Top Gear (2002–…): Season 0, Episode 0 - India Special - full transcript

Hello and welcome
to a Top Gear special.

You join us in Downing Street
for a very good reason.

You see, shortly after coming
into power, Mr Cameron

noticed that Britain was,
in essence, bankrupt,

and that to solve the problem

we needed to do
more business with India.

He has a point, because it turns out
we sell more to Ireland,

that has a population of 4.5 million
than we do to India,

that has a population
of 1,000 million.

It's actually even worse
than that.

It turns out that we sell even less
to India than the Belgians do.



So, we contacted Downing Street
and offered to go over to India

and run a trade mission
on the nation's behalf.

I have here a personal letter reply
to us from David Cameron himself.

"Dear Top Gear,
thank you for your letter.

"Whilst it's true I'm keen on us
to build on our ties out there,

"sending you three is not quite
what I had in mind.

"The Foreign Secretary
did wonder instead

about a fencemending
trip to Mexico."

"Basically, my message is this..."

"you do the cars,
we'll do the diplomacy."

Oh, here he comes now.

Stay away from India.

Well, that was unequivocal.

Well, we're going to ignore
the Prime Minister.



What we're going to do instead is
to buy three second-hand British

cars, and then to head over there
with a very simple objective...

to rescue Britain.

'The start point
for our trade mission was Bombay.

CAR HORNS BLARE

'A vibrant, teeming mass
of 20 million potential customers.'

I am the first to arrive,
and as you possibly wouldn't expect

I don't appear to have
done this quite right.

This is a Series-1 Rolls-Royce
Silver Shadow from 1976.

Some of you will be saying, "You should
have brought a modern Rolls-Royce."

There's two reasons why I couldn't...

firstly, I had a budget
of just ã7,000.

Secondly, a modern Rolls-Royce
is of course a German car,

whereas this one was hand-wrought
in Crewe in a factory that used

to make Merlin engines
for Spitfires out of the finest

British car-making materials.

It is her Majesty the Queen,
with a tax disc, and lovely carpet.

'At this point Jeremy arrived... '
Behold.

'..in easily the most inappropriate
car it is possible to imagine.'

You stupid man.
What's wrong with it?

We're here representing Britain,
and all that's great about Britain,

and you have brought along
a Jaguar XJS,

almost certainly our country's
most historically unreliable car.

This is the celebration model.

Is it a celebration of production
finally coming to end?

60 years of Jaguar.

Special wheels,
special colour-coordinated bumpers,

four-litre, straight six engine.

That thing has a reputation
for stopping.

James, as I recall
the braking system

and steering is controlled
by hydraulics. That is right.

Now, if this car were to break
down in the Rolls-Royce factory,

next to the team that built it,
they wouldn't be able to mend it.

You're in India. Yes. If your
hydraulics go wrong, you are out.

You are an embarrassment
to the nation.

And can I just say, this vinyl roof,

he's just put the final
over the guttering.

This is not an advertisement.

If you were advertising
Millets' tenting...

This car helped cement the very
special Anglo-Indian relationship.

How? The favoured car
of the maharajas.

They sold hundreds of cars to India.
Only because Jaguar wasn't around.

All of the maharajas would have had
XJSs. They wouldn't. They would!

'At this point, something
very small arrived... ' Ha ha!

'..in a Mini!'

Oh, God, that's an absolute beauty.

That's quite a good idea, actually,
but don't tell him.

Hammond, you idiot. You idiot.
What?! Is that a good idea, is it?

Is it a good idea? It's genius.

Just to clarify what this is,
it's a classic Mini Cooper Sport.

One of the very last ones
built, in fact.

Year 2000. That is immaculate.

That is pretty tidy. It really is.

This is India, though.
It's a big old place,

and this is a small old car.

Come on, lads, you both know it is
the home of the small car. Was.

No, it still is. What matters most
in India is how big it is inside,

how small it is outside, and how many
people it carries. That's racist.

What?! When India was emerging,

they saw the car as a tool,

but now that India HAS emerged,

and is one
of the economic superpowers,

everybody is going to want something
with a great, long thrusting...

No, what happens next
is the country grows out

of the great, long thrusting,
and they come back to wanting,

yes, style, and practicality,
and convenience...? Look at it!

Yes, but we are trying to say
that Britain is a great country,

and has things to offer
to a country which has succeeded.

Such as this... No! ..not a tired old
Jaguar, and that's a Shadow? It is.

How far do you think
he's going to get in that?

Well, I think he's probably finished,
isn't he? That's it.

Let's see. 'Hammond and May
then ganged up on my Jag.'

I should point out the bits that
will go wrong. Yes. All of those.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. See all of those
relays and those connectors?

Made in the Midlands, they will go
wrong. Cooling system will go wrong.

It's OK, some of the relays
are made in Spain.

'We'd find out soon enough
if we'd made the right choices,

'because ahead lay
a 1,300-mile journey

'on some of the most dangerous
roads in the world.

'And then up into the brutal
high passes of the Himalayas.

'But first,
we had to get to know our cars

'on the streets of Bombay.'

HE GIGGLES This is the
perfect car for this place!

It is a puppy, yes, but it's
a Staffordshire bull terrier.

It is a... (MAKES BARKING NOISE)
A tough little puppy.

I've forgotten the way
these things deliver their power,

it's such a chunky little engine.

Oow! Yeah, speed humps,
how I miss you(!)

A man taking his washing machine
for a walk!

Morning.

Whenever we do these
long journeys on Top Gear,

there's always a sense,
the moment I set off,

that the car is already on its last
legs, but in this, there isn't.

All the dials are reading
what they should be reading,

the engine is smooth, the gear-change
is smooth, all the electrics work.

This is a mobile advertisement
for Great Britain.

Never mind that Jag today is Indian,
let's gloss over that.

HORN BLARES

210 horsepower... what Rolls...Royce
would have called "adequate."

It is adequate, more than adequate.

BUZZER SOUNDS

That's a buzzer that will sound
if it overheats, say,

or the hydraulic brakes fail. Let's
check that it works. You see?

BUZZER SOUNDS

I love India,
I love the dynamism of it all.

People are busy. Business, business,
business. Get on, get rich.

Jag!

Look at that! Hammond's Mini.

He is a man in love!

MAKES GRUNTING NOISES
AT GEAR CHANGES

Weirdly, I have never
actually owned a Mini.

My brother had one, my best friend
had one, my girlfriend had one,

which I blew up
while she was on holiday.

I changed the engine in it,

and I bought one for 25 quid
and fitted it over a weekend

and never told her.

Until just then, when I told her,
then. Sorry about your car...

Mel.

I know Hammond hasn't got it,
so it's pointless asking,

but is your conditioning working?

Er, not as such. No.

'No, neither is mine.'

I thought it was,
for a brief, glorious moment,

but then I realised, no, it isn't.

What I was saying then
about my air conditioning

isn't actually true,
it's working an absolute treat,

but I don't want to tell them that
because they will just try

and break it in the night, because
they're resentful and peevish.

Guys, you know the producers
always provide a backup car

'on these shoots, in case
one of our cars go wrong?'

Yes.

'Have you seen what's coming
up in the middle lane

'on British plates right now?'

I've just seen it. I think
I've seen it, is it an Allegro?

It is.

Oh, you're joking!

'Spurred on by this
terrible development,

'we decided to begin
our vital trade mission,

'starting with one of Bombay's
most famous institutions.'

Everyday an army of about
5,000 people called dabbawalas

travel around the outskirts
of the city

collecting lunches in tins,
like these ones here.

They've been made by the wives
of working men, and from here

they are transported on foot,

or by bicycle
to the nearest train station.

Each tin is marked
with a system of symbols

that tells the dabbawalas
on the train where it's going.

So they know which tins have to be
unloaded at which station.

The tins are then picked up
at city centre stations

by yet more dabbawalas,

who bring them to the menfolk
in their offices.

And the cost of having a piping hot,

home-cooked lunch, delivered
every day, is ã2 a month.

'What makes the whole system
really incredible

'is that 200,000 lunches
are delivered every day.

'Even though there's no FedEx-style
computerised tracking system,

'only one mistake is made
for every six million deliveries.

'That works out at an accuracy
level of 99.9996%.'

I think, however,
we could do better.

How can we do better than that?! If
you think about it, they use trains,

what if we used our cars?
That's not a bad idea, actually.

The first dabbawalas bring it to the
car park at the railway station.

Instead of putting it on the
train, we'll take it in our cars.

We'll beat the train.

If you think, when
you're at home and you

order a takeout pizza,
do they use the train?

They use a moped or a car. They are
hamstrung by tradition. They are.

"For 120 years, we've always used
to train. We always use the train."

This is where we can help.
Then it will be

remembered the day the
dabbawala system was updated,

it was in a British car.
Exactly! Three British cars.

We're about to plug that gap.

That 0.0004% gap.

'And, so, the next day
our experiment began.

'We would load the meals
into our cars at Andheri station,

'in the suburbs, and then race
the train-bound dabbawalas

'to the finish line at Churchgate
station in the city centre.'

'Our train rivals prepared for
the challenge with quiet efficiency

'whereas in the car park,
things were rather less calm.'

13, right, 13s are there.
It doesn't matter if it says 13.

It does... it's people's lunches!

All we have to do
is get them to the other end.

In the right order!
No, James, please just bung them in.

Don't, because we'll just
be having a race with the

train, which we could do anyway.
Bung, bung...

The point is to beat the
train AND make it work.

Bung yours in. Stop interfering!

I'm not interested in your view
on this. Go and do yours.

There's a train! There's a train.
Just load up now.

I've lost count now.

This is hacking me off!
If they're not in the right

order we can't claim to
have beaten the system.

Just stop fretting about that and
load it up! Right! No time to lose.

11, 15, 15, 15...

TYRES SCREECH

Oh, for God's sake!

The 12s and the odds... What?
He's gone.

How many has he taken? About 12.

You are kidding? In total? Yeah.
What a moron.

'The train and I left the station
at exactly the same moment.'

Coming through!

Over the years, I have raced
a Japanese bullet train,

the Swiss railway network,

the French railway network
and never lost.

I don't intend to lose now!

Coming through, coming through.

'I'd been forced to take the meals
that Jeremy had left behind

'which was a real treat
for my spine.' Ow!

I think I might have made my already
lowered suspension even lower still.

Ow!

HORNS BLARE

Come on, man.

Here are the figures...
the train has got a 14...mile journey

and is scheduled to take 44 minutes.

My journey is 17 miles.

17 miles, 44 minutes,
that means I must average...

Green, 18. Green, green,
green, then yellow.

HORNS BLARE Come on,
lunches, in a hurry.

People's lunches,
coming through.

I'm fine for tea towels, thank you.
No, thank you. Thank you, no.

17 miles, 60 miles an hour. No...

If it was an hour, about...

'By this stage, Captain OCD
had finally joined the race.'

Correct use of the horn there to
warn of your presence going past.

I'm going to try and
go to the outskirts of

the city slyly and do
a ring-road approach.

I think that'll be quicker. It's
a bit further, but it'll be quicker.

Oh, for crying out loud!

The one bit of open road
and look what I've got behind me...

Bombay 5-0.

Hello, officer. Hello, officer,
doing the speed limit.

That has got the hallmarks
of a massive thunderstorm.

As the train sped along,
my journey, thanks to Jeremy,

continued to be nerve wracking
and unpleasant.

Oh! I heard the food move.

Ah! My tins are rattling.

Ow!

This is just too easy,
I'm making cracking progress.

Test. It's fine.
BUZZER SOUNDS

TYRES SCREECH

Yes, it's raining.

THUNDER SOUNDS

Bloody hell!

This is a big rainstorm now.

'The cloudburst only lasted for
a few moments but, as in any city,

'it slowed the traffic right down.'

I now have 17 minutes
to revolutionise dabbawaling

and mend Britain's balance
of payments' deficit.

Coming through,
lunch on the way.

Come on!

I am an ambassador representing the
sovereign nation of Great Britain.

On a mission...

Right, this is not good, it's clear
here. I'm going to go this way.

LOUD CLATTER

Oh!

14 minutes to go.
Come on, come on, come on.

We may have bitten off more than we can
chew, in this traffic. We may have done.

I'm pretty sure this right is right.
HORNS BLARE

Yes, most of that will go in there.

You see.

OK, there will be shouting from those
people who don't get their lunch.

Oh, I don't want to lose any more.

'The train would be at Churchgate
station in just eight minutes.

'But I was now clear of the jams.'

Here we go, time to unleash
what used to be 223 horsepower.

TYRES SCREECH

Oh, no, you're not having that space,
mate, I am. Big lorry, or not.

I'm a Mini. Grrrr.
HORN BLARES

Get out of my way!

That's the train. That's the train.
There it is, there it is!

Come o-o-o-n!

This ring road...
must be quite a big ring.

This doesn't look very teeming
20-million-inhabitant- Indian-city-ish.

This is a delay I did not need.

Oh, God!

Move! Move!

'In just over 43 minutes,
I arrived at the station.'

I've beaten the others,
but more importantly...

I've beaten the train.

'This was good news for Britain.'

What do you think of that, chaps?

Yes, now, listen...

THEY SPEAK IN HINDI
What's the matter?

I know, there aren't very many,
but MUCH hotter than usual.

'Quite a while later,
the first of my colleagues arrived

'with his afternoon tea
delivery service.

Hammond!

What were you thinking of?

What was the point
in that whole exercise?

We were transporting boxes of food
and you left with none!

I left with 17. One was a bit
ruined when I got here, I admit,

but 16 lunches were delivered early,
not in time for tea.

Seriously, where have you been
for an hour and 20 minutes?

I went to a different
station first.

No, you didn't, where are they?

I dropped them. What? I dropped them.

You dropped them?
They fell off the roof. Yes.

And where is May?
Have you seen him? No!

'It turned out James
hadn't just lost the race...

'he'd lost Bombay.'

Oh, cock.

Having achieved an accuracy rating
in our delivery service of just 4%,

we decided to abandon dabbawaling
and head north to Jaipur.

But instead of driving, the producer
insisted we take an overnight train.

They CANNOT be serious!
That is not a motor rail carriage.

How do you lose Bombay? I didn't
lose it so much, I overshot. What?

You can't miss it... it's enormous!
I tried to do a clever ring road.

It's the biggest place
we've ever been.

Why do you think the producer is
making us go on the train to Jaipur?

I don't know.
Why wouldn't he make us drive?

I was quite happy in my Rolls-Royce.
I was... There's nothing...

It's a slightly dangerous road,
but... It's a bit unexpected.

I think I know why. Why?

A-hem...

Because HE doesn't want to drive.
Oh, yes!

The producer drives the Allegro.

He doesn't want to drive
in the back-up car.

It overheats, so you have
to have the heater on full.

Yeah.
I wouldn't want to drive that. No.

Having loaded our cars, we went
to get our tickets. However...

The queue goes all the way in there.

I can't do queuing. Really? I can't.

Manual labour and queuing are the
only two things in life I can't do.

But I really physically can't.
No, I can't either.

I do this queue sweary thing.

I can go for so long and then (BLEEP)
it just happens. Did it happen then?

I can't... Ha, ha haaa! It's happened
again. Right, off you go, then.

So you don't mind...
because he doesn't like... Go.

Are you sure you don't mind?

He doesn't like us, that's what's
going on. You may have a point. Go.

You absolutely...
He doesn't mind queuing!

I do, but I'd rather queue than
listen to you two bleating.

Arse! That was a gentle one,
but it gets a lot worse.

I'll take him for a beer.
I'll look after him.

Beer helps. That'll fix it.

As James inched forward...

I went shopping and then
met up with Hammond for lunch.

Would you like... chicken lung soup?

No. No.

Little bit of lung?
No. You won't even taste it?

No, I'm really not hungry. I'm fine.

Would you like me to give you
the present I've bought you?

Ooh, let me guess,
is it something impractical,

a bit ridiculous
and too big for the boot of a Mini?

Always so ungrateful. Honestly!

TANNOY: May I have your attention...

Hammond!

That's a double bass.
You like double basses.

I do like double basses very much.
Is that for me, seriously? Yep.

Thank you very much.
You're very kind.

I've had an idea.
You know when we get to Delhi? Yeah.

Why don't we have... cos this is what
most trade missions would do...

a party?

What, just, let's have a party?
If you have a party,

and invite the sort of
great and the good,

Indian commerce people,
ambassadors...

Oh, like a sort of
ambassadorial, Ferrero

Rocher type thing? Exactly that.

Hello. Three adults
for Jaipur, please.

Where would it be? Is it in a...?
What's it in? In a garden.

We could have a marquee. A garden
party! That's very British.

Come on!
This is actually a good idea.

It needs a focus, we're going
to have all British products

and our cars, and you walk around
and look at them and stuff.

But it needs a... What?
You need to...

What, you think we get
the Top Gear band back together?

What, so we entertain? I'm up for
that, I reckon that'll work. Cheers!

Many hours of queuing later,
Eeyore joined us on the platform.

What's this? We're getting the Top
Gear band back together! Yes, we are!

Come on. Yeah, we are.
Can you grab your keyboard?

I'll explain on the train.

Thank you. Sorry. Sorry, everybody.

This is a bass drum.

Oooh!

Ooh, it's crowded!

'A hot, 18-hour journey lay ahead.

'So, to cheer everyone up,
we roped in our producer on vocals

'and set to work,
practising the song we'd be

performing at our
ambassadorial reception.'

♪ Any time you feel the pain

♪ Hey, Jude, refrain

♪ Don't carry the world

♪ Upon your shoulder

♪ Na-na-na-na-na-na
Na-na-na-na-na-na

♪ Na-na-na-na-na-na... ♪

'The other passengers were reluctant
to join in on the chorus,

'but then Jeremy had a brainwave.'

I tell you what's better, why don't
we change the words? Naan!

Hey!
# Naan-naan-naan-naan-na-na-naan

'Which did the trick.'

♪ Naan-naan-naan-naan

♪ Naan-naan-naan-naan
Hey, Jude

Everybody!

♪ Naan-naan-naan-naan-na-na-naan

'The next morning,
the song was perfected,

'but we still had six hours to go.'

'So we had a discussion about how the
time could be used productively.'

You know this train is like
a big billboard? Or could be.

How? Think,
it's going right through India

and there are no slogans at all
on the outside.

And there are a billion people
in India.

How can we benefit from that?
If we got some banners,

we can promote Britain
as the train's going along.

We can't use product names, because
it's the BBC, but stuff like IT,

everybody I know works in IT.
Literally everybody. Financial services.

Food. How could we do...?
Everybody loves...

Is HP sauce still...?
Is it American? Roast beef?

We're known for that.
We can't promote beef.

No, not here. No, you're right.

You've got French fries,

Belgian waffles.

What about English crumpets?

No, that's not very good, is it?

'Eventually,
we decided on our slogan.'

'So, at the next stop, Hammond
went off to buy some materials.'

TRAIN WHISTLE
Hammond, run!

HE LAUGHS
I got it!

'And then we got painting.'

OK. Right, James, unravel.

Unravelling.

It's like ticker-taping
Times Square. That's quite good.

We're like an enormous,
weird typewriter.

'With the banner complete,

'we had to hang it
on the outside of the train.'

I'm going to open this door. Right.

I'm going to feed the banner
out of it,

where the slipstream of the train
will carry it to Hammond,

who's waiting at the next door.
Whoa!

Here we go.

More!

I need more!

Hammond!

Try to do it when there are no posts!

Argh!

Got it.

Got to get it higher. Bring
it back in. No, just lift it up.

No, because it's already dragging...
THUD

When does it stop next?

THEY SCREAM

'Hammond made some more banners

'and we decided
our best chance of success

'was to hang them on the side of the
train when it stopped at stations.'

This has to be the most efficient
thing we've ever done in our lives.

We've never done anything
efficient. No, but we have to be.

I know. Yes.

Speed is everything.

What we've done is enlisted
the entire production team

to help us hang the banner
on the outside of the train now,

because it's stopped
for 18 minutes.

Are we ready? Are we ready?
Yes, yes, yes. Steady.

Go! Go, go, go! Hit it.

I think we've done well there.

'With one banner in place,
we were like a well-oiled machine

'when we got to the next stop.'

Now THAT is marketing.

And the result is all of
these people here are

going to go home and
want an English muffin.

You hear about these trade missions
to far-flung places in the world,

and you just know they're not doing
this kind of thing.

Prince Andrew is not hanging
from a side of a train in Kuwait,

saying, "Buy diggers.
" He isn't doing that. TRAIN TOOTS

The signal. We've got to go, guys.

'Our mobile billboard for UK Plc
was now complete.'

'However, at the next station, James
insisted on doing some repairs.'

James, leave it. You haven't done it
properly. Leave it. It on, it's on.

TRAIN TOOTS
Whoa, my God!

Run! Run!

Quick, get on, get on.

James, run. Pull the cord. Run!

Pull the cord! Pull the cord!

No, there's a...

Hammond. Yeah? To stop the train
you pull the chain. Yeah.

But there's a fine of 1,000 rupees.

That's about 13 quid. ã13. I mean...

I haven't got that sort of money.

I'm not paying 13 quid. No, no, no.

'Eventually,
we arrived at our stop, Jaipur,

'a town seemingly famous
for its natural springs.'

'We paused for a while
to wish our banners

well on their journey
across India.'

That is a proud moment.
Isn't it? It is.

I just wish James was here to see...
Our message.

Our message to the subcontinent.

Oh, God.

Oh. It's going to Delhi.

What's it going to say
on the other side?

'To make matters worse,

'it looked like Jeremy's
dabbawalla delivery in Bombay

'hadn't gone that well after all.'

'Then, when we unloaded
James's Rolls,

'we discovered we'd been betrayed.'

When you get in here,
you're in for a nasty surprise.

Er, feel that.

But there's cool air. Yes.

Yes, yes.

Devious...

He told us it was broken. Is it?

Oh! The thing is, though,

you know Gandhi?
Er, yeah, was he a Rolls man? No.

Absolutely not.

Now, Gandhi argued
there was too big a gulf

in India between the rich and
the poor and it should be narrower.

And I think if we disabled
James's air conditioning,

it would make him more equal to us.

And that's good not just for us,

but also spiritually for him.
Exactly.

Gandhi would approve of what I'm
doing now. This is a noble act. Oh.

Nothing to see here.
Nothing to see here.

Beautiful British engineering.

If we do it back up again,
there's no evidence.

No, none. It's the perfect crime.
It IS the perfect crime.

No tools...

no murder weapon. No.

'Eventually, Judas arrived.'

May! You've made it.

Well done. How did you miss it?

What you couldn't see from the train

was the platform ended and there was
a drop of 15ft. I did see that.

I couldn't do anything.
That's why I shouted, "Pull the cord.

" Why didn't you?
There's a fine.

13 quid. But the good news is,

the cars have all arrived,
amazingly, in one piece.

Is it nice to see them?
I've also had a really good idea

for what we can do
while we're in Jaipur.

'My plan was to promote
the British motorsport

industry by staging a
hill-climb event.'

'Which, of course,
meant finding a hill.'

Oh, yes!

Nice little course,
one kilometre. Perfect.

And what we've done
is invited some local

Indians to bring whatever
vehicles they have

to see how fast
they can get up the hill.

It should be a good day's sport.

'But, of course, not only
would the Indians get a

flavour of this traditional
British motorsport,

'we'd have a chance to see
what sort of vehicles are favoured

'by the Indian petrol head.'

Go! Yeah! He's off.

He's away! We're underway!
We've done something.

What was that motorcycle?
Because this is our leaderboard.

That was the Rajdoot 175.

'Moments later,
we got out first time.'

One minute, 20.6. Is that fast?
We don't know.

'Next up was
the Hindustan Ambassador,

'which began in life
as a Morris Oxford

'and is still being produced
in Calcutta 63 years later.'

Go!

Has he gone? He's still going.
Whoa! Still going.

Whoa!

That's the smell
of Britain in the '50s.

'When the Hindustan had finished,

'it was the turn of the Indian
new boy, the Tata Nano,

'which, at 1900 quid,

'is the cheapest car
in the world right now.'

Go!

Less smoke.

'It may only have a 600cc
two-cylinder engine,

'but that didn't stop it
from putting on a good show.'

1.14.7. Oh, that's our first
blistering time of the day.

That is a quick car.
It's blindingly quick.

You know what's going to happen?

He'll think, "I'll go up that
hill again next weekend."

"I wonder if I can go a bit faster?
If I get that British fuel pipe hose..."

"I could improve..." And somebody in
Britain who makes hoses... Gets a sale.

Gets a sale.

'Next, it was the turn
of India's most popular taxi,

'the superbly engineered tuk tuk.'

It's going backwards.

It's going, it's going,
it's going, it's going.

That's better.
I've got cancer now(!)

You know the Reliant Robin
is not a stable vehicle,

as I have proved many times?
THAT makes the

Reliant Robin look like
a railway locomotive.

'As was demonstrated
on the next bend.'

CRASH

'Despite this mishap,
the locals kept on coming.'

Well done, thank you taking part.

Good luck. 'ln fact, our hill climb
was so popular... '

Go! Whoa.

'..that things soon got
out of control.'

CAR HORN TOOTS

'Eventually, the police arrived,
but only so they could have a go.'

It's a heck of a grid.
I would watch this on TV. I would.

More than Formula One.

'With the leaderboard almost full,
it was now our turn to set a time,

'but that gave us
a bit of a diplomatic issue.'

We need to demonstrate that our cars
are good. Yes. They're British.

(WHISPERING) We don't want...
Well, a little bit.

A little bit of winning.
No, no. No winning at all.

WHISPERING INDISTINCT
We really can't.

A small win?
We're hosting the event.

You'd have to present
the prize to yourself!

'Having made Jeremy promise he
wouldn't win, I lined up the Mini.'

Three, two, one!

TYRES SCREECH

And we're off.
This is what the Mini was born to do.

This thing won the Monte Carlo Rally

and watching one of these
in classic touring

car racing was utterly,
utterly brilliant.

Every major racing driver
of the period had one.

Enzo Ferrari had THREE
of these things!

HE LAUGHS

I am upholding a legend here.

Finish line in sight.
Oh, I can't go too... I mustn't win.

Nobody can see. I'm going to give
myself a ten-second penalty, because...

I don't want to... You know, I...

Yeah, that'll do.

And across the line!

'Hammond's diplomacy
worked brilliantly.'

'And now it was my turn.'

Begin.

Still going by, still going by.
Still going by. Oh, it's gone.

A Rolls-Royce, of course,
has no real motor-sport heritage,

apart from a rally the Shadow
entered in the '60s.

Didn't do very well
and that commends it to me.

HE MAKES CREAKING NOISES
Big old lead. This is James.

Yeah. The grill will just...

Remember, a Rolls-Royce is designed
to stop you driving like a hooligan.

It sort of says,
"Are you sure, sir?"

Mid-race check. Everything's good.
BUZZER SOUNDS

We're both suffering with gut sweat.
Yeah. It's interesting here,

you don't need your penis.

You drink and drink and drink and it
just comes out of everywhere else.

This is not needed.
Thank you, Dr

Clarkson, that's an
interesting theory(!)

Here we are at the finish.

'James, too, posted
a thoughtful and considerate time.'

'Now, we could only hope
the orang-utan would do the same.'

Jeremy. What? You're starting off
halfway across the line.

It's for fun! Why are you wearing
a helmet? I don't know. My helmet?

Because it wedges my head in,
so I don't roll about.

What's that on the dash? Stopwatch.

Why? We've got a stopwatch.
No, I want to see what I'm doing.

In three, two, one... go.

TYRES SCREECH
Yes, here we go!

The Jag, of course,
has a fine motor-sport pedigree.

And you can feel that pedigree
as I unleash it through the esses.

He wants to finish about 1:16.

Between the Mini and the Rolls,
because that what you'd expect.

Kiss the apex!
Power it out of there.

Up the hill.

The only problem I've got, really,
is the gear box won't kick down.

That's because it's a ZF
box, made by Germans.

And I'm just telling
you, if you're Indian,

"German" is a byword
for shoddy quality.

He'll stop.
He'll take a break before the top.

I told him to pause and then...

And there's the finishing line.
Power!

And so, in third place,

the Maruti jeep driven by Nitish.
Where are you? Well done. Well done.

And, in second place,
the Tata Nano, driven by Sorab.

Well done, well done.
Good man, well done.

So, the winner of the
inaugural Top Gear

All-India British
Hill-speed Climb Event...

is the Jaguar XJS driven by Jeremy...
HE TAILS OFF

Yes! There you go.
Thank you very much. So...

Oh, God...people of India.

'Thanks to Jeremy, the hill climb
had not been a diplomatic success.'

'But then, Jaipur itself gave us
an idea for making amends.'

'In 1876, the whole city was painted
pink to celebrate a visit

'by the then Prince of Wales.'
So we thought we'd reciprocate

'by splitting up and decorating
our cars to celebrate India.'

Right. I'm going to focus my efforts
on here.

What I'm going to go for is a flag.

I already have a Union Jack
on the roof.

If I put Indian flag on the bonnet,

it's kind of the two brought together
on one iconic symbol of Britishness.

It's like a hands across the ocean,
but it's hands across the windscreen.

That is good, that is good.
Nice. Look at that.

Yee ha!

It's good? Good?

You like a flock wallpaper?
BOYS: Yes, yes.

There's a design in the
middle which is...

Oh, it'll be something
like an eagley thing.

Eventually, I was done,
so I went to join Jeremy.

DRUMS PLAY

Loving your shirt.
Loving your boob tube.

It's a crop top is what it is,
and this is...?

That's for Anglo-Indian relations.

That's the British flag. Yeah, and
the...? That is the Indian flag.

But the whole car is Ganesh themed.

Ganesh being this elephant god?
Yes.

They have an expression,
"We're doing a Ganesh",

meaning making sure something
starts auspiciously.

I've got more elephant
themes inside.

Have you gone mental? No.

Oh, I'll just light my joss stick.
Get a smell of this.

Now, you see, that's weed!
No, it's not!

THEY LAUGH

Well, I have to say...
No, credit where credit's due.

YOU don't deserve any.

But wait until you see
what I've done to the Jag.

First of all, the flock effect
racing stripe. Like that.

But this is genius.

At some point on this trip, Hammond's
Bombay doors are going to break.

We'll be stuck
in the middle of nowhere

and he is going to beg me
for use of this.

What I've done in there... Well,
I... No, it's like an ice bucket.

You fill it up with chemicals.

This is the best thing I've ever
seen fitted to a car in India.

Everybody who comes here
gets the trots.

Yeah. And you've got...

No, it's very good. The thinking is
terrific. I've also tuned my badge

to match the temperatures
I'm experiencing in the car.

It's an Aga. I've taken the "J",
the "U" and the "R" out

and we're left with "Aga",
which is what it is.

'At that moment,
Rolf Harris arrived.'

What have you been doing?

Craftsmanship takes time.
Indian flag, Union Jack.

You see? It's a symbol
of British craftsmanship

and ingenuity brought together.
It's all there.

I'm pretty certain
that's not an Indian flag. It is.

There's a green, a white
and a red-orange stripe.

I didn't do the
red-orange because...

I think that's in Indian one
and the stripes go HORIZONTAL.

You'd recognise a Union Jack
if it was that way. HORIZONTAL.

You're looking at it from this side.
Hold on a minute.

You've got one there.
It's a grapefruit in the middle.

It's segmented. Would you agree
that what he's done is that flag?

Yes, near enough. Would you like to
know what country that is the flag of?

THEY LAUGH

Of all the countries YOU in
particular could have selected,

what you've done, Richard Hammond,
is paint on your Mini

the flag of Mexico.

God, I haven't, have I? You have.

Maybe you should put a piece
of lemon in the fuel filler neck,

see if it makes it go better.
THEY CONTINUE TO LAUGH

It was now time to head north
to Delhi,

to host our important
ambassadorial trade reception.

However, at that moment, James had
something more pressing on his mind.

Hang on a minute. Hang on a minute.
It's very hot in here and you two,

I left you two with my car yesterday
when I was in the tuk tuk.

Oh, dear. You've interfered
with my air conditioning.

It's coming out red hot.
'You took it off the train!

'How can we mess with something that
you told us was already broken?'

Yes, but it WAS working
and now it isn't.

Ha! 'You've been fiddling with it.'

So you're now saying it WAS working
and now it isn't working?

Yes, I was lying about it not
working. It works perfectly well,

I was just keen for you two
not to start messing around with it.

'Have you messed around with it?'

Well, in the spirit
of new-found honesty, yes,

we ruined your air conditioning.

Well, what was the bloody point
of that, you idiot?!

Gandhi made us do it.

What a pair of morons. That's all
they can do, break something.

They can't make anything or mend
anything, just break stuff.

It's the ruin of Britain.

The journey to Delhi
would give us our first taste

of life on provincial
Indian highways.

An experience which,
we'd been told, would be terrifying.

Let me give you
some alarming statistics.

Throughout India,
there are now 74 million vehicles,

roughly twice what we have
in the UK.

So you'd expect the death rate
to be twice as high. It isn't.

In Britain, around about 3,000 people
a year are killed on the roads.

Last year in India, it was 196,000.

That's 22 an hour.

This country has the most dangerous
roads in the world.

And they get worse at night.

This was a problem for us,

because as night fell, our overnight
hold was still 80 miles away.

And we were on the most dangerous
kind of road... a dual carriageway.

HORNS BLARE

Jesus Christ, that car's going
on the wrong side of the road.

Unlit tractor up ahead, chaps.

That's completely unlit.

An unlit wide-load in the dark
on an unlit road.

Oh, a man on the road. God!

Oh, this is tight. Oh.

Oh.

Oh, that was scary.

Bloody hell!
HORN BLARE

You know in England, when a child
is badly behaved, the mother says

"Your father will be very cross
with you when he gets home"?

Here, it's different. It's, "Your
father will be very cross with you"

"IF he gets home."

Oh, God. Oh, God!

Jesus, look at that.

I mean, Ganesh, look at that.

Blinded. Yep, can't see a thing.

That lorry's very close.

TYRES SCREECH

BLEEP

"Road narrows
for no obvious reason."

Oh, strewth!

Two nerve-jangling hours later,

we arrived at the town
where we'd be staying the night.

And as we refuelled,
I took my revenge.

Funny. Very funny.

Er, what James has done
is turned my heater up to full,

and then removed the heater knob
so I can't turn it back down again.

What a monumental bell-end he is.

The next morning, the dual
carriageway madness continued.

Only now, we could actually see
what was going to kill us.

Oh, God, now look.

Holy moly.

The man here just got out of his
lorry in the middle of the road.

Whoa!

HORNS BLARE
Oh!

I wonder how much else
we missed last night.

What else was going on
that we never saw?

So the Allegro survived the night
by the looks of things

and is still with us, with a very
miserable-looking producer at the helm.

Serves him right for having no faith

in these magnificent British cars
that we've chosen.

James, is your car giving
the slightest indication

it might go wrong?

No. Situation update.
HE HONKS HORN

Oil level
and coolant temperature good.

Everything working.
Engine is as sweet as a nut.

My karma is very good.

'And at the next fuel stop,
his karma got even better,

'as he turned his special
revenge gun on Hammond.'

James...
The seat is stuck forwards, James.

Have you missed
with the seat in my car?

Might have done.

Where have you put my knob?
I've forgotten.

It's so hot in there. Look.

My tablecloth has leaked dye
into my shirt.

'Several hours later,
we arrived in Delhi,

'where I decided
to have an accident.'

O... K!

'Sadly, there was no time
to worry about this small crash,

'because that night, we were hosting
our