Togetherness (2015–2016): Season 1, Episode 4 - Houston, We Have a Problem - full transcript

Togetherness - 04x04
Houston We Have a Problem

[laughs] Are you kidding me?

I'm gonna come back for that.

Oh yeah.

Okay, I can't wait. I wouldn't miss it.

I have to get off the phone.

I will.

Okay. Bye.

- He wants to take me to Palm Sp...
- [burbling]

He's gonna take me to Palm Springs,

in the desert.



Cool. When we get back, we
should all do something,

the three of us.

Me, you, and Larry?

Yes. Y'all hit it off at the party.

Did we?

Yes! Y'all were talking
about actors and movies.

Hmm. Yeah.

Anyway, thanks for coming
to Houston with me.

I told you I'd come, and I'm here.

♪ ♪

Wait, this is the valet?

Yeah, it's the valet.

- It's a new way of parking the car.
- You're gonna keep the car here?

I'm gonna let them take the car away.



- I'm gonna pay them for it.
- Brett.

Yeah, I'm full of surprises tonight.

Okay.

Michelle: Man, those couches.

Brett: Oh. I think we're
gonna have to fumigate.

Yeah.

It's Fart City, USA, in our living room.

It's crazy.

It's fun having everybody around.
It's like a big soap opera.

I like it too. I just...
I need to be able to go.

Yeah.

'Cause it's like, all day.

Yeah, you need to go out
and go to a nice restaurant...

- Exactly, thank you for doing this.
- With your amazing husband.

Yes. [laughs] My amazing husband.

Yeah. This place is great, right?

I really love it,

and I'm so impressed
that you found it, and...

I did my research. planned...

I looked online. You know, there's
even, like, a hotel here.

- Oh my god.
- Yeah, it goes all the way up.

- I bet it's so pretty.
- We should plan an overnight trip.

We should put the kids
with Peggy for the night,

we should get a room and sleep in,

and we can watch
"The Bachelor" if you want.

- I'll totally watch "The Bachelor" with you.
- Would you?

And just be like we were,
when we were, like, 28.

- I think that would be awesome, all right?
- That would be so fun.

Let's get our calendars
out when we get home,

- I would love it.
- And we'll just see, you know.

[Stammering] This...

For...

tonight?

I told you I was full of surprises.

♪ ♪

He's really a very attractive man.

- He's not nearly as heavy as...
- Shh!

Mom!

- Just grab a handful.
- Honey, don't get started with that.

- Honey, he doesn't mind.
- No, I mean, stick your hand in there

- and really, really pull it.
- Daddy. Honey.

Pull, pull, pull. Yep.

- Yeah!
- Yeah. Yeah.

See? That's going nowhere.

- Daddy, really?
- That hair is locked in.

You have the stuff?

- No. Well, your mother does.
- Oh.

We have a surprise for you.
We have...

a little present from Mexico.

It is a surprise.

- It's Rogaine.
- Honey, it's not...

Okay, it's Pelo Más.

- It's stronger than Rogaine.
- Oh.

You get it in Mexico.
It's more... hair more.

You wanna wash your hands
really good after you use it.

You need to wear gloves, honey.

Well, you really didn't have to do this,

but thank you so much.

And it was very thoughtful.

Aww, well, after everything
you've done for Kristina,

I mean, that's the least we could do.

Oh. What did she tell you that I've done?

Nothing.

You're her support system

and you're looking after her.

- And we see that, and we know that.
- Absolutely, absolutely.

And you, just adorable man.

[Phone ringing]

Michelle.

Hmm. Hi.

Hi, Tina.

Yeah, what's the matter?

I-I am in the bathroom...

What's going on?

Of a hotel right now

that Brett brought me to.

I-I can't even hear you.

Why is it so loud?

Tina: It sounds like you're
standing under a waterfall.

Yeah, I have the water on so he
can't hear me talking to you.

Yeah, I can hear you.

- What's the matter?
- Tina, he wants to have sex

and I don't know what to do.

Honey, you gotta stop overthinking it,

and you gotta stop talking
about it and just get it done.

I-I... I can't. I don't know if I can.

Michelle: The whole situation
seems insurmountable.

Get back in there, get your ass in
the air, and fuck your husband.

Okay, it-it's... it's very hard.

Look, if you have to suck
his dick, go suck his dick.

Pretend he's somebody else. I don't
care, but stop talking about it.

Stop calling me.
Get off the phone right now,

and get in there and do it.

Okay? And don't call me
until you've done it.

Thank you.

Okay, I love you.

[Chuckling]

You fucking tell Brett

and I will cut your balls off.

Great.

[Water running]

Hi.

Is it too much?

What? The...

Just the hotel, and the...

- There's a lot of naked ladies on the wall.
- There are so many naked ladies.

- You know.
- It's...

It's maybe... it's not your fault.

It's so nice, and so sweet,

and I'm excited.

I... Listen,

yeah, I just wanted this to be fun and...

It's so fun, it's so nice. It's perfect.

It doesn't... but I'm just saying it
doesn't have... we don't have to have sex.

We can take sex off the table.

Let's just put it away,

and let's have a nice, relaxing night.

There's a huge TV here.

I'm sure there are
a ton of bad movies on it.

Let's just watch a movie.

Really?

Yeah. And we... that way we can just relax.

Oh, Brett. That sounds so nice.

- All right.
- Okay.

Oh, I'm so happy.

What do they have?

All right.

What do they have?

This is pretty exciting, I gotta say.

♪ ♪

♪ All you gotta do
is put a drink in my hand ♪

♪ My head Monday morning... ♪

[Overlapping chatter]

What are you ladies talking about?

Vaginas and stuff?

- Oh my god.
- I need some information.

What exactly is a vagina,
and how do I get one?

Oh, I can get you a vagina.

- Really?
- Pam!

No, I mean... I didn't mean like that.

Oh my god.

Oh my god!

I gotta go. I think I gotta go
to the bathroom. I'm hot.

Oh, no, you're fine, you're fine.

- I'm just trying to help you out here.
- Oh my god, I'm sweating.

All right, everybody, cheers!

Cheers! Bottoms up.

Bottoms up, y'all.

- You know what?
- Yeah. Thank you.

I just heard you say
"y'all" and I like it.

Whoa, oh...

- Oh my god, Oh my god.
- Okay.

Aah! Welcome to Texas.

- Thank you.
- Whoa.

Where's Tiner wiener?

Oh, there she is.

[Shouting]

He was cute.

I know!

You know, you're supposed to
be teaching him how to dance.

I need a drink!

She's a little too busy

being felt up by the Marlboro man.

Oh, he just grazed my nipple.

[laughing]

- You want me to show you?
- Really?

What?

- Yeah, I mean...
- Great, yeah.

Yeah, let's do it.

[Cheering]

Watch and learn.

[laughing]

Oh my god.

I gotta see this.

Okay, you ready?

All right, so just put
your arms up like this.

Yeah. Okay.

And you need to be really strong.

- That's easy. I'm very strong.
- Okay.

You can move your legs, you can move
your feet, you can move your body,

but don't move your arms.

- Okay.
- Actually,

just put this arm here.

That's a good place for it.

Y'all, they look like a couple.

Like, off the bat.

- I don't... Well, is he single?
- Yeah.

- I would never date an actor.
- Why?

Because they look
like they would be a mess.

They are.

- Are you, really?
- I am.

- What grade?
- I teach kindergarten.

Oh my god, that's amazing.

Yeah, it's really fun.

I just get to play all day.

That's basically what I do.
I'm unemployed.

- You know, for the most part.
- No, you're an actor.

Yeah, but I'm really unemployed.

Oh, no. I'm sure... I think...

you're probably just being,
like, modest or something.

Eh, maybe a little bit.

I'm having fun.

Me too.

[Cheering]

Shake it, Pam!

Gotta drive...

I will give you this.

This final shot is iconic.

- He's free.
- Mm-hmm.

- Free!
- It's his own personal bio-dome.

I gotta tell you.

That was a brilliant choice, my friend.

Thanks.

I think that we should have sex.

Of all the things that brought you around,

"Bio-Dome" is what get...

is what gets you in the mood?

Mm-hmm.

Um...

No, I just...

I think it's important.

I do too.

Is there anything specific you want to do?

No. Don't worry.

[laughing]

You're safe, I'm not gonna hit you.

- We're good?
- Just regular.

Regular.

Yeah.

Okay.

- Okay.
- Awesome.

Hi, hot stuff.

Hi.

You're nice.

- I love you.
- I love you.

Kiss me.

Huh? Kiss me.

Yeah.

Okay.

Okay.

Let me get the pillow.

Here you go.

I'm... I'm fine.

- You good?
- Okay. Yeah.

- I just want you to be comfortable.
- Okay.

♪ Johnny rosin up your bow ♪

♪ And play your fiddle hard ♪

♪ 'Cause hell's
broke loose in Georgia... ♪

- You're getting good at this, Alex.
- You are awesome.

I can't really keep up with you.

Look at him. Oh my god.

Look at them!

They are so cute together.

I know. They are cute.

Go girl!

She's got, like, a twinkle
in her eyes. I know.

- ♪ The devil opened up his case... ♪
- I'm gonna go to the bathroom.

Okay.

♪ Fire blew from his fingertips
as he rosined up his bow ♪

I thought she was going to the bathroom.

♪ And it made an evil hiss... ♪

She's up to something.

- ♪ And it sounded something like this... ♪
- Oh.

- Damn, girl.
- What?

Where you been?

You want some of this or what?

- 'Cause I'm not waiting around.
- Depends.

On what?

- You want some of me?
- Yeah.

Do you?

Yeah, I really do.

♪ ♪

Hey, can you, um... can you spin me?

♪ ♪

Whoa. Nice moves.

♪ ♪

Were they taunting us just now?

I think they were.

- Should we do-si-do with them?
- Yeah, let's do it.

What should we do?

Okay, um, let's just doubletime.
I think we can catch them.

- Ready?
- Okay. Okay.

♪ Let me show you how it's done ♪
♪ Fire on the mountain, run boys run ♪

- Wait, I have an idea.
- Okay. Following your lead.

♪ ♪

Hey!

Yee-haw!

- She's gonna be so mad.
- Oh, he's so dead.

You know that dude?

- Yeah. Huh?
- Yeah.

I think we're in trouble.

I don't think so.

- That ain't cool.
- Oh, yes we are.

Get that hat back.

Oh, watch out. That's my hat, yeah!

Oh, dear.

Hey, can you dip me?

Yeah. Let's do it, then.

Aah!

Woo!

That's really impressive.

I don't know if I can do that.

♪ ...run boys run ♪

Oh, well.

♪ Devil's in the house of the rising sun ♪

[laughing]

- Woo!
- Do-si-do.

Okay, ready?

[laughing]

Whoo-hoo!

- Charleston, Charleston!
- Okay, go.

Boom!

[laughing]

I'll lasso you, cowgirl. Okay.
I'm bringing you in.

You're on fire.

[Song ends]

[applause]

I think we won that, right?

Did we win that?

Oh, it's not a competition.

Are you okay?

Yeah, I'm fine, why?

You? You good?

Yeah. I just... I...

I don't know.
It doesn't feel like you're...

totally hard.

No, I'm good. I just...

Sorry, I slipped out a little bit.

Okay.

- I'm just gonna get this right here.
- Okay.

Can you move this leg a little bit?

- Where?
- Yeah, right here.

Perfect.

- Yeah. Here we go.
- Okay.

Okay.

Do you wanna, um...

- What?
- Do you want me to do something different?

No. Um...
Did you want to do something different?

I'm sorry, I thought we were just...

- Do you want me to flip over?
- Grooving.

No, no, no, no.

I'm good with this if you are.

Wait, were you saying you want
to do something different or...

No, I'm fine, I'm good.

- It's just whatever's happening...
- No, I'm good.

Let's just get it going. I want to get...

I just feel like
you're trying to pull my legs.

Sorry, can we just not talk about it?
Can I...

Can we just not talk
about it for a second?

I just wanna get in, like, a rhythm,
if that's okay. Are you good?

Yeah. I mean, if you need something...
like, we should do it.

- But if you're... Okay.
- No, no, no, no.

I don't wanna, like, lose our momentum.

- Know what I mean?
- Okay.

Oh...

Okay, that's...

That's good.

Why don't we just do...

Like, do something...

It's fine. Let's just, shh.

Should I put my legs...

- Fuck. Hold on, hold on.
- What if I put...

Fuck!

Goddamn it! Fuck.

You know, I'm not a fucking, uh...
uh...

steel rod boner man, okay?

I'm 37 years old.

- I can't have a boner 24/7.
- Okay.

I'm sorry. Okay? I'm sorry.

Okay, listen.

I'm not asking for you to be...

- a steel rod...
- It feels like you're asking that.

Uh, boner man.

I'm... I was just trying to be helpful.

Well, you know what?
It's not helpful for me.

- It's not a big deal.
- No, it is to me.

- It's a big deal to me.
- Okay.

You're just getting defensive,

and you're mad at me for...

- Yes, I am mad at you, Michelle.
- Why are...

Do you understand it's hard
to get a rhythm going?

Like, I can't stop mid-fuck

and have a meeting with you

- about whether this is the right angle or...
- Jesus Christ, Brett!

I'm not trying to have a meeting.

I'm trying to have
a conversation with my husband.

Can you loosen up a tiny bit?

Well, I gotta get a rhythm going!

Can I not voice one opinion
without you freaking out?

Yes, you can voice your opinions,

but it's kind of hard
to get a rhythm going

when we're having conversations.

Will you stop saying "rhythm going"?

I can't have an international peace
treaty about the state of my boner

in the middle of making love. It's crazy!

I was asking you if you were okay.
I was trying to help.

Well, listen to me.

It's a little hard for me to loosen up

when I look down at my wife,
and her eyes look right back up at me.

And you know what they say?

They say that she is
dreading having sex with me.

That's not true.

Michelle, it is true, okay?
And you know what?

It might be a surprise to you,

but listen to this.

It's not that easy for me, either.

I'm not in love with having sex with
the same person after 10 years, okay?

I'm just trying to make it work.

I'm trying to get something functional.

- I need a C+, and the routine...
- Okay. Okay.

The thing that I get into,

is what gets me through it.
Do you understand that?

Okay. This is all great.
Can you keep your voice down?

No, I... 'Cause people can hear you.

I don't give a fuck
who hears me, Michelle!

- I don't care! I give a fuck!
- I care!

Clearly, you don't care about
anything that I care about.

How dare you fucking say that to me?

I do everything for you,

and everything for the family.

I care too much about what everyone needs.

I'm holding the whole thing up,

and the boner's just falling down,

falling down. I'm holding it,

and you can't fuck at all.
It's impossible!

That doesn't make any sense! It's absurd!

It's absurd! I cannot win.

It's absurd! It's fucking crazy!

It's insane.

[Door slams]

Yeah, he's got like a joke.

All right, well, thank you for the dance.

Thank you, you...

- Dance.
- Good night.

Good night!

I mean it. That's it?

I gotta take him home 'cause he's drunk.

Thanks for the dance. See you later.

Okay?

Thanks for nothing.

Don't be like that.

Get on, now.

Hey, let's go.

See you guys tomorrow at lunch, yeah?

Oh, I was actually gonna
hang out with Pam tonight.

What?

Yeah.

Oh...

But we gotta do all the stuff
we gotta do, remember?

You know, I can take him in the morning.

I can just drop him off at your place.
It's fine, right?

Come on, cowboy.

We gotta get... we got a tight schedule.
Okay?

- We'll see you tomorrow at lunch.
- All right.

Okay, come on. What are you doing?

Oh, wait.

You drive 'cause I'm drunk.

You're drunk, I know.

Just get in the car.

Oh, you're so sweet,
you know that I'm drunk.

Get in the car.

- Don't push me.
- Watch your head.

Bye, love you guys!

Bye! Love you too!

Get home safe.

Hey, it was so nice to meet you. Yeah.

We're just gonna...

Yeah, it was great meeting you.

Yeah, it was really good.
Maybe we'll see you soon.

Yeah, we'll, right...

[laughing]

I had a good time tonight.

I did too.

Well...

[horn honks]

Unbelievable.

Unbelievable.

[laughing drunkenly]

Well...

Good night, Pam Watkins.

Good night, Alex.

Good night.

You gonna get me a fucking
burger and a fucking...

- Yeah, I'll get you a burger.
- Close the door.

Bye, Pam, I love you!

[Sighing]

[door opening]

[scoffing] I am so sorry.

That was really...

weird.

That was a momentary lapse,

and please excuse that.

And I wish I could take that back,

and not say those things. I'm sorry.

But you did say those things.

And...

I just wanna know if that is how you feel.

Is that really how you feel?

Kind of.

I don't know.

I seriously... I don't know what to do.

Would you wanna go
talk to somebody with me?

I mean...

Sure.

You're in the crosswalk.

Really?

Who gives a shit?
It's 2:00 in the morning.

Well, just...

go back a bit.

The light's gonna change any second now.

What is the big deal?
Just back up a little.

Okay, let's go.

No.

No?

Well...

it's green.

I don't give a shit.

You know why?

'Cause you've been bossing
me around this whole trip.

You've been bossing me around
ever since I met you.

But you're not gonna tell me how to drive.

[Car honks] This is
dangerous, you fucking idiot.

That guy could have fucking killed us!

And you don't get to call me names,

and you don't get to tell me
who I can sleep with.

What?

You heard me.

I don't tell you who you can sleep with.

Are... are you kidding me?

That was the biggest cockblock

in the history of cockblocks back there.

[laughs] I'm not just gonna
let you sleep with my friend.

- Why not?
- Because.

'Cause you're a bossy,
cockblocking, control freak?

Because it's fucking weird, dude.

What's weird about it?

It's weird because it's weird

whenever you mix people
with their friends.

How can you not know that?

The light is still green!

Oh my god, I didn't know that!

So we can go out together,

and you can go home with Larry Kozinski,

- but I can't go home with Pam Watkins.
- That is so different!

Um, Pam is my best friend!

No. If I can't sleep with Pam,

then you shouldn't
be able to sleep with Larry.

[laughing drunkenly]

Just... you know... You
are so fucked up, dude.

- You are so fucked up...
- Don't talk to me.

That it's, like, kind of incredible.

Just don't talk to me
the rest of the night.

Could you possibly
go when it's a green light?

Oh, great.

It's a red now.

[Sighs]

You know what George Harrison's wife said

when they asked her what the secret is

to being married for so long?

No, I don't know what she said.

Don't get divorced.

I don't want to get divorced.

I don't wanna get divorced, either.

♪ ♪

Hey.

I'm really sorry about the cockblock.

And I was thinking...

maybe I could make it up to you

with a little handie.

Handjob.

Really?

[laughing]

No.

Are you crazy?

I don't know. Are you?

No.

Well, okay.

Thanks for that.

You want a hug?

For real? Or are you gonna give
me, like, a titty twister?

For real.

Okay.

Thank you for coming here.

Thank you for being my friend.

You're welcome.

Good night.

Good night.

[Door closing]

[sighing]

♪ ♪

♪ Well I spent a lifetime
looking for you ♪

♪ Single bars and good time
lovers were never true ♪

♪ Playin' a fool's game, hopin' to win ♪

♪ And tellin' those sweet lies
and losin' again ♪

♪ I was lookin' for love
in all the wrong places ♪

♪ Lookin' for love in too many faces ♪

♪ Searchin' their eyes,
lookin' for traces ♪

♪ Of what I'm dreamin' of ♪

♪ Hopin' to find a friend and a lover ♪

♪ I'll bless the day I discover ♪

♪ Another heart lookin' for love ♪