Top Gear (2002–…): Season 11, Episode 1 - Episode #11.1 - full transcript

Tonight - can we solve the fuel crisis?

And, making a better police car -
how hard can it be?

(Applause and cheering)

Such a noise!

Hello. Thank you.

Hello!

Hello and no.

No, this is not a repeat, we really are back.
You're not watching Dave.

(Laughter)

Unless... Unless this is a repeat.

In which case, let's remind ourselves
what we did in the summer series of 2008.



Bullet train - pah!

He's had it.

Come on then, big fella,
let's see what you've got.

(Horn)

Hounds.

Look at this.

Very sorry.

Oh, my God, the brakes!

But let's not get hung up on fashion.

Oh!

I'm not talking. This matters.

(Screams)

- Oh!
- Oh, left, left, left!

Ahh!



Oh! Ha-ha!

It's looking good.

- Yeah!
- (Applause and cheering)

There we go.

So, the usual...

The usual orgy of speed and...
and three middle-aged men falling over a lot.

That actually gives us a bit of a problem,
because we've had a letter from the BBC,

and they said, what with petrol
being L5.50 a gallon and all the rest of it,

what we should actually be doing

is giving some advice on fuel economy
and saving money.

Yeah, unfortunately,
that letter was opened by him.

- (Laughter)
- And I decided the best thing we could do

- is get five supercars and have a race.
- (Laughter)

These are the contenders.

A Ferrari 599,

a Lamborghini Murcielago,

a Mercedes McLaren,

an Aston Martin DBS,

and the Audi R8.

They will now race round our track.

But to prove we're in tune with the times,

each will start
with just one gallon in its tank.

(Engines roaring)

There you go,
the sound of the 20th century.

God, I love it.

5.4 liter V8 versus this 6.5 liter V12.
We're coming side by side

into the first corner.

There, blocked him out.

Lamborghini's in the lead.

- Whoops-a-daisy!
- (Tires squeal)

The sight in my rear-view mirror now
is unbelievable!

This was turning into one of the
most exciting races ever, on our track.

And then it turned into one of the shortest.

The Ferrari, it's gone, it's down, it's out.

Amazingly, after just 1.7 miles
the Ferrari had spluttered to a halt.

He's coming past.
There's nothing I can do.

That McLaren is so quick.
You forget how quick it is.

Shortly afterwards, the Aston was out too,
turning it into a three-horse race.

Sorry, mate,
I'm gonna outbrake you here.

I've got an Audi R8
right up my trumpet here.

Then the McLaren took its last mighty swig.

That noise coming from behind my left ear,
that's the sound of money exploding.

My Lamborghini soldiered on bravely.

Then, it ran out.

Oh, no!

It had done 4. 1 miles to the gallon -
an incredible performance.

But the winner, with an incredible
five miles to the gallon is the Audi R8.

So, here's a Top Gear top tip -

if you've been affected by the fuel crisis,

this is the supercar to buy.

(Applause and cheering)

- I like to think we provide a service.
- Yeah, nice one.

And that is a useful piece
of consumer advice.

No... But, seriously, that Ferrari,
did it really do 1.7 mpg?

Well, there might've been a bit of fuel
left in its pipes.

You'd be amazed how thirsty those things are
when you thrash them - it's incredible.

1.7 miles means...
L3.23 a mile just in petrol.

- Yes.
- The thing is, the BBC saw that film

and they said we'd been stupid,

and we had to do something
more for the normal person.

And, well, it was him again.

Yes, so the Toyota Prius.

To make this as economical as possible, they go
to the ends of the earth, quite literally.

I mean, the nickel that they use to make
the batteries that power the electric motor,

that comes from a mine in Canada.

Now, nickel mining is a filthy business -
a lot of sulfur and acid rain, but no matter.

They load it on an enormous cargo ship,
send it to Europe, where it's refined,

then on to China
where it's turned into a sort of foam.

Then to Japan where it's put into batteries
and into the car.

It's so complicated in fact,
to make a Prius,

that a recent study found
that in the long term,

it does more environmental damage
than a Land Rover Discovery.

But... No, it's true.
But, it is at least economical.

- (Laughter)
- Or is it?

This is a BMWM3.

It is not designed
to be as economical as possible.

It is designed to be fast.

So, ten laps of the track,
let's see which one uses the least fuel.

Here we go.

The Prius would be driven
as fast as possible.

All I had to do in the BMW was keep up.

OK, so there's a 1.5 liter 4-cylinder engine
in the Prius.

In this, a 414 brake horsepower
four liter V8.

You would expect this to use
massively more fuel.

It was one of the dullest drives of my life,

but in the interests of science,
I stuck with it.

Coming up now, ten laps.

And... we're finished.

- I have the results here.
- Yes.

The Prius did 17.2 miles to the gallon.

The M3 did 19.4 miles to the gallon.

- Hang on...
- That was verified.

(Applause)

- So...
- Seriously.

- 19 to 17?
- Yeah.

At that speed, the M3 is more economical
than a Prius.

So, what he's saying is, if you want
an economical car, buy a BMW M3.

No, I'm not actually.

What I'm saying is, it isn't what you drive
that matters, it's how you drive it.

That is everything. There's a load of people
right now who've got Mondeos,

"I can't afford the petrol anymore,
I'm gonna have to get rid."

Don't, cos everyone's in the same boat,
you'll get 20p for it -

you'll end up with a horrid eco-box.

Much better, don't change the car,
change your driving style.

We will put our Top Gear top fuel-saving tips
on the website for you.

- I think that's enough about fuel.
- Yeah.

- Moving on.
- No.

- What?
- No, it isn't enough about fuel, cos...

Gather round, everyone.

- You know a Securicor van?
- Yes.

Driver's got a helmet, truncheon,
bulletproof glass.

What've they got in the back -
50 quid, box of stamps?

A tanker - 40,000 liters of fuel,
it's 50,000 quid,

and all he's got to fend you off
is a rolled-up porn mag.

(Laughter)

Are you suggesting
people go out and steal petrol tankers?

- Not people, no. (Quietly) Us.
- We do?

We steal it. Put it in here,
Google Earth'll never spot it.

- (Laughter)
- Honestly, cos if you think about it,

- 50,000 liters of fuel, OK?
- That's a lot.

That would be enough
to get your Mustang...

...home.
- Really?

- (Laughter)
- Well, to Guildford.

And you could fill up there.
It's a brilliant idea.

- Shall we do some proper news?
- No.

No, because, you know every TV show
in the world now has a campaign.

- No.
- They do.

Jamie Oliver's going
"Don't eat chips, eat weeds."

What's Gordon Ramsey's one? You gotta
kill your children's pets and eat them.

(Laughter)

So, I've come up
with a campaign we should do.

- Oh, no!
- Road signs.

Too late, they've already been invented.
Moving on.

No, get rid of them.

Councils these days, "Oh, there's a space,
we could put one in there,"

and they just write rubbish.

There's one on the M40,
it says "Spray possible."

Well, it might be.

It was a June day when I went past it.

"Impossible" is what it should've said.

If they're gonna list things that are possible,

they could put "Being eaten by a cow -
possible."

In the olden days, you used to be able
to have a crash

and it was a foregone conclusion
you weren't gonna hit anything.

Now, you're bound to hit a sign saying "Deer".

- (Laughter)
- How do you know there's a deer?

How do they know where the deer is?

Why don't they just put the deer sign
on the deer?

- (Laughter)
- That would work.

Why don't they do that?

There are stupid ones,
like the falling rocks sign.

What are you supposed to do?

- Speed up? Slow down?
- 195 mile an hour to avoid them.

Why don't they stop the rocks falling down
if it's a continual problem?

- That would be a better spend of money.
- It is.

There's a very good sign near where I live.
It says "Changed priorities ahead."

And it's right.
I was driving there the other day

and I thought to myself "I'll work harder
and pay my mortgage off and be secure...

- (Laughter)
- "...in my old age."

I went past the sign and after
ten or twenty yards, I thought,

- "No, I'm gonna go to the pub."
- (Laughter)

- So, it works?
- Yeah.

If you wanna join our campaign
to get rid of all road signs,

or send us a picture of the
most pointless one you've ever seen,

write to us at Top Gear... Christ,
we've moved offices, where are we now?

- No idea.
- We're upstairs.

- We're above The One Show now.
- Yes!

There we are - Top Gear,
Above The One Show, London.

- That'll find us.
- Now shall we do some news?

- Can we have some proper news now?
- Yes. News from Korea.

Hyundai's made a new coupé,

and I've got the sneaking suspicion
the designer sneezed when he got here.

I think he may have been allergic
to the spaniel in his sandwich.

(Laughter)

Maybe his lunch bit his ankle

Seriously, if you go to Korea,
don't order a cauliflower cheese,

- cos it won't be what you think.
- (Laughter)

Anyway, this is called the Genesis,

which probably means that
after a couple of years the front'll leave,

and Phil Collins'll move in there instead.

Strictly speaking, Phil Collins
will come round from the back

to take place at the front.

Leaving Chester Thomson at the back?

Phil Collins will have to go back to the back
with Chester Thomson.

- Yes.
- I don't know what you two are saying now.

It's got a V6 engine, 3.8 liters

and in between the bank,
you've got a 25-minute keyboard solo.

(Laughter)

You're using words but it means nothing.

Would you rather it were called
the Hyundai Westlife?

- Yeah, all right.
- The Hyundai Girls Aloud Hammond Edition.

- All right. Thank you.
- (Laughter)

You know that company that's bought Jaguar,
Tata?

While we were off they made a big noise
about introducing a L1,500 car.

Well, they've done it, here it is,
it's called the Nano.

- Oh!
- Mm! The thing that worries me about this,

it's like one of those Dr Who monsters
that has no facial features.

Eurgh, it's just gonna terrify children.

It has no features at all on it,
but this is the luxury version.

That's the luxury one!

How much more basic could it be?
What could you lose?

Well, you know it isn't the base model
because if it was the base model,

you wouldn't be able to see it
because the mule would be in the way.

(Laughter)

Hey, great news!

- What?
- The Dacia Sandero is almost here.

- When?
- Next year!

Great!

- Now, the Toyota Urban Cruiser...
- (Laughter)

That is the stupidest name I've ever heard of,
cos, forgive me if I'm wrong,

but doesn't an urban cruiser wear a Mac

and isn't allowed within 200 yards
of a primary school?

(Laughter)

- They may not have thought that through.
- That's not gonna work as a school-run car,

if the police arrest it
every time it goes near the gate.

(Laughter)

Do you know
what's wrong with Ferrari at the moment?

No, but I guess you're gonna tell us.

- Yes, I am.
- I know what it is.

It's that they spend too much time
making aftershave

and crash helmets
that match the dashboard of your car,

- even though you haven't actually got one.
- Well, that's true, but they're nerdy.

It's the plumbing and the wiring
and the computer systems, that's the trouble.

When I drive a Ferrari, I want it to be
all about passion and excitement.

You might think this would fit the bill.

That it's gonna be a ton and a bit
of Italian engineering for the soul.

It's a tightened-up, stripped
and striped version of the normal 430.

Sadly, though, it's called the Scuderia,
which is Italian for team.

That means it has a silly name.

It also has a silly grinning face.

And wait till you see
what they've done to the inside.

Lamborghini and Porsche go to great lengths
with their light supercars

to conceal how and where
all the weight has been saved.

Ferrari were going to do that,

but then they just decided that there's a really
good restaurant opposite the factory,

and they went there instead
and just had some lunch.

Look at itl

There are no carpets,

there's no satellite navigation,

no stereo,

no frills at all and it appears to have been
welded together by apes.

You might imagine that because this
is missing 100kg of weight and equipment,

it would be considerably less expensive
than the standard car.

But no - that is L172,000.

It's L43,000 more!

There's more bad news too.

It's got an even more complicated
computer system than the normal 430.

Wires mean that it can change gear
in 60 milliseconds,

and that, Ferrari say,
is faster than you can blink.

That was 75 milliseconds.

Come on, quicker, quicker!

Right, I'm ready for a race.
Here we go,

can it change gear
faster than I can blink? Are we ready?

Steady.

It can!

In addition to the computerized gearbox,
it's got silicone brakes...

...and an electronic differential.

Then, there's this switch.

When it's here, the traction control is on.

When it's here, it's on a bit less.

When it's here, it's off,
but the stability control is still on.

Then, if I put it here,
beep-beep to tell me everything's off.

And now the suspension's been firmed up
but I can make it soft again by pushing that.

And if I had a side parting and adenoids...
(Nasal) I'd find all this very interesting.

I'd come round to your house
and tell you all about how it works.

Even the shape of the body
is computer-designed with speed in mind.

It has winglets at the front,

and at the back there's an undertray which
sucks you onto the road as you go along.

So, the faster you go,
the more grip you have.

One of the things that really annoys me
in most cars

is that there are no slats at the back
to vent air out of the rear wheel arches,

which of course increases pressure
and slows you down,

but in this, it has the slats.

Oh, yeah, definitely.

All this speed is as a result of those sla...

Actually, that is quite a lot of speed.

(Laughs)

Yeah, that was quite a lot.

I wonder if it comes with bog roll?

I'm doing this road test all wrong.

Cos I'm mocking all this technology,

and that's not really fair.

It's not like Ferrari aftershave,

or that stupid carbon-fiber crash helmet they'll
sell you to match the trim of your car -

that stuff's for idiots.

I want the computers, but I don't want them
to be the be-all and end-all of everything,

like they are in the standard 430.

I want them to be... there,

but hidden away, buried under
a big thick layer of something else.

And in the Scuderia... they are.

This is not only lighter than the standard car,
but lower too.

It has fatter tires and more power.

It feels like it was designed
by Michael Schumacher...

...and that's because, in part, it was.

Now, I've got my foot buried
into where the carpet used to be

and 510 brake horsepower
is roaming around the engine bay.

Naught to 60 is dealt with
in three and a half seconds.

Flat out, it'll be nudging 200.

Round the Ferrari test track they claim
this is actually quicker than an Enzo.

That said, it is a tricky car to drive fast.

A knife-edge racer.

This is what a Ferrari should be like.
(Italian accent) You make mistake, I kill.

Whoa!

Oh, dear, that's not gone well.

It feels... It feels like a street brawler.

It's angry!

It feels like it wants to goose your mother,

vomit in one of your flower beds,

go to the pub, get drunk
and kick someone's head in.

But listen, listen to the noise.

(Engine roars)

You only have to flex your big toe.
Oh!

(Engine roars)

It's like God having really unusual sex.

Oh, there we are, he's finished.

I cannot tell you
how happy it makes me feel...

...to be driving a proper Ferrari again.

(Applause)

So much better than a normal one.

I tell you what this car is,

it is like the bastard love child
of Stephen Hawking and Rambo.

And now we must find out
how fast it goes round our track.

Which means handing it over
to our tame racing driver.

Some say that after making love,
he bites the head off his partner.

(Laughter)

And that he's had to give up binge drinking
now that it's got to L1.18 a liter.

(Laughter)

All we know is, he's called the Stig.

He's off, and listen to the fury and
mighty vengeance of that 4.3 liter V8,

as he powers up to the first corner.

He's there already. A little four-wheel drift
on the way in there.

Feathering the throttle and he's through.
That is very neat.

0oh, of course,
the Scuderia doesn't have a stereo,

so, no Stig audio nonsense,

just the sound of Italian
mechanical rock and roll,

or bewop, as we call it.

Just look how neat it is.

It's staggering.
Two gallons of fuel gone already,

and... he's through the hammerhead.

This... Compared to the normal 430,
the Scuderia has new inlets, new exhaust,

a whole extra computer
just to control the spark plugs.

Yet, despite the extra power,
Stig doesn't even need to lift...

Coming up to the second to last,
look how controlled it is through there,

and again through Gambon,
and across the line.

- (Applause)
- Yeah!

It's gonna be up there.
It's gonna be up there.

It did it in 1:19.7,
so, it actually goes there,

which means that it may be faster
than the Enzo round Ferrari test tracks,

but it's not faster round ours.

It's time now to move on

and put some stars
in our reasonably priced car.

My guests tonight, well, one of them
has very long hair and is from Bristol,

the other one is from the Midlands
and is gay,

but surprisingly, it isn't James May
and Richard Hammond.

It is in fact Justin Lee Collins
and Alan Carr.

(Applause and cheering)

- Have a seat.
- Thank you.

The men from what was
The Friday Night Project...

How was it out there?

- Terrifying.
- Was it?

Yes, really scary.

In a Lacetti?

Yeah,
but you're going very fast in the Lacetti.

- Hitting 80 sometimes.
- (Laughter)

Some hairpin turns.

I kept doing that mirror, signal, maneuver,
and then I realized there was no other cars.

I kept indicating, I'm serious.

I have to say though,
for you it went quite smoothly today.

- Yes.
- And for you, not so smoothly.

No.

We've actually got some clips of Justin
attempting his practice runs.

- Anyone wanna see these?
- (Audience) Yes!

Let's just have a look at Justin's first attempt
at getting round the track.

Here we go, second to last corner and...
0h, nol

Whoa!

That's a long way from the trackl

And here we go, Chicago,
that's understeer and that's...

This isn't good, I'm off-road.

I'm off-road!

I'm back on-road.

- I just killed a rabbit.
- (Laughter)

- Did you get the rabbit?
- Yeah.

- Did you get it?
- I think I got a rabbit.

Good, we'll go and pick that up later,
that's supper - mm, yum!

Was the Stig nice to you?

Very nice, yeah.

It's Nigel Havers.

(Laughter)

Forgive me for doing this so early on,

I've gotta know, cos... What is a gay car?

I dunno. I'm not very clued up on cars.
I don't know...

Are you the gay one?

- Yeah, that's me!
- Oh, you're the gay one!

- (Laughter)
- Right, so, you then...

I don't know the makes of cars,
so I'm not that good.

I remember...
I was telling you, weren't I?

I remember when I came down to London,
me car, before I had me Mini,

and I rang up for the congestion charge
and she said "What make is your car?"

I said "I don't know."

- Don't be so impertinent.
- I know!

Did it not say on the steering wheel?

I'm on the phone, I can't look.
I can't multitask, I'm gay.

(Laughter)

I've been looking at your car history -
what've you had?

I've had a lot of... What's it called?

Because I do stand-up comedy,

before, I couldn't afford a car,

so, I had to hire a car, and so,
cos I'm quite tight, I'd get the smallest one.

Is it a Cinquento?

Nearly. Cinquecento.

- Cinquechee.
- Is Italian.

- Is Italian for 500.
- I don't know anything.

500. Just say 500.

500.

And they'd always be bright yellow,

so you've got the shame
of driving a Cinquecento,

and people going
"Oh, look, it's Mr. Happy."

So, I had one of those,
then I had a Smart car.

- I thought you were joking about that.
- No, I did,

I was driving along
and this bin liner flies out -

- I nearly drive inside a bin liner in a Smart car.
- (Laughter)

I'm trying to find me lights...

- In a Smart car...
- They are awful cars.

It's kind to the environment, small cars -
is that something that bothers you?

Well, listen, that's the good thing
about having a Cinquento,

cos you can't car-pool,
cos you can't fit anyone in.

That's a very good point.

Would you pick up anyone? Have you seen
the people on the motorway?

There's always some tramp waving you down
with a prostitute's head, going...

- (Laughter)
- Going to York.

Stay here!

So, your car history, then. Any better, or?

Started with an Escort,
then I had two Ford Orions.

Oh, Christ!

So, my car now is a new shape Honda Civic,
based on your review.

- The review on this program?
- The review on this show.

You bought a car on the strength
of what James May said?

He's got long hair and he's from Bristol,
you can't go wrong.

Is insurance an issue with you guys?

- It is for you.
- It is for me.

- Why for you?
- I lied for... Oh, can you say I lied for ages?

(Laughter)

- If you're not lying now, we'll get way with it.
- I'm not.

I was a schoolteacher
who never left the house for a few years.

(Laughter)

But then when I got on the telly,
I thought I'd better, because it is a bit...

I thought, if I ever run anyone over,
and they realize it was me,

- I'd have to reverse and kill them.
- (Laughter)

You had Jamie Oliver in your car
the other day.

No, you were in Jamie Oliver's car.

Yeah, we were. He took us off-road.

Before we got in the car,
he gave us a bin liner each to put on,

and he said "You'll need those."

What was he going to do to you,
for God's sake?

That was the start.

Then he gave us both a massive cream pie

and big jugs of water.

Said "Buckle up, we're going for a ride."

I'm sorry. Jamie Oliver invites you
down to his house,

and then makes you go in his Land Rover
in a bin liner with a cream pie?

Yes, and a gimp mask.

- Yeah.
- (Laughter)

No, that's a lie.

He's been eating too many weeds,
that's the trouble.

And we go all over, didn't we?

Up and down, and whoever had
the most pie and water in the thing won.

So, we're like this.

I've glassed you, haven't I?

(Laughter)

I'm wearing most of the cake as a brooch.

I got my cream pie all in his lap.

Nice.

- It turns out my dinner...
- (Laughter)

...my dinner parties are all wrong.

Now, your show was the Friday Night Project,
is now the Sunday Night Project.

So, you're paid to host this show,

and then you get someone else
to come and host the show.

- Yeah.
- It really works.

(Laughter)

It's annoying that, for me.
We have to pay Richard and James,

who just bugger off at this point,
and smoke outside.

James doesn't smoke.
His mother doesn't know.

(Laughter)

Now, the other one as well is, you spend a
long time with the guest hosts on your show.

- Yeah.
- Are they a nightmare?

Steven Seagal was a bit hard, weren't he?

The first thing he said when he came in
"Are you two (BLEEP)?"

(Laughter)

I was like, "Enchanté, Mr. Seagal,
you're so witty!"

That was bleeped. What he said
was fornicating - are you two...

- Oh, they've bleeped it. Sorry.
- No, it's all right.

We said yes just to mess with his mind.
Yes, we are.

Yes, we are. Would you like to see?

- Imagine the children.
- (Laughter)

Now, your laps. Obviously this is an unusual
thing, as we've got two people rather than one,

so it isn't just a question of,
who do you think you've beaten here?

Who wants to go first?

- Alan.
- Alan?

- You go first.
- No, Alan.

Unfortunately,
I don't know why I asked you that,

cos you'll go in whichever order
they are in the machine.

Oh, right.

We're starting with... I've no idea
who it's going to be and it is...

Who's that?
Who could it be?

Come on, Bristol Flyer!

It's youl

More successful this time
than you were in the warm-up laps?

Let's have a look. Coming up to the first
corner now. Cutting in the stabilizers...

Ooh!

- That's it.
- God, that was closel

Chicago. Go off again this time?

This is a wild drive.

# My, my Delilah...

Right, here we are, the hammerhead,
it's the tricky one.

We've got a stopwatch as you cross this line
there. You were at one minute five seconds.

# I saw the flickering lights...

- This is quick. I'm impressed by this.
- Really?

- # She was my woman
- I'm not impressed by that.

(Laughter)

#... watched and went out of my mind #

And into the second to last corner.

And coming up now, it's Gambon next.

There it is. Wide, you've gone wide there
but you then cross the line.

(Applause)

- Slow.
- No, you weren't!

It's slow.

I haven't beaten Gambon.

I haven't beaten Gambon, that was slow.

You did it in one minute fifty... one...

- Ah!
...point eight.

So, you go and give him
a round of applause, everyone,

- because he did it faster than Helen Mirren.
- (Applause)

You beat Helen Mirren.

Well done!

You are officially a faster driver
than Helen Mirren.

That's as close to Helen Mirren
as I'm ever gonna get. I love her.

Enjoy it, you could be there a while.

- Thank you.
- Shall we have a look at your lap?

- Yeah!
- Ready, everybody? Play the tape.

0h, dear, he's gone wrong already.

It's the handbrake.

(Laughter)

And we're off.

Oh, no, stop!

Now, this is looking...

"slow" is the word I'm looking for.

(Alan) I thought I was quite fast.

- That's tidy.
- (Bleep)

(Laughter)

What this is is tidy.

Stig's gonna be so proud of me for that one.

(Laughter)

You definitely were listening to the Stig,
weren't you?

Yeah.

You see, the slower you go...

He told me, go up to fourth gear
for the fast bits,

and it was a revelation.

There we go, this is fourth gear.

Fourth, still fourth.

- Whoa, it's quick!
- He told me fourth gear.

That is quick. Now we've got
the second to last corner.

(Alan) I look like 0live from 0n The Buses.

- (Laughter)
- She's in that other car.

Here we go and he's across the line,
he's made it.

- (Applause)
- That was quick. Quicker than yours.

Definitely quicker.

Sub-1:50, definitely. That was quick.

Ready?

What was yours? One fifty one...

Point eight.

You were one fifty one...

...two.
- Oh!

- You are the quickest.
- Ah!

- (Applause)
- Give him a big hand, everybody.

Have a look at that.

Oh, my God!

Oh, thank you. Oh, my God!

- Are you feeling humiliated?
- Yes, I was beaten by a much better man.

I was listening to a bit of Smooth FM,
that chilled me out.

But you had a really smooth start,
bang on the lines.

- Oh, yes.
- Really smooth, looked slow, is faster.

Looked slow, is faster - what a lovely thing,
I'll put that on my gravestone.

(Laughter)

"He looks slow but he drove fast."

Listen, guys, it's been an absolute joy
having you here.

Ladies and gentlemen, JLC and Alan Carr!

- (Applause)
- Thank you so much.

Now, you know those police crash action,
stop, kill, emergency programs?

They're always full of brilliant stuff like this.

(Sirens)

Yeah, OK, that's great.

Then the announcer comes on and he goes,
"We got a clip from England land,"

and you die of shame
cos you know what's coming next.

Here we go, yeah.

It's a fat bobby in an Astra
and he's driven onto someone's lawn

to get away from a teenager
who's throwing pebbles at him.

- (Laughter)
- Now, the problem is,

that the British police daren't crash their cars,

cos they haven't got enough money
to fix them up again.

That gave us an idea.

Why spend L9,000
on a brand-new Astra diesel?

Buy used cars, then when you crash them,
just get another.

So, the producers
gave each of us a thousand quid,

told us to buy something which we thought
would work as a police car.

Then we were told to go to
the Top Gear Technology Centre,

where we'd be given
a number of challenges.

I was the first to arrive.

OK, what I've got here is a Fiat Coupé.

I paid L900 for it, so the police could buy
getting on for ten of these,

for the cost of one Astra,

and this is the 20-valve five-cylinder
turbo version,

so it does 152 miles an hour.

And of course, if it were ever to appear on
one of those police crash accident programs,

it would make our officers look rakish.

Sadly, the same couldn't be said
of James's car.

Masonry opens door, James.

- Here, look, let me show you.
- Morning.

To join the police
you have to be in the Masons.

You've got a Mason's car, therefore
I'm doing the secret handshake. (Laughs)

Morning.

- It's a Lexus, James.
- It is, yes.

- And you paid?
- L900.

You could've had one of these.
I paid 900 for that. Much better.

- OK, the police has a recruitment problem.
- Yes.

So, you've got an advert saying
"Wanted, policeman to spend all day

"driving around in very boring Lexus",

or "Policeman wanted to drive 20-valve
turbocharged R-registered Fiat Coupé."

To the garage.

- There's nothing wrong with it.
- Not yet.

0ur argument was then brought
to a shuddering halt.

- (Laughs)
- It is!

Officer Barmy has arrived.

(Laughs)

Yeah!

- They all run round in Range Rovers.
- This is the police, not a hairdressing salon.

You see police in Range Rovers all the time.

This is a budget,
but I think pretty nifty alternative.

It is an 1994 Suzuki Vitara 1.6 JLX SE.

How will it look when you go
to someone's house

to tell them their husband's just been killed
in an industrial accident?

(Laughs)

# Deedly-dee-dee, deedly-dee-dee,
dee-dee-dee-dee-dee-dee!

James and Richard then set about
my Don Johnson-mobile.

So you're gonna climb into the cab of the
AA recovery vehicle and say "Follow that."

"You're nicked and have you got a fan belt
for an old Fiat, cos it's back there."

But I retaliated
by demonstrating a special feature.

Can you open the boot?

- You see?
- Yeah.

An armed siege, OK?

I'm pinned down in the car by Robert De Niro.

I need to get at my M16. I just come through
here without getting out of the car.

It really was time for a challenge.

We don't yet know what we've got to do.

Well, if it's go to Brighton and pose undercover
in gay clubs, you're right there already.

(Laughter)

- We've got a challenge here, boys.
- Don't let it have the word Brighton in it.

"Now that you have your cars,
you must each use your skill and ingenuity

"to turn them into the perfect modern
police car, for no more than L500."

"You must meet up at the track for a series
of tests to find out which one is best."

(James) A few days, and several pots of paint
later, we were ready,

and I was the first to arrive.

Morning all.

Here's what I've done.
Classic British police livery, classic stripes,

the inverted plant-pot blue light,
as you'd expect,

and a mission statement for the modern age -

"Catching crims and locking them up,
in your community."

Oh, good God, the Carabinieri have arrived.

Feast upon my magnificence.

Hang on, stand aside. What's that?

Boadicea conquered the entire Roman army
using something very similar to this,

so I should be able to easily conquer
four hoodies in a stolen Datsun.

What if you pull up by the pavement
and women and children are walking about?

They'll have their legs cut off.

"In jail no one can hear you scream" - scary.

Boadicea wheel attachments - scary.

You, presumably, have nothing.

Wrong - these four nozzles...

- Yeah.
...are paint guns.

So, you drive in front of the crims
who are trying to get away.

These fire a great cloud of pink paint
all over the windscreen

and they have to stop cos they can't see.

All you'll do with this is generate headlines -
police chop more people's feet off.

All you're going to do with this
is respray the front of people's cars.

James then demonstrated his siren...

- (Chiming tune)
...which he'd got from an ice-cream van.

They're gonna be really impressed with that
on an American police video.

No, they stop for an ice cream
and then they're nicked.

Mine was much more hi-tech.

(Cow mooing)

No, wait, that's the cow.

Things were not going well...

...and then they got worse.

- (Neighing)
- Oh, God in heaven!

The Pet Cop Boys are here.

- Yeah.
- No, wait, The Police.

Yeah, well, the police are coming -
the police.

# Da-do-do-do, da-da-da-da #

You saw me coming, didn't you?

One problem the police face - getting someone
out of the way with blues and twos on.

I've got a lot of blues and twos -
they will see me coming.

I've gotta ask, OK?

- You noticed that.
- Yeah, this is...

It's genius. It's a stinger.

OK, you get word over your radio
that you might need to stop a baddie.

Rather than pulling out and blocking
with your car, which is dangerous,

you just stop very quickly and then...

It was unmistakably a doormat
with some nails in it,

so we moved on.

"A police car has to be fast.

"To see how quick your cars are,

"the Stig will now drive one timed lap

"in the standard British police issue
Vauxhall Astra diesel.

"All you have to do is beat his time
in your cars.

"Bonus points will be awarded
for flamboyant driving style,

"which will look good
on a police kill action program."

- Yes.
- Yes!

- Right!
- Flamboyant and fast.

Only one person can win this.

Three, two, one.

(Siren)

He's proceeding in a westerly direction.

Giving the British police cars like that
to save money

is the same as the Queen saying "Changing
the guard, they can all wear Primark."

Here come the British army, they're wearing
beach towels because that saves money.

How would the Blues Brothers have looked?

And there he is. How long?

One minute forty-eight.

1.48 is quicker than most of our celebrities
drive round here in the Lacetti.

- Is it?
- Yes. "Is it?"!

Then it was our turn,

and The Gentle Touch went first.

Three, two, one, go.

- Well, that began.
- He pulled away.

I pulled away.

Sadly, James's idea of flamboyant driving
isn't quite the same as everyone else's.

That'll look excellent.

I wonder if it's got traction control.

I don't think it's necessary.

A tire squeal from the 1970s.

Left.

I hope you like prison food, crims.

Looking good.

Cock.

- A bit of tire squeal.
- We better get out of the way.

(Laughs)

Oh!

Can I help you, sir?

That's not bad.

It's two minutes point 03.

Two minutes, James!

I was next to give it a bash in my Fiat.

But before I do, I wanna make it look good,
so I brought this.

- Oo-er.
- Right, you're on your own.

You see, you go for the soft focus.

Now, when I set off,
that swooping J turn, soft focus.

(Richard) You're just going for extra points
for flamboyance.

Oh, damn and blast!

- Oh, that's good.
- A lot of points there.

Are we in soft focus as well?

No.

Ah, I fear my...

Yes, I fear the Boadicea wheel attachments
have affected the wheel balance somewhat.

- It wasn't an option on the original car.
- No Boadicea spikes.

You didn't hear people saying,
"I've got a Fiat Coupé,

"it's great, but I just wish the rear wheels
were a bit heavier and out of balance."

Gotta look good. They're gonna cut in
for a shot of the driver.

I hear a lot of noise, but not a lot of movement.
It's very much like Jeremy, that car.

- I'm suggesting getting back.
- Yeah.

I'm thinking further.
With those things on the side.

Further still.

And then a flourish to the finish...

...and flash the lights.

What about that?

What did I do it in?

Two minutes dead. (Laughs)

Two minutes and eight seconds.

- What, slower than yours?
- Yes, sir.

But without the J turn.

You chose to do the J turn.
We didn't make you.

You can't go up to a villain as a police officer,
"I didn't mean that."

Can you come back
while I do my J turn again?

- Do you mind?
- What?

- Accept I won.
- Well, you just didn't.

And finally,
from the Streets 0f San Francisco.

One, go!

Yeah.

- He's got four-wheel drive, hasn't he?
- Yeah.

I lose the drama of the start
but at least it means I can go... (Bang)

I'm not in four-wheel drive anymore.

Painfully slow.

How can I do flamboyant driving in this?
I need points.

Oh, no, he's broken the thing off.
He's broken his tongue.

- I deployed my stinger there.
- Is he still on the...

Hello!

Oh, yeah, look at that!

That'll look good in slow-motion.

- You never thought to do that.
- I didn't.

Past the gratuitous boxes.

That was to make it look good.

Step back, because who knows,
handling-wise, what might happen there.

It's packing up.

- It's gotta be points off for that.
- Yeah. That's not flamboyant.

(Jeremy laughs)

There's an electrical problem.

Three minutes fourteen.
Have you seen the front of your car?

Yeah, but, you see, you get points
for flamboyance, remember.

Think of the spectacle I've just given.

I'm gonna give you a big push and off.

- Go.
- (Engine sputters)

What is it? Ambitious but rubbish.

(Richard) For our next challenge we were told
to hot-foot it to the scene of an accident.

(Ice-cream chimes)

"As you can see, the road has been blocked
with a crash." This here. You see?

"Normally, it would take authorities six hours
to get the road open again.

"You will now demonstrate that it's possible
to be much quicker than that."

Well, it is, we don't have to
wrap them all in tinfoil blankets,

we don't have to offer them counseling,

we don't have to fill in health and safety forms
until a week on Tuesday.

- We can clear this in no time.
- This is our chance to prove it.

"If you haven't got the job done in two minutes,
motorists will be allowed to pelt you with food."

Good idea.

(James) With the clock ticking, Richard and I
decided to take care of the cars,

while Jeremy took care of the wounded.

We were working well as a team.

I'm towing that car!

Sort of.

I've got a live one here.

And as a result,
we had most of the wreckage...

...and the bigger body parts,
cleared in good time.

The road is clear.

While we've been busy at the crash scene,
the real police had turned up.

They wanted to demonstrate the official
procedure for stopping a stolen car.

The operator will dispatch a police vehicle.

Yeah, Hotel Papa Nine One,
Lima Three Seven Five, Tango Papa Tango,

a BMW, color silver, lost/stolen report. Proceed.

Throughout this, the pursuing vehicle
will be giving a commentary

for all the vehicles
that are engaged in this stop.

The vehicle is failing to stop, failing to stop.

The vehicles will be given instructions
to move off by the pursuing vehicle.

It does seem like quite a faff.

- It is a palaver, to be honest.
- Very involved.

You know they have to fulfill 13 separate health
and safety criteria before they can do this.

He could be abroad by then.

Once the criteria's fulfilled,
they will attempt to stop the vehicle.

Nearside, nearside.

And under the instruction
of the grand commander,

they will get the vehicle into position,

where they can surround it,
box it and stop it.

Just wind the window down,
draw alongside and blow his head off.

Or, ram him off the road.

Keep it rolling.

The police won't ram him off the road

because their cars are valuable -
about 30 grand each.

Straighten up and stop, stop, stop.

This is where our idea comes in.

And for once, the challenge
was just what we'd hoped for.

"You will now demonstrate to the police

"how your cheap cars can be used
to stop a stolen car,

"without using L125,000 worth of Volvo,
the RAF,

"and 16 health and safety forms.

"And just to make your task
that little bit harder,

"the BMW will be driven by... Ronnie Stiggs."

Oh!

Keen to try out his paint gadget,
Inspector Morose went first.

There goes a member of the criminal classes.

So, we're now watching James
in a hot pursuit situation?

Yeah. How long have you got
before you have to go home tonight?

- He's shuffling!
- He's giving it the police shuffle.

Shuffling the wheel according to
the police roadcraft driving manual.

- Hang on, James's plan is to deploy his paint.
- Yes.

Now that relies entirely
upon him being in front of anybody else.

(James) Luckily, I had a plan.

Right, watch this.

(Jeremy) I know what he's doing.

He's gonna wait for him to come round again,
and then pick him up.

I can see the miscreant approaching
in my rear-view mirror.

But this sitting around waiting for the baddie
to come round again!

It could work on the M25 perhaps.

(Ice-cream van chime)

He's pounced, he's pounced.

- Now, is he deploying?
- No!

- Oh, I say!
- It works, look at the windscreen!

- It works!
- That is brilliant.

I'm amazed.

Sadly, there was one invention
James hadn't considered.

- (Richard laughs)
- Well, he's just put his wipers on!

(James) So, would Hammond have any success?

So, a 1.6 liter... salon.

Come on, come on, come on, give chase!

No, look, that's pathetic.

I'm a police officer, I shall never give up.

- Ah!
- Ah, you see!

Now, thanks to four-wheel drive,

I could intercept the Stig
and deploy my stinger.

(Jeremy) This is L900 plus a bit of doormat
with some nails in it. Here we go.

Ha-ha-ha-ha!

(Jeremy, laughing) He missed!

- (James) Oh, no, he's driven round it.
- (Both laugh)

The stinger needs to be longer.

(James) Now, all hope of succeeding in this
challenge rested with Commodore Clarksonio.

In Jeremy's mind,
this is already a magnificent spectacle.

What I like to do is play music... loud.

It scares the hell out of them.

It's Robert Duvall, mate.

I'm gonna try something
the Americans call pitting.

If I put my car along his rear wing
and push his back end out.

He counter-steers, I then brake
and of course, it shoots the other way.

Unfortunately,
none of what I just said happened.

So, there's nothing for it.

I'm gonna deploy my Boadiceas.

I don't think he'll take Stiggs alive.

Any second now.

Oh, that's uncomfortable.

I presume at some point

- there's gonna be a simply hideous accident.
- Yeah.

Come on!

Yeah, take that!

(Richard) I think it could be time
to admit failure.

- See.
- That could've been, erm...

Something's gone wrong with the handling.

You lot failed to apprehend the miscreant.

We are rubbish.

We're not doing as well
as we thought we would.

(Applause)

OK...

...the scores.

Right, the scores, so here we go.

First, cost - you got a point for every pound
you were under a thousand,

so, James, a hundred for you, Jeremy,
a hundred, two hundred and fifty.

- Was your car 750 quid?
- Yes, it was.

- (Laughter)
- It was.

Then speed. You get a point for every
second you were faster than the Stig,

or lose one for every one you were slower.

James, minus 12 for you,
minus 20, Jeremy, minus 72 for me.

Rightly so.

Then flamboyance.
How flamboyantly you drove.

I've got the judges' results here.

James, they said you weren't flamboyant,
you got nothing, sorry.

- (Laughter)
- No points at all.

Then Jeremy,
neither were you, none, sorry.

- I did a J turn!
- You put Vaseline on the lens,

- we couldn't see it, you fool!
- That's rubbish!

I got a point for driving through the boxes.

Your tongue fell off.

A bit, a bit. I made it.

- This is ridiculous!
- Finally, the decider, arresting the Stig.

OK, James, you got nothing for that.

- That gives you 88.
- You didn't get him.

I got nothing, so that gives me 179.

You've been building up tension,
haven't you?

So, if I get a hundred for my Boadiceas,
I've won.

- Yeah.
- Did I?

- No, funnily enough, no.
- (Laughter)

- You got 98, which means you get 178.
- (Laughter)

- I'm sorry, no, hang on, hang on.
- (Applause)

No!

Show me... where it says I conveniently
ended up with one point less than you.

- No.
- (Laughter)

You've eaten it?

Yes, I have.

(Laughter)

Well, since I'm not prepared
to go through your stools in the morning...

Oh, well.

...we have to conclude that the best car
for the British police

is a Suzuki Vitara
with a doormat on the front.

- (Laughter)
- Yes.

And on that blatant lie, it's time to end.

Thanks for watching,
we'll see you next week.

Or, if you're watching this on Dave,
we'll see you in a minute.

Take care, bye-bye.

(Applause)