Top Gear (2002–…): Season 11, Episode 5 - Episode #11.5 - full transcript

Corrected by Adithya FRK

Tonight,
we completely save the countryside,

James and I completely ruin London,

and there be dragons
in the reasonably priced car.

Thank you, everybody. Really, thank you.

Hello and welcome and we start tonight
where we finished off last week,

with the incredible Nissan GT-R.

Really. We know that this car is faster
round the N?rburgring

than a Porsche 911 Turbo,
which costs twice as much.

We know it's faster across Japan
than the Bullet train,

but what we don't know, because last week
I was on the public roads,



and it was fitted
with an electronic speed muzzle,

is what it's like
when you really put your foot down.

So, when the race was over,

I stayed in Japan for an extra day
to see if I could find out.

This is the Fuji race circuit.

There's no speed limit here.

No traffic either.

And best of all, no need to be worried
by the Nissan speed governor.

0n normal roads, all Japanese cars
are limited to 112 miles an hour.

But the GT-R's satnav system
knows when it gets to a racetrack...

and simply turns the limiter off.

First of all,
I must apologize for the sunglasses.

This is because yesterday
I picked up a hideous eye infection,

and I really don't think
you want to see it.



This, though, I think you do want to see.

Flappy paddle gearbox into manual,

though we put the gearbox itself
into race mode,

the suspension into race mode,

we put that button down
to engage the launch control,

left foot on the brake, build up the revs.

Here we go.

My God!

It's hard to say
how much power the GT-R develops,

because each engine,
as I said last week, is hand built,

and each one
is therefore a little bit different.

I think they put a million horsepower
in this one,

because the acceleration
is just blistering,

it's just savage!

God, it's face-ripping!

With the launch control engaged, I did
naught to 60 in three and a half seconds,

and flat out, it's even more impressive.

Partly that's down to the million
horsepower 3.8 liter twin-turbo V6,

and partly it's down to
the shape of the body.

It looks like a discordant mess -
like Stravinsky designed it,

but every crease and every angle,
even on the door mirrors,

is there to channel air
to that big rear spoiler.

The result is absolute stability
and a top speed of...

Well, since this track has the
longest straight of any Grand Prix circuit,

let's find out.

160kph there.

190.

220.

Come on!

240.

Into sixth gear at 250kph.

260. 275...

Foot on the brakes.

It will eventually do 193 miles an hour,

and that's impressive for a car
that's quiet and comfortable,

a car with four seats and a boot.

And it's especially impressive when you think
it wasn't really built for straight line speed.

Mostly it was built
to mash your mind in the corners.

The axels are assembled on hydraulic rigs
that replicate the weight of the car,

so the geometry is bang on before
the suspension is bolted to the body.

It uses its yaw sensor and G sensor
to measure actual yaw rate

and can then adjust the DampTronic
shock absorbers,

and the four-wheel drive system,
every hundredth of a second,

to bring the car into line
with a pre-ordained target.

I don't understand any of that...
but, I do understand this.

The GT-R can corner
so fast and so violently,

each wheel has a special knurling on
the rim to stop the tires coming off.

It is extremely hard to
explain how this feels.

Agony's probably the best word.

The onboard readout is telling me
that in that last corner

I generated one and a fifth
more sideways gravity.

Ooh!

I wish my collar had a knurled rim,
it would stop my head coming off. Aargh!

When you really get going
at this kind of speed,

you expect to feel
detached from the action,

like you're playing a video game,
just pressing buttons,

but incredibly, it feels mechanical,
it feels analog, it feels human.

It feels fan-bleeding-tastic!

I thought when I drove the
Mitsubishi EVO 10 the other day,

that there was no way the GT-R
could be worth twice as much money.

I just thought there's no way
it can be twice as good, but...

it is... and some.

They haven't built a new car here,

they've built a new yardstick.

Now, at this point, I was going to
tell you about the incredible brakes

and the turbo boost and how Lotus
secretly developed the spine of this car,

but, before I had a chance,
I had a bit of a problem.

Ahh!

My neck's just gone.

What I need is painkillers.

Honestly, I hate to cause a fuss...

You hopeless old fart -
a Datsun broke your neck!

It was already weakened,

from endlessly craning
down to listen to you.

Amazing rescue service
they've got there, isn't it?

I was very pleased to see that someone
had brought a lawnmower, and a bin lorry.

The dustbin lorry
did put the fear of God into me.

Much like I did with them, actually -

when they took my sunglasses off -
"Eurgh, look at his eye, it's disgusting!"

I tell you the problem, OK.
You know a lot of modern cars now

have those headlamps that swivel
when you turn the steering wheel?

- Yes.
- D'you know why the GT-R doesn't have that?

To save weight.

No, the motors in that sort of headlamp

can't keep up with the speed
that thing changes direction.

Honestly, it's just unbel...
It corners faster than electricity.

Wouldn't it be great to know
how fast it'll go round our track?

Yeah, problem is, you think it's in Japan,
but it isn't.

We've flown it 9,000 miles so it can be here
today in the hands of our tame racing driver.

Now, some say that he isn't allowed, by
law, within 100 yards of Lorraine Kelly.

And that he's never seen
an episode of Top Gear,

because he's a huge fan
of Midsomer Murders.

All we know is, he's called Bergerac.

And he's off.

Now, remember this L53,000 car

has monstered a three hundred grand McLaren
round the N?rburgring,

but I doubt it will do that here,
because this is a power circuit.

Very tidy through the first corner.

Stig's neck, of course,
made of weapons-grade titanium.

# ...my brother

# You are older...

And he's still all over Elton John.

Let's hope he showers afterwards.

That is planted round Chicago,

a little wiggle on the way out.
Hammerhead.

Will the big V6 upfront drag it wide?

Not a chance.

Look at that, the steering four wheel
drifting for Japan,

even though he thinks
it's a fictional place.

# Daniel you're a star

0K, the Follow-through.

Bang up the double clutch gearbox.

Sounds like a fighter
jet through the tires.

Second to last corner, digital car and
analog animal in perfect harmony.

Gambon, super-tidy,

and across the line.

Now...

now, I was expecting it to be around here,
the Ferrari 430, the Murcielago, 1:22, 1:23.

It did it... 1:19.7.

That's a L53,000 four-seater saloon car,

and it's quicker than Carrera GT,
McLaren SLR - genuinely staggering.

Crikey, small wonder
that beat the Bullet train.

Anyway, this week Renault have sent us
something they think we'd like to see -

and here it is, it's a mobile telephone.

Now, your mobile telephone may come
with something like a camera.

This one comes with a car, and here it is,
it's the Megane Coup? Concept,

and the amazing thing about it is,
it's all operated using this telephone.

I have, for example, just opened
the 1970s doors with it.

I can also switch on the
headlights like that,

and on the inside, I can even turn on
the funky disco lighting.

You can do pretty much everything
on this car using the telephone.

You can even start the engine.

The only problem is,
they're never gonna put it into production.

I have better news from France,
because this is the Peugeot 308 RCZ,

and they are going to put
this into production.

And, well, look at it, it's fabulous.

It's got the same 1.6 liter turbocharged engine
you get in the 207 GTi and a Mini Cooper S,

but it's been tweaked
to give 218 horsepower.

Up here, this double bubble carbon
fiber roof also produces down force,

so this car doesn't have to have
an ugly spoiler on the boot lid.

Yeah. It's not all brilliant though.
Peugeot say it's got four seats,

but, I mean, well, come on,
even I'd struggle to get in there.

You're probably better folding them flat,
which you can,

and if you do that, Peugeot say there's
room in the boot for a mountain bike.

Now, we've heard that this car
will be coming to Britain in 2010,

at prices starting from... L20,000 -
how about that?

And I think, actually, Hammond,
that on that basis,

the Sirocco we had in a couple of
weeks ago, possibly a bit dull?

Yeah, it also means
I want to ask Peugeot a question -

if you could make this car all along,

why did you waste our time with all that
other dreary rubbish, you pillocks?

Time to do the news,

and we're starting with, well, you know
Mercedes now has the AMG division,

and the AMG Division
now has the Black Ops Division?

They're like Skunk Works were
to Lockheed Martin.

We tested the CLK Black recently.

There's a new one - SL Black.

- Really?
- No, trust me, you wanna see this.

- Ooh!
- That's just unbelievable.

It's got a 6 liter V12, twin turbo.
Enzo produces 650 horsepower -

that's 670.

1,200 torques,
which they've had to limit to 1,000.

They would, cos if you unleashed
all that lot in a fast start,

- you'd spin the planet the other way.
- Suddenly gravity would be upside-down.

- It's gonna cost L250,000.
- Ouch!

But, look at it this way,

who's gonna say "I know, I'll spend
L100,000 more on the McLaren SLR Mercedes,

"which is a little bit less powerful"?

- Good point.
- It is.

That's Mercedes going "I've got two feet,
I'll shoot myself in that one."

"That's better."

- Right, yes, moving on.
- I've got a theory.

Don't you start with theories,
we have enough with his every week.

No, it's a good one - I think Citro?n
is the only manufacturer

that has a whole range
of good-looking cars.

- Very good.
- Oh, what?

- Think about it.
- I am thinking about it, the cross-dresser.

The cross-dresser's the weak one, but
apart from that, they're all good-looking.

- Think of another one.
- Picasso.

Ah, the Picasso, you say that,
but there's a new one, here it is -

- anybody think that's not good-looking?
- It's not bad looking.

All right, the C4.

The C4's good, the C5's good, the C6...

- The Pluriel!
- Yes, ha-ha!

- Cock, I forgot about that.
- You forgot. It's a good point, though.

Can anybody here think
which car maker doesn't make an ugly car?

- What, across their whole range?
- Yeah.

- Alpha.
- No!

- No, no. 8C, Brera, 159...
- All good-looking cars.

I'm very sorry but they've just announced
the Mito, here it is,

- and that is a minger.
- Eurgh!

- That is a minger.
- That is a minger.

- Has anybody else got any ideas?
- Aston Martin.

- Aston Martin? DB9 convertibles.
- No.

- Not good-looking.
- It looks like it's bent.

- Hummer.
- Hummer?

- Who said Hummer?
- Like your thinking.

No, they're consistently ugly
across their range of one car.

And they're designed by Americans
who have the aesthetic ability of giraffes.

I know the answer to this.

There's a surprise.

- Vauxhall.
- Eh?

- Are you sure?
- No, he might have a point!

The Vectra is going to be replaced by
the Insignia, a fantastic-looking car.

They've got the Astra.
That's good-looking.

The Corsa's good-looking.
Have you seen the Agila?

We've got a picture of the Agila somewhere.
There!

Sweet!

Oh, don't say sweet!

Sweet little car.

Vauxhall is now the only car maker in the
world that doesn't make an ugly car.

- There's no real minger.
- There isn't a minger.

What did you say, baldy?

I can't hear a word you're saying,
I'm very old. What?

It's a small one, Gilo or something.

- The Agila?
- Yeah.

Were you watching the television?

That, see, my... Look, come here.

Look at that, it's sweet!

That's not the one in the showroom.

You've seen one in a Vauxhall showroom?

Yeah, over at Fareham. It's ugly.

It's probably old, that's the prob...
Eurgh, the camera's got in my way.

It's unbelievable, nobody's listening to a word
we say. I was doing a high-pitched squeak.

That's really pretty. Anyone who buys
one of those, I'll sleep with them.

Hilary Benn, the environment secretary,
has been on television this week,

and said that he thinks
the rise in fuel costs is a good thing,

because it will encourage people
to use their cars less.

Oh, brilliant, thank you very much.

Let's not worry that they've closed
all the post offices, the schools,

the pharmacies, the doctors in my area,

because I can always drive to the
nearest town - no, I can't, Benn.

I'll tell you what this is.
I'll tell you what this is -

this is from chapter one
in Left Wing Dictatorship Handbook.

It is. Stalin, OK? First thing he did,
limit movement,

second thing, ID cards,
know what I'm saying,

third thing is curfews.

Redruth this week in Cornwall, curfew -
if you're not at home by nine o'clock,

you're down the Lubyanka,
Gordon Brown'll pull your fingernails out.

You mark my words.
We've all got motoring heroes, yeah?

- We've all got motoring heroes?
- Yeah.

A few of you are going to worship at the
altar that is Lewis Hamilton. James Hunt.

- Stirling Moss.
- Colin Chapman.

Well, this week,
Britain got a new motoring hero.

Here he is, ladies and gentlemen,

Councilor Peter Greenhalgh
from Swindon Borough Council.

He's in charge of transport, and what this
man has said this week is that every year,

Swindon Council is giving the government
L400,000

in exchange for the speed cameras
that they put up all around town,

and he says
it's a blatant tax on the motorist,

and he's getting rid of every speed camera
in Swindon.

Oh, yeah!

Standing ovation, Peter Greenhalgh.

Ladies and gentlemen, we have to honor him,
we can't just let this moment pass.

No. In the official register of interest, it says
he hasn't accepted any gifts or hospitality.

Well, that's gonna change right now
because we have this for him -

it is the Top Gear trophy of excellence
for services to common sense,

and it is yours, Mr. Greenhalgh.

Services to common sense in the face
of blatant government stupidity.

If you want to pop up here and get that,
we've even provided you a chair.

It is the Top Gear throne of gratitude.

For you, for you.

Peter, you come here, that is your chair,
permanently here.

What a man!

Can I just say though,

if you do live in, or are gonna drive
through Swindon over the next few weeks,

they're all gonna be watching
to see if it works,

so, please, be careful.

If you do happen to have
any sort of accident in Swindon,

wait until it's dark
and push the wreckage into Devizes,

and then claim you hit a speed camera.

Now, Chrysler are about to announce
that all their cars across their range,

will come with wi-fi connectivity.

Eh?

Yeah, you get a device in the boot that allows
you to hook up to the internet on the move.

- It's very clever.
- What, you'd be able to check your emails?

Yeah.

Would you be able to look at
Abi Titmus's lady garden?

They do say it's for passengers only.

It really will be a case of "I went on
the M40 this week and I found this."

You had to.

Now, if you want a comfortable, well-equipped
four-seater for around L25,000,

there are currently 30 different models
on the market.

But these two, being bold and odd,
decided none of them were good enough,

and instead they wanted to buy cars
from the pages of history.

Now, I should stress
that what we've got coming up now,

isn't the usual Top Gear
cheap car challenge,

because these really are their cars,
the stupid tw...

This is what I've bought.

It's a 1972 Rolls-Royce Corniche fixed head
with coachwork by H.J. Mulliner Park Ward,

and it's everything I look for
in a classic luxury car -

it's quiet, it's supremely comfortable
and it's quintessentially British.

Frankly, if you have L25,000 to spend on classic
luxury and you don't buy one of these...

you're an imbecile.

See what I mean?

Reich Marshal Goering has arrived.

Guten morgen.

This, James, as I'm sure you know,
is a Mercedes 600 Grosser,

which was, in 1963,
the most expensive car in the world.

- Overpriced then, like most Mercedes.
- What? No!

Does your car have a hydraulically operated
sunshine roof?

- No.
- Hydraulic windows?

- No.
- Hydraulic seats?

- No. No.
- Hydraulic doors? Hydraulic boot lid?

- No.
- Well, there you are.

That's that then, is it?

You've just got a Ford Zephyr
with a chrome nose, that's all yours is.

This is a coach-built, hand-built car.

Hand-built is just another way of saying
the door will fall off.

What's this called -
Rolls-Royce Mulliner Park Ward?

H.J. Mulliner Park Ward.

It just sounds like a plumber's convention.

Can I just show you something - may I?

See these little windows here -
do you know what they're for?

So that when you're in back
and the window is down,

this stops the draught
messing your hair up.

And have you seen this as well?
Has your car got these?

- Curtains?
- Curtains.

No, they go in caravans.

- Are you ready for this?
- Yes.

OK, ready?

That's brilliant, actually,
I have to concede that,

because what I've always found
really difficult is this.

Plainly, this had to be settled
in the only way Top Gear knows.

So, we headed for the test track.

What the Grosser did was cement Mercedes'
reputation for engineering integrity.

I think the only reason
they didn't make it out of diamonds

is because they're too weak and brittle.

And then, there's the ride.

It just completely irons out bumps.

And James will be saying the same thing
in that Ford Zephyr of his, I know he will.

Absolutely nothing is allowed
to compromise the quality of the ride.

In fact, I like to believe that if you
worked at Rolls-Royce in the 1970s,

and you ever used a word
like "handling" or "sporty",

you'd have been fired.

This was a car for heads of state.

Dictators, if I'm honest.

People who had a 600
almost always had access to an air force -

that's why nobody carves it up - partly because
it's got the loudest horn in the world,

and also because
I can call on an air strike.

At the track, our producers
had laid on a series of tests.

The first, inevitably, involved Lord Stig.

OK, surprise me.

"As you can see, the Stig is currently driving
a 1.1 liter Hyundai IIO down a slalom."

It's an l10.

Some say that's his own car.

"You will attempt to beat his time in your
much more elaborate and sophisticated cars."

Here he comes.
That's a proud and noble car, that is.

With the Stig's marker laid down,

the Rolls went first.

Hit it!

If this car had a monocle,
it would fall out now.

I can't hold her, cap'n.

Oh!

It's not a dignified spectacle, that.

Cock!

He's reversing!

This was ridiculous.

I'm gonna be sick!

OK, so the Hyundai did it in 24.46 seconds,
and James...

that's not good, mate.

I had good reason to imagine
the green Grosser would do better.

This is my secret weapon.

Pull it down and it increases the pressure
in the shock absorbers

to 3,000lbs per square inch.

- Cor!
- It is cor!

It'll be like an F1 racer going down there.

It wasn't.

No, it's not quite as straight and level
as I might have hoped.

But, unlike the Rolls, its turning circle
was less than the width of the runway.

That's quite good, actually.

You've gotta bear in mind, if you've got a
dictator in the back and terrorists come,

you've gotta get away quickly.

Ooh, that's a lot faster than Captain Slow.

Cock!

So, with first blood to the Mercedes,
it was time for our next challenge.

"There will now be a quarter-mile drag race
between the two of you."

But it says the only thing is,
you aren't allowed to use your engines.

- Why?
- It says old cars break down a lot

and you should get used to
pushing them out of harm's way.

What, a quarter-mile pushing race?

I've put my back out
just thinking about doing this.

You're trying to get out of it.
Just say go.

Are we ready?

- I'm moving.
- I'm not.

I was already ahead.

I've got no traction on these shoes.

Oh!

How much does yours actually weigh?

2.2 tonnes.

Mine's 2.8.

Hang on, you're getting ahead.

God, this is painful.

I can't go another inch.
I've had a heart attack.

I've won that.

Yes, you have, you've won.

- I was still going.
- I don't care. I'm not going any more.

I've got Ebola.

Mercifully, the next test
did involve our engines -

which car could achieve
the highest top speed.

He's reached five.

Buffeting, I've got 80.

The radar trap was set.

90! Good God, the trim's coming off!

But with a 6.75 liter V8,
the final result should be impressive.

It wasn't.

Children come out of the womb
faster than that.

Oh, my God!

Before James had stopped,
I fired up the 6.3 liter Big.

Top speed of this car in 1969 was 128.

120... kph.

130.

160 - there it is, 100 miles an hour!

170!

Stop!

My brakes are on fire. We can see the
smoke. It didn't stop and now it's on fire.

It still stopped better
than me, I have to say.

Yeah, your stopping distance is rubbish.

With the score at 2-1 to the Grosser,

we were given the easiest challenge
in the history of Top Gear -

go to the center of London and park.

0n the way,
we stopped for a cup of tea,

and an argument about running costs.

My last service bill, L212.09.

There it is.

- L212 for a hosepipe.
- Yes.

What was yours?

Read it and weep.
That's the last service bill.

Eh?

Fifty...

- I misread that at first. 15,000...
- Yeah, and?

Nine hundred and fifteen pounds
and fifty nine pence.

Yes, L15,900 for a service.

There was quite a lot needed doing,
if I'm honest.

What did he do, buy you a Golf?

In London, our cars were plainly
so much better than anyone else's.

Look at you, look at you
in the back of your Beamer.

Looks like a businessman,
not a dictator.

Look at him living out his
Chairman Margaret Clarkson fantasy.

Don't blow your horn James,

or I'll blow mine back
and then your ears'll bleed.

Sure, our L25,000 cars were a bit enormous,

but then you need a lot of space when
you're talking about this level of luxury.

This is my cocktail cabinet here.

Air-conditioned, of course,

with mounting points for your shot glasses.

Here's an interesting early safety feature.
Window goes down, window goes up,

but stops a couple of inches short,

then you press a little button and it closes
- that's so you don't cut your finger off.

Look at this bus -
why does he have to do that?

You wouldn't do that to most
600 drivers, mate.

You'd be in the boot without your head.

Soon though, without executing anyone,
we were in the West End,

and all we had to do was park.
How hard could that be?

No, double yellow lines.

Single yellow line, double yellow line.

It turned out to be a nightmare,
because when we did come across a space,

it always had a smug-mobile in it.

Look at them!

Two G-Wizzes taking up one space,
that's just selfish.

In May's Britain, that would be punishable
by six months in prison.

Happily though, electric car drivers
have no style,

so we headed for the one place
we knew would be G-Wiz free.

Saville Row, there's always a parking space
on Saville Row.

James, that's a parking space,
I'm gonna have it.

Now we could put this challenge to bed.

I'm good at parallel parking,
I lived in London for 18 years.

How am I doing?

Badly.

But I am gonna park, if it kills me.
Come on.

No.

What exactly would you like me to do?

Aargh!

God, this is embarrassing.

# BBC Radio 2 #

And that's affecting traffic
going into Harrogate.

Finally, we're getting calls
about severe congestion and delays

around Regent Street in central London.

Don't know what's going on,
but callers are saying it's a nightmare,

so avoid it for the time being.

That's it for now.
More traffic news in around half an hour.

It's not gonna fit, is it?

So, bravely, I gave up.

I'm really sorry about that.

Sorry.

Sorry. Sorry.

I do not know how long
a standard London parking bay is,

but I suspect it's about a foot shorter
than the Mercedes Big.

Eventually,
we did find two end on spaces.

However...

Where do you put the money?

Cards only.

Annoyingly, the instructions were tiny -
very tiny.

Because of all the different languages
spoken in London, it's all just signs -

what does that flag minus/plus...

That's where you put your pin number,
I'm sure.

- Right.
- Put your card back in.

"Selectionne avec bouton bleu"?

Ah, now that must...

"Pagmento"? Where's that from?

- Hit everything.
- You've just canceled it.

What was the matter with money?

- "Remove card."
- We haven't paid, we've been thwarted.

At the next place we found,
you didn't need credit cards.

However...

Customers are required
to set up an account.

You will need a valid credit or debit card.

All new phone park transactions
are subject to a max...

You are responsible for entering
the correct vehicle location...

parking regulation
of our network delivery...

or find an alternative space
where necessary.

- How long have we been now?
- All my life.

Bravely, we gave up again,

and headed for a traditional multistory.

Look at that - a ticket to park a car.

This was great -

they take your money however it comes
and in return, you get spaces.

Yes!

I am in, I'm parked.

Ah!

Oh, no.

I can't get out.

And James couldn't get in.

It doesn't fit.

Which was making everyone very cross.

Shut up.

OK, fine, you wanna have a horn race -

ready, steady...

Now, that's a horn.

And it got us thrown out.

It was becoming apparent that the large car
driver cannot stop in London any more.

And because there are now
so few petrol stations,

it is also extremely
difficult to keep going.

Oh, bloody hell!

Jezza, I've run out.

Hang on, I'll come and give you a hand.

In a normal car, this is not embarrassing.
However...

Jezza, help. Help, help!

I'm gonna get...
I'm gonna get raped or something.

- Come on, man, turn the wheel.
- Put your foot down.

Hang on.

Come on, James, pump it!

That's the fastest he's ever been.

Anybody not doing anything?

London. It is a fantastic city,

but unfortunately, if you have a car like
James', you can't go there any more.

- Oh, has it gone in your mouth?
- Yes, it has.

Just admit that mine's the superior car.

It's got more petrol in
it, I will admit that.

It's the color of an afterbirth.

There is only one way we can settle this.

So, what I've got here
is a list of famous people,

who, in the past, have owned a Ford Zephyr
with a chrome nose.

Remember? "Ooh, you are
awful, but I like you."

And James May.

What do they all have in common? Erm...

What you're trying to say is,
that because I've got a Corniche,

I must, by association,
have a wardrobe full of spangly jumpsuits.

- That's it, yes, spangly jumpsuit man!
- Right, OK, fair enough.

Fair enough. Let's have a look at the Bigs
famous former owners - they are...

Is Max Mosley on that list?

No.

It's worse, it's worse.

An impressive list.

It is an impressive list,
but if your theory is correct,

that means you're gonna murder
millions of people,

or die on the bog trying to get
500 cheeseburgers out of your poo chute.

So, really, it comes down
to a simple choice -

camp...

- Or camp commandant.
- Exactly.

Anyway, now it is time to put some stars
in our reasonably priced car.

Now, my guests tonight are both judges on
the immensely popular show Dragons Den.

The only problem I've got is that one of them
has a name that's very hard to pronounce.

So, here we go, ladies and gentlemen,

please welcome Theodorus Paphitis
and Peter... Oh, damn it!

Jo... Jon... The taller one, yeah!

Have a seat.

Now...

What I want to talk about first of all is this
- since we started having two guests a week,

we thought it would be a competition
on the sofa every week,

but every week everyone comes over so polite
"Oh, no, I'm sure you'll be faster than me."

"Oh, no, really, I'm sure you will be."

I'm getting the impression
you two won't be like that.

Absolutely not.

We've got some questions to ask you.

What are they?

Why is it that you can't drive fast after all
the experience you've had on that track?

I'm weak, feeble, blind,
hopeless and terrified.

Shall we find out your times later on?

- No.
- Now, please.

No, later on.
I've just added ten seconds to yours.

Oh, yes!

You see, they've already started
with the competition.

Listen, in business,
is winning kind of everything?

No, it's not everything.

What else is there?

It is everything, isn't it?

- Yeah, it is everything.
- He's lying.

Yeah, it is everything.

And you judge it
on how much cash you make.

It's just a score card - the cash
is a score card. It's a by-product.

It says, you've had a good year,
you've had a bad year.

Yours is what?
You do stapling machines.

I'm a shopkeeper -
knickers, bras, stationery...

- I thought you got rid of the knickers.
- I kept a bit just to keep my hand in.

So, do you look at the
Sunday Times rich list,

and you have to look at him and think
"He's ahead of me"?

Nah, cos it's rubbish.

- Oh, you do, you do!
- I don't. I don't.

- You do.
- I don't.

You do, seriously.

Every Sunday, Jeremy, when it comes out,
I get that little text,

and it normally says

You even compete on height.

No, we don't.

- No, Theo's given up on that one, I think.
- He is tall.

You mock him for his smallness.

The only thing I mock him about
is that when we had these Maybachs,

he bought a slightly longer one than mine,

and he also blacked out his windows. That's
the bit I really don't get with Theo.

Why would you buy a car
the size of a Maybach,

then black out your windows
when you're four foot nothing?

He's never gonna see you looking in anyway.

You've taken the idea of tallness,
which is good, and sort of ruined it,

cos you've gone over the top.

- You have really.
- Look at his feet!

Look at his socks.
What possessed you to put those?

Size 14s.

- No!
- You could go skiing without renting any skis.

There's no point being that tall.
You can just tell him it's ridiculous.

I just want to get onto this business,
cos you brought it up, the Maybachs.

There it is, look.

Unwise, gentlemen, very, very unwise.

Best car ever.

No, it isn't, not even close.

I had a Phantom on trial.
My boat is more stable than that Phantom.

I used to have a Morris Marina -
that was more stable than the Phantom.

You had a Morris Marina -
that explains why you've bought a Maybach.

Exactly.

Honestly, I once drove in one of those,
sitting in the back,

past some Eastern European builders
at a bus stop.

It redefined for me what hate is.

It's just a 600 Geneva taxi
with a bit of chintz in the back.

- Have you seen the color of his?
- I have.

I was walking down Bond Street
the other day in London -

it's beige, mate.

That's Jewish racing gold.

There's one thing I am really
interested in, you've all got kids -

if you make really a lot of money,

you've got quite a good idea for your kids,
haven't you?

I thought because, I thought "What do you
do when you are making a lot of money,

"and you really want your kids
to be as grounded as possible."

Now, you know that's
not really gonna happen,

insofar as they'll have
the fruits of your labor at some point,

So I decided...
Actually, I set up a trust fund.

When they go to work
and start to earn money,

for every amount of money they earn in one
year, the trust fund pays them double.

So, rather than getting ten million pounds
or one million pounds, or L100,000,

one lump sum,
that they can just blow to the wind,

the trust fund doubles.

Then the other bit in the trust fund is, to
encourage them to do things that are good,

become a nurse, which isn't well paid,
all those sort of things,

then it triples or quadruples.

See, I think that's quite a good idea.

If you're wealthy and you don't know what to
do when you die, I think that's very clever.

I want to talk about cars, if I may, OK?

You are both big petrol heads
despite the Maybachs.

You both started out with Alfasuds.

- Which we only found out today.
- Really?

- They just told us.
- I had three.

You had three Alfasuds?

Then I got wise.

I loved my Alfasud.
My Alfasud was bright orange

and every single day
I had to get in and out of it like this -

like a lady dismounts a horse. I had to
go like that and the reason for that,

is that they used to
have papier m?ch? sills,

If I put my foot down, I'd go through them.

So, anyway, the Alfasuds went,
cos you did the Golf...

The GT-R with the wonky rabbits
in the back. Yes.

He is a man of great taste.

Have you got a personal registration plate?

Not one, no.

How many personal registration plates
have you got?

Quite a few.

Have you got a personal registration?

- I wouldn't buy a personal plate.
- That is so wrong, cos I bought him one.

- What was it?
- W411KER

So, Golf GTi, good,

and then you moved into the sensible world
of the Mercedes.

No. No! I got my first
and last Porsche. 944.

- 944?
- Yeah.

- You did the Porsche?
- I did the 911 SC Targa.

- Color?
- Gold.

And what happened to that?

I had a bit of a problem
because one of the guys I employed...

Our company cars at the time
were Ford Orions...

and we decided to have a
little bit of a race,

which I didn't think was any competition
with my nice 911.

- You raced your 911...
- Against a Ford Orion.

And my car spun 360
and I ended up in a ditch.

You lost the race.

And you think he went faster than you
round our track?

He definitely did the way I was driving.

Anyway, look, it is time, gentlemen,
to see how you did out on the track.

Get off.

Peter Jones, let's see your lap.

Right, were you happy with the start?

How on earth
is a 6ft 7in, 17-stone lump like me,

gonna beat a five foot
whippet like Paphitis?

Excuses, excuses.
That's good, actually.

00h, that's very good.

That's very neat through the first corner.

I'm driving a hairdryer on wheels.

Don't you be rude about our Lacetti.

That's too wide. Just...

If all else fails with my business...
I've gotta be the Stig.

They don't make overalls
that ridiculously big.

That was a bit wonky coming in there
but it's nicely held on the way out.

Flipping hell,
what a place to put a cameraman!

It's all right, we've got millions of
cameramen. Did you lift off through there?

- No, no, flat.
- Flat out through there.

That was quick.

This is the first globally warm day
we've had.

This is... 0h, my God, that's fantastic.

Second to last corner's brilliant.

Gambon is a wide one
and across the line, yesl

Are we ready to see Theo's?

- No.
- Let's have a look at Theo's.

That's called killing the wheel spin.

There'll be no clutch in this car
by the time we're finished.

We'll see, it's a tough old bird, this.

- Did you like it?
- No.

It's better than your Maybach.

More brake. Brake!

No, you can't brake there,
you'll be off in the field.

Oh, gearbox, gearbox!

What's the matter with the gearbox?

- It wouldn't go in.
- Yes, it would.

In there without really moving.
Where you going now?

God knows, I was all over the place.

Oh, bother!

You're the first two we've had
who haven't swore.

Even the newsreaders last week
were swearing.

That's very good.
That's better than the tall one.

Wait for it...
and turn flat out.

You've gotta turn sooner than that.
You've missed, what you've done there.

Too much, keep your foot down.

- Did you actually lift off?
- No.

That was quite brave,
cos you got that entry all wrong.

That one... How are you doing?
I can't really see.

That's looking pretty neat,
coming up to Gambon.

00h, lordy lordl

The Stig did actually say he'd never met
anyone with less concept of speed than you.

He said it's the first time
he's ever shouted at anybody.

He was scared -
he actually wanted to get out.

I noticed there was a brown-ness to the
back of those normally pristine overalls.

He also said you're quite heavy.

Are you really 17 stone?

17.10, yeah.

Fat bastard.

Right, Theo...

- Yes?
where do you think you came?

If I got under 1.50, I'll be happy.

Smile away.

One.
I'm afraid I've called you Theo Pamphlet...

I've been called a lot worse.

Right, under 1.50's what you want,
you did it in 1...

40...

8.5.
- Wow!

And that's really not bad at all.

So, you go... there.

Simon Pegg.
You're faster than Dr. Who.

Now, we get onto Peter Jones.

Where do you think you came?

Well, to be honest, I don't really care
as long as I beat Theo.

Get to the point.

All right, here we go.

1...

40...

Oh!

6.9.
- Oh!

Give him a round of applause, everybody.

That was a quick time.

The Stig...

The Stig, who has an internal barometer,

tells me that Cowell came here on a
cold day when engines run better.

And he said that if you were able to lose
a couple of stone, get to Cowell's weight,

you would've been the fastest we'd ever had
round here. He was that impressed.

He thought you were

Anyway, ladies and gentlemen,
it's been a huge pleasure.

Theo and Peter, everybody. Thank you.

Right. It's time now to
talk about green laning.

Basically, it's a countryside sport,

for people who have Land Rovers,
Land Cruisers, tough stuff like that.

It's not really a sport though, is it?

It's just a collection of people with
one eye who go into the countryside,

dress up as murderers and then go in a
field and see who can get the muddiest.

No, it isn't.

It's a group of people
who see who can do the most murdering.

No, look, it's about man and machine
together against nature.

Yes, you do get muddy, you get stuck
in huge stinking pools of the stuff,

but you wade through it,
it comes up to your chest,

you throw a winch line round a tree,
you pull the car out -

it's tough, it's technical
and well, it's brilliant.

- It sounds ghastly.
- It is. The thing is, OK, green laning is...

I don't know, it's like
golf, fairly harmless.

However, there are a group
of very bitter-faced... ramblers,

who want to have it banned.

They actually are calling for it to be illegal
to drive a vehicle into the countryside

for the purpose of having fun.

- Yeah.
- Seriously.

Now, this gave these two
idiots a bit of an idea.

You see,
hunting has already been banned,

and they were wondering if there was a way
of combining green laning and hunting,

into a great and perfectly legal day out
in the countryside,

for the sort of halfwits who live there.

Because you can't hunt foxy-woxy any more,

we decided to see if you can hunt
a small Japanese off-road car.

This is a countryside.

And this is the Ledbury Hunt.

Now, normally when they meet these days,

they have to turn up with a bird of prey,

which can kill the fox
once the hounds have rooted it out,

or someone with a gun can shoot it
once they've got it cornered.

But today, they won't have to use
any of that subterfuge,

because what they'll actually be hunting
is him.

Yeah. Now, as you can see, I have everything
you need for a day's off-roading.

Including a car, obviously.

It's a L13,500 Daihatsu Terios,

and I know what you're thinking.

It doesn't look like a fox,

so why will the hounds chase it?

Ah, but look at this one.

0f course, despite my best efforts,
this doesn't look like a fox either,

but the hunt master says
he can at least make it smell like one.

This is called Redneck Juice.
It's fox pee and glands.

You put that on there.

So, they look at it and go
"It looks like a car, it sounds like a car,

"but because it smells of fox pee,
I'm going to chase it"?

Hopefully, they won't get a look at it
until they catch you.

If they catch me.

- Harry...
- Meanwhile, Hammond had met his car.

I'm not used to this sort of thing.

You said you could ride.

Yeah, but I trot around the country lanes
on a little pony,

- and this isn't quite the same sort of deal.
- It's only a pony horse.

It's not. He's a hunter called Harry.

Richard, the fact of the matter is,
you passed your driving test -

that qualified you to
drive every car, yeah?

You don't get in a Bentley and go
"Oh, I'll never be able to control it."

So, just get on it.

- It's different, he's a hunter.
- Can you ride a horse?

- Yes.
- Is that a horse?

- Technically, yes.
- Get on it then.

- Do you want me to give you a leg up?
- Yes.

Thank you,
I've gotta have one of these on.

Right, on three.

Right.

- Oh, my God!
- Sorry.

Can you do it a bit less ferociously?

Go!

Thank you.

I'm slightly out of balance.

Get it in. It's there.

- Oh, that's brilliant.
- That's how they are in the National.

Why don't I adjust this horse
and you get your car ready,

and we'll have a hunt,
and you'll get killed and eaten?

As the rest of the hunt knocked back
a refreshing breakfast,

I scoped out the route of the chase.

OK, I've got to get from here,
where I am now,

to here, on top of this hill.

It's about nine miles,

and as far as I can see, the only
real problem is crossing this stream,

which I shall ford.

Honestly, Mr. Darcy on his trusty
steed, Evostik, doesn't stand a chance.

I've just noticed something about my horse.

He's had a Brazilian.

The hounds were ready...

the horses were ready,

and under the rules of Top Gear
small Japanese car hunting,

I was given a two-minute start.

Here we go.

Naught to 60 in 12 seconds.
That's not fast, I admit...

but it's faster than Colin Firth's
going to be able to manage... on his horse.

Trying to think like a wily fox,
I made straight for the nearest wood.

Come on!

Proper green laning off-road enthusiasts
might mock.

But unlike their beloved Land Rovers
and Humvees,

the small and agile Terios doesn't lumber,
it boings like a spring lamb.

Oh!

Brer Clarkson's two minutes were up.

If anybody has an objection
to what we're doing here,

do please feel free
to keep that objection to yourself.

Keen to mask my scent,
I made for a patch of hyacinths.

Oh!

You see, if I'd had a Humvee there,
I'd have just got wedged,

and I'd now be in a dog's tummy.

Aargh!

Come on!

The hyacinth plan was working well -

the hounds were completely stumped.

We're hunting a six foot five fox,
he can't be hard to find.

Actually, I couldn't even find myself.

I'd got lost.

Map.

Through the wood - which wood?

Then I learned something interesting -

fox pee is more pungent than flowers.

Oh, they're right on my track.
They're now on my track.

Come on little foxy Terios thingy!

Oops.

We're through, I'm out.

All the hunters were now chasing me
at full speed.

Well, when I say all...

Right, what we've done, is lost the hunt.

I can see tracks.
There's car tracks.

I'm using my tracking skills, I'm not even
using the hounds now. Ow, a tree!

The main pack was now out of the woods.

But, in open ground,
the Terios pulled out a big lead.

Oh, lord, I've got a bit
of a tank slapper here.

Hello, people, would you like me to
murder you? I'm an off-road enthusiast.

I was now ahead by two full miles.

Oh, God, a gate.

Now, I've got to get out and shut it.

That's not gone well!

So Jeremy had caught up with his car,
and I'd caught up with the hunt,

which, worryingly,
wasn't stopping for the gate.

I've never jumped.
I've never done that.

Perilously close to Wales now.

Perilously close.

Ooh, Christ!

Oh, God! I'm still on!

I had 84 horsepower.

They had twelve...

but theirs were like terminators,

and so I decided
to give up with the gates as well.

OK, can we jump the hedge?
Let's jump it, jump it!

Or through, that'll do.

I think there can be no doubt watching this,
that Top Gear has saved the countryside.

No rambler, no matter how bitter and twisted
they may be, could possibly object to this,

because the Terios is so light
it's not even breaking the buttercups.

Oh, no, no, no, no!

Ah!

Come on, Terios fox!

Check it out!

Plainly, reckless speed wasn't working,

so I went back to animal cunning.

Nobody can track me through water.

Oh, that's a bit deeper than I thought.

Oh, please don't do that!

Oh, !

Sake!

Please, come on.

Please, I beg of you, I beg of you!

I think we've found him again.

Why won't you work?

Why haven't I got low range?

Animal cunning had let me down,
so I tried ringing for help.

Good afternoon,
AA Motoring Breakdown Services,

you're speaking to Arlene,
how can I help you?

Yes, I'm going to be eaten by dogs.

And I'm a pregnant woman
and I'm all on my own.

Come on!

Happily, I managed to get myself out.

Yes!

But now the hunt was on my tail.

There was nothing for it,
I had to go back to reckless speed.

Ah!

This is one of the issues with the Terios -

the ride is a bit bumpy.

With just three miles to go,
finally, I made it to the stream.

That's not a stream!

That is not a stream.

Oh, my God, that's the River Severn.

Christ Almighty!

I had to find a bridge.

Hounds.

And there, yes, it's Richard Hammond
bringing up the rear on Soon To Be Uhu.

Yes.

Come on, car!

Forty-five.

Forty-five, come on!

Oh, no, the route's blocked.

Things were desperate.

Pub, There Be Witches.

Oh, my God, no, no!

Oh, my God!

No!

This is it, this is it, goodbye, goodbye,
children, take care of your mother, bye.

Sadly, in the course of making that film,
Jeremy Clarkson was eaten by dogs.

Anyway, we'll be back next week,

Thank you very much for watching.
See you then and good night.

Corrected by Adithya FRK