round the track
that lots of the really fast cars?

It is unbelievably quick, but I tell
you the amazing thing about this car.

You know I said it generates
downforce to stick it to the road?

Well, Gumpert say it generates so
much that it could drive upside down
and still stick to the roof...

Don't fall for that old chestnut!
Every Formula One team says you
could drive our cars upside down.

The only reason they say that is
because we can't prove them wrong.

Yeah, but Gumpert
are going to prove it.

They've built an engine
that will work upside down.

And the tunnel? And they found
a tunnel they can do it in.

So how fast do you have to
drive to generate enough
downforce or upforce to stick it?

190 miles an hour. So they're gonna
get someone to drive at 190mph
down the roof of a tunnel,

swerving between all the signposts,
fans and lights!

That's the thing, they found
the tunnel to do it in,

but they've not yet found anyone
stupid enough to drive it.

Well, this is the last show.

No, I can't.

I can't. I'm busy.

I'm painting...my horse.

I can't do it.
Anyway, we must now find out
how fast it goes round our track,

which means we must put it in the
hands of our tame racing driver.

Some say it's impossible
for him to wear socks.

And he can open a beer bottle
with his testes.

All we know is he's called the Stig.

And he's off, not a scorching start.

Stig just carefully metering out
the power, of which there is a lot.

First corner now, hopefully
he will be going faster
to get that downforce working.

That is neat,
I've got high hopes for this.

MUSIC: "Daniel" by Elton John

Yeah, Stig is apparently
still touched by Elton John.

That is fantastically
controlled through Chicago.

Hammerhead now, slower corner.

Could be in trouble if the fancy
aerodynamics can't do their stuff.

It's so undramatic and I expect
that could be this car's secret.

The follow-through - really pin
it open now, will he have to lift?

Not likely!

You can almost see it being pressed
into the tarmac, it's so flat through
the corners like a racing car.

Finally biting back,
and across the line.

Hang on, hang on. Wait!

If you're right, it's gonna be up
with the Zonda, the Ascari...

Yep, Ascari did it in 1.17.3.

The Gumbert did it in it 1.17.1!

It is the fastest!

Fastest ever around our track.

That really is incredible because
that is the first car Hammond has
driven round our circuit this year.

And it's gone to the top of the
leaderboard...which he can't reach.

I can, I can! I just need a run up.

This is going to be undignified.

It's not worked.

It's on!

OK, that's one...

that's one lap record smashed,
quite literally.

Now, let's see if we can't
deal with another one.

This is a list of the stars who've
driven our reasonably priced car

and Simon Cowell has now been at
the top for the last two series,
which we think is long enough.

So what we've done is we went back
and looked at all the people who
drove our old reasonably priced car,

found the biggest petrol head
and invited him back.

Ladies and gentlemen,
please welcome Jay Kay!

How are you? Have a seat.

Thank you.

Wa-hay!

Wa-hay!

You have been nagging to be here.
Honestly, there hasn't
been a week go by...

How long is it since you were here?

I was here on the first series,
I think I was the second guy.

You were the second guest ever.
There hasn't been a week
really gone by since then

when you haven't been on the
phone going can I come back?

I have to say I felt left out,
lonely, sat in my kitchen
watching it thinking,

"When will I come back?

"When will I beat the man
with the codpiece?" Oh, Simon?

Codpiece Cowell!

I've just remembered something, what
was it you said to the researcher?

When we rang up and
said can you come back...
I said I'm down here for war.

He did! I'm down here for war!

I'm not here to muck about, not here
to be 13th, not here to beat James
Blunt, I'm here to be on the top.

So first or nothing else will do?

I'm not here to beat James
Blunt's album sales either.

How many have you sold in total?
25 million or something.

25 million and you can't read music.
Thank you, everybody.

Thank you.
APPLAUSE

That is a lot of albums.

I won't bother going through
the list of everything you've got

because the programme
is only an hour long.

But how many cars
have you got these days?

There are 37 vehicles,
that's including motorbikes,

and staff cars.

Staff cars!

They don't have little flags
and swastikas on!

Or two wheels at the front
and a half track at the back.

Since you were last here,
what have been the main changes?

The main stuff is that I've got into
Porsches, for some unknown reason.

About three or four years ago,
I bought an RS Touring, which is
the factory sunroof, rear-seat 911,

Carrera down the side,
wide arches, 2.7 engine.

Then I got a 911 3T GRS, the reason
being because I thought this car
is gonna be a future classic...

Present at 997? A 997 GT 3RS, yeah.

I've then subsequently gone and
got myself a 911 RS light weight.

I still genuinely don't get
the appeal of 911s. Right.

Have you driven a modern-day Turbo?

Not for a while.

Or even a GT3 RS.

I drive that and think,
"Actually, this is a nice car,"

then I got into a GT2 the other day,
the new GT2. The Turbo, yeah.

It's absolutely, hideously horrid.

What don't you like about it? It does
everything you expect a 911 to do.

Do you know what I mean by
that front end bounce
and that understeer?

If you do anything about the
understeer, they switch immediately
to death-dealing oversteer.

Could it be you're not
driving it properly?

I turned the steering wheel!

That light weight you've got...
Air-cooled. Yeah, the air-cooled one
is one day going to kill you.

It's sitting in your garage now
plotting how it's going to do it.
Has anyone here got a 911?

See, they've all been killed.

They were on their way and they're
all now in a tree like that.

I just don't get them. Brilliant.

There are a number
of other things. Yeah.

He's got a Mercedes Grosser.

Mine was owned by Coco Chanel. It
was actually owned by Coco Chanel?

Mine was owned by the
Egyptian ambassador.

When I get in it,
I just cover myself in No.5.

And you've got a CSL BMW now.
Tell us about the GQ awards.

Yes, another thing we've got in
common, we've both won awards...

You got Worst Dressed Man,
I got Style Man of the Year.

Mind you...

Look, dear, I like them.

Get off! Show the people at the back.
There's nothing wrong with them!

Style of the year?
LAUGHTER

They're nice! It's not nice.

It's hideous. Just because
Alpinestars don't make you shoes.

No, cos I go to a shoe shop and say,
"Have you got a pair of shoes?"

"Have you got a pair
of shoes for a hippo?"

We have talked about cars enough.
It's great talking to you. We do
genuinely share the same passions.

We do like the same motors.

We do have the same sort of cars.
Yeah. Right, the lap.

Yeah. When you came the last time,
it was old Stig. What is new
Stig like now he's regenerated?

I have been out with the new Stig.
He's in the master class, isn't he?

I've just been out in that C63.
He is an extremely good driver.

He is quicker than Lewis Hamilton,
Nigel Mansell and Mark Webber.

The funny thing is,
when you're talking to him....
We'd just had dinner, chatting away,

I asked what he was going to have.
"You gonna have ribs and coleslaw?"

You suddenly find you are talking
to this guy with this screen.

What happens, he lifts it up for
a bit of air, you start doing that,

then he goes...and shuts it again.
He is filtering out the carbon
dioxide. He runs on pure nitrogen.

Anyway, he coached you? He did.

You had your nine laps. Obviously,
there's no point saying this week,
where do you think you've come?

You want to be here, don't you?

What can I say, but yes, yes, yes!

More than the next Grammy? Yes!

I mean, do you know,
people stop me in the street and go,
"When are you back on Top Gear?

"When are you going to beat
Simon Cowell." They don't give
a BLEEP about the music!

Get on with it then! No, no.
Simon Cowell is... Agh!

That is what Simon Cowell
is doing at home now! No!

Who wants to see his lap?
AUDIENCE: Yes! OK.

SCREECHING

Nice start. This is the one,
I must beat Mr Codpiece.

Let's have a look at that corner.
Scrubbing!

Agh!

Why are we angry?
Because it is a gutless piece
of American BLEEP and I hate it!

Let's start shaping tiny
bits of Gordon Ramsay parmesan
cheese off this BLEEP.

Gordon Ramsay...
Go on, turn in, you pillock!

Come on, come on, come on,
come on, come on!
I'd have done that tighter.

Come on! You really are a gutless
bit of Yankee BLEEP! Honestly.

You're cutting that corner, we allow
that because it's slippery there.

Agh!

There is a man determined.
Go on, get in there!

That is about as good
as I've ever seen
anyone do the second to last turn.

Get in there! Come on!

Oh, no!

I can't take it!

Do you know,
I was sitting there yesterday,
I thought, "Top Gear tomorrow."

I'm watching The Right Stuff, which I
really enjoy, "Sod it, get to bed and
make sure you are fresh as a daisy."

You had an early night?
I had an early night, yeah.

So you'd be capable of doing this?
So I would be capable of doing this.

What I've got here is a bit of paper
given to me by the producer
with all your nine laps.

It isn't important, this, is it?

There's more important
things going on in the world!
This is not important. Right.

You fastest lap of the nine.
Christ, what is it there?

What was he? 145.9. 145.9.

Come on, surely?
Your fastest lap.

One...

I hate this. I watch other people...
I'm not supposed to be doing this.

forty... Oh!

six point two...

Agh!

BLEEP!

was your second...
was your second fastest lap.

EXCITED ROARS
BLEEP!

You BLEEP!

BLEEP!

Look, all I want to do...
146.2 was your second fastest.

Please let me...
You did another 146.2.

148.2. 149?!

That was when I got the wrong gear.

147, 148. Then on lap eight...

That'll be your quickest.
You have 145.9 to beat.

One...

forty...

five...

point...

..eight.

WILD APPLAUSE

Come on! Come on!

Come on!

Well, done, mate.

Ladies and gentlemen,
Jay Kay. The new number one.

Thank you.

It was a 145.81.

You can take that home and frame it.

Who's the daddy now?!
Not Simon Cowell.

So we are back in the autumn
and the first guest, I am
guessing will be...Simon Cowell.

Brilliant. Ladies and gentlemen,
the new number one, Jay Kay!

Thank you very much.
CHEERING

Now, there's a new
TV show in Germany.

It's all about cars,
it is hosted by three people.

I can't imagine where they
got that idea from, no idea.

They got in touch with us and
invited us to take them on in
a series of races and challenges.

Obviously, we needed
somewhere to stage this.

I suggested in the skies
over southern England.

In fact, we settled on Belgium,
a country invented so that Britain

and Germany would have somewhere
to sort out their differences.

On that point the producers told us,
"You are representing the BBC,

"you can't just turn up
and go on about the war."

The meet was set for 9:00am
for Belgium's second
best-known race track, Zolder.

And at precisely 9.00am,
our Germans arrived
in their impressive German cars.

In fact, we were not late,
we were simply arriving in style.

Come on, Biggles!

We are on our own, we're...

playing for time and
it is running out!

I think we might have overdone this.

It could be worse,
we could have come in the back of
Bobby Charlton!

Jeremy. Hi. Good to see you.
How are you?

Our small talk was friendly, but,
to be honest, we were a bit nervous.

Sure, they had
a jolly man in a suit.

He is called Carston von Ryssen,
he has no racing experience at all,

but then they also have
Tim Schrick, the touring driver

and Sabine Schmitz,
the Nuerburgring specialist.

They were up against us lot.

The first challenge was
dreamed up by the Germans.

It is called double decker
racing and the idea is simple.

The car on the bottom has
a throttle, brakes and gears
but no steering wheel.

because that is fitted
to the car on top.

Because there are only three
presenters on each side and
you need eight people to operate

the four cars, each team is allowed
to get someone from their film crew
to help out.

That is a problem for the Germans,
because, whilst they have

a sound recordist, a cameraman
and a director, he is the same man.

So their coverage of this race
is going to look like this...

But it is not that brilliant for
us, because, although we have
a very large film crew, there was

only one volunteer to sit above me
and, if I am honest, it is not
the one I would have picked.

Still, he is very brave.

He once fought a shark.

He lost, but anyway!

We do six laps
and have six white stripes.

If you finish the first
one you take one off.

James, will you promise to use
the throttle and not just the brake?

It's a bit odd
not having a steering wheel.

These Metros have quite
good steering, so this is
a good way round to do it.

It doesn't make
a difference, you idiot.

The steering is done by the Metro.
You're steering the Jag.

The good thing is that
they have Golfs on the roof.

Now, Golfs are heavy.

Metros are made out of snake skin.

Right.

Here we go.

Yes!

Hang on, Jeremy.

We have got an early lead!

We're already at the back!

Jesus, that is going to roll over
if we are not careful.

the German system was working well.

Whereas in the Metro squadron...

Look at what
you are doing, left, left.

Left!

Smooth!

Right!

Then there was
a complete communication breakdown.

Whoa! Left, left, left!

The Germans
were now first and second.

This is a disaster!

Then there was another one.
My wing men went mad.

On the inside.

No. No. No! What the hell
have you done that for?

That was your fault.
You're on the bloody steering!

James and Richard think
it's all over, and they're right!

Rubbish, you steered into
the gravel it is designed
to stop Formula One cars.

How the hell do you think a
Jaguar with a Metro on its roof...

This was our darkest hour.

We are being annihilated.

With us out, we could only hope that
Jeremy and Kipp the sound man would
race on cleanly and fairly.

Ram him. Ram!

Go, Kipp.

Yes, they've gone wrong.
We got them.

just off, he was out.

Now it was just us versus Sabine
and a man in a suit.

Come on! There's no fighter escort.

Up the inside, baff, yes!

Go, Kipp. They've gone down!

Keen to defend his country
and his job on Top Gear,
Kipp made a bold move.

That is giving them
something to think about.

It also gave us
something to think about.

Jeremy, my arm's come off!

My arm's come off!

Nobody has ever said that
in a car race before!

We were now on the last lap.

On the inside.

It is quite difficult now, Jeremy.

Oh, no, it is the finish.
No, No!

No!

I've let Britain down, oh, no!

Hopefully, we could redeem ourselves
in the next challenge.

Who makes the fastest cars?

The axis powers or the allies? You
came up with this one, didn't you?

Yes. You haven't thought
it through, have you?

I did. It is brilliantly simple.
A drag race.

Let's meet the contenders.

On their side from Germany,
the highly modified Porsche 9FF.

From Italy, the Lamborghini.

That's the LP640 version.

From Japan, the Mitsubishi
Evo 10, that's the FD360.

Yes, that's there's, now ours.

From England and driven by
Wing Commander Bunny Hammond,

is the Ariel Atom,
the supercharged version.

Then from America, I was thinking
of you here, corporal, is the
Callaway Corvette, also supercharged.

And like I was saying, you haven't
thought it through, have you?

Let me guess, James, New Zealand
makes a V16 rocket car that somehow
we don't know about. They don't.

However, India was on our side,
whilst I waited for one of their cars

to turn up I sent the others
off to neuter the 250mph Porsche.

And they decided it would
have trouble putting its 1000
horsepower down off the line.

If the race is quarter of a mile
this is still gonna be sitting
here spinning its wheels. Yeah.

Right, you're gonna love this.

There are rules and regulations
- you like that sort of thing -

concerning a drag race, and they
are always a quarter of a mile.

No, no. We drive kilometres.
At least one kilometre.

If you say a quarter of a mile
everybody knows what that is
because it's the standard measure.

Half kilometre burger, please, no.

It's a quarter pounder, you have
a quarter-mile drag race.

It's the British way. Let's do it.

With the 9FF hopefully out of it my
attention turned to the Lamborghini.

What I'm hoping,
praying is that being Italian
it changes sides halfway down.

As we got ready, James's Indian car
finally turned up.

Supercharged. Supercharged.

Charged.

James, don't forget to turn
your traction control off, mate.

Cock. I've just remembered the
Australians. They do that VXR thing.

Lofty Hammond got a lightning start.

Lofty Hammond got a lightning start.

This is unbelievable acceleration!

The atom in the Atom would clearly
win but who would come second?

Come on! Come on!

The Lambo's got me. But could I
hold off that monstrous Porsche?

Yes!

Yeah, that is ours! That is ours!

So...how do you feel now?

So we were first. Let's just say
that again, make it clear - first.

First. Third.
First. And last.

Well, you say last. There's
a symmetry to that - we had first

and last, the two most significant
places in the drag race are owned
by us. We own the whole territory.

You won the double deckers,
we've got some points back.

The drag race marks
the end of the team challenges.

From now on, it would be one-on-one.

For this event Germany will be
represented by ring mistress,
racing driver, Sabine Schmitz.

We will be represented by that.

Anyway, the cars - each team must
bring something small, reasonably
priced and from their own country.

So we've come up with this -
it's a Mini Cooper S.

Sabine, what have you got?

I've got that car. What, the Golf?

No, the Mini Cooper, of course!

Weren't you listening? It's German.
We said it's from your own country.

It's a Mini.

You can't get more
British than a Mini!

Alec Issigonis, how much more
of a British name is there
than Issigonis?

Apart from Patel?
British, British, British!

OK, so we're in the same cars.
Just let them do it.

So the International Small Car
Challenge, and it goes like this...

Slalom through the Ming vases.
Steering is so easy.

Reverse into the garage
of priceless crockery.

Then take a J turn penalty which,
amazingly, the German missed.

Next, drive a figure of eight
while a member of

the other team shoots at you

from a paintball tank. One point
off for each hit, escape the arena

through a tunnel we shall call Dick.

But then it was Jeremy's turn.
Gut luck.

Here we go!

So far not one hit!

That's the ticket.

Still, things could only get better.

Oh! I've scored.

I only had the figure of eight
to redeem myself.

Come on, handbrake.

Fire!

Fire!

An awful lot of bullets hitting me
here. And no wonder.

James! What are you doing?
Shooting at Jeremy.

Well, he's on our side!
Yeah, but why wouldn't you?
You're right! You would! Fire!

Come on, through Dick!

Yes. Even that went wrong.

So, I was trailing on points.

But I could win some back in
the final part of the challenge,
the head to head one

lap race around the Zolder circuit,
the winner would be the first one
to get their towel on the sunbed.

A date with destiny.

She's ahead by what
she'd call a metre.

Woo!

She's breaking early there, I'm not

going to do that.
I dive down inside.

I'm in the lead!

I'm not in the lead!

The TV idiot was trying
everything to get past.

Come on! Jeremy!
This really was a proper race.

I'm not talking, this matters.

Jeremy, let him get something right.

No! No! No!

They've got to get up to the bridge.

There's no possibility, in this
environment, of beating a German.

That was feeble.
And then you didn't...

Sorry. Were you shooting at me? In
that tank? He was, yes, he did that.

After that debacle,
we were trailing by nine points.

But I was handling the next
challenge. And it was to be
a shoot-out in my kind of car.

The incredible Bowler Nemesis.

4.4 litre V8, 300 brake horse
power, 0 to 60 in six seconds.

Top speed 130 miles an hour.

But, as always, with a Bowler,
it can do that anywhere on anything.

And better still,
my opponent would be the accountant.

Driven a Bowler before? No. Good.

Good. Well, they're terrifying.

Does he not do any racing?
No, never, he hasn't got a car.

No. He has a licence, that's it.

One driver dislodged
his lung when he went too fast.

But you'll be fine,
you'll enjoy this. Good luck.

It would be a five lap race over
a track that was 60% Tarmac and,
thanks to James, 60% gravel.

We are off. Come on, mighty Bowler.

On Tarmac, the accountant kept up,
but once we hit the dirt,
he wouldn't see me for dust.

Yes! More like it!

Meanwhile, back at base...

Sit down.

You're not
interested in these, are you?

Do you know what? Your mind cannot
comprehend of how uninterested
I am in things like this.

Back on track,
Hammond couldn't shake
the man in the suit off his tail.

He was clearly a worthy adversary.

Keep your foot in Hammond, be brave.

A point Hammond
proved, moments later.

HE LAUGHS

If you don't get that going,
Hammond, for us,
ze competition is over!

That didn't go well, then.

This was a race we had to win.

But the VAT man had a big lead.

I'm going to get grief
for this, now, this is not good.

Cooler! Eight weeks!

Where's the track gone?

Is he gaining? He is gaining.

On the last corner, I decided
to take him on the outside.

I can have him here!

Yes!

Yeah!

Well done, then. Thank you!

You know what a bad loser is?
Well, Hammond is what's called
a bad winner.

YES!

What do you think of that?

Congratulate me, then, I've won.
Did you notice, I was first?

After Hammond's modest win, we
were trailing by just four points

as we went into the last event.

It's a two-lap race
of the Zolder circuit.

It's between a Porsche 911, a racing
Porsche 911, which will be driven by

professional racing driver,
Tim Schrick.

And he will be against
an Aston Martin DBRS9,
which will be driven by James May.

Do we have to use James?

Well, no, you did the Bowler thing,
I did the Mini thing, it's his turn.

But, he's going to lose, badly.

Happily, though,
I'd come up with a plan.

You know what I mean?
Clever. Very clever.

It's James. It's James, yeah,
he's come in for the race. He
always...always dresses like this.

But what is this?

He always dresses like this when
he drives a racing car. Good luck.

Who cut his hair?

He's lost it.

Don't disturb him when he's focused
and in his zone, ready for a race.

He's ice-cool. Well, this could work.

Could do. There's every chance.

It would be a rolling start.

Because we were four points behind,
James, who's warming his tyres up,

had to set off four seconds
after the Porsche.

The race was on.

Go, James! Go!

The simple fact of the matter
is this, our young man had to shoot

down their young man
at the rate of two seconds a lap.

If he does full throttle on
the straight, it's not kept slow.

I know...
That's his nickname, you know?

We call him Lofty.
It's the opposite.

Towards the end of the first lap,
James had closed the gap
to just one second.

James was driving brilliantly
but then disaster.

He locked up, he lost ground, he had
the work to do all over again.

Happily, James is no quitter.

With half a lap to go, he was
right back under the Porsche's wing.

With just two corners to go,
he made his move.

I don't want to see! I can
hear them, I can hear them both!

Which car would appear first?

Which one?

It's there!

Stig! James!

CHEERING

James.

James.

Some say, you saved our bacon.

Others say I was bound
and gagged in the locker room.

LAUGHTER

And on that bouncing bomb shell,
it's now time to end.

If you are a German and you have
any complaints about the film you've
seen, do feel free to write to us.

Our address is, 1966

El Alamein Square, 1939
to 1945 Jutland Street, London,

WE1!

CHEERING

See you in the autumn. Thanks for
watching. Take care. Good night!

CHEERING

Subtitles by
Red Bee Media Ltd

This

This programme

This programme contains

This programme contains some

This programme contains some strong

This programme contains some strong
language.

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language.
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Hello, and welcome to Mock the

Hello, and welcome to Mock the Week.

Hello, and welcome to Mock the Week.
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I'm Dara O'Briain.

I'm Dara O'Briain.
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