Top Gear (2002–…): Season 11, Episode 3 - Episode #11.3 - full transcript

Tonight, how much passion
can you get for L1,000?

Oh, my God, the brakes.

How much soul can you get for L1,000?

And how much pain can you get
for L1,000?

(Cheering and whistling)

Hello.

Now, most people who can afford
a really expensive car

tend to be... getting on a bit.

And the problem is
that most really expensive cars

tend to be very hard, very fast
and very brutal, and that's a problem.

I mean, if you're old and
you drive around in something like this,



your wizened little head's gonna come off.

(Laughter)

Luckily, however, there's now a solution.

It's this. It's the Bentley Brooklands

and theoretically,
it's the perfect super-coup?

for someone who has gout.

(Laughter)

Bentley say this is the roomiest
two-door coup? on the market today.

It covers six postcodes. Its rear wings
alone are longer than an entire Smart Car.

0f course, when you're driving it,
it feels very small.

I don't mean small, do I?
That's the wrong word.

I mean... enormous.

Honestly, I was driving it
down a sort of normal B road the other day

and it gave me some idea of what
it would be like to try and park the moon.



But strangely, it's not the size
that overwhelms you most of all.

It's the attention to detail.

On average, it takes a swarm of robots

about nine hours
to make a small hatchback like this.

With the Bentley, though,
things are... a bit different.

The whole back end
has to be assembled by hand

because the shape is just too complex
for a machine to understand.

16 cows had to lay down their lives

to produce enough leather for this one car.

And it takes 125 hours
to stitch it all together.

It takes two days to polish
all the stainless steel trim-pieces

and 130 hours to make the roof lining.

Honestly, it probably would have been
easier to just take Blenheim Palace

and put some wheels on it.

To make the carpet,
16 sheeps had to have a haircut.

And for the dashboard, 107 square feet
of 80-year-old walnut was needed.

The upshot is that it takes 14 times longer
to make a Brooklands

than it does a normal L10,000 hatchback.

So you'd expect it
to cost 14 times more - L140,000.

But in fact,
it costs getting on for L240,000.

And that's before you start
with the options list.

The special flying-B bonnet emblem,
for instance,

is L2,136.

Ceramic brakes
are getting on for L20,000.

It is therefore very expensive,

but then it is very special.

In a normal supercar you get
to where you're going very quickly.

In this, it feels like you've arrived

before you've set off.

You really do feel,
when you're in a Brooklands,

that you are completely isolated
from the rest of the world.

And that's because... you are.

Let me give you an example
of what I'm on about, OK?

When we're down at the track,

I'm always given a walkie-talkie
so I can talk to the crew.

And they always work fine,
never miss a beat.

But in this, you can't get a signal.

Hello?

It doesn't work. Hello?

Hello?

I see what they mean
about it being erm... lonely at the top.

So there we are. A quiet and spacious
sensory-deprivation tank

for rich old people who want to
dawdle around in great comfort

in a car which has
the same top speed as the Vatican.

So, what, you may be wondering,

is it doing with a Sport button?

I mean, that's as stupid as
putting a Sport button on the Albert Hall.

The thing is, though,
this car needs a Sport button

because of the monster
that lives under the bonnet.

Waaa! Ha-ha!

Designed to run on coal
in the reign of King Edward II,

this six-and-three-quarter liter V8

was originally meant to produce
no more than 200 horsepower.

In the Brooklands, though,
it's producing 530 horsepower.

And, if you use
the Continental measuring system,

more than 1,000 torques.

The effect is profound.

- Listen to that.
- (Roars)

That is the sort of sound scientists create
when they want to set off earthquakes.

You drive one of these things
through California,

San Francisco is gonna end up in the sea.

0f course, it isn't the most delicate car
in the world.

Oh, my God.

I am going sideways.

I am para-sliding a Georgian tallboy.

This isn't driving. This is naval warfare.

What you do is turn in, make smoke

and then turn... to face the enemy.

Aha! You see, you weren't ready for that.

You don't... wonder
at how it does what it does.

You just marvel at the fact
that it can do it at all.

Sure, compared to other supercars

its top speed of 185 is not that fast.

The thing is, though,
you can't compare it to other supercars.

This is a huge slab of Old England.

You've got to compare it to Edward Elgar.

And he couldn't do 185.

You have to love the Brooklands,

right up to the moment
when it all goes horribly wrong.

Ah. I think one of the tires
may have just let go.

This is what we call,
in the world of filming, a wrap.

(Applause)

- What?
- Well...

What?

Well, I'll tell you what. I'll tell you what.

Look what you did to the tire.

- Look.
- No. It wasn't me.

No, it wasn't.

You see, the thing is, you know you turn
the traction control off in a car, OK?

- James doesn't.
- No, James doesn't.

But a normal person
turns the traction control off.

The problem is, this has so much torque

that if you even gently
put your foot on the throttle

it just spins the rear tires.
That's the result.

No, that's because
you were driving like an animal out there.

No. I had a blow-out, right?

And that... that's a point.
I had a blow-out. I held it.

I didn't go on Fern and Phil's sofa,
talking about my near-death experience.

- Yeah...
- I took it like a man, frankly.

All right. All right. Can we find out
how fast it goes round the track?

No. No, there's no point, honestly.

A car like this, you may as well

put the Stig in the studio
and see how fast that goes round.

So, what we're gonna do instead
is the news.

Well, we'll do the news in a minute,

cos first I want to say
a couple more things about that Bentley.

You said there
it was like a slab of Old England.

Yes.

- But... Bentley is owned by VW.
- Yeah.

That car was styled by a Belgian

and it was engineered by
a man called Ulrich Eichhorn.

It doesn't sound very British, does it?

Are you presenting Top Gear or
writing a letter to the Daily Telegraph?

Well, I'm just saying that you know
immediately that that car is German

cos it's got too much power.
They've overdone it, as usual.

Like they did
on their French holiday in 1939.

(Laughter)

James, the Queen is German
but you don't sing

"Deutschland, Deutschland, ?ber alles"
every time she comes on the television.

- I do, actually.
- Yeah, he does.

(Laughter)

I'm going to do the news, OK?

You know the erm...
the campaign we're having

to get rid of stupid, unnecessary signs?

Lots of people have been
very kindly sending in examples.

Check this one out.

- (Richard) If you look...
- (Laughter)

If they hadn't put the sign there,
he wouldn't have hit anything.

Don't put unnecessary signs
at the side of the road. Please, stop it.

We're doing this to shame the councils

that put these things up
without thinking about it.

My favorite sign of the week,
sent in by a viewer - here it is.

(Laughter)

- Why? What for?
- It's not even true.

- Is it?
- Shall I tell you something incredible?

You know these new eco-signs? They've
got their own little windmills, solar panels.

- D'you know how much they cost?
- 3,000 quid.

L10,000. Of our money.

L10,000. And, by law, there has to be
a conventional sign next to them,

saying the same thing
for when it's dark and not windy.

Which makes the L10,000 sign
completely pointless.

Yes. If you're going to be eco, don't put
the bloody sign there in the first place.

(Laughter)

- We are being governed by imbeciles.
- Yeah.

- Hey, go on, more news.
- Yes.

VW has announced the new Scirocco.

We've got one in the studio.
It's actually over there.

You've got to admit
it's a very good-looking thing.

- (Jeremy) Looks like the Stig's helmet.
- In white, yeah.

- It really does.
- Basically, it's a Golf GTi.

But it's got fancier suspension underneath

and this great-looking coup? body
over the top. It's a fab thing.

But here's the point.

- It actually costs the same as a Golf GTi.
- The same?

Well, yeah, it's 150 quid more
but you get more kit as standard

so it works out the same, which... How...

VW have got a bit of a history of this

because the Bugatti Veyron,
which is a VW...

They did. That cost them
L5 million to make

and they sold it for 850 grand a pop.

I don't think
they've got the best accountants.

They must go, "Why do we keep
losing money every year?"

"How does it happen?"

I suppose if you actually wanted
to save money, though,

you shouldn't buy either of those,
you could just buy the Seat Leon,

cos that is actually a VW Golf underneath.

(Richard) Same underneath.
(Jeremy) No. No.

It's got a version of the same engine,
which is more powerful

and costs less than either of them.

- You can't buy that because it's a Seat.
- What's wrong with that?

- It's Spanish.
- What's wrong with that?

I'm bored with Spain at the moment.

Fernando Alonso in Formula 1,
he's the most successful driver there.

He just is. OK?
Then you've got Nadal in tennis,

they've won the UEFA Championships,
they've nicked our airports,

they've nicked all our fish,
they've nicked all our building societies,

they eat the heads off prawns,
they throw donkeys off tower blocks

- and they stab cows.
- (Laughter)

- So that's the Spanish.
- That is the Spanish.

- Anybody from Spain here?
- (Man) Yes.

Give me my fish back.

(Laughter)

- Great news.
- What?

The Dac... The...

They know what it is.

The Dacia Sandero has gone on sale
in the left-hand-drive market.

Nice. Now, just one more thing.

Did you see the papers this week

about Prince Charles
running his DB6, his Aston, on wine?

- Yes, I did.
- Yes.

- Why doesn't he use petrol?
- It's not like there aren't petrol stations.

- It's cheaper and everything.
- I don't get it.

- What?
- (Man) Waste of good wine.

- Yes.
- I know, it's a waste of good wine.

Unless, of course..."Nasty whine
coming from your engine, sir."

- "Yes, I know, it's a South African."
- (Laughter)

Er, right, that is the end of the news
and we're gonna move on now.

I'm afraid there's been
a bit of an argument in the office.

You see, us three, we maintain
that Alfas have a certain flair

that you just don't get from other cars, OK?

And that you can't be a true petrol head
until you've owned one.

Yes, but the producers argue
that all Alfas are ugly little rot-boxes

and you'd have to be
galactically stupid to buy one.

So what they did was they gave us each
L1,000 to spend on an Alfa Romeo

and then they told us to meet in a car park
near East Anglia,

where we would be given
some challenges.

(Jeremy) I was the first to arrive.

This is a 75, and I will admit
it is not the best-looking car in the world.

It rather looks as though they got
themselves an Etch A Sketch to design it.

And then they fitted the wheels from...
a grand piano.

However, underneath,
that is a different story.

The gearbox is at the back
for better weight distribution.

The brakes - the rear brakes, anyway -
are inboard to reduce unsprung weight.

It's got limited slip diff.

And at the front
it's got Alfa's 3 liter V6 engine -

I think one of the best engines
ever to go into mass production.

And I got this whole car...

for L450.

It's... May!

In a GTV. If you got this
for less than 1,000 quid

I will eat my own shoes.

Do carry on. L995.

1996 Alfa Romeo GTV,
2 liter twin spark.

And what have you bought? You idiot.

- Did you just say "2 liter"?
- Yes.

- Well, why didn't you get the GTV6?
- It's not as good.

In what way is it not as good?

Heavier at the nose
and the handling is compromised.

- Cos it's front-wheel drive, this.
- Exactly.

- And front-wheel drive is for the feeble.
- No.

- This is rear-wheel drive.
- I know.

- Racing pedigree.
- This piece... Think about it.

...is to make Alfa look good again.

This, as I just... This is...
In black, this is a symphony of evil.

- It's not black, it's gray.
- It's black.

- What's that?
- It's a... What?

- What's that?
- Bird dirt.

Yours is, I think,
a trial of style over substance.

I can't even look at the front
of one of these cars

because I get sexually excited.

(James) Mercifully, Jeremy was
interrupted by the arrival of Hammond.

- (Jeremy) Dustin Hoffmond has arrived.
- Hello, there.

- That's...
- Behold... the Spider.

- I knew you'd buy a Spider.
- I knew he would.

This is the version
that only had one windscreen wiper.

- No, actually, there is another.
- Like a Scirocco.

This is the definitive
small Italian sports car.

I couldn't believe you can get one of these
for a grand.

- You know we're supposed to be...
- That doesn't always work.

- It doesn't work at all.
- No.

Let's start here.

- Does the door mirror work?
- No.

- Does this window work?
- No.

- Any of those switches?
- Not really, no.

- No. That window?
- No.

- That windscreen wiper?
- No.

- At least there's no play in the steering.
- That's all part of the character of...

Have a look at the front wheels,
ladies and gentlemen.

You could drive this
through an American movie.

(James) We could have bickered
until the middle of next week

but the producers,
keen to show we were morons,

were ready with the first challenge.

"Back in 1743, Alfa Romeo
was indeed a successful racing team."

See, they haven't got the idea of this at all.

"We shall now see how much
of that racing pedigree has survived.

"You will therefore go to a track day
at Rockingham race circuit..."

- Ooh. I hadn't seen that one coming.
- You haven't seen this one coming, either.

"...where you will get one point
for every car you overtake

"and lose one
every time you are overtaken."

- Ah.
- I may surprise you.

I bet you I don't, though.

- Right.
- Let's go.

(Jeremy) We saddled up
and headed for Rockingham.

Well, two of us did.

It won't work in a smooth way.

(Judders, rattles)

(Jeremy) The idea of a track day
is very simple -

anyone can turn up with any car

and spend some time blasting it around
as fast as possible.

Be very conscious of the loading,
especially on this corner.

Naturally, there was a safety briefing

but, thanks to James, we arrived a bit late.

...stick to your line...
- Sorry.

- Sorry, everyone.
- Afternoon.

- Sorry.
- It was his fault.

OK, overtake either side. Stick to your line
and let the overtaking car get past you.

OK. Everybody happy?

Good, good.

- What was the first bit?
- I think we may have missed quite a lot.

(Jeremy) Still, driving round a track -
how hard can it be?

- Hammond, I'm gonna stick behind you.
- OK.

Then I'm gonna take you on the straight
and get a point.

I don't think so.

- How many horsepower have you got?
- 126.

- 190.
- They're all broken. They've got three legs.

Right, right, left, left, left, right...
left, right, left.

Straight.

Ohh! Listen to that.

(Jeremy) 0n the circuit
we got a bit of a shock.

I'm minus one already.

Bloody hell.

That's minus three in one lap.

(Richard) Things were bad
for James and Jeremy

but they were worse for me.

What?!

Aghhh!

(Jeremy) After three laps
of not overtaking a single thing,

we scuttled back to the pits.

Sorry.

And there, the penny dropped.

Porsche 911, another GT3 RS.

- Lotus Elise, Porsche...
- Porsche.

Porsche.

I thought track days
were just for yobbos in...

- Saxos.
- Yeah.

(Jeremy) Plainly, we had to think of
a way of slowing the opposition down.

Guys, I've got an idea. Unnerve them.

- Morning. What's that?
- A five.

It's a five? They're the ones
that had the steering issues, didn't they,

- when you were going really fast?
- Well, it actually...

But d'you remember, when you went
really quick, how they used to jam?

- Oh, yeah.
- Yeah, they did.

Have you had
any of the problems with the...

with the engine-compartment fire thing
that they went on about a few years ago?

- Where did you hear that?
- We had it at Top Gear, on the track.

Something to do with hard cornering.

A GT2? They were the ones,
the discs used to...

What was it?
The discs shattered under hard?

It's always on tracks,
but anybody who's watched it,

they say it's just the speed from
right that end of the car in, like, seconds.

Yeah.

It's more, they reckon,
an explosion than an a fire.

(Jeremy) So, did this work?

No.

But it didn't matter, because we had Alfas
and they were fantastic.

Oh, that handling is... spectacular.
No other word for it, really.

It wants you to drive it.
It wants to be driven, this car.

Look at the vigor
with which it attacks this bend.

(Jeremy) Even Hammond
was looking on the bright side.

It weighs just over 1,000 kilos.

My Lotus Elise weighs
just under 1,000 kilos

so... it's a Lotus Elise.

(Tires screeching)

(Wails)

(Richard)
Despite our enthusiasm, though,

we still hadn't overtaken anyone.

Oh, I've lost power steering.

(Richard) And the 75
was starting to suffer from Alfa-itis.

When you put your arm
on the center console

your elbow does operate
the rear windows. That is an issue.

But it still has that Alfa magic
you can't ever really describe.

Only Alfa Romeo owners know.

- (Clunk, whirring)
- What was that?

Oh. Something's horribly wrong here.

There's a buzz, there's a feel
that's different and odd.

I had to make a pit stop.

This is the thing you have to remember

is Alfa build a car
to be as good as a car can be... briefly.

That left it up to my colleagues
to defend Alfa's reputation.

Oooh!

Squeeze the power
through the long-banked curve.

(Bleep)

Edit.

(Whirring and whining)

My flywheel bearings
sounded very poorly.

It's an incredibly erm... complex job
to put a new one in.

It's now quarter to 11 in the morning.

I might be able to get a new one in,
if I had one, by about erm...

(Mutters)... by about October.

I therefore decided to cool it down
with a fire extinguisher.

It was a brilliant idea.

But then I got some bad news
over the radio.

I've just been told something
rather interesting.

What's interesting?

While you're sitting in the pit,

every car that passes the pit lane wall
counts as an overtake.

Oh, for God's sake.
Can we hurry up with that jack?

More to the point, Jezza, you're being
overtaken by me, consistently.

Just overtaking you again, Jeremy.

Shut up, Hammond.

My flywheel was the first real problem
of the day,

but soon they were coming thick and fast.

Clutch.

I'm going to the floor.
The brakes have just cooked.

I think I'll just rest here,
let my brakes cool for a bit.

- My brakes are shot.
- This is smelling bad.

The driver's seat has collapsed
on the right-hand side.

Is that water-pump gasket failure
or some sort of...

- It's the pump.
- The actual pump.

Then I tried to get a point
by overtaking Captain Slow.

Naturally, that got us black-flagged,
but at least I took full responsibility.

- You...
- That's the rules.

...turned in on me.
- Rubbish.

That's where you're supposed to turn.

0n top of all this, the overtaking challenge
was descending into a farce.

Oops.

That's a 16-year-old boy
who's just overtaken me.

In a Corsa.

Cock!

I'm gonna take a Gallardo Superleggera!

Ye-e-e-s!

Utter joy! Oh, wait, now he's gone again.

Soon, though,
my disappointment got worse.

(Banging)

(Rattling)

That's not good. What's happened?

Jeremy's exhaust
appears to have fallen off.

That got me black-flagged... again.

Ho-o-oly cow!

There's nothing to worry about.
It's just the exhaust.

It's Alfas. They do things
that you're just not ready for.

A point that was proved moments later.

- What's the matter?
- Clutch.

Well, get it back up,
otherwise the producers will laugh at us.

I know.

Come on.

I can hardly believe this.

The only car that is out there
right now, working, is Hammond's.

Well, when I say "working"...

Please give me another cylinder back.

Please change your mind back
and be a four-cylinder again.

(Richard) As we sorted out
our little niggles,

the tally continued to mount.

But even Jeremy was admitting
speed isn't everything.

- Been overtaken much?
- There's Caterhams and Porsches...

- Can I just say? They're fast.
- Yeah, brisk.

Do they have the soul,
the character, the passion?

If Katharine Ross -

she of Butch Cassidy & The Sundance Kid
fame, and The Graduate -

were to come here
and choose her favorite car,

- it would be none of those.
- No.

(Jeremy) Finally, we were ready
to get back out there.

And this time we had a plan.

By working together,
we'd stop the overtaking massacre.

Get alongside me, quick as you can.

Yeah, now let's see 'em overtake. Ha-ha!

(Richard) Brilliant!
Why didn't we think of this before?

(Triumphant laugh)

(Horns blaring)

- Have you been overtaken recently?
- No, not for a while, actually.

No, neither have I.

(Jeremy) 0f course, to stop anyone
sneaking by on the wider bits of the track,

we had to weave about a bit.

- (Crunch)
- Oh, that's not gone well.

0verall, though, my tactic
was working brilliantly.

Until I was stabbed in the back.

- That's a point for me!
- Oi.

They've ruined the game. Now look.

Back-stabber Hammond
was now getting very cocky.

He fell off!

- (Clattering thud)
- Oh, no!

Oh, no!

Oh, I've got no engine.

Brutus Hammond
was out with a broken water-pump

and then it was the turn of Cassius May.

No clutch!

Meanwhile, for me,
things were looking good.

Hey, it looks like we got ourselves
a slowcoach here.

I'm gonna take the Focus.

Come on! Come on, Alfa!
Show the world!

Yeah, youth, how do you feel now?

I've got a point!

Oh, my God, the brakes.

- Whoa!
- (Bleep)

- What's wrong with yours?
- All the water's coming out.

- Is it?
- It's not good.

- How's Jeremy doing? That's the thing.
- I dunno.

Ask him, actually.

- Jeremy, how are you doing?
- Not brilliantly.

I think it's gonna be all right.

- I just need a tow-truck.
- (Laughing)

Do you think they're A, going to be
sympathetic or B, be a couple of?

- Nice work!
- No, they're going to be a couple of.

- I'll tell you what happened.
- I'll tell you.

No, a man came and pushed it over
when I wasn't looking.

- No. You crashed it and it's on its side.
- I didn't crash it.

No, look what you've done, man!

- Yeah!
- Look what you've done!

(Richard) It's a minor scuff.

Come on, car, don't let me down.

- (Engine starts)
- Ahh...

Doesn't sound good, that car.

(Cheering and whistling)

You can't kill an Alfa.

You can't kill a 75, that's for sure.

Anyway, look, we've now come back
into the studio

because we've got another challenge.

Yeah. We were each told
to make a calendar

featuring our cars,
a bit like any of these,

and then put it on sale for L4.99
at a top West London newsagent's.

We'd get one point
for every calendar we sold.

Now, I did quite a lot of research, OK?

And I discovered
that what makes a calendar sell...

I've got them here. Look.

See what's in common?
Haystack. Haystacks.

- (Laughter)
- Haystacks.

- Girl. And...
- (Laughter)

So I decided the best thing I could do...
was this!

Wh... Hang on. Is that the car
behind the haystack?

Yes.

Cos I realized the 75 is not the prettiest car
Alfa ever made, so...

I know haystacks are popular, so I did that.

Well, look, here is your calendar
on the shelf.

- How long was that on sale for?
- It's been on sale now for a month.

- Right, and how many have you sold?
- None. Not one.

James, how have you done?

I decided that I wanted a really nice woman
to pose with my car for the calendar.

So, what I did was...
wrote to some supermodels.

What supermodels?

Kate Moss, Sophie Dahl, the lot.
The big ones.

- And how many replied?
- None.

So, what did you do?

Well, time was getting a bit short
and I was desperate

so I rang up a local modeling agency...

- What, in Hammersmith?
- Yes. We've got one.

I said, "Could you send a model round?
I need one urgently for a car calendar."

- Yes.
- And they did.

- (Laughter)
- James, that is a man.

- That is a man.
- I know!

But what could I do? He turned up,
he was excited about his big moment.

I couldn't send him away, could I?

- How many have you sold?
- None.

Right.

- So... it's all down to you...
- Yes, well...

...to defend Alfa's honor.
- It is.

I was clever. I decided I wanted
an action shot of my car for my calendar

but we had to do it ourselves so...
Well, here I am doing it.

I set the self-timer on the camera. That
gave me ten seconds to run to the car,

get in, start it, drive past and get
a shot of the car moving, but I missed it.

So I set it for longer, which gave me
more time to run to the car, get in, drive off

and then... I missed it again.

So then I thought, "If I change the line
and drive the car closer to the lens

"I'll get a close-up shot of it
all blurry in action as it went past."

And er... that... that didn't go well, either.

- (Laughter)
- Yeah.

Did you actually get... a picture?

Yes, I did. You see, I persevered
and er, there it is.

(Laughter)

That's the worst picture
I've ever seen in my life.

It's action, it's blurry and
it's got a calendar on it and everything.

- How many did you sell?
- None.

Right, so... OK.
Er, let's put the scores, shall we?

Er, how we're doing.

Obviously, you get er... one point
for every tenner under 1,000

so, James, you got a half.

You got naught. I got 55 for that.

Er, calendars. That's naught.

- Naught.
- Naught.

Naught.

Er, overtaking. OK. Ready?

James, you were... minus 203.

Richard, you did well.

- Minus...
- Ah.

...178.
- Right.

And me? (Clears throat)

Even though I got that Ford... OK?

Did spend quite a lot of time in the pit
so I was minus 200 and... six.

- Oh, well done.
- Bit disappointing.

But don't worry. We're gonna pick this up
later on and all will be well.

Now, though, it's time to put some stars
in our reasonably priced car.

Now, we're often accused on Top Gear
of not really having too many minorities on.

Tonight, though,
we have someone who's Welsh

and someone who's fat.

Ladies and gentlemen, please welcome,
from Gavin & Stacey,

it's Rob Brydon and James Corden!

(Cheering and whistling)

How are you?

- Rob.
- Good evening.

Have a seat.

Look at this. Now...

Obviously, you're a new boy.
You've not been here before.

- Never.
- You, of course, have.

I've looked after the new boy, sir,
and shown him round the dormitory.

Have you? Cos last time you came,
you were super-quick.

Yeah, but the worst thing
about the last time I came

was my reaction
when you told me how well I did.

I was like a child who'd been told
he'd been given a BMX. It was awful.

And I think it's... Obviously,
Steve Coogan is a great friend of yours

and you... And he's a big car head,
big petrol head. And you beat him.

I've beaten him twice now,
cos he came back, didn't he?

No, you were faster than Coogan,
which was very important.

And how was it for you, then, today?

It was good. Er... although I've never driven
a manual car before.

(Laughter)

I've... I've only got an automatic license.

Cos your driving test wasn't that smooth
even in an automatic, was it?

- No.
- Tell the ladies and gentlemen.

Well, when I took my test,

I... had nine points

- on my provisional license.
- (Laughter)

I had nine points. I had a scooter,
which only went 44 miles an hour.

But I drove it
at 44 miles an hour everywhere

and got six points in one night.

Plainly a fairly catastrophic driving history...

Mm. No one's...

...and yet a fairly smooth day out there.

Unlike some people.

Well, you see, the last time I wasn't
expecting anything and then did quite well.

So I was very full of myself. So this time I
thought, "I can't be slower than last time."

Who'd like to see Rob practicing hard?

(All) Yes!

We've got some footage here.

There we go. That was lap one, everybody.
There he is.

360, lap two.

Lap three. And lap four...

And he's already on the grass there,
we should explain.

So, two absolutely useless drivers here,
by the looks of it, today.

But if I may, I'd just like
to talk about Gavin & Stacey. Fantastic.

- It's a staggeringly good thing to be in.
- Oh, it's fantastic.

You play this character
with a slightly ambiguous...

sexual past, let's put it that way.

It's interesting
what people read into it, Jeremy.

I think it often says more about
the viewer than it does about the...

(Laughter)

James May...

I find a lot of men
without a sexual compass

are kind of wavering.
They don't know which way to go

and they latch on
to that aspect of his character.

And you two really racked up the BAFTAs
with it, as well, didn't you? I mean, cor.

- Yeah. Yeah.
- Was it the Best... everything?

Well, no, the show won
TV Show of the Year.

- And then...
- Mm... well... it's all right.

- It won TV Show of the Year.
- Yeah.

No, it won it.
There's no other way around it.

I know.

And then I won... I won one for
a comedy performance on my own. Yeah.

Did you want to be an actor from a young
age? Is that how you ended up being one?

- Yeah, it's all I've ever wanted to do.
- But weren't you an underwear model?

Well, I mean...
Anyone here read Heat magazine?

We found this in it.

(Laughter)

D'you know what?
I just wish I'd stuffed my pants.

You won't see me greasing up my torso
in Hot magazine.

- Hot?
- I believe that's what it's called.

- (Laughter)
- Well, that was a very...

Cos I have... I do...
Actually, I must just say this.

Cos you make something
of the fact you're a larger chap.

- I can't really ignore it.
- No, exactly.

I find... I find the fatter person

to be more entertaining company
than the thinner man.

(Laughter)

- No?
- You mean?

I don't know if it's quite that cut and dried

but you've had to create a personality
to get girls.

This is it. I mean, you're Welsh.
Same thing, presumably.

It's... It's a similar sort of holdback, yeah.

Er... now, cars.

Er, Rob, last time you were on you did
own up to a pretty shocking car history.

Yeah, but since then I've had
an Audi A4 convertible, which is great.

And I'm about to take delivery of
a brand-new A6 allroad.

And I thought this was gonna
go down great with you and then...

- Then you hear this.
...they tell me you're down on da Audis.

No, we've moved them
down the board, I'm afraid.

- Why?
- Because the... cocks, let's be honest,

who used to have BMWs,
have now moved and they're all in Audis.

Well, I never had a BM...
(Deepens voice) I never had a BMW. I...

- I...
- Have you got a?

- I don't drive an Audi. I would like one.
- He drives a salesman's Mercedes.

A regional-rep Mercedes who's up and
down the M1 with his samples in the back.

That's not true.

- You've got your samples up front.
- It's a coup?.

It's a coup? but I don't like it.
I've got a Mer... I've got a C180 coup?

and I don't really like it,
so I want to get another car.

- So I was gonna get an A5 or an S3.
- They're nice. The A5s are nice.

- The A5's a beautiful car.
- A lovely shape.

I've never seen one.
I'm absolutely convinced

Audi just made one for the adverts

and they've never actually
put it into p...

I was sat in one the other day
in a showroom.

- You've got to get out more.
- Yeah, come on, man.

- You've seen it...
- Come down from your ivory tower.

You've seen one.

Erm, now we ought really
to have a look at your laps, I guess.

- I'd love to.
- All right. OK.

OK, well, now we're gonna see... I think
we're gonna see your lap first, Rob.

That means he was faster
cos you're saving the faster one.

- Goodbye.
- There's no way I'm faster.

- I can't drive a manual car.
- It's like you are worried about this.

- He is.
- Course I'm worried about it.

Rob, you're first. Here we go.

- 0h, it's wet. It's wet out there.
- It's taking a while to get a grip.

Fast, fast, fast, fast, fast.

Theoretically, this car is a little bit quicker
than the old Liana. Here we go.

- (Rob) 0h, that looks slow.
- No, but it's a nice line.

- That's good.
- Is it? "0h... he's gonna hit me."

- That's good.
- That is good.

It is good, isn't it?

Oh, I slowed down there.

That's the face
of a man who's concentrating.

Come on, come on,
come on, come on, come on. Come on.

- You're so keen!
- Well, you wanna do well.

- Into the... Well, I'm really impressed.
- It looks really slow to me.

Everybody says that but it isn't.
You can even see the understeer there.

You held it nicely. That's looking good.

0oh, that's not looking so good.

- Have you driven a manual before?
- (Laughter)

Yesl

Ooh, I'm already thinking about the end.

This is it. Did you manage to get through?
0oh, you've slowed right down.

- Oh, that's rubbish.
- What's the matter? Is it broken?

- 0h, don't be like that. 0h, look at that.
- Come onl

- That's... 0h, nol
- 0h, dearie me.

Oh, no! Oh, that's terrible.

That was awful.

Oh, that was a dreadful finish, wasn't it?

Yeah, pretty slow.

Which means... new boy...

that you're in with a chance here.
Shall we see his lap?

(All) Yes.

Here we go.
Is he gonna be reckless or hopeless?

That's on the rev limiter there.

Good start.

0h, he's turning in for a corner that wasn't
there and then into the one that was.

- Nice line. Much wetter for you.
- Just a bit.

(Bleep) Is that third? I don't know.

0K, through Chicago.
God, that's a brilliant linel

- That's really good.
- Get in there, you bitch.

Hammerhead.
Can he make this one good, as well?

Yes, look, you've got the understeer
but not quite...

Rob's got quicker reactions there.
It's the older man.

Get in gear, you... That's fifth. That's third.
Agghhh!

- (Bleep) piece of (Bleep) manual car!
- (Laughter)

Who drives a manual? No one.
They're (Bleep).

(Laughter)

Oh, we can probably beep all that out.

0oh, nice. That was quick.

And a very brave line, as well,
hanging the tail out.

Now, you're coming up through here,
looking quicker...

Frankly, looking... 0h, no, you've gone in
for a corner that wasn't there again.

It's looking wildl And then... big smile
and across the line.

So... who wants to go first?

I'm thinking probably we'll put er...
(Clears throat)

...Rob.

I don't think it's good
because that really was a very slow end,

so I would imagine I'm somewhere
just underneath Ronnie Wood.

No, I'm lower. Oh, no. Oh, Steve's there.

Steve Coogan is here. He made me put
an H on it cos he said it was a very hot day

and for some reason, in his mind...
that slowed him down considerably.

I don't know. I really have no idea.

- Well, last time you beat him.
- Yes, I did.

This time, you did it in one minute 50...

1.7.

- So...
- Steve...

- He beat me.
- He beat you.

- That's 1:51.7.
- Oh, no.

But... it was wet.

- It was wet.
- That's a very good point.

Which means you can, if you see Steve,

tell him that you would have gone
four seconds a lap faster than that.

- So actually, most important thing...
- Oh, here we go.

Here we go. To make it worse. Right.

There's no way I can possibly
have done better than that.

Because I was in fifth at one point.

If he has beaten me,
I would like an official inquiry.

- You did it...
- Go on.

One minute...

50...

3.4.

So give him a round of applause. It's...

It's low, but it's wet.

1:53.4 is down there.

I bet if they did an automatic
I could beat Les Ferdinand.

Anyway, look, chaps,
it's been absolutely fantastic.

Thank you so much for coming on.
Very best of luck with all the new projects.

Ladies and gentlemen, James and Rob.

(Cheering and whistling)

Well done.

Now, earlier on, we were trying to prove

that an Alfa Romeo
will put a bit of zest in your life.

And the producers were trying to prove
that an Alfa Romeo will just explode

and bring nothing but untold misery.

And so far, we've taken
our L1,000 Alfa Romeos on a track day

and we've made some calendars
out of them.

But now we pick up the action at
the Top Gear technology center in Didcot.

(Jeremy) This is what the cars looked like
after their day at the track.

But the producers
were showing no mercy.

- Thanks. Here we go.
- It's a drag race.

- It'll be reliability.
- It's a drag race.

It's neither. "Your cars have been
entered for a concourse competition

"tomorrow in Leicestershire."

Concourse.
That's... that's like Crufts for cars.

- It's all about presentation, isn't it?
- Absolutely.

"The judges will be looking for
spotless originality.

"In other words, your cars need to look like
they just came out of the factory.

"So, before you set off,
you'd better set to work with the polish."

Because concourse judges even
check the tire dust-caps for cleanliness,

I had to mend the damage
caused by James.

Not easy when spare parts
are hard to come by.

If they're gonna notice dirt
on the inside of an exhaust pipe,

they're going to notice
that one of my indicators is from a Metro

and it's in upside-down.

James, however, was loving this.

In cleaning the car,
you sort of clean your mind.

And all you have to worry about is,
"Is that bit there as clean as it could be?"

No, it isn't. So let's improve it.

(Banging)

That's on now.

Leather food. Yeah.

"Test an inconspicuous area first."

I decided to respray my car.
But even this had problems.

This is a nice color.

You know that Skoda green?
I bought some...

- You know when I did the police car?
- Yeah.

- That's the only paint we've got.
- That's a lovely color.

Although if you're gonna change the color
you'll have to be a lot more thorough.

Like you have to do under the bonnet.

- They'll n...
- They will.

(Richard) While Jeremy
carefully applied his new paint...

Check it out!

...I came up with a genius plan
to fix my ruined seats.

Hoo-hoo-hoo, look at that.

Yeah!

Soon my new paint job was complete.

The badge.

Oh, God.

And while it dried,
I went to check on the others.

- What if we try on the other side?
- No, no, don't go in the car.

- Don't put your hands on the car.
- Oh...

Re-covering my seat, it's brilliant.

- Out of what?
- Your jacket.

- You! That is my jacket!
- Yeah.

I am a bit disappointed, I must confess,
in how that's turned out. The front.

The sides and everything look good,
but the front, it's very bad.

To distract the judges
from the poor quality,

I decided to go for
some non-original racing stripes.

And I'm gonna tell the organizers these are
the national racing colors of Ecuador.

(Richard) As night fell,
things were going well.

The cars were beginning to look
factory-fresh.

Yes. James.
James, something I've done works.

(Richard) Yeah, and it fits perfectly.

I, however, had one big problem -

my water-pump was still broken,

which meant I'd have to feed coolant
to the engine manually

as I was driving along.

- How does the bonnet go down?
- I haven't worked that out yet.

Don't rush me. This is engineering.

What if we make a cut-out in the bonnet
with a saw?

They'll notice that.

D'you think they'll notice that,
with this in the passenger seat?

(Richard) The next morning,
we set out on our 80-mile journey

to the concourse competition.

(Jeremy) The track day
really had taken its toll on my poor 75.

OK, I've got an alternator-failure
warning light, brake-failure warning light,

oil-pressure warning light

and the unmistakable sound
of a ruined gearbox.

And that's what I like about Alfas.

No other Alfa in the world
has all these problems... today.

They have different ones.

Take Richard's car, for example.

Ergonomically, I think this system
is a little flawed.

The handle could
fall a little more easily to hand.

Then James tried to argue
that he had a problem, too.

- Hammond.
- Yes?

My heater's stuck in the fully-on position.

That's not the worst problem
it could have, really, mate, if I'm honest.

(Whining)

(Grinding)

(Whining)

(Grinding)

At the next repair halt,
Richard and I decided to show James

what a real problem might be like.

Ooh hoo-hoo!

- Would you like the mature?
- I'm thinking extra mature.

- One of each.
- That's brilliant.

(Laughing)

(Richard) That's gonna smell poor.

Cover his vent.

It's actually just a huge cheese-grater, this.

He's coming, he's coming. Quick. Quick.

- What?
- Hands off car, please.

Sorry.

(Jeremy) Back on the road,
our old war horses racked up the miles.

We're coming up now to the Fosse Way.

I can think of few greater pleasures

than driving an Alfa Romeo
with racing stripes on this road.

Sadly, though, my fun and everyone else's

was spoiled a bit
because James was in front.

How is Hammond's car still working?

This is gonna make it.

You see? Alfas are magic.
They're like wizards.

But then this happened.

Agh!

Agh! That's a disaster.

The handle's come off his water-pump.

And then this happened.

Oh... what?

No, not now! Come on.

Oh, it's on fire.

(Richard) Now, normally on Top Gear, our
motto is, "If a friend falls, leave him there."

But because today
we were united against our producers,

James came back to rescue me.

Well, that's not right.

(Bang)

Hammond.

I have been rescued
and I haven't even broken down.

Hello.

Because James's car was in the best nick,

he would have to tow Hammond.

Thanks for the tow, mate.
I appreciate it, really I do.

That's quite all right.

- (Bang)
- Sorry. Sorry.

Hammond!

Beginning to slow for the roundabout.

Taking up slack.

- 140 yards.
- Got the slack. Got the slack.

- (Bang)
- Ooh! Sorry.

Sorry, sorry. I... Ooh.

Sorry, mate. I was looking for
my headlight switch.

I really don't know where it is.

What? No! Mate!

- What's happening?
- What?

He's broken something, as well.

He left me.

- Would you mind?
- I can't. Listen.

- (Juddering)
- Well... But...

- But you can't leave an Alfa behind.
- Ow!

So the car that was dead had to be towed
by the car that was dying.

- (Whirring)
- Oh, listen to that now.

(Richard) That's a weird noise
for a car to make.

- That's better. What have you done?
- I've gone into second.

Second's nice. It's underrated as a gear.

(Jeremy) Oh, my God.

From then on, it was downhill all the way.

Except when we were going uphill.

- Hammond...
- (Exclaims)

...it's not going well up the hill.
- (Yells)

Here it is,
carrying its mate from the battlefield

even though one of its legs is shot off.

While Corporal May just abandoned ship.

Happily, though, May was paying the price
for his desertion.

(Sniffing)

That doesn't smell like the engine.

Looking good. Stylish.

Fondue?

Despite my bearings being shot to bits,

we were now near the overnight halt.

- I don't believe it. I do not believe it.
- My car?

That tired old Italian car
has towed its broken mate...

James wasn't very pleased to see us.

- How much damage has he done?
- Well, he's knocked the number plate off.

- Well, it's not that bad.
- It's worse than it was...

- You could buff that out.
...this morning.

- Look what it's done to his.
- It's done more to mine.

Actually, you... I should be cross at you.
Look what you've done.

- How could I have done that?
- Look.

You were behind.

(Jeremy) Sunday. Concourse day.

And the fields were filling with
some of the best drivers' cars ever made.

(PA)... the Alfa Romeo concourse...

All of which were being hoovered
and dusted and polished

and then hoovered
and dusted and polished again.

Meanwhile, a few miles down the road...

(Crunching)

- I'm going for a second. Are you ready?
- Aaaghhhh!

Sadly, James is not able to tow Richard
this morning.

He's still in a bit of a mood over yesterday.

There was a bigger issue, though,

because the rules say all cars
must arrive under their own steam.

So, just outside the gates,
we pulled over...

There's every chance.

...and Hammond bravely rang for help.

- Come on. Live. Live. Live.
- (Whining)

- Oh, that's a pretty car, the old GTV.
- Yeah, that is lovely.

Come on. Come on. Come on.

No, you've just bought a Fiat, mate.
You haven't got the idea...

Begin!

(Whining)

- Now!
- (Jeremy laughing)

(Jeremy) It was hopeless.

So we came up with a plan.

James agreed to tow Richard,
and my car would hide the rope.

"And how did the accident happen,
Mr. Clarkson?"

At the entrance we had to bunch right up
to fool the marshals.

We always travel together, so if you don't
mind us sticking together that'd be kind.

Morning.

No, no tow-ropes here.
Nothing to see here.

There are some marshals at the gate.

We need to move past them
as if everything is normal.

- Up on the left.
- Up on the I...

(Bang)

- Morning.
- Over on the right, next to the...

- (Bang)
- Sorry. Sorry.

(Jeremy) Very discreetly...

Oh...

...we made our way to the judging area
and parked amongst our rivals.

- We're competing.
- Yeah. Yeah. Erm...

As... a man... of God

you'd take it badly, I'm assuming,
if I were to, for instance, key it.

(Richard) Soon the judges
descended on our cars.

We've got some serious marking to do.
Would you be able to open the bonnet?

- No.
- No.

What I want you to put in your mind -

under that bonnet
is a burnished specimen of perfection.

- So that's zero.
- Naught.

- Your paintwork...
- Yes.

Most of it is the same color
that it came out the factory.

- It is.
- So I've given it er... two points for that.

- Out of?
- 15.

Two?

No, no, we keep the engine in there.
Anything else you need to check?

- Is that it?
- Er, boot.

Yes, it's down there.

(Grinding)

- Does it clunk when you change gear?
- No.

I... I did patch this one slightly.

- Well, I didn't. I had an upholsterer do it.
- Right.

- Do you have the original toolkit?
- Yes.

- Can you show it to me?
- No.

You can't deduct marks for the cheese.
I didn't put it there.

- You should have cleaned it off.
- So let's call it eight.

Yeah.

- You've written "seven".
- Yeah.

(Jeremy) The judges retired
to tot up the scores.

But truth be told,
we were already winners.

You see, if we'd been in three normal cars

this would have been
a drive across the Midlands.

But these three old crocks
had turned it into an adventure.

Laughter, mishaps,
friendship, memories, thrills.

That is petrol head heaven.

Hammond!

And, as we've always maintained,

the only way you can get there...
is in an Alfa Romeo.

(Cheering and applause)

- We were right.
- Want one.

Heart says I want one.

Anyway, it is now time to get the scores
from the judges.

- James, what did you get?
- Out of a possible 150... 74.

74. That's nearly a pass.

Now, I got... 23 and a half.

Yeah. Which was the lowest score

ever recorded in er... concourse history.

Yeah. Until I came along.

- What did you get?
- I got nine.

- Nine?
- Nine.

Nine points. So, here we go.
These are the totals.

James, you are minus... 129 and a half.

- Yep.
- 129 and a half.

- Richard, you are minus 169.
- Yes, I am.

And I'm minus 127 and a half!

And so, for the first time since the
cheap-car challenge about three years ago,

I've actually won something!

- (Cheering)
- Well done.

- And it gets better.
- Why?

Because, as a prize, the producers
have said you get to keep that 75

and use it as your car for a whole year.

And d'you know something?
Honestly, as a car lover

I can't think of anything I'd like more.

Er... so that's time to end now.
Thank you very much for watching.

See you next week. Good night.

(Cheering and applause)