To the Manor Born (1979–2007): Season 3, Episode 3 - Horses Vs. Cars - full transcript

Thank you so much for joining me.
It was most kind.

I'm enjoying myself.

You know, that big house,
it can get very lonely.

Yes, I remember.

But here, all is bustle
and cheerfulness.

- We must come again.
- I'm so glad you like it.

It was an old coaching inn,

where they used to change the horses
on the London to Land's End road.

- They went all that way by coach?
- Yes. You can see how it used to be.

Oh-ho, how glad I am
to live in the age of the motorcar.

What would we do without it
in the country?



Specially you. You are so busy.

Yes, I'd be lost without my Rolls.

The meals on wheels, the parish work,
Girl Guides, old people's club.

Oh, you have an old people's club?

- You should join.
- Really?

- Well...we need some younger people.
- Oh.

Well, perhaps it might be amusing.
What do they do?

Come in when we get back
and I'll give you a list of the events.

Oh, you are so kind.
Always doing things for other people.

It's what I was brought up to do.
It's my job, if you like.

We have a saying in old Czechoslovakia.

"The willing horse is always tethered."

- Ah. The bill.
- Oh, no, no.

- I said this was fo be my treat.
- No, I couldn't think of it.



No, I insist. Bedrich's firm will pay.

It's tax-deductible.

Entertaining overseas customer.

- Who's the overseas customer?
-lam.

I come from overseas
and I buy things at the supermarket,

so I'm a customer.

Sometimes
I feel that my expensive education

did absolutely nothing
to fit me for this modern world.

There you are.
That's the way they used to travel.

Oh, it looks terribly uncomfortable.

Specially if you couldn't
get a seat inside.

When they travelled on the outside
they covered themselves with straw.

Thank goodness
we don't have to travel like that.

Very well, John. Thank you.

Mm, this is the way to travel.

Yes. Very nice.

Well...if you want a car like this...

You're matchmaking again, Mrs Poo.

Besides, I've got a car like this.

- It's antique.
- Exactly. A valuable antique.

Bit of a drag on the market,
these long-case clocks.

It's worth hundreds
in sentimental value.

You can't sell anything
at its sentimental value.

Oh. Good afternoon, madam.

Good afternoon, Mr Anderson. I hope
Mr Brabinger's been looking after you.

Keeping an eye on me, more like.

I do feel Mr Anderson
is undervaluing everything.

I'm sure he's only doing his job.

Isn't that the estate agent
who sold us the manor?

Yes, that's right.

What about my bathroom doorknob?

- Doorknob?
- Comes off in your hand.

Has done ever since we moved in.

And he wouldn't
knock a penny off the price.

You're...not selling things, are you?

Of course not. Mr Anderson's just doing
some...valuing for insurance purposes.

Now, er, the old people's club.

Here we are. You see,
there's whist drives, bingo,

beetle drives,
the old people's seaside outing.

If anything takes your fancy,
just ring the organiser.

- Who's that?
- Mrs Proctor. The number's there.

Thank you. You are so kind. I must fly.

Well, thank you for a lovely lunch.

And don't let him diddle you.

Remember my doorknob.

Goodbye. Now, mind how you go.

Bye again.

It's not selling.
We are merely realising our assets.

Thank you.

- Excuse me.
- Oh.

That's Great Uncle Gussie.

There's quite a market in family
portraits. It might fetch quite a lot.

With all his servants, itll be
the first time he ever fetched anything.

Americans hang them in their ranches
as their English ancestors.

- We can't allow that, madam.
- Oh, be brave, Brabinger.

Great Uncle Gussie won't mind.
He always wanted to go to America.

(Whirring overhead)

- (Knock on door)
- Yes?

- Can I come in?
- Of course.

You should come
and see your poor old mother more often.

I never quite know
what you get up to in here.

This is my private room.

I can get up to what I like.

Er, what is a...beetle drive?

Er... Good Lord, I don't know.

What's the matter with you, Bedrich?

- I've got something to tell you.
- About Audrey?

No, it's not about Audrey.
Why d'you keep going on about Audrey?

- She thinks the world of you.
- How do you know?

- I had lunch with her today.
- Been matchmaking again, have you?

It's got nothing to do with Audrey.
Come and look out of the window.

Oh. I heard it.

- Who's here?
- I am. I's mine.

- That thing?
- I've just bought it.

- What are you going to do with it?
- Learntofly it.

Oh, Bedrich,
you will be careful, won't you?

Of course, Mother. My instructor says
itll take me about a month to learn

- and then I'll take you up in it.
- Oh, not me.

In that case,
I'l... I'l just have to ask Audrey.

She will not appreciate
you showing off in that thing.

Shell love it.

It will only remind her
of what she has lost.

I don't see why. She never had
anything like a helicopter.

- No, but she had a Rolls-Royce.
- Oh, the family heirloom.

- Not any more.
- Why? You mean she's got rid of it?

I have just seen that Anderson man
valuing her things.

She said it was for insurance,

but her car is not in the garage
so it must have been sold already.

How's she going to manage without a car?

That's what I have been thinking.

Why don't you do something about it?

- You mean give her a car?
- You can afford it.

Yes, but I don't think she'd accept it.

- Why?
- Well, it's charity, you see.

Well, tell her
it's to help her in her work.

- What work?
- Charity work.

Visiting, meals on wheels,
Girl Guides...

All right, Mother.
I'l... I'l think about it.

She's putting a brave face on it.

But I don't think she'll care for that.

Who is that?

My instructor.

And I don't think
she'll care for that, either.

I never seem to get
any white envelopes these days.

Nothing but brown ones
with those nasty little windows

so the postman can tell everyone
how much you owe.

It's no use, Brabinger.
Those hats are made of fluff.

- This one's from Maribury Motors.
- About the Rolls, madam?

They've relined the brakes,
whatever that is.

But they're keeping hold of the car
until we settle the account.

Are you allowed in law to...
impound people's property like that?

"Backlog of bills over several years."

It's inflation, you know.
Tradesmen never used to ask for cash.

I don't think
my father even knew what cash was.

No, madam.

Do they realise how much we need
the car? What about our meals on wheels?

- What will happen to the old people?
- We'll starve, madam.

Not you, Brabinger.
I mean MY old people.

There's the seaside outing next week.

I do have a few savings, madam.

That's sweet of you,
but you'll probably need those.

MARJORY: Anyone at home?

- Oh, you are in.
- Miss Frobisher, madam.

I thought you were out.
The car's not in the garage.

Unfortunately, that's just where it is.

- No, it's not.
- No, not MY garage.

- I mean Marlbury Motors.
- Oh.

How are we going to manage
without the car?

Mrs Proctor's coming round in hers.

- Oh, then I'm not needed.
- No, I'm sorry.

Rather you than me.
She drives like a maniac.

You can't do meals on wheels
without wheels, and hers were available.

She drives
as if she were riding a horse.

I've been with her
when she's fried to take the jumps.

Let's hope you don't have to
ask her to drive you too often.

- It's only till I'm mobile again.
- How long will that be?

As long as it takes me
to find the cash for the garage bill.

Cash? Where are you going to find that?

From the money I save
by not running the car.

- (Doorbell)
- There she is.

You can't go on like this.
You've got to get a job.

I've got a job. This is my job.

If I didn't do it, it would be done
by some civil servant at 20,000 a year.

Mrs Proctor, madam.

- Good morning, fforbes.
- Morning, Mrs Proctor.

- You on parade, as well, Frobisher?
- No. Audrey got muddled.

That's not like her.

- Ready, forbes?
- Booted and spurred.

Bit of a nuisance, this, old chap.
When are you going to be mobile again?

Well, Rolls-Royces
do tend to take a little time.

I'm going away next week, do you see?

Ah. Well, I...
I might be mobile by then.

Good. We need your car
for the old people's seaside outing.

- Got you down for five old things.
- Five?

Yes, the funny foreign old thing
from the manor wants fo come.

Do you mean Mrs Poo?

Is that her name? Oh, well,
said fforbes promised she could.

- Yes, I did.
- So you can manage five, then?

- Have I ever let you down?
- Knew I could rely on you, fforbes.

Noblesse oblige.

That's just what I was saying.
Wasn't I, Marjory?

She thinks she's saving the country
20,000 a year.

Oh, at least, yes.

Three of us here are worth
half a dozen cabinet ministers.

- Where are you going for your holiday?
- Horse of the Year Show.

I'm trying to find somebody to run
my riding school while I'm away.

But you just can't find
the right people.

- Oh, who are the right people?
- Well, you, fforbes, me.

US sort of people. You can pay
top rates for riff-raff these days.

- Top rates?
- You have fo.

Union's got you by the fetlocks,
do you see?

I dare say I could find time
to run your riding school for you.

Really, forbes?
Oh, I say, that's capital.

One thing, though.

Look, you won't like it,
but I insist on paying you.

Oh, well, if you insist.

We mustn't upset the union, must we?

Good. I'l fill you in on the meals run.
Come on, best foot forward.

Don't look at me like that, Marjory.
Itisn't a job as such.

(Clattering hooves)

Right, now, feet out of the stirrups
and dismount.

Fiona, dismount.

Now, don't forget your horse
is far more important than you are.

He's more valuable, too,
so make sure he's comfortable first.

Off you go.

You're back early.

I want to do some shopping
before they close.

Did you collect the money
before we went out?

- All here, Mrs forbes.
- Thank you. I'll take it.

Splendid.

- Shall I take him?
- I told you. I'm going shopping.

I'l have my basket, too, thank you.

- Same time tomorrow, Linda.
- Very good, Mrs forbes.

Bye.

Linda.

Can we get that cleaned up?

That pony trap?
Hasn't been used for years.

Then it's high time it was.

- Is this yours?
- No, it's Mrs Proctor'.

- Are you the responsible driver?
- I am riding it, yes.

Good, cos I'm wondering
where to stick this.

Well, if you stick that on my horse,
I shall report you to the RSPCA.

- You have it, then.
- I don't need a polythene bag.

It's a parking ticket.
You are in a pay-and-display area

and you haven't done neither.

I haven't done either

for the very good reason
that this is a horse, not a motorcar.

It's a mode of transport
and it's parked illegally.

It is not parked. It is tethered.

And in case you hadn't noticed,
it has four legs, not four wheels.

There's nothing to say I can't book it

because it hasn't got
a windscreen to stick a ticket on.

Well, there's nothing to say
you have to pay to park horses.

D'you want me to have you towed away?

Look, I'm trying
to make your job easier.

If we all used horses,
we wouldn't need traffic wardens.

No. We'd all be road-sweepers.

To be honest, I'd rather handle
a pencil and pad than a shovel.

You have it.

Are you coming out?

Oh, it's you, Mrs fforbes-Hamilton.

- Er, yes.
- Oh, good.

I mean, yes, it's me.
But no, I am not coming out.

Not until this man
takes back his ticket.

Ticket? For a horse?

It's an illegally parked horse,
Reverend.

It's not carrying
a pay-and-display ticket.

Ah. Well, do you think you could
continue your discussion somewhere else?

No, I am not moving from here until this
stupid little man takes back his ticket.

Go on, laugh.

You don't seem fo realise
I am trying to preserve the environment.

All you're doing
is causing a traffic jam.

(Horns tooting, blaring)

- I'm trying to park.
- (Laughter)

- (Horse whinnies)
- Quiet! You're frightening the horse.

I shall report you
for causing an obstruction.

I'M causing an obstruction?

It's not me. It's all these filthy,
stinking machines.

And this is what I think of your ticket.

- CROWD: Ooh!
- Go on. Cheer.

It's time somebody struck a blow
for the horse.

You'll need him
when the oil wells run dry.

- Are you coming out or not?
- No, Rector, I am not. Not for a car.

And when you've
all lost the use of your legs,

don't come running to me.

And you! Stay away from my delphiniums!

- Hello, Mother. Did you see that?
- That crash landing? I saw it.

It's the first time I've done it
ON my own.

Do you want to kill your old mother?

How could I? You weren't there.

But I have to watch every time
you fry to land and try to take off.

It's bad for my heart.

Oh, don't be silly, Mother.
1 got caught in a crosswind, that's all.

Are you staying for the weekend?

Yes. Battersea heliport to here
in 80 minutes.

It used to take that long
fo get to Taunton.

Oh, please let him get over it.

Let him get it out of his system

and become my Bedrich again.

By the way, Mother,
I've taken your advice.

- I've bought a new car for Audrey.
- Oh, good boy!

Oh, she will be delighted.

Well, I'm not so sure.
I'l have to sow the seed.

You know, emphasise the social value
of beetle drives and meals on wheels.

Er, make out that it's not so much
a personal present,

more of a gift to the community.

When are you going to give it to her?

It's being delivered
Saturday lunchtime.

I want it to be a surprise
so I thought I'd take her out.

- To the Old Coach?
- Good Lord, no.

It's very good. 12.50 for two.

Yes, well, I want to make
a special day of it,

so what I thought I'd do
is fly her over to Paris

and lunch her at Maxim's.

While we're away,
they'll deliver the present,

- s0 when we get back, there it is.
- Ohl

Good boy. Come on.

Good boy. There we are.

Yes, madam, I will ensure
that she receives your message.

Yes. Without fail, madam.

Goodbye, madam.

- Who was that?
- Mrs Proctor, madam.

She regrets that she won't be returning
for a few more days.

Could you hold the fort
at the riding school?

Certainly. They have a wonderful system
there. Everyone pays in cash.

(Snorting)

Miss Frobisher, madam.

What on earth have you got
in your garage?

- A tadpole.
- It's a horse!

If you could see that, why ask me?

- Well, what's a horse doing in there?
- It's parked.

It's my new mode of transport.

- You bought a horse?
- No, it's one of Mrs Proctor's.

But I've been going into it.

Look... Oh, sit down.

I can afford to pay for
the repairs to the Rolls.

But I can only afford to run the car
if I don't actually use it.

So...the obvious thing
isto get a horse.

Aud, do be practical.
You can't use a horse all the time.

They used to in the old days.

But they didn't have
meals on wheels then.

True. I've often wondered
why I felt guilty about meals on wheels.

1 know. The food is disgraceful.

No, it's not the meals. It's the wheels.

Using up
the earth's precious oil resources.

But... Oh, Lord, it's Biggles.
Quick, take the other end of this.

- Come with me.
- Why? Audrey, what are we doing?

Hold this.

Audrey. Can you spare a moment?

This is my chance
to have a word with him.

What about?

The way he's destroying the quality of
life with that obscene machine of his.

Richard, I want to have
a serious talk with you.

- Good. Tell me tomorrow at lunch.
- Lunch?

Yes. I'd like you to have lunch with me.
I've got a table booked at Maxim's.

Maxim's? In Taunton?

- Paris.
- Lunch in Paris?

Oh, Richard, that's impossible.

- It's possible in this.
- In that?

Mm. We could flip over to Paris,
have lunch...and be back again by four.

- Really?
- Mm. What do you say?

No, I'm sorry. I can't. I've got
the riding school in the afternoon.

- Can't you get out of it?
-No, I need the m...

Erm, I... I need to be there.
Another time, perhaps.

Erm, there can't be another time.

- Why not?
-Em...

Because I want to have
a serious talk with YOU.

What about?

I'll tell you tomorrow at lunch.
At the Old Coach restaurant.

- Mother says it's very good.
- Lovely.

I'll erm, meet you there about 1pm.

Right.

Marjory, the blanket
was meant for the flowers, not you!

I have enjoyed my lunch, Richard.
Thank you.

Not quite Maxim's, I'm afraid.

- Well, you couldn't expect it to be.
- Not at £12.50 for two, no.

You haven't said what you wanted
to talk to me about yet.

Your helicopter.

I'll take you up in it
any time you like.

I don't want fo go up in it. Ever.

You didn't say that
about going to Paris, did you?

Well, that just shows
how easily I can be seduced.

I wasn't thinking of anything
quite like that, Audrey.

No, I meant seduced by advertising,

by the power of the multinationals,
pressure from the media.

- What are you talking about?
- Ecology.

Gas-guzzling, energy-consuming
people like you,

with your helicopter and your Rolls.

What about YOUR Rolls?

There was only one thing wrong
with it. It used petrol.

Well, hardly any form of transport
doesn't use oil in some form or another.

Exactly. All the problems
in the world today

- are caused solely by oil. Take Persia.
- Iran.

Iran, then.
They wouldn't have problems

ifthe place wasn't full of
little Persians drilling for oil.

- They should stick to making carpets.
- But we live in an oil-based economy.

It's doomed, Richard.
I realised it was all over

when they introduced
self-service petrol pumps

and the AA men stopped saluting.

The misery the motorcar's subjected us
to. I've finished with them.

1 tell you, if somebody came to me and
offered me a brand-new one on a plate

I'd tell them
exactly what to do with it.

Audrey, you're really...
terribly attractive when you're angry.

But surely you need a car.
What about your meals on wheels?

Oh, I've got wheels.

That was lovely. Thank you.

My pleasure. I'll give you
a lift to the riding school.

No, I'll give YOU a lift.

Good boy. Lunch is over. Thank you.

Come on. In you get.

John. Follow this cab.

Right, fasten your seatbelt. Walk on.

This is the way to travel. We're getting
about as nature intended. (Chuckles)

(Roll of thunder)

All right, Richard!

Whoa. Stand. Stand still.
Can I drop you here?

Yes. Fine. Thank you.

- Oh, Lord, who's that?
- Er... nobody.

- No, I mean whose car is that?
- Er, i's... Er, it's mine.

But you've got a Rolls and a helicopter.

Yes. Er, I... I bought it
for a member of the staff

and they must have
delivered it here by mistake.

Will you move it?
It's going fo be in my way.

(Hurt) All right. Awfully sorry.

- Thanks for a lovely lunch.
- Thanks for the lift.

Bye. Walk on. Good boy.

Bye.

(Sneezes)

For sale, one Mini Metro.

Coffee, Brabinger.
I suppose it's a bit early for a drink.

Scotch.

Scotch, Brabinger?

Well, how did it happen?

Level-crossing gates.
Went slap into them.

What a shame.
So you didn't have a clear round?

What are you talking about?
I was in my car.

- Oh, I see. I thought you were riding.
- Horse would have jumped ‘em.

- Car went straight through.
- Horses are much more sensible.

Reminds me.
Why is my horse in your garage?

And what are you doing
with my pony trap?

I'm trying an experiment -
living without a motorcar.

- Where's your Rolls?
- I've erm...given it up.

What about
the old things' seaside outing?

- Oh, I'l manage.
- You'd better. I can't drive.

And my car's a write-off.
Can't cope without your Rolls, forbes.

- You promised to take five.
- I won't let you down.

Don't know what we'd do
without chaps like you and me.

- Noblesse oblige.
- Absolutely.

- Right, well, leave it fo you, then.
- Coffee, madam.

- I'm just off to London, Mother.
- In that new toy of yours?

Of course. Where are you going?

To the seaside
with the old people's club.

- Ah.
- Audrey's picking me up.

- What in?
- Well, her car, I suppose.

- She's given up her car.
- Well, she must have got it back.

Perhaps she'll take you
in that little buggy.

I should think it most unlikely.

She's taking five of us.

She really is
the most frightful hypocrite.

She lectures me about pollution
and energy consumption

and she's still driving around
in that Rolls of hers.

I don't know how she dares.
The damn woman.

- Bedrich.
- Hello. All ready?

Oh, yes. Just my coat, my dear.

- Hello, Richard.
- Audrey, you're thoroughly two-faced.

Bedrich, that is no way
to speak to someone

who is kindly taking your mother out.

One minute you're going on
in high moral tones

about energy-consuming people like me

and the next minute you're ferrying old
dears around at ten miles to the gallon,

belching out lead and monoxide
all over the place.

- You can't have it both ways.
- Oh, I know that.

What have you got to say for yourself?

You're really rather attractive
when you're angry. Come on, Mrs Poo.

Why don't you join us?
I'm sure you'll enjoy yourself.

Your carriage awaits.