To the Manor Born (1979–2007): Season 1, Episode 5 - The Summer Hunt Ball - full transcript

But, Brigadier, I can't give you a new car licence.

Nonsense, Mrs Patterson.

Look, here's all the bumph. Old licence, MOT
certificate, insurance certificate, cheque for £50.

All present and correct. What's the problem?

You need your reminder.

If I needed a reminder,
I wouldn't be here, would I?

You have to have
a vehicle licence application form.

More bumph. All right, where is it?

You can't get it from me. It's sent to you.
From Dundee.

What's Dundee got to do with it?

That's where the reminder comes from.



I've been renewing my licence here for 30 years.

Never had to go to Dundee before.

You don't have to go there.

It's all computerised now.

Oh, that explains it.

Good job we didn't have computers at Alamein.

I could give you a V10.

What's that, an aeroplane?

No, it's a form you fill in
when the computer gets things wrong.

All right, hand it over.
You can have it back in a jiffy.

Now, you have to take that to your nearest
local vehicle licensing office.

And where's that?
Taunton.

Good grief.

This country's run by a bunch of idiots.



Stay outside, Bertie.
I don't want you to pick up any fleas.

Oh, Mrs Patterson,
there's an abandoned car in your hedge.

That's mine.
I thought it might be, Brigadier.

You've been driving around
with "Tax applied for" for the past six months.

And what if I have?

Remember, I'm a magistrate. It's my job
to root out that kind of hooliganism.

Have you tried getting a new car licence lately?
No.

Well, I shouldn't bother. Worse than
the obstacle course at Battle School.

I leave all that kind of thing to Brabinger.

Really? I thought he was dead.

No, it was my husband who died.

Of course it was.

Remember now.

Glad you popped in, Audrey.

Something I want to see you about.

Well, here I am.

It's about the summer hunt ball.

I take it you'll be in charge as usual
up at the manor.

No, not this year, Brigadier.

Not? Damned inconvenient, that.

Somebody on the committee get out of line?

Soon sort that out.

I don't live at the manor any more.

The summer hunt ball's
always been held at the manor.

Yes, by gracious permission of
Mrs and Mr Marton fforbes-Hamilton.

Ahh!

See what you mean. Marton's in no position
to give his permission this year.

I should have asked him before he...resigned.

Wouldn't have made any difference.
The manor's changed hands.

You'll have to ask Mr DeVere's permission.

DeVere? He the new chap?

Haven't seen him around.

Does he play cricket?
Most unlikely.

So, the rumours are true, are they?

What rumours?

The word is that he's not quite...

You know. Not quite English.

I think that's something
he wouldn't want talked about.

No, who would?

A fellow who's not English
and doesn't play cricket?

The poor chap's marked for life.

Well, I'd better go and see him.

Tell him the score, what?

I think you should be prepared to
look for another location.

Mr DeVere runs his grocery empire from the
manor and doesn't take kindly to local activities.

Mrs Proctor had trouble with him
over the pony club gymkhana.

Well, that won't do.
The fellows got to be shown his responsibilities.

Quite right. You go and show him.

And as soon as he's agreed, I'll hand
the organisation over to you as per usual.

No, I'd rather not have anything to do with
the hunt ball this year.

But without you to organise it,
the whole thing'll be a cock-up in a tin hat.

I wouldn't have put it quite like that
but it's very kind of you to say so.

Now, off you go and show Mr DeVere
where his duty lies.

Shop.

Oh, super.

I've won!

This is the last straw.

What is?

Being beaten at Scrabble by someone who can't
put together a word of more than three letters.

Look at your brilliant wordplay.

Cat. Dog. Pot. Nice.

That's four letters.

It's not a word you should use.

It's just about the worst thing
you can say about anybody.

The word you are looking for is "charming".

I didn't have the right letters for "charming".
Which reminds me, how is Mr DeVere?

How you can put Mr DeVere and "charm"
into the same breath is beyond me.

Come on, Audrey, he really is very nice.

You mean charming.

I didn't mean that.

He's got about as much charm
as Grimsby Dockyard.

You're still sore about that fireplace.

Well, he behaved disgracefully.

My turn will come.
I shall get my own back. I promise you.

Mr DeVere can come and change my fireplace
any time he likes.

Don't be taken in by the suntan

and the hair attractively greying at the temples
and that mysterious aura of power.

You see, you do find him attractive.

I'm simply saying that he looks as if he
stepped straight out of Barbara Cartland.

It all comes out of bottles, you know?

I just adore that twinkle in his eye
when he looks at one.

Twinkle? That's a nervous tick.

Well, I suppose it might be
when he looks at you.

I shall ignore that remark.

Hello... Visitors.

Here?
No. Up at the manor.

Nobody ever comes here.

It's Brigadier Lemington. He's seeing DeVere
about the summer hunt ball.

Why? You always run that.

Not this year.

The brigadier was put out
when I told him this morning.

Well, if you're not going to run it, who is?

The brigadier's wife, I suppose.

Still recovering from that fall she had
at the point-to-point.

In that case, Mr DeVere will have to sort it out.

Of course, he may say he doesn't want
a lot of people in red coats

whooping it up all over the manor.

And if that gets out, it won't be the fox
the hunt will be after.

They'll be in full cry after DeVere.

Wouldn't that be lovely?
Audrey, you are naughty.

Why? I don't live at the manor any more.

So can't give my permission
for the ball to be held there.

And as for organising it,
I can't even afford to go this year.

Not at £10 a ticket
with nothing to wear and no partner.

They might have to cancel it.

They can't. The invitations have gone out.

They have? Who sent them?
I did.

But that'll cause utter chaos.

Yes, it will, won't it?

What's today's wheat price over there? Hold on.

Yes.

No, that's too high for coffee.
Bring them down a point.

Don't buy wheat today.
The price is going to drop.

Buy tomorrow.

Well, let them sweat. Buy tomorrow.

Never buy today
what you can buy cheaper tomorrow.

I must pass that on to my wife -
help her with the shopping.

Only one snag. How do you know
it's going to be cheaper tomorrow?

Because I'm not buying today.

Never seems to work like that in my case.

Some things you can't buy at any price.

Tried getting a new car licence lately?
No.

You have to go to Dundee for it.

Who's got time for that sort of nonsense?
Well, certainly not me.

Now, what can I do for you, Brigadier...

Lemington.

Somerset Rifles.

Were you in the army?
No.

That's funny. Could have sworn I'd
seen you somewhere before.

Alamein, perhaps?
No.

Anyway, I thought we'd better have a chat
about our annual get-together.

You know all about it, of course.
Not yet, Brigadier.

That's funny. Everyone else does.

I am rather busy,
so if you could come to the point.

Right, Master of Fox Hunt, that's me,

requests permission for use of Grantleigh Manor
for summer hunt ball. Got that?

Thank you. Clear and concise. Granted.

What?

Permission granted.

Really?

That's very decent of you.
Audrey said you wouldn't.

Oh, did she?
Said you didn't care about local activities.

What else did she say?

Said you didn't play cricket.

Well, no. That's quite true. I don't.
That's a pity.

No, I'm a non-playing member.
Oh? Which club?

MCC.
I say!

You couldn't get me a ticket for the Lord's test,
could you?

Possibly. Anything else?

Any chance of getting
young Brearley's autograph?

Not for me, you understand. For my grandson.

Grandson.

My grandson. He collects that sort of thing.

If the opportunity arises. Is that all?

Yes, that's the lot.

Can't wait to see Audrey's face when I tell her.

That I'm letting you have the manor?
No, no, that you're a member of the MCC.

Oh, I knew there was something else.

Can I take it
you'll be running the thing as per usual?

What thing?
The hunt ball.

Job rather goes with the manor, you see?

I'm afraid I'm going fo be far too busy
with my own work to organise a hunt ball.

That's awkward.
The thing's got to be organised.

Why don't you do it? You're the Master.
Not my line, organising things.

Spent most of my life in the army.

The brigadier's still there.

How do you know? Can you see his car?

I can do better than that. I can see him.

Both of them, in fact.

You don't mean you can see
right into the manor?

Yes, of course. Why do you think I moved here?

Audrey, I think that's dreadful.

Can I have a look?

First floor, third window from the left.

Oh, gosh, you can see absolutely everything.

Yes, I know.

Would you say Brigadier's looking harassed?
Distinctly. He's waving his arms about.

Oh. I's a good job I can't lip-read.

Most satisfactory.

I believe you planned this whole thing.
What do you mean?

You're hoping Mr DeVere will come to you
and ask for help on bended knee.

Whatever for?

Because he won't be able to
cope with the hunt ball.

And you'll be able to show him the estate
can't function without you.

Well, that's true enough. It can't.

Those can draw right across now.

Oh, lovely. We don't want people peering in.
I do think privacy's very important.

I don't understand why Audrey
can't organise the thing.

She can.

You keep saying that she can't.

I keep saying she won't. A different thing.

Tricky language, English,
until you get the hang of it.

Were you at Tobruk?

No.

All right, then, why won't she?
Says it's your funeral.

Oh, did she?

So that's her little game.

Right, Brigadier,
there are three things we can do.

Firstly, we can change the venue of the hunt ball
to somewhere else, a hall perhaps.

Can't do that. The invitations have gone out.

God knows how they got out but they did.

Oh. Well, then, secondly, we can find
someone else, like Miss Frobisher, fo run it.

Old muddiesome Marge? Hopeless.

Couldn't run a bath.

Well, thirdly, we could persuade Audrey
to change her mind.

Never been done before.

Oh, I'll think of a way.
If you succeed, the Rector will be pleased.

Why the Rector?
We've never had a miracle in the parish.

(Chuckles)

Right, I'll leave you to it, then.

Sure you weren't in Burma?

No.

Of course! Know where I've seen you before.
Remember now.

Village shop, Tuesday morning.

BOTH: Small world.

Small world.

Right, well, cheers.

What do you mean, he asked you?

Mr DeVere has asked me
to organise the hunt ball.

He must be out of his mind.

The idea is fo raise money for the hunt,
not to put it in the hands of the official receiver.

I don't know why you're so cross.

Mr DeVere said you said you wouldn't do it.

Well, how does he know? He hasn't asked me.

You told Brigadier Lemington you wouldn't.

So he came to me, Mr DeVere,
and asked me to help. On bended knee.

You should have refused.

DeVere was supposed to come to me
on bended knee.

Quite apart from the fact that you are
totally incapable of organising anything,

you must be the only person in England
to make a loss on a bring and buy sale.

You've ruined the whole thing.
I'm sorry, Audrey.

Call yourself a friend?
Well, I really thought...

You thought... The trouble with you, Marjory,
is that you never think.

Yes, I do. I've thought about it a lot.

I think you should be a little more helpful,
instead of grumbling at me.

I mean, tell me where I go for the marquee.

And who deals with the tables and chairs?
All that kind of thing.

I suppose you'd like to know
who does the floodlighting

and who arranges the flowers and who
does the catering and who to go to for the bar.

Yes, that's right

Honestly, you might just as well ask me
to do the whole thing.

No, don't be so silly. I can manage.

You couldn't manage an Oxfam barn dance.

I am taking over.

I shall simply have fo go over your head.
What do you mean?

I mean that DeVere has to be told
that if you are left in charge,

guests will be dancing on
the strawberry mousse and eating the band.

You can't have people coming on from
their dinner parties and finding nothing to eat.

So, I am taking over.

You are not
Yes, lam.

You're not. I'm not going fo let you.

Have you made your licensing application
for the bar?

Yes, of course.

It's coming up in court on Thursday.

I think it might be fumed down.
Well, it never has been before.

No, it hasn't. But on Thursday,
I am on the licensing bench. Goodbye.

Bertie!

Afternoon, Ned.

Afternoon, Mrs fforbes...

Steady, ma'am. Bridge isn't safe.

Her says the wood's rotten.

Who says?
Her what's running this ‘ere ball.

Muddlesome Marge.

I'm sure I don't know who you mean.

Anyway, she's not running it. I am.

Well, you know what it says in the Bible, ma'am.

No man can serve two masters.

Let alone mistresses.

And what is that supposed to mean?

Do I mend this bridge or don't I?

Looks perfectly sound to me.

See? Not worth wasting valuable time on.
Very good, ma'am.

And in future, as in the past,
you will take your orders from me.

Come on, Bertie.

What's happened to my call from Canada?

Yes, of course I know what time it is over there.

Just get me the number.

Now, look here, the whole place is in chaos.

I'm sure your dance is in good hands.

Audrey's been doing it for years.
Yes, but she's not doing it, is she?

You asked old muddlesome Marge
to organise the thing.

It was the best way of
making sure that Audrey ended up doing it.

I don't follow that.
Well, never mind.

Look, I am very busy, Brigadier.

Good Lord, you don't think I've got time to waste
hanging around here?

I should be at home watching the test match.

-Isiton?
lt was when I left.

England knocking them for six.

Oh, raining!

Damn, looks like a draw.

(Buzzer)

Yes?
Mrs forbes-Hamilfon.

AUDREY: You don't have fo announce me
in what used fo be my own home.

Good morning, Audrey.

Mr DeVere, I have a bone to pick with you.
Morning, Brigadier.

Not one bone but two bones.

In fact, a whole carcass.

Skeleton.

I can't expect you to absorb our local customs
in five minutes.

But many of them have been observed
for hundreds of years.

And one of them is not asking Marjory Frobisher
to run things.

Just as I was saying.

Marjory's organising ability
leaves much to be desired.

You should have seen the amount of food we
had to throw away after her War on Want lunch.

And she's no huntsman either.

Keep us all hanging about
while she leads her gee through the gate.

Holds up the whole bang shoot.

Hunt.
Whole bang hunt.

That doesn't sound right.
Tricky language, English.

Will you please pay attention?
Sorry.

I'm here to tell you that in order to prevent
anything drastic happening,

I have decided to save the day.

As of now, I am taking over the organisation
of the hunt ball,

in spite of the fact that you have done your
level best to stop me. That is my final word.

Good morning. Bertie.

See what I mean?
Damn clever.

Tactics, eh? First-class strategy.

How did you do it?
Psychological warfare.

Oh.

Never really grasped that.

Oh, look, they're coming out.

Oh, good show.
Do you mind if I stay and watch?

No, please do.

(Buzzer)

Mm?

No, I can't take a call from Canada.
Don't they realise what time it is over here?

Morning, Mr Miller.
Morning, Mrs fforbes.

How's the leg?
Oh, much better, thank you.

Where are those fairy lights
that link the marquee to the manor?

Miss Frobisher said she wanted them
round the bandstand this year.

Well, I want them where we've always had them.
So please arrange it, will you?

Right.

Harry, take 'em all down again.

She wants them outside.

No, Mrs Webber.
That's not how you drape the bar.

Get the pleats at six-inch intervals.

Watch what you're doing with that.
I want it in front of the bandstand

with a leg down each side of the dance floor.

Mrs Plunkett, Dorothy, I think that area
over there looks a bit drab. Don't you?

Miss Frobisher
wanted it left clear for the tombola.

We always have the tombola in the great hall.
Yeah.

I want you to make me a flower arrangement
on a pedestal for that area.

And when you've done that, you can make up
the presentation bouquet.

And put more into it this year.
I thought last year's was rather stingy.

And then when you've done that,
you can do the flowers for the tables.

Well, you could if we had any tables.
Left, right, left.

Ah, here they come.
Left, right, left, right, left, right.

Squad, halt!

Stop standing there waving like a field of corn.

Stand still!

Compliments of Major McTaylor, ma'am.

Permission to dispose of tables, 150,

chairs, 500,

dancing, personnel, for the use of, ma'am!

Granted.

Put them over there.
The brigadier has the seating plan.

M
a
‘am!

Squad, prepare to dump tables over there!

You will dump them nowhere. Put them.

M
a
‘am!

Quietly.

Ma'am.

Squad!
(Audrey clears her throat)

By the left, quick march.

Left, right, left, right.

Left, right.

Squad, halt!

Stand at ease!

Mrs fforbes-Hamilton, man?

No, Mrs fforbes-Hamilton.

It's real cool. Where's the gig?

Who are you?

McLeod. Mackenzie McLeod.

Oh, yes.
You're the Jamaican steel band from Taunton.

We're putting you in the old dining room
underneath Mr DeVere's study.

Far out.
As far out of earshot as possible.

Now, I want you to go through the great hall,
along the long gallery and then first left.

Right on.
No, not "right on". First left.

Why don't you listen?

Tables go over there, Sergeant Major.

Been instructed, sir, to dump tables...
Put.

Ma'am! Put! Put.

Tables. Over there.

Squad, Squad, 'shun.

By the left...
As you were, Sergeant Major.

Those tables go over there.

Squad, "shun.

They are "shunned, sir.

To march over there.

No, no, no, over there.

Been instructed to put tables over there, sir.

By the left, quick march!

Squad, halt!

Now, look here, Sergeant Major.
I'm the senior officer present.

Brigadier Lemington, Somerset Rifles.

Retired, sir?
Absolutely.

That makes me the senior officer on parade.
By the left, quick march!

Squad, halt!

Now, look here, I'm not having this.

According to this seating plan,
those tables go over there.

Squad, about turn!

There is an offence on my foot
and it belongs to you.

Pick it up, you horrible little man.

Having trouble, Brigadier?

Damned other rank here refuses to obey orders.

Says these tables have to go over there.
That's right.

No, no, not according to your seating plan.

Carry on, Sergeant Major.
Ma'am!

Squad, prepare to ground tables.
Ground tables!

About turn!

By the left, quick march!

Left, right, left, right, left, right...

By the time he's done that with 150 tables,
I shall be quite mad.

You might have made this
a bit more comprehensible.

If we'd had plans like this on D-day,
we'd have invaded Scotland.

Sorry. It never occurred to me
to put compass bearings on it.

Ah, got it

The fools have put the marquee up
the wrong way round.

Oh, yes, and inside out.

I hope nobody notices.

Audrey, would these be all right?
They've lovely. Thank you.

Now, just got to label this,
then everything should run itself.

What's the bouquet for?
Presentation.

"To the organiser with grateful thanks
from the Master and Committee.”

Oh, they're for you, are they?

Yes. They're a surprise.

By the way, Audrey, who's your partner?

I shall be going with the host.
That's the organiser's privilege.

That's me. I'm the Master, so I'm the host.

No, I mean Mr DeVere.

But Marjory's going with him. All fixed up.

No, Marjory's going with you.
No, no, she's not.

Somehow she's kidded DeVere
that she's still the organiser.

So I presume he's asked her to be his partner.

There's gratitude for you. After all I've done
to make his first hunt ball a success.

Audrey, Ned tells me you told him
not to repair the footbridge.

There were more important things to be done.

Well, I've just been to look at it.
And it's distinctly unsafe.

It was perfectly safe when I walked across it.

Well, it's not safe now.

We'll have to write off the tree lights
and close up that end of the garden.

It's too late to mend the bridge now.
I do wish you wouldn't interfere!

Oh, well, in that case I'll leave everything else
to you, including this.

(Band plays up at the manor)

Shall I bring the car round, madam?
What for?

Well, I feel you ought to arrive at the ball
in style, madam.

I mean, you could hardly walk
on an occasion like this.

That's very sweet of you, Brabinger,
but I'm not going.

Not going, madam?

Yes, I haven't been invited.

But...I understood, madam,
that you were to be the hostess.

Apparently not.

I just did all the work
and made the whole thing possible.

As a matter of fact, I'm rather tired.
So I shall stay at home.

Shall I convey your apologies to Mr DeVere?

Certainly not. Why should I apologise to him?

As he is the host...

He may be the host but as he failed to invite me,
I am not his guest.

If anything,
he should be conveying his apologies to me.

Yes, madam. Well, this would
never have happened in the old days.

It most certainly would not.

Oh, well. You and I will have to make up
a pleasant little twosome.

Me?

Accompany you to the ball, madam?

No, not the ball. I was hoping you'd join me
in a quiet game of Scrabble.

Very good, madam.

(Steel band and chatter)

Right, time we were on parade.

Fall in for the Master's ride.

Tallest on the right, shortest on the left, what?

Come on, now, jump to it, everybody.

Glasses down.

Shout, will you?

I can't hear what you're saying.

For heaven's sake, everybody,
get into line and stand still.

That's better.

Who's missing?

Of course, it's me.

Come on, Marjory.

Ladies on the left, gentlemen on the right.

No, no, on my left, Marjory.

There we are.
No, I'm going with Mr DeVere.

What?
You were supposed to go with me.

It's all cockeyed, this.

You'll have to go with me, Marjory.
We can't have the Master all on his own.

We can't have Mr DeVere
going on his own either.

Hold on a moment. Hold on.

I'm afraid I have to stay by the phone.

Miss Frobisher,
perhaps you could accompany the brigadier.

Oh, but the organiser always goes with you.

I'm terrible sorry
but I have to stay with the phone.

Look.

There you are, you see?
Now your numbers are even.

By Jove, so they are.

Right, all ready for the Master's ride?

Bugler, sound the charge.

(Bugle)

You're on the wrong side again, Marjory.

Right, forward!

Hooray!

Can you hear what I'm saying?

That's not how you spell "icing".
It's spelt with a "C".

Well, I was thinking of ising, madam.

A form of gelatine.

But that's isinglass.

Just so, madam. We used to call it ising.

Then it's an abbreviation. I can't allow it.

Very good, madam.

Then I'll change it to "nice".

If you must.

And I shall put down M-A-A-M.

That's three, six, seven, eight and three is 11.

And triple word score is 33.

And then another six is 39. And one is 40.

What is "Ma-am", madam?

Not "Ma-am", "Ma'am". Short for "Madam".

"Ma-am" short for "Madam", madam?

Yes.

Isn't "Ma'am" an abbreviation of "Madam",
madam?

Certainly not. I's what one calls the Queen.

Of course, ma'am.

Madam.

(Bugle)

There's the Master's ride.

I expect Mr DeVere
is taking Miss Frobisher into dinner.

(Steel band)
No, it's no good.

I can't hear a word you're saying.

Yes, I know it's a long way to Canada.

The troubles here.

No, look, I'll just have to ring you back
when things quieten down.

May I come in?

I just wanted to say how sorry I am.

What about?

Tricking you into organising the ball.

I was going to make amends
by asking you to be my partner.

But you didn't.

No, I was told that traditionally
you always went with the Master.

And I know how you feel about tradition.

I suppose Marjory told you that.

I forget now.

Oh, don't bother to defend her.

You're welcome to her.
You'd better get back before she misses you.

I didn't go to the ball. I was too busy.

"To the organiser with grateful thanks
from the Master and the Committee."

What a lovely surprise.

IfI had a magic wand, Cinders, I could
still take you to the ball. It isn't midnight yet.

I never thought of myself as Cinders before.

Might be rather fun.

Wave your magic wand, fairy godmother.

Abracadabral

Oh, you look breath-taking!

Thank you.

Couldn't I turn into your Prince Charming?

Perhaps.

(Band plays Cheek To Cheek)

(Music stops)

Thank you very much, everybody. That's all.

Is that it?
It sounds like it.

I'm afraid Cinders didn't have very long
at the ball.

On the other hand, she got home safely
with both shoes and Prince Charming.

Like to come in for a nightcap?
Sorry, I've got to get back.

I promised Canada I'd ring them
as soon as this racket died down.

I'm having trouble with my tinned salmon.

Well, we mustn't
stand in the way of your haute cuisine.

Good night, Audrey.

Oh, Mr DeVere. Richard.

Why don't you go back through my garden
and over the footbridge?

Is it quicker?
Much.

Thanks.

Good night, Audrey!

Good night, Richard.

J Heaven

J I'min heaven

(Creaking)
Oh-h-h-h-hi

(Splash)