To the Manor Born (1979–2007): Season 3, Episode 5 - Cosmetics - full transcript

Did you have a good day in Taunton?

Yes, I went to go and get some wool
for this cardigan.

But they've discontinued the colour.

You have been knitting it for two years.

I don't know what I'm going to do with it.
I suppose I'll give it to the jumble sale.

(Helicopter whirs)
What on earth is that?

That's Richard's helicopter.

No, that thing that looks as though
it's dropped off the moon.

It's a sculpture.
Oh, I don't like it.

That's because you don't understand it.

It's an eyesore.



Richard's told me all about it.
It's awfully avant-garde and all that sort of thing.

It'll have to go.

Aud, you can't tell people what to do
on their own land.

It may be his land, but it's my view.

Come on, Bertie, we're going to see DeVere.
And you, Marjory.

Looks as though you've missed him.

Off on one of his business deals, I suppose.

He's hardly ever here these days.

Yes, why is he away all the time?

So that he can afford to live here.

Let's have a closer look
at that thing from outer space.

Richard says it's concrete poetry.

Who told him that?
The sculptor, I suppose.

That's his idea of poetry?



It's a woman.

How many women do you know
who look like that?

It's not any particular woman.
It's...a feeling of womanhood.

If that's how you feel,
I'm surprised you can get up in the morning.

That dog has a highly-developed critical sense.

(Laughs)

So, which of our cosmetics
do you wish to retail in your supermarket?

The complete range of Dutoit's Peut-étre.

Monsieur DeVere, you ask me to grant
a franchise of our brand name

to what is in effect no more than
a country grocery.

(Laughs) Well, we're based in the country, yes.

But we're a nation-wide chain
and we only handle quality products.

I shall have fo satisfy myself of that.

You're very welcome to visit my headquarters
at any time.

It's at my country estate in Somerset.

Ah, I may be able to make it
on my way back to Paris at the end of the week.

You'd be very welcome.

I would like fo be able to take you at your word,
but my father would not have allowed it.

He always insisted that one should have full
knowledge of the companies one is dealing with.

He was right.

And that one should establish
close personal relations with the chairman.

Excellent business practice.

Yes. He was a great man, my father.

He built up the entire
Dutoit pharmaceutical empire

from nothing, in one generation.

You know, you are not unlike him,
Monsieur DeVere.

Well, I'm flattered.

His greatest wish was that I should one day
find a man like him,

but alas it was never to be.

Until...now, perhaps?

Do I take it that you might approve of us
handling the...

Dutoit Peut-&tre brand?

ler...

I shall have to get to know you a little better first.

Madame...is this part of your usual...
negotiating procedure?

Only, in England, we don't like to mix...

pleasure with business.

Something is troubling you, Monsieur DeVere.

The thought of the little wife at home,
perhaps, huh?

(Laughs)

Ah...yes.

Yes, I'm a married man.

Oh, no offence.
Of course, you're very attractive.

It's just that...I do have to consider my wife.

But of course.
One can tell so much about a man from his wife.

So they say.
I should very much like to meet her.

Yes, well, we must arrange it.
I thought we already had.

What?
I'm coming to your estate this weekend.

N'est-ce pas?
N'est-ce pas? Oh, yes, of course.

I shall draw up a contract
and if I like what I see, we sign the deal. Oui?

Oui.

You must take your wife
some of our beautiful things.

Oh, thank you. She...
She always wears Peut-étre.

Oh, c'est magnifique!
You must take her the entire range.

No, this sample case will do fine.

She must be quite something,
this wife of yours.

I can't wait to meet her.

I see there's another jumble sale
for the hassock fund.

They been round collecting yet, Brabinger?
Not yet.

Your usual, madam?
Mm, please.

That decanter looks very empty.

I fear Mason's have ceased delivery, madam.

We have to collect our groceries
ourselves now, do we?

We're also expected to settle the account,
madam.

Oh, well, just half a glass tonight, Brabinger,
in case we have visitors.

Cooee!
Oh, in here, Marjory.

You're just in time
for a very small glass of sherry.

Oh, super.
Thank you, Brabinger.

I've come to collect for the jumble.

Ah... Have you any jumble, Brabinger?

Not that I can spare, madam.

I'm in much the same position.

Oh, come on, Aud.
You've got to have something.

I know we live in a throwaway society,

but I've got absolutely nothing left
to throw away.

I see what you mean.

Why don't you ask DeVere?
I'm sure he's got lots of jumble.

Starting with that concrete piece
of Gruyere cheese out there.

Oh, honestly, Aud,
you're dreadfully Philistine.

In 200 years, that will be known as the epitome
of womanhood in the 1980s.

Well, if that's what womanhood feels like to you,
I should see a doctor.

Mr DeVere, madam.

Good evening.
What a lovely surprise.

Hello, Richard.
Hello, Marjory.

What would you like to drink?
Thank you.

I'd like...
A sherry. A sherry for Mr DeVere, Brabinger.

Richard, we were just saying this morning,
we don't see enough of you.

I do have to be away rather a lot.

Oh.

Thank you.

I'm sorry about the glass, sir.

It's too large.
Of course.

I suppose it's business that takes you away.

Well, I can't handle everything from here,
unfortunately.

I've just been negotiating for a franchise
in cosmetics with Claudine Dutoit.

Er... She heads one of the largest companies
in the world.

The Christina Onassis of pharmaceuticals.

Oh, so Madam Dutoit
has been keeping you in London?

Oh, Mademoiselle, actually.

But I'm going to be here until Thursday morning
to go over the details with a fine-tooth comb.

She's coming for the weekend.
To stay with you?

Yes, and with any luck, I'll be able to...
clinch the deal and sign the contract.

Gosh. Big business sounds very exciting.

Yes. There's just one slight snag
and I was wondering whether you could help.

Both of us?

Well, only one of you can do it, actually.

You're going to think it
the most frightful cheek to ask.

You want to show this Dutoit person
something of English country life?

It's a bit more than that.

This is her letter confirming her visit.

Seems a perfectly ordinary letter.
Read the last sentence.

"I look forward to meeting your wife."
But you haven't got a wife.

That's the slight snag.

Well, i's a perfectly natural mistake on her part.

It's not a mistake. She thinks I'm married.

Where did she get that idea?
From me.

You see, at our last meeting, she um...
Well, she propositioned me.

How old is she?
Well, she's at that...

Well, what the French call "that certain age”,
when a woman's at her best.

Oh, I say, how exciting!
What happened? Do tell.

Nothing.
Nothing?

No, with the deal in the balance,
I didn't want to...

accept or risk offending her by refusing.

So I did the happily married man bit.

You know, the little wife at home,
idyllically happy all that sort of thing.

(Women laugh)
It seemed like a good idea at the time.

What are you going to say to her?

That she's been called away unexpectedly?

Or that you murdered her!

No, I shall have to produce a wife.

I'm sure you can hire one in London.
Yes.

In London I might have got away with it,

but down here I need someone
who knows their way around

and knows the people
and who won't put a foot wrong.

So... was wondering...

whether either of you
would care to take on the job.

Pretend to be your wife?
Yes.

At the manor?
Yes.

For the whole weekend?
Yes.

Certainly not.

Apart from anything else, it would be dishonest.

No more dishonest than selling somebody else's
honey with your name on it.

That was business.

Well, we can put this on a business footing.
No. I really don't think I could do it.

I think it would be fun.

Why don't you simply tell
this Mam'selle Dutoit the truth?

If she found out I was lying about my private life,
she'd be suspicious about everything else.

My accounts, for example.

We're just about to sign
and there's an awful lot of money at stake.

-llidoit.
Don't be silly, Marjory.

How could anybody expect to get away with it?

There's no problem. Mother's not there.
Where is she?

I packed her off to London to see her old friends.

What about the staff?
They needn't know anything.

As long as they call me madam.

You'd really do it, Marjory?
Of course.

Marjory...
I think it would be a tremendous lark.

I'll say that my roof has fallen in or something,

so that it gives me an excuse to spend the night.

Or would you like me for two nights.
Marjory...

I think two nights would be a good idea.

Then I can get under the skin of the part.

Marjory, do stop rattling on.

Richard can't possibly have you as his wife.

Why not? He asked me. Didn't you?
Yes, and I'm very grateful, Marjory.

Oh, gosh. Not at all. Any time.

Do be sensible, Marjory.

Richard needs somebody
who knows the house inside out.

Round the grounds and all the rest of the estate.
You couldn't do it.

Of course I could.
No, Marjory.

For one thing, you've never been married.

Well, I don't see what difference that makes.

It gives one authority.

And you are not a fforbes-Hamilton.

The Frobishers have been here just as long.
But not at the manor.

Please. I don't want you to fall out over me.

We are discussing our suitability for the job,
nothing to do with you.

Sorry.
Clearly I would be the more suitable.

Well, I think Richard should choose.

The judgement of Solomon?
No, thank you. I wouldn't dare.

This business footing you talk of.

Would you sign something to that effect?

Yes, of course.
All right, I'll do it.

Well, I'm tremendously grateful, Audrey.

Oh, and fo you, too, Marjory.

Couldn't I be your daughter?

Well, you...you certainly look young enough.

To be my daughter, I mean.
Marjory will have quite enough to do.

Will I? What?
Looking after Bertie for me.

What, madam, may I ask is this?

Brabinger, it's what it feels like fo be a woman.

You poor madam.

I had no idea.

Good heavens, Brabinger,
just look at all this.

It's certainly different, madam.

This house is part of Britain's heritage.
It looks like a hairdresser's salon.

Do you sit on that
or play the Post Horn Gallop on it?

We shall have to make some changes.

Yes, madam.
And what on earth is this?

I couldn't say, madam.

I suppose it's what it feels like
to be a shaving brush.

Let's make a start, Brabinger.

Open the suitcase.
Yes, madam.

Now...the photos.

Now, put the one of me
off fo the palace garden party over there.

And I'll put this up here...

Now who on earth is that supposed fo be?

It's difficult to tell, madam.

What was wrong with the Turner?

See if you can find it and put it back.

Very good, madam.
Where would you like the rest of these?

Um...we'll have... Let's see.
Those two over there.

And there's me at Badminton,
with the Queen in the background.

Royalty always impresses the French.
I'l put it up here.

I'm beginning to feel quite at home again.

Now, Mr DeVere will be back tomorrow.
There's a great deal to do.

We'll start by removing the Post Horn.

Oh, good afternoon, Mr Mason.
It's Mrs fforbes-Hamilton speaking.

Er, no, not from the lodge.
From Grantleigh Manor. Yes.

Brabinger tells me there's been some problem
with my grocery order.

Well, I'm ordering some things
for Mr DeVere this weekend.

For the manor. Yes.

So I'll send someone down with a list

and then you can deliver my order to the lodge
at the same time.

Yes, I thought you might find that
more convenient. Thank you. Goodbye.

Hello. What are you doing with
my mother's shaving brush?

Oh.

It's your mother's, is it?

Surely you didn't think it was mine.

Well, it goes with the nude over the fireplace

and the piece of concrete Gruyere cheese
outside that's supposed to be a woman.

What's Brabinger doing here?
He's our butler.

I told you not to tell anybody.
Brabinger isn't anybody. He's Brabinger.

He'll add a touch of class to the place.
It could do with it.

If you're going to keep criticising...

Richard, mam'selle whatshername
is going to think that I am your wife.

That's the whole point.

She will also think that I am responsible
for the furnishings and decor.

It may not be to your taste,
but surely you can pretend.

After all, it's only a game.
Yes, that's all itis.

But I do think it's very sporting of you.

Oh, thank you.

I've changed the dinner menu tonight.

I thought your friend would want
something English.

So we're having baron de boeuf.

Oh, I've got a present for you,
just to show my appreciation.

Oh, how very thoughtful of you.
What is it?

It's what all the world's most beautiful women
are wearing. Peut-étre.

I've never heard of it.
No, it's very exclusive.

It's a complete make-up case.
They're very expensive.

Very brave of you -
a man choosing a woman's make-up.

A husband's prerogative.
(Helicopter whirring)

That must be Mademoiselle Dutoit now.
I'l go and meet her.

Oh, will you sign this first?
What's that?

It's our business arrangement.

Really, it's not necessary.
It was your suggestion.

Oh. Yes. Oh, all right.

There we are.
Thank you.

Welcome to Grantleigh.
Thank you.

(Exclaims) C'est magnifique.

Yes, well, my wife and I
are very interested in art

and she wanted this so what is a man to do?

She certainly has an eye for the modern.

Yes. Well, why don't you come in and meet her?

Oh, yes. I'm looking forward
to meeting your wife.

Oh, what a charming room.

Er...thank you.

Isn't that a Turner over the fire?

(Laughs) Oh, no. I's a Hockney.

No, it's a Turner.

You mean, "Yes, it's a Turner," don't you?

That's what I mean. Yes.

Please sit down.
Thank you.

What beautiful flowers.
Yes, my wife arranges them.

It's a particular art of hers.

Ah, mam'selle, how lovely fo see you.

Enchantée, Mrs DeVere.

I'm sorry I wasn't here to greet you
but I'm sure Richard has looked after you.

Oh, yes.

Yes. Well, I think I'd better go
and see that your pilot knows...where to go.

Excuse me.

Is Brabinger bringing tea, darling?

Darling?

Yes, darling?
Is Brabinger bringing tea?

I think so, darling.
Thank you, darling.

I was just admiring your beautiful flowers.

Oh, thank you. A little lady
comes in from the village to do them.

She's rather good, isn't she?
I'm hopeless.

Thank you, Brabinger.

You're too modest, you know.
Your taste is impeccable.

Thank you.
Especially in modern art.

That magnificent sculpture out there.
Where?

We passed it on the way in.

Oh, that.
Yes, your husband said you chose it.

He did?

Well, I like to try and keep up to date.

In everything, it would seem.

You are wearing Peut-&tre?

How clever of you.

Um, milk?
Yes, please, but no sugar.

It's hardly clever. One should be able
fo recognise one's own products.

You manufacture Peut-&tre?

Didn't your husband tell you?

He wants to sell it in his supermarkets

and he's anxious to retail this particular product
because he says you use it all the time.

Tea, darling?
Thank you, darling.

(Richard hums a tune)

Milk?

Of course, darling.

Sugar?
Darling, surely you know after all this time.

Sorry, darling.

You have a very sweet tooth, Monsieur DeVere.

(Laughs) Yes.

Like a sandwich?
I'll get them, darling.

I'll get them, darling.
You talk to Mam'selle Dutoit.

No, you talk to her, darling.
You know I hate sugar.

And I hate free samples.

I'm sorry, Mrs fforbes.
I'm going ferreting tomorrow.

The ferrets will have to wait.
Mr DeVere wants this done as a priority.

And then he wants you to paint the fences
at the lodge and do the potholes.

I'm not painting them.

No, Ned, you're fo fill them in.

I'd better have a word with Mr DeVere
about this.

No need. I have his full authority.

Oh, well, if you say so, Mrs forbes.
Yes, I do.

And while I'm here,
would you please call me madam.

Oh, very sorry, I'm sure...madam.

Thank you, Ned. That will be all.

"Call me madam," she says.
That's for indoor staff. I'm an outdoor man.

What's going on?
None of your business, Ned.

Oh, pardon me for living, Mr Brabinger.

Excuse me, madam.
Where will you be having drinks before dinner?

Um...in here for a change, I think, Brabinger.

Very good, madam.
RICHARD: Darling!

Would you tell Brabinger
to serve drinks in my office?

Tell him yourself.

Yes, I'll tell him, darling.

Thank you, darling.

Miss Frobisher, madam.

Marjory, what are you doing here?

I've come to see how you're getting on.
I'm having a wonderful time.

Oh, Brabinger, Mr DeVere would like
the drinks tray in his office.

Very good, madam.
What's she like?

Rather too attractive.
And French, if you know what I mean.

Oh, dear.
You should see the make-up in the morning...

That's all right, Brabinger.
We'll have drinks in here.

Marjory, can I introduce you to my guest
Mademoiselle Dutoit?

Oh, I've been looking forward to meeting you.

How flattering. And you are?

I'm... I'm a friend of Mr DeVere's...

and Mrs DeVere.

Such a pity you have to go.

She has to feed her dog.

Oh, you have a dog?
Yes, haven't you, Marjory? At the lodge.

Oh, you mean Bertie.
Yes, that's the one you have to feed.

From the bowl of scraps
under the draining board.

Oh, well, I'l say goodbye, Mam'selle Dutoit.

Goodbye, but nobody has told me your name.

Mrs fforbes-Hamilton.
I'll show you out.

Some drinks, Brabinger.
Very good, madam.

Qu'est-ce que voulez, mam'selle?

Oh, merci. Campari et soda, s'il vous plait.

Campari. Trés bien.

Will you be having your usual, sir?
Yes, please, Brabinger.

Oh, by the way, what is your usual?

Really, it was excellent. Wonderful.

Thank you both.
It was a most enjoyable evening.

I really had a wonderful time.

I'm so sad we couldn't find our wedding album.

Another time, perhaps.

Now I really must go to bed.

We have a busy day tomorrow.
Is that not so, Mr DeVere?

Well, I hope that we can mix business
with pleasure.

But of course.

Goodnight.
Goodnight.

Oh, don't forget I'm showing you
around the estate after breakfast.

I look forward to it enormously.
Bonne nuit.

Bonne nuit.
Goodnight.

Well, I think I'll turn in, too.

Just a moment.

I rather want to have a word with you.

Are you trying to make a fool of me?

What's that about our wedding day
and me being sick with nerves?

I thought it provided a certain verisimilitude.

And I wish you'd stop
moving the furniture around.

When I sit in my favourite chair,
I expect the damn thing to be there.

It really was rather funny.

It won't be funny if I don't clinch this deal.

Oh, don't fuss, Richard.
I'll soften her up for you in the morning.

Well, I don't want any more ridiculous stories
about our married life.

I'm not sure having you as a wife
was such a good idea.

Oh, well, I can always go home

and you can go upstairs
and get yourself propositioned.

No, you can't do that, Audrey.
Oh, yes, I can.

Oh, please! It would ruin everything.

And besides...
Besides what?

I rather enjoy having you about the place.

Allright. I'l stay.

The English countryside
really is beautiful in the summertime.

Lovely, isn't it?

Oh, look. Mrs fforbes-Hamilton.

(Horn honks)

Hello, Mam'selle Dutoit.
I hope you're enjoying your stay.

It's absolutely delightful.
Morning, Mrs fforbes-Hamilton.

Good morning, Rector.
Oh, good morning, Rector.

We can't stop. Bit of a hurry.

Isn't Mrs fforbes-Hamilton a charming lady?

Oh, yes, charming.

Not at all like her reputation.

It's all settled, darling. We've agreed terms.
Oh, good.

You might like to see
the signing of the contract

since you had so much to do with it.

No, no. I leave
all the business matters to Richard.

Don'tl, darling?
Yes, darling.

Just as my father always used to say,

"Business for the boardroom,
not the bedroom."

Exactly.

But at the end of the day
there is always the bedroom. N'est-ce pas?

Shall we...?

I can't tell you what a pleasure it has been
fo meet the woman behind the man.

You're very lucky to have each other.
Yes.

If you'd just like to sign that one...
We shall need an independent witness.

Perhaps Mrs fforbes-Hamiltton?

Mrs fforbes-Hamilton?
Yes, from the lodge.

Oh, well, wouldn't Brabinger do?
Yes, if you prefer.

Oh, Bedrich. Would you pay the taxi man?
He wants over £70.

And we only came from London.
Mother! You're not supposed to be here yet.

Oh, London is not what it was.

Too many foreigners...
Oh, Audrey, what are you doing here?

I'm

I'm watching Richard sign a contract.

Oh, money games, is it?

Even as a child it was always Monop...

Introduce me, Bedrich.

Oh, sorry. Mademoiselle Dutoit, my mother.

Enchantée, madam.
How do you do?

Excuse us a moment.

What's that foreigner doing here?
Shh.

I'm about to sign an important business deal.
Don't you say anything.

About what?
About anything.

Particularly about Audrey.
All you need to know is that we're married.

Oh, this is wonderful news!

Oh, congratulations.

I always said that what he needed
was a good wife.

Mother, I told you not to say anything.

Well, have I said something?

Oh, no, you've only ruined one of
my most important business deals.

Mam'selle Dutoit, I think my husband...
Oh, don't bother.

We may as well come clean.

Mademoiselle Dutoit,
as you've probably gathered by now...

Audrey is not my wife.

But you said you were married.

Oh, please, Mother.

In fact, I don't have a wife at all. I invented one
to get out of an awkward situation...

the other day, without offending you.

And then, of course, I had to produce her.

And I volunteered for the job.

I quite understand if you want to cancel the deal.

(Laughs) Certainly not.

I'm flattered.

Besides, you forget, I am in cosmetics.

Making money out of masquerade.
(Laughs)

It was a pleasure dealing with a man
who understands business as I do.

Now I shall sign.

Perhaps next time...

..it will be the marriage certificate.

Right. All we need now is the witness.

Did I not say that Mrs fforbes-Hamilton
would do?

Please.

You knew all the time?

Nearly all the time.
Oh, dear.

I thought I was giving such a good performance.

But you were.
You could have lived in this house all your life.

And you were a perfect hostess.
Oh, thank you.

Now I really must go.

The solicitors can take care of the rest.

Right. Goodbye, Mrs... I nearly said Mrs DeVere.

You should think about it, you know.
You are perfectly matched.

Do I not keep telling him?

But does he listen? Oh, of course not.

What does a mother know of such things?

Goodbye, Mrs DeVere.

Polouvicka.

Pardon?
I am Mrs Polouvicka.

We don't have time to go into that just now.

That was a narrow squeak.
Thank you. You were wonderful.

What?
You were wonderful.

Thank you.

Audrey...

Um...

About what she was saying.

Mam'selle Dutoit?
Yes.

Perhaps she was right.
What about?

Well...do you think there is a possibility that...

My statue?

What's happened to it?
I had it moved.

You did what?
It was spoiling the view from my windows.

Who gave you the right to move things around?

You did. You signed this.

"And to grant all rights which exist
by right of office...

ie. a wife's prerogative."

I thought you always read the small print.

"potholes, garage roof...

grass-cutting, fencing..."

Nothing about statues.

Oh, that comes under a wife's prerogative.

Where have you put it?

Somewhere out of my line of vision,

where it will be more widely appreciated.

You're not the only art lover round here.