Togetherness (2015–2016): Season 1, Episode 1 - Family Day - full transcript

Togetherness- 01x01
Family Day

Mmm!

Mmm.

Come on.

- Hi. Good morning.
- Uh-uh. Uh-uh.

Did you say, "Uh-uh"? What... what's wrong?

- Where... what's happening?
- I thought...

Oh, dude.

So early. No.

Why are you...

- Sorry, I thought I had a signal. Sorry.
- All over me over here?



Sorry.

Sleep deprived right now.

- Okay, sorry, my bad.
- I'm sorry.

I misread that, sorry
about that. I'm sorry.

- That's okay.
- Okay.

Ow! Come on!

- You come on.
- Not cool.

Shaking all around.

- Sorry.
- Come on.

Take it outside.

- I'm sorry, okay?
- Take it outside.

And take the baby monitor.

Thank you.

Am I being evicted?



Where's all my shit?

Good Lord.

Brett, I'm getting evicted,
literally right now.

I need some serious backup.

Hey! Hey! That's my stuff!

That's... no es bueno!

Uh, get a U-Haul truck,
something, I don't know.

I need help stat, all right?
I'm sorry to call so early.

I love you, dude.

All right buddy,
let's get you all fixed up.

Come on!

I think we've had enough of those.

Please, I don't...
don't give me a vegan lecture.

I don't want to hear about
a food documentary, okay?

Let me just enjoy this right now.

I'm just trying to help. This is tough-love
time. Give me the fucking donuts.

- You want the donuts?
- Yeah, I want the donuts.

All right.

You can have them.

Thank...

You just did that right to my face.

Right in your face.

All right.

Those are my donuts!

Give me them!

Give it to me. Give me the bag of...

all right, you see?

You're a mess. Look at me.

All right, you got
a little bit right here.

Just a little bit. All right.

I'm sorry it came to that,
but it's for your own good.

I love you.

It's over.

- What's over?
- I'm done.

- You're done with what?
- I'm going home.

- You don't have a home. I have all your...
- To my mom's house.

To Detroit?

Yeah. The acting thing is not
happening, man. It's just...

it's fucked.

I'm fat. I'm getting bald.

I can't take the rejection anymore.

I can't take skinny, beautiful LA people
looking at me like I'm a fucking whale.

I don't think everybody
thinks you're a whale, okay?

People look at me, man,
they want to fucking harpoon me.

Okay, this is a setback. We've had these.

We regroup, and we triumph.

That's what we do.

What are you talking about?

Let me just take you back to 1995.

Senior year, high school,
"Jesus Christ Superstar."

You died on stage, you rose from the dead,

and everybody in
the audience fucking wept.

You moved them, okay?

Do you know who wasn't
weeping in that audience?

Billy Stayson.

He was sitting in the
front row doing this...

the whole time I was dying on the cross.

Why was he doing that?

Because I shared with him
my dream. I was like, "Dude,

I want to go out to Hollywood
and become a star." Uh-huh.

And he said, "If you do that,

you'll end up sucking dick
on Hollywood and Vine."

Okay.

Back then, I thought he
was an asshole. Mm-hmm.

But now, in retrospect?

He's a fucking prophet.

All right, green smoothie time.

We'll set up the couch for you.

- We're getting there.
- All right. All right.

Um...

Why are you sitting in the driver's seat?

Can I have the keys, please?

No, you may not have the keys.

All my shit's packed up in a U-Haul, man.

What more of a sign do I need?
There's nothing for me here.

Look, you don't understand, okay?

I need you here.

I have to go to family day, and be
at the beach, and pretend it's fun?

I don't think you understand.

I know that I'm the cog in the wheel

that maybe makes beach day
better for you... Yeah.

But I don't think you're seeing
anything from my point of view right now.

Alex.

What do you want me to say, man?

I need, like...

I need a day from you, okay?

Will you give me, like, a day?

Just come to family day with us?

Hi, Daddy!

Hi, Soph.

Hi. Hi, guys.

Hi.

Alex, I'm so sorry about your apartment.

Oh, that's okay, I'm sorry
I stole your husband again.

- That's okay.
- Hi, Sophie!

Hiii!

Do you want to come help with
this cooler or something, hon?

Yeah, of course. I'll be right there.

Please. Please, come on.

You got 24 hours.

Yeah!

Where is your sister, by the way?

- Is she still at that guy's house?
- Don't ask.

So, um...

what exactly is a Scarab boat?

Do you remember the, uh...

- the first season of "Miami Vice"?
- Yeah.

That was a Chris Craft Stinger 390.

The second season,

they started using
a Wellcraft Scarab boat.

That's what I have.

That's awesome.

I'll take you out on it.

I mean, not today, but, you
know, I'm racing today.

But some other time?

- Seriously?
- Yeah, that'd be great.

I would love that!

We don't have anything
like that in Houston.

I mean, we have lakes.

Here the weather's always good and
there's just so much stuff to do.

I've been thinking about making the...

the move... the move out west.

I just need a change and...

I really need to expand my business.

What do you do?

I wholesale bounce houses.

Ah.

That'd be fun, right?

I mean, no pressure.

I'm just thinking about spending more time
with my niece and nephew, and...

you, of course.

Yeah, totally.

So, what time are you
going to come get me?

Of course, yeah. I'll... uh, I'll text you.

Come here, you.

T.T.

Okay. Uh, bye.

That's my sister.

Hey.

Hi.

- Yo, let's go.
- Okay.

Dude, I didn't know you were coming.
That's so awesome.

What's up?

How are you?

What's happening?

I'm so psyched! The last time
I saw you was the wedding.

Uh, yeah.

Where you as drunk as I was?

No. No, I don't think anyone was
as drunk as you were, actually.

I saw you...

I'm in my living room,
and there you are, on my TV,

- doing a commercial for...
- Heartburn.

You were so funny.

It wasn't supposed to be funny.

What happened to your hair?

Uh, I lost it?

Brett, can we put some music on?

What's up with the bad juju in this car?

Light rock, but loud.

- He's having a bad day. It's fine.
- Yeah, he's fine.

And once we get him in the ocean,
the guy's going to be set.

He's like half-man, half-dolphin.

Hey, you know what I was
thinking would be kind of nice?

What's that?

If we take Frank in the ocean,
together, for his first time.

Just the two of us.

Yeah, that's a good idea.

- Do you want to do that?
- Totally, we should, yeah.

Hi.

Whoo!

- Can you just move over a tiny bit?
- Yeah.

Thanks.

That's happening.

Check it out.

Wow.

How long you guys been going out?

Um, well, only for... I mean, you know...

we met in Houston, then we
spent a few days together,

and then this whole week...
you know, I came here...

but, you know, I've been at
his place the whole time so...

Why hasn't he texted you back yet?

Oh, cause he's on a Scarab boat.

It goes so fast,
they don't have reception.

Oh, okay.

Can I ask you a question?

If you were a guy...

- "If"?..
- What...

- What?
- Huh?

You know what I mean.

What would this outfit say to you?

What do you want it to say?

Well, he's taking me to the airport,

we're having dinner before,

so it's... you know,
it's, like, a fine line.

But I feel it should be like,

"Oh, the nice girl." You know what I mean?

But just a little bit. So just...

probably overthinking it, but, you know...

You nailed it.

Thanks.

Hey, what are you doing?

What?

Huh?

What the fuck's going on?
Are you jerking off?

- Are you...
- Am I what?

- Are you whacking off?
- Jerking off?

Whacking off? That's... why
do you have to be so gross?

Shh. Fuck.

I thought... I thought you
were taking a nap in here.

You're having a fucking...
a fuckfest by yourself?

What is this?

I'm sorry! I'm sorry, okay?

I thought maybe I would
take a nap, I just...

Cause, you know, nap time
is a little valuable.

I would've liked to have
been working out while...

- Okay, I'm sorry.
- What... what are you...

You came in here, and I was reading and...

What are you fiddling
with under the covers?

What are you... squirming, and
you're playing with your boobs.

I don't... I'm not playing...
I'm not... I just...

Clothespins?

Why do you have clothespins on your boobs?

I don't know!

You know what? I've been
depriving myself of the internet

in hopes that we can
make love at some point.

Come on! And you are...

You've not been depriving
yourself of the internet.

The cache is always cleared.

- It is not!
- Always clear.

I clear the history because the router
has issues for streaming movies.

- Oh my God!
- Oh my God.

What is going on? What...

He broke up with me.

Are you fucking kidding me?
You're screaming because...

Don't talk to her like that.

Shh! Tina!

Okay. Can we go outside and
talk about this please, Tina?

If you fucking... don't touch me!

You don't have to walk me out the door!

- Shush! Shh shh!
- Oh my God.

Do yourself a favor and don't shush me.

- Will you calm down for just one second?
- Whatever you do,

- don't shush me!
- I will shush you!

No, I can't calm down!

- There are kids in the house...
- Oh.

And I thought that something
horrible had happened.

- Something horrible did happen!
- And I didn't have any...

He broke up with me! Did you
not hear what I just said?

Okay. I didn't know that
you guys were going out.

What did you think we were doing?
It was news to me.

What did you think we were doing?!

I thought you were
hanging out and having...

You thought we were fuck buddies?

The reason you think that is because
you have no respect for me,

you have no respect for my decisions...

Tina... and you don't
take me seriously at all!

You don't even know
what's going on with me,

and you don't check in to find out.

Oh my God, I have been calling
you every fucking day

and saying, "Hey, do you want to
come have dinner?" I'm sorry that...

Do you want to tell me what's going
on with you? ...you want to spend

my entire future with your married,
perfect, little nest of a family.

Oh yeah, it's so perfect.

Do you know what it's like
to be dating at my age?

Okay. And to not have
found anyone at my age?

Do you have any idea what it's like?

It's pathetic.

There's nobody left.

I'm just going to end up alone and a freak

like Aunt Edie!

Oh! Oh, Tina.

- Fuck, I can't believe it.
- Oh, Tina.

Oh my God, that's a real
thing in your mind?

It's not even possible.

Come on.

Oh, honey. You're so beautiful.

You're so special.

I don't care.

You're not old.

I feel...

- so old.
- No, you're really not.

You're perfect. You have
everything, I don't have anything,

and I'm older than you.

Tina.

Listen.

Why don't you come out with us tonight?

What?

Come with me and Brett,
come on date night with us.

No, no, no, no, no.

- Please.
- Honestly,

it sounds like y'all really need your...

Nope. No.

I don't want to go.

What if I need you to go?

- What are you talking about?
- Everything's fine.

- What's the matter?
- I can't...

I was just discovered.

What are you talking about?

Okay, I was fucking jerking off.

I don't know how else to put it.

I was touching myself.

It all sounds creepy.

He walked in, caught me,

and acted like he walked in to the
middle of a fucking gangbang,

like I'm doing something so kinky.

I was doing something a little...

I had some clothespins. I was...

What?!

Forget I said that. It doesn't matter.

Anyway, the point is,
he came in, he went crazy.

"Why don't you want to have
sex?" Because I can't...

it's very hard for me to...

Wow, okay, so that's a lot
you just unloaded on me.

- I'm sorry.
- And just consider it done.

I've got your back tonight.

Oh my God, thank you,
thank you, thank you.

I've got your masturbating,
fucking slutty back.

So, this is date night?

Yeah.

Yup.

What happens after this?

What do you mean?

There's not really an... after.

There's a dessert, usually,

and we'll... sometimes, we'll stay here
or we'll go to like, another place too.

Yes, we'll go to Froyo.

Yeah, that's good.

I like frozen yogurt.

It's so good.

- The toppings.
- Yeah.

How does everybody like the wine?

A little too oaky for my tastes.

He is being facetious.

I'm sending it back.

Oh, Tina, no. Whoa.

- Hey!
- Hey.

- Who the fuck do you think you are?
- Oh, shit.

Who the fuck do you think you are?

- Okay, Jesus.
- You break up with someone over text?

All right, knock it off,
can I get my hat back?

You can't get your fucking hat back!

I didn't break up with you, by the way.
Okay? I'm not your boyfriend.

Yeah, I know you're not my fucking
boyfriend. That's not the point.

The point is how can
you be so fucking rude?

And you should fucking
have better manners than that.

And when did you meet her?

Was this today? Did you meet him today?

- Don't answer her, please.
- I just want to know.

Did you meet him today?
That's all I want to know.

Okay, this is why...

this is why I did not respond to your
thousand calls and your fucking texts!

Because you're batshit crazy, lady!

Tina Morris! Oh my God,
I haven't seen you in so long!

- Tina Morris!
- What are you doing?

I thought you were
still back in the Congo!

It's me, it's Alex.

We worked with Priscilla together
at the Jane Goodall Institute.

You don't remember?
You don't recognize me.

Okay, I've changed.
I've lost a little hair.

Here's a little visual aid for you.
Do you remember now?

Picture me... I'm in a jungle.
There's bananas everywhere.

Get away. Get out of here.

Get away from me!

- What are you doing?
- You gotta know when to fold 'em,

you gotta know when
to kick 'em in the nuts.

Follow me.

Do you have any more toilet paper?

Yeah, there's more in the back.

- Can you get it? All of it?
- Sure.

Hey, Bo, go ahead and get the rest
of the toilet paper from the back.

Here, eat this.

I... I don't... I don't want...

You eat it. It'll make you feel better.

I know shit.

Strawberry Hill?

You know it.

Yeah!

Listen up, every motherfucker in this
van is chugging Strawberry Hill,

right now, or else they get kicked out.

Yes, I'm in.

I'm driving.

Then get back here
and chug before you drive.

- Let's go. I'm not fucking around.
- All right.

Tina, give me your phone, now.

Easy, Michelle, easy.

Ah, thank you. Here we go.

Your music library is insane.

- Oh, that's awful.
- It's so good.

Oh, how's that? Go ahead, Michelle.

You know it, bitch.

Whoa.

Oh... yeah.

Whoa. I'm gonna snort.

- That's dirty.
- Shut up.

Rebel!

They look like they're having so much fun.

Yeah, they do.

I have something I need
to get off my chest.

I'm not sure you're going to like it.

Wha... wow!

I told you.

Oh shit, car. Car!

Car! Go, go!

Go, go, go, go!

Aah! Oof.

Come on!

Over here!

Is it safe?

All clear.

Aah!

I wonder what that
douchebag's face looks like now?

I know, it's, like, um, confusion...

a little bit of fear.

- Jesus, this foot stinks.
- Blow me, dude.

Aww, shit.

So much gluten in this taco.

There's no gluten in there, dude.

It's delicious.

You guys, I don't want to
be the party-pooper, but...

if we're going to get to the airport
on time, Tina, for your flight,

we got to get moving.

Boo!

I'm not going.

I just...

I really am done with Houston.

I figure I just gotta keep moving forward.

Would y'all mind if I stayed
with you for a little longer?

They seem really excited.

Yeah, of course.

Of course you can stay.

You're family.

Mmm!

Whoo!

All right, come on, lady.

This way.

Here's our room.

- Hi, bed.
- You got this.

Yeah, I just... Put that
whole thing down there.

I'm just tired.

Totally.

I'm a little... that wine
is a little much, but...

Yup.

These honkin' shoes.

Oh.

All right, sit up for a second, hold this.

You're gonna be really happy
about this in the morning.

Oh. Oh, so smart.

- You got it?
- Mmm.

- Yeah.
- All right.

Lay it down, lady.

Thank you for thinking about that.

Let it all go. It's all over.

Oh, thank you.

You're such a good husband.

Yeah.

Mm-hmm.

Why don't you want to
have sex with me anymore?

I don't know.

Hey.

Nice.

Oreos.

Where'd you find these?

What is your plan?

After I eat these Oreos?

- Yes.
- Or before?

Oh, what I meant was are
you leaving tomorrow?

I don't know yet.

Oh, well...

are you gonna fucking decide?

It's tomorrow.

Why... why do you... why so
many questions? I don't...

No, no, I was just curious,
you know, what the...

you know, how long the living
arrangements are gonna be...

Oh... like so.

- Oh! Oh, I see.
- Because, you know...

I see. You're trying to edge me out.

No, I just think that you know, it's...

when I stay somewhere I like to have,
you know, my stuff, and my space.

- Yeah, mm-hmm.
- You know.

I can't sleep with just any circumstances.

I need it to be quiet.
I need it to be dark.

- You know, I need things...
- Wait, you need it to be quiet?

- Well...
- Uh-oh.

Do you know what a deviated septum is?

Oh no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no,
no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no.

It's gonna be fine.

This is what it's gonna be like.

Honestly, I don't think
that's funny... at all.

That's real.

Well, why don't you get
an operation or something?

Get a hotel room. It's easy.

I'm her sister.

It makes sense that I sleep here.

You get a hotel room.

I have no money.

Well, that's pathetic.

Are you kidding? I know. It's horrible.

I have no money.

This is so awesome. I really just...

my life is so abundantly full
of blessings, gifts and joys.

We're gonna have a blast.
We're going to be roomies!

You were supposed to leave for Detroit.

We're gonna share stuff, like...

like stories, first of all.

We're gonna share stories,

uh, sweatshirts.

Maybe not that one.

- No.
- Underwear, socks.

Nope.

Even share cookies.

Cookies.

Don't come near me.

- Don't. Don't.
- ♪ Here's the little cookie ♪

♪ Here's a little cookie... ♪

- I'm not gonna eat that cookie.
- ♪ Open up your mouthie... ♪

Get your fucking stubby, fat hands
away from me... ♪ Eat the cookie ♪

♪ Eat the little cookie... ♪

- 'Cause I'll killing you in a minute.
- ♪ Eat the little cookie. ♪

There we go!

- Oh God.
- And touchdown.

Houston Cougars, seven points.

Actually, six points.

It'll be seven with the extra point.

Somebody get me a revolver.