Top Gear (2002–…): Season 1, Episode 5 - Episode #1.5 - full transcript

Richard turns a Rover 820 into a cut-price Bond car, complete with gadgets, on a £300 budget. Richard goes to Germany to drive the £280,000 Mercedes Maybach 62, while Jeremy tries to test drive the much cheaper Mercedes-Benz S Class. The Stig drives the Bentley Arnage around the test track. Jonathan Ross is the Star In A Reasonably Priced Car.

In tonight's Top Gear,

the most relaxing way to spend
280,000 pounds on a car,

Richard reveals our budget Bond car,

and a floppy-haired star in our reasonably-priced car.

But first, 10 years ago,

if you wanted air-conditioning,
anti-lock brakes, or an airbag,

you have to buy a big expansive car.

But today, it's all available on
a simple family hatchback like this Golf.

So, to work out what sort of kits
are gonna be fitted a standard

to the standard family cars of the future,

all you have to do is look at the stuff



that is being fitted to today's big expansive cars.

And the king of the big expansive cars is

the technological trailblazer of the last 30 years -

The S-Class Mercedes-Benz.

This is the latest S-Class,

now available with a very economical,
twin-turbo, six-litre..

I don't mean 'economical,' do I? It's a wrong word.

Massive. Massive V12 engine.

But I'm not really interested in that.

I'm more interested in the toys.

But before I could check them out,
I have to get in character.

If you could just pop my briefcase
in the car for me, thank you.

See, what he doesn't realise is,
he's not gonna be able to,

'cause I've got this little credit card in my pocket.



Now, when I walk up to the car,
it'll recognise that and open itself.

You'll not do it? No, sir.

Perfectly simple, look, you just walk up
and open the door like that.

Thank you, and now you are sacked.

There we are.

As long as you've got this in your pocket,

you don't need a key to start it either.

You just touch the top of the gear lever.

And that's just the start of it.

That tells me how many malfunctions
there are in the car,

it's German, so zer're none.

There are 140 motors in this car,
only 1 of which is the engine.

This button here raises and lowers
the rear roller blind.

This one, if you push it once,

car goes up a little bit if you want to
go a little bit off-road,

If you've got the Sport Suspension engaged,

and you go around a left-handed corner,

you're thrown this way,
it'll actually tighten that bolster,

it'll pull you around to hold you in the seat.

That lowers the rear head restraint,

quite good fun that,
if someone's fallen asleep in the back.

And if you push this one, where it says PULSE,

these inflate and deflate and move about,

so it's really like having a little
Vietnamese girl in there

massaging you as you drive along.

This one is the telephone, perfectly straight-forward,

it's kept in here.

That's the satellite-navigation, that's the CD player.

And you can memorise all the
seat positions on these things here,

you just push that, that's my driving position,

that can be my wife's, and that could be my butler's.

Sad, of course, I've sacked him.

Naturally, they're stuffed and padded
with Amazonian coconut husks.

This one turns off the audible parking sensors,

this one engages Sport Suspension,

and best of all, if you have an accident,

in the time it takes to yell,

no matter how you've got the seat arranged,

it'll go BOOF and arrange itself,

so that you're perfectly positioned from
being hurled into the airbag.

Makes crashing very comfortable.

It's got 4 aerials in each one of the pillars.

These are all the radio stations that it can pick up,

some of them aren't even from this planet.

Now, this one enables me to select how long

I want the rear number plate light
to stay on after I get out tonight.

What kind of a meeting did they have where they went,

"Have we thought of everything here?
So, rear number plate light."

"How long should they stay on
after zey get out of ze car?"

Dial name.

The name, please.

Wilman.

Dialing.

This is the producer of the show,
we can just ring him up,

I don't need to take my hands off the wheel or anything.

Probably in the Ivy having Peach and Peacock.

"Just getting in the car park,
can I call you in 2 secs when I get in the office?"

There you go, you see?
Doesn't even want to talk to me.

The only problem with this feature is that

you have to teach it all the
various numbers and names,

and that can be quite tricky.

Store name.

The number, please.

0-7-7-1-0.

2-7-7-1-0?

You see, that's now what I said, is it?

Now listen, woman, when I speak to you.

3-4-9.

2-4-9?

I said 3!

7-1-0? Please continue.

No, you've got it wrong!

0-2-0?

2-6-7?

1-0-1-0? Dial number.

Shut up!

Store number.

Shut up!

Delete number. Confirm number. Correction.

Pardon?

I haven't said anything yet. Store..

Function not possible at this time.

I am not going to be defeated here.

3-4-9.

2-0-0-5-2-4-9?

3-4-9.

The number is deleted. Please continue.

2-4-9?

Why don't you listen!

Dialing.

No, don't dial!

I don't know who that is, that might be the Queen!

0-3-3.

0-3-3?

Store.

Name and number are stored.

Yes! We're there! We're there!

Then we've got these buttons down here.

This one repeats the last instruction
from the satellite-navigation,

this one steers you around
tailbacks that are ahead of you,

this one brings up a map of where you are..

It's gone dark.

When did that happen?

I haven't finished yet.

Delete 'Radio 1' forever.

Would you like to delete 'Wilman'?

No, I don't want to delete 'Wilman'.

I've just put him in, I've been hours
putting him in all afternoon!

Cancel.

What? Have you cancelled him? I've just put him in!

No! No, no, no! No!

You didn't drive that!

No, and I can explain why.

This, okay? This is Simon Schama's new book,
History of Britain.

He manages to condense into 558 pages, okay?

The whole history of Britain.

These are the handbooks for the Mercedes,

720 pages, before you can set off!

Longer than the history of Britain? Exactly.

But if we get all these clever toys
on just ordinary cars

in the future, in 10 years' time or whenever,

we won't go anywhere, will we?

Not quickly, no.

I mean, you won't be able to pop to the shop any more

without having to just get the brightness
just so on the vanity mirror light.

"Just a little bit more,
it's on Page 486 of the handbook."

But I did eventually get this going,

and i took it to the one place
where it absolutely shines.

It's here on the motorway that
we find the most astonishing feature of them all.

The radar-guided cruise control.

Let me show you how it works.

I set it to 70mph, like so,

foot off the accelerator, and I'm doing 70. But watch,

if I pull on to the inside lane behind this truck,

I'm not touching the brakes!
I'm not touching anything!

And we're slowing down!

It's gonna get me to 150ft behind that truck,

and I'll stay at that distance,

doing the same speed that it's doing forever.

And then, when I've had enough,

I simply pull into the middle lane.

Trucks are no longer there, it recognises that,

and we are speeding up again.

Follow the road until further instructions.

So, if you think about it,

satellite-navigation's telling me where to go,

the cruise control's making sure
I don't crash into anything,

the lights will come on when it goes dark,

the wipers will come on if it starts to rain,

what am I for?

I know this costs 85,000 pounds, but really,

it is worth every single penny.

It's a fabulous, fabulous car.

However, Audi thinks it has an Achilles' Heel.

They think there's a chink in its armor,

and they've slipped in there with their rival for it -

the A8.

It seems to be the same as the Mercedes.

Quite a lot cheaper, around 60,000 pounds,

but still big, imposing, and very German.

There's the same number of toys, too,

and the same astonishing attention to detail.

Like Mercedes, Audi employ a team of people
who check every car

before it leaves the factory,

to make sure that the smell coming
from this piece of leather on a steering wheel

doesn't clash with the smell coming
from this piece of leather, or this piece.

So they're like Smellious,

obviously they couldn't get a job
in the German wine industry, could they?

They had to work for the car firms.

However, there are some subtle differences
between this and the Mercedes.

Its V8 engine feels more muscular than the Merc's V12.

And it's louder, more 'there'.

With 4WD, it's more sure-footed
through the corners, too,

especially when it's raining,

so you feel more connected, more in charge,

less of a passenger.

The Audi then, is more of a
driver's car than the S-Class.

The steering is a bit dead,
like it is in all Audis actually.

But I can use this button here
to adjust the harshness of the suspension.

Put it in Dynamic, there we are.

And then I've got these paddles
behind the steering wheel

so I have some control over the Automatic gearbox.

This is the limosine GTi.

So it's better than the Merc? No.

Not even slightly.

You see, the thing is,
it is kind of better to drive for sure,

but the Mercedes is more refined and more comfortable.

The best way to describe the difference
between these two cars

is World Cup Final, okay?

10 million people watched that on the BBC,

2 million watched it on ITV.

Now ITV's coverage, might be Audi, just as good.

But when you take it on an institution like that,
all the BBC,

you can't be just as good,
you've got to be 20 times better.

And anyway, frankly, if you want a sporting limosine,

we've got something later in the programme

that blows this into the middle of next week.

So Audi have taken their swing at the Mercedes,

and they are sort of.. missed.

Jaguar are next to step into the
Ring of this heavy-weight contest with this,

their new XJ.

Well, not this exact one obviously,

on the ones they sell to real people,

they'll put some paint on it, I presume.

It is a handsome car, and it's long.

It's as long as the S-Class.

But that's not gonna be enough alone
to attempt the world's

plutocrats away from their beloved 3-pointed star,

it needs to be special.

And it still is inside,
you still get that cossetting feeling

with this high-centered console

and quite somber-dark wooden suedes of leather.

It's still a lot like riding in
a mobile gentlemen's club.

Don't be deceived, though.

Because behind that wooden leather veneer,

this is a very very high-tech car.

Think of it just being like a tweed spacesuit.

No no, I'll explain that, I promise.

You see, like the Audi, okay? It's made from aluminium.

But it's built in a complete different way.

This, okay? This is the Audi.

Now, it's got an aluminium skeleton,

onto which all the aluminium body panels are bolted,

so you've got the weight of the skeleton,

and then the weight of the panels.

Now, the Jaguar is more like a lobster, okay?

A lobster?

A lobster. It's got an excess skeleton.

What you see here, this is the structure. That's it.

A lobster? Exactly.

You don't get it, do you? No.

Do you get it? No. Yeah.

He gets it. You know exactly what I mean,

that means it's light,
it means they haven't got doubling up.

It means you're gonna go more speed,
you have more economy,

you'll be kinder to the environment.

A lobster?

Give it. Let's do the news, shall we?

Let's do the news.

Absolutely. And new news this week, new Nissan Almera,

well, it's kind of a face-lift really.

Couple of new engines,
couple of petrol engines on them,

diesels to follow.

But the most important thing
about the Almera that's changing

is the stupid names.

Now, on the old one, it's quite complicated.

They did an Almera E, that was the entry level.

They did a Sport+, and a Sport SE+,

but they also did a Twister and a Hurricane.

No, not a Nissan Almera Hurricane!

It's kind of just mad optimism, isn't it?

Hoping if we call it a 'Hurricane',
it'll be really exciting.

Here it is, the Nissan 'Light Breeze'
is coming toward us now.

The Nissan 'Whoops, There's A Draft
Coming In Somewhere'.

But the new one, they've an S, an SV, and an SVE,

so much easier for us.

The new Nissan 350Z here.

An astonishing good car, very pretty car,

and with quite a good bloodline.

Well, started off well with a 240Z back in 1969,

Nissan then made it a little bit worse with the 260,

worse again with the 280,

and then it got to the Nissan 300,
which was dangerously bad.

It really was that..?

Yeah, you just have to think about it,
that could kill you.

Just stop now. It's dangerous. Don't talk about that.

Whatever you're doing this at home,
don't think about it.

Leave it.

Anyway, they're back to basics now with the 350Z.

It's got a 3.5L V6 engine in the front,

it's got RWD, it's a two-seater,

and by all account,
it's absolutely wonderful to drive.

Except we're not gonna find out, because.. um..

All they can make for the next year
are going to the Septics and..

Septics being.. That's..?

Tanks. Americans. Yanks.

The Septics are having everything
they can make for a year.

And this is happening time and time again nowadays.

You know the Volvo XC90?

Great car, that 7-seater Volvo off-roader.

They've just put the launch date back

of that in Britain till the Spring,
'cause of the Septics,

Volkswagen Beetle, that was nearly a year,

that was completely out of date
by the time it got here because of the Septic.

So, actually, what the European car industry
needs to do, really,

oh, and Japanese, is to make a car that
they don't want.

Sort of American-proof?

American-proof car, you get the seat,

and you get a plaster cast of Kate Moss's bottom,

and then they won't get into it,

and then the cupholder, make it about that big,

just for a little espresso or some Red Bull.

Rather than this sort of..

Yeah, so they can't get their styrofoam buckets

with two gallons of water and half a granule of coffee.

"Hey, you wanna just go easy on that."

And the boot, okay?
The boot, exactly an inch shorter than a golf club.

Ooh. I think it's gonna go in,
but it just doesn't quite.

But sadly, they are making cars for the Americans,

and we just have to wait until
they've gorged themselves on.

Serious point now, in the papers this week,

Wiltshire County Council have, not just in villages,

but actually on the A360 as well,

removed the white lines, because they say,

"This will create a feeling of
uncertainty among drivers,"

"Making them more cautious."

Well yeah, it will.

No, that's actually not the laughy matter.

It's not a laughy matter, seriously.

Someone's going to die as a result of this.

Now, I don't mind if the environmentalists
who dream this kind of stuff up

sit at home with their Guardians,
what you do in the privacy of your kitchen is fine.

Eat your vegetables, wear your potato shoes,

don't bring your idiotic ideas onto the roads, okay?

Someone will be killed.

Another story from the newspaper this week,

about manufacturers making claims for their cars

of they're more economical than they actually are.

You know when you look at the MPG figures, you get 3,

there's the Urban, which is your town driving,
that's the lowest.

Extra-Urban, which is the highest figure,

that's for kind of motorway, fast stuff.

And the Combined when they do a difficult sum,
and they come up with a number.

What people are saying is those figures
are little optimistic.

Well, they are.

Because they test their cars
on rolling rod of machines,

they don't have..
They don't have no white lines to worry about.

They don't have traffic lights to slow down,

You know, the ones on Regent's Street
that are red for 2 minutes.

And that's what does you.

What I always do actually, a piece of information,

is basically look at the Urban figure.

Because as a general rule,
that's what you get out of a car.

The lowest figure,
the one that they say you get around towns,

your average figure will be that.

Except the car I've brought down this morning, okay?

From *ahem*Mercedes.

They say, look at this, this is my note paper here.

They say that the Combined figure,

that the average I'm supposed
to be able to do, is 19.9 mpg.

Now, on my system, the Urban figure is 13.5.

Would you like to guess what I actually did

from London down to the Top Gear base this morning?

10? 11? 6.5 miles to the gallon.

6.5. That's astonishing.

Right. Well, we've talked enough
about fat cat transport this evening,

now I'm gonna show you a car that
is movement for the masses.

And this car is so hot at the moment,

it's setting the used car market alight.

In fact, if you visit the Autotrader website,

you'll find that these cars are
getting in inquiry every 25 seconds,

7 days a week, 24 hours a day!

Every 25 seconds someone is looking for one of these.

So in the course of this programme,

144 people are trying to find a second-hand one.

It's the Peugeot 206.

So we know that you wanna buy one,
let's show you how to.

'Hard' to see why the 206 is on
so many shopping lists.

It's a nice car to drive,
and I don't mean soft and mushy.

I mean it's a really pleasant thing to be in.

And then, of course, there's those looks.

And although that is almost 4 years old,

it still looks absolutely great.

In fact, I'll bet you, if you buy one of those today,

in a couple of years' time,
it'll still look better than the rivals.

And it's classless, too.

It's got so much charm that it fits in anywhere.

And even though it's a mass-market car,

it's got enough character to
make anyone who drives it feel a bit special.

Which is quite a rare trick to pull off.

But let's get down to practicalities.

4 years into its life,
the 206 hasn't yet shown any big faults.

The main complaint is just squeaks and rattles

from poor trim finish.

The sunroof sliding mechanism,
in particular, can get worn,

so check this on your test drive.

But since most 206s come with
either a sunroof or air-conditioning,

you do have a choice.

You better off going for one with air-con,
like this one.

It'll cost you a few hundred quid more,
but it's well worth it.

The switch gear can also be a bit delicate,

so check all the buttons function properly.

If, say, electric mirror isn't working,

it may just be the switch rather than

the electric motor that's the problem.

But on the plus side, the 206 petrols have got

the longest service interval than
any car in their class;

that's 2 years or 20,000 miles.

Engines. I'd avoid the 1.1,

that has to work awfully hard for a living,

and it's not really up to the job.

You far better off getting a 1.4 or a 1.6,

although the 1.6, watch out,

is they can be prone to cam belt problems
quite early on in their life.

So for me, I'll buy a 1.4,
save myself a few hundred pounds,

and enjoy the performance.

Now, with big German executive saloons,

I've got no trouble recommending a car
that's done 80,000 miles.

But I'm not gonna do the same with the small hatchback,

especially if you aim to run the car

for a good few trouble-free years.

I'd play safe, look for one with under 50,000 miles

that's still got some of the 3-year
manufacturer's warranty.

So for me, a perfect combination will be

a 206, 1.4, about 3 years old with
about 30,000 miles on it,

full service history, get one with
an air-con, metallic paint.

You can pick one of those up for about 5.5 grand.

Recap then, basically.

Look out for switches,
and look out for dodgy sunroofs. Yeah.

The only thing that confuses me about it is

if there's this huge demand for it,
which there obviously is,

isn't that inflating the price?

You say 5,500 quid for a 1.4?

Yeah, um.. The prices are strong on them second-hand.

I mean, you can go and buy sort of
like a Ford Fiesta or a Clio,

same sort of age, same kind of spec,

probably for about a grand less.

Then why wouldn't you do that?

Because if you buy one of these,

A), it's a pretty car,

B), it drives nice,

and C), although you'll spend a grand more now,

come to sell it in 2 or 3 years' time,

you're gonna get most of that money back.

So it's not like spending a grand,
it's like loaning a grand.

Okay, well there we are. 206.

Probably the best used buy on market today, then.

It's time now to put a star in
our reasonably-priced car.

We've got celebrities queuing up
to try out the Liana on our track,

but our guest this week,

he needed a bit of encouragement, a shoehorning.

Let's meet him. Ladies and Gentlemen, Jonathan Ross!

They are beautiful!

But you know what? This might surprise you.

I've got a matching leather cap,

but sadly I couldn't find it this morning.

Pants? No pants on today, as you requested.

So, you're not a driver then?

I am a driver, I drive cars all the time,

often to be found in my deluxe family
Toyota Previa taking children to school.

You have a Toyota Previa?

Yeah, and it's a fine vehicle.

I've always argued, see, you drive a sports car, fine.

If you've got a people carrier,
all those seats, it's like,

"Hey everyone, mine works fine."

"Look at how many children I've produced!"

I like that silver car you've got here.

Oh, that Jaguar.

I accidentally keyed it on the way in,
that's not a problem, is it?

It isn't a problem,
'cause it hasn't got any paint on it.

It's fantastic, we all want that.

What a car! I know!

I wanna talk about your car, not your Toyota Previa,

not your family transport. That's the family wagon.

The family wagon. I wanna talk about your Mazda MX-5.

Would you like to tell nice ladies and gentlemen,

what colour have you painted it?

She's a beaute.

She's a sort of just a slightly..

You know the duck egg blue? Mhmm.

She's like a shade up from a duck egg blue,
kind of a light turquoise.

A kind of powder blue, and it's your own colour?

It's my own colour.. Well, no, actually,
I didn't do it.

My wife bought it for me for my 40th birthday,

and she covered the seats in pony skin.

Pony skin? I mean, not the head of the pony,
but on the back..

I think there's a bit of the leg on there,
I'm not sure.

Can I just interrupt? I want to make it quite plain

that no ponies were peeled from the making of your car.

They're not real pony skin.

Yeah, it's real pony skin. It is real pony skin!

Well, it better be, the amount it cost her!

So is this more important to you,
the aesthetics of a car,

plainly with pony skin and powder blue,

more important than the engine and the..

I have no interest in how fast the car can go.

I have absolutely no interest in how it steers,

what's going on under the bonnet,

how much petrol it consumes,

what even the word 'torque' means.

Nobody knows. You made that word up.

I believe when you started rewriting car journalism,

you invented several words you threw in,

just to confound and perplex people,

and in the true style of The Emperor's New Clothes,
no one's caught you on it,

and now, Clarkson, I put it to you,

'torque' does not exist!

All I can tell you about 'torque' is that
it comes in lumps.

It's not a little thing,

you don't get it in an Espresso cup.

But I hear it was expensive,
'cause torque isn't cheap.

What? What's wrong with that?

Then make your own jokes up then.

That's just the worst one we've ever had.

Torque's not cheap.

So, what's the fastest you've ever driven?

I know that sounds like an Alan Partridge..

I'll tell you what now, relax.

I'm telling you this.

Many years ago, I've an RX-7 motor vehicle,

black with a leather interior.

Had an engine called rotary Wankel,

not an easy one for me to get my lips around.

I want to talk this beast, and I went against the law,

and I was always wrong, and I wasn't..

Perhaps it was in Germany.

No, it wasn't in Germany.

Perhaps it was on the Isle of Man?

No, it was on the way to Maidstone.

Oh, no, wait, sorry, we had complaints about this.

I now have to look disapproving, okay?

I was young, I was foolish, okay? Anyway..

Is this disapproving enough?

That's your orgasm face, Jeremy!

It is the same thing.

No, it's just that Jay Kay came on and said

he got from Rome to London in like 13 hours,

and apparently I went AHAHAHA!

I should've gone..

You should've.
You don't encourage other young pop stars.
other young pop stars.

So this 100 mph to Maidstone..

I did 100 mph, that's right.

I went up to 100 mph, but I tell ya,
it's not for everyone,

because as I got.. The needle was waving, and I thought,

"Wow, I'll give it the extra!"

And I went up, and the Wankel in the back
was spinning beautifully,

as I got up to 100, I was sweating so much,

I had to pull over and rest.

And I was sweating.

100 mph? It was all.

There's no need for a man to travel that fast on land!

No, there is! There is no need whatsoever!

It's ridiculous, it's dangerous,
and it makes your heartbeat go up.

Which is good! No, I like to drive along,

ideally what I like is a car,
dog's head out at the back window,

maybe a body attached as well, doesn't matter.

Possibly a pipe. Slippers.

Wouldn't that be lovely? A leather patch there.

Now, you once argue, cars are dangerous.

They are.

Why are they dangerous?

Because I've got a love-hate relationship with cars,

I think a lot of people have in living cities,

because I want to use my car, I want to drive my car,

I don't want other people using their car
while I'm using my car.

Yeah, I think that's fair enough.

I don't think that's unreasonable.

I think it could be the clothes you wear
that is the scary part of driving.

You think so?

No, I think we should have dip beam on your tie.

You think it's too bright?
Yeah, dazzle people coming the other way.

You are so rude!

You sit there in your, like your, what is that,

some sort of turquoise synthetic nylon shirt?

It has a battery, it's own power supplied!

I think I'm the only guest on your show
who's made an effort.

I thought I'm seeing Clarkson today,

you know, the show is lacking glamour,

I'll dress up, give the ladies of
a certain age a little bit of crumpet.

Where are the ladies? Where are the ladies?

They've gone outside to get some fresh air

because they've overcome!

Of course, you're not just here to
pass the time of day,

you are, of course, here because you are a star,

and you elected, let's say,
to go in our reasonably-priced car.

Were you a bit nervous about this?

I was a bit weird because
I've never driven a car on a track like that.

I've never tried to drive a car fast, really.

And I know that's one mean mother
of vehicle you got out there.

And I tell ya, that baby, she handles.

Everybody's coming out going,
that's a serious car you got there!

I tell you, that's a motor and a half!

It is 9,995 pounds. You can't ask fairer than that.

Worth every penny. Absolutely.

Shall we see how you got on with your lap?

Let's have a look!

Let's have a look at Jonathan Ross
in the Reasonably-Priced Car.

Certainly the first man in the suit
in the Reasonably-Priced Liana.

That speed, I changed gear.

It's easier, because I've done extra..

We don't care.

The car seems to drive a bit differently
when you go fast,

it's not like driving..
Normally I'm used to taking the kids to school,

and occasionally going to local supermarket.

That's fast, Jonathan.
I thought that was quite fast!

It's in the rain!

Look at that magnificent turn!

It wasn't.

In this bit, I think I have to go 'round here..

You look ridiculous!

I look like a Star Trek fan.

There's the first man ever to get lost on the track.

It's raining! It's got wipers!

I was going about 30, 40 mph over there.

Third, go down to second..

The synchro is gone. I couldn't turn..

A bird flew past!

That's quite speedy!

Now, okay? These are the times of
the people that have been on the show so far.

The Stig, 1:46, well, you know,

racing driver, tiny little brain.

Jay Kay 1:48, I did 1:50,
now this is the wet times, okay?

Steve Coogan 1:53, Ross Kemp 1:54,

Harry Enfield, on a dry track, 2 days and 1 hour.

Now, Jonathan Ross.

Your time is..

And I'm afraid I'm gonna penalise you 2 seconds

for plainly cutting the Hummerhead there,
we all saw that.

Whatchu talking about?

You got lost, you cut a corner.

There were standing water!
The glare almost blinded me!

You're lucky that I'm still alive!

It isn't I care!

No! But you are lucky!

2 seconds, no arguing.

And it is 1 minute..

you did it in 55, it's 57, and that's not too bad!

So now I'm ranked No.6 in the world, is that right?

You are ranked.. Somewhere in the world.

Now, everybody,

this was Jonathan's timed lap that we've just seen,

who would like to see some of
the practices that he had?

Let's just have a look at that, shall we?

Oh, there's a cucumber.

Well, that was fun.

Curiously, I appear to have stalled.

Ooh, another one.

I thought it might be faster!

You see, a car like this likes
a bit of off-road action.

Oh, I think it was fantastic.

Ladies and gentlemen, Jonathan Ross!

Now, as you know we're trying to find
the fastest religion in Britain.

Good news this week, we've heard from a Rabbi,

and we've heard from a bishop.

So we're gonna be showing that to you very soon.

We've got two new challenges,

we're looking for Britain's fastest lord,

and we're looking for Britain's fastest
white van driver.

No, really. So if you drink in the Duke of Cumberland,

or you are the Duke of Cumberland,

get in touch. Use our address,

BBC.. Top Gear.. Wood Lane..
All of Wood Lane, basically.

London W12, all of W12.

Or flag down the Internet.

We've already established that the

S-Class is pretty much the ultimate
plutocrat's runabout.

In fact, we reckon there's only one company
that could beat Mercedes,

and that's Mercedes.

But even they'd have to go some,
which is exactly what they've done.

Meet the new Mother of all limosines, the Maybach 62.

Suddenly the S-Class seems a little bit, well, small.

And a little bit cheap, too.

Jeremy's cost 87,000 pounds, this cost 281,380 pounds.

But before you rush out to buy one,

I went to Germany to try it out for ya.

Mercedes sell 100,000 S-Class every year,

but those sort of numbers are not for the Maybach.

Oh no no no, 1,000 per year will be plenty.

So we are breathing in very rarefied air indeed.

If the S-Class really is as much as everybody needs,

how are people gonna be persuaded to

pay 3 times as much for another car?

I suppose it's gonna be in the details.

I mean, the wood, there's the option
of the black wood,

they call it 'Piano Wood', it's made by Steinway.

And then there's the soundproofing.

The wheel arches have lined with a
special fibers textile.

And elsewhere around the car,
there are microfibre tiles,

whatever they are.

But the result is, it is spooky quiet in here.

In fact, I wonder how fast we've actually gotta go

before there's any noise to back up

the only other evidence I've got that we're moving

which is scenery flashing past the windows.

Manfred, step on it, please. Thank you.

All right, we're doing 150, no noise.

I know how fast we're going because

I've got a speedo up there along
with a clock and a thermometer.

And isn't that just the ultimate control-freak gizmo!

I think I can hear something, not sure.

I think they're just moving the scenery faster.

Boring speed.

250km/h is about 155mph, and noise? What noise?

I'm starting to get the point of this thing.

In order for Mercedes to set
a new standard in limosinary,

they have to revive the old Maybach brand.

This was Germany's answer to Rolls-Royce and Bugatti

in the '20s and the '30s,

and just like the Maybach today,

they were very very big cars.

But then they will mostly taken up with bonnet

with a tiny little cabin bolted on to the back.

The interior space was actually pretty pokey.

This, though, well yeah, it's huge and very long,

but most of that length is taken up
with providing interior accommodation.

'62' stands for 6.2 metres long,

and they must expect customers to be
as tall as they're rich,

though the chauffeur is hardly left
perched on a packing crate.

At the front, this is the world's
most powerful production engine,

and I think it's running..
Yeah, there's heat coming off it.

It's running.

Passengers cosseted in what begs
to be called the salon,

can gaze into the heavens, or dismiss them,
by a touch of a button,

thanks to a photoelectric sunroof.

Other, though, nearly 300 grand and

it does look a bit sedate on the outside.

But maybe that's just the ordinary me complaining.

I mean, if I design it,
I'd really let people know that

300 grand was coming.

It'd have fins, a glitter ball, neon,

big mahogany TV cabinet. That sort of thing.

The actual driving experience might be as relevent

to potential owners as how to change the oil,

but well, it'd be rude not to..

This, this is insane!

This car is truly enormous,

but it can get to over 60mph in 5.4 seconds.

That's thanks to a 5.5L V12, 550 brake horsepower,

900 newton metres of torque. That's the important one.

I'm not gonna bore you by telling you
what torque is, if you don't know,

'cause I can't explain it,

but I tell ya, 900 is a lot.

It really is a lot.

Even up here, at the top of the motoring pile,

you can buy option and extras.

Not, admittedly, mats and alloys types of stuff,

but you can have a warmer dividing panel

to seperate the help and the front.
That's 20,000 pounds.

On the cheaper side, you can get
an outdoor speaker system for 1,200 quid,

so you can shout at the peasants.

And that photoelectric sunroof, that's 10 grand.

What you do get is a Personal Liaison Manager, or PLM.

Your PLM, by the way, is another extra with the car,

but you don't pay any more for it.

You don't ring him to book servicing so much as calling,

he'll get you a Madonna ticket

or move the Eiffel Tower 3 feet to the left

'cause it's shadowing your Maybach.

That kind of stuff.

You'll be in Sicilly before
you finish playing with all the toys,

I mean, essential executive equipment.

2 types of drinkholder, remote DVD..

So, is it better than the Roller?

Well, of course it is, it's huge.

But it differs from the Roller
in the same way it differs from Ferraris.

Those are both cars that kids
have pictures of on their bedroom wall.

This isn't. This isn't designed
to bring a smile to the whole world.

The Maybach is designed to bring a smile to the faces

that people who could really afford one.

It's a very different kind of car.

But the whole effect does begin to
sink in after a while.

Why am I here?

I'm gonna take advantage of the facilities

and there's a quick call that I really need to make.

Hello? Is that Mr. Dainty?

Good, headmaster, Charman's Cross Junior School,
late '70s?

Excellent. My name is Richard Hammond, Mr. Dainty,

you may not remember me, Class 1A.

Mrs. Leevie's class, yeah.

There's a few points I'd like to
take up with you, actually.

Just thinking back to the old days,

few things you said, yeah, you might remember.

A man to nothing, that was it, go nowhere.

That's me, short bloke.

This is the first one in the UK,

so please get in, climb in,
have a look around, help yourself.

Go on. You haven't been eating chocolate or anything,
have you?

Nothing on your fingers? Or your shoes? They're clean?

Actually, if you're feeling a bit broke,

there's a cheap version, you know.

Maybach 57, and it's only 243,780 quid, that's not bad.

25 grand deposit, which does hurt a little bit.

They look after..
Don't break anything in there, will you?

Please, don't break anything.

They look after you, though.

When you get to the factory,
if you're agonizing over colour,

You know how sometimes, "yeah, blue or red?"

They actually have a series of domes

in which they can recreate the
light from anywhere in the world.

So like, if you're in Mombasa,
and you wanna know how a blue one will look,

they can go, Mombasa light, there's your blue one.

You know what I just thought of? No, Jeremy.

280 thousand? I think that's pretty good value.

Right, because..?

No, really and truthfully think about it,

if you were to buy a house,
particularly in the Southeast of England,

you don't get much for 280 thousand,
certainly it won't be this big.

Furthermore, the owners of the house you buy

will take the curtains with them,

this comes with a curtain, included in the price.

How many houses do you know of that
have got central locking? None.

Or double glazing? Well, I mean some have.

And leather seats are already there, and TV sets,

and electric windows. I've never been
in a house with electric window, ever.

And, come and look at this,

in a house, very easy to commit suicide. Yes, it is.

Look at this, okay? It's working this one out.

There's a button here to close the boot,

'cause obviously you can't be bothered to do yourself.

So if you just put your neck down like that,

okay? Press the button. Bye, Jeremy.

It detects me and goes back up again.

Jeremy, how did you find that out?

I like to thoroughly road test a car.

That is thorough, isn't it?

I don't like just to go for a bit of
drive around Germany,

I like to get it tested. Trap your head into the boot.

So in fact, it's safe, and a bargain. Precisely.

Amazing.

This week's Insider Trading News.

And last week, I showed you how you could

buy a brand-new Ford Focus for
under 10 thousand pounds,

and we know that you can buy a brand-new
Suzuki Liana for 9,995.

Reasonably-priced car.

Well, Rover have entered the fray,

and they are now competing head-to-head with those cars.

The Rover 45, they're bringing out
a limited edition, the Spirit,

that car normally is 11,650,

but you can go and buy that car today for 9,903 pounds.

That's even more reasonably-priced
than our Reasonably-Priced Car!

It is indeed, so we'll see who else
responds to the challenge.

MG is also knocking 15% off on some of their models,

something like a MG ZT, which is the hot one, the 75.

That car is normally 21,150,

you can pick that car up now for 18,284.

That's 3 grand off.

That's a lot off, it's still in
Impreza territory, almost.

Yeah it is, different kind of car, but loads of fun.

Now, I've got a personal advise,

if you have to replace your own tyres,
pay for your own tyres,

chances are you're going to one of those

specialist tyres and exhausts fitters.

They have the types, you know,

"Prices can't be beaten" these kind of thing,
national networks.

Well, I've got a thinking, maybe they can.

So I've done a little bit of homework this week,

and I've found out, quick fix,

I've found out 4 of the branches.

My mate next door has got 320 diesel BMW,

so I thought I'll use that as an example.

Phoned up, they clearly have a
very accurate pricing policy,

'cause the first place I found, they told me

it's 587 pounds for 4 tyres, fitted with that,
and all that kind of stuff.

Okay, I thought, phoned another quick fix.

Same price, 587 quid. Next one 580, next one 587.

So I thought, I wonder how much more it will be

to get in a BMW dealer,

'cause at the end of the day, they're not specialised.

So I phoned up a BMW dealer,
and what you think the price was?

Well I mean, I'd kinda suspect it might be good,

but I would imagine BMW franchise dealer
is gonna be a lot,

I don't know, you know, 6, 7, maybe a grand. Big money.

Yeah. 420 pounds.

No. Including that and fitted.

170 pounds cheaper than the quick fix.

And you kind of got the security
that it was fitted in the franchise dealer.

I don't know if it'll make any difference, but..

Well, it's BMW trained technicians,

they know they're where under the car.

So I thought, well, I'll try some other places.

I caught the price down a little bit

with some of the independent tyre places,

but the message is very clear,

don't assume the franchise dealer is gonna be

more expensive than some of these quick fix places.

Get a couple of prices, and negotiate between them.
Shop around.

Save yourself 170 quid on that one alone.

Okay, but how about this for Deal of the Week?

Vauxhall Omega 2.2 CDX Auto. Big car.

Big car, 22,500 pounds if you were to buy that car.

List price, 22,500 pounds.

But there is a dealer in the UK that is currently

selling a brand-new unregistered car for 16,000 pounds.

16? That's enormous.

That's 6.5 grand off. 30% off list price.

But that was just one,
but does that mean if there's one...

There isn't all that. If there is just one out there,

there is gonna be more than one out there.

So I was offered one car,

but I'm sure if I dug a bit deeper,
I can find a few more.

That is a very big saving on a very big car.

Look at this, serious car.

This is a Bentley Arnage T.

It was built with Volkswagen money,

but it's still very very British.

And you can tell that when you step inside,

because, look, this is all loose,

and the key is very.. slow-motion.

But you know, the doors on
Westminster Abbey don't fit very well,

nobody seems to care about that.

And that's the thing about Bentley.

They have a different approach to everything.

Most of the engines in today's big cars are

21st century fuel-efficient tree huggers.

But the 6.75L V8 in this Bentley

can trace its roots back to 1959.

The trees wither when they hear it coming.

It's big, Brunellian, and unbelievably powerful.

A few years ago, when Bentley was still independent,

it tried to kill this engine off.

But when Volkswagen came along, they brought it back,

and added a couple of turbos for good measure.

So what does it feel like, then?
All that power and torque?

Well, you know what it's like
when you're sitting outside

on a hot, thundery Summer's afternoon.

It's like you can feel the weight of the sky.

It's like an intangible present.

Well, that's what it's like driving an Arnage T.

If Hollywood was to make a trailor for this car,

I know how it'll go.

Bentley.

Fear beyond your wildest dreams.

In a Bentley, no one can hear you scream.

You constantly aware that
if you were sitting in this car

at a zebra crossing, and you rev the engine,

anyone actually on the crossing would be sucked

through the radiator grille, and into the engine.

Just driving along now, you can feel it

hoovering up leaves and small stones
as it's going along.

RAARGH, eating the tarmac.

You probably think there's nothing to be scared of,

you probably think you can handle it, like heroin.

But look, we're now going 60mph.

Just a little couph, and we're doing 70.

And then we're going 80. And now we're doing 90.

And now I'm starting to feel drowsy

'cause it's so relaxing as we go past 100.

And 110.

130!

And it isn't only fast in a straight line.

You ever wondered what Blenheim Palace
would look like going sideways?

Well, I'll turn the Traction Control off,

and you need wonder no more.

You couldn't do this in an Audi or a Mercedes.

Driving the Bentley is like
riding a Brontosaurus. Bareback.

Actually, make that a T-Rex.

Hold on to your camera, man!

What do you drop the camera for?

I told you it's a frightening car.

So what we have here then is

a 3-tonne car that can do 0-60 in 5.5 seconds,

a stately home that can powerslide.

Bentley is supposed to be sporting,

but this is manic. This is magnificent.

I, therefore, don't mind all these fiddly switches

and this loose centre console.

If you want perfection, buy a Mercedes.

Or marry your accountant.

Without a doubt,

this is my favourite of all the luxury barges
that we've seen tonight,

even though there are a few things wrong with it.

First of all, it's suffered from total brake failure

during the filming of that item.

Secondly, David Beckham has got one,

and thirdly, it costs exactly twice

what you pay for an S-Class Mercedes-Benz.

But as we can see from this mathematical formula here,

Omega carried the 1,

it is exactly twice the car.

No, it is, really.

The only thing that remains now for us to do

is to find out how fast it goes around the track.

These are the times we've had so far,

the Westfield is leading, 1:23.

The only problem is the Westfield
weighs exactly the same

as one of the indicator stalks in this.

Let's see what happens. Over to you, Mr. Stig.

Here he is, and he's off.

Building up the 645 pounds feet of torque,

and heading down to the first corner.

That's so fast!

Right, through the Hummerhead,
the Bentley is struggling.

It doesn't have a limited slip differential,
and it's wet,

it's just spinning away all the power
on that unloaded wheel.

Unleash the turbo and off down to the Follow-Through.

2 corners to go now, Bacharach and Carpenter's curve.

1:23 to beat, here he is, as he's gonna go..

Ooh, look at that!

And across the line in 1 minute 40 seconds.

Put a W there for Wet.

Now that's not particularly fast, I admit, for a car.

But it is very fast for a Cathedral.

Which it is.

God I love this thing. I absolutely adore it.

Right. on last week's show,

we had the multimillion-pound

fully tricked-up Bond cars in the studio,

and they were fantastic.

And they set us thinking,

we invited you to send in your ideas for us

to build a cut-price Bond car on a budget,

and I do mean a budget - 300 quid.

And we've done it!

And this is it. I can't say we used all of your ideas,

'cause some of them were, frankly, a bit scary.

But we gave all the good ones to our
cut-price Q, Ed China.

My, you are a tall one, aren't you?

Yes, Agent 003.5. Thank you very much.

He's created this, it's a.. It's a Rover 800, mate!

It's a gentlemen's car!

It is, in British racing green.
Only colour we can have.

That's very happy for Bond.

If you're wondering, by the way,
where everyone's gone,

they're over there, they've sort of backed off.

But don't worry about us, we will be fine over here.

Right, talk us through it.

Well, I think the best thing is to get inside,
first of all.

So I'll open the door for you.

Ordinary door handle, that doesn't trigger anything.

Absolutely, a really standard Rover.

This is all right in here! Actually, it's not bad.

It is a standard Rover dashboard,

but if you look next to the handbrake,
it's our first gizmo.

Like another handbrake?

Another handbrake, you think it is, of course.

And that's the idea, of course.

Now, the thing is, you can imagine the scenario,

you're driving along, minding your own business,

just been down in the shop or whatever.

And suddenly, maybe an assailant is behind you,

they're giving you a bit of grief,
a bit of road rage.

So first thing to do is trying to shed them.

So if you were to push the red button there..

Right, what happens?

Well, we're gonna shed thousands of balls behind us.

Okay, I'm gonna press that, here we go.

Oh my word! What happened!

Look at that! Now, that would see him off.

Well obviously, ordinarily you might wanna use

maybe boiling oil, fish finger, that sort of thing,

How did you make this? Just briefly?

They are actually Aunty Maude's panic button.

Well, the red button there? Yeah, that's right.

I mean, she'll be okay for a couple of weekend.

So if she presses that in her flat,
load of balls everywhere?

Everywhere.

And this is a bit of bike cable,

these are things that you can build at home!

Yes, absolutely. And kids, try this at home.

The thing is, now we annoyed them.

So now, chances are they're gonna be shooting at us.
They do that.

Yeah, and I suppose we need protection from that.
We do.

And that is the next gizmo.

Right, so we need.. Oh, you put you goggles on.

I'm putting my googles on because
this is gonna get dangerous now.

Right, okay, but we need a villain to do this.

Jason, where are you, mate?

Oh, look at that! He does actually look quite scary.

So he is miffed, and he's gonna shoot at us.

Far away, baddy! Far away!

Oh my word! Pulling the lever on!

That does look a lot like a tea tray.

Well, it is actually a tea tray,
but it's a bullet-proof tea tray.

They are the best sort.
They are, and it cost us 6.50 pounds.

Charity shop. Indeed, charity shop.
It came with a trolley as well, which is quite nice.

Well found. I'll retract that now. Excellent.

I love the way that spoiler gets up.

Well now, the thing is, obviously now we've
actually annoyed them even further.

So now, fantastically stunning maneuver,
handbrake turn,

You now have it in front of them,
you have to blast them.

I'm facing them now.

You're facing them,
you're gonna blast them out of the sky.

Right, okay, so we've got guns? We have guns.

But, of course, James Bond would use
nasty little gizmos and little buttons.

We've got something a bit more classy, fuzzy dice.

Fluffy dice? Fuzzy dice.

Well, these are the trigger? Yep.

This fires guns. Well, we need a target, and I think.. Jeremy!

Oh, look, perfect, the perfect target.

I'm not the target, but I have got you
the perfect target.

Blofeld himself. Ready, everyone?

Oh, look at that! Perfect!

Right, he can have it.. Yes!

Ed, this is a very good job.

The paintball guns sort of
stay hidden completely in there.

They are, they're hidden inside the wings.

Triggered with these?

That's right, well, the way it's done,

'cause most paintball guns are actually done manually.

That's to make kind of a plastic finger

and used a Metro windscreen wiper motor
as kind of a cog to actually flick it around.

A plastic finger? Well, yeah.

Very Bond.

Right, that's him pretty much sorted, I'll say.

What about this fella here?

He's a bit more tricky.

I mean obviously, normally etiquette would suggest

you should ask him politely to leave.

But, in fact, none of those worked,

and obviously, what we need to do is

vacate the vehicle ourselves.

Right. We have another little trick.

All right, something awful is gonna happen.

And what we need to do is grab hold of this.

That seat was wet, Ed. I'm sorry.

I've got a doorbell! Yeah.

It's a brass door bell, it's no expense spared.

I think we need to get a little bit
further away from the vehicle.

Exactly how far? A little bit more than that, probably.

So how dangerous is this? A little bit more than that, I think.

Can I be as far as the audience?

That might be not bad idea.

And then, it's this button here..?

Yeah, let me ask him one more time.

"Would you mind leaving my car, villain?" No, right.

Have this.

This is fantastic. And you as well. Wonderful.

So we've got rid of him, you got one more trick there.

Yeah, we've done violence,
we need fire and brimstone next.

Nice, I like the sound of that.

Bond won't be complete without some kind of rocket.

Okay, now this is.. This is a drain pipe head!

It is a drain pipe, yes, you're right.

It's very well spotted there.

Something we can have a go at home for us.

What you need, of course,
is our fuel-cleaning missile.

Right, okay, this is some sort of rocket.

Of course, also, there's always
the opportunity when you're driving along,

you might actually have to...

you have the wind-proof lighter.

Oh, you've thought of everything!
So I've got one of these.

What you have to do is open this little flap,

pop it in, light it, I'll go around
to the other side and do the same.

I'll go put the goggles on as well,
while you get around..

Not a bad idea.

It's very neat! I'll put these on.

I don't think Bond wears these generally.

Safety first. I think mines are
much smaller than yours.

I like my green.. Wind-proof, that's genius.

Ready? Okay, right..

I think you might have to stand back a bit.

I'm gonna stand back a very long way.

Ed! That was fantastic!

And I'm afraid we have to end it there.

We've got a lot of tidying up to do here,
and everywhere, frankly.

We're gonna get some flowers and
some cushions and some potpourri

'cause we've got some girls
coming on the show next week.

But don't worry,
we've also got a 5.5L supercharged V8 Mercedes.

So, we'll see you then. Good night!

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